(DOORBELL RINGS)
(EXHALES SHARPLY, SNIFFS)
(SIGHS)
Hey, Chippy. Your hot piece of aunt around?
We've been over this, Jerry. She's not interested.
Neither was my first wife, but I wore her down, too.
It's a little process I call "erosion."
Oh, what a love story.
(CHUCKLES) Sabrina.
-You seen Mickey? -No.
She hasn't been here the past few nights.
-It's been awesome. -Yeah, I'll take care of this.
-Ooh. -Beat it, Berlin.
You got no business here.
And you do?
New rule: If Mickey's not here, neither are you two.
Well, I just came by to drop off flowers.
Oh, well, I'll just make sure she gets them.
She enjoy my chocolates?
Yeah, big time. It's amazing how easy it is
to change Jerry to Jimmy on a card.
All right, you listen to me, you son of a bitch...
You listen to me, Berlin.
I've been working this girl for ten years.
I am this close to locking her down.
Yeah, well, that's too bad, because I'm gonna be coming around,
and around and around,
just like a cement mixer.
Oh, yeah? Well, here's the funny thing about a cement mixer, Chip,
and I've been meaning to tell you this, they're too slow!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Screw you, pretty boy!
Pretty boy? I'm uglier than you!
-(GRUNTING) -(YELLS)
Hot day today, huh?
Yeah. You must be bacon in the sun.
Because I'm a pig?
-I get it. -You get it?
-Yeah. -That's good.
(MICKEY LAUGHS)
(BOTH CONTINUE GRUNTING)
This is embarrassing.
SABRINA: And over Mickey, too.
I don't get it.
What? (GRUNTS)
Oh. Wow. Hey, Mick.
Hey, beautiful.
At ease, gentlemen.
(JERRY MOANING)
Oh. Ooh.
Where the hell have you been?
I was at a job interview.
(SCOFFS) There's no way you're up for a job where you look like that.
Don't worry about where I was.
Lipstick, perfume, clothes that don't look like you got them out of a duffel bag.
-You were with a man. -What's his name?
I don't know what you guys are talking about.
He must be hideous if you won't bring him by the house.
I'm just saying, you parade Jimmy around
like he's some sort of prize. This guy must be a real troll.
Dante is not a troll.
Dante! His name's Dante.
Uh-huh. And what's wrong with him? You're clearly embarrassed.
I'm embarrassed of you guys!
All right? Fine. There.
I really like this guy and I don't want to scare him off
with all my baggage.
-We're baggage? -MICKEY: Yeah!
You, Jimmy, the FBI car sitting out front.
Believe it or not, it's not the most attractive package.
CHIP: That's it.
I got enough to worry about with those two idiots,
now I got to take on a third?
Guys? Carrot's been acting weird since bath time.
Can you fix him?
Ah!
I got this.
Alba!
Okay. Who's ready to be lucky Carrot number 12?
Twelve? As in, Ben's killed 11 other bunnies?
Well, not all at once. It's...
...just easier to buy in bulk.
Oh, my God, Alba, you're nurturing a future serial killer!
I admit, the body count does bring great shame.
-(SCOFFS) -But it is easier
than explaining death to his fragile little mind.
No! Alba, you can't protect him forever.
Okay. You're right.
No more enabling Ben.
You tell him.
Or this is the last Carrot, and he lives a long, healthy life.
-Okay. Okay. -Okay.
-Last Carrot. -Last Carrot.
Come on, little guy.
Show yourself, troll.
Gotcha.
Hey, Dante!
Yeah, you.
Chip... Get out of here.
Look, I got nothing against you, personally.
But I don't need another mangled goon around my house, stinking up the place.
So how about you do everyone a favor,
hop back on your tugboat and sail to Garbage Island.
Chip, I don't know this man. Just bumming a smoke.
Thank you, sir.
-Now get the hell out of here. -No.
-Sup, Mick. -(GROANS)
Are you ready to roll?
-(SIGHS) -Who the hell's this guy?
(SIGHS)
Dante, Chip. Chip, Dante.
That can't be right.
This guy's too big and handsome to be Dante.
(CHUCKLES) I'm sorry to disappoint. Who are you?
(SIGHS)
He wants to meet us? Why?
I don't know. If it were up to me,
Dante wouldn't even know you two existed, but Chip ruined that.
Oh. Who's Dante? Bring me up to speed.
He's Mickey's new sex troll.
-What? -Well, not exactly a troll.
I mean, obviously, something's wrong with him if he's dating her.
Whoa... Uh, dating him?
Why? What's wrong with me?
Well, for starters, I'm not programmed in his phone
as "Vito's Pizzeria."
Really? Again?
Look, when we first started plugging, I was nailing this bird from the airport,
so I had to disguise your aunt's cell number in my phone.
Yeah, and ten years later, I'm still pizza.
All right. Take a breath.
I'll change your name in my phone.
No, you're not getting it. It's not about that.
It's too late, Jimmy.
I'm Dante's pizza now.
Ugh.
Can you guys please, just do me this one favor?
No way! We're already at capacity.
What if we get rid of Jimmy?
-Deal. -Sold.
-Pack your bags, Jimbo. -You're chucking me?
After all I've done for you?
Sorry, but the people have spoken.
Oh. (SCOFFS)
Yeah.
Yeah. Fine.
'Cause I've got about a million other places
I'd rather be right now.
(JIMMY CLAPS)
Okay, great. Uh, Dante's coming over to pick me up later tonight,
so, if you could just do me a favor
and not be jackasses for five minutes, that's all.
Yeah, fine.
MICKEY: Okay.
This'll be fun. Let's make it quick, though,
'cause I don't want to miss the previews.
Hey, kids! Come on down!
There they are! My little monkeys!
Oh, boy. Here we go. This is Sabrina,
this is Ben,
and this is Chip, you already met Chip, right? The other day.
DANTE: Yeah. 'Sup, y'all.
It's nice to finally meet you guys. I'm Dante.
-Good evening. -Pleasure is ours.
How do you do?
Okay! Have a good night... Finish your homework.
Like good little, little, little guys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not buying that.
-The homework thing, or the... -No, no, no. All of it.
Let me guess, uh, she told you to be nice
-to the new guy, right? -What?
(CHUCKLING) Don't be silly.
Oh, come on, come on.
My foster mom, she used to do the same thing
every time she brought a new boyfriend home.
You were a foster kid?
Yep. I was. So stop playing games with me and be real.
'Cause I know you don't want to be here, right?
It's pure hell.
-You bitch! You bitch, we had a deal! -Ah!
DANTE: Okay, okay. She's being honest.
That's all. I'm sure they all got burning questions
-for me, so hit it. -No. No, no, no, no.
Let's go to the movie, please.
How about we just stay here and hang out? 'Cause we're just getting started, right?
Yeah?
So this guy, that my foster mom dated, Big Steve,
we tortured his ass so bad that he nearly lost his mind.
-(KIDS CHUCKLE) -I mean, we took the air out of his tires,
-we even donated his clothes to charity. -(KIDS LAUGH)
Don't give them any ideas,
-they're horrible. -The works.
(LAUGHING) Hey, wow. What about this idea?
MICKEY: What? What?
-(CHUCKLES) -What? Jimmy!
JIMMY: What?
What are you doing here?
(LAUGHS)
Come on. I wanted to see a perfect family.
Mr. Perfect?
I'm Mr. Not Good Enough.
Jimmy, go sleep it off somewhere,
you are really making an ass of yourself.
-Yeah, go home, dude. -No, I'm not going anywhere, Chip.
Dante, kick his ass.
-Sabrina, I'm right here. -(SNICKERS)
-Jimmy... -I suppose you want me to go too, Ben?
Who are you?
-That one hurts. -MICKEY: Okay.
-No, no, no, no, no, I got it. -JIMMY: It hurts.
-Jimmy. -Yeah.
Come here, let me talk to you for a second. Come here, come on. Oh.
No, I'm not gonna hit you.
Come on, come on.
Okay, look, I get it, I get it, okay? All right? She's dope.
-I get it, man. -But you can't do it like this.
You love her?
-I freakin' love her so much. -You love her so much.
-And you're a good guy, right? -I'm a really good guy.
Yeah.
So, look, respect her decision.
Go home, sleep it off.
-All right? -Come on. Let's go.
Sleep it off.
Yeah.
I'm gonna sleep it off.
Sunshine
Opens up my day
A cool breeze blows along my way
There's no time to work, it's time to play
Looks like love's the only way
And I'm happy just to be alive
Happy just to be alive
Happy just to be alive, hey
All right.
Hey, buddy.
So, where's Carrot?
-Carrot's not coming. -Um...
SABRINA: Uh...
Why don't you have a seat? We got to talk.
Ben...
Carrot's dead.
Dead how? Like a cell phone?
Oh, no, no, Benito.
The bunny that you knew as Carrot is no more.
He... He is up in the big sky with Jesus now.
Oh. Didn't realize we were going this route.
See, in the Catholic religion, we believe that when you die,
your soul separates from your body
then you are judged by the Lord.
And it is up to him to decide if you live your eternal life
in Heaven or cast down into the fiery pits of Hell
with the devils.
So Carrot's in Hell?
-No, No. -No.
SABRINA: No, ALBA: No.
I'm sure Carrot was a very good bunny
-and he's in heaven. -ALBA: Sí.
But he wasn't a good bunny.
He couldn't do any tricks and he always pooped on the floor.
He's gonna burn forever.
Well...
Only until he's reincarnated.
When he comes back as another living thing.
So Carrot can come back as a monkey?
I've always wanted a monkey.
Okay, now you see why I do the things I do.
Yep, I get it.
Oh, guys, thank you so much for having me again.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
-You got an amazing family, Mick. -Yeah, they're all right.
That's funny, I thought we were your baggage.
(LAUGHING) Oh, you are so stupid.
-She's so stupid. -DANTE: That's crazy.
You want to see real baggage?
I carry mine with me every day.
See this?
September 26th, 1983.
Bob Forsch, he pitched a no-hitter against the Expos.
That was the last day I saw my father.
Oof.
-(ALL GROAN) -DANTE: Yeah.
I know, I know.
He went to get a hot dog during the 7th inning stretch
and he just never came back.
-Oh, no. -CHIP: He walked out on a no-hitter?
-That's awful. -Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I don't want to be insensitive, but, uh, compared to these guys,
that baggage is kind of like a carry-on, you know what I mean?
-(ALL LAUGHING) -We are pretty terrible.
-So I guess I'm being a bitch. -You're being a little bit of a bitch.
-Okay. All right. -Cheers, bitch.
-All right, who wants some pie? -(ALL EXCLAIM)
-Okay. -I do!
Chip, go get us some pie, man.
(SCOFFS) No way. Make Alba do it.
What are you talking about?
Alba, she busted her hump in the kitchen all day.
Yeah, it's your turn to pitch in.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, right.
Buddy, I ain't asking.
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTING)
This is my house, you son of a bitch!
I make the rules!
I don't get you pie,
you get me pie!
Don't touch me!
(YELLS)
Chip?
-Chip? -Hmm? Yeah?
What's up?
Go get the pie, dude.
Pie.
-(DANTE CHUCKLES) -Yeah.
Make mine à la mode.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Dante must be destroyed.
Yeah, that's all well and good, but what the hell is this jerk doing here?
-Yeah, where's Mickey? -She's not coming.
I texted you from her phone.
(GROANS)
Piece of advice, kid,
don't tell a guy there's a sure thing when there isn't.
Certain medications
have been set into motion that cannot be unset.
What do you got, blues?
Yeah, what do you know about it?
Well, they're expensive. I got a guy.
Yeah, me too. He's called a doctor.
Focus, idiots.
While you two bond over your sexual shortcomings,
Dante's sweeping Mick off her feet.
What are you proposing?
We join forces.
Kid's right.
He's perfect for her.
-We got to get rid of him. -What's the plan, Chip?
Well, the guy loves kids, right?
JIMMY: Yeah.
Well, what if he loved kids a little too much?
I got to say, Chip, I don't know about this.
Relax, we're not showing my face.
We're just tossing a couple photos on this guy's hard drive.
I got to say, branding this guy a child molester...
I love it.
Let's see how Dante likes his pie in prison.
FBI!
-Whoa! -CHIP: Whoa, whoa!
It's not what it looks like!
WOMAN: (OVER TV) And now I'd like to say a few words.
-Hey, Ben, -(TV TURNS OFF)
I heard you lost your bunny recently,
so I thought I'd do you one better.
-A puppy? -Mmm-hmm.
No way!
-Thanks, Dante. -You got it, buddy.
-Aw. (LAUGHS) -(PUPPY WHINES)
(DANTE SIGHS)
You're so good to me.
Well, why wouldn't I be?
I love being around you, I love being around your family.
And I love you.
I...
I love you, too.
"I love you"?
Who says that?
Oh, my God, is he some kind of frickin' psycho?
Hello, Mickey, is everything okay?
No! Dante just told me he loved me.
-ALBA: Whoa... -Ew!
-Do you love him? -(EXCLAIMING)
I mean, I should, right? I don't know. No!
Oh, God, he's great.
-He's a great guy. -Yes.
-He's got a great job. -Oh, yeah.
-He's a frickin' tiger in the sack. -Oh. (IMITATES GROWL)
-Treats me like princess. -Mmm-hmm.
-The kids love him. -Oh, yeah.
-I mean, he just got Ben a puppy! -Wait, he did what?
What is wrong with me? I should love him, right?
-What kind of dog are we talking about? -Forget about the dog!
-It's not about the dog, okay? -No...
What is wrong with me?
Alba, I have this perfect guy,
and this perfect little family and I'm not happy.
Alba, oh, God, I am never gonna be happy.
-Oh, no! -No.
-Okay, okay, no. -Oh, no, no, no!,
-no, no, no, no! -Don't go there. Don't go there, no.
-Listen to me. Listen to me. -(BREATHING HEAVILY)
This is the American dream.
Okay? To have everything you ever wanted,
and still be miserable.
-What? -Oh, yeah.
-Oh! -Look, I know what you need.
-Hold on one moment. -(GROANING)
Oh, no, I don't like this. It feels bad.
Look, look, look, look. Calm down.
-What's this? -Poodle's little helpers.
Well, how do you think she got by all these years?
-Okay, hey, Ben, -(PUPPY WHINING)
we need to talk about your new pet, okay?
New? He's not new.
Carrot got reincarnated into a puppy.
This is so neat.
-No, no, no, no, no, no. -No, it's not, Ben.
-Okay, gimme... Okay. -Okay.
Listen to me, buddy, this is gonna be hard to hear,
but it's for your own good, okay?
When someone dies, they don't come back.
There is no heaven or hell or reincarnation.
This isn't Carrot. They're gone.
And you can't see 'em anymore.
Are Mommy and Daddy dead, too?
-No, no, no! -What? Of course not.
Why would you say that?
Because you always say the same stuff about Mommy and Daddy.
But this is different.
Mommy and Daddy just run away...
No, but not because they do not want to be here,
but because they can't.
I don't believe you. I think they're dead.
You're just trying to cheer me up with a stupid puppy!
JIMMY: What do you want? You want me to wear a wire?
-I'll wear a wire. -FBI AGENT: Relax.
I'm not busting you.
I'm on your side.
What are you talking about?
(CHUCKLES) I like Mickey, too.
What? You got to be kidding me.
What... Another one?
Does it look like I'm kidding?
-She's the sun in my sky. -JERRY: Oh, my God.
THE FED: Yes, I'm talking to you.
That little stunt in the motel, that was some sloppy work, boys.
I mean, sure, you may get him locked up for a few days,
but then what?
You got a better idea?
You really want to get rid of this bastard,
you got to be surgical.
Everybody has a weakness.
Oh...
Hey, pal.
Where's the puppy?
I don't know.
She's probably in hell with Mommy and Daddy,
getting torn apart by demons.
Buddy, don't say that. Your parents aren't dead.
Not anymore they're not. They're right here!
Yes, your mommy and daddy have been reincarnated into bunnies.
Are you friggin' serious?
-Yes. -Yeah.
See, Benito?
Now you will never feel pain again.
Ease up on the hugging, though.
Okay, guys, I know, I'm new here, right?
But do you think this is the best way to handle this situation?
-You're right. You are new here. -Mmm.
Mick? Hey, can you come down here for a minute?
MICKEY: (IN MELLOW VOICE) Coming.
Hi, guys.
-Hi. -Hi.
-DANTE: You good? -Me? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. What's up?
Okay, well, we got a little situation with Ben over here.
Wha... What situation?
We just convinced him his parents are bunnies.
-SABRINA: Yeah, -Uh-huh.
I mean, come on, butt out, dude.
We wouldn't be in this mess in the first place
if it weren't for your stupid dog.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, ladies, ladies, hey.
Ben's gonna be okay.
We're all gonna be okay,
'cause I fixed everything.
(SIGHS)
Okay, Mick, what are those?
Antidepressants.
(EXHALING)
We're gonna check on the bunny food. Yeah.
All right, so, um, tell me something.
Since when are you depressed?
Since not anymore, thanks to these little ladies.
-(DOORBELL RINGS) -Okay, I'm gonna get that.
Hi, is, uh, Dante here?
(SIGHS) Who are you?
I'm his father.
(GASPS)
MICKEY: (OVER RADIO) Who are you? OLD MAN: I'm his father.
-How do you know this guy? -He's a CI who owes me.
Scumbag violated his parole,
so I told him, "Do me a favor and play the role of Dante's father,
"or do 20 years." (CHUCKLES)
Dante's gonna be so caught up in this mess,
he isn't gonna have time for a relationship with Mickey.
Uh, I'm sorry, do I know you?
It's me, Dante.
Your father.
(SCOFFS SOFTLY)
Dad?
I been waiting for this moment a long time.
(GASPING) Is that a hot dog?
OLD MAN: I got a little something for you.
The dog, Dante, take the dog.
No, I know it's kind of late, but, you know.
-(CHUCKLES) -(LAUGHING)
(MAN GRUNTS AND GROANS)
-(ALL EXCLAIM) -Okay, we need to step in!
Go, go, go!
(DANTE AND OLD MAN GRUNTING)
You owe me a childhood, you son of a bitch!
-(GROANS AND GRUNTS) -MICKEY: Ooh.
That's some baggage that won't fit in your pocket.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. -Stop, you got it all wrong.
That's not even your dad!
-(DANTE GASPS) -Oh...
Oh...
-What? -He hammered me.
(OLD MAN GROANING)
Wait, what's going on? Who are you people?
We're the guys that are supposed to be with Mick.
No, I'm the guy that's supposed to be with Mick.
These guys are no good.
Yeah, if you were supposed to be with her, you'd be with her.
-Yeah, back off. She's mine. -(OLD MAN GROANING)
Who are you?
Oh, come on, quit messing around. We see each other every day.
You kidding?
You really don't know who I am?
Mr. Piggy? (GIGGLES)
Oink, oink? (GIGGLES)
Kevin Bacon?
Jon Hamm? Ringing any bells?
-Are you the Fed? -Yes!
(MICKEY AND THE FED LAUGHING)
These clowns all like you, Mickey. I don't know why. It's a whole thing.
All right, you guys need to leave.
Just pipe down there, orphan.
-(LAUGHS) -What'd you say to me?
Yeah, that's right, you heard him, home wrecker.
All right, enough is enough.
Who's it gonna be, Mick?
(LAUGHING)
Come on...
Oh, no.
Oh, Dante,
you're so big and so good,
but it's just, like, it's too much. Ugh, you know?
Ugh, to you.
And you, eh...
Too "uncle-ly."
Yeah.
I mean, (SCOFFS) that pig stuff...
Jimmy,
you're just, you're too... You're too forgiving.
Oh, hey, it's not your fault.
Ugh!
Can I ask you a question? Did she say uncle-ly or ugly?
Uncle-ly.
-Nice. I'm in. -You're not in.
-What are you talking about, you're in? -(ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
(ENGINE STARTS)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, Mick, we're confused.
Who do you choose?
I don't know what I want.
(CHUCKLES)
But I think I'm gonna find it out there.
Hang back with the kids for me, okay, Jimmy?
You got it, Mick.
(ENGINE REVS)
-Whoa! -Oh, ew.
What a woman.
Oh, that's my girl.
OLD MAN: He hammered me.