(CHILDREN CHATTER IN DISTANCE)
(SIGHS) Is your aunt always this late?
She said she's on Irish time.
-(DOOR OPENS) -MICKEY: Hey.
Sorry I'm late. Hey, buddy.
BEN: Hi.
MICKEY: Stuck in, uh, traffic for over an hour. Ew.
Well, we have been waiting for almost two hours.
Well, I'm in the middle of a very busy afternoon.
What can I do for you?
Ben is no longer allowed to ride the bus.
He's been urinating on it.
That true, buddy? You peeing on the bus?
No. I peed in Ryan Leggio's backpack.
Well, that's still not a bathroom.
And then on his shoes
when he called me a "pee freak."
Okay, I can see how that might be a problem.
But look, in the kid's defense, it's a brutal commute.
I had to stop at a gas station on the way here,
or I would have peed myself.
Uh, look, it's not just the bus.
Ben has been doing poorly in his classes, as well.
Einstein flunked math.
He's also having trouble making friends.
You think Bill Gates had friends?
And he refuses to wear his uniform properly.
Oh. Huh. You know who else refused to wear a uniform?
Muhammad Ali, The Champ.
-Hmm. -Did The Champ wear high heels?
Look, give him a break. The kid probably misses his mom.
They're Sabrina's.
Look, if Ben can't
change his behavior, I think that we're going to have to...
You're going to have to what? Boot him?
(LAUGHING) Oh, no, buddy.
Too late. We reject you.
Yeah. That kid's special, okay?
Not special like he...
He-He's just a special kid.
And if you can't see that, you can burn in hell.
Okay. Well, I wish you luck.
No, no, no, no. I wish you luck,
because your school is a mess. Have you met the other
two Pemberton kids you've educated?
Yes, I know Chip and Sabrina.
Well, this place has just about ruined them.
You're running a crap factory here, pal.
Just churning out crap. Ugh!
Look at this kid. Are you kidding me?
That kid sucks.
Sucks, sucks.
This is a great school to come to if you want your kid to suck.
Oh, look, here comes another guy. You suck!
Well, it's the middle of the school year. I think you're gonna
find it very difficult to find any school
-that's willing to... -No, no, no.
You're not the only game in town, buddy, okay?
This school's a joke, and not a good one.
Then I think we're done here.
No. I think we're done here.
Should I go with her?
Regrettably.
MICKEY: Seven schools?
Who gets rejected by seven schools?
Maybe you should have thought about that before
you took him out of the best prep school in the country.
Yeah, well, maybe I didn't think it through,
'cause I was too focused on how much Lockwood sucks.
And by the way, your principal's a real tool.
-Nice influence. -I mean,
what is the problem? The kid's got an odd fashion sense.
What's wrong with my fashion senses?
Oh, hey, buddy.
Uh... nothing.
Not a thing. I think you look very handsome.
Uh, you want to go play in the other room?
So you can keep talking about me? Okay.
So I can keep talking about you.
That is a smart kid.
I do not understand why he can't get into a school.
Oh, come on. Don't be naive.
-We all know the real reason. -Here we go.
Frederico Diaz, 3.0,
crapped the bed on the SATs, gets into Brown.
Meanwhile, Dustin Wakefield, straight A's,
school treasurer, gets into Wesleyan. Disgraceful.
-What are you talking about? -It's never
been harder to be a white male than it is right now.
I'm gonna have to work twice as hard to achieve half as much.
Preach, brother.
-I haven't had a win in 37 years. -SABRINA: Oh, come on.
Try being a woman.
At least I understand the plight of diverse people.
What? You two are about as diverse
as a Jimmy Buffet concert.
I would call you racist,
but you only hang out with white people.
So I guess that makes you separatists.
You don't know who I hang out with.
Okay. Name one non-white friend.
(SCOFFS)
Alba.
Alba. Super not white.
Oh, don't drag me into this.
Alba is not your friend.
You do not yell at your friend
for putting dressing on your salad.
-You know nothing about her. -I know plenty about her.
What's her last name?
-Gonzalez? -Perez.
-Maldanado. -That's a tough start, guys.
MICKEY: You have lived with Alba
your entire lives, and you don't know her full name?
Alba is a rich
fountain of culture.
Guzzle from her.
-You know what, Alba? -Hmm?
Tomorrow, me and you, we're going out. On me.
And I want to know every single thing about you,
because you are my new friend.
That sounds good. Okay. (LAUGHS)
Count me in. I frickin' love diversity.
Yeah, uh, okay, I got to get Ben into a good school.
I cannot have him turning out like you.
Look, there's only two schools that are
accepting students right now,
the all-girls school across the street
and the public school, but it's, like, 40 minutes away.
Well, enjoy the drive.
(SIGHS)
I know the first day at a new school can be tough,
but you just remember to be yourself,
and you'll be just fine.
I'm a transformer!
Yeah. Sure.
Transformer. Close enough.
So am I a girl now?
No, only when you're at school.
Or whenever else you want to be.
Cool. Do I have a vagina?
No, you don't. Any other questions?
What is a vagina?
Oh, that's like, right up the... in between...
You got...
Can I get back to you on that one?
-Okay. -Thanks, buddy.
You look really good in that dress, by the way.
Thanks. It's breezy on my vagina.
Yeah. Yeah, maybe don't mention that, though.
Now, listen, there are three things
you've got to remember today, okay?
Number one: go wherever the girls go,
do whatever the girls do.
Number two, and this one's critical, you...
What? Are we here already? My God, that's close. Nice.
All right.
Sorry we're late. You know how fussy
-little girls are getting ready. -Well, we are
thrilled to have our very first transgender student.
Oh, say thank you, Ben.
-I thought you said my name was "Beth." -Yes.
That's what I said. He still gets confused sometimes.
Well, you mean "she"?
Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean.
You'll get it. Don't worry about it.
Hey, Ben... th... why don't you run outside
to the playground while we finish up,
-okay? -Okay.
Should I do the thing now?
Yeah.
-Oh! -(LAUGHS)
(CHATTER AND SHOUTING)
-Want to play dolls? -I'm not really into dolls.
Want to play super smash ball?
It's like dodge ball, except we're all ninjas.
Okay.
So, Alba, tell us more about Guatemala.
Oh. Uh, okay.
Well, the national flower
is the White Nun Orchid,
-and the national bird... -Oh, wait. Hold on.
I want to write this down so I can throw it in Mickey's face.
Oh, okay.
Uh, the national bird is the quetzal.
And, uh, oh, the population is 12.7 million.
-Wow. -This is delicious. Is this eggplant?
No, it's beef.
-(GASPS) -(LAUGHS)
Alba, you know I don't eat red meat.
Why would you order this?
That is strange.
It must be regional.
You know, where I'm from, it's vegetarian.
No, pepian is always beef.
No, it's not. No. Take it away. No. Get it out of here.
No. That's not good. Not where I come from. No.
Alba? Why is your phone on the Guatemala Wikipedia page?
Is it?
Alba. What's going on?
Well, okay, I'm from Guatemala,
but my culture is American.
What? I came here
as a little girl, so my culture
-is your culture. -Are you kidding me?
I just blew eight years of no red meat for nothing?
Why didn't you just tell us?
I don't know. Uh,
when I saw how much you guys wanted
to hang out with me, I got excited.
Now I feel terrible. The whole point of this
was to get to know you better.
No, the whole point of this was to hang out
with somebody diverse so we could shut Mickey up.
Ignore him. Alba, is there anywhere
that you actually like going?
Well... there is this one place I really love.
Okay, good, let's go there.
-But first let's send a selfie to Mickey. -Oh.
-Oh, wait. -Oh.
-#ChipsAndGuac. -(CHUCKLES)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Getting Ben into a school across the street was genius.
He is cranking through my mascara like a street whore,
but it's worth it.
Hey, you mind if I go bare-ass?
I'd really rather you did not.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
Hello.
Yep.
What, you mean right now?
Oh, gosh, I'd love to,
but I'm kind of right in the middle of...
Okay.
Yeah, I get it. All right, I'll be right there.
-Everything okay? -Mmm-hmm.
Just got to hike over to Ben's school.
-You want to come with me? -No.
I'm gonna stay here and cook off some of these tan lines.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(DISGUSTED GROAN)
Ooh, my little pretty one, pretty one
When you gonna give me some
Time, Sharona
Alba, I had no idea you liked karaoke, that's so cool and interesting.
Oh, I love it. As a little girl, I dreamed of being Elton John.
All right, everyone keep their eyes peeled
for an ethnic person.
You're the reason people hate us.
Jealousy is the reason people hate us.
Alba, what song are you gonna sing later?
(LAUGHS) Oh, no, no.
I only sing in the shower or the car
or doing dishes, you know,
getting dressed or folding clothes,
but never in front of anyone, I could never do that, no.
Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
-Hey, man, where are you from? -Nigeria.
Jackpot.
My, my
My-yi whoo!
GIRLS: I'm a little Dutch girl
dressed in blue.
These are the things
that I can do.
What are you doing here?
Hi! I just came to see your principal.
I see you made some new friends.
Yeah. I really like this girl Jennifer.
Does that make me a lesbian?
You don't have to worry about labels, buddy.
-Just like who you like. -Good. 'Cause I also like
this kid named Brad from my old school.
Sweet. Keep your options open.
See you in a bit.
GIRLS: I can do the...
Hope this is some sort of an emergency.
I was in the middle of an important meeting.
This is Gene, a parent here.
He has some concerns regarding Beth.
You kept me waiting, so I'm gonna get right to it.
My wife and I aren't comfortable with our daughter
sharing a bathroom with a boy in a dress.
I'm sorry, I don't know anything about a boy in a dress.
I know about a darling little girl in a dress, is that
who you're talking about, Gene?
Okay, look, I'm not trying to pass any judgments here, all right?
Anything anyone wants to do or wear, I'm cool with.
Well, would you listen to that!
Gene here is cool with the rest of the world having free will.
Thank you, Gene.
-I didn't mean it like that. -No?
No. I'm just looking after my daughter's safety.
I mean, come on, it's common sense, all right?
That's why we have a boys' room and a girls' room.
I got news for you, friend.
The world is a dangerous place.
Nobody's safe.
It does not take a little boy
in a dress to molest your daughter.
I use the girls' room.
I could easily molest her any time I want.
Uh, please,
let's not make this personal.
I'm not done, Rita.
I won't do it, Gene, okay?
But maybe... not only am I a sexual predator,
maybe I'm liar.
So maybe I will do it.
Whoa.
Okay.
Stop for just a moment.
I understand this is a very emotional issue.
We thought we were ready for this, but clearly we aren't.
-What? -So I'm sorry.
Beth has to leave Barnsdale.
(GROANS)
No.
No. This isn't over.
You tell your daughter to watch her back.
Can you believe that bigot chucked our little girl?
I got to find a way to get him back in.
Now a transgender person knows
how it feels to be white these days.
Ben is white. And he's not transgender.
He just likes wearing little girl's clothing.
If anything, he's gender-fluid.
You know what? I'm proud to be his big sister.
No, don't make this your thing. This is Ben's thing.
-It seems like it's your thing. -I'm just trying
to get your brother into a school he likes.
And if I can fight injustice and slam my foot up her ass
at the same time, then that's a win.
Oh, yeah, so suddenly you're just this big friend
of the LGBTQ community?
Mmm-hmm.
Wh-What?
Are you serious? Lesbian-Gay-
Bisexual-Transgender-Questioning.
Pretty sure the Q's for "queer."
No, "queer" is offensive.
Why? When I was growing up,
it was the kid with the ball.
And where's the "S" for "straight"?
You don't need to be represented.
So... they can exclude us,
but when we exclude them, we're the bad guys?
When exactly do my people get their justice?
For the last 5,000 years.
-Agree to disagree. -JIMMY: You know, this reminds me
of Massachusetts v. Shepherd.
-Never heard of it. -Well, it was
a case involving me.
I was at the aquarium and I got lost.
I end up in the wrong bathroom.
Next thing I know, I'm getting arrested
for looking like a predator, which, incidentally,
is why they threw out the case.
They profiled the mustache.
-Hmm. -Not a good move.
You should just sue Barnsdale.
No, I'm not suing anyone, okay?
Suing is how rich white people solve their problems.
Yeah, but you don't have to actually sue them.
You could just threaten to sue them.
I do love threatening.
Hey, Sabrina, I'm so happy you wanted to come back here.
Yeah, well, these ribs are delicious.
And... I wanted to sing and show you
there was nothing to be afraid of.
-Really? -Mmm-hmm.
Oh, I'm so nervous for you.
I want to throw up and run away.
MAN: All right, next up, Sabrina Pemberton.
Watch and learn.
Come on up.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
So, how long have you been in America?
Since I was 12 years old.
Is your family out here?
My family is dead.
-Mmm. -My mother, she died of malaria.
So I ran away from home.
Then I was taken and made to be a soldier.
-Huh. -They gave me a gun and forced me
to execute a farmer, but my gun jammed.
Thank God you caught a break.
They made me hack him with a machete instead.
(SHUDDERS)
It was my ninth birthday.
Wow. That...
that's just...
perfect.
Do you mind starting from the top?
Just... Record it for a friend.
This next song is for my maid, Alba.
(CHUCKLES)
She's been keeping it real since I was in diapers.
WOMAN: Yeah, Alba! Everybody show her some love! Come on!
You my girl, Alba.
You my girl.
I love you, boo. Let's do this.
Uh. Uh. Uh.
-Come on. Ha. -(WHOOPING)
Sicka than your average, poppa twist cabbage off instinct...
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
Easy access, huh?
Mark that down as the school's first security issue.
-Yeah, check. -All right, I'm gonna go
have a chat with that principal.
You stay here and film anything that looks dangerous.
Safety hazards, violations, dangerous birds.
Anything you think we could use as a potential lawsuit.
Okay.
By the time I'm done,
Ben will be prom queen.
(BOOING)
You got some nerve using that word. Racist!
SABRINA: How was that racist?
-Those are the words of the song. -MAN: Have some respect!
Hey. Where you going? I thought we were friends.
You don't even know my name.
SABRINA: Is Mark Twain racist?
Good-bye, Chip.
-Good-bye... you. -I mean,
asking me to sanitize Biggie's art, that's racist.
Yeah, if we didn't buy Biggie's albums,
then he wouldn't be kicking it on a yacht right now.
-Oh, stop. -(BOOING)
Shut up, Chip. You're not helping.
At last...
My love has come along
(WHISTLING, APPLAUSE)
WOMAN: Yeah, Alba! (WHOOPING)
My lonely days are over
(WHOOPING)
And life is like a song...
-Damn, girl's got pipes. -(APPLAUSE)
-Wow. -MAN: Go, Alba!
Yeah, yeah...
-Ya! -(SCREAMS)
Molested!
(CHUCKLES) Just kidding.
I will not. But if I did want to violate you,
there would be no one around to stop me.
-Get out! -Eh, fair enough.
You finish up this little operation.
I'll meet you in the hallway.
Oh, my God.
Why are you here?
You no longer have a child at this school.
It's annoying, right? And the thing is,
you could have me escorted out, but you have no security.
And you know what else you don't have?
Security cameras. Ah!
Ooh! Dark, scary room.
You know what they call that in prison?
They call that a blind spot.
It's a real good place to catch a shiv.
Okay. Please stop kicking doors.
I am simply trying to point out that my little Beth
is not the problem.
Let's take a walk.
I mean, take a look around this place.
This school is a hotbed for predators.
Whoa! Hold on, who's that guy?
Hey. Little girl.
Hi. Do you feel safe?
Please tell me you know him and he's a parent
-and not some predator. -Oh, yeah?
-I've never seen that man before. -Pervert!
-Predator! -(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Pedophile!
Not again.
What kind of operation are you running here, lady?
You've just got Peeping Toms milling about, making smut films?
-No. -I've got half a mind to report you.
No, no, no. Wait, wait.
Mmm-hmm.
There's my guy. Hey,
guess who's back in Barnsdale.
I'm thinking a five.
I'm not happy there.
What are you talking about? We love Barnsdale.
Can I go back to my old school?
Really?
I'm sorry for whatever I was doing wrong.
Oh, buddy.
Hey, you didn't do anything wrong.
I was the problem, not you.
Can I still wear skirts and stuff,
or will I get in trouble?
You do whatever you want.
Okay?
I'm sorry.
(HUMMING)
Oh, good.
You're here. Uh, please, have a seat.
I really would like to talk to you about Ben.
I sit there.
You've got assigned seats in here?
Yeah, it's a principal's office.
Hmm. Where I'm from, the guest gets the good seat.
No, not here. Okay. It doesn't matter.
Listen, please give Ben another chance
-and take him back. -I'm sorry, it's too late for that.
I know. I get it. I owe you an apology.
I certainly owe Ben an apology.
I most likely owe the entire LGBTQ community an apology.
But I... Please, just give us another chance.
I'm sorry, but you probably shouldn't have pulled him out.
I know. I shouldn't have. I make bad decisions.
I'm a terrible person and a horrible influence.
I drink, smoke, lie, steal.
I'm drunk right now. (CHUCKLES)
I had to take a cab to get here.
And then I had to run away when it was time to pay,
'cause I didn't have any money.
(SIGHS)
And I stole this from your desk.
Oh. (SIGHS) I... Please.
I'm sorry, okay? I'm awful. I can't help it.
Yes, you are. Now please leave, or I'll have to call security.
Security! You've got security. That's awesome.
That's exactly why Ben needs to go here.
It's a good school. And he was happy here.
Just... Please, if you don't take him back,
I might have to homeschool him.
And I will ruin him.
Please don't let me do that.
All right, fine, fine. Ben can return to Lockwood.
You cannot.
You got it. Thank you so much. Okay. All right.
One last thing,
please cut the kid some slack on his outfits, okay?
He's gender fluid.
He's what?
He's gender fluid.
You're an educator.
Educate yourself.
(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)
All I'm saying is, I never yelled a racial slur
-at a crowd of people. -I didn't yell it.
I just sang it exactly like it is in the song.
Well, my Nigerian friend is pretty torn up over it.
Again, his name is Kingsley.
Look, here comes Mickey. Let's just keep this
between us, okay? I want to keep capitalizing
on this Guatemalan thing.
Part of my brand.
Absolutely. Plus, I want to rub it in her face
-that we've been hanging out. -Oh,
don't worry. I won't mention you said that word a bunch of times.
Hey, Mickey. Did you know that the national bird
of Guatemala is the quetzal?
'Cause I do.
What's Alba's last name?
Hmm.
Really?
I'm sorry. I...
-Santiago? -Sanchez? No.
-Um, Smith? -With an "R"? Ra-Ramirez.
-It's Ramirez! -Rodriguez!
(JACKHAMMERING)
What the hell is that?
Oh. Barnsdale's doubling the size of their wall
to keep out the creepies.
We done good, Mick.
-(JACKHAMMERING CONTINUES) -(GROANS)
-(TRUCK BRAKE HISSES) -(CREAKING)
(TRUCK BEEPING)
I mean...
You good with this?
This is crazy. (GROANS)
MICKEY: Molested!