-(CAR HORN HONKS) -(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
(TIRES SCREECH)
MAN: Look out!
-(HORN HONKING) -MICKEY: Whoa! Move it, idiots!
All right, everybody out.
Go learn a bunch of stuff you'll never use.
"Bye, Aunt Mickey. Thank you.
"I recognize I'm not your kid.
"It totally blows to wake up at 7:00 a.m." That's okay, Sabrina.
Thanks for saying thanks. Bye.
CHIP: Yeah, don't forget...
Ben and I need a ride to the dentist tomorrow after school.
Sounds like a Jimmy job.
What? Why?
-'Cause I don't want to do it. -No.
I mean, why do they have to go to the dentist at all?
We're getting our teeth cleaned.
Yeah, well, don't you have a toothbrush?
God, your generation's gone soft.
Dentists aren't our generation.
Well, they're not my generation, okay?
I've never even been to one, and I'm doing just fine.
You've had that tooth rotting out of your face for at least five years.
And do you hear me complaining about it?
No, because I chew on the other side,
and I avoid hot and colds. My body is my dentist.
When that bad tooth is ready to come out, it will expel it naturally.
Oh, boy. Nope, school po-po coming.
Come on, everybody out. Go, go, go, go, go. Quick, quick, quick.
-Come on. Out. No. Okay. Go, go. -Ms. Molng, may I have a word, please?
You know what? If this is about the car, it's cool...
It isn't. I mean, don't do it again, but I actually wanted
to talk to you about an ongoing bullying situation
involving one of your kids.
Well, yeah, you know, that's just sort of bound to happen.
Chip's a walking target, isn't he? I got to be honest.
If it were appropriate for me to beat the hell out him,
I'd... I would do it on a daily basis.
This isn't about Chip. This is about Sabrina.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's tough. She's the worst.
I've been on the receiving end of that for months now.
She tears me down, I build myself back up.
She tears me down, I build myself back up again.
I got to be honest. I'm running out of building supplies.
Well, I'm sorry you're doing so much building,
but it's actually Sabrina who's being bullied.
Oh. Come again?
It seems that she has been excommunicated from her
friend group, and since
she is quite possibly our most popular student,
it's had a ripple effect on our entire ecosystem.
All right, are we talking about the same Sabrina?
Dark hair? Pretty in
-a terrifying kind of way? -I've spoken to her.
She won't open up. You're her aunt.
Perhaps you can get through to her.
Yeah. Yeah, probably. Yeah, I'll get right on it.
Thanks for the heads up.
(BOTH CACKLING)
She's getting bullied!
It's so good.
Well, you know, karma is a fair, but merciless bitch.
Oh, yeah. Normally, I would never, never wish harm on anyone,
but the thought of Sabrina eating lunch by herself,
oh, is so nice.
So good.
I mean, this might be the best thing
-that's ever happened to her. -Oh, yeah.
-I mean, knock her down a peg. -Yeah, she made her mean bed
and now she can sleep in those scratchy sheets.
Sleep in scratchy sheets, you bitch, right?
Oh, yeah.
Good night.
-(DOOR SLAMS) -Sweet dreams. Good luck.
Oh! Oh! Tough day at the office?
What the hell did you just say to me?
Just a... You know, just a quick dig on your way by.
Oh, yeah? You think that's funny? Maybe you should look
in the mirror, you bug-eyed bitch.
ALBA: Okay, you know, maybe
-we just take a deep breath. -Oh, yeah?
You got something to say, too, Alba?
No. You are right,
no matter what you say about anything.
That's what I thought, chismosa.
(ALBA GASPS)
Wh...
(SMACKS LIPS) I don't know what that word meant...
-Mmm. -...but I conclude it was nasty.
-Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. -Yeah?
What the hell was that about?
I don't know.
I thought bullying would soften her, but that was really scary.
Yeah, we do this all the time,
but usually there's some art to it, you know what I mean?
There's nothing clever about that.
That really hurt my feelings.
Is this what bullying's gonna do to her?
-(GASPS) -Okay, this is not nearly as fun
-as I thought it was gonna be. -No.
-All right, I'll go talk to her. -Yeah.
Be brave.
Safe to come in?
What do you want?
Look, your principal let me know that you were getting bullied,
and I just wanted to say that we've all been there,
including me, if you can believe it.
Oh, I can believe it.
Okay. Great.
Then maybe I can be of some help.
What are we working with here?
Wedgies? Swirlies? Sack taps?
It's nothing, it's just some stupid cyberbullying.
What the hell is cyberbullying?
Bullying, but on the Internet.
You're letting a bunch of nerds pick on you
-with their computers? -They're not nerds.
Well, they're nerds if they're on the Internet.
It's my friend Zoe.
Used to be my friend, whatever.
Why don't you just systematically destroy her?
Isn't that what you do?
-I can't. -Why?
(SHOUTS) I just can't, okay?
Okay. It just doesn't seem like you, that's all.
I'm sorry, don't you have something better to be worrying about?
Like the fact that you're really bad at makeup,
even though you've had 70 years of practice?
Okey-doke, I can see where this is headed, so I'm just gonna hit the road.
Mmm.
How did it go?
Well, she ripped me open,
stuffed me full of devastation, and then sewed me back up again.
-Oh. -Let me ask you something.
-Do I look 70? -What?
You know what, forget it. For some reason,
-she's not fighting back, you know? -Oh.
And now, that's leaking into our ecosystem.
No, no, no, no.
I cannot handle a meaner Sabrina.
Well, then we are going to have to restore order for her.
Mmm.
Is that your face? Or did scientists figure out a way
to grow a ponytail on a meatball?
-(BOTH LAUGH) -That's nice.
-Yeah. -Mmm, I got one, I got one.
-You got one? -Mmm-hmm.
-You are like a can of tuna fish... -Uh-huh.
-...that has far exceeded... -Uh-huh.
...its expiration date. (LAUGHS)
-I don't get that. -No, it's good, good.
-Yeah, she smells. -Okay.
What are you doing on my laptop?
Oh, man,
we are feeding these cyberbully dicks
-with both barrels. -Mmm.
-What? -Mmm-hmm.
Let me see.
You're on my account.
Of course I'm on your account.
How else would I be you?
Oh, my God.
-Oh, this is bad. -Oh, no,
-she had some real stinkers. -I...
Are you looking at the tuna fish one?
-Come on. -'Cause scroll up, mine are funny.
You don't get it!
Zoe stole my journal from my locker!
Hold on a second, you-you keep a diary?
It's not a diary, it's a journal.
-Oh. -Okay? And because of you,
she just blasted it all over the Internet!
Hold on. Calm down. Okay?
-(GASPS) -Calm down. Let's see.
Is this you?
"Abandoned, deserted, rejected.
"I set out on my boat,
"riding a sea of my parents' mistakes."
-(STRANGLED SOB) -Ah. "Who will love me?
"These sails will not.
"The sea cannot. The sky?"
(SOBS)
"The sky can only watch." Okay.
It was stream of consciousness!
No, yeah, no, it reads as stream of consciousness.
I think it's... It's all class.
-What do you think? -No, I... It's nice.
You-you are a writer, that is for sure.
Shut up, both of you!
Give me this!
You ruined my life!
(CRYING)
God, did you know she was such an ugly crier?
I'm not crying!
-Yeah. -(CONTINUES CRYING)
(SOFTLY) Okay.
The fish look sick.
(SCOFFS)
Can you believe this crap?
What's not to believe?
All of it, propaganda being pushed by Big Tooth,
trying to convince you you're less of a human
if you don't "Smile Like a Star."
What are you blathering about?
These so-called professionals use fear to convince us
that we need them, when in reality you could probably do it yourself.
Hell, a monkey could do it.
People don't do their own dental work because it's a specialized skill.
I mean, I could unclog my toilets,
but I prefer to have a plumber do it.
Do not get me started on plumbers.
Good job, little man.
See you in six months, all right?
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)
I only have one cavity!
JIMMY: Oh, really?
Who told you that, the tooth jockey?
Guess we better take his word for it.
Excuse me?
I'm sorry, Doc. If you saw the mess
inside of his mouth, you'd know he's an idiot.
You know what, this is good. Let's test this out.
Bet you this clown can't look in there
and tell me which tooth is bothering me.
Oh, wow.
I assume it's your number 19 molar.
The black one.
That tooth needs to come out immediately.
Good guess. Here comes the sell.
-What's that gonna cost me? -Nothing.
Your insurance should cover it.
You think he has insurance?
Procedure runs about 1,500 without it.
Yeah, well, how about I just buy you a new set of golf clubs,
and we skip the part where you perform unnecessary surgery on me?
DENTIST: I assure you it's necessary.
An infection like that could leach into your bloodstream and kill you.
-(SCOFFS) -Definitely leave it in, then.
You can die from a tooth?
JIMMY: Don't listen to this tongue toucher.
Back in the old days, dentists weren't even a thing.
Barbers took care of everything above the shoulders.
You didn't know that, Doctor?
I don't know where all this animosity's coming from,
but it doesn't change the fact that tooth needs to come out.
Do it yourself for all I care.
Yeah, well, maybe I will.
And you can do whatever this is, for all I care.
Let's go, boys.
(SABRINA YELPS AND GROANS)
-Get up. -No.
Come on. Pity party's over. Let's go.
Leave me alone. This is all your fault.
Sabrina, you can't stay here forever.
You've got to go back to school at some point.
I can't.
Nobody cares that you keep a diary.
-It's a journal. -Whatever.
It doesn't matter. It's not a big deal.
You don't get it.
Everybody used to fear and respect me.
Now they think I'm some sad sack of emotion.
Oh, come on. Hey, don't say that.
I'm sure they still fear you.
You're the meanest person I've ever met.
I'm scared to come out of my room most mornings
'cause I don't know what you're gonna say to me.
-Really? -Yeah.
You know that time you told me my voice sounded fat?
-(LAUGHS) -(GASPS)
Yeah, that was a good one.
That was a great one.
It's like you've got butter in your throat.
Yeah, I mean, it doesn't make any sense to me.
I can't wrap my mind around what that even means,
but that's the point. I've been thinking about it ever since.
See, you got in my head.
That's the bitch that's inside of you.
That's the bitch they need to see.
Yeah, but how?
By marching over to Zoe's house and tearing her ass to pieces.
-Yeah, I... -Mmm.
Well, yeah, I guess I could do that.
Oh, you guess? Not good enough. Let me hear you say it.
Fine, I'll tear her ass to pieces.
-Happy? -Happy?
No, I'm not happy.
'Cause that sounded like you wanted to go over there
and tickle her ass a little bit, but that's not gonna do the trick.
This girl humiliated you. What are you gonna do about it?
I'm gonna tear her ass to pieces!
That's what I'm talking about. Then what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna feed it to her.
Whoo-hoo, I like it!
Let's go get that diary.
-It's a journal. -Uh, doesn't matter!
In what world is this easier than going to a dentist?
A cheaper one. Do you have any idea
how much an actual tank of nitrous costs?
No. How much?
I don't know. But a lot more than whipped cream.
Granted, this isn't medical grade, but it's still gonna give me the wah-wahs.
This is insane. Let's just go back to the dentist.
No, absolutely not.
Hey, I'm trying to teach you guys a valuable life lesson here, all right?
A little self-sufficiency.
Can you just teach us how to change a tire or something?
I'm excited to see you rip your teeth out.
-JIMMY: Thanks, pal. -Don't encourage this, Ben.
Okay, you know what, Chip? Let me tell you something.
Ears up, Ben.
Not-to-near future, nuclear holocaust, right?
Credit card, money, house gone.
None of it works. Sabrina, Alba, Mickey...
they're gone. Why?
Because you ate them.
You had to.
Would you be able to do anything for yourself?
And, uh, that'll be $86.78.
Well, that's a little bit more than I was intending to spend.
Why don't you go ahead and throw everything back
except the whipped cream, vodka and pliers.
(SNIFFS) Yeah.
Let's party.
(HEAVY METAL PLAYING ON RADIO) I'm in your head tonight, can you feel me?
I'm in your head tonight, can you feel me?
What are we listening to?
Fight music. Getting us jacked up for battle.
Ugh. Why are they yelling?
Are they angry 'cause they're bad musicians?
Don't overthink it, just drink your Speed Demon.
I can't drink any more of this. I feel like my heart's gonna explode.
Good. That's right. Means it's working.
Okay, you ready for this?
-Yes. Yeah! -Yeah?
-You ready for this? -Yeah!
-It's go time. -(MUSIC STOPS)
-What's with the ice? -You'll see.
(EXHALES) Yes! Ready?
-I'm ready! -Yeah? All right.
No hesitation, okay?
She opens that door, we just launch on her.
I got this!
Cool off, bitch!
Uh... uh...
Sabrina, what are you doing at my house?
This is my house, Zoe!
-One second. -So you better give me my journal back
before I beat your ass so hard you actually
-feel it for once! -Time-out, time-out!
How 'bout that?
Oopsy. Time-out. Time-out.
Can you excuse us just for a second?
C-Can I have a word?
What the hell are you doing?
What do you mean? I'm gonna feed her her ass!
-No, you can't feed her her ass. -Why not?
Because she's busy sitting on it,
-in a wheelchair. -What does that have to do with it?
It has everything to do with it.
-You can't beat up a disabled person. -Says who?
Says everybody. That's a rule.
Oh, that is so archaic.
She deserves to be treated just like everybody else.
Oh, get out of here.
I will never understand your generation.
What is there to understand? How is this...
Okay, sorry, guys, I'm gonna get going.
Oh, by the way, Sabrina, if you need me,
I'll be posting your entire journal online. Okay, bye.
No, no, no, no, no!
(GROANS)
We had her, Mickey!
You left out the part where her legs don't work!
Let's go!
All right, let me have it. How bad is it?
"My mind is cluttered, like an old drawer
"that you haven't cleared out,
"that you can't clear out because it would take too long,
"be too painful."
-Whoa, that is humiliating. -Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I was in a bad place, Alba. Okay?
Oh, here's a cheerier one, okay.
"Mickey saved me half a tuna fish sandwich last night.
"That small gesture is the most gracious thing anyone has done
"since my parents abandoned me."
Oh, that sandwich was for Jimmy.
Oh.
But I'm really glad that it brightened up...
-No. -...what seemed to be a tough day...
Screw this, okay? Just screw it.
This is so pointless, okay?
There is no plan B. (SIGHS)
I might as well just kill myself.
Well, that's not a terrible idea.
-Thanks. -Well... No, no, no.
Not actually killing yourself, but the threat of it?
Oh, everyone WOULD think you are crazy,
and no one would mess with you no more.
Yeah, but suicide's more sad than crazy.
That's not what we're after. Now, murder-suicide...
-Ooh, yeah. -There we go. nobody's messing with that.
Eh, I don't know. That's like deranged, Jim Jones crazy.
I'm going for more self-sabotage, train wreck.
Like Britney crazy.
-Oh, I love Britney. -Yeah, of course you do.
-Everyone does, because she's perfect. -Mmm.
And she's currently enjoying a great second act.
Yeah, yeah.
I think you might be on to something here.
Ding-ding, boys. School's in session.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
This is as good as I'll ever be.
Maybe your tooth hurts 'cause you're eating
too much whipped cream.
I'm not eating whipped cream, Ben.
I'm sucking the nitrous out of the can.
Can I have some?
No.
Not until your brain is fully developed.
Talk to me when you're 13.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
All right.
I could rip the tongue out of my own mouth. Pliers.
Watch and learn, boys.
Dude, wrong tooth. You got to get the black one.
I know which one it is, okay?
I just can't see inside my own mouth.
You know what? You do it.
No way. I'm not getting anywhere near that thing.
I'll do it.
Yeah, it's probably better.
This red-headed gumdrop will bungle it anyway.
Give me the... Give me the pliers.
Oh, yeah.
There we go. There's hope for you yet.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
All right, before the high wears off.
Got this.
Ow!
Come on.
I can't get it! It's too slimy and scummy!
Yeah, well, you got to clamp down on it!
All right, got it, I got it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now grip it and rip it.
All right.
BEN AND CHIP: One, two, three!
-(GURGLES) -CHIP: Oh, my God!
-It broke off! -(SCREAMING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Painkiller! Painkiller!
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(ALL CONTINUE SCREAMING)
-It burns! Don't touch me! -Oh, I'm sorry!
This is what happens when we're self-sufficient!
Get the keys! Get the keys!
We need a professional.
-It'll grow back. -(CLIPPERS BUZZING)
It'll grow back.
Hey Sabr... Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on, hang on!
What are you doing?
What do you mean? I'm doing Britney.
Oh. Whoa, hold on.
-Hold off on that, just for a second. -Why?
I-I think maybe, uh,
the old wires got a little crisscrossed.
-What do you mean? -You know,
I see now that you were thinking shaved head Britney.
-Yeah. -Only problem is
Alba and I, we kind of had a different take on it, you know?
-(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) -What's going on?
Just know that I'm very sorry for what's about to happen.
-What? -Okay?
Oh, there's the crazy bitch. Take her away.
-COP: Sabrina Pemberton? -Yeah?
We're placing you under involuntary psychiatric care.
What? You 5150'd me?
Yeah, yeah.
Miss Pemberton, I'm gonna need you
to put down that weapon and come with us.
(SCOFFS) This isn't a weapon, look.
It's a shaver. I mean... what?
Let me go! I'm not crazy! You're all crazy!
-Oh, yeah, everybody's crazy but her. -Get your hands off!
-This is... Ow! -MICKEY: Whoo!
Wow, authentic. Nice.
(CALMLY) No. That's... That's good.
-Hey, Mickey? -Hmm?
Thanks for the sandwich.
You got it.
I think that went great.
Hey, Doc, you got to help me. Come on, let's go inside
-and pop this thing out. -Sir, you need to take your hands off me.
No, come on. What do you want to hear, that I was wrong?
That I'm wrong and you're right?
-You need to go to the emergency room. -Hey, Doc,
he could really use the help. I'll even pay for it.
I'm a pediatric dentist. This man needs an oral surgeon!
-No, I believe in you! -Sir?
-I believe in you. -I'm warning you, let go of me!
(GURGLES) Oh.
Oh. Ah, God!
(GROANING)
Ah, that burns! Oh! Oh.
You got it in my mouth! Come on! Come here!
-(ENGINE STARTS) -Come on.
Get out. Get out of the car. Come on!
(BONES CRACK) Aah!
My hand! (SCREAMS)
Oh, you sadistic bastard!
Ah!
-You crushed me. -CHIP: Oh.
(SCREAMS)
There she is! Welcome back.
Oh, you looking...
rested.
How was your stay?
I'm never talking to you two again.
Do you have any idea what I saw in there?
A woman threatened to cut off her own breasts.
Mmm. Shoot.
Okay, well, you should come check out what's going on outside,
'cause I think you're gonna be pleasantly surprised.
Hey, Sabrina.
Uh, I'm so sorry about everything.
I just want us to be friends again.
Here's your journal.
SABRINA: That's okay, Zoe.
I forgive you.
I had a lot of time to think in there, and I'm not mad at you.
-You're not? -No.
Oh, my... (CHUCKLES)
Of course not.
It would be such a silly waste of time
for someone like me to be mad at someone as insignificant as you.
The truth is...
I pity you.
Oh.
Okay, thanks.
You're welcome. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Come on, you guys, let's go.
(SIGHS)
I fear for her friends.
MICKEY: Yeah. Well, better them than us.
-Yeah, the bitch is back. (LAUGHS) -What'd you say?
-No, I didn't say nothing. -I didn't hear anything.
-ALBA: No. -That's what I thought.
(SIGHS)
(TIRES SCREECH)
You got to help me.
He got an appointment?
SABRINA: I'm not crying!