BEN: And then the monster ripped my guts out,
but I was still alive, and then he started eating them
even though they smelled like barf, but he didn't care.
And then I screamed for help, but no one came,
and then he slipped in the barf, and then I woke up.
W-Wait, I am confused.
Did it just smell like barf, or was there actual barf?
-Both. -Oh.
Okay. Ben, that sounds really scary, I totally understand,
but you're just having nightmares. Monsters aren't real.
It is real! One night, he's gonna come and finish the job,
and you'll be sorry.
Ay, Benny, come on.
Yeah, all good, bro. I-I get it.
For sure.
Hey, I'm sorry, too.
And listen, like...
Oh, totally, totally.
Dope, dope.
All right.
Peace.
Damn it!
Who was that?
My new lab partner, Dylan. Dude's the freakin' man.
And we've had this amazing week together.
Just, you know, crushing our lab reports,
farting in beakers. Laughing our freaking balls off.
Just vibin'.
-So you guys, like, a thing now? -(ALBA AND MICKEY LAUGH)
I wish. Being friends with this kid
would blast me into a new social stratosphere.
-Well, what's the problem? -You're the problem.
I invited him to sleep over and seal the deal,
but his stupid mom won't let him.
How's that my fault?
Because everybody thinks this is an unsupervised trash house.
-Unsupervised? -Yeah.
Are you kidding me?
I supervise.
Alba, did you know about this?
Oh, yeah, it is said often. By many people.
-Mmm. -(SPUTTERS)
Well, I did not think you cared.
I thought you were proud of your trash brand.
I don't care. But what's the point of working my ass off
if nobody knows I'm working my ass off?
'Cause it is a blessing, okay?
This place has been heaven ever since these kids
got booted from the system.
What system?
Ay, the system where you take someone's kid,
you give their parents the night off.
Then the next weekend, they return the favor.
And round and round it goes.
That sounds amazing.
Not for me it wasn't. Poodle would pop her pills
while Alba was left to scrub the urine from the sleeping bags.
Hold on a second, so these parents are cool
with a pillhead watching their kids but not me?
Oh, hell no. These Greenwich turds are gonna show me
-the respect I deserve. -What does that mean?
It means you're gonna sleep with that boy.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
There she is. That's Dylan's mom.
And that's Dylan.
Keep it in your pants and follow my lead.
-'Sup, D-Money? -Oh, Mint Chocolate Chip.
What's good, playboy?
Chip, are you forgetting something?
Your raw yogurt with bee pollen.
You know what I always say.
When we feed our brains, our minds can get to work.
Right, totally. You're never not saying that.
Hi there, uh, I'm Chip's Aunt Mackenzie.
I'm Karen, Dylan's mom.
Oh, my goodness, I am so happy to finally meet you.
Chip here is just head over heels for your little Dylan.
CHIP: Aunt Mackenzie.
-Yeah? -Can Dylan sleep over tonight?
Oh, Chip, I do know you have a history paper due on Monday.
I already wrote it.
Well, you saying there's no room for improvement?
-Why, I have all day Sunday. -Wh-What about church?
-I could do it after. -I don't see how that
leaves room for puzzle hour at the senior center.
-Please. -Mmm-hmm. Yep, okay.
Well, it has to be okay with Dylan's mom.
Oh, Mom, can I, please?
Oh, I don't think so, sweetheart.
It's no offense, I just don't know you very well.
Absolutely, no offense taken. I'm the exact same way.
Come on, we'll be good. I promise.
Well...
My husband is out of town, and I'm kind of short-handed.
Honestly, it's perfectly fine. Just let me take him off your hands.
Run a bubble bath, slug down a bottle of... of, uh...
A glass, have a glass of wine. You know?
-That does sound nice. -Yeah.
Okay, what the heck?
-Totes. -I guess it's all right.
I just have a few guidelines.
No dairy, no refined sugar, no gluten.
For a cool kid, this guy comes with a lot of instructions.
Yeah, he's a nerd.
Hey, Alba, just the woman I wanted to see. Okay, I'm gonna need you to
fill the essential oil diffuser in Dylan's humidifier.
Ooh, no can do. I am Poodling tonight.
-What? -And it says "No heavy machinery," so...
No... Damn you.
I mean, look at all this crap.
Whoa. What's that for?
MICKEY: That's an adrenaline shot.
That's to bring Dylan back from the dead in the event
he finds himself in the same room as a peanut.
God. I love a good sleepover.
You know? The bonding, the secrets, the pranks.
I guarantee you, someone gets this jammed in their ass tonight.
All right. This is an important night for me.
I don't need Dylan going home and telling his mom
he was sharing secrets and jamming asses with a strange grown man.
In fact, take Ben to bed.
-All right. -What about the monster?
Buddy, (SIGHS) if you encounter any monsters tonight, tell you what,
just dream up some ice picks, you know?
And stab him in his face a bunch of times. Sound good?
-Yeah. -Okay.
(RETCHES)
Ooh! Swoopy bang brothers. Good to see you guys.
Hey, Dylan,
did you want your fish oils now, or did you want to wait
and have them with your ginseng and milk-thistle lozenges?
You don't have to actually do all that stuff. My mom's kind of crazy.
Well, no... no crazier than me.
Right, Chip? I'm, like, the craziest mom in town.
-You're not a mom. -Well, I'm strict as hell.
And I'm crossing every single item off of this list.
Including... no cell phones after 8:00. Thank you.
(QUIETLY) Dude, I thought you said she was chill.
Well, she is, just...
Mickey, a word?
Hmm?
Listen, I kind of told Dylan you were chill,
so I'm gonna need you to go ahead and be chill, you feel me?
Yeah, I feel you. Yeah.
Here you go, buddy, go nuts.
You're kidding, right? I gave you $200.
Yeah, you're gonna want to learn to bribe better.
That's about as crazy as it's gonna get tonight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, missy. Where do you think you're going?
None of your business, jackass.
Whoa! Wha... That's no way to talk to your superior.
That will be one... demerit for you.
Okay, whatever you're doing, stop it. I'm going to study at Kylie's.
Good, good. Go study. Study hard.
School is very important to me, Dylan.
You'll want to tell your mom that. Tell all the moms.
Screw this. Come on, homie. Let's go kick it in my dojo.
(SNORING)
(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON TELEVISION)
JIMMY: Oh...
First one asleep.
Sorry, Alba.
Rules are rules.
Dylan, time for your melatonin tea, and then lights out.
CHIP: Just a second. (WHISPERING) Come on, hurry up.
What's going on in there? (CHUCKLES)
You know we don't lock the doors in this house.
(BUMPING, CLATTERING)
-Hurry. -I am.
Smells like lip balm and cigarettes in here.
(CLATTERING, COUGHING)
I can explain.
(GIGGLES)
Who's this?
I'm Olivia.
Who the hell are you?
(LAUGHS)
-Where the hell did this chick come from? -She's Dylan's girlfriend.
She showed up like this, I swear.
-That's, like, a $500 bottle of cognac. -It tastes like ass.
Well, you look like ass. Give that to me.
DYLAN: Please don't tell my mom.
-She'll freak if she finds out. -(DOORBELL RINGS)
Okay, just, you... Don't move. I am not done with you two.
(OLIVIA LAUGHING)
-Get off the bed. -No.
Hey. Can I help you?
I'm sorry to bother you. I'm looking for my daughter Olivia.
Is she here?
Uh, Olivia, no.
No, nobody here by that name. Yeah, sorry about that.
Uh, please, please.
She raided my liquor cabinet and snuck out.
I tracked the GPS on my phone to this house.
Can you just check for me?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, of course I can. Excuse me.
Chip!
-It's your girlfriend. -This is your house.
Oh, well, at least she was drinking on a full stomach... real good.
Okay, Olivia's dad's downstairs. He tracked her phone here.
What? What-What are we gonna do?
Whoa. Just relax, milk thistle. We don't have a lot of time.
-Now, who else knows she's here? -Just us.
Okay, great. So get on her phone and delete anything
that traces her back to the house. Text messages, pictures, whatever.
-Jimmy! -It's locked.
Yeah, so wipe the puke off her thumb and unlock it. Jimmy!
What... What the hell is this?
"Come over to Chip's house." No, wait, dude, hold on.
-"We can use his room to make out." -It's not like that.
-"I think he might be in love with me." -Dude.
You're reading that totally out of context.
"He's trying to impress me by sniffing his own farts."
Bro, I thought you thought it was funny.
I did, I thought it was mad funny, dude, but you kept doing it and it got weird.
Forget you. Let's feed him to the wolves.
-All right, no... -Please do not feed me to the wolves.
No one's gonna be feeding anybody to the wolves. All right?
This is my one shot to get into the system,
and you guys are not gonna blow it for me, understood?
-Oh... that is gross but excellent. -I know.
-What? No, no, no. I know, no. -I'm gonna draw on her.
I know you want to, but you can't 'cause her dad's downstairs.
He traced her here through her phone, like come kind of freakin' CIA agent.
I need you to take the phone and get it as far away from this house as possible.
Mischief. I like it.
Just keep him on the move long enough for us to get his daughter home safely.
-Done. Epic night. -Okay. Oh... Jimmy!
-Yeah? -You want to take the phone?
Oh, yeah. I was so excited.
-You got excited, I know. -I'm, like, halfway.
I know you are. Dylan, you start mopping up.
Chip? You ever want to have anybody over to the house again, come with me.
Hey, yeah, so she's not here.
(SIGHS)
But my nephew did want to tell you something.
Go ahead, Chip.
Olivia was here, but she's gone now.
(SIGHS) Did she say where she was going?
I don't know, it was kind of hard to understand her.
She was really liquored up.
Oh, God, not again.
Yeah, it kind of seemed like she wanted to hook up.
I mean, I wasn't even attracted to her, 'cause I like confident women...
Knock it off, knock it off. That'll do.
So sorry about your daughter. And we do hope you find her.
But wait, wait, wait. It says right here...
-She's on the move. -Oh?
-I'm sorry, I've got to go. -CHIP: All right.
-It's cool, good luck, yeah. -Hope you find her.
I mean...
-Is he gone? -MICKEY: Yeah, for now.
But we've gotta move fast.
Okay, Chip, open it up.
What? Not the trunk. You trying to get me crucified?
I'm sorry, I've never held a...
-(RETCHING) -Oh!
-Oh, my God. -Okay.
I thought she got it all out in the living room.
My bad. Trunk it is. We're not going too far.
Come on.
(PANTING)
Yeah.
Do a water and a beer.
Mischief.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
(PANTING)
(RINGTONE PLAYING) 'Cause it feels so good to be bad
I don't even try to be but it's all right...
-You son of a bitch. -Oh.
Oh.
All right, you know, I can explain this.
Aunt Mickey, I had a nightmare.
Aunt Mickey?
Hello?
Anybody there?
-Where are you guys? -(FOOTSTEP SPLATS)
He's here. He's here. He's here. (GASPS)
Alba.
Alba, wake up!
There's a monster in the house!
Wake up.
Alba!
-(GURGLING) -Where is she?
Where is she?
(GRUNTS)
What are you doing with my daughter's phone?
I don't know.
(GROANS)
I just found it, all right?
Pack of girls comes in here like Coyote Ugly,
and one of 'em drops it.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
What have I done?
I'm just...
I'm scared to death about my daughter.
(GROANS)
How old is she?
She's 14.
Yeah, that's about the time they start going nuts.
Their whole system down there is firing off God knows when.
They got every magazine cover telling them they're ugly,
uncomfortable shoes and lotions and creams.
Too much, for everybody.
You're a dad, too?
Oh yeah... yeah, big-time.
18, 14 and seven. Seven was a surprise.
My wife had her tubes tied, but my guys busted through.
I'm sorry I kicked your ass like that.
Yeah, you didn't really kick my ass, all right?
You just... you got a drop on me.
Thank you.
You just drive... just drive safe.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(GROANING)
Come on, this chick is heavy.
She's got, like, a million freakin' keys.
There's a car coming!
Okay, last one, and we're tossing her in the bushes.
Oh, you got lucky, bitch.
(OLIVIA COUGHING)
Oh, come on, Chip.
I thought she was gonna yak on me.
You and the backstabber take over from here.
-Dude, I'm sorry, okay? -(GRUNTS)
I only said those things to make Olivia laugh.
Oh, so I'm like a joke to you now.
All right, fine. I'll admit it, at first, we just needed a place to hook up.
But then I really started to like you.
Okay, so now you're using me for my trash house?
Hey! Stop calling it that, okay? It's a mansion.
All right, come on, as if you weren't using me for my popularity.
It wasn't like that, Dylan. It was always about you.
Can't we just be homies again?
(SCOFFS) I wish we could, but it's a little too late for that now.
Okay, can you guys either fight or kiss or just shut the hell up, please?
(DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(WHISPERS) Someone's home.
-Okay, hide, hide, hide. -Where?
Uh, here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shh, shh, shh. Shh!
MICKEY: Ouch!
Oh, Olivia. Thank God.
(WHISPERING) Oh, God, the jig is up. We're so toast.
Shh.
If he sees us, he's within his rights to shoot us.
If you guys don't shut up, I'm gonna shoot you.
You scared the hell out of me tonight, kiddo.
Look, I know I haven't always been the best father,
but you have got to cool it with this behavior.
She's damaged goods.
OLIVIA: I want a freakin' grilled cheese.
God, that sounds good. I'm starving.
Shh. Just get some rest.
(SIGHS)
We'll talk about it in the morning.
(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)
-(SIGHS) -Shh.
Better tell your mom I was like a freaking prison warden.
-(DOORBELL RINGS) -(GASPS)
Shh.
Shh, shh.
-(DOORBELL RINGS) -Shh.
Hello.
-DYLAN: Mom? -(DOOR CLOSES)
Damn it, Dylan, your mom tracked your phone here.
-My-my phone doesn't have tracking. -Then what's she doing here?
You would not believe the night I've had.
Poor baby.
Let me make it all better.
(KAREN AND DON MOANING)
-(GASPING) -Shh.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
This... is... awesome.
Alba, wake up!
(SCREAMING)
Monster!
Benito!
(SHOUTING)
Oh, no.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, no. That's not good.
No. Ugh!
Benito!
Oh, no!
Where you go?
(CHUCKLES) All right, guys.
Yo, check this out.
(KAREN AND DON SIGH)
Better?
So much better.
(LAUGHS)
(KAREN SIGHS)
For what it's worth, your mom's got a pretty rocking body.
Chip, shut up. Oh!
-Don is live and uncut. -Gross.
How'd you get away, anyway?
Dylan's spending the night at his friend Chip's.
Chip Pemberton? Short little toad, red hair?
KAREN: Yeah.
I think he's in love with Dylan or something.
DON: I was at his house earlier looking for Olivia.
He didn't say anything about Dylan being there.
That's weird.
DON: Olivia was pretty hammered when she got home, too.
Come on.
That's it. I'm calling right now.
(PHONE VIBRATING)
No, no, no, no.
That bitch just hung up on me.
-I'm driving over there. -Right now?
What? Come on.
Bye. Thank you.
All right, mom of the year's got a head start,
so we got to hurry. Go, go, go.
I don't want to alarm you, but we hit anything below dog,
-and we're not stopping. -(ENGINE REVVING)
You guys go upstairs. She's gonna be here soon.
-What's this? -Aunt Mickey!
The monster's real and it's scary!
-(GROANS) -He either wants to drown me in his barf
-or skin me alive with his claws! -I know.
It's okay, it's okay, don't worry, don't worry.
Listen, I know you're upset, and you're scared of the monster
and I'm sorry, but I've told you a hundred times, they're not real, okay?
-So you don't... -(GROANING) Benito...
(SCREAMS)
Oh!
Alba? Oh.
You don't come creeping up behind someone...
-(DOORBELL RINGS) -Coming!
Here you go. You see? That's all you got to do.
-Karen? Hey. Oh. -Dylan?
Come on in.
Is, um, s-something the matter?
I called, but no one answered.
I know. Oh, gosh. The-the reception's real spotty.
-(SCOFFS) -You know.
Oh, hey, Mom. What are you doing here?
Well, I was worried, but...
Yeah.
...looks like everything is okay.
CHIP: Evening, Ms. Sherman.
-Mmm-hmm. -Got a real glow about you.
-What is that? -What?
-Did you not read the list? -Oh.
I was very clear.
No phone after 8:00.
MICKEY: Yeah, I know.
No, the thing is I-I did read the list.
-Right? I read the list. -Yeah.
Yeah, I just must have forgotten that one.
You just missed that one? (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry, but that's not gonna fly with me.
Huh. Yeah, gosh.
Just seems like a pretty small thing in the whole scheme
of what could've gone wrong tonight, you know?
Dylan, we're leaving.
What? Mom, stop.
Hush. I trusted this woman, despite her reputation,
and she has betrayed Mommy's trust.
Oh, hmm. Just like you betrayed Dad's?
Mmm-kay, ginseng, you sure you know what you're doing here?
What?
Uh, I know about you and Don.
-How? -I-It doesn't matter how, Karen!
'Cause I freaking know everything!
So why don't you mind your own little messed up life
and butt out of mine?
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
Excuse me. I'm gonna get that.
But is it just me, or do you feel like I'm not the worst parent in the room?
(LAUGHS)
(EXHALES)
(MICKEY CHUCKLES)
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING, GIRLS LAUGHING)
(CAR DOOR CLOSES, SABRINA SNORING)
MICKEY: Hmm. GIRL: Good night, princess!
-No idea who that is. -(CAR DRIVES OFF, GIRLS WHOOPING)
Come on, Dylan. We're leaving.
Listen, I'm sorry I've been such a jerk, man.
Water under the bridge.
I'm sorry you had to see your mom naked.
That's got to be pretty intense.
Yeah. Yeah, it was, but...
hey, at least I came out of it with a homie, right?
For sure, brah.
(GROANS)
Oh, Chip 'n Dip, by the way, next week, sleepover at my house, all right?
For sure, D-Train.
All right, word to Big Bird, bro.
Okay.
All in all, I think that's one for the win column, huh?
We are totally in the system, my friend.
And I totally bagged Dylan.
I wish you could hear yourself.
-(GROANS) -Want to bring her inside?
No. I don't feel like it.
-Morning. -Morning.
(MICKEY SNORING)
(JIMMY EXHALES)
(MICKEY CONTINUES SNORING)
SABRINA: None of your business, jackass.