(BEN AND CHIP SCREAMING)
What is happening? Is everything okay?
No, it's not okay!
A frickin' tarantula almost bit my frickin' arm off!
Aunt Mickey, do something! I'm scared!
Where?
-Right there! -Right frickin' there!
Are you blind?
Are you talking about that? The itsy bitsy spider?
(WHISPERING) Yeah.
Wow, ladies. All right, fine, I'll squish it.
No! Don't hurt it!
Oh, my God.
(BEN AND CHIP SCREAMING)
Are you serious?
You're frickin' suicidal, man.
Guys, that was tough for me to watch as a parent.
You're not a parent.
Good. 'Cause if I was, I'd be incredibly ashamed.
You are so soft.
(GROANS) Coffee.
Get your own coffee.
-Mug. -There are no mugs.
They piled up in the sink. I found it irritating.
Tossed 'em.
(GULPS) Morning.
Morning.
Hi.
Hi. What are you doing today, Jimmy?
Oh, boy. I was gonna go down to the airport
and watch the planes land.
Mmm. Sounds pressing. Uh, instead of that though,
why don't you take these two out for a guys' day?
What? Why?
'Cause, clearly, I'm failing you as a father.
You two need to learn to act like men.
This is your idea of a man? The guy's an animal.
Well, he's the closest thing we've got.
Maybe you'll all neutralize each other
and come back decent human beings.
Eh, no problem.
I'll make men out of 'em.
You don't need to make men out of 'em.
Just take 'em to a ball game or something. You know, guy stuff.
Okay.
I'll do it.
I'm bored. Let's do something.
Well, I've never tried mushrooms.
Seems kind of extreme for... for mid-morning.
Well, what else?
I don't know. Let's do a girls' day or something.
You know, the guys are out doing their thing.
I am listening.
Why don't we just be predictable for once?
Let's head into the city, grab some brunch,
like ladies do, get some mani-pedis.
Oh! We should go to the Armenian part of town
and hit up the hookah bars.
Oh. Uh...
seems a little off theme, but, sure, yeah, why not?
ALBA: Yeah. Okay.
Oh, hey, girl! What do you got going on today?
Don't answer that. Listen to this.
City, brunch, manis, pedis, hookah. In or out?
-Out. -What? Was it the hookah?
It was everything. But I have a doctor's appointment.
-You're not feeling well? -It's more of a consultation.
I'm getting breast implants.
What? Why?
I mean, I know why. But why?
-Because I want to. -I thought you were a feminist.
You can be a feminist and also be sexy.
Oh, my God. Okay.
I can appreciate that you're young and stupid. I really can.
But let me take you to school for a second.
Sexy is finding the thing that you hate most about yourself
and then shoving it into somebody else's face
until they think that you're okay with it.
-Yeah. Like Adrien Brody's nose. -Yeah.
I don't want Adrien Brody's nose for boobs.
Yeah, okay. Well, I don't want my knees, but that's life.
-What's wrong with your knees? -My knees are disgusting.
That's a weird insecurity.
Stop talking about my knees!
Okay? It's not about my knees, okay?
You're not getting a boob job.
Your mom's not here, and I'm not signing off on it.
My mom bought them for me.
They're my 18th birthday present.
Well, you're 17.
-I'm gonna hit the ground running. -Then I'm coming with you.
There's gonna be at least one voice of reason in that room.
-What about brunch? -I'm sorry, Alba,
brunch is canceled on account of Sabrina's stupidity.
Aw, come... (CLICKS TONGUE)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Whoa, is he okay?
Yeah, he's on top of the world. Can't you tell?
I don't get this whole fandom thing.
A bunch of middle-aged slobs dressed up like some kid half their age,
like they're a part of something. It's pathetic.
Yeah, boys.
I'm gonna get sick today. I know it.
All right, I was able to scalp two tickets together near the end zone.
Ben and I will be there with the diehards.
And you are in section 339, row double-Q.
Might want to wear some sunblock. You're gonna get scorched.
Why am I sitting alone?
-'Cause I bought the tickets. -I gave you the money.
Okay, let's not get bogged down in the details right now.
I don't even want to be here. I like my sports in high definition.
Buck up, Mary. Part of being a man's going it alone.
Let's meet at this light post 20 minutes after the game.
There's a million light posts.
Oh, really, are there a million light posts?
All right, fine.
Then the light post next to the red car, smart guy.
Let's get in there. I like to berate the opposing team during warm-ups.
Turtle town, baby!
Screw this.
Where can I get a ticket?
Thanks.
MICKEY: (SCOFFS) "Dr. J. Goodby."
-Stupid name. -What?
Sabrina, nice to see you again.
-Hi, I'm Dr. Goodby. -Mmm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah, you would be.
Please.
Well, clearly very good at what you do.
Ignore her.
So what brings you in today?
Cut the crap, Goodby. We all know why we're here.
Right. Breast implants.
I see your mom already paid for everything.
Yeah, she's gunning for mother of the year.
Well, all you have to do is choose a size.
What would you recommend? I don't want to go freakish with it,
I just want to look more mature.
-You already look 25. -Then again, the last thing I want
-is to feel like I didn't go big enough. -Oh, God.
How do you think a "D" would look?
Like a broom. With cantaloupes taped onto it.
Well, we do have some model implants, if you'd like to see for yourself.
Thank you.
There are a couple of options:
saline, a sterile saltwater solution
or silicone, a sturdier gel substance.
Saline, definitely. It's more natural.
Mmm. Yeah, always going green, this one.
Go ahead. You're welcome to touch.
Want to feel?
Well, yeah, I mean, obviously, I want to feel.
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah. Okay.
-Got a real weight to 'em. -Mmm.
Squishy. Nice.
Um...
what do you think about us taking 'em for a spin?
It's not a used car lot.
Oh, it's no problem. Let me get a gown.
Oh, no, I was thinking more along the lines of a field test.
Think it'd be pretty good for this one
to see what people think about her new friends.
I don't care what people think.
But you care enough to get 'em in the first place, so...
It's fine, right?
What do you say? We'll just take 'em around the block,
have 'em back by supper.
(SIGHS)
Okay. Just be careful.
You got it. What do you say, want to walk a mile in these boobs?
-Good morning. Excuse me. Hi. Hi there. -Oh, hi.
Excuse me. Hi. Beautiful day, isn't it?
Excuse me.
What's up? Hey.
How you doing?
-Wow. -I mean, my goodness.
Do you feel this energy shift?
I feel like everyone's staring right at me.
Yeah, maybe it's because you're working the room
like you're the mayor of Tit Town.
Yeah. You want to pop 'em on?
This is gonna be you from now on.
No, it won't. Mine'll be attached to my body,
not Frankensteined into my bra.
I'll get us a table.
Cool. I'm just gonna hang back here
and have humongous boobs.
What's shakin', pal?
He said it's gonna be an hour wait. Let's get out of here.
Hmm. No, it's okay, we got plenty of time.
Uh, one thing I'm noticing... all the women hate me.
-You picking up on that? -Yeah. I am.
It's because you're eye-banging their husbands.
No, I'm not. That's what's bugging me.
I'm trying to eye-bang their husbands,
but I can't seem to make eye contact with any of them.
Too busy staring at my tig ol' bitties, you know?
Back's kind of starting to cramp up, too. I got to be honest,
I'm not seeing a whole lot of upside to this arrangement.
Just give me the boobs.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
That's the spirit.
There we go. You're good.
Hi. I'm so sorry,
I know you said it's a really long wait,
but are you sure there isn't a table?
I'm sorry, you'll...
(CLEARS THROAT) You know what?
Follow me.
Great.
How's that for an upside, huh?
(CACKLES)
Sor-Sorry about that.
Yeah. Yup.
Once they're in the cocoon, it's like a primordial soup, you know?
Because their mouth becomes the butt, the butt becomes the mouth,
it's a mess. It's very un...
You've got to be kidding me.
What? What's wrong?
Some guys got no respect, you know?
They come in here dressed like that, it really bugs me.
But you don't even know them.
I don't have to know 'em, Ben. I hate 'em on principle.
Why?
Because they're different than us.
What if they're nice?
Well, if they were nice,
they wouldn't have come into your house and crapped in your cereal.
You know, this is a good opportunity to teach you a lesson.
You hungry? You like nachos?
Yeah.
Yeah, good. Me, too.
Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to pour your soda on this clown's head.
But he didn't do anything.
Oh, Ben. Don't be so naive.
Go ahead, it's fine.
Hey, buddy, look at me, look at me.
I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you.
Okay? I promise.
Now make it rain.
Hey!
What's your problem, kid?
What's your problem, pal? You want to pick on somebody
-your own size? -FAN: Oh!
(HOOTING, JEERING)
Hey. What's going on here?
These guys are upset 'cause their team's getting spanked
and now he's a little sticky.
This guy's full of crap.
Hey, all right. It's time to go, gentlemen.
-Oh! -What?
See you later.
-Let's go. -Yeah, enjoy your train
-back to nowhere. -Come on, man.
-Let's go. -Choo, choo!
In the back, boys.
Enjoy your cheese with your whine.
-(WHOOPING) -(YELLS INDISTINCTLY)
Yeah!
That is what I am talking about.
And that, my friend...
is the nacho special.
There you go. Don't eat the peanut shells.
Hey, why'd they get kicked out?
The opposing fan always gets kicked out.
That's the rule. Otherwise people would just be
hammering 'em the whole game.
Now that the cancer is gone, we can enjoy ourselves.
They had cancer?
No.
No, no, I hope not.
Geez.
If that were the case, I'd feel really terrible.
Peanuts.
This is more like it.
Hello, I'm Brian. I'll be your in-suite concierge today.
Will anyone else be joining us?
Not today, Brian. Just me.
Wonderful. Well, make yourself at home.
We've got food over here, everything from hot dogs to sushi.
Fridge is fully stocked. TVs can be tuned to any channel you'd like.
And, of course, view's not too bad.
-Can I start you with something to drink? -I could do a water.
-Still or sparkling? -Let's go with bubbles.
Coming right up.
(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER P.A.)
Ah.
Row QQ. (SNORTS)
Ladies, here's the check, whenever you're ready.
Mmm.
And this is from the gentleman at the bar.
Oh, how nice.
That means nothing. It happens to me all the time.
Really? When was the last time it happened to you?
Literally every single day of my life.
Now let's roll. I want to be down at the docks
when the fishing boats come in.
See what those guys think of your new look.
Uh, ugh. Okay, here we go.
-What's this? -That's the check. That's for you.
What do you mean? I left my credit card for the boob deposit.
-Well, I don't have any money. -How do you not have any money?
I don't know, Sabrina, I guess the Dow had a bad day.
You literally said, "Let me take you to brunch."
I did. I brought you here.
I didn't realize I was gonna have to pay for it also.
I'm not the one who had 11 Bellinis!
I didn't realize they were gonna be so teeny-tiny and delicious.
Well, what the hell are we gonna do?
Just relax, okay? We'll just sneak out of here
without paying. I do it all the time.
You do it all the time?
Here's how it's gonna go down. You're gonna go to the bathroom.
I'm gonna count to ten Mississippi.
And then I'm just gonna slip out of here, unnoticed,
like a fart in a Jacuzzi. You got me?
-Good luck with that. -Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Give me the boobs.
What? Why?
Because I feel more confident with them, all right?
-Shut up and give 'em to me. -Told you.
Shut up.
You love 'em.
(WHISPERING) God, I hate you so much...
Let's go, ladies, you and me.
Um, excuse me, miss.
Oh, yeah. Um, here's the thing...
(PEOPLE GROANING)
Did you see that? 'Cause you must be wondering...
-Hey, hey, hey, hey! -(SCREAMS)
-(GROANS) -You all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mickey?
Huh? Oh. (PANTING)
-What the hell happened to you? -Nothing. It was perfect.
Where's the boob?
-What? -The boob.
-You're missing a boob. -Oh.
Oh...
That's not good.
...crazy. She must have been on, like, PCP or, like, bath salts
or, you know, one of those, like, superhuman drugs.
And she had these huge, crazy, fake boobs.
-What the hell did you do in there? -Tough to say.
It all happened pretty fast.
I can tell you it was loud.
Well, go in there, turn yourself in and get our boob back.
(CHUCKLES) No.
Are you serious?
You will spend one night in jail. That boob costs five grand.
-Do the math. -Yeah. That plan sucks.
-I'm calling Alba. -What? Why?
Because she's reliable and she's down for anything. Watch this.
-(LINE RINGS) -ALBA: What do you need?
Alba. I need your help getting a breast implant from a crime scene.
Drop a pin. I'm on my way.
Boom.
I got to tell you, Brian.
I was pretty skeptical coming in,
but now I am totally sold on the whole live sports experience.
Thanks for spending it with us, Chip. It was a pleasure serving you.
You're welcome.
-Can I help you with a ride home? -You guys do that?
I'll call a car service.
I frickin' love sports.
All right, huh?
Thank you for your service.
Never check you on the way out.
-(WHOOPS) -(PHONE BUZZES)
Whoa.
Ah. Chip got a ride home.
There's hope for him yet.
What's up, guy? Remember us?
Oh, right. Hey, fellas. You missed a good one.
In case you couldn't tell by the cheers,
Tom Brady jammed his size 12 Australian slipper boot
right up your cheesy cornholes.
You got a big mouth. You're lucky you're with your son
or we'd roll on your ass right here.
Yeah. Hey, Ben.
Don't worry about this, all right? I got it.
Pay attention.
He's not my son.
(GRUNTING)
Ben, this is all part of it.
It's all right, Ben. I'm in control. (GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING AND GROANING)
Why aren't we moving?
Sorry, sir. There's people fighting in the road.
Animals.
(HORN HONKING)
(GRUNTING)
(MICKEY SIGHS)
(ALBA LAUGHING)
You're a good man, Johnny.
You go back to school for you.
(WHOOPS)
Hey!
Alba. Are you drunk?
No.
I'm doing mushrooms.
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING AND WHEEZING)
Uh, all right. Alba.
(LAUGHING)
-(SNORTS) -Hey, Alba.
-And you're drunk. -What? N... Oh...
That's right. I forgot. Girls' day!
-This is reliable? -I wasn't planning on this.
Alba, where did you get mushrooms?
Shh. Let's not get off track. Catch me up to speed.
We were having brunch in that restaurant. And we were doing a boob thing.
Did I hear you say brunch? You're having brunch without me?
-No, but it wasn't like that. -No? What's it like, then?
-We were doing a social experiment... -You guys, pull it together, okay?
Alba, are you gonna help us or not?
Fine.
But we are gonna double back to this brunch business later.
-Understood. -Where is it?
Unclear. It kind of pinballed all over the place in there.
Why don't you just head on in and I'll walk you through it, okay?
One boobie coming up, okay?
Awe...some.
Oh, yeah!
It's okay, it's finished. (LAUGHS)
Alba's really going for it lately, huh?
Oh, yeah. She's nuts.
I was encouraging it for a while, but she's steering the ship now.
(PHONE RINGS)
-Hello. -MICKEY: Okay, let's do this.
Yeah. Who is this?
It's Mickey.
(LAUGHING) Mickey.
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where am I going?
Okay. First you're gonna have to get past that host.
Hi. Can I help you?
I doubt it.
Okay, I'm in.
Wow. That was awesome. Okay, turn right.
Start heading towards the bar. We were at a little table in the middle.
Oh. That must have been so nice for you.
Have some drinks, a little of...
Alba. Focus, okay? Do you see the black guy with the red hat?
Black guy with red hair?
(LAUGHING) Oh, no. I never seen anything like that ever.
Not black guy with red hair, black guy with red hat.
Oh. Black guy, red hat.
(ALBA LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING AND WHEEZING)
Yeah. I see him. I see him.
Okay, but keep your voice down. Can he hear you?
Yeah. He's looking right at me.
What do you want me to say to him?
I don't want you to say anything to him.
Just shut up and listen to the instructions, okay?
I-I'm gonna kill her.
Oh, oh.
I got eyes on it.
Where? You do?
Uh-oh, uh-oh.
Boobie on the move. Coming right your way.
Wh-Where? I don't see it.
Uh, white baby, blonde hair.
You don't have to say "white baby," just say "baby."
I see him. I got it. Okay.
God.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Ma'am. Hi there. Uh, I think your baby
stole something of mine off the restaurant floor.
SABRINA: Yeah.
Oh, gosh. I'm so sorry. He's such a little thief.
-(LAUGHING) -That's okay. He's so adorable.
-Isn't he, though? -Yeah. He's so cute.
-Oh, I hope you don't mind a little drool. -Not at all.
What is this, anyway?
Oh, nice. You found your breast implant. Good for you.
Oh, gross!
-No. No, no! -Wait!
-No! -No! Oh, come on.
BEN: Why are you crying?
(SIGHS)
'Cause men cry, too, Ben.
Men cry, too.
Thanks for driving, by the way.
You're welcome.
You're a real natural, huh?
Don't be afraid to use that horn.
(HORN HONKS)
(LAUGHS) Yeah. Let 'em know you're coming.
Oh, come on. Make the light, make the light.
(ENGINE REVS, CAR HORNS HONK)
What happened to it?
Well, I don't know. You tell me, Doc.
The damn thing just exploded.
Yeah. We're lucky that grenade wasn't inside me.
-I mean... -Yeah.
-It could have been really bad. -Oh.
Obviously, we'll have to charge you for this.
Look, I'm gonna pass on the surgery. Just take it out of that.
You are?
Yeah. I don't want the memory of today physically attached to my body.
I'll hold off for now.
Okay.
So my plan worked.
No. It did not.
Well, obviously it did. You heard her, Goodby.
She's not getting the surgery. You can give us the rest of the cash.
This is a doctor's office. We don't do refunds.
Mmm.
I don't know. Did you get a haircut?
No, no. Look harder.
Color contacts?
No, come on. Guys.
I got my knees done.
That's a thing?
Yeah. I guess it's a super common procedure.
Ay. What was wrong with your old knees?
Those knees were trash, these ones are awesome.
-I can't even tell the difference. -Mmm.
Well, that's a testament to Dr. Goodby, isn't it?
Woman is amazing.
Hey. Whoa. How was the game?
-I fell down the stairs. -Fun.
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I can see that.
Yeah. I botched the first one and then just kind of...
-Oh, yeah. -...rode it out.
Sure. You have to at that point.
Wow.
You look great.
Did you do something to your knees?
ALBA: I'm doing mushrooms.