- You all know I'm not big on speeches.
All right, who am I trying to kid?
I love speeches.
Love 'em.
Everybody in this room has given
their heart and their soul to this project.
You have worked overtime.
You have worked weekends.
You have worked holidays.
Mark missed the birth of his firstborn.
Saul missed the birth of his second born.
Mary missed the births of her third,
her fourth, and her fifth born,
and it is all in the idea of sacrificing
to achieve something greater than ourselves.
So whether or not this wacky thing actually works,
we all oughta be damn proud
of the work that we have done here.
Here we go.
Everybody raise your glasses.
all: Five, four, three,
two, one.
- Stop the test! It's been called off!
- What the fuck are you saying?
- The entire product has been terminated.
We're all being let go without severance.
- On whose orders?
- Christian DeVille's.
- Christian DeVi--
I--I can't turn it on?
Not even once?
This is bullshit!
I gave my life to this project!
My life!
- Rain jackets, lawnmowers, piña colada mix.
If you can name it, Hampton DeVille makes it.
And now, you can add hurricane machine to that list.
Our guest today is dashing investigative journalist
Bonan Marrow,
whose reporting led to the public outcry
that caused the hurricane machine
to be shut down.
Now, Bonan,
why would Christian DeVille build a hurricane machine?
- Well, inside sources say he was planning to sell this
as a superweapon to the U.S. military.
- Well, I know a lot of people are calling
for Christian DeVille to step down.
This is just one in a long line
of questionable decisions he's made.
I think we all remember the Obelisk.
Why do you need an iPad that big?
- Well, you're the one who dated Christian.
Maybe you can tell us.
Is this man compensating for something?
audience: Ooh!
- Bonan, I will never tell.
- Except in my tell-all book,
which you can preorder now.
- There's something I need to discuss with you,
but you have to swear on the Bible
that this stays between us.
- Okay, I swear.
- Both hands.
- John, what is it?
- I always believed
that Christian had some master plan,
even if to us, it might seem strange
or confusing
or illegal,
but lately,
I've started to have doubts.
To be self-critical,
I may be blindly following an absolute madman.
- I'm glad to hear you say this.
The board of directors
is holding an emergency meeting tomorrow.
Christian is vulnerable,
and you and I both know someone
who would make a much better CEO.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I'm much happier as a supplicant.
My podiatrist and I came to that conclusion years ago.
- I meant me.
I am going to make a play against Christian,
and I need your support.
- Whoa, Kate.
You're a full-blown Judas?
- I can't believe I ever wanted to be like Christian.
Too much stress, and for what?
Billions of dollars
and the power to destroy the world?
Who has the energy?
- It's funny, the fact that our company is evil
doesn't bother me the way that it used to.
I'm powerless,
and quite frankly,
I find that to be empowering.
- We're honestly lucky to be where we're at.
Nobody can blame us for anything,
plus we get free bagels.
- Oh, right. It's Bagel Tuesday.
- Where the fuck are the fucking bagels?
- This company is evil.
Is everyone excited for Bagel Tuesday?
- Yes!
- Let's see, I have plain bagels,
egg, onion, everything, poppy, jalapeño cheddar,
and even a few cinnamon raisin for the freaks.
- Yes.
- And we all know what goes perfectly
with delicious bagels:
freshly roasted coffee.
And don't forget the fresh-squeezed OJ.
- Oh.
Oh.
- All right.
Eat up!
I'm sorry.
I thought everyone was excited for Bagel Tuesday.
Are you not all grateful
for the feast I have provided you?
Hmm.
Well, you know, apparently,
a lot of people don't appreciate
what I do for this company.
Some people even think
I should step down as CEO.
Well, let me explain something to you.
There is no Hampton DeVille
without Christian DeVille.
I put the roof over your heads,
I put the clothes on your backs,
and I feed you scraps of bread like ducks in a pond!
Quack, quack!
- Quack, quack, amen.
- Now, I demand complete and total loyalty
from my employees,
so if there are any doubters amongst you,
speak now or forever hold your--
- No!
Oh, my fucking foot and butt!
- Oh, my God, are you okay?
- No, I'm not okay, you fucking morons!
- Somebody call the 5-0!
- John.
John.
John!
- Kate!
You were right.
Christian isn't a god.
He's the devil.
It's right there in the name!
Christian DeVille!
Like Cruella De Vil.
Wow.
Looking back, she was a pretty bad egg herself.
- Does this mean you'll help me?
- Yes.
But we're gonna do it my way,
which is whatever way you think is best.
I make the rules,
and the first rule is whatever you say goes.
There's something we need to discuss with you,
but you have to swear on the Bible
that this stays between us.
This has the New Testament for Matt
and the prequel for Jake.
- John, forget the goddamn Bible.
- Yes, sir.
- We are making a play against Christian,
and if you side with us,
you will have more money and power
than you ever dreamed of.
- Congrats, sluts.
Your days of doing grunt work are finally over.
- From this moment forward,
you are no longer junior executives in training.
- You're now senior executives.
- In theory.
All you have to do is walk out that door.
- Actually, we decided we like where we're at.
- You guys just seem really stressed out
all the time.
- With very little power comes very little responsibility.
- We're Buddhists now.
- Well, sucks to be you then!
You're gonna have more money and power
whether you like it or not!
- And a bigger office.
- We like this office.
- How do you like it now? - Hey.
- Huh? - Ow!
- How 'bout now? - Whoa, what?
- Huh?
- How 'bout now?
- We are taking Christian down!
- And so are you!
Want more, you sluts! Want more!
- Ouchy! Ouch!
- Welcome to the inner circle.
You're all here because we trust you.
- Or because you were standing nearby
when we were trying to recruit somebody else
and it would've been awkward not to invite you.
Kevin.
- Christian is a psychopathic dictator
who has run this company into the ground.
I think we can all agree
I will be a more democratic leader.
So without further discussion, let's move on.
- Our job today is to build a case against Christian
that Kate and I can present to the board tomorrow.
So we need to make a list of everything he's done wrong.
- We only have one whiteboard?
- Good point.
Matt, Jake, fetch us some more whiteboards.
- I thought we weren't doing any more grunt work.
- Save your crying for bath time
like the rest of us.
- The surgery was a success.
Your foot and butt will make a full recovery.
However, I'd like to keep you overnight
just for observation.
- Is that really necessary?
- Don't worry. You won't be bothered.
When we learned you were coming,
we moved all the other patients on this floor
to the wet basement.
If you want the whole building to yourself,
we can have them thrown out to the streets.
- Hmm. No, they can stay.
- Anyways, it'll just be you and Nurse Richard here.
- I'll take it from here, Doc.
Mm.
- You don't remember me?
- I'm afraid I don't.
I used to work at Hampton DeVille.
Wrote a funny tweet about a hurricane,
then you fired me.
- If you say so. Now, if you don't--
- You know, my life took a real dark turn after that.
Started drinking, gambling.
I got into dogfighting.
Those hounds tore my ass up good.
Funny thing is, I blamed you for all of it.
I vowed if I ever saw you again,
I would do terrible, terrible things to you.
Mm.
But then I found God.
Stitched my ass up, enrolled in nursing school,
dedicated my life to helping other people.
Now here I am.
All 'cause of you.
So...
thank you.
- Glad I was able to help.
- You know, when I saw you
admitted into the hospital today,
I immediately knew
that it was all part of God's master plan
so that I can do some good
and make you pay
for all the evil that you've done to the world.
- Oh, wait, no, no! What are you doing?
Ooh! That's--that's just--
- Okay. What else?
- Christian's responsible for turning 9/11
into a commercial holiday.
- How could we forget Remember Day?
What else?
- I hit a fisherman with my truck
a few nights back.
We could pin that on Christian if you want.
- Toss it on the board. - Wonderful!
Okay. What else?
Well, I guess there's the hurricane machine.
- Says a lot that it took us this long to even get to it.
- To be fair, Kate, you were pretty involved
in those hurricane machine meetings.
I don't know if you can pin that entirely on Christian.
- Hold your tongue! - No.
John, he's right.
If Christian is going down,
he's gonna wanna take us down with him.
We should see what there is in writing.
- Okay, so the first email about the hurricane machine
was sent by...
Kate.
- "Let's get the ball rolling
on this fantastic hurricane machine idea."
- And then I responded with,
"Count me in."
Okay, but Christian's gotta be on here somewhere, right?
Let's see.
Uh, here's Jake.
- "I'm in as long as we test it on New Jersey first."
- To which Kevin replied...
- "LOL."
- Christian's not even on this thread.
- That delegating motherfucker.
If Christian goes down, we all go down.
- I'm not going back to the clink.
- No one's going to the clink, you idiot!
- If I go back to the clink, I'm taking you with me, Katie.
And you, too, Johnny Boy!
- Kevin, don't you dare threaten
to put me in the clink, you fucking murderer!
- Everyone stop calling it the clink!
- That's what they call it in the slammer.
- Guys, can we please stop arguing
and just order some food?
We're all just on edge
because Christian ruined breakfast.
- Okay, let's just cross hurricane machine off the list
and order some food.
What does everybody want?
- Well, I don't want any fish.
- Well, great, Kev. That narrows it down.
- Look who got a visit from the dinner fairy.
- Man, what the fuck is going on?
Help! Help!
- Help! Help!
Hel--
right, I'm the only nurse on duty.
I don't know about you,
but I'm feeling a little naughty.
What do you say we start with dessert?
That's good.
- Oh, I get it.
You see me as some...
- Evil billionaire
who's ruining the world with my evil corporation.
Well, grow the fuck up.
That hurricane machine everyone's so mad about
employed thousands of hard-working people
until that bonehead Bonan Marrow had to butt in
and get them all fired.
He's evil! I'm the good guy!
Will you stop making airplane sounds?
- Uh-oh!
This plane is off course!
It's gonna make a crash landing!
- Oat Zone.
Another for Barley Barn.
And...
Pesto Palace?
- God damn it!
It's another tie!
Okay, who keeps throwing away their vote on Pesto Palace?
It's a third-party candidate and you know it!
- I vote on principle!
- Why don't we just order a bunch of pizzas?
- What are we, a softball team?
- Okay, you know what?
I'm in charge!
And we're going to Oat Zone!
- What happened to being a democratic leader?
- Shut up and tell me what kind of oats you want!
Rolled or steel cut?
- Well, Oat Zone's closed.
- Fuck!
- Well, I'm thrilled,
because I voted for Barley Barn.
- That's closed too. - God! Jesus Christ!
Like no one ever wanted barley after 2:00 a.m.?
They're leaving money on the farm-to-table!
- Matt, Jake, go out and get us some food!
- I thought you said we didn't have to do grunt work anymore.
- You go do the goddamn food, you son of a bitch!
- Go and get us the fucking food!
- Go! - Get up and get us food!
- What I'm remembering now is that being powerless sucks.
- Yeah. I definitely want money.
And power.
I don't know what Buddhists are talking about.
- Maybe you can only be a Buddhist
if you already have money and power?
- Yeah, like how celebrities only care about the environment
once they're bored of having sex with each other.
Wait, Matt.
We do have power.
If we go to Christian right now,
we could tell him what Kate and John are up to
and sabotage the coup.
I bet he'd promote us as a reward.
- That's genius.
We'll get everything we want, then become Buddhists.
- Then have a ton of sex,
then start caring about the environment.
- Then...
- No, Matt, that's it.
- Oh.
Don't you ever just wish there was more?
- And then I wrote,
"Sell consumer data to the Chinese government
"to disrupt the next presidential election?
I'm down to clown."
To which Kevin replied...
- "LOL."
Looks like we're complicit in this one too.
- Oh, great.
At least we're saving energy.
There's one thing Hampton DeVille's doing
that's not evil.
- I'm gonna say something controversial.
I don't think Hampton DeVille is evil.
I mean, what even is Hampton DeVille?
- A corporation.
- Right, but what is a corporation?
- A building?
- Money.
- A group of people... Maroon 5...
- Maroon 5. - Maroon 5!
That's what I'm talking about.
What the fuck
is Maroon 5?
It's an imaginary concept
made up by a sociopath,
just like Hampton DeVille.
It's a triangle we ascribe meaning to.
But we're the ones who drive to the office in the morning
to have meetings about hurricane machines.
Maybe we're the ones to blame.
- We did all this evil shit for a fucking triangle!
- Okay.
You know, it has been fun catching up,
but I think it's time we wrap this puppy up.
You know, I'd tell you that this is gonna be painless,
but I graduated at the bottom of my class in nursing school,
so I'm just gonna guess where your artery is.
- Christian, there's something we need--
Richard?
- Oh, my God. Hey, man.
- Uh, hey, guys!
- You're a doctor now?
- Nurse, but yeah.
- I fucking love nurses.
Best people on Earth.
- Give us a hug, my dude!
- Come on! - It's great to see you, man.
- Yeah, you guys. - Yeah.
- God, what's up, man? I love pink on you.
- You know, you boys are just in time.
I was about to leave.
- Now, now, remember your doctor--
- Oh, no, no, no! I feel right as rain!
Just untie these straps and let's go.
- All right. You heard the man.
- Wow, they really want you to stay in your bed here.
Like a prisoner or something.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so Kate and John are back at the office right now
trying to stab you in the back.
- But they didn't count on us
stabbing them in their backs first.
Or wait, no. Maybe we did it second.
- Regardless, it's self-defense,
so legally, we think we're in the clear.
Seems like everyone has turned against me.
Somewhere along the way,
I forgot what Hampton DeVille really is.
It's people.
Good people, like the two of you.
I'm afraid I don't even remember your names.
- I'm Matt--
- I need to start listening to people.
Is there anything I can do to win everyone back?
- So it's decided.
We're all gonna quit and stop working for a corporation.
- And just pray that God forgives us.
- Guess we have to move to the woods.
Live off the land.
- We could gather lumber and sell it for money.
- We should incorporate.
Avoid taxes.
- That's a great idea.
Wait, no!
- Even if we quit, we can't escape!
- If only God would give us a sign.
- Christian's alive?
- You thought he was dead?
- No, I guess I just got caught up in the moment.
- I know everything you've been doing.
- Christian, we're sorry.
It was all Kate!
- John! - No.
No, it's okay.
Yesterday,
I said there's no Hampton DeVille
without me.
But I was wrong.
There's no Hampton DeVille
without you.
I only hope
that you can find it in your hearts
to accept my humble offering
and forgive me.
- Dibs on jalapeño cheddar!
- Wait!
I want the jalapeño cheddar.
- I'll maim you!
I'll maim you all!
- Oh, not lox!
- There are two important matters left to discuss.
First,
I wouldn't be here
without two very courageous people...
- Jake and Matt.
- Jake
and, of course,
Bradley,
and I think it's time for a long overdue promotion.
From this moment forward,
you are no longer unpaid interns.
You are now...
junior executives in training.
- Hear, hear.
Bravo!
- Well, at least he sort of knows one of our names now.
- Things are looking up.
- And lastly,
I think we need to have a very serious conversation
about what happened before
when I...
broke wind.
Wasn't that funny?
- And yet none of you laughed!
- We were scared!
- John said, "No!"
- I did! I did!
- Open the door!
You're gonna kill us all!
- Sometimes, life can be so painful,
you just have to laugh!
Gee, honey, we'd have fun!