1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,520 This programme contains very strong language and adult humour. 2 00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:09,360 It seems to me you'd be mad to walk away from everything 3 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,280 you and Suzanne have built together. 4 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:14,360 You're right, our relationship deserves another try. 5 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,240 I'm so happy you took my taxi. You're a wise man. 6 00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:19,280 No, you're the one walking this path, 7 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,360 I just maybe held back some of the brambles. 8 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,720 After you drop me at the airport, 9 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,880 you need to give that wife of yours a call. 10 00:00:25,920 --> 00:00:28,560 I will, and I'll tell her I definitely want 11 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:30,520 to leave her for my goddaughter Suzanne. 12 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:31,560 Thank you! 13 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:46,720 Stephen, mate. 14 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,400 Hello. Sausage rolls for the wake. 15 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,800 Thoughts and prayers, fellow. 16 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,640 I've allowed three per person. 17 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:55,680 Seems about right. They're 80g each. 18 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:58,760 Stay strong enough to allow yourself to be weak, yeah. 19 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,200 I will try, somehow, to do that. 20 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:03,080 Your old man was great. 21 00:01:03,120 --> 00:01:04,600 A living legend. 22 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:06,240 I mean, he's not any more, but... 23 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:08,880 Tough act to follow, right? 24 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:14,120 Thanks. 25 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:21,160 He fucking hated you, you tedious shitbag. 26 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,000 He used to spit in your ham roll. 27 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,440 Will you have a panini, Geoff? I will, Mike. 28 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:39,200 Chorizo and brie. Ah! 29 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,160 You doing the music for Laurie's wake tomorrow? 30 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,720 Yeah, got a super '70s playlist lined up. 31 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:46,000 Feel like I need to give him a big brother send-off. 32 00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:47,320 Do you still watch Big Brother? 33 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:49,400 No, I meant because Laurie was my big brother. 34 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,240 We haven't watched it since Nadia was in it. 35 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,400 I never had you down as watching Big Brother, Geoff. 36 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,880 Yeah, I don't watch it, Jan. Oh. 37 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:57,480 Hi, checking in. 38 00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:58,640 En route to Mum's. 39 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,680 Oh, good day, Stephen. Fancy a panini? 40 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,720 No, thank you. Jan and I are loving the panini maker. 41 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:05,240 Highlight of the refurb. 42 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:07,160 It's a good refurb, isn't it? 43 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:08,720 All the pine. 44 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,080 It was expensive. 45 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,600 Really expensive. Very costly indeed, wasn't it? 46 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,760 But I like to think I got it right. 47 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,760 People could really grow to like it. 48 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,480 Yes! It's really, really thorough. 49 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,960 Whenever I'd show Dad the photos towards the end, 50 00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,440 he'd just hit his morphine button and smile, so... 51 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:32,120 Aw! Don't feel like you have to keep it all bottled up just cos of us. 52 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,240 I don't. You been to see Laurie yet, lying at rest, 53 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,760 talked to him one last time? 54 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,320 Not technically, or actually. 55 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,720 I'm not sure that I... You've only got till half six. 56 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,000 Go see him. Tell him you love him. 57 00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,400 You weren't there when he passed. 58 00:02:45,440 --> 00:02:47,800 I was stuck in a queue at the cash-and-carry. 59 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,440 The tills went literally mental. 60 00:02:49,480 --> 00:02:51,480 You should go to the funeral place. 61 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:52,560 Closure's important. 62 00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,160 For me, the fact that he's dead 63 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:57,000 already has quite a large element of closure about it. 64 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,040 Aw... 65 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,840 HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE 66 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:05,280 I'm really sorry. 67 00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:11,080 I'm so sorry. I don't even know what language you're speaking. 68 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,600 He's speaking Basque, 69 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:15,240 the beautiful language of the Basque country. 70 00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:16,560 May I? 71 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,600 I wouldn't say I was fluent, but... 72 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:31,720 Thank you. 73 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,240 I got the sausage rolls for the wake! 74 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,480 I went to for the one up from economy. 75 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,520 13% pork. 76 00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,360 So genetically closer to a cucumber. 77 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:48,920 I'm in Dad's office, love. 78 00:03:48,960 --> 00:03:51,520 AUTOMATED VOICE: End of messages. 79 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,720 I've been listening to your dad's last message from the hospital. 80 00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:57,680 You know, I don't think I've got his voice recorded anywhere. 81 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,560 You have one saved message. 82 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,720 ON RECORDING: I just rang to say I love you, Ellen. 83 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,120 That's all there is, really, isn't it? 84 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:11,120 Love, family, when you actually... 85 00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:13,360 Oh, shit, I've dropped my yoghurt. 86 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,520 Oh, fuck it all to hell! 87 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:16,680 End of messages. 88 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:17,800 Laurie to a T. 89 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,280 Loving his family. 90 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,840 Dropping is yoghurt. 91 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,760 Do you want? I'm fine, thanks. 92 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,200 It's only grass, love. 93 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:25,240 Yeah, don't worry. 94 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:27,720 I just had a massive toke on my brown inhaler. 95 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:33,960 Mum, erm, I've got a vision for the future of the business. 96 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,320 Have you? I think Dad liked what I did with the refurb. 97 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,360 So I'm stepping up. 98 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,200 There's no-one else to fill Dad's shoes. 99 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,400 Cass isn't interested. 100 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,320 No, she's like me, creative. 101 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:46,760 So, Mum, my vision is... 102 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,040 I would actually say that I'm quite creative, too. 103 00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,200 Of course you are, sweetheart. 104 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,800 My vision is static caravans in the field behind the pub. 105 00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:59,960 For holidays. Four caravans, five, maybe even six, who knows? 106 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,800 But most likely four. 107 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,720 We could really start moving forward. 108 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,000 I mean, they're static, but you get my point. 109 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,320 Let's bury your dad first. 110 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,040 That's the priority. 111 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:11,200 Copy that. 112 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:14,200 FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sir, sir? 113 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,640 Ladies and gentlemen, if there's 114 00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,920 a doctor on board or anyone trained in CPR, 115 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,120 please do make yourself known to the cabin crew. 116 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:25,920 Hi, it's me. Can I help? 117 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:32,120 DOORBELL RINGS 118 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,680 Stephen, go and see Dad's body 119 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:38,880 and tell him you love him before it's too late. 120 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,080 It's really important. 121 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,480 This is Geoff's doing, isn't it? 122 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,000 No. Shit! 123 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:44,160 Geoff! 124 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,160 It's not just me. Cassie's concerned, as well. 125 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:50,360 And your mum, and Mike and Jan, and the guy on the phone-in... 126 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:51,920 You rang a phone-in about me? 127 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,200 Love a phone-in. 128 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:56,280 Don't know what I'd do without phone-ins, or PornHub. 129 00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:57,720 Have you seen Dad's body? 130 00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,040 Yes! I mean, no, 131 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,560 but I was with him in the hospice until he was nearly dead. 132 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,200 If he hadn't been talking and eating a sweet, he'd have been dead. 133 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,120 I've been four times to the funeral parlour. It's a comfort. 134 00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,000 It's weird. 135 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:10,840 Shit! Mum's out. 136 00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,080 Have you got your keys? 137 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,440 No. Maybe. I don't know. 138 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,080 Who always knows where their keys are? 139 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,120 Everyone who has a door. 140 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:18,160 Come on. 141 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,160 They've tried to make it look like he's just asleep in the coffin, 142 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,680 but it hasn't really worked. 143 00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,120 Well, Dad slept naked and on his front so, in a way, I'm glad. 144 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,240 Mum's gone for a wicker coffin. 145 00:06:30,280 --> 00:06:33,400 Reminds me of the baskets we used to use for food in the pub. 146 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:34,760 Here we go, folks. 147 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,080 Dad's like a giant scampi. 148 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,280 Fresh from the shining sea. 149 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,960 Frozen from Shitty-bijan, more like. 150 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,520 Don't do your homework in the pub, Stephen. 151 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:45,560 Do it at home. 152 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,040 It's hard to concentrate 153 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,400 with all the foster kids and everything. 154 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,680 CHILDREN PLAY WHILE LOUD MUSIC PLAYS 155 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:54,320 Be quiet! Sit down! Food's ready! 156 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:55,560 Go fuck yourself. 157 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,080 "Go fuck yourself" isn't on the menu, Jeanette, 158 00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,520 prawn curry is. 159 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,520 Little weirdo. Little shit goblin! 160 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,600 I guess I'm just scared of seeing his... 161 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,080 His? Cadaver. 162 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,480 And fear is good. 163 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,600 My ancestors ran away from tigers, 164 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,800 all the fearless fuckers got eaten. 165 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,440 Don't leave things unsaid, son. 166 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,840 When's the last time you told your dad you loved him? 167 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,120 I don't think I ever did. 168 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,960 Stephen! It never came up. 169 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,680 And then there's this whole unresolved argument you had 170 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,760 with him about Fred Perry versus Andy Murray. 171 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,120 We did resolve that, we agreed to differ. 172 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,800 Was Dad still going on about that on his deathbed? 173 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,960 I bet. 174 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,320 Look, we'll leave you to ponder. 175 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,760 You've got till half six, 176 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,280 then the funeral place shuts. 177 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,320 Do you have any quite strong lager? 178 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,360 Sure. 179 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:53,880 Hi. 180 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:54,960 Hi. 181 00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,040 Would you mind keeping an eye on my dog? 182 00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,040 Not a problem. Thanks so much. 183 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,840 Your mum's sexy. 184 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,680 I mean your owner. 185 00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,320 I haven't met your birth mother. 186 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:11,840 I'm sure she's lovely. 187 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,480 I only wish I could've done more. 188 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:22,800 You did all you could. 189 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,360 No-one else came forward. 190 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,000 You're a good man. Thank you. 191 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,360 I just want to try to make a difference. 192 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,840 Another can of quite strong lager? 193 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:44,960 No, thanks. 194 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,000 I need to be somewhere and say something to someone. 195 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,640 Do you think she's all right? Who's all right? 196 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,600 The lady who owns this dog, she asked me to look after it. 197 00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,200 The sexy woman who was sitting over there. 198 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,640 No, didn't notice her. 199 00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,720 Well, maybe check the toilet. I presume she went to the toilet. 200 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,040 There's no-one in the toilet. 201 00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,000 We've got one toilet, I was just in there. 202 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,680 There wasn't a sexy woman with me. 203 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,960 Well, I need to go, so I'll leave the dog here 204 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,840 and I'm guessing she'll come back for it. 205 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,480 You can't leave your dog here. 206 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:16,920 As I say, it's not my dog. 207 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,320 As far as I'm concerned, it's your dog. 208 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,560 Not my dog, is it? 209 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,520 DRIPPING 210 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,120 Is that piss coming out of its basket? 211 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:26,960 DOG WHINES 212 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,280 That would be my guess. 213 00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,240 Hi, sorry. Can I see my dad? 214 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,320 I've just closed up, Stephen, so... 215 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:36,920 But, could I just quickly...? 216 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,240 You can't take your cat in. 217 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:39,920 It's not my cat, it's my dog. 218 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,040 And it's not MY dog. 219 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,240 OK, I'll just miss the start. 220 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,560 Of... Oh, nothing. 221 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,200 Just going to the theatre with Jill. 222 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,200 We don't get out as much as we'd like to, what with the wheelchair. 223 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,440 I'll text her. 224 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,480 We can download something. 225 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:57,400 Erm... Now, let me remember the alarm code. 226 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:58,800 Going blank. 227 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,960 Don't want guess and end up with five squad cars here. 228 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,840 That's happened. Actually, it's fine. 229 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,160 By the time we get in, 230 00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,480 you'll be even later and I'll be aware of that while 231 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,320 looking at the corpse. 232 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,000 Clock ticking, as it were. 233 00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,360 So, you go. 234 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,240 Thanks and sorry. 235 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,280 But thanks again. 236 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,840 Look, Dad, I didn't get to, 237 00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,080 you know, say that I... 238 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,560 OK, first of all, I need to clarify 239 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,960 the Fred Perry versus Andy Murray thing. 240 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,480 I was talking primarily about temperament. 241 00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:43,840 Perry for all his... 242 00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:44,880 BANG FROM STREET 243 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,320 All right, mate? 244 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,360 All right? 245 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,640 DRIPPING 246 00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,400 Dog piss. 247 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,240 DOG WHIMPERS 248 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,880 CHURCH BELLS TOLL 249 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,680 So, Dad, we never... 250 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,720 We both knew, didn't we, that some things that... 251 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,160 Anyway, there's something I... I need to say... 252 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,480 ..that I was never able to... 253 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,720 ANDREW SIGHS 254 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,640 I can't believe Dad is gone. 255 00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,200 I mean...Dad. 256 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,760 Best dad. 257 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,560 Gone. 258 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,960 Yes, "Dad". 259 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:51,960 My dad has gone. 260 00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,080 Look, I was just... 261 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,720 Go ahead, don't mind me. 262 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,680 I was just remembering the wonderful times... 263 00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:58,960 ..with Dad. 264 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,080 Dear, sweet Dad. 265 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,240 Sorry, do I know you? 266 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,800 Andrew Donnelly, I'm your brother. 267 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,000 No, you're not. 268 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,080 1987, March 15th to August 6th. 269 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,640 I was your foster brother. 270 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,160 Oh! Oh, right. 271 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,480 You're one of those. 272 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:15,840 Yes, of course. 273 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,120 I'm Stephen. I know. 274 00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,160 Of course. 275 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,440 You carry on with what you were saying. 276 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,520 No, I... 277 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:28,720 It's fine. 278 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,200 Bye, Dad. 279 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,400 You meant everything to me, and I'll love and miss you forever. 280 00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,200 I popped into the John Barleycorn on the way here. 281 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:57,640 First time in 30 years. 282 00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,640 Wow. And the big refurb? 283 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,280 Oh, that would be a great idea. 284 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:02,360 The sooner the better. 285 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:03,720 Rip out that tired old pine. 286 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,360 Must be killing the walk-in trade. 287 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,040 When was it last done? They finished last week. 288 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,960 Oh, right. Yeah, I mean, I probably didn't have enough time 289 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,200 to take it all in. 290 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,480 Still surfing my memories. 291 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:17,560 I got you a Toblerone. Right. 292 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:21,200 Thanks? Toblerone, your favourite back in the day. 293 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,560 IN SILLY VOICE: "This is the Toblerone zone." 294 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:31,800 KNOCK ON DOOR 295 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:36,480 IN SILLY VOICE: Who dares try to enter the Toblerone zone? 296 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,480 What's the password? 297 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,000 TOGETHER: Hi, Dad! Hey, guys! 298 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,960 I was wondering if you wanted to go to Chessington World Of Adventures 299 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,520 in my shiny red car. BOTH: Yay! 300 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,520 You remember your time with us very vividly. 301 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:53,760 I kept a diary, 302 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,640 which I've typed up and synced across all my devices. 303 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,600 Don't you remember the Toblerone zone? 304 00:13:58,640 --> 00:13:59,640 Erm... 305 00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,040 THUNDER RUMBLES 306 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,840 Can I have some help cleaning the beer lines? 307 00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,920 They're filthy. Yep. 308 00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,000 Don't eat chocolate in your bedroom, Stephen. 309 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,960 This is the real world, not the Beano. 310 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,040 Science can't explain everything. 311 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:32,680 Look at the Turin Shroud. 312 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:34,800 Doctors only know what they've been taught. 313 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,960 Precisely. Medical science doesn't have all the answers. 314 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,960 If homoeopathy works, then it works. 315 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:45,000 That's my view. I actually think the arnica and fentanyl did far more 316 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,680 to ease Laurie's pain than the gallons of bloody morphine 317 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,880 they swilled down his throat. 318 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:51,240 Oh, excuse me. 319 00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,520 Aw, it's good to let yourself cry. 320 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,360 No, this is a reaction. 321 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,680 I mean, to dog hair, not grief. 322 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,680 Although, obviously I'm grieving, 323 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:08,160 just not to the extent that my eyelids swell up. 324 00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:11,240 I have to say, that dog of yours doesn't appear to be toilet trained. 325 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,080 It's an asthma-causing piss and vomit machine 326 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,880 and there's a reason science has chosen 327 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,720 never to replicate that machine. 328 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,280 Still, she's very cute, don't you think, Tom? 329 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,680 I don't like small dogs. 330 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,240 They're not really dogs, are they? 331 00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:26,720 I mean, seeing a big, tall guy or even a guy your size, Stephen, 332 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,200 walking a tiny dog, it's emasculating, isn't it? 333 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,320 No, mate, you go on. I'm fine. Thank you. 334 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,880 MUSIC CHANGES 335 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,840 Oh, Cat Stevens. 336 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,440 The governor. 337 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,840 Laurie loved his '70s sounds. 338 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,080 Terrific time. What are you running audio-wise? 339 00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,920 Bluetooth speaker, got the iPad hooked up to it, 340 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,960 wireless, crystal clear. 341 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,920 How did we manage in the old days? 342 00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,520 Vinyl's making a comeback. 343 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,280 Yeah, for cunts. 344 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:08,240 You're absolutely right. They're just useless sugar pills. 345 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:12,280 Yeah. Homeopathy's hardly reiki or that thing with the magnets, is it? 346 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,560 Homeopathy's a scam, in my view. 347 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,240 Nice to have Andrew back, isn't it? 348 00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,440 He was our favourite foster child. 349 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,600 I know, you're not meant to have favourites, 350 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,760 but some of them were genuine arseholes. 351 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,720 He was in touch with Dad on Facebook. 352 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,080 Dad was on Facebook? 353 00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,640 220 friends. 354 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,200 Do you not do Facebook, Stephen? 355 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,920 Didn't sign up at first, thought I'd missed the boat, 356 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,400 then most people signed up 357 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,720 and it turned out I hadn't missed the initial boat, 358 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,720 but I definitely have missed that second, much larger boat. 359 00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:43,200 He's done some amazing things, haven't you, Andrew? 360 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:47,080 Laurie was very impressed, said you were a business marvel. 361 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:48,280 What amazing things? 362 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,600 Oh, nothing, really. You don't need to list them, Ellen. 363 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:52,320 He ran a cafe in Sydney, 364 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,120 interior designer in Lisbon, photographer, 365 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,800 property developer, managed a reggae band... 366 00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,160 They were more heavy ska. A heavy ska band. 367 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,800 Laurie was bowled over. 368 00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,480 When he knew he was...on the way out, 369 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,920 he wondered whether Andrew might help you out 370 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,720 in the transition period. 371 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:09,800 Sorry, what? 372 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,960 While you're finding your feet with the business. 373 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,160 Dad was just aware that, you know, 374 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,200 in London, after college, 375 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,280 not that you failed as a lawyer - you didn't fail... 376 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,760 Most of those people got a significant proportion 377 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,160 of their money back and officially, I resigned. 378 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,600 I know, Dad was just thinking two heads better than one, you know? 379 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,080 Stephen, sorry, you need to... 380 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,000 I think the dog might be dying. 381 00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:33,560 Can you still shit when you're dying? 382 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,040 Very much so. 383 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,480 And you don't remember this Andrew being fostered with you guys at all? 384 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,120 There were so many of the fuckers I lost track. 385 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,200 Like the Sugababes. 386 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,360 I'm afraid your dog isn't well. 387 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,920 It's not actually my dog, 388 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,880 it's a sexy lady's dog. 389 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,360 Not this sexy lady. 390 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,520 I'm not saying I find her sexy. 391 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:54,880 I mean, I did once, 392 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:58,960 we were married, but we've both totally moved on now and... 393 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,120 Do go on. The dog's not well, you say? 394 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:05,000 I think she has pyometra, a quite serious infection of the uterus. 395 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:08,440 We're going to need to do a scan to confirm, but if it is pyometra, 396 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,560 she'll need an operation as soon as possible. 397 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,080 How much is a scan? 398 00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,760 Around £300. 399 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,480 And the operation would be? 400 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:17,480 Probably £1,200, plus VAT. 401 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,640 OK. And the alternative? 402 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,160 If this condition goes untreated she'll die of septic shock, 403 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,440 so the alternative is to euthanize her. 404 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,520 For £50. Plus VAT? 405 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:31,800 Yes. 406 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:32,840 Well, there's... 407 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,520 There's no question, is there? 408 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,120 Isn't there? Is there? 409 00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,160 It's up to you. 410 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,040 I would make no moral judgment. 411 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:46,440 Do the scan and then the operation if you need to. 412 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,120 We'll keep her here and we'll be in touch. 413 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,840 Right. Next move, Andrew. 414 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,200 He can't just waltz in and be a part of everything. 415 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,440 You need to go back home and assert yourself as head of the family. 416 00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,240 I will. I shall. 417 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,480 Captain Assertion. 418 00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,040 And that was a great thing you've just done for that little dog. 419 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,960 I'm very fond of the dog. 420 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,200 She's a very sweet little dog. 421 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,920 How's the dog? Fuck the dog. Come on. 422 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,240 Like the music, lads? 423 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,080 Super '70s. It's great. 424 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,680 One guy I didn't put on, 425 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,760 Glitter, Gary Glitter. 426 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:21,760 Paul Francis Gadd, Esq. Right, for obvious reasons. 427 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,680 Do you want to know what I'd do to paedos? 428 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,640 No, I don't. I would burn them alive. 429 00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,720 Yeah, I really don't want this discussion, Geoff. 430 00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,360 Not right now. I would happily pull the lever. 431 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,520 What lever? Where does a lever come into burning someone alive? 432 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,600 Maybe the lever tips petrol over them 433 00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,880 while simultaneously striking a match. 434 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:43,720 So this is some sort of Wilf Lunn contraption for incinerating humans? 435 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,720 Ah! They're not human, though. 436 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,240 That's the whole fucking thing. 437 00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:51,360 Do you want to know what I'd do to people who batter old folk? 438 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,600 Drown them? 439 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,080 Yeah, I would. 440 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,280 Happily pull the lever. 441 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,120 Yeah, a lot easier to see how a lever might work in that scenario. 442 00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,160 Mmm. 443 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:04,760 What is this? What's your game? 444 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,280 There's no game, I promise you. 445 00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:07,520 Is this a con? 446 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:12,120 Is it a Martin Guerre thing, you've assumed this guy's identity? 447 00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,440 The time I lived here was the best five months of my life. 448 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,760 It made me able to go out and, 449 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,400 all modesty aside, conquer the world. 450 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,880 You really have put modesty quite a long way over to the side there. 451 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:28,560 But, for all my success, I feel there's something missing. 452 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,920 I need to plug back in to the mother ship. 453 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:35,400 This, here, is the closest thing to a family I've ever had. 454 00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,640 You, Dad... 455 00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,960 Shut up! For fuck's sake, stop calling him Dad! 456 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,960 This man is my dad, OK? Not yours. 457 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,080 I feel I've hit a nerve. 458 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,720 He wasn't your dad. 459 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,440 He was my fucking dad! 460 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,240 My dead fucking dad, 461 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,040 and you can't appropriate him, 462 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,920 however many fucking countries you've lived in, 463 00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,120 you massive fucking orphan. 464 00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,800 ON RECORDING: Fuck it all to hell. 465 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,280 AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted. 466 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,160 Fuck. No, what have I done? 467 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,600 How do I get it back? I don't think you can get it back. 468 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,440 It deletes it permanently. What do you mean? 469 00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,000 You must be able to get it back. 470 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,320 Isn't it in the Cloud? 471 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,280 I thought everything was in the Cloud. 472 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,160 Answering machine messages on landlines aren't in the Cloud, 473 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,280 sort of in the same way that Sumerian clay tablets 474 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:17,400 aren't in the Cloud. 475 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,240 But...it was his last message. 476 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,760 Mum's last link with Dad and I've destroyed it. 477 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,200 Are you guys all right? 478 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,280 I heard shouting just now. 479 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,800 We're absolutely fine. 480 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,800 We...we were shouting with friendship. 481 00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,240 Something terrible has happened, Ellen. 482 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:35,960 Oh, no. What? 483 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,800 I've accidentally deleted Laurie's last voicemail. 484 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,200 Oh. I'm so sorry. 485 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,960 No, well... 486 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,320 He did sound ill on it. 487 00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,040 I should remember him as he'd like to be remembered. 488 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:59,520 Young, ambitious, charming, 489 00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,800 a business marvel. 490 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,280 You're absolutely right, Ellen. 491 00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,720 Call me Mum, like you used to. 492 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,720 Mum. Oh... 493 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:11,920 Is Cass around? 494 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,640 I've got something I need to say, to assert to the family. 495 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:19,440 OK. And, by the way, it was actually me who did the deleting. 496 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:20,720 Oh, Stephen! 497 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,960 A dead man's final message. 498 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,960 MUSIC: Rocket Man by Elton John 499 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,240 Hi, Andrew. 500 00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,720 Probably seems small and parochial and a bit shit around here 501 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,280 after all your amazing travelling. 502 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,400 Not at all. It's exactly as I remember it. 503 00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,560 And that's precisely what I need in my life right now. 504 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:38,840 It has changed a bit. 505 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,840 There's a music festival now every summer. 506 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:41,920 It has four stages. 507 00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:42,960 Like cancer. 508 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,360 Look, there's something I need to say. 509 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,000 Geoff, can you give us five minutes? 510 00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,480 Oh, yeah, sure. I needed the loo anyway. 511 00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:51,160 I'll take this. MUSIC STOPS 512 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,800 I love how much you've travelled. 513 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,840 I really wish I'd travelled more when I was young. 514 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:56,520 You're still young. I'm not. 515 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:57,920 You are. I'm not. 516 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,280 She's 36. 517 00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:03,400 Look... You will stay with us for a while, Andrew, like Laurie wanted. 518 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,320 Come back to us for a bit. 519 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:06,360 Would you like me to? 520 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:07,440 I really, really would. 521 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:10,120 I mean, we all would, but I really would, quite a lot. 522 00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:11,400 No, no, no. We can't just... 523 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,360 That's very kind. It's like I... 524 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:17,120 FROM SPEAKER: Oh, fuck, yes! You're fucking me. Yeah, fuck, right there! 525 00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:18,640 Oh, my God. Oh, fuck, fuck. 526 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:21,000 Geoff! Turn it off! 527 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,120 It's like our dad said in his last message, isn't it? 528 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:24,680 No, no, no, no. Not OUR dad. 529 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:28,680 All there really is is love and family. 530 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,480 You sound just like him. 531 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,080 FROM SPEAKER: Oh, my God. You're going to make me come. 532 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,840 You're going to make me come! 533 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,720 Oh, God! Oh, my God! I'm coming. Make my pussy come. Oh, yeah! 534 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,280 Does have a terrific tone, though. 535 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:42,000 Oh, fuck me! You're fucking me! 536 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:43,640 You're fucking me! You're fucking me! 537 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,320 You're fucking me! You're fucking me! 538 00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:47,240 # Son of a bitch 539 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,240 # Give me a drink 540 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:51,240 # One more night 541 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:52,760 # This can't be me 542 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,760 # Son of a bitch 543 00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,160 # If I can't get clean 544 00:23:58,240 --> 00:23:59,880 # I'm gonna drink my life away 545 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,320 # Hey! #