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This programme contains very strong
language and adult humour.
2
00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:09,360
It seems to me you'd be mad
to walk away from everything
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00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,280
you and Suzanne have built together.
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00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:14,360
You're right, our relationship
deserves another try.
5
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,240
I'm so happy you took my taxi.
You're a wise man.
6
00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:19,280
No, you're the one walking
this path,
7
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,360
I just maybe held back
some of the brambles.
8
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,720
After you drop me at the airport,
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00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,880
you need to give
that wife of yours a call.
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I will, and I'll tell her
I definitely want
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00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:30,520
to leave her for
my goddaughter Suzanne.
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Thank you!
13
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:46,720
Stephen, mate.
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Hello. Sausage rolls for the wake.
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Thoughts and prayers, fellow.
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I've allowed three per person.
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Seems about right. They're 80g each.
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Stay strong enough to allow yourself
to be weak, yeah.
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I will try, somehow, to do that.
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Your old man was great.
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A living legend.
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I mean, he's not any more, but...
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Tough act to follow, right?
24
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Thanks.
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He fucking hated you,
you tedious shitbag.
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He used to spit in your ham roll.
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Will you have a panini, Geoff?
I will, Mike.
28
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Chorizo and brie. Ah!
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You doing the music for Laurie's
wake tomorrow?
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Yeah, got a super '70s playlist
lined up.
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Feel like I need to give him
a big brother send-off.
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Do you still watch Big Brother?
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No, I meant because Laurie
was my big brother.
34
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:51,240
We haven't watched it
since Nadia was in it.
35
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I never had you down as watching
Big Brother, Geoff.
36
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:55,880
Yeah, I don't watch it, Jan. Oh.
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Hi, checking in.
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En route to Mum's.
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Oh, good day, Stephen.
Fancy a panini?
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00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,720
No, thank you. Jan and I are
loving the panini maker.
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Highlight of the refurb.
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It's a good refurb, isn't it?
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All the pine.
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It was expensive.
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Really expensive.
Very costly indeed, wasn't it?
46
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But I like to think I got it right.
47
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People could really grow to like it.
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Yes! It's really, really thorough.
49
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Whenever I'd show Dad the photos
towards the end,
50
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,440
he'd just hit his morphine button
and smile, so...
51
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:32,120
Aw! Don't feel like you have to keep
it all bottled up just cos of us.
52
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I don't. You been to see
Laurie yet, lying at rest,
53
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talked to him one last time?
54
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,320
Not technically, or actually.
55
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,720
I'm not sure that I...
You've only got till half six.
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Go see him.
Tell him you love him.
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00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,400
You weren't there when he passed.
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I was stuck in a queue
at the cash-and-carry.
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The tills went literally mental.
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You should go to the funeral place.
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Closure's important.
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For me, the fact that he's dead
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already has quite a large element
of closure about it.
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Aw...
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HE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE
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I'm really sorry.
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I'm so sorry. I don't even know
what language you're speaking.
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He's speaking Basque,
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the beautiful language of
the Basque country.
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May I?
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00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,600
I wouldn't say I was fluent, but...
72
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Thank you.
73
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,240
I got the sausage rolls
for the wake!
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00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,480
I went to for the one up
from economy.
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00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,520
13% pork.
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So genetically closer to a cucumber.
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I'm in Dad's office, love.
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AUTOMATED VOICE: End of messages.
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I've been listening to your dad's
last message from the hospital.
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You know, I don't think I've got
his voice recorded anywhere.
81
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,560
You have one saved message.
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ON RECORDING: I just rang to say
I love you, Ellen.
83
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:07,120
That's all there is, really,
isn't it?
84
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Love, family, when you actually...
85
00:04:11,160 --> 00:04:13,360
Oh, shit, I've dropped my yoghurt.
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Oh, fuck it all to hell!
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End of messages.
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Laurie to a T.
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00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,280
Loving his family.
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00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:20,840
Dropping is yoghurt.
91
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,760
Do you want? I'm fine, thanks.
92
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,200
It's only grass, love.
93
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:25,240
Yeah, don't worry.
94
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:27,720
I just had a massive toke
on my brown inhaler.
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00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:33,960
Mum, erm, I've got a vision for
the future of the business.
96
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:37,320
Have you? I think Dad liked
what I did with the refurb.
97
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,360
So I'm stepping up.
98
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,200
There's no-one else to fill
Dad's shoes.
99
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,400
Cass isn't interested.
100
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,320
No, she's like me, creative.
101
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:46,760
So, Mum, my vision is...
102
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,040
I would actually say that
I'm quite creative, too.
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00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:52,200
Of course you are, sweetheart.
104
00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,800
My vision is static caravans
in the field behind the pub.
105
00:04:55,840 --> 00:04:59,960
For holidays. Four caravans, five,
maybe even six, who knows?
106
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,800
But most likely four.
107
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,720
We could really start
moving forward.
108
00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,000
I mean, they're static,
but you get my point.
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Let's bury your dad first.
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That's the priority.
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Copy that.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Sir, sir?
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Ladies and gentlemen, if there's
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00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,920
a doctor on board
or anyone trained in CPR,
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00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:22,120
please do make yourself known
to the cabin crew.
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Hi, it's me. Can I help?
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DOORBELL RINGS
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Stephen, go and see Dad's body
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and tell him you love him
before it's too late.
120
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It's really important.
121
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This is Geoff's doing, isn't it?
122
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No. Shit!
123
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Geoff!
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It's not just me.
Cassie's concerned, as well.
125
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:50,360
And your mum, and Mike and Jan,
and the guy on the phone-in...
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00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:51,920
You rang a phone-in about me?
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00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,200
Love a phone-in.
128
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Don't know what I'd do without
phone-ins, or PornHub.
129
00:05:56,320 --> 00:05:57,720
Have you seen Dad's body?
130
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Yes! I mean, no,
131
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but I was with him in the hospice
until he was nearly dead.
132
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If he hadn't been talking and eating
a sweet, he'd have been dead.
133
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:07,120
I've been four times to the funeral
parlour. It's a comfort.
134
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It's weird.
135
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Shit! Mum's out.
136
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Have you got your keys?
137
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No. Maybe. I don't know.
138
00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,080
Who always knows where
their keys are?
139
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Everyone who has a door.
140
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Come on.
141
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,160
They've tried to make it look like
he's just asleep in the coffin,
142
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but it hasn't really worked.
143
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:28,120
Well, Dad slept naked and on his
front so, in a way, I'm glad.
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00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,240
Mum's gone for a wicker coffin.
145
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Reminds me of the baskets we used to
use for food in the pub.
146
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Here we go, folks.
147
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,080
Dad's like a giant scampi.
148
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,280
Fresh from the shining sea.
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00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:41,960
Frozen from Shitty-bijan,
more like.
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00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,520
Don't do your homework in the pub,
Stephen.
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Do it at home.
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00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,040
It's hard to concentrate
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with all the foster kids
and everything.
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CHILDREN PLAY WHILE LOUD MUSIC PLAYS
155
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Be quiet! Sit down! Food's ready!
156
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:55,560
Go fuck yourself.
157
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,080
"Go fuck yourself"
isn't on the menu, Jeanette,
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00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,520
prawn curry is.
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00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,520
Little weirdo. Little shit goblin!
160
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:08,600
I guess I'm just scared of
seeing his...
161
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His? Cadaver.
162
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,480
And fear is good.
163
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,600
My ancestors ran away from tigers,
164
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all the fearless fuckers got eaten.
165
00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,440
Don't leave things unsaid, son.
166
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,840
When's the last time you told
your dad you loved him?
167
00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:25,120
I don't think I ever did.
168
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,960
Stephen! It never came up.
169
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,680
And then there's this whole
unresolved argument you had
170
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,760
with him about Fred Perry
versus Andy Murray.
171
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,120
We did resolve that,
we agreed to differ.
172
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:36,800
Was Dad still going on about that
on his deathbed?
173
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,960
I bet.
174
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:40,320
Look, we'll leave you to ponder.
175
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:41,760
You've got till half six,
176
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,280
then the funeral place shuts.
177
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,320
Do you have any quite strong lager?
178
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,360
Sure.
179
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:53,880
Hi.
180
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:54,960
Hi.
181
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:57,040
Would you mind keeping an eye
on my dog?
182
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,040
Not a problem. Thanks so much.
183
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,840
Your mum's sexy.
184
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,680
I mean your owner.
185
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,320
I haven't met your birth mother.
186
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:11,840
I'm sure she's lovely.
187
00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:21,480
I only wish I could've done more.
188
00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:22,800
You did all you could.
189
00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,360
No-one else came forward.
190
00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:28,000
You're a good man. Thank you.
191
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:30,360
I just want to try to
make a difference.
192
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,840
Another can of quite strong lager?
193
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:44,960
No, thanks.
194
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:48,000
I need to be somewhere and
say something to someone.
195
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:52,640
Do you think she's all right?
Who's all right?
196
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:55,600
The lady who owns this dog,
she asked me to look after it.
197
00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,200
The sexy woman
who was sitting over there.
198
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:00,640
No, didn't notice her.
199
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:03,720
Well, maybe check the toilet.
I presume she went to the toilet.
200
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:05,040
There's no-one in the toilet.
201
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,000
We've got one toilet,
I was just in there.
202
00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,680
There wasn't a sexy woman with me.
203
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,960
Well, I need to go,
so I'll leave the dog here
204
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,840
and I'm guessing she'll
come back for it.
205
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,480
You can't leave your dog here.
206
00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:16,920
As I say, it's not my dog.
207
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,320
As far as I'm concerned,
it's your dog.
208
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,560
Not my dog, is it?
209
00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,520
DRIPPING
210
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,120
Is that piss coming out
of its basket?
211
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:26,960
DOG WHINES
212
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,280
That would be my guess.
213
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:33,240
Hi, sorry. Can I see my dad?
214
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,320
I've just closed up, Stephen, so...
215
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:36,920
But, could I just quickly...?
216
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,240
You can't take your cat in.
217
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:39,920
It's not my cat, it's my dog.
218
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,040
And it's not MY dog.
219
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,240
OK, I'll just miss the start.
220
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,560
Of... Oh, nothing.
221
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,200
Just going to the theatre with Jill.
222
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:50,200
We don't get out as much as we'd
like to, what with the wheelchair.
223
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:51,440
I'll text her.
224
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,480
We can download something.
225
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:57,400
Erm... Now, let me remember
the alarm code.
226
00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:58,800
Going blank.
227
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,960
Don't want guess and end up
with five squad cars here.
228
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,840
That's happened.
Actually, it's fine.
229
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,160
By the time we get in,
230
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,480
you'll be even later and
I'll be aware of that while
231
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,320
looking at the corpse.
232
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,000
Clock ticking, as it were.
233
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:14,360
So, you go.
234
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,240
Thanks and sorry.
235
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,280
But thanks again.
236
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,840
Look, Dad, I didn't get to,
237
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:34,080
you know, say that I...
238
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,560
OK, first of all, I need to clarify
239
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,960
the Fred Perry versus
Andy Murray thing.
240
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,480
I was talking primarily
about temperament.
241
00:10:42,520 --> 00:10:43,840
Perry for all his...
242
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:44,880
BANG FROM STREET
243
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,320
All right, mate?
244
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,360
All right?
245
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,640
DRIPPING
246
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,400
Dog piss.
247
00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,240
DOG WHIMPERS
248
00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,880
CHURCH BELLS TOLL
249
00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:20,680
So, Dad, we never...
250
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:25,720
We both knew, didn't we,
that some things that...
251
00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:32,160
Anyway, there's something I...
I need to say...
252
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,480
..that I was never able to...
253
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:37,720
ANDREW SIGHS
254
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:41,640
I can't believe Dad is gone.
255
00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,200
I mean...Dad.
256
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:45,760
Best dad.
257
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:47,560
Gone.
258
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,960
Yes, "Dad".
259
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:51,960
My dad has gone.
260
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,080
Look, I was just...
261
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,720
Go ahead, don't mind me.
262
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,680
I was just remembering
the wonderful times...
263
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:58,960
..with Dad.
264
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,080
Dear, sweet Dad.
265
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,240
Sorry, do I know you?
266
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,800
Andrew Donnelly, I'm your brother.
267
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,000
No, you're not.
268
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,080
1987, March 15th to August 6th.
269
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,640
I was your foster brother.
270
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,160
Oh! Oh, right.
271
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:14,480
You're one of those.
272
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:15,840
Yes, of course.
273
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:17,120
I'm Stephen. I know.
274
00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:18,160
Of course.
275
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,440
You carry on with what
you were saying.
276
00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:25,520
No, I...
277
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:28,720
It's fine.
278
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,200
Bye, Dad.
279
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,400
You meant everything to me,
and I'll love and miss you forever.
280
00:12:54,160 --> 00:12:56,200
I popped into the John Barleycorn
on the way here.
281
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:57,640
First time in 30 years.
282
00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,640
Wow. And the big refurb?
283
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,280
Oh, that would be a great idea.
284
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:02,360
The sooner the better.
285
00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:03,720
Rip out that tired old pine.
286
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,360
Must be killing the walk-in trade.
287
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,040
When was it last done?
They finished last week.
288
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,960
Oh, right. Yeah, I mean,
I probably didn't have enough time
289
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,200
to take it all in.
290
00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:14,480
Still surfing my memories.
291
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:17,560
I got you a Toblerone. Right.
292
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:21,200
Thanks? Toblerone,
your favourite back in the day.
293
00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:23,560
IN SILLY VOICE:
"This is the Toblerone zone."
294
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:31,800
KNOCK ON DOOR
295
00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:36,480
IN SILLY VOICE: Who dares try to
enter the Toblerone zone?
296
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,480
What's the password?
297
00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:41,000
TOGETHER: Hi, Dad!
Hey, guys!
298
00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,960
I was wondering if you wanted to go
to Chessington World Of Adventures
299
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,520
in my shiny red car.
BOTH: Yay!
300
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,520
You remember your time with us
very vividly.
301
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:53,760
I kept a diary,
302
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,640
which I've typed up and synced
across all my devices.
303
00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,600
Don't you remember
the Toblerone zone?
304
00:13:58,640 --> 00:13:59,640
Erm...
305
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,040
THUNDER RUMBLES
306
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,840
Can I have some help cleaning
the beer lines?
307
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,920
They're filthy. Yep.
308
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,000
Don't eat chocolate in your bedroom,
Stephen.
309
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,960
This is the real world,
not the Beano.
310
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:31,040
Science can't explain everything.
311
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:32,680
Look at the Turin Shroud.
312
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:34,800
Doctors only know what
they've been taught.
313
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:37,960
Precisely. Medical science
doesn't have all the answers.
314
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,960
If homoeopathy works, then it works.
315
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:45,000
That's my view. I actually think
the arnica and fentanyl did far more
316
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,680
to ease Laurie's pain than
the gallons of bloody morphine
317
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,880
they swilled down his throat.
318
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:51,240
Oh, excuse me.
319
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:58,520
Aw, it's good to let yourself cry.
320
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,360
No, this is a reaction.
321
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,680
I mean, to dog hair, not grief.
322
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,680
Although, obviously I'm grieving,
323
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:08,160
just not to the extent that
my eyelids swell up.
324
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:11,240
I have to say, that dog of yours
doesn't appear to be toilet trained.
325
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:14,080
It's an asthma-causing piss
and vomit machine
326
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,880
and there's a reason science
has chosen
327
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,720
never to replicate that machine.
328
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,280
Still, she's very cute,
don't you think, Tom?
329
00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,680
I don't like small dogs.
330
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,240
They're not really dogs, are they?
331
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:26,720
I mean, seeing a big, tall guy or
even a guy your size, Stephen,
332
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:29,200
walking a tiny dog,
it's emasculating, isn't it?
333
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,320
No, mate, you go on.
I'm fine. Thank you.
334
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:41,880
MUSIC CHANGES
335
00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,840
Oh, Cat Stevens.
336
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,440
The governor.
337
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,840
Laurie loved his '70s sounds.
338
00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:51,080
Terrific time.
What are you running audio-wise?
339
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:53,920
Bluetooth speaker,
got the iPad hooked up to it,
340
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,960
wireless, crystal clear.
341
00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,920
How did we manage in the old days?
342
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,520
Vinyl's making a comeback.
343
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,280
Yeah, for cunts.
344
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:08,240
You're absolutely right.
They're just useless sugar pills.
345
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:12,280
Yeah. Homeopathy's hardly reiki or
that thing with the magnets, is it?
346
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,560
Homeopathy's a scam, in my view.
347
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:17,240
Nice to have Andrew back, isn't it?
348
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,440
He was our favourite foster child.
349
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,600
I know, you're not meant to have
favourites,
350
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,760
but some of them were
genuine arseholes.
351
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:25,720
He was in touch with Dad
on Facebook.
352
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,080
Dad was on Facebook?
353
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:28,640
220 friends.
354
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:30,200
Do you not do Facebook, Stephen?
355
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:32,920
Didn't sign up at first,
thought I'd missed the boat,
356
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,400
then most people signed up
357
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,720
and it turned out I hadn't missed
the initial boat,
358
00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,720
but I definitely have missed
that second, much larger boat.
359
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:43,200
He's done some amazing things,
haven't you, Andrew?
360
00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:47,080
Laurie was very impressed,
said you were a business marvel.
361
00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:48,280
What amazing things?
362
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,600
Oh, nothing, really.
You don't need to list them, Ellen.
363
00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:52,320
He ran a cafe in Sydney,
364
00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:55,120
interior designer in Lisbon,
photographer,
365
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:57,800
property developer,
managed a reggae band...
366
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,160
They were more heavy ska.
A heavy ska band.
367
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:01,800
Laurie was bowled over.
368
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:04,480
When he knew he was...on the way
out,
369
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,920
he wondered whether Andrew
might help you out
370
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,720
in the transition period.
371
00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:09,800
Sorry, what?
372
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,960
While you're finding your feet
with the business.
373
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,160
Dad was just aware that, you know,
374
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,200
in London, after college,
375
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,280
not that you failed as a lawyer -
you didn't fail...
376
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,760
Most of those people
got a significant proportion
377
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,160
of their money back
and officially, I resigned.
378
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:28,600
I know, Dad was just thinking two
heads better than one, you know?
379
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,080
Stephen, sorry, you need to...
380
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,000
I think the dog might be dying.
381
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:33,560
Can you still shit
when you're dying?
382
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,040
Very much so.
383
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:39,480
And you don't remember this Andrew
being fostered with you guys at all?
384
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,120
There were so many of the fuckers
I lost track.
385
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,200
Like the Sugababes.
386
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,360
I'm afraid your dog isn't well.
387
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,920
It's not actually my dog,
388
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:49,880
it's a sexy lady's dog.
389
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,360
Not this sexy lady.
390
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,520
I'm not saying I find her sexy.
391
00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:54,880
I mean, I did once,
392
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:58,960
we were married, but we've both
totally moved on now and...
393
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,120
Do go on.
The dog's not well, you say?
394
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:05,000
I think she has pyometra, a quite
serious infection of the uterus.
395
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:08,440
We're going to need to do a scan to
confirm, but if it is pyometra,
396
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,560
she'll need an operation
as soon as possible.
397
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,080
How much is a scan?
398
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:13,760
Around £300.
399
00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:15,480
And the operation would be?
400
00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:17,480
Probably £1,200, plus VAT.
401
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,640
OK. And the alternative?
402
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,160
If this condition goes untreated
she'll die of septic shock,
403
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,440
so the alternative is
to euthanize her.
404
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:30,520
For £50. Plus VAT?
405
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:31,800
Yes.
406
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:32,840
Well, there's...
407
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,520
There's no question, is there?
408
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,120
Isn't there? Is there?
409
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,160
It's up to you.
410
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,040
I would make no moral judgment.
411
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:46,440
Do the scan and then the operation
if you need to.
412
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,120
We'll keep her here and
we'll be in touch.
413
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,840
Right. Next move, Andrew.
414
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,200
He can't just waltz in and be
a part of everything.
415
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,440
You need to go back home and assert
yourself as head of the family.
416
00:18:57,480 --> 00:18:59,240
I will. I shall.
417
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,480
Captain Assertion.
418
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:03,040
And that was a great thing you've
just done for that little dog.
419
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:04,960
I'm very fond of the dog.
420
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,200
She's a very sweet little dog.
421
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,920
How's the dog?
Fuck the dog. Come on.
422
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,240
Like the music, lads?
423
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,080
Super '70s. It's great.
424
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,680
One guy I didn't put on,
425
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,760
Glitter, Gary Glitter.
426
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:21,760
Paul Francis Gadd, Esq.
Right, for obvious reasons.
427
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,680
Do you want to know what
I'd do to paedos?
428
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,640
No, I don't.
I would burn them alive.
429
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:28,720
Yeah, I really don't want this
discussion, Geoff.
430
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:31,360
Not right now.
I would happily pull the lever.
431
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,520
What lever? Where does a lever
come into burning someone alive?
432
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,600
Maybe the lever tips petrol
over them
433
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:39,880
while simultaneously
striking a match.
434
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:43,720
So this is some sort of Wilf Lunn
contraption for incinerating humans?
435
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,720
Ah! They're not human, though.
436
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,240
That's the whole fucking thing.
437
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:51,360
Do you want to know what I'd do to
people who batter old folk?
438
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,600
Drown them?
439
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,080
Yeah, I would.
440
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,280
Happily pull the lever.
441
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,120
Yeah, a lot easier to see how a
lever might work in that scenario.
442
00:19:58,160 --> 00:19:59,160
Mmm.
443
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:04,760
What is this? What's your game?
444
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,280
There's no game, I promise you.
445
00:20:06,320 --> 00:20:07,520
Is this a con?
446
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:12,120
Is it a Martin Guerre thing,
you've assumed this guy's identity?
447
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,440
The time I lived here was the best
five months of my life.
448
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,760
It made me able to go out and,
449
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,400
all modesty aside,
conquer the world.
450
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:23,880
You really have put modesty quite
a long way over to the side there.
451
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:28,560
But, for all my success,
I feel there's something missing.
452
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,920
I need to plug back in
to the mother ship.
453
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:35,400
This, here, is the closest thing to
a family I've ever had.
454
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:37,640
You, Dad...
455
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:40,960
Shut up! For fuck's sake,
stop calling him Dad!
456
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,960
This man is my dad, OK? Not yours.
457
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:45,080
I feel I've hit a nerve.
458
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:46,720
He wasn't your dad.
459
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,440
He was my fucking dad!
460
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,240
My dead fucking dad,
461
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,040
and you can't appropriate him,
462
00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,920
however many fucking countries
you've lived in,
463
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,120
you massive fucking orphan.
464
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,800
ON RECORDING: Fuck it all to hell.
465
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:00,280
AUTOMATED VOICE: Message deleted.
466
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,160
Fuck. No, what have I done?
467
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:04,600
How do I get it back?
I don't think you can get it back.
468
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,440
It deletes it permanently.
What do you mean?
469
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:08,000
You must be able to get it back.
470
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:09,320
Isn't it in the Cloud?
471
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,280
I thought everything was
in the Cloud.
472
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,160
Answering machine messages on
landlines aren't in the Cloud,
473
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,280
sort of in the same way that
Sumerian clay tablets
474
00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:17,400
aren't in the Cloud.
475
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,240
But...it was his last message.
476
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:23,760
Mum's last link with Dad
and I've destroyed it.
477
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:25,200
Are you guys all right?
478
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,280
I heard shouting just now.
479
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,800
We're absolutely fine.
480
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,800
We...we were shouting
with friendship.
481
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:34,240
Something terrible has happened,
Ellen.
482
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:35,960
Oh, no. What?
483
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,800
I've accidentally deleted Laurie's
last voicemail.
484
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,200
Oh. I'm so sorry.
485
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,960
No, well...
486
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,320
He did sound ill on it.
487
00:21:53,360 --> 00:21:56,040
I should remember him as he'd like
to be remembered.
488
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:59,520
Young, ambitious, charming,
489
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,800
a business marvel.
490
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,280
You're absolutely right, Ellen.
491
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:05,720
Call me Mum, like you used to.
492
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,720
Mum. Oh...
493
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:11,920
Is Cass around?
494
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,640
I've got something I need to say,
to assert to the family.
495
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:19,440
OK. And, by the way, it was actually
me who did the deleting.
496
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:20,720
Oh, Stephen!
497
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,960
A dead man's final message.
498
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,960
MUSIC: Rocket Man
by Elton John
499
00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:28,240
Hi, Andrew.
500
00:22:28,280 --> 00:22:31,720
Probably seems small and parochial
and a bit shit around here
501
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,280
after all your amazing travelling.
502
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,400
Not at all.
It's exactly as I remember it.
503
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,560
And that's precisely what I need
in my life right now.
504
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:38,840
It has changed a bit.
505
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,840
There's a music festival now
every summer.
506
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:41,920
It has four stages.
507
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:42,960
Like cancer.
508
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,360
Look, there's something
I need to say.
509
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,000
Geoff, can you give us five minutes?
510
00:22:47,040 --> 00:22:49,480
Oh, yeah, sure.
I needed the loo anyway.
511
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:51,160
I'll take this.
MUSIC STOPS
512
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,800
I love how much you've travelled.
513
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,840
I really wish I'd travelled more
when I was young.
514
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:56,520
You're still young. I'm not.
515
00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:57,920
You are. I'm not.
516
00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,280
She's 36.
517
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:03,400
Look... You will stay with us for
a while, Andrew, like Laurie wanted.
518
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,320
Come back to us for a bit.
519
00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:06,360
Would you like me to?
520
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:07,440
I really, really would.
521
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:10,120
I mean, we all would,
but I really would, quite a lot.
522
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:11,400
No, no, no. We can't just...
523
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,360
That's very kind. It's like I...
524
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:17,120
FROM SPEAKER: Oh, fuck, yes! You're
fucking me. Yeah, fuck, right there!
525
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:18,640
Oh, my God. Oh, fuck, fuck.
526
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:21,000
Geoff! Turn it off!
527
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,120
It's like our dad said in his
last message, isn't it?
528
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:24,680
No, no, no, no. Not OUR dad.
529
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:28,680
All there really is
is love and family.
530
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,480
You sound just like him.
531
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,080
FROM SPEAKER: Oh, my God.
You're going to make me come.
532
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:34,840
You're going to make me come!
533
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:38,720
Oh, God! Oh, my God! I'm coming.
Make my pussy come. Oh, yeah!
534
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,280
Does have a terrific tone, though.
535
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:42,000
Oh, fuck me! You're fucking me!
536
00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:43,640
You're fucking me!
You're fucking me!
537
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,320
You're fucking me!
You're fucking me!
538
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:47,240
# Son of a bitch
539
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:49,240
# Give me a drink
540
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:51,240
# One more night
541
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:52,760
# This can't be me
542
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,760
# Son of a bitch
543
00:23:55,800 --> 00:23:57,160
# If I can't get clean
544
00:23:58,240 --> 00:23:59,880
# I'm gonna drink my life away
545
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,320
# Hey! #