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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour
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DOG WHINES
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Oh...
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Hello, Maureen, have you shat
everywhere?
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Smells like you shat everywhere.
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Brilliant, a floor made out
of dog turd.
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Like there's a mental patient on
Grand Designs.
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Nice to see you here again, Ellen.
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He looks tall. Was Jesus quite tall?
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No-one knows. They were probably
shorter back then, actually.
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Well, the medieval people
were short,
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you could see that from
the old doorways, so,
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the Jesus time people
must've been tiny.
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I don't think they were tiny.
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I don't mean tiny like Playmobil
people, tiny like jockeys,
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or those little stocky men
who do judo.
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I need to get back.
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Shall I walk with you
part of the way?
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I was thinking of having a full
English at the cafe.
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Oh, naughty.
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You won't be getting into heaven.
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I actually will. That's pretty
much guaranteed.
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Access all areas.
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Sorry, shit everywhere.
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The dogs'.
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How is sweet little Maureen,
apart from the shit everywhere?
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If I wear a surgical mask and latex
gloves, and take three Piriton,
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my breathing stays fairly normal,
so, happy to have her here.
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OK, I'm e-mailing you all copies
of Laurie's will.
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Jeff, is your address still send
glenyskinnocktoprison@gmail?
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Yeah, JeffNichols was already
taken, and JeffNichols1.
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NicholsJeff? Might have a chance.
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Ellen's going to to be a little
late.
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she's the executor of the will
so she's already familiar
with what's in it.
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Sorry I'm late. Jeff,
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just saw the exhaust on your Volvo
was trailing so I did a temporary
fix.
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Wow, cheers, mate.
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And Cass, you know that book we
talked about on the architecture
of Stuttgart?
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Should be on your Kindle. So want
to read that.
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Amazing Stuttgart in beautiful...
Europe.
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Sorry, Andrew, but,
private family event.
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The will, it's core family,
just the solid core blood family.
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And also, seemingly, Mike.
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WHISPERS: Quavers.
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Actually, Stephen, Andrew
is mentioned in the will.
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Yes, Mum asked me to come along.
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Hope I'm not treading on any toes.
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No, I'm guessing you've been left a
table lamp, or something, some pens.
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You can sit next to me, Andrew, make
sure I don't die of bloody boredom.
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How's your B&B? A bit grim?
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I've stayed in more
depressing places,
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but then I did have eight
Christmases in care.
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Will you be reading the will?
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That only happens in films, Jeff.
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Oh, go on, please.
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You can start with, "I expect you're
wondering why I've asked
you all here."
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That's murder mysteries.
We know why she's asked us all here.
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And she didn't ask us all here,
we all asked her here.
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You're determined to suck the fun
out of things, aren't you, Stephen?
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Sorry, I apologise for sucking
the fun out of my dead father's last
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wishes, what a fucking buzzkill.
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I think Jesus Christ,
peace be upon him...
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We don't tend to say that -
that's the... we just don't say it.
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Oh, well, I think Jesus Christ,
best wishes be to him,
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is the logical next step
in my spiritual journey.
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Paganism, self-hypnosis,
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sprigs of rosemary down your pants
will only take you but so far.
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You need some red meat with your
aduki beans, and that's Jesus.
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The church is very pleased
to welcome you, Ellen.
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I do like the idea of eternal life.
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And it's only possible through
Christ. Everyone else is damned.
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Even a tiny baby is damned to hell
if it dies unbaptized.
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You could work for 60 years
feeding the poor, healing the sick,
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giving every ounce of yourself
for the service of others,
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but unless you accept Christ
as your saviour,
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you'll burn in
agony for all eternity.
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And deserve to. You're quite
hard-line, aren't you?
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There's only one truth, Ellen.
I'm not going to lie about it.
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What... what about people in remote
tribes who don't know about Jesus?
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They'll burn, quite rightly.
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They know, even the Amazon tribes
can get 4G these days.
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And will Laurie burn?
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Yes, he will.
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I bequeath the residue
of this business to my beloved wife
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Ellen Mae Nichols, a 45% share and
my children Stephen Richard Nichols
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and Cassandra Leslie Nichols,
a 25% share each.
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Doesn't that come to 95%?
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I make it 105%.
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Really?
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00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,440
Maybe not, I switched off since it
became clear I'm getting fuck all.
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Unless I get that 5%.
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To aid with the transition period,
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Andrew Thomas Donnelly
shall have a 5% stake
in the John Barleycorn.
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Sorry, everyone.
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I was checking in with Julian
re lovely Jesus Christ and so on.
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I am hugely into Jesus now.
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I think he's brilliant.
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Mum, Andrew has a share
of the business.
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5%. Yes, great, isn't it?
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Just the shot in the arm this place
needs, help clear our debts.
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This is so lovely, guys. I'll do
whatever I can to help you out.
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I'm humbled and I'm proud.
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You can't be, they're opposites.
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It's like being simultaneously
on the moon and not on the moon.
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Who the fuck is he anyway?
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He claims he lived with us
for a matter of months.
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I was Dad's proper son for 42 years.
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Andrew was a rescue son
we temporarily homed.
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Yeah, we need to Google the shit
out of him.
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Try and work out his history.
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Me and you, like Cagney and Lacey,
or Scott and Bailey.
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00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:09,360
Or maybe a partnership where one
of them is a man?
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Yeah. Team Us.
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Sorry - is this a bad back thing,
the lying on the floor?
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No, Tom was here at lunchtime.
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We had sex in Graham's office.
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It's OK, he's away on a course.
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OK. Oh, I'm sorry.
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I haven't told you, have I?
We're trying for a baby.
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Right. Nice one.
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No, nice one, who says "nice one"?
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After sex I have to lie in this
position for a bit to keep all the,
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you know... Yeah, I get it.
Come up there.
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Sure. We've not been lucky yet,
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so we think that timing
is pretty crucial.
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Could you just pass me that cushion?
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I've got a very precise ovulation
calculator that works
more or less to the hour.
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Thanks.
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Is it Swiss? Not sure.
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Anyway, sorry, too much grisly
info. No, no.
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Oh, are you up for carrying on
the Andrew investigation
tomorrow evening?
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Team Us. Yeah, although at eight
o'clock could you remind me
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I've got to go home and have sex
with Tom?
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I'll set an alarm too, but just
in case, could you...
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My pleasure. Thanks.
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We were just saying, Stephen,
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how Julian does a lot of drug
outreach work.
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I work with the sort of people
Jesus would have hung out with.
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Rabbis and fishermen?
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00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,160
Fringe people, liminal people,
guys who are on the edge,
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or in the gaps.
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I did a lot of voice and movement
work with those kind of guys
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when I ran
an actors' studio in Berlin.
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Oh, fucking hell. If you're
addicted, you don't have a voice.
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You're "I love the drugs!"
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But when you gain confidence through
voice and movement work,
you're like,
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"No more drugs for me, thanks!"
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It's that different. And sometimes
I baptise the guys.
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christ is not just in a church,
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he's in this pub, he's in a
brothel,
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in a tree house, Belmarsh prison,
and IKEA.
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John baptized Christ outdoors
in a river.
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wherever there's water
and the Holy Spirit,
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we could baptise
those who seek redemption.
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Could you baptise me?
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Here, now?
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Of course.
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The Christian community
welcomes you with great joy, Ellen.
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In its name, I claim you
for Christ our saviour,
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by the sign of his cross.
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Ohhh!
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Wow! Go on,
I'll have what she's having.
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What? Seems like the ideal time
to get baptised.
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Do you actually believe in God?
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Sure. The Christian community
welcomes you with great joy, Andrew.
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In its name I claim you for Christ
our saviour, by the sign
of his cross.
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Baptizing, is it? Yes.
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Brilliant. I'll have a pop.
All my sins forgiven, fantastic.
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I fucked a load of people over in my
time.
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And I once broke a security guard's
spine, so THIS is an excellent deal!
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Stephen, will you be baptized?
No, of course I won't!
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I don't want to do end up like your
dad.
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He is burning in the fiery pit of
hell, right now.
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No, he isn't mum.
Dad's not in hell.
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Don't upset yourself!
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His remains are rotting in a long
wicker box.
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Seems small when you look around
initially.
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00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:10,120
Very small, but it's deceptively
big, isn't it?
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Tremendously roomy.
Too roomy, almost.
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Yeah, can you sign the doc up?
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00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,320
Trevellis Caravans, are you a
Cornish company?
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00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:22,840
No. But you have a love of Cornwall,
Trevellis, childhood holidays?
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My name is Trevor Ellis.
184
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Ah. Right. Clever.
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00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,400
Clever Trevor.
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00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,360
And, you want another four of these?
187
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:35,440
Almost certainly, this is just a
sample to excite everyone.
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Do I get a discount for ordering
five?
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00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:38,920
No.
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Ah, good. You got the text.
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00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:44,760
Welcome to the gold mine.
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00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:49,080
Five static caravans, in this field,
rent them out for holidays,
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00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,360
steady income, clear our debts.
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00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:54,000
OK. Initially we'd need a septic
tank,
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00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:56,360
but the technology has improved
hugely.
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00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:57,960
Even with the medium-size one.
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00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,320
I worked out that I could personally
shit in it until I was 54 and still
198
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,920
not fill it up. Let me give you the
tour.
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00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,720
It's very, very small.
200
00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,960
You think that when you look at it,
but in reality it isn't.
201
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,240
There's no oven? Just a hob?
202
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,160
You could do most things on a hob.
203
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:21,200
Picture the scene, holiday-makers
having a great time locally, seeing
204
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:26,800
the sights, then back to their
spacious static for a slap-up
hob-cooked meal.
205
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:30,160
Do you genuinely like this sort of
hutch?
206
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:34,080
I love it, I would happily live here
permanently, it's that good.
207
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,200
Hey, life swap!
208
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:40,760
If you stay here in hobbit world,
Andrew can have your room above the
pub.
209
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:44,920
No, I'm sure Stephen isn't serious
about living in this...
210
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:49,280
Hutch. I am!
You can have the stupid room.
211
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:53,440
You can't fry an egg in a room,
can't...wee in a room.
212
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:57,280
So, what do we think then, about the
statics?
213
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,280
I think this is a fantastic idea of
Steven's.
214
00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:02,520
I really do. Really?
215
00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:06,320
A superbly, solid, workmanlike way
of making some extra money.
216
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,120
Let's get 100% behind this.
217
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,960
I mean, I have had half a thought of
my own about the future of the
218
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,880
business, but let's not... What half
a thought? I bet it's amazing.
219
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,760
Well, something like...
220
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,880
Wow!
221
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:25,160
Let's do this! Whatever this is,
please let's do it?
222
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,120
We hold a food festival in the
field. Come with me.
223
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:34,040
Pop up street food stalls, an
airstream serving great grilled
cheese.
224
00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:37,480
Oh, I like a bit of grilled cheese.
It's called cheese on toast.
225
00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,920
Tents selling local produce.
You know, rare breed pulled pork.
226
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:45,400
A vodka jelly kiosk, raw milk
cheeses, a ferris wheel, falconry,
227
00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:49,880
a dim sum workshop, I might be able
to get a Spitfire to fly over.
228
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,800
Oh! And we call it the snack and
field event.
229
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,880
Brilliant name. It's just a pun!
230
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:57,480
And we end it with fireworks and a
set by Coldplay.
231
00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:01,400
Fucking hell, that sounds amazing!
I was joking about that last bit.
232
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:05,400
Oh. Still, fucking hell, the rest of
it still sounds amazing.
233
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:08,800
Can I just say, raw milk cheeses,
you're playing with fire.
234
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,280
They can cause pregnant women to
miscarry,
235
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:15,240
that's a 20 grand lawsuit, minimum.
Well, I love this idea.
236
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,080
It's a thrilling and wonderfully
exciting idea,
237
00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,040
as is Steven's static caravan and
septic tank proposal.
238
00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,920
But let's try the food festival
first.
239
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,680
Only if you're sure, I mean,
240
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,440
I might make a massive cock-up of
the whole thing.
241
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,160
You won't, no chance.
You're brilliant.
242
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,320
So, I've been doing some
Google sleuthing on Andrew today.
243
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,960
I think some of it checks out,
but some of it's a bit hazy.
244
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,400
Yes, I've been looking too.
245
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,680
The restaurant stuff
seems legit.
246
00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,560
Yeah, but it's not clear whether
he owned it, or was a manager,
247
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,400
or a waiter or just ate there a lot.
248
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:57,720
Got your chips and dips.
249
00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,560
Thanks. I'll be going to the
cash-and-carry in the morning.
250
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,280
Oh. So, if anything occurs to you...
251
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:04,720
Aw, I'll have a think.
252
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,000
Why, "Aw"?
253
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,400
She just says, "Aw,"
all the fucking time.
254
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,120
Aw.
255
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,280
Did you notice Andrew's
lost 18 months?
256
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,720
No. There's a mystery period.
257
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,240
18 months where Andrew goes
completely off the radar.
258
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,920
Nothing about him on the internet
for any of that time.
259
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,600
Oh, interesting. Prison?
260
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,040
Maybe. Perhaps he was a drug lord.
261
00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,760
No, sentence too short.
262
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,320
An illegal fracker, he's been
fracking his through France.
263
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,120
Or, diddling. Serial diddling.
264
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,560
I could look that up. No, your ISP
might seem the search terms
265
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,080
and take you for the diddler.
266
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,280
I'll search on mine. Lady diddlers
are like hens' teeth.
267
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:44,400
Hi. We've just been talking
about continental paedophiles.
268
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,600
And how the sentences
are relatively short.
269
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:51,320
Right. I wanted to talk very briefly
about ferris wheels.
270
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,000
Sure. Do your remember when Dad took
us to the fair on the common?
271
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,600
I loved the Ferris wheel.
272
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,200
And so did Dad.
273
00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,320
LAUGHTER
274
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,680
Yeah, amazing days.
275
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:07,960
YOUNG STEVEN VOMITS
276
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:10,600
Steven!
277
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,120
I love rides.
Sometimes being scared can be fun.
278
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,800
Then my entire waking existence
is a carnival.
279
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,960
The ferris wheel guy sent these...
280
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,400
Oh, there he is. Excuse me.
281
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,080
You could have a look at that.
282
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,000
His location services
will tell you whether
283
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,480
he's been living where he says he
has. I don't know. It's...
284
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,160
It's his private information.
You don't know if he's a conman.
285
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:32,920
Quick, he'll look in a second.
286
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,320
Bugger, android.
287
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:35,840
I don't know how to work android.
288
00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:39,080
Fuck! What? I've taken a picture
of myself. Shit. Delete it.
289
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,800
I'm trying to. Shit.
290
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,000
Put it back. Done it, I think.
He's coming back.
291
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:45,480
OK, we can get ourselves
a pretty great ferris wheel,
292
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,640
fully insured for
an excellent price.
293
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:48,880
I'm going to do the deal.
294
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,960
Brilliant. Excellent detective work.
295
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,840
We are such an amazing team.
296
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,240
Phenomenal. Interpol should hire us,
we'd make millions.
297
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,880
You need to have sex with Tom.
298
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,040
PHONE RINGS
Oh, God, yes.
299
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,840
Well remembered.
300
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,600
I saw the time on Andrew's phone.
301
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,320
I'll see you very soon. Good luck!
302
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,840
Good luck. Aw, for fuck's sake
Steven, you heinous twat.
303
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:22,960
Really?
Oh, this is going to be such fun.
304
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,000
Come along.
305
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:31,240
Jesus Christ. The oceans are warming
quicker than this fucking pan.
306
00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,680
Hi. I'm just moving in.
307
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,920
And we're sharing his burden.
Can we come in?
308
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,760
Oh, is that water meant
to be boiling?
309
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,520
Leave the lid on. That's ten minutes
of boiling time I'll never get back.
310
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,440
It doesn't look like anything
is happening.
311
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,480
Something is happening,
boiling is happening.
312
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,480
I'm making pasta. I just wanted to
check that you're still cool about
313
00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,840
living here while I take
the room above the pub?
314
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,080
Said I was, didn't I?
315
00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,520
Yes, but I'm just giving you
a chance to change your mind.
316
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,680
It doesn't make you
feel claustrophobic?
317
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,200
No. It would have to be small
to make me feel like that.
318
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,040
So, you don't mind Andrew sleeping
in your old bed, with no doubt,
319
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,200
the occasional companion.
I'm totally fine with it.
320
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,280
This really has no heat
in it at all, Steven.
321
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,480
Don't you try to baptise me.
Keep those fingers away.
322
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,320
Don't you surreptitiously
baptise me.
323
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,320
I wouldn't do that.
Baptise him Julian, quick.
324
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,840
Fuck off! Save him from the pit,
save him with the pasta water!
325
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:24,400
No! Don't you fucking dare touch me
with your fucking Christ fingers.
326
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,920
Don't you fucking dare!
327
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,240
I can't perform a non-consensual
baptism, Ellen.
328
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,000
I only want to save you, Steven.
I think you'd take to the church.
329
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:32,720
You liked Cubs. I agree with Julian.
330
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,560
Aggravated baptism is a non-runner.
331
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,160
Now, will you all please
leave my lovely home.
332
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,040
I've got to start softening
an onion now if I want to get to bed
333
00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,360
by 2am.
334
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,680
This has disaster written
all over it.
335
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:12,200
Oh, God, Steven, you have to try
the grilled cheese.
336
00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,400
Seb does the best grilled cheese
this side of NYC.
337
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,920
Hey, I'd say it's the best
including NYC.
338
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,840
Yeah, well, I've spent a lot of time
in NYC and maybe you're right.
339
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,280
It's a great town, isn't it?
340
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,160
Central Park, amazing.
341
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,480
Right in the centre there.
342
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:29,440
Greenwich Village, the Brooklyn,
Bronx, Uptown, Downtown, Eastside,
343
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,880
all the sides. You've never been to
New York, have you, Cass?
344
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,480
Not literally, but you can
still feel the vibe.
345
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,880
This is incredible grilled cheese,
Steven, try it.
346
00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,600
It's cheese and bread, Jeff,
how wonderful can it be?
347
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,560
See? It's amazing, isn't it?
348
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,840
How do you make it taste
like it does?
349
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,040
I make my own sourdough
with spelt flour.
350
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,880
Started from a local bakery
that dates back 40 years.
351
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,160
Cheese is a unique sheep's cheddar,
352
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,440
which I make in small batches.
Do you like it?
353
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,720
I quite like cheese on toast,
so I quite like this.
354
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,880
I'm not very hungry though,
I just did a roast in the static.
355
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,520
This is such an amazing
event, Andrew.
356
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,160
Laurie would've loved it.
357
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:14,680
You know, for the first time
since he died, I think...
358
00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,480
..I'm happy.
359
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,240
Oh, thank you.
360
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:20,840
You're welcome.
361
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,760
I say roast, I haven't got an oven,
so I boiled the chicken on the hob.
362
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,120
It took awhile,
but it was cooked through.
363
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,040
Why don't people boil chickens
any more?
364
00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,800
Probably the smell.
365
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:32,880
Tasty, though.
366
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,800
She misses you, you know?
367
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,800
She misses you. You think so?
368
00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,760
I know so.
369
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,360
I sometimes wonder if she...
370
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,400
She can't smell you at night,
that's what it is, so she whines.
371
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,960
Oh, the dog.
372
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,520
Right. It's pitiful. I try to
comfort her,
373
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,560
but I'm no substitute for you.
374
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,920
What the fuck?
375
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,840
Oi! Oi!
376
00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:07,240
Stop that. That's my...
377
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,560
Hang on. What are you doing?
378
00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,080
Toilet. What do you mean, "Toilet"?
This isn't a toilet.
379
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,680
People are using the toilet
in there.
380
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,400
There is a toilet in there,
but this isn't a toilet.
381
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,080
This isn't a public toilet.
382
00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,200
This is my home. You live here?
383
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,040
Yes. In this caravan?
384
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,920
Yes. It's very big.
385
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,360
Come on, on your way.
386
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,280
Move along. There are loos
in the pub.
387
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:28,800
This is someone's home here.
388
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:31,160
Horsefucker. It's very nice inside.
389
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,080
Not any more, mate, looks like
a gift shop at a turd museum.
390
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:40,760
Fuck.
391
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,560
We are so pleased that
so many of you have come today.
392
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,400
Mate.
393
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,840
Tom, hi. Great festival.
394
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,880
Right. Any chance you could
do me a favour?
395
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,880
Sure, go ahead. Al and me, we've
mistimed things.
396
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,960
Got talking to the Welsh dim sum
guy, forgot about the time.
397
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,120
And you know we're er...
Ah, yes.
398
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,800
Her egg timing's gone off.
Ovaries like big satsumas.
399
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:13,040
Need to...
You know, more or less, right now.
400
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,840
No time to get home. Say no more.
401
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,960
Um, go ahead. You use the caravan
for a while.
402
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,440
It might smell a bit of shit
and boiled chicken.
403
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:22,960
I'll make myself scarce.
404
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,480
Actually, you couldn't stay and
keep guard, could you, mate?
405
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,600
I saw some people using it as a
toilet earlier.
406
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,040
We don't need them banging on the
door when we're trying...
407
00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,880
No. Blimey, nightmare.
Of course. Nice one.
408
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,920
Not nice one...
409
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,240
Hi, thanks so much.
410
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,720
No problemo.
Sorry about all the smells.
411
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,040
Cheers, mate, and we'll be quiet.
412
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,840
Well, Alison is pretty quiet
in that regard anyway.
413
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,080
Is she?
414
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:49,040
Isn't she? Anyway, you won't hear
much with the music
415
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,760
and the tractor display
and all that caper. Just a sec.
416
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:02,920
It's great this, isn't it?
417
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,800
It's like all my Christmases
have come at once, Jan.
418
00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:11,120
By which I mean,
enormously disorientating.
419
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,040
LOUD CREAKING AND BANGING
420
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,440
Have you tried the grilled cheese?
421
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,280
Could you maybe leave me alone, Jan?
422
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,400
The festival made a loss.
423
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,240
We actively lost money.
424
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,880
Well, it might not have made
a profit
425
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,040
on your grey spreadsheet,
Alan Sugar.
426
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,560
But it feels like it did
because of the amazing vibe.
427
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,080
It made a profit in good will,
Steven.
428
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:51,560
Let's agree to differ.
429
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,480
What? Agree to differ, mate.
430
00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:57,720
No, you can't. This isn't about
opinions, it's about facts.
431
00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,400
That's everything secured, we'll do
the clear up in the morning.
432
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,480
I'm gonna take myself upstairs
to bed. Brilliant day, Andrew.
433
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,160
Thank you. Yes, fantastic festival.
434
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,880
Top work boy, top work.
435
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,520
Thanks. I fear we might not have
made a literal profit.
436
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,320
Oh, it's only money.
Thanks for your enthusiasm, guys.
437
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,560
Night all. Night-night.
Night!
438
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,360
Right, I'm going to bed too.
439
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:19,760
Goodnight, love.
440
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,440
Your hand's wet. Is it?
441
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,280
Wait, were you... Do you think
you've just baptised me?
442
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,320
No, love.
Because you haven't baptised me.
443
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,280
You have no power to baptise me.
444
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,840
I know, I didn't baptise you.
445
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,560
You go off to bed, love.
I'm not baptised?
446
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:35,840
Of course you're not.
447
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,840
When I die, my brain will be starved
of oxygen,
448
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,720
and everything I am, everything
I've ever thought or felt,
449
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,080
every memory I have, ends forever.
450
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:45,160
Of course it does.
451
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,480
You have a lovely sleep.
452
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:19,240
# You can't judge a book by looking
at the cover
453
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,160
# Can't judge a book
454
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,040
# Can't judge a book
455
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:26,880
# Can't judge a book
456
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,520
# Can't judge a book
457
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,760
# Can't judge a book
458
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,720
# Can't judge a book
459
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:34,360
# Can't judge a book
460
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,240
# Can't judge a book
461
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:37,880
# Can't judge a book
462
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,040
# Can't judge a book
463
00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,160
# Can't judge a book... #