This programme contains strong language and adult humour
DOG WHINES
Oh...
Hello, Maureen, have you shat everywhere?
Smells like you shat everywhere.
Brilliant, a floor made out of dog turd.
Like there's a mental patient on Grand Designs.
Nice to see you here again, Ellen.
He looks tall. Was Jesus quite tall?
No-one knows. They were probably shorter back then, actually.
Well, the medieval people were short,
you could see that from the old doorways, so,
the Jesus time people must've been tiny.
I don't think they were tiny.
I don't mean tiny like Playmobil people, tiny like jockeys,
or those little stocky men who do judo.
I need to get back.
Shall I walk with you part of the way?
I was thinking of having a full English at the cafe.
Oh, naughty.
You won't be getting into heaven.
I actually will. That's pretty much guaranteed.
Access all areas.
Sorry, shit everywhere.
The dogs'.
How is sweet little Maureen, apart from the shit everywhere?
If I wear a surgical mask and latex gloves, and take three Piriton,
my breathing stays fairly normal, so, happy to have her here.
OK, I'm e-mailing you all copies of Laurie's will.
Jeff, is your address still send glenyskinnocktoprison@gmail?
Yeah, JeffNichols was already taken, and JeffNichols1.
NicholsJeff? Might have a chance.
Ellen's going to to be a little late.
she's the executor of the will so she's already familiar with what's in it.
Sorry I'm late. Jeff,
just saw the exhaust on your Volvo was trailing so I did a temporary fix.
Wow, cheers, mate.
And Cass, you know that book we talked about on the architecture of Stuttgart?
Should be on your Kindle. So want to read that.
Amazing Stuttgart in beautiful... Europe.
Sorry, Andrew, but, private family event.
The will, it's core family, just the solid core blood family.
And also, seemingly, Mike.
WHISPERS: Quavers.
Actually, Stephen, Andrew is mentioned in the will.
Yes, Mum asked me to come along.
Hope I'm not treading on any toes.
No, I'm guessing you've been left a table lamp, or something, some pens.
You can sit next to me, Andrew, make sure I don't die of bloody boredom.
How's your B&B? A bit grim?
I've stayed in more depressing places,
but then I did have eight Christmases in care.
Will you be reading the will?
That only happens in films, Jeff.
Oh, go on, please.
You can start with, "I expect you're wondering why I've asked you all here."
That's murder mysteries. We know why she's asked us all here.
And she didn't ask us all here, we all asked her here.
You're determined to suck the fun out of things, aren't you, Stephen?
Sorry, I apologise for sucking the fun out of my dead father's last
wishes, what a fucking buzzkill.
I think Jesus Christ, peace be upon him...
We don't tend to say that - that's the... we just don't say it.
Oh, well, I think Jesus Christ, best wishes be to him,
is the logical next step in my spiritual journey.
Paganism, self-hypnosis,
sprigs of rosemary down your pants will only take you but so far.
You need some red meat with your aduki beans, and that's Jesus.
The church is very pleased to welcome you, Ellen.
I do like the idea of eternal life.
And it's only possible through Christ. Everyone else is damned.
Even a tiny baby is damned to hell if it dies unbaptized.
You could work for 60 years feeding the poor, healing the sick,
giving every ounce of yourself for the service of others,
but unless you accept Christ as your saviour,
you'll burn in agony for all eternity.
And deserve to. You're quite hard-line, aren't you?
There's only one truth, Ellen. I'm not going to lie about it.
What... what about people in remote tribes who don't know about Jesus?
They'll burn, quite rightly.
They know, even the Amazon tribes can get 4G these days.
And will Laurie burn?
Yes, he will.
I bequeath the residue of this business to my beloved wife
Ellen Mae Nichols, a 45% share and my children Stephen Richard Nichols
and Cassandra Leslie Nichols, a 25% share each.
Doesn't that come to 95%?
I make it 105%.
Really?
Maybe not, I switched off since it became clear I'm getting fuck all.
Unless I get that 5%.
To aid with the transition period,
Andrew Thomas Donnelly shall have a 5% stake in the John Barleycorn.
Sorry, everyone.
I was checking in with Julian re lovely Jesus Christ and so on.
I am hugely into Jesus now.
I think he's brilliant.
Mum, Andrew has a share of the business.
5%. Yes, great, isn't it?
Just the shot in the arm this place needs, help clear our debts.
This is so lovely, guys. I'll do whatever I can to help you out.
I'm humbled and I'm proud.
You can't be, they're opposites.
It's like being simultaneously on the moon and not on the moon.
Who the fuck is he anyway?
He claims he lived with us for a matter of months.
I was Dad's proper son for 42 years.
Andrew was a rescue son we temporarily homed.
Yeah, we need to Google the shit out of him.
Try and work out his history.
Me and you, like Cagney and Lacey, or Scott and Bailey.
Or maybe a partnership where one of them is a man?
Yeah. Team Us.
Sorry - is this a bad back thing, the lying on the floor?
No, Tom was here at lunchtime.
We had sex in Graham's office.
It's OK, he's away on a course.
OK. Oh, I'm sorry.
I haven't told you, have I? We're trying for a baby.
Right. Nice one.
No, nice one, who says "nice one"?
After sex I have to lie in this position for a bit to keep all the,
you know... Yeah, I get it. Come up there.
Sure. We've not been lucky yet,
so we think that timing is pretty crucial.
Could you just pass me that cushion?
I've got a very precise ovulation calculator that works more or less to the hour.
Thanks.
Is it Swiss? Not sure.
Anyway, sorry, too much grisly info. No, no.
Oh, are you up for carrying on the Andrew investigation tomorrow evening?
Team Us. Yeah, although at eight o'clock could you remind me
I've got to go home and have sex with Tom?
I'll set an alarm too, but just in case, could you...
My pleasure. Thanks.
We were just saying, Stephen,
how Julian does a lot of drug outreach work.
I work with the sort of people Jesus would have hung out with.
Rabbis and fishermen?
Fringe people, liminal people, guys who are on the edge,
or in the gaps.
I did a lot of voice and movement work with those kind of guys
when I ran an actors' studio in Berlin.
Oh, fucking hell. If you're addicted, you don't have a voice.
You're "I love the drugs!"
But when you gain confidence through voice and movement work, you're like,
"No more drugs for me, thanks!"
It's that different. And sometimes I baptise the guys.
christ is not just in a church,
he's in this pub, he's in a brothel,
in a tree house, Belmarsh prison, and IKEA.
John baptized Christ outdoors in a river.
wherever there's water and the Holy Spirit,
we could baptise those who seek redemption.
Could you baptise me?
Here, now?
Of course.
The Christian community welcomes you with great joy, Ellen.
In its name, I claim you for Christ our saviour,
by the sign of his cross.
Ohhh!
Wow! Go on, I'll have what she's having.
What? Seems like the ideal time to get baptised.
Do you actually believe in God?
Sure. The Christian community welcomes you with great joy, Andrew.
In its name I claim you for Christ our saviour, by the sign of his cross.
Baptizing, is it? Yes.
Brilliant. I'll have a pop. All my sins forgiven, fantastic.
I fucked a load of people over in my time.
And I once broke a security guard's spine, so THIS is an excellent deal!
Stephen, will you be baptized? No, of course I won't!
I don't want to do end up like your dad.
He is burning in the fiery pit of hell, right now.
No, he isn't mum. Dad's not in hell.
Don't upset yourself!
His remains are rotting in a long wicker box.
Seems small when you look around initially.
Very small, but it's deceptively big, isn't it?
Tremendously roomy. Too roomy, almost.
Yeah, can you sign the doc up?
Trevellis Caravans, are you a Cornish company?
No. But you have a love of Cornwall, Trevellis, childhood holidays?
My name is Trevor Ellis.
Ah. Right. Clever.
Clever Trevor.
And, you want another four of these?
Almost certainly, this is just a sample to excite everyone.
Do I get a discount for ordering five?
No.
Ah, good. You got the text.
Welcome to the gold mine.
Five static caravans, in this field, rent them out for holidays,
steady income, clear our debts.
OK. Initially we'd need a septic tank,
but the technology has improved hugely.
Even with the medium-size one.
I worked out that I could personally shit in it until I was 54 and still
not fill it up. Let me give you the tour.
It's very, very small.
You think that when you look at it, but in reality it isn't.
There's no oven? Just a hob?
You could do most things on a hob.
Picture the scene, holiday-makers having a great time locally, seeing
the sights, then back to their spacious static for a slap-up hob-cooked meal.
Do you genuinely like this sort of hutch?
I love it, I would happily live here permanently, it's that good.
Hey, life swap!
If you stay here in hobbit world, Andrew can have your room above the pub.
No, I'm sure Stephen isn't serious about living in this...
Hutch. I am! You can have the stupid room.
You can't fry an egg in a room, can't...wee in a room.
So, what do we think then, about the statics?
I think this is a fantastic idea of Steven's.
I really do. Really?
A superbly, solid, workmanlike way of making some extra money.
Let's get 100% behind this.
I mean, I have had half a thought of my own about the future of the
business, but let's not... What half a thought? I bet it's amazing.
Well, something like...
Wow!
Let's do this! Whatever this is, please let's do it?
We hold a food festival in the field. Come with me.
Pop up street food stalls, an airstream serving great grilled cheese.
Oh, I like a bit of grilled cheese. It's called cheese on toast.
Tents selling local produce. You know, rare breed pulled pork.
A vodka jelly kiosk, raw milk cheeses, a ferris wheel, falconry,
a dim sum workshop, I might be able to get a Spitfire to fly over.
Oh! And we call it the snack and field event.
Brilliant name. It's just a pun!
And we end it with fireworks and a set by Coldplay.
Fucking hell, that sounds amazing! I was joking about that last bit.
Oh. Still, fucking hell, the rest of it still sounds amazing.
Can I just say, raw milk cheeses, you're playing with fire.
They can cause pregnant women to miscarry,
that's a 20 grand lawsuit, minimum. Well, I love this idea.
It's a thrilling and wonderfully exciting idea,
as is Steven's static caravan and septic tank proposal.
But let's try the food festival first.
Only if you're sure, I mean,
I might make a massive cock-up of the whole thing.
You won't, no chance. You're brilliant.
So, I've been doing some Google sleuthing on Andrew today.
I think some of it checks out, but some of it's a bit hazy.
Yes, I've been looking too.
The restaurant stuff seems legit.
Yeah, but it's not clear whether he owned it, or was a manager,
or a waiter or just ate there a lot.
Got your chips and dips.
Thanks. I'll be going to the cash-and-carry in the morning.
Oh. So, if anything occurs to you...
Aw, I'll have a think.
Why, "Aw"?
She just says, "Aw," all the fucking time.
Aw.
Did you notice Andrew's lost 18 months?
No. There's a mystery period.
18 months where Andrew goes completely off the radar.
Nothing about him on the internet for any of that time.
Oh, interesting. Prison?
Maybe. Perhaps he was a drug lord.
No, sentence too short.
An illegal fracker, he's been fracking his through France.
Or, diddling. Serial diddling.
I could look that up. No, your ISP might seem the search terms
and take you for the diddler.
I'll search on mine. Lady diddlers are like hens' teeth.
Hi. We've just been talking about continental paedophiles.
And how the sentences are relatively short.
Right. I wanted to talk very briefly about ferris wheels.
Sure. Do your remember when Dad took us to the fair on the common?
I loved the Ferris wheel.
And so did Dad.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, amazing days.
YOUNG STEVEN VOMITS
Steven!
I love rides. Sometimes being scared can be fun.
Then my entire waking existence is a carnival.
The ferris wheel guy sent these...
Oh, there he is. Excuse me.
You could have a look at that.
His location services will tell you whether
he's been living where he says he has. I don't know. It's...
It's his private information. You don't know if he's a conman.
Quick, he'll look in a second.
Bugger, android.
I don't know how to work android.
Fuck! What? I've taken a picture of myself. Shit. Delete it.
I'm trying to. Shit.
Put it back. Done it, I think. He's coming back.
OK, we can get ourselves a pretty great ferris wheel,
fully insured for an excellent price.
I'm going to do the deal.
Brilliant. Excellent detective work.
We are such an amazing team.
Phenomenal. Interpol should hire us, we'd make millions.
You need to have sex with Tom.
PHONE RINGS Oh, God, yes.
Well remembered.
I saw the time on Andrew's phone.
I'll see you very soon. Good luck!
Good luck. Aw, for fuck's sake Steven, you heinous twat.
Really? Oh, this is going to be such fun.
Come along.
Jesus Christ. The oceans are warming quicker than this fucking pan.
Hi. I'm just moving in.
And we're sharing his burden. Can we come in?
Oh, is that water meant to be boiling?
Leave the lid on. That's ten minutes of boiling time I'll never get back.
It doesn't look like anything is happening.
Something is happening, boiling is happening.
I'm making pasta. I just wanted to check that you're still cool about
living here while I take the room above the pub?
Said I was, didn't I?
Yes, but I'm just giving you a chance to change your mind.
It doesn't make you feel claustrophobic?
No. It would have to be small to make me feel like that.
So, you don't mind Andrew sleeping in your old bed, with no doubt,
the occasional companion. I'm totally fine with it.
This really has no heat in it at all, Steven.
Don't you try to baptise me. Keep those fingers away.
Don't you surreptitiously baptise me.
I wouldn't do that. Baptise him Julian, quick.
Fuck off! Save him from the pit, save him with the pasta water!
No! Don't you fucking dare touch me with your fucking Christ fingers.
Don't you fucking dare!
I can't perform a non-consensual baptism, Ellen.
I only want to save you, Steven. I think you'd take to the church.
You liked Cubs. I agree with Julian.
Aggravated baptism is a non-runner.
Now, will you all please leave my lovely home.
I've got to start softening an onion now if I want to get to bed
by 2am.
This has disaster written all over it.
Oh, God, Steven, you have to try the grilled cheese.
Seb does the best grilled cheese this side of NYC.
Hey, I'd say it's the best including NYC.
Yeah, well, I've spent a lot of time in NYC and maybe you're right.
It's a great town, isn't it?
Central Park, amazing.
Right in the centre there.
Greenwich Village, the Brooklyn, Bronx, Uptown, Downtown, Eastside,
all the sides. You've never been to New York, have you, Cass?
Not literally, but you can still feel the vibe.
This is incredible grilled cheese, Steven, try it.
It's cheese and bread, Jeff, how wonderful can it be?
See? It's amazing, isn't it?
How do you make it taste like it does?
I make my own sourdough with spelt flour.
Started from a local bakery that dates back 40 years.
Cheese is a unique sheep's cheddar,
which I make in small batches. Do you like it?
I quite like cheese on toast, so I quite like this.
I'm not very hungry though, I just did a roast in the static.
This is such an amazing event, Andrew.
Laurie would've loved it.
You know, for the first time since he died, I think...
..I'm happy.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
I say roast, I haven't got an oven, so I boiled the chicken on the hob.
It took awhile, but it was cooked through.
Why don't people boil chickens any more?
Probably the smell.
Tasty, though.
She misses you, you know?
She misses you. You think so?
I know so.
I sometimes wonder if she...
She can't smell you at night, that's what it is, so she whines.
Oh, the dog.
Right. It's pitiful. I try to comfort her,
but I'm no substitute for you.
What the fuck?
Oi! Oi!
Stop that. That's my...
Hang on. What are you doing?
Toilet. What do you mean, "Toilet"? This isn't a toilet.
People are using the toilet in there.
There is a toilet in there, but this isn't a toilet.
This isn't a public toilet.
This is my home. You live here?
Yes. In this caravan?
Yes. It's very big.
Come on, on your way.
Move along. There are loos in the pub.
This is someone's home here.
Horsefucker. It's very nice inside.
Not any more, mate, looks like a gift shop at a turd museum.
Fuck.
We are so pleased that so many of you have come today.
Mate.
Tom, hi. Great festival.
Right. Any chance you could do me a favour?
Sure, go ahead. Al and me, we've mistimed things.
Got talking to the Welsh dim sum guy, forgot about the time.
And you know we're er... Ah, yes.
Her egg timing's gone off. Ovaries like big satsumas.
Need to... You know, more or less, right now.
No time to get home. Say no more.
Um, go ahead. You use the caravan for a while.
It might smell a bit of shit and boiled chicken.
I'll make myself scarce.
Actually, you couldn't stay and keep guard, could you, mate?
I saw some people using it as a toilet earlier.
We don't need them banging on the door when we're trying...
No. Blimey, nightmare. Of course. Nice one.
Not nice one...
Hi, thanks so much.
No problemo. Sorry about all the smells.
Cheers, mate, and we'll be quiet.
Well, Alison is pretty quiet in that regard anyway.
Is she?
Isn't she? Anyway, you won't hear much with the music
and the tractor display and all that caper. Just a sec.
It's great this, isn't it?
It's like all my Christmases have come at once, Jan.
By which I mean, enormously disorientating.
LOUD CREAKING AND BANGING
Have you tried the grilled cheese?
Could you maybe leave me alone, Jan?
The festival made a loss.
We actively lost money.
Well, it might not have made a profit
on your grey spreadsheet, Alan Sugar.
But it feels like it did because of the amazing vibe.
It made a profit in good will, Steven.
Let's agree to differ.
What? Agree to differ, mate.
No, you can't. This isn't about opinions, it's about facts.
That's everything secured, we'll do the clear up in the morning.
I'm gonna take myself upstairs to bed. Brilliant day, Andrew.
Thank you. Yes, fantastic festival.
Top work boy, top work.
Thanks. I fear we might not have made a literal profit.
Oh, it's only money. Thanks for your enthusiasm, guys.
Night all. Night-night. Night!
Right, I'm going to bed too.
Goodnight, love.
Your hand's wet. Is it?
Wait, were you... Do you think you've just baptised me?
No, love. Because you haven't baptised me.
You have no power to baptise me.
I know, I didn't baptise you.
You go off to bed, love. I'm not baptised?
Of course you're not.
When I die, my brain will be starved of oxygen,
and everything I am, everything I've ever thought or felt,
every memory I have, ends forever.
Of course it does.
You have a lovely sleep.
# You can't judge a book by looking at the cover
# Can't judge a book
# Can't judge a book... #