1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:09,960 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:37,720 DOG WHINES 3 00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:39,640 Oh... 4 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,880 Hello, Maureen, have you shat everywhere? 5 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,240 Smells like you shat everywhere. 6 00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:52,200 Brilliant, a floor made out of dog turd. 7 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:54,800 Like there's a mental patient on Grand Designs. 8 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:13,520 Nice to see you here again, Ellen. 9 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,800 He looks tall. Was Jesus quite tall? 10 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:20,000 No-one knows. They were probably shorter back then, actually. 11 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,200 Well, the medieval people were short, 12 00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,480 you could see that from the old doorways, so, 13 00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:26,480 the Jesus time people must've been tiny. 14 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:27,920 I don't think they were tiny. 15 00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:31,320 I don't mean tiny like Playmobil people, tiny like jockeys, 16 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:33,400 or those little stocky men who do judo. 17 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:37,320 I need to get back. 18 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,400 Shall I walk with you part of the way? 19 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,000 I was thinking of having a full English at the cafe. 20 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:43,480 Oh, naughty. 21 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,320 You won't be getting into heaven. 22 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,800 I actually will. That's pretty much guaranteed. 23 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,240 Access all areas. 24 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,320 Sorry, shit everywhere. 25 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,240 The dogs'. 26 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,440 How is sweet little Maureen, apart from the shit everywhere? 27 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:04,480 If I wear a surgical mask and latex gloves, and take three Piriton, 28 00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:08,160 my breathing stays fairly normal, so, happy to have her here. 29 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:11,040 OK, I'm e-mailing you all copies of Laurie's will. 30 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:14,320 Jeff, is your address still send glenyskinnocktoprison@gmail? 31 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:17,360 Yeah, JeffNichols was already taken, and JeffNichols1. 32 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,640 NicholsJeff? Might have a chance. 33 00:02:19,680 --> 00:02:21,400 Ellen's going to to be a little late. 34 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:24,640 she's the executor of the will so she's already familiar with what's in it. 35 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,840 Sorry I'm late. Jeff, 36 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:30,040 just saw the exhaust on your Volvo was trailing so I did a temporary fix. 37 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:31,240 Wow, cheers, mate. 38 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:34,600 And Cass, you know that book we talked about on the architecture of Stuttgart? 39 00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:37,120 Should be on your Kindle. So want to read that. 40 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,560 Amazing Stuttgart in beautiful... Europe. 41 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,280 Sorry, Andrew, but, private family event. 42 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:47,920 The will, it's core family, just the solid core blood family. 43 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,680 And also, seemingly, Mike. 44 00:02:49,720 --> 00:02:51,280 WHISPERS: Quavers. 45 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:54,400 Actually, Stephen, Andrew is mentioned in the will. 46 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,960 Yes, Mum asked me to come along. 47 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,160 Hope I'm not treading on any toes. 48 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:03,040 No, I'm guessing you've been left a table lamp, or something, some pens. 49 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:11,680 You can sit next to me, Andrew, make sure I don't die of bloody boredom. 50 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:14,080 How's your B&B? A bit grim? 51 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,360 I've stayed in more depressing places, 52 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:19,080 but then I did have eight Christmases in care. 53 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,360 Will you be reading the will? 54 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,960 That only happens in films, Jeff. 55 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:23,280 Oh, go on, please. 56 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,320 You can start with, "I expect you're wondering why I've asked you all here." 57 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:29,320 That's murder mysteries. We know why she's asked us all here. 58 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:32,080 And she didn't ask us all here, we all asked her here. 59 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:35,120 You're determined to suck the fun out of things, aren't you, Stephen? 60 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:38,880 Sorry, I apologise for sucking the fun out of my dead father's last 61 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,440 wishes, what a fucking buzzkill. 62 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,760 I think Jesus Christ, peace be upon him... 63 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:50,320 We don't tend to say that - that's the... we just don't say it. 64 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:54,760 Oh, well, I think Jesus Christ, best wishes be to him, 65 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:58,440 is the logical next step in my spiritual journey. 66 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:01,000 Paganism, self-hypnosis, 67 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:04,440 sprigs of rosemary down your pants will only take you but so far. 68 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:09,040 You need some red meat with your aduki beans, and that's Jesus. 69 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,480 The church is very pleased to welcome you, Ellen. 70 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,520 I do like the idea of eternal life. 71 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,960 And it's only possible through Christ. Everyone else is damned. 72 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:20,680 Even a tiny baby is damned to hell if it dies unbaptized. 73 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:24,120 You could work for 60 years feeding the poor, healing the sick, 74 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:27,520 giving every ounce of yourself for the service of others, 75 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:29,520 but unless you accept Christ as your saviour, 76 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:32,360 you'll burn in agony for all eternity. 77 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:35,240 And deserve to. You're quite hard-line, aren't you? 78 00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:37,960 There's only one truth, Ellen. I'm not going to lie about it. 79 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:41,880 What... what about people in remote tribes who don't know about Jesus? 80 00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:44,280 They'll burn, quite rightly. 81 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,800 They know, even the Amazon tribes can get 4G these days. 82 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,520 And will Laurie burn? 83 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:51,520 Yes, he will. 84 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,600 I bequeath the residue of this business to my beloved wife 85 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:59,040 Ellen Mae Nichols, a 45% share and my children Stephen Richard Nichols 86 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:03,160 and Cassandra Leslie Nichols, a 25% share each. 87 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:04,840 Doesn't that come to 95%? 88 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:06,240 I make it 105%. 89 00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:07,880 Really? 90 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,440 Maybe not, I switched off since it became clear I'm getting fuck all. 91 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:12,560 Unless I get that 5%. 92 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,000 To aid with the transition period, 93 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,840 Andrew Thomas Donnelly shall have a 5% stake in the John Barleycorn. 94 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,360 Sorry, everyone. 95 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:23,080 I was checking in with Julian re lovely Jesus Christ and so on. 96 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:26,360 I am hugely into Jesus now. 97 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:27,920 I think he's brilliant. 98 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,200 Mum, Andrew has a share of the business. 99 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,440 5%. Yes, great, isn't it? 100 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,920 Just the shot in the arm this place needs, help clear our debts. 101 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:39,040 This is so lovely, guys. I'll do whatever I can to help you out. 102 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,480 I'm humbled and I'm proud. 103 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,720 You can't be, they're opposites. 104 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:47,320 It's like being simultaneously on the moon and not on the moon. 105 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:53,200 Who the fuck is he anyway? 106 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:55,480 He claims he lived with us for a matter of months. 107 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,360 I was Dad's proper son for 42 years. 108 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,280 Andrew was a rescue son we temporarily homed. 109 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,440 Yeah, we need to Google the shit out of him. 110 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,320 Try and work out his history. 111 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,800 Me and you, like Cagney and Lacey, or Scott and Bailey. 112 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:09,360 Or maybe a partnership where one of them is a man? 113 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,480 Yeah. Team Us. 114 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:14,480 Sorry - is this a bad back thing, the lying on the floor? 115 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,320 No, Tom was here at lunchtime. 116 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:18,040 We had sex in Graham's office. 117 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,520 It's OK, he's away on a course. 118 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:20,680 OK. Oh, I'm sorry. 119 00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:23,680 I haven't told you, have I? We're trying for a baby. 120 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,640 Right. Nice one. 121 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,840 No, nice one, who says "nice one"? 122 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:31,640 After sex I have to lie in this position for a bit to keep all the, 123 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:33,560 you know... Yeah, I get it. Come up there. 124 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,320 Sure. We've not been lucky yet, 125 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,760 so we think that timing is pretty crucial. 126 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,000 Could you just pass me that cushion? 127 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:44,680 I've got a very precise ovulation calculator that works more or less to the hour. 128 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:45,880 Thanks. 129 00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,320 Is it Swiss? Not sure. 130 00:06:48,320 --> 00:06:50,960 Anyway, sorry, too much grisly info. No, no. 131 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,360 Oh, are you up for carrying on the Andrew investigation tomorrow evening? 132 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:57,120 Team Us. Yeah, although at eight o'clock could you remind me 133 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,520 I've got to go home and have sex with Tom? 134 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,760 I'll set an alarm too, but just in case, could you... 135 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,040 My pleasure. Thanks. 136 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:14,920 We were just saying, Stephen, 137 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,960 how Julian does a lot of drug outreach work. 138 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,240 I work with the sort of people Jesus would have hung out with. 139 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:21,920 Rabbis and fishermen? 140 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,160 Fringe people, liminal people, guys who are on the edge, 141 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,160 or in the gaps. 142 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,040 I did a lot of voice and movement work with those kind of guys 143 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,920 when I ran an actors' studio in Berlin. 144 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,880 Oh, fucking hell. If you're addicted, you don't have a voice. 145 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:37,160 You're "I love the drugs!" 146 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,680 But when you gain confidence through voice and movement work, you're like, 147 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:42,760 "No more drugs for me, thanks!" 148 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,680 It's that different. And sometimes I baptise the guys. 149 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:47,400 christ is not just in a church, 150 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:49,640 he's in this pub, he's in a brothel, 151 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:52,480 in a tree house, Belmarsh prison, and IKEA. 152 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,680 John baptized Christ outdoors in a river. 153 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,680 wherever there's water and the Holy Spirit, 154 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:58,920 we could baptise those who seek redemption. 155 00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,240 Could you baptise me? 156 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,320 Here, now? 157 00:08:01,360 --> 00:08:02,360 Of course. 158 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,040 The Christian community welcomes you with great joy, Ellen. 159 00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:12,720 In its name, I claim you for Christ our saviour, 160 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,360 by the sign of his cross. 161 00:08:16,720 --> 00:08:17,880 Ohhh! 162 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,360 Wow! Go on, I'll have what she's having. 163 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,080 What? Seems like the ideal time to get baptised. 164 00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,760 Do you actually believe in God? 165 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,480 Sure. The Christian community welcomes you with great joy, Andrew. 166 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:33,240 In its name I claim you for Christ our saviour, by the sign of his cross. 167 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,640 Baptizing, is it? Yes. 168 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:40,840 Brilliant. I'll have a pop. All my sins forgiven, fantastic. 169 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,760 I fucked a load of people over in my time. 170 00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:47,360 And I once broke a security guard's spine, so THIS is an excellent deal! 171 00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:51,480 Stephen, will you be baptized? No, of course I won't! 172 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:53,440 I don't want to do end up like your dad. 173 00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:56,320 He is burning in the fiery pit of hell, right now. 174 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,680 No, he isn't mum. Dad's not in hell. 175 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:00,200 Don't upset yourself! 176 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,720 His remains are rotting in a long wicker box. 177 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,760 Seems small when you look around initially. 178 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:10,120 Very small, but it's deceptively big, isn't it? 179 00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:13,200 Tremendously roomy. Too roomy, almost. 180 00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,160 Yeah, can you sign the doc up? 181 00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,320 Trevellis Caravans, are you a Cornish company? 182 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:22,840 No. But you have a love of Cornwall, Trevellis, childhood holidays? 183 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,160 My name is Trevor Ellis. 184 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,560 Ah. Right. Clever. 185 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,400 Clever Trevor. 186 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:31,360 And, you want another four of these? 187 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:35,440 Almost certainly, this is just a sample to excite everyone. 188 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,480 Do I get a discount for ordering five? 189 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:38,920 No. 190 00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:43,240 Ah, good. You got the text. 191 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:44,760 Welcome to the gold mine. 192 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:49,080 Five static caravans, in this field, rent them out for holidays, 193 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,360 steady income, clear our debts. 194 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:54,000 OK. Initially we'd need a septic tank, 195 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:56,360 but the technology has improved hugely. 196 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:57,960 Even with the medium-size one. 197 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,320 I worked out that I could personally shit in it until I was 54 and still 198 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,920 not fill it up. Let me give you the tour. 199 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:09,720 It's very, very small. 200 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:12,960 You think that when you look at it, but in reality it isn't. 201 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,240 There's no oven? Just a hob? 202 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,160 You could do most things on a hob. 203 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:21,200 Picture the scene, holiday-makers having a great time locally, seeing 204 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:26,800 the sights, then back to their spacious static for a slap-up hob-cooked meal. 205 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:30,160 Do you genuinely like this sort of hutch? 206 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:34,080 I love it, I would happily live here permanently, it's that good. 207 00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,200 Hey, life swap! 208 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:40,760 If you stay here in hobbit world, Andrew can have your room above the pub. 209 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:44,920 No, I'm sure Stephen isn't serious about living in this... 210 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:49,280 Hutch. I am! You can have the stupid room. 211 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:53,440 You can't fry an egg in a room, can't...wee in a room. 212 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:57,280 So, what do we think then, about the statics? 213 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,280 I think this is a fantastic idea of Steven's. 214 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:02,520 I really do. Really? 215 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:06,320 A superbly, solid, workmanlike way of making some extra money. 216 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,120 Let's get 100% behind this. 217 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,960 I mean, I have had half a thought of my own about the future of the 218 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,880 business, but let's not... What half a thought? I bet it's amazing. 219 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,760 Well, something like... 220 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,880 Wow! 221 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:25,160 Let's do this! Whatever this is, please let's do it? 222 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,120 We hold a food festival in the field. Come with me. 223 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:34,040 Pop up street food stalls, an airstream serving great grilled cheese. 224 00:11:34,080 --> 00:11:37,480 Oh, I like a bit of grilled cheese. It's called cheese on toast. 225 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:40,920 Tents selling local produce. You know, rare breed pulled pork. 226 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:45,400 A vodka jelly kiosk, raw milk cheeses, a ferris wheel, falconry, 227 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:49,880 a dim sum workshop, I might be able to get a Spitfire to fly over. 228 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,800 Oh! And we call it the snack and field event. 229 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,880 Brilliant name. It's just a pun! 230 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:57,480 And we end it with fireworks and a set by Coldplay. 231 00:11:57,520 --> 00:12:01,400 Fucking hell, that sounds amazing! I was joking about that last bit. 232 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:05,400 Oh. Still, fucking hell, the rest of it still sounds amazing. 233 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:08,800 Can I just say, raw milk cheeses, you're playing with fire. 234 00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,280 They can cause pregnant women to miscarry, 235 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:15,240 that's a 20 grand lawsuit, minimum. Well, I love this idea. 236 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:18,080 It's a thrilling and wonderfully exciting idea, 237 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,040 as is Steven's static caravan and septic tank proposal. 238 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:22,920 But let's try the food festival first. 239 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,680 Only if you're sure, I mean, 240 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:27,440 I might make a massive cock-up of the whole thing. 241 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,160 You won't, no chance. You're brilliant. 242 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,320 So, I've been doing some Google sleuthing on Andrew today. 243 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,960 I think some of it checks out, but some of it's a bit hazy. 244 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,400 Yes, I've been looking too. 245 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,680 The restaurant stuff seems legit. 246 00:12:51,720 --> 00:12:54,560 Yeah, but it's not clear whether he owned it, or was a manager, 247 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,400 or a waiter or just ate there a lot. 248 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:57,720 Got your chips and dips. 249 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,560 Thanks. I'll be going to the cash-and-carry in the morning. 250 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,280 Oh. So, if anything occurs to you... 251 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:04,720 Aw, I'll have a think. 252 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:08,000 Why, "Aw"? 253 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,400 She just says, "Aw," all the fucking time. 254 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,120 Aw. 255 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:14,280 Did you notice Andrew's lost 18 months? 256 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,720 No. There's a mystery period. 257 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:19,240 18 months where Andrew goes completely off the radar. 258 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,920 Nothing about him on the internet for any of that time. 259 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,600 Oh, interesting. Prison? 260 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:26,040 Maybe. Perhaps he was a drug lord. 261 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:27,760 No, sentence too short. 262 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:31,320 An illegal fracker, he's been fracking his through France. 263 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,120 Or, diddling. Serial diddling. 264 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:35,560 I could look that up. No, your ISP might seem the search terms 265 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,080 and take you for the diddler. 266 00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,280 I'll search on mine. Lady diddlers are like hens' teeth. 267 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:44,400 Hi. We've just been talking about continental paedophiles. 268 00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,600 And how the sentences are relatively short. 269 00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:51,320 Right. I wanted to talk very briefly about ferris wheels. 270 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,000 Sure. Do your remember when Dad took us to the fair on the common? 271 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,600 I loved the Ferris wheel. 272 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,200 And so did Dad. 273 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:00,320 LAUGHTER 274 00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,680 Yeah, amazing days. 275 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:07,960 YOUNG STEVEN VOMITS 276 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:10,600 Steven! 277 00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:15,120 I love rides. Sometimes being scared can be fun. 278 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:17,800 Then my entire waking existence is a carnival. 279 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,960 The ferris wheel guy sent these... 280 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,400 Oh, there he is. Excuse me. 281 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,080 You could have a look at that. 282 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,000 His location services will tell you whether 283 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:28,480 he's been living where he says he has. I don't know. It's... 284 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:31,160 It's his private information. You don't know if he's a conman. 285 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:32,920 Quick, he'll look in a second. 286 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,320 Bugger, android. 287 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:35,840 I don't know how to work android. 288 00:14:35,880 --> 00:14:39,080 Fuck! What? I've taken a picture of myself. Shit. Delete it. 289 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,800 I'm trying to. Shit. 290 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:43,000 Put it back. Done it, I think. He's coming back. 291 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:45,480 OK, we can get ourselves a pretty great ferris wheel, 292 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,640 fully insured for an excellent price. 293 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:48,880 I'm going to do the deal. 294 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:51,960 Brilliant. Excellent detective work. 295 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,840 We are such an amazing team. 296 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,240 Phenomenal. Interpol should hire us, we'd make millions. 297 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:02,880 You need to have sex with Tom. 298 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:05,040 PHONE RINGS Oh, God, yes. 299 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,840 Well remembered. 300 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,600 I saw the time on Andrew's phone. 301 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,320 I'll see you very soon. Good luck! 302 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,840 Good luck. Aw, for fuck's sake Steven, you heinous twat. 303 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:22,960 Really? Oh, this is going to be such fun. 304 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,000 Come along. 305 00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:31,240 Jesus Christ. The oceans are warming quicker than this fucking pan. 306 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:34,680 Hi. I'm just moving in. 307 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,920 And we're sharing his burden. Can we come in? 308 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,760 Oh, is that water meant to be boiling? 309 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:46,520 Leave the lid on. That's ten minutes of boiling time I'll never get back. 310 00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:48,440 It doesn't look like anything is happening. 311 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,480 Something is happening, boiling is happening. 312 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,480 I'm making pasta. I just wanted to check that you're still cool about 313 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:55,840 living here while I take the room above the pub? 314 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,080 Said I was, didn't I? 315 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,520 Yes, but I'm just giving you a chance to change your mind. 316 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,680 It doesn't make you feel claustrophobic? 317 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,200 No. It would have to be small to make me feel like that. 318 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,040 So, you don't mind Andrew sleeping in your old bed, with no doubt, 319 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,200 the occasional companion. I'm totally fine with it. 320 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,280 This really has no heat in it at all, Steven. 321 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,480 Don't you try to baptise me. Keep those fingers away. 322 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:16,320 Don't you surreptitiously baptise me. 323 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,320 I wouldn't do that. Baptise him Julian, quick. 324 00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,840 Fuck off! Save him from the pit, save him with the pasta water! 325 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:24,400 No! Don't you fucking dare touch me with your fucking Christ fingers. 326 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,920 Don't you fucking dare! 327 00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:28,240 I can't perform a non-consensual baptism, Ellen. 328 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,000 I only want to save you, Steven. I think you'd take to the church. 329 00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:32,720 You liked Cubs. I agree with Julian. 330 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,560 Aggravated baptism is a non-runner. 331 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:38,160 Now, will you all please leave my lovely home. 332 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,040 I've got to start softening an onion now if I want to get to bed 333 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,360 by 2am. 334 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,680 This has disaster written all over it. 335 00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:12,200 Oh, God, Steven, you have to try the grilled cheese. 336 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,400 Seb does the best grilled cheese this side of NYC. 337 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,920 Hey, I'd say it's the best including NYC. 338 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,840 Yeah, well, I've spent a lot of time in NYC and maybe you're right. 339 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,280 It's a great town, isn't it? 340 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,160 Central Park, amazing. 341 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:24,480 Right in the centre there. 342 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:29,440 Greenwich Village, the Brooklyn, Bronx, Uptown, Downtown, Eastside, 343 00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,880 all the sides. You've never been to New York, have you, Cass? 344 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:34,480 Not literally, but you can still feel the vibe. 345 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,880 This is incredible grilled cheese, Steven, try it. 346 00:17:36,920 --> 00:17:39,600 It's cheese and bread, Jeff, how wonderful can it be? 347 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:47,560 See? It's amazing, isn't it? 348 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,840 How do you make it taste like it does? 349 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,040 I make my own sourdough with spelt flour. 350 00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,880 Started from a local bakery that dates back 40 years. 351 00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,160 Cheese is a unique sheep's cheddar, 352 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,440 which I make in small batches. Do you like it? 353 00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,720 I quite like cheese on toast, so I quite like this. 354 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,880 I'm not very hungry though, I just did a roast in the static. 355 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,520 This is such an amazing event, Andrew. 356 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,160 Laurie would've loved it. 357 00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:14,680 You know, for the first time since he died, I think... 358 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,480 ..I'm happy. 359 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:19,240 Oh, thank you. 360 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:20,840 You're welcome. 361 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,760 I say roast, I haven't got an oven, so I boiled the chicken on the hob. 362 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,120 It took awhile, but it was cooked through. 363 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,040 Why don't people boil chickens any more? 364 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,800 Probably the smell. 365 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:32,880 Tasty, though. 366 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,800 She misses you, you know? 367 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:48,800 She misses you. You think so? 368 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,760 I know so. 369 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,360 I sometimes wonder if she... 370 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,400 She can't smell you at night, that's what it is, so she whines. 371 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,960 Oh, the dog. 372 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,520 Right. It's pitiful. I try to comfort her, 373 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:01,560 but I'm no substitute for you. 374 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,920 What the fuck? 375 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,840 Oi! Oi! 376 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:07,240 Stop that. That's my... 377 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,560 Hang on. What are you doing? 378 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,080 Toilet. What do you mean, "Toilet"? This isn't a toilet. 379 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,680 People are using the toilet in there. 380 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,400 There is a toilet in there, but this isn't a toilet. 381 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,080 This isn't a public toilet. 382 00:19:18,120 --> 00:19:20,200 This is my home. You live here? 383 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,040 Yes. In this caravan? 384 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,920 Yes. It's very big. 385 00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:25,360 Come on, on your way. 386 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,280 Move along. There are loos in the pub. 387 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:28,800 This is someone's home here. 388 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:31,160 Horsefucker. It's very nice inside. 389 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,080 Not any more, mate, looks like a gift shop at a turd museum. 390 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:40,760 Fuck. 391 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:47,560 We are so pleased that so many of you have come today. 392 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,400 Mate. 393 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,840 Tom, hi. Great festival. 394 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,880 Right. Any chance you could do me a favour? 395 00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,880 Sure, go ahead. Al and me, we've mistimed things. 396 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,960 Got talking to the Welsh dim sum guy, forgot about the time. 397 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,120 And you know we're er... Ah, yes. 398 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:09,800 Her egg timing's gone off. Ovaries like big satsumas. 399 00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:13,040 Need to... You know, more or less, right now. 400 00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:14,840 No time to get home. Say no more. 401 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,960 Um, go ahead. You use the caravan for a while. 402 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,440 It might smell a bit of shit and boiled chicken. 403 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:22,960 I'll make myself scarce. 404 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,480 Actually, you couldn't stay and keep guard, could you, mate? 405 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,600 I saw some people using it as a toilet earlier. 406 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,040 We don't need them banging on the door when we're trying... 407 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:32,880 No. Blimey, nightmare. Of course. Nice one. 408 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,920 Not nice one... 409 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:36,240 Hi, thanks so much. 410 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,720 No problemo. Sorry about all the smells. 411 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,040 Cheers, mate, and we'll be quiet. 412 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,840 Well, Alison is pretty quiet in that regard anyway. 413 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,080 Is she? 414 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:49,040 Isn't she? Anyway, you won't hear much with the music 415 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,760 and the tractor display and all that caper. Just a sec. 416 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:02,920 It's great this, isn't it? 417 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,800 It's like all my Christmases have come at once, Jan. 418 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:11,120 By which I mean, enormously disorientating. 419 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:14,040 LOUD CREAKING AND BANGING 420 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,440 Have you tried the grilled cheese? 421 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,280 Could you maybe leave me alone, Jan? 422 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,400 The festival made a loss. 423 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:41,240 We actively lost money. 424 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,880 Well, it might not have made a profit 425 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:45,040 on your grey spreadsheet, Alan Sugar. 426 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,560 But it feels like it did because of the amazing vibe. 427 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,080 It made a profit in good will, Steven. 428 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:51,560 Let's agree to differ. 429 00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:53,480 What? Agree to differ, mate. 430 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:57,720 No, you can't. This isn't about opinions, it's about facts. 431 00:21:57,760 --> 00:22:00,400 That's everything secured, we'll do the clear up in the morning. 432 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:03,480 I'm gonna take myself upstairs to bed. Brilliant day, Andrew. 433 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:06,160 Thank you. Yes, fantastic festival. 434 00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,880 Top work boy, top work. 435 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:11,520 Thanks. I fear we might not have made a literal profit. 436 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,320 Oh, it's only money. Thanks for your enthusiasm, guys. 437 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,560 Night all. Night-night. Night! 438 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,360 Right, I'm going to bed too. 439 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:19,760 Goodnight, love. 440 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,440 Your hand's wet. Is it? 441 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,280 Wait, were you... Do you think you've just baptised me? 442 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,320 No, love. Because you haven't baptised me. 443 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,280 You have no power to baptise me. 444 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:31,840 I know, I didn't baptise you. 445 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,560 You go off to bed, love. I'm not baptised? 446 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:35,840 Of course you're not. 447 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,840 When I die, my brain will be starved of oxygen, 448 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,720 and everything I am, everything I've ever thought or felt, 449 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:44,080 every memory I have, ends forever. 450 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:45,160 Of course it does. 451 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,480 You have a lovely sleep. 452 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:19,240 # You can't judge a book by looking at the cover 453 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,160 # Can't judge a book 454 00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:25,040 # Can't judge a book 455 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:26,880 # Can't judge a book 456 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:28,520 # Can't judge a book 457 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:30,760 # Can't judge a book 458 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:32,720 # Can't judge a book 459 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:34,360 # Can't judge a book 460 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:36,240 # Can't judge a book 461 00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:37,880 # Can't judge a book 462 00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:40,040 # Can't judge a book 463 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,160 # Can't judge a book... #