1 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:06,840 This programme contains very strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,520 Jaffa Cake, Jaffa Cake, baker's man... 3 00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:13,240 Did the Jaffa Cake guys come up with that 4 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,760 or did the rhyme precede the invention of Jaffa Cakes? 5 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,760 It's "pat-a-cake". Fuck off! 6 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,200 It is. Pat-a-cake? 7 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:22,200 That doesn't make sense. You don't pat a cake. 8 00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:23,840 "Good cake. Well done, cake." 9 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:24,960 It's a nursery rhyme. 10 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,880 It'll be something to do with the plague, they always are. 11 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,240 Is everything all right? 12 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,200 Do you want to fuck Mike and Jan? 13 00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,280 Why? What have they said? No, just objectively. 14 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,040 Do you want to fuck them when you see them? 15 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,640 No. But I'm not really a "fuck on sight" kind of guy. 16 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:44,160 I think you should want to fuck bar staff. 17 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,720 You come in, you see them, want to fuck them, 18 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,120 and then you buy more drinks cos you want to be around them. 19 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:50,560 Does this apply in all retail? 20 00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,360 Should I want to fuck Fat Chris at the Londis? 21 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,600 Would I buy more milk? 22 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,600 Probably. More fuckable staff could increase footfall. 23 00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,560 You know Q3 footfall is down. 24 00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,960 What's down? Footfall in the pub. 25 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,040 Brilliant. 26 00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,680 Do you think footfall means people tripping over? 27 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:06,720 No. 28 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:11,040 Let's be careful how we alter the Barleycorn experience. 29 00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,720 It's grown organically over many years. 30 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,120 This is a pub, not a YouTube channel. 31 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,320 It just seemed better when I was fostered here. 32 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:20,720 Permanently packed out. 33 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,120 A Golden Age... 34 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:25,560 MUSIC AND LAUGHTER 35 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,360 I'm not sure about golden... 36 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,120 HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS 37 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,440 I just think the place needs a fresh look. 38 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,080 Some visual Viagra. 39 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,240 No. We just have to keep providing people 40 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,280 with the chemicals that stop "the feeling". 41 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,680 As long as we help keep "the feeling" at bay, 42 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:55,000 we're doing our job. 43 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,440 Geoff, you like Mike and Jan, don't you? 44 00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,560 From Bucks Fizz? Our bar staff. 45 00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,040 Oh, yeah. I love them. 46 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,560 Yeah. Could you maybe be more vocal in your praise? 47 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,800 Andrew doesn't think they're fuckable enough. 48 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,720 Apparently, everything's got to be sexy now. 49 00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,000 They use sex to sell everything these days, don't they? 50 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,280 Perfume, cars, condoms... 51 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:17,600 Very true. 52 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,560 Lube, that's another one. 53 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,120 It just might be interesting to see if we can get a new crowd in. 54 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:30,280 I agree. 55 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,960 Oh, Cass. Dad's sports jacket. 56 00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,200 Cancer Research Shop? Hospice Care Shop? 57 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,720 It's quite hipstery, actually. 58 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:38,920 So cancer. Yep, cancer has a younger vibe. 59 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:43,040 We shouldn't fix things if they ain't, or aren't, broke... 60 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,080 ..n. 61 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,600 You change personnel at your peril. 62 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:46,960 Look at Spooks. 63 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,800 Well, as a semi-Buddhist, I believe all change is good. 64 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,400 Our atoms completely change each year, Stephen. 65 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,200 All of the atoms in our bodies. 66 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,320 That's science. 67 00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:58,000 All of the atoms that make up our bodies completely change 68 00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,520 each year? Uh-huh. Every single atom? 69 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,600 Yes, they do. What about tattoos? 70 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,400 So, any of your signature brainwaves, Andrew? 71 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,040 I think, first and foremost, 72 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,040 the John Barleycorn needs to look like an authentic country pub. 73 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,520 Great, it already does. 74 00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,280 Because it is an authentic country pub. 75 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:14,960 But it doesn't LOOK authentic. 76 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,120 Yes, forgive my pressing this point 77 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,080 but it's authentic because it is what it is. Do you see? 78 00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:23,480 And to me, something actually being authentic is more authentic than 79 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,200 something fake that looks authentic. 80 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,760 N-yeah... I can see what Andrew's getting at. 81 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,240 Of course you can. 82 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,840 Just imagine - refectory tables, reclaimed church pews, 83 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,640 old mismatched wooden library chairs painted white. 84 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:38,640 Distressed and old-fashioned is attractive. 85 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,880 I'm distressed and old-fashioned and I haven't had sex in 22 months. 86 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,760 Look, we've just had a refurb and it cost a lot. 87 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,920 We can't just defurb the refurb. 88 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,800 We could just do the snug in Andrew's style as a test. 89 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,920 I could get that done for under £500. 90 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,480 Mates in the trade. I knew you'd have mates in the trade. 91 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,600 You're such a mates-in-the-trade kind of guy. 92 00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,040 Do you want to help me out? You look like you've got a good eye. 93 00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,240 Do I? Thanks. 94 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,720 Yeah. I'd love to. 95 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,320 Cass? Looks a bit cancery? 96 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,040 Oh, yes. That's pure cancer. 97 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,720 Could I...try that on? 98 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:08,880 Ooh. 99 00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,000 That wouldn't be weird, would it? 100 00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:13,160 No. 101 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,480 It could've been made for you. 102 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:29,440 Stephen, would you rather have it? 103 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,480 I'm not sure Dad's clothes fit me. 104 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,360 Oh, Mike, you got my...? 105 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:39,520 Oh, God, yeah, of course. 106 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,760 Sorry, Geoff. There you go. 107 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,160 Cheers. What's that? It's Geoff's float. 108 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,160 It's my float. What do you mean "float"? 109 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:47,880 For sundries and incidentals, you know. 110 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,280 You mean for the pub? 111 00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:53,400 No. You just get a fiver from the till for your...sundries? 112 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:56,200 Packet of mints, batteries, pens... Odds and sods, you know. 113 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,280 You get this every day? 114 00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,320 Yeah. And how long has this been happening? 115 00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:00,920 Mike? Six years? 116 00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,000 About six years. Why have I never known about this? 117 00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,360 I've hidden it from you. I thought you'd get cross. 118 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,480 Your dad was fine with it. I'm not fine with it. 119 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:09,400 Precisely why I hid my behaviour. 120 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,040 QED, Stephen. 121 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,480 Oh, Mike... What is it, boss man? 122 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:16,680 I just want to say to you now, Mike, 123 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,840 that you are so fuckable. 124 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,600 Right. Thanks, Geoff. 125 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:25,280 Geoff, this isn't what... I would happily give you a big old fuck. 126 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:28,800 You've got a big fuckable face and I would cheerfully bend you 127 00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:32,160 over this bar and fuck you in every available hole. 128 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,600 Stop, now, Geoff! This is too much. 129 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:34,880 No, I'm getting into it. 130 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,080 Do you want to know what hole I'd start with? 131 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:38,120 CAMERA CLICKS 132 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:42,080 So, is Operation Snug going to be possible? A boutique makeover? 133 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,280 Absolutely. 134 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,400 Stephen's brilliant refurb was a great first step on a journey 135 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,800 which may take us in a completely different direction. 136 00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:49,880 Excellent. 137 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,520 We've got some UMCs on table six. 138 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:52,880 UMCs? 139 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,560 Unreasonable Moaning Cunts. 140 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,560 Hospitality slang. I thought you'd worked in restaurants? 141 00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,760 What's the make-up? One couple and a floating single. 142 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,520 They said the lamb was too well done, the broccoli was "limp" 143 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,920 and the gravy was granules. Was the gravy granules? 144 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,200 The gravy was granules, yes. 145 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,640 Target the single, they're weaker. Copy that. 146 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,080 I'm so sorry that there's been a problem with your food. 147 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,840 Thank you, no, that's... Do you think a meal is about eating food? 148 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:19,280 I tend to, yes. 149 00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:22,040 Very telling. A meal is also about service and ambience, 150 00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,720 both of which have been appalling. 151 00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:25,560 Appalling?! Do you use gravy granules? 152 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:26,720 Never! That's a lie. 153 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:27,760 OK, wait a second... 154 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,960 Erm, friendly bit of advice - eat elsewhere. 155 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,520 Food is poor, the service is poor. 156 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,320 Hey! Can you stop saying that? 157 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:34,400 This isn't North Korea. 158 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,960 We have free speech and TripAdvisor accounts, 159 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,080 as you'll soon learn. 160 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:40,360 Come on! 161 00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:44,920 Now, this pew... 162 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,720 I know... ..we really don't want. 163 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:47,760 No. God, no. 164 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,680 Look at it. Piece of shit. 165 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,360 That is the opposite of what we want. 166 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,560 I mean, it's a pew, sure, but it says "bench". 167 00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:57,400 We want a pew that...screams "pew". 168 00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,200 I love that one! 169 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,920 You really do have a good eye. I'm actually an artist. 170 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,080 I photograph, I paint, I collage. 171 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,120 I did a term at art school in London but...it wasn't for me. 172 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,720 They created boundaries. 173 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,040 It was all technique and competence and being able to draw horses. 174 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,360 Little boxes. No, big horses. 175 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,080 No, I meant they want to put everyone in little boxes. 176 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,960 "You're a painter, you're a plumber, you're gay, you're straight..." 177 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,240 Exactly. 178 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:25,320 "You're black, you're white, you can drive, you can't drive..." 179 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,800 I love this pew. It's a great pew. 180 00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:37,160 Could I see some of your art? 181 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,040 Oh, wow. Of course. 182 00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,200 Mum says it's quite challenging. 183 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:43,440 Oh, I like a challenge. 184 00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,560 Right, shall we have a look for some library chairs? 185 00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:47,800 Yes. I love this. 186 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:48,840 This is brilliant. 187 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,120 Are you all right, Stephen? 188 00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,120 Yeah... Yes. 189 00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,920 Sorry. It's just... 190 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,680 that jacket smells of Dad. 191 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,480 Just got a bit of a... Oh, yes. 192 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,080 Oh! 193 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,320 That is Laurie. 194 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,200 Do you want to...? 195 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:19,720 I'm fine. 196 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:24,600 Andrew and I were having some more thoughts about the pub. 197 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,760 Like free peanuts on all the tables. 198 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,040 Why stop there? 199 00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:31,240 What about a charcuterie platter and a huge free goose? 200 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:32,480 This isn't a food bank. 201 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,320 Peanuts are tramp bait. They'll just turn up for the salt. 202 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,440 Also, ketchup in bowls? 203 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,600 I totally see why you have sachets. 204 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,680 They're fun and kitsch and have that tacky Blackpool vibe 205 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,200 and it's great to play that note. It isn't a note. 206 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,280 We've got a cupboard full of thousands of sachets. 207 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:49,400 We need to use them up. 208 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:52,360 We can't just chuck ketchup away. We're not the Borgias. 209 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,520 Andrew also thought that we should bring knives and 210 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,120 forks to the table rather than people having to get them. 211 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,720 We have a perfectly good system. People are used to it. 212 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,520 Order drinks at the bar, then food, 213 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,360 get asked if you want a roll and butter, 214 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,480 pay 25p extra for any butters over and above 215 00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,000 the one supplied free butter - 216 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,840 we always recommend a minimum of two extra butters - 217 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:13,400 pay for your food, take a numbered wooden spoon, 218 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,520 proceed to the cutlery and condiment station, then to your table, 219 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,040 wait for Jan or Mike to yell your number, hand up, 220 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,080 receive meal, eat meal, enjoy meal, fuck off. 221 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,440 We need to tell Mike and Jan that we don't need them at the weekend, 222 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,400 that we're trying out new people. 223 00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,560 I'm not telling them. This isn't my idea. 224 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,600 Don't worry, Stephen. I'll do it. 225 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,800 It's fine. Thank you, Andrew. 226 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:42,000 Tom is baby mad. 227 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,760 He wants loads. 228 00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,360 I think he'd prefer it if I was one of those frogs that can lay 229 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:47,680 20,000 eggs at a time. 230 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,840 You're a person, not a baby cannon. 231 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,400 Exactly. Thanks, Stephen. 232 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:55,240 And anyway, the whole thing's going to be complicated by us moving. 233 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,320 Who...? Moving? We're selling the house. 234 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,400 Our house? I mean, our old house? Heron Cottage? 235 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,840 Yeah, I need a new challenge work-wise. 236 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,360 And Tom's bored of this town. Says it's full of mediocre people. 237 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,200 It'll be good to have a new place. 238 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,440 Right. And I suppose there are a lot of memories 239 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:11,920 of you and me in Heron Cottage. 240 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,240 Of course. 241 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,640 I mean, not loads. 242 00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,320 We weren't there that long before the divorce, were we? 243 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,200 But some lovely memories of watching Frozen Planet together. 244 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,760 It was a terrific programme. 245 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,760 Where might you go? Birmingham. Or Manchester. 246 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,560 Somewhere with a pulse. Less of a backwater. 247 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,600 Understood. Totally. You belong in a frontwater. 248 00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:34,480 So what sort of timescale are you guys looking at? 249 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:37,720 It's on the market, already had a couple of viewings, so... Right. 250 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,040 That sort of timescale. 251 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:43,080 Stephen, I worry about you being lonely. 252 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,040 You don't have a huge number of friends. 253 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,000 I'm fine. There's Graham. 254 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,240 He lives in Munich. 255 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,160 We e-mail pretty regularly. 256 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,040 He's put on 4st. 257 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,440 Maureen seems well. 258 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:57,160 Yes! The vet says she may need possible anus work in the future, 259 00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,040 but we're playing the anus by ear. Wise. 260 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,320 I must admit, I want to fuck them even less now. 261 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:20,160 This isn't an efficient method. There must be a better way. 262 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,640 Maybe you could tape the sachets together and then put them through 263 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:25,880 a mangle, like a machine gun. 264 00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:27,920 I'll set my mind to finding a solution, 265 00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,200 earn my £5 float money. 266 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:32,800 Do you know when Andrew's back? 267 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,560 He had something he needed to tell us. 268 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,080 Ah, right, yes. 269 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:37,560 Oh, do you know what it is? 270 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,200 Only we've got dinner to prep in a sec. 271 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,320 Is it about the pay rise we keep discussing with you? 272 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,560 No, and I think I've explained my position on that. 273 00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,800 Sterling is all over the place at the moment. 274 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,000 So do you know what it is Andrew wanted? 275 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,280 We'd rather you told us. 276 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,920 We're not that keen on Andrew. I think he senses it, too. 277 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,400 Don't want to speak out of turn but he's just a bit, you know... 278 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,520 He reminds Jan a bit of Peter Sutcliffe. 279 00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:57,880 Not in looks, just... 280 00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,480 Something about him. 281 00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,960 So if you could let us know what's up, then... 282 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,120 It's about Friday. 283 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:05,840 And you. 284 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,760 And coming in on Friday. 285 00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,120 To here. Do you want us in early? 286 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,560 No problem. No. 287 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,560 Late? No. 288 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,320 Normal time. Oh, copy that, chief. 289 00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,400 You want us normal time. No. 290 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:19,080 Friday evening, you don't come in. 291 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,240 Until...? At all. 292 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,920 Neither of us? That's right. 293 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,560 Won't that be a problem, though? 294 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,000 Yeah, we need to serve the drinks, et cetera. 295 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,840 We'll manage. I can't see how. 296 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,440 It's very busy on a Friday. 297 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,480 We're trying out two new people. 298 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:35,920 Oh. 299 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,840 You don't want US working here on Friday? 300 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,920 Or Saturday. Or Sunday. 301 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,640 It's just a trial, two new people. 302 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,880 Emergency backup should you ever fall ill. 303 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,320 Neither of us have called in sick once in seven years. 304 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:48,960 No, I know, but you might have an accident. 305 00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,320 A lorry might hit you, 306 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,960 or-or you might get stabbed. 307 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,400 So these two new people are just cover for if we're ever stabbed? 308 00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:56,760 Sort of, yes. 309 00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,200 Or... I don't know why I said stabbed. 310 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,160 Not necessarily stabbed. 311 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,560 Er, kicked to death, 312 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:03,720 or strangled, 313 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,520 or deliberately set on fire, 314 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:06,840 or whatever it might be. 315 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,480 Look after yourselves. 316 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,440 And there we go. The Fuckables are working wonders. 317 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:31,720 And the snug is looking as sexy as the staff. 318 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,480 Ah, the whole thing is a triumph! 319 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:34,920 Could you get me a pint, mate? 320 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,760 I'm intimidated by the Fuckables. 321 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,200 They're just people, Geoff. 322 00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:40,080 No, they're not. They're sexy. 323 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,440 They look like models. 324 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,640 They've got that bone thing going on in their faces. 325 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,560 You shouldn't be scared of sexy people, Geoff. 326 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,520 Are they more scared of me than I am of them, like with snakes? 327 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:50,520 No. But still, don't be scared of them. 328 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:51,840 They can't help being sexy. 329 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:55,000 I guess some people are born sexy... That doesn't sound good... 330 00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:58,120 ..while others have sexiness thrust upon them. ..or that, to be honest. 331 00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,400 I might skip the pint. 332 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,560 Get back to my great new ketchup idea. 333 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,880 TEXT ALERT Three new TripAdvisor reviews. 334 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,960 Shit. Will this be the UMCs saying we're gravy-granule bastards? 335 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,120 Oh, my God! It's not them. 336 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,360 It's people who have been here since Andrew defurbed the refurb. 337 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,800 And do they like us? They bloody love us. 338 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,880 Three reviews, all five stars. 339 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:19,440 That's 15 stars! 340 00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,400 Did you get the alert? Andrew's fucking smashed it! 341 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,080 TEXT ALERT Oh, and another one! 342 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,800 "Superb atmosphere. Trad warmth with a hip spritz." 343 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:28,760 Two more reviews! Both high-fivers! 344 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:33,120 Hooray! Oh, I knew Laurie was right to bring you on board. 345 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,040 This is you, isn't it? 346 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,280 We're a team, Stephen. It's down to all of us. 347 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,960 No, I mean this is you writing the five-star reviews. 348 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,440 Sock-puppet accounts. 349 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,240 This is fake news. Stephen... 350 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,000 You are playing with fire here, my friend. 351 00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:50,280 We've been getting solid three-star reviews for years 352 00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,280 and now this is going to fuck everything. 353 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,240 We're a two-to-three-star pub. 354 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,560 People will now expect a five-star pub. 355 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,360 This isn't a five-star pub! 356 00:14:58,400 --> 00:14:59,640 These people say it is. 357 00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,280 Seriously, you don't stick your head above the parapet with the 358 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:06,200 TripAdvisor guys because you will call down a tsunami of shit. 359 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,680 A sudden flurry of five-star reviews, they get suspicious, 360 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,800 send the black-ops reviewers in, 361 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:15,640 there's a string of zero-star write-ups and then you're fucked. 362 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,480 It happened to The Plough in Harescombe, 363 00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,160 they flew too close to the sun. 364 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,040 I haven't written any reviews, Stephen. 365 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:26,720 And I really don't think there are "black-ops" reviewers. 366 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,240 Oh, right, look at me like I'm the crazy one. 367 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,440 He's the guy with the multiple online personalities. 368 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:48,640 I'm treading ketchup! 369 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,200 This is one of the best ideas I've ever had! 370 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,560 Jesus, Geoff! 371 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,000 Are you ill?! It's disgusting! 372 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,360 You're a farmer. Have you washed your feet?! 373 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,480 Fucking hell! Throw all the ketchup away! 374 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,040 This is fucked up! 375 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:05,440 Stephen, you need some St John's wort or something, mate, 376 00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,400 because you are one very negative guy. 377 00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,440 It's what I live for...really. 378 00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,160 Creativity. 379 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,480 I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't paint. 380 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,240 No. 381 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,360 Have you always lived with your mum? God, no. 382 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:23,960 This is very temporary. 383 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,520 Just looking for the perfect space, you know? 384 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,080 Absolutely. Walls that feel like your walls, right? 385 00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,920 Exactly! I did have a flat but the guy got heavy and weird about his 386 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,440 precious rent and everything. 387 00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,240 Nightmare. I hate money. 388 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,560 I wish I didn't have my share in the pub, if I'm honest. 389 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,760 Makes me feel anxious and tied down. 390 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,440 Lots of travel guides. 391 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,320 Some of these countries don't exist any more. 392 00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,120 Yeah, they're quite old now. 393 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,480 I wanted to travel, but life got in the way and it never happened. 394 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:54,080 Then Blair got elected and, you know... 395 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,320 You've done some travelling, though? Oh, yeah. 396 00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:58,840 I'm not some suburban small-town hick. 397 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,880 I mean, where to start? 398 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,640 Been to Boulogne. 399 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,240 Boulogne. Obviously, I've been there loads, like we all have, 400 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,920 back and forth all the bloody time. 401 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,800 But the first time was in the fourth year 402 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,960 and I got suspended for buying a flick knife. 403 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,360 Classic Boulogne. 404 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,800 And this Bangkok guide? 405 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:15,360 Have you been there? Yes. 406 00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,880 Yes, siree. 407 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,520 It was amazing. 408 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,800 Bangkok. Fucking hell. 409 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,960 The realest place I've ever been to. 410 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,840 Very real. I felt like I was really there. 411 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,440 Did you try the noodles at Bang Rak? 412 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,480 I did. Amazing flavours. 413 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,600 Hot, but sour. 414 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,280 But sweet. And really long. 415 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,360 The longest noodles I've ever seen. 416 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,320 And how did you feel about all the executions in Thailand? 417 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,640 Sad. You know? 418 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,000 No, me too. 419 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,440 Should I sleep with Andrew? 420 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,800 Unequivocally and without a shadow of a doubt, 421 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:47,880 no, you shouldn't. 422 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,600 Maybe I should. It would sort of be incest, 423 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,960 but with none of the negatives and all of the positives. 424 00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,280 All of the positives? 425 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,040 Of incest? Exciting. 426 00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,800 Forbidden. It wouldn't be forbidden. 427 00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,160 He's not your actual brother so it's not forbidden. 428 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,960 Although, I do forbid it. 429 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,320 Do you think those people there are TripAdvisor black ops? 430 00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,680 That's not a thing. They look clever. 431 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,640 Bit sneery, metropolitan elite. 432 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,800 We don't get many clever people in here ordinarily. 433 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:13,480 We mainly attract average-intelligence people, 434 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,960 with a smattering of real fucking thickos. 435 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,600 I'll offer them some extra butters. 436 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,040 I'll say the butters are on the house because we like their style. 437 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,880 You can't bribe people with tiny pats of butter. 438 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,000 CASS SIGHS 439 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,960 And how is everything? 440 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,360 Living up to your expectations? 441 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,200 It's all lovely. Thank you. 442 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,960 And, er...are you in the area for tourism... 443 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,480 or business...or...? 444 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,040 We're going to look at a property. 445 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,080 Thinking of getting a weekend place out here. 446 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,160 Heron Cottage up on Hill Crescent. 447 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,640 Do you know that part of town? 448 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,680 Yes, I do. It's...it's good that people are moving back there, 449 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,200 that houses are selling again in that area. 450 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,040 Have they not been? There was a lot of drug activity. 451 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:56,760 Buying, selling. 452 00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:57,800 Smoking. 453 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:58,960 Injecting. 454 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,400 That thing where you heat the spoon up. 455 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,000 But the police are turning a blind eye now 456 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:08,760 and it's all calmed down into a sort of semi-lawless "new normal". 457 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,600 Do you need any extra butters? 458 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,080 We're fine for butters. 459 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,520 Sure? Can't tempt you? 460 00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:15,720 Excellent. 461 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:20,920 Are we all right to sit anywhere? 462 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,320 Just for a drink. Won't be eating. 463 00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:26,040 Can't afford to eat out now. Right. 464 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,560 How are you? Oh, we haven't been stabbed. 465 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,840 Or have we? How are they? 466 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,520 Fine. 467 00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,560 Kind of. Look, it wasn't my idea to get them in. 468 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,160 But you didn't oppose the idea. 469 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:41,040 That's not fair. I did oppose the idea, but ineffectually. 470 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,720 Bugger and shit! 471 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,680 The UMCs have finally left their reviews. 472 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,760 Three two-star stinkers. 473 00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,360 "They use gravy granules." 474 00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,800 "Lamb was cremated." 475 00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,360 "Beyond underwhelming." 476 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,840 This'll crucify us! 477 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,440 I'm really sorry about that, Ellen. 478 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,480 Can I get a double gin, Jan, love? 479 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,120 Coming up. 480 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,400 Oh... I don't work here. No. 481 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:15,440 Hi. 482 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,360 Hi. Laundry. 483 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,960 Great. 484 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:22,080 Hey, I ran some background on those two-star kickings we got. 485 00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,320 Entitled fuckers. 486 00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:24,600 It's a power play, isn't it? 487 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,920 Which way will Caesar's thumb go? 488 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,840 Well, this is the weird thing. 489 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,520 They seemed like old hands at TripAdvisor, 490 00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:35,160 but the accounts reviewing us were all brand-new. 491 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,480 That's odd. Odder still, checking the headers, 492 00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:43,160 those three different accounts are all using the same IP address. 493 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,880 The IP address 494 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:46,040 of the computer 495 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:47,600 in the back room... 496 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:48,960 of the pub. 497 00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,960 I think we both know who's responsible... 498 00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,120 don't we? 499 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,960 Must be the Fuckables fucking with us. 500 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,720 I'll fire them, get Jan and Mike back. 501 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,280 Hi, Jan, it's Andrew Donnelly. 502 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:21,080 Look, Stephen and I were completely wrong to cut your shifts. 503 00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:24,240 We've missed you and Mike enormously and the pub's just not the same. 504 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,160 So is...? Yeah. Aw. 505 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:30,240 So is there any way you'd consider coming back? 506 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,560 Maybe with a substantial pay rise. 507 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,600 Jan and Mike! BOTH: Andrew! 508 00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,160 The Pretenders have retreated, 509 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,200 the true King and Queen have been restored, and with a salary bump. 510 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,200 All hail the John Barleycorn! 511 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,960 THEY CHEER 512 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,400 We were totally wrong about Andrew, Stephen. 513 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,880 Totally wrong. He's completely won us over, hasn't he, love? 514 00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,840 Yeah. He's not Peter Sutcliffe. 515 00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,720 He's more Daniel Radcliffe. 516 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,680 Well, it's good to see you both back here. 517 00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,520 It's like the ravens have returned to the tower. 518 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:06,960 What tower's that, then? 519 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,040 Don't ravens eat nappies from landfill? 520 00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,400 Andrew said something nice about the Pretenders. 521 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,320 They're one of Jan's favourites. 522 00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:15,520 Wine, Stephen? It's far too early. 523 00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:16,720 A Merlot, please. 524 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:21,560 Did you post the poor reviews? 525 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,920 I did. You trolled your own business! 526 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,760 It was counter-sabotage. I was trying to save the pub. 527 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,360 By saying it's a shithole? 528 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:31,640 I had to even out the five-star madness. 529 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,520 Have you been sleeping all right on that bed? 530 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,360 No. It's like an ironing board made of hot doorknobs. 531 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,400 But I'm not dangerously underslept. 532 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,840 Andrew'd like you to think I'm a zombie nutbag, 533 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,960 but I'm not a zombie nutbag. 534 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,640 Should you maybe have some time away? 535 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:46,920 Don't you be taken in by Andrew, too. 536 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,080 He's managed to get Mike and Jan on his side. 537 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:50,440 You're now my only ally. 538 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,440 Fuck off, Stephen. I'm still your ally. 539 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,480 What sort of wanker do you take me for? 540 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,000 I take you entirely for a non-wanker. 541 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:03,680 Tom and I have a potential buyer for our place. 542 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,440 OK... Nice couple. 543 00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,000 I thought they'd cooled, 544 00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:09,200 but apparently they met this quite freaky guy who 545 00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,000 started shit-mouthing our house. 546 00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,800 They assumed he was after it for himself, so bang! 547 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,880 Instant offer. 548 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,760 I bet that guy feels like a right prick now. 549 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,080 And he deserves to. 550 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,240 The prick... 551 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:24,880 # Nobody loves me 552 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,840 # Nobody seem to care 553 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,120 # Nobody loves me, I say 554 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,400 # Ah, well, nobody seem to care 555 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,400 # Speaking of bad luck and trouble, mama 556 00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,880 # Well, you know I've had my share. #