1
00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:06,840
This programme contains very strong
language and adult humour
2
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:11,520
Jaffa Cake, Jaffa Cake,
baker's man...
3
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:13,240
Did the Jaffa Cake guys
come up with that
4
00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,760
or did the rhyme precede
the invention of Jaffa Cakes?
5
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,760
It's "pat-a-cake". Fuck off!
6
00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:19,200
It is. Pat-a-cake?
7
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:22,200
That doesn't make sense.
You don't pat a cake.
8
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:23,840
"Good cake. Well done, cake."
9
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:24,960
It's a nursery rhyme.
10
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,880
It'll be something to do with
the plague, they always are.
11
00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,240
Is everything all right?
12
00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:34,200
Do you want to fuck Mike and Jan?
13
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:36,280
Why? What have they said?
No, just objectively.
14
00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,040
Do you want to fuck them
when you see them?
15
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,640
No. But I'm not really a
"fuck on sight" kind of guy.
16
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:44,160
I think you should want to
fuck bar staff.
17
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,720
You come in, you see them,
want to fuck them,
18
00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,120
and then you buy more drinks
cos you want to be around them.
19
00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:50,560
Does this apply in all retail?
20
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:53,360
Should I want to fuck Fat Chris
at the Londis?
21
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:54,600
Would I buy more milk?
22
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,600
Probably. More fuckable staff could
increase footfall.
23
00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,560
You know Q3 footfall is down.
24
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:01,960
What's down? Footfall in the pub.
25
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,040
Brilliant.
26
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:05,680
Do you think footfall means people
tripping over?
27
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:06,720
No.
28
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:11,040
Let's be careful how we alter
the Barleycorn experience.
29
00:01:11,080 --> 00:01:13,720
It's grown organically
over many years.
30
00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:16,120
This is a pub,
not a YouTube channel.
31
00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:18,320
It just seemed better
when I was fostered here.
32
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:20,720
Permanently packed out.
33
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,120
A Golden Age...
34
00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:25,560
MUSIC AND LAUGHTER
35
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,360
I'm not sure about golden...
36
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,120
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
37
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,440
I just think the place
needs a fresh look.
38
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,080
Some visual Viagra.
39
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,240
No. We just have to keep
providing people
40
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,280
with the chemicals
that stop "the feeling".
41
00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:53,680
As long as we help keep
"the feeling" at bay,
42
00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:55,000
we're doing our job.
43
00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,440
Geoff, you like Mike and Jan,
don't you?
44
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:02,560
From Bucks Fizz? Our bar staff.
45
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:04,040
Oh, yeah. I love them.
46
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,560
Yeah. Could you maybe be
more vocal in your praise?
47
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:09,800
Andrew doesn't think
they're fuckable enough.
48
00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:11,720
Apparently, everything's got to be
sexy now.
49
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:14,000
They use sex to sell everything
these days, don't they?
50
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,280
Perfume, cars, condoms...
51
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:17,600
Very true.
52
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,560
Lube, that's another one.
53
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,120
It just might be interesting to see
if we can get a new crowd in.
54
00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:30,280
I agree.
55
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,960
Oh, Cass. Dad's sports jacket.
56
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:35,200
Cancer Research Shop?
Hospice Care Shop?
57
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,720
It's quite hipstery, actually.
58
00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:38,920
So cancer.
Yep, cancer has a younger vibe.
59
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:43,040
We shouldn't fix things if
they ain't, or aren't, broke...
60
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,080
..n.
61
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,600
You change personnel at your peril.
62
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:46,960
Look at Spooks.
63
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,800
Well, as a semi-Buddhist,
I believe all change is good.
64
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,400
Our atoms completely change
each year, Stephen.
65
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,200
All of the atoms in our bodies.
66
00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,320
That's science.
67
00:02:55,360 --> 00:02:58,000
All of the atoms that make up
our bodies completely change
68
00:02:58,040 --> 00:03:00,520
each year? Uh-huh.
Every single atom?
69
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,600
Yes, they do. What about tattoos?
70
00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,400
So, any of your signature
brainwaves, Andrew?
71
00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:07,040
I think, first and foremost,
72
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,040
the John Barleycorn needs to look
like an authentic country pub.
73
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,520
Great, it already does.
74
00:03:11,560 --> 00:03:13,280
Because it is
an authentic country pub.
75
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:14,960
But it doesn't LOOK authentic.
76
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,120
Yes, forgive my pressing this point
77
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:20,080
but it's authentic because it is
what it is. Do you see?
78
00:03:20,120 --> 00:03:23,480
And to me, something actually being
authentic is more authentic than
79
00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,200
something fake that looks authentic.
80
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,760
N-yeah... I can see what Andrew's
getting at.
81
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,240
Of course you can.
82
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,840
Just imagine - refectory tables,
reclaimed church pews,
83
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:36,640
old mismatched wooden library chairs
painted white.
84
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:38,640
Distressed and old-fashioned is
attractive.
85
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,880
I'm distressed and old-fashioned
and I haven't had sex in 22 months.
86
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,760
Look, we've just had a refurb
and it cost a lot.
87
00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,920
We can't just defurb the refurb.
88
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,800
We could just do the snug
in Andrew's style as a test.
89
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,920
I could get that done
for under £500.
90
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,480
Mates in the trade. I knew you'd
have mates in the trade.
91
00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,600
You're such a mates-in-the-trade
kind of guy.
92
00:03:56,640 --> 00:03:59,040
Do you want to help me out?
You look like you've got a good eye.
93
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:00,240
Do I? Thanks.
94
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,720
Yeah. I'd love to.
95
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,320
Cass? Looks a bit cancery?
96
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,040
Oh, yes. That's pure cancer.
97
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,720
Could I...try that on?
98
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:08,880
Ooh.
99
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,000
That wouldn't be weird, would it?
100
00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:13,160
No.
101
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,480
It could've been made for you.
102
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:29,440
Stephen, would you rather have it?
103
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,480
I'm not sure Dad's clothes fit me.
104
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,360
Oh, Mike, you got my...?
105
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:39,520
Oh, God, yeah, of course.
106
00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:41,760
Sorry, Geoff. There you go.
107
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:44,160
Cheers. What's that?
It's Geoff's float.
108
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,160
It's my float.
What do you mean "float"?
109
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:47,880
For sundries and incidentals,
you know.
110
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,280
You mean for the pub?
111
00:04:49,320 --> 00:04:53,400
No. You just get a fiver
from the till for your...sundries?
112
00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:56,200
Packet of mints, batteries, pens...
Odds and sods, you know.
113
00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:57,280
You get this every day?
114
00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,320
Yeah. And how long has this
been happening?
115
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:00,920
Mike? Six years?
116
00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,000
About six years.
Why have I never known about this?
117
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:05,360
I've hidden it from you.
I thought you'd get cross.
118
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,480
Your dad was fine with it.
I'm not fine with it.
119
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:09,400
Precisely why I hid my behaviour.
120
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,040
QED, Stephen.
121
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,480
Oh, Mike... What is it, boss man?
122
00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:16,680
I just want to say to you now, Mike,
123
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,840
that you are so fuckable.
124
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,600
Right. Thanks, Geoff.
125
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:25,280
Geoff, this isn't what... I would
happily give you a big old fuck.
126
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:28,800
You've got a big fuckable face
and I would cheerfully bend you
127
00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:32,160
over this bar and fuck you in
every available hole.
128
00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:33,600
Stop, now, Geoff! This is too much.
129
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:34,880
No, I'm getting into it.
130
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,080
Do you want to know what hole
I'd start with?
131
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:38,120
CAMERA CLICKS
132
00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:42,080
So, is Operation Snug going to be
possible? A boutique makeover?
133
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,280
Absolutely.
134
00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:46,400
Stephen's brilliant refurb was
a great first step on a journey
135
00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,800
which may take us in a completely
different direction.
136
00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:49,880
Excellent.
137
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,520
We've got some UMCs on table six.
138
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:52,880
UMCs?
139
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,560
Unreasonable Moaning Cunts.
140
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,560
Hospitality slang. I thought
you'd worked in restaurants?
141
00:05:57,600 --> 00:05:59,760
What's the make-up?
One couple and a floating single.
142
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,520
They said the lamb was too well
done, the broccoli was "limp"
143
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,920
and the gravy was granules.
Was the gravy granules?
144
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,200
The gravy was granules, yes.
145
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,640
Target the single, they're weaker.
Copy that.
146
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,080
I'm so sorry that there's been
a problem with your food.
147
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,840
Thank you, no, that's... Do you
think a meal is about eating food?
148
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:19,280
I tend to, yes.
149
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:22,040
Very telling. A meal is also
about service and ambience,
150
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,720
both of which have been appalling.
151
00:06:23,760 --> 00:06:25,560
Appalling?!
Do you use gravy granules?
152
00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:26,720
Never! That's a lie.
153
00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:27,760
OK, wait a second...
154
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,960
Erm, friendly bit of advice -
eat elsewhere.
155
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:31,520
Food is poor, the service is poor.
156
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,320
Hey! Can you stop saying that?
157
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:34,400
This isn't North Korea.
158
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,960
We have free speech
and TripAdvisor accounts,
159
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,080
as you'll soon learn.
160
00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:40,360
Come on!
161
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:44,920
Now, this pew...
162
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,720
I know...
..we really don't want.
163
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:47,760
No. God, no.
164
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,680
Look at it. Piece of shit.
165
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,360
That is the opposite
of what we want.
166
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,560
I mean, it's a pew, sure,
but it says "bench".
167
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:57,400
We want a pew that...screams "pew".
168
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:59,200
I love that one!
169
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,920
You really do have a good eye.
I'm actually an artist.
170
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,080
I photograph, I paint, I collage.
171
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,120
I did a term at art school in London
but...it wasn't for me.
172
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,720
They created boundaries.
173
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,040
It was all technique and competence
and being able to draw horses.
174
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,360
Little boxes. No, big horses.
175
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,080
No, I meant they want to put
everyone in little boxes.
176
00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,960
"You're a painter, you're a plumber,
you're gay, you're straight..."
177
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,240
Exactly.
178
00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:25,320
"You're black, you're white,
you can drive, you can't drive..."
179
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:27,800
I love this pew. It's a great pew.
180
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:37,160
Could I see some of your art?
181
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:40,040
Oh, wow. Of course.
182
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,200
Mum says it's quite challenging.
183
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:43,440
Oh, I like a challenge.
184
00:07:44,480 --> 00:07:46,560
Right, shall we have a look for
some library chairs?
185
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:47,800
Yes. I love this.
186
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:48,840
This is brilliant.
187
00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,120
Are you all right, Stephen?
188
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,120
Yeah... Yes.
189
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,920
Sorry. It's just...
190
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,680
that jacket smells of Dad.
191
00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,480
Just got a bit of a... Oh, yes.
192
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,080
Oh!
193
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,320
That is Laurie.
194
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,200
Do you want to...?
195
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:19,720
I'm fine.
196
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:24,600
Andrew and I were having
some more thoughts about the pub.
197
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,760
Like free peanuts on all the tables.
198
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,040
Why stop there?
199
00:08:28,080 --> 00:08:31,240
What about a charcuterie platter
and a huge free goose?
200
00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:32,480
This isn't a food bank.
201
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,320
Peanuts are tramp bait.
They'll just turn up for the salt.
202
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:37,440
Also, ketchup in bowls?
203
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:39,600
I totally see why you have sachets.
204
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,680
They're fun and kitsch and have that
tacky Blackpool vibe
205
00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:46,200
and it's great to play that note.
It isn't a note.
206
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,280
We've got a cupboard full of
thousands of sachets.
207
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:49,400
We need to use them up.
208
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:52,360
We can't just chuck ketchup away.
We're not the Borgias.
209
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,520
Andrew also thought that
we should bring knives and
210
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:57,120
forks to the table rather than
people having to get them.
211
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,720
We have a perfectly good system.
People are used to it.
212
00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:01,520
Order drinks at the bar, then food,
213
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,360
get asked if you want
a roll and butter,
214
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,480
pay 25p extra for any butters
over and above
215
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,000
the one supplied free butter -
216
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,840
we always recommend a minimum
of two extra butters -
217
00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:13,400
pay for your food,
take a numbered wooden spoon,
218
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,520
proceed to the cutlery and condiment
station, then to your table,
219
00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,040
wait for Jan or Mike to
yell your number, hand up,
220
00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,080
receive meal, eat meal, enjoy meal,
fuck off.
221
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,440
We need to tell Mike and Jan that
we don't need them at the weekend,
222
00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:27,400
that we're trying out new people.
223
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:29,560
I'm not telling them.
This isn't my idea.
224
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,600
Don't worry, Stephen. I'll do it.
225
00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:33,800
It's fine. Thank you, Andrew.
226
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:42,000
Tom is baby mad.
227
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,760
He wants loads.
228
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:46,360
I think he'd prefer it if I was
one of those frogs that can lay
229
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:47,680
20,000 eggs at a time.
230
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,840
You're a person, not a baby cannon.
231
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,400
Exactly. Thanks, Stephen.
232
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:55,240
And anyway, the whole thing's going
to be complicated by us moving.
233
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,320
Who...? Moving?
We're selling the house.
234
00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,400
Our house? I mean, our old house?
Heron Cottage?
235
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,840
Yeah, I need a new challenge
work-wise.
236
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:06,360
And Tom's bored of this town.
Says it's full of mediocre people.
237
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,200
It'll be good to have a new place.
238
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,440
Right. And I suppose
there are a lot of memories
239
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:11,920
of you and me in Heron Cottage.
240
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:13,240
Of course.
241
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:14,640
I mean, not loads.
242
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,320
We weren't there that long
before the divorce, were we?
243
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,200
But some lovely memories
of watching Frozen Planet together.
244
00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,760
It was a terrific programme.
245
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:25,760
Where might you go?
Birmingham. Or Manchester.
246
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,560
Somewhere with a pulse.
Less of a backwater.
247
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:31,600
Understood. Totally.
You belong in a frontwater.
248
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:34,480
So what sort of timescale
are you guys looking at?
249
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:37,720
It's on the market, already had
a couple of viewings, so... Right.
250
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,040
That sort of timescale.
251
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:43,080
Stephen, I worry about you
being lonely.
252
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,040
You don't have
a huge number of friends.
253
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,000
I'm fine. There's Graham.
254
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,240
He lives in Munich.
255
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,160
We e-mail pretty regularly.
256
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,040
He's put on 4st.
257
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,440
Maureen seems well.
258
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:57,160
Yes! The vet says she may need
possible anus work in the future,
259
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:00,040
but we're playing the anus by ear.
Wise.
260
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,320
I must admit, I want to fuck them
even less now.
261
00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:20,160
This isn't an efficient method.
There must be a better way.
262
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,640
Maybe you could tape the sachets
together and then put them through
263
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:25,880
a mangle, like a machine gun.
264
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:27,920
I'll set my mind to finding
a solution,
265
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,200
earn my £5 float money.
266
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:32,800
Do you know when Andrew's back?
267
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,560
He had something he needed to
tell us.
268
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,080
Ah, right, yes.
269
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:37,560
Oh, do you know what it is?
270
00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:39,200
Only we've got dinner
to prep in a sec.
271
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,320
Is it about the pay rise
we keep discussing with you?
272
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,560
No, and I think I've explained
my position on that.
273
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,800
Sterling is all over the place
at the moment.
274
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,000
So do you know what it is
Andrew wanted?
275
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,280
We'd rather you told us.
276
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,920
We're not that keen on Andrew.
I think he senses it, too.
277
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,400
Don't want to speak out of turn
but he's just a bit, you know...
278
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,520
He reminds Jan a bit of
Peter Sutcliffe.
279
00:11:56,560 --> 00:11:57,880
Not in looks, just...
280
00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,480
Something about him.
281
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,960
So if you could let us know
what's up, then...
282
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,120
It's about Friday.
283
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:05,840
And you.
284
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,760
And coming in on Friday.
285
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,120
To here. Do you want us in early?
286
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,560
No problem. No.
287
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,560
Late? No.
288
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,320
Normal time. Oh, copy that, chief.
289
00:12:14,360 --> 00:12:16,400
You want us normal time. No.
290
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:19,080
Friday evening, you don't come in.
291
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,240
Until...? At all.
292
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:22,920
Neither of us? That's right.
293
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,560
Won't that be a problem, though?
294
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,000
Yeah, we need to serve the drinks,
et cetera.
295
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:28,840
We'll manage. I can't see how.
296
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,440
It's very busy on a Friday.
297
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,480
We're trying out two new people.
298
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:35,920
Oh.
299
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,840
You don't want US working here
on Friday?
300
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:39,920
Or Saturday. Or Sunday.
301
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,640
It's just a trial, two new people.
302
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,880
Emergency backup
should you ever fall ill.
303
00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:46,320
Neither of us have called in sick
once in seven years.
304
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:48,960
No, I know, but you might have
an accident.
305
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,320
A lorry might hit you,
306
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,960
or-or you might get stabbed.
307
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:55,400
So these two new people are just
cover for if we're ever stabbed?
308
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:56,760
Sort of, yes.
309
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,200
Or... I don't know
why I said stabbed.
310
00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,160
Not necessarily stabbed.
311
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,560
Er, kicked to death,
312
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:03,720
or strangled,
313
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,520
or deliberately set on fire,
314
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:06,840
or whatever it might be.
315
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,480
Look after yourselves.
316
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,440
And there we go.
The Fuckables are working wonders.
317
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:31,720
And the snug is looking
as sexy as the staff.
318
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,480
Ah, the whole thing is a triumph!
319
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:34,920
Could you get me a pint, mate?
320
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,760
I'm intimidated by the Fuckables.
321
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,200
They're just people, Geoff.
322
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:40,080
No, they're not. They're sexy.
323
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,440
They look like models.
324
00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:43,640
They've got that bone thing going on
in their faces.
325
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,560
You shouldn't be scared of sexy
people, Geoff.
326
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,520
Are they more scared of me
than I am of them, like with snakes?
327
00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:50,520
No. But still,
don't be scared of them.
328
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:51,840
They can't help being sexy.
329
00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:55,000
I guess some people are born sexy...
That doesn't sound good...
330
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:58,120
..while others have sexiness thrust
upon them. ..or that, to be honest.
331
00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,400
I might skip the pint.
332
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:01,560
Get back to my great new
ketchup idea.
333
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,880
TEXT ALERT
Three new TripAdvisor reviews.
334
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,960
Shit. Will this be the UMCs saying
we're gravy-granule bastards?
335
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,120
Oh, my God! It's not them.
336
00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,360
It's people who have been here
since Andrew defurbed the refurb.
337
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,800
And do they like us?
They bloody love us.
338
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,880
Three reviews, all five stars.
339
00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:19,440
That's 15 stars!
340
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,400
Did you get the alert?
Andrew's fucking smashed it!
341
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,080
TEXT ALERT
Oh, and another one!
342
00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,800
"Superb atmosphere.
Trad warmth with a hip spritz."
343
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:28,760
Two more reviews! Both high-fivers!
344
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:33,120
Hooray! Oh, I knew Laurie was right
to bring you on board.
345
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,040
This is you, isn't it?
346
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:38,280
We're a team, Stephen.
It's down to all of us.
347
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,960
No, I mean this is you writing
the five-star reviews.
348
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,440
Sock-puppet accounts.
349
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,240
This is fake news. Stephen...
350
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,000
You are playing with fire here,
my friend.
351
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:50,280
We've been getting solid
three-star reviews for years
352
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,280
and now this is going to
fuck everything.
353
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,240
We're a two-to-three-star pub.
354
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,560
People will now expect
a five-star pub.
355
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,360
This isn't a five-star pub!
356
00:14:58,400 --> 00:14:59,640
These people say it is.
357
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:02,280
Seriously, you don't stick your head
above the parapet with the
358
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:06,200
TripAdvisor guys because you will
call down a tsunami of shit.
359
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,680
A sudden flurry of five-star
reviews, they get suspicious,
360
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:11,800
send the black-ops reviewers in,
361
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:15,640
there's a string of zero-star
write-ups and then you're fucked.
362
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,480
It happened to The Plough
in Harescombe,
363
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,160
they flew too close to the sun.
364
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,040
I haven't written any reviews,
Stephen.
365
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:26,720
And I really don't think there are
"black-ops" reviewers.
366
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,240
Oh, right, look at me like
I'm the crazy one.
367
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,440
He's the guy with the multiple
online personalities.
368
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:48,640
I'm treading ketchup!
369
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,200
This is one of the best ideas
I've ever had!
370
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,560
Jesus, Geoff!
371
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,000
Are you ill?! It's disgusting!
372
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,360
You're a farmer.
Have you washed your feet?!
373
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,480
Fucking hell!
Throw all the ketchup away!
374
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,040
This is fucked up!
375
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:05,440
Stephen, you need some St John's
wort or something, mate,
376
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,400
because you are
one very negative guy.
377
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:14,440
It's what I live for...really.
378
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,160
Creativity.
379
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,480
I don't know what I'd do
if I couldn't paint.
380
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,240
No.
381
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,360
Have you always lived with your mum?
God, no.
382
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:23,960
This is very temporary.
383
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,520
Just looking for the perfect space,
you know?
384
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:29,080
Absolutely. Walls that feel like
your walls, right?
385
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:32,920
Exactly! I did have a flat but the
guy got heavy and weird about his
386
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,440
precious rent and everything.
387
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:36,240
Nightmare. I hate money.
388
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,560
I wish I didn't have my share
in the pub, if I'm honest.
389
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,760
Makes me feel anxious and tied down.
390
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,440
Lots of travel guides.
391
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,320
Some of these countries don't exist
any more.
392
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:48,120
Yeah, they're quite old now.
393
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:51,480
I wanted to travel, but life got
in the way and it never happened.
394
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:54,080
Then Blair got elected and,
you know...
395
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,320
You've done some travelling, though?
Oh, yeah.
396
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:58,840
I'm not some suburban
small-town hick.
397
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:00,880
I mean, where to start?
398
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,640
Been to Boulogne.
399
00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:05,240
Boulogne. Obviously, I've been there
loads, like we all have,
400
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,920
back and forth all the bloody time.
401
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,800
But the first time was in
the fourth year
402
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,960
and I got suspended
for buying a flick knife.
403
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,360
Classic Boulogne.
404
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,800
And this Bangkok guide?
405
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:15,360
Have you been there? Yes.
406
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,880
Yes, siree.
407
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,520
It was amazing.
408
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,800
Bangkok. Fucking hell.
409
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,960
The realest place I've ever been to.
410
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,840
Very real. I felt like
I was really there.
411
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,440
Did you try the noodles at Bang Rak?
412
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,480
I did. Amazing flavours.
413
00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,600
Hot, but sour.
414
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,280
But sweet. And really long.
415
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,360
The longest noodles I've ever seen.
416
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,320
And how did you feel about
all the executions in Thailand?
417
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,640
Sad. You know?
418
00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,000
No, me too.
419
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,440
Should I sleep with Andrew?
420
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:46,800
Unequivocally and without
a shadow of a doubt,
421
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:47,880
no, you shouldn't.
422
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,600
Maybe I should.
It would sort of be incest,
423
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,960
but with none of the negatives
and all of the positives.
424
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,280
All of the positives?
425
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,040
Of incest? Exciting.
426
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:56,800
Forbidden. It wouldn't be forbidden.
427
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,160
He's not your actual brother
so it's not forbidden.
428
00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:00,960
Although, I do forbid it.
429
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,320
Do you think those people there
are TripAdvisor black ops?
430
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,680
That's not a thing.
They look clever.
431
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,640
Bit sneery, metropolitan elite.
432
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,800
We don't get many clever people
in here ordinarily.
433
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:13,480
We mainly attract
average-intelligence people,
434
00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,960
with a smattering
of real fucking thickos.
435
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,600
I'll offer them some extra butters.
436
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:21,040
I'll say the butters are on the
house because we like their style.
437
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,880
You can't bribe people
with tiny pats of butter.
438
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,000
CASS SIGHS
439
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,960
And how is everything?
440
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,360
Living up to your expectations?
441
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,200
It's all lovely. Thank you.
442
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:35,960
And, er...are you in the area
for tourism...
443
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,480
or business...or...?
444
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,040
We're going to look at a property.
445
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,080
Thinking of getting
a weekend place out here.
446
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,160
Heron Cottage up on Hill Crescent.
447
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,640
Do you know that part of town?
448
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,680
Yes, I do. It's...it's good that
people are moving back there,
449
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,200
that houses are selling again
in that area.
450
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:55,040
Have they not been?
There was a lot of drug activity.
451
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:56,760
Buying, selling.
452
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:57,800
Smoking.
453
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:58,960
Injecting.
454
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:01,400
That thing
where you heat the spoon up.
455
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:04,000
But the police are turning
a blind eye now
456
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:08,760
and it's all calmed down into a sort
of semi-lawless "new normal".
457
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,600
Do you need any extra butters?
458
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,080
We're fine for butters.
459
00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:13,520
Sure? Can't tempt you?
460
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:15,720
Excellent.
461
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:20,920
Are we all right to sit anywhere?
462
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,320
Just for a drink. Won't be eating.
463
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:26,040
Can't afford to eat out now. Right.
464
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,560
How are you?
Oh, we haven't been stabbed.
465
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,840
Or have we? How are they?
466
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:32,520
Fine.
467
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:35,560
Kind of. Look, it wasn't my idea to
get them in.
468
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,160
But you didn't oppose the idea.
469
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:41,040
That's not fair. I did oppose
the idea, but ineffectually.
470
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,720
Bugger and shit!
471
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:45,680
The UMCs have finally left
their reviews.
472
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,760
Three two-star stinkers.
473
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,360
"They use gravy granules."
474
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,800
"Lamb was cremated."
475
00:19:50,840 --> 00:19:52,360
"Beyond underwhelming."
476
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,840
This'll crucify us!
477
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,440
I'm really sorry about that, Ellen.
478
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,480
Can I get a double gin, Jan, love?
479
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,120
Coming up.
480
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,400
Oh... I don't work here. No.
481
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:15,440
Hi.
482
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,360
Hi. Laundry.
483
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,960
Great.
484
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:22,080
Hey, I ran some background
on those two-star kickings we got.
485
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,320
Entitled fuckers.
486
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:24,600
It's a power play, isn't it?
487
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,920
Which way will Caesar's thumb go?
488
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,840
Well, this is the weird thing.
489
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:31,520
They seemed like old hands
at TripAdvisor,
490
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:35,160
but the accounts reviewing us
were all brand-new.
491
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:38,480
That's odd.
Odder still, checking the headers,
492
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:43,160
those three different accounts are
all using the same IP address.
493
00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,880
The IP address
494
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:46,040
of the computer
495
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:47,600
in the back room...
496
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:48,960
of the pub.
497
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:57,960
I think we both know
who's responsible...
498
00:20:58,000 --> 00:20:59,120
don't we?
499
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,960
Must be the Fuckables
fucking with us.
500
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,720
I'll fire them,
get Jan and Mike back.
501
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,280
Hi, Jan, it's Andrew Donnelly.
502
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:21,080
Look, Stephen and I were
completely wrong to cut your shifts.
503
00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:24,240
We've missed you and Mike enormously
and the pub's just not the same.
504
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:26,160
So is...? Yeah. Aw.
505
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:30,240
So is there any way
you'd consider coming back?
506
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,560
Maybe with a substantial pay rise.
507
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,600
Jan and Mike!
BOTH: Andrew!
508
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,160
The Pretenders have retreated,
509
00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:45,200
the true King and Queen have been
restored, and with a salary bump.
510
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,200
All hail the John Barleycorn!
511
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,960
THEY CHEER
512
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:53,400
We were totally wrong about Andrew,
Stephen.
513
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,880
Totally wrong. He's completely won
us over, hasn't he, love?
514
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,840
Yeah. He's not Peter Sutcliffe.
515
00:21:57,880 --> 00:21:59,720
He's more Daniel Radcliffe.
516
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,680
Well, it's good to see you both
back here.
517
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,520
It's like the ravens have returned
to the tower.
518
00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:06,960
What tower's that, then?
519
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,040
Don't ravens eat nappies
from landfill?
520
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,400
Andrew said something nice
about the Pretenders.
521
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:13,320
They're one of Jan's favourites.
522
00:22:13,360 --> 00:22:15,520
Wine, Stephen? It's far too early.
523
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:16,720
A Merlot, please.
524
00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:21,560
Did you post the poor reviews?
525
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,920
I did.
You trolled your own business!
526
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,760
It was counter-sabotage.
I was trying to save the pub.
527
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,360
By saying it's a shithole?
528
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:31,640
I had to even out
the five-star madness.
529
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,520
Have you been sleeping all right
on that bed?
530
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,360
No. It's like an ironing board
made of hot doorknobs.
531
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,400
But I'm not dangerously underslept.
532
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,840
Andrew'd like you to think
I'm a zombie nutbag,
533
00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:42,960
but I'm not a zombie nutbag.
534
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,640
Should you maybe have
some time away?
535
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:46,920
Don't you be taken in by Andrew,
too.
536
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,080
He's managed to get Mike and Jan
on his side.
537
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:50,440
You're now my only ally.
538
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,440
Fuck off, Stephen.
I'm still your ally.
539
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,480
What sort of wanker
do you take me for?
540
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,000
I take you entirely
for a non-wanker.
541
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:03,680
Tom and I have a potential buyer
for our place.
542
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:05,440
OK... Nice couple.
543
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:07,000
I thought they'd cooled,
544
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:09,200
but apparently they met
this quite freaky guy who
545
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,000
started shit-mouthing our house.
546
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,800
They assumed he was after it
for himself, so bang!
547
00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,880
Instant offer.
548
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:18,760
I bet that guy feels like
a right prick now.
549
00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,080
And he deserves to.
550
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,240
The prick...
551
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:24,880
# Nobody loves me
552
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,840
# Nobody seem to care
553
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,120
# Nobody loves me, I say
554
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,400
# Ah, well, nobody seem to care
555
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,400
# Speaking of bad luck
and trouble, mama
556
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:45,880
# Well, you know
I've had my share. #