This programme contains strong language.
New paintings, new collage work...
Is that sticking things down?
It's so much more than sticking things down, Jan.
It is sticking things down.
I need to make two grand from selling my art.
Finally going travelling.
Two months away, just going to do it!
Great.
Fuck you!
What? You don't believe I'll go, do you?
You never believe I'll go travelling.
Your disbelief has been this kind of cosmic lasso
keeping me here for years.
It is your fault that I've never travelled.
I haven't got a cosmic lasso!
You've been saying for 20 years you'll go travelling,
and you've never been travelling, so...
I'm not scared, if that's what you think.
Andrew thinks I'm a natural traveller.
He says we're all basically nomads.
If you ignore the last 12,000 years of human history,
he makes a powerful point.
Haven't you got itchy feet?
Literally, yes, but I don't want to travel.
Although, Mum will want me to do the sup-viz this week.
Go on the road and glad hand our suppliers like Dad used to.
All right, Neil Armstrong.
Cass, you've spent time with Andrew recently, haven't you?
Is he definitely the same guy we fostered 30 years ago?
Yeah, maybe. Does it matter?
It's who you are now that's important.
Oasis and I think Jesus both said that.
I was saying to Alison that I think he might be the Devil wanting to steal my life.
No offence, Stephen,
but who the fuck would want to steal your life?
This was his itinerary for the last supplier visit.
Brewers, farmers, vineyards, places he stayed...
I'm honoured to keep the tradition going,
and to pass on the sad news about Dad to those who don't know.
Oh, I've asked Andrew to do the sup-viz.
Right.
So the face of the business is now his face?
Great, thanks.
Well, one of you has to stay and run the pub.
I'm helping Julian with the church's drug outreach.
Geoff could run the pub. Geoff?
He's done it before in the old days.
Oh, he did a grand job. He's a natural publican.
A lot like, you know...
your dad.
So, share the driving?
I can only drive an automatic.
Who only drives an automatic?
Modern people. You think it's a less manly kind of car?
You think pulling a gear stick makes you Isambard Kingdom Brunel?
Never mind. I went coast to coast USA in an RV one summer,
so I think a round trip to Hunstanton should be fine.
Is there anything you haven't done?
I mean anything in the whole fucking world?
Uh, I've never done a parachute jump.
Wow, good God!
We finally found something the great Andrew...
No! Actually, I have!
ANDREW LAUGHS
I forgot. I raised £3,000 for Barnardo's.
What can I do you for? The usual?
I don't know what that is.
Is it beer?
Don't worry, if the wife rings, I'll say you're not here.
But you've probably got a mobile.
Just popping out for a fag.
Oh, light up in here, mate.
A pub needs smoke.
You shouldn't be able to see the hand in front of your face
or smell the rank stench of the guy next to you.
No offence, Colin.
What about the smoke alarms?
I'll take the batteries out.
We're not in the EU now, Jan.
Anyway, how many people used to actually die from second-hand smoke in pubs?
About 600 a year.
OK, well, that is a lot.
But this is only for a few days.
Think of it as an olden-days theme pub.
Smoking, cheese-and-pickle rolls, and a collection for the lifeboat men.
My first patron.
Oh, the stampede begins!
Just got a text from Stephen.
Pissed off Andrew's on his sup-viz safari.
I'm concerned at how obsessed Stephen's become with him.
He is totally obsessed with Andrew.
Oh...
This one's, uh...good.
You know, dolphins are actually more intelligent than humans.
It's just they haven't got any hands, so that sort of fucked them.
Is that Andrew?
Suppose it looks a bit like him, I hadn't thought.
And is that Andrew?
No, that's a little old lady.
Her face looks quite a lot like Andrew's face.
Seems like someone else is a bit obsessed with Andrew.
Yes.
Don't worry, I won't tell Tom.
So immediately before you came to us, you were...
With my dad, my actual dad.
Briefly and horribly.
But before that, I was in care for quite a while.
And after us was...
Care, Mum, fostered in Stoke with chaotics, Dad again,
care, fostered with some quite nice boring people,
then care, then done.
Wide world.
Got you.
So care, fostered, Mum...
No, care, Mum...
Is this a test?
No, just interested!
Must have been tough. No-one has an easy life, Stephen.
We all have a cross. Yeah, what's mine?
That you're still in love with your ex-wife.
Alison's with Tom, she's moving away,
you need to move on but you can't.
We need to find someone for you while we're on tour.
We're not on tour.
Jimmy Page didn't visit pork scratchings factories.
Not at his peak, anyway.
So this is Sunnyvale Farm Foods.
I was expecting a farmhouse.
I thought we might get a cream tea.
Hi, looking for Kevin Patterson?
Yeah, that's me.
We're from the John Barleycorn in Stroud.
I have some bad news.
Laurie passed away a few weeks ago.
We've come in his place to carry on the tradition.
I'm his son, Stephen.
And this is...
his Andrew.
Laurie passed away?
I know it's...it's very sad, very sudden.
Who's Laurie?
Laurie Nichols, from the John Barleycorn.
In Stroud. Laurie visited you every year at about this time.
Every year?
He'd do a little tour visiting his suppliers, the sup-viz.
Why? No-one else does that, do they?
So you obviously stock our snacks in your pub?
The pork scratchings.
They're great scratchings. Texture, fat ratio, seasoning,
excellent.
You want to come see how we make them so it's not a wasted journey?
Sure, good to know the links in the supply chain.
Oh, Jesus! Good God!
We have to stop selling them!
We can't be involved with that!
They really do scratch the shit out of those pigs!
Three Jagerbombs, please.
ID?
What, was this taken ten years in the future
just after you had a head transplant?
Come on, hop it! Give the lads a drink.
They're underage! Chillax, Jan.
Lads need to learn to drink in pubs.
The alternative, staying at home not drinking,
can lead often to jihad.
Just keep yourselves to yourselves.
What if I say "Free drinks or I grass you up"?
I would fucking blind you!
Geoff, this is a kind of anarchy.
If a copper comes in here now,
that's our licence right up the pictures.
I'm just bringing a taste of the '70s back, like BBC Four.
But it was a different era back then,
like all the sex cases say.
As a boy, I'd watch bare-knuckle fights down at the rec.
Two fit, young Gypsy men,
not necessarily Gypsies, that's racist,
but they were always Gypsies,
stripped to the waist punching seven shades of shit out of each other.
Magic.
I've only ever had weed, so I...
I can't relate directly to your situation.
But know that you are loved by God and by those who believe in Him.
The outreach team are here to do exactly that.
Reach out.
So not exactly that, but you understand.
You've never had acid, Ellen?
No, just weed.
Never succumbed.
HE MOUTHES
SHE MOUTHES
Oh, the restaurant's Thai.
Fantastic!
Yeah, I'm not great with chilli and so on.
Intermittent IBS.
Sometimes, it's fine.
Sometimes, it's sort of mayhem.
Don't worry, I'll choose for you.
Thai food isn't about heat, it's about complex flavours.
Presumably, you've been to Thailand.
Who hasn't been to Thailand?
Oh, God, now I come to think of it, you're right.
No-one!
Do you want to find somewhere else?
No, it's fine.
We don't want to be stuck on the moors in a storm.
Might get fucked by bears or something.
Sorry, I'm sure you've been fucked by bears in a yurt in Istanbul
and it was magical.
Oh, Jesus.
Are you, uh...? Let's not even mention it.
Have some rice, maybe?
Shall I ask for a spoon?
It's fine, really.
I don't like any of it,
so not being able to pick it up is actually an advantage.
What wine is that?
Screw-top.
I'm sorry you don't like your food. You used to love spicy Nik Naks.
You ate those all the time when we played Clunk Splash.
What was Clunk Splash?
The game we played on the waste ground.
Down by the canal.
Bad luck. Clunk, but no splash.
BOTH: Clunk splash!
Do you not remember? It was you, me and...
Smelly Ellis.
Smelly Ellis?
You don't remember Smelly Ellis?
Dark hair, looked a bit like...
Harris, thingy Harris.
Rolf Harris?
No, the other one, Keith Harris!
But without Orville.
Remember?
I think so, quite smelly.
Very. Smelled like damp biscuits with a bit of shit on them.
And then he just...disappeared.
How is everything?
Oh, perfect level of grachai.
And the prawn crackers with the nam phrik shouldn't work, but so does.
More wine?
Yes, please, we're on the second cheapest red.
How do you mean Smelly Ellis disappeared?
He just wasn't there. One day, no Smelly Ellis.
I guess his family moved away...
really suddenly with no warning.
And so we stopped going to the waste ground...
by the canal.
Right.
Would you like to taste it?
I drink it so quickly, the tongue doesn't really get involved.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Andrew?
We didn't...
What?
Did we kill Smelly Ellis?
And dump him in the canal?
People don't just disappear!
Sometimes children kill other children!
Lord Of The Flies...
Not Bugsy Malone, but...
We didn't kill Smelly Ellis.
His overnight disappearance can be explained away, I'm sure.
I'm really scared we killed him.
I didn't kill Smelly Ellis.
But...
did I kill Smelly Ellis?
Do you remember killing Smelly Ellis?
I'm not doing this!
This didn't actually happen!
I genuinely don't know!
What's it say in your diary?
I did look this up earlier,
and there is an entry saying that you and Smelly Ellis went to the waste ground without me
because I had to have my verruca frozen.
Fuck! Do you think...?
But my diary isn't gospel.
Maybe he said goodbye and we forgot.
That's far more likely than you killing him.
But... But what if I got a red mist and lost control like Kenneth Noye or Naomi Campbell or the Hulk?
Can we google Smelly Ellis?
Do you know his first name?
Or maybe Ellis is his first name,
in which case, do you know his surname?
No.
Let's get some sleep.
Do you want to sleep in here?
I met Laurie once at a tasting when I first opened the vineyard.
And I spoke to him on the phone but he didn't come here every year.
No, we're hearing this a lot.
So red is absolutely an option in England right now.
It needs to be lighter stuff.
This is a Dornfelder.
Medium tannins. So there's a very rich mouth feel.
But some acidity, which is good. Oh, there we go.
A lovely glimpse of a floral note.
It's tasty. Fruity.
I like it.
It is incredibly fruity and "tasty" is exactly the word I'd use.
Is it quite strong?
14. Nice.
Not really worth bothering with anything below a 14, is it?
Absolutely. Below 14, it's a mixer.
Do you like a dry white? As I am one, yes, I do!
STEPHEN AND ANNIE LAUGH
That's when I decided to be as happy as possible as often as possible.
Jesus, please tell me how you do that!
I've never been happy.
What does it feel like?
This!
Stephen, really, you've never been happy?
I have moments, you know, but not for longer than a few minutes...
..a couple of times a year.
I imagine you're happy much of the time, Andrew?
Does that make me shallow and simple?
Oh, no. I can tell you're far from that.
It looks like we need another bottle of happiness.
Fuck me, she's perfect.
She likes you.
No, she doesn't.
Does she? She is definitely into you.
I want to stay here forever.
It's idyllic.
I'll marry Annie and there'll be no more worry
other than the worry about which delicious wine to drink next.
Ta-da!
We should be getting a cab to a B&B or something.
Stay here. I've got a spare bedroom with two beds already made up.
But is anyone else getting chilly? Shall we go inside?
I think I'll be turning in, actually, if that's not too boring.
Oh.
You'll stay up, won't you, Stephen, for a nightcap?
Thanks, I will.
Pop a jaunty little cap on the night.
My blood alcohol must never drop below a certain level,
like in Speed.
STEPHEN LAUGHS You're funny.
So are you.
They say that's key to being attracted to someone.
Oh! Do they say that?
They do say that, whoever "they" are.
ANNIE LAUGHS
This is a new bottle.
What are you getting?
Plums. Mmm.
Big, full plums.
Yeah, I'm getting that too.
Big, full...
..bursting plums.
STEPHEN SNORES
I think Annie's an alcoholic.
Possibly.
I don't like to judge.
You should keep in touch. She could help you to get over Alison.
I'm totally over Alison.
It's YOU who needs to get over the fact that I'm over her.
Do you think you might also have an issue with drink?
No.
I mean, sure, I could never actually stop,
that would be terrifying, but I function just fine.
It's like my medicine, like a tasty insulin.
Oh, I found an entry in my diary with Smelly Ellis's first name.
Fuck!
OK.
It was Harri. But the Welsh form, with an I, not a Y.
So, easier to find him on Google?
Yes.
Did you google him?
I did.
Someone with that name, our age,
is a chiropodist in Toronto.
So his family must have emigrated.
I guess. It's the most plausible explanation.
And there's a photo. Does it look like him?
Yeah, I think.
I mean...
..yeah, why not?
I can certainly imagine it's him.
So we can say... We can agree pretty conclusively,
that I didn't kill a little boy with a piece of metal.
Yeah, sure.
Phew.
Just sent my telly off. Sold it on eBay.
I won't need a TV when I come back from Indonesia or wherever I go.
You've sold a lot of your stuff.
All my stuff. Feels like a detox.
Ridding myself of all my possessions.
How big is your travel fund now, then?
£2,000.
Great, that's enough to go travelling, then, isn't it?
Not quite. It's not really, no.
I thought you said that was the exact amount you needed.
I mean, I'm tripping, but I think I remember.
OK.
Yes.
Here I go, then. Travelling!
Did you say you're tripping? That's why I'm here.
Pastoral care. Ellen's in the sky with diamonds.
She's "fried on bong-go", as I believe they say.
I just want you to know, Cass, I can see inside your throat.
I thought you should know, I can see that.
It feels, in a way, like Andrew and I might
possibly have sort of bonded on this trip.
Kind of. Has he brainwashed you?
I don't think so.
In fact, he's been reassuring me that I didn't kill a child.
What?
W-W-We thought I might have beaten a boy to death when I was 12.
But he worked out that I almost certainly didn't.
Of course you didn't kill a child!
What are you talking about?!
No, right.
Saying it out loud to someone else does make it seems a bit weird.
Do we still think Andrew might be the Devil?
Demon minimum.
How's the rest of the trip, apart from him fucking your mind to hell?
Well, I almost had sex last night...
..with another person.
I'm chalking it up as a technical win.
Go, you! Oh, sorry, Stephen, phone.
PHONE RINGING I'll catch you later.
Who was that?
Annie from the vineyard.
Just checking in. Right.
Shall we head home via the pasty suppliers?
Sure, let's go and collect some old baffled stares.
Hi, two steak pasties, please.
Right you are, my love. Hot?
Yes, please. We do actually stock your pasties in our pub.
Oh, yeah? Which one?
The John Barleycorn in Stroud.
What, Laurie's place?
Is he parking up? He's terrible at parking.
You have to leap two foot to the kerb.
He...
I'm afraid Laurie passed away.
No!
SHE SOBS
Look, can I get you a...?
It's just pasties, sorry.
So, Laurie was...
..a friend?
Or just a very loyal pasty buyer?
He was my lover.
Shit the bed.
This would be the main time of year...
..a week in the summer.
But he'd nip down for the odd weekend.
How long were you...?
22 years.
He loved me and I loved him.
We made the most of our time together.
We used to go salsa dancing.
We used to water-ski.
Dad, water-skiing?
A bit of scuba, too.
I'm very sorry that we had to bring you such bad news.
I can't believe it. I'll have to...
..dig out the old videos of me and Laurie later, give them a watch.
V-Videos of Dad? Could I possibly...?
They're sex videos.
You're fine, then.
I'm just saying she deserves to know.
It'll open a wound.
Which can heal and close.
He's dead, so it won't close!
It'll remain open all the time like Chicken Cottage.
We should tell her. Tell who what?
We found out Dad was having an affair!
Which one? What do you mean, which one?
There were a few over the years. He was like a dog with two dicks.
Was this Christine, with the funny arm, or Old Big Tits?
What was her name? Marion? Dad had various mistresses?!
Mum and I weren't sure that you had the emotional resources to handle it.
I'm not some emotional cripple! I can handle emotion!
Stephen, you just need to breathe. Fuck off.
Just take a breath, mate. Fuck off! One breath.
Thank you. I can hear every word of this, by the way.
Shit.
Julian came to sit with me because I'm tripping...
..balls. Is it acid?
She has taken LSD.
Laurie didn't tell me about this...
..Ruth.
S-So that means he loved her.
No. No, I really don't think so.
I mean, we always told each other about our flings.
Each other? You had flings, too?!
It was quite an open marriage.
No, it wasn't, was it?
This is the acid talking. Flings?! Breathe.
I took various lovers over the years.
Chris Branigan.
Leslie Saddler.
Mike Dewar.
Hugh Clough. Was it Clough?
How many flings did you have, Mum?!
I don't know.
11. 11 flings?
Who are you, Madonna?!
Calm down, love.
I'm going to make some coffee.
Let me plunge the cafetiere.
Is she having a fling with him,
a Christian fling?!
Is he the 12th, like a dirty apostle?
That's a bit of a double standard, Stephen.
I mean, how many partners have you had over 40-odd years?
Three.
Four, if you count just rubbing.
Andrew...
..could I have a quick word?
This is very minimalist.
I sold everything to pay for my travelling.
But I can't go. Because...?
I've fallen in love with you.
I realised all my paintings were of you,
even the old ladies and the Buddha.
So although I want to go travelling, obviously,
I can't, because I'd have to leave you.
Come and sit down.
I sold my chairs to a man in Leicester.
On the floor.
You're an old soul with a capacity to heal and to love
and you need to take that gift into the world.
You have to travel and not just for two months, but for five, maybe six.
How could I afford that?
You've got your shares in the business.
Yes, I could sell my shares in the business!
But let's not think about that now.
You've got a lot of love to give. Loads.
And before you think about giving it to me or to anyone else,
you need to learn to love yourself.
And that happens on the open road
with your backpack strapped on and your Gore-Tex boots full of dust.
It happens in a cafe in Istanbul, as you sip thick, black Turkish coffee,
hit by the spice smells of the noon-hot street stalls.
It happens as you make love with some other old soul
on a beach at dusk in Cambodia.
It happens in Tuscany and Mozambique and Uzbekistan...
..among ancient temples and neon streets.
That's where you get to know yourself
and what you're capable of.
# You've gotta search for the hero inside yourself
# Search for the secrets you hide
# You've gotta search for the... #
Shh. # The hero inside yourself
# Until you find the key to your life. #
Stephen, Geoff's texted to say the pub's on fire.
You're tripping, Mum!
You're off your tits!
SIRENS BLARE
FIREFIGHTERS YELL
See? It is on fire, isn't it?
Was it electrical?
We think it was a bunch of badly extinguished cigarettes.
Were people smoking in the pub?!
No way. We've got CCTV.
Everyone was smoking in the pub.
Fucking hell!
Heartbreaking. You're insured, though?
Of course.
I-I-It renews automatically...
..I think.
I-I haven't renewed it since Dad died but I'm sure it does...
..renew automatically.
Pretty sure.
Does it? I mean, they all do now, don't they?
S-So ours will.
That's the standard, isn't it? Automatic renewal.
Andrew...
..what shall we do?
ELLEN SOBS
It'll be fine.
Trust me.
MUSIC: Season of the Witch by Donovan
SIRENS BLARE
# Mmm, must be the season of the witch
# Must be the season of the witch, yeah
# Must be the season of the witch. #