1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,960 This programme contains very strong language, adult humour 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:07,320 and some scenes viewers might find distressing 3 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:09,680 You have to travel, and not just for two months. 4 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:12,640 But for five, maybe six. 5 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,800 Heartbreaking. You're insured, though? 6 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:17,320 Of course. It renews automatically. 7 00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:18,840 I think. What shall we do? 8 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:21,200 It'll be fine. Trust me. 9 00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,680 All done. Made safe until you can renovate. 10 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,760 We propped Strongboy heads over the Acro Plates 11 00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:40,120 instead of needle beam, 12 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:43,480 and the brace couplers are obviously swivelled, not fixed. 13 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:44,960 Obviously. Nice one. 14 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,240 Cheers, mate. 15 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:52,440 The bank lady laughed down the phone when I mentioned the amount we need. 16 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:54,720 She claimed it was a sneeze, but it was a laugh. 17 00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,920 Well, something needs to happen, because you forgot to renew 18 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,080 the fire insurance. 19 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:01,960 It was a collective forgetting. We all thought Dad had done it. 20 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,680 Whoever's to blame - you, Stephen - or whoever, 21 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:06,720 we're up widdle creek like a bunch of cunts. 22 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,920 Jeff was actually responsible for the fire. 23 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,640 If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be responsible for the pub not being 24 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,200 insured, which I'm not. 25 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,880 I should get going. I need to head back and check my rucksack before 26 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,960 I leave this afternoon. I've checked it six times, 27 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:20,400 so I just need to check it another four and then I'm good to go. 28 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:22,840 Cass the Traveller! Are you excited? Fuck, yes. 29 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:24,280 And you'll be away for two months. 30 00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:25,560 No, it's six now. 31 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,160 Half a year just bloody travelling like a traveller. 32 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:30,880 Morning. Thought we could all do with a coffee. 33 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,080 Stephen, you all right there with your morning wine? 34 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:35,840 I'm fine with my morning wine, thank you. 35 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,440 So, Cass, how can you afford to travel for six months? 36 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:40,320 I can earn some money along the way, you know? 37 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:43,240 Shearing sheep in New South Wales, or helping to harvest corn 38 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:44,800 for the Incas. The Incas? 39 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:48,480 Or whoever. Plus, Andrew's bought my shares in the pub, so... 40 00:01:48,520 --> 00:01:52,760 What? That means you've got a 30% share now, more than me. 41 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,040 I just thought, if I had a greater share in the business, 42 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,400 then it would make sense for me to pump more money into it, 43 00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,760 pay for all these repairs. You're a superhero! 44 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:02,320 Cass didn't want to sell to a stranger. 45 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:03,520 This keeps it in the family. 46 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:04,960 No, it doesn't. You're not family. 47 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:06,120 You're just some bloke. 48 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:10,120 Stephen! I made a promise to your dad as he lay there with the cancer 49 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:13,320 eating his oesophagus like it was a fucking cannelloni that we'd keep 50 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:17,080 his beloved pub going, and I'll keep that promise. 51 00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,200 And I'm some kind of hindrance to that, am I? 52 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,560 I'm taking Maureen for a walk. 53 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,280 I may be some time. 54 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:29,200 And that's corked, by the way. 55 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:31,480 Don't throw it out. 56 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:45,760 Is it legal? 57 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,880 Cass is very easily influenced. 58 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:50,760 Remember when she bought all those crab sticks from that guy in his 59 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:51,960 transit van? 60 00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,520 They were just loose in a holdall. 61 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,480 Well, unless you can prove Andrew coerced her, 62 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:56,640 there's not much you can do. 63 00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,760 No, I know. How's Maureen? 64 00:02:58,800 --> 00:02:59,840 I'm walking her now. 65 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:00,920 She's a lot better. 66 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,920 Has she got the little pink coat on I gave her? 67 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,960 She has got the little pink coat on, yes. 68 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,400 Oh, you know I said we were moving away? 69 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,880 Yes. Are you not now? Are you staying around here? 70 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:13,000 BROKEN REPLY Alison? 71 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,320 No signal. Fucking masts. 72 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,680 DOG YELPS 73 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:28,000 Bollocks! 74 00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:29,800 You're not leaving that there? 75 00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,640 My dog's ran off. I have to catch her. 76 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,440 It can send kids blind, dog muck. 77 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:36,320 Do you enjoy blinding toddlers? 78 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:37,600 I genuinely don't. 79 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,520 I'll clear that up when I find my dog. 80 00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,880 Next time, why don't you just get your dog to shit straight 81 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,280 in a baby's eyes? 82 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,200 They should exterminate vermin like you. 83 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,600 You are subhuman filth! 84 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:52,880 Maureen! 85 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,160 Come see Daddy, Mau-mau! 86 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,560 AIR RUSHES 87 00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:04,760 HE QUIETLY WHISTLES 88 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:06,040 BRANCH BREAKS 89 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:11,520 Maureen! 90 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:14,640 Hello? 91 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:18,800 Oh, fuck! 92 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,680 Oh, my God. 93 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:22,760 Oh, fuck! Oh, Jesus! Fuck! 94 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:29,320 Shit! Signal. 95 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:35,920 Shit! Shit! Shit! 96 00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,600 Why don't you... Shit! 97 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:39,280 Just one fucking bar. 98 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,080 God, you fucking... 99 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:45,000 Fuck, fuck! 100 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,480 Jesus, fuck! 101 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:52,160 Hi, can you help me? 102 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,520 Someone's dead on purpose. 103 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:56,200 You OK? Where's Maureen? 104 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:58,280 There's a body. A man. 105 00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:00,360 A dead man. We need policemen. 106 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,960 We have to get someone with a signal. 107 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,440 I'm a bit puffed. Can you carry me? 108 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:05,760 Give me a piggyback? 109 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,000 No, that's mad, but... 110 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,920 I'll call the police. Have you got a signal? 111 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,360 How have you got a signal? 112 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,360 Fucking hell. Yeah, police, please. Thank you. 113 00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,400 Shall I speak to them? As I found him. 114 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:16,160 Hi, yeah, we think we've found dead body. 115 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:19,520 Not think! And then you say we, but I actually discovered it... 116 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:21,120 Him. Charlesworth Woods. 117 00:05:21,160 --> 00:05:23,400 Yeah, give me a cell number. I'll ping you the GPS deets. 118 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:28,400 You read about dog walkers finding bodies, but you never think 119 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:29,520 it'll be you. 120 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:32,200 I feel weirdly... Not excited, that would be wrong but... 121 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:33,800 Oh, Jesus. 122 00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:36,400 I know. The colour. 123 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,120 Like a Premier Inn. 124 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:41,600 Should we lift his legs up in case there's any chance he might... 125 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:42,960 Do you want to do it? 126 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:50,160 I don't think you can look like that and not be completely dead. 127 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,200 I can't look. 128 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:55,000 Can you imagine ever being that desperate? 129 00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,600 Yup. Really? 130 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,640 Oh, God, yes. I'm precisely the sort of man who kills himself. 131 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:02,520 Yeah, I'm not sure you could end your own life, Stephen. 132 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:05,120 What do you know? I could totally kill myself. 133 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:08,920 In fact, I often think that's how I'll go. Hanging, vodka and pills, 134 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,560 level crossing. 135 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,760 I just don't know, that if the moment came, YOU could actually... 136 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:15,440 Are you daring me to kill myself? 137 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,000 No! Because if/when I do, 138 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,760 don't go spouting off about how you goaded me into it, 139 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,120 because, believe me, I was going to do it anyway. 140 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,840 I've drafted five suicide notes in my time. 141 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,800 Three in my head, and two on paper. 142 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:28,960 I don't need your help. 143 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,760 Are you angry about Cass' shares? 144 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,640 I'm angry about fucking everything. 145 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,360 Oh, Cass will like this. 146 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,480 She loves seeing her name written in big. 147 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:45,800 Has she had all her jabs? 148 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:48,320 I think it's all fine these days, isn't it, in terms of jabs? 149 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:49,600 I'm not sure it is, Geoff. 150 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,320 Typhoid, hepatitis, cholera. 151 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,080 They should let the kids catch all that stuff like they used to. 152 00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,440 Build up resistance. 153 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:56,840 To cholera? 154 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,800 Oh, we had this through the door. 155 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,760 It's a proposal for that new estate they're planning. Looks great. 156 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:03,040 It's a terrible idea, Jan. 157 00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:05,680 Yeah. I know people have to live somewhere, but it really doesn't 158 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,360 take long for a place to get built up. 159 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:08,480 Just look at Dubai. 160 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:11,400 A lot of farmers are selling up to these estates chancers. 161 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,640 Even offered me a small fortune for my place. 162 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,920 More fool them - you'd never sell. 163 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,320 The only way I'd leave that farm is in a box. 164 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:20,240 I mean a coffin, not just a normal box. 165 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,440 So, can we protest? Go to the next council meeting? 166 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,840 Sadly, Ellen, the following words spring to mind - 167 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,480 horse, door, stable, and bolted. 168 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:28,760 Yes, but if we... And closed. 169 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:30,120 No, closing. I get it, Geoff. 170 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:33,200 Closing, like, the, is... That's after has. 171 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:34,320 Got you. And another the. 172 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:37,000 That's like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted. 173 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,200 Spot on. Well, I think it's rotten, profit over everything. 174 00:07:40,240 --> 00:07:42,800 Yeah. I'm going to ice Cass' goodbye cake. 175 00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:47,120 You're selling them your farm, aren't you, Geoff? 176 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:48,320 Course I fucking am. 177 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,480 Shall I make you the primary contact, Mr Donnelly? 178 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:54,560 No. 179 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,600 As we mentioned, Stephen was here a few moments before I was. 180 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,280 I'll put you both down. It was minutes rather than moments. 181 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:04,320 Not tens of minutes, but certainly, you know, fives of minutes. 182 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,240 OK. I think that's it for now. 183 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:07,600 Thank you, Detective Sergeant. 184 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,440 A grim old discovery... 185 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,160 ..for me to make... 186 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,120 ..on my own. 187 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,320 Sorry, again, about the vomit. 188 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:16,520 That's fine. 189 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:20,560 I hope it doesn't compromise the work of the forensics boys. 190 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:24,120 No. Will they be putting up one of those special tents? 191 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:25,320 I don't know. Probably. 192 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,680 If we're done here, I might carry on with my run. 193 00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,600 Shake off this tension. All done. 194 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,960 Would you like me to remain in situ? 195 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,680 Happy to answer any more questions. 196 00:08:34,720 --> 00:08:36,640 No, you're good to go. 197 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:38,160 Need to find your dog, anyway. 198 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,560 Oh, God, yes. I'd forgotten. 199 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,120 OK, you've got my number. 200 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:47,680 You're off on your run, then? 201 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:49,400 Yeah. I'll just warm up again. 202 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:57,440 Maureen! 203 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,240 I'm just so excited. 204 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,760 It feels a bit like fear, huge fear, but it isn't. 205 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:03,960 It's excitement. 206 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:06,760 I feel sick to my stomach with brilliant excitement. 207 00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,280 I admire you. I've seen the world. 208 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:10,760 All manner of things could go wrong. 209 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,440 Yeah, but they won't, will they? 210 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:14,960 Aw! 211 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,400 I'm sorry, but they've offered a tonne of money. 212 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,160 More than I'd ever get otherwise. 213 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,440 I can't turn it down. 214 00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:22,960 Your lovely farm. 215 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,520 It's not lovely, though, is it? 216 00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,000 It's a shit farm, really. 217 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:27,240 Never makes a profit. 218 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,680 Bleak as all fuck. 219 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,600 So, why not take the money, and feel like a winner for once? 220 00:09:31,640 --> 00:09:34,400 In this life, no-one gets a medal for coming second. 221 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,440 Yes, they do. They get a silver medal. 222 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,160 Yeah, no, I realised that as I said it. 223 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,200 Done all yours? Yep. 224 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:44,880 Varied the height of the posters on each lamp post 225 00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:46,360 for optimum visibility. 226 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:47,920 We will find her, won't we? 227 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,520 She's only little. It's been hours. 228 00:09:49,560 --> 00:09:52,120 She'll come back. She's probably having some amazing 229 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,440 Disney-like adventure with a Labrador and a Siamese cat. 230 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,560 Solving crimes! 231 00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:00,120 So, moving away? 232 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:01,400 Have you changed your plans? 233 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,200 Oh, you know. Yeah. 234 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,880 But it's nothing and something, and feelings and things. 235 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:08,280 But not really. 236 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,320 But also really, and... 237 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,760 You know. Sure. 238 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,760 So, you and Tom are a bit...? 239 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,400 I sometimes think he has no idea who I am. 240 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:18,080 You always knew who I was. 241 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,960 I felt it was the least I could do. 242 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,040 It's Janet, isn't it? 243 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,120 Fuck you! 244 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,720 Ready or not, world, here I come! 245 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,200 Quick, world! Hide! 246 00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:31,160 Make sure you've packed a fuckload of hand sanitizer. 247 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:32,520 Oh, look. Turn this up. 248 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:34,400 This is my body. 249 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,640 A man has been named locally as Martin Edward Barry, 250 00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:41,120 whose car dealership recently went into administration. 251 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:44,160 His body was discovered this morning by the landlord of the John 252 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:47,320 Barleycorn public house in Snow's Hill Road. 253 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:50,760 My thoughts and the thoughts of everyone at the John Barleycorn 254 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:54,240 are with this gentleman's family and friends at this tragic time. 255 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:55,360 I'm the landlord. 256 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:56,800 You're not the landlord. 257 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:59,080 It just makes the narrative clearer for the layperson. 258 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:00,120 And you didn't find him. 259 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,840 I did. Do you say that on camera? 260 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,600 Do you say that I found the body? 261 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:05,720 Will the public know? 262 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,360 Sure, I think. 263 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,120 Although, it might not have made the edit. 264 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,280 I did talk for quite a while. 265 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,000 Fuck this! This is my body we're talking about. 266 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,680 I have rights over my body. 267 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:15,920 A man died, Stephen. 268 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,840 Took his own life. That's the main thing here. 269 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,720 I'm aware of that. I know he took his own life, because I found his 270 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,920 swinging, purple corpse, but I've received no credit. 271 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,880 Credit? Not credit, but you know what I mean. 272 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,080 Sort of credit. 273 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,760 Not credit as in credit, but credit. 274 00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,120 It's the lack of bloody phone masts. 275 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,360 I need to be going. I'll never find another body. 276 00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:36,800 This was my one chance. 277 00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,560 Me! My cab's here. 278 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,720 Oh, darling. Come here. 279 00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:43,280 There you go, my sweet. 280 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,520 Mum, I'll have to take this off again to get in the car. 281 00:11:45,560 --> 00:11:50,040 My baby! All grown up at 36, and off to see the world. 282 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,280 PHONE RINGS 283 00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:52,320 Hello? 284 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:54,560 Yes, it is. Yeah. 285 00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,040 Yeah, so we've found your dog. 286 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:58,280 Pink coat. 287 00:11:58,320 --> 00:11:59,640 Brilliant. Where are you? 288 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,160 A grand, or I kill it. 289 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:04,440 What? You bring me £1,000 cash, or I put your dog behind 290 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,000 my back wheel, and I drive over it. 291 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,160 Nailsworth multistorey, one hour. 292 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:10,560 Money or she gets crushed. 293 00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,560 Call the police, she gets crushed. 294 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,640 We've got people in the police. 295 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,840 OK. Cass is off, guys. 296 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,040 Come and wave goodbye. 297 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,120 Do you want me to come with you? I'm fine. 298 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:21,640 They might try to really hurt you. 299 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,120 Maybe just pop along, then. 300 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:34,200 This Programme Contains Very Strong Language And Some Violence 301 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:37,160 Does that guy look like he kidnaps dogs? Yes. But then... 302 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,680 ..so does that one. 303 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,680 And him. 304 00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,760 They all look like they kidnap dogs. 305 00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:47,200 And if you told me they also wanked them off for money, I wouldn't be surprised. 306 00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:50,680 You here about the dog? 307 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,600 We are. Now, we're very concerned... 308 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,600 Shut up! ..and you are very angry. 309 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:56,520 So, let's attempt to triangulate those... 310 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,240 Shut the fuck up! You got the money? 311 00:12:58,280 --> 00:12:59,600 I need to see the dog first. 312 00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:03,400 No, money now or I run her over until she fucking bursts. 313 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:04,800 Hey, let's everyone calm down. 314 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,160 Hey, let's you fuck off. 315 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:07,520 Don't burst Maureen! 316 00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:08,840 I will fucking burst her. 317 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:10,880 I'm not even lying. A grand, now. 318 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,200 You look like a reasonable guy. 319 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:13,560 Yeah, and you look like a bender. 320 00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:14,800 I've told you to shut up. 321 00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,120 What I'd like to do now is to actively listen 322 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,160 to what you want out of this scenario. 323 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:20,400 Oh, don't tell me you were a 324 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:23,360 dog hostage negotiator in the fucking Lebanon or somewhere. 325 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:26,800 Right, I'm going to burst her like a fucking space hopper full of guts. 326 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,840 No! No, no. 327 00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:33,880 Oi, city balls! Come here, you little shit! 328 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:35,200 Geoff? Is that you? 329 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:36,240 Don't call me Geoff. 330 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:37,680 He'll know I'm called Geoff. 331 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:39,560 Sorry...Lenny. 332 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:40,720 Dog killer, are we? 333 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,240 No, I haven't got the dog, all right? 334 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,640 It was a con. I just saw the poster. 335 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,240 You want to kill dogs, is that it? 336 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,440 No, leave me alone! I love dogs. 337 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:48,680 KIDNAPPER SCREAMS 338 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,760 They are sweet and trusting creatures. 339 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,520 No, I haven't got the dog! 340 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:54,600 You ever looked in a dog's eyes?! 341 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,040 Pure devotion! 342 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,800 Beautiful, moves you to tears! 343 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,160 KIDNAPPER SCREAMS 344 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:06,280 STEPHEN'S PHONE BEEPS There is no greater love than a dog for its master and vice versa. 345 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:07,960 KIDNAPPER YELPING Geoff! I'm sorry... 346 00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,640 Lenny! He's telling the truth! 347 00:14:09,680 --> 00:14:11,200 A text from Jan. KIDNAPPER COUGHING 348 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,760 Maureen's come home! She's back at the pub. She's fine! 349 00:14:13,800 --> 00:14:16,360 I know, mate. The dog came back just before I left! 350 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:22,000 So, Andrew IS up to something. 351 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,280 I knew it. You can't fool me. 352 00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:26,920 Although, I was once tricked into buying a mini disk player. 353 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,400 So, what exactly did he tell you, this Greg...? 354 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,640 Greg Fuller. He's the clerk of works for the new estate. 355 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,600 Comes to my Pilates class and pretends 356 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,520 to be gay so we won't mind him staring. 357 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:41,160 Classic Greg. He said that your pub is sitting on a potential access road like a goose 358 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:45,200 on a golden egg. They're going to offer you 40% over market price to knock it down. 359 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,680 So, this is what Brother Andrew's pilgrimage is about. 360 00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,280 Worm his way in, sell the pub, cash up, and cunt off. 361 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:53,960 It's possible. Possible, shmossible. 362 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,240 It's probable. Actually, probable shmobable! 363 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,760 It's certain. So, advantage, you. 364 00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:02,920 Knowledge is power, and you know something Andrew doesn't know you know. 365 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,200 One step ahead. 366 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:05,680 Like I was for a brief moment in the 367 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:08,560 school cross-country before I tripped over my own laces. 368 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,040 Life's looking good. And Maureen's safe. 369 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,800 Do you know where she got to? Just chilling in the woods, 370 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:15,600 like the three bears or Savile. 371 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,600 I really wasn't sure she was clever enough to find her own way home. 372 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:20,720 Oh, she's a very clever girl. 373 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:23,640 Who's the cleverest girl in the whole world? 374 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:25,800 I suspect that's probably a human. 375 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:27,080 MAUREEN PANTING 376 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,440 So, when will your architect guy be here to plan the rebuild? 377 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,520 Soon. He's finishing another project in Zurich. 378 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,840 Oh, Zurich? 379 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:37,960 Very architect-y. 380 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:39,560 Ah, Andrew. 381 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:44,040 Here's an interesting thing I heard about this new estate. 382 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:45,320 Apparently, they want to... 383 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:48,280 CASS: Bonjour! ELLEN: Cass! Is everything all right? 384 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,040 Brilliant. I have had such an amazing time. 385 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,280 Crazy amazing! 386 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,040 You've only been away four days. 387 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,800 Is that all? It feels like years. 388 00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:59,560 How are you all? Andrew, dear, sweet Andrew. 389 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:00,920 Look at you. 390 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,760 I have got so much to tell you, my good friend. 391 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,840 Erm, s-should we pay the cabbie? 392 00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:07,560 How much, mate? Oh, sorry. 393 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:09,200 Everyone, this is Paul. 394 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,440 Paul, this is everyone. Hello there. 395 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:12,760 We're sort of married. 396 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:15,720 I've got so much to tell you... How old is he?! 397 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,960 WHISPERS: 70! ..I feel like I went away a caterpillar 398 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:19,520 and I've come back a butterfly! 399 00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,960 GEOFF: And you brought back one of the blokes from Cocoon. 400 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,200 I got as far as Lille, 401 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,840 then there was a problem with basically all of my train bookings. 402 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,920 They said that I hadn't clicked the payment thing. 403 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,440 Not your fault. 404 00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:31,160 Bad web design. PAUL KISSES CASS 405 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,240 So, I ended up staying at this hotel near Lille Station. 406 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,760 Met Paul, made this connection, and just thought, 407 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,640 "Do I really need to actually travel for six months?" 408 00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:43,160 You can see the world in a grain of sand. 409 00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:44,400 Or on the telly. 410 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,120 Travelling to me is just moving from one place to another 411 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,960 in some kind of a vehicle. 412 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,320 A fascinating theory. 413 00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:05,520 I-Is Paul OK, do you think? 414 00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:07,800 He's fine. He spends a lot of time in the toilet. 415 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,160 It's one of his quirks. 416 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,600 Isn't he great? Where's he been all my life? 417 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:12,960 At a day centre. 418 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,360 And you're married to him? 419 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,520 Sort of. Paul did a kind of selfie marriage ceremony, 420 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,800 and he's an ex-pilot so it felt legal. 421 00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:23,520 ANDREW: Your Lille experience was obviously a very powerful one. 422 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,240 I think of everything out as pre-and post-Lille. 423 00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,080 Hanging out there has changed me so much. 424 00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,600 They do Fanta in Lille, but a different Fanta. 425 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,000 It's made of lemons and they call it "Limon." 426 00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:34,320 It's another world. 427 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:36,520 You wouldn't understand unless you've been to Lille. 428 00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,680 Ham for breakfast, tabac shops... 429 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,400 ..God, I could go on. 430 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,480 Cass tells us your an ex-pilot, Paul. 431 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:43,960 So, civilian or military? 432 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:45,320 Hovercraft. 433 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:46,880 He was a hovercraft pilot. 434 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:49,440 Isn't that amazing? It can go on the land and the water. 435 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,120 Like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, although that could also fly. 436 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,840 It couldn't ALSO fly. 437 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:55,320 I-It's main thing was that it flew. 438 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:58,520 To be fair, Chitty was an amphibious craft. 439 00:17:58,560 --> 00:17:59,680 No, I-I get that, Paul. 440 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:00,720 I've seen the film, 441 00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,560 but that's not what people remember about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. 442 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:04,600 It's the flying. 443 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:09,760 It's like when hearing the word "pilot" my mind doesn't immediately go to "hovercraft." 444 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,880 So, what's been happening here since I've been away? Any goss? 445 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,680 Well, I heard some top goss today. 446 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,800 Apparently, the estate guys want to 447 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:20,320 demolish this pub to build an access road, 448 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:23,280 and they'll offer as 40% over the market price. 449 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,280 40?! Fuck my old banjo. 450 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:26,560 I wonder, Andrew if... 451 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,400 ANDREW: You're not going to accept this offer are you, Stephen? 452 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,560 No, it's not about me accepting the offer. 453 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:33,680 It's about you. Stephen, how could you?! 454 00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:35,920 If Stephen's insisting we sell and take all the money, 455 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,400 then maybe we should... No, no, I'm... but I'm dead against it. 456 00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:40,800 I'm not insisting anything. I'm saying that Andrew... 457 00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,720 We must keep the mighty Barleycorn going. 458 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:43,800 We simply have to. 459 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:47,000 Laurie's dying wish was that his pub should carry on. 460 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,680 Who are we to deny a dying man right, Ellen? 461 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:53,280 Right. Who cares how many hundreds of thousands of pounds they offer. 462 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:54,520 I fucking do! 463 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:56,480 This could scupper the whole project, 464 00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:58,440 and I'll die on my shitty farm and 465 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:01,320 be eaten by all the emaciated fucking animals! 466 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:04,880 Here's the plan - we repair the J bar, I put in some more cash, 467 00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:06,160 get some mates to help out, 468 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:09,400 and we turn this place into the best pub in a 30 mile radius. 469 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,760 Let's do this! 470 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,240 Hear, hear! I like this guy. 471 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,400 He's glib, but he has an aura. 472 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,160 To the John Barleycorn! 473 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,600 ALL: The John Barleycorn! 474 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,280 Yeah, fuck the lot of you. 475 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,400 Good, renovations start Tuesday morning. 476 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:32,720 So, if you want to be there to meet 477 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,440 the architect and the project manager... 478 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:36,920 I'm not sure if this is a double bluff 479 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,000 or some kind of 3D Escher bluff 480 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:43,560 or a fucking Rubik's bluff, but I'm onto you, my friend. 481 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,720 Onto me? You find the teats on anything 482 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,080 and then just milk it into your fucking bucket, don't you? 483 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,480 You should get away, Stephen, for a weekend. 484 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,320 Finding Martin's body will have taken its toll mentally. 485 00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:56,640 I am not mad. 486 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,360 I'm the sanest man alive. 487 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:00,760 Oh, there's Jo. 488 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:01,960 I should say hello. 489 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,520 Who's Jo? Martin Barry's widow. Widow? 490 00:20:04,560 --> 00:20:05,640 How do you know the widow?! 491 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:07,000 She got in touch via the police. 492 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,640 She's such an extraordinary woman, 493 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:10,600 having to hold it together for those poor girls. 494 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,160 You piece of shit! 495 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:13,400 You've stolen my body. 496 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,760 You're a body snatcher! 497 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,240 If the handling of this story about 498 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:18,640 a father's suicide has caused you distress, I'm sorry. 499 00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:20,200 Don't try to make me out to be the 500 00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,240 unreasonable one here, or hysterical. 501 00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,360 You've took my dead businessman away from me, 502 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,280 and it's perfectly reasonable to be angry! 503 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,280 Do you think, maybe, this is more to do with the pub? 504 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,920 That you feel I'm taking a part of your late father away? 505 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,720 Don't analyse me, Sigmund Fuck. 506 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,120 I'm gonna say hi to Jo. 507 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:42,600 Hi, there. Hello. 508 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,240 The girls are just off to their nan's, 509 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:48,160 but they've done you a drawing to thank you for everything. 510 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:52,560 You must have been very traumatised by the discovery. 511 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,720 You've been a real rock for us. 512 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:56,880 Um, actually... 513 00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:58,000 Don't. 514 00:20:58,040 --> 00:20:59,840 I found him... 515 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,520 ..M-Martin, y-your husband. 516 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,240 A-And your dad. 517 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:05,720 Hi, I'm Stephen. 518 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:08,720 Hello. A-Andrew actually arrived a bit later, 519 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:12,480 but because of the mobile mast situation, 520 00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:15,760 which I've e-mailed Ofcom about... 521 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:17,000 ..twice... 522 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,840 ..I-I had no signal. 523 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:23,800 B-But it was my... 524 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:28,880 ..dark privilege to, you know, be there at... 525 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:31,720 ..Martin's... 526 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:34,480 ..Daddy's departure. 527 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,880 I-I hope I brought him comfort. 528 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:41,480 H-He was already dead, I-I couldn't have saved him, but maybe... 529 00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:45,080 ..I d-don't know, d-does consciousness remain at all after 530 00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:46,440 asphyxiation? 531 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:52,560 Nice to meet you all... 532 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,040 Finally. Thoughts are very much... 533 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,080 MUSIC: Leaving The Table by Leonard Cohen 534 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,640 # Lonely then the table 535 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:15,280 # I'm out of the game 536 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,640 # I'm leaving the table 537 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,480 # I'm out of the game 538 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,040 # I'm leaving the table 539 00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:36,400 # I'm out of the game. #