1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 This programme contrains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,000 And how are our desserts here? 3 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:12,520 This cherry clafoutis is exquisite. 4 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:14,640 It's one of Juliet's specialities. 5 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:17,640 She trained in the Limousin region, the home of clafoutis. 6 00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:19,280 Well, I've never had clafoutis like it. 7 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:22,240 I fear we may have ruined all other clafoutis for you. 8 00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:25,840 The clafoutis that Juliet makes is quite simply a phenomenal clafoutis. 9 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,160 Hiya, Geoff, how's it going? 10 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,440 My father died in 1982. 11 00:00:32,480 --> 00:00:33,920 Right, anything we can do or... 12 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,240 I had a rummage last week, 13 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,880 looking for photos for Laurie's birthday memorial, 14 00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:39,680 found Dad's death certificate. 15 00:00:39,720 --> 00:00:41,280 Died of bowel cancer. 16 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:42,720 Oh, Laurie, had that, too, right? 17 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:47,800 Well, Laurie started with bowel, then it went to his stomach, lungs, and oesophagus, liver and kidney. 18 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,200 He was like a cancer pasty in the end. 19 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,400 So, I'm having myself tested. 20 00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,400 I wouldn't worry, Geoff, you're an active guy, 21 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:55,760 you don't look your age at all. 22 00:00:55,800 --> 00:00:57,560 How old do you reckon I am then? 23 00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:59,600 Five years younger than whatever you really are? 24 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:01,520 Well, that's very kind, Jan, thank you. 25 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,120 But genes are genes. 26 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:04,760 Do you have blood in your stools, Geoff? 27 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:06,320 You know, if you don't mind me asking. 28 00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,760 I don't seem to, Mike, so that's a blob of comfort. 29 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,880 Awww. How about a lunch, Geoff, settle yourself down. 30 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,200 Do you still do paninis? 31 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,400 We're not a panini kind of pub any more. 32 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,160 Here's a bar menu. 33 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:20,040 Go on, then, I'll have the warm beetroot and fennel salad 34 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,400 with sheep's curd and red onion marmalade. 35 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:23,680 And a Diet Dr Pepper? 36 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:24,720 Magic. 37 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:25,840 Yeah. 38 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:37,440 SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR 39 00:01:37,480 --> 00:01:38,480 It's open. 40 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:41,880 Hi. 41 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:43,120 How're you doing? 42 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:44,480 Fine, you know, 43 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,720 lying still, chilling, 44 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:49,280 having a nice stare. 45 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:50,680 I tried calling you but... 46 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,640 Andrew's won, hasn't he? 47 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:57,880 Transformed the pub into a terrible brilliant success in a way I simply couldn't. 48 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:01,360 Owns a bigger share of it than me, customers love him, 49 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:02,400 he's won. 50 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:03,680 Only if you accept he has. 51 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,360 I accept he has. 52 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:09,000 He's stolen my life, and he's living it better than me. 53 00:02:09,040 --> 00:02:11,840 He deserves everything that wasn't coming to me, 54 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:14,000 but will come to him now that he is me. 55 00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,000 Andrew is just a guy. 56 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,200 No, he's got powers. 57 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:22,000 Mum's asked us both to give speeches at Dad's birthday memorial. 58 00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:23,760 Whose speech will be brilliant? 59 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:25,760 Who will people think is Laurie's heir? 60 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:26,960 You know who. 61 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,040 You are his heir. You're his blood family. 62 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,440 Come on, you can hire people to write speeches. 63 00:02:32,480 --> 00:02:34,200 Let's find you a guy to... 64 00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:35,240 Are you OK? 65 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,760 Anxiety pills. 66 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,360 Not pills to give me anxiety, to prevent it. 67 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:43,080 My GP calls them "keep calm and carry on" pills. 68 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:44,560 Because he's a dreadful fucker. 69 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,760 You're not meant to drink alcohol with them, are you? 70 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,880 No, that's why I'm only having white wine. 71 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:49,920 Right. 72 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:53,520 I am not going to let you wallow in a half-pissed haze of self-pity. 73 00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:56,240 This is the moment we do the Rocky montage. 74 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:59,600 Out of bed! This is your pub. You are Laurie's son. 75 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:01,080 So let's sort you out. 76 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,720 When was the last time you had a shower? 77 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:04,480 This morning. Oh, right. 78 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:05,640 Why, do I smell? 79 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:06,680 No. 80 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,280 I mean it was literally two hours ago. 81 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,440 No, sorry, it was sort of a rhetorical flourish. 82 00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:11,880 Do I stink? 83 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:13,880 Is that something else to feel anxious about? 84 00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:15,400 Oh, for fuck's sake, Stephen! 85 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:20,440 I don't think we've ever had so many covers. 86 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,360 Oh, you're a marvel, Juliet. 87 00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:25,080 And how clever of you to bring her over here, Andrew. 88 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:28,560 Not seen Paul back for a few days. 89 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:29,880 No, he died. 90 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,560 I'm joking. We split up, it wasn't working. 91 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,360 He's really old, had you noticed? 92 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:37,920 He did seem a little bit agey. 93 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,560 I'm sorry it didn't work out. 94 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:40,760 It was completely amicable. 95 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:44,400 We both agreed I'd made a massive mistake and he had to leave immediately. 96 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:45,760 Cancer results are in. 97 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:48,560 Zero! Clean as a lady's glove. 98 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:50,960 You could ice a cake with my rectum. 99 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,880 Large scotch, Geoff? Don't mind if I do. 100 00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:55,240 You're clear, that's good news. 101 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,760 Cass, you need to get checked out, too. 102 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:02,240 Because your dad and your grandfather both got bowel cancer, you're higher risk. 103 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:05,440 Oh, God! I say higher risk, that just means a bit higher than average. 104 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:07,800 Chances are you'd be fine, like me. 105 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:09,400 Oh, my God, I've got cancer. 106 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:11,080 No, you misheard me. 107 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,120 You just need to get checked out because of the increased risk. 108 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,360 I always felt I might have a limited time in this physical body, 109 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,120 this temporary vehicle. 110 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:21,560 No, fuck's sake, you'll be fine! 111 00:04:21,600 --> 00:04:24,880 Go to the doc's, get a referral, get checked! 112 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,640 Whatever becomes of me, remember we are but dust and shadow. 113 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,760 Be there any greater wisdom than this? Aye, yet there be. 114 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,280 Love one another. 115 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:43,400 So, for this meeting, in a short speech with up to 20 gags, it's 175. 116 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,840 I'd like to it feel natural, you know, not forced. 117 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,160 I've got you, understood. 118 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:50,680 I offer a bespoke service, no off-the-peg jokes here. 119 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:56,680 Great, it needs to be sharp, polished, but also real, sincere, with a depth to it. 120 00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:57,720 OK. 121 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,480 Was he a fat guy, your dad? 122 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,520 Hang his pants on the line, people thought there was an eclipse? 123 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,040 He wasn't particularly fat. 124 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:10,240 Oh, that's a shame, because there's a lot you can do with weight and slimming and so on. 125 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:11,960 He was just a sort of normal size. 126 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,040 OK. Did he get on with your mum? 127 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,960 You could say he didn't speak to Mum for 18 months once, 128 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:18,920 well, he didn't like to interrupt her. 129 00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,280 They got on very well. 130 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,120 Ah, fair enough. 131 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:25,160 Another avenue shut, never mind. 132 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,080 Did your dad take you fishing? 133 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:28,440 No. No? 134 00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,120 Jesus! 135 00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:32,040 I got a tonne of stuff on fishing. 136 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:33,920 Difference between fishing and sex, 137 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,160 you go fishing, you actually want to catch something. 138 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:40,520 That's hilariously funny, but it's not really the tone I'm after. 139 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,640 OK, you'd rather stay clear of the adult material. 140 00:05:43,680 --> 00:05:46,080 That's fair by me, I can do any style. 141 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:47,920 Do you remember Adam Cassidy? 142 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:49,880 I wrote for Adam Cassidy for years. 143 00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,840 Dead at 48, poor sod. 144 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:53,160 But he could do everything, 145 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,600 from the family-friendly gentle pointing stuff 146 00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:00,480 to really dark jokes about missing children, bestiality, 147 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:01,680 physical deformities. 148 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,800 Let's try leaning more towards the pointing side of things. 149 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,520 Fine. 150 00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,000 You got any brothers or sisters? 151 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:09,680 That's a rich scene. 152 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:10,920 No. 153 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,160 No brothers or sisters. 154 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,040 Have you prepared your speech? 155 00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:21,960 I thought I'd read the room vibe, then wing it, speak from the heart. 156 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,000 You? 157 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:25,440 I've got a speech worked out with 20 jokes. 158 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:26,840 Some are about fishing. 159 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,240 Did Dad used to take you fishing? 160 00:06:28,280 --> 00:06:31,320 No, never, I was going to pretend he did. 161 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:32,840 And that he had big pants. 162 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:36,080 I got my appointment to be checked out for the, you know... 163 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:37,520 The cancer? 164 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:38,600 Are you getting checked? 165 00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:41,600 No! I don't want to know, I'd rather be ignorant of most things. 166 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:42,920 You really should get checked. 167 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,520 Fine! But I'll almost certainly have bowel cancer. 168 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,800 My colon is like a Passchendaele trench. 169 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,200 Anyway, I'd like you both to have this. 170 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:53,000 It's a memory box, for to remember me by. 171 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:55,160 To be opened in the event of, you know... 172 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:56,280 Your death. 173 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,720 I'm sure it's all going to be fine. 174 00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:01,840 Inside there are some photos of me, a lock of my hair, some drawings, 175 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,680 and a recording of me aged 14 singing Billie Holiday's Strange Fruit. 176 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:09,680 I sincerely hope I won't have to listen to that for a long time. 177 00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:10,720 Thanks. 178 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:14,000 You know, I can't help thinking of the baby I never had, 179 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,400 crying for the mummy she never knew! 180 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,040 I'm sorry, God bless both of you! 181 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,080 Do you...? No, that's yours, mate. 182 00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:26,200 A box of hair for you and Cass's weeping, fictional baby. 183 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:27,320 Oh, Chris! 184 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:28,360 Hello! 185 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:29,600 Who are they? 186 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:32,600 Oh, Mum invited some of the other foster kids to come along. 187 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,000 The favourite ones she stayed in touch with. 188 00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,560 Right, lovely surprise, what a sweet gesture. 189 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:38,680 Look at you. 190 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,640 Do you recognise any of them? 191 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:42,160 No, I don't think so. 192 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,200 Alfie Tate! Oh, it's lovely Alfie Tate! 193 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:46,040 Oh! 194 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:47,720 Boys, look! 195 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,800 It's lovely Alfie Tate! 196 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:52,600 Oh, he was here a year or two before you, Andrew. 197 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,560 Laurie cherished Alfie Tate. 198 00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:57,160 Absolutely adored him. 199 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,480 Hi, Alfie! Hey! 200 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:02,440 Lovely Alfie Tate, lights up a room, doesn't he? 201 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:05,800 Women want to fuck him, men want to buy him a drink. 202 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,160 And then fuck him. 203 00:08:08,720 --> 00:08:10,080 I am, I think, a little bit drunk. 204 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:11,200 CHEERING 205 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:12,440 But I don't care. 206 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:16,200 We are all here to celebrate what would have been Laurie's 207 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,360 69th birthday. 208 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,680 And here to say a few words about him is our boy, 209 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:22,840 Stephen! 210 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,880 APPLAUSE 211 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:29,360 I did hire a joke writer to help with his speech. 212 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,000 Hooray! This'll be good then. 213 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:35,760 But reading the room, his material doesn't feel right in the moment. 214 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,800 Oh... 215 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,840 Instead, I'm going to speak from the heart. 216 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:39,880 Shit. 217 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,840 My dad never took me fishing. 218 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:44,640 That might sound odd to some people. 219 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:48,080 Isn't that what normal dads do with their sons? 220 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:53,480 But Laurie wasn't a normal dad, he wasn't an off-the-peg dad. 221 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:55,000 He was a bespoke dad, 222 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,640 a particular, peculiar dad 223 00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:04,080 and husband and foster father and brother and friend and publican. 224 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,080 Today, all of those unique figures would, 225 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,840 should have been 69. 226 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,040 Still young. 227 00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,960 Gone too soon. 228 00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:16,720 Here's to him. 229 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,200 Happy birthday, Laurie Nichols. 230 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:21,200 Happy birthday, Laurie Nichols! 231 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:23,240 APPLAUSE 232 00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:26,840 Barrel of fucking laughs. 233 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,800 Now, I think that Andrew... 234 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:31,560 Oh, this would have been the point, wouldn't it, Geoff, 235 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:36,240 on Laurie's birthday when he'd sit and play Rocket Man on the pub piano. Oh... 236 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:37,640 Can anyone play? 237 00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:42,120 Alfie Tate, lovely Alfie Tate can play, can't you? 238 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,640 I remember. 239 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:44,840 Come on! 240 00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,280 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 241 00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:47,600 I haven't played in ages. 242 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:04,840 # And I think it's gonna be a long, long time 243 00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:09,320 # Til touchdown brings me back again to find 244 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:13,000 # I'm not the man they think I am at home 245 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:15,920 # Oh, no, no, no 246 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:20,320 # Cos I'm a rocket man 247 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:25,040 # Rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone 248 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:31,240 # And I think it's gonna be a long, long time... # 249 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:34,440 Guy there with the murder face, someone said it's Andrew Donnelly? 250 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:35,720 It is Andrew Donnelly. 251 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,920 Really? Yeah, why? 252 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,760 I was in a halfway house with Andrew at 14, 15. 253 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:44,400 Shit hole. We both had great memories of being fostered here. 254 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,400 That's not him. Not him? 255 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,880 You're saying that man there is not Andrew Donnelly? 256 00:10:48,920 --> 00:10:52,400 Well, I didn't think so, but looking at him now from the side, maybe he is. 257 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:55,120 I mean it was a long time... 258 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:56,600 I'm going back to the caravan! 259 00:10:56,640 --> 00:10:57,960 The game's afoot! 260 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,440 I'm going to finally find out the truth about Andrew or "Andrew", 261 00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,560 that inflection was implying inverted commas. 262 00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:05,040 Do you think he's losing his powers? 263 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,120 Yeah, Alfie Tate's his kryptonite. 264 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:10,240 The ladder's wobbling, and I'm going it smash it into it in my vengeance bus. 265 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,080 Good luck, don't go too mad. 266 00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,960 Don't worry, I won't go too mad. 267 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,520 # Rocket man! 268 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,960 # Rocket man, burning out his fuse up here alone... # 269 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:26,120 So, the map is... 270 00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:30,000 This is where Google tells me Andrew, or ANDREW, has been living 271 00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:31,480 and working in the last ten years. 272 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,640 Right. Look at the dots, the pattern. 273 00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:36,560 Is he spelling a word out on the map? Is it kiln? 274 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,160 It looks like kiln to me. 275 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,320 Kiln, as in...? 276 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,320 As in kiln. Do we have a kiln here? 277 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:43,960 Is there maybe treasure in an old kiln that he knows is here? 278 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,000 Gold hidden in a buried kiln! That's why he came back. 279 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,080 Where's the K? 280 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,040 That's the K, clearly that's a K. 281 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,120 Now, look here. I've blown these pictures up. 282 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:56,600 Andrew's nose width in this one, 23mm. Mouth, 31mm. 283 00:11:56,640 --> 00:12:01,920 But this photo, mouth 31 again. But look, nose 21, maybe even 20. 284 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,960 I really do think it's the same guy, Stephen. 285 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,240 But Chris at the party, he swore it wasn't. 286 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:07,880 Also, the eyes, look there. 287 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:09,480 He has inconsistent eyes. 288 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:10,920 It's clearly Andrew. 289 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,440 Andrew is Andrew. 290 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,600 I think what we really need to do is focus. 291 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:15,800 Good idea, focusing. 292 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,440 Great, I love the way your mind... No, actually focus. 293 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,160 Calm down and focus on me. 294 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,160 We need to look at the period of Andrew's life where he goes dark and 295 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:25,800 evaporates from the internet. Yes! 296 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,960 He's in the Limousin region, then nothing about him at all for 297 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,680 18 months, then he's running an ethical casino in Utrecht. 298 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,920 Right. That's what we need to concentrate on. 299 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,920 That is the key to who Andrew is and what he wants. Agreed. 300 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,880 Should you be boozing when you're still on medication? 301 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,440 I stopped the medication - it was making me feel woolly headed. 302 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,160 I need clarity. And these are single malts, 303 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,360 so it's not boozing, per se, it's more studied appreciation. 304 00:12:56,560 --> 00:12:58,800 Lovely, unhackable, microfiche. 305 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:00,960 The big corporates in Russia can't delete it 306 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,560 like they can with the internet. 307 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,880 Microfiche is under the radar. 308 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:08,320 How often are you here, looking at newspapers on microfiche? 309 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:09,760 All day, every day. 310 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,640 I have an illegal kettle. If I use the plug just here, 311 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:14,640 no-one can see and I can make a pot noodle. 312 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,120 I just have to eat it quickly because of the smell, 313 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:19,320 so I have burnt my throat quite a bit. 314 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,800 And nothing yet on Andrew's missing 18 months? 315 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,080 Not yet, but it's just a matter of time. 316 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,880 Don't you think maybe you should ease up a bit? Why? 317 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,320 This is medicinal, by the way, for my burnt throat. 318 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:32,680 For your health! 319 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,200 Physical and mental. You've got high blood pressure. 320 00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,760 Sure, but might be a good thing, the blood coursing around, 321 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,640 taking vital nutrients very quickly, 322 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:43,320 and under enormous pressure to where they're needed. 323 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:45,360 So, how are you? 324 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,320 Oh, you know... 325 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,880 Tom's moved out, so... 326 00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:52,800 Right. I think we're done. It wasn't working. 327 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,400 It's been over for a while, apparently. Yep. 328 00:13:55,440 --> 00:13:57,920 My head's all over the shop, if I'm honest. 329 00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,320 Don't suppose you fancy a long, chatty, boozy dinner? 330 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:04,720 Talk it over? 331 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:08,080 Oh... 332 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:11,160 There's a thought. You could have a boozy dinner with Andrew. 333 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,800 You're a clean skin. He might let slip something to you about his 334 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,640 missing 18 months. 335 00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,000 Right, you want me to go for dinner with Andrew? 336 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:20,200 It's just a pizza at Sergio's or something. 337 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:22,480 Could you maybe cover me while I put the kettle on 338 00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:24,040 and make up an illicit Options? 339 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:26,520 Knock a book off a shelf. 340 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:29,440 Look, Andrew, I've had a card from lovely Alfie Tate 341 00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,520 saying thank you for the party. 342 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,920 You never met as kids, did you? 343 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,120 No, but I... 344 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:37,600 ..I knew about him. 345 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:43,680 Bye, Mum. 346 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,320 Say goodbye to Cass and Stephen. 347 00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:50,560 Look after yourself, son. Been lovely having you with us. 348 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,960 You know what, Dad? The time I've lived here has been the best 349 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,320 five months of my life. Pleased to hear it. 350 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:00,080 Bye, Dad. 351 00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:01,440 Ta-ta, Alfie. 352 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:02,640 DOOR SLAMS 353 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:07,440 It was such a treat to see him again. 354 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,520 Laurie doted on him. 355 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,320 Yeah. Now, I know he... 356 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,400 Results, Cass? Yep, all clear. 357 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,160 I'm back to being a normal person. 358 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,440 All of that horrible cancer drama is over with, 359 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,760 which is obviously totally brilliant. Hurray! 360 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,400 You can stop inspecting your stools, I mean, if you like. 361 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:29,360 It's actually a very healthy habit we should all get into. Aw! 362 00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:31,760 SHE BLOWS A KISS 363 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,440 Ten minutes to closing. 364 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:36,720 If you're borrowing any books, please bring them to the desk now. 365 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:40,320 Oh, my God. 366 00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:44,560 "Monsieur Donnelly a gravement blesse l'enfant." 367 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:46,280 Oh, yes. 368 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,760 Oh, joy! 369 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,480 Oh, fucking joy! 370 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,880 Andrew maimed a child! 371 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:55,400 Yes! Fucking yes! 372 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:57,520 He almost killed a little boy! 373 00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,840 This is such fantastic news! 374 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:02,680 Get in! The boy nearly died! 375 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,680 Oh, my word! The boy nearly died! 376 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,040 He maimed a child! 377 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,640 He maimed a child! 378 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:09,840 Black Betty! He maimed a child! 379 00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:18,080 Kettle in my holdall the entire time, you fucking bookworms. 380 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,120 Andrew! 381 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:31,920 I'm home! 382 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:40,280 Hi. 383 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:43,640 Everything all right? Everything's fine. 384 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:48,520 The cup that cheers. 385 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,040 Hmm. 386 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,880 I've been meaning to put these away. 387 00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,240 Did you want anything in particular? 388 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:03,600 Yeah, I've come to run you out of town - like a cowboy. 389 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:04,880 Like a cowboy? 390 00:17:04,920 --> 00:17:06,640 No, I meant Sheriff. 391 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:12,520 I know you went to prison in France, Andrew, and I know why. 392 00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:14,000 Right. 393 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,840 And you'd like to weaponise this information. 394 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:18,840 The Licensing Act of 2003 395 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:22,680 tends to frown on drink-driving child maimers. 396 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,720 And what would Cass and Mum say? 397 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:28,200 Wonder Boy almost killed actual boy? 398 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,200 You've had your triple cooked chips, mate. 399 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,440 You weren't there. You don't know what really happened. 400 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:37,800 You need to fuck off and sell the share of the business you got from 401 00:17:37,840 --> 00:17:40,240 Cass to me, mate's rates. 402 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:41,640 This is all about Dad, isn't it? 403 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:44,000 No, it's not all about Dad. 404 00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:47,760 This is about the game you've been playing to take over my life. 405 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,760 Well, we're playing hardball now and that's checkmate. 406 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,520 I know I'm mixing my games up, but I haven't really slept for the last 407 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:57,040 two months. I've never wanted to take over your life, Stephen. 408 00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:59,400 I just wanted to come back to where I was happy. 409 00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:00,720 Bullshit. 410 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:06,000 If I go, you won't tell anyone about what happened in France? 411 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,520 Not a soul. 412 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,400 I'll go and pack then. 413 00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,560 Go on, take them both. 414 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,400 Let go on this side. Let go. Let go. 415 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:21,720 How was everything? 416 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:23,520 Mostly fine. Excellent! 417 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,040 A very good night to you. 418 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,600 Satisfied customers tonight, I think. 419 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:33,480 I still don't get it. Andrew seemed on tiptop form yesterday. 420 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:35,160 His voice mail was vague. 421 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:38,840 It just said he had to deal with a ghost from his past, 422 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:42,080 like he had a dark or possibly guilty secret. 423 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,280 I'll miss him. He had an energy about him, didn't he? 424 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,760 Yeah, real energy. An electricity. 425 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:50,200 He shone. And buzzed. Well, sadly he's unplugged himself, 426 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,200 but we can still run this place without him. 427 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,800 I have to say, I don't know how you guys are going to run this place 428 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,760 without Andrew. He had an energy. 429 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:00,800 What was Andrew's ghost from the past, do we think? 430 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:02,560 Was it a sexual ghost? 431 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,720 I think I might know Andrew's secret. 432 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,800 Really? Whatever could it be? 433 00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:09,040 I'm sure it's nothing, right, Juliet? 434 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:12,520 I can't imagine Andrew doing anything really terrible. 435 00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,000 Probably be just a very minor tax thing. 436 00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:22,080 For a while, Andrew lived in our village, a few kilometres outside of 437 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:24,000 Limoges. Everyone found him... 438 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:27,160 ..very charming. 439 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,920 Very brilliant. He is, isn't he? He's got an energy. 440 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,480 We already know about the energy. 441 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:33,720 He would do anything to help others - 442 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:38,080 mend roofs, sweep chimneys, plant a wide flower meadow, 443 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,440 break in a horse. 444 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,560 I imagine you two were sexually involved. 445 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,400 No, purely friends and colleagues. 446 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,080 Right. I might still imagine it, though. 447 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,160 A few years ago, my father died very suddenly. 448 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:54,160 My mother, a much-loved teacher in our village, was distraught. 449 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,560 It's understandable. 450 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,320 She started drinking quite out of character. 451 00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:01,000 One evening, she gave Andrew a lift in our car. 452 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,760 It was misty. She'd had a lot of alcohol. 453 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,160 There was still a half bottle of vodka in the glove box. 454 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,640 She drove too fast. There was a thud. 455 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:10,840 Oh, no, goat? 456 00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,160 A boy. Right. 457 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,040 Just, in my mind's eye, I saw a goat. Carry on. 458 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,600 She had hit an eight-year-old boy. 459 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:21,320 Robert, one of pupils. Badly injured. Oh, my God. 460 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:24,160 Andrew phoned for an ambulance and then for the police. 461 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:26,280 The ambulance took Robert to hospital. 462 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,280 My mother was prepared for her life to be torn apart, 463 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:30,880 but when the police arrived... 464 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:34,560 ..Andrew was in the driver's seat. 465 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:35,880 What?! 466 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,920 He just drank the vodka and told the policeman 467 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:39,800 that he had been driving, 468 00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:41,880 that he had hit Robert. 469 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,120 THEY GASP 470 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,920 Andrew took the bullet for my mother. 471 00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:50,920 He went to court, pleaded guilty, served 16 months in prison. 472 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:54,040 Bollocks. 473 00:20:57,320 --> 00:21:00,360 I thought I might get the pub into trouble, the Licensing Act. 474 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,160 No-one needs to know about what happened in France. 475 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,960 It's eau under the pont. 476 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,960 Doesn't need to be public knowledge. 477 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,640 Well, if you're sure. 478 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,160 Let's just carry on as we were. 479 00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,720 I think we were all perfectly happy as we were. 480 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,680 Oh, are you off, love? Hospital. 481 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:19,440 Going to be checked out for the bowel cancer gene. Why? 482 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:21,840 Because you're Laurie's son, that's why. What? 483 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,560 You're Laurie's son. You share his genes, 484 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:27,920 You should get yourself checked out pronto. Good idea. See you later. 485 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:31,560 Am I...? Sorry, are you saying I'm not Laurie's son? 486 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,960 No, that's the exact opposite of what I'm saying. Geoff... 487 00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,080 It's fine, I've got this. 488 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:37,760 Mum, what is this? Let's not. What is this? 489 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,120 You know I had a lot of flings. 490 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:44,640 Well, some of them sort of flung a bit further than others. 491 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,400 Stephen, shall we talk about this? 492 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:50,680 So, there's no... 493 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:53,960 The blood link to dad is... 494 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,520 I'm like Andrew... 495 00:21:57,560 --> 00:21:58,920 or Alfie, or... 496 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,160 ..any of them. 497 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,640 If it helps, I didn't know about any of this. Although, it might 498 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,200 explain why the two of us have never fully connected. 499 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,440 You know? 500 00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:16,800 TV PLAYS IN BACKGROUND 501 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,760 The tablets he's on now tend to sulk him a bit, 502 00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:22,840 but they said he sort of needs sulking. 503 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,960 It's a benign sulk. Right. 504 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,760 It's Allison, love. 505 00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:28,040 Hi. 506 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,760 These two people want to escape to the country 507 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,000 and this man is helping them escape. 508 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:36,280 Wow, it's a good show. 509 00:22:37,520 --> 00:22:40,200 Did you have a pizza with Andrew? 510 00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:44,560 I said you should go to Sergio's with Andrew, I didn't mean it. 511 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,360 No. I didn't go, that didn't happen. 512 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:51,600 Maybe all of this is bluffing and switcheroos, 513 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:54,200 and everything I know is lies. 514 00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:57,960 Or maybe everything I know is true, but I think it's a lie, 515 00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,920 or another whole level up from that, 516 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,080 which is too difficult to think about. 517 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:06,360 I'm really sorry, Stephen, that you got overloaded and shorted out. 518 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,760 I'm fine. I've stopped drinking. 519 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,280 Mum got me an exercise bike. It's all good. 520 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:14,840 Just wanted to say a very quick hi, see how you are. 521 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,480 I'm running Juliet to the airport - she's going back to France. 522 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,520 Homesick. I miss my mother. 523 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:21,480 Safe travels. 524 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:23,520 How are you? I'm tired. 525 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:26,200 Don't you worry, Stephen. You just get well. 526 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,120 Andrew can run the business. 527 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,920 He can be in charge. 528 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,720 You just rest, love, no hurry. No. 529 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:36,720 No hurry. We'll look after you, that's what families do. 530 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:40,960 Right, I will leave you guys to it. 531 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,720 I've left the dog in the car and she still a shit grenade. 532 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:44,760 See you later. 533 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:48,440 Should we...? Juliet? 534 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:52,680 Oui? Wouldn't your mum have been prosecuted anyway for letting 535 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:54,760 a drunk person drive her car? 536 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,400 I don't follow. 537 00:23:56,440 --> 00:24:02,760 If she knowingly let Andrew drive her car while he was intoxicated, 538 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:05,080 isn't that an offence in France? 539 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,640 No, it isn't. We don't have that law. 540 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,080 Hey, I do need to get going, plane to catch. 541 00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:11,560 Bye-bye, Stephen. Get well. 542 00:24:16,120 --> 00:24:20,120 Oh, when you're feeling a bit more human, I'll take you out to eat. 543 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:22,560 I had a lovely pizza at Sergio's recently - 544 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,400 really intimate vibe there - 545 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:26,880 you'd love it.