1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,320 This programme contains very strong language 2 00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:07,400 Morning. 3 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:13,560 Hi, Keith. Sorry about Spurs. 4 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:14,800 Oh, don't rub it in, mate. 5 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:16,640 You're a masseur, so you can talk. 6 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,400 Ha, nice one. See you at yoga? 7 00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:22,160 Of course. When have I ever missed yoga? Laters, potatoes. 8 00:00:56,080 --> 00:00:58,240 Hm, back to the balaclava then, Geoff? 9 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:01,280 Didn't you have lots of complaints about it? Police coming around? 10 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:02,640 Police can fuck off. 11 00:01:02,680 --> 00:01:04,920 I'm a farmer. Keeps my face warm. 12 00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,560 Terrorists and sex offenders have decimated 13 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,320 the balaclava industry, Mike. 14 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,920 They should hang their heads. 15 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,000 At the very least. Drink? 16 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:14,480 Lilt, please. 17 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:16,240 Sorry. Lilt. 18 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,400 Lilt? I just fancy a Lilt. 19 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:19,760 A nice Lilt. 20 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:21,880 Hm. There's some in the kitchen fridge. 21 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,880 Hiya, when's young Stephen back. 22 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:25,440 Oh, soon, we think. 23 00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,760 His therapist is assessing him today. 24 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,280 It'll be good to have him back. 25 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,880 Oh, God, yes. 26 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:32,880 It absolutely will. 27 00:01:32,920 --> 00:01:35,880 You been served, Geoff? Mike's getting me a Lilt. 28 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:36,960 A Lilt? 29 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,800 Geoff just fancied a nice Lilt. 30 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,160 JULIAN: Actually, all this talk 31 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,800 of Lilt. Do you want a Lilt, Julian? 32 00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:43,840 No, I'm fine. 33 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,240 Oh, go on, then. I'll have a Lilt. 34 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:48,360 Aw. Hey! 35 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,800 Lilt. 36 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:12,160 I forgot to say before you left for the cash and carry. Urinal cakes. 37 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:13,280 Got them. 38 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:15,480 Oh, genius. Course you have. 39 00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:17,680 Lots of activity up the road, Andrew. 40 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,400 New place is about to open. 41 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,000 How do you pronounce it? 42 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,960 Is it puh-ub? Or just pub? 43 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:25,480 I've been saying pube. 44 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,920 It's written p, colon, ub. 45 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,720 You don't want to reference colons if you're serving food. 46 00:02:30,760 --> 00:02:34,160 You know, the manager's upped and left before they've even opened? 47 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,760 They need someone new, quick-smart. 48 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,240 Right. 49 00:02:38,280 --> 00:02:40,800 Do they? Lee and Bryony Kingsley are legends. 50 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,360 Set up so many businesses. 51 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,800 They'll know your reputation, they'll want to nab you. 52 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:46,840 You'd fit in. You're very modern. 53 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:48,560 I'm very happy here, Ellen. 54 00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:49,840 No intention of being nabbed. 55 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,720 Although if Puh-ub does become the cool new place, you might 56 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:56,960 suddenly find you're just some guy running a middling provincial pub. 57 00:02:57,000 --> 00:02:59,160 I'll take the urinal cakes through. 58 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:01,120 We got the Puh-ub menu through. 59 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:05,280 Oh, yes. It's very cool, very minimalist. 60 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,520 Stove-warmed fish. 61 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,520 Leaves. 62 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:11,000 They sound nice. 63 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:12,760 Heritage pig head. 64 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:13,880 An egg. 65 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,520 Interesting. 66 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,280 Local curds. 67 00:03:18,320 --> 00:03:19,560 ALL: Ooh... 68 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,320 Fucking ball bags. 69 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,320 I liked it when it was the Kings Arms. 70 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:26,320 Spit and sawdust place, massive car park. 71 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:27,680 I don't know why it closed down. 72 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:29,960 Two people were stabbed to death there, Geoff. 73 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,440 Now, get your facts straight. 74 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,480 They were stabbed in the big car park, 75 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:36,000 but they actually died later in hospital. 76 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,400 Less of the fake news. 77 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:41,480 So if Andrew does move on, who'll run the Barleycorn? 78 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,680 Well, I guess Stephen again. 79 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,480 Right. Of course, Stephen. 80 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,000 Ha! Great. 81 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:55,120 It is a tremendous degree of progress you've made, Stephen. 82 00:03:55,160 --> 00:03:56,960 It's like a journey, isn't it? 83 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,120 Oh, it is. It's very like a journey. 84 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:00,480 Oh, you're absolutely right. 85 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:01,800 I say that all the time. 86 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,120 You do, Robbie. 87 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,240 All the time. 88 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,400 Brilliantly. 89 00:04:05,440 --> 00:04:08,680 And, like all journeys, there'll be bumps in the road. 90 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,640 Uh, twist and turns. 91 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,160 T-junctions. 92 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,120 Roundabouts. Filter lanes. 93 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,880 You may proceed in the direction of the green arrow when it, 94 00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:18,840 or the full green light, shows. 95 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,960 I'm just quoting the Highway Code now, but... 96 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,320 Oh, but, but that's what therapy is, isn't it? 97 00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:27,120 It's a kind of Highway Code to get your mind back on the road. 98 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:29,280 I'm in here for my MOT! Yeah. 99 00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,960 And you'll very soon be roadworthy. 100 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,200 We've addressed your drinking, 101 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,680 the uncertainty over your biological father, 102 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:40,560 your feelings towards Andrew, that car accident in Limoges... 103 00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:43,840 I'm a very different guy from the one who was forcibly encouraged 104 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,640 by his family and the wider community 105 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,320 to become an inpatient here. 106 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,880 So, I think you're ready to go home. 107 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:53,400 Wow. 108 00:04:53,440 --> 00:04:56,600 You've really helped me get my shit together, Robbie. 109 00:04:56,640 --> 00:05:00,800 There was a lot of disparate shit, and now it's all in one place. 110 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:02,520 Under control. 111 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,040 Thank you. 112 00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:06,040 Genuinely. 113 00:05:06,080 --> 00:05:08,800 That fucking idiot thinks I'm cured, the prick! 114 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:10,640 I think so too, actually, Stephen. 115 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,240 Well, maybe not cured, but more yourself. 116 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,240 I'm just pretending. I'm still mad. 117 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,240 You don't seem to be... That's the thing. 118 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:19,640 I'm so mad, I look normal. 119 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:23,720 Just a guy in a residential facility being helped by a regime 120 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,840 of appropriate medication and therapy. 121 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:28,920 What's suspicious about that? Nothing. 122 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:30,280 It's genius. 123 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:31,960 MAD genius! 124 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,320 Maybe stop saying mad? 125 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:34,360 It's useful shorthand. 126 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,600 Well, if your therapist thinks you're progressing... 127 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,080 Robbie knows nothing. 128 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,760 We disagreed a few weeks ago 129 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,240 over the correct plural form of cup-a-soup. 130 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:44,640 He thinks it's CUP-a-soups. 131 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:47,000 It's quite clearly CUPS-a-soup! 132 00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:49,280 A multiple number of cups of soup. 133 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:50,360 KNOCKS ON DOOR 134 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,280 Hi, Stephen. Hi, Cath. Did you find your phone? 135 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,200 Would you believe, it was in my coat pocket all the time? 136 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:57,960 No, I think you're lying. 137 00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,120 Only joking! 138 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,120 I totally believe that it was in your pocket. 139 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:06,800 Thanks. 140 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,280 There's nothing there. 141 00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,160 Oh, I must have accidentally swallowed them. 142 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,520 But, usually, I pretend. Flush them away. 143 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:19,480 There'll be a lot of rats in these sewers 144 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:21,800 with excellent serotonin levels. 145 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:27,040 What do you think Stephen will be like when he comes back? 146 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:29,880 I'm hoping he's no longer at war with himself. 147 00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:33,360 I mean, what we have to do, all of us, is support him fully. 148 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:36,480 The last thing we want is for Stephen to get ill again. 149 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:37,880 You haven't been to see him at all. 150 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:39,200 He's only wanted to see Alison. 151 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,520 Not even mum, and she's the one who's been paying for his stay. 152 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:43,960 It's weird, isn't it? 153 00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,000 That he's the one who's been having treatment 154 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:49,840 when I've always been the one with so much mental complexity going on. 155 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:52,160 Stephen did get very ill, Cass. 156 00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:56,760 I mean, he was paranoid, depressed, anxious, obsessive, compulsive. 157 00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:57,920 It's quite a cocktail. 158 00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,520 Oh, and he was an alcoholic. 159 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,480 No, I know. 160 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:03,480 And it just bring sit home to me how much stuff 161 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:05,680 I've been coping with, you know? 162 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,120 Silently. 163 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,640 You get very good at hiding your massive complexity 164 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,200 behind a mask of complete ordinariness. 165 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:15,680 How many layers are there to an onion? No-one knows. 166 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:17,520 Science can't tell. 167 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:20,840 Let's hope one day they crack that mystery. 168 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,840 Sorry, Andrew, could we have a word? 169 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:30,040 We're a bit worried about how to speak to Stephen when he's back. 170 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:33,080 Mm. The, the tone, you know, because like you say, he's vulnerable. 171 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,480 He's, you know... ..been treated in a facility. 172 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:38,400 So, do we act normally, or...? 173 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,600 We thought acting normally would be the way to go. 174 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,200 Mm. But it's eggshells, isn't it? 175 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:45,000 You might say the wrong thing, or... 176 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:47,840 Nutter - something like that. Yeah. 177 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:51,360 Obviously, we mustn't let him be driven into mental collapse again. 178 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:52,680 I can't stress that enough. 179 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:55,520 So just chat normally to him. 180 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:59,080 OK. Oh, sure. Normally! Yeah. Good. 181 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:03,680 Try not to act at all odd or awkward, you know? 182 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:04,960 Yes. Yes. 183 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:07,080 IN ACCENT: Can do there, sir, hey? 184 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,960 IN ACCENT: 10-4 on that one, my good pal. Yeah... 185 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:17,760 Will you be wearing these shoes? 186 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,560 Not sure they'll fit me. 187 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,760 I haven't worn shoes since I arrived here, 188 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,320 and my feet have become very soft and wide. Really? 189 00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,480 I've been in backless slippers constantly. 190 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:31,280 My feet are almost as wide as they are long. 191 00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,440 Like veal escalopes. 192 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,200 Thanks, bye-bye. Bye. 193 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:41,440 Oh, Stephen. Good luck. 194 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,400 You got somewhere to stay? 195 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:47,560 Oh, uh, no, we, we aren't. Oh, no. I mean, we were, but, uh... 196 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,360 I'll live with my mum for a bit and then take stock. 197 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:53,560 Good. Well, get some rest and some good food. 198 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:57,720 Wouldn't like to think of you back in that awful caravan again, living off pot noodles. 199 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,400 Pots noodle. 200 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:02,120 Sorry? It's fine. Come on, Stephen. 201 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:06,040 It's...it IS pots noodle. Yes, all right, come on. 202 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,400 It's pot noodle cos... Stephen. 203 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,920 ..the noodles have become adjectival. 204 00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,600 Noodles, noodle, pot. 205 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:15,440 Noodle describes the pot, more than one pot, pots noodle. 206 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:19,520 So, I take it you've told everyone you're coming back this evening? 207 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,920 No, I wanted to surprise them. 208 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,000 Oh. M-Make an entrance. 209 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:27,760 I've been away in treatment - I'm the exotic one now. 210 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:31,280 Andrew's just a boring provincial pub landlord. 211 00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:33,560 He hasn't got the key to my head anymore. 212 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,040 Tables have turned. 213 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:36,520 The shoes are on the other feet. 214 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:38,720 If I could still wear shoes, yes. 215 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,560 So, where is everyone? 216 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:49,480 CASS: It was laughably bad, wasn't it, Andrew? 217 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,160 It was spectacularly poor. 218 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:54,720 You wouldn't want to be headhunted by that lot. Oh, shocking. 219 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,320 We have no worries in terms of losing custom. 220 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,840 That plate of curds. Oh. Abysmal shite. 221 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:02,840 Even Little Miss Muffet would have told them 222 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,080 to stick it up their arses. 223 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,800 Thought Lee and Bryony were meant to be business legends? 224 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,800 They're business chumps, if you'll pardon my language. 225 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,640 I don't like to be negative, 226 00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,640 but I wouldn't have fed that meal to Judas. 227 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,480 Oh, he was the worst one. 228 00:10:19,520 --> 00:10:21,680 Alison! 229 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:25,360 Is Stephen with you, love? Or are you just a bit stressed? 230 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:28,320 Oh, no, he's just gone to the loo. 231 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:29,800 Ha. 232 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:31,120 Gin and tonic, please, love. 233 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,960 Those urinal cakes look fresh. 234 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,280 Got a new batch this week. 235 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,200 Jeyes. Classic. 236 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,320 How are you feeling, Stephen? 237 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:56,880 I have a crystal clear mind, wide feet, 238 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,240 and I'm pissing like a greyhound. 239 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:00,880 How are you? 240 00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:03,160 Can I apologise? 241 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,560 For? 242 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,200 Everything that happened before. 243 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:07,560 Everything in the world? 244 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,040 The Napoleonic Wars? Smallpox? 245 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,720 The cry-laugh emoji? 246 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:14,560 Slavery? Declining literacy rates? 247 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,800 I came into this family with too much force 248 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,880 and not enough empathy, and I know that my arrival troubled you 249 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,640 and may have added to your mental distress. 250 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,680 I don't trust a word you say. 251 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:26,280 I know. I appreciate that. 252 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,200 Those words just then, don't trust them. 253 00:11:28,240 --> 00:11:29,600 Sure. Or that word. 254 00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:30,800 Look... That's a lie. 255 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,760 Look, Stephen, my only hope is that the investment I made 256 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:37,280 with the Wellness Centre pays off in terms of your future happiness. 257 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,640 Investment? Maybe that's too crude a term. 258 00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:42,480 Um, assistance. Sponsorship. 259 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:46,000 YOU paid for me to stay at Lyneham Abbey? Not Mum? 260 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:47,880 I had the means and Ellen felt... 261 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,280 Great. Terrific. 262 00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:51,520 I thought it was Miss Haversham, but it was you. 263 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:53,480 Big Shitty Magwitch. 264 00:11:53,520 --> 00:11:55,880 Magwitch actually helps Pip to fulfil his dreams. 265 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,360 I know my Dickens, Andrew. 266 00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:59,760 Don't you DARE try to out-Dickens me! 267 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,960 Or it will be the worst of times. 268 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,800 That's Dickens. I'm being clever. 269 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,560 I genuinely just wanted to help you. 270 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,720 By gaslighting me into thinking I'm ill, then paying to put me 271 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,800 in a facility so you can gaslight everyone else into thinking I'm ill? 272 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:13,120 Stephen, I admit it. 273 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,800 In the past, I've dissembled and played with the truth, 274 00:12:16,840 --> 00:12:19,320 but I've changed. Truly. 275 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,840 All I want to do now is help people. 276 00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:25,080 Go fuck yourself. You can't get into my head anymore, Andrew. 277 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,680 I don't want to get into your head. Oh, yes, you do. But you can't 278 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,440 because I've changed the locks. 279 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,840 I still know you. I see you. 280 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,800 I'm looking at you right now. 281 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,040 I know you are. 282 00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:37,160 Exactly, I'm staring directly at you. 283 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,320 I'm aware of that. 284 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,720 Welcome back, Stephen. 285 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:55,280 How are you, sweetheart? Um, you better? 286 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:56,720 Oh, you look a lot better. 287 00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,160 Are you better? 288 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:02,440 Andrew paid for my treatment? He was my sugar daddy? 289 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:04,840 Only it wasn't sugar - it was Citalopram. 290 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,760 Well, I don't have that kind of money, Stephen, 291 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,480 and something needed to be done urgently. 292 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:09,720 You were in a bad way. 293 00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,800 Andrew offered to help. 294 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,240 And now you're all better. 295 00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,040 I just wanted to say, if you ever need to talk about stuff, 296 00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:17,320 I've been there. 297 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:18,360 Right. Thanks. 298 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,440 Probably actually a bit more seriously than you, 299 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:22,480 so just use me as a resource. 300 00:13:22,520 --> 00:13:24,880 My suffering should have a positive outcome. 301 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,040 That's meant to be kind, so thank you. 302 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:34,320 Mike. Jan. 303 00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,040 Yes? Hello. 304 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:37,480 Welcome back... 305 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:39,280 ..to here, where we are. 306 00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,400 Thank you. How's it all been? 307 00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:42,680 Oh, you know, fine. 308 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:47,760 But not because you weren't here. No. Shit. Sorry. 309 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,280 Um, we don't want to distress you. 310 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:51,680 I'm not distressed. 311 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:52,800 Oh. 312 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,240 Copy that! 313 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,080 10-4 can do, nice buddy. 314 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:02,960 How is he? 315 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,480 A lot better. 316 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,280 He's lucky to have you to look out for him. 317 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,680 Oh, I remain vigilant. 318 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:09,840 And how are you? 319 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:11,360 Busy, busy. 320 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:15,120 Swamped at work investigating dodgy planning applications. 321 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,360 Also my mum's getting up my nose and on my tits. 322 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,640 Your mum? Yeah, and dad. 323 00:14:20,680 --> 00:14:22,560 Dependent, needy. 324 00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,680 I really haven't got time to fart. 325 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:26,280 We need to keep Stephen busy. 326 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,520 If he just sits around at Ellen's, that'd be bad for him. 327 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,960 Am I meant to believe you're concerned for him? 328 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:36,200 I don't expect you to believe it, but it's the truth. 329 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:38,680 You leave it with me, Luca, we'll work something out. 330 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,240 OK, mate. See you later. 331 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,040 Luca, my farm hand. 332 00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,000 Strong as a small horse. 333 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:49,240 That spiteful fucker from my neighbouring farm is trying to get him deported. 334 00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:50,520 That doesn't sound very fair. 335 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:52,360 Is he an arable farmer like you, Geoff? 336 00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,640 He's an FCQ. 337 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,040 Is that EU code? 338 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:56,360 Fat Cunt on a Quad bike. 339 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,800 Oh, hello. 340 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:16,000 Hello, Stephen. 341 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,360 Did you sleep well? 342 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,400 Yes. 343 00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,640 You're here early. 344 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,120 In the house. 345 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:24,840 Did you come round early? 346 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:28,040 Uh, yes. 347 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,440 I, uh, came round early. 348 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:31,800 That would be it. 349 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,400 ELLEN: Julian, will you get the wholemeal out of the freezer? 350 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:36,440 I'm not sure I... 351 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:41,880 I was just saying how Julian has come round early. 352 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,440 Yes. An early call. 353 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:51,000 Good morning, Ellen. Good morning. 354 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,320 Oh, yeah, sorry, Stephen. 355 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,440 Should've told you, your mum's fucking a vicar. 356 00:15:54,480 --> 00:15:56,160 He's our new dad. I'm not. 357 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,320 I mean, I am a vicar, but, uh... 358 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:01,120 SHE CLEARS THROAT Julian and I are very close, love. 359 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:06,080 I didn't tell you before because I thought it might add to your crisis. 360 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,480 It's fine. It's cool. 361 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,280 I'm happy for you. 362 00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:11,600 Are you? Fuck no. 363 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,880 But I'll get used to it. 364 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,280 Please don't eat the Eucharist wafers, Cass. 365 00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:18,040 They're Christ. 366 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,840 Can I make you some breakfast, Stephen? 367 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,480 Are there muffins? 368 00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,320 I don't think there are. 369 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:28,000 It's just, I always had muffins at Lyneham Abbey, but don't worry. 370 00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,480 Have you become a bit institutionalised? 371 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:34,400 No. I just mentioned that we had muffins for breakfast, that's all. 372 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,760 Lunch on Monday was soup, Tuesday was toastie day, 373 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,560 but it's not important. OK. 374 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:44,040 Wednesday's lasagne, Thursday soup again, and Friday's fish and chips. 375 00:16:44,080 --> 00:16:46,360 But it's irrelevant. I'll go with the flow. 376 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,200 Whatever's easiest. 377 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,360 I could go and get some muffins. 378 00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,720 No. No, it's fine. 379 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:55,800 Although it would be nice. 380 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,360 Ugh, back on the beer, Geoff? 381 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,080 Yeah, I was just flirting. 382 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:08,400 Diddled the lilt, but I'm married to beer. Aw! 383 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:11,040 Cass was saying Stephen's got a bit institutionalised. 384 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:12,080 Easily done. 385 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:15,520 Best time of my life was in hospital, recovering from heart surgery. 386 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:16,920 Really? Bliss. 387 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,680 Lying there for ten days, doing fuck all, 388 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,520 a catheter up your Rees-Mogg, so you don't even have to get up to piss. 389 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,720 That's living, all right. Can't wait for the hospice! 390 00:17:26,760 --> 00:17:28,720 Oh, Andrew? It's come. 391 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,120 The inevitable call. 392 00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:33,760 Lee and Bryony Kingsley left a message about half an hour ago. 393 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,640 You can name your price now, son. They need you. 394 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:39,680 You're like whoever's an expensive footballer these days. 395 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:43,160 I'm going to say Trevor Francis, but more recent. 396 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:45,040 What exactly was the message, Jan? 397 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:49,320 Can we meet with your brilliant landlord? Meet with... 398 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:50,600 ..like in America. 399 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,760 I bet they get a coffee too. 400 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,000 Well, a meeting can't do any harm. 401 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:56,120 See how the land lies. 402 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,320 That's it. He's gone. 403 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:02,840 You reckon? Puh-ub is shit! 404 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:07,160 But it's a challenge, isn't it? No challenge for Andrew here any more. 405 00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:08,320 He's bored. 406 00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:10,520 In danger of becoming a fixture. 407 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,000 Time to move on. 408 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,920 Yeah, Andrew's far too sharp 409 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,960 and clever to work at the Barleycorn for longer than a few months. 410 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,600 True. How long have you guys been here? 411 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:20,720 Eight years yesterday. 412 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:22,280 Congrats. Oh, thanks. 413 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,080 You've eaten here? I have. 414 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,400 Thoughts? Feelings? Ideas? 415 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:32,560 Honestly? Sure. 416 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:33,920 No point otherwise. 417 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,600 Truth has value. 418 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,640 Bullshit's worthless. 419 00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,080 OK. 420 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:42,160 Felt like there was a lot of noise, but no clear signal. 421 00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,920 Decor, ambience, menu, 422 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,400 all compromised by conflicting influences. 423 00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:49,160 The service was weak, slow and pretentious. 424 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,840 Those are the headline notes. If you want a deep dive, I could... 425 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,360 No, no. No. We agree. 426 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,040 We need to step up our game. 427 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:58,880 We're looking for a guy to help turn things around. 428 00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,280 Copy that. 429 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,240 And that's where you come in, Stephen. 430 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,600 Stephen, we need a firm hand on the tiller. 431 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,240 Serious realignment. 432 00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:13,080 We're impressed with how the Barleycorn used to be run. 433 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,640 It used to look very different. Andrew remodelled it. 434 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:17,640 I'd done a lovely pine thing, 435 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,960 but then it all burnt down in a massive fire and he changed it. 436 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,280 Reason we've come to you, Stephen, 437 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:26,320 is we've realised this place is too pretentious. 438 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,240 All this minimalist, metropolitan thing. 439 00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:32,080 Made a mistake. We need to go totally the other way. 440 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:33,920 Back to how it was when it was the Kings Arms. 441 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:37,480 People round here, they want something honest, old school. 442 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,280 Not elitist. 443 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,400 Brexit style. 444 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:41,560 Tell it like it is. 445 00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:45,360 Peppercorn sauce on a big rump steak, swear boxes, 446 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:49,200 lifeboat boxes, little boy with a slot in his head, some bloke 447 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:54,400 selling warm crabsticks, curry night, geezers, saucepots, sorts, 448 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:58,960 types, Scotch eggs, but not artisan Scotch eggs with rare-breed pork. 449 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,320 Just fucking Scotch fucking eggs! 450 00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:04,040 Pardon my language but, I mean, it's what people want now. 451 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:08,160 Some things may feel old-fashioned, but they're best unchanged. 452 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,200 Exactly. 453 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,840 The reason they've never updated Hangman is it's too difficult 454 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,520 to incrementally draw a stick man serving a 30-year custodial sentence. 455 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,800 I need to talk to Chef. Will you think about it, Stephen? 456 00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,800 We'd love to have you on board. 457 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:25,760 I will think about it. Will I need to wear shoes? 458 00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:33,680 If I take over managing Puh-ub, in a way, I'm leaving the family. 459 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,880 My loyalties will be elsewhere. 460 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,320 It's a huge deal. 461 00:20:37,360 --> 00:20:40,640 I'd probably have to move into the flat above the Puh-ub. 462 00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:43,240 We'd really miss you. Indeed. 463 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:44,960 But needs must. 464 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,320 Do you want to move on, Stephen? Have a fresh start? 465 00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:49,520 New beginning? 466 00:20:49,560 --> 00:20:51,240 I do... 467 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:52,280 ..I think. 468 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,320 Sometimes, you just have to make the leap. 469 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:55,680 I mean, like a salmon, 470 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,080 not like that Welsh guy who jumped off the multistorey. 471 00:20:58,120 --> 00:20:59,840 It's wonderful to be wanted. 472 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:03,280 It's exciting to be valued for who I am, 473 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:06,400 for the skills and experience I have. 474 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,840 I feel like I've come out of Lyneham Abbey, able to achieve anything. 475 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:11,800 So, yes. 476 00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,160 I will take the job. 477 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,960 ALL: Cheers! 478 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:22,160 And are these the absolute widest fit you have? Yes, sir. 479 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,800 An H fitting's the widest we've got in the size 9. 480 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:27,280 You don't do a J or anything like that? 481 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,000 No, there's no such fitting as a J. 482 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:32,880 No? They should do a Bravissimo, but for big feet. 483 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:34,960 OK, I'll take them. 484 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,160 Why are you two together? Are you getting married? 485 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,640 Calm down, Stephen. 486 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:43,200 I went to see Alison in a professional capacity. 487 00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:45,960 I was troubled by Lee and Bryony Kingsley. 488 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,800 Troubled? I didn't trust them. 489 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,480 The feeling was mutual. They thought you were Satan. 490 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,040 But I'm paraphrasing. 491 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:55,320 I wanted to pick Alison's brains, and... 492 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,520 I've been checking the archives, and Lee 493 00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:00,840 and Bryony are incredibly successful businesspeople, as everyone says. 494 00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:04,200 They're amazing. They have a place in Tuscany. 495 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:05,840 Said I might be able to stay there. 496 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:09,280 The thing is, they do get through a lot of businesses, 497 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,120 and there seems to be a pattern. 498 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:14,440 They take over a business, it doesn't do well, they close it, 499 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,280 they build on the land, and that's how they make their money. 500 00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:18,760 So how does this affect me? 501 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,560 Well, the pattern seems to be that they hire a... 502 00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,800 They employ someone who... 503 00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:29,760 What? 504 00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:33,280 They hire a manager who they think will be 505 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:38,040 so incompetent that he or she will run the business into the ground. 506 00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:40,280 Then, when the business is seen as unsalvageable, 507 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:43,680 they can apply for change of use and build houses on the land. 508 00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,760 Puh-ub has that massive car park. They could make millions. 509 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,440 We may be jumping to conclusions. 510 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:52,560 There's nothing yet been proved about their previous applications. 511 00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:54,280 But a red flag has gone up. 512 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:56,800 I didn't want you pulled into a scam. 513 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,280 You've been through enough. 514 00:23:00,560 --> 00:23:01,560 Here we are, sir. 515 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,200 Take them away, please. 516 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:06,120 And bring me a pair of backless slippers. 517 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,800 H fitting in an 11 and a half. 518 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:10,640 Thought you took a size 9? Just do it! 519 00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:15,360 Don't give up completely on shoes, Stephen. 520 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:16,640 Stupid. 521 00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:18,040 I should've known. 522 00:23:18,080 --> 00:23:19,480 Never dream. 523 00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:21,520 Dreams aren't real. 524 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,280 Only nightmares. 525 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:24,440 I should go. 526 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,640 Mike and Jan are going to be in late, so I need to unlock the pub. 527 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:35,040 # Baby 528 00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,000 # You're driving me crazy 529 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:41,480 # I said baby 530 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:44,920 # You're driving me crazy 531 00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:48,640 # Psycho 532 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:53,840 # Oh! 533 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,840 # Wow! # 534 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:58,920 Subtitles by Red Bee Media