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This programme contains
very strong language
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I live here too, Stephen.
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So you do. Thanks for the update.
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You just seem to take over
the whole room.
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I-I'm eating a muffin
off a small plate.
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It's not like I've got a hog
on a spit and a barrel of mead.
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I feel restricted.
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I feel like a caged bird.
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There's just too much, you know,
"grrrr" in this house now.
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"Grrrr"?
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"Grrrr," you know?
Competing energy.
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You and Mum and Julian.
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I'm in the bedroom next to them and
I can hear them at it relentlessly.
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There's a lot of heavy sex energy.
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I'd rather not think about that.
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Are you intimidated by the idea
of an older woman enjoying sex?
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Yes.
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I never used to hear Mum
and my dad at it in the same way.
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Sorry, Mum and YOUR dad?
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Well, it's just not being sure
if you're Laurie's son or not.
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That was one of the things that,
you know, sent you a bit...
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..mad as a boiled chimp? Sure.
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You just don't really
need to point it out.
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Hi. Sorry we're late up.
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I appreciate your heavy sex energy,
Mum, it's empowering.
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But it's making me
want to find a job and move out.
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Sorry, body of Christ.
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I'm off too.
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Not to find a job
or somewhere else to live,
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although I probably
should at some point.
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Granola for me.
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I-I left a pause there for you
to say, "No, no,
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"stay in the family home as long
as you like, member of the family."
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Oh, whatever you do,
you have my full support.
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Mine too.
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Thanks.
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That means absolutely nothing.
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New snacks?
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Johnnies, tampons
and Anadin for the vends.
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Cheers, mate, see you next month.
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Right you are. Be lucky, guys.
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Will do. Double sixes every time.
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Sorry, I was miming shaking dice,
not implying you're a wanker.
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Not seen you for a few days,
Stephen.
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Did all the business
with puh-ub get to you?
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I guess a little bit, you know.
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And Julian being at home
is a bit odd.
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Our stepfather who art in Ellen.
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Sorry, Stephen, that's crude.
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Anything new happening here?
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Oh, yes. Yeah, there is, as it goes.
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They say rules are there
to be broken.
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Well, bull -
if the ladies will excuse me - shit.
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Rules are there
to be wilfully ignored.
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"Excuse me, Mike,
you've broken the law."
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Well, sorry, chum, I don't even
acknowledge its existence.
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Case in point - seat belts.
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You drive more safely without a seat
belt because you take more care.
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The majority of road deaths
are actually caused by seat belts.
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I'm not sure you can prove that,
Geoff.
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I don't need to prove it, Stephen,
it's what I believe.
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This is Stephen,
he's Ellen's son.
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What? The lovely Ellen.
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So you're Laurie Nichols' boy?
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His surname certainly is Nichols,
yes.
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Eh! What's your poison, Steve?
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Oh, I'll just have a water.
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It's midday and I am celebrating.
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You can't have a water.
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Jan, get Stevo whatever he wants,
as long as it's not water,
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and have one for yourself.
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Oh, thanks, Mike.
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I like your enormous watch.
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Really massive.
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Thank you.
That belonged to Salman Rushdie.
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Shit at poker.
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I'll have an orange
and passion fruit J2O please, Jan.
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Who's the guy with
the confidence surplus?
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Don't think I've ever seen anyone
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man-spread across
a whole room before.
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He's called "Charismatic Mike".
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Mike is an utter legend.
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Not you, Mike.
Right. Thanks for clarifying.
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Your children's fruity drink,
Stephen. Thanks.
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I remember Mike's send-off party...
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Not you, Mike. Yeah, I know.
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..when he left to join
the army in '78.
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We ended up back at my farm,
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jousting on tractors
with scaffolding poles.
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Sounds dangerous.
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Someone lost an eye.
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Those were the days.
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And now he's back
and everyone's delighted.
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A one-man Mardi Gras.
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I don't know what it is
about Charismatic Mike,
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but he's got something.
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Charisma?
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00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:23,240
That's probably it, yeah,
come to think of it.
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Oh!
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I heard he was back.
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Oh, my word, look at him.
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You can feel the charisma
from over here.
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I can't. I'm with you, Mike.
Getting nothing here.
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Makes me feel we've been
in 2D black and white
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all the time he's been away.
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You're talking about him
like he's Jesus come back.
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But he isn't. I would know.
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He's Jesus plus.
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He's what you get
if you splice Jesus with Clarkson
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and that thin, twinkly cunt
who plays Loki.
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BAG THUNKS
Woo-ooh!
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Ellen.
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As gorgeous as ever.
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CM, long time no...
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..you know. Mm.
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THEY GIGGLE
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So I heard you ended up
as a city trader, Mike?
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Oh, yeah, late '80s.
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Wild.
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But it wasn't me. I felt owned
by the markets 24/7.
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So, one day, I just quit
and entered the Paris-Dakar rally.
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I can never fathom
why they end it there.
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Grim place.
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You might be thinking of Dachau,
Geoff.
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Oh, fuck, yes. Sorry.
Go on, Mike.
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Anyway, I never made it
out of Paris,
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cos I fell in love with the girl
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waving the flag
on the starting line.
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One year and an annulment later,
I find myself out on me arse
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in Montmartre,
so I open an expat bar.
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Mike's Place.
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Clever. Yeah, wow.
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Bummed around the Silk Road,
dealt in Turkish rugs for a bit.
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Love the Silk Road.
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I travelled the full length twice.
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Xi'an to Constantinople and back.
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I think you mean Istanbul, chum.
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It was Constantinople
when the Silk Road was running.
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I like to respect
the historical context.
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00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,920
Oh, I ran a hostel in Kathmandu,
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moved to Oz,
where I spent the last of my cash
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financing
my girlfriend's short film,
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but she was on marching powder
so I got my marching orders.
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So, Bob's your wossname, here I am.
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So what about you?
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Very similar vibe actually, Mike.
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00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,680
Er, you probably picked up,
I'm a fellow nomad.
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I imported electric bikes
into Uruguay for a while.
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Not you, sweetheart.
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Him. Sorry. Me?
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Yeah, quiet ones are always
more interesting than the peacocks.
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The floor's yours, Stevo.
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OK, er, potted version.
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I was born...
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No, I'm boring myself already.
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Off the sauce,
there's a story right there.
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Let me guess.
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A wild man...
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..but he doesn't know it.
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A lion masquerading as a pussycat.
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You've lived the life others
wanted for you,
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not the one you wanted for yourself
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and, because of that,
you've poured your anger into drink
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when you should have shot it
out into the world.
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But it's not too late.
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00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:16,400
Do you hear that, Stephen?
It's never too late.
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Like with your maths GCSE.
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Yeah, it's funny.
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I can see Ellen in you
but not Laurie.
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He was a strong character,
wasn't he? Most popular guy in town.
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Formidable, took shit from no-one.
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That was him.
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Ah, well, there we are.
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00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,800
I'm not Laurie and Laurie's not me.
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Terry, you old badger-fucker.
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How many badgers have you fucked?
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You fuck badgers up the bum.
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Fuck me.
How long have you been there?
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Only a second.
I just needed a moment to recover.
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Wasn't expecting a snub
from Charismatic Mike.
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I really thought we connected.
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00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,160
I was taking a moment too.
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All that stuff
about how strong Laurie was,
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how he didn't take shit from anyone.
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Whereas I'm a wholesale
shit importer.
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00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:17,440
Of course I'm not his son - it's
always been screamingly obvious.
187
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,000
I know this Laurie business
has been tough.
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Balls! You love it.
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00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,320
The one thing I had over you
was a blood connection to Laurie
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00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,240
and now that's gone.
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00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,640
It's all I ever really wanted
and it's gone.
192
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,200
But you and Charismatic Mike
had a weird sort of bond just then.
193
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:33,400
He seemed to know you.
194
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,640
I mean, it's not beyond
the realms of possibility, is it?
195
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:37,680
Is what?
196
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,160
He was on that list
of Ellen's former lovers.
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00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:41,360
Mike Dewar.
198
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,800
Was he? Pretty sure he was.
199
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,240
What are you trying to do?
200
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,520
I'm trying to help.
201
00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,520
By implying he might be my dad?
202
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,800
Don't be ridiculous,
I'm not Charismatic Stephen.
203
00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,320
I couldn't run "Steve's Place" -
204
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,920
I tried to run a pub
and it burned down.
205
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,160
Maybe because you didn't have
the right father figure.
206
00:08:58,200 --> 00:08:59,800
Stop fucking with me.
207
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,360
I'm not fucking with you.
It's just...
208
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,160
..I never spent enough time
with my real mother,
209
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,000
and that's the root
of who I am today.
210
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,720
OK, I actually do need a poo now.
211
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,120
Would you mind?
212
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,600
Mum. Yes, she did sleep with Mike.
213
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,720
Charismatic Mike.
214
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,160
Is he potentially my father?
215
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,840
Don't get into this, Stephen.
216
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,800
It's best to let the past
stay in the past.
217
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,960
Right, that's what's
written on the cenotaph, isn't it?
218
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:39,600
Look, I suppose that,
working backwards from your birth,
219
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:42,320
that, yes,
Mike does fit the timeframe.
220
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:43,960
Well, him and Laurie.
221
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,600
I was still sleeping with Laurie.
222
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:46,960
And Cheeky Pete.
223
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,240
Oh, yes.
224
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,280
Oh, I had a thing at the time
for bad boys.
225
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,680
But Cheeky Pete
really was a very bad boy.
226
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,000
He attacked 40 sheep with a machete.
227
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,000
Oh, that is well cheeky.
228
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:01,040
So my dad is potentially
a charmless publican,
229
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:04,280
a lovable charlatan
or-or a sheep murder?
230
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:05,800
Murderer/maimer.
231
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,400
In a more controlled environment,
232
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,280
he'd have just been
a family butcher.
233
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:13,040
But is it likely to be Mike,
do you think, love?
234
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,600
You're very different.
235
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,840
Maybe I can be someone else,
like Charismatic Mike said.
236
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:19,960
Maybe I'm not tied to this family,
237
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,680
destined to be
a disappointing copy of Laurie.
238
00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,440
This could be the most liberating
thing that's happened to me.
239
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,120
Then how are you
going to find out for sure?
240
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,360
All you've got
are my vague sex memories.
241
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,400
Don't worry, leave it to Geoff.
242
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:38,080
Me. I'm speaking in the third person
to add a bit of pizazz.
243
00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,480
Hi. Sorry, I'm in a hurry,
so I've already ordered for me,
244
00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,800
but I wasn't sure what would have
been on today's menu
245
00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:55,920
at the Wellness Centre.
246
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,760
Are you still trying to match that?
247
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,360
No, no. I mean, today would
have been lasagne.
248
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,240
Wednesday lasagne day,
but I'm not bothered.
249
00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,280
What can I get you?
250
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,600
I'll have the lasagne.
251
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:06,960
Coming up.
252
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,880
So I've got to be
back at the office at two.
253
00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,280
Look, part of the reason
I wanted to see you, actually,
254
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,880
is I was wondering... I think
I might have just met my dad.
255
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,400
Are you OK, Stephen?
256
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,000
Are you having visions of Laurie?
257
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,440
Not Laurie, Mike.
258
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:21,920
Mike's the same age as you.
259
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,240
Charismatic Mike.
260
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:27,800
Mike? Charismatic? I can't even
remember if he has a moustache.
261
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,920
This is an entirely separate Mike
who Mum slept with.
262
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,720
He's one of the candidates
to be my dad.
263
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:37,440
Him, Laurie, and a bloke called
Cheeky Pete who stabbed livestock.
264
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:38,920
He stabbed livestock?
265
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,760
It was a different era.
266
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,960
So, say I wanted to get
a paternity test...
267
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,880
Well, we do them a lot at work.
268
00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:48,080
DNA from sweat, saliva, blood, hair.
269
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:52,000
Send them off to commercial
forensics, results back in 72 hours.
270
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,160
But think carefully -
271
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,120
this isn't Andrew playing
with your brain again, is it?
272
00:11:56,160 --> 00:12:00,440
Whatever Andrew's doing or not
doing, I need to know who my dad is.
273
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,280
So, there are three potential dads?
274
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,360
Yes, it's... It's like Mamma Mia.
275
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,480
I've only seen the trailer
for the first one,
276
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:09,760
but I think I get the gist.
277
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:27,480
Alison's organising a DNA paternity
test to unmask the father.
278
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,000
The lucky father.
279
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,440
Already on it, Stevo.
280
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,000
I'm off to exhume Laurie.
281
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,360
With a JCB?
282
00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:35,720
Yeah, it's not a JCB.
283
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:36,920
Whatever the fuck it is.
284
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,680
You want to exhume Laurie with
a mechanical digger?
285
00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,960
I'm not digging him
up with a spade, am I?
286
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,440
With my piles,
they'd pop like bubble wrap.
287
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,440
You can't just
drive into a graveyard
288
00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,200
and start digging up bodies!
289
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,320
You need permission.
290
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:52,000
Easier to seek forgiveness
than permission.
291
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:55,480
I've done a reccy and I might knock
over a few headstones around Laurie,
292
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,000
but they all died in the '50s,
293
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,160
so I don't think they get
many visitors.
294
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,520
Just tramps in search
of a moonlight crap.
295
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:04,880
Jeff, you are not digging up a man
who may have been my father,
296
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,040
but definitely was your brother.
297
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,560
His toothbrush is
still in the bathroom cabinet.
298
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,520
We can use DNA from that.
299
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,840
Amazing. Like Jurassic Park.
300
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,520
You could have a theme park with
thousands of clones
301
00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,400
of your dad running everywhere.
302
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,840
That would be terrifying.
303
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:21,080
But fucking cool.
304
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,120
MUFFLED CHATTER
305
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:36,000
OK, shall... Shall I ask him
for some DNA?
306
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,840
Is it a bit weird to go
straight in on that?
307
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,600
A bit sexual?
308
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,800
He might think you want
maintenance from years ago.
309
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,560
He could go all fathers for justice
310
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,160
and climb on a flat roof pub
dressed as Ironman.
311
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,080
So we steal some DNA.
312
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,440
What's a good source?
313
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,240
Pull a hair out. One hair?
314
00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:56,160
Or a handful? I could pretend
I slipped and was bracing my fall.
315
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,640
No.
316
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,880
Accidental glassing -
swab some blood.
317
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,720
Great idea! And then when
you're in prison,
318
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,880
you can get a sample off
Cheeky Pete, too.
319
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,680
Well, we need to do something.
320
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,320
I'm invested in this.
321
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,920
I need to know if you're
my blood nephew or not.
322
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:10,960
Why?
323
00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,040
Because you went bonkers, Stephen.
324
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,720
Round the bend and up the pictures.
325
00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,240
I want to know if it's genetic.
326
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:17,720
Looking to swipe some DNA?
327
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,280
Under control, thanks.
328
00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,320
Well, I've already got
a sample if that's a help.
329
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:25,200
What, you just happen to take
the DNA of your punters?
330
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,040
Not all of them. Just Mike.
331
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,960
Sorry, Mike, not you -
Charismatic Mike.
332
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,600
Oh, look, fuck's sake!
333
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:34,600
How about you call me
Mike the Barman and him just Mike.
334
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:38,680
Or me Mike, and him
Mike Not-the-Barman, yeah?
335
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,480
Can we not differentiate
on charisma?
336
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,560
Sorry, Mike, what were you saying?
337
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,080
I zoned out for a minute there.
338
00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:47,920
Anyway, the DNA's here
if you want it.
339
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,760
Stevo!
340
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,600
Terry is throwing me
a welcome back party
341
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,440
and we've got some great
guys coming.
342
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,440
We got Worzel, Single Malt,
Barry the Fucker, Pritt Stick Betty,
343
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,440
but it would be nice
to have a fresh face.
344
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:00,960
Thanks, I'd love to.
345
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,320
You know, you remind me
so much of me.
346
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,920
I used to be scared about what
people thought of me,
347
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,520
but then I realised that
the greatest superpower is
348
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,160
to never be embarrassed.
349
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,520
Then you can fly!
350
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,280
You only get one shot at life,
so don't hide from it.
351
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,000
Luxuriate in it.
352
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,320
All right, son?
353
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,560
All right, D... Mike.
354
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,640
KNOCK AT DOOR
355
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,560
Just thought I'd drop
this off for the DNA test.
356
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,160
Couple of hairs
from Charismatic Mike -
357
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,760
from the shoulder of his jacket.
358
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,560
Why are you doing this?
359
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:41,680
To help.
360
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,040
To help Stephen into
another breakdown?
361
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,160
Or is this about Charismatic Mike?
362
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,200
Hot new enigma in town
stealing your thunder?
363
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,680
You want to bring him down by
giving him Stephen as a son.
364
00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,200
Why would Stephen being his son
bring him down?
365
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,480
It wouldn't. Exactly.
366
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:00,880
My point entirely.
367
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,680
I'm a different person now.
368
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:05,720
I played mind games
369
00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,520
because it was just second nature
to me for so long.
370
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:09,600
Right.
371
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,240
When you're alone in the world,
you build up layers of defence.
372
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,960
You try to be who people
want you to be
373
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,320
because you're afraid they'll
hate the real you.
374
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:25,080
When I first arrived, the last thing
I wanted to do was hurt Stephen.
375
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:30,360
But I fear I did through my own
insecurity and I'm truly sorry.
376
00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,320
Can I get anyone teas or coffees?
Or teas?
377
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,360
I said teas. Coffees?
378
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,560
You already asked me half an hour
ago, Cass, and I said tea.
379
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,640
Oh, shit! Sorry. Uh, and sorry
for saying shit. Andrew?
380
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,360
I'm fine, thanks.
381
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,640
Why are you here?
382
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:47,000
Work experience. Temping.
383
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,200
I always thought I'd make
a great solicitor.
384
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,200
Stand up for the underdog.
385
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,880
If a guy's just selling a bit of
weed, leave him alone, copper.
386
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,280
If another guy steals
a loaf of bread,
387
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:00,240
don't hang him, give him
some Dairylea.
388
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,160
They don't hang people any more.
389
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,120
Or do they still, in a way?
390
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:05,720
No.
391
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,960
How are you getting on with
the filing, Cass?
392
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,880
Great. Colour coded, yes?
393
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,400
Alphabetical.
394
00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,320
That's what I meant. Brilliant.
395
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,720
PHONE RINGS
396
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,440
Ugh, parents.
397
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:19,920
What, with them and Stephen,
398
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,840
I feel like a full-time
carer at the moment.
399
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,040
I'll leave you to it.
400
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,280
Hi. Oh, hi, Dad.
401
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,280
Yes. Again?
402
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:32,360
Well, no, no-one really
has aerials any more.
403
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,800
I really think you should
think about getting a smart TV.
404
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,120
You know, you can connect
via the internet.
405
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,480
No, it's not the same
as smart water.
406
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,000
Hey.
407
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,360
Why are you here?
408
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,440
I was invited.
409
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:50,800
Shit.
410
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,760
Has Mike asked everyone
to his welcome back party?
411
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,120
I thought it was an exclusive thing.
MUFFLED GUITAR PLAYS
412
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,440
I think you should get
a diving watch. What?
413
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,680
The shirt looks good.
I think you could expand the look.
414
00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,400
I haven't got a look, I just
dressed in a hurry.
415
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:04,560
Sure.
416
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,640
Don't "sure" me, "sure" yourself.
417
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,880
Right.
COWS MOO
418
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,200
THEY PLAY IRISH FOLK MUSIC
419
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:17,400
CHEERING
420
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,560
How come he's got so many friends?
421
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,920
I've never had a house party with
this many people.
422
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,400
Yo, welcome.
423
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:31,160
I once partied 86 hours
straight in Bali.
424
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,120
I used an adrenaline pen to get me
through the last 90 minutes.
425
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,720
Let's see if we can beat that
record. Have a drink.
426
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,080
I call it a Stevo special.
427
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,760
Orange and passion fruit J2O,
but with gin and vermouth.
428
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:45,960
MIKE CHUCKLES
I don't drink, Mike.
429
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:49,080
I was very reliant on alcohol
and now I've stopped drinking.
430
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:50,840
Andy, tell him.
431
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,200
Life is for living -
you're a long time dead.
432
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,200
He really doesn't want it, Mike.
433
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,360
Well, fuck you both, then.
434
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,520
Do I want to be his son?
435
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,560
Inspirational platitudes
and the use of
436
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,400
emergency pharmaceuticals
to prolong drinking.
437
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,000
But, uh, I don't want
to be Laurie's,
438
00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,960
because that means I'm destined
to be a disappointment.
439
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,320
Cheeky Pete, then.
440
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:17,200
Seems the best option.
I've never liked sheep.
441
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,320
Fuck, I don't know
what I think any more.
442
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:24,120
Is this what you wanted? For me
to feel even more adrift?
443
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,440
I'm just trying to help you.
444
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,880
Shall we go
and dig up Laurie anyway?
445
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:31,240
I'm morbidly interested in
what's left of him.
446
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,400
Who can hot-wire a JCB?
447
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,680
OK, I've not got long.
448
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,800
I can't fix it myself,
but I can call a man.
449
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,240
Oh, it's working?
450
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:48,760
He already came.
451
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,080
Who? The man you sent.
452
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,160
Yeah, he's like an angel.
453
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,840
What are you doing here?
454
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:05,160
The aerial just needed
repositioning.
455
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,560
You listened in on my phone call?
456
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,680
Sorry, I was in the room
and I couldn't help overhearing,
457
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:14,120
and you said that you felt like a
carer so I was just trying to help.
458
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,160
Apologies if I overstepped the mark.
459
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,800
No, I guess... No, it's fine.
Thanks.
460
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:23,920
Yes, Andrew's fixed it for now,
and he's ordered us a new TV.
461
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,160
We can connect via the internet.
462
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,200
So we don't need to
bother about the aerial.
463
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,720
Come on, Phil, let's bleed those
rads and I'll change the time
464
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,040
on the oven for you. Oh!
465
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,520
Oh, why is it that the clocks
have to go back and forward
466
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,840
all the bloody time? I know.
It's ridiculous.
467
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:37,880
Nightmare.
468
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,600
You get back to work. I've got this.
469
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,880
OK. And thanks.
470
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,240
It's a big help.
471
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,160
That's what I'm trying to do now.
472
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,640
Pint of Old Dreadful, please,
Janny J Jan Jan.
473
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,640
Coming at you, Mikey Crikey.
THEY CHUCKLE
474
00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,280
Stephen it's in.
475
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:01,800
Do you want to go somewhere private?
476
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,320
I should hear at the same time.
This affects me as much as him.
477
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:05,480
No, it doesn't.
478
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,320
Yes, it does. I might be about to
discover that I'm an only child.
479
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:09,880
Shouldn't you be back at the office?
480
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,200
Alison fired me.
481
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:12,920
You weren't exactly employed, Cass.
482
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,000
Yo, Stevo!
483
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,160
What you got there, then?
You look nervous.
484
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,480
Let me guess, library fines?
485
00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:20,760
Could be.
MIKE CHUCKLES
486
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,280
Definitely not a DNA test.
487
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,800
Hmm, been a naughty boy,
then, Stevo?
488
00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,040
Damn, he's sharp.
489
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:27,680
No, s-someone else has.
490
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,720
Well, not naughty, necessarily
- sexual.
491
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:34,200
Well, word of advice to your friend
and I say the same to you -
492
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,040
get a vasectomy.
493
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:37,880
I knew I never wanted
to be tied down.
494
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,800
I got one when I was 18
and I always wondered
495
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,640
if I would change my mind
and never did.
496
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,640
I am 18 in my head
and I always will be.
497
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,680
I am Mike, not Dad.
498
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:53,160
Well, that's Mike out
of the picture.
499
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,160
The moment of truth.
Laurie or Cheeky Pete.
500
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:57,720
I heard the results are in.
501
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,360
You sound like you're going to add,
502
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,160
"And the phone lines
are now closed."
503
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,560
Yes, but it is exciting,
finding out who your father is.
504
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,080
Oh, come on, Stephen, open it.
505
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:06,640
STEPHEN SIGHS
506
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:10,400
If it's all the same,
I-I'd rather be Schrodinger's son.
507
00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,040
Is that Cheeky Pete's surname?
508
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,440
Oh, Stephen!
509
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,960
There, all done.
510
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,160
It can remain a mystery.
511
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,440
They usually send it by email
as well, don't they?
512
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:23,000
Shit, course they do.
513
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:25,840
It's Laurie.
514
00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,680
You're Laurie's son.
515
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,080
You're a Nichols.
516
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:30,560
There you go, Stephen.
517
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,520
The blood connection to Laurie.
518
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,000
What you wanted.
519
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,120
You've got the one thing
that you wanted.
520
00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:37,400
Yes.
521
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,640
Yes, I got the one thing I wanted.
522
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,320
I... I'm Laurie's son, forever.
523
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,920
I hope I was able to
help in some way.
524
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,280
That's what I try to do now.
525
00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:51,880
I help.
526
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,800
MUSIC: Son Of My Father
by Chicory Tip
527
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,360
# Son of my father
528
00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,960
# Moulded, I was folded,
I was free from drive
529
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,680
# Son of my father
530
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,960
# Commanded, I was branded
in a plastic bag
531
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:13,200
# Surrounded and confounded
by statistic facts. #
532
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,520
Subtitles by Red Bee Media