1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,960 This programme contains very strong language 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,400 I live here too, Stephen. 3 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,760 So you do. Thanks for the update. 4 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,520 You just seem to take over the whole room. 5 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,640 I-I'm eating a muffin off a small plate. 6 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:19,560 It's not like I've got a hog on a spit and a barrel of mead. 7 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:20,840 I feel restricted. 8 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:22,320 I feel like a caged bird. 9 00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,480 There's just too much, you know, "grrrr" in this house now. 10 00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:26,720 "Grrrr"? 11 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,040 "Grrrr," you know? Competing energy. 12 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:31,000 You and Mum and Julian. 13 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:35,160 I'm in the bedroom next to them and I can hear them at it relentlessly. 14 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:36,800 There's a lot of heavy sex energy. 15 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:38,520 I'd rather not think about that. 16 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:41,720 Are you intimidated by the idea of an older woman enjoying sex? 17 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,120 Yes. 18 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:47,120 I never used to hear Mum and my dad at it in the same way. 19 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,120 Sorry, Mum and YOUR dad? 20 00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:52,280 Well, it's just not being sure if you're Laurie's son or not. 21 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,960 That was one of the things that, you know, sent you a bit... 22 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:56,800 ..mad as a boiled chimp? Sure. 23 00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,280 You just don't really need to point it out. 24 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,520 Hi. Sorry we're late up. 25 00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:07,880 I appreciate your heavy sex energy, Mum, it's empowering. 26 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:10,240 But it's making me want to find a job and move out. 27 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:11,800 Sorry, body of Christ. 28 00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,680 I'm off too. 29 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,400 Not to find a job or somewhere else to live, 30 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,480 although I probably should at some point. 31 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:22,520 Granola for me. 32 00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,560 I-I left a pause there for you to say, "No, no, 33 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,760 "stay in the family home as long as you like, member of the family." 34 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:32,680 Oh, whatever you do, you have my full support. 35 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:33,800 Mine too. 36 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:34,920 Thanks. 37 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,560 That means absolutely nothing. 38 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,120 New snacks? 39 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,600 Johnnies, tampons and Anadin for the vends. 40 00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,000 Cheers, mate, see you next month. 41 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,840 Right you are. Be lucky, guys. 42 00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:58,560 Will do. Double sixes every time. 43 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:05,120 Sorry, I was miming shaking dice, not implying you're a wanker. 44 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:09,480 Not seen you for a few days, Stephen. 45 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,520 Did all the business with puh-ub get to you? 46 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:14,040 I guess a little bit, you know. 47 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:16,920 And Julian being at home is a bit odd. 48 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:19,200 Our stepfather who art in Ellen. 49 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,000 Sorry, Stephen, that's crude. 50 00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,000 Anything new happening here? 51 00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,280 Oh, yes. Yeah, there is, as it goes. 52 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,480 They say rules are there to be broken. 53 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:38,800 Well, bull - if the ladies will excuse me - shit. 54 00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,360 Rules are there to be wilfully ignored. 55 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,560 "Excuse me, Mike, you've broken the law." 56 00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:46,760 Well, sorry, chum, I don't even acknowledge its existence. 57 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,520 Case in point - seat belts. 58 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:53,240 You drive more safely without a seat belt because you take more care. 59 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:56,600 The majority of road deaths are actually caused by seat belts. 60 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,680 I'm not sure you can prove that, Geoff. 61 00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:01,080 I don't need to prove it, Stephen, it's what I believe. 62 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:03,240 This is Stephen, he's Ellen's son. 63 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,280 What? The lovely Ellen. 64 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:07,680 So you're Laurie Nichols' boy? 65 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,560 His surname certainly is Nichols, yes. 66 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,600 Eh! What's your poison, Steve? 67 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,840 Oh, I'll just have a water. 68 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:16,880 It's midday and I am celebrating. 69 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,240 You can't have a water. 70 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:22,920 Jan, get Stevo whatever he wants, as long as it's not water, 71 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,400 and have one for yourself. 72 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:26,120 Oh, thanks, Mike. 73 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:27,880 I like your enormous watch. 74 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,000 Really massive. 75 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:32,800 Thank you. That belonged to Salman Rushdie. 76 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:34,560 Shit at poker. 77 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:39,240 I'll have an orange and passion fruit J2O please, Jan. 78 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,600 Who's the guy with the confidence surplus? 79 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:43,200 Don't think I've ever seen anyone 80 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:45,320 man-spread across a whole room before. 81 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,280 He's called "Charismatic Mike". 82 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,520 Mike is an utter legend. 83 00:03:49,560 --> 00:03:52,160 Not you, Mike. Right. Thanks for clarifying. 84 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,440 Your children's fruity drink, Stephen. Thanks. 85 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,960 I remember Mike's send-off party... 86 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,800 Not you, Mike. Yeah, I know. 87 00:03:58,840 --> 00:04:01,120 ..when he left to join the army in '78. 88 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,080 We ended up back at my farm, 89 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:06,440 jousting on tractors with scaffolding poles. 90 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:07,680 Sounds dangerous. 91 00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,320 Someone lost an eye. 92 00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,160 Those were the days. 93 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,160 And now he's back and everyone's delighted. 94 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,120 A one-man Mardi Gras. 95 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,400 I don't know what it is about Charismatic Mike, 96 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:18,680 but he's got something. 97 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,080 Charisma? 98 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:23,240 That's probably it, yeah, come to think of it. 99 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:24,960 Oh! 100 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,880 I heard he was back. 101 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:28,920 Oh, my word, look at him. 102 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,240 You can feel the charisma from over here. 103 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,920 I can't. I'm with you, Mike. Getting nothing here. 104 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,440 Makes me feel we've been in 2D black and white 105 00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:37,960 all the time he's been away. 106 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,400 You're talking about him like he's Jesus come back. 107 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,600 But he isn't. I would know. 108 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,320 He's Jesus plus. 109 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:48,000 He's what you get if you splice Jesus with Clarkson 110 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,880 and that thin, twinkly cunt who plays Loki. 111 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,120 BAG THUNKS Woo-ooh! 112 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:54,640 Ellen. 113 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,320 As gorgeous as ever. 114 00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,840 CM, long time no... 115 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,120 ..you know. Mm. 116 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:04,400 THEY GIGGLE 117 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:13,600 So I heard you ended up as a city trader, Mike? 118 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,760 Oh, yeah, late '80s. 119 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,120 Wild. 120 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:21,720 But it wasn't me. I felt owned by the markets 24/7. 121 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:26,040 So, one day, I just quit and entered the Paris-Dakar rally. 122 00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,560 I can never fathom why they end it there. 123 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:29,600 Grim place. 124 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,160 You might be thinking of Dachau, Geoff. 125 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,400 Oh, fuck, yes. Sorry. Go on, Mike. 126 00:05:35,440 --> 00:05:37,240 Anyway, I never made it out of Paris, 127 00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:38,880 cos I fell in love with the girl 128 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,240 waving the flag on the starting line. 129 00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:45,040 One year and an annulment later, I find myself out on me arse 130 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:48,120 in Montmartre, so I open an expat bar. 131 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,240 Mike's Place. 132 00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:51,200 Clever. Yeah, wow. 133 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:54,200 Bummed around the Silk Road, dealt in Turkish rugs for a bit. 134 00:05:54,240 --> 00:05:55,480 Love the Silk Road. 135 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:57,480 I travelled the full length twice. 136 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,760 Xi'an to Constantinople and back. 137 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:01,720 I think you mean Istanbul, chum. 138 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:03,920 It was Constantinople when the Silk Road was running. 139 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:05,840 I like to respect the historical context. 140 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,920 Oh, I ran a hostel in Kathmandu, 141 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,720 moved to Oz, where I spent the last of my cash 142 00:06:10,760 --> 00:06:12,880 financing my girlfriend's short film, 143 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:16,040 but she was on marching powder so I got my marching orders. 144 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,520 So, Bob's your wossname, here I am. 145 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:19,880 So what about you? 146 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,520 Very similar vibe actually, Mike. 147 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,680 Er, you probably picked up, I'm a fellow nomad. 148 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,080 I imported electric bikes into Uruguay for a while. 149 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,600 Not you, sweetheart. 150 00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:30,160 Him. Sorry. Me? 151 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:34,160 Yeah, quiet ones are always more interesting than the peacocks. 152 00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:35,880 The floor's yours, Stevo. 153 00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:39,960 OK, er, potted version. 154 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,560 I was born... 155 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,080 No, I'm boring myself already. 156 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,240 Off the sauce, there's a story right there. 157 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:48,400 Let me guess. 158 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,600 A wild man... 159 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,120 ..but he doesn't know it. 160 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:59,040 A lion masquerading as a pussycat. 161 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:01,960 You've lived the life others wanted for you, 162 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,440 not the one you wanted for yourself 163 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:07,040 and, because of that, you've poured your anger into drink 164 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:11,000 when you should have shot it out into the world. 165 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:12,480 But it's not too late. 166 00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:16,400 Do you hear that, Stephen? It's never too late. 167 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:18,360 Like with your maths GCSE. 168 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,600 Yeah, it's funny. 169 00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:22,400 I can see Ellen in you but not Laurie. 170 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,840 He was a strong character, wasn't he? Most popular guy in town. 171 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,760 Formidable, took shit from no-one. 172 00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:30,080 That was him. 173 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:31,480 Ah, well, there we are. 174 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,800 I'm not Laurie and Laurie's not me. 175 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:37,640 Terry, you old badger-fucker. 176 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:39,920 How many badgers have you fucked? 177 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,800 You fuck badgers up the bum. 178 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,880 Fuck me. How long have you been there? 179 00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,160 Only a second. I just needed a moment to recover. 180 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,440 Wasn't expecting a snub from Charismatic Mike. 181 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,160 I really thought we connected. 182 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,160 I was taking a moment too. 183 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,000 All that stuff about how strong Laurie was, 184 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,520 how he didn't take shit from anyone. 185 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:13,640 Whereas I'm a wholesale shit importer. 186 00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:17,440 Of course I'm not his son - it's always been screamingly obvious. 187 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,000 I know this Laurie business has been tough. 188 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:21,720 Balls! You love it. 189 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,320 The one thing I had over you was a blood connection to Laurie 190 00:08:24,360 --> 00:08:26,240 and now that's gone. 191 00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:28,640 It's all I ever really wanted and it's gone. 192 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,200 But you and Charismatic Mike had a weird sort of bond just then. 193 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:33,400 He seemed to know you. 194 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,640 I mean, it's not beyond the realms of possibility, is it? 195 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:37,680 Is what? 196 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,160 He was on that list of Ellen's former lovers. 197 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:41,360 Mike Dewar. 198 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:43,800 Was he? Pretty sure he was. 199 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,240 What are you trying to do? 200 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,520 I'm trying to help. 201 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,520 By implying he might be my dad? 202 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:51,800 Don't be ridiculous, I'm not Charismatic Stephen. 203 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,320 I couldn't run "Steve's Place" - 204 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,920 I tried to run a pub and it burned down. 205 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,160 Maybe because you didn't have the right father figure. 206 00:08:58,200 --> 00:08:59,800 Stop fucking with me. 207 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,360 I'm not fucking with you. It's just... 208 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,160 ..I never spent enough time with my real mother, 209 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,000 and that's the root of who I am today. 210 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,720 OK, I actually do need a poo now. 211 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,120 Would you mind? 212 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,600 Mum. Yes, she did sleep with Mike. 213 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,720 Charismatic Mike. 214 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,160 Is he potentially my father? 215 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,840 Don't get into this, Stephen. 216 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,800 It's best to let the past stay in the past. 217 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,960 Right, that's what's written on the cenotaph, isn't it? 218 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:39,600 Look, I suppose that, working backwards from your birth, 219 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:42,320 that, yes, Mike does fit the timeframe. 220 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:43,960 Well, him and Laurie. 221 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,600 I was still sleeping with Laurie. 222 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:46,960 And Cheeky Pete. 223 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,240 Oh, yes. 224 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,280 Oh, I had a thing at the time for bad boys. 225 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:53,680 But Cheeky Pete really was a very bad boy. 226 00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:56,000 He attacked 40 sheep with a machete. 227 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,000 Oh, that is well cheeky. 228 00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:01,040 So my dad is potentially a charmless publican, 229 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:04,280 a lovable charlatan or-or a sheep murder? 230 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:05,800 Murderer/maimer. 231 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,400 In a more controlled environment, 232 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,280 he'd have just been a family butcher. 233 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:13,040 But is it likely to be Mike, do you think, love? 234 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,600 You're very different. 235 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,840 Maybe I can be someone else, like Charismatic Mike said. 236 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:19,960 Maybe I'm not tied to this family, 237 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,680 destined to be a disappointing copy of Laurie. 238 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,440 This could be the most liberating thing that's happened to me. 239 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,120 Then how are you going to find out for sure? 240 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:31,360 All you've got are my vague sex memories. 241 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,400 Don't worry, leave it to Geoff. 242 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:38,080 Me. I'm speaking in the third person to add a bit of pizazz. 243 00:10:49,400 --> 00:10:52,480 Hi. Sorry, I'm in a hurry, so I've already ordered for me, 244 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,800 but I wasn't sure what would have been on today's menu 245 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:55,920 at the Wellness Centre. 246 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,760 Are you still trying to match that? 247 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,360 No, no. I mean, today would have been lasagne. 248 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,240 Wednesday lasagne day, but I'm not bothered. 249 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:04,280 What can I get you? 250 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,600 I'll have the lasagne. 251 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:06,960 Coming up. 252 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,880 So I've got to be back at the office at two. 253 00:11:08,920 --> 00:11:11,280 Look, part of the reason I wanted to see you, actually, 254 00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,880 is I was wondering... I think I might have just met my dad. 255 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,400 Are you OK, Stephen? 256 00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:19,000 Are you having visions of Laurie? 257 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,440 Not Laurie, Mike. 258 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:21,920 Mike's the same age as you. 259 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,240 Charismatic Mike. 260 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:27,800 Mike? Charismatic? I can't even remember if he has a moustache. 261 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,920 This is an entirely separate Mike who Mum slept with. 262 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,720 He's one of the candidates to be my dad. 263 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:37,440 Him, Laurie, and a bloke called Cheeky Pete who stabbed livestock. 264 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:38,920 He stabbed livestock? 265 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,760 It was a different era. 266 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,960 So, say I wanted to get a paternity test... 267 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,880 Well, we do them a lot at work. 268 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:48,080 DNA from sweat, saliva, blood, hair. 269 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:52,000 Send them off to commercial forensics, results back in 72 hours. 270 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,160 But think carefully - 271 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,120 this isn't Andrew playing with your brain again, is it? 272 00:11:56,160 --> 00:12:00,440 Whatever Andrew's doing or not doing, I need to know who my dad is. 273 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,280 So, there are three potential dads? 274 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,360 Yes, it's... It's like Mamma Mia. 275 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,480 I've only seen the trailer for the first one, 276 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:09,760 but I think I get the gist. 277 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:27,480 Alison's organising a DNA paternity test to unmask the father. 278 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,000 The lucky father. 279 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,440 Already on it, Stevo. 280 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,000 I'm off to exhume Laurie. 281 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,360 With a JCB? 282 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:35,720 Yeah, it's not a JCB. 283 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:36,920 Whatever the fuck it is. 284 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,680 You want to exhume Laurie with a mechanical digger? 285 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:41,960 I'm not digging him up with a spade, am I? 286 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,440 With my piles, they'd pop like bubble wrap. 287 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,440 You can't just drive into a graveyard 288 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:48,200 and start digging up bodies! 289 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,320 You need permission. 290 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:52,000 Easier to seek forgiveness than permission. 291 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:55,480 I've done a reccy and I might knock over a few headstones around Laurie, 292 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,000 but they all died in the '50s, 293 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,160 so I don't think they get many visitors. 294 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,520 Just tramps in search of a moonlight crap. 295 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:04,880 Jeff, you are not digging up a man who may have been my father, 296 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,040 but definitely was your brother. 297 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,560 His toothbrush is still in the bathroom cabinet. 298 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:11,520 We can use DNA from that. 299 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,840 Amazing. Like Jurassic Park. 300 00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:16,520 You could have a theme park with thousands of clones 301 00:13:16,560 --> 00:13:18,400 of your dad running everywhere. 302 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,840 That would be terrifying. 303 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:21,080 But fucking cool. 304 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,120 MUFFLED CHATTER 305 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:36,000 OK, shall... Shall I ask him for some DNA? 306 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:38,840 Is it a bit weird to go straight in on that? 307 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,600 A bit sexual? 308 00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,800 He might think you want maintenance from years ago. 309 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,560 He could go all fathers for justice 310 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:47,160 and climb on a flat roof pub dressed as Ironman. 311 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,080 So we steal some DNA. 312 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,440 What's a good source? 313 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,240 Pull a hair out. One hair? 314 00:13:52,280 --> 00:13:56,160 Or a handful? I could pretend I slipped and was bracing my fall. 315 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,640 No. 316 00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,880 Accidental glassing - swab some blood. 317 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:01,720 Great idea! And then when you're in prison, 318 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,880 you can get a sample off Cheeky Pete, too. 319 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,680 Well, we need to do something. 320 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:07,320 I'm invested in this. 321 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,920 I need to know if you're my blood nephew or not. 322 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:10,960 Why? 323 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,040 Because you went bonkers, Stephen. 324 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,720 Round the bend and up the pictures. 325 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,240 I want to know if it's genetic. 326 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:17,720 Looking to swipe some DNA? 327 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:19,280 Under control, thanks. 328 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,320 Well, I've already got a sample if that's a help. 329 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:25,200 What, you just happen to take the DNA of your punters? 330 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,040 Not all of them. Just Mike. 331 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,960 Sorry, Mike, not you - Charismatic Mike. 332 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,600 Oh, look, fuck's sake! 333 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:34,600 How about you call me Mike the Barman and him just Mike. 334 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:38,680 Or me Mike, and him Mike Not-the-Barman, yeah? 335 00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:41,480 Can we not differentiate on charisma? 336 00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:44,560 Sorry, Mike, what were you saying? 337 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,080 I zoned out for a minute there. 338 00:14:46,120 --> 00:14:47,920 Anyway, the DNA's here if you want it. 339 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,760 Stevo! 340 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:52,600 Terry is throwing me a welcome back party 341 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,440 and we've got some great guys coming. 342 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,440 We got Worzel, Single Malt, Barry the Fucker, Pritt Stick Betty, 343 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,440 but it would be nice to have a fresh face. 344 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:00,960 Thanks, I'd love to. 345 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,320 You know, you remind me so much of me. 346 00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:05,920 I used to be scared about what people thought of me, 347 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,520 but then I realised that the greatest superpower is 348 00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,160 to never be embarrassed. 349 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,520 Then you can fly! 350 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,280 You only get one shot at life, so don't hide from it. 351 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:19,000 Luxuriate in it. 352 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,320 All right, son? 353 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,560 All right, D... Mike. 354 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,640 KNOCK AT DOOR 355 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,560 Just thought I'd drop this off for the DNA test. 356 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,160 Couple of hairs from Charismatic Mike - 357 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,760 from the shoulder of his jacket. 358 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,560 Why are you doing this? 359 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:41,680 To help. 360 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,040 To help Stephen into another breakdown? 361 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,160 Or is this about Charismatic Mike? 362 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,200 Hot new enigma in town stealing your thunder? 363 00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,680 You want to bring him down by giving him Stephen as a son. 364 00:15:52,720 --> 00:15:55,200 Why would Stephen being his son bring him down? 365 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,480 It wouldn't. Exactly. 366 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:00,880 My point entirely. 367 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,680 I'm a different person now. 368 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:05,720 I played mind games 369 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:08,520 because it was just second nature to me for so long. 370 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:09,600 Right. 371 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,240 When you're alone in the world, you build up layers of defence. 372 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,960 You try to be who people want you to be 373 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,320 because you're afraid they'll hate the real you. 374 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:25,080 When I first arrived, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt Stephen. 375 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:30,360 But I fear I did through my own insecurity and I'm truly sorry. 376 00:16:31,680 --> 00:16:34,320 Can I get anyone teas or coffees? Or teas? 377 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,360 I said teas. Coffees? 378 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,560 You already asked me half an hour ago, Cass, and I said tea. 379 00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:42,640 Oh, shit! Sorry. Uh, and sorry for saying shit. Andrew? 380 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,360 I'm fine, thanks. 381 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:45,640 Why are you here? 382 00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:47,000 Work experience. Temping. 383 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,200 I always thought I'd make a great solicitor. 384 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,200 Stand up for the underdog. 385 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,880 If a guy's just selling a bit of weed, leave him alone, copper. 386 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,280 If another guy steals a loaf of bread, 387 00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:00,240 don't hang him, give him some Dairylea. 388 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:02,160 They don't hang people any more. 389 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,120 Or do they still, in a way? 390 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:05,720 No. 391 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:07,960 How are you getting on with the filing, Cass? 392 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,880 Great. Colour coded, yes? 393 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,400 Alphabetical. 394 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,320 That's what I meant. Brilliant. 395 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,720 PHONE RINGS 396 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,440 Ugh, parents. 397 00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:19,920 What, with them and Stephen, 398 00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,840 I feel like a full-time carer at the moment. 399 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:24,040 I'll leave you to it. 400 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,280 Hi. Oh, hi, Dad. 401 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,280 Yes. Again? 402 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:32,360 Well, no, no-one really has aerials any more. 403 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,800 I really think you should think about getting a smart TV. 404 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,120 You know, you can connect via the internet. 405 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,480 No, it's not the same as smart water. 406 00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:47,000 Hey. 407 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,360 Why are you here? 408 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,440 I was invited. 409 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:50,800 Shit. 410 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,760 Has Mike asked everyone to his welcome back party? 411 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,120 I thought it was an exclusive thing. MUFFLED GUITAR PLAYS 412 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,440 I think you should get a diving watch. What? 413 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,680 The shirt looks good. I think you could expand the look. 414 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,400 I haven't got a look, I just dressed in a hurry. 415 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:04,560 Sure. 416 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,640 Don't "sure" me, "sure" yourself. 417 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,880 Right. COWS MOO 418 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,200 THEY PLAY IRISH FOLK MUSIC 419 00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:17,400 CHEERING 420 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:22,560 How come he's got so many friends? 421 00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,920 I've never had a house party with this many people. 422 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,400 Yo, welcome. 423 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:31,160 I once partied 86 hours straight in Bali. 424 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,120 I used an adrenaline pen to get me through the last 90 minutes. 425 00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,720 Let's see if we can beat that record. Have a drink. 426 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,080 I call it a Stevo special. 427 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,760 Orange and passion fruit J2O, but with gin and vermouth. 428 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:45,960 MIKE CHUCKLES I don't drink, Mike. 429 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:49,080 I was very reliant on alcohol and now I've stopped drinking. 430 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:50,840 Andy, tell him. 431 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,200 Life is for living - you're a long time dead. 432 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,200 He really doesn't want it, Mike. 433 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,360 Well, fuck you both, then. 434 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,520 Do I want to be his son? 435 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,560 Inspirational platitudes and the use of 436 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,400 emergency pharmaceuticals to prolong drinking. 437 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,000 But, uh, I don't want to be Laurie's, 438 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,960 because that means I'm destined to be a disappointment. 439 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,320 Cheeky Pete, then. 440 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:17,200 Seems the best option. I've never liked sheep. 441 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:20,320 Fuck, I don't know what I think any more. 442 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:24,120 Is this what you wanted? For me to feel even more adrift? 443 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:25,440 I'm just trying to help you. 444 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,880 Shall we go and dig up Laurie anyway? 445 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:31,240 I'm morbidly interested in what's left of him. 446 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,400 Who can hot-wire a JCB? 447 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:43,680 OK, I've not got long. 448 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,800 I can't fix it myself, but I can call a man. 449 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,240 Oh, it's working? 450 00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:48,760 He already came. 451 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,080 Who? The man you sent. 452 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,160 Yeah, he's like an angel. 453 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:02,840 What are you doing here? 454 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:05,160 The aerial just needed repositioning. 455 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,560 You listened in on my phone call? 456 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,680 Sorry, I was in the room and I couldn't help overhearing, 457 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:14,120 and you said that you felt like a carer so I was just trying to help. 458 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,160 Apologies if I overstepped the mark. 459 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,800 No, I guess... No, it's fine. Thanks. 460 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:23,920 Yes, Andrew's fixed it for now, and he's ordered us a new TV. 461 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,160 We can connect via the internet. 462 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,200 So we don't need to bother about the aerial. 463 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,720 Come on, Phil, let's bleed those rads and I'll change the time 464 00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,040 on the oven for you. Oh! 465 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,520 Oh, why is it that the clocks have to go back and forward 466 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:36,840 all the bloody time? I know. It's ridiculous. 467 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:37,880 Nightmare. 468 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,600 You get back to work. I've got this. 469 00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,880 OK. And thanks. 470 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,240 It's a big help. 471 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,160 That's what I'm trying to do now. 472 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:54,640 Pint of Old Dreadful, please, Janny J Jan Jan. 473 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:57,640 Coming at you, Mikey Crikey. THEY CHUCKLE 474 00:20:57,680 --> 00:21:00,280 Stephen it's in. 475 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:01,800 Do you want to go somewhere private? 476 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:04,320 I should hear at the same time. This affects me as much as him. 477 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:05,480 No, it doesn't. 478 00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,320 Yes, it does. I might be about to discover that I'm an only child. 479 00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:09,880 Shouldn't you be back at the office? 480 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,200 Alison fired me. 481 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:12,920 You weren't exactly employed, Cass. 482 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,000 Yo, Stevo! 483 00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,160 What you got there, then? You look nervous. 484 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,480 Let me guess, library fines? 485 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:20,760 Could be. MIKE CHUCKLES 486 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,280 Definitely not a DNA test. 487 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,800 Hmm, been a naughty boy, then, Stevo? 488 00:21:24,840 --> 00:21:26,040 Damn, he's sharp. 489 00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:27,680 No, s-someone else has. 490 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,720 Well, not naughty, necessarily - sexual. 491 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:34,200 Well, word of advice to your friend and I say the same to you - 492 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,040 get a vasectomy. 493 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:37,880 I knew I never wanted to be tied down. 494 00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:40,800 I got one when I was 18 and I always wondered 495 00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:43,640 if I would change my mind and never did. 496 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:46,640 I am 18 in my head and I always will be. 497 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:48,680 I am Mike, not Dad. 498 00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:53,160 Well, that's Mike out of the picture. 499 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,160 The moment of truth. Laurie or Cheeky Pete. 500 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:57,720 I heard the results are in. 501 00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,360 You sound like you're going to add, 502 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,160 "And the phone lines are now closed." 503 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,560 Yes, but it is exciting, finding out who your father is. 504 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,080 Oh, come on, Stephen, open it. 505 00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:06,640 STEPHEN SIGHS 506 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:10,400 If it's all the same, I-I'd rather be Schrodinger's son. 507 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,040 Is that Cheeky Pete's surname? 508 00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,440 Oh, Stephen! 509 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,960 There, all done. 510 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,160 It can remain a mystery. 511 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,440 They usually send it by email as well, don't they? 512 00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:23,000 Shit, course they do. 513 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:25,840 It's Laurie. 514 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,680 You're Laurie's son. 515 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,080 You're a Nichols. 516 00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:30,560 There you go, Stephen. 517 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:32,520 The blood connection to Laurie. 518 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:34,000 What you wanted. 519 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,120 You've got the one thing that you wanted. 520 00:22:36,160 --> 00:22:37,400 Yes. 521 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,640 Yes, I got the one thing I wanted. 522 00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:44,320 I... I'm Laurie's son, forever. 523 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,920 I hope I was able to help in some way. 524 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,280 That's what I try to do now. 525 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:51,880 I help. 526 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,800 MUSIC: Son Of My Father by Chicory Tip 527 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:57,360 # Son of my father 528 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:01,960 # Moulded, I was folded, I was free from drive 529 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,680 # Son of my father 530 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,960 # Commanded, I was branded in a plastic bag 531 00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:13,200 # Surrounded and confounded by statistic facts. # 532 00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:18,520 Subtitles by Red Bee Media