This programme contains very strong language
Morning, Geoff. Off to a wedding?
Just been to one, Jan.
Who?
Me. Jan meant who was getting married.
Me.
Bloody hell, Geoff.
You kept this quiet.
Who's the lucky lady?
Luca, the Italian bloke who's been working on my farm.
Sexy Luca?
Not that I've noticed.
Oh, that's great Geoff. I, I didn't know you were, uh...
It's a visa thing.
We're not lovers.
Oh. They were gonna deport him.
Easiest way to keep him here.
It helps him, it helps me, it fucks the Home Office.
Win, win, win.
Eh, ciao, ragazzi.
Ciao. Bonjour.
What are you having husband mine? A double Jack Daniels please, Geoff.
You will need to be driving the horse box later, mate, so...
OK, yes strong lager then.
Two very strong lagers please, Jan, for me and my new husband.
Coming right up.
Congratulations. Oh, feel quite emotional.
It's a fake wedding, Jan.
Yeah, I know but still. Oh.
We've still got to have a celebration, haven't we?
Yeah, a few sandwiches, some Cava. Mini Scotch eggs? Sure. Magic!
I am not one of those awful mothers who insist their children be normal.
That's simply not me.
That's simply not you at all, Ellen.
But Stephen's become a lot more normal recently.
Hasn't he?
He's the most normal I've ever seen him.
He's almost normal-normal like a normal person would be.
Good, great.
I mean, he doesn't have to be normal, of course he doesn't.
It's just, hmm, really, really terrific that he is.
Here's to normal children.
How many spare tagines have we got?
We don't have any tagines at all I don't think, love.
Oh, fucking hell!
Big shitty Christ. Cass!
Uh, why do you want a tagine, Cass?
You can't be in a shared student house without a tagine.
Everybody will have tagine and a poster of The Kiss
by Gustav Klimt and a toastie maker and incense sticks
and a notepad on the door with a pen to write funny messages.
"Call for you, where are you? We're in the pub getting wrecked."
I still don't know why you want to live in a shared house, sweetheart.
You're only doing a part-time A Level course.
I think I know. Oh, do you? Did Jesus tell you?
No, he didn't because he's actually just a Jewish revolutionary.
Cass, we know you're an atheist, love, and that's great.
You don't have to keep on telling us.
I think you want to get away because you feel cramped.
I'm living here now and Stephen's back and you crave your own space.
You think that, do you? Yes, I do.
Yeah, well, that is precisely how I feel but it might not have been.
I just want the full student experience.
That's who I am. I've realised - I am a student.
Soak me with knowledge for I am kitchen roll.
DOOR CLOSES Ah, phew!
Hi, sweetheart.
How far this morning?
Oh, just under 16K.
Wow!
The endorphins are racing around my body like,
I don't know, ants in tiny cars.
Time for a shower and a big bowl of porridge.
I'm going to buy a tagine.
Brilliant!
Happy fake wedding, Geoff.
Thanks, Stephen. Drink? I've got a fizzy water, thanks.
Right, I forgot you're Captain Fitness now.
I'm not sure about Captain.
Uh, maybe Second Lieutenant Fitness.
You look well on it.
Your mum was worried you might relapse with all that
business about who your dad was.
I, I've got the fitness bug instead.
Ah, I should actually go and do a quick 10K now.
Don't cycle too hard and stay off the fucking pavements.
See you later.
Excuse me.
How's married life treating you?
You know it's good to know I can stay here. Hmm.
So, you'd have been deported back to Italy if you hadn't married Geoff?
Yes. All this Brexit shit.
SUCKS TEETH I know.
Wouldn't you have had right of permanent residency anyway?
Uh, no, I haven't been here five years.
Only four.
I thought the other day I heard you say you were
here for the London Olympics?
HE LAUGHS
We understand each other, huh, you and me?
We are, uh, very similar.
I'm not sure we are.
Yeah, we are in what we are doing here with these people.
We are like two, as the saying goes.
Peas.
In a pod.
What? The saying is two peas in a pod.
Pot? Pod.
Why? Why would there be only two peas in a pot?
It's a waste of a pot. Pod.
You see, we don't understand each other at all.
Oh, we do understand each other, my friend.
Like two peas boiling together...
..in the pot.
Fucking hell!
Hawthorne, cherry tree, phone box, road sign...
Right!
Hedge vodka.
The best vodka.
Tring? Tring?
Tring. But it's not written in stone.
Neither were the Ten Commandments.
That's all bullshit.
It might be that Julian will be transferred to a new
parish near Tring.
And would you go too, Ellen, to Tring?
Yes. I think I would.
OK.
It's a big decision, though.
Tenure there would be at least ten years.
Right.
Excuse me.
Where is Tring? It's Scotland, isn't it?
Come ye back to bonny Tring?
I thought it was an isle, off the Kent coast.
Isle of Tring.
It sounds Cornish to me.
Or Devon.
Actually, isn't it a forest? The Forest of Tring...
Tring Forest?
It's in Hertfordshire.
That's not ringing any bells.
No, really. Tring is in Hertfordshire.
Are you sure? Sounds more like Scotland to me.
Tring golf course.
Tring distillery.
I, I, I know where it is, Jan.
I looked it when I was asked about moving there.
OK.
Maybe you two can compromise and say it's in the Midlands.
Great, yeah. Works for me.
No, that's lunacy!
It's in Hertfordshire. It's on bloody maps.
All right, vicar.
Steady on.
It really is. I know.
I'm fooling you, idiot robot monitor.
You think this is activity.
Gullible twat watch.
Geoff, can I talk candidly to you?
In a sexual way?
No. Great.
Go ahead. All ears.
How well do you know Luca?
Pretty well.
We spend a lot of time together.
We like to watch episodes of Kavanagh QC on VHS.
Right. And old Springwatches, too.
The Bill Oddie years.
Pre 9/11.
You can watch a wren building its nest oblivious to the coming chaos.
Still feeling the ripples now, aren't we?
I mean, the wren isn't - they only live seven years.
What's that in dog years?
Can you mix them up?
Or is it like metres and yards?
Although, a metre is roughly a yard, isn't it?
Sorry, where was I?
Bill Oddie and the attack on the World Trade Centre.
I wasn't implying Bill was involved.
So Luca.
Yeah. You trust him?
As much as I trust any man. Why?
I just get a vibe from him.
I'm not saying he is but I can spot a grifter.
Oh, yeah. You meet a lot in care.
People who take advantage of others to advance themselves.
I'm grateful for your intervention, Andrew, but fuck off.
I trust Luca.
He's my Kavanagh buddy and my lawful wedded husband.
Now if you'll excuse me my vast prostate is tapping me
on the bladder.
I really like Geoff.
I mean, he's a bit bluff sometimes but...
At Halloween, he wires his door knocker to a car battery.
That's just him trying to be spooky.
At heart, he's a good man.
Well, I mean, I can certainly do some checks.
Land registry etc, see, see what Geoff owns,
what Luca might get in the event of a divorce.
But it will take a while.
I'll pay. Oh, no.
No, it's Geoff. He's sort of family.
No, I insist. It's your professional time.
I wouldn't dream of asking someone of your calibre to work for free.
Well, poor Maureen's vet bills have been pretty eye watering lately.
What's wrong with her?
Absolutely everything.
I've heard that can be tough to treat.
I'll find out what I can.
See if Luca is on the level.
I just don't like the idea of older people being taken advantage of.
This is a really studenty area.
It's like a kind of Greenwich Village.
Ideas and art and music and politics and tagines and dope and fucking.
All the main post enlightenment advances.
Yeah, I'm gonna need to be pretty bloody sharp to join in.
I'm reading On the Road,
the Jack Kerouac, one not the DVLA booklet about your theory test.
Are, are you sure it's a student house?
Well, the landlord says it's mostly students in these houses.
Right. Just not necessarily this particular one.
KNOCK ON DOOR Hi!
Hi, hello, I'm Cass.
Sally. Hi, Sally.
Come in, come in, come in.
Do you want a tea?
Uh, where's the kettle? No idea in all this craziness.
It'll be in one of these two boxes.
Oh, no, I'm fine, don't worry about the tea.
When did you move in?
This, is it?
Literally just minutes ago.
I'm about to unpack tagines etc.
Got these couple of dudes helping.
We might have a smoke in a bit and I don't mean tobacco.
Right, I was just...
I mean cannabis.
I was just calling to say hello.
You'll probably see me around maybe a couple of times a day.
What are you studying?
I'm not.
I'm Mrs Walsh's carer.
She's in the room on the ground floor.
Emergency housing.
Her old place wasn't fit to live in.
How old is she?
She's 89.
Not doing very well sadly but still fairly independent.
So who, who, who else lives here?
Well, there's Tom on the first floor.
He's going through a divorce right now.
Cries a lot. You can hear him crying most of the time.
CRYING IN BACKGROUND
There we go. Then there's Sean -
a tiny man with a big set of conga drums who
never speaks, and Katie, primary school teacher.
OK, she sounds nice.
She's really not.
I might organise a dinner party.
STEADY BEAT OF CONGA DRUMS
Fucker!
Someone's had it.
My auxiliary hedge vodka.
You look cross. What's up? Nothing.
I'm absolutely fine.
I'm cycling, which I love, and I'm sober, which is brilliant.
You going to work? I thought you took Fridays off.
Yeah, I'm gonna see what I can find out about Geoff's properties.
Why?
Andrew thinks Luca might be trying to scam Geoff.
Andrew? I know.
Andrew's worried about scamming?
Sorry, my mind just turned into an Escher staircase.
Andrew thinks something's up.
I guess it takes a fucker to catch a fucker.
Yeah, well, he's paid me to find out if this fucker is fucking Geoff.
OK, but it feels uncomfortable and weird.
Like when there's a teenager on Countdown.
Come on.
DRUMS PLAY IN DISTANCE
Oh, is it tonight, Jess? Cass.
Oh, sorry. It's OK.
Jess, Cass, they're just labels.
It is tonight, Tom. Entree. I got your note under the door.
"Bring some food, bring your stories, bring your humanity." That's the one, yeah, yeah.
And there was a drawing of two tadpoles having sex.
That's the Yin-Yang symbol.
Oh, right. Sorry.
I thought that we could get together as a house and shoot the shit
about politics and life and theology and Love Island.
Serious and silly, you know?
I don't have a TV.
Um, and, and I don't really pay much attention to politics.
They're all the same at the end of the day, aren't they?
I've made two tagines -
lamb for the carnivore, mushroom for the vegans.
And I've made hummus, courgette kofte, flatbreads and tabouleh.
Brought some Popchips.
Great! Yum.
Oh, also, uh, I brought some whisky, but is it OK if just I had that?
No. Sure. I invited the conga guy, but... Oh, he won't come.
He just lives for his congas.
Yeah, I asked Mrs Walsh if she'd like to come
or we could go and visit her.
Who the fuck do you think you are putting a note under my door?
I'm sorry?
Answer my fucking question.
Who the fuck do you think you are?
My name's Cass.
You slide another note under my door, Cass,
and I will finish you.
Is she the primary school teacher? Yeah.
I think she gets stressed by all the marking.
DOOR SLAMS Tagine?
Uh, no, I'm fine with my Popchips, thanks.
Oh, hi, Sally.
Mrs Walsh on her way?
Oh, uh, sorry, I thought you knew.
Mrs Walsh passed away last night.
Oh, no. Yeah, I thought you might have heard the commotion.
No, I wear ear plugs because of the congas and the...
My weeping? Yeah.
Oh, right. She had a fall. The ambulance was called.
She was taken into St Agnes and her poor old heart just gave up.
Oh, dear. Are you OK? Do you want some tagine?
Oh, God, you know what I would love some tagine.
Thank you, Cass.
No thank you, Sally.
Sit down.
PHONE RINGS, DOG WHIMPERS
Hi, Mum. Hi, love.
Thank you. Uh, you working? Uh, yes. Confidential.
Geoff stuff.
Oh, thought so.
It went fine, so no worries.
I'm heading home in a bit.
Sorry, what went fine?
The hospital appointment.
The tests for my, you know, procedure.
Oh, God, I was meant to drive you there and stay with you, wasn't I?
Oh, shit my tits, I'm so sorry.
Listen I'll...I'll come and take you home.
No, no, it's fine.
A friend took me, waited around and they'll bring me back.
I'm so sorry. Don't be silly.
You're the one who's working.
I'm just swanning around being a burden on the NHS.
OK. See you, Mum. Bye, love.
SHE SIGHS
LAUGHTER
I haven't had this much fun in ages.
We are having fun, aren't we? We are.
I might start crying again in a moment if that's OK.
Oh, of course. Cry away, Tom. We don't mind.
Crying is the debt one owes to laughter. Who said that?
It's from a poem I wrote about clowns when I was 22.
It's very profound. Thanks. The lamb tagine is lovely, Cass.
It all is. And the Popchips.
Thanks. Tagines are just great, aren't they?
My mum has at least five different tagines she uses.
My mum, too! She's tagine crazy. Too many tagines!
THEY LAUGH
This is almost exactly how I pictured being a student would be.
TOM WAILS
Hummus, Tom?
Thanks.
I love dips.
And I've got a friend, Sally.
She's not a student, but she acts like one.
And I loved History of Art, session three, so much
that I'm gonna sign up for more A-Levels
and apply to uni, be a proper student.
Wow. You're moving on.
Yeah, I think Mum's finally ready to fly the nest, bless her.
I've done what I can. Tring's the trigger.
New lives all round.
I don't know why anyone wants to go to university.
The fees!
You're 60 grand in debt before you know it.
Well, it's a springboard, isn't it? And a step ladder.
I mean, not at the same time - that'd be a deathtrap.
Knowledge and learning are wonderful things.
Times change, though, Cass.
We've all got access to Wikipedia now.
Ask me anything.
What's the smallest duck in the world?
What's the biggest duck in the world? Hairiest baby?
Who invented Scart leads? Love Scart. Solid.
Like Stickle Bricks, no fucking about.
DOOR OPENS Hey.
Ah! Eh, my husband.
Still feels weird to say it. Well, it is weird, Geoff.
You're two heterosexual men married for immigration purposes.
Yeah, fair enough, I suppose. Hmm.
Hey, Geoff, I looked into the Government's rewilding programme.
Oh, yeah, interesting?
Government pays you not to farm, to let nature take its course
and encouraging nature, wildlife, uh, like, uh, deer,
pine martens, wild boar...
Right all them cunts, got you.
Pays really well.
And we can sell off all the farm machinery and vehicles.
Great. Sounds perfect.
Can you sort out the admin and paperwork and whatnot?
Does my head in. Sure. Leave it with me.
The rinse aid guy has just been.
Brilliant. You off on a cycle?
Yes, Poirot. I am. Have a good one.
Thank you.
Is it you? You look debauched.
Or is it you?
You enormously furtive man.
TRICKLING
HE GAGS
Ha, caught you!
That's rinse aid, you sweaty pissing fuck!
You're drinking rinse aid.
Enjoy your shiny shits, you thieving fucking dog!
What have you done?
I've protected my property,
as is my right in common law as an Englishman. You're insane.
No, I'm reliant on alcohol, trying to disguise that fact from my family
and you've stolen my only source of the drug to which I'm addicted.
That's sane as balls.
Hang on, you stay there.
I'm calling the police.
You've tried to poison me. No, I didn't.
I'm an eccentric man who, as well as vodka,
leaves his rinse aid in bushes, so he's always got some spare.
You poisoned yourself.
You keep bottles of vodka hidden in hedges?
Sure. Oh, Stephen. It's no big deal.
It's just some hedge vodka.
Uh, I've suddenly realised now I say it
that the words "hedge vodka"
don't sound great, so let's just call it outdoor vodka.
All right, for some reason that doesn't sound good either.
Uh, normal vodka.
OK, not that. Vodka.
Look, let's just imagine I'd said vodka.
Although, now even vodka doesn't sound great.
I really thought you'd kicked the booze, Stephen.
Look, I don't like my brain.
I want it to feel different.
I only drink because it's the easiest way to do that.
If they did yoghurt with morphine in it, I'd have that instead.
I'm a victim of other people's lack of imagination.
Full name please, sir.
He was drinking the hedge vodka, too.
Joggy Johnson there.
Why am I the only freak? Name please, sir.
Stephen Richard Nichols.
I thought he was normal again.
I thought he'd turned a corner, but he'd turned two more corners
and ended up back where he started.
Maybe Tring is the answer.
If I go away with you to wherever Tring is...
Hertfordshire. And Cass goes away to study,
and maybe if Geoff gets his rewilding money
and moves away, then perhaps Stephen will find some get-up-and-go.
And she said he actually looked like a bald Iris Murdoch.
Wow, that's a powerful look.
You don't have to pretend you weren't talking about me.
I've disappointed you, I know.
I'm not disappointed.
I'm concerned for you, for your health.
You should maybe get some help.
I got help, remember? It didn't help.
I'll find a way through.
Don't worry about me.
OK, fine. We won't worry.
SCRATCHING
Post.
It is just milk. Good.
That's a blessing.
He's not getting miniatures sent in a Jiffy bag, is he?
So all's still in Geoff's name? Seemingly.
Farm, farmhouse, he rents an extra field, but all in his sole name.
Luca not mentioned.
Hmm, I still don't trust him.
Something's going on.
What makes you so sure?
Look, I'm not stupid.
I know what Stephen thinks of me and what you think of me.
Bottom line is I know what a liar looks like
because sometimes to survive in care and beyond I've...lied.
OK.
What about?
Nothing big.
Maybe I've finessed a past job
to make it seem more important than it was.
My point is I can spot a liar a mile off, and Luca's a liar.
OK, well, I appreciate your honesty.
About the lying.
I appreciate your appreciation. No lie.
Well, look, I, uh, I should head off.
Oh, Wendy dropped this in my car last Friday.
Um, didn't know if she needed it. Mum?
Yeah, she called to ask if I'd take her up to the hospital.
You were working.
On the Geoff thing that you asked me to work on.
I hope you don't mind.
No... No. Thanks for doing it.
I'm not imposing or anything? No. Not at all. Great.
She's a lovely woman.
I bet she's a great mum.
She is. My mum.
My lovely mum.
# He's evil, he's evil
# He's evil, he's evil, he's evil
# He's evil, he's evil
# He's evil, he's evil, he's evil
# He's got wit, he's got charm But when he gets rough... #
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