1
00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:06,640
-- Stephen, I've got some good news.
2
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,440
-- Am I in a coma after all?
3
00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:10,240
Thank Christ for that.
4
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:12,440
Do feel free to switch off
the machine.
5
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:15,920
-- I've talked to the police about what
happened with the hedge-vodka.
6
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,440
-- Maybe just call it vodka.
7
00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:19,040
-- No, the hedge-vodka.
8
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,560
The secret vodka you kept
hidden in a hedge.
9
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:24,440
-- Do they need to know if I want to
prosecute the guy?
10
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:25,760
Because I think I don't.
11
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,400
I was cross at the time, but it was
quite cheap own-brand vodka,
12
00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:32,560
and I think, on the whole, I'll
just chalk it up to experience.
13
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,600
-- You do realise how serious what
happened was, don't you?
14
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:36,920
-- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
15
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,400
I think on the whole I've decided
not that serious.
16
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:40,840
It was just some vodka.
17
00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:42,400
Let bygones be bygones.
18
00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:44,040
-- They're not your bygones.
19
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:45,720
-- Of course they're my bygones.
20
00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,360
I'm the one they went by.
21
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,120
-- No, the poor guy you made drink
rinse aid, they're his bygones.
22
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:53,440
-- The vodka thief?
23
00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,480
-- It's not stealing vodka
if you find it in a hedge.
24
00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:56,680
-- Oh, that's the new law, is it?
25
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,320
-- No, that's the very old law.
26
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,520
And another very old law is don't
force joggers to drink rinse aid.
27
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,760
-- I would question
the antiquity of that law.
28
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,800
-- He could very well have
taken you to court.
29
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:06,880
-- So he's not then?
30
00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,360
-- No. Thanks to some brilliant work by
me,
31
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,000
he's agreed to let bygones
be bygones.
32
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,440
-- Well, if you remember,
that's exactly what I suggested.
33
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,880
-- OK, well, anyway, I just thought I'd
deliver the message.
34
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,800
Wait, you're not going
to have a drink, are you?
35
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:21,520
-- Look, we've established that I drink
too much, but this is Britain.
36
00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:22,600
We all drink too much.
37
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,360
And, do you know what?
I'm good at drinking too much.
38
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,440
Even if I were an alcoholic...
--I think you...
39
00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,280
-- ..which I'm not, but if I were...
--You must...
40
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,720
-- ..which I'm not, but if I were,
I'd be such
41
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,280
a high-functioning one that it
basically wouldn't matter.
42
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,360
-- You tried to poison a stranger.
43
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,480
-- Yes, when I was sober.
44
00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:41,520
It literally would not have happened
if I'd had a drink.
45
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,560
-- You need to take
a look at your demons, Stephen.
46
00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,480
-- I've just told you,
I haven't got drink demons.
47
00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,280
I've got loads of other demons
though
48
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,760
and I promise I'll have
a good look at those.
49
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:54,280
-- Fine, I'm going to go and get some
bits from M&S for Mum and Dad.
50
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:55,600
-- Merlot, please, Jan.
51
00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:56,920
Why is it so busy?
52
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,960
-- Puh-ub's had to close temporarily.
53
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,800
-- They discovered asbestos, so all
their customers have come here.
54
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,360
-- They make a lot of silly fuss
over asbestos.
55
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,800
My farm's full of it.
56
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,480
Ceilings, floor tiles,
insulation, outbuildings.
57
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:13,360
I think I've been exposed to it so
much, I'm immune to any ill effects.
58
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,560
-- So, so it's like you've been
vaccinated with asbestos?
59
00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:17,600
-- Yeah.
60
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,400
Suck on that, nanny state.
61
00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,760
-- So now what does it want me to do?
62
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,560
-- Well, when we don't know,
what always helps?
63
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:40,840
-- Oh, the cog of knowledge.
64
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,080
-- The cog of knowledge.
65
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,560
The all-knowing cog.
66
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,800
-- Aha. Archive.
67
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,520
So where do I put it?
Alison or garden?
68
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,040
-- Mm, that's not really a technical
question, Wendy.
69
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,480
That's more philosophy.
70
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:57,000
Is it Alison in the garden, or is it
the garden with Alison in it?
71
00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,960
What's our focus?
72
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,440
-- Well, can't I put it in both?
73
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:03,600
-- I mean, you very much can put it in
both.
74
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,640
The question is, are you ready to
learn how to put it in both?
75
00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,480
-- No. -- Wendy, come on.
76
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,840
Only 40 minutes ago you didn't know
how to make it go big.
77
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,360
-- Oh. All right, then.
--That's the spirit.
78
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,200
Right, what we need to do is create
keywords within folders.
79
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,120
-- No, no. No, I regret it already.
80
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,160
-- Oh, goddammit, woman,
come on, pull yourself together.
81
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,680
You can do this.
82
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,560
Oh, hi Alison. -- Al.
83
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,680
Hello, sweetheart.
84
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:29,880
Andy's teaching me
how to scan in all the old photos.
85
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,480
-- I can see.
86
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:33,680
I told you how to do that.
87
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,720
-- Yes, but... -- What?
88
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,400
-- But you didn't.
89
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,400
-- I did. I told you at Christmas.
90
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:44,360
-- No, I'm not saying you didn't say
you would, I just mean you didn't.
91
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,400
-- I'm sorry
if I've just been a tiny bit busy,
92
00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,240
what with trying to move house
and ending a long-term relationship.
93
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,960
-- No, I'm not blaming you, darling.
94
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,680
But Andrew offered and I thought...
95
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:56,560
-- Sorry, Alison. This is the TV aerial
all over again, isn't it?
96
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,000
Have I crossed another line?
--No, not at all.
97
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,480
Our reception's never been clearer.
98
00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,680
-- Is that me? -- Yes.
99
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,160
-- Mum, I'm topless.
100
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,080
-- Don't be ridiculous, darling.
You're five.
101
00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,080
-- It doesn't matter how old I am.
102
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,040
They're still the same nipples.
103
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:12,440
-- Don't be silly.
104
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:15,480
-- If it helps, I honestly haven't
registered your nipples.
105
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:26,720
-- Stephen, thanks so much for taking
in all our waifs and strays.
106
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:28,600
Bloody asbestos.
107
00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,240
-- Looks like we're doing very well out
of it, so...
108
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:34,560
-- Sorry things didn't work out with
you and the job at our place.
109
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:35,800
Bygones?
110
00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,440
-- I'm hearing that word a lot today.
111
00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,000
-- We were wondering, Stephen,
112
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:44,120
would you guys be able to host
our pub quiz tomorrow night?
113
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,760
-- Quiz? -- It's a rollover.
114
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:47,440
The jackpot's up to £800,
115
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,240
so all the regulars are keen for it
to go ahead.
116
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:53,000
You guys could even put
a team together.
117
00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,520
-- A pub quiz?
118
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,880
-- Ah, a pub quiz.
119
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,120
-- A pub quiz? Oh.
120
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:04,480
-- But I'm thinking maybe this
is the demon I can actually face.
121
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:05,600
The dreaded pub quiz.
122
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,040
I think I might be able to
exorcise this demon.
123
00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,040
-- Are we talking about an actual
exorcism here?
124
00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,080
Because I could definitely get us
mate's rates.
125
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,960
-- One of the last things that Laurie
did before he went
126
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,120
into the hospice was
organise a pub quiz.
127
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:19,320
The jackpot question was about law.
128
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,280
Stephen buzzed prematurely.
129
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:23,880
-- My finger slipped. I, I panicked.
130
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,400
-- He got the answer wrong,
so the other team automatically won.
131
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:27,800
Who were they again?
132
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:30,560
-- The Brights. The fucking Brights is
who they were.
133
00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:34,160
-- Laurie thought Stephen ought
to have known the answer
134
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,960
because of all his legal training
that Laurie paid for.
135
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,400
-- Not in America. It was a question
about the US legal system.
136
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,840
-- Anyway, it all got a bit, uh,
drastic.
137
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:46,240
-- Dad got angry, never forgave me,
and then he died.
138
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,560
Classic.
139
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,640
-- Hi. -- Hey. You again.
140
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,400
-- Ah, it's nice to check in,
even though
141
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:53,960
obviously I live independently now.
142
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,520
-- It's great. We love it.
143
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,560
Uh, you did check in this morning.
144
00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,360
-- I know, but I just had a brilliant
History of Art sesh.
145
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:02,880
We're looking at a late Rembrandt,
The Two Moors.
146
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,960
That was the old word for what
we would now call African Americans.
147
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,400
-- Did they have Americans then?
148
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,640
-- No. I mean, uh, Dutch Americans.
149
00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:11,880
No, African...Dutchmen?
150
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,960
-- I think just Africans.
151
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,800
-- Right. Anyway, the wonderful thing
is, is that Rembrandt paints them
152
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,680
as if they were just normal people.
153
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,200
Which they were. Are.
Which they are and were.
154
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:23,880
But Rembrandt wouldn't
have thought so.
155
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,520
That's my point. Except that he did.
But he shouldn't have.
156
00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,080
-- Shouldn't he? -- No.
157
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,280
Yes, he should, and he did,
and that's my point,
158
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,880
and that's why it's my favourite.
159
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,760
Anyway, what's everyone else's news?
160
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,640
-- If I put a pub quiz team
together, Cass,
161
00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,240
would you want to be part of it?
162
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,800
-- You? Even after you..?
163
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:43,280
-- I know, but I've decided
to clamber unsteadily
164
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,520
back onto that horse.
165
00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,600
-- I might put my own team together.
166
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,600
My housemates. The gang.
167
00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,000
-- Fair enough. How about you, Mum?
168
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,880
-- Oh, well, I will if you like, love,
but I don't really know anything.
169
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,400
-- No, that's true.
170
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,240
Julian? How's your trivia knowledge?
171
00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,080
-- Well, I'm no Professor Branestawm,
172
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,440
but what knowledge I do have is far
from trivial.
173
00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,800
It's the sure
and certain knowledge that...
174
00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,680
-- Jesus is magic. I know.
175
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,680
Never mind. That rarely comes up.
176
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,800
-- LAUGHTER
177
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,640
Then above that,
we have the Great Bear.
178
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,200
Ursa Major.
179
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:39,240
-- Mum, what on earth do you think
you're do... Dad!
180
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:40,600
-- Hey, pull up a pew.
181
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,480
Andrew's teaching me
all about the stars.
182
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:44,520
-- What about the stars?
183
00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,360
There's fucking loads of the
bastards, what else do you need to
know?
184
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:51,800
-- Well, what they're called, you know.
What consellations they're in.
185
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,840
Co... Constellations, I mean.
186
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,480
-- What does Andrew know about that?
187
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,400
-- Oh, my word, everything.
188
00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,000
He used to be an astronomer,
didn't you know?
189
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,760
-- Not really. I dabbled.
190
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,160
Very junior position
over at Goonhilly Down,
191
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,320
towards the end of the '90s.
192
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,600
-- Dad, do you really think
you ought to be out in the garden
193
00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,920
in the middle of the night?
--Oh, I'm fine. Fit as a flea.
194
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,200
It turns out, I've got a better
resting heart rate than Andrew here.
195
00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:19,600
-- I gave Phil a quick, not medical
exactly, but checked a few vitals.
196
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,120
You know. I thought it'd be
irresponsible not to
197
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,840
if we were going to be sat out.
198
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,200
-- Oh, isn't he lovely?
199
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:29,440
I think he must be the only chap
I've ever met who's pure goodness.
200
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:32,560
No, I tell a lie,
I did once bump into Tony Hart.
201
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,960
-- That's his whole thing though.
202
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,160
When you just say it
out loud to people...
203
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,680
-- Archiving old photographs,
stargazing.
204
00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,720
-- Right, it sounds perfectly normal.
205
00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:46,480
And nice.
206
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,200
-- Maybe it is normal and nice.
207
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,040
-- Do you believe that?
208
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,240
-- No.
209
00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,280
-- This is new.
210
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,600
I thought it was just me
he wanted to inject his venom into.
211
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,960
-- Maybe he's expanding
his client list.
212
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,600
Maybe he sees me as part of you
because we used to be married.
213
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,000
-- Happily married.
214
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,080
That shouldn't be how it works
though.
215
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,680
Batman has other villains.
216
00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,960
Joker doesn't have other Batmen.
217
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,200
-- Did you just instinctively
pluralise Batman?
218
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,160
-- I'm not a savage.
219
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,840
So, Geoff,
you're in for the quiz, right?
220
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:24,400
-- Sure. I'm good on popular culture,
up until about 1998.
221
00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,320
Or 2002 even.
222
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,240
When was Chris Tarrant around? Then.
223
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,640
I'm good at that.
224
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,840
-- Right. We need a bit more heft
if we're going to beat the Brights.
225
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:34,920
-- Sorry, who are the Brights?
--Oh, they're the worst.
226
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,160
They're sort of pub quiz
asset strippers.
227
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,120
Like that gang in the
Wild West that went around
228
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,800
stealing everyone's money.
229
00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,000
-- The James Gang? -- See, I don't know.
230
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,200
But the Brights would.
231
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,720
I don't know what I'm talking about,
232
00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,840
but they'd know exactly what
I was talking about.
233
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:51,560
-- They've got one of those creepy kids
who can recite pi for days.
234
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,720
-- And a triple Mastermind
semifinalist,
235
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,280
which is more impressive than it
sounds.
236
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:57,560
And it sounds impressive.
237
00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:01,200
-- Oh, her? Mary?
Yes, she's class, she really is.
238
00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:04,560
She could've been on Eggheads, but
it's who you know with that crowd.
239
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,160
-- Anyway, as soon as there's a decent
prize anywhere west of Reading,
240
00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:12,160
they swoop in like brainy locusts
and hoover it up.
241
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,640
Basically, they're my nemeses.
242
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,400
-- I thought Andrew was your nemesis?
243
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,320
-- Well, he's one of them,
and they're another.
244
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,800
-- You can't have more than one
nemesis. -- You can have as many as you
like. Look at Batma
-- n.
245
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:25,280
-- He's got the Joker, the cat lady,
Danny De Vito,
246
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,440
one that's like the Joker but green.
247
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,680
I should know these,
they might come up.
248
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,080
-- Could Andrew join you maybe?
Oh, he's very clever.
249
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:34,960
-- Oh, yes. Razor-sharp mind.
250
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,440
Sagacious, forensic, galaxy brain.
251
00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,480
-- He could help you beat
the Brights, Stephen.
252
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,160
He could defeat your demons.
253
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,960
In this situation, I think
Andrew might be the Exorcist.
254
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,560
-- This needs to be an efficient,
focused strike, like Hatton Garden.
255
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,320
In, do the business, out.
256
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,920
Wallop, cushty.
257
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,560
-- Didn't they all go to prison?
258
00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,440
-- I know how much this
means to you, Stephen.
259
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,080
To your mental wellbeing.
260
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,240
-- I'm sure you do.
261
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,800
-- So let's get your thinking heads on
and win this.
262
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,120
-- Just wanted to wish
everyone good luck.
263
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:27,400
It doesn't matter if you fail,
you can't know everything.
264
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:31,080
And sometimes you need to hit rock
bottom before things begin to
265
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:32,120
look up.
266
00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:33,440
-- Is this a pep talk?
267
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,920
-- It was meant to be,
but I should have rehearsed it.
268
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,400
Ooh.
269
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,320
-- Don't think I've been in a pub
since the split with Becca.
270
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,280
-- We can leave whenever you like.
--Thanks.
271
00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:47,640
I'm...I'm fine at the moment.
I'm feeling supported. -- Mm.
272
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,440
-- Feeling pretty safe, actually.
273
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,920
-- What's your specialist subject,
quiz-wise?
274
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:55,640
-- I guess, uh, serial killers?
275
00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,240
-- Quiz Akabusi. Quiz Evans.
276
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:01,920
Quiz Quizstofferson.
277
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:05,280
-- Geoff, the team name doesn't have to
be a Chris-Quiz pun.
278
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,920
-- Of course it does. They always are.
279
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,680
It's hilarious.
Oh, Quiztopher Columbus.
280
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,600
Quiz Sturrock. -- Who's Chris Sturrock
again? Is he a cricketer?
281
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,640
-- No, that's thin bloke who
does my silage.
282
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,760
Oh, Let's Get Quizzical.
Uh, Quizzywig.
283
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,200
Uh, the Quizzard of Oz.
284
00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,080
The...Quizzard of Quoz.
285
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:22,360
-- Geoff.
286
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:25,560
-- Look, to be clear, I am going to
keep doing these until you pick one.
287
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,480
-- No, Geoff, look.
288
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,800
The Bright's. The fucking Bright's.
289
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,080
-- Is that Mary Ryan?
Isn't she the quizzing legend?
290
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:37,840
-- We can beat them.
291
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,360
We can. Even with Mary Ryan.
292
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,640
-- Do you have a plan?
293
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:45,520
-- Well, no, I...I was just expressing
it as, as a hope and a want.
294
00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:49,480
-- Well, I hope and want to get one
more erection before I die,
295
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,880
but it's unlikely,
unless they hang me.
296
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,800
-- Don't worry. I'm going to do
everything I can
297
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,320
to win this quiz, Stephen.
298
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,800
Everything.
299
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:05,360
-- Jan, next question, if you please.
300
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,200
-- Mike, I thank you kindly.
301
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,520
The next question is as follows.
302
00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:16,200
The smallest city in Britain is
also the windiest city.
303
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,560
-- MIKE BLOWS
304
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,040
-- What is it?
305
00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,680
-- I know. Give me the pen.
306
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,280
Give me the pen.
--You'll never get the pen, Geoff.
307
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:24,680
WHISPERS: -- Chicago...
308
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,960
Chicago. -- Chicago? -- Shh!
309
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:30,400
-- You think the smallest
city in Britain is Chicago?
310
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:31,840
-- What? No, it's the Windy City.
311
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,560
That's what they call it.
--That's only a third of the question.
312
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,480
-- No time for maths now,
Professor Yaffle.
313
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,040
This is geography.
314
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,680
-- And that's a very respectable
half-time
315
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,000
score for the Team Tagine guys.
316
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,000
-- And Denser than Mensa are doing
very well indeed.
317
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:58,640
But way, way out front with 24 out
of 25 points,
318
00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:01,760
it's The Bright's.
319
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,480
-- Bright by name.
320
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:04,760
-- Yes, they are.
321
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,960
-- Oh, well. We're fucked.
322
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,240
Should we call it a night?
No sense humiliating ourselves.
323
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,720
-- I wonder which one they got wrong.
324
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,000
-- I can't imagine.
325
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,960
Maybe there was a question
about having a girlfriend.
326
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,080
-- I think two of them are married.
--And one's just a kid.
327
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,120
-- Yes, yes, all right.
328
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,520
-- And also, do you have a g...?
--I said all right!
329
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,400
-- Yeah.
330
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,320
-- How old do you reckon
that Bright's kid is?
331
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,680
-- Does he even have an age?
332
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:34,040
Think they grow those
brainiacs in pods at Mensa.
333
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,480
-- I only ask because I hope he's not
334
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,400
too young to be doing the quiz.
335
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,240
-- What do you mean? Accompanied kids
are fine to be in pubs.
336
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:44,240
-- It's just under-16s can't take
part in gambling.
337
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:48,560
And this stick-or-twist ending
with money at stake,
338
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,080
does that technically make it
gambling?
339
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,360
-- So we...we...we could get
baby Einstein thrown out?
340
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,520
-- Don't know.
341
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:56,560
Could we?
342
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,520
-- Go and tell Bryony. -- No.
343
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,000
I wouldn't like to do that.
It's not really on, is it?
344
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,480
-- Why did you mention it then?
345
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:03,880
-- Just thought it was interesting.
346
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,880
-- You want me to do the dirty work?
347
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,720
-- No. I don't think anyone should do
it.
348
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,360
I think it's great
the kids get to play.
349
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:10,600
-- Are you going to stop me?
350
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,880
-- Stephen, I've made my position
on this very clear.
351
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,000
I can't go any further than that.
352
00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,160
-- Thanks.
353
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,000
Well, I did it.
354
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:11,440
-- Great.
355
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,000
But now I feel bad for them.
356
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,520
-- You live by the quiz rules,
you die by the quiz rules.
357
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,480
-- Yeah,
but they weren't really cheating.
358
00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,240
It's just...
359
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,360
..I think I'd like to help them.
Sorry.
360
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,120
Hi, sorry, excuse me.
361
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,680
Um, my name's Andrew and I am,
362
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,840
well, I'm from that team over there.
363
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,320
-- Oh, are you?
364
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:40,640
-- I know, and I just wanted to say,
we are so sorry.
365
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,040
He's the team captain.
366
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,160
He's just such a stickler.
367
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,160
-- Yeah, well it's a bit
late for apologies now.
368
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,880
-- I know, I know, and that's
why I thought the least I could do,
369
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,680
if you'll have me,
370
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:55,480
is defect to your team
for the second half of the quiz.
371
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,960
-- What's Andrew doing? -- He's defected.
372
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,480
He's joined the Bright's cos
he knows they're going to win.
373
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,080
-- No. He's up to something clever.
374
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:17,000
-- "I'm going to do everything
I can to win this quiz, Stephen."
375
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,120
He's a traitor.
376
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:22,320
BOTH: -- # Quiz, quiz-a, quiz, quiz,
quiz-a, quiz, quiz, quizzity quiz. #
377
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,640
-- Yeah! -- That's right, Mike.
378
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:26,440
Let's get back to the quiz.
379
00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,240
Here's Mike.
380
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,400
-- Thanks, Jan. Question seven.
381
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:34,760
Which Italian statesman did
AJP Taylor describe as the only
382
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:40,520
wholly admirable figure
in modern history?
383
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,360
-- Yeah, I think... -- I already know what
you're going to say, Geoff,
384
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,240
and I'd really love it
if you didn't say it.
385
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,040
-- Right, but... -- It's not Mussolini.
386
00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,080
-- He made the trains run on time.
387
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,120
-- He didn't. And even if he did,
388
00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,400
that doesn't make him wholly
admirable.
389
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,160
-- I'm not saying I think that.
390
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:58,120
I'm just saying this AJ bloke might.
391
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,040
We don't know who he is, do we?
392
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,840
Maybe he's a massive Nazi.
393
00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,680
I'll write that, then, shall I?
--Yeah. I think so.
394
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:10,000
-- So, we're sure, are we?
That it's Mussolini?
395
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,920
-- No, not really.
396
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,280
But I don't know any other
Italian statesmen.
397
00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,680
Do you? -- No.
398
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,200
-- Mary would know.
399
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:19,840
-- But she's not coming back.
400
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,240
-- Mary and Lee,
they're the Bright's, really.
401
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,280
We're very much the, uh,
backing singers.
402
00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,000
-- THEY LAUGH
--Right.
403
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,960
-- I don't think we've won.
404
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,400
-- Sorry I wasn't much use.
405
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:35,440
-- You were fine.
406
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,480
-- I really thought I'd know the
picture round, but I'm not so sure.
407
00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,520
-- Yeah. I do think it was
Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting.
408
00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,400
-- And not Harold Shipman.
409
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,000
-- Yeah. I think you're right.
410
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,760
-- The final scores please, Jan.
411
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:53,720
-- In third place, with 44 points,
it's Sir Quiz Hoy.
412
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,280
-- APPLAUSE
413
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:58,720
-- And in second place, with 48 points,
414
00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,640
Denser than Mensa.
415
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,440
-- And in first place, this is very
exciting,
416
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,240
we have a tie.
417
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:07,760
-- ALL: Ooh.
418
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,040
-- Indeed.
419
00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,760
With 52 points each,
420
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:15,840
it's The Bright's and, coming up
very strongly in the second half,
421
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,480
QuizTeam Aguilera.
422
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:19,680
-- Yeah.
423
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:20,920
-- APPLAUSE
424
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,640
-- Would the team captains join us
up here, please?
425
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,600
-- Good luck, Stephen.
--Don't stuff it up this time.
426
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:32,760
-- What do you think?
Do you want to do it or, shall I?
427
00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:35,680
-- It's fine to fail.
428
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,520
-- Shall we toss for it?
--It's OK, guys. I've got this.
429
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,800
-- Your buzzers, gentlemen.
430
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,200
-- Use them wisely.
431
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,200
-- It's time for the tie-break
jackpot question.
432
00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,840
-- Ooh.
433
00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,320
-- OK, so first to buzz gets to answer.
434
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:06,560
But if you get it wrong,
the other team automatically wins.
435
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:07,760
Ready?
436
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,080
-- HE CLEARS THROAT
437
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,240
Yes, OK.
438
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,440
Ready. -- Ready.
439
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,680
-- OK. £850 up for grabs,
440
00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,880
and it's an astronomy question.
441
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,160
So, here we go.
442
00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:25,520
By what name is the star Sirius
443
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,440
more commonly known?
444
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,560
-- Either of you? Sirius?
445
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,680
-- Don't you know, Stephen?
446
00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,040
-- Yes, I know.
447
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,440
I absolutely know. 100%.
448
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,120
Do you? -- Of course.
449
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,520
So why aren't you buzzing?
--Why aren't you?
450
00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,480
-- I know how much this means to you.
451
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,920
-- I can live with you getting in
first,
452
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,800
but I couldn't bear to buzz
453
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:56,840
and get it wrong and give victory
to you and the fucking Bright's.
454
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,360
-- But you do know the answer,
don't you?
455
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,800
-- I am as certain of it as I am
of my own name.
456
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,040
-- We're going to have to hurry you,
aren't we, Mike?
457
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,840
-- Hurry up. -- See? It's got to be worth
a guess.
458
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,280
-- BUZZER RINGS
459
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:28,520
-- The answer is, of course...
460
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,600
..the Pole Star.
461
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,480
-- ALL: -- Aww.
462
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:36,880
-- No, it's not.
463
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,400
-- I'm afraid that's the wrong answer,
Andrew.
464
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,560
Bad luck. -- That's right. It's wrong.
465
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:46,720
-- And so tonight's worthy
winners are Stephen Nichols
466
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,480
and QuizTeam Aguilera.
467
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,200
-- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
468
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:56,280
-- The correct answer was, of course...
--Dog Star.
469
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,640
Sirius is the Dog Star. -- Correct.
470
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,200
Yeah. What were you playing at,
laughing boy?
471
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:05,440
What was the big idea?
472
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,840
-- I can't believe you didn't get
the answer to that question.
473
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,720
Even I basically knew that one,
more or less.
474
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,000
-- Not my night, hey?
475
00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,400
-- Not your night. My night.
476
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,640
-- Didn't you tell my dad you
worked as an astronomer?
477
00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,000
-- I didn't say astronomer.
478
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,360
-- I think you did.
You said exactly that.
479
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:23,200
And yet you thought Sirius
was the Pole Star?
480
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:25,200
-- You took a dive.
481
00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:28,400
-- So Stephen could
exorcise his quiz demons.
482
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,280
-- What a guy. -- No, he didn't.
He just didn't know.
483
00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:32,640
Andrew, tell them.
484
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,520
Tell them you genuinely didn't know.
485
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,960
-- Stephen's absolutely right.
486
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,800
I just had one of those
weird blanks.
487
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,600
Couldn't for the life of me
remember the name of Sirius.
488
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,200
-- THEY LAUGH
489
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,160
-- I wasn't expecting that.
490
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,440
-- Well done, mate.
491
00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,040
You won fair and square.
492
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,200
Hope it helped.
493
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:01,920
-- # Everyone's a winner, baby,
that's the truth
494
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:02,960
-- # That's the truth
495
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:06,560
-- # Making love to you is
such a thrill
496
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:11,240
# Everyone's a winner, baby,
that's no lie
497
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,640
-- # That's no lie
498
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:16,280
-- # You never fail to satisfy
499
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,960
-- # Satisfy... #
500
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,000
-- Subtitles by Red Bee Media