1 00:00:04,680 --> 00:00:06,640 -- Stephen, I've got some good news. 2 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:08,440 -- Am I in a coma after all? 3 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:10,240 Thank Christ for that. 4 00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:12,440 Do feel free to switch off the machine. 5 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:15,920 -- I've talked to the police about what happened with the hedge-vodka. 6 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:17,440 -- Maybe just call it vodka. 7 00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:19,040 -- No, the hedge-vodka. 8 00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,560 The secret vodka you kept hidden in a hedge. 9 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:24,440 -- Do they need to know if I want to prosecute the guy? 10 00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:25,760 Because I think I don't. 11 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,400 I was cross at the time, but it was quite cheap own-brand vodka, 12 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:32,560 and I think, on the whole, I'll just chalk it up to experience. 13 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:35,600 -- You do realise how serious what happened was, don't you? 14 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:36,920 -- Yeah, that's what I'm saying. 15 00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:39,400 I think on the whole I've decided not that serious. 16 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:40,840 It was just some vodka. 17 00:00:40,880 --> 00:00:42,400 Let bygones be bygones. 18 00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:44,040 -- They're not your bygones. 19 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:45,720 -- Of course they're my bygones. 20 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:47,360 I'm the one they went by. 21 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:52,120 -- No, the poor guy you made drink rinse aid, they're his bygones. 22 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:53,440 -- The vodka thief? 23 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,480 -- It's not stealing vodka if you find it in a hedge. 24 00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:56,680 -- Oh, that's the new law, is it? 25 00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:58,320 -- No, that's the very old law. 26 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,520 And another very old law is don't force joggers to drink rinse aid. 27 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,760 -- I would question the antiquity of that law. 28 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,800 -- He could very well have taken you to court. 29 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:06,880 -- So he's not then? 30 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,360 -- No. Thanks to some brilliant work by me, 31 00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,000 he's agreed to let bygones be bygones. 32 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,440 -- Well, if you remember, that's exactly what I suggested. 33 00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:15,880 -- OK, well, anyway, I just thought I'd deliver the message. 34 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,800 Wait, you're not going to have a drink, are you? 35 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:21,520 -- Look, we've established that I drink too much, but this is Britain. 36 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:22,600 We all drink too much. 37 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,360 And, do you know what? I'm good at drinking too much. 38 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:27,440 Even if I were an alcoholic... --I think you... 39 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,280 -- ..which I'm not, but if I were... --You must... 40 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,720 -- ..which I'm not, but if I were, I'd be such 41 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,280 a high-functioning one that it basically wouldn't matter. 42 00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:36,360 -- You tried to poison a stranger. 43 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,480 -- Yes, when I was sober. 44 00:01:38,520 --> 00:01:41,520 It literally would not have happened if I'd had a drink. 45 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,560 -- You need to take a look at your demons, Stephen. 46 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,480 -- I've just told you, I haven't got drink demons. 47 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:47,280 I've got loads of other demons though 48 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,760 and I promise I'll have a good look at those. 49 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:54,280 -- Fine, I'm going to go and get some bits from M&S for Mum and Dad. 50 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:55,600 -- Merlot, please, Jan. 51 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:56,920 Why is it so busy? 52 00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,960 -- Puh-ub's had to close temporarily. 53 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,800 -- They discovered asbestos, so all their customers have come here. 54 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,360 -- They make a lot of silly fuss over asbestos. 55 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,800 My farm's full of it. 56 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,480 Ceilings, floor tiles, insulation, outbuildings. 57 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:13,360 I think I've been exposed to it so much, I'm immune to any ill effects. 58 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,560 -- So, so it's like you've been vaccinated with asbestos? 59 00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:17,600 -- Yeah. 60 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:19,400 Suck on that, nanny state. 61 00:02:34,720 --> 00:02:36,760 -- So now what does it want me to do? 62 00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:39,560 -- Well, when we don't know, what always helps? 63 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:40,840 -- Oh, the cog of knowledge. 64 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,080 -- The cog of knowledge. 65 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:43,560 The all-knowing cog. 66 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,800 -- Aha. Archive. 67 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,520 So where do I put it? Alison or garden? 68 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:52,040 -- Mm, that's not really a technical question, Wendy. 69 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:53,480 That's more philosophy. 70 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:57,000 Is it Alison in the garden, or is it the garden with Alison in it? 71 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:58,960 What's our focus? 72 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,440 -- Well, can't I put it in both? 73 00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:03,600 -- I mean, you very much can put it in both. 74 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,640 The question is, are you ready to learn how to put it in both? 75 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:08,480 -- No. -- Wendy, come on. 76 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,840 Only 40 minutes ago you didn't know how to make it go big. 77 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,360 -- Oh. All right, then. --That's the spirit. 78 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,200 Right, what we need to do is create keywords within folders. 79 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:18,120 -- No, no. No, I regret it already. 80 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,160 -- Oh, goddammit, woman, come on, pull yourself together. 81 00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,680 You can do this. 82 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,560 Oh, hi Alison. -- Al. 83 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:26,680 Hello, sweetheart. 84 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:29,880 Andy's teaching me how to scan in all the old photos. 85 00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,480 -- I can see. 86 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:33,680 I told you how to do that. 87 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,720 -- Yes, but... -- What? 88 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:38,400 -- But you didn't. 89 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,400 -- I did. I told you at Christmas. 90 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:44,360 -- No, I'm not saying you didn't say you would, I just mean you didn't. 91 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:46,400 -- I'm sorry if I've just been a tiny bit busy, 92 00:03:46,440 --> 00:03:49,240 what with trying to move house and ending a long-term relationship. 93 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,960 -- No, I'm not blaming you, darling. 94 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,680 But Andrew offered and I thought... 95 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:56,560 -- Sorry, Alison. This is the TV aerial all over again, isn't it? 96 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,000 Have I crossed another line? --No, not at all. 97 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,480 Our reception's never been clearer. 98 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:03,680 -- Is that me? -- Yes. 99 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,160 -- Mum, I'm topless. 100 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:07,080 -- Don't be ridiculous, darling. You're five. 101 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,080 -- It doesn't matter how old I am. 102 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,040 They're still the same nipples. 103 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:12,440 -- Don't be silly. 104 00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:15,480 -- If it helps, I honestly haven't registered your nipples. 105 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:26,720 -- Stephen, thanks so much for taking in all our waifs and strays. 106 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:28,600 Bloody asbestos. 107 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,240 -- Looks like we're doing very well out of it, so... 108 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:34,560 -- Sorry things didn't work out with you and the job at our place. 109 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:35,800 Bygones? 110 00:04:35,840 --> 00:04:38,440 -- I'm hearing that word a lot today. 111 00:04:38,480 --> 00:04:40,000 -- We were wondering, Stephen, 112 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:44,120 would you guys be able to host our pub quiz tomorrow night? 113 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:45,760 -- Quiz? -- It's a rollover. 114 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:47,440 The jackpot's up to £800, 115 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,240 so all the regulars are keen for it to go ahead. 116 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:53,000 You guys could even put a team together. 117 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:54,520 -- A pub quiz? 118 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,880 -- Ah, a pub quiz. 119 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,120 -- A pub quiz? Oh. 120 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:04,480 -- But I'm thinking maybe this is the demon I can actually face. 121 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:05,600 The dreaded pub quiz. 122 00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:08,040 I think I might be able to exorcise this demon. 123 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,040 -- Are we talking about an actual exorcism here? 124 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,080 Because I could definitely get us mate's rates. 125 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,960 -- One of the last things that Laurie did before he went 126 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,120 into the hospice was organise a pub quiz. 127 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:19,320 The jackpot question was about law. 128 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,280 Stephen buzzed prematurely. 129 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:23,880 -- My finger slipped. I, I panicked. 130 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:26,400 -- He got the answer wrong, so the other team automatically won. 131 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:27,800 Who were they again? 132 00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:30,560 -- The Brights. The fucking Brights is who they were. 133 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:34,160 -- Laurie thought Stephen ought to have known the answer 134 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,960 because of all his legal training that Laurie paid for. 135 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,400 -- Not in America. It was a question about the US legal system. 136 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,840 -- Anyway, it all got a bit, uh, drastic. 137 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:46,240 -- Dad got angry, never forgave me, and then he died. 138 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,560 Classic. 139 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,640 -- Hi. -- Hey. You again. 140 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,400 -- Ah, it's nice to check in, even though 141 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:53,960 obviously I live independently now. 142 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,520 -- It's great. We love it. 143 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,560 Uh, you did check in this morning. 144 00:05:57,600 --> 00:06:00,360 -- I know, but I just had a brilliant History of Art sesh. 145 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:02,880 We're looking at a late Rembrandt, The Two Moors. 146 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,960 That was the old word for what we would now call African Americans. 147 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,400 -- Did they have Americans then? 148 00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:10,640 -- No. I mean, uh, Dutch Americans. 149 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:11,880 No, African...Dutchmen? 150 00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,960 -- I think just Africans. 151 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,800 -- Right. Anyway, the wonderful thing is, is that Rembrandt paints them 152 00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:19,680 as if they were just normal people. 153 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,200 Which they were. Are. Which they are and were. 154 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:23,880 But Rembrandt wouldn't have thought so. 155 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:26,520 That's my point. Except that he did. But he shouldn't have. 156 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,080 -- Shouldn't he? -- No. 157 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,280 Yes, he should, and he did, and that's my point, 158 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,880 and that's why it's my favourite. 159 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,760 Anyway, what's everyone else's news? 160 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,640 -- If I put a pub quiz team together, Cass, 161 00:06:37,680 --> 00:06:39,240 would you want to be part of it? 162 00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,800 -- You? Even after you..? 163 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:43,280 -- I know, but I've decided to clamber unsteadily 164 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,520 back onto that horse. 165 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,600 -- I might put my own team together. 166 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,600 My housemates. The gang. 167 00:06:49,640 --> 00:06:51,000 -- Fair enough. How about you, Mum? 168 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,880 -- Oh, well, I will if you like, love, but I don't really know anything. 169 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:55,400 -- No, that's true. 170 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,240 Julian? How's your trivia knowledge? 171 00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,080 -- Well, I'm no Professor Branestawm, 172 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,440 but what knowledge I do have is far from trivial. 173 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:04,800 It's the sure and certain knowledge that... 174 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,680 -- Jesus is magic. I know. 175 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,680 Never mind. That rarely comes up. 176 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,800 -- LAUGHTER 177 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:34,640 Then above that, we have the Great Bear. 178 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:36,200 Ursa Major. 179 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:39,240 -- Mum, what on earth do you think you're do... Dad! 180 00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:40,600 -- Hey, pull up a pew. 181 00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:43,480 Andrew's teaching me all about the stars. 182 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:44,520 -- What about the stars? 183 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,360 There's fucking loads of the bastards, what else do you need to know? 184 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:51,800 -- Well, what they're called, you know. What consellations they're in. 185 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:53,840 Co... Constellations, I mean. 186 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,480 -- What does Andrew know about that? 187 00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:57,400 -- Oh, my word, everything. 188 00:07:57,440 --> 00:08:00,000 He used to be an astronomer, didn't you know? 189 00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,760 -- Not really. I dabbled. 190 00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:04,160 Very junior position over at Goonhilly Down, 191 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,320 towards the end of the '90s. 192 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,600 -- Dad, do you really think you ought to be out in the garden 193 00:08:08,640 --> 00:08:11,920 in the middle of the night? --Oh, I'm fine. Fit as a flea. 194 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:15,200 It turns out, I've got a better resting heart rate than Andrew here. 195 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:19,600 -- I gave Phil a quick, not medical exactly, but checked a few vitals. 196 00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:22,120 You know. I thought it'd be irresponsible not to 197 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,840 if we were going to be sat out. 198 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,200 -- Oh, isn't he lovely? 199 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:29,440 I think he must be the only chap I've ever met who's pure goodness. 200 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:32,560 No, I tell a lie, I did once bump into Tony Hart. 201 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,960 -- That's his whole thing though. 202 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,160 When you just say it out loud to people... 203 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,680 -- Archiving old photographs, stargazing. 204 00:08:42,720 --> 00:08:44,720 -- Right, it sounds perfectly normal. 205 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:46,480 And nice. 206 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:48,200 -- Maybe it is normal and nice. 207 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,040 -- Do you believe that? 208 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,240 -- No. 209 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,280 -- This is new. 210 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,600 I thought it was just me he wanted to inject his venom into. 211 00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,960 -- Maybe he's expanding his client list. 212 00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,600 Maybe he sees me as part of you because we used to be married. 213 00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:03,000 -- Happily married. 214 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,080 That shouldn't be how it works though. 215 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,680 Batman has other villains. 216 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,960 Joker doesn't have other Batmen. 217 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,200 -- Did you just instinctively pluralise Batman? 218 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:13,160 -- I'm not a savage. 219 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,840 So, Geoff, you're in for the quiz, right? 220 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:24,400 -- Sure. I'm good on popular culture, up until about 1998. 221 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,320 Or 2002 even. 222 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,240 When was Chris Tarrant around? Then. 223 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,640 I'm good at that. 224 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,840 -- Right. We need a bit more heft if we're going to beat the Brights. 225 00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:34,920 -- Sorry, who are the Brights? --Oh, they're the worst. 226 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,160 They're sort of pub quiz asset strippers. 227 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:39,120 Like that gang in the Wild West that went around 228 00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:40,800 stealing everyone's money. 229 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,000 -- The James Gang? -- See, I don't know. 230 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,200 But the Brights would. 231 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,720 I don't know what I'm talking about, 232 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:47,840 but they'd know exactly what I was talking about. 233 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:51,560 -- They've got one of those creepy kids who can recite pi for days. 234 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,720 -- And a triple Mastermind semifinalist, 235 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,280 which is more impressive than it sounds. 236 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:57,560 And it sounds impressive. 237 00:09:57,600 --> 00:10:01,200 -- Oh, her? Mary? Yes, she's class, she really is. 238 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:04,560 She could've been on Eggheads, but it's who you know with that crowd. 239 00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:08,160 -- Anyway, as soon as there's a decent prize anywhere west of Reading, 240 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:12,160 they swoop in like brainy locusts and hoover it up. 241 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:13,640 Basically, they're my nemeses. 242 00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,400 -- I thought Andrew was your nemesis? 243 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:17,320 -- Well, he's one of them, and they're another. 244 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,800 -- You can't have more than one nemesis. -- You can have as many as you like. Look at Batma -- n. 245 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:25,280 -- He's got the Joker, the cat lady, Danny De Vito, 246 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,440 one that's like the Joker but green. 247 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:29,680 I should know these, they might come up. 248 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,080 -- Could Andrew join you maybe? Oh, he's very clever. 249 00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:34,960 -- Oh, yes. Razor-sharp mind. 250 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,440 Sagacious, forensic, galaxy brain. 251 00:10:38,480 --> 00:10:40,480 -- He could help you beat the Brights, Stephen. 252 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,160 He could defeat your demons. 253 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,960 In this situation, I think Andrew might be the Exorcist. 254 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,560 -- This needs to be an efficient, focused strike, like Hatton Garden. 255 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,320 In, do the business, out. 256 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,920 Wallop, cushty. 257 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,560 -- Didn't they all go to prison? 258 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:16,440 -- I know how much this means to you, Stephen. 259 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,080 To your mental wellbeing. 260 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,240 -- I'm sure you do. 261 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,800 -- So let's get your thinking heads on and win this. 262 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,120 -- Just wanted to wish everyone good luck. 263 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:27,400 It doesn't matter if you fail, you can't know everything. 264 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:31,080 And sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before things begin to 265 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:32,120 look up. 266 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:33,440 -- Is this a pep talk? 267 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,920 -- It was meant to be, but I should have rehearsed it. 268 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,400 Ooh. 269 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,320 -- Don't think I've been in a pub since the split with Becca. 270 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:44,280 -- We can leave whenever you like. --Thanks. 271 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:47,640 I'm...I'm fine at the moment. I'm feeling supported. -- Mm. 272 00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:49,440 -- Feeling pretty safe, actually. 273 00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,920 -- What's your specialist subject, quiz-wise? 274 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:55,640 -- I guess, uh, serial killers? 275 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,240 -- Quiz Akabusi. Quiz Evans. 276 00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:01,920 Quiz Quizstofferson. 277 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:05,280 -- Geoff, the team name doesn't have to be a Chris-Quiz pun. 278 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:06,920 -- Of course it does. They always are. 279 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,680 It's hilarious. Oh, Quiztopher Columbus. 280 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,600 Quiz Sturrock. -- Who's Chris Sturrock again? Is he a cricketer? 281 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,640 -- No, that's thin bloke who does my silage. 282 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,760 Oh, Let's Get Quizzical. Uh, Quizzywig. 283 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:19,200 Uh, the Quizzard of Oz. 284 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,080 The...Quizzard of Quoz. 285 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:22,360 -- Geoff. 286 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:25,560 -- Look, to be clear, I am going to keep doing these until you pick one. 287 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,480 -- No, Geoff, look. 288 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:30,800 The Bright's. The fucking Bright's. 289 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,080 -- Is that Mary Ryan? Isn't she the quizzing legend? 290 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:37,840 -- We can beat them. 291 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,360 We can. Even with Mary Ryan. 292 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,640 -- Do you have a plan? 293 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:45,520 -- Well, no, I...I was just expressing it as, as a hope and a want. 294 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:49,480 -- Well, I hope and want to get one more erection before I die, 295 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,880 but it's unlikely, unless they hang me. 296 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,800 -- Don't worry. I'm going to do everything I can 297 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,320 to win this quiz, Stephen. 298 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,800 Everything. 299 00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:05,360 -- Jan, next question, if you please. 300 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:08,200 -- Mike, I thank you kindly. 301 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,520 The next question is as follows. 302 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:16,200 The smallest city in Britain is also the windiest city. 303 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,560 -- MIKE BLOWS 304 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,040 -- What is it? 305 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,680 -- I know. Give me the pen. 306 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:23,280 Give me the pen. --You'll never get the pen, Geoff. 307 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:24,680 WHISPERS: -- Chicago... 308 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,960 Chicago. -- Chicago? -- Shh! 309 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:30,400 -- You think the smallest city in Britain is Chicago? 310 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:31,840 -- What? No, it's the Windy City. 311 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,560 That's what they call it. --That's only a third of the question. 312 00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,480 -- No time for maths now, Professor Yaffle. 313 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,040 This is geography. 314 00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,680 -- And that's a very respectable half-time 315 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,000 score for the Team Tagine guys. 316 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:53,000 -- And Denser than Mensa are doing very well indeed. 317 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:58,640 But way, way out front with 24 out of 25 points, 318 00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:01,760 it's The Bright's. 319 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,480 -- Bright by name. 320 00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:04,760 -- Yes, they are. 321 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,960 -- Oh, well. We're fucked. 322 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,240 Should we call it a night? No sense humiliating ourselves. 323 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,720 -- I wonder which one they got wrong. 324 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,000 -- I can't imagine. 325 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,960 Maybe there was a question about having a girlfriend. 326 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,080 -- I think two of them are married. --And one's just a kid. 327 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,120 -- Yes, yes, all right. 328 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,520 -- And also, do you have a g...? --I said all right! 329 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:24,400 -- Yeah. 330 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:29,320 -- How old do you reckon that Bright's kid is? 331 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,680 -- Does he even have an age? 332 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:34,040 Think they grow those brainiacs in pods at Mensa. 333 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,480 -- I only ask because I hope he's not 334 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,400 too young to be doing the quiz. 335 00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,240 -- What do you mean? Accompanied kids are fine to be in pubs. 336 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:44,240 -- It's just under-16s can't take part in gambling. 337 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:48,560 And this stick-or-twist ending with money at stake, 338 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,080 does that technically make it gambling? 339 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,360 -- So we...we...we could get baby Einstein thrown out? 340 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,520 -- Don't know. 341 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:56,560 Could we? 342 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:58,520 -- Go and tell Bryony. -- No. 343 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,000 I wouldn't like to do that. It's not really on, is it? 344 00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,480 -- Why did you mention it then? 345 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:03,880 -- Just thought it was interesting. 346 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,880 -- You want me to do the dirty work? 347 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,720 -- No. I don't think anyone should do it. 348 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:09,360 I think it's great the kids get to play. 349 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:10,600 -- Are you going to stop me? 350 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,880 -- Stephen, I've made my position on this very clear. 351 00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:15,000 I can't go any further than that. 352 00:15:15,040 --> 00:15:16,160 -- Thanks. 353 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:10,000 Well, I did it. 354 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:11,440 -- Great. 355 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,000 But now I feel bad for them. 356 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,520 -- You live by the quiz rules, you die by the quiz rules. 357 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,480 -- Yeah, but they weren't really cheating. 358 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:19,240 It's just... 359 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,360 ..I think I'd like to help them. Sorry. 360 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,120 Hi, sorry, excuse me. 361 00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,680 Um, my name's Andrew and I am, 362 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,840 well, I'm from that team over there. 363 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,320 -- Oh, are you? 364 00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:40,640 -- I know, and I just wanted to say, we are so sorry. 365 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,040 He's the team captain. 366 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,160 He's just such a stickler. 367 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:46,160 -- Yeah, well it's a bit late for apologies now. 368 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,880 -- I know, I know, and that's why I thought the least I could do, 369 00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,680 if you'll have me, 370 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:55,480 is defect to your team for the second half of the quiz. 371 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,960 -- What's Andrew doing? -- He's defected. 372 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,480 He's joined the Bright's cos he knows they're going to win. 373 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:13,080 -- No. He's up to something clever. 374 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:17,000 -- "I'm going to do everything I can to win this quiz, Stephen." 375 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,120 He's a traitor. 376 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:22,320 BOTH: -- # Quiz, quiz-a, quiz, quiz, quiz-a, quiz, quiz, quizzity quiz. # 377 00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,640 -- Yeah! -- That's right, Mike. 378 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:26,440 Let's get back to the quiz. 379 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:28,240 Here's Mike. 380 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,400 -- Thanks, Jan. Question seven. 381 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:34,760 Which Italian statesman did AJP Taylor describe as the only 382 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:40,520 wholly admirable figure in modern history? 383 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,360 -- Yeah, I think... -- I already know what you're going to say, Geoff, 384 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,240 and I'd really love it if you didn't say it. 385 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,040 -- Right, but... -- It's not Mussolini. 386 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:49,080 -- He made the trains run on time. 387 00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,120 -- He didn't. And even if he did, 388 00:17:51,160 --> 00:17:53,400 that doesn't make him wholly admirable. 389 00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,160 -- I'm not saying I think that. 390 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:58,120 I'm just saying this AJ bloke might. 391 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,040 We don't know who he is, do we? 392 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,840 Maybe he's a massive Nazi. 393 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,680 I'll write that, then, shall I? --Yeah. I think so. 394 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:10,000 -- So, we're sure, are we? That it's Mussolini? 395 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,920 -- No, not really. 396 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,280 But I don't know any other Italian statesmen. 397 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,680 Do you? -- No. 398 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,200 -- Mary would know. 399 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:19,840 -- But she's not coming back. 400 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,240 -- Mary and Lee, they're the Bright's, really. 401 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,280 We're very much the, uh, backing singers. 402 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,000 -- THEY LAUGH --Right. 403 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,960 -- I don't think we've won. 404 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,400 -- Sorry I wasn't much use. 405 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:35,440 -- You were fine. 406 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:38,480 -- I really thought I'd know the picture round, but I'm not so sure. 407 00:18:38,520 --> 00:18:41,520 -- Yeah. I do think it was Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. 408 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:43,400 -- And not Harold Shipman. 409 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,000 -- Yeah. I think you're right. 410 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,760 -- The final scores please, Jan. 411 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:53,720 -- In third place, with 44 points, it's Sir Quiz Hoy. 412 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:55,280 -- APPLAUSE 413 00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:58,720 -- And in second place, with 48 points, 414 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,640 Denser than Mensa. 415 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:04,440 -- And in first place, this is very exciting, 416 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,240 we have a tie. 417 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:07,760 -- ALL: Ooh. 418 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:09,040 -- Indeed. 419 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:11,760 With 52 points each, 420 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:15,840 it's The Bright's and, coming up very strongly in the second half, 421 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,480 QuizTeam Aguilera. 422 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:19,680 -- Yeah. 423 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:20,920 -- APPLAUSE 424 00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,640 -- Would the team captains join us up here, please? 425 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,600 -- Good luck, Stephen. --Don't stuff it up this time. 426 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:32,760 -- What do you think? Do you want to do it or, shall I? 427 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:35,680 -- It's fine to fail. 428 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,520 -- Shall we toss for it? --It's OK, guys. I've got this. 429 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,800 -- Your buzzers, gentlemen. 430 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,200 -- Use them wisely. 431 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:57,200 -- It's time for the tie-break jackpot question. 432 00:19:58,320 --> 00:19:59,840 -- Ooh. 433 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,320 -- OK, so first to buzz gets to answer. 434 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:06,560 But if you get it wrong, the other team automatically wins. 435 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:07,760 Ready? 436 00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:09,080 -- HE CLEARS THROAT 437 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:10,240 Yes, OK. 438 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,440 Ready. -- Ready. 439 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,680 -- OK. £850 up for grabs, 440 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,880 and it's an astronomy question. 441 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,160 So, here we go. 442 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:25,520 By what name is the star Sirius 443 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,440 more commonly known? 444 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,560 -- Either of you? Sirius? 445 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,680 -- Don't you know, Stephen? 446 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,040 -- Yes, I know. 447 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,440 I absolutely know. 100%. 448 00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,120 Do you? -- Of course. 449 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,520 So why aren't you buzzing? --Why aren't you? 450 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:48,480 -- I know how much this means to you. 451 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,920 -- I can live with you getting in first, 452 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,800 but I couldn't bear to buzz 453 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:56,840 and get it wrong and give victory to you and the fucking Bright's. 454 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,360 -- But you do know the answer, don't you? 455 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,800 -- I am as certain of it as I am of my own name. 456 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,040 -- We're going to have to hurry you, aren't we, Mike? 457 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:08,840 -- Hurry up. -- See? It's got to be worth a guess. 458 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:25,280 -- BUZZER RINGS 459 00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:28,520 -- The answer is, of course... 460 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,600 ..the Pole Star. 461 00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:34,480 -- ALL: -- Aww. 462 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:36,880 -- No, it's not. 463 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,400 -- I'm afraid that's the wrong answer, Andrew. 464 00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,560 Bad luck. -- That's right. It's wrong. 465 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:46,720 -- And so tonight's worthy winners are Stephen Nichols 466 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,480 and QuizTeam Aguilera. 467 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,200 -- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 468 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:56,280 -- The correct answer was, of course... --Dog Star. 469 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,640 Sirius is the Dog Star. -- Correct. 470 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,200 Yeah. What were you playing at, laughing boy? 471 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:05,440 What was the big idea? 472 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,840 -- I can't believe you didn't get the answer to that question. 473 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:10,720 Even I basically knew that one, more or less. 474 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,000 -- Not my night, hey? 475 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:14,400 -- Not your night. My night. 476 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:16,640 -- Didn't you tell my dad you worked as an astronomer? 477 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,000 -- I didn't say astronomer. 478 00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:20,360 -- I think you did. You said exactly that. 479 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:23,200 And yet you thought Sirius was the Pole Star? 480 00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:25,200 -- You took a dive. 481 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:28,400 -- So Stephen could exorcise his quiz demons. 482 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:31,280 -- What a guy. -- No, he didn't. He just didn't know. 483 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:32,640 Andrew, tell them. 484 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:34,520 Tell them you genuinely didn't know. 485 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,960 -- Stephen's absolutely right. 486 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,800 I just had one of those weird blanks. 487 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:43,600 Couldn't for the life of me remember the name of Sirius. 488 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:45,200 -- THEY LAUGH 489 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:48,160 -- I wasn't expecting that. 490 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,440 -- Well done, mate. 491 00:22:49,480 --> 00:22:52,040 You won fair and square. 492 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,200 Hope it helped. 493 00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:01,920 -- # Everyone's a winner, baby, that's the truth 494 00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:02,960 -- # That's the truth 495 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:06,560 -- # Making love to you is such a thrill 496 00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:11,240 # Everyone's a winner, baby, that's no lie 497 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,640 -- # That's no lie 498 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:16,280 -- # You never fail to satisfy 499 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:18,960 -- # Satisfy... # 500 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,000 -- Subtitles by Red Bee Media