1 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:07,560 -- Thank you so much. --It was nothing, Phil. My pleasure. 2 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:09,800 -- I don't know how we would've managed all this without you. 3 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,360 -- Like I say ad infinitum these days, 4 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,320 I just want to try and help. 5 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,200 "Change the bloody record, Andrew!" 6 00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:19,120 -- No, no, don't ever change the record. You're a wonder. 7 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:20,920 -- Like the son we never had. 8 00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,640 Not that we ever wished Alison had been a boy. 9 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:25,760 -- Well, we did a bit. -- Now, come on. 10 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,000 -- We thought, when Alison married Stephen, 11 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,720 he might be the son we never had. 12 00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:32,360 -- But he wasn't really son-we-never-had material. 13 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,640 Handshake like a Victorian doll. 14 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,480 Not like you, bloody Action Man. 15 00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,040 -- Not to be impolite, but he's a cack-handed Herbert. 16 00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,680 -- You know, I feel I ought to stand up for Stephen. And Alison. 17 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:47,120 They're both fine, caring people, and Alison loves you very much. 18 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,000 -- Aw. That's just the kind of goodness 19 00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:51,200 we've always come to expect from you. -- Yes. 20 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:53,000 We've never been happier. -- No. 21 00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,760 -- And that's down to you. 22 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,640 You've given us a jolly good shake. 23 00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,960 -- Awoken us from a troubled dream. --Yeah. 24 00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,800 -- I'm truly humbled, guys, but I didn't do this. 25 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:05,520 You did this. -- Aw. --This is your decision. 26 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:12,720 -- We should call Alison. 27 00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,640 -- You probably should, yes. 28 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,080 ON RADIO: -- And we'll have Tim with the traffic update after this. 29 00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:31,120 -- DANCE MUSIC PLAYS 30 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,760 BIRDSONG 31 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,960 Oh, ooh. 32 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,000 -- Woo! 33 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,120 -- BANGING ON DOOR 34 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,760 -- Geoff. -- Geoff. -- What's up, mate? 35 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,160 -- He's fucked me! 36 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,600 My husband has fucked me! 37 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,520 -- Luca? -- No, I never want to hear that name again. 38 00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:18,960 -- Consider him redacted, Geoff. 39 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,360 -- When you say he's fucked you... --Fucked me over, I mean. 40 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,320 Over in the fucking clover. 41 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:27,400 He's straight, I'm straight, but he's straight-up fucked me. 42 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:28,960 One of everything, Mike. 43 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,760 I'm going to drink like it's a job 44 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,520 and not stop till I piss blood. 45 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,400 -- So what happened, Geoff? With...Man X. 46 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,840 -- He's stolen my savings 47 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:42,960 and online auctioned all my farm machinery. 48 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,320 He got grants to re-green my land 49 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,960 and then bought himself a fucking Audi! 50 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,400 I married him so he could stay in this country. 51 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:58,240 Turns out, he's already got settled status. 52 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:00,080 SHE GASPS, GEOFF GULPS 53 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:03,320 He's made a sham of our fake marriage! 54 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,200 -- And you didn't even suspect what he was up to? 55 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,880 -- I trust too much. 56 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:10,880 I'm too fucking nice is my problem. 57 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:12,200 -- Yeah. 58 00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:13,520 -- Yeah, way too nice. 59 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,760 -- I need to drink to forget, and then, when I've forgotten, 60 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,040 I need to drink till I remember again. 61 00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,320 And then drink till I forget 62 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:24,600 why I'm remembering to drink to forget. 63 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,240 -- That'll be £57.60, Geoff. 64 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,400 I'll set up a tab. 65 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,360 -- MEOWING 66 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,560 Hi, yes, you-you asked me to... 67 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,800 No, I'm really not happy to be popped on hold again for... 68 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,480 CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE 69 00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,920 I'm on hold. --Do you have to do this now? 70 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,280 -- I was on hold for over an hour, and then it suddenly disconnected. 71 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,520 Now it's taken me 35 minutes to get to a human being. 72 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,600 I'm on the cusp of sorting out my unusual card activity. 73 00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,160 I can't hang up. 74 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,040 -- Could you turn your music down? 75 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:02,680 -- It's not music. 76 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,160 I mean, it is music, but it's hold music. 77 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,680 Vivaldi now. 78 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,800 It was Zoom by Fat Larry's Band a while ago. 79 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:13,960 -- Whatever it is, could you turn it down? My cat's distressed. 80 00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,320 -- Well, my dog's about to be executed, so, you know... 81 00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,040 -- Don't say that in front of Maureen! 82 00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,800 -- Sorry. 83 00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:22,000 Sorry, Maureen. DOG WHIMPERS 84 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,440 She's had a good life. 85 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,560 -- No, she hasn't. 86 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,400 She's had a grim life of misery and illness. 87 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:28,880 -- Sure. 88 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,200 But you've given her the best life she could've had. 89 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,160 What was it that Alfred Lord Tennyson said? 90 00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,040 Hiya! Hi there. 91 00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,560 Yes, happy to go through my transactions. 92 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,880 Yes, I will have got something online at Boots. 93 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,120 I do that a lot. 94 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:48,040 Was it 3.99? Yes, I know what that is. 95 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,000 -- She's feeling very warm. 96 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,720 -- That'll be the pink blanket. 97 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,880 No, I haven't bought a pink blanket. 98 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,320 My doomed dog is in one. 99 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:59,600 No, no, I'm saying there's no blanket of any colour. 100 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,040 No... No! MUSIC PLAYS, HE SIGHS 101 00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:03,960 She's popped me on hold. 102 00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:06,720 MEOWING 103 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:07,880 Sorry, everyone. 104 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:13,320 -- His Facebook profile's gone. He doesn't exist. 105 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:17,280 -- He'll have gone dark, Geoff. Rogue. Fake ID. 106 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:18,560 Maybe a bit of cosmetic. 107 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,920 -- Oh, no, here it is. And his Insta. 108 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,880 But he's not been on there for days. 109 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,440 You remember my late Lily's necklace? 110 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,680 The one I bought her for our tenth anniversary? 111 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,440 -- Oh, Geoff. No. 112 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,000 -- I pawned that a couple of months, ago for betting money 113 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,640 and Luca's nicked the cash. 114 00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,120 He's a monster. 115 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:37,920 -- You should go to the police, Geoff. 116 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,320 -- I married him illegally. 117 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:40,960 They'll prosecute me. 118 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,160 Plus, I don't want coppers on my land. 119 00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,760 The barn's a deathtrap 120 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,320 and I've got a couple of skunk plants in my polytunnel. 121 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:48,600 -- I heard about Luca. 122 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,640 I suppose I should confess now. 123 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,120 We were seeing each other. 124 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,720 Luca and I. Me and Luca. 125 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,560 -- Seeing each other? -- Yes. 126 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,400 More specifically, seeing each other in the nude. 127 00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:03,600 -- My own niece slept with my husband? 128 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,960 That's incest! -- I'm sorry. 129 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,880 We couldn't help ourselves. 130 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,280 Well, we could, but we didn't want to. 131 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,040 -- Oh, well. 132 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,720 It's a lesson learned. 133 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,040 Never trust anyone. 134 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,640 Don't keep cash in an old tea caddy. 135 00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,440 Don't marry men for visa reasons. 136 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:25,760 Use a stronger password for online banking. 137 00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,320 A number of lessons, in actual fact. 138 00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,520 -- SHE SNIFFLES There's a good girl. 139 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:46,720 -- It'll be very swift. 140 00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,600 She won't feel a thing. 141 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,200 -- OK. 142 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,840 -- She's been suffering a lot. 143 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,040 You're making exactly the right decision. 144 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,480 -- Thank you. 145 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,400 That's very comforting to hear. 146 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,160 There. 147 00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:02,880 Goodbye, Maureen. 148 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:04,280 -- Hi. 149 00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,400 No... 150 00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:11,360 No, I haven't bought a meal deal from Gordano services. 151 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,120 Or any petrol, no. 152 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:23,760 Yes, I did rent the film Herbie Goes Bananas from Sky. 153 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:31,720 -- Well? 154 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:33,640 -- Massive congratulations! 155 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,040 Who doesn't love a wedding? 156 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,320 Joyful news. -- It's weird. 157 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:41,200 But great! But weird. 158 00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,240 -- If I objected, would it make any difference? 159 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,960 -- Not really. -- Terrific. 160 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,440 -- We would love to have your blessing, though. 161 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,400 -- Dad hasn't been dead very long. 162 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:50,760 -- It's been nine months. 163 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,080 -- A lot can happen in nine months. 164 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,360 -- Look, I don't want to seem old-fashioned... -- Then don't. 165 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,760 It's not the olden days, Stephen. It's nowadays! 166 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:02,080 -- And soon it'll be the future. --Exactly. -- What does that mean? 167 00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,440 -- Why delay happiness when it's right in front of you? 168 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:07,160 Ellen, Mum... -- Aw. --..deserves to be happy, 169 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,400 more than anyone. 170 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,000 And Julian can make her happy. 171 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,320 I know you can. 172 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,120 Thank you, Andrew. --Who cares what you think? -- I do. 173 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,520 That's why I asked him here. 174 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:18,280 Andrew is like a son to me. 175 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:19,920 -- He's not your son. 176 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,960 -- It's true. I'm not. 177 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,800 I'm no-one's son. 178 00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,600 And I've learned to be OK with that. 179 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,560 -- Why are people so obsessed with change? 180 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,440 Just leave things as they are for five fucking minutes. 181 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:41,200 -- Ellen and Julian are quite simply moving on with their lives. 182 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,240 -- That's precisely what I don't like about it. 183 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,560 -- I can see your point, Stephen, 184 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,120 but also you have had the same haircut since you were eight. 185 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,720 -- It works. --Well, I'm off to the Barleycorn. 186 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,360 Raise a glass to the happy couple. Welcome to come. 187 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,080 -- You knew about this, didn't you? About the wedding? 188 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:58,320 -- Did I? -- Did you? -- Did I? -- Fuck off. 189 00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:01,640 Why are you so calm about this? The family's breaking up. 190 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,760 The precious family that you've so charmingly infiltrated. 191 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,200 -- I've embraced change, Stephen. 192 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:11,640 I've had to. And things usually work out for me in the end. 193 00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:14,120 Drink? -- Yes, please. --Stick it up your arse. 194 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,880 -- God, the shit you accumulate. 195 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,720 -- What? -- Oh. 196 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:38,080 Photos of that holiday in Corfu. --Aw. -- Ooh... 197 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,040 Want them? -- Chuck them. --DOOR CLOSES 198 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,320 -- Oh, love. We've been trying to call you. 199 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,520 -- My phone was off. 200 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,120 Maureen was being put to sleep. 201 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:49,000 -- Oh. -- Oh, Al. I'm-I'm so sorry. 202 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,480 -- Why didn't you leave a message? --Um... -- Oh. 203 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:56,160 -- Um, the message we have is not really a message sort of message. 204 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,480 -- What's going on? The house is on the market. 205 00:09:58,520 --> 00:09:59,840 Where are you going? 206 00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,560 -- I'm-I'm going to be staying locally, 207 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,520 so not really going anywhere. 208 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:05,320 -- But I am. 209 00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:09,360 -- What? --Dad and I...are getting a divorce. 210 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,840 -- Oh, I expect it's come as a bit of a shock. 211 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,240 -- You're happy together. 212 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,720 -- Well, we thought we were. 213 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,640 But it turns out, we're not. 214 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,280 -- It's the little things that build up. -- Yes. 215 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,720 -- I've always wanted to experience Dresden. 216 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,120 -- Oh, I couldn't give two shits. 217 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,240 -- But this is ridiculous. 218 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,880 You love each other. You've been together forever. 219 00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,560 I mean, everyone says what a perfect couple you are. 220 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,400 You're not single people. You're a unit. 221 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:36,720 -- Andrew said you might react like this. -- Mm. -- Andrew? 222 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,040 -- He's ignited something in us both. 223 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,920 -- Suddenly everything makes sense. --Mm. -- We were just pootling along, 224 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,120 both wanting things we weren't able to have, 225 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,960 but too polite to say anything. 226 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,240 -- And now we're so excited about our new lives. -- Yeah. 227 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:51,680 -- Everything feels fresh. 228 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,280 -- He told me I had a waist. 229 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,560 -- And he understands how desperately I want to go on cruises 230 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:00,120 and visit every country in the world and eat spicy food. 231 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,720 -- Sorry, I-I just... I can't. --Your mum will stay here. 232 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,360 -- I want to go out to work. 233 00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,160 And Andrew suggested... --Could you stop saying Andrew? 234 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,760 -- Oh. -- He predicted this entire reaction. 235 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,360 -- Well, he's a smart guy. 236 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,720 Canny fellow. 237 00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,680 -- Is that Kew Gardens? -- Oh, yes. 238 00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,480 Um, Andrew took us there. 239 00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,320 I don't think we've laughed as much in 40 years. -- No. 240 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,600 -- But we always go there together. As a unit. 241 00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,440 -- Well, I know, but we did ask you. --You're always so busy. 242 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,080 And so when Andrew suggested it... --When Andrew... -- Just stop. 243 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,360 Can't believe Mum's getting married? 244 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,960 -- I can't believe Mum's getting divorced. 245 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,520 -- Which is worse? 246 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,240 -- Divorce, you prick. 247 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:45,920 Divorce is worse than marriage. 248 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,880 -- Although, sometimes when people divorce, 249 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,480 they actually become closer than when they were married. 250 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,360 A lot like us. 251 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:55,880 -- Mum said Andrew was like the son she never had. 252 00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,280 -- So did my mum. 253 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,960 -- He told her she had a waist. 254 00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,320 Andrew told my mum she had a waist. 255 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,200 -- Why does he get points for that? 256 00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,280 Did he also tell her she has feet? 257 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:08,120 -- And he indulged Dad's lurid Michael Palin fantasies. 258 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,640 To travel. 259 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,680 Dad wants to be Phileas Fogg. 260 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,920 Take the gap year he never had 261 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,080 and roam the globe like some nutty old tramp. 262 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,640 I mean, it doesn't make sense. 263 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,440 -- It does. 264 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,480 He's replacing my mum with your mum. 265 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,360 He knows my mum's going to Tring, 266 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,240 so he's getting your dad out of the picture so he can have a mum. 267 00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,560 -- He never had a mum, so he steals other people's. 268 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,440 He's a mother collector. 269 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,120 -- He's on a mum safari. 270 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,800 -- Well, he's not adding my mother to his trophy collection. 271 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,120 Andrew has bitten off more than he can chew 272 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,640 and it's going to choke him. 273 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,360 And if it doesn't choke him, I'll set fire to his balls. 274 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:50,840 -- Wow. OK. 275 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,520 That, that honestly took a turn I wasn't expecting. 276 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,800 -- Yeah, that makes total sense for Stephen to give you away. 277 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,040 Only. -- Only? 278 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:08,200 -- Well, he is quite hostile to Julian, and maybe, 279 00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,640 I mean, stop me if this is crackers, but would it maybe 280 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:16,240 be an olive branch, Julian, if you asked him to be your best man? 281 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,720 -- Possibly. 282 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,120 Uh, I would prefer a very quiet stag night. 283 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,760 -- But who would walk me down the aisle? 284 00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,400 Ooh. Andrew. 285 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,200 I don't suppose you would? 286 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,960 -- Me? Oh, no, no, no, no. 287 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,200 I'm...I'm not family. 288 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,600 -- Oh, but you are. 289 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:33,640 -- I've got news. 290 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,640 I am with child. Pregnant. 291 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:38,800 By my uncle. 292 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:40,240 -- ALL THREE: -- Geoff? 293 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:41,680 -- No, Luca. 294 00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,360 He's the father of my unborn baby. 295 00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,320 And when it's born, my born baby. 296 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,080 -- Are you absolutely sure? 297 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:48,600 -- Yes, I've done a test. 298 00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,360 It was negative, but a mother knows. 299 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,120 -- But aren't those tests 99% accurate? 300 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,040 -- Well, I'm in the 1%. 301 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,120 I mean, look at me. I'm glowing, my bosoms are surging. 302 00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,400 I can feel them. 303 00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:00,680 -- Lovely. 304 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,680 -- You're going to be a grandmother, Mum. 305 00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:07,080 Julian, a step something once removed, or something? Grandfather. 306 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,560 Andrew, you're going to be a foster-uncle. 307 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,480 Buongiorno, Bambino. 308 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,440 That's "Hello, baby" in Italian. 309 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,000 He's bilingual. 310 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:18,760 -- What about your university plans? 311 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,160 -- I'm going to get a routine. 312 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,120 Essay, feeding, nappy, lecture. 313 00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,200 Then sometimes the baby will be asleep, 314 00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,040 or staring up at a mobile and smiling, like in adverts. 315 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,120 And my uni mates can help raise it like in indigenous tribes, 316 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,720 or the Occupy Movement. 317 00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,120 -- Right. 318 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:36,040 -- But maybe breast-feeding in a lecture wouldn't really work. 319 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,800 How do you write notes? 320 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:41,080 Record them. But you might just hear suckling, rather than the lecturer 321 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,080 and I'll probably get that sore nipple thing. 322 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:44,240 Mad ankles. 323 00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,640 Actually, having thought about it quite deeply, 324 00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,920 I think I'm probably not pregnant. Those tests are 99% accurate. 325 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,320 -- Are they? -- Hm. 326 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,440 -- Right. 327 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,360 -- I must have left my wallet on the table when I went to the loo. 328 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,880 -- Luca will have had it. 329 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,400 Cloned the card. 330 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,320 That was him having a meal deal at Gordano services. 331 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,640 -- Why go for a deal, if it's not your money? 332 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,480 He could've had any sandwich there. 333 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,760 -- Yeah, but sometimes the meal deal sandwiches are the best ones, so 334 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,760 you find yourself tied into a deal without really thinking about it. 335 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,360 -- Well, thanks for lending me the money to pay for Maureen. 336 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,320 -- There's a secret account Luca didn't know about. 337 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,160 Money from that compensation I got 338 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:29,560 when I pretended to have whiplash and hear voices. 339 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,120 -- How are you feeling? 340 00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,640 -- I suppose I feel like I've actually got whiplash from Luca running off. 341 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,040 Bruised, sore, and don't want to look behind me. 342 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,840 I'm going to have to sell the farm, I think. 343 00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,520 -- Really? -- Yeah. 344 00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,720 Still, everyone's moving on. 345 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,440 Your mum's getting married 346 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,280 and going to Tring, Cass'll end up at university. 347 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,520 Not much to stay here for. 348 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,960 -- I'm still here, Geoff. --Oh, no, obviously. 349 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,400 That's a given. I mean, you're a fixture. 350 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,160 Screwed to the floor like a table in a 70's Butlins. 351 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,040 -- Hi, erm, I'm here to pick up some ashes. 352 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:09,440 -- Name? 353 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,360 -- Maureen. -- Surname? 354 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,080 -- Oh, you...you meant my name. 355 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,720 -- Yes. -- Did you really think I was called Maureen? 356 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,120 -- I don't judge. 357 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:18,800 -- My name is Stephen Nicholls. 358 00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,560 The late dog is Maureen. 359 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:26,680 -- That will be £120 for the procedure and £159 for the cremation. 360 00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,800 -- Jesus. -- And the urn will be £66. 361 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,400 -- Can I get a cheaper urn? 362 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,280 -- No. Oh. 363 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,240 The vet's put a note on Maureen's postmortem report, 364 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,560 saying there was small traces of rat poison in her system. 365 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,520 -- Oh. OK. 366 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,400 -- Dogs will eat anything. 367 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,360 We had a dog in here last week that ate her foot. 368 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,480 I'll go fetch that urn. 369 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,720 -- Don't come too close. Rat traps. 370 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,800 -- What the fuck have you done to my parents? 371 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,200 -- Oh, you've seen them? 372 00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:03,640 -- And we spoke on the phone just now. 373 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,200 They said you told them they shouldn't have any regrets. 374 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,600 -- And they shouldn't. 375 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:11,040 -- My dad wants to go to Micronesia and just stop shaving. 376 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:14,240 He says he feels neutered and he's fed up with semi-skimmed milk 377 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,640 and he wants to watch a John Wick movie at the IMAX. 378 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,360 -- And Wendy has felt trapped and diminished for years. 379 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,480 They weren't happy, and now they're very happy. 380 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:22,720 -- They were happy. 381 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:25,440 They just didn't show it because they both went to a grammar school. 382 00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:27,080 -- Look, this was always going to happen. 383 00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,600 You can't put a cork in a volcano. 384 00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,880 I just helped them give voice to their feelings. 385 00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,520 I've been a facilitator. 386 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,800 But they've workshopped their own future. 387 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,920 -- You took them to Kew fucking Gardens. 388 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,320 -- Only because you couldn't. 389 00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,160 They asked, but you were, understandably, so busy. 390 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,040 Look, Alison, we both want the same things for them, right? 391 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,920 Happiness, fulfilment, independence. 392 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,440 -- My mum is not your mum. 393 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:48,680 -- Yes, I'm aware of that. 394 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,360 The last time I saw my mum, 395 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,360 I was ten and about to be taken back into care. 396 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,600 Look, I'm just trying to help your mum out. 397 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,040 That's all. --You've underestimated me, Andrew. 398 00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,040 -- Oh, I could never underestimate you, Alison. 399 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,200 You're the smartest person around here. 400 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,320 -- I am. 401 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:06,600 I mean, I don't want to be arrogant, but I am very clever. 402 00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:07,840 And I'm onto you. 403 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,080 My mum tells me she's got a job. 404 00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,720 Do you know where she's going to be working? -- Yeah. 405 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:16,880 Here. 406 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,960 -- And when she says she'll be staying locally? 407 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,160 -- There's a room at the Barleycorn, if she needs it. 408 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,480 Or she might decide on a little flat in town. 409 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,840 Like I say, it's all her decision. 410 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:33,880 -- Oh, of course he poisoned Maureen. 411 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,760 -- The Barleycorn traps have always been snap traps. 412 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,080 There's a lot of local cats and there's never, 413 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,960 ever been any poison put down, but do you think that...? 414 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,280 -- Aw, come on. 415 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,640 How much of a coincidence is it that Maureen has rat poison in her, 416 00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,320 and then I see Andrew laying rat traps? 417 00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,200 -- Do we think Andrew would deliberately kill a dog? 418 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,560 -- We do. 419 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:57,480 He would kill a dog and fuck a cat and eat a rat, 420 00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,520 all before Homes Under the Hammer started. 421 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:00,960 I mean, poor Maureen, 422 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,480 she never stood a chance against that sick fucker. 423 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,560 -- But why? --Because he set his sights on me. 424 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,760 He is destroying everything I love. 425 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,800 My mum, working as a barmaid. 426 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,960 I mean, I don't want to sound like a snob, but fuck it all to hell. 427 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,080 -- Well, with my mum off to pastures, 428 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,920 Tring with the Reverend Hot pants, 429 00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,640 there's a Mum-shaped hole at the pub. 430 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,040 This actually feels weirdly good. 431 00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:27,840 That finally someone else truly and fully sees what Andrew's capable of. 432 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:29,520 -- Oh, I can see it, all right. 433 00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,640 -- Up to now, I've...I've felt like the boy in the fairy tale who can 434 00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,200 see that the emperor's naked 435 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,760 and he's whacking people in the eyes with his cock. 436 00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,560 -- Let's kill him, 437 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,760 bury his head at Land's End and his body at John o'Groats. 438 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,040 What do you think? Hire a hit man? 439 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:47,880 -- Um... 440 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,640 -- Or, or we could fake an accident. 441 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:54,000 Too much to drink, handbrake off, over a cliff. 442 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,440 Mm. 443 00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,640 Yeah, we should definitely murder Andrew. 444 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,360 It's what Maureen would've wanted. 445 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,120 -- Geoff, Mike and I have been talking. 446 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,720 -- About, about lots of things. 447 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,400 -- Pasties, how you can't get wellies in half sizes, 448 00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:25,120 what tombola means, why don't dad's whistle any more? 449 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,600 -- And...and about you, Geoff. 450 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,120 -- When you sell the farm, 451 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,800 we don't like to think of you having to move away. 452 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:37,400 -- So would you like to move in with us? 453 00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:38,960 We've got a spare room. 454 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,960 -- No. -- Oh. 455 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:46,680 -- That's very kind, but I sort of like the idea of getting way. 456 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:50,640 This place can cramp you, keep you down, hobble you. 457 00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,360 Just look at Stephen. 458 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,120 -- Yeah. -- Tragic. 459 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,480 -- And you guys. 460 00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:57,960 I know. 461 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:00,480 -- Yeah. 462 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:01,600 Fucking hell. 463 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,560 -- We can do it. Kill him. 464 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,200 I mean, who would care? He doesn't have anyone. 465 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,400 -- He has our mum's. They love him. 466 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,160 -- Aw, they're under his spell. 467 00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:14,400 He's like a... God, what's he like? 468 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:15,800 -- A warlock? 469 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,440 -- Warlock? No, he's not like a fucking warlock. 470 00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,920 Whatever he is, he needs to be stopped. 471 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,480 You and me. 472 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,080 Like Bonnie and Clyde. 473 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,560 -- Can I be Clyde? 474 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,640 I...I mean, in terms of the energy, you're obviously Clyde, 475 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,880 but for my own masculine pride, I... 476 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:32,400 -- Are you in this with me? 477 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,120 I need you in this with me. 478 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,560 -- I am. I bloody am. 479 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,640 Yes, let's kill the motherfucker. 480 00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:40,920 The Aye's have it. 481 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,160 I haven't done my teeth. 482 00:21:58,760 --> 00:21:59,880 -- You awake? 483 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,960 -- You know what? 484 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,640 Citalopram. 485 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,080 Sertraline. 486 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:09,880 They can go get fucked. 487 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,160 I just needed to have sex. 488 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,360 And I'm cured. 489 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:17,480 -- I found her. 490 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,400 -- Who? -- Andrew's birth mum. 491 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:22,480 I found her. 492 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:24,200 -- How? 493 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,680 -- Got access to databases I maybe shouldn't have access to. 494 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,000 Called in favours, offered favours. 495 00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,640 Eight hours of clicking and I think I found her. 496 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,240 -- Do...do...do you still want to kill him, Bonnie? 497 00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:38,600 -- No, Clyde. 498 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,480 Worse than killing him. 499 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,920 I want to fuck his head up completely via his mum. 500 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,400 We're not doormats any more, me and you. 501 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:49,200 We are the dirty boots on the doormat. 502 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,400 I'm going to fuck his mum and you're going to watch. 503 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:53,840 -- This is brilliant. 504 00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,760 -- Do you want more sex? -- Yes. 505 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,440 I do. 506 00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:59,320 I do want more sex. 507 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:01,320 Thank you. 508 00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:04,400 -- # Have you ever made love to a beautiful girl? 509 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:07,560 # Made you feel like it's not such a bad world 510 00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:11,320 # Hey, man, now you're really living 511 00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,320 # Now you're really giving everything 512 00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:17,160 # And you're really getting all you can 513 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,760 # Now you're really living what this life is all about. # 514 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,800 Subtitles by Red Bee Media