-- Thank you so much. --It was nothing, Phil. My pleasure.
-- I don't know how we would've managed all this without you.
-- Like I say ad infinitum these days,
I just want to try and help.
"Change the bloody record, Andrew!"
-- No, no, don't ever change the record. You're a wonder.
-- Like the son we never had.
Not that we ever wished Alison had been a boy.
-- Well, we did a bit. -- Now, come on.
-- We thought, when Alison married Stephen,
he might be the son we never had.
-- But he wasn't really son-we-never-had material.
Handshake like a Victorian doll.
Not like you, bloody Action Man.
-- Not to be impolite, but he's a cack-handed Herbert.
-- You know, I feel I ought to stand up for Stephen. And Alison.
They're both fine, caring people, and Alison loves you very much.
-- Aw. That's just the kind of goodness
we've always come to expect from you. -- Yes.
We've never been happier. -- No.
-- And that's down to you.
You've given us a jolly good shake.
-- Awoken us from a troubled dream. --Yeah.
-- I'm truly humbled, guys, but I didn't do this.
You did this. -- Aw. --This is your decision.
-- We should call Alison.
-- You probably should, yes.
ON RADIO: -- And we'll have Tim with the traffic update after this.
-- DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
BIRDSONG
Oh, ooh.
-- Woo!
-- BANGING ON DOOR
-- Geoff. -- Geoff. -- What's up, mate?
-- He's fucked me!
My husband has fucked me!
-- Luca? -- No, I never want to hear that name again.
-- Consider him redacted, Geoff.
-- When you say he's fucked you... --Fucked me over, I mean.
Over in the fucking clover.
He's straight, I'm straight, but he's straight-up fucked me.
One of everything, Mike.
I'm going to drink like it's a job
and not stop till I piss blood.
-- So what happened, Geoff? With...Man X.
-- He's stolen my savings
and online auctioned all my farm machinery.
He got grants to re-green my land
and then bought himself a fucking Audi!
I married him so he could stay in this country.
Turns out, he's already got settled status.
SHE GASPS, GEOFF GULPS
He's made a sham of our fake marriage!
-- And you didn't even suspect what he was up to?
-- I trust too much.
I'm too fucking nice is my problem.
-- Yeah.
-- Yeah, way too nice.
-- I need to drink to forget, and then, when I've forgotten,
I need to drink till I remember again.
And then drink till I forget
why I'm remembering to drink to forget.
-- That'll be £57.60, Geoff.
I'll set up a tab.
-- MEOWING
Hi, yes, you-you asked me to...
No, I'm really not happy to be popped on hold again for...
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE
I'm on hold. --Do you have to do this now?
-- I was on hold for over an hour, and then it suddenly disconnected.
Now it's taken me 35 minutes to get to a human being.
I'm on the cusp of sorting out my unusual card activity.
I can't hang up.
-- Could you turn your music down?
-- It's not music.
I mean, it is music, but it's hold music.
Vivaldi now.
It was Zoom by Fat Larry's Band a while ago.
-- Whatever it is, could you turn it down? My cat's distressed.
-- Well, my dog's about to be executed, so, you know...
-- Don't say that in front of Maureen!
-- Sorry.
Sorry, Maureen. DOG WHIMPERS
She's had a good life.
-- No, she hasn't.
She's had a grim life of misery and illness.
-- Sure.
But you've given her the best life she could've had.
What was it that Alfred Lord Tennyson said?
Hiya! Hi there.
Yes, happy to go through my transactions.
Yes, I will have got something online at Boots.
I do that a lot.
Was it 3.99? Yes, I know what that is.
-- She's feeling very warm.
-- That'll be the pink blanket.
No, I haven't bought a pink blanket.
My doomed dog is in one.
No, no, I'm saying there's no blanket of any colour.
No... No! MUSIC PLAYS, HE SIGHS
She's popped me on hold.
MEOWING
Sorry, everyone.
-- His Facebook profile's gone. He doesn't exist.
-- He'll have gone dark, Geoff. Rogue. Fake ID.
Maybe a bit of cosmetic.
-- Oh, no, here it is. And his Insta.
But he's not been on there for days.
You remember my late Lily's necklace?
The one I bought her for our tenth anniversary?
-- Oh, Geoff. No.
-- I pawned that a couple of months, ago for betting money
and Luca's nicked the cash.
He's a monster.
-- You should go to the police, Geoff.
-- I married him illegally.
They'll prosecute me.
Plus, I don't want coppers on my land.
The barn's a deathtrap
and I've got a couple of skunk plants in my polytunnel.
-- I heard about Luca.
I suppose I should confess now.
We were seeing each other.
Luca and I. Me and Luca.
-- Seeing each other? -- Yes.
More specifically, seeing each other in the nude.
-- My own niece slept with my husband?
That's incest! -- I'm sorry.
We couldn't help ourselves.
Well, we could, but we didn't want to.
-- Oh, well.
It's a lesson learned.
Never trust anyone.
Don't keep cash in an old tea caddy.
Don't marry men for visa reasons.
Use a stronger password for online banking.
A number of lessons, in actual fact.
-- SHE SNIFFLES There's a good girl.
-- It'll be very swift.
She won't feel a thing.
-- OK.
-- She's been suffering a lot.
You're making exactly the right decision.
-- Thank you.
That's very comforting to hear.
There.
Goodbye, Maureen.
-- Hi.
No...
No, I haven't bought a meal deal from Gordano services.
Or any petrol, no.
Yes, I did rent the film Herbie Goes Bananas from Sky.
-- Well?
-- Massive congratulations!
Who doesn't love a wedding?
Joyful news. -- It's weird.
But great! But weird.
-- If I objected, would it make any difference?
-- Not really. -- Terrific.
-- We would love to have your blessing, though.
-- Dad hasn't been dead very long.
-- It's been nine months.
-- A lot can happen in nine months.
-- Look, I don't want to seem old-fashioned... -- Then don't.
It's not the olden days, Stephen. It's nowadays!
-- And soon it'll be the future. --Exactly. -- What does that mean?
-- Why delay happiness when it's right in front of you?
Ellen, Mum... -- Aw. --..deserves to be happy,
more than anyone.
And Julian can make her happy.
I know you can.
Thank you, Andrew. --Who cares what you think? -- I do.
That's why I asked him here.
Andrew is like a son to me.
-- He's not your son.
-- It's true. I'm not.
I'm no-one's son.
And I've learned to be OK with that.
-- Why are people so obsessed with change?
Just leave things as they are for five fucking minutes.
-- Ellen and Julian are quite simply moving on with their lives.
-- That's precisely what I don't like about it.
-- I can see your point, Stephen,
but also you have had the same haircut since you were eight.
-- It works. --Well, I'm off to the Barleycorn.
Raise a glass to the happy couple. Welcome to come.
-- You knew about this, didn't you? About the wedding?
-- Did I? -- Did you? -- Did I? -- Fuck off.
Why are you so calm about this? The family's breaking up.
The precious family that you've so charmingly infiltrated.
-- I've embraced change, Stephen.
I've had to. And things usually work out for me in the end.
Drink? -- Yes, please. --Stick it up your arse.
-- God, the shit you accumulate.
-- What? -- Oh.
Photos of that holiday in Corfu. --Aw. -- Ooh...
Want them? -- Chuck them. --DOOR CLOSES
-- Oh, love. We've been trying to call you.
-- My phone was off.
Maureen was being put to sleep.
-- Oh. -- Oh, Al. I'm-I'm so sorry.
-- Why didn't you leave a message? --Um... -- Oh.
-- Um, the message we have is not really a message sort of message.
-- What's going on? The house is on the market.
Where are you going?
-- I'm-I'm going to be staying locally,
so not really going anywhere.
-- But I am.
-- What? --Dad and I...are getting a divorce.
-- Oh, I expect it's come as a bit of a shock.
-- You're happy together.
-- Well, we thought we were.
But it turns out, we're not.
-- It's the little things that build up. -- Yes.
-- I've always wanted to experience Dresden.
-- Oh, I couldn't give two shits.
-- But this is ridiculous.
You love each other. You've been together forever.
I mean, everyone says what a perfect couple you are.
You're not single people. You're a unit.
-- Andrew said you might react like this. -- Mm. -- Andrew?
-- He's ignited something in us both.
-- Suddenly everything makes sense. --Mm. -- We were just pootling along,
both wanting things we weren't able to have,
but too polite to say anything.
-- And now we're so excited about our new lives. -- Yeah.
-- Everything feels fresh.
-- He told me I had a waist.
-- And he understands how desperately I want to go on cruises
and visit every country in the world and eat spicy food.
-- Sorry, I-I just... I can't. --Your mum will stay here.
-- I want to go out to work.
And Andrew suggested... --Could you stop saying Andrew?
-- Oh. -- He predicted this entire reaction.
-- Well, he's a smart guy.
Canny fellow.
-- Is that Kew Gardens? -- Oh, yes.
Um, Andrew took us there.
I don't think we've laughed as much in 40 years. -- No.
-- But we always go there together. As a unit.
-- Well, I know, but we did ask you. --You're always so busy.
And so when Andrew suggested it... --When Andrew... -- Just stop.
Can't believe Mum's getting married?
-- I can't believe Mum's getting divorced.
-- Which is worse?
-- Divorce, you prick.
Divorce is worse than marriage.
-- Although, sometimes when people divorce,
they actually become closer than when they were married.
A lot like us.
-- Mum said Andrew was like the son she never had.
-- So did my mum.
-- He told her she had a waist.
Andrew told my mum she had a waist.
-- Why does he get points for that?
Did he also tell her she has feet?
-- And he indulged Dad's lurid Michael Palin fantasies.
To travel.
Dad wants to be Phileas Fogg.
Take the gap year he never had
and roam the globe like some nutty old tramp.
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
-- It does.
He's replacing my mum with your mum.
He knows my mum's going to Tring,
so he's getting your dad out of the picture so he can have a mum.
-- He never had a mum, so he steals other people's.
He's a mother collector.
-- He's on a mum safari.
-- Well, he's not adding my mother to his trophy collection.
Andrew has bitten off more than he can chew
and it's going to choke him.
And if it doesn't choke him, I'll set fire to his balls.
-- Wow. OK.
That, that honestly took a turn I wasn't expecting.
-- Yeah, that makes total sense for Stephen to give you away.
Only. -- Only?
-- Well, he is quite hostile to Julian, and maybe,
I mean, stop me if this is crackers, but would it maybe
be an olive branch, Julian, if you asked him to be your best man?
-- Possibly.
Uh, I would prefer a very quiet stag night.
-- But who would walk me down the aisle?
Ooh. Andrew.
I don't suppose you would?
-- Me? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm...I'm not family.
-- Oh, but you are.
-- I've got news.
I am with child. Pregnant.
By my uncle.
-- ALL THREE: -- Geoff?
-- No, Luca.
He's the father of my unborn baby.
And when it's born, my born baby.
-- Are you absolutely sure?
-- Yes, I've done a test.
It was negative, but a mother knows.
-- But aren't those tests 99% accurate?
-- Well, I'm in the 1%.
I mean, look at me. I'm glowing, my bosoms are surging.
I can feel them.
-- Lovely.
-- You're going to be a grandmother, Mum.
Julian, a step something once removed, or something? Grandfather.
Andrew, you're going to be a foster-uncle.
Buongiorno, Bambino.
That's "Hello, baby" in Italian.
He's bilingual.
-- What about your university plans?
-- I'm going to get a routine.
Essay, feeding, nappy, lecture.
Then sometimes the baby will be asleep,
or staring up at a mobile and smiling, like in adverts.
And my uni mates can help raise it like in indigenous tribes,
or the Occupy Movement.
-- Right.
-- But maybe breast-feeding in a lecture wouldn't really work.
How do you write notes?
Record them. But you might just hear suckling, rather than the lecturer
and I'll probably get that sore nipple thing.
Mad ankles.
Actually, having thought about it quite deeply,
I think I'm probably not pregnant. Those tests are 99% accurate.
-- Are they? -- Hm.
-- Right.
-- I must have left my wallet on the table when I went to the loo.
-- Luca will have had it.
Cloned the card.
That was him having a meal deal at Gordano services.
-- Why go for a deal, if it's not your money?
He could've had any sandwich there.
-- Yeah, but sometimes the meal deal sandwiches are the best ones, so
you find yourself tied into a deal without really thinking about it.
-- Well, thanks for lending me the money to pay for Maureen.
-- There's a secret account Luca didn't know about.
Money from that compensation I got
when I pretended to have whiplash and hear voices.
-- How are you feeling?
-- I suppose I feel like I've actually got whiplash from Luca running off.
Bruised, sore, and don't want to look behind me.
I'm going to have to sell the farm, I think.
-- Really? -- Yeah.
Still, everyone's moving on.
Your mum's getting married
and going to Tring, Cass'll end up at university.
Not much to stay here for.
-- I'm still here, Geoff. --Oh, no, obviously.
That's a given. I mean, you're a fixture.
Screwed to the floor like a table in a 70's Butlins.
-- Hi, erm, I'm here to pick up some ashes.
-- Name?
-- Maureen. -- Surname?
-- Oh, you...you meant my name.
-- Yes. -- Did you really think I was called Maureen?
-- I don't judge.
-- My name is Stephen Nicholls.
The late dog is Maureen.
-- That will be £120 for the procedure and £159 for the cremation.
-- Jesus. -- And the urn will be £66.
-- Can I get a cheaper urn?
-- No. Oh.
The vet's put a note on Maureen's postmortem report,
saying there was small traces of rat poison in her system.
-- Oh. OK.
-- Dogs will eat anything.
We had a dog in here last week that ate her foot.
I'll go fetch that urn.
-- Don't come too close. Rat traps.
-- What the fuck have you done to my parents?
-- Oh, you've seen them?
-- And we spoke on the phone just now.
They said you told them they shouldn't have any regrets.
-- And they shouldn't.
-- My dad wants to go to Micronesia and just stop shaving.
He says he feels neutered and he's fed up with semi-skimmed milk
and he wants to watch a John Wick movie at the IMAX.
-- And Wendy has felt trapped and diminished for years.
They weren't happy, and now they're very happy.
-- They were happy.
They just didn't show it because they both went to a grammar school.
-- Look, this was always going to happen.
You can't put a cork in a volcano.
I just helped them give voice to their feelings.
I've been a facilitator.
But they've workshopped their own future.
-- You took them to Kew fucking Gardens.
-- Only because you couldn't.
They asked, but you were, understandably, so busy.
Look, Alison, we both want the same things for them, right?
Happiness, fulfilment, independence.
-- My mum is not your mum.
-- Yes, I'm aware of that.
The last time I saw my mum,
I was ten and about to be taken back into care.
Look, I'm just trying to help your mum out.
That's all. --You've underestimated me, Andrew.
-- Oh, I could never underestimate you, Alison.
You're the smartest person around here.
-- I am.
I mean, I don't want to be arrogant, but I am very clever.
And I'm onto you.
My mum tells me she's got a job.
Do you know where she's going to be working? -- Yeah.
Here.
-- And when she says she'll be staying locally?
-- There's a room at the Barleycorn, if she needs it.
Or she might decide on a little flat in town.
Like I say, it's all her decision.
-- Oh, of course he poisoned Maureen.
-- The Barleycorn traps have always been snap traps.
There's a lot of local cats and there's never,
ever been any poison put down, but do you think that...?
-- Aw, come on.
How much of a coincidence is it that Maureen has rat poison in her,
and then I see Andrew laying rat traps?
-- Do we think Andrew would deliberately kill a dog?
-- We do.
He would kill a dog and fuck a cat and eat a rat,
all before Homes Under the Hammer started.
I mean, poor Maureen,
she never stood a chance against that sick fucker.
-- But why? --Because he set his sights on me.
He is destroying everything I love.
My mum, working as a barmaid.
I mean, I don't want to sound like a snob, but fuck it all to hell.
-- Well, with my mum off to pastures,
Tring with the Reverend Hot pants,
there's a Mum-shaped hole at the pub.
This actually feels weirdly good.
That finally someone else truly and fully sees what Andrew's capable of.
-- Oh, I can see it, all right.
-- Up to now, I've...I've felt like the boy in the fairy tale who can
see that the emperor's naked
and he's whacking people in the eyes with his cock.
-- Let's kill him,
bury his head at Land's End and his body at John o'Groats.
What do you think? Hire a hit man?
-- Um...
-- Or, or we could fake an accident.
Too much to drink, handbrake off, over a cliff.
Mm.
Yeah, we should definitely murder Andrew.
It's what Maureen would've wanted.
-- Geoff, Mike and I have been talking.
-- About, about lots of things.
-- Pasties, how you can't get wellies in half sizes,
what tombola means, why don't dad's whistle any more?
-- And...and about you, Geoff.
-- When you sell the farm,
we don't like to think of you having to move away.
-- So would you like to move in with us?
We've got a spare room.
-- No. -- Oh.
-- That's very kind, but I sort of like the idea of getting way.
This place can cramp you, keep you down, hobble you.
Just look at Stephen.
-- Yeah. -- Tragic.
-- And you guys.
I know.
-- Yeah.
Fucking hell.
-- We can do it. Kill him.
I mean, who would care? He doesn't have anyone.
-- He has our mum's. They love him.
-- Aw, they're under his spell.
He's like a... God, what's he like?
-- A warlock?
-- Warlock? No, he's not like a fucking warlock.
Whatever he is, he needs to be stopped.
You and me.
Like Bonnie and Clyde.
-- Can I be Clyde?
I...I mean, in terms of the energy, you're obviously Clyde,
but for my own masculine pride, I...
-- Are you in this with me?
I need you in this with me.
-- I am. I bloody am.
Yes, let's kill the motherfucker.
The Aye's have it.
I haven't done my teeth.
-- You awake?
-- You know what?
Citalopram.
Sertraline.
They can go get fucked.
I just needed to have sex.
And I'm cured.
-- I found her.
-- Who? -- Andrew's birth mum.
I found her.
-- How?
-- Got access to databases I maybe shouldn't have access to.
Called in favours, offered favours.
Eight hours of clicking and I think I found her.
-- Do...do...do you still want to kill him, Bonnie?
-- No, Clyde.
Worse than killing him.
I want to fuck his head up completely via his mum.
We're not doormats any more, me and you.
We are the dirty boots on the doormat.
I'm going to fuck his mum and you're going to watch.
-- This is brilliant.
-- Do you want more sex? -- Yes.
I do.
I do want more sex.
Thank you.
-- # Have you ever made love to a beautiful girl?
# Made you feel like it's not such a bad world
# Hey, man, now you're really living
# Now you're really giving everything
# And you're really getting all you can
# Now you're really living what this life is all about. #
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