1
00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:07,560
-- Thank you so much.
--It was nothing, Phil. My pleasure.
2
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:09,800
-- I don't know how we would've managed
all this without you.
3
00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:12,360
-- Like I say ad infinitum these days,
4
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,320
I just want to try and help.
5
00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,200
"Change the bloody record, Andrew!"
6
00:00:16,240 --> 00:00:19,120
-- No, no, don't ever change
the record. You're a wonder.
7
00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:20,920
-- Like the son we never had.
8
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,640
Not that we ever wished Alison
had been a boy.
9
00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:25,760
-- Well, we did a bit. -- Now, come on.
10
00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,000
-- We thought,
when Alison married Stephen,
11
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:29,720
he might be the son we never had.
12
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:32,360
-- But he wasn't really
son-we-never-had material.
13
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,640
Handshake like a Victorian doll.
14
00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,480
Not like you, bloody Action Man.
15
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,040
-- Not to be impolite,
but he's a cack-handed Herbert.
16
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,680
-- You know, I feel I ought
to stand up for Stephen. And Alison.
17
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:47,120
They're both fine, caring people,
and Alison loves you very much.
18
00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,000
-- Aw. That's just the kind of goodness
19
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:51,200
we've always come to expect
from you. -- Yes.
20
00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:53,000
We've never been happier. -- No.
21
00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,760
-- And that's down to you.
22
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,640
You've given us a jolly good shake.
23
00:00:56,680 --> 00:00:58,960
-- Awoken us from a troubled dream.
--Yeah.
24
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:02,800
-- I'm truly humbled, guys,
but I didn't do this.
25
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:05,520
You did this. -- Aw.
--This is your decision.
26
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:12,720
-- We should call Alison.
27
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:14,640
-- You probably should, yes.
28
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,080
ON RADIO: -- And we'll have Tim with
the traffic update after this.
29
00:01:28,120 --> 00:01:31,120
-- DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
30
00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:58,760
BIRDSONG
31
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,960
Oh, ooh.
32
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,000
-- Woo!
33
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,120
-- BANGING ON DOOR
34
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,760
-- Geoff. -- Geoff. -- What's up, mate?
35
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,160
-- He's fucked me!
36
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,600
My husband has fucked me!
37
00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,520
-- Luca? -- No, I never want to hear
that name again.
38
00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:18,960
-- Consider him redacted, Geoff.
39
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,360
-- When you say he's fucked you...
--Fucked me over, I mean.
40
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,320
Over in the fucking clover.
41
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:27,400
He's straight, I'm straight,
but he's straight-up fucked me.
42
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:28,960
One of everything, Mike.
43
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:30,760
I'm going to drink like it's a job
44
00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,520
and not stop till I piss blood.
45
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:37,400
-- So what happened, Geoff?
With...Man X.
46
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,840
-- He's stolen my savings
47
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:42,960
and online auctioned
all my farm machinery.
48
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:47,320
He got grants to re-green my land
49
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,960
and then bought himself
a fucking Audi!
50
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,400
I married him
so he could stay in this country.
51
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:58,240
Turns out,
he's already got settled status.
52
00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:00,080
SHE GASPS, GEOFF GULPS
53
00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:03,320
He's made a sham
of our fake marriage!
54
00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,200
-- And you didn't even suspect
what he was up to?
55
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:06,880
-- I trust too much.
56
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:10,880
I'm too fucking nice is my problem.
57
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:12,200
-- Yeah.
58
00:03:12,240 --> 00:03:13,520
-- Yeah, way too nice.
59
00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,760
-- I need to drink to forget,
and then, when I've forgotten,
60
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,040
I need to drink
till I remember again.
61
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:21,320
And then drink till I forget
62
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:24,600
why I'm remembering
to drink to forget.
63
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,240
-- That'll be £57.60, Geoff.
64
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,400
I'll set up a tab.
65
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,360
-- MEOWING
66
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:40,560
Hi, yes, you-you asked me to...
67
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,800
No, I'm really not happy to be
popped on hold again for...
68
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,480
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE
69
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,920
I'm on hold.
--Do you have to do this now?
70
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,280
-- I was on hold for over an hour,
and then it suddenly disconnected.
71
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,520
Now it's taken me 35 minutes
to get to a human being.
72
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,600
I'm on the cusp of sorting out
my unusual card activity.
73
00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,160
I can't hang up.
74
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,040
-- Could you turn your music down?
75
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:02,680
-- It's not music.
76
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,160
I mean, it is music,
but it's hold music.
77
00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,680
Vivaldi now.
78
00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,800
It was Zoom by Fat Larry's Band
a while ago.
79
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:13,960
-- Whatever it is, could you turn
it down? My cat's distressed.
80
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,320
-- Well, my dog's about to be executed,
so, you know...
81
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,040
-- Don't say that in front of Maureen!
82
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:19,800
-- Sorry.
83
00:04:19,840 --> 00:04:22,000
Sorry, Maureen.
DOG WHIMPERS
84
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,440
She's had a good life.
85
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:24,560
-- No, she hasn't.
86
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,400
She's had a grim life
of misery and illness.
87
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:28,880
-- Sure.
88
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,200
But you've given her the best life
she could've had.
89
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:35,160
What was it that
Alfred Lord Tennyson said?
90
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:37,040
Hiya! Hi there.
91
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,560
Yes, happy to go
through my transactions.
92
00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:42,880
Yes, I will have got
something online at Boots.
93
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,120
I do that a lot.
94
00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:48,040
Was it 3.99?
Yes, I know what that is.
95
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,000
-- She's feeling very warm.
96
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,720
-- That'll be the pink blanket.
97
00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,880
No, I haven't bought a pink blanket.
98
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,320
My doomed dog is in one.
99
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:59,600
No, no, I'm saying
there's no blanket of any colour.
100
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:02,040
No... No!
MUSIC PLAYS, HE SIGHS
101
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:03,960
She's popped me on hold.
102
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:06,720
MEOWING
103
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:07,880
Sorry, everyone.
104
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:13,320
-- His Facebook profile's gone.
He doesn't exist.
105
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:17,280
-- He'll have gone dark, Geoff.
Rogue. Fake ID.
106
00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:18,560
Maybe a bit of cosmetic.
107
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,920
-- Oh, no, here it is.
And his Insta.
108
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,880
But he's not been on there for days.
109
00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,440
You remember
my late Lily's necklace?
110
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,680
The one I bought her
for our tenth anniversary?
111
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,440
-- Oh, Geoff. No.
112
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,000
-- I pawned that a couple of months,
ago for betting money
113
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,640
and Luca's nicked the cash.
114
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,120
He's a monster.
115
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:37,920
-- You should go to the police, Geoff.
116
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,320
-- I married him illegally.
117
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:40,960
They'll prosecute me.
118
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,160
Plus, I don't want coppers
on my land.
119
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:44,760
The barn's a deathtrap
120
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,320
and I've got a couple
of skunk plants in my polytunnel.
121
00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:48,600
-- I heard about Luca.
122
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,640
I suppose I should confess now.
123
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,120
We were seeing each other.
124
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,720
Luca and I. Me and Luca.
125
00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:56,560
-- Seeing each other? -- Yes.
126
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,400
More specifically,
seeing each other in the nude.
127
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:03,600
-- My own niece slept with my husband?
128
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:05,960
That's incest! -- I'm sorry.
129
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,880
We couldn't help ourselves.
130
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,280
Well, we could,
but we didn't want to.
131
00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:12,040
-- Oh, well.
132
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,720
It's a lesson learned.
133
00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:16,040
Never trust anyone.
134
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,640
Don't keep cash in an old tea caddy.
135
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:22,440
Don't marry men for visa reasons.
136
00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:25,760
Use a stronger password
for online banking.
137
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,320
A number of lessons, in actual fact.
138
00:06:37,120 --> 00:06:39,520
-- SHE SNIFFLES
There's a good girl.
139
00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:46,720
-- It'll be very swift.
140
00:06:46,760 --> 00:06:48,600
She won't feel a thing.
141
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:50,200
-- OK.
142
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:51,840
-- She's been suffering a lot.
143
00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,040
You're making exactly
the right decision.
144
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,480
-- Thank you.
145
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,400
That's very comforting to hear.
146
00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,160
There.
147
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:02,880
Goodbye, Maureen.
148
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:04,280
-- Hi.
149
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:06,400
No...
150
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:11,360
No, I haven't bought a meal deal
from Gordano services.
151
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,120
Or any petrol, no.
152
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:23,760
Yes, I did rent the film
Herbie Goes Bananas from Sky.
153
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:31,720
-- Well?
154
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:33,640
-- Massive congratulations!
155
00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:36,040
Who doesn't love a wedding?
156
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,320
Joyful news. -- It's weird.
157
00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:41,200
But great! But weird.
158
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,240
-- If I objected,
would it make any difference?
159
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:44,960
-- Not really. -- Terrific.
160
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,440
-- We would love to have your blessing,
though.
161
00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:49,400
-- Dad hasn't been dead very long.
162
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:50,760
-- It's been nine months.
163
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,080
-- A lot can happen in nine months.
164
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,360
-- Look, I don't want to seem
old-fashioned... -- Then don't.
165
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,760
It's not the olden days, Stephen.
It's nowadays!
166
00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:02,080
-- And soon it'll be the future.
--Exactly. -- What does that mean?
167
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:04,440
-- Why delay happiness when
it's right in front of you?
168
00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:07,160
Ellen, Mum... -- Aw.
--..deserves to be happy,
169
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:08,400
more than anyone.
170
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,000
And Julian can make her happy.
171
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:11,320
I know you can.
172
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,120
Thank you, Andrew.
--Who cares what you think? -- I do.
173
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,520
That's why I asked him here.
174
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:18,280
Andrew is like a son to me.
175
00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:19,920
-- He's not your son.
176
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,960
-- It's true. I'm not.
177
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,800
I'm no-one's son.
178
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:26,600
And I've learned to be OK with that.
179
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,560
-- Why are people so obsessed
with change?
180
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,440
Just leave things as they are
for five fucking minutes.
181
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:41,200
-- Ellen and Julian are quite simply
moving on with their lives.
182
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,240
-- That's precisely
what I don't like about it.
183
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,560
-- I can see your point, Stephen,
184
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:47,120
but also you have had the same
haircut since you were eight.
185
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,720
-- It works.
--Well, I'm off to the Barleycorn.
186
00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,360
Raise a glass to the happy couple.
Welcome to come.
187
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,080
-- You knew about this, didn't you?
About the wedding?
188
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:58,320
-- Did I? -- Did you? -- Did I? -- Fuck off.
189
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:01,640
Why are you so calm about this?
The family's breaking up.
190
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,760
The precious family that
you've so charmingly infiltrated.
191
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,200
-- I've embraced change, Stephen.
192
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:11,640
I've had to. And things usually
work out for me in the end.
193
00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:14,120
Drink? -- Yes, please.
--Stick it up your arse.
194
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:32,880
-- God, the shit you accumulate.
195
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,720
-- What? -- Oh.
196
00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:38,080
Photos of that holiday in Corfu.
--Aw. -- Ooh...
197
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,040
Want them? -- Chuck them.
--DOOR CLOSES
198
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,320
-- Oh, love.
We've been trying to call you.
199
00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,520
-- My phone was off.
200
00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:46,120
Maureen was being put to sleep.
201
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:49,000
-- Oh. -- Oh, Al. I'm-I'm so sorry.
202
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:51,480
-- Why didn't you leave a message?
--Um... -- Oh.
203
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:56,160
-- Um, the message we have is not
really a message sort of message.
204
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,480
-- What's going on?
The house is on the market.
205
00:09:58,520 --> 00:09:59,840
Where are you going?
206
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,560
-- I'm-I'm going
to be staying locally,
207
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,520
so not really going anywhere.
208
00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:05,320
-- But I am.
209
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:09,360
-- What?
--Dad and I...are getting a divorce.
210
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,840
-- Oh, I expect it's come
as a bit of a shock.
211
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,240
-- You're happy together.
212
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,720
-- Well, we thought we were.
213
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,640
But it turns out, we're not.
214
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:20,280
-- It's the little things
that build up. -- Yes.
215
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,720
-- I've always wanted
to experience Dresden.
216
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,120
-- Oh, I couldn't give two shits.
217
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,240
-- But this is ridiculous.
218
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,880
You love each other.
You've been together forever.
219
00:10:27,920 --> 00:10:30,560
I mean, everyone says
what a perfect couple you are.
220
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,400
You're not single people.
You're a unit.
221
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:36,720
-- Andrew said you might react
like this. -- Mm. -- Andrew?
222
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,040
-- He's ignited something in us both.
223
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,920
-- Suddenly everything makes sense.
--Mm. -- We were just pootling along,
224
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,120
both wanting things
we weren't able to have,
225
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,960
but too polite to say anything.
226
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,240
-- And now we're so excited
about our new lives. -- Yeah.
227
00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:51,680
-- Everything feels fresh.
228
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,280
-- He told me I had a waist.
229
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,560
-- And he understands how desperately
I want to go on cruises
230
00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:00,120
and visit every country in the world
and eat spicy food.
231
00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,720
-- Sorry, I-I just... I can't.
--Your mum will stay here.
232
00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,360
-- I want to go out to work.
233
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,160
And Andrew suggested...
--Could you stop saying Andrew?
234
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,760
-- Oh. -- He predicted
this entire reaction.
235
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,360
-- Well, he's a smart guy.
236
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:12,720
Canny fellow.
237
00:11:12,760 --> 00:11:14,680
-- Is that Kew Gardens? -- Oh, yes.
238
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:16,480
Um, Andrew took us there.
239
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,320
I don't think we've laughed
as much in 40 years. -- No.
240
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,600
-- But we always go there together.
As a unit.
241
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,440
-- Well, I know, but we did ask you.
--You're always so busy.
242
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:27,080
And so when Andrew suggested it...
--When Andrew... -- Just stop.
243
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,360
Can't believe Mum's getting married?
244
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,960
-- I can't believe Mum's
getting divorced.
245
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,520
-- Which is worse?
246
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,240
-- Divorce, you prick.
247
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:45,920
Divorce is worse than marriage.
248
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,880
-- Although, sometimes
when people divorce,
249
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,480
they actually become closer
than when they were married.
250
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:52,360
A lot like us.
251
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:55,880
-- Mum said Andrew was like the
son she never had.
252
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:57,280
-- So did my mum.
253
00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,960
-- He told her she had a waist.
254
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,320
Andrew told my mum she had a waist.
255
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,200
-- Why does he get points for that?
256
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,280
Did he also tell her she has feet?
257
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:08,120
-- And he indulged Dad's lurid
Michael Palin fantasies.
258
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,640
To travel.
259
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:13,680
Dad wants to be Phileas Fogg.
260
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:15,920
Take the gap year he never had
261
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,080
and roam the globe like some
nutty old tramp.
262
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:20,640
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
263
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,440
-- It does.
264
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,480
He's replacing my mum with your mum.
265
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:28,360
He knows my mum's going to Tring,
266
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:31,240
so he's getting your dad out
of the picture so he can have a mum.
267
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:34,560
-- He never had a mum,
so he steals other people's.
268
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:36,440
He's a mother collector.
269
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:38,120
-- He's on a mum safari.
270
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,800
-- Well, he's not adding my mother
to his trophy collection.
271
00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:43,120
Andrew has bitten off more
than he can chew
272
00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:44,640
and it's going to choke him.
273
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:47,360
And if it doesn't choke him,
I'll set fire to his balls.
274
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:50,840
-- Wow. OK.
275
00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:53,520
That, that honestly took a
turn I wasn't expecting.
276
00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:58,800
-- Yeah, that makes total sense
for Stephen to give you away.
277
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:02,040
Only. -- Only?
278
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:08,200
-- Well, he is quite hostile
to Julian, and maybe,
279
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,640
I mean, stop me if this is
crackers, but would it maybe
280
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:16,240
be an olive branch, Julian, if you
asked him to be your best man?
281
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,720
-- Possibly.
282
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,120
Uh, I would prefer a very
quiet stag night.
283
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,760
-- But who would walk me
down the aisle?
284
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:26,400
Ooh. Andrew.
285
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,200
I don't suppose you would?
286
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:29,960
-- Me? Oh, no, no, no, no.
287
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,200
I'm...I'm not family.
288
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,600
-- Oh, but you are.
289
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:33,640
-- I've got news.
290
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,640
I am with child. Pregnant.
291
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:38,800
By my uncle.
292
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:40,240
-- ALL THREE: -- Geoff?
293
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:41,680
-- No, Luca.
294
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:43,360
He's the father of my unborn baby.
295
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,320
And when it's born, my born baby.
296
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,080
-- Are you absolutely sure?
297
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:48,600
-- Yes, I've done a test.
298
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:50,360
It was negative, but a mother knows.
299
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,120
-- But aren't those
tests 99% accurate?
300
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,040
-- Well, I'm in the 1%.
301
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,120
I mean, look at me.
I'm glowing, my bosoms are surging.
302
00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,400
I can feel them.
303
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:00,680
-- Lovely.
304
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:02,680
-- You're going to be a
grandmother, Mum.
305
00:14:02,720 --> 00:14:07,080
Julian, a step something once
removed, or something? Grandfather.
306
00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:10,560
Andrew, you're going
to be a foster-uncle.
307
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,480
Buongiorno, Bambino.
308
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,440
That's "Hello, baby" in Italian.
309
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,000
He's bilingual.
310
00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:18,760
-- What about your university plans?
311
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,160
-- I'm going to get a routine.
312
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,120
Essay, feeding, nappy, lecture.
313
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,200
Then sometimes the baby
will be asleep,
314
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,040
or staring up at a mobile
and smiling, like in adverts.
315
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:30,120
And my uni mates can help raise
it like in indigenous tribes,
316
00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,720
or the Occupy Movement.
317
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,120
-- Right.
318
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:36,040
-- But maybe breast-feeding in a
lecture wouldn't really work.
319
00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,800
How do you write notes?
320
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:41,080
Record them. But you might just hear
suckling, rather than the lecturer
321
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,080
and I'll probably get that
sore nipple thing.
322
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:44,240
Mad ankles.
323
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:47,640
Actually, having thought about it
quite deeply,
324
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:50,920
I think I'm probably not pregnant.
Those tests are 99% accurate.
325
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,320
-- Are they? -- Hm.
326
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,440
-- Right.
327
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,360
-- I must have left my wallet
on the table when I went to the loo.
328
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,880
-- Luca will have had it.
329
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,400
Cloned the card.
330
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,320
That was him having a meal
deal at Gordano services.
331
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,640
-- Why go for a deal,
if it's not your money?
332
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,480
He could've had any sandwich there.
333
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,760
-- Yeah, but sometimes the meal deal
sandwiches are the best ones, so
334
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,760
you find yourself tied into a deal
without really thinking about it.
335
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:21,360
-- Well, thanks for lending me
the money to pay for Maureen.
336
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:24,320
-- There's a secret account
Luca didn't know about.
337
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,160
Money from that compensation I got
338
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:29,560
when I pretended to have
whiplash and hear voices.
339
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,120
-- How are you feeling?
340
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:34,640
-- I suppose I feel like I've actually
got whiplash from Luca running off.
341
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,040
Bruised, sore, and
don't want to look behind me.
342
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,840
I'm going to have to sell
the farm, I think.
343
00:15:39,880 --> 00:15:41,520
-- Really? -- Yeah.
344
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,720
Still, everyone's moving on.
345
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,440
Your mum's getting married
346
00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:48,280
and going to Tring, Cass'll
end up at university.
347
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,520
Not much to stay here for.
348
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,960
-- I'm still here, Geoff.
--Oh, no, obviously.
349
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,400
That's a given.
I mean, you're a fixture.
350
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:58,160
Screwed to the floor
like a table in a 70's Butlins.
351
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,040
-- Hi, erm, I'm here to pick
up some ashes.
352
00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:09,440
-- Name?
353
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,360
-- Maureen. -- Surname?
354
00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,080
-- Oh, you...you meant my name.
355
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,720
-- Yes. -- Did you really think
I was called Maureen?
356
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:17,120
-- I don't judge.
357
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:18,800
-- My name is Stephen Nicholls.
358
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,560
The late dog is Maureen.
359
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:26,680
-- That will be £120 for the procedure
and £159 for the cremation.
360
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:30,800
-- Jesus. -- And the urn will be £66.
361
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:32,400
-- Can I get a cheaper urn?
362
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:34,280
-- No. Oh.
363
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,240
The vet's put a note on
Maureen's postmortem report,
364
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:40,560
saying there was small traces of
rat poison in her system.
365
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,520
-- Oh. OK.
366
00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:44,400
-- Dogs will eat anything.
367
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:47,360
We had a dog in here last week
that ate her foot.
368
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,480
I'll go fetch that urn.
369
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,720
-- Don't come too close. Rat traps.
370
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:00,800
-- What the fuck have you done
to my parents?
371
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,200
-- Oh, you've seen them?
372
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:03,640
-- And we spoke on the phone just now.
373
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,200
They said you told them
they shouldn't have any regrets.
374
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,600
-- And they shouldn't.
375
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:11,040
-- My dad wants to go to Micronesia
and just stop shaving.
376
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:14,240
He says he feels neutered and he's
fed up with semi-skimmed milk
377
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,640
and he wants to watch a
John Wick movie at the IMAX.
378
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,360
-- And Wendy has felt trapped
and diminished for years.
379
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,480
They weren't happy,
and now they're very happy.
380
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:22,720
-- They were happy.
381
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:25,440
They just didn't show it because
they both went to a grammar school.
382
00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:27,080
-- Look, this was
always going to happen.
383
00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:28,600
You can't put a cork in a volcano.
384
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:30,880
I just helped them
give voice to their feelings.
385
00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:32,520
I've been a facilitator.
386
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,800
But they've workshopped
their own future.
387
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,920
-- You took them
to Kew fucking Gardens.
388
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,320
-- Only because you couldn't.
389
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,160
They asked, but you were,
understandably, so busy.
390
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,040
Look, Alison, we both want the
same things for them, right?
391
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:45,920
Happiness, fulfilment, independence.
392
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,440
-- My mum is not your mum.
393
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:48,680
-- Yes, I'm aware of that.
394
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:50,360
The last time I saw my mum,
395
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,360
I was ten and about to be
taken back into care.
396
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,600
Look, I'm just trying to
help your mum out.
397
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:57,040
That's all.
--You've underestimated me, Andrew.
398
00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,040
-- Oh, I could never
underestimate you, Alison.
399
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,200
You're the smartest
person around here.
400
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,320
-- I am.
401
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:06,600
I mean, I don't want to be
arrogant, but I am very clever.
402
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:07,840
And I'm onto you.
403
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:13,080
My mum tells me she's got a job.
404
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:15,720
Do you know where she's
going to be working? -- Yeah.
405
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:16,880
Here.
406
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,960
-- And when she says she'll
be staying locally?
407
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,160
-- There's a room at the
Barleycorn, if she needs it.
408
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,480
Or she might decide on
a little flat in town.
409
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,840
Like I say, it's all her decision.
410
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:33,880
-- Oh, of course he poisoned Maureen.
411
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:36,760
-- The Barleycorn traps have
always been snap traps.
412
00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,080
There's a lot of local cats
and there's never,
413
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:41,960
ever been any poison put down,
but do you think that...?
414
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,280
-- Aw, come on.
415
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:46,640
How much of a coincidence is it that
Maureen has rat poison in her,
416
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,320
and then I see Andrew
laying rat traps?
417
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:52,200
-- Do we think Andrew would
deliberately kill a dog?
418
00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,560
-- We do.
419
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:57,480
He would kill a dog and
fuck a cat and eat a rat,
420
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,520
all before Homes Under the Hammer
started.
421
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:00,960
I mean, poor Maureen,
422
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,480
she never stood a chance
against that sick fucker.
423
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,560
-- But why?
--Because he set his sights on me.
424
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,760
He is destroying everything I love.
425
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,800
My mum, working as a barmaid.
426
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:13,960
I mean, I don't want to sound like a
snob, but fuck it all to hell.
427
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,080
-- Well, with my mum off to pastures,
428
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,920
Tring with the Reverend Hot pants,
429
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,640
there's a Mum-shaped
hole at the pub.
430
00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,040
This actually feels weirdly good.
431
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:27,840
That finally someone else truly and
fully sees what Andrew's capable of.
432
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:29,520
-- Oh, I can see it, all right.
433
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,640
-- Up to now, I've...I've felt like the
boy in the fairy tale who can
434
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,200
see that the emperor's naked
435
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:36,760
and he's whacking people
in the eyes with his cock.
436
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,560
-- Let's kill him,
437
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,760
bury his head at Land's End
and his body at John o'Groats.
438
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,040
What do you think? Hire a hit man?
439
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:47,880
-- Um...
440
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,640
-- Or, or we could fake an accident.
441
00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:54,000
Too much to drink,
handbrake off, over a cliff.
442
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,440
Mm.
443
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,640
Yeah, we should definitely
murder Andrew.
444
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,360
It's what Maureen would've wanted.
445
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,120
-- Geoff, Mike and I have been talking.
446
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,720
-- About, about lots of things.
447
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:20,400
-- Pasties, how you can't get
wellies in half sizes,
448
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:25,120
what tombola means,
why don't dad's whistle any more?
449
00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,600
-- And...and about you, Geoff.
450
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,120
-- When you sell the farm,
451
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,800
we don't like to think of
you having to move away.
452
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:37,400
-- So would you like to
move in with us?
453
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:38,960
We've got a spare room.
454
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,960
-- No. -- Oh.
455
00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:46,680
-- That's very kind, but I sort
of like the idea of getting way.
456
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:50,640
This place can cramp you,
keep you down, hobble you.
457
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:52,360
Just look at Stephen.
458
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,120
-- Yeah. -- Tragic.
459
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,480
-- And you guys.
460
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:57,960
I know.
461
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:00,480
-- Yeah.
462
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:01,600
Fucking hell.
463
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:05,560
-- We can do it. Kill him.
464
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,200
I mean, who would care?
He doesn't have anyone.
465
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,400
-- He has our mum's. They love him.
466
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,160
-- Aw, they're under his spell.
467
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:14,400
He's like a... God, what's he like?
468
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:15,800
-- A warlock?
469
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,440
-- Warlock? No, he's not
like a fucking warlock.
470
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,920
Whatever he is,
he needs to be stopped.
471
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,480
You and me.
472
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:24,080
Like Bonnie and Clyde.
473
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:25,560
-- Can I be Clyde?
474
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,640
I...I mean, in terms of the energy,
you're obviously Clyde,
475
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,880
but for my own masculine pride, I...
476
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:32,400
-- Are you in this with me?
477
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,120
I need you in this with me.
478
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,560
-- I am. I bloody am.
479
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:39,640
Yes, let's kill the motherfucker.
480
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:40,920
The Aye's have it.
481
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,160
I haven't done my teeth.
482
00:21:58,760 --> 00:21:59,880
-- You awake?
483
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,960
-- You know what?
484
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,640
Citalopram.
485
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:07,080
Sertraline.
486
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:09,880
They can go get fucked.
487
00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,160
I just needed to have sex.
488
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,360
And I'm cured.
489
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:17,480
-- I found her.
490
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,400
-- Who? -- Andrew's birth mum.
491
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:22,480
I found her.
492
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:24,200
-- How?
493
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,680
-- Got access to databases
I maybe shouldn't have access to.
494
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,000
Called in favours, offered favours.
495
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:33,640
Eight hours of clicking
and I think I found her.
496
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,240
-- Do...do...do you still want
to kill him, Bonnie?
497
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:38,600
-- No, Clyde.
498
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,480
Worse than killing him.
499
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,920
I want to fuck his head up
completely via his mum.
500
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,400
We're not doormats any
more, me and you.
501
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:49,200
We are the dirty
boots on the doormat.
502
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,400
I'm going to fuck his mum
and you're going to watch.
503
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:53,840
-- This is brilliant.
504
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:55,760
-- Do you want more sex? -- Yes.
505
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,440
I do.
506
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:59,320
I do want more sex.
507
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:01,320
Thank you.
508
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:04,400
-- # Have you ever made love to
a beautiful girl?
509
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:07,560
# Made you feel like it's not
such a bad world
510
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:11,320
# Hey, man, now you're really living
511
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:14,320
# Now you're really giving
everything
512
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:17,160
# And you're really getting
all you can
513
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,760
# Now you're really living what
this life is all about. #
514
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,800
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