Oh. Peace be with you. Yeah, you, too. Thank you.
Peace be with you. - Peace be with you.
And also with you.
Peace be with you.
And also with you. - Peace be with you.
Peace be with you.
- And also with you.
Peace be with you.
And also with you.
PRIEST: Let us pray.
IMAGINARY CHOIR SINGING
PRIEST: Our Father, Who art in Heaven
hallowed be Thy name.
SHE MOUTHS THE WORDS - Thy Kingdom come
Thy will be done on Earth
as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us
and lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.
ALL: ♪ Rooted, grafted ♪
♪ Built on Thee ♪
Please be seated.
And also with you.
Um...
Sorry, uh...
Uh, yes, today's, um...
Uh, uh, today's notices.
There's a raffle, um, at tomorrow's fete
to raise funds for the, uh...
uh, t... uh, excuse...
I'm sorry. The diocesan pilgrimage to Lourdes.
Uh, congratulations to St. Ethelred's football club.
WOMAN WHOOPS - PRIEST CHUCKLES
3-1 victory.
Uh, next Friday is a First Friday
and I'm going to be making my usual sick calls
to the housebound with the Eucharist.
And finally, on Thursday, I'm going to begin
H-Holy Communion preparation classes.
And there are more details of that in the parish newsletter
along with my latest review.
QUIET CHUCKLING - That's all, folks.
Uh, please stand for God's blessing.
Thanks so much. All the best. - Thank you, Father.
Sure. See you next week.
All the best. - Really good one, Father.
Nice to see you, Gina. - Loved the story about your eye.
BOTH LAUGH - Oh, yes. Stop, stop. Off you go.
Give my regards to those budgies.
SHE CHUCKLES
Hello. - Hi.
SHE CHUCKLES: This is lovely. - Oh, thank you. Thank you.
I thought you'd be in prison by now.
Oh, well, I keep trying, but they just won't have me.
THEY BOTH LAUGH
I'm sorry about your eye.
Oh, that's OK. Gives me some edge.
I've told them some heroic bullshit.
Ah, bless you, Sandy.
Thank you, Father. - Bless you.
Get well. - Thank you.
Bye, now. Have a nice day. - Thank you, bye-bye.
God bless you. - Bye. See you next week.
Bless you.
I just wanted to, uh
pay you back for dinner. - Oh, no.
Thank you. Honestly. - Because I... No, no, really. I insist.
It'll have to be in instalments. - I don't want it.
I don't want it. I've got no pockets. - But I really... I just, I...
THEY LAUGH - Honestly, thank you.
OK. - Ah, ah, ah!
I'm going to knife the candles, Father.
They're a bit clogged up.
OK, Pam. - Yeah.
Well, the-the hair dryer is in the, in the wonky drawer.
Under the wonky drawer. Yes, I know.
Hello, love. - Hi.
Oh, is that for the collection? How sweet.
How kind. Thank you.
That's Pam.
Do you like tea?
Jesus.
SHE SNIFFS
PRIEST: Tea. - Great.
I don't want to boast
but I make a cracking... Oh! - SHE GASPS
Bastard! Sorry! - Oh.
Bastard! - Um...
Let me just, let me just get this.
OK. Oh, dear.
Oh, is that holy?
A bit less than it was before.
SHE CHUCKLES - Shit. Uh...
Oh, well.
He'll understand. He's an understanding sort.
OK. HE CHUCKLES
There you go. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Sorry about all the tat.
It's for a fund-raiser garden party thing tomorrow.
So much stuff. Absolutely no staff.
You can volunteer if you want.
Ah. - BOTH CHUCKLE
I'm only joking. - Oh.
Probably got a life. Oh. - Mm.
What's the time?
Um... - Do you want a proper drink?
I've got cans of G&T from M&S.
Well, it's... - I will if you will.
SHE CHUCKLES OK.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Yeah.
BOTH CHUCKLE
Thanks.
So, you're a cool priest, are you?
A cool priest? - Yeah.
No, I'm a big reader with no friends. Are you a cool person?
Oh, I'm a pretty normal person.
A normal person. - Yeah, a normal person.
What makes you a normal person? - Well, I don't believe in God.
I love it when He does that.
So, you were in my prayers last night.
Likewise.
I'm sorry for your loss.
What?
Your baby.
Oh. Yeah, thank you.
Thank you. Yes. I, uh...
I'm... Thank you.
Is the father alright?
Well, he's...
He doesn't really...
exist.
I understand.
The funeral liturgy says
that life is changed, not ended.
I've always loved that, if that's of any help.
No. Thank you very much, but I really am an atheist.
Yeah, I gathered that by the smelling of the Bible.
BOTH CHUCKLE - Oh.
New sermon?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, that's, uh...
I-I write, uh, restaurant reviews
for the parish magazine.
I was just finishing up the last one.
I actually just came up with a really good title.
Oh, what is it?
No.
What? - No, it's not cool.
Well, neither are we, so...
"I'd spend 40 days and 40 nights in that dessert."
Oh, God, I fancy a priest.
There you go. Thanks.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Hey.
Are you having an event?
No.
What? Why are there so many people here?
Well, it's just successful, I guess.
Why is everyone talking to each other?
Oh, it's Chatty Wednesday. If you buy something
you have to have a chat with someone you don't know.
What? - Loneliness pays.
Listen, can we...?
Sure.
I know you and I haven't... - Have you had a check-up?
Yes. It's-it's fine.
It's really not a big deal. It happens all the time.
Hello. - No!
Where are you from? - I'm-I'm not...
This isn't... I'm-I'm not part of this.
I shouldn't have to... I don't want to tell you that.
No. Sorry. No.
Tooting.
She hasn't bought anything yet, Joe.
Oh, shit! I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
Does Martin know?
You're not supposed to tell anyone for the first 12 weeks.
Well, you can tell the father. - I just haven't told him, OK?
OK, well, what does he know? - I don't want to talk about it. OK?
And I never want anyone to know about it.
You have it.
You're better at dealing with awful things, anyway.
I don't want it. - Well, you took it
now everyone thinks you have it, so you have it.
CLAIRE SIGHS
What?
They're some pretty funky trainers.
I said I'm fine.
I just really, really don't want anyone
to make a big deal out of this, OK?
Brutal. Just brutal.
You must feel rotten. - Mm.
Do you feel rotten?
Um, I'd-I'd rather not talk about it, if that's OK.
Of course, darling. Come on up.
Claire, get the door, for God's sake.
Did you know who the father was?
Um, you know, I'd rather not talk about it, if that's OK.
No, of course, darling.
Here. Here.
I've got a setup I'm very excited about.
It's going to be very striking. - Cool.
So, Claire, if you just sit here.
That's lovely, and, darling.
Mm-hmm. - Just beside her.
Like that. Lovely.
And actually, if you could just...
That's it. That's it.
Just a bit. - Oh.
SHE WHISPERS: A bit more. Bit more.
GODMOTHER: There. Perfect.
Gorgeous. Yes.
Sorry, no. If you could just...
That's it. Thank you, darling.
So, um... - She can't not talk about it.
You know, I have six friends... - A lie.
...who've had miscarriages.
Five of them never managed to produce a child afterwards.
But the sixth one did, and rather regretted it.
So, I think you've probably done the right thing.
Thank you.
Did you never want them?
Oh, I'm still thinking about it.
Is Dad here? I texted him, but...
Oh, I saw that. - Oh, so he is here?
Sorry, no. I've got his phone today.
I love that colour.
Which one? - That one.
Oh, that's three colours.
FLEABAG: Right. - I'm getting rid of it.
But it was quite an adventure painting.
I had an orgasm as I finished it.
Well, let's hope we all get
as much pleasure out of this one. SHE CHUCKLES
PHONE VIBRATES - No, no. Could you...
Um, I have a pretty full afternoon, so...
GODMOTHER: Oh, have you got to go back to Finland again?
No, Finland are coming here. - Oh. That's easier for you.
Mm. - PHONE VIBRATES
GODMOTHER: Are you still OK to pick up the invitations?
Oh, yes, of course.
And did you find that ribbon thing for the flowers?
CLAIRE: Yes. - Great.
GODMOTHER: And is Martin's nose on the mend?
Yes.
GODMOTHER: And how's the, uh, bassoon solo coming on?
Oh, yes, he's practising. - PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, God, and now I just have to...
FLEABAG: What? - Sorry, Claire, can you look up, please?
Thank you.
...organise canapés for an awards ceremony.
Oh, gosh, you must be exhausted.
Does the little cafe do canapés?
It totally could, yeah.
There you are. That's one off the list.
Great.
Gosh, haven't you got a lovely, thick neck.
PHONE VIBRATES
That was fun. - Thank you.
Yeah, I really can help with the canapés if it's...
I'm gonna say this quickly. OK. - OK.
Martin wants to press charges against you for assault.
I've tried to talk him down, but to be fair
you did hit him fucking hard. - What?
I will provide you with exceptional legal advice
as long as you don't tell anyone I'm providing you
with exceptional legal advice. - What?
This is happening.
I am mortified, but it is happening, OK?
I will hire this lawyer to scare him off
and I will hire you to do the canapés.
Who's the lawyer?
Oh, he's a friend. He mainly defends rapists.
He has a high success rate, then?
Oh, undefeated. Come on. - FLEABAG SIGHS
CLAIRE: I've filled him in with the basics.
That your husband's an animal?
Be serious. Just do whatever he says.
And don't flirt with him.
I'm not going to f...
Fucking hell. OK.
Claire. - David, thank you so much.
Oh. Sorry. - Wow.
I can take you to court for that. - BOTH LAUGH
This the little troublemaker, then?
Hi. - Hi.
Now, listen, I just want to be clear that whatever happens
I don't sleep with people I work with, OK?
HE LAUGHS: Ah! - THEY CHUCKLE
I'm joking. HE LAUGHS
Slip on in, ladies.
Well, if you spit guilty
you'll have to swallow a short jail term, or community service
if you're lucky. - Or?
You definitely started it? - Yes.
Any witnesses? - About... 30.
CLAIRE SIGHS
The most important thing, honey, is that you do not
under any circumstances, apologise.
I can do that. - No, that's not what we discussed.
Or that can be taken as an admission of guilt.
I assume you know the victim personally.
Yes, she... - No and...
let's not call him "the victim" yet, shall we?
Well, that's what he is. - Yes. Right.
They've definitely fucked.
We just want a letter to scare him off
if he ends up seeking proper action.
Really doesn't make sense, Claire. - Actually, maybe not.
I think it makes perfect sense.
I just want to be ahead of the game. - God, I can't tell.
That's a habit of yours, I've heard.
Oh, I've got it. - Is it?
They haven't. - You're gonna have to tell me who said that.
Never. - But they're going to.
David. - Oh, God, I've got to get out.
Claire. - Excuse me.
Where you off to, little lady?
I'm just gonna let this, uh... yeah.
BIRDS CHIRP - SHE SIGHS
IMAGINARY CHOIR SINGS
You alright? - SINGING STOPS ABRUPTLY
Yeah. Just thought I'd leave you to it.
Sorry. - What?
He says he'll only talk you through potential proceedings
if you go for a drink with him. - SHE LAUGHS: What?
I know. - Outrageous.
Stop smiling. - I thought he was after you.
Oh, so did I, but my hair isn't great at the moment.
Either way, it's very inappropriate.
Don't sleep with him. - I won't.
Don't. - I won't!
I don't do that anymore. - What?
Why? Are you ill? - No.
Then what? - Well, I... I...
I just... - Oh, my God. Have you met someone?
Well... well, not really. - Back with Harry?
No, it's actually... so, well... - Someone new?
Is he single? - Sort of.
SHE SIGHS
Take this. I'll try talk Martin down
but call him if you need him. He's a very good lawyer.
Surprisingly...
tender underneath it all.
Knew it.
What you did in the restaurant was unforgivable.
I know.
Thank you.
OK. Well, I'll, um... - Listen, I actually
just wanted to give you this.
It's just one session, but you've been through a lot
so I just... - Come on. I said I'm fine.
I'm weirdly fine.
I'd rather have the money.
SHE SIGHS
Excuse me. I've got dry forearms.
Sure.
So why have you come to this session?
Uh, it was a birthday present from my father.
Is that a joke?
No.
It would be good not to make jokes in here
just in case anything gets...
lost in humorous translation.
Oh, I don't know if I can do that. SHE LAUGHS
Is that a joke?
No.
Well, just try not to, or make it very obvious.
Sure.
So why do you think your father suggested you come for counselling?
Um, I think because my mother died and he can't talk about it
and my sister and I didn't speak for a year
because she thinks I tried to sleep with her husband
and because I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect
from the screaming void inside my empty heart.
I'm good at this.
Although I don't really do that anymore.
You close with your family?
We get on with it.
Do you talk?
God, no.
Any friends?
Sorry?
Any friends?
Um...
no, I don't really have time for...
Well, I have a guinea pig, but she blows hot and cold.
SHE CHUCKLES Not a joke.
Tell me about the sex.
SHE LAUGHS
All of it?
You said you don't do that now.
Oh, no, I just play tennis now.
Tough crowd.
Sorry.
I just...
Sex didn't bring anything...
...good, so I'm... I'm trying not to...
But I've...
And what have you found in your abstinence?
Well, I'm very horny, and you're little scarf isn't helping.
So the impulse is still there.
Oh.
Yeah, the...
The impulse is...
The impulse is v-very much still there. SHE CHUCKLES
It's just never the right person.
Mm-hmm. So there is a particular person
you're not having sex with.
No.
No, well, nothing's happened. I just...
He's not available.
In a relationship? - Yes. A bad one.
Oh, really? How so?
It's the sort of relationship where one partner
tells the other how to dress.
Are you in love with him?
SHE CHUCKLES No.
Why do you find that funny?
Well, I...
I lied. I just...
I don't kn-know.
Just not a romantic?
No.
Just...
a girl with no friends and an empty heart?
By your own description.
I have friends.
Oh. So you do have someone to talk to.
Yeah. SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE
Do you see them a lot?
Oh, they're... SHE CHUCKLES
They're always there. They're...
They're always there. SHE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
Why do you find that funny?
Listen, I don't need to be analysed. I have a nice life. I just...
I just wanted to exchange the voucher for the money.
It's a bit late for that now.
I've only been here five minutes.
I want the money.
I want to fuck a priest.
Catholic? - Yes.
A good one? - Yes.
Looks good in the, um... - Mm, yes.
I understand.
Do you really want to fuck the priest
or do you want to fuck God?
Can you fuck God? - Oh, yes.
Look, just-just please tell me how to not fuck a priest
before I get arrested.
Well, I don't think fucking a priest will make you feel
as powerful as you think it will.
Can you just tell me what to do?
You know.
You already know what you're going to do.
Everybody does.
What?
You've already decided what you're going to do.
So what's the point in you?
You know what you're going to do.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do. - I don't.
You do. You do. - I don't. I don't!
THE PRIEST LAUGHS
Good luck. - Thank you.
Shut up.
Hi, can I have two raffle tickets, please?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Hi.
Hi! You're...
Yeah. Yes. - With child. Cool.
Yeah, you got a fringe. - Yeah.
Yeah. Cool. - Aw. You always wanted a baby.
You always wanted a fringe.
SHE CHUCKLES - She is amazing.
I mean, it's been tough but amazing.
Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I mean, the birth really took its toll.
Oh, really? Was it a tricky one?
I can't really remember it now.
But the whole thing has just... really changed me.
I just don't feel... You know, my emotions
are up and down. My body just feels different.
I mean, Elaine is being amazing.
So supportive...
Sounds like you have postnatal depression.
I do, yeah, but we're working through it.
Sure.
Just to let you know, the band is gonna start
in a couple of minutes. - Hey, Father. This is Suzie.
Oh, I don't know how to talk to babies.
Sorry. Do you guys know each other?
Well, we sort of used to... - Uh, yeah, I used
to be her girlfriend. - ...used to kind of...
Oh, cool.
Good for you.
Well, I'm gonna go and show her the coconuts.
She's really good at counting. - SHE CHUCKLES: OK.
PAM: Excuse me, everyone!
The Youthy Band is about to play the ode to something!
LAUGHS - You having fun?
Yes. Yeah. - Selling well?
Yes, I think so. - Good? Oh, a puzzle!
Love a puzzle. - Father, the-the Youthy Band
are about to... - Yes, I-I heard you, Pam.
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. - PAM CHUCKLES
Oh, there's the main event.
Yeah. - Very talented.
She, um, sh-she...
don't say it... she-she actually, uh...
just-just don't say it...
she actually orgasmed when she finished it.
Just said it. Apparently.
Ah.
Well, whatever gets you there.
THEY LAUGH SOFTLY
PAM: Father!
Father, we have a cupcake situation over here!
OK, Pam! I will be there to cupcake!
THEY LAUGH
Thank you so much for helping.
Thanks.
SHE SIGHS
Arm touch. SHE EXHALES
BAND STARTS TO PLAY
At least my son is in the Youthy Band.
What's your excuse? HE CHUCKLES
SHE GROANS
I'm helping the priest.
Wow, you do love a challenge, don't you?
THEY CHUCKLE
Hey, I just want to say something.
It's from River Island. I got it last week.
No, I want to say that I'm sorry for saying what I said.
I'm sorry for what you went through.
I'm sorry.
I know what you're doing. I'm not gonna say it.
I'm just saying sorry. - I'm not gonna say it.
I'm sorry.
Mm-mm.
OK.
And thank you.
She and I have never been better.
Oh. - You had a big part in that.
THEY CHUCKLE - I'm happy for you.
I'm happy you've found a way to deflect
from your pitiful, self-sabotaging, ego-driven, masturbatory...
I cannot believe how well this is coming out, pawing
insidious, insidious, overwhelming mediocrity
only to finally figure out that at your very core
you are a... w-weaky.
Damn!
A weaky? - Damn. Damn.
Wow. A weaky. - BAND STOPS PLAYING
APPLAUSE - CROWD CHEERS
In that case, I just wanted you to know
that I'm impressed with how you just keep bouncing back.
I really am. HE CHUCKLES
You're a... strongy.
HE LAUGHS
That was awesome, man!
Creepy Jake. Mainly says things like...
Where's Claire?
And... - Where's Claire?
Well, she couldn't make it, man.
Lucky for us, your aunt is an avid churchgoer.
Hi. Thanks for watching.
Oh, you were excellent.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh. - Ooh.
Careful there, buddy. HE CHUCKLES
You could go down for that sort of behaviour these days.
It was just a hug. - "It was just a hug."
You got to do better than that these days, boy
especially around this firecracker.
But I didn't do... - Come on.
I don't want to be an asshole.
I just want her to be happy.
And she has been really happy.
Until she saw you.
Just saying.
Ow.
SHE SIGHS
IMAGINARY CHOIR SINGS
Psst.
Hi, Jake. Oh. - SINGING STOPS
Tell her to leave him.
What?
Tell her...
to leave him.
He's gonna kill someone one day.
Hey.
Yes, Father. Yes, Father?
I can't believe I'm saying this, but...
Oh, God.
...can I get that coconut back?
They're actually on hire.
Uh, I'm not sure if a lot of them
are even real actually, which is morally a bit dubious.
But we got to make money somehow. Sorry. Thank you.
Thanks. - Knuckle brush.
Uh, also...
I hope you don't mind, but, um...
I've marked a few pages in here
that I thought might be... - Oh, I...
HE LAUGHS
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not trying to...
HE SIGHS They're just words.
OK, it's just I-I think I know what happens.
THEY CHUCKLE
Classic.
Come on, have a read.
I'd like to know what you think.
And if you ever want to...
uh, talk about stuff, I'm here.
With a G&T, of course.
You can come whenever you want.
I'd like you to come.
If it helps.
IMAGINARY CHOIR SINGS
THUNDER CRASHES
THUNDER RUMBLES