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<font color="#ffff00">Provided by explosiveskull</font>
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
M_I_SForEver

2
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The high point of the weekend

3
00:01:04,724 --> 00:01:07,592
was when my St. Bernard fell
through the attic ceiling

4
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and landed on my kitchen table.

5
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This is one of the top 10 things
that's ever happened to me...

6
00:01:18,437 --> 00:01:20,840
...he said,
as he stared at me with those

7
00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,710
cold, blue, sociopathic eyes.

8
00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:26,879
The dog's okay.
He followed me up to the attic...

9
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:28,580
...the Kid added.

10
00:01:28,781 --> 00:01:33,485
The fact that he was doing
cocaine up there he did not add.

11
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I first met The Kid

12
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when he infiltrated
our small town newspaper

13
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right after my wife died.

14
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I say "infiltrated"
because I believe

15
00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:48,768
it was a deliberate action
designed to meet me.

16
00:01:49,102 --> 00:01:50,402
Not that the women
on the newspaper

17
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aren't worth meeting.

18
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They are.

19
00:01:53,206 --> 00:01:54,874
But they're also old.

20
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In some cases, very old.

21
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So unless The Kid always wanted
to sleep with his mother,

22
00:02:00,479 --> 00:02:02,547
or in this particular case,
his grandmother,

23
00:02:02,749 --> 00:02:03,983
then I was it.

24
00:02:04,183 --> 00:02:05,985
This is what I wanted
to point out to you...

25
00:02:06,219 --> 00:02:07,519
As an only child,

26
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,856
I am used to being around
older people.

27
00:02:10,056 --> 00:02:12,491
I am also used to
entertaining myself.

28
00:02:12,692 --> 00:02:15,527
These older people
are very entertaining.

29
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They would argue about
the relationship between

30
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commas, semicolons and periods

31
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of the last newspaper issue

32
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before starting to work
on the next one.

33
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It should have been a semicolon,
not a period...

34
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That's all there is to it.

35
00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:27,439
It's no wonder
their husbands are dead.

36
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They never had a chance.

37
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Here I am in the middle
of all this,

38
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thinking that my life
is nothing more than

39
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one long, run-on sentence...

40
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- I was an editor...
- Assistant editor.

41
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...when he appears.

42
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I knew your husband
was cheating on you.

43
00:02:46,025 --> 00:02:48,795
Everyone knew my husband
was cheating on me.

44
00:02:48,995 --> 00:02:49,962
Except you.

45
00:02:50,163 --> 00:02:51,664
Including me!

46
00:02:52,064 --> 00:02:54,767
I don't know what I'd do
if my husband cheated on me.

47
00:02:54,967 --> 00:02:56,035
Oh yeah?

48
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Stick around and find out.

49
00:02:58,704 --> 00:02:59,138
Now!

50
00:02:59,739 --> 00:03:02,541
I see we're a little short
on obituaries.

51
00:03:02,742 --> 00:03:04,010
Anyone have any ideas?

52
00:03:04,342 --> 00:03:06,511
I haven't seen
my neighbor in a while.

53
00:03:06,712 --> 00:03:07,814
Can you go over and check?

54
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:12,450
I have seen a car parked outside
late at night that I don't know.

55
00:03:12,652 --> 00:03:13,186
Woah...

56
00:03:13,853 --> 00:03:17,023
Sounds like he's either dead
or has a new girlfriend.

57
00:03:17,223 --> 00:03:18,691
Hah!

58
00:03:18,724 --> 00:03:20,960
I know the guy
you're talking about.

59
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,328
He couldn't afford to move
so he's living

60
00:03:23,528 --> 00:03:26,032
with his girlfriend
on the second floor.

61
00:03:26,232 --> 00:03:28,835
- That's her car.
- That's her car?

62
00:03:29,035 --> 00:03:30,569
Where's the wife living?

63
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On the first floor.

64
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He's alive.

65
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Next!

66
00:03:38,476 --> 00:03:41,379
Ladies, I'm sorry to interrupt
but we have a guest.

67
00:03:41,580 --> 00:03:43,783
Oh, yes, everyone...

68
00:03:43,983 --> 00:03:46,819
This is our new neighbor,
who wants to join the newspaper.

69
00:03:47,019 --> 00:03:48,120
Show of hands?

70
00:03:50,990 --> 00:03:52,892
Congratulations, young man.

71
00:03:53,726 --> 00:03:54,994
You're in.

72
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- Is it always like that?
- Like what?

73
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That intense.

74
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,010
You think old ladies bickering
about semicolons is intense?

75
00:04:11,210 --> 00:04:12,477
You must be from New Jersey.

76
00:04:12,678 --> 00:04:13,511
I am, actually.

77
00:04:13,713 --> 00:04:14,647
And you just moved to New York?

78
00:04:14,847 --> 00:04:17,382
It's not that far really.
It's only a few miles.

79
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It's a different world.

80
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- Oop, sorry.
- That's okay.

81
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I like the way you smoke.

82
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Ah, it's a bad habit.

83
00:04:27,793 --> 00:04:29,394
Not on you though.
It makes you look confident.

84
00:04:29,594 --> 00:04:30,863
I don't need to smoke
to look confident.

85
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I am confident.

86
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- You never smoked?
- Once...

87
00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:36,568
When I was 19.

88
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I failed miserably at it.

89
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Yeah, my wife
doesn't smoke either.

90
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You married?

91
00:04:41,606 --> 00:04:44,176
Yeah, seven years.
We met in high school

92
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- How old are you?
- 31. And you?

93
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Mmm...

94
00:04:48,648 --> 00:04:49,649
Not 31.

95
00:04:52,852 --> 00:04:55,420
Oh look, mushrooms.

96
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Ha-hah...

97
00:05:07,233 --> 00:05:08,433
Ahhh...

98
00:05:09,669 --> 00:05:11,704
Such an unusual species, too.

99
00:05:12,305 --> 00:05:14,539
Yeah, there's all kinds of
strange species around here.

100
00:05:14,740 --> 00:05:16,909
The Mycological Society
will really like this.

101
00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:19,812
It'll help fellow mushroom
hunters identify their finds.

102
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So that's what you do?

103
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Mmm...

104
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Smell my smoke and you help
people find the right mushroom?

105
00:05:24,951 --> 00:05:27,519
I also raise ducks. It can be
very intimidating, you know.

106
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- You're intimidated by ducks?
- Well...

107
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Is your wife intimidated too?

108
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Well, yes!

109
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I'm beginning to see
the attraction.

110
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It's not the ducks exactly.

111
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It's the satisfaction of having
one need in our lives isolated

112
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from the rest of the world
that we find intimidating.

113
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Most people call that
one need "children."

114
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Yes, but could a child
lay 600 eggs in a year?

115
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Maybe if you had one.

116
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I'm too restless
to have children.

117
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- Is your wife restless too?
- No...

118
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But she likes the ducks for now.

119
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- What about later?
- Later she might move on.

120
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- To a baby?
- To a bee.

121
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She also likes beekeeping.

122
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What happens if you decide
you want to stay with the ducks?

123
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Then we're gonna have a problem.

124
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You ever had them before?

125
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- Before the ducks?
- Yeah.

126
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- And the mushrooms?
- Yeah.

127
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- And the cheating?
- Woah!

128
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No.

129
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That's far enough back.
What happened?

130
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I left her for an older woman,
but it didn't work out.

131
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And?

132
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And she took me back. We got
married very soon after that.

133
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She took you back?

134
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She's very understanding.

135
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I could disappear for two days
and she'd just send me a text

136
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asking if I was all right.

137
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- Have you ever done that?
- Done what?

138
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Disappear.

139
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Once when I went hunting
for tail.

140
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Thought we already covered that?

141
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- No...
- No?

142
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- Un-huh.
- Were you disappointed?

143
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Yes.

144
00:06:26,445 --> 00:06:28,047
Well, you're honest,
I'll give you that.

145
00:06:28,247 --> 00:06:30,515
An Eagle Scout has to be honest.

146
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- You were an Eagle Scout.
- Weren't you?

147
00:06:33,052 --> 00:06:34,987
I would have been if
I'd earned all my badges.

148
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- You didn't earn them?
- No, I bought them..

149
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That must have upset
your parents.

150
00:06:38,124 --> 00:06:40,960
- They gave me the money.
- I could never do that.

151
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:43,095
No, of course not, you were
too busy cheating on your wife.

152
00:06:43,295 --> 00:06:44,864
I wasn't cheating on my wife.

153
00:06:45,064 --> 00:06:46,866
You just told me
you went hunting for tail.

154
00:06:47,066 --> 00:06:50,069
Yes, I did. I went
hunting for bear and moose.

155
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Wait...

156
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So...

157
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You pick mushrooms,
you raise ducks,

158
00:06:59,445 --> 00:07:01,647
but you hunt for bear and moose?

159
00:07:01,847 --> 00:07:03,149
My father likes to go.

160
00:07:03,349 --> 00:07:05,084
You or your father?

161
00:07:06,185 --> 00:07:08,287
Do you like it
or do you have to go?

162
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I have to go.

163
00:07:10,089 --> 00:07:12,725
- Then just don't go.
- I have no choice.

164
00:07:12,925 --> 00:07:14,093
Why?
Because your father says so?

165
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No, because my wife says so.

166
00:07:16,128 --> 00:07:17,229
So you go hunting
with your wife?

167
00:07:17,430 --> 00:07:19,331
No, I go shopping with my wife.

168
00:07:19,832 --> 00:07:23,669
That's why I have to go now.
Besides, you're home anyway.

169
00:07:30,009 --> 00:07:31,343
He even knew where I lived.

170
00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:37,183
I thought that was it
but it wasn't it.

171
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Ohh!

172
00:07:48,828 --> 00:07:49,795
Hah!

173
00:07:52,865 --> 00:07:55,734
As a screenwriter,
I just couldn't pass this up.

174
00:07:56,035 --> 00:07:58,137
So that weekend, I decided
to invite him and his wife

175
00:07:58,337 --> 00:07:59,939
up to my beach house.

176
00:08:00,139 --> 00:08:02,708
I wasn't surprised
when he came alone.

177
00:08:03,242 --> 00:08:05,144
But I was surprised
that after that,

178
00:08:05,344 --> 00:08:07,780
every time I went someplace,
he was there.

179
00:08:07,980 --> 00:08:09,148
And no matter
where he turned up,

180
00:08:09,348 --> 00:08:10,916
he would always say
the same thing:

181
00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:13,152
We're on the same wavelength!

182
00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:17,723
A sushi restaurant, there...

183
00:08:17,923 --> 00:08:19,992
We're on the same wavelength.

184
00:08:22,061 --> 00:08:24,130
A local gym, there...

185
00:08:24,697 --> 00:08:26,398
We're on the same wavelength.

186
00:08:26,599 --> 00:08:28,167
I didn't even cry
when my wife died,

187
00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:31,003
but this kid was making me laugh
until I cried.

188
00:08:31,237 --> 00:08:33,305
We're on the same wavelength.

189
00:08:33,739 --> 00:08:35,741
We're on the same wavelength!

190
00:08:35,941 --> 00:08:38,410
And for that, I was grateful
to feel anything,

191
00:08:38,611 --> 00:08:40,779
and I wanted to feel some more.

192
00:08:42,148 --> 00:08:47,419
S-O-C-I-O...

193
00:08:48,053 --> 00:08:49,288
Okay.

194
00:08:51,857 --> 00:08:53,025
P-A...

195
00:08:53,225 --> 00:08:55,895
Well, there's nothing wrong
with your eyes.

196
00:08:56,095 --> 00:08:56,996
Great.

197
00:08:57,329 --> 00:09:00,366
But I think there might be
something wrong with your mind.

198
00:09:02,268 --> 00:09:03,235
Why?

199
00:09:03,435 --> 00:09:05,905
Because that word
isn't on the chart.

200
00:09:07,873 --> 00:09:09,175
Can you give me a prescription?

201
00:09:09,375 --> 00:09:13,245
I can give you an address.

202
00:09:13,445 --> 00:09:16,248
My brother is a psychiatrist.

203
00:09:16,448 --> 00:09:18,984
Oh no, I don't need him.
I need you.

204
00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:21,921
I can only give you
a pair of frames.

205
00:09:22,121 --> 00:09:23,055
Right...

206
00:09:23,255 --> 00:09:24,857
Do you have anything
intimidating?

207
00:09:25,057 --> 00:09:26,325
Intimidating frames?

208
00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:27,493
Yes.

209
00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:31,230
Something thick and black,
with dark lenses.

210
00:09:31,430 --> 00:09:32,798
Why dark?

211
00:09:32,998 --> 00:09:34,934
Makes it harder to see me.

212
00:09:35,134 --> 00:09:36,468
That's not going to solve
your problem.

213
00:09:36,670 --> 00:09:39,038
No, I know but I'm having dinner
with The Kid tonight and

214
00:09:39,238 --> 00:09:40,973
I think it might just
slow it down.

215
00:09:41,173 --> 00:09:42,741
Are you looking to save money?

216
00:09:43,042 --> 00:09:43,742
Of course.

217
00:09:43,943 --> 00:09:46,378
Then don't see him...

218
00:09:47,980 --> 00:09:50,115
And then you won't need
new glasses.

219
00:09:51,350 --> 00:09:52,785
Thank you.

220
00:09:54,153 --> 00:09:55,955
But I'm a writer...

221
00:09:56,488 --> 00:09:59,959
And I'm still trying
to read between the lines.

222
00:10:15,441 --> 00:10:16,475
Oh!

223
00:10:25,284 --> 00:10:26,986
What is this guy doing?

224
00:10:31,090 --> 00:10:32,791
What's the matter with this guy?

225
00:10:39,098 --> 00:10:41,267
What? What?
What does that mean?

226
00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:45,204
Why don't you...?

227
00:10:45,404 --> 00:10:46,939
Let me pass!

228
00:10:52,278 --> 00:10:54,213
What's the matter with you, huh?

229
00:10:54,413 --> 00:10:55,814
What? Are you psycho?

230
00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:58,550
What does that mean?

231
00:11:03,956 --> 00:11:06,492
Oh, no! C'mon!

232
00:11:23,575 --> 00:11:25,411
- Excuse me...
- Not now.

233
00:11:26,078 --> 00:11:27,513
Library humor.

234
00:11:28,247 --> 00:11:28,981
How can I help?

235
00:11:29,348 --> 00:11:32,384
I'm wondering if you have
any information on...

236
00:11:39,591 --> 00:11:40,559
What?

237
00:11:42,094 --> 00:11:45,030
If you have
any information on...

238
00:11:45,397 --> 00:11:46,965
Sociopaths.

239
00:11:47,166 --> 00:11:49,468
- I still can't hear you.
- Un-huh...

240
00:12:00,379 --> 00:12:01,480
Oh...

241
00:12:01,681 --> 00:12:03,082
My brother-in-law's one.

242
00:12:03,315 --> 00:12:04,483
Follow me.

243
00:12:26,605 --> 00:12:27,873
Here we are.

244
00:12:32,978 --> 00:12:34,480
It's a small section.

245
00:12:34,748 --> 00:12:37,650
Yeah, most of them
live in the city.

246
00:12:38,016 --> 00:12:40,919
There are just
a few stragglers up here.

247
00:12:41,186 --> 00:12:43,422
Now, which shelf?

248
00:12:44,490 --> 00:12:46,225
I don't understand.

249
00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,961
There are different types
of sociopaths.

250
00:12:49,161 --> 00:12:51,397
They each get their own shelves.

251
00:12:51,798 --> 00:12:54,166
What type
is your brother-in-law?

252
00:12:55,501 --> 00:12:56,602
Second shelf.

253
00:12:57,403 --> 00:12:59,639
- That's where I'll start.
- Okay.

254
00:13:19,158 --> 00:13:22,060
As he talks, he stares at you
and holds his gaze

255
00:13:22,261 --> 00:13:24,463
a beat longer than he should.

256
00:13:26,498 --> 00:13:27,700
Why the beat?

257
00:13:27,901 --> 00:13:31,403
Is it to make what he's saying
seem more important?

258
00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,607
Is it to convince himself
that what he's saying

259
00:13:35,809 --> 00:13:39,044
is more important
than what he actually is saying?

260
00:13:39,813 --> 00:13:43,949
Or is it to convince me
that he is as important as me?

261
00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:50,155
Not that I think I'm important.

262
00:13:51,056 --> 00:13:55,327
But if at least one other person
at the table thinks I am,

263
00:13:56,128 --> 00:14:00,700
it puts me in a better mood and
I order an expensive appetizer.

264
00:14:05,571 --> 00:14:07,439
The carpaccio please.

265
00:14:08,340 --> 00:14:10,175
I was thinking of
ordering the duck but...

266
00:14:10,375 --> 00:14:12,478
- Why do you stare?
- Because...

267
00:14:13,312 --> 00:14:14,213
Why do I what?

268
00:14:14,413 --> 00:14:14,881
Stare.

269
00:14:15,547 --> 00:14:17,416
You look at me a bit longer
than you should. Why?

270
00:14:18,083 --> 00:14:21,286
- That's the way I communicate.
- No, that's the way you stare.

271
00:14:21,487 --> 00:14:23,088
The way you talk is different.

272
00:14:23,288 --> 00:14:23,790
How do I talk?

273
00:14:24,256 --> 00:14:25,524
Like someone
who shouldn't be married.

274
00:14:25,725 --> 00:14:27,059
But I am married.

275
00:14:27,326 --> 00:14:29,495
Yeah, I wanted to talk
to you about that.

276
00:14:29,696 --> 00:14:30,996
You talk more than you listen.

277
00:14:31,196 --> 00:14:33,432
I have to talk,
I'm The Narrator.

278
00:14:33,633 --> 00:14:36,301
Now it's been my experience,

279
00:14:36,636 --> 00:14:38,170
with women, at least,

280
00:14:38,370 --> 00:14:40,707
that if she orders white wine
she's classy.

281
00:14:40,907 --> 00:14:43,041
If she orders red wine,
she has class,

282
00:14:43,242 --> 00:14:44,443
but can get a little wild.

283
00:14:44,644 --> 00:14:47,714
And if she orders rosé,
she's a slut.

284
00:14:47,947 --> 00:14:49,481
I'll have the rosé.

285
00:14:51,450 --> 00:14:52,719
Tap water for me, please.

286
00:14:57,556 --> 00:14:58,624
Does your wife order rosé?

287
00:14:58,825 --> 00:15:00,693
- No, she orders white.
- Hmm.

288
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:03,630
Who are you smiling at?

289
00:15:03,997 --> 00:15:06,431
This older woman over there
who keeps looking at us.

290
00:15:06,633 --> 00:15:08,166
You like older women, right?

291
00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:08,835
I did.

292
00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:10,637
Ever been to a cougar club?

293
00:15:10,837 --> 00:15:12,271
- A what?
- A cougar club.

294
00:15:12,471 --> 00:15:15,240
A place where younger guys
go to meet older women.

295
00:15:15,507 --> 00:15:16,375
I have.

296
00:15:16,575 --> 00:15:17,777
Oh, what happened?

297
00:15:20,112 --> 00:15:20,579
Not much.

298
00:15:21,313 --> 00:15:23,048
Your last three responses
have been two-word answers,

299
00:15:23,248 --> 00:15:26,184
which tells me that
something very much did happen.

300
00:15:26,686 --> 00:15:27,787
I went in,

301
00:15:27,987 --> 00:15:29,321
I met somebody.

302
00:15:29,521 --> 00:15:31,223
I bought her a drink.

303
00:15:32,524 --> 00:15:33,726
She sat on my lap.

304
00:15:36,228 --> 00:15:36,796
I left.

305
00:15:36,996 --> 00:15:38,564
- Alone?
- I left.

306
00:15:38,765 --> 00:15:40,700
- Back to two words.
- I left alone.

307
00:15:40,900 --> 00:15:42,367
Three words. That's better.

308
00:15:42,568 --> 00:15:44,236
- Was this recent?
- Recent enough.

309
00:15:44,436 --> 00:15:46,471
"Recent enough."

310
00:15:48,540 --> 00:15:49,642
Do you think that's fair
to your wife?

311
00:15:49,842 --> 00:15:50,442
Nothing happened.

312
00:15:50,877 --> 00:15:52,277
But the thought that something
could happen,

313
00:15:52,477 --> 00:15:54,580
- that was enough for you?
- For now.

314
00:15:54,781 --> 00:15:57,215
I'm trying to get you from
now to later a little faster.

315
00:15:57,416 --> 00:15:58,216
Why?

316
00:16:25,277 --> 00:16:27,479
Have you ever read
"The Sociopath Next Door?"

317
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,381
I don't live next door.

318
00:16:30,049 --> 00:16:31,718
Nevertheless, have you read it?

319
00:16:33,352 --> 00:16:34,020
No.

320
00:16:34,053 --> 00:16:36,355
Do you know what a sociopath is?

321
00:16:37,556 --> 00:16:38,357
No.

322
00:16:38,390 --> 00:16:40,592
You'd say no
even if you did know.

323
00:16:41,027 --> 00:16:43,830
Lack of conscience
is the biggest trait.

324
00:16:44,529 --> 00:16:46,264
One in 25 people is a sociopath.

325
00:16:46,465 --> 00:16:47,466
What are you saying?

326
00:16:47,667 --> 00:16:48,668
I'm saying
I just did a head count

327
00:16:48,868 --> 00:16:50,870
and it doesn't look good
for you.

328
00:16:52,571 --> 00:16:53,138
I have a conscience.

329
00:16:53,438 --> 00:16:54,741
Did you develop this
before or after

330
00:16:54,941 --> 00:16:56,341
you let my dog
fall through the ceiling?

331
00:16:56,541 --> 00:16:57,142
That wasn't my fault.

332
00:16:57,542 --> 00:16:58,811
What were you doing
up in the attic anyway?

333
00:16:59,012 --> 00:16:59,611
I was doing blow.

334
00:17:00,013 --> 00:17:00,780
Why didn't you just
do it downstairs?

335
00:17:01,346 --> 00:17:03,181
'Cause there's lots of dog hair
downstairs and I'm allergic.

336
00:17:03,382 --> 00:17:05,550
Be allergic to shellfish.
Not to my dog.

337
00:17:05,752 --> 00:17:08,553
- Clams on the half shell?
- Me.

338
00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:26,706
Tell me about your wife.

339
00:17:26,906 --> 00:17:27,807
Not much to tell really.

340
00:17:28,041 --> 00:17:29,942
Oh god, I hate people
who start stories that way.

341
00:17:30,143 --> 00:17:31,911
I'm only 31,
so it's gonna be a short story.

342
00:17:32,111 --> 00:17:33,913
- I prefer novels.
- That's because you're older.

343
00:17:34,113 --> 00:17:34,947
Is that a crack about my age?

344
00:17:35,347 --> 00:17:37,482
The photo on your driver's
license wasn't recent.

345
00:17:37,684 --> 00:17:38,517
And you saw
my driver's license when?

346
00:17:38,851 --> 00:17:39,752
When I was looking for
something to cut the coke with.

347
00:17:40,053 --> 00:17:42,220
- You went into my wallet?
- You left it lying around.

348
00:17:42,421 --> 00:17:43,856
I most certainly did not
leave it lying around,

349
00:17:44,057 --> 00:17:45,758
certainly not
when you're around.

350
00:17:45,958 --> 00:17:47,526
Are you saying
you don't trust me?

351
00:17:47,727 --> 00:17:49,829
You let my dog fall through
the kitchen ceiling!

352
00:17:50,029 --> 00:17:51,798
You didn't apologize
or offer me any money to fix it!

353
00:17:51,998 --> 00:17:52,899
Of course I don't trust you...

354
00:17:53,099 --> 00:17:54,466
Well, it was your fault.

355
00:17:54,667 --> 00:17:55,534
How was it my fault?
I was in the bathroom.

356
00:17:55,835 --> 00:17:57,937
Exactly. It was your fault
you were in the bathroom.

357
00:17:58,137 --> 00:17:59,237
If you'd come up
to the attic with me,

358
00:17:59,438 --> 00:18:00,173
then nothing
would have happened.

359
00:18:00,372 --> 00:18:02,274
I think you wanted
something to happen.

360
00:18:02,474 --> 00:18:04,209
- Between me and the dog?
- Between me and you.

361
00:18:05,111 --> 00:18:06,445
I don't know
what you're talking about.

362
00:18:06,646 --> 00:18:07,780
Really?
I think that you do.

363
00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:08,881
What kind of a person comes over

364
00:18:09,581 --> 00:18:11,516
to somebody's house for the weekend
with just the clothes on his back?

365
00:18:11,718 --> 00:18:12,819
I left from work.
I didn't have time to pack.

366
00:18:13,019 --> 00:18:14,954
Goes up into a hot attic
with a candle

367
00:18:15,154 --> 00:18:17,322
and proceeds to do
12 lines of coke.

368
00:18:17,522 --> 00:18:18,356
The candle was your idea.

369
00:18:18,557 --> 00:18:20,693
And doesn't offer to pay for it.

370
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:22,762
- The candle?
- The coke!

371
00:18:22,995 --> 00:18:24,362
You counted the lines?

372
00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:26,331
I bought the cocaine!

373
00:18:26,531 --> 00:18:27,867
I count the things I pay for!

374
00:18:28,067 --> 00:18:29,534
Lower your voice.

375
00:18:30,169 --> 00:18:31,738
People are beginning to stare.

376
00:18:32,972 --> 00:18:34,239
Oh, yeah?

377
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:35,708
How do you like it?

378
00:18:36,274 --> 00:18:38,543
I'd like it better
if we were at a strip club.

379
00:18:38,745 --> 00:18:39,377
What are you talking...?

380
00:18:39,679 --> 00:18:42,247
You know what?
Never mind. Why is that?

381
00:18:42,447 --> 00:18:43,683
Because I like staring
a stripper down

382
00:18:43,883 --> 00:18:44,884
when she's on stage.

383
00:18:45,118 --> 00:18:48,620
I can usually intimidate her
into doing anything I want.

384
00:18:48,821 --> 00:18:50,690
Too bad she isn't a duck.

385
00:18:50,890 --> 00:18:52,859
Does your wife know
you go to strip clubs?

386
00:18:53,059 --> 00:18:54,426
I don't tell her everything.

387
00:18:54,627 --> 00:18:55,762
Is that where
you picked up your little habit?

388
00:18:55,962 --> 00:18:57,496
- What habit?
- Your attic habit.

389
00:18:57,697 --> 00:18:58,296
I'm not an addict.

390
00:18:58,530 --> 00:18:59,932
You said "addict."
I said "attic."

391
00:19:00,133 --> 00:19:01,433
I'd really like to go
upstairs again.

392
00:19:01,634 --> 00:19:02,668
I don't want an addict
in my attic!

393
00:19:02,869 --> 00:19:03,502
I'll stay downstairs.

394
00:19:03,903 --> 00:19:05,337
I wouldn't let you
back in my house without

395
00:19:05,537 --> 00:19:06,806
a security deposit.

396
00:19:07,106 --> 00:19:08,540
Remember the next morning
when I asked you if

397
00:19:08,741 --> 00:19:10,342
you wanted something to eat
or some coffee?

398
00:19:10,542 --> 00:19:11,010
I remember.

399
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:11,978
Do you remember what you said?

400
00:19:12,477 --> 00:19:14,579
I said "I don't have anything
when I first get up."

401
00:19:14,781 --> 00:19:15,982
That's right.

402
00:19:16,015 --> 00:19:17,917
Then 10 minutes later when
we drove to my neighbor's house

403
00:19:18,117 --> 00:19:20,820
to go clamming and she
offered you coffee, you said...

404
00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:22,487
Oh, yes please.

405
00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:25,457
Don't give me the eyes!

406
00:19:25,658 --> 00:19:26,926
I said,

407
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,696
"Not when I first get up."

408
00:19:32,397 --> 00:19:33,733
I didn't say it like that.

409
00:19:33,933 --> 00:19:35,433
That's exactly how you said it.

410
00:19:35,735 --> 00:19:36,636
I didn't mean anything by it.

411
00:19:36,869 --> 00:19:39,639
That's exactly what you say
when you get caught.

412
00:19:39,839 --> 00:19:40,907
Remember the first thing
you said to me

413
00:19:41,107 --> 00:19:42,474
after the dog
fell through the ceiling?

414
00:19:42,675 --> 00:19:43,743
I don't remember.

415
00:19:43,943 --> 00:19:45,678
You said, "This is one of
the top 10 things

416
00:19:45,878 --> 00:19:47,579
"that has ever happened to me."

417
00:19:48,981 --> 00:19:49,682
It was.

418
00:19:50,917 --> 00:19:51,583
Do you want to hear
the other 9?

419
00:19:52,018 --> 00:19:54,854
No, I'm 41 years old
and that's not the point.

420
00:19:55,054 --> 00:19:56,521
What is the point?

421
00:19:56,722 --> 00:19:58,090
The point is
you weren't concerned

422
00:19:58,291 --> 00:20:00,559
about anything but yourself.

423
00:20:04,396 --> 00:20:05,698
That's the way I've always been.

424
00:20:05,965 --> 00:20:07,633
Is your wife as unconcerned?

425
00:20:07,834 --> 00:20:10,502
- She's very concerned.
- She should be.

426
00:20:11,037 --> 00:20:12,839
I don't know how
she puts up with you, kid.

427
00:20:13,039 --> 00:20:14,140
Don't call me kid.
I have a name.

428
00:20:14,372 --> 00:20:18,410
I know you have a name, I just
can't bring myself to say it.

429
00:20:20,780 --> 00:20:21,379
Why not?

430
00:20:21,613 --> 00:20:22,815
It implies
a sense of familiarity

431
00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:23,683
between the two of us

432
00:20:23,983 --> 00:20:24,616
that I'm not at all
comfortable with.

433
00:20:24,851 --> 00:20:27,987
No, you and I
are on a strictly...

434
00:20:28,888 --> 00:20:30,522
pronoun name basis.

435
00:20:30,890 --> 00:20:32,557
Can I call you by your name?

436
00:20:32,758 --> 00:20:34,894
No, I'd be equally
uncomfortable with that.

437
00:20:35,094 --> 00:20:36,428
Okay...

438
00:20:36,729 --> 00:20:37,395
Kid.

439
00:20:37,897 --> 00:20:40,933
See? You can't even come up
with anything original.

440
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:42,802
Okay...

441
00:20:43,336 --> 00:20:45,037
- Friend.
- Friend?

442
00:20:45,238 --> 00:20:46,504
You're a neighbor.

443
00:20:46,706 --> 00:20:47,572
Pal?

444
00:20:47,773 --> 00:20:48,975
Don't tell me what to call you.

445
00:20:49,175 --> 00:20:50,575
Well, somebody
has to make a decision.

446
00:20:50,776 --> 00:20:53,012
- Have we decided?
- Yes, we have.

447
00:20:57,016 --> 00:20:59,517
I'll have the prime rib
and the sociopath here

448
00:20:59,719 --> 00:21:02,520
will have the pasta
from the children's menu.

449
00:21:05,658 --> 00:21:06,859
Very good, sir.

450
00:21:09,494 --> 00:21:11,030
Oh, I like those glasses.

451
00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:12,564
But I can hardly see you though.

452
00:21:12,765 --> 00:21:13,465
That's the point.

453
00:21:13,666 --> 00:21:14,166
I wear contacts.

454
00:21:14,634 --> 00:21:17,103
And that's how I can see
right through you.

455
00:21:20,139 --> 00:21:22,041
You don't have to order for me.
I'm not a child.

456
00:21:22,241 --> 00:21:22,875
Do you remember what you said

457
00:21:23,276 --> 00:21:24,844
the first time
I gave you a ride in my truck?

458
00:21:25,044 --> 00:21:27,146
I said,
"Where are you taking me?"

459
00:21:27,512 --> 00:21:28,381
That's right.

460
00:21:28,781 --> 00:21:30,983
Don't you think you should
have said, "Where are we going?"

461
00:21:31,183 --> 00:21:33,085
- I did.
- No, you didn't.

462
00:21:33,286 --> 00:21:34,887
You said,
"Where are you taking me."

463
00:21:35,087 --> 00:21:36,588
- It's the same thing.
- No, it isn't.

464
00:21:36,789 --> 00:21:37,790
"Where are we going?"
is two friends

465
00:21:37,990 --> 00:21:38,958
going out for a night
on the town.

466
00:21:39,292 --> 00:21:42,995
"Where are you taking me?" is
two friends going home to bed.

467
00:21:43,195 --> 00:21:44,562
What are you saying?

468
00:21:44,764 --> 00:21:46,065
I'm saying that
this is turning into

469
00:21:46,265 --> 00:21:48,533
a gay relationship
without the sex.

470
00:21:49,068 --> 00:21:50,435
Eeehh...

471
00:21:55,041 --> 00:21:57,843
- What was that?
- An allergy.

472
00:22:00,112 --> 00:22:01,948
Are you saying I'm gay?

473
00:22:02,148 --> 00:22:03,783
I'm saying that you

474
00:22:03,983 --> 00:22:05,685
are about as straight
as this corkscrew.

475
00:22:05,885 --> 00:22:07,053
Now what do you want?

476
00:22:07,253 --> 00:22:08,788
What do you want?

477
00:22:14,961 --> 00:22:17,630
Excuse me, fellas.

478
00:22:17,830 --> 00:22:21,167
But have either of you read,
The Sociopath Next Door because

479
00:22:21,367 --> 00:22:22,969
- Shut up!
- Shut up!

480
00:22:26,839 --> 00:22:29,607
- Why are you mirroring me?
- It's you that's mirroring me.

481
00:22:29,809 --> 00:22:31,911
Oh my God, you're even
mirroring my mirrors.

482
00:22:32,111 --> 00:22:33,611
If you would have asked me
first what I wanted,

483
00:22:33,813 --> 00:22:35,114
it would've been easier
for me to say "your wife."

484
00:22:35,314 --> 00:22:36,548
But since you asked me
after I asked you,

485
00:22:36,749 --> 00:22:37,482
it's much more difficult
to answer.

486
00:22:37,783 --> 00:22:40,720
Regardless of who asked
the question first...

487
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:42,888
you just answered it.

488
00:22:50,963 --> 00:22:52,564
You tricked me into answering.

489
00:22:52,765 --> 00:22:53,899
I didn't trick you.

490
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:57,069
You got me so frustrated
that I blew.

491
00:22:57,269 --> 00:22:58,603
Somebody had to make a decision.

492
00:22:58,804 --> 00:22:59,271
Wow.

493
00:22:59,537 --> 00:23:01,841
Spoken like a true sociopath.

494
00:23:02,375 --> 00:23:03,776
You make me think
that I'm in control

495
00:23:03,976 --> 00:23:05,644
and all the while,
you're actually in control.

496
00:23:05,878 --> 00:23:06,912
I'm sure I don't know
what you mean.

497
00:23:07,179 --> 00:23:09,982
I'm sure that you do and now
you're gonna gaslight me.

498
00:23:10,983 --> 00:23:12,118
"Gaslight?"

499
00:23:12,318 --> 00:23:13,719
Yeah, it's named
after an old movie

500
00:23:13,919 --> 00:23:15,087
where a husband
drives his wife insane

501
00:23:15,287 --> 00:23:17,056
by making her doubt herself.

502
00:23:17,256 --> 00:23:19,058
You make me doubt myself.

503
00:23:19,392 --> 00:23:22,594
- You're mimicking me.
- You're mimicking me.

504
00:23:28,134 --> 00:23:30,202
Maybe we're both sociopaths.

505
00:23:31,270 --> 00:23:32,838
That's impossible.

506
00:23:33,039 --> 00:23:34,173
There's not enough people
in the room

507
00:23:34,373 --> 00:23:36,142
for there to be two of us.

508
00:23:37,176 --> 00:23:38,778
Did you count the bar?

509
00:23:42,314 --> 00:23:43,949
No, I did not.

510
00:23:44,750 --> 00:23:46,719
I did not count the bar.

511
00:23:57,863 --> 00:23:59,765
We need another 25.

512
00:23:59,965 --> 00:24:02,201
- Does the bartender count?
- The bartender counts.

513
00:24:02,401 --> 00:24:04,637
Did you get the guy talking
to himself in the corner?

514
00:24:04,837 --> 00:24:05,905
Yeah, I counted him.

515
00:24:06,105 --> 00:24:07,773
- He could be the one.
- Too obvious.

516
00:24:07,973 --> 00:24:09,875
They usually blend in.

517
00:24:11,210 --> 00:24:12,344
Hold on.

518
00:24:20,386 --> 00:24:21,720
Nah, it's okay.
You can go.

519
00:24:25,191 --> 00:24:26,659
I count 17.

520
00:24:26,859 --> 00:24:28,894
Yeah, I got the same count.

521
00:24:29,095 --> 00:24:30,162
Not enough.

522
00:24:30,796 --> 00:24:32,865
Well, one of us
is off the hook.

523
00:24:33,065 --> 00:24:35,901
Not so fast.
We gotta check the bathrooms.

524
00:24:36,202 --> 00:24:37,970
I'm gonna go look
in the men's room.

525
00:24:38,170 --> 00:24:39,939
Why can't I take the men's room?

526
00:24:40,139 --> 00:24:42,208
Because you're gonna go talk
to that woman over there.

527
00:24:42,408 --> 00:24:44,009
She's gonna go check
the ladies room.

528
00:24:44,210 --> 00:24:45,678
That's why.

529
00:25:04,363 --> 00:25:06,132
Can I buy you a drink?

530
00:25:06,332 --> 00:25:08,701
- What are you, 12?
- I'm 31.

531
00:25:09,301 --> 00:25:11,103
Is that guy
your father over there?

532
00:25:11,303 --> 00:25:12,738
No, he's my friend...

533
00:25:12,938 --> 00:25:14,874
Ah, pal, ah...

534
00:25:15,074 --> 00:25:17,943
Neighbor... God!
I don't know who he is.

535
00:25:18,144 --> 00:25:20,079
Well, this is off
to a good start.

536
00:25:23,015 --> 00:25:24,783
Can I see some ID?

537
00:25:26,051 --> 00:25:28,354
I was just having dinner
over there.

538
00:25:28,554 --> 00:25:31,757
That was over there,
this is over here.

539
00:25:31,957 --> 00:25:33,259
ID?

540
00:25:42,234 --> 00:25:43,802
I'll have a rosé...

541
00:25:44,003 --> 00:25:46,705
I mean, I'll have a white wine.

542
00:25:46,939 --> 00:25:48,040
That's too bad.

543
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,709
- I'm having red.
- I'll have red.

544
00:25:50,910 --> 00:25:52,978
Any particular kind?

545
00:25:53,746 --> 00:25:55,414
I'm having the kind
that bears my name.

546
00:25:55,614 --> 00:25:58,184
I'll have her.
I mean I'll have that.

547
00:25:59,318 --> 00:26:02,988
There were two more in
the men's room. That's 19.

548
00:26:03,522 --> 00:26:04,790
Ma'am.

549
00:26:10,162 --> 00:26:11,697
19?

550
00:26:11,964 --> 00:26:14,900
Ah, yes, my 19th birthday,
it was great.

551
00:26:15,100 --> 00:26:17,303
We were talking
about that before.

552
00:26:17,503 --> 00:26:18,938
Before what?

553
00:26:20,806 --> 00:26:23,142
Before... the before.

554
00:26:23,976 --> 00:26:26,145
Well, that's clear.

555
00:26:26,345 --> 00:26:27,846
- You married?
- Basically, yes.

556
00:26:28,047 --> 00:26:29,181
- You understand?
- No...

557
00:26:29,381 --> 00:26:30,983
But it's consistent.

558
00:26:38,057 --> 00:26:39,758
Can I ask you a question?

559
00:26:39,959 --> 00:26:42,228
Married, three times, one kid.

560
00:26:42,428 --> 00:26:45,965
Wow, that's not
what I was gonna ask.

561
00:26:46,165 --> 00:26:47,900
Impossible.
They what they all ask.

562
00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:49,935
It wouldn't even occur to me
to ask that.

563
00:26:50,135 --> 00:26:52,238
So you're saying
you're different?

564
00:26:52,438 --> 00:26:53,505
No, you're saying I'm different.

565
00:26:53,707 --> 00:26:54,873
So what are you saying?

566
00:26:55,074 --> 00:26:56,041
I'm saying hello.

567
00:26:56,242 --> 00:26:57,076
Hello!

568
00:26:57,977 --> 00:26:58,911
Yep...

569
00:26:59,545 --> 00:27:01,313
- You are different.
- A little.

570
00:27:01,513 --> 00:27:04,083
- How little?
- Largely... little.

571
00:27:05,084 --> 00:27:08,254
Does your "basically married"
wife talk the same way you do?

572
00:27:08,454 --> 00:27:10,055
She doesn't talk that much.

573
00:27:10,256 --> 00:27:12,925
Maybe 'cause she doesn't know
what to say.

574
00:27:13,125 --> 00:27:15,194
I'd say you're very attractive.

575
00:27:15,394 --> 00:27:16,562
I'd say you're not wearing
a wedding ring.

576
00:27:16,762 --> 00:27:20,332
I'd say I'm not wearing a ring
because you're very attractive.

577
00:27:20,532 --> 00:27:21,767
Mmm...

578
00:27:21,967 --> 00:27:23,135
See?

579
00:27:23,335 --> 00:27:24,937
You're not that different.

580
00:27:25,137 --> 00:27:26,438
I guess not...

581
00:27:27,873 --> 00:27:29,508
Except for one little thing.

582
00:27:29,709 --> 00:27:31,377
Oh yeah, what's that?

583
00:27:31,977 --> 00:27:34,413
I have a thing for bathrooms.

584
00:27:38,284 --> 00:27:39,551
Men's?

585
00:27:42,121 --> 00:27:43,222
No.

586
00:27:47,326 --> 00:27:49,361
Oh God, I was watching you
all through dinner, you know.

587
00:27:49,561 --> 00:27:50,796
I heard.

588
00:27:50,829 --> 00:27:53,465
When you took that bread stick
and shoved it in the guy's face,

589
00:27:53,667 --> 00:27:55,134
my God, it really
did something to me.

590
00:27:55,334 --> 00:27:58,103
- No, I hope you're okay.
- I will be.

591
00:28:01,907 --> 00:28:04,009
God, I love a man in red pants.

592
00:28:04,209 --> 00:28:05,477
- I hope you're privileged.
- I am...

593
00:28:05,679 --> 00:28:06,612
My family has money.

594
00:28:06,979 --> 00:28:09,815
Oh, that's not the kind of
privilege I was talking about.

595
00:28:10,015 --> 00:28:11,483
Were your husbands privileged?

596
00:28:11,685 --> 00:28:13,852
Underprivileged.
That's why we got divorced.

597
00:28:14,053 --> 00:28:15,020
I'm happily married.

598
00:28:15,220 --> 00:28:16,588
Yeah, in a woman's bathroom?

599
00:28:16,790 --> 00:28:19,058
If I told you why I'm here,
you wouldn't believe it.

600
00:28:19,258 --> 00:28:20,225
I believe almost anything.

601
00:28:25,531 --> 00:28:26,332
Excuse me.

602
00:28:26,532 --> 00:28:28,200
- Are you alone?
- Yes!

603
00:28:29,968 --> 00:28:32,304
My boyfriend
left me this morning.

604
00:28:33,572 --> 00:28:35,941
It's a horrible situation.

605
00:28:37,376 --> 00:28:38,610
Horrible.

606
00:28:40,245 --> 00:28:42,848
And it doesn't look good.

607
00:28:46,653 --> 00:28:49,154
No. I meant,
"Are you working alone?"

608
00:28:50,322 --> 00:28:52,091
Oh, yeah...

609
00:28:53,492 --> 00:28:55,361
Another tap water?

610
00:29:01,100 --> 00:29:02,368
Why do they call it Happy Hour?

611
00:29:02,568 --> 00:29:03,636
I don't know.

612
00:29:04,570 --> 00:29:07,206
You think people are
really happy during that hour?

613
00:29:07,406 --> 00:29:09,241
I told you I don't know.

614
00:29:09,642 --> 00:29:11,944
The sign was here
when I bought the place.

615
00:29:12,511 --> 00:29:14,580
An hour is a long time,

616
00:29:14,781 --> 00:29:16,582
especially to be happy.

617
00:29:17,717 --> 00:29:19,485
I'd rather be sad.

618
00:29:19,686 --> 00:29:21,053
Why?

619
00:29:22,621 --> 00:29:24,556
There's no time limit.

620
00:29:29,696 --> 00:29:32,665
I'm trying to find out
if I'm a sociopath.

621
00:29:32,866 --> 00:29:35,100
A sociopath, really?

622
00:29:35,769 --> 00:29:38,270
I doubt it because there's
not enough of us in here.

623
00:29:38,470 --> 00:29:40,038
How do you know
about sociopaths?

624
00:29:40,239 --> 00:29:41,240
Who doesn't know
about sociopaths?

625
00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:43,008
- I didn't.
- Well, you wouldn't...

626
00:29:43,208 --> 00:29:44,042
if you are one.

627
00:29:44,243 --> 00:29:45,678
I've heard that before.

628
00:29:47,079 --> 00:29:48,447
Ahh, all clear.

629
00:29:48,815 --> 00:29:51,550
- Are we good to go?
- We stand at 19.

630
00:29:51,751 --> 00:29:54,520
Okay, we're still on
the nineteen thing.

631
00:29:55,722 --> 00:29:58,056
Happy Birthday...

632
00:30:18,477 --> 00:30:21,180
There was nobody else
in the bathroom.

633
00:30:21,380 --> 00:30:23,582
But five more
were in the kitchen.

634
00:30:23,783 --> 00:30:25,117
One short.

635
00:30:26,018 --> 00:30:27,152
24...

636
00:30:27,352 --> 00:30:28,520
Too bad for you.

637
00:30:35,227 --> 00:30:37,029
25...

638
00:30:38,497 --> 00:30:40,199
Too bad for you.

639
00:30:44,536 --> 00:30:48,607
- You like older vehicles, too?
- I don't like to depreciate.

640
00:30:48,942 --> 00:30:51,143
Who in the world does?

641
00:30:53,145 --> 00:30:54,446
What did you say
you do again?

642
00:30:54,647 --> 00:30:55,648
I didn't.

643
00:30:55,849 --> 00:30:58,050
Oh-oh, back to
the two-word answers.

644
00:30:58,250 --> 00:30:58,952
After what you just
put me through,

645
00:30:59,251 --> 00:31:00,018
you're lucky I'm talking
to you at all.

646
00:31:00,586 --> 00:31:02,755
- After what I put YOU through?
- I'm not the one after my wife.

647
00:31:02,956 --> 00:31:05,023
Don't you have your own wife?

648
00:31:05,424 --> 00:31:07,092
I did. She died.

649
00:31:08,060 --> 00:31:09,228
I'm sorry.

650
00:31:09,461 --> 00:31:11,463
I assume she drank white wine?

651
00:31:11,664 --> 00:31:12,699
All the time.

652
00:31:13,766 --> 00:31:16,034
Too much of the time, actually.

653
00:31:16,435 --> 00:31:18,003
Were you happy?

654
00:31:18,370 --> 00:31:19,772
An old car is like
an old marriage.

655
00:31:19,973 --> 00:31:20,439
After a while,

656
00:31:21,173 --> 00:31:23,342
you don't even realize
it's not working properly.

657
00:31:23,542 --> 00:31:24,543
I see.

658
00:31:24,744 --> 00:31:26,345
How do you see? You're 31.

659
00:31:26,545 --> 00:31:27,346
You're only 41.

660
00:31:27,647 --> 00:31:29,615
- But I've seen more.
- So I've seen less?

661
00:31:29,816 --> 00:31:31,283
A lot less.
Surprisingly less.

662
00:31:31,483 --> 00:31:32,719
- I like surprises.
- Yeah?

663
00:31:32,919 --> 00:31:35,487
When your wife leaves you,
don't be surprised.

664
00:31:36,255 --> 00:31:38,524
This guy behind me
is in for a surprise.

665
00:31:38,725 --> 00:31:41,460
- He's following me too close.
- Careful...

666
00:31:41,661 --> 00:31:44,096
Remember, sociopaths are prone
to sudden outbursts.

667
00:31:44,296 --> 00:31:45,163
Yeah?

668
00:31:46,565 --> 00:31:48,500
Watch this outburst.

669
00:31:59,913 --> 00:32:03,415
Too bad psychiatrists
don't issue gift certificates.

670
00:32:11,925 --> 00:32:12,892
Do you have the money
to tailgate me?

671
00:32:13,091 --> 00:32:15,795
What are you crazy? You could
have caused an accident.

672
00:32:15,995 --> 00:32:17,062
Careful!

673
00:32:17,262 --> 00:32:18,698
He's a sociopath!

674
00:32:18,898 --> 00:32:21,500
I have a sister-in-law
who's one of those.

675
00:32:21,701 --> 00:32:24,369
I really really don't like her.

676
00:32:24,938 --> 00:32:27,239
I don't care about your wife's
sister! I care about my truck!

677
00:32:27,439 --> 00:32:30,576
So let me ask you again, do you
have the money to tailgate me?

678
00:32:30,777 --> 00:32:33,211
None of your business
how much money I have.

679
00:32:33,412 --> 00:32:34,279
That means you don't.

680
00:32:34,479 --> 00:32:35,815
It also means you don't have
the money to pay

681
00:32:36,015 --> 00:32:38,183
- for my chiropractor.
- What chiropractor?

682
00:32:38,383 --> 00:32:40,787
The chiropractor I'd call if
you hit me from this direction

683
00:32:40,987 --> 00:32:43,088
causing my neck to go
in that direction!

684
00:32:43,288 --> 00:32:45,390
- But I didn't hit you!
- But you could have!

685
00:32:45,591 --> 00:32:46,793
Much the same way
you could have had

686
00:32:46,993 --> 00:32:48,393
a happy marriage.

687
00:32:51,864 --> 00:32:54,366
How do you know
my marriage isn't happy?

688
00:32:54,566 --> 00:32:56,468
You're all hunched over
and too close to the wheel.

689
00:32:56,669 --> 00:32:58,337
You're not getting laid.

690
00:33:01,306 --> 00:33:02,675
I drive this way all the time.

691
00:33:02,875 --> 00:33:04,343
So you haven't been getting laid
for a while?

692
00:33:04,543 --> 00:33:05,611
None of your business!

693
00:33:05,878 --> 00:33:08,681
I'm sure your shortsightedness
isn't helping the situation.

694
00:33:08,881 --> 00:33:10,549
How do you know
I'm short-sighted?

695
00:33:10,750 --> 00:33:12,150
Because when you passed
the merge before,

696
00:33:12,351 --> 00:33:13,853
you waited too long
to put your signal on.

697
00:33:14,053 --> 00:33:14,620
If you had the ability
to look ahead,

698
00:33:15,220 --> 00:33:17,155
you would have seen the obstacle
before you got to it,

699
00:33:17,356 --> 00:33:18,323
which would have put you
in the car in front of me

700
00:33:18,523 --> 00:33:19,726
instead of the car behind me,

701
00:33:19,926 --> 00:33:21,894
which is why
we're at this point.

702
00:33:22,461 --> 00:33:24,764
You figured out all this
from the way I drive?

703
00:33:24,964 --> 00:33:26,231
I told you!

704
00:33:26,431 --> 00:33:27,566
He's crazy.

705
00:33:27,934 --> 00:33:30,302
Yeah, well, how do you drive?

706
00:33:30,903 --> 00:33:31,904
Not close.

707
00:33:32,772 --> 00:33:34,339
I don't like automatics.

708
00:33:34,539 --> 00:33:37,442
I wanted to buy a stick,
my wife wouldn't...

709
00:33:40,445 --> 00:33:41,914
So I was right.

710
00:33:42,347 --> 00:33:44,416
It hasn't been going well...

711
00:33:44,616 --> 00:33:45,885
- Lately.
- Lately?

712
00:33:46,218 --> 00:33:49,454
Well, it hasn't been going well
for a while.

713
00:33:51,623 --> 00:33:53,191
I'm sorry to hear that.

714
00:33:53,392 --> 00:33:55,260
It wasn't always like this!

715
00:33:55,460 --> 00:33:57,897
Two years ago, I would have seen
that merge coming.

716
00:33:58,097 --> 00:34:00,399
Don't be so hard on yourself.
It was a heavy merge.

717
00:34:00,599 --> 00:34:03,168
Don't make excuses.
A merge is a merge.

718
00:34:03,368 --> 00:34:04,403
If that's the way
you feel about it.

719
00:34:04,603 --> 00:34:06,538
That is the way
I feel about it!

720
00:34:06,739 --> 00:34:08,875
See, there are a lot
of indecisive guys out there

721
00:34:09,075 --> 00:34:10,877
in indecisive marriages.

722
00:34:11,110 --> 00:34:14,814
That is why they put
the right turn signal on

723
00:34:15,014 --> 00:34:16,281
before making a left,

724
00:34:16,481 --> 00:34:18,885
and the left one on
before making a right.

725
00:34:19,085 --> 00:34:20,853
I can tell you've put
a lot of thought into it.

726
00:34:21,054 --> 00:34:24,256
Maybe I was supposed to end up
behind you tonight

727
00:34:24,456 --> 00:34:26,625
so you could set me straight.

728
00:34:30,630 --> 00:34:32,732
Do you want to hit me?

729
00:34:33,700 --> 00:34:35,367
I'm not a violent person.

730
00:34:35,567 --> 00:34:38,470
Hey, you could hit my truck?

731
00:34:42,474 --> 00:34:44,911
I mean it might make you
feel better.

732
00:34:46,578 --> 00:34:47,412
Hunh?

733
00:34:47,780 --> 00:34:48,881
Careful.

734
00:34:49,082 --> 00:34:50,282
It's a trick.

735
00:34:51,249 --> 00:34:53,920
What do you usually do
to work out your aggression?

736
00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:55,955
I usually go to the library.

737
00:34:56,221 --> 00:34:57,957
Library's closed.

738
00:34:58,725 --> 00:34:59,926
Hit me!

739
00:35:02,461 --> 00:35:04,463
Ooo, start slow.

740
00:35:04,797 --> 00:35:05,530
Is this good?

741
00:35:05,932 --> 00:35:06,966
Don't talk to me.
I'm not supposed to be here.

742
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,434
I'm supposed to be there,
unaware you're gonna hit me.

743
00:35:09,635 --> 00:35:10,903
I'd rather you be here.

744
00:35:11,104 --> 00:35:12,805
He can't be. That's why
it's called an accident.

745
00:35:13,005 --> 00:35:15,875
Ignore him. Just go slow
like you're on a first date.

746
00:35:16,075 --> 00:35:17,677
- How's this?
- Good!

747
00:35:17,877 --> 00:35:19,511
Now speed up like
you're on the honeymoon.

748
00:35:19,712 --> 00:35:21,613
Boy, this is getting exciting!

749
00:35:21,814 --> 00:35:23,448
Has your life ever
flashed before your eyes?

750
00:35:23,649 --> 00:35:25,383
Once, and I didn't like
what I saw.

751
00:35:25,584 --> 00:35:26,953
Have you ever had
a near-death experience?

752
00:35:27,153 --> 00:35:28,755
I hope I'm about
to have one now.

753
00:35:28,955 --> 00:35:31,389
By the way, why are
you doing this for me?

754
00:35:31,590 --> 00:35:33,291
Because I like to help people.

755
00:35:33,492 --> 00:35:35,460
And it's also not my truck!

756
00:35:35,661 --> 00:35:40,398
- Ahhhh!
- AHHHHHH!

757
00:36:02,621 --> 00:36:05,457
- Doctor, am I going to die?
- Yes!

758
00:36:06,025 --> 00:36:08,728
It's a horrible situation.
Horrible.

759
00:36:08,995 --> 00:36:11,530
And it doesn't look good.

760
00:36:12,198 --> 00:36:15,001
Well, at least I'll be
with my wife.

761
00:36:15,201 --> 00:36:17,536
We'll be putting you under now.

762
00:36:17,737 --> 00:36:19,337
I'm ready.

763
00:36:24,110 --> 00:36:26,679
You're an anesthesiologist?

764
00:36:26,979 --> 00:36:28,748
That's what you do?

765
00:36:28,948 --> 00:36:32,450
See you on the other side.

766
00:36:54,841 --> 00:36:56,976
This is one of the top 10 things
that's ever happened to me.

767
00:36:57,176 --> 00:36:58,845
Did you say something?

768
00:36:59,145 --> 00:37:00,378
No.

769
00:37:00,713 --> 00:37:03,015
Mmmm, I like Febreze...

770
00:37:04,449 --> 00:37:06,018
You want some Febreze?

771
00:37:07,519 --> 00:37:09,621
- I'm good.
- You sure?

772
00:37:09,822 --> 00:37:11,523
I said no.

773
00:37:11,991 --> 00:37:13,993
My wife likes Febreze.

774
00:37:17,096 --> 00:37:19,065
Alright, I'll try it.

775
00:37:19,464 --> 00:37:21,366
That's one of their best ones.

776
00:37:21,566 --> 00:37:24,402
It reminds me of when my wife
and I went on our honeymoon.

777
00:37:24,603 --> 00:37:26,772
You want to know where we went?

778
00:37:31,344 --> 00:37:34,412
- Not especially, no.
- Sicily.

779
00:37:34,714 --> 00:37:37,850
I'm Italian, you know.
Ahh, it was amazing.

780
00:37:38,184 --> 00:37:39,986
So romantic.
Can you imagine?

781
00:37:40,186 --> 00:37:41,553
Linen and Sky.

782
00:37:41,754 --> 00:37:44,123
Hot sun,
beautiful beaches.

783
00:37:44,323 --> 00:37:45,992
Skinny dipping at night...

784
00:37:46,192 --> 00:37:48,694
I don't have
a great imagination.

785
00:37:48,895 --> 00:37:51,563
- Keep it.
- I really don't want to.

786
00:37:52,298 --> 00:37:54,466
Why? I have a lot more scents
where that came from.

787
00:37:54,667 --> 00:37:55,801
I would prefer no scents.

788
00:37:56,002 --> 00:37:57,770
I'd rather have some scents
than no scents.

789
00:37:57,970 --> 00:37:59,705
If you had any sense,
you wouldn't have gotten married.

790
00:37:59,906 --> 00:38:01,140
But I love her.

791
00:38:01,573 --> 00:38:03,075
You left her!

792
00:38:03,508 --> 00:38:04,944
But I came back.

793
00:38:05,410 --> 00:38:08,381
She took you back,
which is nonsense.

794
00:38:08,613 --> 00:38:10,149
- She's very understanding.
- She's too understanding.

795
00:38:10,349 --> 00:38:12,550
I don't understand.

796
00:38:12,752 --> 00:38:15,087
You're a kid who wears red pants

797
00:38:15,288 --> 00:38:17,555
and belongs
to a mushroom society.

798
00:38:17,757 --> 00:38:20,625
- Who would take you seriously?
- Apparently she does.

799
00:38:20,826 --> 00:38:22,460
Does she apparently know
you stole a truck?

800
00:38:22,695 --> 00:38:24,964
I didn't steal a truck.
I borrowed it from a friend.

801
00:38:25,164 --> 00:38:29,135
Who would have you as a friend?

802
00:38:29,335 --> 00:38:30,903
Another mushroom picker?

803
00:38:31,103 --> 00:38:33,505
I was hoping
we could be friends.

804
00:38:33,706 --> 00:38:35,775
Real friends,
not just acquaintances.

805
00:38:36,642 --> 00:38:38,811
I had my heart set
on acquaintances.

806
00:38:39,211 --> 00:38:40,713
The guy that drove the car
was my friend.

807
00:38:40,913 --> 00:38:42,181
The guy who was driving the car
got divorced.

808
00:38:42,381 --> 00:38:44,549
- He was unhappy.
- I'm unhappy.

809
00:38:47,119 --> 00:38:49,621
Your wife would make me
less unhappy.

810
00:38:49,822 --> 00:38:50,990
Would "Meadows and Rain"
make you happy?

811
00:38:51,190 --> 00:38:52,892
Would you please stop talking
about Febreze!

812
00:38:53,092 --> 00:38:54,193
I'm talking about real life.

813
00:38:54,393 --> 00:38:56,461
What's the difference?

814
00:39:04,036 --> 00:39:06,005
Ahhh, hello.

815
00:39:07,073 --> 00:39:08,007
Mmm...

816
00:39:10,176 --> 00:39:12,044
My wife's on her way up.

817
00:39:13,079 --> 00:39:14,612
What?

818
00:39:15,881 --> 00:39:17,183
Ohh...

819
00:39:18,184 --> 00:39:21,619
- I gotta get out of here.
- Why? There's no time.

820
00:39:21,887 --> 00:39:23,856
Because if she starts
feeling romantic,

821
00:39:24,056 --> 00:39:25,557
I'm not gonna be able
to take it.

822
00:39:25,758 --> 00:39:27,159
Turn up the radio.

823
00:39:27,860 --> 00:39:31,998
Hey, switch places with me
so I can be closer to the exit?

824
00:39:32,765 --> 00:39:34,233
We could...

825
00:39:34,834 --> 00:39:37,103
but then you'd have
a lot more scents.

826
00:39:37,303 --> 00:39:38,104
Hmmm...

827
00:39:38,304 --> 00:39:40,773
I hadn't thought of that.

828
00:40:11,871 --> 00:40:14,006
Hiiii...

829
00:40:14,273 --> 00:40:16,776
Oh, thank you.

830
00:40:18,778 --> 00:40:21,814
No, no, don't worry, I'm okay.

831
00:40:22,014 --> 00:40:23,883
It's the last time
I trust the neighbor.

832
00:40:24,083 --> 00:40:27,186
There we were. He wants me
to take a ride in his truck.

833
00:40:27,386 --> 00:40:29,922
No, I don't think he's gay.

834
00:40:30,256 --> 00:40:33,225
He said he was married,
but his wife died.

835
00:40:33,625 --> 00:40:35,928
At least that's what he said.

836
00:40:36,128 --> 00:40:38,596
We were having this
perfectly nice dinner...

837
00:40:38,798 --> 00:40:39,632
Umpff.

838
00:40:39,665 --> 00:40:41,566
I don't think
he should throw it.

839
00:40:42,134 --> 00:40:42,835
Why?

840
00:40:43,035 --> 00:40:43,836
He's angry.

841
00:40:44,136 --> 00:40:46,672
Because if he throws it,
we'll have to see her,

842
00:40:46,872 --> 00:40:49,574
and I think it's important
that we don't see her.

843
00:40:49,775 --> 00:40:50,810
Why?

844
00:40:51,877 --> 00:40:54,013
Because she's not funny.

845
00:40:54,947 --> 00:40:56,348
We could make her funny.

846
00:40:56,549 --> 00:40:58,217
No, I've met her. We can't.

847
00:40:58,451 --> 00:41:00,653
It could be a great scene.

848
00:41:00,853 --> 00:41:02,221
Great scenes
aren't always funny.

849
00:41:02,421 --> 00:41:04,256
I hope this one is.

850
00:41:04,457 --> 00:41:05,758
Do you think it's too abrupt?

851
00:41:05,958 --> 00:41:08,027
No! Audiences want
something different.

852
00:41:08,828 --> 00:41:11,596
Like us? Even though
we're never seen again?

853
00:41:11,797 --> 00:41:15,267
Who wants to see us? We're only
the writer and director.

854
00:41:15,501 --> 00:41:16,769
Do you think he's submissive?

855
00:41:16,969 --> 00:41:17,736
Who?

856
00:41:17,770 --> 00:41:19,038
The Kid in the picture.

857
00:41:19,238 --> 00:41:21,807
I don't think so.
He's more sick.

858
00:41:22,041 --> 00:41:22,741
That's important.

859
00:41:23,175 --> 00:41:25,377
Otherwise, nobody would believe
that he's married.

860
00:41:25,711 --> 00:41:26,312
I'd believe it.

861
00:41:26,745 --> 00:41:28,681
Of course you'd believe it.
You wrote it.

862
00:41:28,881 --> 00:41:30,116
Even if I didn't write it,
I'd believe it.

863
00:41:30,316 --> 00:41:32,284
They've known each other
since high school.

864
00:41:32,485 --> 00:41:34,353
- Did you write that?
- No, that's why I believe it.

865
00:41:34,553 --> 00:41:37,089
When you know somebody
that long

866
00:41:37,289 --> 00:41:39,024
you really know them.

867
00:41:39,225 --> 00:41:40,759
Why does he stay with her?

868
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:42,628
Because she's nonthreatening.

869
00:41:42,828 --> 00:41:44,230
Why does she stay with him?

870
00:41:44,430 --> 00:41:46,699
Because she doesn't know
any better way to be treated.

871
00:41:46,899 --> 00:41:48,234
The Narrator
would treat her better.

872
00:41:48,434 --> 00:41:52,371
The Kid knows that which is
why he knows he can't lose her.

873
00:41:52,805 --> 00:41:54,940
Why? He already lost her once.

874
00:41:55,141 --> 00:41:56,876
But she'll never
come back twice.

875
00:41:57,109 --> 00:42:00,312
My wife came back twice and
I was trying to lose her once.

876
00:42:00,813 --> 00:42:03,716
The Narrator's wife
is not coming back.

877
00:42:04,116 --> 00:42:07,253
Don't you think you should
mention how she died?

878
00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:10,322
Death isn't funny
and it bogs me down.

879
00:42:10,523 --> 00:42:12,858
DON'T BOG ME DOWN!

880
00:42:13,292 --> 00:42:16,128
Alright,
but it would be helpful.

881
00:42:17,863 --> 00:42:19,131
Brain aneurism.

882
00:42:23,035 --> 00:42:25,404
The doorman found her and
she was gone in 24 hours.

883
00:42:25,604 --> 00:42:26,739
Is that helpful?

884
00:42:27,206 --> 00:42:28,440
Considerably.

885
00:42:31,310 --> 00:42:34,680
I want to give The Narrator
another love interest.

886
00:42:35,047 --> 00:42:36,782
Like who?

887
00:42:37,216 --> 00:42:39,084
One of the women
on the newspaper staff?

888
00:42:39,285 --> 00:42:40,786
Which one?

889
00:42:40,986 --> 00:42:42,454
The youngest one.

890
00:42:46,091 --> 00:42:49,762
Do you think if I wore an ascot,
I'd be a better writer?

891
00:42:51,263 --> 00:42:52,431
Yes.

892
00:42:57,770 --> 00:42:58,904
Aaah.

893
00:42:59,538 --> 00:43:01,006
Thank you.

894
00:43:02,341 --> 00:43:05,211
My cleaning lady usually
does that for me.

895
00:43:05,411 --> 00:43:08,113
The last time I saw her, I
threatened to have me deported.

896
00:43:08,314 --> 00:43:09,982
Aren't you okay?

897
00:43:11,984 --> 00:43:13,953
- Where did you get that?
- What?

898
00:43:14,153 --> 00:43:15,120
That.

899
00:43:15,321 --> 00:43:16,855
This? Downstairs.

900
00:43:18,224 --> 00:43:19,725
What is wrong with you?

901
00:43:19,925 --> 00:43:21,093
I'm sorry, I'm just...

902
00:43:21,293 --> 00:43:22,494
I'm under a lot of pressure.

903
00:43:22,696 --> 00:43:25,764
So is this can,
but it's not gonna explode.

904
00:43:26,432 --> 00:43:28,801
Can we just stop talking
about the can.

905
00:43:29,001 --> 00:43:31,070
I think you should
really get married again.

906
00:43:31,270 --> 00:43:32,805
Ohhhh...!

907
00:43:33,839 --> 00:43:37,943
Wouldn't it be easier just
to get another cleaning lady?

908
00:43:39,011 --> 00:43:40,379
I'm not talking about right now.

909
00:43:40,579 --> 00:43:41,280
Good.

910
00:43:41,313 --> 00:43:43,349
I'm talking about the future.

911
00:43:43,549 --> 00:43:44,483
Because right now,

912
00:43:44,850 --> 00:43:49,788
I'm burying myself in my work in
order to avoid my personal life.

913
00:43:51,156 --> 00:43:52,791
What kind of work?

914
00:43:53,693 --> 00:43:58,197
Well, it's a new screenplay
based on a neighbor.

915
00:43:58,864 --> 00:44:02,201
Is it about a woman who's been
married three times?

916
00:44:02,401 --> 00:44:05,271
Because if it is, all I ask
is that you spell my name right.

917
00:44:05,471 --> 00:44:07,873
I would if it was, but it isn't.

918
00:44:08,207 --> 00:44:10,075
Then who is it about?

919
00:44:13,112 --> 00:44:15,114
I'd really rather not say.

920
00:44:15,381 --> 00:44:17,216
Then what's it about?

921
00:44:17,483 --> 00:44:20,119
I'd really rather not
say that, either.

922
00:44:20,720 --> 00:44:23,989
You are so similar
to my middle husband.

923
00:44:24,189 --> 00:44:26,458
- Was he a writer?
- He was a liar.

924
00:44:26,859 --> 00:44:28,227
A good writer can be both.

925
00:44:28,427 --> 00:44:30,029
A good husband can't be.

926
00:44:30,229 --> 00:44:31,964
What did he lie about?

927
00:44:32,164 --> 00:44:33,999
I'd rather not say.

928
00:44:34,233 --> 00:44:35,901
Unless I say so first, right?

929
00:44:36,135 --> 00:44:38,304
He was
a good negotiator as well.

930
00:44:38,504 --> 00:44:42,841
Alight, it's about the new guy
at the newspaper.

931
00:44:43,542 --> 00:44:45,911
Who? The Kid?

932
00:44:46,512 --> 00:44:48,113
How many other guys do we have?

933
00:44:48,314 --> 00:44:49,882
Sadly, not enough.

934
00:44:50,082 --> 00:44:50,983
What?

935
00:44:51,183 --> 00:44:52,451
I'm not enough?

936
00:44:52,686 --> 00:44:53,419
You are.

937
00:44:53,720 --> 00:44:56,555
But I like you too much
to have sex with you,

938
00:44:56,756 --> 00:44:58,824
although we have great banter.

939
00:44:59,024 --> 00:45:00,225
And you were married 3 times?

940
00:45:00,426 --> 00:45:02,027
And I didn't like any of them,

941
00:45:02,227 --> 00:45:03,996
which is why I thought
it would work out.

942
00:45:04,196 --> 00:45:05,297
You were surprised
when it didn't?

943
00:45:05,497 --> 00:45:06,498
Yes.

944
00:45:06,800 --> 00:45:09,201
I guess I just didn't
dislike them enough,

945
00:45:09,401 --> 00:45:12,338
which is strange because
I hated the third one.

946
00:45:12,538 --> 00:45:15,607
I think you could really grow
to dislike this Kid.

947
00:45:15,809 --> 00:45:17,443
I certainly did.

948
00:45:18,377 --> 00:45:21,447
- Then maybe it would work out.
- He's married also.

949
00:45:21,648 --> 00:45:23,515
Ah, then forget it.

950
00:45:23,717 --> 00:45:25,951
I wouldn't do to her
what someone did to me.

951
00:45:26,185 --> 00:45:27,119
Ohh...

952
00:45:27,453 --> 00:45:30,255
- Your husband cheated?
- One of them.

953
00:45:30,589 --> 00:45:32,858
But not with a woman.

954
00:45:37,262 --> 00:45:38,897
Which one?

955
00:45:39,098 --> 00:45:40,999
Which husband or which man?

956
00:45:41,200 --> 00:45:42,234
Either.

957
00:45:42,635 --> 00:45:44,470
There was the first one
with someone from

958
00:45:44,671 --> 00:45:46,338
the Second Avenue Deli.

959
00:45:46,538 --> 00:45:48,440
I don't think The Kid
works at a deli.

960
00:45:48,641 --> 00:45:50,109
He always seems to be around.

961
00:45:50,309 --> 00:45:51,410
What does he do?

962
00:45:51,610 --> 00:45:52,645
I don't know,

963
00:45:52,846 --> 00:45:54,613
but he has money.

964
00:45:54,814 --> 00:45:57,516
- Where's his family from?
- Sicily.

965
00:45:57,817 --> 00:45:59,451
Do you think he's in the mob?

966
00:45:59,652 --> 00:46:01,487
They'd have him serving
espressos in the back room

967
00:46:01,688 --> 00:46:03,122
if he was.

968
00:46:04,623 --> 00:46:06,558
What is his wife like?

969
00:46:10,028 --> 00:46:11,363
Attractive.

970
00:46:13,065 --> 00:46:14,566
- Really?
- Uh-huh.

971
00:46:14,900 --> 00:46:16,435
When did you see her?

972
00:46:16,636 --> 00:46:18,337
I saw her at the...

973
00:46:19,405 --> 00:46:20,038
hospital.

974
00:46:20,506 --> 00:46:22,908
I got a look at her
through the privacy curtain.

975
00:46:23,108 --> 00:46:26,111
Did he ever apologize
for that car accident?

976
00:46:26,311 --> 00:46:29,649
God, he never apologized
for the attic accident.

977
00:46:30,115 --> 00:46:31,917
Which reminds me,
how's your dog?

978
00:46:32,117 --> 00:46:33,118
Hmmm...

979
00:46:33,585 --> 00:46:35,387
He's still recuperating.

980
00:46:35,587 --> 00:46:39,191
He just stares at the ceiling
and shakes his head.

981
00:46:41,661 --> 00:46:44,029
Poor thing.
He'll get over it.

982
00:46:53,005 --> 00:46:54,273
I'm still not over it.

983
00:46:54,473 --> 00:46:57,176
- Then get over it!
- Uhhh...

984
00:46:58,243 --> 00:46:59,411
Are you okay?

985
00:46:59,611 --> 00:47:02,214
Yeah, I think the neck brace
is a little tight.

986
00:47:02,414 --> 00:47:04,082
You need to see that Kid again.

987
00:47:04,283 --> 00:47:06,151
Oh no, I just spent a week
with him at the hospital

988
00:47:06,351 --> 00:47:07,586
I can't take anymore.

989
00:47:07,787 --> 00:47:10,389
But you're a writer and
he's your subject.

990
00:47:10,622 --> 00:47:12,558
If you're going to go up
to the bell, then ring it.

991
00:47:12,759 --> 00:47:14,526
I've rung the bell.
It's hollow!

992
00:47:14,727 --> 00:47:16,195
HOLLOW!

993
00:47:16,395 --> 00:47:17,697
Then keep ringing it.

994
00:47:17,897 --> 00:47:18,964
Why?

995
00:47:19,164 --> 00:47:20,432
There's no one home.

996
00:47:22,100 --> 00:47:24,603
Maybe if you keep ringing it
then maybe someday

997
00:47:24,804 --> 00:47:27,105
someone will come to the door.

998
00:47:31,043 --> 00:47:33,011
I hope it's his wife.

999
00:48:16,789 --> 00:48:18,357
Paula...

1000
00:48:18,624 --> 00:48:22,060
You remember our first days.
You remember Italy.

1001
00:48:22,261 --> 00:48:23,328
There've been times when

1002
00:48:23,529 --> 00:48:25,632
I thought
I only dreamed those days.

1003
00:48:25,832 --> 00:48:27,599
Come closer, Paula.

1004
00:48:29,802 --> 00:48:31,236
Closer.

1005
00:48:36,341 --> 00:48:38,076
Look into my eyes.

1006
00:48:38,443 --> 00:48:42,180
If I ever meant anything to you
and I believe I did...

1007
00:48:42,481 --> 00:48:44,449
Then help me Paula.

1008
00:48:57,697 --> 00:49:00,065
Don't tell me you're dealing
with another palimony suit?

1009
00:49:00,265 --> 00:49:03,268
Yes, but worse. This time,
I'm the defendant.

1010
00:49:03,468 --> 00:49:04,136
Again?

1011
00:49:04,469 --> 00:49:06,739
- You should just get a cat.
- I hate cats.

1012
00:49:06,940 --> 00:49:09,074
They close their eyes
when they eat, it's just...

1013
00:49:09,274 --> 00:49:10,009
So?

1014
00:49:10,275 --> 00:49:12,144
So I want them to know
who's feeding them

1015
00:49:12,344 --> 00:49:14,146
and who's paying for everything.

1016
00:49:14,346 --> 00:49:16,783
You wouldn't get sued so much
if you weren't such a tough guy.

1017
00:49:16,983 --> 00:49:20,319
I'm not a tough guy.
I just know how to hurt people

1018
00:49:21,420 --> 00:49:22,055
So what are you having?

1019
00:49:22,321 --> 00:49:23,056
Litigation
if you're not careful.

1020
00:49:23,455 --> 00:49:25,725
As your lawyer, I'm telling you
to drop the case.

1021
00:49:25,925 --> 00:49:27,426
It's not a case. He's a kid.

1022
00:49:27,626 --> 00:49:29,394
He's a basket-case kid.
Just drop him.

1023
00:49:29,595 --> 00:49:30,863
Not that simple.

1024
00:49:31,631 --> 00:49:34,232
He endangered your life,
put you in the hospital.

1025
00:49:34,433 --> 00:49:35,334
It's very simple.

1026
00:49:35,534 --> 00:49:37,804
- I can't do it to him.
- He'd do it to you.

1027
00:49:38,004 --> 00:49:40,238
No, he wouldn't
unless I do it to him first.

1028
00:49:40,439 --> 00:49:42,140
A counter suit.
Even better.

1029
00:49:42,341 --> 00:49:43,676
Better for you not for me.

1030
00:49:44,077 --> 00:49:45,577
What are you talking about?

1031
00:49:45,778 --> 00:49:47,880
I see liability everywhere.
Just look at this menu.

1032
00:49:48,081 --> 00:49:49,882
I don't see specials.

1033
00:49:50,083 --> 00:49:51,684
I see misspellings.

1034
00:49:51,951 --> 00:49:54,353
"Spicy Tina."
What is that? C'mon!

1035
00:49:54,553 --> 00:49:57,724
- They mean tuna roll.
- That's raw, somebody...

1036
00:49:57,924 --> 00:50:00,860
- Turn it off for a second!
- No, I can't, no, I can't.

1037
00:50:01,060 --> 00:50:03,796
I suspect everyone,
especially if they're frameable.

1038
00:50:03,997 --> 00:50:06,131
It doesn't even matter if
they're guilty, not guilty...

1039
00:50:06,331 --> 00:50:08,400
- You suspect The Kid?
- I suspect The Kid...

1040
00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:11,336
his wife and
definitely the ducks.

1041
00:50:11,536 --> 00:50:13,873
If he was my client,
I'd plea bargain.

1042
00:50:14,073 --> 00:50:15,675
Not everything
is a negotiation.

1043
00:50:15,875 --> 00:50:16,541
Oh, yeah?

1044
00:50:16,743 --> 00:50:17,677
Hey, excuse me.

1045
00:50:18,210 --> 00:50:21,346
Yeah, I get $350 an hour,
we're already $150 into it.

1046
00:50:21,546 --> 00:50:23,315
Where's my edamame?

1047
00:50:24,917 --> 00:50:26,151
Oh!

1048
00:50:27,720 --> 00:50:29,656
I'm a Republican too.

1049
00:50:31,658 --> 00:50:33,492
- You see?
- Yeah, I see.

1050
00:50:33,693 --> 00:50:34,694
You're charging me by the hour.

1051
00:50:34,894 --> 00:50:35,895
If you didn't get sued so much,

1052
00:50:36,095 --> 00:50:37,429
you wouldn't have
to charge so much.

1053
00:50:37,630 --> 00:50:38,363
I'll pick up the lunch.

1054
00:50:38,597 --> 00:50:39,899
Which means
I'm picking up the lunch.

1055
00:50:40,099 --> 00:50:41,433
Since there's not going to be
any suit,

1056
00:50:41,634 --> 00:50:42,702
there's not going to be
any settlement.

1057
00:50:42,902 --> 00:50:44,603
What would I settle for?

1058
00:50:45,872 --> 00:50:47,305
His wife.

1059
00:50:50,609 --> 00:50:51,778
I'll think about it.

1060
00:50:51,978 --> 00:50:52,745
Don't think too long.

1061
00:50:52,945 --> 00:50:53,545
I'm not gonna have to.

1062
00:50:54,013 --> 00:50:55,648
I'm seeing The Kid
tomorrow night for dinner.

1063
00:50:55,848 --> 00:50:58,583
- Will she be there?
- I'll settle for that.

1064
00:50:59,085 --> 00:51:01,754
Do you have shrimp cocktail
with the sauce, no rice?

1065
00:51:01,954 --> 00:51:03,422
Red sauce, no rice.

1066
00:51:03,622 --> 00:51:05,290
Spicy, spicy...

1067
00:51:07,359 --> 00:51:10,730
Now the fact is
I couldn't settle for that.

1068
00:51:15,835 --> 00:51:17,904
I had gotten to the point
in my script where

1069
00:51:18,104 --> 00:51:19,772
I started to wonder.

1070
00:51:22,041 --> 00:51:24,811
Was it The Kid's motives
I was questioning?

1071
00:51:27,814 --> 00:51:29,214
- Oh my God!
- Hi!

1072
00:51:29,414 --> 00:51:30,415
Or mine?

1073
00:51:30,615 --> 00:51:32,551
- You're not her.
- Miss me?

1074
00:51:47,900 --> 00:51:49,936
What do you think?

1075
00:51:53,072 --> 00:51:53,940
My grandmother used to say,

1076
00:51:54,207 --> 00:51:57,844
"The cleaner the house,
the more they're hiding."

1077
00:52:02,314 --> 00:52:03,482
Oh...

1078
00:52:04,483 --> 00:52:06,351
I'm so sorry.

1079
00:52:08,755 --> 00:52:10,890
What is this? Popcorn?

1080
00:52:12,324 --> 00:52:14,626
I don't know
what you think I'm hiding.

1081
00:52:15,194 --> 00:52:16,763
Other than your wife?

1082
00:52:16,963 --> 00:52:18,563
She's at the lake house.
I told you.

1083
00:52:18,765 --> 00:52:20,365
No, you didn't. I didn't even
know you had a lake house.

1084
00:52:20,565 --> 00:52:21,067
I don't.

1085
00:52:21,533 --> 00:52:23,401
But if I did,
that's where she'd be.

1086
00:52:23,602 --> 00:52:26,438
As it is,
she's at her photography class.

1087
00:52:28,340 --> 00:52:30,009
- This you?
- Yes.

1088
00:52:30,375 --> 00:52:32,879
- Is that her?
- Who else would it be?

1089
00:52:33,079 --> 00:52:34,579
What do you think?

1090
00:52:34,781 --> 00:52:36,414
I don't know...

1091
00:52:36,615 --> 00:52:39,484
Looks like you're running away
from something.

1092
00:52:41,620 --> 00:52:43,421
Is this hers too?

1093
00:52:43,656 --> 00:52:45,624
- She's good.
- They are good, aren't they?

1094
00:52:45,825 --> 00:52:46,793
Real good.

1095
00:52:48,027 --> 00:52:50,362
Ooh, look at that composition.

1096
00:52:55,500 --> 00:52:57,335
They're not hers.

1097
00:53:02,541 --> 00:53:03,608
What is hers?

1098
00:53:03,843 --> 00:53:06,979
The baked ziti.
Would you like some salad?

1099
00:53:07,312 --> 00:53:10,549
- She can cook, too?
- She can do a lot of things.

1100
00:53:12,652 --> 00:53:13,920
What can you do?

1101
00:53:14,120 --> 00:53:15,353
You asked me that before.

1102
00:53:15,554 --> 00:53:16,856
I'm asking again.

1103
00:53:19,058 --> 00:53:21,027
I'm a mechanical engineer.

1104
00:53:21,227 --> 00:53:21,994
Oh, yeah?

1105
00:53:22,195 --> 00:53:23,696
Can you fix
a clogged drain?

1106
00:53:23,930 --> 00:53:24,931
Ah, yeah.

1107
00:53:26,065 --> 00:53:27,332
Then you're a plumber.

1108
00:53:27,532 --> 00:53:28,600
You're very quick.

1109
00:53:29,001 --> 00:53:30,002
Not really.

1110
00:53:31,871 --> 00:53:33,605
Mmm... Pass the salad.

1111
00:53:37,009 --> 00:53:38,543
You're not good
when I give you compliments.

1112
00:53:38,744 --> 00:53:39,344
Have you ever given me one?

1113
00:53:39,779 --> 00:53:41,379
See what I mean?
I just said you were very quick

1114
00:53:41,580 --> 00:53:42,815
and you replied with a quip.

1115
00:53:43,015 --> 00:53:44,616
What do you want me to say?

1116
00:53:44,817 --> 00:53:46,484
I want you to say,

1117
00:53:46,953 --> 00:53:48,054
"Thank you."

1118
00:53:48,353 --> 00:53:50,022
Don't tell me what to say.

1119
00:53:50,223 --> 00:53:51,590
If you don't say what I want
then I'm going to stop

1120
00:53:51,791 --> 00:53:52,992
giving you compliments.

1121
00:53:53,192 --> 00:53:54,961
I don't want you
to give me compliments.

1122
00:53:55,161 --> 00:53:56,662
I'd rather you criticize
my criticisms.

1123
00:53:56,929 --> 00:53:57,763
That's not as powerful.

1124
00:53:57,964 --> 00:54:00,365
Oh? Is that what this is about?

1125
00:54:00,565 --> 00:54:01,167
Power?

1126
00:54:01,600 --> 00:54:03,069
Are these the mind games
you play on your wife?

1127
00:54:03,269 --> 00:54:04,569
None of your business.

1128
00:54:04,770 --> 00:54:06,038
I think it is my business.

1129
00:54:06,239 --> 00:54:08,908
I think at a party when a
husband only introduces himself

1130
00:54:09,108 --> 00:54:10,643
and the woman he's with
has to say,

1131
00:54:10,843 --> 00:54:13,545
"And I'm his wife,"
that's my business.

1132
00:54:13,746 --> 00:54:15,114
I think when a husband
gets so drunk

1133
00:54:15,314 --> 00:54:16,782
that he jumps in
his neighbor's car

1134
00:54:16,983 --> 00:54:18,117
and asks that neighbor
to drive him home,

1135
00:54:18,317 --> 00:54:19,852
leaving his wife
standing on the street...

1136
00:54:20,052 --> 00:54:21,553
That's my business.

1137
00:54:22,554 --> 00:54:25,691
- Who are you talking about?
- I'm talking about you, Kid.

1138
00:54:26,125 --> 00:54:28,794
The first time I saw you wasn't
at that newspaper meeting.

1139
00:54:28,995 --> 00:54:31,063
It was at a party
back in December.

1140
00:54:31,731 --> 00:54:34,166
- I don't remember meeting you.
- You didn't.

1141
00:54:34,367 --> 00:54:36,769
But I met your wife.
I spoke to her.

1142
00:54:36,969 --> 00:54:37,770
When?

1143
00:54:38,971 --> 00:54:39,972
Right after you got so drunk,

1144
00:54:40,172 --> 00:54:41,406
she had to tell you
to calm down.

1145
00:54:41,606 --> 00:54:42,975
What did you say?

1146
00:54:43,175 --> 00:54:44,911
I told her she could do better.

1147
00:54:45,111 --> 00:54:46,544
- What did she say?
- Nothing.

1148
00:54:46,746 --> 00:54:48,848
She just looked at me with
this vacant stare.

1149
00:54:49,048 --> 00:54:49,682
That's because she's shy.

1150
00:54:49,882 --> 00:54:51,817
No, that's because she's vacant.

1151
00:54:52,018 --> 00:54:55,121
- What's the difference?
- Being married to you.

1152
00:54:55,688 --> 00:54:57,189
I vaguely remember that party.

1153
00:54:57,390 --> 00:54:58,423
I clearly remember it.

1154
00:54:58,623 --> 00:54:59,457
Why?

1155
00:54:59,759 --> 00:55:03,062
Because you were wearing
those same stupid red pants.

1156
00:55:05,597 --> 00:55:06,866
What's wrong
with these pants anyway?

1157
00:55:07,066 --> 00:55:07,833
Nothing...

1158
00:55:08,034 --> 00:55:08,701
If you were 20 years old and

1159
00:55:09,201 --> 00:55:11,203
mimicking your personality
from Abercrombie & Fitch.

1160
00:55:11,404 --> 00:55:14,173
- I'm not mimicking anybody.
- Then say something original.

1161
00:55:15,775 --> 00:55:16,776
You say it first.

1162
00:55:17,009 --> 00:55:18,576
It'd be much more interesting
if you did.

1163
00:55:19,078 --> 00:55:20,578
Are you saying
I'm not interesting?

1164
00:55:20,780 --> 00:55:21,981
No...

1165
00:55:22,181 --> 00:55:24,951
I'm saying the most interesting
thing about you...

1166
00:55:25,151 --> 00:55:26,085
is me.

1167
00:55:28,821 --> 00:55:30,022
What was that?

1168
00:55:30,222 --> 00:55:31,691
I had an itch.

1169
00:55:32,590 --> 00:55:33,826
An itch?

1170
00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:36,228
I mean, look at this house.

1171
00:55:36,696 --> 00:55:40,598
What could anyone possibly know
about the people that live here?

1172
00:55:40,800 --> 00:55:42,567
That they're neat and clean?

1173
00:55:42,902 --> 00:55:43,836
Is that a bad thing?

1174
00:55:44,036 --> 00:55:44,770
Not really.

1175
00:55:45,137 --> 00:55:47,907
But when I walk into a room,
I act like I own it.

1176
00:55:48,107 --> 00:55:50,542
When you walk into a room,
you act like you're renting it.

1177
00:55:50,743 --> 00:55:51,177
Where's the clutter?

1178
00:55:51,476 --> 00:55:53,179
- The what?
- The clutter.

1179
00:55:53,511 --> 00:55:56,649
The stuff that makes up
a relationship, a real life.

1180
00:55:58,150 --> 00:55:59,251
I have clutter.

1181
00:56:00,086 --> 00:56:01,053
Where is it?

1182
00:56:01,654 --> 00:56:03,022
Upstairs.

1183
00:57:03,749 --> 00:57:04,850
That's it?

1184
00:57:05,251 --> 00:57:06,252
Isn't that clutter?

1185
00:57:06,452 --> 00:57:08,921
That's organized clutter.

1186
00:57:09,121 --> 00:57:11,023
Yeah, it took me hours
to get it to look that way.

1187
00:57:11,223 --> 00:57:12,291
It should have taken you years.

1188
00:57:12,491 --> 00:57:13,659
I don't have that kind of time.

1189
00:57:13,859 --> 00:57:15,627
- Then make it.
- How?

1190
00:57:15,828 --> 00:57:17,630
By getting a bigger cabinet,

1191
00:57:17,830 --> 00:57:20,099
in another house,
in a different town.

1192
00:57:20,299 --> 00:57:21,667
Well, I'm not moving.

1193
00:57:21,867 --> 00:57:23,302
I think you should consider it.

1194
00:57:23,502 --> 00:57:25,905
I think you're
out of your element.

1195
00:57:26,172 --> 00:57:26,872
I like my element.

1196
00:57:27,373 --> 00:57:30,209
Do you even know what
your element is because I don't.

1197
00:57:30,409 --> 00:57:32,311
You have no emotion,
no inflections, no opinions.

1198
00:57:32,511 --> 00:57:34,146
In short, you have no empathy.

1199
00:57:34,346 --> 00:57:36,182
- I don't understand.
- Exactly.

1200
00:57:36,482 --> 00:57:38,684
When was the last time
you cried?

1201
00:57:38,918 --> 00:57:40,319
In about ten minutes.

1202
00:57:40,618 --> 00:57:43,355
There's like a chunk of you
that's missing.

1203
00:57:43,588 --> 00:57:44,957
Maybe it's in the clutter.

1204
00:57:45,157 --> 00:57:47,193
- I bet you don't even vote.
- I don't, do you?

1205
00:57:47,393 --> 00:57:48,961
- I'm not telling you.
- I'm not telling you either.

1206
00:57:49,161 --> 00:57:50,329
- You just did.
- You tricked me.

1207
00:57:50,529 --> 00:57:52,164
You tricked yourself.

1208
00:57:52,531 --> 00:57:53,666
Does your wife vote?

1209
00:57:53,866 --> 00:57:55,334
She hasn't voted
since high school.

1210
00:57:55,534 --> 00:57:58,971
This is not high school.
This is life school,

1211
00:57:59,171 --> 00:58:00,605
and you have to participate.

1212
00:58:00,806 --> 00:58:01,974
What if I don't want
to participate?

1213
00:58:02,174 --> 00:58:03,608
Then you get marked as absent

1214
00:58:03,809 --> 00:58:06,946
and you don't get any presents
at Christmas time.

1215
00:58:08,114 --> 00:58:10,649
- I like presents.
- Oh?

1216
00:58:23,929 --> 00:58:24,897
What's that?

1217
00:58:25,097 --> 00:58:26,765
That is a house-warming present.

1218
00:58:26,966 --> 00:58:29,168
There's more where that
came from if you join us.

1219
00:58:29,368 --> 00:58:30,669
Where do I join up?

1220
00:58:31,103 --> 00:58:32,304
Any place there's an opinion.

1221
00:58:32,505 --> 00:58:34,006
The kitchen table
is a good place to start.

1222
00:58:34,206 --> 00:58:35,975
I don't have a kitchen table.

1223
00:58:36,175 --> 00:58:37,209
That's probably why
you don't vote.

1224
00:58:37,409 --> 00:58:38,377
I have a dining room table.

1225
00:58:38,577 --> 00:58:39,278
Not the same.

1226
00:58:39,311 --> 00:58:40,379
But I can make
a kitchen table.

1227
00:58:40,579 --> 00:58:41,013
Building is good.

1228
00:58:41,413 --> 00:58:43,048
I built everything
in this house.

1229
00:58:43,249 --> 00:58:44,049
Rebuilding is better.

1230
00:58:44,450 --> 00:58:46,986
- What's wrong with this house?
- It's monotonous.

1231
00:58:47,186 --> 00:58:49,121
It's why you speak
in a monotone.

1232
00:58:49,321 --> 00:58:49,822
Oh yeah?

1233
00:58:50,089 --> 00:58:52,825
At least my house isn't messy.

1234
00:59:02,001 --> 00:59:04,837
How do you know
that my house is messy?

1235
00:59:06,071 --> 00:59:08,707
Were you in there
when I wasn't home?

1236
00:59:14,146 --> 00:59:16,115
- Were you?
- You left the back door open.

1237
00:59:16,382 --> 00:59:18,284
The back door is for the dog,
not for you.

1238
00:59:18,484 --> 00:59:19,151
How is the dog?

1239
00:59:19,418 --> 00:59:21,187
He's fine.
Don't change the subject.

1240
00:59:21,387 --> 00:59:22,188
Well...

1241
00:59:23,422 --> 00:59:25,457
- Your desk is nice.
- Thank you.

1242
00:59:27,860 --> 00:59:30,296
Did you see anything interesting
on my nice desk?

1243
00:59:30,496 --> 00:59:33,265
- Your desk light is nice too.
- I know.

1244
00:59:33,699 --> 00:59:36,001
Did you read anything
interesting on my nice desk

1245
00:59:36,202 --> 00:59:37,703
with my nice desk light?

1246
00:59:38,003 --> 00:59:40,239
Not really. Just a script.

1247
00:59:40,606 --> 00:59:42,141
But your handwriting
is very hard to read.

1248
00:59:42,341 --> 00:59:43,876
I'm sorry, I'll work on that.

1249
00:59:44,076 --> 00:59:46,078
And what did you think
of my script?

1250
00:59:46,278 --> 00:59:48,814
I think if you thought that
was an expensive bottle of wine

1251
00:59:49,014 --> 00:59:50,216
that I ordered
at the restaurant,

1252
00:59:50,416 --> 00:59:52,051
then you'd be wrong.

1253
00:59:53,552 --> 00:59:55,487
And that's all
you have to say?

1254
00:59:55,955 --> 00:59:59,959
Other than that? I thought it
was a very well-written scene.

1255
01:00:06,165 --> 01:00:08,000
Am I missing something?

1256
01:00:10,102 --> 01:00:11,971
Everything!

1257
01:00:12,338 --> 01:00:14,306
You know I'm making you
much more interesting

1258
01:00:14,506 --> 01:00:16,275
than you actually are.

1259
01:00:19,311 --> 01:00:22,414
You really should clean up
that house of yours.

1260
01:00:22,615 --> 01:00:24,350
- Oh, no...
- I could do it.

1261
01:00:24,617 --> 01:00:27,219
- No, no, no...
- It wouldn't take any time.

1262
01:00:27,419 --> 01:00:28,187
It's messy.

1263
01:00:28,587 --> 01:00:32,091
It's messy because there's
a real, actual life

1264
01:00:32,291 --> 01:00:34,193
going on in there!

1265
01:00:34,661 --> 01:00:36,395
Plus I have a dog.

1266
01:00:36,595 --> 01:00:37,763
I had ducks.

1267
01:00:37,963 --> 01:00:39,431
You had...?

1268
01:00:39,633 --> 01:00:40,866
I ate them.

1269
01:00:41,533 --> 01:00:42,868
You seem upset.

1270
01:00:44,336 --> 01:00:46,105
I am upset.

1271
01:00:52,945 --> 01:00:54,980
I had the wrong shelf.

1272
01:00:55,247 --> 01:00:56,782
What?

1273
01:00:57,883 --> 01:00:59,151
Nothing.

1274
01:01:00,586 --> 01:01:02,955
How can you live like this?

1275
01:01:03,355 --> 01:01:05,424
Knock those pencils over.

1276
01:01:06,959 --> 01:01:08,294
- I can't.
- Try.

1277
01:01:08,460 --> 01:01:09,094
I cannot.

1278
01:01:09,428 --> 01:01:11,063
I order you to knock
those pencils over!

1279
01:01:11,263 --> 01:01:12,064
You knock them over for me.

1280
01:01:12,331 --> 01:01:14,900
No, you're going to do
something first, first!

1281
01:01:15,100 --> 01:01:16,535
I'll pay you to do it.

1282
01:01:19,405 --> 01:01:21,073
How much do I owe you?

1283
01:01:21,407 --> 01:01:22,841
I insist.

1284
01:01:33,986 --> 01:01:35,421
Now, we're even!

1285
01:01:39,425 --> 01:01:40,859
Your wife paints?

1286
01:01:41,060 --> 01:01:41,593
She did.

1287
01:01:43,663 --> 01:01:45,264
So did mine.

1288
01:01:45,597 --> 01:01:47,366
Was she any good?

1289
01:01:49,234 --> 01:01:50,936
The truth is she turned
to the brush

1290
01:01:51,136 --> 01:01:52,604
instead of the bottle.

1291
01:01:52,871 --> 01:01:55,174
She should have turned
to the bottle.

1292
01:01:55,374 --> 01:01:56,875
But instead all I said was,

1293
01:01:57,076 --> 01:01:58,010
Yes...

1294
01:01:58,210 --> 01:01:59,445
She was very good.

1295
01:01:59,646 --> 01:02:01,180
Mine was, too.

1296
01:02:02,181 --> 01:02:03,349
What a surprise.

1297
01:02:03,549 --> 01:02:04,183
I'm not mirroring you.

1298
01:02:04,550 --> 01:02:06,552
You can't be,
it's a one-way mirror.

1299
01:02:06,753 --> 01:02:08,587
I can see you,
you can't see me.

1300
01:02:08,788 --> 01:02:10,356
Oh yeah? Why is that?

1301
01:02:10,556 --> 01:02:12,324
Because when one side of
the mirror is brightly lit

1302
01:02:12,524 --> 01:02:14,059
and the other side is darkened,

1303
01:02:14,259 --> 01:02:16,462
you can only see
from the darkened side.

1304
01:02:16,663 --> 01:02:18,230
Why do I have to be the one
that's brightly lit?

1305
01:02:18,430 --> 01:02:20,366
Because you're the one
wearing the red pants.

1306
01:02:20,599 --> 01:02:22,601
And I'm the one all in black.

1307
01:02:22,802 --> 01:02:25,070
- You're an imp.
- Thank you.

1308
01:02:25,270 --> 01:02:27,005
I hate imps.

1309
01:02:27,439 --> 01:02:29,608
No one talks to them at parties,

1310
01:02:29,809 --> 01:02:32,611
and somehow they still find me.
How do they always find me?

1311
01:02:32,812 --> 01:02:34,480
It was you who found me.

1312
01:02:34,681 --> 01:02:36,915
You came up to me that day
after the newspaper meeting.

1313
01:02:37,116 --> 01:02:39,351
You came up to me,
I did not come up to you, imp.

1314
01:02:39,551 --> 01:02:40,653
Then why didn't you walk away?

1315
01:02:40,854 --> 01:02:42,588
I really don't know.

1316
01:02:44,590 --> 01:02:47,192
I think morbid curiosity.

1317
01:02:48,160 --> 01:02:52,598
You were so odd, so strange,
that I was intrigued.

1318
01:02:53,232 --> 01:02:54,299
Is that it?

1319
01:02:54,500 --> 01:02:55,635
No, that's just the beginning.

1320
01:02:55,835 --> 01:02:58,270
Then I found myself
being defensive.

1321
01:02:58,470 --> 01:03:00,072
Why are you so sensitive?

1322
01:03:00,272 --> 01:03:02,541
Because of you,
because you're so manipulative.

1323
01:03:02,742 --> 01:03:05,611
You want me to explain
why you think I'm sensitive.

1324
01:03:05,812 --> 01:03:06,679
And I won't.

1325
01:03:06,880 --> 01:03:08,947
- Are you done?
- I will be...

1326
01:03:10,082 --> 01:03:11,885
Once I get over my depression.

1327
01:03:12,117 --> 01:03:13,385
You're depressed?

1328
01:03:13,585 --> 01:03:14,920
Not as much as you.

1329
01:03:15,120 --> 01:03:17,423
I'm always happy.
Like a Bollywood movie.

1330
01:03:17,623 --> 01:03:18,957
That's what's depressing.

1331
01:03:19,158 --> 01:03:20,526
Bollywood movies
aren't depressing.

1332
01:03:20,727 --> 01:03:23,429
You base your emotional life
on Indian musicals.

1333
01:03:23,630 --> 01:03:25,397
- Yes.
- Why?

1334
01:03:25,597 --> 01:03:27,032
Because even after
the sad parts,

1335
01:03:27,232 --> 01:03:29,067
they still sing and dance.

1336
01:03:32,337 --> 01:03:35,507
Reality just isn't good enough
for you, is it?

1337
01:03:35,775 --> 01:03:37,976
Is this the sad part?

1338
01:03:38,177 --> 01:03:40,312
This is the sad part.

1339
01:03:40,713 --> 01:03:42,414
I thought so.

1340
01:03:45,284 --> 01:03:47,453
Do you think your wife is happy?

1341
01:03:48,788 --> 01:03:50,522
I've never thought about it.

1342
01:03:53,025 --> 01:03:54,393
Think about it.

1343
01:04:04,336 --> 01:04:05,270
Yes.

1344
01:04:08,407 --> 01:04:10,375
I think she's tired.

1345
01:04:10,910 --> 01:04:12,679
And I think
you're out of control.

1346
01:04:12,879 --> 01:04:14,613
And you're in control?

1347
01:04:16,315 --> 01:04:18,116
At least I don't have
to wrap my personality

1348
01:04:18,317 --> 01:04:20,152
around someone else's
in order to have one.

1349
01:04:20,352 --> 01:04:22,387
- Is that a compliment?
- That is an observation.

1350
01:04:22,588 --> 01:04:24,122
You have other observations?
I'd love to hear them.

1351
01:04:24,323 --> 01:04:25,491
- No, you wouldn't.
- Why?

1352
01:04:25,692 --> 01:04:27,526
Because you're loveless.

1353
01:04:28,293 --> 01:04:31,396
You have no passion for anyone
or anything.

1354
01:04:31,664 --> 01:04:34,299
And I don't know why.
I don't even think you know why.

1355
01:04:34,500 --> 01:04:36,368
Or maybe you do
and this is all just an act,

1356
01:04:36,568 --> 01:04:37,236
but I doubt it.

1357
01:04:37,704 --> 01:04:40,707
What I do know is that no one
can give it to you.

1358
01:04:40,907 --> 01:04:44,142
You have to go and get it
all on your own.

1359
01:04:51,550 --> 01:04:52,417
You're blocking the door?

1360
01:04:52,685 --> 01:04:55,521
No, I'm just leaning
against it rather harshly.

1361
01:04:55,822 --> 01:04:59,124
- Why do you say I'm loveless?
- Because I am!

1362
01:04:59,759 --> 01:05:02,194
And if someone as loveless
as you can find a girl

1363
01:05:02,394 --> 01:05:04,329
who loves him like that,

1364
01:05:04,831 --> 01:05:06,331
then that is the girl for me.

1365
01:05:06,532 --> 01:05:07,599
Is that why you're leaving?
Because of her?

1366
01:05:07,800 --> 01:05:09,301
No, I'm leaving because of you.

1367
01:05:09,501 --> 01:05:11,603
Because you're more loveless
than I am,

1368
01:05:11,804 --> 01:05:14,807
which means you'll need her
far more than I ever will.

1369
01:05:15,040 --> 01:05:16,308
But I thought we were friends?

1370
01:05:16,508 --> 01:05:17,644
We are not and never were.

1371
01:05:17,844 --> 01:05:19,779
- I thought after all this time.
- What time?

1372
01:05:19,979 --> 01:05:21,146
I've only known you
for 6 months.

1373
01:05:21,346 --> 01:05:22,281
But mushrooms grow fast.

1374
01:05:22,481 --> 01:05:24,383
I am not a mushroom!

1375
01:05:26,585 --> 01:05:29,154
People take longer to cultivate.

1376
01:05:29,756 --> 01:05:31,156
How much time do you need?

1377
01:05:31,356 --> 01:05:33,125
I don't know.
We're out of time.

1378
01:05:33,325 --> 01:05:34,293
But I'm still working at it.

1379
01:05:34,493 --> 01:05:35,193
You can't be

1380
01:05:35,762 --> 01:05:38,230
because I'd have to be working
on it first, and I'm not.

1381
01:05:38,430 --> 01:05:39,531
Then I want to work
on something else.

1382
01:05:39,732 --> 01:05:41,133
Like what?

1383
01:05:41,868 --> 01:05:43,268
My backhand.

1384
01:05:43,803 --> 01:05:45,504
You play tennis, don't you?

1385
01:05:45,772 --> 01:05:48,173
Yes, my wife taught me how.
Why're you changing the subject?

1386
01:05:48,373 --> 01:05:51,343
Because I'm losing the argument
and mine taught me, too!

1387
01:05:59,518 --> 01:06:02,789
Your wife has a lot of free time
between her painting,

1388
01:06:02,989 --> 01:06:05,123
photography, and the lake house
she doesn't have.

1389
01:06:05,324 --> 01:06:08,327
- Yeah, she works for me.
- Oh, she holds tools, too?

1390
01:06:08,527 --> 01:06:09,829
She's my accountant.

1391
01:06:10,029 --> 01:06:11,831
- You pay her to be your wife?
- I pay her to account.

1392
01:06:12,031 --> 01:06:13,265
- To who?
- To me.

1393
01:06:13,465 --> 01:06:15,267
I don't have to account to you.

1394
01:06:15,467 --> 01:06:15,902
And I'm leaving.

1395
01:06:16,669 --> 01:06:18,236
You have to account for
yourself. And you're playing.

1396
01:06:18,437 --> 01:06:19,404
- Right now?
- Yes, now.

1397
01:06:19,605 --> 01:06:20,305
It's nighttime.

1398
01:06:20,505 --> 01:06:21,708
And it's on
the other side of town.

1399
01:06:21,908 --> 01:06:24,711
I know.
And it's time I crossed over.

1400
01:06:35,688 --> 01:06:37,623
That was you on the Vespa.

1401
01:06:40,258 --> 01:06:41,493
Get on!

1402
01:06:41,961 --> 01:06:44,463
Are you kidding me?
I'm not getting on that thing.

1403
01:06:44,664 --> 01:06:45,364
Big bikes scare me.

1404
01:06:45,798 --> 01:06:48,333
You wanted me to do
something first, first, so I am.

1405
01:06:48,533 --> 01:06:49,736
So get on.

1406
01:06:57,542 --> 01:06:59,478
I don't have to
hold on to you, do I?

1407
01:07:08,955 --> 01:07:11,189
I can see why you steal cars!

1408
01:07:11,858 --> 01:07:14,426
You can borrow it
anytime you want!

1409
01:07:14,927 --> 01:07:16,528
Did you ever crash?

1410
01:07:16,729 --> 01:07:17,664
What?

1411
01:07:17,897 --> 01:07:18,798
CRASH!

1412
01:07:18,998 --> 01:07:21,266
Once. I hit a tree.

1413
01:07:21,734 --> 01:07:23,335
What happened?

1414
01:07:23,703 --> 01:07:25,872
I woke up after a few hours.

1415
01:07:26,171 --> 01:07:28,206
You went to the hospital?

1416
01:07:28,607 --> 01:07:30,475
No, I went home.

1417
01:07:30,843 --> 01:07:33,178
That explains a lot.

1418
01:07:33,746 --> 01:07:35,948
Watch the road!

1419
01:07:57,436 --> 01:07:59,972
- Am I using your wife's racket?
- No.

1420
01:08:00,740 --> 01:08:03,275
You're using mine.
I'm using hers.

1421
01:08:03,475 --> 01:08:05,477
That explains
why you're winning.

1422
01:08:11,516 --> 01:08:13,318
- Fault!
- Yours.

1423
01:08:13,518 --> 01:08:14,754
- I know it's my fault.
- Good...

1424
01:08:14,954 --> 01:08:16,989
I'm glad
you finally admitted it.

1425
01:08:21,593 --> 01:08:22,161
Double fault!

1426
01:08:22,627 --> 01:08:23,896
I'm glad you're finally
admitting it, too.

1427
01:08:24,097 --> 01:08:24,931
- That was out.
- That was in.

1428
01:08:25,131 --> 01:08:25,698
I'm telling you that was out.

1429
01:08:26,065 --> 01:08:26,933
You're telling me
about boundaries?

1430
01:08:27,432 --> 01:08:29,601
You take other people's cars!
You take other people's coke!

1431
01:08:29,802 --> 01:08:30,535
You go into my attic,

1432
01:08:31,170 --> 01:08:32,839
you go into my wallet, you go
into my house when I'm not home!

1433
01:08:33,039 --> 01:08:35,273
You don't know anything
about boundaries!

1434
01:08:38,044 --> 01:08:39,277
Okay.

1435
01:08:39,478 --> 01:08:40,579
Okay, what?

1436
01:08:40,880 --> 01:08:42,380
Okay, it was in.

1437
01:08:42,815 --> 01:08:43,816
Good...

1438
01:08:44,616 --> 01:08:45,752
I'll serve.

1439
01:08:50,990 --> 01:08:53,358
I really enjoyed the clams on
the half shell the other night.

1440
01:08:53,558 --> 01:08:55,327
They helped me
shoot straight in bed.

1441
01:08:55,527 --> 01:08:57,362
I find that subtly upsetting.

1442
01:08:57,797 --> 01:09:01,333
- My wife also enjoyed them.
- I find that very upsetting.

1443
01:09:03,368 --> 01:09:04,904
Why are you saying this to me?

1444
01:09:05,104 --> 01:09:07,006
- That was in.
- Yeah, I know it was in.

1445
01:09:07,206 --> 01:09:08,975
Good. My serve.

1446
01:09:13,345 --> 01:09:14,680
Do you shoot straight in bed?

1447
01:09:14,881 --> 01:09:16,749
None of your business
how I shoot.

1448
01:09:16,949 --> 01:09:18,785
If you ordered the clams
instead of the carpaccio,

1449
01:09:18,985 --> 01:09:20,285
you would see the difference.

1450
01:09:20,485 --> 01:09:23,288
I don't need an appetizer
to be stimulated.

1451
01:09:23,488 --> 01:09:24,891
We all need stimulation.

1452
01:09:25,091 --> 01:09:26,959
You're too submissive
to be stimulating.

1453
01:09:27,160 --> 01:09:28,593
- Girls love that.
- Women don't.

1454
01:09:28,795 --> 01:09:29,461
Yours?

1455
01:09:29,662 --> 01:09:31,030
No, you don't talk
about my wife.

1456
01:09:31,230 --> 01:09:32,932
Why? You talk about mine.

1457
01:09:33,365 --> 01:09:35,635
I saw you peering at her
through the privacy curtain.

1458
01:09:35,835 --> 01:09:36,636
I wasn't prying.

1459
01:09:36,936 --> 01:09:38,871
I said you were peering.
You said you were prying.

1460
01:09:39,071 --> 01:09:39,906
I didn't mean anything by it.

1461
01:09:40,206 --> 01:09:42,642
That's what you always say
when you get caught.

1462
01:09:42,842 --> 01:09:43,976
I don't remember what I said.

1463
01:09:44,177 --> 01:09:45,678
I remember everything you said.

1464
01:09:45,878 --> 01:09:46,979
That's the problem.

1465
01:09:54,419 --> 01:09:56,088
I lost track of the score.

1466
01:09:56,354 --> 01:09:58,390
I'd say I'm winning.

1467
01:09:58,825 --> 01:09:59,759
Your serve.

1468
01:10:15,507 --> 01:10:16,742
You ready?

1469
01:10:48,674 --> 01:10:49,842
Ready.

1470
01:10:51,711 --> 01:10:53,511
- Fifteen-Love.
- Less.

1471
01:10:54,280 --> 01:10:57,582
What did you just say?
I didn't, I didn't say anything.

1472
01:11:02,520 --> 01:11:04,056
Okay. Here we go again.

1473
01:11:05,958 --> 01:11:06,959
- Fifteen-Love.
- Less.

1474
01:11:07,159 --> 01:11:08,828
I heard you that time.

1475
01:11:11,030 --> 01:11:13,699
How does one become
loveless anyway?

1476
01:11:16,468 --> 01:11:18,137
One's wife has to die.

1477
01:11:18,570 --> 01:11:21,573
- Mine didn't.
- Yeah, well, mine did!

1478
01:11:22,074 --> 01:11:23,142
Okay?

1479
01:11:23,743 --> 01:11:25,011
Mine did!

1480
01:11:40,126 --> 01:11:43,461
Wouldn't that make you
less loveless than me?

1481
01:11:43,996 --> 01:11:45,530
And not more?

1482
01:11:45,731 --> 01:11:47,099
No, more...

1483
01:11:50,903 --> 01:11:53,471
Because your wife
is still alive.

1484
01:11:54,840 --> 01:11:57,944
And if she was dead,
then we would be even.

1485
01:12:00,179 --> 01:12:01,647
Don't even think about it.

1486
01:12:01,847 --> 01:12:03,883
I'm not thinking about that.

1487
01:12:04,817 --> 01:12:06,152
What are you thinking about?

1488
01:12:06,352 --> 01:12:09,689
That a plumber can spot a
clogged drain when he sees one.

1489
01:12:10,723 --> 01:12:12,524
You're calling me
a clogged drain?

1490
01:12:13,960 --> 01:12:16,696
You were talking about
yourself before, weren't you?

1491
01:12:20,866 --> 01:12:22,735
Don't stare at me.
Were you or weren't you?

1492
01:12:23,703 --> 01:12:24,804
Yeah, I guess I was.

1493
01:12:26,973 --> 01:12:27,773
I knew it.

1494
01:12:28,441 --> 01:12:31,110
- I can't believe it.
- Believe what?

1495
01:12:32,610 --> 01:12:35,114
You actually said
something original.

1496
01:12:35,448 --> 01:12:38,017
Something that wasn't mirrored,
or mimicked or mimed.

1497
01:12:38,217 --> 01:12:41,087
It actually came
from deep down inside of you.

1498
01:12:42,788 --> 01:12:46,624
How did you ever come up
with such an astute observation?

1499
01:12:47,226 --> 01:12:48,928
It was work-related.

1500
01:12:50,796 --> 01:12:52,031
I believe you.

1501
01:12:52,564 --> 01:12:54,166
Is that an observation?

1502
01:12:54,499 --> 01:12:55,868
It's a compliment.

1503
01:12:56,068 --> 01:12:57,703
Oh, my first one!

1504
01:12:59,138 --> 01:13:00,538
Will there be others?

1505
01:13:01,007 --> 01:13:02,574
We'll see.

1506
01:13:03,608 --> 01:13:04,744
Thank you, Tony.

1507
01:13:06,345 --> 01:13:08,881
Is it okay if I call you Tony?

1508
01:13:09,749 --> 01:13:10,515
Yeah.

1509
01:13:10,950 --> 01:13:13,019
You see, I called you Tony
before you called me Peter,

1510
01:13:13,219 --> 01:13:15,087
so it's not really
a one-way mirror, is it?

1511
01:13:19,225 --> 01:13:20,826
Maybe not, Peter.

1512
01:13:21,794 --> 01:13:22,762
Maybe not.

1513
01:13:26,365 --> 01:13:29,168
Then maybe you should be the one
wearing the red pants, not me.

1514
01:13:29,435 --> 01:13:32,004
I don't know about that but...

1515
01:13:35,241 --> 01:13:38,610
All black certainly is
depressing after a while.

1516
01:13:42,715 --> 01:13:44,750
You gonna hold on to me
this time?

1517
01:13:44,950 --> 01:13:46,652
I'll let you know.

1518
01:13:47,520 --> 01:13:51,323
You know, my wife has
an identical twin sister.

1519
01:13:51,657 --> 01:13:53,292
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

1520
01:13:53,492 --> 01:13:56,095
So I've been to her house
and she has a lot of it.

1521
01:13:56,295 --> 01:13:57,329
A lot of what?

1522
01:13:58,230 --> 01:13:59,999
A lot of clutter.

1523
01:14:10,313 --> 01:14:15,313
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