Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull M_I_SForEver
The high point of the weekend
was when my St. Bernard fell through the attic ceiling
and landed on my kitchen table.
This is one of the top 10 things that's ever happened to me...
...he said, as he stared at me with those
cold, blue, sociopathic eyes.
The dog's okay. He followed me up to the attic...
...the Kid added.
The fact that he was doing cocaine up there he did not add.
I first met The Kid
when he infiltrated our small town newspaper
right after my wife died.
I say "infiltrated" because I believe
it was a deliberate action designed to meet me.
Not that the women on the newspaper
aren't worth meeting.
They are.
But they're also old.
In some cases, very old.
So unless The Kid always wanted to sleep with his mother,
or in this particular case, his grandmother,
then I was it.
This is what I wanted to point out to you...
As an only child,
I am used to being around older people.
I am also used to entertaining myself.
These older people are very entertaining.
They would argue about the relationship between
commas, semicolons and periods
of the last newspaper issue
before starting to work on the next one.
It should have been a semicolon, not a period...
That's all there is to it.
It's no wonder their husbands are dead.
They never had a chance.
Here I am in the middle of all this,
thinking that my life is nothing more than
one long, run-on sentence...
- I was an editor... - Assistant editor.
...when he appears.
I knew your husband was cheating on you.
Everyone knew my husband was cheating on me.
Except you.
Including me!
I don't know what I'd do if my husband cheated on me.
Oh yeah?
Stick around and find out.
Now!
I see we're a little short on obituaries.
Anyone have any ideas?
I haven't seen my neighbor in a while.
Can you go over and check?
I have seen a car parked outside late at night that I don't know.
Woah...
Sounds like he's either dead or has a new girlfriend.
Hah!
I know the guy you're talking about.
He couldn't afford to move so he's living
with his girlfriend on the second floor.
- That's her car. - That's her car?
Where's the wife living?
On the first floor.
He's alive.
Next!
Ladies, I'm sorry to interrupt but we have a guest.
Oh, yes, everyone...
This is our new neighbor, who wants to join the newspaper.
Show of hands?
Congratulations, young man.
You're in.
- Is it always like that? - Like what?
That intense.
You think old ladies bickering about semicolons is intense?
You must be from New Jersey.
I am, actually.
And you just moved to New York?
It's not that far really. It's only a few miles.
It's a different world.
- Oop, sorry. - That's okay.
I like the way you smoke.
Ah, it's a bad habit.
Not on you though. It makes you look confident.
I don't need to smoke to look confident.
I am confident.
- You never smoked? - Once...
When I was 19.
I failed miserably at it.
Yeah, my wife doesn't smoke either.
You married?
Yeah, seven years. We met in high school
- How old are you? - 31. And you?
Mmm...
Not 31.
Oh look, mushrooms.
Ha-hah...
Ahhh...
Such an unusual species, too.
Yeah, there's all kinds of strange species around here.
The Mycological Society will really like this.
It'll help fellow mushroom hunters identify their finds.
So that's what you do?
Mmm...
Smell my smoke and you help people find the right mushroom?
I also raise ducks. It can be very intimidating, you know.
- You're intimidated by ducks? - Well...
Is your wife intimidated too?
Well, yes!
I'm beginning to see the attraction.
It's not the ducks exactly.
It's the satisfaction of having one need in our lives isolated
from the rest of the world that we find intimidating.
Most people call that one need "children."
Yes, but could a child lay 600 eggs in a year?
Maybe if you had one.
I'm too restless to have children.
- Is your wife restless too? - No...
But she likes the ducks for now.
- What about later? - Later she might move on.
- To a baby? - To a bee.
She also likes beekeeping.
What happens if you decide you want to stay with the ducks?
Then we're gonna have a problem.
You ever had them before?
- Before the ducks? - Yeah.
- And the mushrooms? - Yeah.
- And the cheating? - Woah!
No.
That's far enough back. What happened?
I left her for an older woman, but it didn't work out.
And?
And she took me back. We got married very soon after that.
She took you back?
She's very understanding.
I could disappear for two days and she'd just send me a text
asking if I was all right.
- Have you ever done that? - Done what?
Disappear.
Once when I went hunting for tail.
Thought we already covered that?
- No... - No?
- Un-huh. - Were you disappointed?
Yes.
Well, you're honest, I'll give you that.
An Eagle Scout has to be honest.
- You were an Eagle Scout. - Weren't you?
I would have been if I'd earned all my badges.
- You didn't earn them? - No, I bought them..
That must have upset your parents.
- They gave me the money. - I could never do that.
No, of course not, you were too busy cheating on your wife.
I wasn't cheating on my wife.
You just told me you went hunting for tail.
Yes, I did. I went hunting for bear and moose.
Wait...
So...
You pick mushrooms, you raise ducks,
but you hunt for bear and moose?
My father likes to go.
You or your father?
Do you like it or do you have to go?
I have to go.
- Then just don't go. - I have no choice.
Why? Because your father says so?
No, because my wife says so.
So you go hunting with your wife?
No, I go shopping with my wife.
That's why I have to go now. Besides, you're home anyway.
He even knew where I lived.
I thought that was it but it wasn't it.
Ohh!
Hah!
As a screenwriter, I just couldn't pass this up.
So that weekend, I decided to invite him and his wife
up to my beach house.
I wasn't surprised when he came alone.
But I was surprised that after that,
every time I went someplace, he was there.
And no matter where he turned up,
he would always say the same thing:
We're on the same wavelength!
A sushi restaurant, there...
We're on the same wavelength.
A local gym, there...
We're on the same wavelength.
I didn't even cry when my wife died,
but this kid was making me laugh until I cried.
We're on the same wavelength.
We're on the same wavelength!
And for that, I was grateful to feel anything,
and I wanted to feel some more.
S-O-C-I-O...
Okay.
P-A...
Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyes.
Great.
But I think there might be something wrong with your mind.
Why?
Because that word isn't on the chart.
Can you give me a prescription?
I can give you an address.
My brother is a psychiatrist.
Oh no, I don't need him. I need you.
I can only give you a pair of frames.
Right...
Do you have anything intimidating?
Intimidating frames?
Yes.
Something thick and black, with dark lenses.
Why dark?
Makes it harder to see me.
That's not going to solve your problem.
No, I know but I'm having dinner with The Kid tonight and
I think it might just slow it down.
Are you looking to save money?
Of course.
Then don't see him...
And then you won't need new glasses.
Thank you.
But I'm a writer...
And I'm still trying to read between the lines.
Oh!
What is this guy doing?
What's the matter with this guy?
What? What? What does that mean?
Why don't you...?
Let me pass!
What's the matter with you, huh?
What? Are you psycho?
What does that mean?
Oh, no! C'mon!
- Excuse me... - Not now.
Library humor.
How can I help?
I'm wondering if you have any information on...
What?
If you have any information on...
Sociopaths.
- I still can't hear you. - Un-huh...
Oh...
My brother-in-law's one.
Follow me.
Here we are.
It's a small section.
Yeah, most of them live in the city.
There are just a few stragglers up here.
Now, which shelf?
I don't understand.
There are different types of sociopaths.
They each get their own shelves.
What type is your brother-in-law?
Second shelf.
- That's where I'll start. - Okay.
As he talks, he stares at you and holds his gaze
a beat longer than he should.
Why the beat?
Is it to make what he's saying seem more important?
Is it to convince himself that what he's saying
is more important than what he actually is saying?
Or is it to convince me that he is as important as me?
Not that I think I'm important.
But if at least one other person at the table thinks I am,
it puts me in a better mood and I order an expensive appetizer.
The carpaccio please.
I was thinking of ordering the duck but...
- Why do you stare? - Because...
Why do I what?
Stare.
You look at me a bit longer than you should. Why?
- That's the way I communicate. - No, that's the way you stare.
The way you talk is different.
How do I talk?
Like someone who shouldn't be married.
But I am married.
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that.
You talk more than you listen.
I have to talk, I'm The Narrator.
Now it's been my experience,
with women, at least,
that if she orders white wine she's classy.
If she orders red wine, she has class,
but can get a little wild.
And if she orders rosé, she's a slut.
I'll have the rosé.
Tap water for me, please.
Does your wife order rosé?
- No, she orders white. - Hmm.
Who are you smiling at?
This older woman over there who keeps looking at us.
You like older women, right?
I did.
Ever been to a cougar club?
- A what? - A cougar club.
A place where younger guys go to meet older women.
I have.
Oh, what happened?
Not much.
Your last three responses have been two-word answers,
which tells me that something very much did happen.
I went in,
I met somebody.
I bought her a drink.
She sat on my lap.
I left.
- Alone? - I left.
- Back to two words. - I left alone.
Three words. That's better.
- Was this recent? - Recent enough.
"Recent enough."
Do you think that's fair to your wife?
Nothing happened.
But the thought that something could happen,
- that was enough for you? - For now.
I'm trying to get you from now to later a little faster.
Why?
Have you ever read "The Sociopath Next Door?"
I don't live next door.
Nevertheless, have you read it?
No.
Do you know what a sociopath is?
No.
You'd say no even if you did know.
Lack of conscience is the biggest trait.
One in 25 people is a sociopath.
What are you saying?
I'm saying I just did a head count
and it doesn't look good for you.
I have a conscience.
Did you develop this before or after
you let my dog fall through the ceiling?
That wasn't my fault.
What were you doing up in the attic anyway?
I was doing blow.
Why didn't you just do it downstairs?
'Cause there's lots of dog hair downstairs and I'm allergic.
Be allergic to shellfish. Not to my dog.
- Clams on the half shell? - Me.
Tell me about your wife.
Not much to tell really.
Oh god, I hate people who start stories that way.
I'm only 31, so it's gonna be a short story.
- I prefer novels. - That's because you're older.
Is that a crack about my age?
The photo on your driver's license wasn't recent.
And you saw my driver's license when?
When I was looking for something to cut the coke with.
- You went into my wallet? - You left it lying around.
I most certainly did not leave it lying around,
certainly not when you're around.
Are you saying you don't trust me?
You let my dog fall through the kitchen ceiling!
You didn't apologize or offer me any money to fix it!
Of course I don't trust you...
Well, it was your fault.
How was it my fault? I was in the bathroom.
Exactly. It was your fault you were in the bathroom.
If you'd come up to the attic with me,
then nothing would have happened.
I think you wanted something to happen.
- Between me and the dog? - Between me and you.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Really? I think that you do.
What kind of a person comes over
to somebody's house for the weekend with just the clothes on his back?
I left from work. I didn't have time to pack.
Goes up into a hot attic with a candle
and proceeds to do 12 lines of coke.
The candle was your idea.
And doesn't offer to pay for it.
- The candle? - The coke!
You counted the lines?
I bought the cocaine!
I count the things I pay for!
Lower your voice.
People are beginning to stare.
Oh, yeah?
How do you like it?
I'd like it better if we were at a strip club.
What are you talking...?
You know what? Never mind. Why is that?
Because I like staring a stripper down
when she's on stage.
I can usually intimidate her into doing anything I want.
Too bad she isn't a duck.
Does your wife know you go to strip clubs?
I don't tell her everything.
Is that where you picked up your little habit?
- What habit? - Your attic habit.
I'm not an addict.
You said "addict." I said "attic."
I'd really like to go upstairs again.
I don't want an addict in my attic!
I'll stay downstairs.
I wouldn't let you back in my house without
a security deposit.
Remember the next morning when I asked you if
you wanted something to eat or some coffee?
I remember.
Do you remember what you said?
I said "I don't have anything when I first get up."
That's right.
Then 10 minutes later when we drove to my neighbor's house
to go clamming and she offered you coffee, you said...
Oh, yes please.
Don't give me the eyes!
I said,
"Not when I first get up."
I didn't say it like that.
That's exactly how you said it.
I didn't mean anything by it.
That's exactly what you say when you get caught.
Remember the first thing you said to me
after the dog fell through the ceiling?
I don't remember.
You said, "This is one of the top 10 things
"that has ever happened to me."
It was.
Do you want to hear the other 9?
No, I'm 41 years old and that's not the point.
What is the point?
The point is you weren't concerned
about anything but yourself.
That's the way I've always been.
Is your wife as unconcerned?
- She's very concerned. - She should be.
I don't know how she puts up with you, kid.
Don't call me kid. I have a name.
I know you have a name, I just can't bring myself to say it.
Why not?
It implies a sense of familiarity
between the two of us
that I'm not at all comfortable with.
No, you and I are on a strictly...
pronoun name basis.
Can I call you by your name?
No, I'd be equally uncomfortable with that.
Okay...
Kid.
See? You can't even come up with anything original.
Okay...
- Friend. - Friend?
You're a neighbor.
Pal?
Don't tell me what to call you.
Well, somebody has to make a decision.
- Have we decided? - Yes, we have.
I'll have the prime rib and the sociopath here
will have the pasta from the children's menu.
Very good, sir.
Oh, I like those glasses.
But I can hardly see you though.
That's the point.
I wear contacts.
And that's how I can see right through you.
You don't have to order for me. I'm not a child.
Do you remember what you said
the first time I gave you a ride in my truck?
I said, "Where are you taking me?"
That's right.
Don't you think you should have said, "Where are we going?"
- I did. - No, you didn't.
You said, "Where are you taking me."
- It's the same thing. - No, it isn't.
"Where are we going?" is two friends
going out for a night on the town.
"Where are you taking me?" is two friends going home to bed.
What are you saying?
I'm saying that this is turning into
a gay relationship without the sex.
Eeehh...
- What was that? - An allergy.
Are you saying I'm gay?
I'm saying that you
are about as straight as this corkscrew.
Now what do you want?
What do you want?
Excuse me, fellas.
But have either of you read, The Sociopath Next Door because
- Shut up! - Shut up!
- Why are you mirroring me? - It's you that's mirroring me.
Oh my God, you're even mirroring my mirrors.
If you would have asked me first what I wanted,
it would've been easier for me to say "your wife."
But since you asked me after I asked you,
it's much more difficult to answer.
Regardless of who asked the question first...
you just answered it.
You tricked me into answering.
I didn't trick you.
You got me so frustrated that I blew.
Somebody had to make a decision.
Wow.
Spoken like a true sociopath.
You make me think that I'm in control
and all the while, you're actually in control.
I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
I'm sure that you do and now you're gonna gaslight me.
"Gaslight?"
Yeah, it's named after an old movie
where a husband drives his wife insane
by making her doubt herself.
You make me doubt myself.
- You're mimicking me. - You're mimicking me.
Maybe we're both sociopaths.
That's impossible.
There's not enough people in the room
for there to be two of us.
Did you count the bar?
No, I did not.
I did not count the bar.
We need another 25.
- Does the bartender count? - The bartender counts.
Did you get the guy talking to himself in the corner?
Yeah, I counted him.
- He could be the one. - Too obvious.
They usually blend in.
Hold on.
Nah, it's okay. You can go.
I count 17.
Yeah, I got the same count.
Not enough.
Well, one of us is off the hook.
Not so fast. We gotta check the bathrooms.
I'm gonna go look in the men's room.
Why can't I take the men's room?
Because you're gonna go talk to that woman over there.
She's gonna go check the ladies room.
That's why.
Can I buy you a drink?
- What are you, 12? - I'm 31.
Is that guy your father over there?
No, he's my friend...
Ah, pal, ah...
Neighbor... God! I don't know who he is.
Well, this is off to a good start.
Can I see some ID?
I was just having dinner over there.
That was over there, this is over here.
ID?
I'll have a rosé...
I mean, I'll have a white wine.
That's too bad.
- I'm having red. - I'll have red.
Any particular kind?
I'm having the kind that bears my name.
I'll have her. I mean I'll have that.
There were two more in the men's room. That's 19.
Ma'am.
19?
Ah, yes, my 19th birthday, it was great.
We were talking about that before.
Before what?
Before... the before.
Well, that's clear.
- You married? - Basically, yes.
- You understand? - No...
But it's consistent.
Can I ask you a question?
Married, three times, one kid.
Wow, that's not what I was gonna ask.
Impossible. They what they all ask.
It wouldn't even occur to me to ask that.
So you're saying you're different?
No, you're saying I'm different.
So what are you saying?
I'm saying hello.
Hello!
Yep...
- You are different. - A little.
- How little? - Largely... little.
Does your "basically married" wife talk the same way you do?
She doesn't talk that much.
Maybe 'cause she doesn't know what to say.
I'd say you're very attractive.
I'd say you're not wearing a wedding ring.
I'd say I'm not wearing a ring because you're very attractive.
Mmm...
See?
You're not that different.
I guess not...
Except for one little thing.
Oh yeah, what's that?
I have a thing for bathrooms.
Men's?
No.
Oh God, I was watching you all through dinner, you know.
I heard.
When you took that bread stick and shoved it in the guy's face,
my God, it really did something to me.
- No, I hope you're okay. - I will be.
God, I love a man in red pants.
- I hope you're privileged. - I am...
My family has money.
Oh, that's not the kind of privilege I was talking about.
Were your husbands privileged?
Underprivileged. That's why we got divorced.
I'm happily married.
Yeah, in a woman's bathroom?
If I told you why I'm here, you wouldn't believe it.
I believe almost anything.
Excuse me.
- Are you alone? - Yes!
My boyfriend left me this morning.
It's a horrible situation.
Horrible.
And it doesn't look good.
No. I meant, "Are you working alone?"
Oh, yeah...
Another tap water?
Why do they call it Happy Hour?
I don't know.
You think people are really happy during that hour?
I told you I don't know.
The sign was here when I bought the place.
An hour is a long time,
especially to be happy.
I'd rather be sad.
Why?
There's no time limit.
I'm trying to find out if I'm a sociopath.
A sociopath, really?
I doubt it because there's not enough of us in here.
How do you know about sociopaths?
Who doesn't know about sociopaths?
- I didn't. - Well, you wouldn't...
if you are one.
I've heard that before.
Ahh, all clear.
- Are we good to go? - We stand at 19.
Okay, we're still on the nineteen thing.
Happy Birthday...
There was nobody else in the bathroom.
But five more were in the kitchen.
One short.
24...
Too bad for you.
25...
Too bad for you.
- You like older vehicles, too? - I don't like to depreciate.
Who in the world does?
What did you say you do again?
I didn't.
Oh-oh, back to the two-word answers.
After what you just put me through,
you're lucky I'm talking to you at all.
- After what I put YOU through? - I'm not the one after my wife.
Don't you have your own wife?
I did. She died.
I'm sorry.
I assume she drank white wine?
All the time.
Too much of the time, actually.
Were you happy?
An old car is like an old marriage.
After a while,
you don't even realize it's not working properly.
I see.
How do you see? You're 31.
You're only 41.
- But I've seen more. - So I've seen less?
A lot less. Surprisingly less.
- I like surprises. - Yeah?
When your wife leaves you, don't be surprised.
This guy behind me is in for a surprise.
- He's following me too close. - Careful...
Remember, sociopaths are prone to sudden outbursts.
Yeah?
Watch this outburst.
Too bad psychiatrists don't issue gift certificates.
Do you have the money to tailgate me?
What are you crazy? You could have caused an accident.
Careful!
He's a sociopath!
I have a sister-in-law who's one of those.
I really really don't like her.
I don't care about your wife's sister! I care about my truck!
So let me ask you again, do you have the money to tailgate me?
None of your business how much money I have.
That means you don't.
It also means you don't have the money to pay
- for my chiropractor. - What chiropractor?
The chiropractor I'd call if you hit me from this direction
causing my neck to go in that direction!
- But I didn't hit you! - But you could have!
Much the same way you could have had
a happy marriage.
How do you know my marriage isn't happy?
You're all hunched over and too close to the wheel.
You're not getting laid.
I drive this way all the time.
So you haven't been getting laid for a while?
None of your business!
I'm sure your shortsightedness isn't helping the situation.
How do you know I'm short-sighted?
Because when you passed the merge before,
you waited too long to put your signal on.
If you had the ability to look ahead,
you would have seen the obstacle before you got to it,
which would have put you in the car in front of me
instead of the car behind me,
which is why we're at this point.
You figured out all this from the way I drive?
I told you!
He's crazy.
Yeah, well, how do you drive?
Not close.
I don't like automatics.
I wanted to buy a stick, my wife wouldn't...
So I was right.
It hasn't been going well...
- Lately. - Lately?
Well, it hasn't been going well for a while.
I'm sorry to hear that.
It wasn't always like this!
Two years ago, I would have seen that merge coming.
Don't be so hard on yourself. It was a heavy merge.
Don't make excuses. A merge is a merge.
If that's the way you feel about it.
That is the way I feel about it!
See, there are a lot of indecisive guys out there
in indecisive marriages.
That is why they put the right turn signal on
before making a left,
and the left one on before making a right.
I can tell you've put a lot of thought into it.
Maybe I was supposed to end up behind you tonight
so you could set me straight.
Do you want to hit me?
I'm not a violent person.
Hey, you could hit my truck?
I mean it might make you feel better.
Hunh?
Careful.
It's a trick.
What do you usually do to work out your aggression?
I usually go to the library.
Library's closed.
Hit me!
Ooo, start slow.
Is this good?
Don't talk to me. I'm not supposed to be here.
I'm supposed to be there, unaware you're gonna hit me.
I'd rather you be here.
He can't be. That's why it's called an accident.
Ignore him. Just go slow like you're on a first date.
- How's this? - Good!
Now speed up like you're on the honeymoon.
Boy, this is getting exciting!
Has your life ever flashed before your eyes?
Once, and I didn't like what I saw.
Have you ever had a near-death experience?
I hope I'm about to have one now.
By the way, why are you doing this for me?
Because I like to help people.
And it's also not my truck!
- Ahhhh! - AHHHHHH!
- Doctor, am I going to die? - Yes!
It's a horrible situation. Horrible.
And it doesn't look good.
Well, at least I'll be with my wife.
We'll be putting you under now.
I'm ready.
You're an anesthesiologist?
That's what you do?
See you on the other side.
This is one of the top 10 things that's ever happened to me.
Did you say something?
No.
Mmmm, I like Febreze...
You want some Febreze?
- I'm good. - You sure?
I said no.
My wife likes Febreze.
Alright, I'll try it.
That's one of their best ones.
It reminds me of when my wife and I went on our honeymoon.
You want to know where we went?
- Not especially, no. - Sicily.
I'm Italian, you know. Ahh, it was amazing.
So romantic. Can you imagine?
Linen and Sky.
Hot sun, beautiful beaches.
Skinny dipping at night...
I don't have a great imagination.
- Keep it. - I really don't want to.
Why? I have a lot more scents where that came from.
I would prefer no scents.
I'd rather have some scents than no scents.
If you had any sense, you wouldn't have gotten married.
But I love her.
You left her!
But I came back.
She took you back, which is nonsense.
- She's very understanding. - She's too understanding.
I don't understand.
You're a kid who wears red pants
and belongs to a mushroom society.
- Who would take you seriously? - Apparently she does.
Does she apparently know you stole a truck?
I didn't steal a truck. I borrowed it from a friend.
Who would have you as a friend?
Another mushroom picker?
I was hoping we could be friends.
Real friends, not just acquaintances.
I had my heart set on acquaintances.
The guy that drove the car was my friend.
The guy who was driving the car got divorced.
- He was unhappy. - I'm unhappy.
Your wife would make me less unhappy.
Would "Meadows and Rain" make you happy?
Would you please stop talking about Febreze!
I'm talking about real life.
What's the difference?
Ahhh, hello.
Mmm...
My wife's on her way up.
What?
Ohh...
- I gotta get out of here. - Why? There's no time.
Because if she starts feeling romantic,
I'm not gonna be able to take it.
Turn up the radio.
Hey, switch places with me so I can be closer to the exit?
We could...
but then you'd have a lot more scents.
Hmmm...
I hadn't thought of that.
Hiiii...
Oh, thank you.
No, no, don't worry, I'm okay.
It's the last time I trust the neighbor.
There we were. He wants me to take a ride in his truck.
No, I don't think he's gay.
He said he was married, but his wife died.
At least that's what he said.
We were having this perfectly nice dinner...
Umpff.
I don't think he should throw it.
Why?
He's angry.
Because if he throws it, we'll have to see her,
and I think it's important that we don't see her.
Why?
Because she's not funny.
We could make her funny.
No, I've met her. We can't.
It could be a great scene.
Great scenes aren't always funny.
I hope this one is.
Do you think it's too abrupt?
No! Audiences want something different.
Like us? Even though we're never seen again?
Who wants to see us? We're only the writer and director.
Do you think he's submissive?
Who?
The Kid in the picture.
I don't think so. He's more sick.
That's important.
Otherwise, nobody would believe that he's married.
I'd believe it.
Of course you'd believe it. You wrote it.
Even if I didn't write it, I'd believe it.
They've known each other since high school.
- Did you write that? - No, that's why I believe it.
When you know somebody that long
you really know them.
Why does he stay with her?
Because she's nonthreatening.
Why does she stay with him?
Because she doesn't know any better way to be treated.
The Narrator would treat her better.
The Kid knows that which is why he knows he can't lose her.
Why? He already lost her once.
But she'll never come back twice.
My wife came back twice and I was trying to lose her once.
The Narrator's wife is not coming back.
Don't you think you should mention how she died?
Death isn't funny and it bogs me down.
DON'T BOG ME DOWN!
Alright, but it would be helpful.
Brain aneurism.
The doorman found her and she was gone in 24 hours.
Is that helpful?
Considerably.
I want to give The Narrator another love interest.
Like who?
One of the women on the newspaper staff?
Which one?
The youngest one.
Do you think if I wore an ascot, I'd be a better writer?
Yes.
Aaah.
Thank you.
My cleaning lady usually does that for me.
The last time I saw her, I threatened to have me deported.
Aren't you okay?
- Where did you get that? - What?
That.
This? Downstairs.
What is wrong with you?
I'm sorry, I'm just...
I'm under a lot of pressure.
So is this can, but it's not gonna explode.
Can we just stop talking about the can.
I think you should really get married again.
Ohhhh...!
Wouldn't it be easier just to get another cleaning lady?
I'm not talking about right now.
Good.
I'm talking about the future.
Because right now,
I'm burying myself in my work in order to avoid my personal life.
What kind of work?
Well, it's a new screenplay based on a neighbor.
Is it about a woman who's been married three times?
Because if it is, all I ask is that you spell my name right.
I would if it was, but it isn't.
Then who is it about?
I'd really rather not say.
Then what's it about?
I'd really rather not say that, either.
You are so similar to my middle husband.
- Was he a writer? - He was a liar.
A good writer can be both.
A good husband can't be.
What did he lie about?
I'd rather not say.
Unless I say so first, right?
He was a good negotiator as well.
Alight, it's about the new guy at the newspaper.
Who? The Kid?
How many other guys do we have?
Sadly, not enough.
What?
I'm not enough?
You are.
But I like you too much to have sex with you,
although we have great banter.
And you were married 3 times?
And I didn't like any of them,
which is why I thought it would work out.
You were surprised when it didn't?
Yes.
I guess I just didn't dislike them enough,
which is strange because I hated the third one.
I think you could really grow to dislike this Kid.
I certainly did.
- Then maybe it would work out. - He's married also.
Ah, then forget it.
I wouldn't do to her what someone did to me.
Ohh...
- Your husband cheated? - One of them.
But not with a woman.
Which one?
Which husband or which man?
Either.
There was the first one with someone from
the Second Avenue Deli.
I don't think The Kid works at a deli.
He always seems to be around.
What does he do?
I don't know,
but he has money.
- Where's his family from? - Sicily.
Do you think he's in the mob?
They'd have him serving espressos in the back room
if he was.
What is his wife like?
Attractive.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
When did you see her?
I saw her at the...
hospital.
I got a look at her through the privacy curtain.
Did he ever apologize for that car accident?
God, he never apologized for the attic accident.
Which reminds me, how's your dog?
Hmmm...
He's still recuperating.
He just stares at the ceiling and shakes his head.
Poor thing. He'll get over it.
I'm still not over it.
- Then get over it! - Uhhh...
Are you okay?
Yeah, I think the neck brace is a little tight.
You need to see that Kid again.
Oh no, I just spent a week with him at the hospital
I can't take anymore.
But you're a writer and he's your subject.
If you're going to go up to the bell, then ring it.
I've rung the bell. It's hollow!
HOLLOW!
Then keep ringing it.
Why?
There's no one home.
Maybe if you keep ringing it then maybe someday
someone will come to the door.
I hope it's his wife.
Paula...
You remember our first days. You remember Italy.
There've been times when
I thought I only dreamed those days.
Come closer, Paula.
Closer.
Look into my eyes.
If I ever meant anything to you and I believe I did...
Then help me Paula.
Don't tell me you're dealing with another palimony suit?
Yes, but worse. This time, I'm the defendant.
Again?
- You should just get a cat. - I hate cats.
They close their eyes when they eat, it's just...
So?
So I want them to know who's feeding them
and who's paying for everything.
You wouldn't get sued so much if you weren't such a tough guy.
I'm not a tough guy. I just know how to hurt people
So what are you having?
Litigation if you're not careful.
As your lawyer, I'm telling you to drop the case.
It's not a case. He's a kid.
He's a basket-case kid. Just drop him.
Not that simple.
He endangered your life, put you in the hospital.
It's very simple.
- I can't do it to him. - He'd do it to you.
No, he wouldn't unless I do it to him first.
A counter suit. Even better.
Better for you not for me.
What are you talking about?
I see liability everywhere. Just look at this menu.
I don't see specials.
I see misspellings.
"Spicy Tina." What is that? C'mon!
- They mean tuna roll. - That's raw, somebody...
- Turn it off for a second! - No, I can't, no, I can't.
I suspect everyone, especially if they're frameable.
It doesn't even matter if they're guilty, not guilty...
- You suspect The Kid? - I suspect The Kid...
his wife and definitely the ducks.
If he was my client, I'd plea bargain.
Not everything is a negotiation.
Oh, yeah?
Hey, excuse me.
Yeah, I get $350 an hour, we're already $150 into it.
Where's my edamame?
Oh!
I'm a Republican too.
- You see? - Yeah, I see.
You're charging me by the hour.
If you didn't get sued so much,
you wouldn't have to charge so much.
I'll pick up the lunch.
Which means I'm picking up the lunch.
Since there's not going to be any suit,
there's not going to be any settlement.
What would I settle for?
His wife.
I'll think about it.
Don't think too long.
I'm not gonna have to.
I'm seeing The Kid tomorrow night for dinner.
- Will she be there? - I'll settle for that.
Do you have shrimp cocktail with the sauce, no rice?
Red sauce, no rice.
Spicy, spicy...
Now the fact is I couldn't settle for that.
I had gotten to the point in my script where
I started to wonder.
Was it The Kid's motives I was questioning?
- Oh my God! - Hi!
Or mine?
- You're not her. - Miss me?
What do you think?
My grandmother used to say,
"The cleaner the house, the more they're hiding."
Oh...
I'm so sorry.
What is this? Popcorn?
I don't know what you think I'm hiding.
Other than your wife?
She's at the lake house. I told you.
No, you didn't. I didn't even know you had a lake house.
I don't.
But if I did, that's where she'd be.
As it is, she's at her photography class.
- This you? - Yes.
- Is that her? - Who else would it be?
What do you think?
I don't know...
Looks like you're running away from something.
Is this hers too?
- She's good. - They are good, aren't they?
Real good.
Ooh, look at that composition.
They're not hers.
What is hers?
The baked ziti. Would you like some salad?
- She can cook, too? - She can do a lot of things.
What can you do?
You asked me that before.
I'm asking again.
I'm a mechanical engineer.
Oh, yeah?
Can you fix a clogged drain?
Ah, yeah.
Then you're a plumber.
You're very quick.
Not really.
Mmm... Pass the salad.
You're not good when I give you compliments.
Have you ever given me one?
See what I mean? I just said you were very quick
and you replied with a quip.
What do you want me to say?
I want you to say,
"Thank you."
Don't tell me what to say.
If you don't say what I want then I'm going to stop
giving you compliments.
I don't want you to give me compliments.
I'd rather you criticize my criticisms.
That's not as powerful.
Oh? Is that what this is about?
Power?
Are these the mind games you play on your wife?
None of your business.
I think it is my business.
I think at a party when a husband only introduces himself
and the woman he's with has to say,
"And I'm his wife," that's my business.
I think when a husband gets so drunk
that he jumps in his neighbor's car
and asks that neighbor to drive him home,
leaving his wife standing on the street...
That's my business.
- Who are you talking about? - I'm talking about you, Kid.
The first time I saw you wasn't at that newspaper meeting.
It was at a party back in December.
- I don't remember meeting you. - You didn't.
But I met your wife. I spoke to her.
When?
Right after you got so drunk,
she had to tell you to calm down.
What did you say?
I told her she could do better.
- What did she say? - Nothing.
She just looked at me with this vacant stare.
That's because she's shy.
No, that's because she's vacant.
- What's the difference? - Being married to you.
I vaguely remember that party.
I clearly remember it.
Why?
Because you were wearing those same stupid red pants.
What's wrong with these pants anyway?
Nothing...
If you were 20 years old and
mimicking your personality from Abercrombie & Fitch.
- I'm not mimicking anybody. - Then say something original.
You say it first.
It'd be much more interesting if you did.
Are you saying I'm not interesting?
No...
I'm saying the most interesting thing about you...
is me.
What was that?
I had an itch.
An itch?
I mean, look at this house.
What could anyone possibly know about the people that live here?
That they're neat and clean?
Is that a bad thing?
Not really.
But when I walk into a room, I act like I own it.
When you walk into a room, you act like you're renting it.
Where's the clutter?
- The what? - The clutter.
The stuff that makes up a relationship, a real life.
I have clutter.
Where is it?
Upstairs.
That's it?
Isn't that clutter?
That's organized clutter.
Yeah, it took me hours to get it to look that way.
It should have taken you years.
I don't have that kind of time.
- Then make it. - How?
By getting a bigger cabinet,
in another house, in a different town.
Well, I'm not moving.
I think you should consider it.
I think you're out of your element.
I like my element.
Do you even know what your element is because I don't.
You have no emotion, no inflections, no opinions.
In short, you have no empathy.
- I don't understand. - Exactly.
When was the last time you cried?
In about ten minutes.
There's like a chunk of you that's missing.
Maybe it's in the clutter.
- I bet you don't even vote. - I don't, do you?
- I'm not telling you. - I'm not telling you either.
- You just did. - You tricked me.
You tricked yourself.
Does your wife vote?
She hasn't voted since high school.
This is not high school. This is life school,
and you have to participate.
What if I don't want to participate?
Then you get marked as absent
and you don't get any presents at Christmas time.
- I like presents. - Oh?
What's that?
That is a house-warming present.
There's more where that came from if you join us.
Where do I join up?
Any place there's an opinion.
The kitchen table is a good place to start.
I don't have a kitchen table.
That's probably why you don't vote.
I have a dining room table.
Not the same.
But I can make a kitchen table.
Building is good.
I built everything in this house.
Rebuilding is better.
- What's wrong with this house? - It's monotonous.
It's why you speak in a monotone.
Oh yeah?
At least my house isn't messy.
How do you know that my house is messy?
Were you in there when I wasn't home?
- Were you? - You left the back door open.
The back door is for the dog, not for you.
How is the dog?
He's fine. Don't change the subject.
Well...
- Your desk is nice. - Thank you.
Did you see anything interesting on my nice desk?
- Your desk light is nice too. - I know.
Did you read anything interesting on my nice desk
with my nice desk light?
Not really. Just a script.
But your handwriting is very hard to read.
I'm sorry, I'll work on that.
And what did you think of my script?
I think if you thought that was an expensive bottle of wine
that I ordered at the restaurant,
then you'd be wrong.
And that's all you have to say?
Other than that? I thought it was a very well-written scene.
Am I missing something?
Everything!
You know I'm making you much more interesting
than you actually are.
You really should clean up that house of yours.
- Oh, no... - I could do it.
- No, no, no... - It wouldn't take any time.
It's messy.
It's messy because there's a real, actual life
going on in there!
Plus I have a dog.
I had ducks.
You had...?
I ate them.
You seem upset.
I am upset.
I had the wrong shelf.
What?
Nothing.
How can you live like this?
Knock those pencils over.
- I can't. - Try.
I cannot.
I order you to knock those pencils over!
You knock them over for me.
No, you're going to do something first, first!
I'll pay you to do it.
How much do I owe you?
I insist.
Now, we're even!
Your wife paints?
She did.
So did mine.
Was she any good?
The truth is she turned to the brush
instead of the bottle.
She should have turned to the bottle.
But instead all I said was,
Yes...
She was very good.
Mine was, too.
What a surprise.
I'm not mirroring you.
You can't be, it's a one-way mirror.
I can see you, you can't see me.
Oh yeah? Why is that?
Because when one side of the mirror is brightly lit
and the other side is darkened,
you can only see from the darkened side.
Why do I have to be the one that's brightly lit?
Because you're the one wearing the red pants.
And I'm the one all in black.
- You're an imp. - Thank you.
I hate imps.
No one talks to them at parties,
and somehow they still find me. How do they always find me?
It was you who found me.
You came up to me that day after the newspaper meeting.
You came up to me, I did not come up to you, imp.
Then why didn't you walk away?
I really don't know.
I think morbid curiosity.
You were so odd, so strange, that I was intrigued.
Is that it?
No, that's just the beginning.
Then I found myself being defensive.
Why are you so sensitive?
Because of you, because you're so manipulative.
You want me to explain why you think I'm sensitive.
And I won't.
- Are you done? - I will be...
Once I get over my depression.
You're depressed?
Not as much as you.
I'm always happy. Like a Bollywood movie.
That's what's depressing.
Bollywood movies aren't depressing.
You base your emotional life on Indian musicals.
- Yes. - Why?
Because even after the sad parts,
they still sing and dance.
Reality just isn't good enough for you, is it?
Is this the sad part?
This is the sad part.
I thought so.
Do you think your wife is happy?
I've never thought about it.
Think about it.
Yes.
I think she's tired.
And I think you're out of control.
And you're in control?
At least I don't have to wrap my personality
around someone else's in order to have one.
- Is that a compliment? - That is an observation.
You have other observations? I'd love to hear them.
- No, you wouldn't. - Why?
Because you're loveless.
You have no passion for anyone or anything.
And I don't know why. I don't even think you know why.
Or maybe you do and this is all just an act,
but I doubt it.
What I do know is that no one can give it to you.
You have to go and get it all on your own.
You're blocking the door?
No, I'm just leaning against it rather harshly.
- Why do you say I'm loveless? - Because I am!
And if someone as loveless as you can find a girl
who loves him like that,
then that is the girl for me.
Is that why you're leaving? Because of her?
No, I'm leaving because of you.
Because you're more loveless than I am,
which means you'll need her far more than I ever will.
But I thought we were friends?
We are not and never were.
- I thought after all this time. - What time?
I've only known you for 6 months.
But mushrooms grow fast.
I am not a mushroom!
People take longer to cultivate.
How much time do you need?
I don't know. We're out of time.
But I'm still working at it.
You can't be
because I'd have to be working on it first, and I'm not.
Then I want to work on something else.
Like what?
My backhand.
You play tennis, don't you?
Yes, my wife taught me how. Why're you changing the subject?
Because I'm losing the argument and mine taught me, too!
Your wife has a lot of free time between her painting,
photography, and the lake house she doesn't have.
- Yeah, she works for me. - Oh, she holds tools, too?
She's my accountant.
- You pay her to be your wife? - I pay her to account.
- To who? - To me.
I don't have to account to you.
And I'm leaving.
You have to account for yourself. And you're playing.
- Right now? - Yes, now.
It's nighttime.
And it's on the other side of town.
I know. And it's time I crossed over.
That was you on the Vespa.
Get on!
Are you kidding me? I'm not getting on that thing.
Big bikes scare me.
You wanted me to do something first, first, so I am.
So get on.
I don't have to hold on to you, do I?
I can see why you steal cars!
You can borrow it anytime you want!
Did you ever crash?
What?
CRASH!
Once. I hit a tree.
What happened?
I woke up after a few hours.
You went to the hospital?
No, I went home.
That explains a lot.
Watch the road!
- Am I using your wife's racket? - No.
You're using mine. I'm using hers.
That explains why you're winning.
- Fault! - Yours.
- I know it's my fault. - Good...
I'm glad you finally admitted it.
Double fault!
I'm glad you're finally admitting it, too.
- That was out. - That was in.
I'm telling you that was out.
You're telling me about boundaries?
You take other people's cars! You take other people's coke!
You go into my attic,
you go into my wallet, you go into my house when I'm not home!
You don't know anything about boundaries!
Okay.
Okay, what?
Okay, it was in.
Good...
I'll serve.
I really enjoyed the clams on the half shell the other night.
They helped me shoot straight in bed.
I find that subtly upsetting.
- My wife also enjoyed them. - I find that very upsetting.
Why are you saying this to me?
- That was in. - Yeah, I know it was in.
Good. My serve.
Do you shoot straight in bed?
None of your business how I shoot.
If you ordered the clams instead of the carpaccio,
you would see the difference.
I don't need an appetizer to be stimulated.
We all need stimulation.
You're too submissive to be stimulating.
- Girls love that. - Women don't.
Yours?
No, you don't talk about my wife.
Why? You talk about mine.
I saw you peering at her through the privacy curtain.
I wasn't prying.
I said you were peering. You said you were prying.
I didn't mean anything by it.
That's what you always say when you get caught.
I don't remember what I said.
I remember everything you said.
That's the problem.
I lost track of the score.
I'd say I'm winning.
Your serve.
You ready?
Ready.
- Fifteen-Love. - Less.
What did you just say? I didn't, I didn't say anything.
Okay. Here we go again.
- Fifteen-Love. - Less.
I heard you that time.
How does one become loveless anyway?
One's wife has to die.
- Mine didn't. - Yeah, well, mine did!
Okay?
Mine did!
Wouldn't that make you less loveless than me?
And not more?
No, more...
Because your wife is still alive.
And if she was dead, then we would be even.
Don't even think about it.
I'm not thinking about that.
What are you thinking about?
That a plumber can spot a clogged drain when he sees one.
You're calling me a clogged drain?
You were talking about yourself before, weren't you?
Don't stare at me. Were you or weren't you?
Yeah, I guess I was.
I knew it.
- I can't believe it. - Believe what?
You actually said something original.
Something that wasn't mirrored, or mimicked or mimed.
It actually came from deep down inside of you.
How did you ever come up with such an astute observation?
It was work-related.
I believe you.
Is that an observation?
It's a compliment.
Oh, my first one!
Will there be others?
We'll see.
Thank you, Tony.
Is it okay if I call you Tony?
Yeah.
You see, I called you Tony before you called me Peter,
so it's not really a one-way mirror, is it?
Maybe not, Peter.
Maybe not.
Then maybe you should be the one wearing the red pants, not me.
I don't know about that but...
All black certainly is depressing after a while.
You gonna hold on to me this time?
I'll let you know.
You know, my wife has an identical twin sister.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
So I've been to her house and she has a lot of it.
A lot of what?
A lot of clutter.
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