1
00:00:01,664 --> 00:00:03,131
So, folks, welcome
back to the bottom half

2
00:00:03,132 --> 00:00:04,766
of the eighth inning,
or as it's better known,

3
00:00:04,767 --> 00:00:06,835
the Gerry's Gelatin Home Run Inning.

4
00:00:06,836 --> 00:00:09,638
Gerry's Gelatin...
nutritious, delicious, and fun.

5
00:00:09,639 --> 00:00:11,273
G-G-G-Gerry's.

6
00:00:11,274 --> 00:00:13,141
If someone knocks one out of the park

7
00:00:13,142 --> 00:00:15,343
in a long Italian boat, for a gondola,

8
00:00:15,344 --> 00:00:17,612
Dan Hobert of Sedalia's

9
00:00:17,613 --> 00:00:21,250
gonna win a six-month supply
of gelatin, so good luck, Dan.

10
00:00:23,486 --> 00:00:25,887
You know, folks, the great
Vin Scully once told me

11
00:00:25,888 --> 00:00:27,822
that the only way to
call a baseball game

12
00:00:27,823 --> 00:00:29,724
is to keep your eyes open
and to tell the truth.

13
00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:32,995
As Ibañez swings and misses
at a fastball, 0 and 1.

14
00:00:43,839 --> 00:00:45,373
Folks, here's the truth...

15
00:00:45,374 --> 00:00:48,743
Today is the 20th anniversary
of the very first time

16
00:00:48,744 --> 00:00:51,446
that I told my lovely
wife Lucy that I loved her.

17
00:00:51,447 --> 00:00:53,682
And ever since that
day, as many of you know,

18
00:00:53,683 --> 00:00:56,084
I've signed off every single
game the exact same way,

19
00:00:56,085 --> 00:00:57,452
with a message to her.

20
00:00:57,453 --> 00:00:59,955
Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear,

21
00:00:59,956 --> 00:01:01,756
because this ball game is over,

22
00:01:01,757 --> 00:01:03,825
as Pedro delivers a
slider into the dirt.

23
00:01:03,826 --> 00:01:07,062
Count evens, 1 and 1.

24
00:01:07,063 --> 00:01:10,498
Any-hoos, I had some time at
the ball park this afternoon

25
00:01:10,499 --> 00:01:12,467
to reflect upon this
wonderful anniversary

26
00:01:12,468 --> 00:01:15,236
as Ibañez slashes one
foul into the right side.

27
00:01:15,237 --> 00:01:16,938
And I decided to go on home

28
00:01:16,939 --> 00:01:19,808
and surprise my wife
Lucy with some gardenias.

29
00:01:19,809 --> 00:01:21,309
They're her favorite flower.

30
00:01:27,116 --> 00:01:30,518
Please imagine my surprise
when I opened my front door

31
00:01:30,519 --> 00:01:32,954
to find about a half-dozen naked folks

32
00:01:32,955 --> 00:01:34,322
sprawled out in my living room,

33
00:01:34,323 --> 00:01:36,825
engaged in what can only be described

34
00:01:36,826 --> 00:01:39,861
as a desperate and a hungry
account of a love-making,

35
00:01:39,862 --> 00:01:45,734
and right in the center
of it all was my wi...

36
00:01:45,735 --> 00:01:47,102
My wife, Lucy.

37
00:01:48,304 --> 00:01:50,171
She was wearing a strap-on,

38
00:01:50,172 --> 00:01:52,807
and she was plowing our
neighbor, Bob Greenwald,

39
00:01:52,808 --> 00:01:55,010
and folks, I do mean right in the ass.

40
00:01:55,011 --> 00:01:56,745
Fastball misses. Just low.

41
00:01:56,746 --> 00:01:58,580
Count goes full 3 and 2.

42
00:01:58,581 --> 00:01:59,814
Did he just say "strap-on?"

43
00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:01,049
Hey, for you kids at home,

44
00:02:01,050 --> 00:02:03,685
a strap-on is a belt with a dildo on it

45
00:02:03,686 --> 00:02:05,687
that mommies use to penetrate daddies

46
00:02:05,688 --> 00:02:08,890
as Ibañez strikes
out on a high fastball.

47
00:02:08,891 --> 00:02:10,358
That'll bring Clark up to bat.

48
00:02:10,359 --> 00:02:13,194
Clark having himself a heck of
an afternoon with two doubles.

49
00:02:13,195 --> 00:02:15,497
Bob Greenwald. Bob Greenwald!

50
00:02:15,498 --> 00:02:19,234
I mean, that two-faced S.O.B.
I hosted his kid's Bar Mitzvah.

51
00:02:19,235 --> 00:02:22,037
I hosted his kid's Bar Mitzvah!

52
00:02:22,038 --> 00:02:24,205
Here's the kicker. Here's what kills me.

53
00:02:24,206 --> 00:02:28,009
My wife Lucy has the stone,
she has the unmitigated gall

54
00:02:28,010 --> 00:02:32,414
to turn to me and tell me
that she is a sexual astronaut.

55
00:02:32,415 --> 00:02:34,482
I mean, what is that?
What does that even mean?

56
00:02:34,483 --> 00:02:36,751
I mean, granted, Bob Greenwald's ass

57
00:02:36,752 --> 00:02:38,787
might be as big as the goddamn moon.

58
00:02:38,788 --> 00:02:42,157
That does not mean that my wife
has been to outer space, okay?

59
00:02:42,158 --> 00:02:45,393
And that is a deep fly
ball to right center field.

60
00:02:45,394 --> 00:02:47,195
- That one is way back there!
- Jim! Jim!

61
00:02:47,196 --> 00:02:50,331
That's either out of here
or lost inside my wife's

62
00:02:50,332 --> 00:02:53,668
big, fat, cheating vagina!

63
00:02:53,669 --> 00:02:56,838
Congratulations, Dan Hobert of Sedalia.

64
00:02:56,839 --> 00:03:00,008
I only hope you enjoy
gelatin half as much

65
00:03:00,009 --> 00:03:02,210
as my lovely wife enjoys...

66
00:03:09,318 --> 00:03:10,218
Jim! Just call the game!

67
00:03:10,219 --> 00:03:11,986
I am calling the goddamn game.

68
00:03:11,987 --> 00:03:13,021
Jim! Calm down, Jim!

69
00:03:13,022 --> 00:03:14,256
God damn! No, why don't you calm down?

70
00:03:17,393 --> 00:03:18,726
Whore!

71
00:03:19,728 --> 00:03:21,062
You people be professional!

72
00:03:21,063 --> 00:03:23,598
Gerry's Gelatin...

73
00:03:23,599 --> 00:03:26,534
delicious, nutritious, and fun.

74
00:03:26,535 --> 00:03:27,869
G-G-G-Gerry's.

75
00:03:40,683 --> 00:03:42,917
Today might say Spring on the calendar,

76
00:03:42,918 --> 00:03:45,687
but Old Man Winter is
still reaching his hand

77
00:03:45,688 --> 00:03:49,757
inside your coat and giving
one last squeeze, isn't he?

78
00:03:49,758 --> 00:03:51,226
Still...

79
00:03:51,227 --> 00:03:55,029
Anything beats that three-hour
bus ride from Pittsburgh.

80
00:03:55,030 --> 00:03:58,032
Very difficult not to get claustrophobic

81
00:03:58,033 --> 00:04:01,169
around all of that concentrated sadness.

82
00:04:01,170 --> 00:04:02,871
And as a result,

83
00:04:02,872 --> 00:04:05,908
Brockmire's gonna reach
for the doobie early.

84
00:04:19,288 --> 00:04:22,857
Well. Let's see who we have
in attendance here today.

85
00:04:24,527 --> 00:04:28,931
I see we have some feral dogs.

86
00:04:30,633 --> 00:04:33,968
And a boy with a gun.

87
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:36,805
And Brockmire is officially disturbed.

88
00:04:44,747 --> 00:04:46,114
Oh, shit!

89
00:04:46,120 --> 00:04:48,116
- Jim Brockmire?
- Yeah.

90
00:04:48,127 --> 00:04:51,052
I'm Julia James. I'm the owner
of the team here in Morristown.

91
00:04:51,053 --> 00:04:51,953
Yeah. Ms. James...

92
00:04:51,954 --> 00:04:52,887
Oh, call me Jules.

93
00:04:52,888 --> 00:04:55,390
Whatever. Um, fire.

94
00:04:55,391 --> 00:04:56,791
Yeah, we get those around here.

95
00:04:56,792 --> 00:04:58,326
Are you ready to get started?

96
00:04:58,327 --> 00:04:59,160
What can I grab?

97
00:04:59,161 --> 00:05:01,629
Uh, careful.

98
00:05:01,630 --> 00:05:04,933
You're wearing your jacket!

99
00:05:04,934 --> 00:05:06,834
Welcome to the minor
leagues, Jim Brockmire.

100
00:05:13,209 --> 00:05:15,777
Oh, what is that smell?

101
00:05:15,778 --> 00:05:18,880
Oh, that's waster water
from the fracking runoff.

102
00:05:18,881 --> 00:05:21,216
To, um... To get natural
gas from the shale,

103
00:05:21,217 --> 00:05:23,484
they have to pump all kinds
of nasty shit into the ground.

104
00:05:23,485 --> 00:05:24,786
Where do they do all that?

105
00:05:24,787 --> 00:05:26,354
Right here.

106
00:05:26,355 --> 00:05:28,256
Here, right now, where we are?

107
00:05:28,257 --> 00:05:29,591
Well, here, there.

108
00:05:29,592 --> 00:05:31,559
Pretty much everywhere
beneath Morristown.

109
00:05:33,052 --> 00:05:35,930
One of the perks of owning
the bar... no corkage.

110
00:05:35,931 --> 00:05:37,131
Keep it Brockmire.

111
00:05:37,132 --> 00:05:38,867
Mm-hmm.

112
00:05:42,629 --> 00:05:44,572
Mnh.

113
00:05:44,573 --> 00:05:45,873
On the phone, you said you haven't been

114
00:05:45,874 --> 00:05:49,377
back to the states since the, um...

115
00:05:49,378 --> 00:05:50,545
In a long time.

116
00:05:50,546 --> 00:05:52,280
No, I've been spanning the globe.

117
00:05:52,281 --> 00:05:55,116
I've been calling every kind
of sporting event that exists.

118
00:05:55,117 --> 00:05:56,517
Finally, I would up in Manila

119
00:05:56,518 --> 00:05:59,087
where I've been calling the
cock fights on television.

120
00:05:59,088 --> 00:06:00,922
Ah, what the hell?

121
00:06:00,923 --> 00:06:02,557
I figure by now I'm just a joke

122
00:06:02,558 --> 00:06:04,259
that everybody's forgotten about.

123
00:06:04,260 --> 00:06:06,829
Yeah, right.

124
00:06:08,230 --> 00:06:11,266
Are you serious?

125
00:06:11,267 --> 00:06:12,734
Do you not use the Internet?

126
00:06:12,735 --> 00:06:14,836
No, I don't bother with that thing.

127
00:06:14,837 --> 00:06:17,205
If I need porn, I just buy a nudie mag,

128
00:06:17,206 --> 00:06:19,641
like my father and
his father before him.

129
00:06:19,642 --> 00:06:21,342
Okay, so, "Keepin' it Brockmire",

130
00:06:21,343 --> 00:06:22,777
that means nothing to you?

131
00:06:22,778 --> 00:06:23,812
Should it?

132
00:06:35,424 --> 00:06:37,725
Try to look past the wear and tear

133
00:06:37,726 --> 00:06:40,561
to the reservoir of charm underneath.

134
00:06:40,562 --> 00:06:42,930
It should be like looking in the mirror.

135
00:06:50,339 --> 00:06:52,106
This is it, and this is Charles.

136
00:06:52,107 --> 00:06:53,274
He'll be, uh...

137
00:06:53,275 --> 00:06:55,176
He'll be helping you
with your broadcasts.

138
00:06:55,177 --> 00:06:56,794
All right.

139
00:06:56,841 --> 00:07:00,381
Well, may I ask your
qualifications, son?

140
00:07:00,382 --> 00:07:04,485
He's, uh, basically
an Internet whiz kid.

141
00:07:04,486 --> 00:07:06,387
Uh, yeah. I, um...

142
00:07:06,388 --> 00:07:08,389
I have the most Twitter
followers in town.

143
00:07:08,390 --> 00:07:12,493
I, uh, have over 4 million
Vine loops in total.

144
00:07:12,494 --> 00:07:15,697
DJ Khaled once shouted
me out on a jet ski.

145
00:07:15,698 --> 00:07:18,701
All right. Where's my actual
radio producer, though?

146
00:07:19,735 --> 00:07:22,370
Currently, we don't
have a radio contract.

147
00:07:22,371 --> 00:07:25,540
Well, then who am I broadcasting to?

148
00:07:25,541 --> 00:07:27,275
You'll be doing exclusive play-by-play

149
00:07:27,276 --> 00:07:30,736
to the stadium that people
pay admission to hear.

150
00:07:30,744 --> 00:07:33,214
I'm the P.A. announcer?

151
00:07:33,215 --> 00:07:34,291
Darling, on the phone,

152
00:07:34,314 --> 00:07:37,552
you promised me a multi-platform
distribution dealy.

153
00:07:37,553 --> 00:07:40,288
Yeah, that was kind a
euphemism for the Internet

154
00:07:40,289 --> 00:07:44,225
where Charles here
will be uploading clips

155
00:07:44,226 --> 00:07:45,526
of your broadcasts.

156
00:07:45,527 --> 00:07:46,761
Yeah. I, um...

157
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,948
I've been working on keeping
my hand really steady.

158
00:07:48,974 --> 00:07:51,165
Um, you lied to me.

159
00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:53,000
I hustled you. There's a difference.

160
00:07:53,001 --> 00:07:54,168
Hey. Hey!

161
00:07:54,169 --> 00:07:56,204
I didn't just take a 12-hour plane ride

162
00:07:56,205 --> 00:07:57,839
to get a semantics lesson, all right?

163
00:07:57,855 --> 00:08:00,096
And who in the world is
gonna watch video clips of me

164
00:08:00,102 --> 00:08:02,961
on the Innernet?

165
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:05,513
He's never seen any of them.

166
00:08:05,514 --> 00:08:07,315
- Well, you know what? Pull one up.
- How... How is that?

167
00:08:07,316 --> 00:08:09,183
Yeah, he doesn't own a computer.

168
00:08:09,184 --> 00:08:10,381
Can you... Let's just show him.

169
00:08:10,404 --> 00:08:12,487
It'll be easier if we just show you.

170
00:08:12,503 --> 00:08:13,541
Show me w-what?

171
00:08:13,621 --> 00:08:14,721
I'll do the conference room one.

172
00:08:14,722 --> 00:08:15,455
Oh, yeah, that's good.

173
00:08:15,456 --> 00:08:16,856
It's my favorite, anyway.

174
00:08:16,857 --> 00:08:19,592
I want to apologize to
the people of Kansas City,

175
00:08:19,593 --> 00:08:23,162
and most importantly, to my wife Lucy,

176
00:08:23,163 --> 00:08:24,530
who I can still smell.

177
00:08:24,531 --> 00:08:27,333
I think she's... Yeah,
she's... she's in my jacket.

178
00:08:27,334 --> 00:08:30,036
Excuse me. Please, bear with me.

179
00:08:30,037 --> 00:08:31,671
I'd like to apologize to the people...

180
00:08:31,672 --> 00:08:34,274
No, it's... I can still smell her.

181
00:08:34,275 --> 00:08:35,975
She's in my shirt.

182
00:08:36,810 --> 00:08:38,444
I can still smell her.

183
00:08:38,445 --> 00:08:41,281
I can't do this if I can smell her.

184
00:08:41,282 --> 00:08:44,450
Lucy, you are not a whore.
Whores get paid money.

185
00:08:44,451 --> 00:08:46,419
You are a slut.

186
00:08:46,420 --> 00:08:48,129
A dirty, dirty slut.

187
00:08:48,207 --> 00:08:51,691
I apologize for that, too.
Why can I still smell her?

188
00:08:51,692 --> 00:08:53,893
Well, she's in my skin, is why.

189
00:08:53,894 --> 00:08:55,028
No, no. Kevin. I've got it.

190
00:08:55,029 --> 00:08:57,297
Anyway. So...

191
00:08:57,298 --> 00:08:59,432
Mm. 10 years ago,

192
00:08:59,433 --> 00:09:02,468
your breakdown in the booth
and... and press conference

193
00:09:02,469 --> 00:09:05,071
were like the original viral videos.

194
00:09:05,072 --> 00:09:07,106
So that's pretty neat. Right?

195
00:09:07,107 --> 00:09:09,242
- I mean...
- There's a lady on my face!

196
00:09:09,243 --> 00:09:11,244
Are you kidding me? There's a lady...

197
00:09:13,180 --> 00:09:14,814
I'm so... I'm sorry.

198
00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,883
That... That part, it always gets me.

199
00:09:16,884 --> 00:09:19,719
Steve! There's a lady on my face!

200
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,120
All right, just get it
off. Get it off, please.

201
00:09:21,121 --> 00:09:22,190
Get it off of where?

202
00:09:22,237 --> 00:09:23,346
Make it go away.

203
00:09:23,385 --> 00:09:24,588
Well, I can't.

204
00:09:24,612 --> 00:09:26,459
No, don't pause... Just get it...

205
00:09:26,460 --> 00:09:28,108
- Get it off of there.
- Hey, the thing is,

206
00:09:28,162 --> 00:09:30,209
I can't get it off 'cause
it's on the Internet.

207
00:09:30,327 --> 00:09:33,762
- So it's... it's forever.
- It's permanent.

208
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,949
So people just watch videos
of the worst moments of my life

209
00:09:37,066 --> 00:09:38,867
and just laugh at my pain?

210
00:09:38,868 --> 00:09:41,536
- No.
- Yes.

211
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:43,204
Oh, my God. I mean, you know,

212
00:09:43,205 --> 00:09:45,507
I thought I hit rock bottom
in a handicapped stall

213
00:09:45,508 --> 00:09:49,010
in Bangkok when a Thai lady-boy
snorted crank off my Johnson

214
00:09:49,011 --> 00:09:51,779
while a sunburned German
watched us on the toilet.

215
00:09:51,780 --> 00:09:53,314
There he is.

216
00:09:54,150 --> 00:09:55,350
You can still paint a picture.

217
00:09:55,351 --> 00:09:58,786
Yeah, but that... That
is a good deal worse.

218
00:09:58,787 --> 00:09:59,954
Brockmire, listen to me.

219
00:10:01,157 --> 00:10:02,991
That is not what you're
gonna be remembered for.

220
00:10:02,992 --> 00:10:04,959
Trust me. I have a plan.

221
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,461
Uh, quick question.

222
00:10:06,462 --> 00:10:09,364
So, the... the German guy...

223
00:10:09,365 --> 00:10:12,834
Was he on the toilet or
was he, like, on the toilet?

224
00:10:12,835 --> 00:10:14,836
The guys are dying to meet you!

225
00:10:14,837 --> 00:10:17,139
Uh, let's head down to the locker room.

226
00:10:20,910 --> 00:10:21,743
There's a lady on my face!

227
00:10:22,878 --> 00:10:25,313
Okay? There's a lady on my face!

228
00:10:25,314 --> 00:10:26,981
There's a lady on my face, Kevin.

229
00:10:26,982 --> 00:10:28,216
Oh, Kevin!

230
00:10:28,217 --> 00:10:29,752
There's a lady on my face!

231
00:10:30,986 --> 00:10:33,821
Hey! Everybody decent?

232
00:10:35,991 --> 00:10:38,560
Damn, boss. Why you dressed up today?

233
00:10:38,561 --> 00:10:40,361
What? I'm not!

234
00:10:40,362 --> 00:10:43,131
This will be your legacy.

235
00:10:43,132 --> 00:10:46,768
Calling Morristown's
magical 2017 season.

236
00:10:46,769 --> 00:10:48,169
Guys, no smoking. Come on.

237
00:10:48,170 --> 00:10:50,104
I-I'm sorry, but am
I... am I supposed to be

238
00:10:50,105 --> 00:10:51,139
impressed by this?

239
00:10:51,140 --> 00:10:53,374
I convinced Major
League players, coaches,

240
00:10:53,375 --> 00:10:54,709
and one legendary broadcaster

241
00:10:54,710 --> 00:10:56,477
to come to Morristown, Pennsylvania.

242
00:10:56,478 --> 00:10:58,213
Heck yeah, you should be impressed!

243
00:10:58,214 --> 00:11:00,848
No. No!

244
00:11:00,849 --> 00:11:02,850
She's on my face.

245
00:11:02,851 --> 00:11:04,185
Lady on my face!

246
00:11:04,186 --> 00:11:05,687
- That's the guy!
- Brockmire!

247
00:11:07,189 --> 00:11:09,891
Guys, no!

248
00:11:18,834 --> 00:11:20,268
Wait! Brockmire,

249
00:11:20,269 --> 00:11:22,805
the bus doesn't even
leave till tomorrow!

250
00:11:27,042 --> 00:11:30,912
Hey.

251
00:11:30,913 --> 00:11:34,115
I know a place where
you can drink for free.

252
00:11:38,220 --> 00:11:41,789
And by free, I meant well
drinks with half-off top shelf.

253
00:11:41,790 --> 00:11:45,187
The silent treatment? Really?

254
00:11:45,218 --> 00:11:47,195
Okay.

255
00:11:47,196 --> 00:11:48,463
While I have the floor,

256
00:11:48,464 --> 00:11:50,565
I'd like to direct your
attention to the memorial

257
00:11:50,566 --> 00:11:52,433
my father made to his favorite player.

258
00:11:52,434 --> 00:11:55,370
"Pops" himself, Willie
Stargell. I'm 8 years old.

259
00:11:55,371 --> 00:11:56,771
He pulls me out of school
in the middle of the day

260
00:11:56,772 --> 00:11:58,873
to see Pops' last game.

261
00:11:58,874 --> 00:12:02,644
He tells my teachers, "When God retires,

262
00:12:02,645 --> 00:12:05,813
the least you could do is
give him a round of applause."

263
00:12:05,814 --> 00:12:07,949
We had seats down the first base line.

264
00:12:07,950 --> 00:12:10,585
Pops got his last hit
right in front of us.

265
00:12:10,586 --> 00:12:12,720
Just a little squib back to the pitcher.

266
00:12:12,721 --> 00:12:15,156
Guy's a Hall of Famer,
but in that moment,

267
00:12:15,157 --> 00:12:17,525
he's just an overweight,

268
00:12:17,526 --> 00:12:19,060
middle-aged man in yellow spandex

269
00:12:19,061 --> 00:12:21,996
hustling to beat out an infield single.

270
00:12:21,997 --> 00:12:24,299
And it taught me a
lesson I never forgot.

271
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:25,533
You do whatever you can

272
00:12:25,534 --> 00:12:27,736
to accomplish what you can when you can.

273
00:12:35,244 --> 00:12:38,246
I sold my house and took out
a second mortgage on the bar

274
00:12:38,247 --> 00:12:40,680
to buy the Frackers, and
I did it for one reason.

275
00:12:40,686 --> 00:12:44,155
It's the same reason you
flew 9,000 miles to be here.

276
00:12:44,386 --> 00:12:49,224
Neither of us can imagine
a life without baseball.

277
00:12:55,998 --> 00:13:00,568
"Frackers" is a very stupid
name for a baseball team.

278
00:13:00,569 --> 00:13:05,054
Yeah? Well, before this, we
were the Morristown Savages,

279
00:13:05,060 --> 00:13:07,952
and our mascot was a little
baseball with a headdress

280
00:13:08,070 --> 00:13:09,471
who rolled around drunk.

281
00:13:09,472 --> 00:13:11,440
So Frackers is an upgrade.

282
00:13:13,709 --> 00:13:16,012
I hung out with Pops once or twice.

283
00:13:17,601 --> 00:13:18,601
What?!

284
00:13:18,814 --> 00:13:20,248
Bury the lead!

285
00:13:20,249 --> 00:13:22,684
What was he like?

286
00:13:22,685 --> 00:13:24,085
Pops?

287
00:13:24,086 --> 00:13:25,921
He made you feel like
you could climb Everest,

288
00:13:25,922 --> 00:13:28,757
as long as he was in front
of you throwing down the rope.

289
00:13:28,758 --> 00:13:31,359
See? That's the kind of
stuff you need to be saying

290
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,328
into a microphone at one of my games.

291
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:36,765
Don't go back to Manila.

292
00:13:36,766 --> 00:13:38,466
Besides, it'd be pointless.

293
00:13:38,467 --> 00:13:40,802
You can't run away from the
truth now that you've heard it.

294
00:13:43,806 --> 00:13:46,108
Stay here.

295
00:13:47,777 --> 00:13:49,778
You know what?

296
00:13:49,779 --> 00:13:53,348
You are absolutely right, Ms. James.

297
00:13:53,349 --> 00:13:56,585
Of course I am.

298
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:58,553
About which part?

299
00:13:58,554 --> 00:14:01,089
Ignorance is no longer an option for me.

300
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:05,794
I need to know everything,
and I need to know it now.

301
00:14:05,795 --> 00:14:08,363
At this point, you're a way of life.

302
00:14:08,364 --> 00:14:09,931
People "keep it Brockmire."

303
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:13,001
Yeah. I keep seeing pictures
of tattoos that say that.

304
00:14:13,002 --> 00:14:13,811
What is that?

305
00:14:13,860 --> 00:14:15,460
Yeah, well, Drake started it.

306
00:14:15,571 --> 00:14:18,473
"She was a 7, but I still
set her pussy on fire,

307
00:14:18,474 --> 00:14:20,141
You know your boy keep it Brockmire."

308
00:14:22,678 --> 00:14:24,412
B... You're a legend.

309
00:14:24,413 --> 00:14:29,284
Who care if it's because your
wife Lucy'd Bob Greenwald?

310
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:31,087
I'm sorry, my wife what?

311
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,957
Mnh.

312
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,760
"Lucy'd" is slang

313
00:14:38,761 --> 00:14:43,164
for when a woman

314
00:14:43,165 --> 00:14:46,701
does a man in the butt.

315
00:14:59,348 --> 00:15:00,882
You want to get high?

316
00:15:00,883 --> 00:15:03,251
So I need stimulants to outrun

317
00:15:03,252 --> 00:15:04,986
the waves of depression

318
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:08,089
currently approaching
high tide in my body.

319
00:15:08,090 --> 00:15:11,259
So we're chewing some khat here.

320
00:15:11,260 --> 00:15:13,896
This is a habit that
I picked up in Yemen.

321
00:15:17,233 --> 00:15:19,169
Are you bitching out on me?
Is that what you're doing?

322
00:15:19,196 --> 00:15:20,857
Psht.

323
00:15:22,638 --> 00:15:23,938
Just chew it up there.

324
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,710
There you go.

325
00:15:28,711 --> 00:15:30,745
Son, I have a question for you.

326
00:15:30,792 --> 00:15:33,948
And I'd like you to,
uh, keep it Brockmire.

327
00:15:33,949 --> 00:15:35,684
Mm-hmm.

328
00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:37,819
You think I'm ever gonna
be remembered for anything

329
00:15:37,820 --> 00:15:42,023
except for the worst moments of my life?

330
00:15:42,024 --> 00:15:46,294
They got you on video, dude... Twice.

331
00:15:46,295 --> 00:15:48,997
You're Brutal Brockmire
till the day you die.

332
00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:54,752
Yeah, that's what I thought.

333
00:15:58,197 --> 00:15:59,831
You know, I don't feel anything.

334
00:16:00,004 --> 00:16:02,047
Oh, just give it time.

335
00:16:03,512 --> 00:16:05,613
Whoo! This is fun!

336
00:16:05,614 --> 00:16:06,715
Fun!

337
00:16:06,721 --> 00:16:08,321
Fu-u-u-u-un!

338
00:16:08,410 --> 00:16:11,453
Yeah, khat is somewhere
between 10 cups of coffee

339
00:16:11,454 --> 00:16:13,688
and very low-grade cocaine, so...

340
00:16:13,694 --> 00:16:15,851
It's my first time on a baseball field!

341
00:16:15,907 --> 00:16:17,507
Fun!

342
00:16:17,626 --> 00:16:19,294
How's that even possible?

343
00:16:19,295 --> 00:16:21,329
Because baseball is one
of those old-timey things

344
00:16:21,330 --> 00:16:24,566
you don't need anymore,
like cursive or e-mail!

345
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:28,570
Stop! Right now. Freeze.

346
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:31,373
It's August 16, 1920.

347
00:16:31,374 --> 00:16:33,074
Ray Chapman of the Cleveland Indians

348
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:36,211
steps into the batter's box at
New York to face the Yankees.

349
00:16:36,212 --> 00:16:37,712
He looks out at the pitcher,

350
00:16:37,713 --> 00:16:40,243
but in the afternoon
light of the Polo Grounds,

351
00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:43,126
the infield is just
totally bathed in shadow.

352
00:16:43,386 --> 00:16:46,256
Pitcher wound up and
he delivered the ball,

353
00:16:46,351 --> 00:16:48,652
but that ball had
been rubbed and covered

354
00:16:48,653 --> 00:16:52,322
in tobacco and dirt,
hell, even some licorice,

355
00:16:52,323 --> 00:16:55,859
till it just exactly as
dark as the infield shadows

356
00:16:55,860 --> 00:16:58,200
that complete hid it from Ray Chapman.

357
00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,392
- Bam!
- Aah!

358
00:16:59,463 --> 00:17:01,864
Down he went! He got
hit right in the temple!

359
00:17:02,233 --> 00:17:03,267
Never saw it coming.

360
00:17:03,268 --> 00:17:05,502
He died right there,
right at home plate!

361
00:17:05,503 --> 00:17:08,438
W-Why... Why... Why
are you telling me this?

362
00:17:08,439 --> 00:17:10,391
I'm high and very fragile right now.

363
00:17:10,438 --> 00:17:15,045
Why would you tell me an awful
story in which some guy dies?!

364
00:17:15,046 --> 00:17:17,281
The thing is, was it awful, though?

365
00:17:17,282 --> 00:17:20,884
Think about it... Ray Chapman
spent his last moments on Earth

366
00:17:20,885 --> 00:17:26,290
playing a wonderful game
on a warm summer afternoon.

367
00:17:26,291 --> 00:17:29,459
And is there a better
way to go out than that?

368
00:17:33,197 --> 00:17:36,867
Well, that's just a waste of good khat.

369
00:17:44,008 --> 00:17:47,377
I'm really glad you decided to stay.

370
00:17:47,378 --> 00:17:49,088
Today's gonna be a big day.

371
00:17:49,140 --> 00:17:50,473
Oh, yes, indeed,

372
00:17:50,748 --> 00:17:54,017
'cause I decided to call
one final baseball game

373
00:17:54,018 --> 00:17:56,620
and then kill myself.

374
00:17:56,621 --> 00:17:59,223
Please give that suicide
note to Lucy after I'm gone.

375
00:18:04,662 --> 00:18:06,486
It just says you.

376
00:18:06,492 --> 00:18:09,634
She'll know what it's regardin'.

377
00:18:10,501 --> 00:18:12,520
All right, two outs now.

378
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:14,434
Bottom of the eighth.
Or as I used to know it,

379
00:18:14,473 --> 00:18:16,762
the Gerry's Gelatin Home Run Inning.

380
00:18:16,840 --> 00:18:18,741
Let's go, Frackers!

381
00:18:18,742 --> 00:18:20,376
Hey, a fun fact, folks.

382
00:18:20,377 --> 00:18:23,779
Gelatin is made from the bones
of slaughtered cows and pigs,

383
00:18:23,780 --> 00:18:26,782
which are then crushed
and treatment with acids

384
00:18:26,783 --> 00:18:30,886
and chemicals until they reduce
to a fine collagen powder.

385
00:18:30,887 --> 00:18:33,822
Fastball just catches the
inside corner, 0 and 1.

386
00:18:33,823 --> 00:18:36,291
I ask you, Morristown,
what kind of a creature

387
00:18:36,292 --> 00:18:38,861
doesn't just kill its
prey, but then uses science

388
00:18:38,862 --> 00:18:41,030
to rob it of its very living essence?

389
00:18:41,031 --> 00:18:43,766
Stevens just misses with
a breaking ball outside.

390
00:18:43,767 --> 00:18:45,200
Count evens, 1 and 1.

391
00:18:45,201 --> 00:18:47,136
Make no mistake.

392
00:18:47,137 --> 00:18:49,638
There's nothing decent
about human beings, folks.

393
00:18:49,639 --> 00:18:52,541
No objective, definable form of good.

394
00:18:52,542 --> 00:18:53,842
Not really a soul.

395
00:18:53,843 --> 00:18:55,878
More like the absence of a soul.

396
00:18:55,879 --> 00:19:01,083
Juuuuuuuust blackness.

397
00:19:01,084 --> 00:19:05,454
So, if you want to stare into
the gaping yawn of oblivion,

398
00:19:05,455 --> 00:19:06,755
don't look up to the heavens.

399
00:19:06,756 --> 00:19:07,890
No, no.

400
00:19:07,891 --> 00:19:09,825
Just look squarely into the mirror.

401
00:19:09,826 --> 00:19:11,660
Strike 3!

402
00:19:11,661 --> 00:19:13,128
Strike 3 called, and
that'll end the eighth.

403
00:19:13,129 --> 00:19:14,763
What the hell was that, Brockmire?!

404
00:19:14,764 --> 00:19:15,899
I'm trying to focus here!

405
00:19:18,935 --> 00:19:20,769
Enough of the kid glove shit, okay?

406
00:19:20,770 --> 00:19:23,305
So, boo-hoo, your wife
Lucy'd your neighbor.

407
00:19:23,306 --> 00:19:24,706
That's just a word everybody uses?

408
00:19:24,707 --> 00:19:26,508
Babies, grandmas, just everybody?

409
00:19:26,509 --> 00:19:30,379
Personally, when I stare into
the gaping yawn of oblivion,

410
00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:31,680
or whatever you were talking about,

411
00:19:31,681 --> 00:19:33,182
I ball my fists and take a swing!

412
00:19:33,183 --> 00:19:34,316
Well, hey, good for you.

413
00:19:34,317 --> 00:19:36,085
If you're gonna eat a bullet, so be it.

414
00:19:36,086 --> 00:19:37,286
Nobody here's gonna stop you.

415
00:19:37,287 --> 00:19:38,587
Well, no, no, no. I love naps,

416
00:19:38,588 --> 00:19:40,756
so it's pills with a
bag over my head for me.

417
00:19:40,757 --> 00:19:43,158
Might even draw a little
smiley face on the bag,

418
00:19:43,159 --> 00:19:45,194
add a sense of whimsy
to the proceedings.

419
00:19:45,195 --> 00:19:47,162
Whatever way you want
to do it, sounds great.

420
00:19:47,163 --> 00:19:49,698
But if you go, you're gonna
miss a hell of a season.

421
00:19:49,699 --> 00:19:51,700
Darling, I have seen enough baseball

422
00:19:51,701 --> 00:19:53,302
to last me 100 lifetimes.

423
00:19:53,303 --> 00:19:56,406
"Darling," you've never
seen anything like this.

424
00:20:00,009 --> 00:20:01,276
All right.

425
00:20:01,277 --> 00:20:02,878
Stepping in to pinch-hit now

426
00:20:02,879 --> 00:20:05,981
for the Frackers is
former competitive eater,

427
00:20:05,982 --> 00:20:07,449
Fatty Boombalatty.

428
00:20:07,450 --> 00:20:09,885
That's right, I said Fatty Boombalatty.

429
00:20:09,886 --> 00:20:11,820
And at 400 pounds,

430
00:20:11,821 --> 00:20:13,755
he is officially the fattest player

431
00:20:13,756 --> 00:20:15,057
in the history of baseball.

432
00:20:15,058 --> 00:20:16,825
Folks, that's no small feat

433
00:20:16,826 --> 00:20:18,193
because fat guys have
been a part of this game

434
00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:19,061
from the beginning.

435
00:20:19,062 --> 00:20:20,429
Babe Ruth himself,

436
00:20:20,430 --> 00:20:22,097
the very greatest of the greats,

437
00:20:22,098 --> 00:20:24,333
was also a big, fat piece of shit,

438
00:20:24,334 --> 00:20:27,970
so wonderful bit of history
we are looking at here.

439
00:20:27,971 --> 00:20:29,906
Ah, here comes the pitch.

440
00:20:31,574 --> 00:20:32,975
Whew! Ouch.

441
00:20:32,976 --> 00:20:34,810
Well, that was nothing
if not predictable.

442
00:20:34,811 --> 00:20:36,645
And as he makes his way to first,

443
00:20:36,646 --> 00:20:39,481
stepping in now for the
Frackers is who I believe to be

444
00:20:39,482 --> 00:20:42,217
the second-fattest man in
the history of baseball,

445
00:20:42,218 --> 00:20:45,821
former long-haul trucker
and gout survivor.

446
00:20:45,822 --> 00:20:47,289
Mr. Doug Romero.

447
00:20:47,290 --> 00:20:51,226
Ohh! That was fast.

448
00:20:51,227 --> 00:20:55,665
Okay. Two on now, and folks, see
if you can sense a pattern here.

449
00:20:56,232 --> 00:20:58,300
Oh, shit!

450
00:20:58,301 --> 00:21:00,335
Ooh, that one had some
anger behind it, didn't it?

451
00:21:00,336 --> 00:21:04,706
All right. Bases loaded
as Pedro Uribe steps in.

452
00:21:06,276 --> 00:21:08,143
Uribe during his time in the big leagues

453
00:21:08,144 --> 00:21:10,554
was known as "The Grand Slam King."

454
00:21:10,616 --> 00:21:13,315
Frackers have used some
pretty ingenious gamesmanship

455
00:21:13,316 --> 00:21:14,483
to load the bases.

456
00:21:14,484 --> 00:21:16,518
Let's see if they can
do anything with it.

457
00:21:16,519 --> 00:21:20,589
Hello, baby.

458
00:21:20,590 --> 00:21:22,157
Here comes the pitch.

459
00:21:22,158 --> 00:21:24,561
- Pedro!
- Bring it home, Pedro!

460
00:21:27,197 --> 00:21:30,532
Oh, folks, that ball cannot
be buried in a Jewish cemetery

461
00:21:30,533 --> 00:21:34,303
because it just got tattooed!

462
00:21:34,304 --> 00:21:36,972
Oh, man!

463
00:21:36,973 --> 00:21:41,610
$1,000 worth of cured Italian meat.

464
00:21:41,611 --> 00:21:43,178
A grand salami!

465
00:21:43,179 --> 00:21:48,383
Pedro Uribe cuts the
lead to only eight runs.

466
00:21:48,384 --> 00:21:50,018
Score is 12 to 4.

467
00:21:55,892 --> 00:21:58,393
I suppose you have more of
that kind of stuff planned?

468
00:21:58,394 --> 00:22:02,497
Every game.

469
00:22:02,498 --> 00:22:05,301
I want top-shelf liquor
included in my free drinks.

470
00:22:07,437 --> 00:22:09,205
Monday through Thursday.

471
00:22:14,477 --> 00:22:15,811
Ah, it. I'm in.

472
00:22:15,812 --> 00:22:17,279
Yes!

473
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:19,381
Yeah! Okay, for now.

474
00:22:19,382 --> 00:22:21,583
I'm also pretty shitfaced,

475
00:22:21,584 --> 00:22:25,153
so best to take everything I say
with a big, fat grain of salt.

476
00:22:25,154 --> 00:22:27,222
Please tell me you got
that home run on video.

477
00:22:27,223 --> 00:22:29,891
Oh, psht.

478
00:22:29,892 --> 00:22:33,314
- Yes.
- Now here's

479
00:22:33,759 --> 00:22:35,063
a minor league clip a viewer sent in.

480
00:22:35,064 --> 00:22:36,898
A home run estimated to have traveled

481
00:22:36,899 --> 00:22:39,101
an impressive 580 feet.

482
00:22:39,102 --> 00:22:40,669
But check out the elephant parade

483
00:22:40,670 --> 00:22:42,671
running around the bases.

484
00:22:42,672 --> 00:22:45,741
$1,000 worth of cured Italian meat.

485
00:22:45,742 --> 00:22:48,977
- Jimmy?
- A grand salami! Pedro Uribe

486
00:22:48,978 --> 00:22:51,380
- cuts the lead to only eight runs.
- You're still alive?

487
00:22:53,082 --> 00:22:56,518
Frackers fans just found a
prize in the Cracker Jack box

488
00:22:56,519 --> 00:22:59,122
in the form of a bunch of fat men.

489
00:22:59,275 --> 00:23:03,341
Synced and corrected by Dragoniod for
- www.addic7ed.com -