Previously, on "Brockmire."
Ten years ago, your breakdown in the booth
and press conference were like the original viral videos.
Who am I broadcasting to?
You'll be doing exclusive play-by-play
to the stadium.
I'm the P.A. announcer?
Here comes the pitch...
Well, that was nothin' if not predictable.
You're starting to look good to me, and you're a goddamn disaster.
A surprise finger in the keister!
And Brockmire is into it.
You think I'm ever gonna be remembered for anything
except for the worst moments of my life?
You're "Brutal Brockmire" till the day you die.
"Fun fact, Butterman is"... That's not a fun fact.
Jenny, we got to watch these cards.
Sip.
Yeah?
We need to talk.
Um, all right.
Let's, uh, take a quick break.
Give us the room, please, ladies.
No, I don't want one.
Uh, if we're about to have the conversation I think we are,
you're gonna want one.
So, you've seen the pictures?
I have not.
Look, they're blowing it out of proportion.
It was just a Halloween costume.
Six years broadcasting with you in this booth
and they want to kick me to the curb
over some goofy pictures?
"Goofy pictures"?
You're in goddamn lingerie
kissing a woman dressed as a man.
Robbie, that's Kansas City out there,
not "Caba-goddamn-ret."
So, you have seen them?
Well, of course I've seen them. Everybody's seen them.
And why'd you have to be so goddamn attractive in them,
especially after 9/11?
What's 9/11 have to do with anything?
9/11 has to do with everything. People are still fragile.
They can't handle the confusing feelings
brought on by the combination of your delicate features
and muscular build.
I know I couldn't.
Look, I'm swallowing my pride,
and I'm asking you for help.
Because... frankly,
you have an insane amount of power.
And with one word, you can save me.
Come on, Jim.
A broadcast team is still a team.
Look, Robbie, you're too late, all right?
It's already been done.
Who's my replacement?
Well you're looking at him.
Robbie, they offered me a one-man booth.
I mean, can you believe it?
I mean, Red Barber, Vince Scully,
and now Jim Brockmire.
I just... I can't get over it.
Look, friend, this'll all blow over soon.
You'll be fine.
Few years from now, they're gonna invite you back
for Old Timers Day.
It'll be like none of this ever happened.
Look, I-I just... I want to thank you for everything...
Vince Scully is a legend.
You're a deep voice in a cheap suit.
People will learn that eventually.
The real you is too ugly to hide forever.
Now, just relax.
The break between a double header is the best time in baseball.
It's that perfect blend of postgame high
and pregame jitters.
It's known as the broadcaster's speed ball.
Okay, the only thing dumber
than playing two boring-ass baseball games
in one day is putting a two-hour delay
in between the boring-ass games.
You just have to use the time
to contemplate the more important things in life,
like rye whisky, for example.
This is the first American... Hey, pay attention.
... first American booze made by the colonists
when rum started to become scarce.
Rye whisky has a quiet dignity about it.
Please, stop. Stop it.
I watch you get drunk all day every day.
Yeah, I just can't bear to hear you describe it.
Can we maybe try to have a conversation?
Okay.
Um, well, do you have any questions for me?
No. I already know everything about you.
You've literally never asked me a question about myself.
Oh, come on. That's not true.
Just yesterday I asked you...
I asked you if my breath still smelled like vomit.
All right, no, point taken. Point taken.
_
Hey.
Make sure and translate what I'm about to say.
- It's important. - For the last time,
I am not his translator.
I am a reporter... hm... Assigned to cover him.
Whatever, man. Just help me out here, okay?
- Fine, fine, fine. - Hey, yo, listen up!
Hey, since we got to kill sometime today
before the second game of the double header,
I thought we should do our first kangaroo court
of the year, baby.
This is for the new guys. This is how the Frackers do it.
You accuse someone of an offense.
They argue their case, and then we vote.
Hey. You getting all this?
Uh, yes, yes. Hey, Yoshi.
_
- Ah? - "Ah."
Exactly.
If they are guilty, they pay the fine into the kitty.
Now, remember, the kitty is for the beer
and the porn website passwords we share, so pay up!
Pay up!
Hey, who wants to start?
- Me! Me! - Right here! Right here!
Hey, hey!
Elton missed a bunt sign last week.
- Ooh! - A-At Slippery Rock?
I thought Coach gave me the swing away.
Hey, what says the room?
Guilty!
Hey! I'd like to accuse Elton again.
What's the offense?
Just, like, being a whiny little bitch.
What are you guys even talking about?!
Guilty!
- Guilty! - I have someone.
I accuse el hijo de la porra, "Ooshi."
"Unchi da."
"It's Yoshi."
"Unchi."
- Ooh. - Oh.
Oh!
- I know what I always meant to ask you. - Okay.
Why do you work for a baseball team
when you are so defiantly ignorant about the game?
This team is the only thing that makes our town special.
I plan on getting some experience here,
then moving to New York to finally start my life.
Sounds like a decent plan for you.
You'd probably do pretty well in Chelsea
if you just bulk up a little bit.
You know, 'cause right now you got the delicate frame
of a twink, but you don't quite have the temperament.
Um...
What?
I say you have the delicate frame of a twink...
No, I-I heard you.
I just...
I'm not gay, Brockmire.
And why would you think that I am?
'Cause I never seen you with a girl,
you're uncomfortable in your own skin,
and you tend to hug the walls when you're in public.
See, what you just described is a socially awkward nerd.
That's who I am.
I panic around girls and crowds
and people I don't know.
All right, but I also used your computer
to look up some naked photos of Ann-Margret...
- Okay, wow! - ... and I discovered
what you called your "inspiration" folder,
which is really just a bunch of pictures
of handsome men in various states of dress.
What you found was my fashion inspiration folder.
Okay, did you wonder
why 90% of those photos were just of shoes?
I just figured that was some kind of a gay black thing.
I need your language skills.
Locker room is about to explode.
I mean, they were speaking Japanese and Spanish so fast
I could barely understand what they were saying.
I've seen my fair share of kangaroo courts,
but I've never seen anything like this.
It's all gonna be fine.
It's just the locker room's way of cleansing itself.
It all gets worked out...
Yep.
Whoa! Whoa!
Please, just tranquillo, all right?
And you guys, uh...
Nobody do anything.
All right, so, here's the deal.
Um, the Latin players all have Uribe's back,
but the pitchers all support Yoshi.
All right, but this is okay. This is just...
This is the way the locker room cleanses itself.
Oh, no, no, no.
No matter how this thing shakes out,
one half of this locker room is not gonna play with the other,
so, no, this is a doozy of a pickle of a shit storm.
Anyhoos, best of luck to you.
Wait a minute.
For some reason, our attendance is back in the crapper.
We can't alienate the rest of the fans we have
by canceling the second game.
You have to fix this.
I do? Me? Why me?
I-I'm the P.A. announcer.
'Cause nobody else in town speaks both Spanish and Japanese, and you know,
Yoshi's translator's gotten really uppity lately.
You know, I know I could help, but why would I?
Hey, that... No, that's your team, not mine.
You have something better to do?
I do, actually.
- I was "pontifidrinking"... Right now? - You have somewhere to be?
- Okay, how about you help me... - which is a portmanteau of "pontificating"
... because last night when you knocked on my door
at 3:00 in the morning high on speed
begging me to be your girlfriend...
Whoa, whoa, hey.
Just because I don't want to wear a condom anymore
does not make me your boyfriend.
There was an implicit agreement that you would give back
- as much as I'm giving. - What are you talking about?
I've been going down on you so much lately
I put your pussy down as my forwarding address.
I'm not talking about giving back sexually,
because that should just stay the same or increase if possible.
I'm talking about a favor.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
I'm gonna bring Jim in.
He's gonna help us figure this out. Jim?
All right, look...
We all want justice here.
Justice will be if the richest guy on the team
pays a $100 fine.
[Players shouting indistinctly
"If you're looking to blame somebody"
for your injuries, perhaps you should not stand
"so close on top of the plate."
"You penis biter."
Whoa!
Guys.
Look, it's obvious that some kind
of a bush-league kangaroo court is not gonna settle this.
So, instead we're gonna do a Major League kangaroo court.
That's actually not a bad idea. All right.
Major League kangaroo court... So, that means evidence,
witnesses, the whole shebang.
Now, Uribe's gonna be the prosecutor, all right?
I will be the defense attorney.
Now, we need a judge... Somebody who is impartial
who's not caught up in all of this baseball drama.
Yo, Drake and Taylor Swift are dating!
Albums, y'all!
What's going on?
What is this trial even about, though?
Uribe wanted Yoshi to throw a pitch
and hit a batter on the other team.
Oh.
Well, that's easy. Uribe's guilty.
- Mnh, no. - No.
That's a... That's a standard baseball request.
Yoshi's on trial 'cause he didn't do it.
Baseball is a up sport, and I want you to know it.
Hey.
Every...
Everyone.
Um, uh, Mr. Uribe,
do you have any evidence you'd like to...
Oh, sí.
- Oh! - Ooh.
Oh, damn.
Okay.
"Rawlings" is spelled out backwards inside the bruise.
Yep, that's a baseball right there.
That's horrifying.
Sí. Verdad.
I call my witness...
Ryan Stanton.
Mr. Stanton,
What did I tell you
after ratreria's pitch hit Uribe?
You told me to tell Yoshi to hurt him...
Then some Dominican gibberish.
- But you understood what I meant. - Yeah.
You wanted payback.
Exactamente!
Payback...
So, did you give him my message?
I made sure it was told.
No more preguntas.
Yoshi...
_
All right.
Um, Mr. Stanton...
so you... you didn't tell Yoshi yourself?
I told Coach Pompom to give him the word,
then I watched Coach Pompom go over there and tell him.
You watched him, but did you hear what he said?
No.
Okay, so your testimony is that you don't really know anything.
I assumed...
Whoa, knowledge and assumptions,
those are like Loggins and Messina.
They seem similar, but time proves
one of them to be completely worthless.
Gentlemen, a moment.
Probably just a misunderstanding.
Yeah, Pompom must've called an audible
and he didn't tell Yoshi to throw at anybody.
We just got to get Pompom to testify,
and, boom, everybody's happy.
Yeah, the only problem is Pompom ran out of here,
and I have no idea where he is.
Well, knowing Pompom, he's probably
out doing something weirder than shit.
All right, I'm gonna go try to find
whatever rock he crawled under.
Can you stall?
Some would argue that's what I do for a living.
You guys seen Pompom? Anybody?
Guys? Have you seen Pompom?
Julia James... How's my favorite owner?
Uh, not great, Gary. Not great.
Attendance was really light today,
and now I see why.
Can't compete with free money.
Yeah, we're just doing a little positive P.R.
for Pennsylvania Shale.
We got to coordinate on this kind of thing, though,
'cause weekend ticket sales make my nut.
Oh, sorry about that.
This one came up kind of fast, you know?
Two or three puppies were born without legs,
and everybody plays the blame game.
That's really my job at Pennsylvania Shale, you know, to put out fires.
Oh, you guys gonna finally put out that fire on Euclid Avenue?
Metaphorical fires... The literal fire on Euclid
will be burning long after we've left this earth.
What the shit?
There's one of these events scheduled
for every Frackers home game.
Hm.
I don't have the schedule in front of me,
so I'm gonna have to take your word on that.
Jesus Christ, you goddamn piece of shit!
Pennsylvania Shale's trying to ruin the season,
and you're helping them!
Jules, I'm not gonna lie to you.
Hey, guess what!
You don't know who you're messing with!
I'm gonna Lucy them right in their asses!
Pompom!
- Hm? Hi, Ms. James. - We got to go.
This way.
- Yeah, let's hustle, okay? - All right.
We don't want the kittens to come out of the basket.
So, why did Hitler invade Russia
and voluntarily start a war on two fronts?
Well, he was still basically the same reckless man
from the Beer Hall Putsch in 1923.
He let impatience overwhelm strategy.
Oh, um, anywhoodles, the point is this.
If you're gonna chew tobacco,
don't let it get all over the floor. That's what Hitler would've done.
Uh, quick side bar, then I'm gonna call my final witness.
What? What's the matter with you?
No, nothing... just Pennsylvania Shale's trying
to destroy me, and also Gary's evil.
So, go ahead and gloat. You were right about him.
Oh, no, no, now, you think I'm the kind of guy
that likes to say, "I told you so,"
but that's not true.
I love to say it, and I will be doing so
in the days and months ahead at random moments
when you least expect it.
We got 20 minutes till the next game.
Can we wrap this up, please?
- All right, a quick question... - Yeah.
When you and Pompom were walking back,
did you talk at all about how I told you so?
And it begins.
All right, I call Pompom.
All right, Stanton has testified that he thought
you told Yoshi to bean the pitcher.
But what did you actually say?
I told Yoshi to bean the pitcher.
Mm.
Then, I said if he didn't,
he might permanently alienate his teammates.
Now, I remember it well because there was
a middle-aged woman slowly eating a corn dog
in the stands behind him, and I filed the whole thing away
in my spank bank.
Compelling testimony.
Look, he says that that conversation,
it never happened.
Well, then, Szechuan Sam is lying.
Yoshi says that he refuses to play
for any team that calls him a liar.
_
- Yoshi, he quits. - Yoshi! Yoshi!
Yoshi, we can work something out!
Oh, boy.
Your best player leaving on the same day
that a billion-dollar company declares war on you.
That has got to be a kick in the kitty cat.
I think the important thing here is, though, that I helped.
Why is that important?
Because I didn't have to.
I just don't get how Pompom and Yoshi can have
such wildly different versions of the same exact conversation.
I mean, it was just the two of them.
Wait, the... The three of them,
because the translator had to be there, right?
Oh!
Oh, shit! Wait.
Did I just solve it?
I think that you did, yeah.
I knew it. I knew I solved it.
Look at me on my "Law & Order: SVU" type shit.
Just set me up, and I knocked it out like,
- "These are their stories." - Yeah, very nice.
But for the record, when I tell this story,
I'm gonna be the one that solves it.
It's just it's gonna flow better that way.
Hey, hey, cut the bull... Hey! Cut the bullshit.
Why are you trying to take away Yoshi's last chance?
I had to get him to quit.
I cannot live here.
Just 10 minutes ago, I saw a child who was so fat
that he could not get up off his back.
H-He look like a-a tortoise.
Holy shit, is that kid still there?
Oh, yeah.
You didn't try to help him up either, huh?
Oh, no, ugh. H-He looked very sticky.
Hai, hai.
- Among other things. - _
Look, I know you feel the same as I do about this town.
Every game, I listen to you get drunk
to deal with the reality that you are trapped
here in this place.
No, no, I just have a drinking problem, friend.
But you're not wrong. This town is...
a gaping shit hole.
So...
So, why do you care what happens here?
And that was the moment that I realized that I cared.
Why did I care?
Because I was finally part of a team.
I didn't mean to join it, but, you know,
when you care about one person, then you start to care
about who they care about, and on and on that goes
until you look around one day and you realize
that there's a group of people you'd actually fight for,
and that goes for everybody in this room.
We are all part of a team.
Look, I live my life very selfishly.
The last teammate I had, I betrayed him.
Why?
Because of ambition and my own very narrow-minded views on sex.
But with age and experience, I've come to realize, fellas,
that sexuality is...
Well, it's really more of a spectrum.
Yes, it is. No, it is.
Guys, one time when I was in Estonia...
No, no, no, just stay with me on this.
I was hiking through the forest, and I came upon
what must've been a cruising spot for gay men.
In the center of this clearing was
what could best be described as...
Well, it was a stump...
Ohh! ... worn smooth from years of casual anonymous encounters.
- That is enough of that! - Guys... guys after guys...
All right, we are already 10 minutes late for warm ups.
Let's get on the field!
Let's go! Come on now!
Yoshi, my friend, are you joining us?
Ah.
_
- Yeah, he's real happy to be here. - Ah!
Look, the truth is I speak Japanese
at a third-grade level, so you're gonna have
- to get somebody else to translate. - That's okay.
I am just so glad something finally broke
my way today and everything got resolved.
- All right. - No, no, no, no, Miss Jules.
Mnh-mnh.
What can I do for you, my friend?
I still don't have payback for the Summerville pitcher.
I actually have an idea about that.
Now, your mom didn't say it was an emergency exactly,
but it did sound kind of important.
So, just go straight back there. You'll see a phone.
Straight back. Keep going.
Yoshi Takatsu? I am a big fan.
Whoa!
- Charles. - Mm-hmm?
I just want to say I'm sorry if I went a little overboard
on all of that gay stuff, you know?
The truth is everybody in your generation seems gay to me.
But I want you to know...
Ooh!
- I want you to know, Charles... - Hm?
... that whatever you become, I think it's gonna be really special.
You know why? 'Cause you're smart
- and you don't take any shit, son... - Hey, whoa!
... and that's exactly what you need to navigate
the cold chaos of this world.
Aah!
Aaah!
T-Thank you.
You're killing me!
Thank you!
- "Ooshi," no! - We should... We should... Let's...
Let's... Yeah. Let's get out of here. Hurry up.
You know, this whole thing has showed me that you and I,
w-we're kind of a team, too.
We're kind of like...
We're kind of like boyfriend and girlfriend.
Yeah, I know, Jim.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
How long have you known that?
Mm...
when I stopped paying for your hotel room
'cause you were sleeping at my apartment every night.
So, wait. A-Are we living together?
If it offends your delicate sensibilities,
you can tell yourself you're squatting.
I need a beer.
- I'll grab you one. - No, that's all right.
Dale!
Goddamn, you are beautiful.
Lucy?
Synced and corrected by Dragoniod for - www.addic7ed.com -