Young Brockmire's known for his temper.
Let's see if he tries to brush back the batter
with a little chin music!
Oh! Oh! It's coming!
Steee-rike!
The catcher, Brockmire,
is gonna have to take a minute to recover from that fastball!
Oh, Brockmire snap-throws to the first baseman,
Brockmire, who lays down the tag,
and Brockmire's out!
Brockmire's out!
What time is it, Jim?
- I-It's Tiki Time. - Mm.
And what are the rules of Tiki Time?
- No talking. - Mm.
No crying.
- And every day is paradise. - And every day is paradise.
Oh, God!
The nails are splitting the bamboo! God damn it!
I spent $40 on this cheap piece of shit!
Son of a...
The mound at Candlestick right now
is the loneliest place on Earth,
and there's 33,000 people in the stadium
and about 1 million butterflies.
I can't believe it.
I mean, I was always so diligent.
And it's not like I was a nun.
There were a few years back in my 20s
where I was getting more dick than a bathhouse in 1978.
And not one pregnancy scare.
I just... I never imagined I would be conflicted at all.
All right. I got... $100, $200, $345,
and we can stop at the ATM on the way there.
And let's definitely tip.
Those people... they... they work hard.
What is this? What are you doing?
Look, I never have gotten anybody pregnant before,
but I have paid for my share of abortions, all right?
Just, you know, as a friend, a mentor, a pro-choice advocate,
as a small-loan investor one time...
Okay, Jim, slow down.
I... am still weighing my options.
No, please. Entirely up to you. I understand.
I gave up my vote at ejaculation,
so, you know, feminism,
your body, your choice...
all of that razzmatazz.
Thank you.
I just need some time to think about it.
And you need to think about
whether you're able to be a father.
I'm gonna have to ask you for some numbers here,
because right now, you're just giving me
a whole lot of maybe homework.
Are you asking me for abortion odds?
I am. Yes.
Just please, for brevity and for clarity's sake.
Okay. Right now, I'd say...
... 60/40 in favor of keeping it.
Really?
Wow.
I think I might have backed you into an answer there.
- No! - No, I think I did
And I think we should both
just take our time with this whole thing.
Yes. I-I agree.
Hey, Jim.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I just wanted to see
if maybe you want to have a catch with me.
Like, with, um, a Frisbee or... ?
Uh, no, like with a baseball, Charles.
- Ah. - It's time you learned the very
basics of the game
that you watch every single day.
Yeah. Sure.
- Yeah. I'm down. - Great. Great.
- Charles? - Yeah?
How about you go wash your hands first?
Okay. I'm gonna go...
I'm gonna go do that.
Women! Get out of here.
Well, wonders never cease.
Wow. That hurt?
Ah.
- It's... - You're not playing tag with it.
You just... just open your mitt and watch it go in there.
Why are we doing this?
Every boy has to at least know how to play catch.
- Why? - Because you're an American,
God damn it.
This is how the game continues.
It gets passed down through generations,
fathers patiently teaching their sons, et cetera.
Oh. My God.
Y-You throw like a blind baby waving bye-bye.
What was that?
Are you sure you're right-handed?
I'm... I-I think so.
Look, my father taught me how to throw a baseball.
It was about the best 10 minutes we ever spent.
Getting closer, getting closer.
Mm. I see what this is.
You're trying to work out your father issues on me.
No, I'm not.
I couldn't give two shits about that asshole.
He spent my entire chi...
He spent my entire childhood
building a Tiki bar in our backyard
so he could just drink alone.
I'm nothing like that idiot.
You sure? You're a raging alcoholic,
and you spent the last 10 years of your life
in tropical Southeast Asia.
Uh, let's dial it down, okay, Dr. Joyce Brothers.
We're not trying to work on my daddy issues here.
We're working on yours.
- I thought you wanted a father figure. - For sure.
I barely see my dad now 'cause of the divorce,
and my stepdad's a hard-ass,
but you're the last person I'd peg as my father figure.
Kind of thought I already was.
Mm.
You think I'd be a good father?
It would be mean of me to say
you'd be a bad father, but...
I'm willing to be mean to make sure you never procreate.
Yeah, you would be a terrible father. Don't do that.
Never mind, all right? Let's just play catch.
Now, just get ready. Keep your glove open.
- Just watch it go... - This is boring.
- What else do you have to do? - You saw me up there.
I am 17,
and porn is literally endless on the Internet.
Sometimes, I just put in a random body part
to see if someone's thought to put a dick in it.
They always have.
Baseball can't compete with pornography!
I mean, nothing can.
Oh, fine. Go jerk off.
Beat it! Literally.
Let me know if you need me to send you any links!
Well, don't leave your... Oh, man.
Brockmire known for his temper.
Let's see if he brushes back this batter
with a little bit of chin music!
Oh, he does. Oh, my goodness.
He put the fear of God into Jenkins there.
Mmm.
Mm.
Can I have like, um...
a seltzer water?
What's going on? Are you sick?
Oh, my God. Do you have cancer?
I don't mean for this to sound judgmental in any way,
but, um...
You've had an abortion, right?
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
And it wasn't easy.
No, it seems like a really hard choice.
No, the choice was easy.
Getting the procedure done was the hard part.
So, at first, I couldn't go
to the Planned Parenthood in town 'cause it burned down.
I heard they had an accident when I fire-bombed the place.
You burned down a Planned Parenthood?
Yeah.
Okay, anyways.
That meant I had to pay
for a round-trip bus ticket to Pittsburgh,
plus the cost of three nights at the hotel,
plus the cost of the surgery.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
Oh, that's not the worst part.
When I walked into the clinic,
the protestors screamed the worst things
humanly possible in my face,
but it was fine 'cause I was listening to "Shake It Off."
And then somebody threw a diaper full of rocks at me.
- What?! - That I couldn't shake off.
What... What about the procedure?
Oh! That was easy.
You know, they just knocked me out, like pbht!
And sure, when I woke up, I felt like shit
and I had black eye from the rock diaper, but...
Would I do it again?
Yeah. I did.
Jesus, I don't think I can go through that.
Wait.
So I'm... I'm deciding what to do.
I'm raising this town up on my back
with pure womanly strength.
Maybe... Maybe I could raise a baby, too.
Jules, I... love you.
I love you, too, sweetheart.
... as a boss.
Um... this just feels like a super, like,
personal conversation for, like, "workplace environment."
You just told me every intimate detail of your abortion.
I tell everybody that story!
It's the first thing in my dating profile.
- She tells everybody. - Dale knows.
This just feels like the sort of thing you want to discuss,
like, maybe with friend, you know?
You do have friends, right?
Of course I have friends.
Yeah, you do!
I have a lot of friends.
I just... You know, they just moved away from...
from Morristown.
- Yeah. - They're in Butler Heights now.
I mean, I have a lot of friends that's...
Oh, D-Diana!
Diana is one of my frie...
Ahh! Ooh-ooh!
I can't believe you're pregnant!
Oh!
Oh, man.
You really snuck that one in under the wire.
So, who's the father? Is he cute? Is he blonde?
Tall? Blue eyes? I know what you like.
I think I still have some prenatal vitamins left.
Oh, and Mae has outgrown all of her newborn clothes,
so I can give those to you now.
And look, everyone's gonna warn you how painful birth is,
and they are totally right.
The first one is always horrendous,
but by the third one, she just pbht!
Right out of my vagina.
- Diana... - It was like a trap door opened,
and she just slid out...
I don't know if I'm gonna keep
this baby.
Really?
You don't have any white wine, do you?
Jules...
This baby is your sign...
to let go of the past and embrace change.
Parenthood isn't a prison.
It actually... frees parts of yourself
you didn't even know were there.
- What is that? - The princess is up.
Oh, goody!
Ooh!
Oh!
Can you show her how you walk?
Good job. Say hi to Jules!
Oh!
Say hi to Jules!
Do you want to say hi to Jules?
Oh! She likes you!
High five!
Jose, finish your science project, okay?
Carmina, mi Amor. Come on.
55 times 6 is not 300. Try again.
Ransom, break a leg in the play tomorrow.
Marco. Marco?
Polo!
Mijo!
Okay, Daddy's got to go, okay?
- I love you. - I love you.
Okay, Jim.
You're a pretty big part of your kids' lives there, huh?
Uribe talks to them all the time.
And since there's 13 of them, it takes a lot of work.
So, do you... do you love being a dad?
Eh, mas o menos.
Mostly, I hate wearing condoms.
Why wear a saddle when you like to feel the horse?
Because some horses... they have Gonorrhea.
Gonorrhea is worth it, man, to spread your legacy.
Look. Think about it this way.
Every human body is a... is a DNA machine
designed to reproduce.
Inside of you is a... is a genetic coding
that goes back billions of years.
And who are you to break that chain?
Boy. I never thought about my jizz
in terms of geological time.
One of Uribe's baby mamas
is an Anthropology tenure professor
at Howard University.
With an ass that you could just bury your face like that.
Br-Br-Br-Br!
- Who is it? - Brockmire.
Just shut up. Let me talk.
After Lucy, I did not want to have kids.
I just... I didn't want to bring a child
into a world this cold, you know?
But then I met you, darling,
and every day feels like a warm, sunny afternoon to me,
so, I don't know.
I just figure anything half-you can't be all bad, right?
I want to terminate the pregnancy.
Oh, Thank you, God. Seriously.
- Thank you. - I went to see my friend Diana,
and she has this cute, little, fat angel baby,
and...
I sat her in my lap and I stared into her eyes
and I just... I...
I felt nothing.
If that slice of heaven didn't give me a kick
to the Utes, I don't want to be a mom.
Anyway, the team is my baby.
And... in a way...
you and I are raising it together.
Well...
Look, we really dodged a bullet with my DNA, anyway.
Seriously. Alcoholism, drug addiction,
and this voice are all hereditary, for both sexes.
No, every single one of my aunts
was in a barbershop quartet, so...
Yeah.
We're gonna have to go to Pittsburgh for the procedure.
Yeah! Road trip, baby!
A little less enthusiasm.
Sorry. Just... Road trip.
Road trip.
No baby.
And you understand all the risks
in terminating a pregnancy?
Actually, I have a question. Is this like batteries?
Do we have to bring it to the recycling center afterwards?
I'm joking.
You probably get that kind of thing a lot, right?
You know... we really don't.
Okay.
How soon can we schedule the procedure?
That is the procedure.
Based on your ultrasound, you're not yet seven weeks,
so a D&C isn't recommended.
You know, I... Pills are really hard for me.
I'm more of a type of girl.
Please don't use a cocaine gesture in front of me.
- I'm a doctor. - Sorry.
I just want to make sure
that you two have really thought this through.
It's a serious decision.
There are no take-backs.
- No, please. We totally get that. - Yeah.
No, trust me. I have thought about this long and hard,
and this is what's best for us.
And for everyone else.
The world has enough barbershop quartets.
Okay. So.
I want you to take... one pill now
and the other within 8 to 12 hours.
- Now? - Yes.
- Like, right here? - Right now.
Okay.
- All right. - Okay.
No warming up in the bullpen.
- Here we go. - Yep.
You okay?
Mm-hmm.
Is there some... some other way we could give it to her?
No.
It's okay to chew it?
No.
- Ah. Okay. - Good?
Pre-gaming this abortion, darling...
it was the best idea that you ever had.
I know.
I've been cutting back so much.
Now we have to celebrate.
Oh, I agree.
And don't mind if I do!
Ooh, that's got a kick.
Oh, what the hell?
What the hell?
- Ooh! - Okay.
Hello!
Baby! Oh!
- Thoughtful. - Mm-hmm.
Look at how nice that is.
Cheers.
Let's do this.
- Yeah. - Wait, where's my pill?
I don't know. Where is your pill?
I chopped it up so I could toot it.
You know I don't like swallowing lumps of medicine.
You snorted my abortion.
Oh! Oh, you should know better than to...
First of all, greedy!
Second of all, are you freaking kidding me?
All right, all right, all right.
Okay, I'm... I'm gonna die, right?
- Am I gonna die? - I don't know.
Am I going to die?
- I don't know! - Well, let's find out.
Oh, my God. Oh!
What should we do? All right.
What are we gonna do?
- Okay, it burns. I... - Oh, it burns.
Thank you so much for coming in.
Yeah, of course.
In case of emergency, I'm always happy to help.
So, what happened? Something wrong?
All right, suppose just hypothetically...
What if I took one of her pills by mistake?
Would that... What would happen?
I have no idea. That's never happened before.
I guess you're going to experience the same symptoms.
Nausea, cramping, spotting... hypothetically.
I just don't know from where.
Could I just get another pill, please?
Then we'll be out of your hair.
I want you to take that in front of me.
No problem.
- Can we move this along a little bit? - Yep.
I did it.
It just... It just... smoothly went down.
Thank God.
Now you can leave.
And never come back.
All right. You cramping?
- Spotting. - Oh.
Fucking people.
Not a pleasant 24 hours.
Oh, I-I know what you mean.
And apparently, I am the first man
in medical history who can say that.
I didn't expect you to step up and be so supportive.
I know. I-I was surprised by that, too, but...
What can I say?
This is definitely the best relationship of my life,
and... and you're my favorite person.
Okay, what did we learn from this?
If I see a random line, say "No, thank you, I'm fine."
No, I'm serious.
Something positive should come out of this.
We should... We should do something for a kid.
Hey, how about 13 kids?
Man, that is a lot of children.
Yes. Corazon.
Love you, too.
Look at this.
We put a little, tiny bit of good into the world.
Mm-hmm.
Holy shit. Is that...
That's Robbie Butler!
- Robbie Butler? - Jim.
The hell are you doing here, man?
God, it's good to see you!
- Good to see you, buddy. - What are you up to?
Well, I'm coaching at Oklahoma State.
- Get out of here. Well, that's fantastic! - Yeah.
- My God.
How you doing?
Oh, you know, I'm all right.
Hey, Robbie. I... I got to say,
of all the awful things I did in my life,
how I treated you was right up there.
No, really. I mean, you were a good friend
and an adequate broadcaster, and I just...
I should have helped you out more, and, well, I'm sorry.
Well, it's great to hear you say that, Jim.
But, hey, listen. Before we get into our shit, um...
I got to tell you, the reason I'm here is, uh...
Joe Buck sent me to come talk...
- Oh! - No fighting!
You chose the wrong side, Butler!
- Jim! - It's okay, kids.
- They're just pretending! - The kids!
They need to see what justice looks like!
Stop it! No fighting!
Right now, it looks like me
beating the shit out of this traitor!
Synced and corrected by Dragoniod for - www.addic7ed.com -