1 00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:20,986 ♪♪ 2 00:00:21,721 --> 00:00:25,668 Biggest change in this country in the 10 years that I was gone? 3 00:00:25,752 --> 00:00:29,820 America went from being a boob nation to being an ass nation. 4 00:00:29,882 --> 00:00:31,349 I mean, 30 years ago, 5 00:00:31,375 --> 00:00:34,576 if a company ran an ad campaign on 3 TV networks 6 00:00:34,634 --> 00:00:37,100 and 10 magazines, everybody saw it. 7 00:00:37,180 --> 00:00:41,552 And what they saw mostly was boobs... boobs, boobs, boobs. 8 00:00:41,585 --> 00:00:44,585 I mean, eventually, we just forgot all about butts. 9 00:00:44,738 --> 00:00:45,798 [GROANS] 10 00:00:45,828 --> 00:00:49,863 We were just so relentlessly hammered with images of boobs. 11 00:00:49,993 --> 00:00:53,891 And by the '80s, Charles, big old fake boobs... 12 00:00:54,003 --> 00:00:57,271 Just these enormous sacks of viscous chemicals 13 00:00:57,334 --> 00:01:01,026 that were bolted onto the front of a woman's chest 14 00:01:01,071 --> 00:01:03,490 in defiance of all good taste and gravity. 15 00:01:03,526 --> 00:01:05,193 Which gift basket does she get? 16 00:01:05,235 --> 00:01:06,767 Chantal? Oh, the "Jeter." 17 00:01:06,792 --> 00:01:08,126 Oh, my God. She earned it. 18 00:01:08,212 --> 00:01:11,645 You know, iPads don't grow on trees. 19 00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:14,168 Maybe you should consider not giving the Jeter 20 00:01:14,218 --> 00:01:15,667 to every woman you bring home? 21 00:01:15,764 --> 00:01:19,093 No, Charles, I'm afraid I can't, because I'm sexually generous 22 00:01:19,155 --> 00:01:21,103 in all the ways that one could possibly be. 23 00:01:21,157 --> 00:01:23,825 Besides, those "Piazza" baskets that you designed, 24 00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:25,961 Charles, they're confusing, and they're unpopular. 25 00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,565 There's an element of sadness to them. 26 00:01:27,590 --> 00:01:30,298 Anywhoodles, I'm at the Big Freedia bounce show last night, 27 00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:32,768 and I'm just... I'm getting lost in the applause 28 00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:34,953 of like a hundred clapping asses. 29 00:01:34,978 --> 00:01:36,911 And it hits me, it dawns on me... 30 00:01:36,936 --> 00:01:38,870 I am surrounded by the very people 31 00:01:38,909 --> 00:01:41,222 that got America back into ass. 32 00:01:41,251 --> 00:01:43,249 I'm talking about straight black men, 33 00:01:43,274 --> 00:01:46,608 the gays, of course, and thick women. God bless 'em. 34 00:01:46,633 --> 00:01:49,564 'Cause, see, when the Internet expanded all media 35 00:01:49,589 --> 00:01:52,830 into the limitless chaos that we know it to be today, 36 00:01:52,887 --> 00:01:55,443 the power of the straight-white-male gaze 37 00:01:55,468 --> 00:01:57,279 got diluted, and all of a sudden, 38 00:01:57,304 --> 00:02:00,733 all these long-forgotten voices could finally be heard, man, 39 00:02:00,758 --> 00:02:05,134 and they were screaming, "Butts! Come on! Butts are wonderful!" 40 00:02:05,207 --> 00:02:07,302 And that, my friend, is how the titty wool 41 00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:10,068 that had been pulled over our collective eyes 42 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,353 was finally lifted. 43 00:02:12,509 --> 00:02:13,827 She's waking up. 44 00:02:13,944 --> 00:02:15,374 Oh. I'll go hide in the bathroom. 45 00:02:15,430 --> 00:02:16,682 They always go to the bathroom. 46 00:02:16,732 --> 00:02:20,000 I'll hide in the pantry. Calm down. 47 00:02:20,083 --> 00:02:22,560 [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS] 48 00:02:22,699 --> 00:02:25,633 ♪♪ 49 00:02:25,822 --> 00:02:28,423 I got the Jeter last time. 50 00:02:28,884 --> 00:02:30,021 What about that one? 51 00:02:30,074 --> 00:02:34,239 That one is reserved for someone else, if she ever comes here. 52 00:02:34,290 --> 00:02:35,623 Which she won't. 53 00:02:35,699 --> 00:02:38,003 But I can get you two Piazzas instead. 54 00:02:38,762 --> 00:02:40,894 But those are in the pantry! 55 00:02:40,970 --> 00:02:42,052 Shit. 56 00:02:42,139 --> 00:02:43,325 [RUSTLING] 57 00:02:43,385 --> 00:02:45,652 Ta-da! Ha ha! 58 00:02:45,694 --> 00:02:48,629 There is one Piazza for you right there. 59 00:02:48,739 --> 00:02:51,327 A Squatty Potty and olive oil? 60 00:02:51,507 --> 00:02:53,841 He's an Italian catcher. 61 00:02:53,897 --> 00:02:55,144 It's so obvious. 62 00:02:55,191 --> 00:02:57,391 And your second Piazza. 63 00:02:57,499 --> 00:02:59,658 There you go. Got it? 64 00:02:59,910 --> 00:03:01,643 Great to see you again. 65 00:03:01,858 --> 00:03:03,858 You take care, now. 66 00:03:13,762 --> 00:03:15,563 - In conclusion... - You're still not done. 67 00:03:15,602 --> 00:03:17,172 ...this country is only getting dumber 68 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,797 and hotter and more crowded, 69 00:03:18,822 --> 00:03:20,755 but when I see butts of all shapes 70 00:03:20,811 --> 00:03:22,957 and sizes and colors not only represented, 71 00:03:23,012 --> 00:03:26,074 but celebrated, well, it gives me hope... 72 00:03:26,235 --> 00:03:28,903 Hope that things can still change for the better. 73 00:03:29,019 --> 00:03:33,546 ♪♪ 74 00:03:34,626 --> 00:03:36,858 - Strike! - Santos looks at a fastball. 75 00:03:36,953 --> 00:03:39,119 Count evens, 2-2. 76 00:03:40,364 --> 00:03:42,363 'Course, Santos is only playing today 77 00:03:42,432 --> 00:03:44,957 because Fitzgerald finally got his call-up 78 00:03:44,982 --> 00:03:47,470 to the major leagues, so congratulations to Fitz. 79 00:03:47,610 --> 00:03:48,752 - Get me another beer. - No. 80 00:03:48,777 --> 00:03:49,780 - Come on. - No. 81 00:03:49,805 --> 00:03:50,793 - Please. - Focus. 82 00:03:50,818 --> 00:03:52,351 God damn it. [SWITCH CLICKS] 83 00:03:52,509 --> 00:03:54,755 Santos pops a curveball up and out of play. 84 00:03:54,804 --> 00:03:56,656 You know, folks, I think I understand 85 00:03:56,681 --> 00:03:58,033 just how Fitzgerald felt. 86 00:03:58,058 --> 00:03:59,914 I mean, he was a star here in New Orleans 87 00:03:59,957 --> 00:04:02,992 right from the get-go, yet he had to wait and wait 88 00:04:03,017 --> 00:04:05,283 and wait for that call-up to the major leagues, 89 00:04:05,321 --> 00:04:07,542 to the point where he probably started to question 90 00:04:07,567 --> 00:04:09,991 the decision-making of the Atlanta organization. 91 00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:11,698 As Santos bounces one to the left side, 92 00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:12,947 this should probably do it. 93 00:04:12,972 --> 00:04:15,240 And the New Orleans Crawdaddys are gonna drop this one 94 00:04:15,265 --> 00:04:17,304 - to Nashville by a count of 7-2. - Suck! 95 00:04:17,329 --> 00:04:18,805 I have been Jim Brockmire. 96 00:04:18,845 --> 00:04:21,331 Please stay tuned for the postgame wrap-up. 97 00:04:21,404 --> 00:04:22,658 Let me ask you a question. 98 00:04:22,706 --> 00:04:25,250 Was it clear just now, when I was talking about Fitzgerald, 99 00:04:25,275 --> 00:04:27,989 that I was actually referring to my own career situation? 100 00:04:28,014 --> 00:04:29,356 Oh, that was intentional? 101 00:04:29,381 --> 00:04:33,448 I can never tell if you're calculating or just spiraling. 102 00:04:33,510 --> 00:04:34,843 I mean, what's the holdup? 103 00:04:34,885 --> 00:04:36,431 Seriously? What do I have to do? 104 00:04:36,456 --> 00:04:38,691 I mean, I've played by all their stupid rules, have I not? 105 00:04:38,716 --> 00:04:40,117 Art Newly is hard to replace. 106 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,556 He's like a more likable Vin Scully, and you're... 107 00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:44,599 - [BELCHES] - ...not that. 108 00:04:44,624 --> 00:04:46,256 They can't do anything with you publicly. 109 00:04:46,339 --> 00:04:47,807 It's gonna look like they're pushing him out. 110 00:04:47,831 --> 00:04:49,398 Well, they won't have to push too hard. 111 00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,907 The man is 75 years old. 112 00:04:51,140 --> 00:04:54,302 A stiff breeze and an uneven sidewalk, and down he will go. 113 00:04:54,363 --> 00:04:55,479 Want to hear some good news? 114 00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:58,805 As of today, we have the number 3 podcast in America. 115 00:04:58,888 --> 00:05:01,133 No shit? Oh! 116 00:05:01,177 --> 00:05:04,913 Remind me to ask that Marc Maron how my ass tastes. 117 00:05:05,121 --> 00:05:06,614 [CROWD CHANTING "BROCK!"] Charles: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, 118 00:05:06,638 --> 00:05:08,801 to another live episode of "Brock Bottom," 119 00:05:08,826 --> 00:05:10,872 brought to you by Old Spice Deodorant. 120 00:05:10,908 --> 00:05:12,507 Like Jim Brockmire, Old Spice 121 00:05:12,532 --> 00:05:14,616 is an original that still feels fresh. 122 00:05:14,641 --> 00:05:16,174 Now, without further ado, 123 00:05:16,278 --> 00:05:19,346 I'd like to present to you the one-man MOTH 124 00:05:19,415 --> 00:05:22,120 and the best freestyle storyteller 125 00:05:22,145 --> 00:05:24,945 in the podcast game... 126 00:05:25,473 --> 00:05:26,633 Jim Brockmire. 127 00:05:26,733 --> 00:05:29,287 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 128 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:36,071 ♪♪ 129 00:05:36,213 --> 00:05:37,880 Hey! All right! 130 00:05:37,954 --> 00:05:39,572 - I thank you. - Whoo! 131 00:05:39,597 --> 00:05:41,989 Let's get right to it, shall we? 132 00:05:42,018 --> 00:05:46,193 I need a suggestion for a 90-minute improvised monologue. 133 00:05:46,349 --> 00:05:48,349 - Baseball! - Pinstripes! 134 00:05:48,411 --> 00:05:50,045 - Wyoming! - You said Wyoming. 135 00:05:50,070 --> 00:05:51,435 I heard Wichita. 136 00:05:51,460 --> 00:05:52,766 [LAUGHTER] 137 00:05:52,849 --> 00:05:54,623 Method to my madness on that one 138 00:05:54,648 --> 00:05:57,685 because the only person that I ever knew from Wichita 139 00:05:57,747 --> 00:06:00,455 was none other than television and film's. 140 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:01,846 - Kirstie Alley. - Yeah. 141 00:06:01,871 --> 00:06:03,219 - Yeah. Ooh! - Oww! 142 00:06:03,244 --> 00:06:04,511 Now, this is a story 143 00:06:04,914 --> 00:06:06,313 about the first time 144 00:06:06,376 --> 00:06:08,727 that she tried to convert me to Scientology. 145 00:06:08,805 --> 00:06:10,329 MAN: Yeah! 146 00:06:11,307 --> 00:06:13,812 [SLURRING] So, now, at this point... 147 00:06:15,177 --> 00:06:17,747 all the "Veronica's Closet" writers, they g... 148 00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,030 They went home, okay? 149 00:06:19,055 --> 00:06:21,630 It's just me and Kirstie alone in a dressing room, 150 00:06:21,658 --> 00:06:23,850 so I'm... I'm pretty psyched. 151 00:06:23,994 --> 00:06:28,464 Anyway, the room's really dark, but I can just make out... 152 00:06:28,557 --> 00:06:31,693 I could just see this... this tear, 153 00:06:31,816 --> 00:06:34,587 one single tear kind of gently making her... 154 00:06:34,650 --> 00:06:37,448 Its way down her face. 155 00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:39,745 So I got down. 156 00:06:39,823 --> 00:06:42,157 [GROANING] Okay. 157 00:06:42,272 --> 00:06:46,718 I said, "Kirstie, why are you crying?" 158 00:06:46,829 --> 00:06:47,895 [LAUGHTER] 159 00:06:47,977 --> 00:06:50,177 And she pulled me close, 160 00:06:50,353 --> 00:06:53,636 and she whispered one word into my ear, folks. 161 00:06:53,756 --> 00:06:55,616 She said... 162 00:06:56,305 --> 00:06:57,805 "Wichita!" 163 00:06:57,830 --> 00:06:59,308 [LAUGHTER] 164 00:06:59,389 --> 00:07:00,617 "Wichita!" 165 00:07:00,724 --> 00:07:02,858 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 166 00:07:07,656 --> 00:07:08,923 Appreciate it. Next up. 167 00:07:08,959 --> 00:07:10,358 Come on up. Step right up. 168 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,415 This is a small-batch rye, aged 18 years. 169 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:13,506 Ooh! 170 00:07:13,531 --> 00:07:15,322 Yeah, m-my dad was an alcoholic. 171 00:07:15,404 --> 00:07:17,471 Instead of telling fun stories, he'd get angry 172 00:07:17,526 --> 00:07:20,194 and make us all fight for the last uncooked hot dog. 173 00:07:20,961 --> 00:07:22,561 Okay, we're gonna let that sad story 174 00:07:22,586 --> 00:07:24,243 just die right there on the vine, 175 00:07:24,268 --> 00:07:26,074 and we're gonna take a lovely photo together, okay? 176 00:07:26,156 --> 00:07:27,755 Right there. [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] 177 00:07:27,790 --> 00:07:29,523 All right. Thank you so much for coming. 178 00:07:29,596 --> 00:07:30,932 Appreciate it. Step right up. 179 00:07:30,957 --> 00:07:33,578 What do you got there? Are these magic mush... 180 00:07:33,603 --> 00:07:36,137 Oh, the... Oh! These are all caps, too. 181 00:07:36,297 --> 00:07:37,363 Oh, my goodness. 182 00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:40,066 Well, if history has taught us anything, 183 00:07:40,123 --> 00:07:42,590 it's that this evening is almost certain to end 184 00:07:42,615 --> 00:07:44,415 with me stealing a boat. 185 00:07:44,451 --> 00:07:45,464 Is that something? 186 00:07:45,489 --> 00:07:47,342 - I don't even know why. - Hey, uh, Jim. Could I... 187 00:07:47,774 --> 00:07:48,987 Y... One... Pardon me a moment. 188 00:07:49,034 --> 00:07:50,251 Yes, my friend? 189 00:07:50,276 --> 00:07:53,010 Art Newly just announced that he's officially retiring 190 00:07:53,035 --> 00:07:54,034 at the end of the season, 191 00:07:54,059 --> 00:07:56,703 and the new head of PR from Atlanta 192 00:07:56,728 --> 00:07:58,036 is coming down tomorrow for a meeting. 193 00:07:58,061 --> 00:07:59,585 Now, I don't want you to read too much into this. 194 00:07:59,609 --> 00:08:02,683 - Holy shit! I did it! I did it! - We still don't know. 195 00:08:02,708 --> 00:08:04,525 No, I made it back to the top of the mountain, Charles. 196 00:08:04,581 --> 00:08:05,582 Oh, my God! 197 00:08:05,607 --> 00:08:07,040 I could not have done it without you. 198 00:08:07,065 --> 00:08:09,665 I love you! Mwah! I love you, Charles. 199 00:08:10,146 --> 00:08:11,763 I can't believe you won't say it back to me. 200 00:08:11,788 --> 00:08:13,104 I am not gonna say it, 201 00:08:13,129 --> 00:08:14,862 and I can't believe you're saying it to me. 202 00:08:14,905 --> 00:08:16,311 That's just gonna make it all the sweeter 203 00:08:16,336 --> 00:08:17,819 when I finally wear you down. 204 00:08:17,844 --> 00:08:20,218 But tonight is about celebratin', baby! 205 00:08:20,243 --> 00:08:21,700 Not too hard. 206 00:08:21,773 --> 00:08:23,111 You s... You have the meeting tomorrow. 207 00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:24,616 Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Hey, everybody. 208 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,507 Everybody, I want you to show me your cocaine. 209 00:08:26,532 --> 00:08:29,232 Who's carrying cocaine? Hold it on up there. 210 00:08:29,285 --> 00:08:30,411 - I got some. - Okay. 211 00:08:30,453 --> 00:08:31,423 - Let's see. - Me, me, me, me! 212 00:08:31,448 --> 00:08:32,510 - Right here. - All right. 213 00:08:32,535 --> 00:08:34,783 That appears to be only an eight ball. 214 00:08:34,808 --> 00:08:36,207 So I'm gonna go with you two 215 00:08:36,232 --> 00:08:38,466 'cause I got a busy day tomorrow! 216 00:08:40,636 --> 00:08:41,716 [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS] 217 00:08:41,741 --> 00:08:42,887 You could say what you will, 218 00:08:42,912 --> 00:08:44,913 but I am just so happy for you, bro. 219 00:08:44,938 --> 00:08:46,244 Oh, well, thank you, Raj. 220 00:08:46,269 --> 00:08:47,910 Could not have done it without you calling 221 00:08:47,935 --> 00:08:50,116 all those road games. No, you've been a lifesaver. 222 00:08:50,172 --> 00:08:51,905 Come on. Look, thank you. 223 00:08:51,941 --> 00:08:54,451 I just enjoyed joining your brotherhood of the booth. 224 00:08:54,476 --> 00:08:55,513 And I must say, 225 00:08:55,538 --> 00:08:57,925 you're much less racist than I thought you'd be. 226 00:08:58,041 --> 00:08:59,283 Well, my goodness. 227 00:08:59,308 --> 00:09:01,168 I wish I could take more credit for that, 228 00:09:01,193 --> 00:09:03,781 but, uh, the bar set by old white men 229 00:09:03,806 --> 00:09:06,136 in this great country of ours is just, oh, so very low. 230 00:09:06,161 --> 00:09:08,029 Yep. As soon as you raise it up a little bit, 231 00:09:08,054 --> 00:09:10,121 someone knocks it back down, huh? 232 00:09:10,531 --> 00:09:12,237 - Man, you keep screwing up. - We do. 233 00:09:12,262 --> 00:09:14,662 Listen, let's commemorate this hand-off on the 'gram. 234 00:09:14,710 --> 00:09:16,476 - Get in here. - Ah, the ubiquitous 'gram. 235 00:09:16,572 --> 00:09:17,988 - Mm-hmm. - All right. Hey, whoa, whoa! 236 00:09:18,013 --> 00:09:19,412 What are you doing here, asshole? 237 00:09:19,443 --> 00:09:20,506 - Whoa, whoa! Jim! - What's that? 238 00:09:20,530 --> 00:09:22,713 Hey, look, I invited him, okay? Look... 239 00:09:22,799 --> 00:09:25,399 - You invited him? - Yes. You're both my brohams, 240 00:09:25,447 --> 00:09:27,471 so I was hoping we could end this feud 241 00:09:27,496 --> 00:09:29,484 because you actually have a lot in common, okay? 242 00:09:29,509 --> 00:09:31,571 You're both really stubborn superstars. 243 00:09:31,596 --> 00:09:33,392 - I mean, you... - Whoa, whoa. Superstar? 244 00:09:33,417 --> 00:09:34,439 Are you kidding me? 245 00:09:34,464 --> 00:09:36,967 Hey, I've known all the titans of mascotry, okay? 246 00:09:36,992 --> 00:09:39,459 The Phillie Phanatic, he officiated my wedding. 247 00:09:39,484 --> 00:09:40,785 You are not a superstar. 248 00:09:40,810 --> 00:09:42,777 You are a mime in Muppet's clothing. 249 00:09:42,812 --> 00:09:43,840 What... What's that? 250 00:09:43,865 --> 00:09:45,513 What is that? I don't even understand that. 251 00:09:45,538 --> 00:09:46,838 I think he's flipping you off. 252 00:09:46,863 --> 00:09:49,558 You fuck your mother with that claw, you stupid idiot? 253 00:09:49,591 --> 00:09:51,445 - Come on! - Jim Brockmire? 254 00:09:51,494 --> 00:09:52,793 - Yeah. - I'm Whitney Masterson. 255 00:09:52,818 --> 00:09:54,640 I'm the new head of PR for Atlanta. 256 00:09:54,749 --> 00:09:57,176 - Is... Is there a problem? - No, no. 257 00:09:57,218 --> 00:09:59,680 I mean, I don't pretend to be a crustacean for a living, 258 00:09:59,705 --> 00:10:01,720 so I'm very good, thank you. 259 00:10:01,876 --> 00:10:03,944 Raj, can you join us, as well, please? 260 00:10:04,913 --> 00:10:06,731 Yeah. Come on. More the merrier. 261 00:10:06,756 --> 00:10:09,424 Plan the old line of succession here. 262 00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:13,709 Hey, medium mascot talent! At best! 263 00:10:13,821 --> 00:10:14,956 Dummy! 264 00:10:15,010 --> 00:10:17,478 First of all, Jim, the organization 265 00:10:17,503 --> 00:10:18,928 wishes to thank you for doing 266 00:10:18,953 --> 00:10:21,136 all that it asked of you over the last year. 267 00:10:21,161 --> 00:10:22,994 Well, please thank the organization 268 00:10:23,019 --> 00:10:25,241 for doing everything I asked of them. [CHUCKLES] 269 00:10:25,346 --> 00:10:27,947 It was a little unusual, only calling home games, 270 00:10:27,972 --> 00:10:31,161 and it was a bit of a strange contract rider. 271 00:10:31,186 --> 00:10:32,284 I mean... 272 00:10:32,309 --> 00:10:35,911 "Jim Brockmire does not ride the bus... exclamation point." 273 00:10:35,965 --> 00:10:38,165 Make sure they spell 'exclamation point' 274 00:10:38,190 --> 00:10:41,546 "because that's how much I don't want to ride the bus." 275 00:10:41,676 --> 00:10:43,485 Yeah, you know, I used to say the bus 276 00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:45,579 is just like a concentration-camp train 277 00:10:45,604 --> 00:10:46,716 that made more stops, 278 00:10:46,741 --> 00:10:48,661 but, uh, well, I quickly discovered 279 00:10:48,686 --> 00:10:50,552 that people prefer their Holocaust humor 280 00:10:50,577 --> 00:10:52,044 to come from Roberto Benigni 281 00:10:52,069 --> 00:10:54,269 and [CHUCKLES] pretty much nobody else. 282 00:10:54,644 --> 00:10:55,654 Okay. 283 00:10:55,679 --> 00:10:57,554 Before I was hired in PR, 284 00:10:57,579 --> 00:10:59,846 I interned in the analytics department, 285 00:10:59,871 --> 00:11:02,700 and I learned a very important lesson. 286 00:11:02,725 --> 00:11:04,692 Human perception... 287 00:11:04,886 --> 00:11:06,118 is a lie. 288 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:09,410 But math... math always tells the truth. 289 00:11:09,558 --> 00:11:13,170 For example, we believed that hiring an Internet celebrity 290 00:11:13,203 --> 00:11:14,456 would bring in new fans, 291 00:11:14,495 --> 00:11:17,393 but the numbers told a different story. 292 00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,770 What is that... like, two pie charts? 293 00:11:19,795 --> 00:11:21,078 I don't understand what's happening. 294 00:11:21,103 --> 00:11:22,904 It's a Venn diagram, Jim. 295 00:11:23,071 --> 00:11:24,291 Oh. Okay. 296 00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:25,862 According to focus groups, 297 00:11:25,887 --> 00:11:29,021 our fans hate your podcast, 298 00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:32,306 and your podcast fans hate baseball. 299 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,761 - Interesting, right? - Mm-hmm. 300 00:11:33,814 --> 00:11:36,696 So, next, we tested that same group to find. 301 00:11:36,765 --> 00:11:39,165 Art Newly's likability... 302 00:11:39,207 --> 00:11:41,208 92 out of 100. 303 00:11:41,336 --> 00:11:44,169 I mean, makes sense. He's beloved by generations. 304 00:11:44,545 --> 00:11:48,573 Then, we tested, uh, Jim's likability. 305 00:11:49,437 --> 00:11:51,523 - 67. - Ha! 306 00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:52,882 - Okay. - Yeah! 307 00:11:52,907 --> 00:11:55,153 - Is that a good number? - Great question. 308 00:11:55,263 --> 00:11:58,999 We needed context. We needed a control. 309 00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,680 So we tested Raj. 310 00:12:00,742 --> 00:12:02,082 And here's where it gets interesting. 311 00:12:02,107 --> 00:12:04,707 Raj is an 84. 312 00:12:04,780 --> 00:12:06,113 [CHUCKLES] 313 00:12:06,328 --> 00:12:08,061 Out of what, like 200? 314 00:12:08,086 --> 00:12:09,552 Out of 100. 315 00:12:09,617 --> 00:12:12,550 200 would make your 67 look even worse. 316 00:12:12,575 --> 00:12:14,351 - You get how that works? - Yes, no, thank you. 317 00:12:14,376 --> 00:12:15,708 I'm not a complete idiot. 318 00:12:15,810 --> 00:12:18,019 Look, anybody could see that this kid's gonna be 319 00:12:18,044 --> 00:12:20,512 - a big star one day. - Agreed. 320 00:12:20,589 --> 00:12:22,889 Which is why replacing Art Newly 321 00:12:22,914 --> 00:12:26,816 will now be a two-man competition between you and Raj. 322 00:12:26,849 --> 00:12:28,411 This kid's a hack! Are you kidding me? 323 00:12:28,436 --> 00:12:32,036 I've known sperm on a crusty sock with more life experience. 324 00:12:32,173 --> 00:12:33,506 I'm sorry, Jim. 325 00:12:33,531 --> 00:12:35,896 The decision's been made... Far above my head. 326 00:12:35,971 --> 00:12:39,239 With insistent and unwavering support from me. 327 00:12:39,294 --> 00:12:42,228 I think I speak for Raj when I say that neither one of us 328 00:12:42,253 --> 00:12:43,629 wants any part of this thing. 329 00:12:43,654 --> 00:12:46,677 No. No, I'm in... 100%. 330 00:12:46,816 --> 00:12:49,071 Et tu, broham? 331 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,267 Look. You've been like a mentor to me. 332 00:12:54,422 --> 00:12:56,426 Uh-huh. We both know it. So there's no way 333 00:12:56,451 --> 00:12:58,003 I'm gonna let them pit us against each other. 334 00:12:58,028 --> 00:13:00,495 Ah. Excellent. Y-Y-You gonna bow out, then? 335 00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:02,623 No, I just think we should try our best and see what happens. 336 00:13:02,648 --> 00:13:04,360 Hey, "F" that, all right? "F" that. 337 00:13:04,385 --> 00:13:06,746 Look, I know this has been a dream of both of ours for a very long time. 338 00:13:06,771 --> 00:13:09,153 A dream. That's really funny. No, not really. 339 00:13:09,178 --> 00:13:11,244 I just did, like, improv for a little while, 340 00:13:11,359 --> 00:13:12,961 and then I took a broadcasting class. 341 00:13:12,986 --> 00:13:14,334 I didn't even really finish it. 342 00:13:14,359 --> 00:13:16,491 I really wanted to call G-League basketball, 343 00:13:16,516 --> 00:13:18,070 but that's, like, a hard gig to get. 344 00:13:18,095 --> 00:13:20,429 Then Jesus Christ, man, let me have it. 345 00:13:20,469 --> 00:13:22,068 Why can't we both just try to earn it? 346 00:13:22,103 --> 00:13:24,104 'Cause I might not win it that way, Raj. 347 00:13:24,155 --> 00:13:26,568 Do you know how many diverse play-by-play men 348 00:13:26,593 --> 00:13:28,068 there are in baseball? 349 00:13:29,370 --> 00:13:32,304 It's not a rhetorical question. I literally have no idea. 350 00:13:32,386 --> 00:13:35,363 I'm not a baseball fan. I just want to know if I should hire a publicist. 351 00:13:35,404 --> 00:13:37,137 Okay, have it your way, but you and I, 352 00:13:37,162 --> 00:13:38,814 we are sworn enemies now, I mean it. 353 00:13:38,839 --> 00:13:41,395 You never know where or how or when I am gonna strike next, 354 00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:42,688 but let me put it to you this way. 355 00:13:42,713 --> 00:13:44,868 Bob Costas did not expect to get pink eye 356 00:13:44,893 --> 00:13:46,061 at the Sochi Olympics either, 357 00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,228 but I sure as shit made that happen. 358 00:13:48,296 --> 00:13:51,430 Okay, okay, you're... You're mad at me now. 359 00:13:51,565 --> 00:13:55,834 But I will win you back because everyone loves me. 360 00:13:55,930 --> 00:13:57,264 It's a rare gift. 361 00:13:57,339 --> 00:14:00,744 Only Sandy Bullock, Alex Trebek, and I have it. 362 00:14:00,775 --> 00:14:03,739 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Fan Fest is about to begin. 363 00:14:03,999 --> 00:14:06,019 I freakin' love you. 364 00:14:06,161 --> 00:14:08,960 Have fun out there, okay? I'll send some your way. 365 00:14:08,985 --> 00:14:10,162 The gates are open. 366 00:14:10,187 --> 00:14:13,730 Head down to the field to meet your favorite Crawdaddy. 367 00:14:18,521 --> 00:14:21,455 There you are, fan. Enjoy the Fan Fest. 368 00:14:21,563 --> 00:14:23,765 Are you wearing sunblock? Fan Fest is three hour... 369 00:14:23,815 --> 00:14:26,416 You [BLEEP] Charles. You screwed me right in the asshole. 370 00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,119 - What? - You tricked me into thinking 371 00:14:28,144 --> 00:14:30,343 this podcast thingy would get me the Atlanta job, 372 00:14:30,368 --> 00:14:31,369 but it didn't do dick. 373 00:14:31,394 --> 00:14:33,059 Quite the opposite. God damn it. 374 00:14:33,121 --> 00:14:35,645 I should just... I should quit that stupid podcast. 375 00:14:35,717 --> 00:14:37,103 If you're gonna quit anything, it should be this. 376 00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:38,582 - What? - You're doing 377 00:14:38,607 --> 00:14:41,127 radio broadcast of a Minor League Baseball game 378 00:14:41,152 --> 00:14:43,154 to, what, 20,000 people? 379 00:14:43,419 --> 00:14:46,019 "Brock Bottom" gets half a million downloads an episode. 380 00:14:46,044 --> 00:14:48,044 Hey, give us a second here, friend, all right? 381 00:14:48,069 --> 00:14:50,069 We're in the middle of something, okay? 382 00:14:50,498 --> 00:14:52,072 We're making good money from the live shows, 383 00:14:52,097 --> 00:14:53,434 but the real money is in touring. 384 00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:56,726 If you quit this, we can sell out theaters across the country, 385 00:14:56,751 --> 00:14:59,097 maybe even leapfrog over "Fresh Air" 386 00:14:59,122 --> 00:15:00,721 for the number-two spot. 387 00:15:00,795 --> 00:15:02,194 Well, as much as that Terry Gross 388 00:15:02,219 --> 00:15:03,686 needs to taken down a peg or two, 389 00:15:03,739 --> 00:15:05,338 I am a baseball man, Charles. 390 00:15:05,363 --> 00:15:07,124 I mean, the podcast is nice and everything, 391 00:15:07,149 --> 00:15:08,492 but, uh, it ain't the major leagues. 392 00:15:08,517 --> 00:15:11,717 Ah! Yeah! [SPEAKING CREOLE] 393 00:15:12,841 --> 00:15:14,175 Is he speaking Creole? 394 00:15:14,277 --> 00:15:17,010 Bam! Oh, oh. Bam! 395 00:15:17,065 --> 00:15:18,670 God, there's so many of you. 396 00:15:18,727 --> 00:15:20,547 I am really screwed. 397 00:15:24,660 --> 00:15:27,394 Oh, there he is. What's he doing now? 398 00:15:27,803 --> 00:15:30,271 Oh. Is that supposed to be me? 399 00:15:30,373 --> 00:15:34,067 Oh, I get it. I'm so drunk I can hardly walk. 400 00:15:34,096 --> 00:15:36,430 That... That's just hilarious. 401 00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:37,585 You know what, though? 402 00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:39,201 You're not quite selling it, though. 403 00:15:39,226 --> 00:15:40,674 Can I give you a quick pointer? 404 00:15:41,557 --> 00:15:42,557 [GRUNTS] 405 00:15:42,791 --> 00:15:45,934 [BAT CLANKS] 406 00:15:50,211 --> 00:15:51,989 Shouldn't you be more discreet about that? 407 00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:53,660 I am being discreet. 408 00:15:53,802 --> 00:15:56,649 Not pouring anything out of this, am I? 409 00:15:57,065 --> 00:16:00,915 So, what was that big idea to beat Raj you texted me about? 410 00:16:00,940 --> 00:16:02,439 I spent all last night looking up 411 00:16:02,464 --> 00:16:04,445 things people like on the Internet. 412 00:16:04,559 --> 00:16:06,626 Came up with a lot of videos of autistic kids 413 00:16:06,681 --> 00:16:09,215 sinking 3-point baskets, but, uh, apparently, 414 00:16:09,251 --> 00:16:11,405 they're very hard to find on short notice. 415 00:16:11,466 --> 00:16:14,066 And that dog who can't catch pizza... You know that guy? 416 00:16:14,091 --> 00:16:16,011 He is booked solid for an entire year. 417 00:16:16,037 --> 00:16:19,434 And then it hit me, Charles... Make-A-Wish cancer kids. 418 00:16:19,488 --> 00:16:21,111 - Oh, Jesus Christ. No. - Yes. 419 00:16:21,136 --> 00:16:23,426 Unfortunately, when I called the Make-A-Wish Foundation, 420 00:16:23,451 --> 00:16:26,519 they informed me that no child had ever requested a visit 421 00:16:26,544 --> 00:16:28,296 to a Minor League Baseball broadcast booth. 422 00:16:28,334 --> 00:16:29,737 That is so weird! 423 00:16:29,785 --> 00:16:32,919 So I took the liberty of calling around to local cancer wards 424 00:16:32,944 --> 00:16:35,678 till I came upon the parents of 8-year-old Dylan Cole, 425 00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,737 and I convinced them to let him join me 426 00:16:37,762 --> 00:16:39,035 in the booth this afternoon. 427 00:16:39,060 --> 00:16:40,860 What exactly is wrong with Dylan? 428 00:16:41,003 --> 00:16:43,211 I don't know. Must be really bad because his doctors, 429 00:16:43,262 --> 00:16:45,729 they did not want him to leave the hospital. 430 00:16:46,274 --> 00:16:48,494 - I won't be a part of this. - No, agreed. You know why? 431 00:16:48,543 --> 00:16:49,960 Apparently, he has a lot of equipment 432 00:16:49,985 --> 00:16:51,324 he needs to help him breathe, 433 00:16:51,373 --> 00:16:53,330 so there's gonna be no room for you there in the booth. 434 00:16:53,355 --> 00:16:55,543 Your job is gonna be to do focus testing. 435 00:16:55,583 --> 00:16:57,099 That means you hang around here in the stadium 436 00:16:57,123 --> 00:16:59,323 and you gauge how great this is playing. 437 00:16:59,348 --> 00:17:01,352 Take some videos so we can show Whitney later. 438 00:17:01,377 --> 00:17:04,585 Oh, man. This is gonna be so freakin' uplifting! 439 00:17:04,610 --> 00:17:06,509 Everybody's panties are gonna be wet... 440 00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:08,152 Wet from tears! 441 00:17:08,325 --> 00:17:09,992 [SLURPS] 442 00:17:10,219 --> 00:17:12,552 Wet from tears, Charles! 443 00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,441 - MAN: Jim Brockmire? - Yeah? 444 00:17:14,544 --> 00:17:16,626 We'd like you to meet the bravest kid in the world... 445 00:17:16,651 --> 00:17:18,252 Our son, Dylan. 446 00:17:18,421 --> 00:17:21,755 Hey. Hi. Oh, hi. That's so many tubes. 447 00:17:22,143 --> 00:17:24,237 H-Hi, Dylan. 448 00:17:24,619 --> 00:17:27,284 Short pop fly to center for out number three. 449 00:17:27,309 --> 00:17:28,864 Crawdaddys coming up to bat now, 450 00:17:28,890 --> 00:17:30,763 and to help me call the bottom of the 4th 451 00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:34,292 is tiny hero and cancer survivor, Mr. Dylan Cole. 452 00:17:34,317 --> 00:17:35,918 - He's eight years old. - Aww! 453 00:17:35,984 --> 00:17:38,718 Uh, Dylan, who's your favorite ballplayer, son? 454 00:17:38,907 --> 00:17:41,747 [BREATHING HEAVILY] 455 00:17:42,071 --> 00:17:43,414 Hmm? 456 00:17:44,979 --> 00:17:46,866 Okay, how 'bout I, uh... I'm gonna move the mic 457 00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:50,387 a little bit closer for you, and that should make it easier. 458 00:17:50,432 --> 00:17:51,831 Go ahead. 459 00:17:52,046 --> 00:17:55,615 [BREATHING HEAVILY] 460 00:17:56,791 --> 00:17:59,011 You know what? I-I-If it's too difficult for you, 461 00:17:59,036 --> 00:18:00,615 I-I... maybe you shouldn't answer. 462 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,269 No, I don't want you to waste the energy, son. 463 00:18:02,294 --> 00:18:03,412 It's all right. I don't want you to answer. 464 00:18:03,436 --> 00:18:05,035 It's all right. Never mind. Let go of the mic. 465 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:06,229 Is he gonna hurt himself? 466 00:18:06,609 --> 00:18:07,997 O-Okay. All right. Go ahead. 467 00:18:08,043 --> 00:18:11,778 DYLAN: Buster... Posey. 468 00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:15,061 Wasn't worth it. Uh, not by a long shot. 469 00:18:15,190 --> 00:18:16,468 Okay. 470 00:18:16,572 --> 00:18:22,776 ♪♪ 471 00:18:23,284 --> 00:18:25,285 [CRYING] 472 00:18:26,128 --> 00:18:28,847 ♪♪ 473 00:18:30,112 --> 00:18:32,045 Top of the 5th, folks. 474 00:18:32,094 --> 00:18:34,695 Dylan is gone. 475 00:18:37,679 --> 00:18:39,688 His parents wheeled him on out of here. 476 00:18:39,794 --> 00:18:41,514 - Oh. - Um... 477 00:18:42,243 --> 00:18:43,971 See, I invited young Dylan into the booth 478 00:18:43,996 --> 00:18:46,006 because I thought it might be inspiring for people. 479 00:18:46,031 --> 00:18:48,912 I mean, who is not inspired by the courageous tale 480 00:18:48,937 --> 00:18:51,137 of a young man battling cancer... 481 00:18:51,162 --> 00:18:53,564 As a curveball drops in there for a strike. 482 00:18:53,589 --> 00:18:55,355 0-1. 483 00:18:55,616 --> 00:18:58,484 See, the thing is, though, I guess I wonder why 484 00:18:58,540 --> 00:19:02,254 because I was not uplifted by Dylan's burden. 485 00:19:02,279 --> 00:19:04,709 If anything, it just turned over the rock 486 00:19:04,734 --> 00:19:07,588 under which I keep buried the knowledge of my own mortality... 487 00:19:07,613 --> 00:19:10,421 As Sanchez looks at one high and away. 1-1. 488 00:19:10,765 --> 00:19:13,166 I mean, maybe we like kids with cancer so much... 489 00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,607 - No, no, no... - because they're the only time 490 00:19:14,631 --> 00:19:17,192 that human beings are actually all united in empathy. 491 00:19:17,217 --> 00:19:21,019 But, uh, if it takes the torment of those most vulnerable 492 00:19:21,044 --> 00:19:22,777 among us to bring us all together, 493 00:19:22,802 --> 00:19:25,014 then, well, what does that say about humanity... 494 00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:28,349 As Sanchez pulls that one foul, 1-2. 495 00:19:30,405 --> 00:19:32,449 Is it because these kids all know 496 00:19:32,474 --> 00:19:33,940 that they're headed to a better place? 497 00:19:33,971 --> 00:19:36,342 Well, they're all raised on fairy tales 498 00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:37,988 and Santa Claus, aren't they? 499 00:19:38,013 --> 00:19:39,879 I mean, their certainty in heaven 500 00:19:39,904 --> 00:19:42,037 should offer us no consolation... 501 00:19:42,062 --> 00:19:44,238 As Sanchez steps out of the box. 502 00:19:44,263 --> 00:19:45,529 Out of the way! 503 00:19:45,693 --> 00:19:50,163 No, see, I suspect the true reason is much darker. 504 00:19:52,674 --> 00:19:54,407 I suspect that, at a base level, 505 00:19:54,475 --> 00:19:56,809 one that none of us wants to admit, 506 00:19:56,925 --> 00:20:01,010 we love kids with cancer because their imminent deaths remind us 507 00:20:01,035 --> 00:20:03,502 that we are still alive, people. 508 00:20:03,554 --> 00:20:06,088 They are the ones being punished, not us... 509 00:20:06,367 --> 00:20:09,490 As Sanchez strikes out for the fourth time today. 510 00:20:09,605 --> 00:20:11,138 Shit. 511 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,041 That was way worse than I thought it was gonna be. 512 00:20:15,164 --> 00:20:16,732 CHARLES: It was only a one-game suspension. 513 00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,079 It could've been way worse, right? 514 00:20:21,743 --> 00:20:22,971 Hey, Jim? 515 00:20:22,996 --> 00:20:24,128 Yeah? 516 00:20:24,192 --> 00:20:25,859 Why are we here? 517 00:20:25,927 --> 00:20:27,784 Charles, sometimes you just have to cut out 518 00:20:27,809 --> 00:20:30,882 those annoying middlemen called fun and conversation... 519 00:20:31,486 --> 00:20:33,652 and get straight to the booze. 520 00:20:33,807 --> 00:20:36,687 ♪♪ 521 00:20:36,972 --> 00:20:39,328 I just watched a man pull out his own loose tooth. 522 00:20:39,474 --> 00:20:40,808 I hate it here. 523 00:20:40,936 --> 00:20:42,602 I didn't get carded when I came in, 524 00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:45,000 and I'm not even the youngest person here. 525 00:20:45,059 --> 00:20:47,470 Oh, Lil Pete's all right. 526 00:20:48,589 --> 00:20:50,916 No, don't... don't make eye contact with him. 527 00:20:50,941 --> 00:20:53,089 That third trip to juvie, that changed him. 528 00:20:53,474 --> 00:20:56,459 What are you having, hmm? I'm buying. 529 00:20:57,152 --> 00:20:59,695 Yeah, um, I can't be your producer, 530 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,897 your roommate, your best friend, 531 00:21:01,922 --> 00:21:04,322 housekeeper, and drinking buddy. 532 00:21:04,919 --> 00:21:06,919 I know you said I can't say their name anymore, 533 00:21:06,944 --> 00:21:09,721 but I only know one person who can match you drink for drink. 534 00:21:09,830 --> 00:21:10,896 If you want some company, 535 00:21:10,939 --> 00:21:13,339 I recommend making a call to Morristown. 536 00:21:13,774 --> 00:21:14,980 [SIGHS] 537 00:21:15,049 --> 00:21:16,515 Yeah, you're right. 538 00:21:16,558 --> 00:21:17,788 [KNOCK ON DOOR] 539 00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:19,193 Ha ha! 540 00:21:19,261 --> 00:21:22,129 [LAUGHS] 541 00:21:22,318 --> 00:21:23,550 Whoo! 542 00:21:23,926 --> 00:21:25,730 You know this is not who I was talking about. 543 00:21:25,755 --> 00:21:27,838 There he is. Brockmire. 544 00:21:27,876 --> 00:21:30,410 Oh, man! 545 00:21:30,644 --> 00:21:32,248 I brought you a present. 546 00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:35,578 Oh. What are those, mints? 547 00:21:35,618 --> 00:21:37,217 Horse tranquilizer. 548 00:21:37,312 --> 00:21:39,579 Ah, you see? I missed you. 549 00:21:39,641 --> 00:21:40,894 Come here. Mwah! 550 00:21:40,919 --> 00:21:43,187 synced & corrected by PopcornAWH www.addic7ed.com 551 00:21:47,296 --> 00:21:48,661 You're more likable when you're drunk. 552 00:21:48,690 --> 00:21:51,658 Those are the words that every alcoholic longs to be true. 553 00:21:53,207 --> 00:21:54,572 This is New Orleans. 554 00:21:54,597 --> 00:21:56,296 Every carnal pleasure was invented right here. 555 00:21:56,698 --> 00:21:57,964 You're a brown Joe Buck. 556 00:21:58,180 --> 00:22:01,077 Ha ha. No. Joe Buck is a white me. 557 00:22:01,136 --> 00:22:02,902 This literally could not get any worse. 558 00:22:03,038 --> 00:22:05,404 Lucy? Okay, it just got significantly worse. 559 00:22:05,565 --> 00:22:07,065 ♪♪ 560 00:22:07,129 --> 00:22:09,963 This comeback might be over before it's begun. 561 00:22:10,017 --> 00:22:13,018 Ho. We are definitely not on the same page 562 00:22:13,043 --> 00:22:14,509 about how to spend this evening. 563 00:22:14,578 --> 00:22:17,479 "Brockmire." Wednesdays at 10:00 on IFC.