You're either a Michael, a Fredo, or a Sonny.
I'm going to mix us up some things here.
Oh! I love what you've done with what's left of the place.
I always thought I was a Michael,
but [Chuckles] clearly, I'm a Sonny.
I'm gonna mix us up some things here.
Smoking crack on a marble floor,
it just -- it adds a "last days of Rome" vibe
to the whole enterprise. [Sniffs]
Clearly, I'm a Sonny.
I mean, I self-destruct, I'm easily provoked,
and can't handle the big job because I cannot handle myself.
I'm also always had a lot of trouble at toll booths.
[Glasses clink]
What's your story anyway?
It's the story of cruelty, greed, and death.
Yeah, that's gonna be a hard pass.
Only Dickens could make
that kind of a tale amusing. [Lighter clicks]
You know what the key was to that?
Silly names.
Abject poverty in the Industrial Age
goes down a lot smoother
when it's happening to Sweedlepipe Chuzzlewit.
Shut up!
[Bottle topper pops, lighter clicks]
Well... [Chuckles]
Fix -- Oh!
[Blows landing] Kick him in the dick!
Kick him in the dick!
You take things too far. Do you know that?
Are you tired of it?
Tired of always calling a game that you never actually play?
[Scoffs]
[Chuckling] Oh!
Batter up! Batter up!
Batter up, bitch.
Whoo-hoo!
[Laughs]
[Bottle topper pops, glasses clink]
[Lighter clicks]
♪♪
I want you to fuck me on the front row!
And I want you to lock eyes
with the saddest dad you can find --
one that only has visitation on the weekends.
Oh, I really wish that hadn't just gotten me hard.
[Laughs] [Chuckles]
♪♪
Papa Stinker: There's nothing in the Little Bear League rule book
that says skunks can't play baseball.
Pipsqueak: Papa Stinker's right! Play ball!
♪♪
Jim: Boy, I really want to find out
what happened at the end of "Little Stinkers 2."
They threw us out of there before we could find out who won the big game.
[Lighter clicks] I mean, you assume
it's going to be the Stinkers, but you don't know.
You know, they already greenlit part three.
I mean, uh, could be an "Empire Strikes Back" kind of a situation.
This is a franchise that takes chances.
I mean, nobody saw the death of Susie Stinker
coming at the end of part one, but, uh, they went there.
Have to get something special from the bedroom.
Ooh, if you want to go again,
I'm gonna need a little bit more downtime.
You know, anal really takes the lead out of my pencil.
And my Viagra contact
moved back to, uh, uh, uh, uh, um...
I have something else in mind.
Oh. [Chuckles]
[Chuckling] What?
Life is meaningless chaos.
The only control you ever have
is when you create some of your own!
[Laughs] Oh.
Okay.
[Laughs]
[Chuckles]
Uh-oh.
You ready to go crazy?!
I am.
I just found some random pills
in the secret, little drug pocket of my pants here.
Boy, I have no idea what these are.
Well...
[Exhales sharply, chuckles]
You ready for an adventure?!
Yes.
♪♪
Oh, we are definitely not on the same page
about how to spend this evening.
Mnh-mnh. Hmm.
[Echoed booing]
Okay, I'm about as all-American as they come.
I love baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, rye whiskey.
I never got into handguns, though.
-Let's play Russian roulette.
-Oh, my God. Jesus.
I thought you were gonna murder me.
I mean, no, you understand, right?
You give off a really murdery vibe.
-[Inhales sharply]
-Oh, God. You know what?
No. I'm gonna say no to this.
Come on.
Because as much as I might hate my life -- and I do --
I don't really want to end it quite yet.
Don't you?
I've watched you choose death every day you've been here.
I'm just suggesting we pick up the pace.
Yeah, this is -- this is fast enough for me. Seriously.
I mean, you know, my friends, my family, they --
Would what? What? They'd be devastated?
You think so?
There's a reason we ended up here together.
We've burned every possible bridge.
I'm a burden to everybody who's ever loved me...
and I know the same is true of you.
Yeah, it is. [Chuckles]
I mean, don't you want to know?
Uh, know what?
If you pull the trigger and it goes click,
are you gonna feel relief or regret?
[Exhales sharply]
Pbht.
That is something I'd like to know.
[Exhales sharply]
All right. Here. [Laughs]
Shit. [Chamber clicks]
What do you -- How do you start something like this?
Um... Jesus Christ.
Alright, easy with that thing.
Okay. We let the gun decide.
Okay, we let the gun -- Hey.
Oh, I see. Alright.
[Objects clatter]
Oh boy. [Grunts]
Alright. Okay. You know what?
L-L-Let -- Let me -- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh!
[Sighs]
It does seem to be pointing generally in your direction.
So, I figure, got a 1 in 6 chance, right?
That's -- what is that -- That's 16.66 percent.
Uh, definitely faced worse odds in my life.
You probably have, too.
Plus, if you factor in gravity,
the bullet is likely to have settled
towards the bottom of the chamber there,
so that means that, uh,
your odds are more like --
[Gunshot] Oh, sh--
[High-pitched ringing]
Oh, shit.
Oh, sh-- Oh!
Oh. Oh, my God.
Oh, come on!
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
♪♪
Ugh!
♪♪
[Bullets clinking]
[Laughs]
You're alive?!
Oh, my God.
Look at your face.
[Laughs, coughs]
[Monitor beeping steadily]
[Exhales sharply]
Hi.
[Scoffs] You took me to the hospital?
Pussy.
Alright, now, the doctor says you're gonna be just fine.
You were very fortunate.
The bullet just grazed your scalp.
Hey, e-easy there. Suicide watch.
It's gonna be like that for the next 24 hours.
You just let me know if you need me to get you a sip of water
or to scratch an itch or go down on you.
Always said I'd do that anytime, anyplace,
and this would definitely put that to the test.
Can't believe I flinched like a little bitch.
Well, apparently, it's very normal to flinch
when a gun is pressed to your temple.
Yeah, foolproof is right here, underneath the chin.
Just remembered
the doctor told me not to share that with you.
God damn it. I think -- Whoa.
I think those --
I think the pills I took are starting to kick in.
How are you still here?
Uh, it is after visiting hours, but having scurvy
makes you somewhat of a medical celebrity
with special privileges.
No, stupid, why didn't you drop me off and leave?
Well, I had to know, God damn it.
I mean, you pulled the trigger, and you lived.
You feel relief or regret?
No.
You didn't play the game.
You don't get to know.
Well, I tried to play the game.
No, you didn't.
You were just a tourist getting your kicks off my misery.
And you think you're broken
because your wife cheated on you
and your daddy didn't love you?
[Voice breaking] I know real pain. I know real pain.
Now get the fuck out of here!
[Sobs]
[Sighs]
[P.A. system beeps]
Jim...Brockmire?
Oh, God. What? What?
The doctor said that you were the one who brought her in.
I just wanted to say thank you.
Oh, yes, I did.
Um...
was it an accident?
Hmm? Oh, God, no.
No, she wanted to go. [Sighs]
She did. But, you know, sh--
Doctor says she's, um -- she'll be alright.
Yeah, I know.
Don't you want her to get better, man?
I did... the first five times.
Now I just want it to be over.
Eh, well, she did say
that she was a tremendous burden on everybody --
whoever loved her.
Nice to know we still agree on something.
She was the CEO of her own company.
[Monitor beeping echoes]
It's hard to come back from --
[Grunts]
What are you doing? Are you dancing?
This looks bad, I'm sure. I'm so sorry.
I, um, I took some mystery pills
before she pulled out the gun earlier.
Oh, boy, it must've been MDMA
because, whoa,
I'm vibing on that heart monitor.
You hear that? Stop now.
[Echoing beeping continues]
I'm sorry. I'm sure this -- Oh, this is disrespectful.
God damn it. I'm so sorry. I just --
My body, it just has to talk right now.
Ugh. [Chuckles]
What is wrong with you?
So much! Just so, so much.
Just --
[Echoing beeping continues]
Idiot, Brockmire.
You're such a stupid idiot.
[Sighs]
[Echoing beeping continues]
[Door closes]
[Exhales sharply]
[Beeping normalizes]
Oh, shit.
[Telephone rings]
[Indistinct chatter]
[P.A. system beeps]
Man: Doctor on call to room 374.
♪ You'll be swell ♪
♪ You'll be great ♪
♪ Gonna have the whole world on a plate ♪
♪ Starting here, starting now ♪
♪ Honey, everything's coming up roses ♪
Oh, I see a lot of new faces here,
so I'm gonna introduce myself again.
My name is Jimmy, and I work here.
Now, you've joined us during a very, very special week.
This is our tribute to Ann-Margret.
Now, yesterday, we watched Ann say hello to the world
in "Bye, Bye, Birdie."
Tomorrow, we're gonna see her
get just covered in baked beans in "Tommy."
But right now, boy, I think this is her best performance.
This is 1971's "Carnal Knowledge,"
Mike Nichols' cynical and incisive deconstruction
of repression, sexuality, and monogamy.
Also, you totally get to see her yabbos,
so [Chuckles] enjoy.
♪♪
Hey, Jimmy.
♪♪
Why didn't you call me?
Oh, Charles, I wanted to, I did,
but, uh, well, at first, I wasn't sure I'd be okay.
And then, after I did pull myself together, I --
well...
I wasn't too sure you'd like the new me.
Of course I'd like you.
Everything great in my life
is as result of what you and I built together.
I-I love you, Jim.
[Crying]
I-I love you, too, Ch-- I love you, too.
I think this is the first time I've seen you cry
without being drunk or watching "Field of Dreams."
[Chuckles] I'm ju-- I'm sorry.
I'm, like, a newborn baby. I cry all the time now.
[Sniffles] Oh, man.
Yesterday, I watched a hummingbird eat at a feeder.
I sobbed so hard, I gave myself the hiccups all day.
Well, um, listen, man.
I came with some good news.
Oakland wants to bring you on as their fill-in announcer.
You'd be back in the big leagues...finally.
[Exhales sharply]
How the hell is that possible?
Well, I told them you were in rehab,
and they flipped out.
They want to sell it as a redemption story.
[Exhales sharply]
Doesn't half the country still hate my guts for calling Art a racist?
I mean, what the hell changed?
Well, Art was caught
putting cameras in the girls' bathrooms
at every Uncle Art's Chicken Shack.
That and he was paying his black employees 30 percent less,
but that story got a lot less traction.
Huh.
I-I just -- I can't believe that I keep getting
chance after chance like this, can you?
Well, yeah. It's white privilege.
[Sighs]
So, is that a yes to Oakland?
Oh, Charles, I don't know.
I mean, I figured out how to live here.
Out there's an entirely different story.
You can't hide forever, Jim.
Yeah, sure I can. I probably should, too, Charles.
I mean, I'm an alcoholic, and I'm a drug addict.
And a baseball man.
That's where you'll always belong.
Well...
does this mean you'd be coming with me?
No.
I've built something in New Orleans.
I have to stay.
But I'll always be in your life.
I know you've lost a few friends, but I haven't.
I'm not gonna let you ruin my perfect record.
[Sobs] Thank you, Charles.
Alright.
[Crying]
Sorry.
Geez.
I'm ridiculous. I'm -- It's a lot.
I'm fine. Just pretend I'm not crying.
Seriously. Pull yourself together.
This -- This-- This is a lot.
Sorry. [Sobs]
But, uh, I think I've found someone
to help you get settled in Oakland.
Oh, come on.
Hi. [Chuckles]
[Laughs]
Hey. Hi.
You look great.
No, you look great.
[Heel clacks] Thank you.
[Laughs]
Hey, did I hear that the Frackers
won the pennant this year?
-They did. -Oh, my God.
My God, Jules, congratulations.
I also did some consulting work
for Scranton Wilkes-Barre last season.
That's the Yankees' AAA team.
Oh, come on. That's big time!
I'm -- I'm very impressed.
Oh, boy. Congrats, Jules.
Thank you.
Alright, look, um...
...I do want to tell you something.
Hey, I thought there were going to be tits in this movie.
There will be. There will.
So far, it's just a whole lot of Art Garfunkel.
Well, it's also a young Mike Nichols
growing as a visual artist
and a very restrained performance
by a young Jack Nicholson.
But maybe your junky ass
don't see so good anymore, huh?
Is that the problem? It's okay.
Huh? Get -- Get out of here!
Hey, hey, hey. Go on!
-Hey! Hey! -No, they can't be --
Sorry. Sorry. Calm down.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
[Clicks tongue]
Is there some place private we could talk?
Yeah, of course. I'm sorry.
Just go right -- right in there.
Well, this is my room.
[Both chuckle]
Got kind of a lot of down time here,
so I work through some of that
by kind of compulsively painting.
I see that face in my dreams every single night.
I figure it's got to mean something, right?
[Sniffs]
That's Pete Rose.
No, it's not!
[Chuckles]
Holy shit. That's Pete Rose.
Yep.
Shit!
Well... not doing that anymore.
Fricking hate Pete Rose.
[Chuckles]
Not funny. I spent a lot of time on this shit.
[Chuckles nervously]
So, you. [Chuckles]
Yeah, hey.
If you went through all 12 steps,
how come I never got my amends?
That's the best part of having your friends get sober --
the apology tour.
Right. Hey.
Hey, you can start
with the time you pissed the bed
and tried to convince me I'd done it.
Oh, shit. I couldn't produce that much urine in a week.
[Laughs]
I'm gonna call that, but it sounds like me,
and I do apologize for that.
But thing is that the program dictates
we're not supposed to make amends if doing so
would cause injury to others.
So, you know, I figured if you were happy and everything,
I wouldn't reopen old wounds.
You know.
Please. I am the toughest guy you know.
-[Exhales sharply] -Hit me with your best shot.
Give me your most dangerous apology.
[Inhales deeply]
[Sighs]
Alright.
Well...
[Sighs]
You know, it took me coming here
to understand the truth that you just kept trying to tell me,
that life is a series of choices.
And ultimately, I really didn't have
the power to make different ones.
You know, the moments that I beat myself up over the most --
and not the dark ones,
those just led me on the path to sobriety.
No, it --
What keeps me up at night
is every single time I walked away from you.
Now, every choice I made
that took me in the opposite direction of you,
[Slaps thigh] that was the wrong one.
Jules...
I'm so sorry I couldn't be a better man to you.
I am.
I mean, in a life so full of regrets,
you'll always be my biggest one.
That's what you were afraid to tell me?
Shit.
Just wish I had recorded it so I could have it for my ringtone.
Well, I'm glad that my words could bring you some comfort,
but... Thank you.
...we are supposed to back up our words with positive actions.
So... Oh.
...Jules, if there's anything I can do for you
to make it up to you, anything,
I want you to let me know, okay?
Okay.
[Exhales sharply]
I-I want you to say healthy.
That's what you need to focus on right now, okay?
Okay. Alright.
Oh, I -- You ready to go to Oakland?
Oakland? No. God, no.
You know, I mean, I'll try my best and go anyway, but --
Yeah, you will.
Yeah, I will.
There's one thing I'd like to do
before I get out of here, though.
[Insects chirping]
So, how's it going, Charles? How's Yvonne?
She's good.
Yeah, really good.
Um...
she cheated on me, uh, with my friend Dave,
and, well, they're in love now,
and she's pregnant.
And somehow, they convinced me
it would be a good idea for them to live in my house.
So, every day's a waking nightmare.
Charles, you were forced at a very young age
to do some very adult things,
not the least of which was taking care of me.
Which you did very well, by the way.
But you know what?
You still got a lot of growing yet to do.
Your best is yet to come. I promise you.
Thanks, Jim.
[Pats back]
Hey.
Gents.
Oh, man.
Well, you can't expect me to stay sober
in a place this depressing.
[Liquid pours]
[Scoffs]
So, the suspense is killing me.
What made you finally pussy out and get sober?
[Chuckles]
I just got tired of being such a burden on all my loved ones.
And I realized that my death was probably not gonna be
a solution to that problem.
If anything, it was just gonna make it more permanent.
No, if I wanted to undo all the damage that I had done,
I was gonna have to become a sober, responsible adult
for the first time in my life.
And maybe, just maybe, if I did that,
I'd be fortunate enough to get to do things
like spend time with you two again.
My guess was gonna be heroin.
No.
No drug could have ever gotten me to that place of truth,
believe me.
I think you're wildly underestimating heroin.
[Chuckles]
I just want to do
all the things I never had time for before.
Like watch this sunset, for example.
Okay, how long do I have to do this
before I'm able to say that I did it?
-Most people wait 'til it's actually completely set.
-[Sighs]
♪♪
Well, Jesus Christ. Is it even moving?
["Everything's Coming Up Roses" plays]
-Was there a time when this was fun?
-♪ Everything's coming up roses ♪
♪ For me and for you ♪