Subtitles by explosiveskull
"Brockmire".
New season, Wednesdays at 10, starts April 3rd on IFC.
Boy, have I had trouble sleeping lately.
My sober mind, it just races through
all the clarity and the silence.
Brockmire,
really finding his rhythm now.
Masturbation, my best defense
against the seemingly endless nights.
Bye, bye, birdie.
Carnal knowledge.
Oh, "Newsies"!
When that wore off,
I tried to exhaust myself with hobbies.
Ah, yeah.
And you can be right next to Howard.
But that turned tedious,
so I went back to masturbation.
Oh, Christmas is coming!
Hoo, Merry Christmas, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
Help.
And that's when I started hearing the voice.
Help.
- Help. - It was monotone,
but, God, it was unrelenting.
- Help. - And then it happened again
the next night.
Help.
- And the night after that. - Help.
- Help. Help. - And the night after that.
No matter where I looked,
I just... I couldn't find the source.
Help.
Help. Help. Help.
There was only one explanation.
I was chasing a voice inside my own head.
But what the hell was I trying to tell myself?
I mean, I didn't know whether I was supposed to
help the world or my friends or myself.
So I just got down on my knees
and I said a prayer to all three.
And I just sank into serenity like a warm bath.
Quick footnote to that story,
turns out I wasn't the voice at all.
That was the voice of my 86-year-old neighbor, Eunice.
See, my super explained to me that Eunice
has 24-hour in-home care, except for a 5-minute gap
due to the bus schedules of both of her nurses.
And she just screams her head off
throughout that entire five minutes. Ha.
Yeah, then my super offered me some Oxy.
Even for Florida,
the whole thing was extremely Florida.
Any hoodles, that's my share,
so don't forget to tip that donation box, people.
God bless, you.
So long.
You're supposed to listen to the other people speak.
I know. I'm running out to a work thing.
Maybe.
That's not why you're leaving.
How you doing there?
- My name's Jim Brockmire. - I know who you are.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
Is that a positive or a negative for me in this moment?
It's a lot of both.
Well, that seems to be the general consensus.
Look, despite what you might think,
I take my sobriety very seriously.
I'm looking for a sponsor while I'm here for spring training.
So...
Are you interested or what?
I'll be your sponsor,
if you tell the truth about the end of your share.
I did tell you the truth about the end of my share.
There was a woman crying out for help, scared and alone.
What did you do about it?
I soundproofed the townhouse.
Now I'll be your sponsor.
How'd you know that was true?
Truth always sounds awful when you hear it out loud.
Ah.
Ain't that the truth?
Jesus, this Florida humidity.
Gene Kelly is swinging an umbrella
all up in my swamp ass.
Okay.
As some of you may have already heard,
I'm about to head on to the DL for a little while.
- Kick cancer's ass, Bat! - Yeah!
Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma doesn't know what it's in for!
Thanks, fellas. The, uh, outpouring of support
from everybody, especially the fans,
has been truly special. So while I'm laid up,
holding things down on the radio side
will be these two superstars.
First up, two-time NCAA
champion softball legend, Gabby Taylor.
Thank you. It is an honor and a privilege
to be sharing the stage with you today, Bat.
And joining Gabby in the booth will be Jim Brockmire.
Jim, you wanna have your public meltdown now or later?
Oh, well.
Yeah, my... at this point in my last press conference,
I'd been tazed and stripped down naked,
so this is already a tremendous win for me.
But in all seriousness,
I'm so grateful to be back around the game I love so much.
It's been a very long road back.
I have been truly humbled both personally and professionally
and, well, I'm here to tell you that I arrived here
a very different man.
What kind of a joyless golem serves soup in a green room?
Are they requesting that we eat it out of a cup,
out of some kind of failed attempt at shabby chic?
Nope, helter-skelter, forgot the bowls. Hey!
Just don't eat the soup.
Jesus. Look at this shit.
It's like a goddamn public school cafeteria.
- Right? - Hey, Bat, if you're hungry,
I'd love to take you out to lunch,
maybe pick your broadcasting brain?
Yeah, I'm gonna pass on lunch.
No problem, yeah, you could probably use the downtime.
Actually, my aunt recently battled breast cancer.
I look like I have breasts?
No.
No, you look like you're entirely made out of muscle,
just like a human tendon, you know?
Uh, don't let the cancer fool you.
He's an asshole.
Has to make everybody around him feel small.
It's part of his whole Matt the Bat shenanigans.
His nickname?
He got that from being a good hitter.
Oh, no, he was a "Punch and Judy" infielder
whose glove kept him in the game.
No, the derivation of Matt the Bat comes from, uh...
his locker room presence.
He's got the biggest dick in baseball history.
- Whoa, seriously? - Oh, yeah.
Matt loves all that alpha male bullshit.
He likes bump into you accidentally on purpose
to make an impression.
Literally. Left a dent.
There's a density to it, Gabby.
It's like a wind sock that's been packed with wet sand.
Any hoodles, that's where the name Matt the Bat comes from.
Also, he's the worst. I mean, the worst,
and despite what you might have heard about me...
No, I'm not.
I wanna assure you, sobriety has changed me.
Okay, really. I am no longer that reckless say-anything Jim.
You just spent the last two minutes
going into aggressive detail about our coworker's dick.
Oh, shit, I did do that, didn't I?
God damn it, I am just...
I am not built for the 21st century workplace.
Are we still on for lunch, because...
Can we just talk about
the dick thing again for one moment?
- Oh, my God. Why? - Well, I want to apologize.
I wanna assure you I am no Louie C.K. or Charlie Rose.
Although, I did once role play as John Lasseter
at a Pixar-themed orgy one time
but, you know, I've always practiced...
- Hello! - Oh, hey, friend.
Here you go. This thing's getting mighty stinky.
Oh, no, no, no.
I'm your producer, Gus Barton. How are you?
- Hi. - Nice to see you.
- Gus Barton. - Hi.
Do you mind if I ask you your qualifications, sir?
I don't mind at all.
Worked for the Montreal Expos.
The Expos left in 2004.
Yup.
So I spent the last 15 years living in Montreal
raising three kids while my wife taught at McGill.
The soup foretold all of this.
So my wife jokes that I'd be the perfect guy
to produce a career killer like Jim Brockmire,
because my career is already dead.
Mmm.
She's got a very dark sense of humor.
I think that's what cost her her tenure.
2014 was a tough year.
Nobody thinks that I'm a career killer.
That's the first thing my agent said
when he called to tell me we were paired together.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, count me, that's seven, eight.
Yeah, no, that's a lot of careers. Okay.
- Ohh... - No, no, no, no,
this is when I do a daily moral inventory.
All right, note to self.
"Stop killing people's careers."
Boom. Problem solved.
Thank you for inviting me to the broadcaster's dinner.
- Sure. - I drove past it twice.
I didn't think a nice restaurant
would be in such a run-down strip mall.
All of Central Florida's a run-down strip mall.
This complex alone is a Pentecostal church,
a gun shop, and a Jersey Mike's.
Here they are.
Hey, boys.
Ah, hmm, looks like we're gonna need
one more chair here, my friend.
No, no, no, don't bother with that.
We don't have room.
Right, well, message received.
Oh, no, no, no, this is some
industrial-grade bullshit right here.
Look, I sympathize with you, I do.
All the things you consider to be good, clean fun
are now considered to be mean and sexist,
but, you know, that's just 'cause they are.
The chair is for Gabby.
- Oh. - She's a ball player.
Well, I don't understand.
Well, we don't like you, Brockmire.
- Oh. - At your very best,
you are like a circus bear
who would stumble around for the crowd to laugh at.
- Ho ho hoo. - Now, when they trot you out,
it is just sad.
Somebody should have taken you behind the tent
and shot you years ago.
Well, well, well...
- Jim, are you okay? - No, please, I'm fine.
Just... I'm a little more emotional these days
- than I used to be. - You stay.
I'll grab a bite at the Jersey Mike's.
Maybe swing by the Pentecostal church,
watch a little snake handling to go along with my
aggressively oily sammie.
What the shit!
Well, don't just let that hang out in my house.
Kill it. Shoot it.
I don't carry a gun.
Isn't that the whole point of Florida?
Hey, I didn't get into this job
to kill defenseless animals, all right?
I did it to kill gators.
But I'm not harming that poor, defenseless tortoise.
That big guy hibernates in the winter.
Now, I'm guessing they turned the heat on a few days early...
I'm sure his life has all the complexity
of a Russian novel, all right?
Can you please just get it the hell out of here?
Look, it's coming at us.
It's an elderly animal. No one's gonna adopt it.
Betty White is an elderly animal.
That is a boring monster who smells like dead, wet dog.
If I take him, it's a death sentence.
Okay.
I'm good with that.
It's probably for the best.
Darwin.
There you go.
Ugh!
- What's in the folder? - Research.
Fun facts for the big broadcast.
God, I love the public library.
It's America's greatest institution.
Yeah, the last time I was in a public library
I saw three different homeless people masturbating.
Yeah, not a great time for American institutions.
- No. I got you something. - Oh.
In softball, the entire team always wears something
on opening day as a sign of unity.
The best team I was ever on did this tour through China
where I got these pins.
I thought we could wear them.
Oh, that's so sweet and thoughtful.
Thank you.
So what, you wear one, I wear one,
and then we put one on the desk to like
represent the audience?
No, the third pin is for Gus.
Oh, gross. No. Come on. No.
He's not part of the team. We're the talent.
You don't give Gus a gift for the same reason
you don't feed a dog from the table.
Very important that he always knows his place.
What an asshole.
Oh, man, he's just the worst, isn't he?
- Not him. You. - Right.
My philosophy about broadcasting is
you don't sweat the small stuff.
- And you know what? - Ooh, don't say it.
It's all small stuff.
And you wanted to give him a pin.
You see, we are the part-time radio crew
of the cheapest organization in baseball.
So enjoy the view from the bottom of the broadcast barrel.
- Relax, put on your headphones... - Don't do headphones.
Can't stand the sound of my own voice.
Really? Now, see, I assumed you
masturbated to your own voice.
My real voice, sure, but no headphone
can capture the complex bourbon and butter flavor
of my actual timbre.
Jim, I get the impression
that you don't respect me as a producer.
Well, Gus, I'm so sorry.
I did not mean to give you that impression.
I should have been more clear.
I 100% don't respect you as a producer or as a man.
Gus, I guess I don't respect you in totality.
Fine, one man's opinion.
How about you, Gabby, huh?
What do you think?
Really? How come?
Well, it starts with the overalls
and then it just kind of branches out from there.
Overalls allow me to fully experience the freedom of life
without undergarments.
- Ohh... - And you guys,
you voluntarily wear the 100% cotton chastity belts,
and I'm the weirdo, huh?
All right, Jim, you don't wear headphones, fine.
I'll just poke you with a big stick
whenever I need to tell you something.
Okay, headphones. Let's see.
Testing, one, two. Testing.
Folks. Folks, that ball is Maria-Conchita-a-gone-zo.
Well, these thing's are broken
because my voice sounds ridiculous through them.
All right, we're on in three, two, one...
Welcome, everybody, to the inaugural season
at Oaklands's brand-new spring training facility
here in Seascape, Florida.
I am Jim Brockmire.
I'm joined by my partner, Gabby Taylor.
Very excited to be joining you in the booth today, Jim,
in this lovely new stadium.
It is a beautiful spring afternoon for baseball here
at King Venom Vape Cartridge Stadium.
Few fun facts about the city of Seascape,
our home for the next six weeks...
two years ago, its mostly elderly and retired citizens
were duped. They were tricked
into paying for this stadium by voting yes
on the misleadingly named Make Grandchildren Visit Act.
So a $200-million-stadium was built
that nobody wanted and had no team to occupy it.
In order to lure Oakland
to come all the way across the country,
the city of Seascape had to promise them free rent,
so we are party here today to a civic boondoggle
of just epic proportions.
I mean, swimming pools drained,
children's educations thwarted,
shut-in's meals undelivered...
all in the name of King Venom Vape Cartridge Stadium.
"King Venom Vape Cartridges,
"the best in the biz. And we're not blowing smoke.
We're blowing flavor infused vapor, ash-holezzz."
Boy, that seemed needlessly aggressive.
That's enough, Jim.
Are you kidding, sir? We are on the air here.
No, we're not.
I knew you were gonna pull this shit during the first game,
so I lied to you about starting the broadcast.
We're actually on the air now.
Oh, no, 20 seconds ago.
20 seconds ago?
What the fuck was that?
Everything I said was public record.
It was all in the newspaper.
What is the big deal?
You make a big show about how different you are,
but going from drunk asshole to sober asshole
isn't the dramatic makeover you think it is.
It's not like I dragged you into it.
Yes, you did. We are partners.
My future is handcuffed to yours,
and as a black woman in the same game
that protected Art Newlie,
I'm not gonna get chance after chance like you.
This is it. I get the one.
If that mic had been live, you could have ended my career.
Well, no, no, I could not have,
'cause remember I wrote that down in the book?
No, 'member?
I did write it.
In, in, in...
- Oh, boy. - Hey.
Heard you had dead air on your first broadcast.
Wow!
Seriously, if you want to go back behind the tent,
I'll make it quick.
No, stay away from me with the penis bullshit!
Too fast for you!
Two legs are always quicker than three.
Oh, shit!
Ow.
Oh, gross!
God damn it.
Come here.
There you go.
Have a nice life.
Jim, you wanna have your public meltdown now or later?
Going from drunk asshole to sober asshole...
There was a woman crying out for help,
scared and alone. What did you do about it?
You can't change.
You were born broken and made worse.
Little piece of shit.
You are just a miserable piece of shit!
What's going on?
What's going on is I haven't slept in a week.
Almost got fired my first day,
everybody at work hates my guts.
I mean, as insane as this might sound to say out loud,
it's like nobody even cares that I am sober.
They don't. Jesus. What do you expect?
A parade?
Para... A party, maybe.
You know, lots of soda, and people hugging me,
telling me how proud they are of me.
Maybe Joe Buck'd give a speech.
Everybody chips in and buys me a star.
You know, like a constellation. I'm just spitballing.
God, Earl's gonna love that one.
I thought this was supposed to be anonymous.
Oh, yeah, no, no, it is.
Don't worry, I never mention you by name.
I just told him you were a famous sportscaster
known for a string of public meltdowns.
Well, that narrows it down to me and Marv Albert,
and Marv ain't in Seascape, Shirley.
Look, people are just gonna doubt you
till you can prove you're making different choices.
But I am making different choices.
In the old days, I would have ripped Matt and new one.
Nobody talks to me like that and gets a pass,
but I held my tongue on account of the cancer.
You want credit for not insulting a man with cancer?
Yeah!
I'm gonna guess you started drinking at, uh, 15.
That's right. How did you know that?
Well, an alcoholic's maturity usually freezes in time
right about when they first pick up the bottle.
Also I have a shitty, know-it-all
15-year-old at home.
Makes sense.
I do jerk it like a 15-year-old.
He buys these Costco-sized tubs of lotion
for his dry hands.
I still don't know why he needs the candles.
Mm. You know, sometimes you want to treat yourself.
I often put on Sade...
make a night of it.
Okay, so, look,
the key to relationships
is to learn how to be in one
without expecting anything in return.
Well, how's that a relationship?
Where's the transaction?
Just start out with a plant.
Or, you know, a very low-maintenance pet
like a lizard, or a snake,
I don't know. You know? A frog.
I wouldn't even know where to get one of those.
Hey.
You were right, okay? I'm an asshole.
I'm a total asshole.
I want to be a good person like you.
I really do.
I just have no idea how to go about it.
I know that not littering figures prominently.
Beyond that, I'm just winging it.
Please be patient with me, okay?
I promise you I'm gonna do better.
Hmm. I see you're wearing that pin
in a cheap ploy to win my affection.
Cheap?
Paid a fortune to have these overnighted from China.
I gave one to Gus, and I apologized to him.
Hmm.
See, I thought you might be skeptical,
so I took a picture of us
with today's paper as proof of pin.
- Huh. - See?
I really want to be on your team, Gabby.
And even more than that, I'd like to be your friend.
Okay, yeah, I mean,
I don't know about friend,
but I could use a workout partner.
I'll take what I can get.
Now, I've been exercising a lot since I got sober.
I'm not the fastest runner in the world,
but are you familiar with the story of the tortoise and...
- Shit! - What?
Where are you going?
I just threw away my one chance
at healthy, adult relationships.
Turtle!
How far could you get?
Help.
Help...
Subtitles by explosiveskull