You're the most precious little thing in the world, aren't you?
[Giggles] Yeah.
[Knock on door]
Oh.
**
[Whispering] Come here.
[Rattle jingles] There you go.
[Door opens]
Hey, Stacy.
You're looking hot.
Aw. Thanks, Chaz.
"Amadeus" isn't out yet,
so I rented "Lone Wolf McQuade"
and "Solarbabies."
Sorry we couldn't go to the movies,
but I ain't got no sitter.
Oh, that's okay.
I never dated a single mom before.
I like it.
[Chuckles]
So, can I come in or what?
[Baby squeals]
As long as you're entering
of your own free will.
Sure thing.
[Chuckles]
**
These are flowers. [Chuckles]
Yeah.
Mm. [Both chuckle]
[Growl]
**
Uh, hey, Stacie?
Why is your baby out of his crib?
[Roar]
[Screams]
**
[Indistinct conversations]
They look so happy.
Denise: I know. I hate to destroy them.
I'm really hungry, though.
I think donuts are the most happy food.
I mean, they're so cute. They never end.
They just keep going around and around and around --
I was actually -- I was talking about
that woman over there with that little baby.
Oh. Yeah.
They seem happy...too.
Not as happy as my eggs.
Not everybody can have it all.
Do you think you'll ever have kids?
What? God no.
Are you crazy?
Why not? Children are wonderful.
Yeah, some of them are,
but then some of them grow up to be serial killers
or clowns or serial-killing clowns.
Blugh.
And I don't have a boyfriend.
I think being a single mom would be a nightmare.
None taken.
Well, what about guys?
I mean, is there anybody you like?
Kevin -- the groundskeeper at the cemetery.
Anyone else?
I like Kevin, and I'm not ashamed of it.
Everybody thinks they're above him,
you know, because he works underground.
He's a great guy. Yeah, no,
Kevin is...an option.
Just, you know, you're a very attractive young woman.
I'm wondering if you have any other prospects.
[Murmurs indistinctly]
The groundskeeper at Mannered Falls, Willy,
he's pretty hot, too.
But that's a veterans cemetery,
and it feels a little bit too political for me.
And he has a cauliflower hand.
What about somebody who doesn't dig graves for a living?
Like a mortician or a casket salesmen?
Yeah, or like a law clerk or a doctor
or basic dude who has a job that doesn't involve
the preparation and disposal of dead people?
I don't know, I just...
I never really thought about dating outside the industry.
[Scoffs] Outside the indus--
You -- But you don't even...
You should get a babysitting job.
**
I hate to do this to you guys,
but at least you died doing what you love --
being eggs.
Oh, oh!
Uh, so, Denise...
you're doing this of your, um,
own free will, right?
Yeah, yeah. I-I guess.
I mean, my friend kind of forced me into it.
[Baby cooing]
He seems very taken with you.
Uh...
What does he eat?
Uh, plums,
uh, and carrots sometimes.
He likes mushed-up food.
Gross.
What's his name?
Aiden.
Hmm. Aiden.
Braden. Mm?
I'm so sorry. I-I thought you said Aiden.
I did. Aiden Braden.
Uh, his middle name is Braden.
[Sinister music plays]
Stan: Oh, Claire.
[Sighs]
All right.
"Find Gerard Duquette.
And may God help you."
Gerard Duquette.
Gerard Duquette -- 1642 to 1703.
Well, he couldn't be any more dead, could you?
I guess if I want to contact you,
I'm gonna have to have a séance or some shit.
Nothing fruity.
A candle, couple of beers.
All I want to do is use demon eyeballs
to travel back in time and prevent my wife from dying.
That gotta be so goddamn hard?
[Birds chirp]
Stan, guess what?
I forgot to lock the door?
[Breathing heavily]
Why are you reading that?
Oh, I'm not.
Just used it to kill a spider.
That?
It's just one creature
killing another creature with a book.
Hakuna Matata.
Anyway, I wanted to tell you
that I got Denise a job.
I was wondering where she was.
The, uh -- The ice in my lemonade,
it melted about 45 minutes ago,
and now it's just warm lemon water.
So?
So I was looking for Denise to come
and get me some more of it.
You went ahead and got her a job.
Wow. Oh, that's so funny.
I actually thought that you would be proud of her.
[Whistles]
Personal foul. Don't you believe it.
You wanted me to be proud of you
because you got her a job,
but I'm not,
because my lemonade is warm.
Hakuna Matutu.
**
Um...
This is his special toy.
[Box unlatches, rattle jingles]
Make sure he doesn't lose it.
[Sinister music plays]
[Rattle jingles]
Goodbye, Aiden Braden.
**
God forgive me.
That poor girl.
[Rattle jingling] [Aiden Braden giggles]
You like listening to me talk, huh? Oh! Hey!
You're not that bad for a human baby.
Denise!
It's me -- Kevin.
Yeah, I know. I recognize you by your face.
Oh, right, I was --
I was thinking we were on the phone.
Wow.
Is this your baby?
No.
What are you doing?
You're not dating a baby?
Gross! No, I'm babysitting.
Oh, cool!
Can --
[Chuckling] Hey, little guy.
[Sinister music plays]
[Rattle jingling]
Hey, can I...
Can I talk to you alone for a second?
I can't really leave the baby.
Just -- Just for a second.
Years ago, I needed money,
so I volunteered to be a part of this study.
The military was testing the effect of rum drinks on the sleep deprived.
The next thing you know, I'm on a bus to some top-secret --
Hey, Kevin, is this gonna take a long time?
'Cause I got places to go.
No.
The thing is, I was a human guinea pig
in a terrible experiment.
And?
And...
I spent a lot of time around some really bad people,
and I'm telling you there is something very bad
about that baby.
Uh, no.
I used to think he was a dickhead, too,
but he's really okay.
And his mom is paying me $9 an hour,
and that's a lot of money for someone that's never been around babies before.
I'm only telling you this...
because I care about you.
[Grunts]
[Laughing]
What is happening to my body?
I -- Shut your mouth!
[Retches] [Babbling]
[Breathing heavily] I gotta go. Bye.
Okay. [Aiden Braden cries]
[Sinister music plays]
[Crying continues]
[Knocking on door rhythmically]
[Aiden Braden screams]
[Sighs]
[Straining] Oh.
Coming. I'm coming.
[Knocking continues]
Hi, there.
I, uh -- I went ahead and got you some lunch.
Oh.
[Door closes]
[Crying continues]
Two beers?
That's what I had for lunch.
So, uh, this is the baby, huh?
Yeah.
What's he crying about?
I don't know.
He was fine all day. [Sighs]
He's threatened -- feels my power.
[Whistles]
Game on, little man.
Oh, yeah, you feel me. Game on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't point at me.
Kev-o.
What are you doing?
Keeping an eye on Denise.
I beg your pardon?
It's that baby she's watching.
I don't trust it.
Look, most people don't know this,
but I spent six months in a black-ops site
in Alamogordo, New Mexico.
See you later, Kev-o.
[Footsteps depart]
[Sinister music playing]
[Insects chirping]
**
[Glass shatters]
Hello?
[Sinister music plays]
That you, Ollie?
[Growl]
Are you t-tryin' to scare me?
[Laughs awkwardly]
Ollie?
[Rattle jingles]
[Floorboards creak]
[Music, jingling stops]
[Music, jingling resumes]
Hello?
[Growling]
[Music continues]
[Music stops]
[Rattle jingling]
[Dramatic music playing]
[Growl]
No, no!
No, no, no, no, no!
[Growling] [Screams]
[Screaming]
[Growling continues]
[Chewing] Aah!
[Giggling]
**
[Stan whistles]
I found this one out by the train tracks.
Kevin, what happened to you?
[Sobs silently]
[Inhales deeply]
**
Okay, you -- Okay.
You were cr-- Oh, you were crawling in the woods!
Fight club. [Whimpers]
Skunk attack. Hot coffee.
And then you were conducting an orchestra!
You were conducting an orchestra.
Your canoe broke.
Someone had binoculars. [Sobs]
Okay. Do you need to take a minute, or...?
-One. -One.
So, was it skunks?
Okay. All right.
Nice, deep breath.
[Breathes shakily]
How's that? No.
No, no, no, no, no.
The eyes were closer together,
and the -- the cheeks
were -- were much fuller than that.
Okay.
[Sighs]
**
Like this?
That's him.
That's him, Officer.
Really?
[Sobbing] That...
It was that baby -- Aiden Braden.
What's its name?
Shh!
Kevin, you're expecting us
to believe that a baby did this to you?
Yeah.
But we don't.
Kevin...
Did you do this to yourself?
[Scoffs]
Look...
I do a lot of things to myself,
but not this.
Kevin, you're among friends.
Why would I beat myself up?
'Cause you're jealous of that baby
taking all of Denise's time.
Thanks to Evie and that baby,
she's never around anymore.
Hell, I'm home all alone.
Can't find a goddamn thing.
Where'd she put the mustard, you might ask?
In the fridge.
The fridge!
Stan, this isn't about you.
Cold mustard, Barret. That's on you.
[Sighs]
Who knew taking care of a baby would be so much work?
Well, now, remember, honey,
not -- not all babies are difficult.
Some are...
Gosh, some are sweet little, bowls of life-affirming joy.
Oh. Was I like that?
Oh, God, no. You were a nightmare.
Never shut up, and when you cried,
whatever note that was used to make cats throw up.
Hey, Stan. Sorry I'm -- Sorry I'm late.
What are you doing here?
T-Tell her.
I don't know if your dad told you this,
but, um, Kevin is claiming
that Aiden Braden attacked him,
and I think we need to talk about it.
Talk about Kevin?
Yeah, well, we think that Kevin is...
obsessed with you in an unhealthy way.
Honey, honey, now, to be clear,
we're not saying that Kevin is a "bad guy."
He only kicked the shit out of himself
and blamed it on a baby.
Hell, for all we know, he's a true romantic at heart
like that Fatty Arbuckle or that Sid and Nancy.
Okay, stop.
He's not obsessed, all right?
Aiden Braden is a weird baby.
I mean, I tried to take his rattle away,
and he almost ripped my arm out of the socket, okay?
And he hates Kevin. He growls and barks and...
He doesn't even like to eat.
[Sinister music plays]
What, he -- he doesn't eat?
No. His mother just says,
if I hold him, he'll be nourished,
but it's really hard
because his fingernails are really sharp.
-Oh! -Oh!
Aiden did this?!
Aiden Braden. Okay.
Yes, when I try to take his rattle.
Ugh.
**
Ugh, no.
Ooh! This looks promising.
Uh, okay.
Emotional Cluster-Feeding Demon. Ick.
It can take many forms that inspire endearment,
most commonly appears as a human infant.
So it feeds off the affection of its caretaker.
So Aiden Braden is feeding off your affection.
That means it sees Kevin
as like a threat to its food source.
Sounds like your normal asshole baby to me.
My God. We sent Kevin home.
[Gasps]
We got to get to him.
Oh!
Aiden, where are you?
Aiden!
[Suspenseful music playing]
Aiden, D-Denise is coming back today.
She's gonna be your new mommy.
Won't that be nice?
[Music continues]
Aiden?
[Music continues]
Oh, God.
Aiden!
[Door opens] Denise: Kevin!
Hey, Denise, slow down.
Kevin! Be careful!
-Ugh. -Ugh.
Kevin?
[Sighs]
Looks like we're too late.
Yet, somehow, life goes on.
Stan! Guys, he's not back here!
The Ozark Mountain Daredevils.
Let me tell you something about Mike Granda
as your lead-guitar player -- Stan!
Well, don't tell me a baby did all this.
Well, now, Stan, it's a demon baby,
so I'm pretty sure it can do whatever it wants.
All right, so I am, uh...
I'm an evil demon baby.
Where do I go next? [Scoffs]
I got an idea.
What?
I just watched you take that.
I don't care. Denise! [Whistles]
Huh.
The old, abandoned baby gym.
Should have known.
Mr. Tynkle's Playland.
"My Slayland." [Sinister music playing]
Good thing he spelled it with a "Y."
Otherwise, that wouldn't have worked.
Hmm.
[Music continues]
All right.
Stay close.
[Music continues]
Ew.
[Music continues]
God.
[Music continues]
[Gasps]
Ohh!
Binky. Denise: Ugh.
Eugh.
[Music continues]
What do we got?
Ugh.
Easy.
Ohh, God.
This is, like, instant birth control.
Ugh.
All right.
Ohh.
Oh, my God.
They've been swaddled.
[Music continues]
Evie: Kevin!
Kevin?
Kevin!
Kill me.
If it's what you really want.
I-I'm gonna need to use your gun.
What? No.
We got to get him down.
You should know up front,
this isn't your fault,
but if you do choose to live the rest of your life in shame,
no one here will blame you.
[Sobs]
Stan: Yes, Kev, cry.
Be ashamed of yourself.
So...much...mucus.
We're gonna get you out of here.
Here we go.
There we go. [Grunts]
All right.
[Moans] Okay.
[Groans]
Aw.
I told you that baby was trying to kill me.
Well, now -- now, Kevin,
it's, uh -- it's not a baby.
It's a demon.
[Growl]
Whatever it is...
[Sinister music playing] ...it's back.
[Evie breathing heavily]
I'm getting out. [Growling]
-No! -Kevin!
[Kevin screaming]
Uh... Denise: [Whimpering] Kevin?
W-Wait! D-Denise!
Uh, it thinks that Kevin's trying to steal you away from it.
You got to be horrible to it.
Say terrible things, act like you hate it.
Okay. A-Aiden, I hate you! [Hisses]
-Aah! -Hey, kid!
Denise told me you're a shitty baby and a total choad.
[Screeches]
[Screams]
[Thud]
[Gagging]
Shoot it now!
**
[Rattle jingles] Grace?
[Giggles]
Uh, am I just seeing things,
or did that creature just turn into my daughter?
Stan: No, no, it's turning into what we love to gain our affection.
Now she looks like hockey great Gordie Howe.
[Gagging]
That's not Gordie Howe. It's my high-school jug band.
[Blows on jug]
**
[Echoing] Mommy, I want to go home.
[Gagging continues]
Uh, okay, sweetie.
We're gonna do that. Okay?
I just need you right now...
[Gun cocks]
...to hold very, very still.
I love you, Mommy.
Very, very still.
[Gunshot] [Rattle shatters]
[Gurgling]
[Splatter]
Good God. What is it?
It smells like...
bouquet of horse penises.
[Siren wailing] Ugh.
That's Leon.
Kevin, can I ask you something?
Sure.
[Sentimental music plays]
Were you really in a jug band?
You know I was.
Nice.
We were called N-Nice Jugs.
Oh.
Did I ruin it?