♪♪
[Gasps]
[Goat bleats]
Oh.
Hello there.
For a minute, I -- I thought you were me.
Must be losing my noodle.
[Chuckles]
Okay, then.
[Bleats]
[Thudding, squishing]
[Screams]
[Squish]
♪♪
RAY: The beast is coming!
The beast is coming!
Woe unto you, Willard's Mill.
The beast is coming.
He comes for you.
He comes for all of us.
The beast takes many forms.
Yes, the beast approaches,
and his fire will rain down upon us.
Okay. That concludes this morning's beast update.
Move along.
To where?
There is no escape. Not for you. [Laughs]
Tell you what. I'm gonna worry about me.
You're disturbing the peace,
so move it along or I'm gonna give you a fine.
You know, Stan never gave me a fine.
[Laughs]
Well, I'm not Stan.
Jesus. "Stan never gave me a fine.
Stan used to let me hunt without a license.
Stan never used a Breathalyzer."
Do I look like Stan?
You know what? I don't see gender.
I just see authority.
Get out of here.
The sign of the beast.
It predicts his coming.
You really want this ticket.This is bat's eye in amber.
Its pupils dilate when the beast is near.
Got out the pen.
And these are the Sacred Daggers of Mycenae.
Only they can destroy him.
♪♪
I've seen those before.
Really?
Where'd you get these?
Oh, you know, I found some, traded some.
This I got from the Lady Who Knows.
The Lady Who Knows?
It's a gift.
For you.
Thank you?
Can you give me something of yours?
What?
Do you have a whistle?
Uh, yeah, but I need it.
Can I drive your car? No.
What kind of gun is that?
Enjoy the whistle.
[Gasps]
Awesome!
I got a whistle!
[Laughs]
[Whistle blows]No, no.
Please don't blow it.
That's the sound I'm gonna make!
It was just practice, but that's what I'm gonna do!
[Whistle blows]
♪♪
MAN: Trucks love the road,
and the road loves trucks when they're on it.
But when ice comes between them...
What the hell is this?
Oh, good, you're up.
I have a big day planned for us.
What -- what -- what are you watching?
"Danger Haul."
It's a reality show about truckers.
That's not a show.
"I Dream of Jeannie" was a show.
Guy finds a genie and everybody goes apeshit.
Especially that jackass Admiral Bellows.
[Laughs]
Big Roy's got a truck full of chili,
but he's stuck on the ice.
Sure as shooting, in the Army,
they'd give him the black capsule.
The what?Black capsule, cyanide.
The astronauts had 'em too.
You get stuck in orbit or captured by the enemy,
you'd just bite into that thing
and it's see ya soon, you big baboon.
The astronauts had cyanide?
They sure did.
Yeah, they sewed it right into their uniforms
so they could, uh, have a way out of a no-win situation.
Yeah. Everybody has them.
Astronauts, pilots, people down at the bank.
What do you want?
I have a question.
You couldn't call?
You don't answer.
That's a goddamn good system.
Mm. Really?
'Cause 171 falsely accused witches want us dead.
You don't want to keep in some kind of touch?
Psst! I'm retired.
Hmm. And yet they don't seem to care.
Hey, that, uh -- that crazy guy
who's always screaming about the end times?
What's his deal?
Ray Taft?
He's about as sharp as a bag of socks.
Well, how come you never fined him for disturbing the peace?
I fined him one time.
But word to the wise, if you do fine him, you --
you may not like what he uses for money.
Well...
Oh, no.
There you go.
[Loud clattering]
DENISE: [Grunts]
Wha...
[Sighs]
They fell.
♪♪
Hey, uh, what are those?
The salad thingies?
Those are Mom's.
She never let us take 'em down.
Not that we would ever use them.
No salad is that big.
Here. What?
I told you I had big plans for us today.
Holding a bucket?
No. We're going blueberry picking.
Oh, no, we're not.Pops.
Evie, tell him to go blueberry picking with me.
Oh, I think that -- that might be, like,
a thing between you and your dad.
Where's your whistle?
My dad always wore a whistle.
First of all, I'm not your --
Where is your father?
Oh, he did it again.
Whenever I ask him to go blueberry picking,
he always hides. I have half a mind
to just go blueberry picking by myself!
You know, it has been done before.
Just saying.
I think I will.
Huh.
[Chuckles]
♪♪
♪ Berries, don't be blue
♪ I won't leave you hanging, no, I'll pick you ♪
♪ Fill my bucket with your tasty goo ♪
♪ Doo boo be doo
[Humming]
[Twig snaps]
[Bleats]
Hello there.
So I said, "Fine. I'll go blueberry picking alone."
[Chuckles] But I'm not alone! I met you!
You're awfully quiet. Do you live out here?
[Gasps] Do you want to see where I live?
[Bleats]
I want my dad to meet you.
I want him to see what a real
blueberry-picking partner looks like.
He used to be sheriff of this town.
But ever since he's retired, he's just become impossible.
[Bleats]
Come on, goat.
[Bleats]
How much money do you need to actually get here from Russia?
Hey. No.
Mika, I don't want to talk to your brother.
Every time I talk to your brother,
it's a different guy.
Yes, I'll hold.
Raymond Taft.
Oh, whatever you do, don't fine him,
unless you want a bag of human sh--
Does he live anywhere?
I think he squats in a shack down by the lake.
Yeah. Yeah, Mika.
Da.
[Speaks Russian]
Okay.
"Green cargo container."
♪♪
[Bird cawing]
Uh...
Hello --
Ugh! Hello?
[Clears throat]
♪♪
Good God.
Ugh.
Oh, Jesus.
Raymond Taft?
I'm, um, sorry?
Raymond Taft?
Oh, yeah. [Laughs]
Of course.
It's been so long since I heard my own name,
I almost forgot.
Huh.
What do you want?
I need to speak with you about these.
[Bird caws]
Oh, my God.
Where did you find those?
Claire Miller's house.
Uh, she was the Lady Who Knows.
But she passed away, and, uh,
I really need to speak with you.
MAN: But you did take the hamster
from the store without paying for it.
DENISE: Dad? You home?
Yeah.
Quite a haul, huh?
Oh, sweetheart. Did you go picking berries?
Denise, honey, you've got to tell me
next time you're gonna go pick berries.
You understand there's nothing more in the world
I want to do than go pick berries with you.
But I thought that...
Anyways, I met a friend.
A friend?
Yeah.
I brought him home for you to meet.
He's waiting on the porch.
On the porch?
A kid today with the manners to wait out on the porch?
He can't be a Millennial.
They're the problem. You know, too much praise.
Nobody ever told 'em they suck, and believe you me,
kids need to know they suck.
Let's go have a --
Let's go have a meet and greet with this mystery guest.
♪♪
Did I suck?
Hello, young --
[Laughs evilly]
Jesus!
[High-pitched ringing, wind howling]
Denise!
Is this who you went picking berries with?
No! He seemed like a cute little goat!
Oh, don't they all!
Oh!
What's happening?
Sweetheart, we're under siege,
like Michael Caine in "Zulu."
Here's what I want you to do.
Get low and check all the windows.
I'll go get the back door.
Hmm. We're gonna need the black capsules.
I can feel it in my bones.
I'm sorry, I did not -- I didn't have time to clean.
Uh...
Here?
Yeah. [Clears throat]
Sorry. Oh, no, no, no.
It's, uh -- it's real nice. Real homey.
Thank you.
I would, you know,
get rid of that raccoon before it gives birth.
[Raccoon chitters]So the Lady Who Knows is gone.
Yeah, yeah. She, um -- she passed away.
What -- what did you know about her?
She hunted demons.
I used to live in the park,
and I've seen all sorts of things --
haints, Gorgons, poltergeists.
You want some?
I'm good.
This whole town's haunted.
It's 'cause of the witch burnings.
Of course, they weren't really witches.
Yeah, I've heard that, uh, that story.
Why are they haunting us? I mean, what do they want?
I think they want all the constables dead.
And they got them all, too, except for Sheriff Miller.
That's 'cause the Lady Who Knows was protecting him.
But now she's gone and you two are still alive,
for now.
How do I stop it?
[Sighs]
What do you think I scream about every morning?
That's the thing. You know,
sometimes I feel like people aren't even listening.
Could you try not screaming?
I don't know.
That doesn't seem natural.
Okay.
[Clears throat]
This town is evil.
I'm sorry. I've really got to let it rip.
Okay. All right. Let's have it.
It was Eccles!
Thaddeus Eccles cursed this town!
Does that work for you?
Great. Thaddeus Eccles,
that godless son of a whore!
♪♪
He ain't really doing nothing.
He's just kind of standing there.
Dad, I swear when I met him,
he was just a cute little goat.
Let that be a lesson to you there, missy.
W-W-What do you mean, like a lesson in goats or --
or a more symbolic lesson in first impressions?
You're the one who didn't want me to keep a gun in the house.
Would a gun help in this situation?
Well, we might need to use it on ourselves.
We -- we don't have any of the black capsules.
Black capsules are your answer for everything.
Eh...
Aah![Gun cocks]
Huh?
DENISE: Dad.
What's happening?
Dad, are you okay?
[High-pitched ringing]
Dad?
[Stan groaning]
Aaaaah!
No false god can save you.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
Okay.
Who or what is the beast?
Of course. Um...the Baphomet,
the harbinger of the dark veil.
He is a trickster.
Uh-huh. Very deceitful.
Okay, okay, and then, uh -- these, uh, "daggers."
That's gonna kill him, right?
Yeah.
But I must warn you,
he is everywhere.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
[Insects chirping]
Dad?
Oh, hi, hon.
Wait a minute.
Are you you?
Yep. [Groans]
Oh, my God.
How, uh -- how long was I out?
I don't know.
A few minutes.
Like, microwave popcorn amount of time.
Yeah?
Well, if I was only out a few minutes,
how come it's already dark out?
It -- it isn't even 4:00 yet.
[Laughing] Oh.
It's his doing.
He made it nighttime just over our house?
Oh, that's weird.
He's still out there, and we're stuck in here.
This ain't "Zulu."
No, no, no, no, no.
This is "Jaws."
We're trapped in here
while he goes around and around and around.
Yeah, this is "Jaws," and I'm Brody.
I want to be Brody.
You can't be Brody. You're Hooper.
I don't want to be Hooper. I want to be Quint.
You can't be Quint. Quint dies. Come on.Fine, fine.
Then I'll be -- I'll be --
What's the name of that girl in "King Kong"?
This isn't "King Kong."
It's "Jaws."
Now, this is all your mother's fault.
Mark my word.
Hmm. Thanks, Claire.
Thanks a million.
EVIE: Well, thank you so much.
I really appreciate it.
Oh, no, no, no, no. You can't go. You can't go.
I have so much more to tell you.
Okay, I-I-I think I get it
and I need to warn my friends, so...
Oh. Of course. Yeah.
[Grunts]
[High-pitched ringing]
Ray?
[Grunts]
Give me one moment.
Thank you.
I'm just gonna let myself out.
[High-pitched ringing]Oh!
I'm sorry.
[Laughs evilly]I'm really sorry.
Very sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
[Coughs] Sorry.
[Laughing]
Sorry.
♪♪
If this is "Jaws," why don't we just blow it up?
Oh, that's not "Jaws." That's "Star Wars."
It's also "Jaws." In fact, it's everything.
Everybody blows up everything in everything.
It's why people go to the movies.
"Jaws" had an air tank.
Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We have a hose.
Well...wait a minute.
♪♪
[Gasps]
[Coughing]
[Coughs]
Great.
♪♪
Bingo, baby.
♪♪
Huh.
Stop!
Out of the car, please.
I've got to commandeer your vehicle.
Stan never commandeered my car.
Get out!
"Oh, Stan never commandeered my car."
Stan this, Stan that.
I can't standit!
Huh, that's... actually funny.
[Insects chirping]
♪♪
[Goat bleats]
[Goat bleats, clang]
Oh!
[Bleating]
Here. Have this.
[Bleating]
[Gun cocks]
Smile, you son of a bitch.
[Bullet ricochets]
Oh, shit.
[Roars]
[Tires screech]
Master.
Master, behold.
♪♪
[Tires screech]
♪♪
Freeze!
Evie, you remember "Jaws"?
Which part?
Come on, figure it out!
Smile, you son of a --
I already said that.Well, I want to say it, too.
[Grunts]
Smile, you son of a...
[Cans clatter]
[Laughs evilly]Mother...
Nice shot, Annie Oakley.
♪♪
Smile, you stupid man!
Aaaaah!
[Groans]
[Splatter]
I told you I was Brody!
Damn it.
[Laughs]
Hey!
Good work, team.
[Exhales]
For Christ's sake.
Next time, just ask.
[Chuckles]
I keep getting the feeling we're forgetting something.
No. No, I don't think so.
Hmm.
♪♪
[Groans]
[Spits]
I feel awful.
♪♪
[Squish]