Woman: [Screaming]
Minerva: Breathe! Breathe!I can't breathe!
Push!
Push! Push!
[Screaming]
Breathe. You need to breathe. Breathe!
Push!
[Screaming, grunting]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Minerva, What is it?!Something's wrong!
What is it, Minerva?!
Something's wrong.[Chittering]
[Laughing]
[Snarling]
[Laughing]
Aah!
[Laughing]
[Screaming]
[Laughing]
[Screaming]
[Laughing]
[Screaming]
♪♪
Man on radio #1: Right, but the barn burner award, hands down,
has to go to Syracuse/Wisconsin.
Did you see that game?Oh, yeah.
Man #2: No, no. I didn't see any games this week.
Well, what do you mean you didn't see any games?
There we go.
Well, Brenda moved out.
What?
Can we just talk about sports?
[Siren wails]Oh, great.
Let's talk about all the points scored in this sports game.
Wonder Woman. For the love of God.
[Brakes squeal]
[Engine shuts off]
[Birds chirping]
[Sighs]
Talk about amateur hour.
What do you want?
You ran a stop sign.
Giving you a ticket.
No, you're not.
They never gave the guy who was the sheriff before me a ticket.
Yeah, that's 'cause he, uh, died while he was still sheriff,
just like every other sheriff of Willard's Mill.
Except you. What are you doing?
What's it look like I'm doing?
I'm...
[Whispering] I'm sugaring my coffee.
What? Why didn't you do that back at the doughnut shop?
Are you insane? I was the sheriff.
I can't -- I can't let people know I take my coffee sweet.
They might think I'ma little sweet if you...
If you know what I'm saying.
It's gay to sweeten coffee?
Look, do you think John Wayne took sugar? I don't.
I think he took it black and acidy, like drinking a battery.
A-And for the record, instead of picking on me,
you ought to be focused on the obvious criminals out here.
Huh?
[Mysterious music plays]
They're not doing anything illegal, Stan.
You were.
Yeah, look at them, all dressed up in black.
They're the new kind of hippie
that dresses up like the Munsters.
Relax, Stan. They're goth kids, 'kay?
They come from all over New England
because of the witch trials.
It's like Burning Man,
except...you know... they were burning women.
For real.
Good times.
[Sighs]
All righty. Would you like to see a magic trick?
It'll -- It'll make you smarter.
Alakazee, alakazam.
Stan don't give a damn.
That's not a magic trick.
Yeah, you're getting smarter already.
[Sips]
Think I got her hair in my coffee.
[Hinges creak]
Here's the birthing suite.
We are now on hallowed ground.
It was here in this very room that Minerva Garret,
the most famous witch in Willard's Mill history,
drew her last breath! [Gasps]
Praise goddess.
I can feel her presence.
And this weekend we will absorb her power
and give birth to dark arts' most wicked.
Most wicked.
Hey, uh, speaking of dark arts,
I got to share a trick with the toilet.
Show me your toilet.
[Thump]
There you go.
Really, Stan?
$64.99 in pennies.
And it's all there.
What's going on?
I gave Stan a ticket.
You can't do that!
That's what I said.
Evie, Stan's the former sheriff.
I mean, first his wife dies, then you steal his job,
and now you start treating him like a criminal?
Exactly.
The hell are you reading? Put that away.
Hey. I didn't steal his job.
He resigned! And I was appointed!
Which gives me the power to write tickets for $65,
not $64.99.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're only getting $64.99.
What are you gonna do, take me to court for a penny?
[Scoffs]
I dare ya.
Just so you know, I was gonna call you and say,
"Hey, why don't we forget about the ticket?"
You know? But not now, buddy!
You owe me that cent, and I willsee you in court!
I'll die first.
[Gasps] Perfect.
What?
The blood of a virgin.
We can use it in our ceremony.
How do we know she's a virgin?
♪ Step on a crack, gonna break your mother's back ♪
Okay.
♪ The ants go marching one by one ♪
♪ Hurrah, hurrah
Excuse us.The --
You want to go to a party?
Okay.
Will there be cake?
[Eerie music plays]
[Exhales sharply]
Oh, boy, this is a great party.
I am Craig, bringer of the dark veil.
Minerva Garret, I beseech you.
Pierce this mortal veil with your magic.
With this knife, I will release my blood
to free your life force.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow.
[Wind rushing]
[Electricity crackling]
What is that?
Wait. Is this supposed to be happening?
Oh, my God.
Oh...my..God.
Craig! Knock it off!
God.
Craig?
[ Chuckling ] O.M.G.
[Laughs] Yes.
[Laughs] Awesome!
This was like the best magic show
I have ever been to in my entire life!
And that includes the one
with the tigers and the two orange men.
They have pizzazz.
[Electricity crackling]
Keanu: Craig!
Hey! Knock it off!
Hey!
[Bones crack]
[Screams]
♪♪
$64.99. Unbelievable.
Hey. Are you the sheriff?
Have you kids been in an accident?
I think my boyfriend murdered someone.
He's not your boyfriend.Yes, he is.
No, he's not.Yes, he is.
Hey. Who are you talking about?
Craig Wood, leader of our coven.
Our coven.
We are witches, and we formed a coven to unite our power.
Uh, it evolved.
At first, we were really just into roller coasters.
We've done every roller coaster on the eastern seaboard.
Sky Devil. Daddy's Belt. Doctor and Mrs. Hurricane.
Okay, focus.
Why are you in Willard's Mill?
Minerva Garret.
She died almost 100 years ago
in what's now the bed-and-breakfast.
That's where we're staying.
That's where the murder was.
She was a witch. Like a realwitch.
We'rereal witches.
No, we're not.
What is this?
Water.
Okay, uh, so this coven leader, Craig,
um, who did he murder?
A local virgin. Denise...something.
Miller. Denise Miller.
[Tense music plays]
Denise Miller?
Um...
You guys stay right here.
I need to, uh -- I need to make a call.
24 across. "Lawyer."
It begins with an "A."
"Asshole."
Hi, sweetie.
You been out all night?
Hi, Dad.
[Laughs]
Uh-oh.
Nothing says trouble like a woman laughin'
when shit ain't funny.
[Screams]
Oh, shit.
[Growling]
[Snarling]
[Thud, axe rattles]
[Telephone ringing]
[Snarling]
[Telephone ringing]
Yeah.
Hey, uh, Stan. Is Denise with you?
[Growls]
Yes and no.
[Exhales deeply]
[Suspenseful music plays]
Craig?
[Deep voice] Who's Craig?
Okay, uh, hey, sit tight, all right?
[Screaming]
[Thud]
[Gasps]
Stabbed...
by a gun.
Charlene?
[Groans]
I, uh -- I could make you something to eat?
Hell, we have Fritos and relish.
[Growls]
Hello?
Yeah, we're in here.
Hey.
Oh, boy. Yeah.
[Deep voice] Hello, constable.
Who are you?
Where is Denise Miller?!
The daughter of the constable
will return to the land of the living
once all the constables
enter the land of the dead.
Oh. That's you.
Are you Minerva Garret?
[Laughs evilly]
[Cackling]
[Laughs evilly]
[Cackling]
Let me, uh -- Let me cut to the chase for you here.
[Snarling softly]
Have you ever been hit with a bag of oranges?
Huh?
Stay tuned.
Are you sure that...?
Hey. [Growls]
Hey!
[Growls]
No. Hey, hey!
Did someone possess that, uh, boy, t-this Craig kid?
The constable.
The constable or the witch?
The constable isthe witch.
No, he burned the...
Constable Eccles?
Is the witch, the only witch.
He burnt the innocent souls to add to his coven.
Here, uh --
Here's how this is gonna work.
[Snarls, growls]
[Snarling wildly]
[Barks]
[Snarling]
Evie: Can I get a time-out real quick?
[Barks][Snarling]
I need to talk to you.
[Growling]
[Barking]
Can I -- Can I talk to you for a second now?
Sure.
[Snarls]
[Insects chirping]
[Snarls]
Where we going?
Bed-and-breakfast.
Oh, good. Keeping it weird.
Super.
[Growls]
[Gun cocks]
Don't move!
Ah! What happened to you?
I-I thought -- I don't want you to know what I thought.
W-Where did you go?
Craig showed up and attacked Keanu.
I ran.
What are you doing?
I'm leaving.
He's possessed by Minerva Garret.
He killed Keanu, and he's gonna kill me next.
And it's all my fault.
I never should have messed with a witch.
Minerva was not a witch, okay?
The man who killed her was.
Constable Eccles was the only witch in Willard's Mill.
He's the one who possessed your friend.
My boyfriend.
God, I just -- I don't have a dog in that fight.
♪ La la la la la la la
♪ La la la
♪ La la la la la la [Growls softly]
♪ La la la
♪ La la la la la la
♪ La la la, la
[Growls softly]
♪ La la la la la la la
♪ La la la
What are these?
They're masks we wear when we summon spirits.
Minerva Garret.
Do you think you could still summon her?
Yes, I do.
All right, gather those up.
Where are we going?
The scene of the crime.
The original crime.
Bu--
Constable Eccle's crime.
Let's go.
[Siren wails]
[Music plays]
♪ La la la
We'll be right back.
I'll, uh -- I'll leave the radio on for you, okay?
[Growls]
Yeah. My thoughts exactly.
♪ La la la la la la
♪ La la la [Growls]
♪ La la la la la la
♪ La la la
♪ La la la la la la ♪
♪ La la la
♪ La la la la la la
♪ La la la
[Grunts]
♪ La la la la la la
This takes me back.
I don't think I've been out here
since I was almost burned alive at the stake.
The dirty secret of Willard's Mill.
No wonder it's hidden.
I wouldn't mind being buried back here.
It's nice and quiet,
a place you don't got those jerks coming up
every weekend with their snot-nosed kids
getting their snot-nosed shit all over the flower arrangements
and popping balloons
and doing all this shit that -- What's this?
In our ceremony, we wear masks.
Oh, no, I'm not -- I'm not a voodoo guy.
Just dance around the fire.
Well, if I'm not a voodoo guy,
I'm damn sure not gonna dance around no fire.
Stan.
Please?
Just dance in a circle as hard as you can.
[Breathes deeply]
Minerva Garret, I beseech you.
Pierce this mortal veil with your magic.
With this knife,
I release my blood to free your life force.
[Clapping]
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
[Gasps]
Evie: Charlene?
Evie: Are you okay?
[Thud]
Evie!
[Grunts]
Minerva: Constable Eccles.
Minerva Garret.
You betray your master.
I have no master.
I will see your coven destroyed.
These innocent souls will be relea--
My coven grows larger every day.
This boy, his friend...
and now this girl.
Harm these children no further.
Oh, my dear Minerva.
I would never harm these children.
It's much more fun to make them harm each other.
Craig!
Who's Craig?
[Thud]
He was her boyfriend.
She's free now.
Everybody okay?
[Exhales deeply]
[Groans]
Good thing I took that guy out.
[Chuckles]
♪ Mm-mmm-mmm-mmm
♪ Mm-mmm-mmm-mmm What?
Evie: [Sighs]
♪ Mm-mmm-mmm-mmm
Hi!
Hey, kiddo. Nice to have you back.
Why am I tied up in the back of the squad car?
You want to tell her? I'm, uh -- I'm beat.
Uh, can it wait?
I just cut her boyfriend's corpse's head off.
Actually, he's not my boyfriend.
Charlene!
For Christ's sake.
The hell is going on? ♪ Ba ba ba ba ba-da
♪ Ba ba ba ba ba-da
♪ Ba ba ba ba ba-da [Engine turns over]
Sweetie, just listen to the radio
and enjoy the ride, will you?
But there's something you're not telling me.
♪ Ooh, ooh
I don't think so.
♪ Oooh, ooh, ooh