[Birds chirping]
♪♪
[Tires screech]
[Evie coughs]
[Groans]
Sta-Stan?
[Groans]
Oh, geez.
Stan.
♪♪
Look, I'm, uh... I'm sorry about this,
but, uh... you understand.
♪♪
[Birds chirping]
[ "Spanish Flea"plays]
[Thud]
Oh, my God.
[Sighs]
[Brakes squeal]
[Engine shuts off, music stops]
[Groans]
[Sighs]
Terrific.
♪♪
[Dialing]
[Scoffs]
[Cellphone rings]
[Cellphone beeps]Y'ello?
Yeah, hey, uh, Leon, I need you to come get me.
I, uh -- I blew a tire.
I'm on county road 8. I think I'm just past the, uh --
Well, the --
The thing is I-I can't get over there right now.
I'm on a stakeout.
Oh, God. Is this that woman again?
I'm -- I'm not at liberty --
Okay, Leon, listen to me -- Hiding in the bushes
outside the house of a woman that you went out with,
what, twice in high school does not constitute a stakeout!
Oh! Shh! Here she comes![Child yells in distance]
[Cellphone beeps]
Ohh!
So, it's threekids now.
That's your move.
[Chuckles]
And the dance continues.
Narrator: We now return to "Rattlers! Nature's Death Machine."
Since the dawn of time, man has wondered,
"What if my penis lived alone in the woods
and was poisonous?"
Amen, brother.[Telephone rings]
Jell-O.
[Cheerfully] Hey, Stan! Hey, you busy?
Evie, please don't do that with your voice.
If you want something, just go ahead and ask for it.
[Normal voice] Okay, look -- I-I blew a tire, and...
[Clears throat]
...for some reason, I don't have a spare.
That's 'cause I don't believe in them.
They're a sign of weakness.
In any case, make sure and hit me back
as soon as you get your situation all squared away.
No!
[Stammers] Please stay on.
Don't hang up.
[Scraping]
[Denise grunting]
Keep your pants on for a second.
[Denise grunting]
[Grunts]
What, uh...
What is all this?
I am starting my own business.
I am gonna clean people's teeth right out of this house.
Don't, uh -- Don't you need to go to school
for something like that?
Yeah, you do if you want to be a dentist.
But I'm just gonna brush people's teeth really hard.
[Denise grunts]Evie, sit tight.
I'll be right there.
Oh, my G-- Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Uh, y-you will be back in your chair within an hour.
I swear.
Oh, no, no. Think nothing of it.
There's -- There's no rush when you're helping a friend.
In fact, I may be very well be out of the house all day.
Th-There are some times when I just want to get in the car
and drive and drive and drive
until everything I've done in my life is rendered meaningless.
And when I do step out of the vehicle,
I'm a -- I'm a new man.
Did y-- Did you ever feel that way?
[Birds chirping]
[Sighs]
Thank you, seriously.
I owe you.
Yeah.
What the hell?![Tires screech]
[Gasps][ "Spanish Flea"plays]
Okay.
[Thud]
What the...?
What?
[Sighs]
♪♪
[Car door closes]
[Sighs]
♪♪
[Dialing]
[Ringing]
[Cellphone rings]
[Cellphone beeps]Y'ello?
Yeah, uh, h-hey, Leon, uh -- I need you to come get me.
Well, I can't get over there right now.
I-I'm on a stakeout.Stakeout.
Yeah.
Thanks anyway.
[Cellphone beeps]
Narrator: ...the woods and was poisonous?"
Amen, brother.[Telephone rings]
Jell-O.
Hey, Stan!
Listen, I-I blew a tire and, uh, you know, no spare.
[Scraping][Grunting]
I'll be right there.
[Stan grunts]
What's with you?
[Sighs]
Didn't this...
already happen?
What, me doing you favors and you saying weird shit?
Yeah, that -- That seems vaguely familiar, yeah.
No, seriously, Stan, I--
You know what? Slow down.
Why, what are you gonna do, give me a speeding ticket?
I'm not even speeding.
Seriously, Stan, just slow down.
You know -- [Stammers] Stop the car, stop the car!
[Tires screech]
Oh, what the hell?
♪♪
You all right?
Okay.
You're gonna be okay.
We can help you, okay?
♪♪
I'm the sheriff.
Just tell me --
[Gasps][ "Spanish Flea"plays]
[Thud]
♪♪
Jell-O.
Hey, Stan, I don't have time to explain.
I need you to come get me.
[Scraping][Grunts]
I'll be right there.
♪♪
Stop the car!
[Tires screech]
Oh, what the hell?!
Don't move!
What the hell are you doing?
It's Wendy from "Peter Pan," for Christ's sake.
She got the nightgown, the big eyes, the --
She got the whole thing.
Who are you,
and why did you kill me last time,
and why was there a last time and a time before that?!
What the hell is going on?
He -- He did not send you?
Who?
He is the one doing this.
He won't let me go.
[Horn honks]Evie, can we please wrap this up?
I'm talking!Let's go!
You are Evie?
I'm afraid he wants you, too.
Who wants me?
[Twig snaps, crow caws]
[Growls] [Screams]
[Screaming]
Come on! Ah.
[Screaming continues]
I should have stayed home and watched my snake show.
♪♪
Hello? Ms. Livingston?
Yes. My name is Denise Miller.
I'm calling with a very special offer
from White Power Tooth Cleaning.
N-No, no. It's...
No, it's -- It's White PowerTooth Cleaning,
not White Power tooth clea--
No, that is a very terrible name.
♪♪
[Woman screams in distance]
Oh, for Christ sake -- Look at this.
Evie -- a can of Schlitz beer.
They don't even make this stuff anymore.
It's probably worth something.
Well, that's a museum piece right the--
Oh, I'm swimming in butter today.
We got another one.
It's gonna be a challenge, but we can --
We can drink it. Ooh!
That's what I've been looking for.
Winne-- Oh! It's got bees in it.
Well, you know, bees traditionally love Schlitz,
but you know what to do to bees. You collapse the can.
[Growling]
♪♪
[ "Spanish Flea"plays]
[Scoffs]
Okay. Let's try this again.
[Thud]
♪♪
[Tires screech]
[Growls] [Screams]
Come on!
Should have stayed home.
♪♪
[Woman screams in distance]
♪♪
[Growls]
[Grunts]
[Body thuds]
Jesus, Evie.
Say, uh, Evie, can I ask you a personal question?
Exactly when would you like to talk about
that crazy chick you just killed?
Stan, look at that.
♪♪
What in the hell does thatsay?
Aah! Oh, my God!
Man: It's all for the best.
[Gasps]
He was just slowin' you down.
Who are you?
I see you found my stick.
I hated parting with it, but clearly, you needed it.
It's gonna make it easier to deal with them.
Wait, you -- you left this for me?
Oh, those two don't fight fair.
As it is...
we both stuck here.
[Dialing]
Hello! Mrs. Modig?
Yes. We're taking a survey.
Would you rather have your teeth whitened
by "Mighty Whities," "Fun N' Gums,"
or "Good Times in Your Mouth"?
What?
Go...what myself?
The time loop --
I mean, surely, you notice it by now.
I mean, somethin's supposed to happen today,
but it ain't gonna happen if you die.
Well --
Ain't gonna happen if that gal from the forest dies, either,
'cause if any one of you dies --
I mean, we startin' all over again.
W-W-What is supposed to happen?
Well, you supposed to destroy Constable Eccles.
I'm supposed to kill a guy who's been dead for 400 years?
Well, if you continue down this path here,
you're gonna find him very much alive.
Now, it ain't gonna be as simple as a big stick to the head,
I'll tell you that right now.
[Dialing]
Oh, hello. Yes.
Is this the office of the Klu...Klux --
Oh, my God. Never mind. So--
[Groaning]
Terrible. Whew.
Now, the secret cemetery,
hmm, the one with the 172 witches buried in it?
I know it.
Yeah, well, what you don't know is there's 173graves there.
And the last one...
it belongs to Eccles.
Although the nameplate on it says, "Avner."
It's his way of hiding in plain sight.
Now, you must dig up the grave and take out his eyes.
T-Take o--
[Laughs]
Wow.
Sorry, it's, uh -- Just when I thought
things couldn't get any weirder, you know...
The eyes of the grave have seen his death.
And when they look into the soul,
then he will meet his true end,
and the time will close once and for all.
And...
and my friend -- He'll be okay?
To save him,
you're gonna have to go back to the beginning.
How?
I don't know.
Although you could kill yourself.
Great.
Oh, don't worry, gal.
You in luck!
[Screeching]
[ "Spanish Flea"plays]
God damn it!
[Thud]
Narrator: The baby rattler emerges from its leathery egg,
seeking maternal comfort and murder.
Been there, done that. [Sighs]
[Telephone rings]
Yeah?
Hey, Stan, um, listen --
I don't -- I don't have time to explain,
but, uh, I need a big favor.
No, today's not a very good day.Denise: Oh, crap!
[Grunts]
It's no problem. I can leave immediately.
Kevin: Hey there, Sheriff.
Kevin.
Want to see a dead body?
Little cemetery humor.
I'm looking for a grave marked "Avner."
You know about that?
Know about what?
Well, the -- the town ledger
has 172 people burned for witchcraft buried here
and, you know, over there.
But there's 173graves,
and "Avner" is the one name not in the ledger.
Where is it?
Say, Kev, those are fabulous.
[Chuckles] Come on.
[Sighs]
There it is -- Avner.
Well, uh...
...whatever happens from here on out
is none of my business.
Yeah, you, uh -- You go ahead and get us started,
and I, uh -- I'll be back in a jiff.
[Groans]
[Grunts]
[Groans]
That's the thing about Hendrix is he only made three albums,
and "Band of Gypsys" was live.
Now, Bootsy Collins...
[Shovel thuds]
I think we're here.
Now, you see what happens when we work together?
You didn't --
I did all the diggin'.
Now, don't be conceited, Kevo. It's not flattering.
Now, see if you can hump that thing up.
I'm gonna go find a place to throw this out.
I'm all about the environment.
[Sighs]
[Shovel clangs]
[Coffin creaking]
[Grunts]
[Sighs]
Outstanding effort, Kevo.
Outstanding.
[Sighs]
All right.
Let's open it up.
[Both grunting]
Ooh.
I have one last favor there, little buddy.
Reach in there and pinch out those eyeballs for me.
Here we go.
Here yougo.
Did you get the eyes?
I, uh -- I went ahead and brought you the whole head.
I figured you'd want to take the eyes out yourself.
Gee, thanks.
[Car door closes]
Now I'mthe asshole? Give me a break.
All right, any second now,
we should see, like, a-a crazy-looking girl
run out into the road.
[Scoffs] What else is new?
You know, when I was a wee tot --
Just when we see her,
I need you to take her home, okay?
And do what with her, give her a job?
Can she fix things? She good with tools?
S-Slam on your brakes.
Why? Slam on your brakes!
I don't see any-- Hey! You--
[Tires screech]For the love of God!
[Crashing, glass shatters]
♪♪
[Groans]
[Breathing heavily]
♪♪
[Thud]
Jell-O.
♪♪
[Grunting]
Take that.
Ah, bring it to the car.
[Tires screech]
♪♪
Okay, little nightgown girl --
Why don't you go ahead
and drop that knife you got tucked in there, huh?
Drop it, drop it.
Let it go.[Knife clangs]
Perfect, perfect.
You follow directions very well, Wendy.
You're a lot more dangerous than you look.
Watch your head. There you go.
Speaking of heads...
[Engine starts]
And we're good.
Heading off with the head,
asked for the eyes.
♪♪
[Growling]
So, uh...
You from around here?
What would you say you do for fun?
Praying. You pray.
Boy, that's fun.
That's a goddamn barrel of monkeys.
My friend Steve -- He prayed a lot.
Steve's dead -- horrible tragedy.
Taken away too young, like all the great ones.
Janis, Jim Morrison.
Oh.
Mark Smith from a county over.
He's a stone mason.
[Birds chirping]
♪♪
Evie!
Did you bring the eyes?
Well...
brought the head.
It comes with eyes.
This way.
♪♪
Uh...
♪♪
Man: Evie.
Evie.
[Laughs maniacally]
Ah.
Thank you for the eyes.
[Laughs]
No, no, no, no.
Go slow.
[Evie grunts]
See, you got a nasty bump, there.
Where am I?
Relax, dear.
All is as it should be.
[Grunts]
I got my eyes now.
♪♪
I was able to close the time loop.
Youreyes?
[Irish accent] And my dear daughter --
Constance is her name, by the way.
She's in your time now,
safe from those who would use her to destroy me.
What do you mean, "My time"?
And with her there and you here...
...I thought you might like to see
what happened to Constance's mother.
[Groans]
No! [Wind howls]
Evelyn Barret...
as Constable of Willard's Mill Township,
I, Thaddeus Eccles, accuse you of the crime of witchcraft.
[Indistinct shouting]
No.
No!
Narrator: We now return to "Rattlers! Nature's Death Machine."
Since the dawn of time, man has wondered,
"What if my penis lived alone in the woods
and was poisonous?"
[TV turns off]
Mm.
♪♪
Something ain't right.