- [woman] Ah, come on. No. - [rattling]
No. No. [sighs]
- It's got to be... - [♪ Soft Cell: "Tainted Love"]
- What is that? - ♪ Tainted love ♪
- ♪ Now I know I've got to... - No.
Where are the...? [sighs] Damn it.
Why can't anything ever be where it's supposed to be
when I need to...
- Did you see it there? - I did not.
I was digging through this bag for ten minutes,
and you just sat there?
I thought you were looking for a pen.
Why would I be looking for a pen?
Because you often look for a pen...
There's a pen right there on the table. Two pens.
- ...when a thought occurs to you. - You're the one taking notes.
Not everything that happens to you is somebody else's fault.
Okay. Should I write that down with one of the two pens?
- Do you remember... - Yes, I remember where I was.
[groans] I should shave my head.
She'd just love that.
I always remember where I was.
I can keep several complex thoughts in my head at one time.
That's why NASA keeps begging me to move to Florida.
[sighs]
Four o'clock in the morning, the phone rings
because that's when she finishes her work.
Doesn't matter that the rest of us have
to be in a lab at 8:00 a.m.
I mean, she's just so...
And everything has to be... Plus, there's the whole...
- Finish the thought. - What?
You're supposed to be working on finishing your thoughts.
- I am finishing my thoughts. - Well, in your head, yes, but out loud...
[groans] I'm tired of being criticized by you.
By her. It's not my fault
that everyone in the world is slower than I am.
They always were.
The only person I could ever talk to was Grandpa.
That's it. Are you staying over there?
I thought we were doing the couch today.
You said we were working on proximity issues.
Sure. Sorry.
You're the one who set the agenda.
I just wanted some Klonopin.
I'm all settled. Good?
- I don't want bangs. - You don't have to get bangs.
Who calls people at 4:00 in the morning?
Huh? I'm working on my PhD. That's important, too.
I mean, does the woman not know
that Reno and Boston aren't in same time zone?
- What are you writing? - You wouldn't understand.
Well, make me understand.
Molecular kinetic sequencing?
That's what you'd like me to make you understand?
I thought you were writing about your mother.
Not everything in the world revolves around...
[breathes deeply]
I am trying to figure out how to use DNA mutations
to change the very trajectory of disease and rearrange it
so we can control the very basic process in which we...
Wait.
Okay, I did it.
You did? Are you sure?
- Want to check my work? - No.
I believe you.
My God, Esther, that's amazing.
I mean, what you've done, right here in my office,
that's a monumental achievement.
Oh, yeah?
Well, tell it to my mother!
[phone ringing]
[snoring]
[grunting]
How the fuck was I ever convinced to use a top sheet?!
God. [grunts]
- Susie somebody's office. - [Rose] Susie.
Oh, good. I thought you weren't there.
- Who is this? - It's Rose.
Miriam is very ill.
What? No.
No, no, no. She doesn't get it till the 14th.
- I got it marked on the calendar. - It's not that.
She came home very late last night, practically frozen.
What the fuck was she doing out in a blizzard?
I was hoping you could tell me.
Well, she's your daughter. You live with her.
She's your client, and she's never home.
I'm not the one who was supposed to teach her about snow.
That one's squarely on you.
Well, whosever fault it is, she got home a block of ice.
Her coat was wool, so it shrank on her,
and we had to borrow garden shears from the super
to cut it off her.
We threw her in a hot shower and put her into bed.
The doctor came. She's got hypothermia.
- Jesus. - She's so agitated.
She can't sleep. She just lies there, babbling.
So we need you to come over and interpret for us.
You speak Miriam's language
and are familiar with all that showbiz patois.
- Uh, okay, yeah, I'll be right over. - Good.
Now, when you get here, be careful not to mention toes.
There's a chance she may lose one or two of them.
She's gonna lose her toes?
We're hoping just the left middle one.
She'll still be able to walk somewhat normally,
and fitting into narrow shoes
will actually be easier without it.
So, lemonade.
- We'll see you soon? - Yeah. Bye.
Hello? I'm here.
- Susie? - Yeah.
That door was locked. How did you get in?
- I still have my key. - Why?
- [door closes] - I don't know. It's on my key necklace.
I just forgot to take it off.
Oh, thank God you're here.
- Let herself right in. - How is she?
She's still talking nonsense.
She kept the key. It's now a necklace.
So what?
Hey. Miriam. Update. Please.
No improvement. She's practically speaking in tongues.
There's a lot of random words, strange sounds.
She could be speaking bebop.
On the way here, I remembered she went to Carnegie Hall
last night to see Lenny's show.
Well, at least we're finally getting some information here.
Carnegie Hall.
So, she didn't just lose her mind
and wander out into the snow because it's pretty.
That was my first theory.
Abe, my God. Your shirt.
It's how it came back from the cleaners.
Well, put on another shirt. We have a crisis here.
They all came back like this!
Look, I'm gonna go see what I can find out.
About the shirt?
Because that's not important right now.
- [knocking] - [Susie] Miriam.
It's me, Susie.
[Midge] Gone, gone.
What's gone?
The window.
- The window's gone? - Open.
The window's gone open?
It's closing. A door. It's closing.
Nothing's closing.
Cheese and crackers.
Tony Bennett.
What about him?
I slept with him.
You slept with Tony Bennett?
When the fuck did you meet Tony Bennett?
- He went to bat. - Who?
Get my hat.
Are you trying to rhyme?
Mm.
Miriam?
- So, apparently, she had sex with Tony Bennett. - [Rose] What?
And she wants some cheese and crackers.
I brought her a perfectly good manchego.
- She wouldn't eat it. - How does she know Tony Bennett?
Did she mention a hat?
When doesn't she mention a hat?
And there was something about a window and a door.
And these are not helping, by the way.
I thought they might calm her down.
[sniffs] Ugh, Zelda, what smells like donkey balls?
Special Polish fish head soup.
It wards off evil spirits. Makes your hair shiny, too.
Okay. Well, when you are done
driving down the neighbors' property values,
make some coffee, strong coffee.
This is gonna take a while.
- [Susie] Miriam. - [Midge] Mm.
Miriam, try to focus.
- What happened last night? - [breathes deeply]
It was cold. Blizzard.
Yes, blizzards are cold.
Walking, walking.
So, you're walking in the cold.
- Frost crotch. - What?
I got frost crotch.
Frost crotch? Is that a thing?
My toes. I'm gonna lose my toes.
You know, there's been a lot of toe talk,
but, frankly, frost crotch should've been the headline.
I'm sure your toes are perfect...
Holy shit. Oh.
- Are they bad? - No. [chuckles]
[groans] You put your head between your knees
to keep from passing out, right?
- Susie, tell me. - Jesus.
What the hell does your crotch look like?
[music playing on TV]
- Oh, good. - [Susie sighs]
Susie?
[Abe] Susie? Did you find out anything?
[Rose] Should we get the doctor back?
[Abe] Uh, his house call rates are astronomical,
- so if we can avoid that... - I saw the toe.
I told you about the toe.
No. No, Rose, you did not tell me about that toe.
You told me about a cute little frozen toe,
pink and white like a cherub.
You did not at all prepare me for the horror show
I just witnessed back there.
You're overreacting.
It's black.
Her toe is black, Rose.
That's not overreacting. That thing is a goner.
It's like she was in a war, an old one.
Never mind.
Okay. I'm going back in.
You know, I can't unsee that toe now, Rose.
You understand that?
I may never fucking close my eyes again.
You feeling a little better?
Yeah, you maybe want to get up? Move around a little?
Hey, your kids are watching TV. Don't you want to see your kids?
The kids can go fuck themselves.
[music playing on TV]
She just said, "The kids can go fuck themselves."
- What? - No, they certainly cannot.
Such terrible talk.
I have to tell you, I don't really know how to proceed here.
- You know what would help? - [Susie] What?
If you gave that key back.
Well, it certainly couldn't hurt.
[Midge] [whispers] Susie.
Mm?
- Susie. - What?
You're up. How are you feeling?
Okay, I guess.
Hey, did I say my kids can go fuck themselves?
If it makes you feel any better,
I don't think the little one heard you.
Oh, good.
So, you want to tell me what happened last night?
Uh... not much.
I-I was at Carnegie Hall, there was a blizzard.
I couldn't find a cab, so I just started walking.
Hey, hey, you think you can get the Bennett gig back?
Oh, I think that's gone.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
But maybe their second choice didn't get back to them yet.
Their second choice is ironing his show pants as we speak.
Me and my stupid manifesto.
"Make me a headliner. No opening act for anybody."
What an idiotic thing to say.
It wasn't all idiotic.
The part about being able to say what you want to say,
that was smart.
Maybe I don't have what it takes.
Maybe I'm not as tough as I thought I was.
I mean, look at me,
eight inches of snow, I've become my mother.
I'm in bed, popping pills, candles everywhere.
Bet I got crystals under my pillow.
Yep, got crystals under my pillow.
Three of 'em.
- [cries] - No, no, no, no.
Come on, think of something happy, think of shoes.
[crying] My toe. I'm gonna lose a toe.
Okay, don't think of shoes. No shoes.
Think of hats. You like hats.
My hat. I loved that hat.
Listen to me, tomorrow this will all be
a funny bit you can use in your act.
[sniffles] I'm so sorry, Susie.
God, I'm so stupid.
We had a plan, then I went rogue.
I-I tried to do it all myself.
I shouldn't have done that.
You are the one person who understands me.
You're the person who got me here, got me anywhere.
I promise I will never stop trusting
the most important person in my life ever again.
- Six months. - [Rose] What?
I got to break her in six months.
She's got that face.
Harry warned me about that face.
He told me his biggest regret was not knowing
what that face meant till it was too late.
They got that face, they're about to give up.
She's not giving up. We've come too far.
- And Mike's the key. - Who's Mike?
I got to go.
Okay. Just one more thing...
I'm not giving you the fucking key, Abe.
[audience laughing]
So, Thanksgiving's coming up in a few days.
- [cheering] - What?
Tomorrow? Really?
- Why am I still in town? - [laughter]
Yes, Thanksgiving, folks, a day of food and family.
A day you sit at a table and look from your father-in-law,
who still hopes his daughter will come to her senses...
- [laughter] - ...to your mother-in-law,
who still hopes her daughter will come to her senses,
to your wife, who still hopes that she'll come to her senses.
[laughter]
Your wife came to her senses, didn't she, George?
Quite a few of them, actually.
- [laughter] - [Gordon] Yes. Always marry a smart woman.
- Sooner or later, she'll leave you. - [laughter]
You know, one of my favorite Thanksgiving traditions
is to sit in my living room and watch the overinflated
- cartoonish figures of my youth float on... - [mouths]
...by outside without saying a word.
- [mouths] - Then when Grandma and Grandpa
are ready to come on inside, we watch that
- little thing that Macy's puts on. - [mouthing]
[audience laughing]
Yeah, I love the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Although it really does let you know
your pecking order in show business.
I mean, the Gordon Ford Show has
the greatest studio audience in the business,
- and I do really mean that. - [cheering]
But, folks, I'm sorry,
your enthusiasm just pales in comparison
to any group of kids
when a 12-foot-tall Mighty Mouse floats overhead.
It's like Elvis with a tail to those kids.
[laughter]
Another tradition I love about Thanksgiving is
sitting around the table and Grandma, of course,
will remind you that this could be her last.
And then we say, "Grandma, we know, we know,
but we're all eating Aunt Rosie's stuffing,
- and none of us are complaining about it." - [laughter]
Folks, we got a great show for you tonight. Stick around.
[cheering]
- I am not trespassing. - Oh, no?
I am a tourist, visiting this city
for the very first time,
and I took a wrong turn.
I was looking for the Brooklyn Botanic Garden.
Classic mix-up.
Look, I'm a manager. Big, big talent person.
What's your name, Willie? Get ready, Willie.
You and I are gonna become best friends.
- You are gonna speak at my wedding. - I hate weddings.
Elevator's your final destination.
NYPD must be kicking themselves for turning you down, huh?
[woman] Hedy, no!
[Hedy] And I said, "That is not an ashtray.
That is a 19th century French barbotine vase."
[laughter]
Oh, you just have to laugh.
Otherwise, the stupidity of people will make you cry.
[chatter fades]
[indistinct chatter]
[elevator bell dings]
[orchestral music playing over TV]
[Shirley] Zelda, it smells like it's boiling.
- [Zelda] It's not boiling. - [Shirley] It's supposed to simmer.
- It's simmering. - Do you know the difference?
- I know the difference. - Boiling is rapid bubbles.
Simmer is slow bubbles.
[Midge] She knows simmering, Shirley.
Salt, Zelda, salt.
What is this, currency back in your country?
Use your fist.
[speaks Polish] Pushy old broad.
- [speaks Yiddish] Cheap goy. - Fight fair, you two.
- Well, my flowers arrived and they're all dead. - What?
They must have gotten my order mixed up with someone else's.
- What do we do? - I guess we won't have flowers.
We can't not have flowers, Miriam, it's Thanksgiving.
All anyone cares about at Thanksgiving is the flowers.
I'll figure it out.
[singsongy] He smells the turkey.
He sniffed the air, I swear he sniffed it.
Rose, look at him sniff.
Astrid, I have scissors here.
If you say something, he'll turn and look right at you.
- [Chaim fussing] - Try it, Midge. Here, here. Say something.
Uh, did you know the day after Thanksgiving is
- the busiest day for plumbers? - [squeals] Oh, look! He turned!
- Oh, Shirley, he turned! - Astrid.
This is a stove.
Never wave a baby over a stove
unless you're trying to potty train him.
Get the baby out. Get the baby out.
- I'll take the baby, Miss Astrid. - [laughing]
- [oven dings] - He's just so aware.
And awake, you know, like, he's always awake.
You know, never sleeps.
Wait, Shirley, did you just say you potty train a baby
by dangling them over a stove?
It warms their tush,
that reminds them of what their tush is for.
I got Joely trained in an hour and a half.
How often do you all cry?
Where am I?
Aren't you next to Mom?
Oh, actually, I moved some of the cards around.
I thought it'd be nice to have the little ones
at the grown-up table so that Chaim doesn't feel weird.
So, Rose, you're there. Noah, there.
Moishe, Shirley there, there.
Abe, Midge, and Joel, I moved you to the kids' table.
- But I'm a grown-up. - I'll go to the kids' table, Pop.
Oh, no, but it's Chaim's first Thanksgiving.
You can't abandon him.
[giggles] Daddy's just being silly.
- Don't be scared. - Sorry, Pop.
He's asleep. He won't care.
I think he will.
Yes, but you aren't a great thinker.
[Midge] Papa, come sit with us.
[Abe groans]
I brought some extra salt
in case the food is under-seasoned.
Joel, I'd like that seat.
Why?
Because I am head of the family.
- I should sit at the head of the table. - The kids' table?
How important is winning this particular battle to you?
[Shirley] Oh, boy, who killed the flowers?
[Rose] They came that way.
And you paid for that?
I could have put out dead flowers for free.
- Hey, watch it. - Sorry.
I would like to propose a toast.
- [Moishe] What? From there? - Yes, from here.
A toast should come from the grown-ups' table.
- But... - I'll do the toast.
[singsongy] Oh, you're in luck, Chaim.
Once a year, we gather together...
- Ah! Did you see him point at you? - Did he point?
- Right at you. - Do it again.
- Point at Daddy. - Point at Daddy.
[Astrid] Point at Daddy.
To pointing! Let's eat.
[overlapping agreements]
Noah, did I tell you about the trip I won?
Really?
- From her bank. - What?
You won the trip from your bank!
I don't know what you said way over there,
but I won a trip from my bank to Palm Beach.
The manager called, out of the blue, to thank me
for my loyalty and then offered me a trip.
- Fun. - What?
- Fun! - Whatever.
Anyhow, we're going this weekend.
And the best part is, our daughter has refused
to bring our grandchildren to the airport to see us off.
Very disappointing.
I'm working that day.
- Wait, how come you can hear him? - What?
We have a little announcement to make ourselves.
We were saving it for the proper time.
Shirley, you want to tell 'em?
No, you go ahead, Moishie.
Shirley and I are getting divorced.
Stuffing needs salt.
Wait, what?
No. Why?
We just realized we're not right for each other.
Now? Now you realized?
Once Moishe almost died, I assumed he'd retire.
He been talking about retiring for years.
I did, but once you're close to death,
you realize how short life is.
And I thought, I haven't done half the things
I set out to do in my business, so I decided to expand.
And now we're kaput.
How's the turkey? Need salt?
Oh, the turkey's delicious, Shirley.
It's Thanksgiving.
We're all sitting down to dinner,
and you just dump this on us?
Relax, Joel, everything's fine. We're fine.
We're still sharing the home for now. Nothing's changed.
Yeah, we just put a piece of plexiglass
down the center of the bed so we don't touch butts,
but you can still see if the other person is
choking in their sleep.
So there's still love.
Guys, can't you two work this out?
Really?
You're the one asking that question?
Little Miss "One strike and your husband's out"?
Don't talk to Midge that way.
You and Ma have to work this out.
Not gonna happen, Joely.
We tried. We talked.
And then Moishe said something to me
that I never thought I would ever hear my husband say,
and he can't unsay it.
And in response Shirley said something to me
I never thought another human being,
let alone my wife of 34 years, would say to me,
and she can't unsay it.
- Well, I'm on Mom's side here. - What? Why?
Why? You had a heart attack, of course you should retire.
Well, thank you for your loyalty to the gender.
Very nice.
Hey, since we're all sharing big life news,
you have something to tell the people, don't you, Joel?
- Really, Pop? - An announcement.
Something you've been sitting on way too long.
What announcement?
Well, uh...
This wasn't exactly when I was going to tell you, but...
Watch it!
- Ethan, switch with Daddy. - Okay.
[Joel] Can't believe I have to... Okay, so,
as my newly single father just said,
I do have some news.
It's about me and my girlfriend.
- [Abe] Hey, watch it. - Esther, kids' table. Move.
- [Esther] Okay. - [Midge] Sorry. Go ahead.
We are gonna get married.
- Oh, my God! - [gasping]
- Congratulations. - Oh, my God. Yes.
And we're gonna have a baby.
- Uh, mazel! - What? Oh, my God!
W-Well, who is this girl, thi-this fiancée?
- You know her. - I do?
- You met her. - When?
- You played mah-jongg with her. - Where?
- At the hospital? - What hospital?
The hospital when Pop had his heart attack.
- Oh. Did I win? - Yes. You met her,
you love her, we're getting married.
A grandchild. Rose, did you hear?
How dare you keep this from me?
He kept it from you, not me!
You want me to be miserable, but I won't.
I'll have a daughter-in-law and a grandchild,
and you will drop dead
in a pile of the men's spring collection.
[Moishe] What a thing to say on a holiday.
[overlapping chatter]
Enjoy the Zen beauty and relative anonymity
of this table as long as you can.
[overlapping arguing]
[Ethan] I'm starving.
Impossible.
I think you ate the entire turkey by yourself.
- Ha, you ate the turkey by yourself. - [Ethan] Did not.
- Wânshàng hâo, Mrs. Chou. - [Esther] Wânshàng hâo, Mrs. Chou.
Watch out, watch out.
Put that bag in the kitchen, Ethan.
A lady already lives here.
What?
Uh, kids do me a favor,
can you go in Daddy's bedroom for a minute?
- [Ethan] Take my hand. - [Esther] No!
- [Ethan] I'm supposed to show you. - I know where it is.
Why didn't you tell me you were coming back today?
I missed you.
I didn't know about the kids.
That you had them. Today, I mean.
It's okay.
[kids talking indistinctly]
[Mei clears throat]
You want something to eat?
I have a whole Thanksgiving meal in the kitchen.
I'm moving to Chicago.
Easing into a conversation's
really not your strong suit, is it?
Sorry. How was your Thanks...
- Moment's passed, Mei. - Right. Sorry.
- Sit down. - No.
- You won't sit down? - No.
I just need to stand here and say what I came to say.
I think my residency is gonna wind up in Chicago.
I like the hospital and the people.
Uh-huh. Well, I don't know if you noticed,
but I don't live in Chicago,
and I can't really move right now.
- I know. - There's no hospital
in the entire Northeast that could work?
- No. - You've looked?
- No. - Should you?
Because we're having a baby.
No.
No?
We're not...
...anymore.
What happened?
Are you all right? Why didn't you call me?
I would have been on the next train to...
Nothing happened. I just...
[sighs]
We're...
...just not having a baby anymore.
I don't understand.
Oh, shit. I understand.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna sit down.
All my life I've had one goal.
You knew I never intended to have
a serious relationship with anyone,
and this thing with you was...
[Ethan] Daddy! Esther's pointing at me again!
- I'll be there in a minute! - Daddy, she won't stop!
In a minute, Ethan! Goddamn it!
Shit. Sorry, Ethan!
- I know you're upset. - I don't understand.
If you were gonna do this, why the hell did you tell me
you were pregnant in the first place?
I mean, since I don't matter in the equation.
- That's not true. - Can Jews be monks?
'Cause my fucking relationship track record...
I know I should have thought it through better.
But I didn't, because you are...
You're you.
I never saw you coming.
You should be an optometrist, then.
Might help with that eyesight.
Don't be sarcastic, please.
Okay. Don't be upset, don't be sarcastic,
- don't give a shit. - I didn't say that. I just...
I can't have it all, Joel.
The world doesn't work that way.
If I'm really gonna be a doctor, then I just have to be a doctor.
Please understand.
I really need you to understand.
Okay.
Okay, fuck it. Fine. I understand.
I do. You're gonna be a terrific doctor.
- Thank you. - You got all your stuff?
You must've left some things here.
Oh, just this sweater.
[scoffs] One sweater.
Boy, I'm really not very observant, am I?
Girl leaves nothing but a sweater,
- that's a pretty big fucking sign. - Please, Joel, I...
I got the kids, Mei.
I really do wish you luck.
[Mei sighs]
I'll send you my new address.
Sure. Send the address.
- Bye, Joel. - Bye.
[indistinct chatter on TV]
[Esther] You're a turkey leg.
[Ethan] You're a turkey leg.
You're two turkey legs.
[Esther] Turkey leg, turkey leg, turkey leg.
Esther, you keep pointing that finger at Ethan,
- he's gonna eat it. - [Esther laughs mockingly]
- [bell dings] - ♪ Hit the road Jack, and don't you come back no more... ♪
Excuse me, Miss? Uh, this turkey is very dry.
That's food that someone brought from home.
I can't help you.
Uh, excuse me, Miss? More Chianti?
That's wine that someone brought from home.
Jesus Christ.
I'll be leading the whole room in saying grace.
You got to say grace at Thanksgiving, so be ready.
- I don't know grace. - I do. Great ass.
- [laughter] - He got you.
Get it all out now. You got two minutes.
Susie, be in charge of this section.
We all say grace together in just over two minutes.
Sounds fun.
I just don't know if I'm ready to tour.
It's not a tour. It's a two-week stint at the Hacienda.
The audience comes to you.
- Sounds intimidating. - It's not.
You do the show, then you go back to your room.
I got you a really nice suite, with maid service.
You ever have maid service? A girl cleans your room,
makes your bed. Hell, it's Vegas,
- she'll probably give you a tug if you ask for it. - A what?
I even got you a first-class plane ticket.
Plane ticket? I can't fly.
No, the plane flies, you just sit in it.
I can't go on a plane. They make no sense.
I mean, what keeps them up?
I don't know, what keeps a bird up?
- Worries about money? - Was that a joke?
You set me up, but I'm not flying.
Oh, yes, you are. You'll be fine.
You're coming, too, right?
Me? Are you kidding? I'm not getting on a fucking plane.
Ow! Shit.
I think I just fucked up my tooth.
Which one of you losers brought these rolls?
[Fred] I did. Made 'em myself. You like?
- No. They're hard as rocks. - Oh, that's on purpose.
It's an old family recipe. We call 'em Hard Rock Rolls.
Well, that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
You know, you're supposed to soak 'em in hot water
for ten minutes before biting into 'em.
Did you not know that?
No, I did not know that.
Everyone, an announcement!
The Stage Deli is not responsible
for Grandma's sawdust turkey, Grandpa's lumpy potatoes,
Aunt Betty's sour cranberry sauce,
or the raisins in the goddamn carrot cake.
So stop asking.
- You're dismissed, Fred. - Okay. Enjoy your evening.
- Hey, Verla, can we get some more hot water for these rolls? - No!
Wow, looks like there's already plenty of food.
- Hi, Alfie. - Are you limping?
Yeah, I almost lost a toe.
Hey, look at my tooth, does it look weird?
You have spinach in it, or something.
- Oh! It's moving. - [groans]
It's the goddamn Hard Rock Rolls.
Fred's rolls? You're supposed to soak 'em first.
Never mind all that. Listen.
I kissed Bobby's ass, and I finally got you
a slot at that club on 15th, next Thursday.
- Great. I'm ready. - [muffled] And Boise called.
I can't understand you with your finger in your mouth.
Boise called.
They paid off the right cops so the Wolford's reopening.
They still want you, if you're into that.
If you're okay with it, I am. I've got clean stuff,
dirty stuff, I need a place to stay sharp.
Okay, everyone, there will be no group grace
due to an utter lack of interest in doing it
and an endless string of jokes about
- what to do with the turkey neck. - [laughter]
So, enjoy your food, happy Thanksgiving.
- I'm not flying. - Yes, you are.
- I am ready to go, too. - I'm not flying.
Yes, you are. I got a lot of irons in the fire.
- I'm not flying. - Yes, you are.
Ugh, I am gonna kill you, Fred.
[♪ Peggy Lee: "The Tree"]
♪ We're gonna get a Christmas tree ♪
♪ One for you and one for me ♪
♪ Great big, tall, and white as snow ♪
♪ Tra-la-la, away we go ♪
- ♪ We'll buy ♪ - ♪ We'll buy ♪
- ♪ A tree ♪ - ♪ A tree ♪
♪ A great big Christmas tree ♪
♪ And trim it up with shining lights ♪
♪ For everyone to see ♪
- Let's go. - ♪ And then we'll hang ♪
- ♪ A wreath upon the door... - [laughing]
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
♪ Like we've never wished before ♪
♪ And then we'll sing, all brimming up...
[kid] Ah! I hate you!
One, two...
[laughing, yelling]
I tricked you! Whoa!
[laughing]
♪ For everyone to see ♪
Hiya, Mike.
- What are you doing here? - I'm looking for a tree.
- Did you follow me here? - I just thought we could talk.
- You thought... - [man] [over P.A.] Cocoa with marshmallows, now available...
I'm here with my kids.
They're running around here somewhere.
I'm sorry, you forced my hand.
I... what?
I wanted to talk to you at the studio...
[groans] but suddenly I can't get through security.
You can't get through security 'cause I gave them your picture
and said, "Under no circumstances
- do you let this person in." - Well, was it flattering?
The photo? Backlit, little shoulder action?
- I'm holding a saw. - I have to talk to you.
- Yeah. - I want you to give my girl
Miriam Maisel another look-see.
Just come and see her do her thing, you will not regret it.
Oh, I already offered to see her do her thing, remember?
You flipped out, cursed me, and stomped off
to the enchanted bog you slithered out of.
- Well, let's set something up again. - No.
I don't offer again.
I will not see your girl.
Fine, you don't have to see her.
Send someone from the office.
Uh, one of your women writers.
We don't have any women writers.
Oh, so Gordon Ford's just one big cock parade, huh?
- [groans] - What's going on with your mouth?
It's my tooth. Don't worry about it.
- Want me to saw it out of your head? - No, thanks.
Go away.
Hey, I am being nice here.
I'm sorry, what?
I came all the way up here to make it convenient for you,
and now you're brushing me off?
Where's a pack of wolves when you need one?
Hey, who brought you Sophie Lennon, huh?
I did, and that interview worked.
It was huge. It single-handedly drove your ratings up.
And you're strutting around that studio,
taking all the credit.
I did that for you, Mikey.
You know something?
There is one thing that I look forward to all year long,
one thing that brings me pure happiness, and it's this.
Christmas tree hunting with my kids.
We do it every year, and it's a fucking joy!
Now you are going to stay! Right there!
And I'm gonna go buy cider for my kids
and forget that you ever happened.
Oh, I already bought them some cider.
- Wanted to keep 'em occupied. - [sighs]
You know, it's weird, none of 'em really look like you.
I'm giving this place your picture next year.
- [♪ Rosemary Clooney: "Suzy Snowflake"] - ♪ Here comes Suzy Snowflake ♪
♪ Dressed in a snow-white gown ♪
♪ Tap, tap, tappin' at your windowpane...
Did you promise to take my kids to a movie?
Maybe.
Spartacus?
- Was it Spartacus? - Maybe.
The three-hour movie with all the crucifixions?
That was the movie you thought would be great
for three kids under ten to see?
I thought they'd like the horses.
So you've ruined Christmas
and crucifixions for me.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- [door opens] - And because of you,
I picked the worst tree on the lot.
You got in my head and you blew my focus.
- Mike, I just... - You will never set foot in 30 Rock again.
Do you understand?
You won't even be allowed to stand in front of 30 Rock.
You're gonna make it to 20 Rock,
and then you're gonna have to turn right.
You even won't be allowed to walk down 5th Avenue.
You won't be able to stand in front of Saks,
because it is across the street from 30 Rock on 5th Avenue.
If you want to go to Saks,
you're gonna have to enter from the 49th Street side.
- I don't go to Saks. - In fact, stay out of Midtown.
You're not allowed in Midtown.
My office is in Midtown.
Move your office,
and that goes for your girl, too.
She doesn't have an office.
She will never set foot
in that building either.
And I'm betting that she does go to Saks,
so that 49th Street entrance is going to fucking kill her.
It is miles away from the fucking elevators.
Hey, kids, isn't that Santa Claus over there?
- Where? Where? - Where's Santa Claus?
Oops, made a mistake.
I don't think that that was Santa after all.
[chanting] Spartacus! Spartacus!
Spartacus! Spartacus! Spartacus!
Spartacus! Spartacus!
There is no fucking Santa Claus!
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[Susie] Oh, there's a... ow.
There's a ticket to Vegas, and it... ow.
There's a ticket to Vegas
and it needs to be picked up! Ow.
- So how's your tooth? - Shut up.
You know I can't understand you, right?
I got to get the stupid
magician... ow, ow!
Fuck me.
You have to go to a dentist.
I have to get this asshole...
[groans] on a plane!
[Alfie] I'm not going.
Yes, you are. Ow.
[Alfie] No. I'm not going.
- I'm not going. I'm not going... - You are going. Ow!
You are going, if I have to tie you
- to a fucking... ow. - I'm not going.
I'm gonna kill myself.
Susie, this is ridiculous.
I am calling my dentist right now.
You are heading right over.
But Alfie...
[Alfie] Alfie is not going!
I will take Alfie to the airport.
- You will? - [Alfie] Will what?
Yes.
Okay, but you can't just drop him off curbside.
You got to see him walk on the plane.
And don't let him go to the bathroom
'cause he will climb out a window or flush himself
- down the toilet. He's slippery. - I promise.
I am calling the dentist.
Bye.
[♪ Dinah Washington: "Relax Max"]
[indistinct chatter]
♪ Relax, Max ♪
♪ Your nerves are just like jumping jacks, Max ♪
♪ Your heart is thumping...
Okay, out of the car.
No. I'm not going.
- Okay. - I mean it.
I know you do.
I don't think you're listening to me.
Of course I am.
♪ Stay cool, fool ♪
♪ Just take it easy, that's the rule, fool ♪
♪ The evening hasn't even started yet ♪
♪ So, my pet ♪
♪ Control yourself, control yourself ♪
♪ Don't get upset...
Why are all these people leaving?
Is there gonna be some sort of invasion
that I don't know about?
No gate number yet. Let's sit.
♪ That moon up above ♪
♪ I want your kiss just as you...
I can just walk out of here, you know. You can't stop me.
I have your cape, and I'm not giving it back
until you step onto that plane.
You know, you're being very silly. Flying is fun.
They bring you drinks and food...
Oh, good. A last meal.
[indistinct P.A. announcements]
Here. It's from Susie.
It's used.
It's from Ethan.
[indistinct chatter]
So, I got a phone call the other day,
which was surprising, since I didn't know I had a phone.
It was from a man...
a talent manager.
And what did he want?
He said he'd seen one of my shows.
He said he thought I was very talented
and that I could be bigger than Houdini, which is ridiculous.
I'm already bigger than Houdini.
Houdini was a very tiny man.
That's why he fit so easily in a box.
Did you tell him you already have a manager?
I did.
He said he knew Susie Myerson
and that she was an elevator operator.
A what?
Someone you meet going up or going down.
He said if you want to be on top,
you have to get off the elevator.
At the top, presumably.
Alfie, do you know why you're getting on this plane?
Because you stole my cape.
Because you are about to play a 2,000-seat room in Vegas.
You have top billing,
amazing accommodations, and you are making
more money than you've ever seen in your life.
That's not true. I slept in a safe once.
Six months ago, you were hustling drunks in a bar.
You were done.
No one cared what happened to you.
No one except Susie Myerson.
I know that.
It's easy to see a diamond
once it's in the window at Tiffany's.
It's a little harder when it's throwing up
in a bucket in your office.
Susie is one of a kind.
You'll never find another Susie.
You just remember that.
[indistinct P.A. announcements]
[man] Yeah, so that's Gate 4, right?
Hi there. This is Alfie Zielinski.
He's on the 2:45 to Las Vegas.
All right, wonderful.
It's his first time on a plane,
and he's a little nervous.
I see that noted here.
Don't you worry, we'll take good care of him.
Hello, Alfie, welcome to TWA.
We're going to be great friends.
Hey!
It's a little sign that tells everyone who you are.
I won't have to explain a thing.
Call Susie when you land. Have a great run.
And remember what we talked about, hmm?
[woman] [over P.A.] Welcome to the TWA Flight Center.
Alfie, wait!
I have your cape.
Oh, I got it back an hour ago.
- Right down this way. - Come on, honey, hurry! Don't lock the gate!
[Rose] Miriam?
[indistinct P.A. announcements]
What are you doing here?
Oh, hi. I'm doing
a last-minute favor for Susie. There was an emergency.
Oh, so for Susie she could come out here.
For her parents, bubkes.
I'll admit it doesn't look good, Miriam.
Susie has a client who's going to Vegas.
She needed someone to see him off.
I have yet to hear anything remotely
resembling an emergency.
- Her tooth hurt. - Should we give you a moment
to come up with a better story?
Why aren't you on a plane right now?
They canceled our flight.
No, Rose. They did not cancel our flight.
The flight is happening.
- They canceled us. - What are you talking about?
They couldn't find our reservations, and nothing else
was available, so now we're going home.
We'll be there when you're done with your very important favor
for the friend with a sore tooth
who did not put you through Bryn Mawr.
Hey, why don't we share a cab home?
- No. - Hmm?
We came alone, we'll go home alone.
Much like birth and death.
Okay. I'll wave to you as I drive alongside
all the way back home.
You know, we seem to be experiencing
a streak of very bad luck.
I don't know about that.
The dry cleaning, the dead flowers at Thanksgiving,
I had two flat tires this week.
Now suddenly our plane reservations.
What is it? What's the matter?
Rose?
Nothing. Let's just go home.
All right.
Let's beat Miriam to the taxis.
[Rose] Yes, I know
the flight was canceled.
What I'm just trying to figure out is how it happened.
Was the woman who canceled by any chance Italian,
very intimidating?
Or was it an Irish woman with a very thick Irish accent?
You know, [Irish accent] "That's a lovely hat by the way."
[regular voice] Yes, that's an Irish accent.
I'm not an impressionist, forgive me.
[Abe] Rose! I got a taxi! Let's go!
One minute! Well, could you hear anything
in the background then, like screams, perhaps?
Hacksaws or bones breaking?
[Abe] Rose! Come on!
I'm not joking.
[Abe] Rose Weissman, I'm leaving without you!
I have to go. My husband's having a fit.
Abe, for God's sake!
[Abe] We lost the cab.
There'll be another cab.
[Abe] Like there was another flight?!
[♪ "Till There Was You"]
[flight attendant] Now arriving at Gate 10, Flight 192
from Los Angeles.
Now arriving at Gate 10,
Flight 192 from Los Angeles.
[sighs]
[chuckles]
- Hello. - Hello.
First time traveling?
And carrying things, yes.
Can I, uh...?
Rothstein, Myers, Friedman and Yabromowitz.
Your rabbis?
My lawyers.
Ah.
Well, you don't want to lose this.
No.
They charge by the word.
- Mm. - Double for the bad ones.
So, you're taking a trip?
I am West Coast bound, yes.
- Really? - Yes.
Gonna see what an L.A. holding cell is like.
I hear 72 and sunny.
No humidity.
How have you been?
Good. Really good.
Good.
Are you off somewhere?
No. I just forced a very nervous magician
to get on a plane by holding his cape hostage.
I did that last week.
The bastard left rabbits all over my apartment.
Mm.
So, how long are you gonna be out west?
Don't know.
I've got some gigs lined up.
I rented a house.
Wow.
You're a man with a lease.
It happens to the best of us.
Well... I...
think you'll really enjoy L.A.
With all the... sun and...
oranges and Disneyland.
- All the things you love. - Oh, I'm sure I'll find
a cloud or two to hide under.
My kid's gonna come stay with me for a while.
Lucky girl.
Yes.
Well, I should probably go
find a plane heading west.
I'm sorry I didn't call.
Oh, no. We don't do that, right?
Okay.
You take care.
Lenny!
I'm not gonna blow it.
I'm gonna hold you to that.
[woman] [over P.A.] This is the final boarding call
for Flight 191 to Los Angeles...
[continues indistinctly]
This is the final boarding call for Flight 191 to Los Angeles...
[continues indistinctly]
[sighs]
- [indistinct chatter] - Excuse me. Sorry.
- ♪ Got me the strangest woman ♪ - [♪ "Big Ten Inch Record"]
♪ Believe me, this chick's no cinch ♪
♪ But I really get her going ♪
♪ When I take out my big ten-inch ♪
♪ Record of the band that plays the blues ♪
♪ The band that plays the blues ♪
♪ She just loves my big ten-inch ♪
♪ Record of her favorite blues ♪
♪ Last night I tried to tease her...
It's a $1.50 cover
with a two-drink minimum.
- Any sign of Joel? - Nothing.
And he locked the cash up in his desk.
I'm using my mad money to make change.
Here you go. Enjoy the show.
Oh! Finally!
Archibald! My faithful companion.
Okay, so Archibald is not my name.
Sure, it is. Archibald, short for Archie.
No. Archie would be short for Archibald.
Like I said, Archibald, my faithful companion!
Hey, we should get some horses.
- Uh... - Get some boots and chaps.
Ride out into the sunset.
- Catch us some varmints. - Yes.
Something to consider. Not the chaps,
but the rest we can talk about. Hey, where have you been?
I just stopped off at a bar.
You own a bar. Why are you stopping off at a bar?
- Variety is the spice of life. - [lighter flicking]
Allow me, pal.
How are you tonight, beautiful?
Thank you.
Absolutely. So what do you think of the place?
I'm the owner, so, any problems, you just come to me.
Excuse me, we were having a conversation.
In here? No.
You want to talk, you go to a quiet restaurant.
Take a walk on the beach.
You come here to drink, dance,
to get close enough to smell her perfume.
- Hey! - Joel!
There's a terrible martini olive problem
that needs your immediate attention.
The place falls apart without me.
I'll be right back.
No, he won't. No, he won't.
♪ Record of her favorite blues ♪
- ♪ You know, I... - [Joel] Okay, okay! Hello!
Ladies and gentle... Hey, stop playing.
Jesus.
You see a man is up here trying to talk?
Fucking musicians.
Hello, everyone.
My name is Joel Maisel, the owner of the Button Club.
- [whooping] - [cheering]
You know, the great thing about owning a club is that
all the things that made you look like a loser
- before are now part of your job. - [laughing]
For example, right now I'm not drunk,
I am doing research.
And I am a very hard worker.
[laughing]
Hey, I got a laugh.
See? We don't need this shitty band.
[man] No way, pal.
I used to want to do this for a living. Comedy?
Oh, yes. But, turns out,
my ex-wife is the one who had the talent for comedy.
- [whooping] - [cheering]
Ah, you know her. Yes. She is very funny.
First time I saw her onstage,
she spent ten minutes talking about my jockey shorts.
[laughing]
That's ten minutes more than she ever
spent washing my jockey shorts.
- [laughing] - And I will admit, as a man
it was a little hard listening to your wife
talk about you onstage.
But now that I'm up here,
I'm thinking turnabout is fair play.
Right?
- [cheering] - [clamoring]
Okay, well...
[clears throat]
My wife has great tits.
Really stellar. Right, Archie?
Never seen 'em. Wouldn't know.
He's shy. His wife has good tits, too.
Not like mine, though.
My wife has Olympic gold medal tits.
Who else's wife has great tits?
[man 1] All right, buddy, that's enough!
[man 2] Come on, get off the stage.
[Joel] Raise your hand there, man.
Your wife's look pretty good.
Unless that's not your wife, in which case...
What are you doing later, gorgeous?
[booing]
Okay, everybody! The bar is open.
And next round's on me.
[cheering]
Seriously, Joel, get off the stage.
I'm just joking around.
Fucking joking.
Fine. Whatever.
Hey, how about some tunes?
He just called us shitty, man.
[man] Hey, tell us a joke!
[crowd clamoring in agreement]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey.
Hey!
You.
You did this, didn't you?
You couldn't just let us figure it out?
She still would have been a fucking doctor.
How many goddamn times do I have to say this?!
Say something! I'm right here!
[grunting]
Go back upstairs.
[groaning]
[indistinct chatter]
- [cheering] - [whooping]
[indistinct chatter]
Hey, there you are. How'd it go with the dentist?
Mm, yeah. It went great. Very thorough guy, terrific guy.
She's a woman.
Well, the deep voice fooled me.
You didn't go, did you?
Nope, I'm cured. Amazing, right?
I'll deal with it later. How's the night going?
- Great. - Oops. What happened?
I'm so rusty, Susie.
Last set, I was grasping for a punch line,
and I rhymed "mittens" with "tittens."
What's "tittens"?
Beats the fuck out of me. But I said it really loud
and smiley like it was supposed to be hilarious.
It was not hilarious.
Don't sweat it, this is where you work out your rustiness.
Go ahead, suck. We'll get a drink after, compare notes.
Okay.
- [cheering] - [whooping]
Hey, can I get some ice?
- For what? - You want to read my diary, too?
- [whooping] - [cheering]
[lively chatter nearby]
Shit. Is that Gordon Ford?
- Where? - There! Follow my hand.
[Tawny] Yeah, that's him.
Boy, he's much better looking in person.
[Susie] Fuck. Fuck.
What do I do? Should I go tell Midge he's here?
No. That will fuck with her head, right?
Or will it light a fire under her ass?
Fuck. I don't know. Protect her head or her ass?!
[exhales] Jesus Christ, I told her to suck.
Maybe a little nudge is good.
Right? Okay, I got to think like Midge.
What would she want? I don't know.
Shit. Shit. Fuck. Cock. Why are the lights changing?
- Am I having a stroke? - The number's done.
Oh, it's done. The universe decided.
Bring me a Scotch with a whiskey in it, okay?
What the fuck are you standing there for?
Oh. I just get really amped up, you know?
- [cheering] - [whooping]
[Midge clears throat]
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
It's nice to be here.
[clears throat] So...
I am just really full
from Thanksgiving still.
Which is not a joke.
It's more of a disclaimer.
My son, he likes these weird leftover combinations,
like, like turkey and gravy
between two pieces of pecan pie.
It tastes...
bad.
Does anyone know if it's gonna rain tomorrow?
Don't say tittens, don't say tittens.
Wow, that was a really bad start.
I think I'm gonna start again.
[deep breath] Hello, ladies and gentlemen!
Ignore the woman who was here a minute ago.
She's gone.
Like your alibi tonight, sir.
Your friend fell asleep at a strip club.
I'd hate to see what it takes to keep him awake.
[laughter]
Hey, you know what I discovered today?
You can take your kids to the airport,
put them on a plane, and just fly them somewhere else.
[laughter]
Technology is amazing.
It used to be, for that kind of peace and quiet,
you had to leave your kids on the steps of a church.
[laughter]
And the dangerous thing is not
that you're sending your kids off
with complete strangers on a vehicle
that has something called a cockpit.
No.
The really dangerous thing is that once they're gone,
you have a chance to remember what life
was like without them.
[laughter]
Right? It all comes flooding back.
The clean floor.
The calm apartment.
Your goddamned waistline.
- [cheering] - [laughing]
Sex.
- [whooping] - [clamoring in agreement]
Sex where you make it all the way to the end.
Or at least your husband does.
[laughter]
- Ah. Got you, fucker. - Sex anywhere!
In any room, on any appliance.
Well, almost any appliance.
I'd steer clear of the cake mixer.
No more turning the volume on the news up
so when your kid asks what those loud sounds were,
you can say "Khrushchev was banging his shoe again."
I am going to admit to you that, as scary as a threat
of a Soviet takeover is, a small part of me is thinking,
"Well, that'll cover blow job Fridays for a while."
- [cheering] - [laughing]
All right, my time is up.
I'm wanted in hell.
Please return your friend to the upright position.
You have been a kind and forgiving audience.
Don't forget to tip your waitress.
She's saving up to send her kids to Pittsburgh.
I'm Mrs. Maisel. Thank you
and good night.
- [cheering] - [whooping]
♪ ♪
- Again with the arm. - Get Midge.
- I'm working. - [groans] Quick, hurry, go.
Did you just tip me? Holy shit.
♪ ♪
Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me.
Excuse me, excuse me.
[clears throat] Excuse me?
Mr. Ford?
Oh, there you are.
I'm, uh, Susie Myerson.
Of Susie Myerson and Associates.
Okay. Well, hello, Susie Myerson.
How'd you like the show?
Uh, I didn't see much of it.
Oh, you saw my comic. I saw you watching my comic.
You were watching me watch the show?
I didn't even take my top off.
What'd you think? Honestly.
- Your girl's funny. - She is.
And kind of a looker, hmm? Good package for TV, don't you think?
- Well... [chuckles] - Why don't you
put her on your show? I think she'd be a big hit.
She's not right for my show.
Why not? Too funny?
Too downtown.
I'm playing to the cornfields. But, yeah, she is good.
She can do cornfields.
Sorry. But good luck.
Okay.
[indistinct chatter]
Put her on your staff.
- What? - Your writing staff.
I know you don't have any female writers.
You sell soap. You know who buys soap?
- Laundromats? - She can help you with those jokes.
How do you know I don't have any women on my writing staff?
- Just a hunch. - Well, my wife has been saying
that the show could use a woman's perspective.
Sounds like your wife is a smart lady.
- Smarter than I am. - Susie.
Aha, here she is. Miriam Maisel,
I'd like you to meet Gordon Ford.
Gordon Ford, Miriam Maisel.
Nice to meet you. You're a very funny lady.
Well, thank you. I'm a big fan of your show.
- And you, by extension. - Want to come write for me?
I'm sorry?
Susie Myerson and Associates here
has been talking you up. Says you could be my woman.
Writers' room-wise.
[Midge] Oh, no. I-I'm not a writer.
- Sidebar. - What?
Sidebar, sidebar, sidebar.
- What's at the sidebar? - Do you trust me?
Yes.
Take this job.
- I don't want to be a writer. - Of course not. No one wants
to be a writer, but this job gets you in the building.
And once you're in the building, you will get in his face,
and you will make him fucking laugh every time you see him.
And finally he will see you for what you are,
a goddamn star.
This is it.
This is the break.
You in?
I'm in.
[grunts]
Gordon?
we accept your offer and we are super excited about it.
Okay. We'll start her Monday.
Mike, make it happen.
[spits]
[Midge exclaims]
[♪ Squeeze: "There at the Top"]
♪ She's independent, she's a modern woman ♪
♪ She needs no prompting on her should and shouldn't ♪
♪ It's always bosses who wish she wouldn't ♪
♪ Files in the cabinet so neatly numerical ♪
♪ Makes all the clients so neatly alphabetical ♪
- ♪ Turn of 21 ♪ - ♪ She's looking at her map ♪
- ♪ Looking at her map ♪ - ♪ And looking at her watch ♪
♪ Looking at her watch ♪
- ♪ Bags on the rack ♪ - ♪ Bags on the rack ♪
♪ Seems like she's there ♪
♪ Seems like she's there at the top ♪
♪ There for her service, comfy red Granada ♪
♪ Up to the Midlands with a taped Sinatra ♪
♪ Plans all the hotels and airway charter ♪
♪ Found under covers with some representative ♪
♪ The deal is affected but still only tentative ♪
- ♪ Turn of 21 ♪ - ♪ She's looking at her map ♪
♪ Looking at her map ♪
- ♪ And looking at her watch ♪ - ♪ Looking at her watch ♪
- ♪ Bags on the rack ♪ - ♪ Bags on the rack ♪
♪ Seems like she's there ♪
♪ Seems like she's there at the top ♪
♪ ♪
♪ There at the top ♪♪