1 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,960 [ticking] 2 00:00:12,090 --> 00:00:14,160 {\an8}Amongst the many overnight success stories 3 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:15,540 {\an8}in show business lore, 4 00:00:15,740 --> 00:00:17,910 {\an8}Midge Maisel's stands out from the rest. 5 00:00:18,110 --> 00:00:19,710 {\an8}Her journey from the Gaslight Café 6 00:00:19,910 --> 00:00:22,630 {\an8}in New York's Greenwich Village to worldwide fame and notoriety 7 00:00:22,830 --> 00:00:24,590 {\an8}is the stuff of legend. 8 00:00:24,790 --> 00:00:26,260 {\an8}Often press-shy, 9 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:29,380 {\an8}she agreed to sit down with me and talk about her life. 10 00:00:29,580 --> 00:00:31,800 Hey, you look a little nervous. Are you? 11 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:33,550 Well, there's that body in my trunk. 12 00:00:33,750 --> 00:00:35,470 I've been meaning to dump it, but the day got away from me. 13 00:00:35,670 --> 00:00:36,890 It's been quite a ride. 14 00:00:37,090 --> 00:00:38,390 Grammy winner, Emmy winner, 15 00:00:38,590 --> 00:00:40,400 the French Order of the Arts and Letters. 16 00:00:40,590 --> 00:00:43,610 Does the phrase "living legend" apply? 17 00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:45,690 Geez, Mike, I'm not dead yet. 18 00:00:45,890 --> 00:00:48,190 Wait, am I? Call an ambulance. 19 00:00:48,390 --> 00:00:50,320 Where'd this passion to perform come from? 20 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:52,870 What drives Midge Maisel? 21 00:00:53,070 --> 00:00:54,410 I just love what I do. 22 00:00:54,610 --> 00:00:56,740 I love talking to people, present company excepted, 23 00:00:56,940 --> 00:00:58,160 I'm kidding. 24 00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,080 I like money, I'm not ashamed of that. 25 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:05,380 And boy, oh, boy, do I love the sound of laughs. 26 00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:07,880 [Mike] And what she does is make people laugh. 27 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:09,550 At age 30, 28 00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:12,970 18 consecutive sold-out nights at the Copacabana. 29 00:01:13,170 --> 00:01:15,300 Numerous tours in the U.S., Canada, 30 00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:18,180 and parts of Europe all sell out in minutes. 31 00:01:18,380 --> 00:01:20,520 There's the requisite celebrity friendships. 32 00:01:20,720 --> 00:01:22,100 Her shows with Bob Hope 33 00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:23,350 and their many trips to Vietnam 34 00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:25,400 were a favorite of the troops. 35 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,150 Midge, you look wonderful. 36 00:01:27,350 --> 00:01:28,780 I love that gown. Is that a Schiaparelli? 37 00:01:28,980 --> 00:01:30,820 Oh, I'm sorry, Bob, but I've forgotten where I bought it. 38 00:01:31,020 --> 00:01:33,490 - You mind if I look at the label? - [audience laughing] 39 00:01:33,690 --> 00:01:35,200 What does it say? 40 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,030 "Off limits." 41 00:01:37,230 --> 00:01:38,910 [Midge] That's negotiable. 42 00:01:39,110 --> 00:01:41,120 - [cheering] - [Mike] As her audience grew older, 43 00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:43,670 her inclination to shock grew bolder, 44 00:01:43,870 --> 00:01:45,290 culminating in the now infamous 45 00:01:45,490 --> 00:01:48,000 - 1971 show at Carnegie Hall. - [booing] 46 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,960 [Midge] How does a [bleep] lady like that 47 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,680 have the [bleep] to [bleep] show up looking like that? 48 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,970 Is anyone aware of the [bleep] First Amendment? 49 00:01:55,170 --> 00:01:56,720 Still applies. 50 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,770 [Mike] What could have been a career-ending night of infamy 51 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,180 turned out to be-- 52 00:02:00,380 --> 00:02:02,690 as so many things do in Midge Maisel's life-- 53 00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,940 the beginning of a brand-new chapter, 54 00:02:05,140 --> 00:02:07,860 with a brand-new audience of young fans 55 00:02:08,060 --> 00:02:10,570 through her audacious college campus tours. 56 00:02:10,770 --> 00:02:13,700 On top of all that, she raised two children, 57 00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:17,780 a son, Ethan, and a daughter, Dr. Esther Maisel. 58 00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:20,790 What was it like having Midge Maisel as your mother? 59 00:02:20,990 --> 00:02:24,580 It was an incredible childhood, filled with laughter and warmth. 60 00:02:24,780 --> 00:02:26,880 She's a wonderful mother. 61 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,170 The other kids must've been jealous. 62 00:02:28,370 --> 00:02:30,210 Oddly, yes. 63 00:02:30,410 --> 00:02:32,470 [Mike] And then there were the men. 64 00:02:32,660 --> 00:02:35,090 Men. Men and Midge Maisel. 65 00:02:35,290 --> 00:02:36,510 So many men. 66 00:02:36,710 --> 00:02:38,850 You sound like my accountant. 67 00:02:39,050 --> 00:02:41,850 Four marriages, plus several, or should I say multiple, 68 00:02:42,050 --> 00:02:43,480 other relationships. 69 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,650 - What gives? - [Midge] I don't know. 70 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,400 Lucky in life, unlucky in love. 71 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:49,690 I thought I'd marry once. Joke's on me. 72 00:02:49,890 --> 00:02:51,440 [Mike] And then there's the relationship 73 00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:54,200 that lasted longer than all the others combined. 74 00:02:54,390 --> 00:02:56,950 You were client number one of the powerful 75 00:02:57,150 --> 00:03:00,200 entertainment manager Susie Myerson, is that right? 76 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:01,830 That's right. 77 00:03:02,030 --> 00:03:04,830 You know her current client list: Liza Minnelli, 78 00:03:05,030 --> 00:03:06,580 George Carlin, Barbra Streisand. 79 00:03:06,780 --> 00:03:09,250 Just about everybody in Hollywood. 80 00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:11,590 Everybody except you. 81 00:03:11,790 --> 00:03:14,630 A 25-year friendship gone bust. 82 00:03:14,830 --> 00:03:16,840 - What happened? - What happened, Mike, 83 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:18,220 is that two people in show business 84 00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:19,890 tried to have a friendship. 85 00:03:20,090 --> 00:03:22,390 Shall I read what she recently said about you in Variety? 86 00:03:22,590 --> 00:03:25,980 Don't bother, I've already had it tattooed on my [bleep]. 87 00:03:26,180 --> 00:03:29,020 - [sighs] - [Mike] And then there were her clothes. 88 00:03:29,220 --> 00:03:31,400 And you're putting all these up for auction? 89 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:33,610 Every last button and bow. 90 00:03:33,810 --> 00:03:35,780 In a way, these are my friends. 91 00:03:35,980 --> 00:03:40,450 My first night at the Gaslight. Yup, the story is true. 92 00:03:40,650 --> 00:03:44,790 My B. Altman switchboard dress. Those were fun times. 93 00:03:44,990 --> 00:03:46,410 Oh, a classic. 94 00:03:46,610 --> 00:03:50,630 What I wore the night of the great tarmac dump of 1960. 95 00:03:50,830 --> 00:03:52,630 Night five of my first Copa run. 96 00:03:52,830 --> 00:03:54,210 What I wore to Woodstock-- 97 00:03:54,410 --> 00:03:56,920 I didn't perform, but I sure got muddy. 98 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:01,010 Guest hosting Johnny Carson, my cameo in Mad, Mad World. 99 00:04:01,210 --> 00:04:03,180 Oh, and this. 100 00:04:03,380 --> 00:04:06,680 The outfit I wore on my first day as a writer for Gordon Ford. 101 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:08,770 My sitting outfit. 102 00:04:08,970 --> 00:04:10,810 I put a lot of thought into this one. 103 00:04:11,010 --> 00:04:12,610 And where do the proceeds go? 104 00:04:12,810 --> 00:04:14,980 The Weissman/Maisel Children's Foundation, 105 00:04:15,180 --> 00:04:18,360 for childhood education, health, hunger, housing. 106 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,530 Children are my best teachers. 107 00:04:20,730 --> 00:04:24,200 Through them, I've learned to love, to laugh, to listen. 108 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:26,660 So everything I do, I do for the children. 109 00:04:26,860 --> 00:04:28,460 Hit the lights, ladies. 110 00:04:28,660 --> 00:04:32,000 [Mike] And so comedy superstar Midge Maisel soldiers on, 111 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,840 through success and adversity, doing everything, 112 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:38,170 in her words, "For the children." 113 00:04:38,370 --> 00:04:39,680 {\an8}[Midge] Eat, damn it, you little bastard! 114 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,140 {\an8}[Rose] Miriam! 115 00:04:41,330 --> 00:04:42,680 He has to eat to survive. 116 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:45,060 - [Ethan] Not hungry! - Deaf ears! 117 00:04:45,260 --> 00:04:46,600 - Your fault. - What is? 118 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,020 - The kids. - We didn't force you to have kids. 119 00:04:49,220 --> 00:04:50,600 No, but you created the environment: 120 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:52,610 the dolls, the books about being a mommy, 121 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:54,480 the-the quarter-scale toy kitchen you rigged up for me 122 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:56,480 with the gas broiler and the little fridge 123 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,320 that plugged into a working socket. 124 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:01,070 I was very proud of that until you were electrocuted. 125 00:05:01,270 --> 00:05:02,870 And now I'm gonna need some extra babysitting help. 126 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:05,450 This new job is five days a week. 127 00:05:05,650 --> 00:05:07,080 Miriam, tell us again how you're gonna be a writer 128 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:08,370 on The Gordon Ford Show. 129 00:05:08,570 --> 00:05:09,540 I don't understand. 130 00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:10,710 There's nothing more to tell. 131 00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:11,790 He offered me a job writing on the show, 132 00:05:11,990 --> 00:05:12,960 and I said yes. 133 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:14,590 So, he just walks around the city 134 00:05:14,790 --> 00:05:17,090 asking strangers if they want to be writers on his show? 135 00:05:17,290 --> 00:05:18,460 He sounds unstable. 136 00:05:18,660 --> 00:05:20,300 No, I'm sure he has people who normally do that, 137 00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:22,840 but this time it came directly from him. 138 00:05:23,040 --> 00:05:24,220 But what's there to even write? 139 00:05:24,420 --> 00:05:25,930 Doesn't he just make it all up on the spot? 140 00:05:26,130 --> 00:05:27,640 His whole opening monologue is written for him. 141 00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:29,430 Oh, I thought he was just naturally funny. 142 00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,350 This is shattering my illusions. 143 00:05:31,550 --> 00:05:33,770 Sorry, I should have broken it to you more gently. 144 00:05:33,970 --> 00:05:35,610 - And you're sure it was him? - Am I... 145 00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:36,690 Because I read about this woman, 146 00:05:36,890 --> 00:05:38,070 she was walking down Sixth Avenue, 147 00:05:38,270 --> 00:05:39,820 and who does she bump into but Winston Churchill. 148 00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:41,320 He tells her he needs to get back to England 149 00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,410 because his daughter's sick, but he lost his wallet. 150 00:05:43,610 --> 00:05:44,450 That's the worst. 151 00:05:44,650 --> 00:05:47,160 So, she gives him everything she had, $40. 152 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:48,870 Well, later on, the same man is caught 153 00:05:49,070 --> 00:05:50,500 walking around Union Square with his pants at his ankles, 154 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:51,620 yelling at seagulls. 155 00:05:51,820 --> 00:05:53,460 So it wasn't Winston Churchill? 156 00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:54,790 That's my point. 157 00:05:54,990 --> 00:05:56,630 Maybe it wasn't Gordon Ford who hired you. 158 00:05:56,830 --> 00:05:58,500 It was Gordon Ford, okay? 159 00:05:58,700 --> 00:05:59,800 I got hired by Gordon Ford, 160 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,380 his pants were up, and I accepted the job. 161 00:06:01,580 --> 00:06:02,630 Now let's discuss the kids. 162 00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:04,430 Oh, I'm happy to do all I can, Miss Miriam. 163 00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:05,930 I hope you know that. 164 00:06:06,130 --> 00:06:08,560 It's become a great joy in my life, watching the kids. 165 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:11,060 And when I can't watch them, well... 166 00:06:11,260 --> 00:06:12,730 I can. [chuckles] 167 00:06:12,930 --> 00:06:15,020 I love picking Ethan up after school, 168 00:06:15,220 --> 00:06:16,270 and Esther loves to come along. 169 00:06:16,470 --> 00:06:17,900 She rides on my shoulders 170 00:06:18,100 --> 00:06:20,030 and tells me, "Giddyap, Janusz!" 171 00:06:20,230 --> 00:06:22,240 And that's when I giddyap and go like the wind. 172 00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:23,740 I'm happy to stay and play with them 173 00:06:23,940 --> 00:06:25,820 whenever you need me, even at night. 174 00:06:26,020 --> 00:06:27,620 They're fantastic. 175 00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:31,410 My life was hard: the war, the bombings. 176 00:06:31,610 --> 00:06:32,710 So much suffering. 177 00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:35,880 But, uh, spending time with your children... 178 00:06:36,070 --> 00:06:38,890 They make me think about having my own children. 179 00:06:40,190 --> 00:06:42,510 For the first time in my life. 180 00:06:42,710 --> 00:06:44,380 Well, thank you. 181 00:06:44,580 --> 00:06:47,440 Both of you. I really appreciate it. 182 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,930 - Who is that? - Don't you know? 183 00:06:52,130 --> 00:06:53,600 He always has a screwdriver with him. 184 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:54,770 I thought he was a handyman. 185 00:06:54,970 --> 00:06:56,230 I didn't hire a handyman. 186 00:06:56,430 --> 00:06:58,560 He seems very familiar with the children. 187 00:06:58,760 --> 00:06:59,650 And Zelda. 188 00:06:59,850 --> 00:07:00,860 He's been here off and on for weeks, 189 00:07:01,060 --> 00:07:02,110 and none of us know who he is? 190 00:07:02,310 --> 00:07:05,130 Whoever he is, sounds like he's free. 191 00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:10,240 [♪ Bobby Rydell: "Wild One"] 192 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,080 [music continues in distance] 193 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,210 [Shirley] Do not leave the salt out! 194 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,080 [Moishe] Since when do we not leave the salt out? 195 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:17,670 The salt is always out! 196 00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:20,800 [Shirley] I put it away always, so the rats don't get in it. 197 00:07:20,990 --> 00:07:23,460 [Moishe] It's not sugar, it's salt... 198 00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:25,880 [groaning] 199 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:29,510 [arguing continues indistinctly] 200 00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:31,560 - ["Wild One" continues] - [Shirley] You stopped her on the street! 201 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:33,600 [Moishe] She stopped me! She's a yenta! 202 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,980 She walks up and down the street waiting to stop and schmooze! 203 00:07:36,180 --> 00:07:38,900 [Shirley] Moishe Maisel, I have never said 204 00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:42,360 an unkind word about you to anyone! 205 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,400 - [Moishe groans] - [Shirley] Tell me when I did! 206 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:45,950 [Moishe] Just last year at Disneyland! 207 00:07:46,140 --> 00:07:47,610 That jab about my tuchus! 208 00:07:47,810 --> 00:07:48,990 [Shirley] What I said to Donald Duck that day 209 00:07:49,190 --> 00:07:50,490 - is between me and Donald... - [line ringing] 210 00:07:50,690 --> 00:07:52,370 [Archie] Buddy, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. 211 00:07:52,570 --> 00:07:53,910 How'd you know it was me? 212 00:07:54,110 --> 00:07:55,620 I've been dreading the call ever since I left you there. 213 00:07:55,820 --> 00:07:58,120 - How do you feel? - [sighs] Like a tank hit me. 214 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:01,710 You went on a bender last night, epic in scale. 215 00:08:01,910 --> 00:08:04,460 - Give me the headlines. - You walked in smashed. 216 00:08:04,660 --> 00:08:07,170 - You were hitting on girls right in front of their dates. - And one of them beat me up? 217 00:08:07,370 --> 00:08:09,550 No, then you went onstage and insulted the band. 218 00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:10,640 And the band beat me up? 219 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,350 No. Then you did a little stand-up, 220 00:08:12,550 --> 00:08:14,100 and when I turned my back, you disappeared. 221 00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:15,470 How you got back up those stairs, I don't know, 222 00:08:15,670 --> 00:08:16,980 but you were bleeding buckets. 223 00:08:17,180 --> 00:08:18,190 I took you to the emergency room. 224 00:08:18,390 --> 00:08:19,480 They patched you up and released you, 225 00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:21,150 but you couldn't go home, not alone. 226 00:08:21,350 --> 00:08:22,440 Your ribs are cracked, you've got stitches. 227 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,230 So... I brought you there. 228 00:08:25,430 --> 00:08:26,820 - Please forgive me. - You're forgiven. 229 00:08:27,020 --> 00:08:28,320 [Shirley] I talked to Grumpy and Sneezy that day, too! 230 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,240 [Moishe] Oh, so you turned all the Disney characters 231 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,700 - against me, very nice! - Actually, you may not be forgiven just yet. 232 00:08:32,900 --> 00:08:34,160 Jury's out. 233 00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:35,540 Anything I can do? 234 00:08:35,740 --> 00:08:37,660 Nah. I got an idea. 235 00:08:37,860 --> 00:08:39,750 I'll talk to you later. 236 00:08:39,950 --> 00:08:42,000 [Shirley] In your dreams! 237 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,380 [Moishe] You think Cinderella wasn't looking me up and down? 238 00:08:44,580 --> 00:08:45,750 Oh, yes, she was! 239 00:08:45,950 --> 00:08:49,090 Hello! We're here! 240 00:08:49,290 --> 00:08:50,680 [Shirley] Who's here? Who is here? 241 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,090 [Moishe] Somebody's here! 242 00:08:52,290 --> 00:08:53,800 Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa. 243 00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,020 - Were we expecting you? - It's the kids. 244 00:08:56,210 --> 00:08:57,980 When I asked how they wanted to spend their Sunday, 245 00:08:58,170 --> 00:09:00,100 they said with Grandma and Grandpa Maisel. 246 00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:01,600 How sweet. 247 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,730 Come give Grandpa a big hug there, kids. Come on. 248 00:09:03,930 --> 00:09:05,900 No, Grandma first. Come to Grandma. 249 00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:07,900 - I had dibs. No, come on, come on, bubele. - Come on, come on. 250 00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:09,110 Zaydee's waiting. Grandpa has feelings, too. 251 00:09:09,310 --> 00:09:10,450 [Shirley] No, you're gonna hurt my feelings and break my heart. 252 00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:11,910 And his knees are hurting quite badly. 253 00:09:12,110 --> 00:09:13,620 - My knees are hurting, too. - You don't want to damage Grandpa's knees. 254 00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:15,530 - Do you? I've got candy. - My back's not so good either. 255 00:09:15,730 --> 00:09:17,370 - Grandpa's knees are fine. - And football injuries. 256 00:09:17,570 --> 00:09:19,460 - And my heart can break, too... - [Moishe] You don't want to break my heart. 257 00:09:19,650 --> 00:09:21,290 - It's weak already. - Oh, look, there he is. 258 00:09:21,490 --> 00:09:23,290 Our little patient. 259 00:09:23,490 --> 00:09:26,170 - Hi. - Hi. 260 00:09:26,370 --> 00:09:28,880 Don't be scared, he's gonna be fine. 261 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,550 Your father was hit by a very small car, 262 00:09:31,750 --> 00:09:34,260 but already he's so much better. Look, he's walking. 263 00:09:34,460 --> 00:09:36,810 And did you grow? 264 00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,430 - These aren't my pajamas. - [Midge] Okay. 265 00:09:39,630 --> 00:09:41,390 I'm fine, guys. Really. 266 00:09:41,590 --> 00:09:42,980 It looks worse than it is. 267 00:09:43,180 --> 00:09:45,150 Hey, why don't you two go into the living room 268 00:09:45,350 --> 00:09:47,690 - and dig out your toys? - I'll come with. Let's go, kids. 269 00:09:47,890 --> 00:09:50,440 - Yeah, I'll be right in. - [Ethan] I didn't want to come here today. 270 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,610 - [Moishe] Go get your toys... - Ma, where are my clothes? 271 00:09:52,810 --> 00:09:54,990 At the dry cleaner's. They were all dirty and bloody. 272 00:09:55,190 --> 00:09:57,200 They'll be back in six, eight hours tops. 273 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,040 But what are these? They're not Ethan's. 274 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:00,540 They're not my old ones. 275 00:10:00,740 --> 00:10:02,540 I keep a supply of little boy pajamas 276 00:10:02,740 --> 00:10:05,040 on hand at all times, like everyone else. 277 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,000 - No one else does that. - [stammers] 278 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:08,500 Hey, Shirley, better get into the living room 279 00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:10,210 - before the kids run out of hugs. - Oh, yeah. 280 00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:12,510 Kids, Grandma's coming. Save me some hugs. 281 00:10:12,710 --> 00:10:15,510 - [Moishe speaking indistinctly] - [groans] It's a long story. 282 00:10:15,710 --> 00:10:18,140 Love to hear it. Come on. 283 00:10:18,340 --> 00:10:19,890 Don't pull so hard. 284 00:10:20,090 --> 00:10:21,620 Midge, you're pulling the stitches. 285 00:10:23,330 --> 00:10:25,600 Well? 286 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,980 I got into a scuffle. 287 00:10:28,180 --> 00:10:30,230 That's your long story? That wasn't even a haiku. 288 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:31,650 It was at the club. 289 00:10:31,850 --> 00:10:33,070 You got into a fight at the club? Where was Archie? 290 00:10:33,270 --> 00:10:36,170 - I talked to Mei. - Mei? Mei did not do this. 291 00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,950 Joel? What about Mei? 292 00:10:42,150 --> 00:10:44,500 There is no Mei, okay? 293 00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:46,060 No Mei? 294 00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:49,960 You broke up? But what about the baby? 295 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,670 There's no Mei and there's no baby. 296 00:10:51,870 --> 00:10:52,970 There. You happy? 297 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,070 No baby? I... 298 00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:57,930 No baby. 299 00:10:58,130 --> 00:10:59,640 She's moving. Moved. 300 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:01,520 She's already in Chicago. 301 00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:02,640 - It's over. - I'm sorry. 302 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:04,600 - No. [groans] - Sorry. 303 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,900 I was afraid something like this would happen. 304 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:09,020 - Like what? - I... 305 00:11:09,220 --> 00:11:10,730 - She wasn't ready. - How do you know? 306 00:11:10,930 --> 00:11:12,860 I just had a feeling after we talked at the hospital. 307 00:11:13,060 --> 00:11:15,320 - At the hospital? - When we discussed the kids and how it would work... 308 00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:17,820 - You mean with Pop? - ...she just didn't seem to be on the same page as you. 309 00:11:18,020 --> 00:11:19,830 - Are you kidding me? - No. 310 00:11:20,020 --> 00:11:21,540 And you didn't think to maybe give me a heads-up 311 00:11:21,730 --> 00:11:23,620 that my whole fucking life was about to come crashing down? 312 00:11:23,820 --> 00:11:26,170 It was just a feeling I had, an intuition. 313 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:27,960 You never should have spoken to her in the first place. 314 00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:29,750 - Joel... - This is what could've pushed her over the edge. 315 00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,420 Made her do what she did. 316 00:11:31,620 --> 00:11:34,470 - Hey, that's not fair. She chose. - With your help! 317 00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:35,840 I'm gonna wait till you get better to smack you 318 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,320 because now won't be fun. 319 00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:42,600 I did nothing to push Mei away. 320 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:44,770 I've got eight hours till my clothes are back. 321 00:11:44,970 --> 00:11:46,410 I'm gonna go lie down. 322 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:50,940 [groans softly] 323 00:11:51,140 --> 00:11:54,040 - I could swing by your place and... - I'm good. 324 00:11:56,630 --> 00:11:59,370 [gasps] 325 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:03,290 - [phone ringing] - Are you fucking kidding me? 326 00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:04,830 Okay, so, I thought I'd picked out 327 00:12:05,030 --> 00:12:06,830 the perfect first day outfit for Gordon Ford. 328 00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:08,670 I mean, I spent hours thinking about it, 329 00:12:08,870 --> 00:12:10,420 sorting through multiple color combinations, 330 00:12:10,620 --> 00:12:12,500 but around 5:00 this morning, something struck me. 331 00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:13,800 Was it a blunt object? 332 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,260 - What? - Go on. 333 00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:17,220 This isn't a standing job. 334 00:12:17,420 --> 00:12:18,590 It's a sitting job. 335 00:12:18,790 --> 00:12:21,350 Huh. Explain. 336 00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:23,010 B. Altman, I stood at the counter. 337 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:24,350 That was a standing job. 338 00:12:24,550 --> 00:12:25,930 Doing stand-up comedy, that's a standing job. 339 00:12:26,130 --> 00:12:27,560 I know how to dress for that, but this, 340 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,150 working at Gordon Ford, this is a sitting job, 341 00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:32,860 predominantly, so the skirt can't be straight. 342 00:12:33,060 --> 00:12:34,650 I mean, it can be straight if there's a slit in it, 343 00:12:34,850 --> 00:12:36,280 but not a side slit, no. 344 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:37,490 If I shift in my seat, even a little, 345 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:38,950 they'll get an eyeful. 346 00:12:39,150 --> 00:12:40,660 A back slit is okay, like a... 347 00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:42,320 like a tasteful vent extension, 348 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,120 but again, that's more for ease of walking. 349 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,700 So that brings us back to flare. It needs to flare. 350 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,500 And it needs to flare in a way that will accommodate 351 00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:50,460 a variety of different sitting positions. 352 00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:51,960 Interesting. Really interesting. 353 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,170 - And that's why you called? - Yep. 354 00:12:54,370 --> 00:12:58,170 So, to review, you called me at four-fucking-fifty-fucking-six 355 00:12:58,370 --> 00:12:59,930 in the morning, after hours of thought 356 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,050 and excessive consideration about color combinations, 357 00:13:02,250 --> 00:13:03,720 because you suddenly realized 358 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,390 that this job would involve sitting? 359 00:13:05,590 --> 00:13:07,020 - Yeah. - But before that, 360 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,270 you thought that the job was to stand 361 00:13:08,470 --> 00:13:10,020 in front of Gordon Ford for eight straight hours 362 00:13:10,220 --> 00:13:12,560 and pitch jokes? That is just fucking dumb. 363 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,480 I don't know what the job is. 364 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:15,980 New rule, for you 365 00:13:16,180 --> 00:13:18,360 and the entire demented moronic fucking Weissman clan, 366 00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:21,950 no one, and I mean no one, is allowed to ring my goddamn phone 367 00:13:22,150 --> 00:13:24,160 before 10:30 in the morning for any reason. 368 00:13:24,360 --> 00:13:26,030 Here's a fresh cup, Miss Susie. 369 00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:27,450 Unless It's Zelda. 370 00:13:27,650 --> 00:13:29,080 'Cause I know if Zelda calls me, 371 00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:30,750 she will make up for it with something delicious. 372 00:13:30,950 --> 00:13:32,500 - [Zelda] Thank you, Miss Susie. - Mm-hmm. 373 00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:34,000 Psst. 374 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,380 [whispers] I have some major household dish for you. 375 00:13:36,580 --> 00:13:38,170 Is it dumb? Because really, if it's dumb, 376 00:13:38,370 --> 00:13:39,800 I am throwing you out that goddamn window. 377 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,260 Zelda has a boyfriend. 378 00:13:41,460 --> 00:13:42,970 A new one? What happened to Janusz? 379 00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:45,100 No, it is Janusz. How do you know about Janusz? 380 00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:46,890 She's been with him for, like, four months. 381 00:13:47,090 --> 00:13:48,310 I run into them on the nights they hit the Village. 382 00:13:48,510 --> 00:13:49,560 He's an excellent dancer. 383 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,770 How are you just finding out about this? 384 00:13:51,970 --> 00:13:54,060 - He just changed the hardware in the bathroom. - That was him? 385 00:13:54,260 --> 00:13:55,650 You didn't notice a guy who looks like Mr. Clean 386 00:13:55,850 --> 00:13:57,820 who's got a boner for Zelda hanging out in your apartment? 387 00:13:58,020 --> 00:13:59,530 Guess I'm not as observant as I should be. 388 00:13:59,730 --> 00:14:01,030 And you're an observational comic. 389 00:14:01,230 --> 00:14:02,860 I mean, really, there's something missing in you. 390 00:14:03,060 --> 00:14:05,370 Oh, shoot. Drinks after work. 391 00:14:05,570 --> 00:14:07,330 Not only do I need an outfit for sitting at work, 392 00:14:07,530 --> 00:14:09,620 but it has to be appropriate for drinks with the gang. 393 00:14:09,820 --> 00:14:11,870 Okay. This is not a cocktail party. 394 00:14:12,070 --> 00:14:14,120 It's a job. Here. 395 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:15,710 This... 396 00:14:15,910 --> 00:14:18,400 with this and this. 397 00:14:19,940 --> 00:14:22,170 - And this. - Wow. That's great. 398 00:14:22,370 --> 00:14:23,590 And you can sit in it and everything? 399 00:14:23,790 --> 00:14:25,180 I want to be sure that you can sit in it. 400 00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:26,850 - It's got enough flare? - It's perfect. 401 00:14:27,050 --> 00:14:28,810 - Going back to bed. - Thank you, Susie. 402 00:14:29,010 --> 00:14:30,310 Fuck you, Midge. 403 00:14:30,510 --> 00:14:32,450 ♪ ♪ 404 00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,420 [indistinct chatter] 405 00:14:46,210 --> 00:14:48,240 [indistinct announcement over P.A.] 406 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:50,390 [bell rings] 407 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:55,270 ♪ ♪ 408 00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:07,280 [dialogue inaudible] 409 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:15,850 - No! - Who is she talking to? 410 00:15:16,050 --> 00:15:17,730 Sorry, I'm-I'm talking to him. 411 00:15:17,930 --> 00:15:20,080 [man] Subway weirdo. 412 00:15:23,380 --> 00:15:25,280 [indistinct announcement over P.A.] 413 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,300 [bell rings] 414 00:15:29,050 --> 00:15:30,990 Midge! 415 00:15:31,190 --> 00:15:33,660 I said no. I don't want to talk to you. 416 00:15:33,860 --> 00:15:37,540 Please wait. I... I never got a chance to explain. 417 00:15:37,740 --> 00:15:39,080 Tell it to your espresso machine. 418 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,560 Oh, Midge, come on. 419 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,340 Excuse me, excuse me. Bad man behind me. 420 00:15:45,540 --> 00:15:48,430 I have no phone number for you, no address. 421 00:15:48,630 --> 00:15:50,640 - I had no way to contact you. - Good. 422 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,180 I didn't want you to contact me. 423 00:15:52,380 --> 00:15:53,810 Chanel? Really nice. 424 00:15:54,010 --> 00:15:54,890 I went to the park every morning for weeks. 425 00:15:55,090 --> 00:15:56,180 You never showed. 426 00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:58,440 That's because I never went back to the park. 427 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:01,230 I brought flowers every day to apologize. 428 00:16:01,430 --> 00:16:02,610 I hope you brought 'em home to the wife. 429 00:16:02,810 --> 00:16:04,250 It's a shame to waste flowers. 430 00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:07,570 - Ah, that is nice. - Mm-hmm. 431 00:16:07,770 --> 00:16:10,320 Hey. Excuse me. Excuse me. 432 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,510 Two minutes. That's all I ask. Look. 433 00:16:15,220 --> 00:16:17,470 - Two minutes! - [bell rings] 434 00:16:20,850 --> 00:16:24,250 Okay, that was fun and all, but I just need to tell you... 435 00:16:24,450 --> 00:16:27,050 [indistinct chatter] 436 00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:29,860 [sighs] Unbelievable. 437 00:16:31,110 --> 00:16:33,350 Excuse me. Coming through. 438 00:16:33,550 --> 00:16:35,560 - Make a hole, damn it. - Rude! 439 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:36,890 Me? 440 00:16:37,090 --> 00:16:38,560 You're the ones lined up like the offensive line 441 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,410 - of the Princeton Tigers. - [woman gasps] 442 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,230 - Hey! - Oh, my God. 443 00:16:46,430 --> 00:16:47,990 I'd never done that, I swear. 444 00:16:48,190 --> 00:16:49,820 Done what? Stalked a woman on the subway? 445 00:16:50,020 --> 00:16:51,700 Brought a woman back to my place. 446 00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:54,240 - You mean you and your wife's place. - It's not what you think. 447 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,870 I'm sorry, but we talked and talked, 448 00:16:56,070 --> 00:16:57,620 and you never said you were married. 449 00:16:57,820 --> 00:16:59,500 - I'm not! - So who was that, your sister? 450 00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:01,290 Was your sister unhappy you were sleeping with another woman? 451 00:17:01,490 --> 00:17:03,420 - 'Cause that's a problem, too. - You know, I'd really rather 452 00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:05,300 that all of New York not hear about this. 453 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:06,800 You're the one who started it. 454 00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,420 Why are you going uptown now? 455 00:17:08,620 --> 00:17:09,720 You were going downtown. 456 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,090 This is downtown. 457 00:17:11,290 --> 00:17:12,510 [indistinct announcement over P.A.] 458 00:17:12,710 --> 00:17:13,680 Damn it. 459 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,740 [trains screeching, whirring] 460 00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:23,480 Damn it. Midge? You here? 461 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,520 - Midge? - Excuse me. Is there a problem? 462 00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:27,480 I'm sorry, I was just looking for a friend of mine. 463 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,280 Officer, that's the man who assaulted me on the staircase. 464 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,610 - Assaulted you? When? - I didn't assault anyone. 465 00:17:32,810 --> 00:17:34,700 He cursed at us and called us offensive. 466 00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:37,430 - What the heck? - They were blocking the staircase. 467 00:17:38,430 --> 00:17:40,430 - [bell rings] - [busy chatter] 468 00:17:42,810 --> 00:17:44,810 - [whistle blows in distance] - [horns honking] 469 00:17:46,810 --> 00:17:48,510 - Two minutes. - Jesus H. Christ. 470 00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:51,090 Then you never have to see me again, I promise. 471 00:17:51,290 --> 00:17:54,760 Tell him it's okay. 472 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,820 It's okay. 473 00:17:58,530 --> 00:18:00,310 I messed up really bad. 474 00:18:00,510 --> 00:18:02,020 I put you in an awful situation. 475 00:18:02,220 --> 00:18:04,650 Awful? It was more than awful. 476 00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:07,520 It was every synonym for awful, you choose. 477 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:08,860 I'll work on one tonight. 478 00:18:09,060 --> 00:18:11,610 - So, that was my wife. - And not your sister. 479 00:18:11,810 --> 00:18:13,280 But we were separated and living apart. 480 00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:15,530 That was my place. She got our old house. 481 00:18:15,730 --> 00:18:17,530 So, why'd she waltz in like that? 482 00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:18,870 To drop off the dog, 483 00:18:19,070 --> 00:18:21,580 which she's supposed to do with prior notice. 484 00:18:21,780 --> 00:18:24,500 - And now we're getting divorced. - You and the dog? 485 00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:26,500 The marriage was over long before I met you. 486 00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:30,590 Look, Midge, meeting you, the talks we had, 487 00:18:30,790 --> 00:18:32,470 it was a lifesaver for me. 488 00:18:32,670 --> 00:18:34,890 But I'm not here to get you to reconsider. 489 00:18:35,080 --> 00:18:36,950 I just want to apologize. 490 00:18:40,660 --> 00:18:43,020 - How is the dog? - She took the dog. 491 00:18:43,220 --> 00:18:44,350 - What? - And changed his name. 492 00:18:44,550 --> 00:18:46,230 That's rotten. 493 00:18:46,430 --> 00:18:48,650 Did I ruin Riverside Park for you? Tell me I didn't. 494 00:18:48,850 --> 00:18:51,440 Just temporarily. I'm back in it now. 495 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,650 Good, 'cause it's a great park. 496 00:18:53,850 --> 00:18:55,450 It is. 497 00:18:55,650 --> 00:18:58,950 Well, maybe we'll run into each other there again, sometime. 498 00:18:59,150 --> 00:19:00,580 Maybe. 499 00:19:00,780 --> 00:19:02,410 Maybe's good. 500 00:19:02,610 --> 00:19:04,140 I'll take maybe. 501 00:19:05,180 --> 00:19:06,330 Bye, Midge. 502 00:19:06,530 --> 00:19:08,390 Goodbye, Sylvio. 503 00:19:10,020 --> 00:19:12,420 - I'm rooting for you, son. - [chuckles] 504 00:19:12,620 --> 00:19:14,340 - ♪ Something due any day ♪ - [♪ Voctave: "Something's Coming"] 505 00:19:14,540 --> 00:19:16,760 ♪ I will know right away ♪ 506 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,260 ♪ Soon as it shows ♪ 507 00:19:20,460 --> 00:19:22,430 ♪ It may come cannonballing down through the sky ♪ 508 00:19:22,630 --> 00:19:26,160 ♪ Gleam in its eye, bright as a rose ♪ 509 00:19:28,370 --> 00:19:29,770 - [elevator bell dings] - ♪ It's only just out of reach ♪ 510 00:19:29,970 --> 00:19:31,480 ♪ Down the block ♪ 511 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:35,570 - ♪ On a beach, under a tree ♪ - [elevator bell dings] 512 00:19:35,770 --> 00:19:38,240 ♪ The air is ♪ 513 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:40,660 ♪ Humming ♪ 514 00:19:40,860 --> 00:19:43,620 - ♪ And something great ♪ - ♪ And something great ♪ 515 00:19:43,820 --> 00:19:45,210 ♪ And something great ♪ 516 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:49,790 ♪ And something great ♪♪ 517 00:19:49,990 --> 00:19:51,550 And you say Gordon hired you? 518 00:19:51,740 --> 00:19:53,630 Gordon doesn't hire people personally. 519 00:19:53,830 --> 00:19:56,340 I know it's unusual, but he came to my strip club, 520 00:19:56,540 --> 00:19:57,720 uh, my club, 521 00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,010 - where I perform. - Oh, I get it. 522 00:20:00,210 --> 00:20:02,510 No, you don't. I'm a stand-up. A comedian. 523 00:20:02,710 --> 00:20:04,180 So, you're here to be on the show? 524 00:20:04,380 --> 00:20:05,980 You have to be booked to be on the show. 525 00:20:06,180 --> 00:20:07,560 You can't just walk in off the street 526 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:08,940 and ask to be booked on the show. 527 00:20:09,140 --> 00:20:11,610 I didn't just walk in off the street. Oh, wait. 528 00:20:11,810 --> 00:20:14,110 He knows me. Mike! Mike! Mike! 529 00:20:14,310 --> 00:20:16,280 Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! 530 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,380 Mike! Mike! Midge Maisel. 531 00:20:19,710 --> 00:20:20,660 Let her in. 532 00:20:20,860 --> 00:20:22,510 [sighs] 533 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,620 You and I haven't officially met. 534 00:20:27,820 --> 00:20:29,580 Look, Mike, 535 00:20:29,780 --> 00:20:31,330 I know you and Susie got off to a rocky start. 536 00:20:31,530 --> 00:20:33,960 Rocky start. [chuckles] You're... very funny. 537 00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:35,920 But now I'm here, and don't you think it would be best to... 538 00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:37,090 Do you know it has no smell? 539 00:20:37,290 --> 00:20:38,930 What? What doesn't? 540 00:20:39,130 --> 00:20:40,090 My tree. 541 00:20:40,290 --> 00:20:41,550 Because it's a piece of shit tree 542 00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:42,970 that I grabbed in haste to get away 543 00:20:43,170 --> 00:20:45,600 from your little troll of a manager. My apartment has 544 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,390 no Christmassy smell 545 00:20:47,590 --> 00:20:48,850 'cause the goddamn tree 546 00:20:49,050 --> 00:20:51,060 is a piece of shit, lifeless tree. 547 00:20:51,260 --> 00:20:52,860 You are gonna learn to like me. 548 00:20:53,060 --> 00:20:55,610 Boy, you two, peas in a pod. 549 00:20:55,810 --> 00:20:57,570 It may take a month, two months tops. 550 00:20:57,770 --> 00:20:59,030 Hell, give me six months, 551 00:20:59,230 --> 00:21:00,570 and you and I are bowling and drinking beer. 552 00:21:00,770 --> 00:21:02,780 Look, I got to go, but would you deliver a message to Susie? 553 00:21:02,980 --> 00:21:03,880 Sure. 554 00:21:06,340 --> 00:21:07,620 I will pass it on. 555 00:21:07,820 --> 00:21:10,060 You're late, by the way. 556 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:13,840 Those are the writers? Is that... 557 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,050 Is that where I'm supposed to go? 558 00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,610 - That's the writers' room. Go. - Thanks. 559 00:21:19,860 --> 00:21:22,090 - Oop. - [Mel] You don't think he could direct 560 00:21:22,290 --> 00:21:24,300 - a drama, Alvin? - [Alvin] Mel was on Caesar with me. 561 00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,600 I have no problem with Mel Brooks. I like Mel Brooks. 562 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,100 Mel Brooks is funny. 563 00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:29,560 - But? - Here it comes. 564 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,190 - He likes air. - [others] Oh! 565 00:21:31,390 --> 00:21:33,060 [Alvin] Oh, does he like air. 566 00:21:33,260 --> 00:21:35,940 He comes in a room like a Hoover, and he sucks it all up. 567 00:21:36,140 --> 00:21:38,650 Ask Simon. Ask Gelbart. Hell, ask Sid. 568 00:21:38,850 --> 00:21:41,110 The green-eyed monster doth mock the meat it feeds on. 569 00:21:41,310 --> 00:21:43,030 Geez, Cess, Shakespeare before noon? 570 00:21:43,230 --> 00:21:44,530 My only request, dear Alvin, 571 00:21:44,730 --> 00:21:46,740 please stop taking your hatred for Mel Brooks 572 00:21:46,940 --> 00:21:48,830 out on me just because we share a name. 573 00:21:49,030 --> 00:21:51,100 - I don't hate Mel Brooks. - Me neither. 574 00:21:52,470 --> 00:21:54,250 Hi. 575 00:21:54,450 --> 00:21:55,340 Am I in the right place? 576 00:21:55,530 --> 00:21:56,380 - No. - Don't think so. 577 00:21:56,580 --> 00:21:57,550 This is the writers' room, right? 578 00:21:57,750 --> 00:21:59,010 - Pretty much. - Who's asking? - We're writers in a room. 579 00:21:59,210 --> 00:22:00,760 Well, I'm your new writer. 580 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,130 Alvin? 581 00:22:02,330 --> 00:22:03,930 George mentioned some girl was starting with us. 582 00:22:04,130 --> 00:22:04,930 He didn't say when. 583 00:22:05,130 --> 00:22:06,260 Well, I'm some girl, 584 00:22:06,460 --> 00:22:07,720 and today is the day. Who's George? 585 00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:09,890 - You'll know him when you see him. - Mothballs. 586 00:22:10,090 --> 00:22:11,770 - Boat shoes. - I have boat shoes. 587 00:22:11,970 --> 00:22:13,600 I wouldn't have minded being consulted about a new hire, 588 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,480 but I'm just the head writer, so what do I know? Milly? 589 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:18,020 - Midge. - Midge? 590 00:22:18,220 --> 00:22:20,030 Never trust people whose names don't rhyme with anything. 591 00:22:20,230 --> 00:22:22,400 Smidge. Bridge. Fridge. 592 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:23,360 Shit. 593 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:25,030 That's Ralph, Mel, Adam, Cecil, 594 00:22:25,230 --> 00:22:26,660 - and I'm Alvin. Sit. - [Midge] Great. 595 00:22:26,860 --> 00:22:28,410 Got my sitting outfit on. 596 00:22:28,610 --> 00:22:30,450 - [Mel] Your what? - It's a flared skirt 597 00:22:30,650 --> 00:22:31,750 for sitting instead of standing. 598 00:22:31,950 --> 00:22:33,420 I mean, you can stand in it, but it looks good 599 00:22:33,610 --> 00:22:34,500 when you're sitting, too. 600 00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:36,380 Got that versatility, like pants. 601 00:22:36,580 --> 00:22:38,040 [Alvin] So, Gordon's in a foul mood. 602 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,460 - Again? - What in that man's charmed life is so terrible? 603 00:22:40,660 --> 00:22:41,590 - [Alvin] He's given up smoking. - Oh, Jesus. 604 00:22:41,790 --> 00:22:42,760 - Oh, come on. - Oh, for God's sake. 605 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,130 [Alvin] And he doesn't want anyone else 606 00:22:44,330 --> 00:22:45,590 smoking in the office. 607 00:22:45,790 --> 00:22:47,550 If he gets divorced, does everyone else have to, too? 608 00:22:47,750 --> 00:22:49,560 [Mel] Can I finish this one at least? No? 609 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,730 Guess cancer will have to wait. 610 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,310 [Cecil] First they came for the cigarettes, 611 00:22:53,510 --> 00:22:54,640 and I did not speak out. 612 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,060 So, let's get going here, boys. 613 00:22:56,260 --> 00:22:58,190 - Give me a good mix, 20 in one. - Uh... 614 00:22:58,390 --> 00:22:59,980 - What... Wait, where... - [overlapping chatter] 615 00:23:00,180 --> 00:23:02,070 - Um, Alvin, what's 20 in one? - [phone rings] 616 00:23:02,270 --> 00:23:03,900 Yeah? 617 00:23:04,100 --> 00:23:05,200 Yeah, I know Bernstein's tonight. 618 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,950 I read the memo. 619 00:23:07,150 --> 00:23:09,530 No, I'm not gonna hand him a bunch of dumb Maestro jokes. 620 00:23:09,730 --> 00:23:12,290 Come on, Alex. Just give him a goddamn cigarette. 621 00:23:12,490 --> 00:23:14,850 - [indistinct chatter] - [phone rings] 622 00:23:16,890 --> 00:23:18,630 Hi. Hey. 623 00:23:18,830 --> 00:23:20,670 Any idea what 20 in one is? 624 00:23:20,870 --> 00:23:23,130 - Nope. - [phone rings] 625 00:23:23,330 --> 00:23:25,090 The Gordon Ford Show. 626 00:23:25,290 --> 00:23:27,140 Yes, he's quit smoking. 627 00:23:27,330 --> 00:23:28,640 Well, we're spreading the word now, 628 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:30,850 we weren't keeping it from you. 629 00:23:31,050 --> 00:23:33,980 Yes, we all have to quit smoking. 630 00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:35,940 Oh, hi, Midge. Susie, it's Midge. 631 00:23:36,140 --> 00:23:38,770 She sounds a little weird. 632 00:23:38,970 --> 00:23:40,070 How's it going, champ? 633 00:23:40,260 --> 00:23:42,940 Panic. I'm in a panic. Oh, boy. 634 00:23:43,140 --> 00:23:44,860 - Take a deep breath. - I'm hyperventilating. 635 00:23:45,060 --> 00:23:46,530 [Dinah] [over phone] Stick your head between your legs. 636 00:23:46,730 --> 00:23:47,950 Who is that? Dinah? 637 00:23:48,150 --> 00:23:49,910 - Or have a cigarette. - [groans] 638 00:23:50,110 --> 00:23:51,910 - [Susie] What is wrong with you? - Why didn't you tell me 639 00:23:52,110 --> 00:23:52,910 about 20 in one? 640 00:23:53,110 --> 00:23:54,620 I don't know. What is 20 in one? 641 00:23:54,820 --> 00:23:56,620 The head writer just sent us off to do 20 in one. 642 00:23:56,820 --> 00:23:59,790 It's 20 jokes in one hour, and that was eight minutes ago, 643 00:23:59,990 --> 00:24:03,000 so I've got... I'm so freaked out, I can't even do the math. 644 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,920 You've got 52 minutes to write 20 jokes. 645 00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:08,050 Quick math here, that's a joke every 2.6 minutes. Ha. 646 00:24:08,250 --> 00:24:09,800 - Finally using math. - Not helping. 647 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:11,430 And I'm assuming they need to be broadcast quality jokes. 648 00:24:11,630 --> 00:24:12,430 Each one a winner. 649 00:24:12,630 --> 00:24:14,270 Dinah, why are you on the phone? 650 00:24:14,470 --> 00:24:15,600 I got her on to listen and learn. 651 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:16,980 It's how all the big agencies do it. 652 00:24:17,180 --> 00:24:19,020 You're now down to a joke every 2.5 minutes. 653 00:24:19,220 --> 00:24:20,480 You're not supposed to talk, Dinah. 654 00:24:20,680 --> 00:24:22,190 I don't toss jokes off like that. 655 00:24:22,390 --> 00:24:24,530 They take time. I mold them, 656 00:24:24,730 --> 00:24:26,070 massage them, and now I'm just blanking, 657 00:24:26,270 --> 00:24:27,400 and the clock is ticking. 658 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:29,610 Well, let's prime the pump here, get the juices flowing. 659 00:24:29,810 --> 00:24:32,910 How about this? Uh, Washington Square Park isn't square, 660 00:24:33,110 --> 00:24:34,990 it's a rectangle, so they should change the name 661 00:24:35,190 --> 00:24:36,660 to Washington Rectangle Park. 662 00:24:36,860 --> 00:24:38,540 - Oh, that's cute. - That's a terrible joke. 663 00:24:38,740 --> 00:24:40,750 Yeah, well I'm not the fucking joke writer. You are. 664 00:24:40,950 --> 00:24:42,380 No, I'm not. I told you that. 665 00:24:42,580 --> 00:24:44,920 Well, you've got the job, so fake it till you make it. 666 00:24:45,120 --> 00:24:48,090 I should check my notebook. See if anything inspires me. 667 00:24:48,290 --> 00:24:50,470 All that matters is that Gordon Ford thinks you're funny. 668 00:24:50,670 --> 00:24:52,680 How's it going with him? You two bonding? 669 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:54,350 I haven't seen him. I think he's in a different part 670 00:24:54,550 --> 00:24:56,390 of the building. And was I supposed to have an office? 671 00:24:56,590 --> 00:24:57,770 Because I don't seem to have an office. 672 00:24:57,970 --> 00:24:58,770 I didn't think about that. 673 00:24:58,970 --> 00:25:00,060 Barely even have a chair, 674 00:25:00,260 --> 00:25:01,650 and I-I have no idea where the ladies' room is, 675 00:25:01,850 --> 00:25:03,150 and everyone seems to be talking in code, 676 00:25:03,350 --> 00:25:05,440 and Mike Carr wanted me to pass this on to you. 677 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:06,820 [Susie] I assume you're flipping me off. 678 00:25:07,020 --> 00:25:08,860 Both fingers. I got to go. 679 00:25:09,060 --> 00:25:11,450 Got to start thinking... writing. Goodbye. 680 00:25:11,650 --> 00:25:13,660 [phone rings] 681 00:25:13,860 --> 00:25:15,410 - [woman] Gordon Ford Show. - [sighs] 682 00:25:15,610 --> 00:25:17,540 I really loved him. 683 00:25:17,740 --> 00:25:18,830 He's the one I miss. 684 00:25:19,030 --> 00:25:20,710 How did your second husband die? 685 00:25:20,910 --> 00:25:22,710 Well, it was the darndest thing. 686 00:25:22,910 --> 00:25:24,460 It was winter, and he was walking down the street 687 00:25:24,660 --> 00:25:26,460 - when he slipped on ice. - Oh, my God. 688 00:25:26,660 --> 00:25:29,260 It gets worse. The street was on a hill, 689 00:25:29,460 --> 00:25:31,050 and he slid all the way down where these men 690 00:25:31,250 --> 00:25:32,930 - were running a wood chipper. - Oh, my God. 691 00:25:33,130 --> 00:25:35,720 It gets worse. Rose, where are you going? 692 00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:38,310 [overlapping chatter] 693 00:25:38,510 --> 00:25:40,810 Oh, no. Oh, my God. 694 00:25:41,010 --> 00:25:42,650 - What happened? - A fire happened, lady. 695 00:25:42,850 --> 00:25:43,690 Now, please, back away. 696 00:25:43,890 --> 00:25:45,650 - But how? - Could be electrical, 697 00:25:45,850 --> 00:25:46,770 could be arson, we don't know yet. 698 00:25:46,970 --> 00:25:47,980 Arson... 699 00:25:48,180 --> 00:25:49,990 This is too much. 700 00:25:50,190 --> 00:25:51,650 This is too damn much. 701 00:25:51,850 --> 00:25:53,740 What is, Rose? What's too damn much? 702 00:25:53,940 --> 00:25:56,220 My tearoom. 703 00:25:58,590 --> 00:26:00,370 [whistle blows] 704 00:26:00,570 --> 00:26:03,540 [woman] Mr. Carr, Florence on 2. 705 00:26:03,740 --> 00:26:05,600 [boxing bell clangs] 706 00:26:10,610 --> 00:26:12,470 [Adam] I think that was just 59 minutes. 707 00:26:12,670 --> 00:26:14,890 Shut up. All right, Mel, you look smug 708 00:26:15,090 --> 00:26:17,260 and self-satisfied. Start us off. 709 00:26:17,460 --> 00:26:19,470 [Mel] "Last week marked the Broadway debut of Camelot 710 00:26:19,670 --> 00:26:20,730 and the off-Broadway debut of Cam-A-Little." 711 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:21,980 - [laughter] - Put it in the maybes. 712 00:26:22,180 --> 00:26:23,100 - Adam? - Uh... 713 00:26:23,300 --> 00:26:24,150 "It's that time of year, 714 00:26:24,350 --> 00:26:25,560 kids are writing letters to Santa." 715 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:26,650 He doesn't like Santa jokes. 716 00:26:26,850 --> 00:26:28,110 Can I finish? 717 00:26:28,310 --> 00:26:29,860 "Isn't the faith of a child amazing? 718 00:26:30,060 --> 00:26:31,900 To believe that Santa Claus will come down your chimney 719 00:26:32,100 --> 00:26:34,240 with presents, even after seeing him hungover at Macy's." 720 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:36,240 - He doesn't like Santa jokes. - Shit. 721 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:38,580 - [Alvin] Ralphy? - Skipping over my Santa jokes. 722 00:26:38,780 --> 00:26:40,910 Uh, "So, you may have heard that NASA is planning 723 00:26:41,110 --> 00:26:42,540 to send a chimp into space. 724 00:26:42,740 --> 00:26:44,500 They wanted to send a chump, but Jerry Lewis 725 00:26:44,700 --> 00:26:46,960 and my producer George refused to go." 726 00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:48,500 Run it by George, see if it bothers him. 727 00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:50,170 They need to cut to a shot of him. Cecil? 728 00:26:50,370 --> 00:26:52,720 - I miss Nixon. - [laughter] 729 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,010 - And? - Oh, that's it, that's all I got. 730 00:26:55,210 --> 00:26:57,760 Astounding professionalism, Cess. I'll get back to you. 731 00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,310 New girl? 732 00:26:59,510 --> 00:27:01,180 Oh, uh... that's me. 733 00:27:01,380 --> 00:27:02,390 Only one with girl parts in the room. 734 00:27:02,590 --> 00:27:03,600 Don't make assumptions. 735 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:04,730 "There's an old saying, 736 00:27:04,930 --> 00:27:06,230 - if you ever need someone to..." - [door closes] 737 00:27:06,430 --> 00:27:07,360 ♪ Over hill, over dale ♪ 738 00:27:07,550 --> 00:27:09,150 ♪ As we hit the dusty trail ♪ 739 00:27:09,350 --> 00:27:10,320 ♪ And the caissons ♪ 740 00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:12,740 ♪ Go rolling along... 741 00:27:12,940 --> 00:27:15,700 When someone hits the john, we do this to cover the sound. 742 00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:17,160 - Got it. - [toilet flushing] 743 00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:20,080 ♪ And the caissons go rolling along ♪ 744 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:22,750 ♪ Then it's hi, hi, hee, in the ♪ 745 00:27:22,950 --> 00:27:24,540 - ♪ Field artillery ♪♪ - [clears throat] 746 00:27:24,740 --> 00:27:25,540 [singing dies down] 747 00:27:25,740 --> 00:27:27,290 - [Alvin] Where were we? - The girl. 748 00:27:27,490 --> 00:27:28,540 - That's me. - [Alvin] Go ahead. 749 00:27:28,740 --> 00:27:31,300 Okay. "So, there's an old saying..." 750 00:27:31,500 --> 00:27:33,340 ♪ Over hill, over dale ♪ 751 00:27:33,540 --> 00:27:34,800 ♪ As we hit the dusty trail ♪ 752 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:36,220 ♪ And the caissons ♪ 753 00:27:36,420 --> 00:27:38,890 ♪ Go rolling along ♪♪ 754 00:27:39,090 --> 00:27:41,180 - [laughter] - Amanuensis! 755 00:27:41,380 --> 00:27:44,640 - [writers] Amanuensis! - Coming! 756 00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:46,190 Type 'em up and get 'em to Gordon. 757 00:27:46,390 --> 00:27:48,000 - Got it. - That's lunch. 758 00:27:50,290 --> 00:27:51,270 Where you going? 759 00:27:51,470 --> 00:27:53,610 - Chinese. - Pass. - So, Alvin, none 760 00:27:53,810 --> 00:27:55,250 of my jokes got into... 761 00:27:56,670 --> 00:27:58,780 ♪ Over hill, over dale, we will ♪ 762 00:27:58,980 --> 00:28:00,620 - ♪ Hit the dusty trail ♪♪ - This is my office. 763 00:28:00,820 --> 00:28:02,700 Right, sorry. 764 00:28:02,900 --> 00:28:04,850 [♪ John Raitt: "A New Town Is a Blue Town"] 765 00:28:06,350 --> 00:28:09,290 ♪ A new town ♪ 766 00:28:09,490 --> 00:28:12,500 ♪ Is a blue town ♪ 767 00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:14,010 ♪ A "who do you know" and ♪ 768 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,180 ♪ "Show me what you can do" town ♪ 769 00:28:17,370 --> 00:28:20,300 ♪ There's no red carpet at your feet ♪ 770 00:28:20,500 --> 00:28:22,260 ♪ If you're not tough ♪ 771 00:28:22,460 --> 00:28:24,850 ♪ They'll try to beat you down ♪ 772 00:28:25,050 --> 00:28:29,560 ♪ In a new blue town ♪ 773 00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:32,770 ♪ New blue town ♪♪ 774 00:28:32,970 --> 00:28:33,980 - [Terrence] Abe. - [Abe] Hello, Terrence. 775 00:28:34,180 --> 00:28:35,490 - [sneezes] - Gesundheit. 776 00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:38,110 Thank you. You should probably be getting to your lunch. 777 00:28:38,310 --> 00:28:40,110 Oh, dear, I lost track of the time. 778 00:28:40,310 --> 00:28:41,820 - [sneezes] - Gesundheit. 779 00:28:42,020 --> 00:28:43,790 I'd go, but this damn cold. 780 00:28:43,980 --> 00:28:46,040 Maury downstairs has a really bad cold, too. 781 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:48,660 Anything specific you want me to discuss with her, or... 782 00:28:48,860 --> 00:28:50,210 It's just a "get to know you" lunch. 783 00:28:50,410 --> 00:28:52,040 She'll talk up some things she wants to bring to New York, 784 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:55,210 bend your ear a little bit. She liked your review, too. 785 00:28:55,410 --> 00:28:56,710 - [sneezes] - Gesundheit. 786 00:28:56,910 --> 00:28:58,010 - Thank you. - Which one? 787 00:28:58,210 --> 00:29:00,180 That comedy she transferred from the West End. 788 00:29:00,380 --> 00:29:01,470 A Pudding for Nigel. 789 00:29:01,670 --> 00:29:02,970 Oh, that was wonderful. 790 00:29:03,170 --> 00:29:04,350 I did pick at it a little bit. 791 00:29:04,550 --> 00:29:06,560 And she made changes based on your criticism. 792 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:08,730 Said they made it so much... 793 00:29:08,930 --> 00:29:10,650 so much... [heavy breathing] 794 00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:12,230 Let's go with "better." 795 00:29:12,430 --> 00:29:13,770 Penelope is a true Brit. 796 00:29:13,970 --> 00:29:15,820 Her father owns six newspapers, her mother is a baroness, 797 00:29:16,020 --> 00:29:17,690 they're very chummy with the Royals. 798 00:29:17,890 --> 00:29:19,070 - Wow. - She'll tell you stories. 799 00:29:19,270 --> 00:29:21,530 - Great stories. It'll be fun. - I'll report back. 800 00:29:21,730 --> 00:29:23,950 And the Voice pays for lunch. We take no favors. 801 00:29:24,150 --> 00:29:26,080 - [Abe] Got it. - [sneezes] 802 00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:28,080 I was going to say "better." 803 00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:29,910 We figured. 804 00:29:30,110 --> 00:29:32,060 [piano playing] 805 00:29:45,820 --> 00:29:46,810 [Mike] Francie. 806 00:29:47,010 --> 00:29:50,140 Double, triple, quadruple-check this. 807 00:29:50,340 --> 00:29:52,440 If they crap out again, we find a new car service. 808 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:54,980 - How was your morning? - [sighs] Really? 809 00:29:55,180 --> 00:29:57,820 Just trying to break the ice. I gave Susie your message. 810 00:29:58,020 --> 00:30:00,530 Well, there he is, spectacularly late, 811 00:30:00,730 --> 00:30:02,610 as always. Harassing the staff. 812 00:30:02,810 --> 00:30:04,990 - Oh, he's in fine form. - [Midge] Who is that? 813 00:30:05,190 --> 00:30:07,120 That is George Toledano, 814 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:09,500 venerated producer of The Gordon Ford Show. 815 00:30:09,700 --> 00:30:12,250 Oh. I've been hearing about him. Would you mind introducing us? 816 00:30:12,450 --> 00:30:13,880 I want him to die. 817 00:30:14,070 --> 00:30:16,420 - So, I should introduce myself? - A long, 818 00:30:16,620 --> 00:30:18,420 painful death. I want him to fall off 819 00:30:18,620 --> 00:30:20,720 that stupid tiny dinghy he calls a yacht, 820 00:30:20,910 --> 00:30:22,090 but I don't want him to drown. 821 00:30:22,290 --> 00:30:23,930 I want him to float 822 00:30:24,130 --> 00:30:25,890 on a splintery piece of driftwood. 823 00:30:26,090 --> 00:30:28,890 That asinine, condescending, supercilious... 824 00:30:29,090 --> 00:30:30,560 George. How are you today? 825 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:33,100 Mikey, my boy. How's it going, old sport? 826 00:30:33,300 --> 00:30:35,350 Oh, you know, George, same old, same old. 827 00:30:35,550 --> 00:30:37,570 I don't believe I've met this sight for sore eyes. 828 00:30:37,760 --> 00:30:39,480 I'm a new writer, sir. Midge Maisel. 829 00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:41,610 I heard we had a lady writer coming aboard. 830 00:30:41,810 --> 00:30:43,860 Nice to meet you. And call me George. 831 00:30:44,060 --> 00:30:45,360 You can call me George, too. 832 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,160 [laughs] Funny. I like that. 833 00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:48,620 You must know Madelyn Pugh. 834 00:30:48,820 --> 00:30:50,330 I don't think so. 835 00:30:50,530 --> 00:30:52,620 Wrote for I Love Lucy? Funny lady. 836 00:30:52,820 --> 00:30:54,960 How about, uh, Nancy Clark? Writes for The Ann Sothern Show. 837 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:56,790 Oh, she doesn't know every lady writer, George. 838 00:30:56,990 --> 00:30:59,500 - Nice to have you here. - Thank you. 839 00:30:59,700 --> 00:31:01,090 - Nice boat shoes. - Ooh. 840 00:31:01,290 --> 00:31:03,130 You certainly beautify the place. 841 00:31:03,330 --> 00:31:05,530 I can cancel those new plants I ordered. 842 00:31:07,110 --> 00:31:10,140 He gets kissy at parties, so watch yourself. 843 00:31:10,340 --> 00:31:12,140 - Thanks for the warning. - [Gordon] Goddamn it. 844 00:31:12,340 --> 00:31:14,140 [door slams shut] 845 00:31:14,340 --> 00:31:16,410 [Gordon] Goddamn writers handing me this crap. 846 00:31:17,910 --> 00:31:20,900 [groaning] 847 00:31:21,100 --> 00:31:22,530 Can we just toss cigarettes at him? 848 00:31:22,730 --> 00:31:24,990 - Lit? - That's a fire hazard. 849 00:31:25,190 --> 00:31:26,610 Back to the drawing board, fellas. 850 00:31:26,810 --> 00:31:27,700 [Alvin] Let's assemble. 851 00:31:27,900 --> 00:31:29,160 [George] They'll get us there, Gordy. 852 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:30,830 - They always do. - [door closes] 853 00:31:31,030 --> 00:31:33,300 - Unbelievable. - Wow. - God. [sighs] 854 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:36,040 So, what's the deal? 855 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:38,040 He wants them shorter and not topical. 856 00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:39,040 Now he tells us. 857 00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:40,420 [Adam] Wasted the whole morning. 858 00:31:40,620 --> 00:31:42,310 [Alvin] Until the bell, guys. 20 in one. 859 00:31:44,110 --> 00:31:46,430 - [Mel] I need coffee. - [Alvin] Trudy, coffee run. - [sighs] 860 00:31:46,630 --> 00:31:49,760 Everything shut down during the war. The arts were decimated. 861 00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:51,140 Were you there the whole time? 862 00:31:51,340 --> 00:31:52,970 I was in London during the Blitz. 863 00:31:53,170 --> 00:31:54,350 I saw the German Luftwaffe 864 00:31:54,550 --> 00:31:55,810 flying through the air. 865 00:31:56,010 --> 00:31:57,980 My grandmother's house in Mayfair was bombed. 866 00:31:58,180 --> 00:31:59,980 - My God. - She lived, 867 00:32:00,180 --> 00:32:01,110 but we thought the world had ended. 868 00:32:01,310 --> 00:32:02,400 [sighs] 869 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:04,990 Then, in '44, Larry did Richard the Third. 870 00:32:05,190 --> 00:32:06,360 - Larry? - Olivier. 871 00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:07,860 - Ah. - I sat in the front row, 872 00:32:08,060 --> 00:32:11,700 and, I don't know, my faith in mankind was restored. 873 00:32:11,900 --> 00:32:13,660 - I knew that we could beat Hitler. - That's wonderful. 874 00:32:13,860 --> 00:32:14,830 Then I slept with Larry. 875 00:32:15,030 --> 00:32:16,660 That's better than sleeping with Hitler. 876 00:32:16,860 --> 00:32:19,250 I know it sounds silly, but that helped restore my faith, too. 877 00:32:19,450 --> 00:32:21,460 - Mm. - Our île flottante, 878 00:32:21,660 --> 00:32:23,630 - and it's on the house. - Darling boy, thank you. 879 00:32:23,830 --> 00:32:25,720 - L'addition, s'il vous plait? - Right away. 880 00:32:25,910 --> 00:32:27,720 Abraham, I'll leave you with this, 881 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:29,090 Harold Pinter. 882 00:32:29,290 --> 00:32:31,100 I'm bringing The Birthday Party here in spring, 883 00:32:31,290 --> 00:32:33,470 - and I want you to see it. - I'd love to. 884 00:32:33,670 --> 00:32:36,430 He's not for everybody, but I think he's a mad genius, 885 00:32:36,630 --> 00:32:39,520 and he's only 30, such a young, virile age. 886 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:41,110 The Nobel is in his future. 887 00:32:41,300 --> 00:32:42,980 - I'll be there. - Music to my ears. 888 00:32:43,180 --> 00:32:45,690 Oh, dear, it's so much later than I thought. 889 00:32:45,890 --> 00:32:48,490 Ah, this is on the Voice. 890 00:32:48,690 --> 00:32:50,280 So kind. 891 00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:53,160 I should bring my wife here. She'd love this place. 892 00:32:53,360 --> 00:32:54,620 She's such a Francophile. 893 00:32:54,820 --> 00:32:56,370 - My husband is French. - Ah. 894 00:32:56,570 --> 00:32:59,420 They should meet. Now, I'm so sorry, I have to dash. 895 00:32:59,610 --> 00:33:01,380 More île flottante pour moi. 896 00:33:01,580 --> 00:33:05,050 [laughs] If I had known I'd be dining with such a charming man, 897 00:33:05,250 --> 00:33:06,710 I'd have scheduled time to linger. 898 00:33:06,910 --> 00:33:09,480 Next time I won't make that mistake. 899 00:33:13,280 --> 00:33:14,760 {\an8}This... 900 00:33:14,960 --> 00:33:16,430 {\an8}this wallet 901 00:33:16,630 --> 00:33:18,100 {\an8}is so old. 902 00:33:18,300 --> 00:33:19,480 {\an8}I really need 903 00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:20,980 {\an8}change it out. 904 00:33:21,180 --> 00:33:23,060 I'm trying to 905 00:33:23,260 --> 00:33:26,730 remember how old it is. Maybe seven, eight years. 906 00:33:26,930 --> 00:33:29,700 You don't think to change your wallet till you get one 907 00:33:29,900 --> 00:33:32,030 as a gift, but if you don't get one as a gift, 908 00:33:32,230 --> 00:33:33,950 you never change your wallet. 909 00:33:34,150 --> 00:33:36,370 - How are you liking it? - Liking what? 910 00:33:36,570 --> 00:33:37,910 The, uh, dessert? 911 00:33:38,110 --> 00:33:40,160 Ah, it's... it's... 912 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:42,330 ve-ve-very-very good, very fine. Here. 913 00:33:42,530 --> 00:33:44,340 - Ah. Merci. - Here. 914 00:33:44,530 --> 00:33:45,920 You are silly. 915 00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:48,670 At times, yes, but at other times 916 00:33:48,870 --> 00:33:51,630 I'm more... dramatic, 917 00:33:51,830 --> 00:33:54,890 like Olivier, or not Olivier, I'm nothing like Olivier. 918 00:33:55,090 --> 00:33:56,720 I'm more like... 919 00:33:56,920 --> 00:33:58,930 Buster Keaton, 920 00:33:59,130 --> 00:34:01,140 just a big, old, 921 00:34:01,340 --> 00:34:04,230 sad, floppy clown boy. 922 00:34:04,430 --> 00:34:06,520 Sweet. 923 00:34:06,720 --> 00:34:09,170 Till next time. 924 00:34:12,550 --> 00:34:14,550 [bell rings] 925 00:34:16,180 --> 00:34:18,120 They've been gone a long time. That's a good sign, right? 926 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:19,700 Not necessarily. Last Tuesday? 927 00:34:19,900 --> 00:34:21,290 We almost didn't make it to air. 928 00:34:21,490 --> 00:34:23,120 - Should I get my typewriter? - Do not get your typewriter. 929 00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:25,130 - What are we waiting for? - The verdict from rehearsal. 930 00:34:25,330 --> 00:34:26,710 [Mel] Here they come. Duck and cover. 931 00:34:26,910 --> 00:34:28,710 - Ah, hell. - Goddamn it, Teddy. 932 00:34:28,910 --> 00:34:30,840 - I love you guys, too. - What happened? 933 00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:33,090 He's the cue card guy. Means the monologue's not locked. 934 00:34:33,290 --> 00:34:35,010 - Should I get my typewriter? - Do not get your typewriter. 935 00:34:35,210 --> 00:34:36,430 - What's left? - Zip. 936 00:34:36,630 --> 00:34:38,180 - He threw the entire thing out. - [Adam] Holy shit. 937 00:34:38,380 --> 00:34:39,520 It's one hour to show. 938 00:34:39,710 --> 00:34:40,730 Should've gotten my typewriter. 939 00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:41,930 Definitely. 940 00:34:42,130 --> 00:34:43,310 I know it's disappointing, gang, 941 00:34:43,510 --> 00:34:45,020 but ours is not to reason why, 942 00:34:45,220 --> 00:34:47,230 ours is but to write new jokes or die. 943 00:34:47,430 --> 00:34:51,240 Now, I've got to go say hello to Angie Dickinson. 944 00:34:51,430 --> 00:34:53,820 Poor me. [laughs] 945 00:34:54,020 --> 00:34:57,030 Okay, guys, lightning round. Old, new, whatever you got. 946 00:34:57,230 --> 00:34:58,580 Oh, shit. 947 00:34:58,780 --> 00:34:59,950 - Trudy, hustle. - [Trudy] I'm already in. 948 00:35:00,150 --> 00:35:01,500 Gordon wants 'em topical. 949 00:35:01,700 --> 00:35:03,040 You said before he wanted 'em not topical. 950 00:35:03,240 --> 00:35:05,710 Gordon is large, he contains multitudes. Ralphy? 951 00:35:05,910 --> 00:35:07,840 Uh, topical, topical... 952 00:35:08,030 --> 00:35:10,420 Uh, "Emily Post died, so now no one knows 953 00:35:10,620 --> 00:35:12,300 the proper etiquette to send their condolences." 954 00:35:12,500 --> 00:35:13,880 - [laughter] - [Alvin] Not bad. Get it down. Cess? 955 00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:16,260 Uh, "I went to the premiere of a French film the other day. 956 00:35:16,460 --> 00:35:18,640 It's called Le Hau-hau-hau-hau-hauuu." 957 00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:20,810 - [laughter] - "Translates roughly into English as 958 00:35:21,010 --> 00:35:22,390 Le Hau-hau-hau-hau-hauuu." 959 00:35:22,590 --> 00:35:24,600 Not bad. We should follow it up with something. Mel? 960 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:26,900 "Ben-Hur, if he's a him, what's with the Hur?" 961 00:35:27,100 --> 00:35:28,900 - [Alvin] Pass. Adam? - [Adam] Uh, "Some sad news, 962 00:35:29,100 --> 00:35:31,320 Clark Gable passed away. He's survived by his wife, 963 00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:32,610 his children and his mustache." 964 00:35:32,810 --> 00:35:34,650 He loved Gable. Put it in. Who else? 965 00:35:34,850 --> 00:35:38,240 Uh, well, I worked on some new stuff during rehearsal. 966 00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:40,030 - You what? - [groans] Jesus. 967 00:35:40,230 --> 00:35:41,910 - I worked on some new stuff. - [Mel] She jinxed it. 968 00:35:42,110 --> 00:35:43,540 - You jinxed it. - Jinxed what? 969 00:35:43,740 --> 00:35:45,410 We never work on new stuff during rehearsal, 970 00:35:45,610 --> 00:35:47,370 - ever. - What? Why? 971 00:35:47,570 --> 00:35:49,710 It guarantees that Gordon's gonna throw everything out. 972 00:35:49,910 --> 00:35:52,090 I'm sorry, Gordon somehow knew I was sitting in a bathroom 973 00:35:52,290 --> 00:35:53,550 stall jotting down jokes? 974 00:35:53,750 --> 00:35:55,470 That's why he threw out the script? Is he omniscient? 975 00:35:55,670 --> 00:35:56,760 If anyone is... 976 00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,140 Let the girl pitch. Go on, Midge. 977 00:35:59,340 --> 00:36:00,600 Thank you, Alvin. 978 00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:03,270 "The Unsinkable Molly Brown 979 00:36:03,470 --> 00:36:04,480 is a new show on Broadway. 980 00:36:04,670 --> 00:36:05,600 I heard that the ushers are seating 981 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:07,440 women and children first." 982 00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:09,480 She was on the Titanic. 983 00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:11,070 He nixed a Molly Brown joke last week. 984 00:36:11,260 --> 00:36:12,270 - Mine. - [Alvin] Got another? 985 00:36:12,470 --> 00:36:14,150 Yeah, um... 986 00:36:14,350 --> 00:36:17,360 "There's gonna be a baby in the White House, little JFK Jr. 987 00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:18,610 It'll be a clean transition. 988 00:36:18,810 --> 00:36:19,780 White House staff already learned 989 00:36:19,980 --> 00:36:21,620 how to change diapers with Eisenhower." 990 00:36:21,820 --> 00:36:23,240 "A" for effort. Cess? 991 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:25,410 - Oh, now wait a minute. - Yeah? 992 00:36:25,610 --> 00:36:27,330 I'm sorry, but that last one was funny. 993 00:36:27,530 --> 00:36:29,290 - No, it wasn't. - Yes, it was. 994 00:36:29,490 --> 00:36:31,380 - No one laughed. - I think the audience would, 995 00:36:31,580 --> 00:36:32,630 and it's topical, he wants topical. 996 00:36:32,830 --> 00:36:33,880 A joke is not funny 997 00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:35,170 just because you say it's funny. 998 00:36:35,370 --> 00:36:37,170 No, it's not funny because I say it's funny. 999 00:36:37,370 --> 00:36:38,550 It's funny because it's funny. 1000 00:36:38,750 --> 00:36:40,470 - And you know funny? - Yeah, I know funny. 1001 00:36:40,670 --> 00:36:42,180 Great. Alvin, put my Ben-Hur joke in 1002 00:36:42,380 --> 00:36:43,930 because I know funny, and I think it's funny. 1003 00:36:44,130 --> 00:36:45,600 - Mel... - Your Ben-Hur joke was not funny. 1004 00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:48,060 - Oh, really? - Or topical or fresh. 1005 00:36:48,260 --> 00:36:50,860 Wasn't even funny when I heard Jack Paar do it two weeks ago. 1006 00:36:51,050 --> 00:36:52,230 - [others] Oh! - Alvin. 1007 00:36:52,430 --> 00:36:54,570 We have no time for this. Sorry. Cess, go. 1008 00:36:54,770 --> 00:36:56,070 Okay, uh... 1009 00:36:56,270 --> 00:36:57,320 "There's a commercial for dishwashing soap. 1010 00:36:57,520 --> 00:36:59,240 - Any of you see it?" - I bet she did. 1011 00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:00,780 [others laugh and groan] 1012 00:37:00,980 --> 00:37:03,240 [woman] Hi, yes, he's expecting your call. 1013 00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:05,540 Abe, how was your meeting? [sneezes] 1014 00:37:05,740 --> 00:37:07,410 Cover your goddamn mouth, Terrence. 1015 00:37:07,610 --> 00:37:09,120 - [Terrence] That was harsh. - Gabe, Gabe. 1016 00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:11,540 - Abe, you okay? - I've got a question, 1017 00:37:11,740 --> 00:37:13,840 and be honest because 1018 00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:16,050 I don't know all the intricacies 1019 00:37:16,250 --> 00:37:17,760 of New York theater customs... 1020 00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:19,590 Okay. 1021 00:37:19,790 --> 00:37:22,930 {\an8}Is this sexual? 1022 00:37:23,130 --> 00:37:24,760 So many thoughts 1023 00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:26,220 running through my mind right now, Abe. 1024 00:37:26,420 --> 00:37:28,390 - You're wondering why I'm asking. - Very much. 1025 00:37:28,590 --> 00:37:30,480 At my lunch with Penelope, 1026 00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:32,350 it was all going so smoothly. 1027 00:37:32,550 --> 00:37:35,860 We talked about theater and criticism and the war. 1028 00:37:36,060 --> 00:37:39,280 {\an8}Then she did this with her hand, 1029 00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:41,070 {\an8}- and it felt... - Sexual? 1030 00:37:41,270 --> 00:37:42,620 {\an8}- Yes. - That's because it is. 1031 00:37:42,810 --> 00:37:44,910 {\an8}I knew it. 1032 00:37:45,110 --> 00:37:47,080 {\an8}So, it was a sexualized gesture. 1033 00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:48,620 {\an8}One of the oldest. 1034 00:37:48,820 --> 00:37:51,750 {\an8}- You can remove your hand now. - [sighs] 1035 00:37:51,950 --> 00:37:53,330 I don't get it. 1036 00:37:53,530 --> 00:37:55,040 I don't get it. It was lunch. 1037 00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:56,420 [Gabe] So? 1038 00:37:56,620 --> 00:37:59,300 Nothing sexual happens before 7:00 in the evening, 1039 00:37:59,500 --> 00:38:01,050 6:30 at the earliest. 1040 00:38:01,250 --> 00:38:04,760 Never at 1:42 in the afternoon on a Monday. 1041 00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:07,010 I am learning a lot about you today. 1042 00:38:07,210 --> 00:38:09,600 I've been racking my brain, trying to think if I said 1043 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,140 something that gave her the wrong impression. 1044 00:38:12,340 --> 00:38:14,900 Was I too kind to A Pudding for Nigel? 1045 00:38:15,100 --> 00:38:16,020 Is that all it takes? 1046 00:38:16,220 --> 00:38:17,150 That, and a hearty Bordeaux. 1047 00:38:17,350 --> 00:38:18,230 How did you know we had wine? 1048 00:38:18,430 --> 00:38:19,690 Because you smell like wine. 1049 00:38:19,890 --> 00:38:21,490 Oh, my God, we had wine. 1050 00:38:21,690 --> 00:38:23,030 You know, she's never made a pass at me. Terrence, 1051 00:38:23,230 --> 00:38:24,320 has Penelope ever made a pass at you? 1052 00:38:24,520 --> 00:38:26,240 Uh-uh. She knows I'm a homosexual. 1053 00:38:26,440 --> 00:38:28,330 - What? Since when? - Since birth, probably. 1054 00:38:28,530 --> 00:38:30,370 - But you're married. - Oh, I left my wife years ago. 1055 00:38:30,570 --> 00:38:31,370 I live with Maury now. 1056 00:38:31,570 --> 00:38:32,960 From accounting? With the cold. 1057 00:38:33,160 --> 00:38:34,380 Terrence, we need to talk more. 1058 00:38:34,570 --> 00:38:36,790 Gabe, what do I tell my wife? 1059 00:38:36,990 --> 00:38:40,210 - Your wife? - Yes, my wife. 1060 00:38:40,410 --> 00:38:41,590 Nothing. 1061 00:38:41,790 --> 00:38:43,680 - Abe, nothing happened. - Nothing happened, 1062 00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:45,220 but something happened. 1063 00:38:45,420 --> 00:38:47,010 But nothing happened. 1064 00:38:47,210 --> 00:38:49,010 She'll know. She'll sense it. 1065 00:38:49,210 --> 00:38:52,100 Abe, do not tell her about Penelope. 1066 00:38:52,300 --> 00:38:54,270 About you and me just now, yes, but not her, 1067 00:38:54,470 --> 00:38:56,440 and I promise never to put you in that position again. 1068 00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:57,440 You are too tempting. 1069 00:38:57,640 --> 00:38:58,770 Gabe. 1070 00:38:58,970 --> 00:39:01,190 - It's all in the past. - Maybe. 1071 00:39:01,390 --> 00:39:02,740 It's in the past. Say it with me. 1072 00:39:02,940 --> 00:39:04,700 [both] It's in the past. 1073 00:39:04,900 --> 00:39:06,660 Good. 1074 00:39:06,860 --> 00:39:09,280 - Wasn't Maury married? - He lived with his sister. 1075 00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:12,550 That was his sister? I am so out of the loop. 1076 00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:16,330 - [door opens] - He's on the move! 1077 00:39:16,530 --> 00:39:17,880 - He's on the move. - He's on the move. 1078 00:39:18,080 --> 00:39:19,550 - He's on the move. - [bell rings] - Where's Adam? 1079 00:39:19,740 --> 00:39:21,630 - [Mel] Yeah, where is Adam? - It's showtime. 1080 00:39:21,830 --> 00:39:23,170 I was saying hi to my parents. 1081 00:39:23,370 --> 00:39:25,180 - [Mel] What are you, 14? - [overlapping chatter] 1082 00:39:25,380 --> 00:39:26,550 [stage manager] Keep the aisles clear. 1083 00:39:26,750 --> 00:39:29,430 And if you do have to leave, please do so quietly. 1084 00:39:29,630 --> 00:39:32,020 Emergency exit doors are on both sides in the back. 1085 00:39:32,220 --> 00:39:33,930 Other than that, make a lot of noise 1086 00:39:34,130 --> 00:39:36,350 - when it comes to showing Gordon you are happy to be here. - [audience applauds] 1087 00:39:36,550 --> 00:39:38,150 - Do we have a monologue? - No idea. 1088 00:39:38,350 --> 00:39:40,520 [stage manager] You sound like a great audience, guys. Feel free 1089 00:39:40,720 --> 00:39:42,110 to laugh at anything you find funny, 1090 00:39:42,310 --> 00:39:43,610 and applaud when we light the sign. 1091 00:39:43,810 --> 00:39:46,280 [audience cheers and applauds] 1092 00:39:46,480 --> 00:39:50,120 Whoa. Whoa. 1093 00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:51,740 We didn't even light the sign. 1094 00:39:51,940 --> 00:39:54,250 - You're already disobeying orders. - [audience laughs] 1095 00:39:54,450 --> 00:39:55,910 We got a great show tonight. See you in a minute. 1096 00:39:56,110 --> 00:39:58,130 [audience cheers, applause] 1097 00:39:58,320 --> 00:40:02,090 Okay, so let's do Clark Gable, Emily Post, the NASA joke, 1098 00:40:02,290 --> 00:40:03,760 the automat joke that we dropped on Friday-- 1099 00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:05,720 put that next to last-- and did the Dennis the Red Menace thing 1100 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:07,380 - make it past the censors? - They didn't flag it. 1101 00:40:07,580 --> 00:40:08,470 We're basically saying the kid's a communist. 1102 00:40:08,670 --> 00:40:09,470 They didn't flag it. 1103 00:40:09,670 --> 00:40:10,970 Put it in. And I'll throw in a riff 1104 00:40:11,170 --> 00:40:12,930 about the hat on the lady in the second row. She wore that thing 1105 00:40:13,130 --> 00:40:14,520 - to be noticed. - You got it, boss. 1106 00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:15,850 - Teddy? - I thrive on this. 1107 00:40:16,050 --> 00:40:16,890 Good man. 1108 00:40:17,090 --> 00:40:18,440 The cavalry comes through again. 1109 00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:19,440 [Midge] Wow. 1110 00:40:19,640 --> 00:40:20,770 Right down to the wire. 1111 00:40:20,970 --> 00:40:22,110 He keeps us on our toes. 1112 00:40:22,310 --> 00:40:23,530 [stage manager] Places, everyone. 1113 00:40:23,730 --> 00:40:25,240 - Places, everyone. - [bell rings] 1114 00:40:25,440 --> 00:40:26,740 Sorry about before. 1115 00:40:26,940 --> 00:40:30,030 I checked with a friend, Paar did do that joke. Fuck me. 1116 00:40:30,230 --> 00:40:32,370 Hey, Teddy, you posing for the Kama Sutra? 1117 00:40:32,570 --> 00:40:33,700 - [laughter] - [Teddy] Up yours, Mel. 1118 00:40:33,900 --> 00:40:35,080 - [theme music playing] - Ladies and gentlemen, 1119 00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:37,870 it's The Gordon Ford Show! 1120 00:40:38,070 --> 00:40:39,040 [cheering and applause] 1121 00:40:39,240 --> 00:40:42,340 Tonight's guests: Angie Dickinson, 1122 00:40:42,540 --> 00:40:45,460 Steve Lawrence, and novelist Ray Bradbury. 1123 00:40:45,660 --> 00:40:47,050 Now here's your host, 1124 00:40:47,250 --> 00:40:49,760 Gordon Ford! 1125 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:51,900 [audience cheering] 1126 00:40:55,490 --> 00:40:56,520 - [music ends] - [chuckles] 1127 00:40:56,720 --> 00:40:58,480 Thanks, everyone. Thanks for coming out. 1128 00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:00,400 It's getting festive here in New York, isn't it? 1129 00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:02,020 With all the twinkling lights 1130 00:41:02,220 --> 00:41:03,610 and window displays and chestnuts 1131 00:41:03,810 --> 00:41:05,190 roasting over an open trash can fire. 1132 00:41:05,390 --> 00:41:06,940 - [laughter] - He doesn't like us in his eyeline. 1133 00:41:07,140 --> 00:41:08,610 [Gordon] It's a generous time of year. 1134 00:41:08,810 --> 00:41:10,570 - My mom looks so old. - [Gordon] A guy picked the wallet 1135 00:41:10,770 --> 00:41:12,660 right out of my pocket, gave it back to me gift-wrapped. 1136 00:41:12,860 --> 00:41:14,160 I mean it, it had a ribbon on it and everything. 1137 00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:16,250 George, you've had your pocket picked. 1138 00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:18,410 Did you ever get that original copy of the Magna Carta back? 1139 00:41:18,610 --> 00:41:19,870 [laughter] 1140 00:41:20,070 --> 00:41:21,330 I told you not to carry that thing around like that. 1141 00:41:21,530 --> 00:41:24,000 - More fool me. - [laughter] 1142 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:26,300 Of course, you've all heard the sad news, 1143 00:41:26,500 --> 00:41:28,510 - the great Clark Gable has passed away. - [audience] Aw... 1144 00:41:28,710 --> 00:41:30,180 [Gordon] He's survived by his wife, his children, 1145 00:41:30,380 --> 00:41:32,470 and his mustache. 1146 00:41:32,670 --> 00:41:35,390 Now, ma'am, is that a hat, or is your hair on fire? 1147 00:41:35,590 --> 00:41:36,680 [laughter] 1148 00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:38,600 [Gordon] 'Cause we can help you. We have firemen 1149 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:40,480 standing right outside. They can rush right in here, 1150 00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:42,370 hose you down real quick, free of charge. 1151 00:41:45,210 --> 00:41:47,900 How's Chaim? How's my baby boy? 1152 00:41:48,100 --> 00:41:49,110 [Noah] [over phone] Oh, he's just the greatest 1153 00:41:49,310 --> 00:41:50,570 little man on the planet. 1154 00:41:50,770 --> 00:41:51,610 You should have seen the other day, 1155 00:41:51,810 --> 00:41:52,950 he was playing with a basketball, 1156 00:41:53,150 --> 00:41:53,990 but he's so tiny, 1157 00:41:54,190 --> 00:41:55,410 he rolled right over the top of it 1158 00:41:55,610 --> 00:41:56,910 and did a complete somersault. 1159 00:41:57,110 --> 00:41:58,540 [chuckles] I wish I'd seen that. 1160 00:41:58,740 --> 00:42:00,540 The ball landed on top of him. He never let go of it. 1161 00:42:00,740 --> 00:42:01,580 It was too cute. 1162 00:42:01,780 --> 00:42:03,330 Noah, listen, I'm calling with a question, 1163 00:42:03,530 --> 00:42:04,670 then I'll let you go. 1164 00:42:04,870 --> 00:42:06,800 - Sure. - Could you order a quick raid on an enemy? 1165 00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:09,380 - Pardon? - I know the CIA 1166 00:42:09,580 --> 00:42:11,970 is very busy. I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. 1167 00:42:12,170 --> 00:42:15,050 Mom, what? I'm an analyst. I've told you a million times. 1168 00:42:15,250 --> 00:42:16,510 I wouldn't need to know the details. 1169 00:42:16,710 --> 00:42:17,680 I respect your privacy. 1170 00:42:17,880 --> 00:42:19,730 What enemy? What are you talking about? 1171 00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:23,440 It's this, uh, shall we say, "coterie" I'm dealing with. 1172 00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:26,570 I'm talking something fast, unexpected, but severe. 1173 00:42:26,760 --> 00:42:28,400 A very fast, hard attack. 1174 00:42:28,600 --> 00:42:30,860 Well, short answer, Ma, I cannot order a raid. 1175 00:42:31,060 --> 00:42:32,950 Well, can I speak to someone in the raid department, then? 1176 00:42:33,150 --> 00:42:34,200 You could just give me the number. 1177 00:42:34,400 --> 00:42:35,620 We don't have a raid department. 1178 00:42:35,820 --> 00:42:37,830 Ma, who the hell is this "coterie" you want to raid? 1179 00:42:38,030 --> 00:42:39,490 Just some women. 1180 00:42:39,690 --> 00:42:41,120 They meet occasionally in Coney Island, 1181 00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:42,710 and I just thought, if I knew they were there 1182 00:42:42,910 --> 00:42:45,080 at a specific time, you could firebomb it or something. 1183 00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:46,590 Ma, I'm at work. 1184 00:42:46,780 --> 00:42:48,130 Perfect, can you ask a colleague? 1185 00:42:48,330 --> 00:42:50,300 They sometimes monitor these calls, Ma. 1186 00:42:50,500 --> 00:42:51,880 We cannot talk about this. 1187 00:42:52,080 --> 00:42:53,760 Oh. Well, should I call back later? 1188 00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:55,390 We could use a code word. 1189 00:42:55,590 --> 00:42:57,640 - How about "flower girl"? - No! 1190 00:42:57,840 --> 00:43:00,060 Well, then should we meet in the park at dusk? 1191 00:43:00,260 --> 00:43:01,430 I read about spies doing that. 1192 00:43:01,630 --> 00:43:03,810 I really can't continue this conversation. 1193 00:43:04,010 --> 00:43:05,270 Oh, your father's home. 1194 00:43:05,470 --> 00:43:07,860 Abe, would you like to say hi to Noah? 1195 00:43:08,060 --> 00:43:09,150 Hi. [sighs] 1196 00:43:09,350 --> 00:43:10,650 Pop, what the hell is going on with... 1197 00:43:10,850 --> 00:43:12,420 - Abe? - Hi. 1198 00:43:13,920 --> 00:43:15,200 Are you all right? 1199 00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:17,620 Oh, I'm fine. Thank you. 1200 00:43:17,820 --> 00:43:19,790 How was your day? Did you 1201 00:43:19,980 --> 00:43:22,540 make some good matches at the tearoom? 1202 00:43:22,740 --> 00:43:25,170 Oh, yes. Yes, I, um, 1203 00:43:25,370 --> 00:43:27,000 went to the tearoom. 1204 00:43:27,200 --> 00:43:28,590 How was the tea? 1205 00:43:28,790 --> 00:43:31,210 It was very nice. 1206 00:43:31,410 --> 00:43:32,800 Corinne and I went there, 1207 00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:35,800 and it was exactly as it always is. 1208 00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:37,800 - Very nice. - That's nice. 1209 00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:39,720 Mm. Did you have a nice day? 1210 00:43:39,920 --> 00:43:43,390 Just a... typical, nice Monday. 1211 00:43:43,590 --> 00:43:46,770 Yeah, ate dessert at my desk, 1212 00:43:46,970 --> 00:43:49,190 typed some, the usual. 1213 00:43:49,390 --> 00:43:50,820 What did you have for dessert? 1214 00:43:51,020 --> 00:43:53,240 Did I say dessert? Lunch. 1215 00:43:53,430 --> 00:43:55,170 I ate lunch. 1216 00:43:59,420 --> 00:44:01,620 You want to go out to dinner? 1217 00:44:01,820 --> 00:44:04,500 Rose, that's awful. 1218 00:44:04,700 --> 00:44:07,370 I wasn't gonna tell you because I didn't want to worry you. 1219 00:44:07,570 --> 00:44:09,380 But it was just so upsetting, 1220 00:44:09,580 --> 00:44:11,040 watching the place burn like that. 1221 00:44:11,240 --> 00:44:14,010 And the smell, oolong and ash. 1222 00:44:14,210 --> 00:44:16,590 You know you can always tell me anything. 1223 00:44:16,790 --> 00:44:20,180 The tearoom was my office. I met all my clients there. 1224 00:44:20,380 --> 00:44:22,510 I don't know what I'm gonna do without it. 1225 00:44:22,710 --> 00:44:25,810 The whole place smelled like a... wedding cake. 1226 00:44:26,010 --> 00:44:27,540 [sighs] 1227 00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:34,740 {\an8}Abe. What is this? 1228 00:44:34,930 --> 00:44:36,700 A fondly intentioned 1229 00:44:36,890 --> 00:44:39,280 sexualized gesture. 1230 00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:41,380 Oh. 1231 00:44:43,390 --> 00:44:46,290 Well, it is past 7:00. 1232 00:44:46,490 --> 00:44:49,080 Am I supposed to do something in return? 1233 00:44:49,280 --> 00:44:50,880 I think it's optional. 1234 00:44:51,080 --> 00:44:52,850 Okay. 1235 00:45:03,150 --> 00:45:05,470 - I told you there'd be drinks. - [Susie] But it's okay 1236 00:45:05,670 --> 00:45:07,060 because your outfit was made for sitting, 1237 00:45:07,260 --> 00:45:08,890 and you sit in a bar, right? 1238 00:45:09,090 --> 00:45:10,520 The flare can accommodate that? 1239 00:45:10,720 --> 00:45:12,440 You know, I'm tired of people mocking me 1240 00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:15,110 for thinking about how a dress works in different situations. 1241 00:45:15,310 --> 00:45:17,280 So, Toots Shor's is their hangout, huh? 1242 00:45:17,480 --> 00:45:19,450 They come here because Gordon doesn't. 1243 00:45:19,650 --> 00:45:21,200 He got into some fight with Toots 1244 00:45:21,400 --> 00:45:22,780 and won't set foot in the place. 1245 00:45:22,980 --> 00:45:24,490 - They call it their sanctuary. - I got to start working 1246 00:45:24,690 --> 00:45:25,740 that place. It's a good place. 1247 00:45:25,940 --> 00:45:27,790 Susie... 1248 00:45:27,990 --> 00:45:29,870 - the job is weird. - How so? 1249 00:45:30,070 --> 00:45:31,670 They don't think I'm funny. 1250 00:45:31,870 --> 00:45:32,790 Well, they don't have to, 1251 00:45:32,990 --> 00:45:33,920 so long as Gordon thinks you're funny. 1252 00:45:34,120 --> 00:45:35,550 The day felt like a week, 1253 00:45:35,750 --> 00:45:37,130 and we have to do it all over again tomorrow 1254 00:45:37,330 --> 00:45:38,920 and then the next day and the next. 1255 00:45:39,120 --> 00:45:41,390 Well, you better not fucking call me about tomorrow's outfit. 1256 00:45:41,580 --> 00:45:42,550 I won't. 1257 00:45:42,750 --> 00:45:44,810 Now go mingle. Make some friends. 1258 00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:47,140 Be confident. You love an audience. 1259 00:45:47,340 --> 00:45:48,810 Think of those guys as your audience. 1260 00:45:49,010 --> 00:45:50,980 - Use 'em. - I'll try. 1261 00:45:51,180 --> 00:45:53,080 - Bye. - Bye. 1262 00:45:57,130 --> 00:45:58,990 [Mel] ...rushes ahead of me at the front of the line, 1263 00:45:59,190 --> 00:46:01,740 buys the same can of tuna every day, 1264 00:46:01,940 --> 00:46:03,320 89 cents. 1265 00:46:03,520 --> 00:46:04,780 She's counting out pennies. 1266 00:46:04,980 --> 00:46:08,330 [imitating old woman] "One, two, I lost my place, one, two..." 1267 00:46:08,530 --> 00:46:11,370 - I'm going nuts. - [laughter] 1268 00:46:11,570 --> 00:46:12,790 Sure? 1269 00:46:12,990 --> 00:46:14,630 Harvard did teach me manners, after all. 1270 00:46:14,830 --> 00:46:17,210 Along with very useful Greek and how to hit a shuttlecock. 1271 00:46:17,410 --> 00:46:20,170 There's not a bomb underneath it, is there? 1272 00:46:20,370 --> 00:46:22,630 Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? 1273 00:46:22,830 --> 00:46:24,010 [Ralph] He made peace with Toots? 1274 00:46:24,210 --> 00:46:25,010 [Alvin] Not to my knowledge. 1275 00:46:25,210 --> 00:46:26,350 I personally heard him call Toots 1276 00:46:26,550 --> 00:46:28,010 a fat fuck not two weeks ago. 1277 00:46:28,210 --> 00:46:29,060 They almost came to blows that time. 1278 00:46:29,260 --> 00:46:30,140 They had to be separated. 1279 00:46:30,340 --> 00:46:31,520 - What changed? - [Gordon] Hey, all. 1280 00:46:31,720 --> 00:46:33,850 - Good show tonight. - [others] Hey. 1281 00:46:34,050 --> 00:46:35,400 Tough journey, but we got it there. 1282 00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:37,110 That's what Alvin's wife said on their wedding night. 1283 00:46:37,310 --> 00:46:38,860 [laughs] Actually, she did. 1284 00:46:39,060 --> 00:46:40,530 - [laughter] - Wow. - So, Gordon, 1285 00:46:40,730 --> 00:46:42,740 - you like the automat joke? - Mm, it wasn't my favorite. 1286 00:46:42,940 --> 00:46:45,120 - Good, it was Adam's. - There's the guy. 1287 00:46:45,310 --> 00:46:47,120 It got a laugh. Means it's funny. 1288 00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:50,080 I'll tell you what's funny. Mike got me an advanced copy 1289 00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:51,830 of "The 2,000 Year Old Man," that Mel Brooks thing. 1290 00:46:52,030 --> 00:46:53,670 - Oh. - Hilarious. 1291 00:46:53,860 --> 00:46:56,840 Really, really funny. 1292 00:46:57,030 --> 00:46:58,000 One of the funniest... 1293 00:46:58,200 --> 00:47:00,130 I never said Mel Brooks wasn't funny. 1294 00:47:00,330 --> 00:47:03,010 But that bit would be nothing without Carl Reiner. 1295 00:47:03,210 --> 00:47:05,090 Right, 'cause without Carl, it would be Mel awkwardly waiting 1296 00:47:05,290 --> 00:47:07,260 half a minute in silence and then reciting the punch line. 1297 00:47:07,460 --> 00:47:08,600 Yeah, that would stink. 1298 00:47:08,800 --> 00:47:10,240 I give up. 1299 00:47:13,280 --> 00:47:14,440 Hey. 1300 00:47:14,640 --> 00:47:15,650 Hi. 1301 00:47:15,850 --> 00:47:17,060 How are these guys treating you? 1302 00:47:17,260 --> 00:47:18,320 Terrific. 1303 00:47:18,510 --> 00:47:19,610 She lied. 1304 00:47:19,810 --> 00:47:21,190 They're a very good group of writers, 1305 00:47:21,390 --> 00:47:24,200 and I am thrilled to be here. Learning a lot. 1306 00:47:24,400 --> 00:47:25,990 Pleasure's ours. 1307 00:47:26,190 --> 00:47:29,410 They give you any problems, you come to me. 1308 00:47:29,610 --> 00:47:31,410 Okay. 1309 00:47:31,610 --> 00:47:32,870 All right, fellas, I'm gonna grab a drink. 1310 00:47:33,070 --> 00:47:34,000 - Next round's on me. - Thanks. 1311 00:47:34,200 --> 00:47:35,720 - You're too kind. - Thanks, boss. - That's nice of you, boss. 1312 00:47:38,270 --> 00:47:40,210 What changed? That changed. 1313 00:47:40,410 --> 00:47:41,590 What? 1314 00:47:41,790 --> 00:47:43,420 Everything was the same today, 1315 00:47:43,620 --> 00:47:44,800 except for the X factor. 1316 00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:46,180 We just solved for "X." 1317 00:47:46,380 --> 00:47:48,350 "X"? I'm not "X." 1318 00:47:48,540 --> 00:47:50,970 - Look at that. - Good to see you back, Gordie. 1319 00:47:51,170 --> 00:47:52,850 - Ah, you're looking good, Toots. - I always look good. 1320 00:47:53,050 --> 00:47:54,230 I'm gonna miss this place. 1321 00:47:54,430 --> 00:47:55,640 We can go back to that Irish pub. 1322 00:47:55,840 --> 00:47:57,650 I can't sit through that tin whistle leprechaun music 1323 00:47:57,850 --> 00:47:58,900 anymore, I'll go crazy. 1324 00:47:59,100 --> 00:48:00,400 You can come back here. 1325 00:48:00,600 --> 00:48:01,480 There's that place on 59th. 1326 00:48:01,680 --> 00:48:03,070 I swear you can come back here. 1327 00:48:03,270 --> 00:48:04,110 What about PJ Clarke's? 1328 00:48:04,310 --> 00:48:05,320 They measure their pours. 1329 00:48:05,520 --> 00:48:06,670 I'm not "X." 1330 00:48:16,970 --> 00:48:18,600 [winces] 1331 00:48:26,190 --> 00:48:28,760 [chuckles] 1332 00:48:28,960 --> 00:48:31,680 [audience laughing] 1333 00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:33,720 [Midge] So, I started this new job, 1334 00:48:33,920 --> 00:48:36,850 and it's... not fun. 1335 00:48:37,050 --> 00:48:39,150 Not that every job is supposed to be fun. I mean, 1336 00:48:39,350 --> 00:48:40,650 when a nurse is inserting a catheter, 1337 00:48:40,850 --> 00:48:41,980 she's not standing there thinking, 1338 00:48:42,180 --> 00:48:43,690 "This looked so much more fun in the brochure." 1339 00:48:43,890 --> 00:48:45,610 [audience laughs] 1340 00:48:45,810 --> 00:48:49,200 And it's all men. Mm-hmm. 1341 00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:51,490 So, I'm sitting in this room with a bunch of men, 1342 00:48:51,690 --> 00:48:53,240 and none of them are being nice 1343 00:48:53,440 --> 00:48:55,080 or showing me the ropes, 1344 00:48:55,280 --> 00:48:57,410 and so far none of them seem to want to sleep with me. 1345 00:48:57,610 --> 00:48:59,040 [audience laughs] 1346 00:48:59,240 --> 00:49:00,790 It's the least they could do. 1347 00:49:00,990 --> 00:49:03,670 Who raised these men, not wolves? 1348 00:49:03,870 --> 00:49:05,460 [audience laughs] 1349 00:49:05,660 --> 00:49:08,170 Hey, did you hear there's gonna be a baby in the White House? 1350 00:49:08,370 --> 00:49:10,390 Little JFK Jr. 1351 00:49:10,580 --> 00:49:11,930 It'll be a clean transition. 1352 00:49:12,130 --> 00:49:13,100 White House staff already learned how 1353 00:49:13,300 --> 00:49:14,930 to change diapers with Eisenhower. 1354 00:49:15,130 --> 00:49:17,480 [audience laughs] 1355 00:49:17,680 --> 00:49:19,560 I knew that was funny. 1356 00:49:19,760 --> 00:49:22,710 {\an8}[♪ The West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band: "Eighteen Is Over the Hill"] 1357 00:49:24,790 --> 00:49:26,990 {\an8}♪ Laughing because ♪ 1358 00:49:27,180 --> 00:49:29,610 {\an8}♪ It's right to laugh ♪ 1359 00:49:29,810 --> 00:49:31,950 {\an8}♪ Dress up at night ♪ 1360 00:49:32,150 --> 00:49:34,910 {\an8}♪ In the right dress ♪ 1361 00:49:35,110 --> 00:49:39,510 {\an8}♪ You can't change me into something that I'm not ♪ 1362 00:49:40,890 --> 00:49:44,170 {\an8}♪ I like too much the rain ♪ 1363 00:49:44,370 --> 00:49:46,840 {\an8}♪ The power of my brain ♪ 1364 00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:51,090 {\an8}♪ The sunshine and the open ♪ 1365 00:49:51,290 --> 00:49:54,550 {\an8}♪ Road ♪ 1366 00:49:54,750 --> 00:49:56,770 {\an8}♪ Ahead of ♪ 1367 00:49:56,960 --> 00:50:04,610 {\an8}♪ Me ♪ 1368 00:50:04,810 --> 00:50:07,110 {\an8}♪ I'll hear your line ♪ 1369 00:50:07,310 --> 00:50:09,690 {\an8}♪ Some other time ♪ 1370 00:50:09,890 --> 00:50:12,160 {\an8}♪ When miming ♪ 1371 00:50:12,350 --> 00:50:15,120 {\an8}♪ Performance rhyme ♪ 1372 00:50:15,320 --> 00:50:17,290 {\an8}♪ The way you feel ♪ 1373 00:50:17,490 --> 00:50:21,250 {\an8}♪ It is so phony and unreal ♪ 1374 00:50:21,450 --> 00:50:24,580 {\an8}♪ I like too much the rain ♪ 1375 00:50:24,780 --> 00:50:27,300 {\an8}♪ The power of my brain ♪ 1376 00:50:27,500 --> 00:50:31,090 {\an8}♪ The sunshine and the open ♪ 1377 00:50:31,290 --> 00:50:35,300 {\an8}♪ Road ♪ 1378 00:50:35,500 --> 00:50:37,180 {\an8}♪ Ahead of ♪ 1379 00:50:37,380 --> 00:50:45,290 {\an8}♪ Me ♪ 1380 00:50:50,130 --> 00:50:52,490 {\an8}♪ Antique white lace ♪ 1381 00:50:52,690 --> 00:50:55,120 {\an8}♪ A plastic face ♪ 1382 00:50:55,310 --> 00:50:57,450 {\an8}♪ A tinfoil place ♪ 1383 00:50:57,650 --> 00:50:59,910 {\an8}♪ An empty space ♪ 1384 00:51:00,110 --> 00:51:02,710 {\an8}♪ You're so hung up on yourself ♪ 1385 00:51:02,910 --> 00:51:06,500 {\an8}♪ And nothing else ♪ 1386 00:51:06,700 --> 00:51:09,840 {\an8}♪ I like too much the rain ♪ 1387 00:51:10,040 --> 00:51:12,220 {\an8}♪ The power of my brain ♪ 1388 00:51:12,410 --> 00:51:16,390 {\an8}♪ The sunshine and the open ♪ 1389 00:51:16,590 --> 00:51:20,220 {\an8}♪ Road ♪ 1390 00:51:20,420 --> 00:51:24,980 {\an8}♪ Ahead of me ♪ 1391 00:51:25,180 --> 00:51:28,610 {\an8}♪ I like too much the rain ♪ 1392 00:51:28,810 --> 00:51:31,030 {\an8}♪ The power of my brain ♪ 1393 00:51:31,230 --> 00:51:35,280 {\an8}♪ The sunshine and the open ♪ 1394 00:51:35,480 --> 00:51:38,740 {\an8}♪ Road ♪ 1395 00:51:38,940 --> 00:51:45,810 {\an8}♪ Ahead of me ♪♪