1 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,960 {\an8}♪ ♪ 2 00:00:10,970 --> 00:00:13,950 {\an8}♪ Who takes this town ♪ 3 00:00:14,150 --> 00:00:16,370 {\an8}♪ From brown ♪ 4 00:00:16,570 --> 00:00:19,250 {\an8}♪ To beds of green and rose? ♪ 5 00:00:19,450 --> 00:00:23,000 {\an8}♪ Thanks to New York City Turf ♪ 6 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:25,800 {\an8}♪ And landscape pros ♪ 7 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:27,590 {\an8}♪ Everything grows ♪ 8 00:00:27,790 --> 00:00:29,880 {\an8}- ♪ Who makes some room ♪ - ♪ Mow the lawn ♪ 9 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,340 {\an8}- ♪ To bloom ♪ - ♪ Trim the trees ♪ 10 00:00:31,540 --> 00:00:32,680 {\an8}♪ Never fret or fuss ♪ 11 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:34,100 {\an8}♪ Where more construction goes ♪ 12 00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:35,850 {\an8}♪ That's how it goes ♪ 13 00:00:36,050 --> 00:00:37,180 {\an8}♪ Thank you, New York City Turf ♪ 14 00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:39,060 {\an8}♪ Moving on, like the bees ♪ 15 00:00:39,260 --> 00:00:41,190 {\an8}- ♪ Knowing thanks to us ♪ - ♪ That's how it goes ♪ 16 00:00:41,390 --> 00:00:43,650 {\an8}- ♪ Everything grows ♪ - [whirring] 17 00:00:43,850 --> 00:00:45,400 {\an8}♪ That's how it goes ♪ 18 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,570 {\an8}♪ Everything grows ♪ 19 00:00:48,770 --> 00:00:50,710 {\an8}[vocalizing] 20 00:00:54,550 --> 00:00:56,910 [grunting] 21 00:00:57,110 --> 00:00:58,870 [Steven] All right, stop! Stop! 22 00:00:59,070 --> 00:01:00,460 My petal got caught in the fence again. 23 00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:01,750 - [groaning] - Do we have to lay down like that? 24 00:01:01,950 --> 00:01:03,250 - Yes. - Can we just crouch? 25 00:01:03,450 --> 00:01:05,000 You haven't bloomed yet. If you crouch, you've bloomed. 26 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:06,460 - There's not enough room. - Well, it's all the room we have, 27 00:01:06,660 --> 00:01:08,340 so there's plenty of room. Back to one! 28 00:01:08,540 --> 00:01:09,840 - [announcement over P.A.] - Are we ever gonna get through this? 29 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,680 Frank. Nicky. 30 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,930 - [Nicky] Wow. You got here fast. - The message said come quick. 31 00:01:15,130 --> 00:01:17,770 Usually when we call people to come quick, they dillydally. 32 00:01:17,970 --> 00:01:19,230 And cross state lines. 33 00:01:19,420 --> 00:01:20,940 We appreciate you not making us go to Connecticut 34 00:01:21,130 --> 00:01:23,560 - to get you back. - So, what's the emergency? 35 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:24,900 We need a favor. 36 00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:27,400 Sure. What kind of favor? 37 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,530 We got a little show opening here at the Expo tomorrow. 38 00:01:29,730 --> 00:01:30,990 Just something fun, informative. 39 00:01:31,190 --> 00:01:32,410 Excellent production values. 40 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,120 It is very good this year. Mm-hmm. 41 00:01:34,310 --> 00:01:36,080 But our lead performer just dropped out. 42 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,160 - We can't find him. - You tried Connecticut? 43 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,160 - We have, actually. - Oh, he'll turn up somewhere, 44 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:41,580 most likely on the shore. 45 00:01:41,780 --> 00:01:44,710 So, we were thinking: Midge. 46 00:01:44,910 --> 00:01:46,920 - As what? - As the lead character. 47 00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:48,380 The lead. I thought you'd like that. 48 00:01:48,580 --> 00:01:49,590 What the hell are you talking about? 49 00:01:49,790 --> 00:01:51,720 One of our affiliates is selling a product here 50 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,050 through the forum of music and dance, 51 00:01:54,250 --> 00:01:56,300 and the leading part is sort of a narrator. 52 00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:57,810 Like Our Town with an edge. 53 00:01:58,010 --> 00:01:58,930 Midge is a comic. 54 00:01:59,130 --> 00:02:00,220 This isn't really her thing. 55 00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:01,930 Could it be her thing? Just for a day? 56 00:02:02,130 --> 00:02:03,520 I don't think so. 57 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:06,020 How about now? 58 00:02:06,220 --> 00:02:08,020 That is a very nice number, 59 00:02:08,220 --> 00:02:10,030 but she's got a full-time job now. 60 00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:11,490 Mm. We already mentioned her to the boss. 61 00:02:11,690 --> 00:02:12,740 He loved the idea. 62 00:02:12,940 --> 00:02:15,240 I'm really sorry. 63 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,220 - Oh. - [busy chatter] 64 00:02:19,260 --> 00:02:20,410 Where are you going? 65 00:02:20,610 --> 00:02:21,870 Boss was counting on this. 66 00:02:22,070 --> 00:02:24,210 He likes to hear bad news as soon as it happens. 67 00:02:24,410 --> 00:02:28,040 Look, it's just really short notice, you know? 68 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,510 Our Town, those people were actors. 69 00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:32,480 Right? And Midge isn't an actor. 70 00:02:36,150 --> 00:02:38,680 How about I help you find someone, huh? 71 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,270 Boss likes the idea of the cute dirty girl doing this. 72 00:02:41,470 --> 00:02:43,890 - Made him smile. - A rarity, let me tell you. 73 00:02:44,090 --> 00:02:45,730 I got a magician you guys will love. 74 00:02:45,930 --> 00:02:47,650 His hair is long. I put him in a dress. 75 00:02:47,850 --> 00:02:51,900 - From a distance... - Susie, this is me asking you for a favor. 76 00:02:52,100 --> 00:02:53,820 You understand "favor"? 77 00:02:54,020 --> 00:02:55,070 Yeah, I understand "favor." 78 00:02:55,270 --> 00:02:56,950 See, in a relationship like ours, 79 00:02:57,150 --> 00:02:59,660 based partly on mutual respect and partly on the fact 80 00:02:59,860 --> 00:03:01,620 that I did a lot of fucking favors for you-- 81 00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:03,160 - the office... - The furniture. 82 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:04,580 ...the not killing you that time. 83 00:03:04,780 --> 00:03:06,670 - That was a good favor. - But, see, this, 84 00:03:06,870 --> 00:03:09,340 when we come to you, hat in hand, 85 00:03:09,530 --> 00:03:12,880 asking for a favor, this is how you reciprocate. 86 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:16,470 This is how payback works. 87 00:03:16,670 --> 00:03:18,390 So, I do this, it's payback. 88 00:03:18,590 --> 00:03:20,510 It is, and very nice of you. 89 00:03:20,710 --> 00:03:23,350 - And this counts as payback. - Definitely counts. 90 00:03:23,550 --> 00:03:24,930 - You want to see the paper again? - No. I'm good. 91 00:03:25,130 --> 00:03:26,350 - I'll talk to Midge. - Ah. 92 00:03:26,550 --> 00:03:27,900 The boss will be thrilled to hear it. 93 00:03:28,100 --> 00:03:30,610 - [chuckles nervously] - [singers] ♪ Everything grows ♪ 94 00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:32,230 [Steven] Up on that. 95 00:03:32,430 --> 00:03:35,280 [vocalizing] 96 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,280 [Steven] Five, six, seven, eight. 97 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:38,660 Stop! 98 00:03:38,860 --> 00:03:40,660 [♪ Dean Martin: "Heaven Can Wait"] 99 00:03:40,860 --> 00:03:43,240 ♪ ♪ 100 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:47,120 - ♪ Heaven can wait ♪ - [snoring] 101 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,540 - ♪ This is paradise... - Morning. Hair of the dog? 102 00:03:49,740 --> 00:03:51,420 - [groans] - [phone rings] 103 00:03:51,620 --> 00:03:53,380 Ow! 104 00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:55,970 - Gordon Ford Show. - Morning. Hair of the dog? 105 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:58,720 Morning. Hair of the dog? 106 00:03:58,920 --> 00:04:01,470 Morning. Hair of the dog? 107 00:04:01,670 --> 00:04:03,510 You know, everything's on backwards, dear. 108 00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:05,020 Take two. 109 00:04:05,220 --> 00:04:07,180 - Morning, Marge. - Morning. Hair of the dog? 110 00:04:07,380 --> 00:04:09,560 What? Oh. Ew. No. What is that? 111 00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,160 The only useful thing my mother ever taught me. 112 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,480 Morning, Trudy. 113 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:16,740 I don't ever want to be number one again. 114 00:04:16,940 --> 00:04:18,280 [Marge] Morning. Hair of the dog? 115 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,110 [Mel] Oh, God, that's terrible. 116 00:04:20,310 --> 00:04:22,330 - Are you gonna drink yours? - Didn't I already? 117 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:24,680 - I don't think so. - Oh. Here. 118 00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:28,080 - Oh, God, that's terrible. - I don't understand. 119 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:29,420 How did I wake up in Wollman Rink? 120 00:04:29,610 --> 00:04:30,750 Two in the morning, there I was. 121 00:04:30,950 --> 00:04:32,000 Ah. Beats me. 122 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,880 Had skates on. Did I skate there? 123 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:35,170 At least it was a skating rink. 124 00:04:35,370 --> 00:04:36,800 Yeah, but not the same rink I started out in. 125 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,430 - I think I kissed Betty Porter. - I think I kissed Betty Porter. 126 00:04:39,620 --> 00:04:41,260 Morning, gentlemen. 127 00:04:41,460 --> 00:04:42,720 Did we all kiss Betty Porter? 128 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,100 Betty Porter wasn't there last night. 129 00:04:44,300 --> 00:04:46,140 - Are you sure? - She had a baby last Tuesday. 130 00:04:46,340 --> 00:04:48,060 - Baby? - Christ. Who did I kiss? 131 00:04:48,260 --> 00:04:50,020 - Betty Porter was pregnant? - [Ralph groans] 132 00:04:50,220 --> 00:04:51,690 Drink up, boys. 133 00:04:51,890 --> 00:04:54,110 - Hair of the dog? - No, thank you. - Morning, boss. 134 00:04:54,310 --> 00:04:56,610 Midge, no one needs that much happiness right now. 135 00:04:56,810 --> 00:04:59,400 Sorry. Geez, no one here can hold their liquor? 136 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,450 Really? Where have all the real men gone? 137 00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:04,160 If you find out, let me know. 138 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:05,620 Hey, did you know Betty Porter was pregnant? 139 00:05:05,820 --> 00:05:07,200 What are you insinuating? 140 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,660 Midge, Gordon wants to see you in the studio. 141 00:05:09,860 --> 00:05:11,830 - Oh. Now? - Uh-huh. 142 00:05:12,030 --> 00:05:13,540 Okay. 143 00:05:13,740 --> 00:05:16,880 ♪ Heaven can wait ♪♪ 144 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:19,400 [phone rings] 145 00:05:20,940 --> 00:05:21,930 Ow. 146 00:05:22,130 --> 00:05:24,070 - [door closes] - [footsteps approaching] 147 00:05:32,580 --> 00:05:34,610 You know, that's a lot more fun with a girl. 148 00:05:34,810 --> 00:05:36,400 [laughs] 149 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,190 New chair. Making sure it maneuvers just right. 150 00:05:39,390 --> 00:05:40,950 They think hosting a talk show is all about 151 00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:42,410 the charisma and the jokes, 152 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,210 but really it's all about the chair. 153 00:05:45,550 --> 00:05:47,450 Five point eight from the Russian judge. 154 00:05:47,650 --> 00:05:49,870 Let's see Jack Paar do that. 155 00:05:50,070 --> 00:05:51,330 You seem to have weathered the storm 156 00:05:51,530 --> 00:05:52,870 better than the rest of the group. 157 00:05:53,070 --> 00:05:54,710 Mm. Scottish ancestry. 158 00:05:54,910 --> 00:05:56,880 And I've had three of Marge's drinks and I've thrown up twice. 159 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:58,500 - Huh. - You look good. 160 00:05:58,700 --> 00:06:00,050 I never drink and skate. 161 00:06:00,250 --> 00:06:01,760 Yeah, I was a little tipsy last night. 162 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,130 - Were ya? - Yes. 163 00:06:03,330 --> 00:06:04,760 I might've noticed. 164 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,260 I just wanted to make sure that you're okay with everything. 165 00:06:07,460 --> 00:06:09,220 With me, actually, after the, uh, 166 00:06:09,420 --> 00:06:12,060 sort of, the thing with the lips that touched. 167 00:06:12,260 --> 00:06:13,850 - The kiss. - Is that what the kids are calling it these days? 168 00:06:14,050 --> 00:06:14,980 I'm fine. 169 00:06:15,180 --> 00:06:17,270 Good. Good, I'm fine, too. 170 00:06:17,470 --> 00:06:19,690 Hey, since we're both fine, what do you say we start over? 171 00:06:19,890 --> 00:06:21,530 - Meaning? - Go out with me. 172 00:06:21,730 --> 00:06:23,570 Dinner. No ice. Solid ground. 173 00:06:23,770 --> 00:06:25,320 - I'm flattered, but... - Come on. 174 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:26,740 I can be quite charming when I'm not plastered 175 00:06:26,940 --> 00:06:29,200 - and flat on my ass. - No. 176 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,040 - Give me one good reason. - I can give you 30 good reasons. 177 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:33,580 Okay, well, I don't have time for 30, 178 00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:35,790 - but give me your top ten. - One, you are not Jewish. 179 00:06:35,990 --> 00:06:38,500 Ah, I am Jewish. Changed it from Fordberg. Next. 180 00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:41,260 - Two, you are my boss. - You're fired. Three. 181 00:06:41,450 --> 00:06:43,010 How about I just skip to ten? You're married. 182 00:06:43,210 --> 00:06:44,840 That's number ten? 183 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,090 Interesting. 184 00:06:46,290 --> 00:06:48,140 Yes, I am married but with a caveat. 185 00:06:48,340 --> 00:06:49,390 That's a new one. 186 00:06:49,590 --> 00:06:50,640 It's a very specific kind of marriage. 187 00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:52,100 We have an understanding. 188 00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:53,600 As in, if there's a sock on the door, don't come in? 189 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:55,230 As in, she has her life and I have mine. 190 00:06:55,430 --> 00:06:57,860 - That's called being single. - My wife is a great lady. 191 00:06:58,050 --> 00:07:00,610 I admire her, I love her, 192 00:07:00,810 --> 00:07:02,650 - and she's very flexible. - Contortionist? 193 00:07:02,850 --> 00:07:05,110 No. Well, yes, but no. 194 00:07:05,310 --> 00:07:06,820 Jack Paar dated a girl on his show once, 195 00:07:07,020 --> 00:07:08,370 and then that girl was mysteriously killed. 196 00:07:08,570 --> 00:07:09,870 I have never heard that story. 197 00:07:10,070 --> 00:07:11,540 - Ask Jack. - I will. 198 00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:13,000 But even if that were true, that's very unlikely 199 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,460 to happen to you here at 30 Rock. 200 00:07:14,650 --> 00:07:16,460 The worst that can happen is you get fan-kicked by a Rockette. 201 00:07:16,660 --> 00:07:18,040 I'm not going out with you. 202 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:20,090 I haven't even told you where we're going. 203 00:07:20,290 --> 00:07:22,840 It would complicate my quest to be on your show. 204 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,800 - You are on my show. - I mean "on" on your show. 205 00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:27,510 No. You're too pretty to be "on" on my show. 206 00:07:27,710 --> 00:07:28,930 - No one would look at me. - Well, I plan on 207 00:07:29,130 --> 00:07:30,510 walking through a plate glass window later on. 208 00:07:30,710 --> 00:07:32,720 - You'd still be pretty. - Excuse me. 209 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,480 Sorry, Gordon. Midge, you have a phone call. 210 00:07:34,670 --> 00:07:35,480 Thanks, Dorie. 211 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:37,370 [footsteps departing] 212 00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:41,020 Seems I have a very important phone call. 213 00:07:41,220 --> 00:07:43,900 I notice you tend to leave all of our conversations unfinished. 214 00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:45,400 I have a problem with closure. 215 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,340 Enjoy your chair. 216 00:07:51,260 --> 00:07:53,120 [busy chatter] 217 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:55,260 [writers slurring "As the Caissons Go Rolling Along"] 218 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,000 Hello? 219 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,750 Hi. Listen. 220 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:05,170 I got a weird call today from Frank and Nicky. 221 00:08:05,370 --> 00:08:06,420 Oops. 222 00:08:06,620 --> 00:08:08,050 Yeah, yeah, I thought "oops," too, 223 00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:09,840 originally, but I met with them, 224 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,850 - and it may not be "oops" after all. - Okay. 225 00:08:13,050 --> 00:08:16,810 Uh, they're doing a show at the Building New York Expo. 226 00:08:17,010 --> 00:08:18,350 Frank and Nicky are doing a show? 227 00:08:18,550 --> 00:08:19,520 - Yes. - Like performing in it? 228 00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:21,150 No, they're sort of producing it. 229 00:08:21,350 --> 00:08:23,020 Are they hands-on producers or just the money? 230 00:08:23,220 --> 00:08:25,190 - None of that is important. - Well, if you're in the show, it is. 231 00:08:25,390 --> 00:08:26,820 Can you stop your brain for one second 232 00:08:27,020 --> 00:08:28,780 and take in all the information before you speak? 233 00:08:28,980 --> 00:08:30,410 - No. - Fine. 234 00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:32,030 Listen, they got this show, 235 00:08:32,230 --> 00:08:34,620 someone dropped out, and they asked me for a favor. 236 00:08:34,820 --> 00:08:35,830 I'm back to "oops." 237 00:08:36,030 --> 00:08:37,500 It's not "oops." Enough with the "oops." 238 00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:38,580 They want you to fill in. 239 00:08:38,780 --> 00:08:40,620 - Is it a stand-up show? - No. 240 00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:43,130 It's like an industrial show. Scripted stuff. 241 00:08:43,330 --> 00:08:44,340 I don't do scripted stuff. 242 00:08:44,540 --> 00:08:45,670 You did it on the radio. 243 00:08:45,870 --> 00:08:46,840 No one could see me on the radio. 244 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:48,630 I was visibly free to panic. 245 00:08:48,830 --> 00:08:49,880 It's two shows. 246 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,510 I'm not asking you to star in Brigadoon. 247 00:08:51,710 --> 00:08:53,680 I don't know. 248 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:55,640 - Look... - [Dinah] Susie Myerson and Associates. 249 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,100 She is on another call right now. 250 00:08:57,300 --> 00:08:58,600 Okay, you were right. 251 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,600 Frank and Nicky come with strings. 252 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,310 - Susie... - Yes. 253 00:09:02,510 --> 00:09:03,900 Fine, I am an asshole. 254 00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:06,070 But here's the deal: if you do this thing for them, 255 00:09:06,270 --> 00:09:08,940 this one favor, it'll be considered reciprocation, 256 00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:10,570 meaning we're off the hook. 257 00:09:10,770 --> 00:09:12,030 I know what reciprocation means. 258 00:09:12,230 --> 00:09:13,370 Well? 259 00:09:13,570 --> 00:09:14,950 Do they know what reciprocation means? 260 00:09:15,150 --> 00:09:16,740 Yes, it means I'm not looking over my shoulder 261 00:09:16,940 --> 00:09:18,120 for the rest of my goddamn life. 262 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,120 [sighs] 263 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:21,500 And what is this thing, again? 264 00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:24,170 Oh, the thing I saw was cute. 265 00:09:24,370 --> 00:09:26,800 Oh, they had tulips dancing around. 266 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,880 Girly shit. You love girly shit. 267 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:30,300 And what about my day job? 268 00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:32,010 Tell 'em you're sick. Lady troubles. 269 00:09:32,210 --> 00:09:34,140 I am not telling them I have lady troubles. 270 00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:35,550 It's a great excuse. 271 00:09:35,750 --> 00:09:37,390 It could mean anything, and I can guarantee you 272 00:09:37,590 --> 00:09:39,430 not one guy is gonna ask you to clarify. 273 00:09:39,630 --> 00:09:42,230 Hey, what do you know about Gordon's wife? 274 00:09:42,430 --> 00:09:44,230 - What? - His wife. 275 00:09:44,430 --> 00:09:46,650 I think her name's Hedy. 276 00:09:46,850 --> 00:09:48,980 Nothing. Why? Nothing. 277 00:09:49,180 --> 00:09:50,190 They have a weird relationship, 278 00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:51,450 and I wondered if you knew the story. 279 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:53,320 Why the fuck would I know the story? 280 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,070 Who am I, Louella Parsons? 281 00:09:55,270 --> 00:09:56,870 She's kind of a public figure, so I thought... 282 00:09:57,070 --> 00:09:58,410 I don't know anything about wives. 283 00:09:58,610 --> 00:10:00,750 I don't like wives. There shouldn't be wives. 284 00:10:00,950 --> 00:10:01,910 Okay. Sorry. 285 00:10:02,110 --> 00:10:04,250 Look, are you gonna do this thing or not? 286 00:10:04,450 --> 00:10:06,000 I went to an industrial once. 287 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,000 On a school trip. It was fun, actually. 288 00:10:08,200 --> 00:10:10,260 I saw a Pyrex show that changed my life. 289 00:10:10,460 --> 00:10:12,880 - Uh-huh. - Maybe I could have Joel bring the kids down to see it. 290 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,260 It's gonna be years before I'll let them watch my real show. 291 00:10:15,460 --> 00:10:17,810 Longer if they're screwed up and I need them for material. 292 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,220 So, you'll do it? 293 00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:21,140 Sure. Let's reciprocate. 294 00:10:21,340 --> 00:10:22,350 Thank you. 295 00:10:22,550 --> 00:10:23,520 You owe me. 296 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,270 Yeah. Story of my fucking life. 297 00:10:25,470 --> 00:10:27,790 - [cheering] - [Marge] Hair of the dog? 298 00:10:29,790 --> 00:10:31,780 [Abe] Mmm. 299 00:10:31,980 --> 00:10:33,280 Mmm! 300 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,240 Zelda, this is delicious. What is it? 301 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:38,240 [Zelda] You like it? It's an old-world recipe called... 302 00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:40,490 Stop! Don't tell me. Too scary. 303 00:10:40,690 --> 00:10:42,200 I just want to enjoy it. 304 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:45,670 Miriam, pass some more of the old-world mystery stew, please. 305 00:10:45,870 --> 00:10:48,000 - So pretty. - Well, we haven't been out to the theater 306 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,210 and supper after with friends in forever. 307 00:10:50,410 --> 00:10:51,880 I thought it was time to break out the finery. 308 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:53,090 Miriam, the bowl. 309 00:10:53,290 --> 00:10:55,130 This was Grandma's, right? 310 00:10:55,330 --> 00:10:56,300 It was my grandmother's, actually. 311 00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:57,430 Handed down to my mother then to me. 312 00:10:57,630 --> 00:10:59,430 - Then to me. - [Rose] Someday. 313 00:10:59,630 --> 00:11:01,520 Yeah, someday. 314 00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:03,730 Stop imagining my death. 315 00:11:03,930 --> 00:11:05,770 - I'm not imagining your death. - Can someone please hand me... 316 00:11:05,970 --> 00:11:07,480 You're imagining those earrings on your ears, 317 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:08,980 which means I'm dead. 318 00:11:09,180 --> 00:11:11,530 Maybe you just decided to give them to me for my next birthday. 319 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,320 No, I'm dead. 320 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:14,820 What's the show you're going to see? 321 00:11:15,020 --> 00:11:17,030 Well, it's... That's disturbing. 322 00:11:17,230 --> 00:11:19,370 It's something written by a friend of Abe's, right, Abe? 323 00:11:19,570 --> 00:11:21,450 Not a friend, exactly. 324 00:11:21,650 --> 00:11:23,870 He was a writer at The Voice. 325 00:11:24,070 --> 00:11:25,460 I knew him a little bit, 326 00:11:25,660 --> 00:11:27,670 but he left soon after I got there. 327 00:11:27,870 --> 00:11:29,170 He was a fine fellow. 328 00:11:29,370 --> 00:11:31,920 I think there were real friendship possibilities there, 329 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,010 had he stayed, but he left. 330 00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:36,340 Long-distance relationships rarely work. 331 00:11:36,540 --> 00:11:37,630 Well, I don't care who wrote it. 332 00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:39,680 I just want to get dressed up and go out. 333 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,560 I hope everyone is roomy for dessert. 334 00:11:41,750 --> 00:11:43,560 It's very special. Janusz made it. 335 00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,480 It looks lovely, Janusz. 336 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:49,150 It is a babka with a special rum syrup and candy violets, 337 00:11:49,350 --> 00:11:50,690 - just like my mother used to make. - Aw. 338 00:11:50,890 --> 00:11:52,480 The little ones are having pieces in the kitchen now. 339 00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:54,440 I put little plastic soldiers on theirs. 340 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,070 - They thought that was fun. - [laughs] 341 00:11:56,270 --> 00:11:58,030 Oh, put it here, Zelda. I'm done. 342 00:11:58,230 --> 00:12:00,740 Whoa, Janusz, this seems like it has a lot of booze in it. 343 00:12:00,940 --> 00:12:02,950 Oh, no, no, no. That's just the smell. 344 00:12:03,150 --> 00:12:04,950 The rum all burns off in the baking. Try. 345 00:12:05,150 --> 00:12:06,500 Should I put some soldiers on it for you? 346 00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:08,080 I'm a pacifist, but thank you. 347 00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:09,560 - Ah. - [chuckles] 348 00:12:21,030 --> 00:12:23,140 [sighs softly] 349 00:12:23,340 --> 00:12:25,950 [Abe snoring] 350 00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:35,440 They'll sleep well tonight. 351 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,210 Okay. 352 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,160 - [P.A. chimes] - [woman over P.A.] Building New York, 353 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,290 where the greatest city in New York keeps getting better. 354 00:12:45,490 --> 00:12:46,790 [man over speaker] How'd you get here? 355 00:12:46,990 --> 00:12:48,160 Don't you live on Staten Island? 356 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,210 [man 2] I took the new Verazzano Bridge. 357 00:12:50,410 --> 00:12:52,350 [lively chatter] 358 00:12:53,770 --> 00:12:56,710 - [P.A. chimes] - [woman over P.A.] Close your eyes. 359 00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:59,050 Your new dream kitchen is appearing now 360 00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:00,970 on the south stage. 361 00:13:01,170 --> 00:13:03,140 Make all your dreams come true. 362 00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:05,280 [lively music begins] 363 00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:11,350 ♪ I'm itchin' for a new dream kitchen ♪ 364 00:13:11,550 --> 00:13:14,580 ♪ With the top technology ♪ 365 00:13:15,790 --> 00:13:18,320 ♪ Can't wait for the right refrigerator ♪ 366 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:19,900 ♪ Later model so chic ♪ 367 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,950 ♪ I'm weak in the knee ♪ 368 00:13:22,150 --> 00:13:24,090 ♪ ♪ 369 00:13:26,090 --> 00:13:28,830 - ♪ I'm shaking for some hot zone bakin' ♪ - [oven bell dings] 370 00:13:29,030 --> 00:13:32,710 ♪ Making classic cake for two ♪ 371 00:13:32,910 --> 00:13:35,880 ♪ But just one thing can cure my kitchen itchin' ♪ 372 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:40,010 ♪ Baby's gotta make her dream come true ♪ 373 00:13:40,210 --> 00:13:42,720 - ♪ I'm cranky for a butler's pantry ♪ - [toaster dings] 374 00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:45,680 ♪ Can't the butler be included, too? ♪ 375 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,700 [crowd cheering] 376 00:13:48,870 --> 00:13:51,770 ♪ Help me please relieve my kitchen itchin' ♪ 377 00:13:51,970 --> 00:13:53,730 ♪ And my bakin' shakin' ♪ 378 00:13:53,930 --> 00:13:55,440 ♪ Oh, this pantry, can't we ♪ 379 00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,030 ♪ Go and make your baby's dream come true? ♪ 380 00:13:58,220 --> 00:14:00,530 - ♪ Make your kitchen... - There she is. 381 00:14:00,730 --> 00:14:01,900 The lady of the hour. 382 00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:04,870 That is an excellent neckline for you, Midge. 383 00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:08,160 - Same to you, Nicky. - I hope Susie expressed to you 384 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,660 our deepest gratitude for doing this. 385 00:14:10,860 --> 00:14:13,250 She has expressed many things, yes. 386 00:14:13,450 --> 00:14:15,750 Good. So, Jerome here... Where are you? 387 00:14:15,950 --> 00:14:18,250 - Uh... No. - Don't fucking hide from me. 388 00:14:18,450 --> 00:14:21,470 You'd think these show business types would be so outgoing, 389 00:14:21,660 --> 00:14:23,720 but I got to tell you, I find them a total mess. 390 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:26,140 - Shaking, crying. - Very nervous bunch. 391 00:14:26,340 --> 00:14:27,890 Anyhow, Jerome is our writer, 392 00:14:28,090 --> 00:14:31,020 and he's making some quick adjustments, emphasis on quick. 393 00:14:31,220 --> 00:14:32,680 - Very quick. - Nice to meet you, Jerome. 394 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,150 Apologies for getting the pages to you so late. 395 00:14:35,350 --> 00:14:36,900 We had a lot of reworking to do. 396 00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:38,650 Anyway, here's your costume. 397 00:14:38,850 --> 00:14:40,940 It's got a little hat. I knew you'd like that. 398 00:14:41,140 --> 00:14:42,610 Jerome, pages. 399 00:14:42,810 --> 00:14:44,740 Uh, it would be terrific if you were off-book. 400 00:14:44,940 --> 00:14:46,910 But if you have to cheat a little, we understand. 401 00:14:47,110 --> 00:14:48,700 Ah, here we are. 402 00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:50,870 Uh... what's this? 403 00:14:51,070 --> 00:14:53,120 - This is your stage. - Biggest one in the joint. 404 00:14:53,320 --> 00:14:55,040 Had to wrestle it out from under the bricklayers. 405 00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,710 Those motherfuckers don't budge. 406 00:14:56,910 --> 00:14:59,170 But what is waste management? 407 00:14:59,370 --> 00:15:00,630 I'm doing waste management? 408 00:15:00,830 --> 00:15:03,470 Private demolition and waste management. 409 00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:04,970 I'm hawking garbage? 410 00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:06,930 Garbage disposal. 411 00:15:07,130 --> 00:15:08,260 Huh. 412 00:15:08,460 --> 00:15:09,510 You sound disappointed. 413 00:15:09,710 --> 00:15:11,520 Well, no, but I just saw the pretty kitchen 414 00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:13,310 and the oven that hands you a cake, and I... 415 00:15:13,510 --> 00:15:15,140 Did Susie not tell you about the slip of paper? 416 00:15:15,340 --> 00:15:17,020 - Buy yourself a cake. - Sure. 417 00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:19,940 So, you should get changed and learn those lines. 418 00:15:20,140 --> 00:15:21,900 Jerome. Run 'em with her. 419 00:15:22,100 --> 00:15:24,040 - [lively chatter] - [music playing] 420 00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:31,290 [man over speaker] Next stop, the Second Avenue subway. 421 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,660 Yeah, good luck with that. 422 00:15:33,860 --> 00:15:35,410 [Midge] Private Demolition and Waste Management: 423 00:15:35,610 --> 00:15:38,500 A Musical Journey in Three Acts, 2:00 p.m. on the main stage. 424 00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:40,420 Private Demolition and Waste Management: 425 00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:43,670 A Musical Journey in Three Acts at 2:00 p.m. on the main stage. 426 00:15:43,870 --> 00:15:45,380 What the hell are you dressed as? 427 00:15:45,580 --> 00:15:48,180 I am a private demolition and waste management historian 428 00:15:48,380 --> 00:15:49,720 and troubadour. 429 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,180 A fucking garbageman? 430 00:15:51,380 --> 00:15:53,060 - Yes. - That suit doesn't even fit you. 431 00:15:53,260 --> 00:15:55,140 It's not for me. It's for a 200-pound guy 432 00:15:55,340 --> 00:15:56,440 hiding out in Binghamton. 433 00:15:56,630 --> 00:15:57,640 And from the smell of this thing, 434 00:15:57,840 --> 00:15:59,020 he shit his pants before he left. 435 00:15:59,220 --> 00:16:01,020 - Jesus. - It came with a cigar stub. 436 00:16:01,220 --> 00:16:02,400 - [groans] - It's still wet. 437 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,360 - No. - I am not putting it in my mouth. 438 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,110 Well, at least your show's on the main stage. 439 00:16:06,310 --> 00:16:08,740 Have you seen the script? 440 00:16:08,940 --> 00:16:11,700 - What is this, tears? - It's terrible. 441 00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:13,450 Fine, so you won't win a Tony. 442 00:16:13,650 --> 00:16:15,080 It's a couple of days, a couple of shows, 443 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:17,250 and then you and I are completely reciprocated. 444 00:16:17,450 --> 00:16:20,330 - Right? Plus, there's the... - Do not say "slip of paper" to me again. 445 00:16:20,530 --> 00:16:21,790 Well, I have to say, 446 00:16:21,990 --> 00:16:25,460 you are fucking adorable in that garbage guy suit. 447 00:16:25,660 --> 00:16:27,550 Gee, you sure know how to sweet-talk a girl. 448 00:16:27,750 --> 00:16:29,800 - Where's the cigar stub? - I'm having it dry-cleaned. 449 00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,300 - It's a great prop. - It says so much about the character. 450 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:33,850 - Try it. - Not without a tetanus shot. 451 00:16:34,050 --> 00:16:35,640 Suit yourself. Still fucking adorable. 452 00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:37,980 - Right, Susie? - I'm gonna get one for myself. 453 00:16:38,180 --> 00:16:40,560 - It's time. - Oh, I've got butterflies. 454 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,690 We'll be over there watching. 455 00:16:42,890 --> 00:16:45,570 So, uh, tits up, if you got tits in there. 456 00:16:45,770 --> 00:16:48,320 - Wait, where are you going? - I got some work. 457 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:51,410 - Fuck you. This is your work. - I do not want to watch this. 458 00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:53,330 I am not reciprocating alone here. 459 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:54,660 - Do you know your lines? - No, I do not. 460 00:16:54,860 --> 00:16:55,990 You're supposed to be off-book. 461 00:16:56,190 --> 00:16:57,290 I'm also supposed to be a man. 462 00:16:57,490 --> 00:16:58,540 They know where my parents live. 463 00:16:58,740 --> 00:16:59,750 They know where my parents live, too, Jerome. 464 00:16:59,950 --> 00:17:01,040 [Jerome] I should've been a pharmacist. 465 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:02,420 [Midge] Preaching to the choir, pal. 466 00:17:02,620 --> 00:17:03,630 [P.A. chimes] 467 00:17:03,830 --> 00:17:05,340 [man over P.A.] Private Waste Management: 468 00:17:05,540 --> 00:17:08,130 A Musical Journey in Three Acts starts now on the main stage. 469 00:17:08,330 --> 00:17:11,050 Join us, won't you? 470 00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:13,970 [gentle music begins] 471 00:17:14,170 --> 00:17:15,890 [boy] Now I lay me down to sleep, 472 00:17:16,090 --> 00:17:18,600 I pray the Lord my soul to keep. 473 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,350 Please bless Mommy and Daddy and my little brother. 474 00:17:21,550 --> 00:17:24,610 And mostly, God, please bless New York City, 475 00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:26,860 the greatest city in the whole wide world. 476 00:17:27,060 --> 00:17:30,000 I sure am lucky I live here. Amen. 477 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,000 [whispers] Hey, guys, he's asleep. 478 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,140 ♪ ♪ 479 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,460 What are they gonna do to that little boy? 480 00:17:48,660 --> 00:17:50,340 ♪ Who do you call to haul the trash ♪ 481 00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:52,680 ♪ The city trucks won't touch? ♪ 482 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:54,590 ♪ Who's got the hard-won know-how ♪ 483 00:17:54,790 --> 00:17:56,970 ♪ With things hazardous and such? ♪ 484 00:17:57,170 --> 00:17:59,020 ♪ Who comes at night staying out of sight ♪ 485 00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:01,640 ♪ And gone by break of day? ♪ 486 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:04,270 ♪ You got a pile, a full square mile ♪ 487 00:18:04,470 --> 00:18:07,790 ♪ Who's gonna take it away? ♪ 488 00:18:08,790 --> 00:18:11,490 - ♪ Your personal trash man can ♪ - [lively music playing] 489 00:18:11,690 --> 00:18:13,320 ♪ He'll come and get your junk ♪ 490 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:15,410 ♪ Your personal trash man can ♪ 491 00:18:15,610 --> 00:18:17,620 ♪ Each mattress bunk by bunk ♪ 492 00:18:17,820 --> 00:18:19,910 ♪ Who clears out all the evidence ♪ 493 00:18:20,110 --> 00:18:21,790 ♪ You ain't been spick-and-span? ♪ 494 00:18:21,990 --> 00:18:26,390 ♪ Your personal trash man can ♪ 495 00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,760 ♪ Toxic paint and cooking grease? ♪ 496 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,930 ♪ Take it away, boys, take it away ♪ 497 00:18:36,130 --> 00:18:38,220 ♪ Feral pets not in your lease? ♪ 498 00:18:38,420 --> 00:18:40,680 ♪ Take it away, boys, take it away ♪ 499 00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:42,730 ♪ Leaded pipes and plumbing paste? ♪ 500 00:18:42,930 --> 00:18:44,770 ♪ Get your gloves, that's medical waste ♪ 501 00:18:44,970 --> 00:18:46,730 ♪ Take it away, boys, take it away ♪ 502 00:18:46,930 --> 00:18:49,900 ♪ Take it away, take it away ♪ 503 00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:52,040 - [crowd cheering] - [rhythmic tapping] 504 00:18:57,340 --> 00:19:00,450 ♪ Huh, huh-huh, hey ♪ 505 00:19:00,650 --> 00:19:02,120 ♪ Whoa ♪ 506 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,430 [clattering] 507 00:19:07,770 --> 00:19:09,730 ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 508 00:19:11,770 --> 00:19:14,590 - Sun's coming up, boys. We got to hurry. - [applause] 509 00:19:14,790 --> 00:19:17,220 ♪ Your personal trash man can ♪ 510 00:19:17,420 --> 00:19:18,850 ♪ No job too big or small ♪ 511 00:19:19,050 --> 00:19:21,260 ♪ Just pay him in cash and bam ♪ 512 00:19:21,460 --> 00:19:23,430 ♪ No questions asked at all ♪ 513 00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:25,520 ♪ Who's here to make things disappear ♪ 514 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,650 ♪ That ain't part of your plan? ♪ 515 00:19:27,850 --> 00:19:29,690 ♪ Your personal trash man ♪ 516 00:19:29,890 --> 00:19:32,320 ♪ Your pick-up-the-stash man ♪ 517 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,030 ♪ Your personal ♪ 518 00:19:34,230 --> 00:19:40,240 ♪ Trash man can ♪♪ 519 00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:43,640 [cheers, applause] 520 00:19:45,220 --> 00:19:47,040 Not bad. 521 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,790 ♪ ♪ 522 00:19:49,990 --> 00:19:52,460 [Midge] Wow. Smell that fresh, sweet air. 523 00:19:52,660 --> 00:19:54,380 You'd never know that just last night, 524 00:19:54,580 --> 00:19:57,550 there was a mound of trash as high as an elephant's eye. 525 00:19:57,750 --> 00:19:59,890 High enough that the Von Trapp Family Singers 526 00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:02,530 could climb over it to escape the Nazis. 527 00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:07,100 That's pretty high, but now look at it. Gone. 528 00:20:07,300 --> 00:20:10,270 Now all you see are sidewalks so clean 529 00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:11,770 you could eat off of them. 530 00:20:11,970 --> 00:20:14,670 Streets so gleaming you could see your reflection. 531 00:20:15,750 --> 00:20:18,150 - Hmm, looks like I need a shave. - [laughter] 532 00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:19,490 - [bike bell rings] - [paperboy] Extra! Extra! 533 00:20:19,690 --> 00:20:21,490 Oh, look, there's the paperboy. 534 00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:23,080 New York's rooster. 535 00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:24,660 Looks like it's that time again. 536 00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:27,330 - [lively chatter onstage] - The city's waking up. 537 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:30,920 All these happy people excited to start their day. 538 00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:33,170 Why, there's young mothers with babies 539 00:20:33,370 --> 00:20:35,460 There's a businessman with a briefcase, 540 00:20:35,660 --> 00:20:37,300 off to conquer the world. 541 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:39,300 Storekeepers ready to sell their goods 542 00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:42,350 and waitresses rushing to get you those sunny-side up eggs 543 00:20:42,550 --> 00:20:44,600 you need to get you through your day. 544 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,810 All these people walking down cleared sidewalks, 545 00:20:48,010 --> 00:20:49,190 nothing in their way. 546 00:20:49,390 --> 00:20:51,230 And yet some people think the city is responsible 547 00:20:51,430 --> 00:20:52,860 for this modern miracle. 548 00:20:53,060 --> 00:20:55,610 But I'll tell you a secret: it's not. 549 00:20:55,810 --> 00:20:58,700 - [boy] It's not? - No, little boy, it's not. 550 00:20:58,890 --> 00:21:02,120 The city only disposes of a small amount of actual trash 551 00:21:02,310 --> 00:21:04,160 that is thrown away, the easy stuff, 552 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:05,950 but we live in a big city. 553 00:21:06,150 --> 00:21:08,120 - We have big city trash. - That's right. 554 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,170 And to get rid of big city trash, 555 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:12,330 you're going to need private demolition 556 00:21:12,530 --> 00:21:13,710 and waste management. 557 00:21:13,910 --> 00:21:16,340 [boy] What is private demolition and waste management? 558 00:21:16,540 --> 00:21:19,050 Well, it's a company that you pay to take away everything 559 00:21:19,250 --> 00:21:21,260 that the city won't, and unlike the city, 560 00:21:21,460 --> 00:21:23,090 they never say no. 561 00:21:23,290 --> 00:21:25,350 - [old man groans] - Hello, old-timer. 562 00:21:25,550 --> 00:21:28,020 - What you got there? - I just got my bill here. 563 00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:30,640 - A bill for what? - I ran into some old paint, 564 00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,480 rat poison, liquid chemicals, DDT and a broken bookshelf, 565 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,190 and I wanted someone to take it all away. 566 00:21:36,390 --> 00:21:38,820 Then I got this estimate, ten dollars. 567 00:21:39,020 --> 00:21:41,780 Just to pick some trash up and take it far away from me? 568 00:21:41,980 --> 00:21:44,280 - Are they kidding? - Ten dollars isn't much. 569 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,410 It's ridiculous. I won't pay it. 570 00:21:46,610 --> 00:21:48,040 I'll just put it out with my city trash. 571 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:49,790 The city won't take that, old-timer. 572 00:21:49,990 --> 00:21:51,540 [old man] Well, then I'll just take it down 573 00:21:51,740 --> 00:21:54,380 to the church preschool parking lot on the corner 574 00:21:54,580 --> 00:21:55,880 and burn it, problem solved. 575 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,130 - You sure you want to do that? - I certainly do. 576 00:21:58,330 --> 00:22:00,340 As far as I'm concerned, I wish I'd never heard 577 00:22:00,540 --> 00:22:02,340 of private demolition and waste management. 578 00:22:02,540 --> 00:22:04,300 - [screaming onstage] - Oh, no. 579 00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:06,450 [dramatic music playing] 580 00:22:08,780 --> 00:22:11,100 ♪ There once were trees ♪ 581 00:22:11,300 --> 00:22:13,440 ♪ And clear blue seas ♪ 582 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,270 ♪ But now all the babies are born here with rabies ♪ 583 00:22:16,470 --> 00:22:18,530 ♪ And full goatees ♪ 584 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:19,990 - [laughter] - [chuckles] 585 00:22:20,180 --> 00:22:22,530 ♪ Oh, so tough to raise ♪ 586 00:22:22,730 --> 00:22:25,160 ♪ We've seen better days ♪ 587 00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:28,030 [ominous screams] 588 00:22:28,230 --> 00:22:29,450 ♪ Trash ♪ 589 00:22:29,650 --> 00:22:31,290 ♪ This life ain't fair ♪ 590 00:22:31,490 --> 00:22:33,670 - ♪ Smog ♪ - ♪ Beyond repair ♪ 591 00:22:33,860 --> 00:22:35,710 - ♪ Death ♪ - ♪ You're begging for mercy ♪ 592 00:22:35,910 --> 00:22:37,250 ♪ When you go to Jersey ♪ 593 00:22:37,450 --> 00:22:40,130 - ♪ To smell fresh air ♪ - ♪ Hoboken ♪ 594 00:22:40,330 --> 00:22:43,340 {\an8}- ♪ Sweet toxic haze ♪ - ♪ Ha, ha, ha, haze ♪ 595 00:22:43,540 --> 00:22:46,970 {\an8}- ♪ We've seen better days ♪ - [screams] 596 00:22:47,170 --> 00:22:49,600 ♪ Telling you, good hygiene pays ♪ 597 00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:51,600 ♪ It's true ♪ 598 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,730 ♪ Ain't gonna be no better ♪ 599 00:22:55,930 --> 00:22:58,230 [screams] He's dead! 600 00:22:58,430 --> 00:23:00,150 - My boy is dead! - [gasping, murmuring] 601 00:23:00,350 --> 00:23:01,990 [Midge] Oh, no, that looks like something 602 00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:04,200 the demolition of a giant building might've caused. 603 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:06,200 It did. I thought the city would've hauled away 604 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,160 all the dangerous demolition waste. 605 00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:10,330 The city doesn't haul that away, old-timer. 606 00:23:10,530 --> 00:23:12,120 - [sobs] I know. - I tried to warn you. 607 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,410 - You did. - You need private demolition 608 00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:16,250 and waste management to do that, 609 00:23:16,450 --> 00:23:17,670 but you didn't want to pay for it. 610 00:23:17,870 --> 00:23:21,760 I didn't want to pay for it, and now my boy is gone! 611 00:23:21,950 --> 00:23:23,010 [Midge] Yes, he is. 612 00:23:23,210 --> 00:23:25,630 Happy people die every day from trash. 613 00:23:25,830 --> 00:23:27,720 Ten thousand tons of garbage accumulate 614 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,760 in New York City every single hour. 615 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:33,980 The average person throws out 2.68 pounds of garbage per day, 616 00:23:34,180 --> 00:23:36,060 and that's a really thin person. 617 00:23:36,260 --> 00:23:39,940 Mismanaged waste kills up to a million people a year globally 618 00:23:40,140 --> 00:23:43,820 and can potentially carry diphtheria, dysentery, 619 00:23:44,020 --> 00:23:46,570 hepatitis A and B and C and D and E, 620 00:23:46,770 --> 00:23:49,780 meningitis, cancer, tetanus, tuberculosis, pneumonia, 621 00:23:49,980 --> 00:23:52,990 influenza, syphilis and assorted blood-borne pathogens, 622 00:23:53,190 --> 00:23:55,830 parasitic infections, zoonotic illnesses, 623 00:23:56,030 --> 00:23:57,920 plus there won't be any place to park. 624 00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:00,090 I can't hear any more. I'm convinced. 625 00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:03,050 Private demolition and waste management is important. 626 00:24:03,250 --> 00:24:05,170 It's important! Oh! 627 00:24:05,370 --> 00:24:06,760 [Midge] It is important. 628 00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,970 People think happiness is such a difficult thing to attain, 629 00:24:10,170 --> 00:24:11,720 when in reality it all comes down 630 00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:13,180 to the little things in life: 631 00:24:13,380 --> 00:24:16,350 family, friends, smiles 632 00:24:16,550 --> 00:24:19,100 and private demolition and waste management. 633 00:24:19,300 --> 00:24:21,650 The truth is right in front of your face, 634 00:24:21,850 --> 00:24:23,650 or on the sole of your shoe. 635 00:24:23,850 --> 00:24:25,190 Tell 'em, folks. 636 00:24:25,390 --> 00:24:28,000 [lively music playing] 637 00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:33,870 ♪ Goodbye, junk misplaced ♪ 638 00:24:34,070 --> 00:24:38,870 ♪ So long, fumes we taste ♪ 639 00:24:39,070 --> 00:24:43,630 ♪ Ah, hello, private waste ♪ 640 00:24:43,830 --> 00:24:48,110 ♪ Private waste management ♪ 641 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:53,810 ♪ Take it away ♪ 642 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:57,020 - ♪ Trash ♪♪ - [cheering] 643 00:24:57,220 --> 00:24:59,040 All right, Tess! 644 00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:12,280 Well, I was a little behind at the beginning, I admit. 645 00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:14,240 It took me 45 minutes to realize she was talking about the dog... 646 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:15,620 It's as if each play was written by a different person. 647 00:25:15,820 --> 00:25:17,200 I don't know his theater work. 648 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:18,660 I only know his writing in The Voice. 649 00:25:18,860 --> 00:25:21,080 Well, his theater work is infinitely better. 650 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:22,670 Oh, he'd love to hear that, Abe. 651 00:25:22,870 --> 00:25:25,090 I just mean that i-in the theater, 652 00:25:25,290 --> 00:25:27,460 he can explore more meaningful subjects. 653 00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:29,510 There are layers to his work onstage. 654 00:25:29,710 --> 00:25:32,090 - Some of his work. - The Taskmaster? 655 00:25:32,290 --> 00:25:33,850 Oh, sure, pick the one great one, 656 00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,390 but A Bridge to a Road? 657 00:25:35,590 --> 00:25:37,060 - Terrible title. - Terrible play. 658 00:25:37,260 --> 00:25:38,850 - I don't think so. Abe? - But a couple of terrific monologues. 659 00:25:39,050 --> 00:25:41,060 Abe, that was an Irish accent, right? 660 00:25:41,260 --> 00:25:43,940 - Dublin. - Dublin. I assume he means the Dublin in Ireland. 661 00:25:44,140 --> 00:25:46,190 You do realize he's sitting right over there? 662 00:25:46,390 --> 00:25:48,320 - Where? - Right th... Carl! 663 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,070 - One of your best. - Hear, hear. 664 00:25:50,270 --> 00:25:51,700 - Congratulations. - It was wonderful. - Well done. 665 00:25:51,900 --> 00:25:54,370 Well, now I feel a little dirty. 666 00:25:54,570 --> 00:25:56,700 - Who was that? - That was the playwright. 667 00:25:56,900 --> 00:26:00,330 - Really? He looks so normal. - Like a bank teller. 668 00:26:00,530 --> 00:26:02,710 Well, he's not a bank teller. He's a talented writer. 669 00:26:02,910 --> 00:26:04,380 Occasionally, yes, he is. 670 00:26:04,580 --> 00:26:05,750 Better to be a bank teller. 671 00:26:05,950 --> 00:26:07,210 A bank teller can always get a job. 672 00:26:07,410 --> 00:26:09,670 But seriously, Abe, you liked this play tonight? 673 00:26:09,870 --> 00:26:11,670 I did. I thought his contemplation 674 00:26:11,870 --> 00:26:13,680 on God and religion, 675 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:17,010 the parallels between marriage and death and madness-- 676 00:26:17,210 --> 00:26:20,350 though a little heavy-handed-- was extremely thoughtful. 677 00:26:20,550 --> 00:26:22,770 My goodness. When did all of that happen? 678 00:26:22,970 --> 00:26:24,480 That's what the play was about. 679 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:26,900 Really? I thought it was about a little boy who loses his dog. 680 00:26:27,100 --> 00:26:28,980 - In Dublin. - Yes, in Dublin. - [laughter] 681 00:26:29,180 --> 00:26:31,780 No, that was just a device he used 682 00:26:31,980 --> 00:26:35,910 to talk about the man's confusion with his sexuality 683 00:26:36,110 --> 00:26:38,910 and his tortured relationship with Jesus. 684 00:26:39,110 --> 00:26:40,830 When did they mention Jesus? 685 00:26:41,030 --> 00:26:44,210 They didn't have to mention it. Jesus was all over the place. 686 00:26:44,410 --> 00:26:48,090 His wife's name was Mary. He wore sandals, the wine. 687 00:26:48,290 --> 00:26:51,010 He owned a bar. Wouldn't they have wine in a bar? 688 00:26:51,210 --> 00:26:53,050 You know, they usually don't have very good wine in a bar. 689 00:26:53,250 --> 00:26:55,470 - It's always warm. - I never order wine in a bar. 690 00:26:55,670 --> 00:26:57,100 When are you ever in a bar? 691 00:26:57,290 --> 00:26:59,220 Never, which is why I never order wine in a bar. 692 00:26:59,420 --> 00:27:01,560 - [laughter] - Well, I didn't notice any of these things. 693 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,390 I thought it was a very touching story of a boy and his dog. 694 00:27:04,590 --> 00:27:06,440 - And the dog was terrific. - [Rose] Wonderful. 695 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:08,980 Oh, wait. Last November. I was in a bar last November. 696 00:27:09,180 --> 00:27:10,190 With whom? 697 00:27:10,390 --> 00:27:12,900 That wasn't what the play was about at all, Rose. 698 00:27:13,100 --> 00:27:15,110 But I agree with you about the dog. 699 00:27:15,310 --> 00:27:18,120 They never mention Jesus or his confusion with his sexuality. 700 00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:21,040 - They don't have to mention it. - Well, it would certainly help. 701 00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:22,830 Anyhow, that's not the play I saw. 702 00:27:23,030 --> 00:27:25,250 Art is there for your interpretation, Rose. 703 00:27:25,450 --> 00:27:27,500 [Abe] No, it's not. 704 00:27:27,700 --> 00:27:30,670 You don't just decide the story is whatever you want it to be. 705 00:27:30,870 --> 00:27:32,510 I didn't decide anything. 706 00:27:32,700 --> 00:27:34,470 I watched a boy and his dog who died. 707 00:27:34,670 --> 00:27:37,800 - But it wasn't about that. - How do you know? 708 00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:41,140 I am a theater critic. I'm paid to know. 709 00:27:41,340 --> 00:27:43,270 It's fine if you didn't get it. 710 00:27:43,470 --> 00:27:45,870 It's not Guys and Dolls. 711 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:50,650 Well, I just loved her dress. [laughs] 712 00:27:50,850 --> 00:27:51,860 Well, I need another drink. 713 00:27:52,060 --> 00:27:53,150 You loved Guys and Dolls. 714 00:27:53,350 --> 00:27:55,110 Of course I did. It was a delight. 715 00:27:55,310 --> 00:27:57,320 - Tuppance, drink? - I saw Guys and Dolls with... 716 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:58,820 Is it possible, Abe, that you're wrong? 717 00:27:59,020 --> 00:28:01,450 That the play tonight was not actually a deep meditation 718 00:28:01,650 --> 00:28:03,580 on Jesus and latent homosexuality 719 00:28:03,780 --> 00:28:07,750 but instead a sweet, simple play about a boy who lost his dog? 720 00:28:07,950 --> 00:28:10,130 - No. - It's not possible? 721 00:28:10,330 --> 00:28:12,210 - Under any circumstances? - No, Rose, 722 00:28:12,410 --> 00:28:15,090 and I don't know why you're getting so upset over this. 723 00:28:15,290 --> 00:28:18,930 - Because you're calling me an idiot. - I am not calling you an idiot. 724 00:28:19,130 --> 00:28:22,390 I simply said you don't understand the play, 725 00:28:22,590 --> 00:28:25,390 - at all. That's fine. - Because I'm an idiot. 726 00:28:25,590 --> 00:28:27,440 Retreat, retreat, retreat. 727 00:28:27,630 --> 00:28:29,650 Rose, just because you can't grasp 728 00:28:29,850 --> 00:28:31,980 a complex thematic piece like this 729 00:28:32,180 --> 00:28:34,650 is not some reflection on your intelligence. 730 00:28:34,850 --> 00:28:38,110 I don't understand anything that you do. 731 00:28:38,310 --> 00:28:39,820 Does that make me an idiot? 732 00:28:40,020 --> 00:28:42,410 - I'm gonna have dessert. - Me, too. 733 00:28:42,610 --> 00:28:44,040 You know what? Maybe you're right. 734 00:28:44,230 --> 00:28:46,250 - Thank you. - Let's ask the man who wrote it. 735 00:28:46,450 --> 00:28:48,250 What? No, Rose. 736 00:28:48,450 --> 00:28:49,710 You do not interrupt a post-opening meal. 737 00:28:49,910 --> 00:28:51,920 Not until the good reviews come out. Rose! 738 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:54,920 Excuse me. I'm Rose Weissman, Abe's wife. 739 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:58,760 We just saw your play tonight, and, um, do you mind? 740 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:01,970 - Oh, well, I, uh... - Thank you so much. 741 00:29:02,170 --> 00:29:03,890 I was just wondering if you could tell us 742 00:29:04,090 --> 00:29:05,470 what you think your play's about. 743 00:29:05,670 --> 00:29:07,730 He wrote it, Rose. He knows what it's about. 744 00:29:07,930 --> 00:29:10,140 - Hello, Carl. - Hello, Abe. 745 00:29:10,340 --> 00:29:12,270 The sound design was terrific. 746 00:29:12,470 --> 00:29:13,940 Well, fine. Tell me, then. 747 00:29:14,140 --> 00:29:15,530 What was your play about? 748 00:29:15,720 --> 00:29:17,940 Well, when I was a boy, I had a dog named Tom, 749 00:29:18,140 --> 00:29:19,650 and he died very suddenly one summer, 750 00:29:19,850 --> 00:29:22,410 and I never really got over it. 751 00:29:22,610 --> 00:29:24,530 Is that it? 752 00:29:24,730 --> 00:29:26,680 I-It was very scarring. 753 00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:35,040 [radio announcer] Now the Crusaders come into this game 754 00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:38,360 sporting a 26 and 2 record, while the Marksmen have... 755 00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:45,200 [elevator bell chimes] 756 00:29:48,910 --> 00:29:50,770 - [laughter] - [romantic music playing] 757 00:29:50,970 --> 00:29:52,910 [Zelda and Janusz conversing in Polish] 758 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:03,490 Oh! Mr. and Mrs. Weissman! 759 00:30:03,690 --> 00:30:05,700 Janusz just proposed, and I said yes! 760 00:30:05,900 --> 00:30:07,580 - She said yes. - Can I make you a sandwich? 761 00:30:07,780 --> 00:30:10,290 What? No. No. You proposed? 762 00:30:10,490 --> 00:30:12,000 - And I said yes. - She said yes. 763 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:13,250 How about an omelet? 764 00:30:13,450 --> 00:30:14,960 No. No omelet. 765 00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,500 Oh, Zelda. I'm so happy for you. 766 00:30:17,700 --> 00:30:19,380 Thank you, Mrs. Weissman. 767 00:30:19,580 --> 00:30:21,010 I will clean up the rose petals after dessert. 768 00:30:21,210 --> 00:30:22,470 You've got yourself a wonderful woman. 769 00:30:22,670 --> 00:30:24,050 Thank you, Mr. Weissman. 770 00:30:24,250 --> 00:30:25,720 I fixed the light in the linen closet. 771 00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:27,430 Oh, good. 772 00:30:27,630 --> 00:30:30,430 - Well, good night. - Yes. Good night. 773 00:30:30,630 --> 00:30:32,580 [romantic music continues] 774 00:30:36,290 --> 00:30:37,770 [speaking Polish] 775 00:30:37,970 --> 00:30:39,920 [muffled music playing in distance] 776 00:30:43,590 --> 00:30:45,590 [muffled music continues] 777 00:30:47,470 --> 00:30:49,080 [Zelda] I finished the dishes. 778 00:30:49,280 --> 00:30:50,580 [Janusz] I moved furniture back. 779 00:30:50,780 --> 00:30:52,660 [Zelda] What a wonderful evening. 780 00:30:52,860 --> 00:30:55,430 - [door creaks] - [Janusz] The door needs oil. 781 00:31:02,770 --> 00:31:05,510 [rustling outside room] 782 00:31:05,710 --> 00:31:06,900 [door opens] 783 00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:11,910 [door thumps softly] 784 00:31:21,750 --> 00:31:23,750 [petals rustling] 785 00:31:53,780 --> 00:31:55,830 [sighs softly] 786 00:32:13,300 --> 00:32:15,300 [clock ticking softly] 787 00:32:35,070 --> 00:32:36,730 - Wow. - This was performed? 788 00:32:36,930 --> 00:32:38,940 - In front of live people? - Unfortunately, yes. 789 00:32:39,140 --> 00:32:41,230 - We work too hard. - I just want it a little better. 790 00:32:41,430 --> 00:32:42,730 Please, any suggestion at all. 791 00:32:42,930 --> 00:32:44,570 Adam, come on. Jump in here. Your wife's so fat that... 792 00:32:44,770 --> 00:32:46,240 Well, that's just rude. 793 00:32:46,440 --> 00:32:48,030 No. You're always making "my wife's so fat" jokes. 794 00:32:48,230 --> 00:32:49,700 The woman's had three kids. 795 00:32:49,900 --> 00:32:51,700 You try losing the baby weight after three kids. 796 00:32:51,900 --> 00:32:53,280 [Trudy] Alvin, is the script ready yet? 797 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:55,490 - Almost. - 'Cause I should be typing it already. 798 00:32:55,690 --> 00:32:57,370 - One second, Trudy. - Should I bring in my typewriter? 799 00:32:57,570 --> 00:32:59,670 - Will it make you happy, Trudy? - Gordon's gonna need it soon. 800 00:32:59,870 --> 00:33:01,420 Even if I had a better opening joke. 801 00:33:01,620 --> 00:33:03,250 We have to finish our real work first, Midge. 802 00:33:03,450 --> 00:33:05,340 I was gonna pitch the kid should get a pole through his head, 803 00:33:05,540 --> 00:33:07,210 - but that's already taken. - What about a pogo stick? - [door slams shut] 804 00:33:07,410 --> 00:33:09,380 [Gordon] Goddamn it, George! 805 00:33:09,580 --> 00:33:10,930 Ah, I can't believe this is happening! 806 00:33:11,130 --> 00:33:13,140 [George] We will fix this, Gordon. 807 00:33:13,340 --> 00:33:16,020 [phones ringing] 808 00:33:16,210 --> 00:33:18,770 - No one saw him go? - He was in the makeup chair. 809 00:33:18,970 --> 00:33:20,310 Sally went to get some more cotton balls. 810 00:33:20,510 --> 00:33:22,270 When she came back, he was gone. 811 00:33:22,470 --> 00:33:24,480 - Did I need to know about the cotton balls, Marge? - No, Gordon. 812 00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:26,280 Was that information pertinent to this situation? 813 00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:28,570 - I'm just filling you in, Gordon. - Oh! Well, thank you. 814 00:33:28,770 --> 00:33:30,200 Any other random facts you want to throw in there? 815 00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:31,700 What was the temperature of the room when he left? 816 00:33:31,900 --> 00:33:33,120 Was he cold? Maybe he needed a sweater. 817 00:33:33,320 --> 00:33:34,370 Maybe that's why 818 00:33:34,570 --> 00:33:35,740 20 minutes before I'm supposed to go on air, 819 00:33:35,940 --> 00:33:37,870 my fucking comedian takes off and no one notices. 820 00:33:38,070 --> 00:33:39,460 Have we checked the sweater room? 821 00:33:39,650 --> 00:33:41,620 Do we have a sweater room? Maybe we need a sweater room. 822 00:33:41,820 --> 00:33:42,960 George, call a guy. 823 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:44,380 I want a sweater room installed right now. 824 00:33:44,580 --> 00:33:45,800 Okay. Are you serious about that? 825 00:33:45,990 --> 00:33:47,550 No, I'm not serious about installing a sweater room. 826 00:33:47,750 --> 00:33:49,800 I am serious about the fact that I'm now missing a guest, 827 00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:51,800 and is anyone doing anything about that? Mike? 828 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:53,260 - I'm on it, Gordon. - You are my talent booker. 829 00:33:53,460 --> 00:33:54,850 Book me some goddamn talent. Marge? 830 00:33:55,050 --> 00:33:56,510 - Yes? - Was I just an asshole to you? 831 00:33:56,710 --> 00:33:58,720 - Yes. - I'm sorry. Buy yourself some flowers. Mike? 832 00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:00,140 Got his manager on the line now. 833 00:34:00,340 --> 00:34:02,230 How? How does he just leave? 834 00:34:02,430 --> 00:34:04,310 He's unstable. That's why he's funny. 835 00:34:04,510 --> 00:34:06,270 - Eh, he's not that funny. - He could come back. 836 00:34:06,470 --> 00:34:08,030 I don't think he's coming back. 837 00:34:08,230 --> 00:34:10,820 He took his coat, his hat and a Gordon Ford Show coffee mug. 838 00:34:11,020 --> 00:34:12,660 From now on, no one gets a mug 839 00:34:12,850 --> 00:34:15,240 until after they've actually appeared on the show. 840 00:34:15,440 --> 00:34:17,910 - Am I clear? Mike? - No coffee mugs until after the show. 841 00:34:18,110 --> 00:34:20,250 - I mean where are we with a comic, Mike? - Doing my best, Gordon. 842 00:34:20,450 --> 00:34:23,120 Okay, well, bright side, it's the final slot. 843 00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:25,920 People may have tuned out by then. 844 00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:27,500 Is that the bright side, George? 845 00:34:27,700 --> 00:34:29,210 That people have tuned out before the show is even over? 846 00:34:29,410 --> 00:34:32,380 No, I mean, why don't we just extend the next to last guest, 847 00:34:32,580 --> 00:34:34,300 - the guy from the Bronx Zoo? - Oh, God. 848 00:34:34,500 --> 00:34:36,180 We'll just ask him to bring out a third animal. 849 00:34:36,380 --> 00:34:37,850 No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm-I'm not pretending 850 00:34:38,050 --> 00:34:39,470 to give a shit about three animals. 851 00:34:39,670 --> 00:34:40,850 I don't give a shit about two animals. 852 00:34:41,050 --> 00:34:43,230 One animal can go fuck himself. I want a comic! 853 00:34:43,430 --> 00:34:46,230 - Writers! [grunts] - [panicked chatter] 854 00:34:46,430 --> 00:34:48,440 Pay close attention! 855 00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:50,230 Any loser stand-ups that you know, 856 00:34:50,430 --> 00:34:51,900 that you're friends with, went to school with, 857 00:34:52,100 --> 00:34:53,360 that you bowl with, who fucked your cousin 858 00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:55,200 or who you might be related to, call them. 859 00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:57,120 Bring them in, Mike will vet them, and even if they stink, 860 00:34:57,320 --> 00:34:59,030 he will still give them the thumbs up. 861 00:34:59,230 --> 00:35:01,160 I repeat, anyone breathing with a tight six minutes, 862 00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:03,000 it's their goddamn lucky day. 863 00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:05,620 Mike! You and that Rolodex, my office, now! 864 00:35:05,820 --> 00:35:07,170 Yep! 865 00:35:07,370 --> 00:35:09,310 - [phones ringing] - [busy chatter] 866 00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:12,840 [Alvin] Come on, guys, someone must know someone. 867 00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:14,430 [Herb] Gee, Alvin, I don't know. 868 00:35:14,620 --> 00:35:15,970 [Cecil] Got a dozen knock-knock jokes. 869 00:35:16,170 --> 00:35:18,220 - No? Nobody? - [Adam] Cecil, what about your dad? 870 00:35:18,420 --> 00:35:22,890 Now, this is going to be a very nice house, 871 00:35:23,090 --> 00:35:26,730 so I'd appreciate if you didn't immediately shit all over it. 872 00:35:26,930 --> 00:35:29,190 - [phone ringing] - You have an entire city out there. 873 00:35:29,390 --> 00:35:30,830 Crap to your heart's content. 874 00:35:32,460 --> 00:35:35,150 Susie Myerson and... Yep. Yep, she's right here. 875 00:35:35,350 --> 00:35:37,160 It's Midge. 876 00:35:37,360 --> 00:35:38,490 Hey there. 877 00:35:38,690 --> 00:35:40,370 Question: how much trouble will you get in 878 00:35:40,570 --> 00:35:41,990 if I don't do the garbage show today? 879 00:35:42,190 --> 00:35:43,450 You mean how many limbs will I lose? 880 00:35:43,650 --> 00:35:44,830 - Yes. - And will I miss them? 881 00:35:45,030 --> 00:35:46,670 - Right. - I'd say four and I would. 882 00:35:46,870 --> 00:35:49,040 There's a chance I might be on the show tonight. 883 00:35:49,240 --> 00:35:51,250 - What show? - The Gordon Ford Show. 884 00:35:51,450 --> 00:35:52,710 Fuck. 885 00:35:52,910 --> 00:35:54,340 Is that a bad "fuck" or a good "fuck"? 886 00:35:54,540 --> 00:35:56,380 It's a bad "fuck" at the moment, but it could turn into 887 00:35:56,580 --> 00:35:58,140 a good "fuck" if you get on the show. 888 00:35:58,340 --> 00:36:00,760 It's basically a very flexible "fuck." What's going on? 889 00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:02,520 Things are happening. Stay by the phone. 890 00:36:02,710 --> 00:36:04,180 I'll call you back. 891 00:36:04,380 --> 00:36:06,390 Diller's in Paris, Schreiber's in Denver, 892 00:36:06,590 --> 00:36:09,400 Sahl's sick. Stiller said yes, Meara said no. 893 00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:12,110 [groans] She never forgave that crack about her upper arms. 894 00:36:12,310 --> 00:36:14,530 Waiting to hear from Storch and Allen. Should I try Hope? 895 00:36:14,730 --> 00:36:15,740 No. 896 00:36:15,940 --> 00:36:16,950 Fuck. Yes. 897 00:36:17,150 --> 00:36:19,170 Okay. Be right back. 898 00:36:22,340 --> 00:36:24,260 - Gordon? - Yeah? 899 00:36:25,260 --> 00:36:27,920 - Put me in, Coach. - What? 900 00:36:28,110 --> 00:36:30,210 I've got 20 clean, broadcast-friendly minutes 901 00:36:30,410 --> 00:36:31,420 on various topics. 902 00:36:31,620 --> 00:36:33,090 I've got family jokes, political jokes. 903 00:36:33,290 --> 00:36:35,460 I've got political family jokes. I'm ready. 904 00:36:35,660 --> 00:36:37,050 For what? 905 00:36:37,250 --> 00:36:38,380 To go on the show. 906 00:36:38,580 --> 00:36:40,260 - This show? - Yes. 907 00:36:40,460 --> 00:36:42,050 What other show is there? 908 00:36:42,250 --> 00:36:44,060 Tina, could you give me a minute, please? 909 00:36:44,260 --> 00:36:45,980 - Don't touch your nose. - I will not touch my nose. 910 00:36:46,170 --> 00:36:48,540 - Don't touch his nose. - Mm-hmm. 911 00:36:49,750 --> 00:36:52,230 So? What do you think? 912 00:36:52,430 --> 00:36:54,190 I think, yes, you should not touch my nose. 913 00:36:54,390 --> 00:36:56,400 Come on. It solves all your problems. 914 00:36:56,600 --> 00:36:57,990 I'm right here, I will not disappear from the green room, 915 00:36:58,190 --> 00:36:59,410 and I just had my hair done. 916 00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:00,820 - Midge... - I'll run the jokes by the team. 917 00:37:01,020 --> 00:37:02,030 I'll even ask Alvin for his opinion, 918 00:37:02,230 --> 00:37:03,200 even though I truly don't care. 919 00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:05,830 - It's not gonna happen. - Why not? 920 00:37:06,030 --> 00:37:07,550 Thank you for offering. 921 00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,330 Is this because I won't go out with you? 922 00:37:10,530 --> 00:37:12,460 - I don't think that's been settled yet. - It's pretty settled. 923 00:37:12,660 --> 00:37:13,710 Not the way I remember it. 924 00:37:13,910 --> 00:37:15,340 Me dating you and the Dreyfus affair. Settled. 925 00:37:15,540 --> 00:37:17,340 - No, this is not because you won't go out with me. - Then why? 926 00:37:17,540 --> 00:37:18,380 Because I'm too pretty? 927 00:37:18,580 --> 00:37:20,680 No, but you are very pretty. 928 00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:22,800 We have a rule here, hard and fast, never been broken. 929 00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:25,010 No one who works on the show can be on the show. 930 00:37:25,210 --> 00:37:27,180 Well, that's a dumb rule. Change that rule. 931 00:37:27,380 --> 00:37:29,020 I'm not gonna change that rule. 932 00:37:29,220 --> 00:37:30,390 Gordon, I'm a stand-up. 933 00:37:30,590 --> 00:37:33,110 - You saw me. You liked me. - I did. 934 00:37:33,300 --> 00:37:34,400 No exceptions. 935 00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:36,110 I want to be on your couch. 936 00:37:36,310 --> 00:37:38,110 - Oh, well, sure... - No, not that couch. 937 00:37:38,310 --> 00:37:39,900 - Sorry. - This is dumb. 938 00:37:40,100 --> 00:37:41,740 You have an empty slot to fill. 939 00:37:41,940 --> 00:37:44,200 You said, and I quote: "Any loser comic." 940 00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:45,700 You even said they could stink. 941 00:37:45,900 --> 00:37:47,120 You know Ralph's a stand-up? 942 00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:48,700 I did not know that. 943 00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:50,960 He really wants to be on the show. 944 00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:52,790 Ralph's never coming on the show. 945 00:37:52,990 --> 00:37:54,500 - Okay, but... - Cecil's a comic, too. 946 00:37:54,700 --> 00:37:56,550 A good one. Cecil's never coming on the show. 947 00:37:56,750 --> 00:37:58,960 - Mel's a stand-up. - I know about Mel. 948 00:37:59,160 --> 00:38:00,170 Works all the time. People love him. 949 00:38:00,370 --> 00:38:01,340 Mel's never coming on the show. 950 00:38:01,540 --> 00:38:03,930 This is an arbitrary rule. 951 00:38:04,130 --> 00:38:05,890 Willie tried. You know Willie? 952 00:38:06,090 --> 00:38:07,390 The security guard? 953 00:38:07,590 --> 00:38:10,270 Singer. Beautiful baritone voice. 954 00:38:10,470 --> 00:38:12,440 - Willie's not coming on the show. - Gordon... 955 00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:14,020 You make a good living here, right? 956 00:38:14,220 --> 00:38:17,150 - I do. - It's nice, the paycheck. 957 00:38:17,350 --> 00:38:18,500 That should be enough. 958 00:38:19,540 --> 00:38:21,400 Well, guess that's it. 959 00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:23,300 That's it. 960 00:38:24,340 --> 00:38:26,330 Thank you for your time. 961 00:38:26,520 --> 00:38:28,660 Now, I have to go, or I'll be late for my garbage gig. 962 00:38:28,860 --> 00:38:30,700 I have no context for what you just said. 963 00:38:30,900 --> 00:38:33,000 Send Tina back in. 964 00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:34,460 [Midge] He touched his nose. 965 00:38:34,660 --> 00:38:36,380 I did not. 966 00:38:36,580 --> 00:38:39,090 - [Tulip] I'm not wearing that. - I will pay you an extra ten. 967 00:38:39,290 --> 00:38:40,510 That's embarrassing. 968 00:38:40,710 --> 00:38:41,920 Oh, what you got on now is a step-up? 969 00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:44,260 - [Midge] Susie. - What are you doing here? 970 00:38:44,460 --> 00:38:45,640 What happened to being on the show? 971 00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:47,100 It's not happening. That's what happened. 972 00:38:47,300 --> 00:38:48,850 Can I have my jumpsuit, please? 973 00:38:49,050 --> 00:38:51,810 - I don't understand. - A writer can't be on the show, ever. 974 00:38:52,010 --> 00:38:54,060 The fuck are you talking about? You can go. 975 00:38:54,260 --> 00:38:56,360 Fine. Here. 976 00:38:56,550 --> 00:38:57,980 It's a rule. Never broken. 977 00:38:58,180 --> 00:39:00,320 I will never appear on The Gordon Ford Show. 978 00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:02,490 - Fuck! - A good "fuck" or a bad "fuck"? 979 00:39:02,690 --> 00:39:05,110 - That is a flat-out bad "fuck." - I second that "fuck," 980 00:39:05,310 --> 00:39:07,490 and I'll raise you two "shits" and a "cocksucker." 981 00:39:07,690 --> 00:39:09,910 - It's a stupid-ass rule! - Yes, it is. 982 00:39:10,110 --> 00:39:12,960 Okay. I'm gonna go get this over with, if you don't mind. 983 00:39:13,150 --> 00:39:14,850 [Ethan] Mommy! Mommy! 984 00:39:16,060 --> 00:39:17,790 Ethan. Hi, baby. 985 00:39:17,990 --> 00:39:19,420 We're here to see the show. 986 00:39:19,620 --> 00:39:21,670 - How did you know about the show? - You invited us. 987 00:39:21,870 --> 00:39:24,510 - Oh, shit, that's right. - [Joel] We almost didn't make it. 988 00:39:24,710 --> 00:39:25,930 Esther suddenly decided she was sick of hearing 989 00:39:26,130 --> 00:39:28,140 - the voices of our family. - Wow. 990 00:39:28,340 --> 00:39:30,680 I had to bribe her with ice cream and a trip to FAO Schwarz. 991 00:39:30,880 --> 00:39:32,680 She's a genius. 992 00:39:32,880 --> 00:39:34,850 - [Joel] You okay? - Yes. I'm fine. 993 00:39:35,050 --> 00:39:37,060 - You remembered we were coming, right? - I did. 994 00:39:37,260 --> 00:39:38,860 Just as soon as you got here. 995 00:39:39,060 --> 00:39:40,110 - You want us to go? - No. 996 00:39:40,310 --> 00:39:42,230 No. Stay, enjoy the show. 997 00:39:42,430 --> 00:39:44,990 I just had a bad day, that's all. 998 00:39:45,190 --> 00:39:46,280 Why? Problems at work? 999 00:39:46,480 --> 00:39:48,450 {\an8}- Well... - Ah! Too much talking! 1000 00:39:48,650 --> 00:39:50,740 Boy, are you in the wrong family, kid. 1001 00:39:50,940 --> 00:39:52,870 Okay. There's hot dogs around somewhere. 1002 00:39:53,070 --> 00:39:55,260 Just stuff their faces. I'll see you after. 1003 00:39:56,430 --> 00:39:57,930 Hey. 1004 00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:01,170 Just... 1005 00:40:01,370 --> 00:40:03,710 some days are harder than others, you know? 1006 00:40:03,910 --> 00:40:06,020 Yeah. I know. 1007 00:40:10,570 --> 00:40:12,890 - [Esther] Daddy! Daddy! - Hey, Esther. - [P.A. chimes] 1008 00:40:13,090 --> 00:40:14,350 [man over P.A.] The public has spoken. 1009 00:40:14,550 --> 00:40:15,640 - Hey. Hey. Sorry. Sorry. - Private Waste Management: 1010 00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:17,020 A Musical Journey in Three Acts 1011 00:40:17,220 --> 00:40:19,310 - is a hit. - That looks good. - Yeah. 1012 00:40:19,510 --> 00:40:21,710 Catch it now on the main stage. 1013 00:40:24,670 --> 00:40:26,860 Ah, ah, ah. 1014 00:40:27,060 --> 00:40:28,910 [gentle music playing] 1015 00:40:29,110 --> 00:40:31,080 [boy] Now I lay me down to sleep, 1016 00:40:31,270 --> 00:40:33,160 I pray the Lord my soul to keep. 1017 00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:35,910 Please bless Mommy and Daddy and my little brother... 1018 00:40:36,110 --> 00:40:38,430 - [Midge grunts] - [loud clatter] 1019 00:40:42,060 --> 00:40:43,420 And, mostly, God, please bless... 1020 00:40:43,620 --> 00:40:45,860 Christ. Hot in there. 1021 00:40:48,820 --> 00:40:50,110 Go on. 1022 00:40:51,150 --> 00:40:53,180 [boy] Please bless New York City, 1023 00:40:53,380 --> 00:40:55,520 the greatest city in the whole wide world. 1024 00:40:55,720 --> 00:40:58,410 I sure am lucky I live here. Amen. 1025 00:40:59,700 --> 00:41:02,190 [Midge] This kid's gonna spend the next ten years 1026 00:41:02,390 --> 00:41:04,570 - stuffed in a locker. - Hey, guys, he's asleep. 1027 00:41:04,770 --> 00:41:06,540 [trash can lid clatters] 1028 00:41:11,210 --> 00:41:13,030 ♪ Who do you call to haul the trash ♪ 1029 00:41:13,230 --> 00:41:15,330 ♪ The city trucks won't touch? ♪ 1030 00:41:15,530 --> 00:41:17,040 ♪ Who's got the hard-won know-how ♪ 1031 00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:19,290 ♪ With things hazardous and such? ♪ 1032 00:41:19,490 --> 00:41:21,580 ♪ Who comes at night staying out of sight ♪ 1033 00:41:21,780 --> 00:41:24,130 ♪ And gone by break of day? ♪ 1034 00:41:24,330 --> 00:41:26,760 ♪ You got a pile, a full square mile ♪ 1035 00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:30,590 ♪ Who's gonna take it away? ♪ 1036 00:41:30,790 --> 00:41:34,010 - [apple crunches] - ♪ Your personal trash man can ♪ 1037 00:41:34,210 --> 00:41:35,680 ♪ He'll come and get... 1038 00:41:35,880 --> 00:41:42,500 ♪ Your personal trash man can ♪♪ 1039 00:41:45,040 --> 00:41:47,420 [applause] 1040 00:41:49,500 --> 00:41:51,320 Wow. Smell that fresh, sweet air. 1041 00:41:51,520 --> 00:41:53,120 You'd never know that just last night, 1042 00:41:53,310 --> 00:41:56,120 there was a mound of trash as high as an elephant's eye. 1043 00:41:56,320 --> 00:41:58,450 High enough that the Von Trapp Family Singers 1044 00:41:58,650 --> 00:42:00,330 could climb over it to escape the Nazis. 1045 00:42:00,530 --> 00:42:01,420 [imitates drum fill] 1046 00:42:01,610 --> 00:42:03,170 That's pretty high. 1047 00:42:03,370 --> 00:42:04,670 But now look at it. Gone. 1048 00:42:04,870 --> 00:42:06,880 Now all you see are sidewalks so clean 1049 00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:08,340 you could eat off them. 1050 00:42:08,540 --> 00:42:11,260 Streets so gleaming you could see your reflection. 1051 00:42:11,460 --> 00:42:15,550 - Hmm, looks like I need a shave. - [laughs] 1052 00:42:15,750 --> 00:42:17,810 Ah, that joke has found its demographic. 1053 00:42:18,010 --> 00:42:20,230 - What the fuck? - [bike bell rings] - [paperboy] Extra! Extra! 1054 00:42:20,430 --> 00:42:21,560 [Midge] There's the paperboy. 1055 00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:23,560 He delivers, well, papers, 1056 00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:25,360 which become trash, ironically. 1057 00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:27,900 - [lively chatter onstage] - There's a mother with her babies. 1058 00:42:28,100 --> 00:42:29,740 A guy with a briefcase who's the father 1059 00:42:29,930 --> 00:42:31,700 of at least one of those babies. 1060 00:42:31,890 --> 00:42:33,450 Apparently, the one thing these people haven't thrown away 1061 00:42:33,650 --> 00:42:34,570 is the amphetamines. 1062 00:42:34,770 --> 00:42:37,030 - [laughter] - [boy] It's not? - What? 1063 00:42:37,230 --> 00:42:38,990 Oh, right. Wait. Okay. 1064 00:42:39,190 --> 00:42:40,620 Here I am, okay. 1065 00:42:40,820 --> 00:42:42,210 You haven't missed much, trust me. 1066 00:42:42,410 --> 00:42:44,210 No, little boy, it's not. 1067 00:42:44,410 --> 00:42:46,880 The city only disposes of a small amount of the actual trash 1068 00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:49,090 that is thrown away, the easy stuff. 1069 00:42:49,290 --> 00:42:52,260 But we live in a big city. We have big city trash. 1070 00:42:52,460 --> 00:42:53,930 See where I'm going with this? 1071 00:42:54,130 --> 00:42:56,640 [boy] What is private demolition and waste management? 1072 00:42:56,840 --> 00:42:58,260 God, that's annoying. 1073 00:42:58,460 --> 00:42:59,770 Anyhoo... 1074 00:42:59,960 --> 00:43:01,480 [Tessie] ♪ There once were trees ♪ 1075 00:43:01,670 --> 00:43:04,390 - [yawns] - ♪ And clear blue seas ♪ 1076 00:43:04,590 --> 00:43:06,610 ♪ But now all the babies are born here ♪ 1077 00:43:06,800 --> 00:43:09,820 ♪ With rabies and full goatees ♪ 1078 00:43:10,020 --> 00:43:14,280 ♪ Oh, so tough to raise ♪ 1079 00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:17,070 ♪ We've seen better days ♪ 1080 00:43:17,270 --> 00:43:18,740 [screams onstage] 1081 00:43:18,940 --> 00:43:22,080 - ♪ Trash ♪ - ♪ This life ain't fair ♪ 1082 00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:24,460 - ♪ Smog ♪ - ♪ Beyond repair ♪ 1083 00:43:24,660 --> 00:43:26,630 - ♪ Death ♪ - ♪ You're begging for mercy ♪ 1084 00:43:26,820 --> 00:43:28,250 ♪ When you go to Jersey ♪ 1085 00:43:28,450 --> 00:43:29,840 ♪ To smell fresh air ♪ 1086 00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:31,380 - ♪ Hoboken ♪ - Too close. 1087 00:43:31,580 --> 00:43:33,920 - ♪ Sweet toxic haze ♪ - ♪ Haze ♪ 1088 00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:37,140 ♪ We've seen better days ♪ 1089 00:43:37,340 --> 00:43:39,100 - [screams onstage] - ♪ Telling you, good hygiene pays... 1090 00:43:39,300 --> 00:43:42,020 Hey, what the hell's going on up there? 1091 00:43:42,220 --> 00:43:44,230 - What? It's the trash show. - No, it's not. 1092 00:43:44,430 --> 00:43:46,770 - She's fucking around up there. - And she's still not off-book. 1093 00:43:46,970 --> 00:43:49,230 - What do you want from me? - I want what was promised. 1094 00:43:49,430 --> 00:43:50,480 She's up there. She's in the suit. 1095 00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:52,610 From the beginning, she's been a problem. 1096 00:43:52,810 --> 00:43:53,740 [Nicky] She wouldn't use the cigar. 1097 00:43:53,940 --> 00:43:54,990 Nobody's missing the cigar. 1098 00:43:55,190 --> 00:43:56,490 - I asked you for a favor. - I know. 1099 00:43:56,690 --> 00:43:58,620 And I thought you were taking that favor seriously. 1100 00:43:58,820 --> 00:43:59,950 I did take it seriously. 1101 00:44:00,150 --> 00:44:02,040 Does this look like serious to you? 1102 00:44:02,240 --> 00:44:03,790 [Midge] Is this a bad time to ask where his mother is? 1103 00:44:03,990 --> 00:44:05,870 [Frank] That looks like a temper tantrum, 1104 00:44:06,070 --> 00:44:08,130 and I don't like temper tantrums. 1105 00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:10,170 Listen to me, the next time I ask you for a favor... 1106 00:44:10,370 --> 00:44:12,710 - Next time? - Yeah, next time. 1107 00:44:12,910 --> 00:44:14,720 This was the favor, Frank. 1108 00:44:14,910 --> 00:44:16,680 What the fuck are you talking about? 1109 00:44:16,870 --> 00:44:18,220 We reciprocated. This was it. 1110 00:44:18,420 --> 00:44:21,180 - It? It? - There is no "it," Susie. 1111 00:44:21,380 --> 00:44:22,430 We own you. 1112 00:44:22,630 --> 00:44:24,390 Thirty percent of everything you do, 1113 00:44:24,590 --> 00:44:26,560 everything you touch, everything she touches. 1114 00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:27,890 That's the deal. 1115 00:44:28,090 --> 00:44:30,230 Yeah, but that was before we agreed to do this. 1116 00:44:30,430 --> 00:44:32,610 Oh, Susie, I think you have a problem understanding things. 1117 00:44:32,810 --> 00:44:35,190 No, I don't. This was supposed to make us square. 1118 00:44:35,390 --> 00:44:36,570 There is no making us square. 1119 00:44:36,770 --> 00:44:38,990 This is it. This is the situation. 1120 00:44:39,190 --> 00:44:40,530 [Midge] Mismanaged waste kills up to... 1121 00:44:40,730 --> 00:44:41,830 For how long? 1122 00:44:42,020 --> 00:44:44,750 For as long as you are Susie fucking Myerson! 1123 00:44:44,940 --> 00:44:48,330 Now you get your head straight, and you get her head straight. 1124 00:44:48,530 --> 00:44:50,250 And don't you ever fuck 1125 00:44:50,450 --> 00:44:53,210 with a musical production of ours again. 1126 00:44:53,410 --> 00:44:56,550 Next time, there's gonna be tech. 1127 00:44:56,750 --> 00:44:58,380 [Midge] ...parasitic illness. 1128 00:44:58,580 --> 00:45:00,550 Yeah, I guess while he mourns his little cartwheeler, 1129 00:45:00,750 --> 00:45:01,930 I'm supposed to tell you now about 1130 00:45:02,130 --> 00:45:03,760 all the ways that trash can kill you. 1131 00:45:03,960 --> 00:45:05,350 - Bye Bye Birdie it ain't. - [sighs] 1132 00:45:05,550 --> 00:45:06,810 What's going on here? 1133 00:45:07,010 --> 00:45:08,770 It's a trade show. Go buy some tires, hmm? 1134 00:45:08,970 --> 00:45:10,940 Why is Midge giving up onstage? She never gives up onstage. 1135 00:45:11,140 --> 00:45:13,150 I don't know, Joel. It's an off night. 1136 00:45:13,350 --> 00:45:15,650 - Ask for your money back. - Who are those guys, Susie? 1137 00:45:15,850 --> 00:45:17,110 - They're no one. - They don't look like no one. 1138 00:45:17,310 --> 00:45:19,450 - Well, they are. - Did you piss them off? 1139 00:45:19,650 --> 00:45:21,030 Leave me alone. 1140 00:45:21,230 --> 00:45:22,620 What did you do? 1141 00:45:22,820 --> 00:45:24,030 Why are they threatening you? 1142 00:45:24,230 --> 00:45:25,410 Why are they looking at Midge like she's got 1143 00:45:25,610 --> 00:45:26,620 a fucking lot number on her ass? 1144 00:45:26,820 --> 00:45:27,750 I don't know what you're talking about. 1145 00:45:27,950 --> 00:45:29,160 Did you get her mixed up in something? 1146 00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:31,170 What's happening, "manager"? You mobbed up? 1147 00:45:31,370 --> 00:45:32,290 - No. - No? 1148 00:45:32,490 --> 00:45:33,380 This whole place looks like 1149 00:45:33,580 --> 00:45:34,590 part two of the Apalachin meeting. 1150 00:45:34,790 --> 00:45:36,860 - I got to go. - Hey. Look at me. 1151 00:45:37,900 --> 00:45:39,720 - Do you have a handle on this? - Yes. 1152 00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:41,430 - Do you need help? - No. 1153 00:45:41,630 --> 00:45:43,510 How deep is my wife in this shit you got going here? 1154 00:45:43,710 --> 00:45:46,180 - Just go babysit, Joel, okay? - Fuck you. 1155 00:45:46,380 --> 00:45:47,930 You're not cute just 'cause you're four feet tall 1156 00:45:48,130 --> 00:45:49,560 and you dress like a Katzenjammer Kid. 1157 00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:51,270 I want to know what you're into. 1158 00:45:51,470 --> 00:45:53,650 Okay, well, thanks for stopping by. 1159 00:45:53,850 --> 00:45:55,360 I'm gonna find out, Susie. 1160 00:45:55,560 --> 00:45:57,230 I'm gonna get to the bottom of whatever it is 1161 00:45:57,430 --> 00:45:59,110 you have once again fucked up, you hear me? 1162 00:45:59,310 --> 00:46:02,910 ♪ Goodbye, junk misplaced ♪ 1163 00:46:03,110 --> 00:46:07,870 ♪ So long, fumes we taste ♪ 1164 00:46:08,070 --> 00:46:12,830 ♪ Ah, hello, private waste ♪ 1165 00:46:13,030 --> 00:46:18,090 {\an8}♪ Private waste management ♪ 1166 00:46:18,290 --> 00:46:22,800 {\an8}♪ Take it away ♪ 1167 00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:24,680 - ♪ Trash ♪♪ - [cheers, applause] 1168 00:46:24,880 --> 00:46:26,890 What are you, like, 30? 1169 00:46:27,090 --> 00:46:28,600 - [Hart] This is really a thrill. - [lively chatter] 1170 00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,560 We never get asked to do a third segment. 1171 00:46:30,760 --> 00:46:32,020 Do we, Cooper? 1172 00:46:32,220 --> 00:46:34,400 You sure you don't want to feed him a termite? 1173 00:46:34,600 --> 00:46:36,610 - I'm sure. - You're missing out. 1174 00:46:36,810 --> 00:46:40,070 And we're back from commercial in three, two... 1175 00:46:40,270 --> 00:46:42,210 - [cheers, applause] - [band playing lively music] 1176 00:46:47,300 --> 00:46:49,700 Welcome back, folks, and yes, we are still here 1177 00:46:49,900 --> 00:46:51,620 with my guest Hart Buckley of the Bronx Zoo, 1178 00:46:51,820 --> 00:46:53,670 and I just can't believe my luck 1179 00:46:53,860 --> 00:46:56,670 but he has yet one more adorable critter for us to meet, 1180 00:46:56,870 --> 00:46:58,090 - so let's... - [Sophie] Excuse me, sir. 1181 00:46:58,290 --> 00:46:59,960 - [audience gasping] - Is this the ladies' room? 1182 00:47:00,160 --> 00:47:01,480 [laughter, applause, cheers] 1183 00:47:03,440 --> 00:47:05,740 Well, what do you know, Sophie Lennon. 1184 00:47:07,240 --> 00:47:09,010 Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes. 1185 00:47:09,210 --> 00:47:10,520 - Mwah. - Mm, careful, Gordon. 1186 00:47:10,720 --> 00:47:12,140 That's how my fifth marriage started. 1187 00:47:12,340 --> 00:47:14,810 - And my fourth one ended. - [laughter] 1188 00:47:15,010 --> 00:47:17,310 [mouthing] 1189 00:47:17,510 --> 00:47:19,290 [audience cheering] 1190 00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:25,820 Well, that sure was a nice greeting. 1191 00:47:26,020 --> 00:47:27,780 - [laughter, whooping] - Hello. 1192 00:47:27,980 --> 00:47:30,830 I think I wore your brother to Delmonico's last night. 1193 00:47:31,030 --> 00:47:33,250 - [laughter] - Oh, we are delighted to see you, Sophie. 1194 00:47:33,450 --> 00:47:35,830 - Hey, would you like a termite? - Maybe later. 1195 00:47:36,030 --> 00:47:37,790 - [laughter] - Sophie Lennon, as you all know, folks, 1196 00:47:37,990 --> 00:47:39,750 hosts the hit game show Seconds Count. 1197 00:47:39,950 --> 00:47:42,050 - [cheers, applause] - Thank you. 1198 00:47:42,250 --> 00:47:44,380 It is a hit, isn't it? 1199 00:47:44,580 --> 00:47:46,430 Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't your studio 1200 00:47:46,630 --> 00:47:48,390 - right down the hall? - I think it is. 1201 00:47:48,590 --> 00:47:50,850 And yet, I believe this is the first time you've come to visit. 1202 00:47:51,050 --> 00:47:53,430 - Is that right? - Now, not to be too much a braggart, 1203 00:47:53,630 --> 00:47:54,730 but I feel we've been 1204 00:47:54,930 --> 00:47:56,390 a good friend to you at The Gordon Ford Show. 1205 00:47:56,590 --> 00:47:59,020 - Maybe helped you get that hit show. - You did, Gordon. 1206 00:47:59,220 --> 00:48:02,530 I was at my lowest point, and you gave me a leg up. 1207 00:48:02,730 --> 00:48:03,940 So, what happened? 1208 00:48:04,140 --> 00:48:06,150 Well, you know me, once I've got my legs up... 1209 00:48:06,350 --> 00:48:08,510 [laughter] 1210 00:48:09,550 --> 00:48:11,370 [Gordon] Heel, Sophie, heel. 1211 00:48:11,570 --> 00:48:13,120 Hey. We need talk. 1212 00:48:13,320 --> 00:48:14,620 [whispering] What in the ever-loving fuck? 1213 00:48:14,820 --> 00:48:16,580 [whispering] Why didn't you tell me about this bullshit rule? 1214 00:48:16,780 --> 00:48:18,380 - What? - No one who works on the show 1215 00:48:18,570 --> 00:48:19,830 can be on the show, is that right? 1216 00:48:20,030 --> 00:48:21,340 Yeah. So? 1217 00:48:21,540 --> 00:48:23,300 So, why didn't you tell me that when you hired her? 1218 00:48:23,500 --> 00:48:25,840 - I didn't fucking hire her. - No excuse. 1219 00:48:26,040 --> 00:48:27,510 Little excuse. 1220 00:48:27,710 --> 00:48:29,180 - You need to fix this. - I need to... 1221 00:48:29,380 --> 00:48:31,560 There is a goddamn show going on. 1222 00:48:31,750 --> 00:48:35,730 - Well, fix it after. - I am not gonna fix anything. 1223 00:48:35,930 --> 00:48:37,230 It's a bullshit rule. 1224 00:48:37,430 --> 00:48:39,810 It's Gordon's rule. Talk to him. 1225 00:48:40,010 --> 00:48:41,480 Fuck. 1226 00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:44,320 [audience laughing] 1227 00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:45,900 [busy chatter] 1228 00:48:46,100 --> 00:48:48,050 - [elevator bell chimes] - [audience laughing in distance] 1229 00:48:57,760 --> 00:48:58,970 Susan? 1230 00:49:00,770 --> 00:49:02,130 [elevator bell chimes] 1231 00:49:02,330 --> 00:49:03,980 Susan! 1232 00:49:05,940 --> 00:49:07,920 Susan, they just waxed the floors. 1233 00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:09,590 Susan! 1234 00:49:09,790 --> 00:49:10,840 I will catch up with you. 1235 00:49:11,040 --> 00:49:12,470 Don't forget I played lacrosse. 1236 00:49:12,670 --> 00:49:14,260 Susan! Damn it. 1237 00:49:14,460 --> 00:49:16,850 Could you not? I'm in... Oh! 1238 00:49:17,050 --> 00:49:18,690 This is a ridiculous waste of stockings. 1239 00:49:18,880 --> 00:49:21,650 Stop. I mean, you're going to lose. 1240 00:49:21,850 --> 00:49:23,860 You know, this is just like that party we went to 1241 00:49:24,060 --> 00:49:25,860 where you were supposed to dress up as the woman you admire most, 1242 00:49:26,060 --> 00:49:27,110 and you came as Lady Macbeth, 1243 00:49:27,310 --> 00:49:28,530 and we got in that terrible fight. 1244 00:49:28,730 --> 00:49:31,570 You left and ran away, and I caught you then, too. 1245 00:49:31,770 --> 00:49:33,200 Oh, no, you went through a glass door. 1246 00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:35,590 - How will I ever find you? - [sighs] 1247 00:49:38,260 --> 00:49:40,170 You can't not talk to me. 1248 00:49:40,360 --> 00:49:41,830 There's a reason we ran into each other. 1249 00:49:42,030 --> 00:49:43,500 The universe is telling us something. 1250 00:49:43,700 --> 00:49:44,750 No, it isn't. 1251 00:49:44,950 --> 00:49:47,260 And this is nothing like that night or that party. 1252 00:49:47,460 --> 00:49:49,090 And you were on the lacrosse team for two hours, 1253 00:49:49,290 --> 00:49:51,130 - and then you got bored. - Lacrosse is boring. 1254 00:49:51,330 --> 00:49:52,680 I know it's boring. 1255 00:49:52,880 --> 00:49:54,760 I told you it was boring and you shouldn't join, 1256 00:49:54,960 --> 00:49:57,060 and then you joined because I told you not to join. 1257 00:49:57,260 --> 00:49:58,770 How fucked-up is that? 1258 00:49:58,970 --> 00:50:00,890 Jesus Christ. Don't you have a gala to go to or something? 1259 00:50:01,090 --> 00:50:02,520 Nope. Today's my day of rest. 1260 00:50:02,720 --> 00:50:04,770 Wow, Susan Myerson. 1261 00:50:04,970 --> 00:50:06,730 I can't believe I'm talking to you. It's been... 1262 00:50:06,930 --> 00:50:09,610 Do not stand there and pretend this is a touching reunion. 1263 00:50:09,810 --> 00:50:11,070 - I got to go. - Why? 1264 00:50:11,270 --> 00:50:13,700 I have work. I have a life. 1265 00:50:13,900 --> 00:50:15,330 Just because you lose interest in something, 1266 00:50:15,520 --> 00:50:17,120 - it doesn't just go away. - I know. 1267 00:50:17,320 --> 00:50:19,120 There was still lacrosse after you quit. 1268 00:50:19,320 --> 00:50:21,040 Well, there shouldn't have been. 1269 00:50:21,240 --> 00:50:23,630 Please, just... 1270 00:50:23,820 --> 00:50:25,140 It's been so long. 1271 00:50:27,230 --> 00:50:28,860 You look really good. 1272 00:50:29,980 --> 00:50:31,380 You do. 1273 00:50:31,580 --> 00:50:33,220 Yeah, I love the hat. 1274 00:50:33,420 --> 00:50:34,640 [Susie sighs] 1275 00:50:34,840 --> 00:50:36,510 Mrs. Gordon Ford? 1276 00:50:36,710 --> 00:50:38,520 [sighs] Yeah. 1277 00:50:38,710 --> 00:50:40,520 It's quite an accomplishment. 1278 00:50:40,720 --> 00:50:43,310 - That's not all I am. - Yeah, that's all you are. 1279 00:50:43,510 --> 00:50:46,120 It's all you are to me, Mrs. Fucking Gordon Ford. 1280 00:50:47,620 --> 00:50:48,730 How are you? 1281 00:50:48,930 --> 00:50:50,110 Oh, you better pick a different question. 1282 00:50:50,310 --> 00:50:52,490 Oh, Susie, can we take this down just a hair? 1283 00:50:52,690 --> 00:50:55,570 I didn't tell you to follow me. I didn't want to talk to you. 1284 00:50:55,770 --> 00:50:58,080 Hey, let's get a drink. 1285 00:50:58,280 --> 00:51:01,450 Let's find a bar and get soused, and you can say everything to me 1286 00:51:01,650 --> 00:51:02,910 you've wanted to say for 15 years. 1287 00:51:03,110 --> 00:51:05,040 I don't want to say anything to you. 1288 00:51:05,240 --> 00:51:06,540 Fine, then you can ask me 1289 00:51:06,740 --> 00:51:08,380 anything you wanted to ask me for 15 years. 1290 00:51:08,580 --> 00:51:10,810 No. Everything you say is bullshit anyhow. 1291 00:51:11,940 --> 00:51:13,760 I guess I understand why you feel like this. 1292 00:51:13,960 --> 00:51:16,430 Well, I don't give a fuck if you understand or not. 1293 00:51:16,630 --> 00:51:18,390 This is public. It's too loud. 1294 00:51:18,590 --> 00:51:19,600 I'm loud! 1295 00:51:19,800 --> 00:51:20,970 I was loud then, I'm loud now. 1296 00:51:21,170 --> 00:51:22,520 This isn't new. 1297 00:51:22,720 --> 00:51:24,120 Please, let's sit and drink. 1298 00:51:25,500 --> 00:51:27,020 I can't cover everything 1299 00:51:27,220 --> 00:51:28,690 right here on the street like this. 1300 00:51:28,890 --> 00:51:30,570 - No. - Please, let's talk. 1301 00:51:30,770 --> 00:51:33,070 I... Let me find out about you. 1302 00:51:33,270 --> 00:51:35,740 I'm the same. I am what I always was. You? 1303 00:51:35,940 --> 00:51:37,410 - Well, let me... - What? 1304 00:51:37,610 --> 00:51:39,200 Explain? Apologize? 1305 00:51:39,400 --> 00:51:40,660 Apologize for what? 1306 00:51:40,860 --> 00:51:42,660 For what? 1307 00:51:42,860 --> 00:51:45,420 For, I don't know, making plans and promises and... 1308 00:51:45,610 --> 00:51:47,080 I never made promises. 1309 00:51:47,280 --> 00:51:49,090 - You're kidding. - I was 22. 1310 00:51:49,290 --> 00:51:51,300 What promises can you make at 22? 1311 00:51:51,500 --> 00:51:53,420 - Plenty! - We're grown-ups. 1312 00:51:53,620 --> 00:51:54,670 Can't we be grown-ups? 1313 00:51:54,870 --> 00:51:56,470 Can't we talk like grown women? 1314 00:51:56,670 --> 00:51:57,840 I don't know what grown women talk like. 1315 00:51:58,040 --> 00:51:59,300 I deal with comics. 1316 00:51:59,500 --> 00:52:01,310 Okay. 1317 00:52:01,510 --> 00:52:02,970 I'll apologize if you want me to. 1318 00:52:03,170 --> 00:52:05,810 Oh, will you? What a sport. 1319 00:52:06,010 --> 00:52:07,060 What a fucking peach. 1320 00:52:07,260 --> 00:52:08,520 I don't want an apology. 1321 00:52:08,720 --> 00:52:10,820 I don't want anything from you. 1322 00:52:11,020 --> 00:52:13,530 I swear, I didn't mean to hurt you. 1323 00:52:13,730 --> 00:52:14,940 It was college. 1324 00:52:15,140 --> 00:52:18,030 I was a redhead. That was a mistake, too. 1325 00:52:18,230 --> 00:52:19,590 No. 1326 00:52:20,760 --> 00:52:22,720 I didn't... [groans] 1327 00:52:24,050 --> 00:52:26,760 You were definitely not... 1328 00:52:28,770 --> 00:52:31,840 Oh, boy, I really want to buy you that drink. 1329 00:52:32,040 --> 00:52:34,010 I have to go. 1330 00:52:34,200 --> 00:52:36,470 Nice to see you, Hedy. 1331 00:52:36,670 --> 00:52:38,440 You look good as a blonde. 1332 00:52:39,610 --> 00:52:41,470 [♪ Joan Jett & the Blackhearts: "I Hate Myself for Loving You"] 1333 00:52:41,670 --> 00:52:43,610 ♪ ♪ 1334 00:52:49,410 --> 00:52:51,400 {\an8}♪ Ow ♪ 1335 00:52:51,600 --> 00:52:52,920 {\an8}♪ Uh ♪ 1336 00:53:04,140 --> 00:53:06,290 {\an8}♪ Midnight, getting uptight ♪ 1337 00:53:06,490 --> 00:53:08,790 {\an8}♪ Where are you? ♪ 1338 00:53:08,990 --> 00:53:12,790 {\an8}♪ You said you'd meet me, now it's quarter to 2:00 ♪ 1339 00:53:12,990 --> 00:53:16,090 {\an8}♪ I know I'm hanging, but I'm still wanting you ♪ 1340 00:53:16,290 --> 00:53:18,550 {\an8}♪ Hey, Jack, it's a fact ♪ 1341 00:53:18,750 --> 00:53:20,930 {\an8}♪ They're talking in town ♪ 1342 00:53:21,130 --> 00:53:24,510 {\an8}♪ I turn my back, and you're messing around ♪ 1343 00:53:24,710 --> 00:53:26,470 {\an8}♪ I'm not getting jealous ♪ 1344 00:53:26,670 --> 00:53:29,100 {\an8}♪ Don't like looking like a clown ♪ 1345 00:53:29,300 --> 00:53:33,110 {\an8}♪ I think of you every night and day ♪ 1346 00:53:33,310 --> 00:53:35,020 {\an8}♪ You took my heart ♪ 1347 00:53:35,220 --> 00:53:41,070 {\an8}♪ And you took my pride away ♪ 1348 00:53:41,270 --> 00:53:44,870 {\an8}♪ I hate myself for loving you ♪ 1349 00:53:45,070 --> 00:53:49,160 {\an8}♪ Can't break free from the things that you do ♪ 1350 00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:52,830 {\an8}♪ I want to walk, but I run back to you ♪ 1351 00:53:53,030 --> 00:53:57,360 {\an8}♪ That's why I hate myself for loving you ♪ 1352 00:53:58,770 --> 00:54:00,760 {\an8}♪ Ow ♪ 1353 00:54:00,960 --> 00:54:02,440 {\an8}♪ Uh ♪ 1354 00:54:13,540 --> 00:54:17,980 {\an8}♪ Daylight, spent the night without you ♪ 1355 00:54:18,180 --> 00:54:21,450 {\an8}♪ But I've been dreaming 'bout the loving you do ♪ 1356 00:54:21,650 --> 00:54:23,950 {\an8}♪ I'm over being angry ♪ 1357 00:54:24,150 --> 00:54:25,580 {\an8}♪ 'Bout the hell you put me through ♪ 1358 00:54:25,770 --> 00:54:30,120 {\an8}♪ Hey, man, bet you can't treat me right ♪ 1359 00:54:30,320 --> 00:54:34,080 {\an8}♪ You just don't know what you was missing last night ♪ 1360 00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:36,130 {\an8}♪ I want to see you begging ♪ 1361 00:54:36,330 --> 00:54:37,960 {\an8}♪ Say "Forget it" just for spite ♪ 1362 00:54:38,160 --> 00:54:42,180 {\an8}♪ I think of you every night and day ♪ 1363 00:54:42,370 --> 00:54:44,050 {\an8}♪ You took my heart ♪ 1364 00:54:44,250 --> 00:54:50,270 {\an8}♪ And you took my pride away ♪ 1365 00:54:50,470 --> 00:54:52,730 {\an8}- ♪ I hate myself ♪ - ♪ Ow ♪ 1366 00:54:52,930 --> 00:54:54,370 {\an8}♪ Uh ♪ 1367 00:54:56,210 --> 00:54:57,690 {\an8}♪ For loving you ♪ 1368 00:54:57,890 --> 00:54:59,230 {\an8}♪ All right ♪ 1369 00:54:59,430 --> 00:55:00,740 {\an8}- ♪ I hate myself ♪ - ♪ Ow ♪ 1370 00:55:00,930 --> 00:55:02,920 {\an8}♪ Uh ♪ 1371 00:55:04,510 --> 00:55:06,370 {\an8}♪ For loving you ♪ 1372 00:55:06,570 --> 00:55:10,220 {\an8}♪ I hate myself for loving you ♪♪