1 00:00:07,290 --> 00:00:09,200 - [indistinct chatter] - [buzzer sounds] 2 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:10,780 [man over P.A.] 2820 and 1611, you have visitors. 3 00:00:10,980 --> 00:00:13,340 {\an8}2820 and 1611. 4 00:00:15,930 --> 00:00:17,790 {\an8}All right, time's up. Let's go. 5 00:00:17,990 --> 00:00:21,080 Really? You started without me? 6 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,840 - Take them. They're stale. - Hey, 7 00:00:24,040 --> 00:00:25,340 to me, they're like the black and whites 8 00:00:25,540 --> 00:00:27,130 from William Greenberg. 9 00:00:27,330 --> 00:00:29,840 So, what's new? Who's shanking who? 10 00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,010 Please, the only battles in here 11 00:00:32,210 --> 00:00:33,760 are over sections of the Financial Times. 12 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,720 - Yeah. - My kingdom for a fistfight. 13 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,190 - What's that? - The headshots you asked for. 14 00:00:39,380 --> 00:00:41,400 - Oh, you remembered. - Imogene remembered. 15 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,310 I didn't personalize them, but if you give me names, 16 00:00:43,510 --> 00:00:44,900 - I'm happy to. - Oh. 17 00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,030 Oh? What's with the "oh"? 18 00:00:46,230 --> 00:00:48,240 - You got any older ones? - Older ones? 19 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:49,320 Yeah, like, from the USO? 20 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:51,110 The panty pose? You're kidding. 21 00:00:51,310 --> 00:00:52,200 I think that'll be better for what 22 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:53,280 the guys are gonna use 'em for. 23 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:54,700 They're gonna jerk off to them? 24 00:00:54,900 --> 00:00:56,330 They ain't casting the spring musical. 25 00:00:56,530 --> 00:00:59,080 - And they can't jerk off to this? - They can. 26 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:00,920 Of course they can. I look fucking amazing. 27 00:01:01,110 --> 00:01:03,500 Hey, buddy, this doing anything for you? 28 00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:05,920 - Midge. - Fine. Give me those back. 29 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,420 I'll have Imogene dig up the USO shots, 30 00:01:08,620 --> 00:01:10,050 and I'll bring them next month, okay? 31 00:01:10,250 --> 00:01:11,880 Thank you for your service. 32 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:13,470 I'm a little nervous now about showing you 33 00:01:13,670 --> 00:01:15,240 this next picture. 34 00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:20,020 Aw, little Rose on the kibbutz. 35 00:01:20,220 --> 00:01:22,560 Wearing vertical and horizontal stripes. 36 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:24,900 My mother is rolling over in her grave. 37 00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:26,110 Tell her she'll meet her grandfather 38 00:01:26,310 --> 00:01:27,780 in four to six months, with good behavior. 39 00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:30,070 Just what every little girl wants to hear. 40 00:01:30,270 --> 00:01:33,450 - Hey, question. - Yeah? 41 00:01:33,650 --> 00:01:35,450 - Why do you keep coming here? - For the pat-downs. 42 00:01:35,650 --> 00:01:36,620 You shouldn't be able to come here. 43 00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:37,700 You should be out on the road. 44 00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:39,330 I need to buy new luggage first. 45 00:01:39,530 --> 00:01:40,500 You should be performing. 46 00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:42,000 - I am. - You're selling wigs. 47 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,170 I'm selling high-quality dreams. 48 00:01:44,370 --> 00:01:45,290 Of having more hair. 49 00:01:45,490 --> 00:01:46,750 I'm diversifying. 50 00:01:46,950 --> 00:01:48,340 Aren't you always telling me to do that? 51 00:01:48,540 --> 00:01:50,510 I thought you'd be pleased. Do you know how much I'm making 52 00:01:50,710 --> 00:01:51,670 - on this wig line? - Susie... 53 00:01:51,870 --> 00:01:53,260 - Don't. - She would hate this. 54 00:01:53,460 --> 00:01:54,840 I don't really care what Susie would think. 55 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:56,720 - Look, I'm just saying... - And I'm just saying 56 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:58,260 I can take care of myself. 57 00:01:58,460 --> 00:02:00,350 You don't have to always be looking out for me. 58 00:02:00,550 --> 00:02:01,600 I like looking out for you. 59 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:02,870 And look where that got you. 60 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:05,150 [Joel] Holy shit. 61 00:02:05,350 --> 00:02:06,810 - [bell tolling] - Here's another one. 62 00:02:07,010 --> 00:02:09,190 {\an8}This place is really crawling with them. 63 00:02:09,390 --> 00:02:10,610 {\an8}Temples, you get one Star of David. 64 00:02:10,810 --> 00:02:12,900 {\an8}Somehow, it still gets the point across. 65 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:15,780 {\an8}- Don't worry, we'll just rip her right out of there. - [Reverend Mother] What? 66 00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:17,620 [Joel] And it'll be done 67 00:02:17,820 --> 00:02:19,740 with the utmost respect and care, Reverend Mother. 68 00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:21,450 Oh, yeah, absolutely. 69 00:02:21,650 --> 00:02:24,040 You got rebar in here, Reverend Mother? 70 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:26,580 - In all these columns? - [Reverend Mother] What's rebar? 71 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:28,130 You gonna help me out here or what? 72 00:02:28,330 --> 00:02:31,800 There it is. St. Xavier's School for Boys. 73 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,590 I got nuns staring daggers. 74 00:02:33,790 --> 00:02:36,640 I went in a boy, came out a broken soul. 75 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,310 And look at you now, turning it into a supper club 76 00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:40,810 and about to make a mountain of cash. 77 00:02:41,010 --> 00:02:42,350 That's my kind of broken soul. 78 00:02:42,550 --> 00:02:44,850 The rulers were always new. Where did the old ones go? 79 00:02:45,050 --> 00:02:46,480 - Look at the ceiling. - [scoffs] 80 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,730 That's what the Reverend Mother said whenever she smacked me. 81 00:02:48,930 --> 00:02:50,320 Great ceiling. 82 00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,070 - This was your idea. - I know. 83 00:02:52,270 --> 00:02:55,280 And it was a great idea. This room, with a stage? 84 00:02:55,480 --> 00:02:57,410 And they've already got a kitchen and a parking lot, 85 00:02:57,610 --> 00:02:58,700 so people can drive in from Jersey. 86 00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:00,280 - I know. - A parking lot, Arch. 87 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,410 - I know. - We've been looking for a place like this for months. 88 00:03:02,610 --> 00:03:04,250 - I know! - But if you're gonna have a nervous breakdown 89 00:03:04,450 --> 00:03:06,120 - every time you come here... - No, I won't. 90 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,080 I'm fine. Honest. Run. 91 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,880 Because we'd have to start all over. 92 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:11,500 Places like this are few and far between. 93 00:03:11,700 --> 00:03:13,340 You sure you don't want to take me out to that place 94 00:03:13,540 --> 00:03:14,760 you scoped out in the East Village? 95 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,090 - You were so excited about it. - Nope. It's jinxed. 96 00:03:17,290 --> 00:03:19,220 The minute I stepped in and spotted Susie's two goons 97 00:03:19,420 --> 00:03:20,680 from that waste management show... 98 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,810 - I remember this cabinet. - I don't like those guys. 99 00:03:23,010 --> 00:03:24,180 I used to hide in this cabinet. 100 00:03:24,380 --> 00:03:25,520 If they're around Susie, then they're around Midge. 101 00:03:25,720 --> 00:03:26,600 I don't want 'em around Midge. 102 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:27,690 I wonder if I could still fit. 103 00:03:27,890 --> 00:03:29,940 - Archie, stop. - You stop. 104 00:03:30,140 --> 00:03:31,730 You've been obsessing over those guys for weeks. 105 00:03:31,930 --> 00:03:32,980 Because they're fucking mobsters. 106 00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:34,070 Have you talked to Midge about them? 107 00:03:34,270 --> 00:03:36,360 No. I'm trying not to be the bad guy 108 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:37,660 every time I talk to her. 109 00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:39,910 But you're driving yourself crazy. Talk to her. 110 00:03:40,110 --> 00:03:41,490 She'll appreciate your concern. 111 00:03:41,690 --> 00:03:43,450 - Would you... - Aah! - Archie. 112 00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:45,870 I'm sorry, Reverend Mother. 113 00:03:46,070 --> 00:03:48,040 I see you still haven't learned to straighten your tie. 114 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,090 Would you both like to stay for tea? 115 00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:52,920 Well, Reverend Mother, 116 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,340 that's a very kind offer, but we have to get going. 117 00:03:55,540 --> 00:03:57,800 You can take the tea away, Sister Clementine. 118 00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,930 - They won't be staying. - [Sister Clementine] Oh, you heard 119 00:04:00,130 --> 00:04:02,390 I'm a disaster with a teapot? 120 00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:03,930 Uh, no. [chuckles] 121 00:04:04,130 --> 00:04:06,350 - Clementine, was it? - [chuckles] 122 00:04:06,550 --> 00:04:07,690 Are you flirting with a nun? 123 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:08,850 She's flirting with me. 124 00:04:09,050 --> 00:04:09,940 Nuns don't flirt. 125 00:04:10,140 --> 00:04:12,270 Do you like honey in your tea? 126 00:04:12,470 --> 00:04:14,780 - Holy shit, she is. - You know, 127 00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:17,030 however you like to make it is how I like to take it. 128 00:04:17,230 --> 00:04:19,160 Oh, my God. 129 00:04:19,350 --> 00:04:21,660 You know, we're gonna turn this into a supper club, 130 00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:24,660 so don't go giving up fun for Lent. 131 00:04:24,860 --> 00:04:28,140 I do like music and dancing. 132 00:04:30,060 --> 00:04:31,290 Father, forgive me. 133 00:04:31,490 --> 00:04:32,670 [Maggie] You tell her it's 134 00:04:32,870 --> 00:04:35,170 Susie Myerson and Associates calling. 135 00:04:35,370 --> 00:04:37,510 Who am I? Why, are you gonna propose? 136 00:04:37,710 --> 00:04:38,980 Just give her the message. 137 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,260 S-O-N. Myerson. Nothing fancy. 138 00:04:42,460 --> 00:04:45,010 And she has the number. Yes, okay, goodbye. 139 00:04:45,210 --> 00:04:47,520 Excuse me, can I just drop this off for Ms. Myerson? 140 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,520 - Bin. - Do you ever look through this? 141 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:50,690 - It's full. - Yes, dear. 142 00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:51,900 We look through the bin. That's our job. 143 00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:53,060 [chuckles] There's dust on them. 144 00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:54,070 Then yours will really stand out. 145 00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:55,230 Thank you for your materials. 146 00:04:55,430 --> 00:04:56,780 We look forward to reviewing them. Good morning. 147 00:04:56,980 --> 00:04:59,150 I'm calling from Susie Myerson and Associates for Ms. Dyer. 148 00:04:59,350 --> 00:05:00,990 Sure, I'll hold. Excuse me, I need you 149 00:05:01,190 --> 00:05:02,370 to wait in line outside with everyone else. 150 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,160 Five minutes, I swear. I'm the next Mort Sahl. 151 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:05,910 In the line, Mort. Okay, could I leave a message, then? 152 00:05:06,110 --> 00:05:08,500 Is that her in there? Hey, Ms. Myerson. 153 00:05:08,700 --> 00:05:10,410 Shelly Liebenthal. I got a tight five. 154 00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,210 Dinah, please. We got to close this fucking door 155 00:05:12,410 --> 00:05:13,500 so these losers can't see me. 156 00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:15,500 They're not losers, they're potential clients. 157 00:05:15,700 --> 00:05:17,340 - She's smaller than I pictured. - [Susie] Alfie. 158 00:05:17,540 --> 00:05:18,920 You're killing me, you know that? You're killing me. 159 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,470 You sound upset. 160 00:05:20,670 --> 00:05:21,930 - [Susie] You bought a fucking llama. - And? 161 00:05:22,130 --> 00:05:23,970 - Why? - Why does anyone buy a llama? 162 00:05:24,170 --> 00:05:25,350 For my act, of course. 163 00:05:25,550 --> 00:05:27,310 - Her name is Catherine, by the way. - [llama grunts] 164 00:05:27,510 --> 00:05:28,890 - I don't care. - Well, she does. 165 00:05:29,090 --> 00:05:31,140 I am looking at a $2,000 room service bill. 166 00:05:31,340 --> 00:05:33,520 I know you don't eat, so I'm gonna assume this is Catherine. 167 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,690 I always remind her the salad is entrée sized, 168 00:05:35,890 --> 00:05:36,690 but she just won't listen. 169 00:05:36,890 --> 00:05:38,440 And the shitting. It's got to stop. 170 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:40,400 I sincerely hope you're talking about her now. 171 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:42,280 The Orpheum's pissed. They sent a bill. 172 00:05:42,480 --> 00:05:43,820 They're gonna have to change the carpet. 173 00:05:44,020 --> 00:05:45,830 Oh, dear. I'll speak to Catherine. 174 00:05:46,020 --> 00:05:47,580 Just get her a crate, huh? 175 00:05:47,780 --> 00:05:49,290 And if you see her start to squat, abracadabra, 176 00:05:49,490 --> 00:05:50,500 make it disappear. 177 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:52,790 - [llama grunts] - She's feeling judged. 178 00:05:52,990 --> 00:05:54,140 Goodbye. 179 00:05:55,350 --> 00:05:56,710 Just rent a llama. 180 00:05:56,910 --> 00:05:58,500 Hey, Dinah, we got her yet? 181 00:05:58,700 --> 00:05:59,760 Still leaving messages. 182 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,930 - Keep trying. Maggie! - [Maggie] Nothing. 183 00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,680 Don't look so worried, huh? You'll get wrinkles. 184 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:07,350 It's been a week. Why haven't we heard? 185 00:06:07,550 --> 00:06:10,020 This is how it goes with these Hollywood fucks. 186 00:06:10,220 --> 00:06:12,640 This part-- this is my part, Susie. 187 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,850 I can feel it. I've never wanted anything more in my life. 188 00:06:15,050 --> 00:06:16,360 Believe me, I know. 189 00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:17,730 You haven't shut up about it for two months. 190 00:06:17,930 --> 00:06:18,730 You're driving me crazy. 191 00:06:18,930 --> 00:06:20,320 [exhales] They must've hated me. 192 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,740 You wouldn't have gotten three callbacks if they hated you. 193 00:06:22,940 --> 00:06:24,450 "Her name was Diana, but I knew her as DiDi." 194 00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:26,620 Do not do the scene for me again. I will kill you 195 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,410 - if you do that scene for me again. - [sighs] 196 00:06:28,610 --> 00:06:29,910 - [Maggie] Susie, I got her! - Maggie's got her! 197 00:06:30,110 --> 00:06:31,930 See? We got her. 198 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,210 You go. You stay, you stay, 199 00:06:38,410 --> 00:06:40,420 - you stay, you go, you go. - [man] What? 200 00:06:40,620 --> 00:06:44,050 Do me a favor, find out if the voice is real. 201 00:06:44,250 --> 00:06:46,050 Helen. Susie Myerson. 202 00:06:46,250 --> 00:06:47,550 Thanks so much for getting back to us. 203 00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:49,850 I've owed money to people who call me less than you do. 204 00:06:50,050 --> 00:06:51,770 [chuckles] What a nice personal anecdote. 205 00:06:51,970 --> 00:06:53,680 I am calling about my client, James Howard. 206 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:55,600 James is terrific. A genuine talent. 207 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,860 - I adore James. - I appreciate the love, 208 00:06:58,050 --> 00:06:59,320 but how about an answer? 209 00:06:59,510 --> 00:07:00,520 Soon as I have one. 210 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,230 Helen, is he still in the running or not? 211 00:07:02,430 --> 00:07:04,950 - He is. - Mm. And how many others is he running with? 212 00:07:05,150 --> 00:07:06,030 You know I can't tell you that. 213 00:07:06,230 --> 00:07:07,700 You like hearing your phone ring all day, Helen? 214 00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:09,370 Jesus. If managing doesn't work out, 215 00:07:09,570 --> 00:07:11,790 you got a real future as a union boss. 216 00:07:11,990 --> 00:07:14,750 - It's between him and one other. - Who is it? Dick Gregory? 217 00:07:14,950 --> 00:07:17,500 - It's Dick Gregory, right? - Look, Ms. Myerson, if it were up to me... 218 00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:18,790 Wait, wait, wait, wait. I-It's not up to you? 219 00:07:18,990 --> 00:07:19,790 Who's it up to? 220 00:07:19,990 --> 00:07:21,380 The producer, David Weston. 221 00:07:21,580 --> 00:07:23,340 So, what I'm hearing is you have no power here? 222 00:07:23,540 --> 00:07:24,510 Well, that's not exactly... 223 00:07:24,710 --> 00:07:26,010 It's all about this David Weston? 224 00:07:26,210 --> 00:07:27,220 I'm very important in an advi... 225 00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:29,220 Goodbye. 226 00:07:29,420 --> 00:07:31,530 David Weston. 227 00:07:34,660 --> 00:07:35,850 What the hell? 228 00:07:36,050 --> 00:07:37,850 I don't know. She just walked in and fell asleep. 229 00:07:38,050 --> 00:07:39,480 - Miriam? - Hi. I'm ready. 230 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:40,980 When's the last time you slept? 231 00:07:41,180 --> 00:07:42,530 On the walk over. 232 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:43,940 You know, you don't have to work all day, 233 00:07:44,140 --> 00:07:45,030 then do a gig every night, right? 234 00:07:45,230 --> 00:07:47,400 Every night. Got to stay sharp. 235 00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:48,630 You've got a day job. 236 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,160 Here, open a vein, 237 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,950 - pour this in. - What'd she say? 238 00:07:53,150 --> 00:07:54,750 She loves you, you're in the running, but it's not 239 00:07:54,950 --> 00:07:56,040 her decision, it's the producer's. 240 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:57,330 So, what should I do? 241 00:07:57,530 --> 00:07:58,710 I'm not good at waiting around like this. I... 242 00:07:58,910 --> 00:07:59,920 Find a club, tell a joke, 243 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,270 and don't come back here until I call you. 244 00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:05,550 Hey! Don't you have work? 245 00:08:05,750 --> 00:08:06,970 [gasps] Is it morning or night? 246 00:08:07,170 --> 00:08:09,010 - Still morning. - I got to get to work. 247 00:08:09,210 --> 00:08:11,140 - Where am I tonight, Dinah? - Refer to the board, Midge. 248 00:08:11,340 --> 00:08:12,300 Which one am I? 249 00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:13,760 Look for your initials. We've been through this. 250 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,180 Yes, but there are two "M-M's." 251 00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:17,560 You are little "m-m." Morty Minsk is the big "M-M." 252 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,690 Why aren't I the big "M-M"? I was here before Morty. 253 00:08:19,890 --> 00:08:21,230 I figured you'd want to be more petite. 254 00:08:21,430 --> 00:08:22,860 Well, I do appreciate that, Dinah, 255 00:08:23,060 --> 00:08:24,690 but can you also make your big M's and your little m's 256 00:08:24,890 --> 00:08:25,940 look a little more different? 257 00:08:26,140 --> 00:08:27,400 The other night I showed up for Morty's spot 258 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:28,860 at The Bitter End, and let me tell you, 259 00:08:29,060 --> 00:08:30,570 none of us liked that jazz set. 260 00:08:30,770 --> 00:08:31,700 How about you just write "Midge"? 261 00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:33,240 I can't fit five letters. 262 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:35,410 That would be too squished. What about two little hearts? 263 00:08:35,610 --> 00:08:36,870 [yawns] Oh, that would be cute. 264 00:08:37,070 --> 00:08:38,830 Will you just get your two little hearts out of here 265 00:08:39,030 --> 00:08:40,830 - and go focus on your day job. - [groans] 266 00:08:41,030 --> 00:08:43,420 Is it morning or night? 267 00:08:43,620 --> 00:08:45,000 Battle station, girls, 268 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:48,470 because we have a new target: David Weston. 269 00:08:48,670 --> 00:08:50,300 Steak dinner to the first one who gets him on the phone. 270 00:08:50,500 --> 00:08:51,840 On it. 271 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:53,180 Could I get a baked potato? 272 00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:55,060 A steak dinner comes with a baked potato, Maggie. 273 00:08:55,260 --> 00:08:57,020 Just the baked potato. I don't need the steak. 274 00:08:57,220 --> 00:08:58,640 So don't eat the steak. 275 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:00,640 Can't I just order the potato? It seems like a waste of cow. 276 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,610 You know what? Dinner's off. 277 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:04,900 Just find David Weston. 278 00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:06,110 Okay, Midge, take your pick. 279 00:09:06,310 --> 00:09:07,990 The solar system that's missing Earth 280 00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:09,150 or the volcano I dropped 281 00:09:09,350 --> 00:09:11,200 coming out of the subway just now. Sorry. 282 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,660 I don't know. They both look like a "B," "B-plus." 283 00:09:13,860 --> 00:09:15,240 This is Ethan we're talking about here. 284 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:16,550 Hm... 285 00:09:18,970 --> 00:09:20,370 That's a solid "D-plus" right there. 286 00:09:20,570 --> 00:09:22,250 - Sold. - [coughs] 287 00:09:22,450 --> 00:09:24,790 - So nice of you to join us. - Ooh. 288 00:09:24,990 --> 00:09:26,710 Didn't realize Johnnie Walker made an aftershave. 289 00:09:26,910 --> 00:09:28,420 Don't shout. Everything hurts. 290 00:09:28,620 --> 00:09:31,380 - Where were you last night? - Down at 15th Street. 291 00:09:31,580 --> 00:09:33,720 I did a 7:00 set for the doorman and the waitress. 292 00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,180 - Yeesh. - [Mel] Yeesh, indeed. 293 00:09:35,380 --> 00:09:37,220 Until last night, I'd never been heckled 294 00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:39,350 by the sound of a napkin being folded. 295 00:09:39,550 --> 00:09:41,230 Oh, Midge, Reuben Salazar 296 00:09:41,430 --> 00:09:43,770 went on after me and did your garter belt joke. 297 00:09:43,970 --> 00:09:46,400 Fucking Reuben. Why steal that joke? 298 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:48,440 - It doesn't even work for a guy. - He did a voice. 299 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,030 I want to punch him in the face. 300 00:09:50,230 --> 00:09:52,910 Now, now, don't go doing that. Let us punch him in the face. 301 00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:55,410 You fold up all five fingers, right? That's a fist? 302 00:09:55,610 --> 00:09:57,240 Gordon wants to talk about the monologue. 303 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,910 - We haven't written it yet. - He has ideas. Chop, chop. 304 00:10:00,110 --> 00:10:01,660 Ay yi yi. 305 00:10:01,860 --> 00:10:03,670 They're big fans of the show. 306 00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,790 - So was Ed Gein. - Oh, come on, Gordy. 307 00:10:05,990 --> 00:10:07,290 He was. He sent letters from the madhouse. 308 00:10:07,490 --> 00:10:08,380 They were deeply upsetting, 309 00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:09,710 but not nearly as upsetting as this. 310 00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,760 - Who's Ed Gein? - They based Psycho on him. 311 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:12,880 He wore people's skin. 312 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:13,970 Oh, my goodness. 313 00:10:14,170 --> 00:10:15,220 [Adam] Nice to know he's tuning in. 314 00:10:15,420 --> 00:10:17,430 Does that count as two Nielsen views? 315 00:10:17,630 --> 00:10:19,970 Did stuff with the bones, too. Made necklaces. 316 00:10:20,170 --> 00:10:21,930 I don't want to know what he made purses from. 317 00:10:22,130 --> 00:10:23,940 Let's table this, guys, and get to the monologue. 318 00:10:24,140 --> 00:10:25,600 Our topics lately-- the whole feel-- 319 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,860 - it's-it's off. - [Alvin] Any specifics, boss? 320 00:10:28,060 --> 00:10:30,400 We're coming down awfully hard on Debbie Reynolds lately. 321 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:31,820 Mel? Anything you want to add to that? 322 00:10:32,020 --> 00:10:34,200 - Left that wide open for you. - Rain check. 323 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,820 Hedy's feeling there's a little too much women-bashing going on, 324 00:10:36,020 --> 00:10:37,160 so let's rethink this. 325 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,870 Oh, maybe we can finally get Debbie on the show. 326 00:10:39,070 --> 00:10:41,370 I'm sorry. Why are you in here, Mike? 327 00:10:41,570 --> 00:10:43,460 - What? - You're never in these meetings. 328 00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:45,290 I've been in these meetings for the last five years, George. 329 00:10:45,490 --> 00:10:47,960 George, don't abuse Mike when the person you're mad at is me. 330 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:49,960 You? Why would I ever be mad at you? 331 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,760 George is absolutely furious with me 332 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,800 'cause I don't want to say the words "Diddy Doo Diaper Cream" 333 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,680 - on the show, or anywhere. - [laughter] 334 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:56,800 I shouldn't have even said it just now. 335 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,430 Okay, but you can't do a show 336 00:10:58,630 --> 00:11:00,180 without sponsors, not last time I checked. 337 00:11:00,380 --> 00:11:02,060 We have sponsors. Great sponsors. 338 00:11:02,260 --> 00:11:04,180 Chevy's a sponsor. I can talk all night about Chevy. 339 00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:06,350 Well, Diddy Doo outbid Chevy. 340 00:11:06,550 --> 00:11:07,980 They're hungry. They want to make a mark. 341 00:11:08,180 --> 00:11:09,650 They can make their mark on someone else's show. 342 00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:11,230 You wanted to revamp the set. 343 00:11:11,430 --> 00:11:13,070 This'll pay for it, and then some. 344 00:11:13,270 --> 00:11:15,450 Then I'll keep the set. It's been a lucky set. 345 00:11:15,650 --> 00:11:16,740 Coming down hard on Debbie Reynolds? 346 00:11:16,940 --> 00:11:18,280 Who are we, her new husband's bookie? 347 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:20,410 - Good to have you back, Mel. - [George] Diddy Doo 348 00:11:20,610 --> 00:11:21,830 is a popular product and it's a demographic 349 00:11:22,030 --> 00:11:23,000 we're trying to reach. 350 00:11:23,190 --> 00:11:24,960 Babies? We want babies to watch the show? 351 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:26,790 Not babies, their mothers. 352 00:11:26,990 --> 00:11:28,750 I've used Diddy Doo, for what it's worth. 353 00:11:28,950 --> 00:11:30,540 I mean, not on me 354 00:11:30,740 --> 00:11:33,400 personally, but... Am I the only one? 355 00:11:34,980 --> 00:11:37,590 Well, cute jar, smells good, but, weirdly, it gave me a rash. 356 00:11:37,790 --> 00:11:38,930 [laughter] 357 00:11:39,130 --> 00:11:40,970 I can't help but harken back to our radio days, Georgie, 358 00:11:41,170 --> 00:11:42,350 when you got us sponsored by that weed killer 359 00:11:42,550 --> 00:11:43,640 - Not the weed killer. - that wound up killing 360 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:45,310 not weeds but a dozen senior citizens. 361 00:11:45,510 --> 00:11:46,980 Fourteen. I read about it. 362 00:11:47,180 --> 00:11:49,100 - Beats Ed Gein. - Maybe they were using it wrong. 363 00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:50,730 A lot of empty houses at bingo that week. 364 00:11:50,930 --> 00:11:52,780 Should we get back to the monologue? 365 00:11:52,970 --> 00:11:54,030 Just meet the reps. 366 00:11:54,230 --> 00:11:55,320 They're coming to the show tomorrow night. 367 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:56,570 They're very excited. 368 00:11:56,770 --> 00:11:58,280 Plus, they're throwing a little soiree after, 369 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,660 a cruise on the Hudson, all in your honor. 370 00:12:00,860 --> 00:12:01,660 Yeah, I'm not going to that. 371 00:12:01,860 --> 00:12:03,580 It will be very noticeable 372 00:12:03,780 --> 00:12:04,910 if you don't come. 373 00:12:05,110 --> 00:12:06,830 You didn't think it would be a good idea to check 374 00:12:07,030 --> 00:12:08,040 with your star before committing him 375 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,420 to a boat ride with the diaper rash gang? 376 00:12:09,620 --> 00:12:10,670 I'm sorry, Gordon, I... 377 00:12:10,870 --> 00:12:12,840 You didn't think to call? We share a wall, George. 378 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:14,210 You didn't want to do your special knock? 379 00:12:14,410 --> 00:12:16,420 I should've checked with you. I realize that now. 380 00:12:16,620 --> 00:12:18,970 - So, this is on you. - I just didn't think you'd respond this way. 381 00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:20,510 You didn't think I'd maybe not want to humiliate myself 382 00:12:20,710 --> 00:12:21,930 on national television? 383 00:12:22,130 --> 00:12:23,930 - You used to trust me. - You used to listen to me. 384 00:12:24,130 --> 00:12:25,990 - Because the network said... - Fuck the network! 385 00:12:28,450 --> 00:12:31,610 Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back 386 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,820 to things that we are actually gonna do on the show. 387 00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:36,030 I'm sorry, Gordon. 388 00:12:36,230 --> 00:12:38,360 - My apologies. - Thank you. 389 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,660 Now, seriously, how are we gonna kick things off tonight? 390 00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:43,030 Well, clearly, you're coming out in a diaper. 391 00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:45,680 [laughter] 392 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:50,020 - [Gordon] I say let's get political again. - [knock on door] 393 00:12:51,430 --> 00:12:53,380 I'm busy. 394 00:12:53,580 --> 00:12:55,550 Listen, George, I-I just wanted to say... 395 00:12:55,750 --> 00:12:57,630 I'm sorry, is this you and David Ben-Gurion? 396 00:12:57,830 --> 00:12:58,970 Yes. 397 00:12:59,170 --> 00:13:00,260 But he's smiling. 398 00:13:00,460 --> 00:13:02,430 [George] He's actually deeply funny. 399 00:13:02,630 --> 00:13:03,800 There something I can help you with? 400 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,180 Yes. 401 00:13:06,380 --> 00:13:08,140 I shouldn't have opened my big fat mouth in there. 402 00:13:08,340 --> 00:13:09,140 It didn't help. 403 00:13:09,340 --> 00:13:10,140 I'll say. 404 00:13:10,340 --> 00:13:11,480 I'm sorry. 405 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,360 Well, I appreciate you saying that. 406 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:16,480 And if there's anything I can do to make it up to you, 407 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:17,780 I am at your disposal. 408 00:13:17,980 --> 00:13:19,990 How on earth could you help me? 409 00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:22,950 Well, that party tomorrow, on the boat-- 410 00:13:23,150 --> 00:13:25,370 - I could be your pinch hitter. - A pinch hitter for whom? 411 00:13:25,570 --> 00:13:28,040 For Gordon. Sounds like you need a little entertainment, 412 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,210 and I'm a comic. I'm also a mom, 413 00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:31,790 and I've got a million diaper jokes. 414 00:13:31,990 --> 00:13:34,170 I'm good with diapers, ergo I'm good with diaper people. 415 00:13:34,370 --> 00:13:36,300 That's not a bad idea. 416 00:13:36,490 --> 00:13:38,210 Show them we got a girl writer who likes the product. 417 00:13:38,410 --> 00:13:39,470 What time do we set sail? 418 00:13:39,660 --> 00:13:41,970 7:30. Don't mention your rash. 419 00:13:42,170 --> 00:13:43,550 My lips are sealed. 420 00:13:43,750 --> 00:13:46,260 - It is gone, isn't it? - The rash? 421 00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:47,810 Yes, all clear. 422 00:13:48,010 --> 00:13:49,270 {\an8}- Good. - Want to check? 423 00:13:49,470 --> 00:13:51,810 No, thank you. Now get out. 424 00:13:52,010 --> 00:13:53,020 What are you gonna wear? 425 00:13:53,220 --> 00:13:54,310 - Out. - Okay. 426 00:13:54,510 --> 00:13:55,310 [Shirley] Almost done. 427 00:13:55,510 --> 00:13:56,610 Don't fidget. 428 00:13:56,810 --> 00:13:58,030 You don't have to do this, Mrs. Weissman. 429 00:13:58,220 --> 00:14:01,150 Of course I do. Your earlobes look positively naked. 430 00:14:01,350 --> 00:14:02,740 - It's obscene. - But you've already... 431 00:14:02,940 --> 00:14:04,660 - Hey, I'm sewing here. - Sorry. 432 00:14:04,860 --> 00:14:06,660 I think these will do quite nicely. 433 00:14:06,860 --> 00:14:08,330 They were my Grandmother Lehman's. 434 00:14:08,530 --> 00:14:10,620 An awful woman with exquisite taste. 435 00:14:10,820 --> 00:14:14,000 - Oh, Mrs. Weissman... - Oh, there goes the seam, Zelda. 436 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,750 - Sorry. You've already done so much. - [sighs] 437 00:14:16,950 --> 00:14:19,300 You let me have my special day here, in this house, 438 00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:21,130 with all my memories and cleaning products. 439 00:14:21,330 --> 00:14:23,300 Well, I certainly was not gonna let you get married 440 00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:26,010 at city hall. That's a place for third weddings, 441 00:14:26,210 --> 00:14:27,300 when everyone's given up on you. 442 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:28,930 There. 443 00:14:29,130 --> 00:14:30,560 It wouldn't make it through the hora, 444 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,980 but coming down the hallway should be fine. 445 00:14:33,180 --> 00:14:34,900 I found it. 446 00:14:35,090 --> 00:14:37,270 - Oh, Miriam, put that away. - [Midge] Shirley, look. 447 00:14:37,470 --> 00:14:39,190 Oh. 448 00:14:39,390 --> 00:14:41,490 - There she is, on her wedding day. - [gasps] 449 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,780 Not a white rose left on the Eastern Seaboard. 450 00:14:43,980 --> 00:14:47,200 My God, Rose. Were you even thinner than you are now? 451 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,160 I was, yes. 452 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:50,950 And that dress, those shoes. 453 00:14:51,150 --> 00:14:52,660 Oh, they were beautiful shoes. 454 00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:54,790 Your mother has perfect feet for shoes. 455 00:14:54,990 --> 00:14:56,250 - [fabric tears] - Oops. 456 00:14:56,450 --> 00:14:58,090 - Zelda. - I had to move to see the picture. 457 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,550 Help me help you. If you want to wear an heirloom 458 00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,970 made of cotton candy, fine, but do as I tell you, 459 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,300 or you'll be taking your vows in your underwear. 460 00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:08,220 I used to stare at this album all the time growing up. 461 00:15:08,420 --> 00:15:10,060 Mama, you look so pretty. 462 00:15:10,250 --> 00:15:11,520 I do, don't I? 463 00:15:11,710 --> 00:15:14,060 And Papa looks so scared. 464 00:15:14,260 --> 00:15:15,560 He does, doesn't he? 465 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:17,190 That's because he knew what was coming. 466 00:15:17,390 --> 00:15:18,560 What? Mortgages? 467 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:19,690 No, the wedding night. 468 00:15:19,890 --> 00:15:20,770 Oh, Shirley, please. 469 00:15:20,970 --> 00:15:21,820 [Shirley] No, everyone thinks 470 00:15:22,020 --> 00:15:23,690 it's the ladies who are scared, 471 00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,740 but we have mothers, best friends, 472 00:15:25,940 --> 00:15:27,780 rabbis, school nurses, 473 00:15:27,980 --> 00:15:30,660 magazines scaring the shit out of us 474 00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:32,620 the minute we get our first period. 475 00:15:32,820 --> 00:15:34,910 We're ready. The men, however... 476 00:15:35,110 --> 00:15:36,250 I really don't want to talk about this. 477 00:15:36,450 --> 00:15:39,420 - Joel was ready. - Am I invisible? Silent? 478 00:15:39,620 --> 00:15:41,670 Do words come out of my mouth and disappear into the ether? 479 00:15:41,870 --> 00:15:43,840 I'm just saying, that boat landed at Normandy, 480 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:45,090 and he stormed the beach. 481 00:15:45,290 --> 00:15:46,220 That's my Joely. 482 00:15:46,420 --> 00:15:47,970 Miriam, this is nightclub talk. 483 00:15:48,170 --> 00:15:49,550 I am not listening to this. 484 00:15:49,750 --> 00:15:51,310 - Twice. - Oh, my God. 485 00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:52,850 Plus, you two had been doing it in your bedroom 486 00:15:53,050 --> 00:15:54,410 for two years prior. 487 00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:58,100 Mama, you look so pretty. 488 00:15:58,300 --> 00:15:59,520 Here comes 489 00:15:59,720 --> 00:16:01,940 the bride. Get up, get up, get up. 490 00:16:02,140 --> 00:16:04,080 [♪ Chopin: "Prelude in D Flat Major, Op. 28, No. 15"] 491 00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:17,410 If I could've had ten minutes with his pants, 492 00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:18,830 he'd look so much better. 493 00:16:19,030 --> 00:16:20,750 I should've given him a suit. 494 00:16:20,950 --> 00:16:22,560 - We did all we could do. We have to let it go. - [Piotr] Be seated. 495 00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,680 - How much longer is he gonna play? - Hard to say. 496 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:33,850 Is this a wedding or a recital? 497 00:16:34,050 --> 00:16:35,270 This is Chopin, people. 498 00:16:35,470 --> 00:16:37,600 It's one of his most famous works. It tells a story. 499 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,730 You don't just stop. 500 00:16:39,930 --> 00:16:41,520 Chopin will forgive you, Papa. Wrap it up. 501 00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:44,480 [plays "Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits"] 502 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:45,860 Happy? 503 00:16:46,060 --> 00:16:48,200 [Piotr] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today 504 00:16:48,390 --> 00:16:51,320 to join together this man and this woman 505 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:52,910 in holy matrimony... 506 00:16:53,110 --> 00:16:54,620 Do you remember the day Zelda arrived at our door? 507 00:16:54,820 --> 00:16:56,910 - No. - [Piotr] ...signifying unto us the mystical 508 00:16:57,110 --> 00:16:59,250 union that betwixt Christ and his Church... 509 00:16:59,450 --> 00:17:01,920 Well, we know what side he's on. 510 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:03,670 Therefore, if any man present 511 00:17:03,870 --> 00:17:05,300 can show just cause 512 00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:07,420 why they may not be lawfully joined together, 513 00:17:07,620 --> 00:17:09,720 let him now speak, or else, 514 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,840 - hereafter, hold his peace. - Mm. 515 00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,100 - [whispers indistinctly] - [Piotr] And now, Zelda 516 00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:17,220 and Janusz have each written their own vows. 517 00:17:17,420 --> 00:17:18,230 Zelda? 518 00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:20,200 Slowly, Zelda, slowly. 519 00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:26,360 Janusz, 520 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,320 I love you. 521 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:31,610 I love everything about you. 522 00:17:31,810 --> 00:17:33,780 I love that you are on time. 523 00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:35,620 I love that you hang pictures straight 524 00:17:35,820 --> 00:17:38,870 and always without measuring, perfectly centered. 525 00:17:39,070 --> 00:17:41,420 I love that you don't lose money. 526 00:17:41,610 --> 00:17:44,460 I love that you never stain a wooden spoon. 527 00:17:44,660 --> 00:17:46,230 I love that you lift with your legs. 528 00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:50,340 And I love... 529 00:17:50,540 --> 00:17:52,150 that I am your wife. 530 00:17:53,690 --> 00:17:54,800 [Piotr] Now, Janusz. 531 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:58,060 Mine has been a life of hardship. 532 00:17:58,260 --> 00:17:59,980 Cold winters. Many nights, no sleep. 533 00:18:00,170 --> 00:18:02,890 My family lived day to day, 534 00:18:03,090 --> 00:18:05,150 but I was good with tools. 535 00:18:05,350 --> 00:18:07,020 I could fix what was broken, 536 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:10,190 and that was to be my life, I thought. 537 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:13,740 And then I meet you, Zelda. 538 00:18:13,940 --> 00:18:15,780 I did not know I was broken 539 00:18:15,980 --> 00:18:17,830 until you were the one to have fixed me. 540 00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:20,040 - [crying] Oh, Jesus. - Moishe. 541 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:22,080 [crying] He's killing me, Shirl. 542 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,790 [Janusz] I will be providing for you. You will be 543 00:18:24,990 --> 00:18:26,590 wanting for nothing. 544 00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:28,090 - [Moishe blows nose loudly] - Now, you will finally 545 00:18:28,290 --> 00:18:29,630 get to enjoy life, 546 00:18:29,830 --> 00:18:33,180 without burden, never having to work another single day 547 00:18:33,370 --> 00:18:34,510 for as long as you live. 548 00:18:34,710 --> 00:18:36,390 What did he say? 549 00:18:36,590 --> 00:18:38,930 I'm not quite sure. His accent is so thick. 550 00:18:39,130 --> 00:18:41,020 Did he say she would never work again? 551 00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:43,440 - I don't know. - Miriam, 552 00:18:43,630 --> 00:18:45,100 what did he say? 553 00:18:45,300 --> 00:18:48,020 [whispers] What? Papa, stop. I'm trying to listen to the vows. 554 00:18:48,220 --> 00:18:50,030 Rose, is she quitting? 555 00:18:50,220 --> 00:18:51,440 What is wrong with you people? 556 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,320 And I am your Janusz until we die, 557 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:54,780 together, 558 00:18:54,980 --> 00:18:57,820 - peacefully, let's hope. - [both chuckle] 559 00:18:58,020 --> 00:19:00,330 Abe, are we losing Zelda? 560 00:19:00,530 --> 00:19:01,950 "Never having to work another day" 561 00:19:02,150 --> 00:19:04,250 is pretty cut-and-dry. We're work. 562 00:19:04,450 --> 00:19:07,130 - Shh. - We're not just work, we're family. 563 00:19:07,330 --> 00:19:08,880 This is how she tells us? 564 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:10,800 Hey! There's a man speaking Polish up here. 565 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,050 And what did he mean, "without burden"? 566 00:19:13,250 --> 00:19:14,550 Have we been a burden to Zelda all these years? 567 00:19:14,750 --> 00:19:16,550 Mama, Papa, knock it off. 568 00:19:16,750 --> 00:19:19,050 I don't know why you're being so calm right now. 569 00:19:19,250 --> 00:19:20,890 Because our Zelda's getting married. 570 00:19:21,090 --> 00:19:22,850 Apparently our Zelda thinks we're a burden, 571 00:19:23,050 --> 00:19:23,850 that includes you. 572 00:19:24,050 --> 00:19:25,310 What? No, it doesn't. 573 00:19:25,510 --> 00:19:27,940 Most of her day is spent taking care of your children. 574 00:19:28,140 --> 00:19:30,070 Yes, she loves them. They're like family. 575 00:19:30,260 --> 00:19:31,360 Are you sure about that? 576 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:32,690 My children are not the burden. 577 00:19:32,890 --> 00:19:33,900 He was talking about you guys. 578 00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:36,150 Either way, you're losing 579 00:19:36,350 --> 00:19:38,280 your childcare. 580 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:40,160 Oh. 581 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:42,580 Did that sound like Zelda was quitting to you? 582 00:19:42,780 --> 00:19:44,200 I couldn't tell you what's what anymore, 583 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,410 - everything's in Polish. - If she quits, we're screwed. 584 00:19:46,610 --> 00:19:48,540 - Who's gonna watch the kids? - Oh, God. 585 00:19:48,740 --> 00:19:50,090 Zelda brings them by the club after school 586 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,130 when I can't pick them up. This is not good. 587 00:19:52,330 --> 00:19:54,210 Excuse me, guys, Father Piotr, 588 00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:56,380 but is it too late to make an objection? 589 00:19:56,580 --> 00:19:57,760 - I'm sorry? - Oy gevalt. 590 00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,680 Well, not an objection, per se. 591 00:19:59,880 --> 00:20:02,810 A r-request for clarification, really. 592 00:20:03,010 --> 00:20:04,430 I'm just wondering, 593 00:20:04,630 --> 00:20:08,480 when you say the bride will "finally enjoy" her life, 594 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,110 uh, when exactly will she start enjoying it? 595 00:20:12,310 --> 00:20:15,690 Are we thinking end of the year? 596 00:20:15,890 --> 00:20:17,450 Through the summer? 597 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:20,200 We have that cocktail party in May for my clients. 598 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,910 Uh, could the bride start to enjoy her life 599 00:20:23,110 --> 00:20:24,410 after the cocktail party? 600 00:20:24,610 --> 00:20:26,620 Oh, a-and would the bride still be able to pick Ethan up 601 00:20:26,820 --> 00:20:28,420 from school Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, 602 00:20:28,610 --> 00:20:29,710 or was that part of the burden, too? 603 00:20:29,910 --> 00:20:31,540 Pipe down, all of you. 604 00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:34,300 You're making Jews look loud and obnoxious! 605 00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,090 [fabric tears] 606 00:20:36,290 --> 00:20:37,570 Damn it! 607 00:20:38,980 --> 00:20:41,390 As Janusz and Zelda have consented 608 00:20:41,590 --> 00:20:44,680 to holy wedlock before God, 609 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,980 I pronounce that they be 610 00:20:47,170 --> 00:20:49,230 man and wife together. 611 00:20:49,430 --> 00:20:52,150 In the name of the Father, of the Son, 612 00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:54,110 and of the Holy Ghost. 613 00:20:54,310 --> 00:20:55,530 Amen. 614 00:20:55,730 --> 00:20:57,590 - [chuckles] - [applause] 615 00:21:00,090 --> 00:21:02,160 This reminds me of our wedding. 616 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,410 Your mother had her head up my skirt 617 00:21:04,610 --> 00:21:06,120 the entire night. 618 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,600 [chuckles] 619 00:21:09,390 --> 00:21:11,880 Just called down to see if little Katrina in 3B 620 00:21:12,070 --> 00:21:13,960 - is still looking to babysit. - And? 621 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,710 Turns out she now has two littler Katrinas of her own 622 00:21:16,910 --> 00:21:18,010 and needs a babysitter. 623 00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:19,970 Wasn't she 12, like, a year ago? 624 00:21:20,170 --> 00:21:21,640 Hope not. 625 00:21:21,830 --> 00:21:23,970 Vodka? It's ceremonial. 626 00:21:24,170 --> 00:21:26,010 Sure. 627 00:21:26,210 --> 00:21:28,890 To our kids figuring out how to raise themselves. 628 00:21:29,090 --> 00:21:30,770 To Zelda finding love. 629 00:21:30,970 --> 00:21:32,750 - Ooh, much better. - [chuckles softly] 630 00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,980 That's good. [clears throat] 631 00:21:38,180 --> 00:21:39,650 Hey, want to add a day care to the Button Club? 632 00:21:39,850 --> 00:21:41,240 - Maybe at the new club. - Oh, yeah. 633 00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,530 How was Our Mother of Holy Hell? 634 00:21:43,730 --> 00:21:45,160 We're gonna buy it. 635 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:47,990 - That's great. - [chuckles] 636 00:21:48,190 --> 00:21:49,370 I'm really happy for you. 637 00:21:49,570 --> 00:21:50,660 [Zelda] You just find the dirty spot 638 00:21:50,860 --> 00:21:52,120 on the carpet, and you push forward, 639 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:53,330 then you pull back. 640 00:21:53,530 --> 00:21:55,380 You push forward, then pull back. 641 00:21:55,580 --> 00:21:57,750 - For how long? - Till the dirt is gone. 642 00:21:57,950 --> 00:22:00,510 - How will I know? - Rose, stop monopolizing her. 643 00:22:00,710 --> 00:22:02,970 Now, Zelda, can you please explain 644 00:22:03,170 --> 00:22:06,140 - the exact mechanicals of the suction function? - No! 645 00:22:06,340 --> 00:22:09,060 - [Abe] And what do we do when it's full-- - Midge... 646 00:22:09,260 --> 00:22:10,600 - buy a new one? - You empty it, Mr. Weissman. - Joel. 647 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,690 When you did that trade show a couple months ago, 648 00:22:13,890 --> 00:22:15,940 there were two guys. They were talking to Susie. 649 00:22:16,140 --> 00:22:18,780 - Frank and Nicky? - Sure. They're friends of Susie's? 650 00:22:18,970 --> 00:22:20,190 Friends? Well... 651 00:22:20,390 --> 00:22:21,400 'Cause they seem like thugs. 652 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,280 No. Well, yes. 653 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:24,450 They're friendly thugs. 654 00:22:24,650 --> 00:22:25,660 What the hell are friendly thugs? 655 00:22:25,860 --> 00:22:27,870 I don't know. Thugs who say hi to the mailman. 656 00:22:28,070 --> 00:22:30,330 You don't need to worry about Frank and Nicky. 657 00:22:30,530 --> 00:22:31,330 I think I do. 658 00:22:31,530 --> 00:22:32,870 No, look, yes, 659 00:22:33,070 --> 00:22:34,620 they are not men who punch a clock for a living. 660 00:22:34,820 --> 00:22:36,040 They punch the guy who punches the clock. 661 00:22:36,240 --> 00:22:39,050 But they are friends of Susie's. Yes. 662 00:22:39,250 --> 00:22:40,760 - Sort of. - Friends? 663 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,300 Well, they weren't always friends. 664 00:22:42,500 --> 00:22:43,430 They actually kidnapped her once. 665 00:22:43,620 --> 00:22:45,340 - Uh-huh. - Mm. They were supposed to 666 00:22:45,540 --> 00:22:46,760 rough her up or kill her 667 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,930 or dump her body in the East River, but they didn't. 668 00:22:49,130 --> 00:22:52,180 Wow, a happy ending. Guess I was worried for nothing. 669 00:22:52,380 --> 00:22:53,810 You do not need to worry about it. 670 00:22:54,010 --> 00:22:55,770 I'm in the club business. 671 00:22:55,970 --> 00:22:57,400 My father's in the garment industry. 672 00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:58,610 I know these kind of guys. 673 00:22:58,810 --> 00:23:00,650 I'm in the club business, too, Joel. 674 00:23:00,850 --> 00:23:02,740 Well, if you think this isn't gonna bite you in the ass... 675 00:23:02,940 --> 00:23:05,990 I'm a big girl, with a big a... You know what I mean. 676 00:23:06,190 --> 00:23:07,410 I don't want you mixed up with them. 677 00:23:07,610 --> 00:23:09,370 - I'm not. - But Susie is. 678 00:23:09,570 --> 00:23:11,290 Midge, I know she's your manager 679 00:23:11,490 --> 00:23:12,910 and she's helped you with your career, but 680 00:23:13,110 --> 00:23:14,750 I don't know if you've noticed, she's kind of fucked up. 681 00:23:14,950 --> 00:23:16,120 Everyone's fucked up in comedy. 682 00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:17,330 And if she's in bed with these guys, 683 00:23:17,530 --> 00:23:18,460 then you're in bed with these guys. 684 00:23:18,660 --> 00:23:19,790 I'm not in bed with anyone. 685 00:23:19,990 --> 00:23:21,130 I'm sleeping on the floor, pal. 686 00:23:21,330 --> 00:23:23,010 She had you dancing on a garbage truck for them. 687 00:23:23,210 --> 00:23:25,220 - I didn't dance. I can't dance. - Midge, come on. 688 00:23:25,420 --> 00:23:26,470 Joel, you're pissing me off. 689 00:23:26,670 --> 00:23:27,840 Sorry. I don't think you know 690 00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:28,930 what you're getting into here. 691 00:23:29,130 --> 00:23:30,260 I know exactly what I'm getting into. 692 00:23:30,460 --> 00:23:31,770 It was a one-time thing. After that, 693 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,560 everything's squared away. Nothing owed. 694 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,100 So, you can just relax and go back to your 695 00:23:35,300 --> 00:23:36,850 "club manager person being thing." 696 00:23:37,050 --> 00:23:38,860 - That was terrible. - Fuck you. How was that? 697 00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:41,020 I don't want anything to happen to you. Can't you get that 698 00:23:41,220 --> 00:23:42,900 through your thick head with the 30 layers 699 00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:43,990 of fucking hair spray? 700 00:23:44,190 --> 00:23:45,530 You never used to mind my hair spray. 701 00:23:45,730 --> 00:23:47,240 Oh, bullshit. It's like crop-dusting 702 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:48,450 in the bathroom when you're done. 703 00:23:48,650 --> 00:23:50,580 Back off, Joel. I can take care of myself. 704 00:23:50,770 --> 00:23:52,450 Oh, so, what, I shouldn't give a shit? 705 00:23:52,650 --> 00:23:54,080 - I never said that. - I shouldn't care about you? 706 00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:56,000 - Of course you should. - 'Cause too bad, I'm gonna. 707 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:57,580 I don't care how mad you get at me, 708 00:23:57,780 --> 00:23:59,040 - I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. - Fine. 709 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,000 If anyone so much as touches a hair on your head-- 710 00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,210 not that they could with all that goddamn hair spray-- 711 00:24:03,410 --> 00:24:04,670 they would not be dead enough. Do you understand? 712 00:24:04,870 --> 00:24:07,010 I don't. Can you explain it again, caveman-style? 713 00:24:07,210 --> 00:24:08,220 A lot of men wash their hands of their ex-wives, 714 00:24:08,420 --> 00:24:09,890 - you know that? - I know. 715 00:24:10,090 --> 00:24:11,300 They'd just be like, "Oh, you're owned 716 00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:12,430 by the mob? Too bad." 717 00:24:12,630 --> 00:24:13,850 Well, they're assholes. 718 00:24:14,050 --> 00:24:15,230 - I'm not washing my hands. - I know, 719 00:24:15,420 --> 00:24:17,120 'cause you're not an asshole. 720 00:24:20,580 --> 00:24:22,610 - [Rose] Abe? - [Abe] Zelda. 721 00:24:22,810 --> 00:24:25,150 [Zelda] Mr. Weissman, I told you not to run the toaster 722 00:24:25,350 --> 00:24:26,610 and vacuum at the same time. 723 00:24:26,810 --> 00:24:29,170 [Abe] So, my whole life has to change? 724 00:24:32,010 --> 00:24:33,740 So... 725 00:24:33,940 --> 00:24:35,260 Yeah. 726 00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:41,790 I have to go tell jokes about diapers on a boat. 727 00:24:41,990 --> 00:24:43,670 That sounds made up. 728 00:24:43,870 --> 00:24:45,340 To be continued? 729 00:24:45,540 --> 00:24:47,110 Apparently so. 730 00:24:50,940 --> 00:24:52,220 [sighs] 731 00:24:52,420 --> 00:24:53,740 [sucks teeth] 732 00:24:58,530 --> 00:25:00,770 [sighs] 733 00:25:00,970 --> 00:25:02,900 - Okay, just let him know that Dinah - Okay, just tell him that 734 00:25:03,100 --> 00:25:04,860 - from Susie Myerson and Associates called again. - Susie Myerson called again, 735 00:25:05,060 --> 00:25:06,420 - and she expects a call back soon. - Thank you so much. 736 00:25:08,460 --> 00:25:09,700 - [sighs] - Any luck? 737 00:25:09,900 --> 00:25:13,370 None. I went to Sardi's, where he'd just had lunch. 738 00:25:13,570 --> 00:25:15,950 He'd eaten everything but the bacon, egg and avocado 739 00:25:16,150 --> 00:25:17,620 from his Cobb salad and, honestly, 740 00:25:17,820 --> 00:25:19,000 why get a Cobb salad then? 741 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:21,170 But the waiter told me he mentioned 742 00:25:21,370 --> 00:25:22,710 he was heading to his barber, 743 00:25:22,910 --> 00:25:24,960 so I go down to Astor Place. 744 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:26,420 You know how many guys named David 745 00:25:26,620 --> 00:25:27,760 were having their hair cut in there? 746 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,090 They all looked alike, too. 747 00:25:29,290 --> 00:25:31,300 I had to get a straight razor shave to fit in. 748 00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:34,140 Felt really fucking good. I recommend it. 749 00:25:34,340 --> 00:25:35,560 That's how I did. How about you? 750 00:25:35,750 --> 00:25:37,220 - I've left 52 messages. - Did you pretend 751 00:25:37,420 --> 00:25:39,100 to be Eartha Kitt? You do a great Eartha Kitt. 752 00:25:39,300 --> 00:25:40,810 [imitating Eartha Kitt] Three hours ago, yes. 753 00:25:41,010 --> 00:25:42,020 Mm. What about your IRS lady? 754 00:25:42,220 --> 00:25:43,270 [regular voice] I did her, too, and now 755 00:25:43,470 --> 00:25:45,270 I have to have lunch with his accountant. 756 00:25:45,470 --> 00:25:47,230 Dinah, I just heard. He left for the day. 757 00:25:47,430 --> 00:25:49,360 [both] Motherfucker! 758 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:51,450 [groans] 759 00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:53,660 That's it. 760 00:25:53,860 --> 00:25:55,700 - Where are you going? - Back out. 761 00:25:55,900 --> 00:25:58,330 Gonna show off my shave. 762 00:25:58,530 --> 00:26:01,410 - [phone rings] - Hello? 763 00:26:01,610 --> 00:26:03,420 Yes, this is the Internal Revenue Service. 764 00:26:03,620 --> 00:26:04,670 How may I help you? 765 00:26:04,870 --> 00:26:06,810 [♪ Dorothy Dandridge: "Stay With It"] 766 00:26:11,190 --> 00:26:13,300 ♪ Pray for it ♪ 767 00:26:13,500 --> 00:26:16,350 ♪ Say hooray for it ♪ 768 00:26:16,550 --> 00:26:18,430 ♪ But just stay with it... ♪ 769 00:26:18,630 --> 00:26:20,020 [indistinct chatter] 770 00:26:20,220 --> 00:26:21,850 So I said, I said, "Dizzy, I don't know what you're playing, 771 00:26:22,050 --> 00:26:24,730 but I'm in B-flat." In front of a paying audience. 772 00:26:24,930 --> 00:26:27,230 [laughter] 773 00:26:27,430 --> 00:26:30,240 Oh, yes, yes, Nanette. Thank you. 774 00:26:30,430 --> 00:26:31,690 I made it myself in the back. 775 00:26:31,890 --> 00:26:33,360 They only put out bourbon at these things 776 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:35,570 'cause it's all these guys drink. It's so boring. 777 00:26:35,770 --> 00:26:37,120 Happy to liven things up for you. 778 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:39,370 I saw you at The Wolford, by the way. You're funny. 779 00:26:39,570 --> 00:26:42,370 Mm. Well, I'm a fan of your work as well. 780 00:26:42,570 --> 00:26:45,000 Keep these flying and make sure everybody's nice and drunk. 781 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:46,630 You got it. [chuckles] 782 00:26:46,830 --> 00:26:49,090 Well, don't you look pretty as a picture. 783 00:26:49,290 --> 00:26:51,050 You clean up nice yourself, George. 784 00:26:51,250 --> 00:26:52,970 They're all in very good moods. 785 00:26:53,170 --> 00:26:55,470 And they all have very young wives. 786 00:26:55,670 --> 00:26:57,970 Those aren't their wives. You ready to knock 'em dead? 787 00:26:58,170 --> 00:27:00,600 It's that or jump overboard and swim back to shore. 788 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:03,020 Yes. I'm ready. Let's go. 789 00:27:03,220 --> 00:27:04,730 You have better jokes than that, right? 790 00:27:04,930 --> 00:27:07,060 - I do. - All right. 791 00:27:07,260 --> 00:27:10,820 ♪ Hoove your heart right in and stay with love ♪♪ 792 00:27:11,020 --> 00:27:13,190 Good evening and ahoy. 793 00:27:13,390 --> 00:27:14,950 [cheering] 794 00:27:15,150 --> 00:27:18,370 - How are we all doing tonight? - [cheering] 795 00:27:18,570 --> 00:27:20,240 What a great event, right? 796 00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:23,200 Sailing around the isle of Manhattan. 797 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,580 The combination of a swaying boat 798 00:27:25,780 --> 00:27:28,500 and double bourbons. What could go wrong? 799 00:27:28,700 --> 00:27:31,300 - [laughter] - I am Mrs. Maisel, one of 800 00:27:31,500 --> 00:27:32,420 The Gordon Ford Show writers, 801 00:27:32,620 --> 00:27:34,670 and I want to thank you for your interest in our 802 00:27:34,870 --> 00:27:38,260 humble, little, "number one in the ratings 803 00:27:38,460 --> 00:27:41,010 put that in your pipe and smoke it, Jack Paar" show. 804 00:27:41,210 --> 00:27:43,020 [cheering] 805 00:27:43,220 --> 00:27:44,600 Wow. 806 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:48,190 Here I am talking to a boat full of men about diaper cream. 807 00:27:48,390 --> 00:27:49,810 [laughter] 808 00:27:50,010 --> 00:27:51,440 I wonder if somewhere on the East River 809 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,030 there's a male comic talking to a boat 810 00:27:53,230 --> 00:27:55,490 full of women about power tools. 811 00:27:55,690 --> 00:27:58,360 - [laughter] - Ironic that Diddy Doo Diaper Cream 812 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:01,280 was invented by men. I mean, men are masters 813 00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:04,370 of the universe-- wheel, fire, war, et cetera-- 814 00:28:04,570 --> 00:28:05,910 but babies? 815 00:28:06,110 --> 00:28:08,290 Not really their domain, is it? 816 00:28:08,490 --> 00:28:11,340 Every time a man holds a baby it ends in screaming tears. 817 00:28:11,540 --> 00:28:13,670 And then the baby gets upset, too. 818 00:28:13,870 --> 00:28:16,130 [laughter] 819 00:28:16,330 --> 00:28:18,340 I appreciate you guys, really. 820 00:28:18,540 --> 00:28:21,300 Th-This boat is full of the only men in America 821 00:28:21,500 --> 00:28:23,640 who actually care this much about baby ointment. 822 00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:25,980 But let's be honest, 823 00:28:26,180 --> 00:28:27,890 the biggest reason you care 824 00:28:28,090 --> 00:28:31,060 is that it makes you a ton of money. 825 00:28:31,260 --> 00:28:34,150 [cheering] 826 00:28:34,350 --> 00:28:37,200 But the second-biggest reason is your future third wives 827 00:28:37,390 --> 00:28:38,700 are currently in diapers, 828 00:28:38,900 --> 00:28:40,450 and you don't want them to be uncomfortable. 829 00:28:40,650 --> 00:28:43,830 - [laughter] - And I think that's very kind of you. 830 00:28:44,030 --> 00:28:45,890 [laughs] Yes. 831 00:28:47,970 --> 00:28:49,790 - Can I ask you a question? - [piano player] Yes. 832 00:28:49,990 --> 00:28:51,080 - A question. - [piano player] Yes. 833 00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:52,130 - A question. - Yes. 834 00:28:52,330 --> 00:28:53,460 It's something I can't figure out. 835 00:28:53,660 --> 00:28:55,300 - I hope you won't say no. - No. 836 00:28:55,500 --> 00:28:57,300 - It's all about my sister. - What? 837 00:28:57,500 --> 00:28:58,300 - My sister. - Who? 838 00:28:58,500 --> 00:28:59,300 - My sister. - Oh. 839 00:28:59,500 --> 00:29:00,930 She's joined a nudist colony. 840 00:29:01,130 --> 00:29:02,300 [laughter] 841 00:29:02,500 --> 00:29:05,140 - So, what I want to know... - Yes? 842 00:29:05,340 --> 00:29:09,270 ♪ What can you get a nudist for her birthday? ♪ 843 00:29:09,470 --> 00:29:12,480 ♪ What kind of birthday present can you buy? ♪ 844 00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:13,650 David Weston. 845 00:29:13,850 --> 00:29:15,150 ♪ Tell me on the level ♪ 846 00:29:15,350 --> 00:29:16,940 ♪ Can I send her a muff? ♪ 847 00:29:17,140 --> 00:29:19,030 You are a very hard man to get ahold of. 848 00:29:19,230 --> 00:29:21,110 - Who the hell are you? - Susie Myerson. 849 00:29:21,310 --> 00:29:24,200 I represent James Howard. You know, that terrific comic 850 00:29:24,400 --> 00:29:26,240 with the startling dramatic ability you've had audition 851 00:29:26,440 --> 00:29:28,370 for your war picture, what is it, four times now? 852 00:29:28,570 --> 00:29:29,660 You can't be serious. 853 00:29:29,860 --> 00:29:32,580 Why order a Cobb salad if you don't like bacon or eggs? 854 00:29:32,780 --> 00:29:33,960 How do you know I like Cobb salad? 855 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:35,670 You don't like Cobb salad is my point. 856 00:29:35,870 --> 00:29:37,300 I-I think you should leave. 857 00:29:37,500 --> 00:29:39,090 This is not the place for this conversation. 858 00:29:39,290 --> 00:29:42,010 I agree. It's 180 fucking degrees in here, 859 00:29:42,210 --> 00:29:43,850 and the acoustics are terrible. 860 00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:45,640 You can call my office during business hours and make... 861 00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:49,230 I have been calling your office during business hours, David, 862 00:29:49,420 --> 00:29:51,310 nonstop for two days straight. 863 00:29:51,510 --> 00:29:53,650 You don't take my calls, you won't call me back. 864 00:29:53,850 --> 00:29:56,150 What are we, married? All I need is an answer, 865 00:29:56,350 --> 00:29:57,570 so I can get this kid off my back. 866 00:29:57,770 --> 00:29:59,150 He's driving me up a goddamn wall. 867 00:29:59,350 --> 00:30:01,150 I will pay you five bucks for that water. 868 00:30:01,350 --> 00:30:02,410 It's free over there. There's a jug. 869 00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:04,880 I will die if I move. Give me that water. 870 00:30:08,590 --> 00:30:12,250 Ah. Okay. So, what's it gonna be, yes or no? 871 00:30:12,450 --> 00:30:13,830 - Huh? - You think I'm giving you 872 00:30:14,030 --> 00:30:15,590 an answer here and now? 873 00:30:15,780 --> 00:30:18,630 - Just pick one. - He was very good and I'm still debating. 874 00:30:18,830 --> 00:30:22,260 David, seriously, listen. 875 00:30:22,460 --> 00:30:25,470 I don't give a shit. Actually, I'd prefer it to be no. 876 00:30:25,670 --> 00:30:27,810 This kid is a great comic, 877 00:30:28,010 --> 00:30:29,970 and, frankly, I make so much more money 878 00:30:30,170 --> 00:30:31,680 off of him if he goes out on tour. 879 00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,310 I mean, he goes out for a year, boom, that's my next car, 880 00:30:34,510 --> 00:30:37,060 and he comes back a giant star, 881 00:30:37,260 --> 00:30:38,860 and then I can get him a world tour. 882 00:30:39,060 --> 00:30:41,150 Oh, I'll have to move to the country, I'll have so many cars. 883 00:30:41,350 --> 00:30:42,570 I'll park 'em all over the place, 884 00:30:42,770 --> 00:30:44,070 and then I'll just drive one car to another 885 00:30:44,270 --> 00:30:45,360 all day long. 886 00:30:45,560 --> 00:30:47,660 [sighs] If he were to come work for you, 887 00:30:47,860 --> 00:30:50,410 you'd pay him nothing, and I would have to take that 888 00:30:50,610 --> 00:30:53,750 'cause he wants to do this ridiculous movie so badly. 889 00:30:53,950 --> 00:30:55,330 He's never wanted anything more in his life. 890 00:30:55,530 --> 00:30:56,750 He won't shut up about it. 891 00:30:56,950 --> 00:30:59,250 Frankly, I don't know why. I read the script. 892 00:30:59,450 --> 00:31:01,210 It's terrible. It's a terrible, terrible script. 893 00:31:01,410 --> 00:31:02,220 Now, hold on a second. 894 00:31:02,410 --> 00:31:03,720 It's a brilliant script. 895 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,300 The man who wrote it was nominated for an Oscar. 896 00:31:06,500 --> 00:31:08,430 Did he win? Didn't think so. 897 00:31:08,630 --> 00:31:10,770 I'm just telling you, it's got act three problems, 898 00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:11,970 but, you know, you go ahead 899 00:31:12,170 --> 00:31:13,350 and do what you're gonna do. I don't care. 900 00:31:13,550 --> 00:31:16,060 "I don't care"? That's what you told him? 901 00:31:16,260 --> 00:31:17,980 - [Susie] Yep. - And that it was a terrible script? 902 00:31:18,180 --> 00:31:20,650 - That's right. - After you cornered him at a gay bathhouse? 903 00:31:20,850 --> 00:31:22,530 Look, I had a hunch where he hung out, 904 00:31:22,730 --> 00:31:24,780 but I didn't want to go there. He forced my hand. 905 00:31:24,980 --> 00:31:26,990 What was it like? The bathhouse? 906 00:31:27,190 --> 00:31:28,740 [groans] So many dicks. 907 00:31:28,940 --> 00:31:30,830 - Just as I pictured. - [Susie sighs] 908 00:31:31,030 --> 00:31:33,080 Stop looking at me that way. 909 00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:34,910 You begged him not to hire your client. 910 00:31:35,110 --> 00:31:36,790 That's the opposite of what you're supposed to do. 911 00:31:36,990 --> 00:31:39,540 Look, it was my last play. He said he liked James 912 00:31:39,740 --> 00:31:41,090 but he's also looking at Dick Gregory, 913 00:31:41,290 --> 00:31:42,380 James Earl Jones. 914 00:31:42,580 --> 00:31:44,840 That's stiff competition, so I had to do something. 915 00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:46,340 [chuckles] Stiff. 916 00:31:46,540 --> 00:31:47,800 [Susie and Dinah] Go home, Maggie. 917 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:49,800 All right. 918 00:31:50,000 --> 00:31:52,720 [sighs] I had to force my way out of the place, too. 919 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:55,100 Of all the times to form a nude conga line. 920 00:31:55,300 --> 00:31:56,310 So, what now? 921 00:31:56,510 --> 00:31:58,650 Mm. We wait. 922 00:31:58,850 --> 00:32:01,250 Then we throw up. And then we wait. 923 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:05,440 I signed a really good cabaret singer, though. 924 00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:06,610 That's something. 925 00:32:06,810 --> 00:32:09,200 Mm. James will be thrilled to hear that. 926 00:32:09,400 --> 00:32:11,410 - [men laughing] - [George] So, boys, 927 00:32:11,610 --> 00:32:13,080 how about our secret weapon here? 928 00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:15,120 - Can I spot talent or what? - Hysterical. 929 00:32:15,320 --> 00:32:17,080 Who knew our diaper cream was so funny? 930 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:19,790 Well, anything involving a tush is generally comedy gold. 931 00:32:19,990 --> 00:32:21,590 - [laughs] - Do you perform like this often? 932 00:32:21,790 --> 00:32:23,130 Every night, as a matter of fact. 933 00:32:23,330 --> 00:32:24,260 You know, George, she should be on the show. 934 00:32:24,450 --> 00:32:26,300 I've never thought of that. 935 00:32:26,500 --> 00:32:27,590 - She could be our spokesperson. - Intriguing. 936 00:32:27,790 --> 00:32:29,430 Uh, fellas. 937 00:32:29,630 --> 00:32:31,300 She could be our funny Diddy Doo Doll. 938 00:32:31,500 --> 00:32:32,930 - Changing a baby. - In a bikini. 939 00:32:33,130 --> 00:32:35,390 [Tom] Yes, because motherhood can be sexy. 940 00:32:35,590 --> 00:32:37,600 - [Ed chuckles] - Okay. Well, it's been lovely speaking 941 00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:38,810 with you, gentlemen. George, 942 00:32:39,010 --> 00:32:40,310 - I'll see you at the office. - All right. 943 00:32:40,510 --> 00:32:41,520 I love this idea. 944 00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:43,440 This is the best idea I've ever heard. 945 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:45,780 [Darren laughs] Come on. 946 00:32:45,980 --> 00:32:46,990 [Nanette] I got to get back to work. 947 00:32:47,190 --> 00:32:48,740 [Darren] Five minutes. One dance. 948 00:32:48,940 --> 00:32:51,950 - There's no music. - I'll hum a little something. [chuckles] 949 00:32:52,150 --> 00:32:53,780 - [Nanette] Please, let me go. - [Darren] But you're too cute. 950 00:32:53,980 --> 00:32:56,410 - Oy, buddy! - Yeah? 951 00:32:56,610 --> 00:32:58,460 Why don't you let the nice lady finish her shift? 952 00:32:58,660 --> 00:32:59,710 We're just having a chat. 953 00:32:59,910 --> 00:33:00,960 Well, I don't know what your mama taught you, 954 00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:02,380 but you don't need to use your hands to chat. 955 00:33:02,580 --> 00:33:04,670 Oh, it was nothing. 956 00:33:04,870 --> 00:33:08,630 It's not nice to touch things that aren't yours, right? 957 00:33:08,830 --> 00:33:10,970 Ooh. Italian? 958 00:33:11,170 --> 00:33:12,760 Very funny. Give me my coat. 959 00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:14,850 Oh, am I touching something that you don't want touched? 960 00:33:15,050 --> 00:33:16,220 - That's enough. - Do you not like that? 961 00:33:16,420 --> 00:33:17,600 You've made your point, now give it back. 962 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:19,730 Is it expensive? Looks expensive. 963 00:33:19,930 --> 00:33:21,770 - Give it back. - Does it look good on me? 964 00:33:21,970 --> 00:33:23,440 I just want to see. Oh. 965 00:33:23,640 --> 00:33:25,690 - Oh. - [jacket splashes] 966 00:33:25,890 --> 00:33:27,780 Huh. 967 00:33:27,980 --> 00:33:29,860 You didn't have your keys in there, did you? 968 00:33:30,060 --> 00:33:33,160 - [boat horn honks] - Well, that took a turn. 969 00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:34,130 How embarrassing. 970 00:33:37,680 --> 00:33:41,270 [woman] Well, she's not laughing now. 971 00:33:43,060 --> 00:33:44,130 [elevator bell dings] 972 00:33:44,330 --> 00:33:45,890 [grunts] 973 00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:55,260 Hello there. Susie Myerson, of Susie Myerson and Associates. 974 00:33:55,460 --> 00:33:57,600 I represent... this woman. 975 00:33:57,800 --> 00:34:00,060 Susie, this is Alan Young from NBC Legal, 976 00:34:00,260 --> 00:34:02,140 Barbara Stern, head of Public Relations 977 00:34:02,340 --> 00:34:04,230 and George Toledano, our executive producer. 978 00:34:04,430 --> 00:34:05,820 Susie is Midge's manager. 979 00:34:06,010 --> 00:34:08,440 - You didn't call a lawyer? - I don't have a lawyer. 980 00:34:08,640 --> 00:34:10,070 I, have, uh, my card here. 981 00:34:10,270 --> 00:34:11,990 Jesus, mildew grows fast. 982 00:34:12,190 --> 00:34:14,620 Might want to let these dry out before you put 'em away. 983 00:34:14,820 --> 00:34:17,120 This isn't a friendly "get to know you," miss. 984 00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:18,580 Gordon will be here momentarily. 985 00:34:18,780 --> 00:34:19,870 - Have a seat. - Thank you. 986 00:34:20,070 --> 00:34:22,040 - [elevator bell dings] - [chuckles] 987 00:34:22,240 --> 00:34:24,750 What happened? Why are you wet? What's with the coat? 988 00:34:24,950 --> 00:34:27,210 Long story. I may have fucked up. 989 00:34:27,410 --> 00:34:30,460 Well, well, well. Emergency meetings, my favorite. 990 00:34:30,660 --> 00:34:31,840 Normally, I'd be furious about 991 00:34:32,040 --> 00:34:33,130 being called in from a night out, 992 00:34:33,330 --> 00:34:34,680 but tonight's thing was for an animal rescue 993 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:36,510 that Hedy loves that I do not, 994 00:34:36,710 --> 00:34:37,910 so you're actually rescuing me. 995 00:34:39,450 --> 00:34:40,730 Wow. This ought to be good. 996 00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:42,810 [George] It's not. There was an incident on the boat. 997 00:34:43,010 --> 00:34:44,440 - What boat? - The boat. 998 00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:46,020 The function with the company. 999 00:34:46,220 --> 00:34:47,480 I'm sorry, the boat thing still happened? 1000 00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:48,610 It was already paid for. 1001 00:34:48,810 --> 00:34:50,280 - And you were on the boat? - She was. 1002 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:52,700 - [Gordon] Why were you on the boat? - I wanted to help. 1003 00:34:52,890 --> 00:34:55,110 - Have maritime skills, do you? - I was the entertainment. 1004 00:34:55,310 --> 00:34:57,990 - You entertained sponsors? - Yes, to help out George. 1005 00:34:58,190 --> 00:35:01,000 So, not only did the boat party that I said no to still happen, 1006 00:35:01,190 --> 00:35:03,080 but this is who you sent up in lieu of me? 1007 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:05,420 A staff writer that gets one joke in every four weeks? 1008 00:35:05,620 --> 00:35:06,630 What, was Trudy busy? 1009 00:35:06,830 --> 00:35:08,460 Hey, the gig was good. The reps loved it. 1010 00:35:08,660 --> 00:35:10,050 And her joke average is way up. 1011 00:35:10,250 --> 00:35:12,590 Yeah, all good gigs end with emergency meetings right after. 1012 00:35:12,790 --> 00:35:14,470 The gig's not what's in question. 1013 00:35:14,670 --> 00:35:15,890 Why don't you stop being coy, 1014 00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:18,510 young lady, and tell Gordon exactly why we're here? 1015 00:35:18,710 --> 00:35:20,890 Well... 1016 00:35:21,090 --> 00:35:22,430 I was arrested by the coast guard. 1017 00:35:22,630 --> 00:35:23,730 [Susie] They can arrest people? 1018 00:35:23,930 --> 00:35:26,060 Are we free anywhere in this country? 1019 00:35:26,260 --> 00:35:27,190 You really should have gone with Trudy. 1020 00:35:27,390 --> 00:35:28,730 It wasn't my fault. 1021 00:35:28,930 --> 00:35:30,570 There was a guy getting way too friendly with a waitress 1022 00:35:30,770 --> 00:35:32,860 who wasn't appreciating it, so I cut in to save her 1023 00:35:33,060 --> 00:35:35,240 and things just got a little out of hand. 1024 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:37,240 That's not what I heard. He said nothing happened. 1025 00:35:37,440 --> 00:35:39,070 He was merely talking to the girl when this one came over, 1026 00:35:39,270 --> 00:35:40,280 assaulted him, 1027 00:35:40,480 --> 00:35:42,370 and threw his jacket in the goddamn river. 1028 00:35:42,570 --> 00:35:44,370 It's a jacket. He's probably got a closet full of 'em. 1029 00:35:44,570 --> 00:35:45,750 Who was this asshole? 1030 00:35:45,950 --> 00:35:47,500 He was one of the reps from Diddy Doo. 1031 00:35:47,700 --> 00:35:49,750 Diddy Doo? The diaper cream? [chuckles] 1032 00:35:49,950 --> 00:35:51,130 They're gonna sponsor the show? 1033 00:35:51,330 --> 00:35:53,210 That, George. That's why. 1034 00:35:53,410 --> 00:35:56,050 Look, people, this isn't that big a problem. 1035 00:35:56,250 --> 00:35:57,300 I mean, what are we looking at here, 1036 00:35:57,500 --> 00:35:59,010 a slap on the wrist, a dry cleaning bill? 1037 00:35:59,210 --> 00:36:01,010 The charges include aggravated assault 1038 00:36:01,210 --> 00:36:02,010 and disorderly conduct. 1039 00:36:02,210 --> 00:36:03,100 Wait, they're charging her 1040 00:36:03,300 --> 00:36:04,060 for assaulting a guy who was 1041 00:36:04,260 --> 00:36:05,350 assaulting somebody else first? 1042 00:36:05,550 --> 00:36:07,290 - There's more. - More? 1043 00:36:08,950 --> 00:36:11,150 The boat was far enough out from Manhattan that, 1044 00:36:11,350 --> 00:36:13,070 technically, we were on a stretch of water 1045 00:36:13,270 --> 00:36:15,780 that's considered international. 1046 00:36:15,980 --> 00:36:17,280 What? 1047 00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:18,860 So, France may have to weigh in. 1048 00:36:19,060 --> 00:36:20,700 France? Like France-France? 1049 00:36:20,900 --> 00:36:22,580 - That's idiotic. - There's more. 1050 00:36:22,780 --> 00:36:24,410 - The "more" guy. - [George] Continue. 1051 00:36:24,610 --> 00:36:26,210 Since the guy's wallet was in his jacket 1052 00:36:26,400 --> 00:36:27,920 and there was money in his wallet and on a boat, 1053 00:36:28,110 --> 00:36:30,000 money is considered treasure... 1054 00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:32,340 I technically committed an act of piracy. 1055 00:36:32,540 --> 00:36:33,800 Fuck me. You're a pirate? 1056 00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:36,470 [Gordon and Mike laughing] 1057 00:36:36,670 --> 00:36:38,050 Oh, my God. 1058 00:36:38,250 --> 00:36:40,550 This is so much funnier than saving otters. 1059 00:36:40,750 --> 00:36:43,180 Don't you laugh. And why are you here? 1060 00:36:43,380 --> 00:36:44,930 Just really fucking lucky, I guess. 1061 00:36:45,130 --> 00:36:47,430 The press was in attendance, photographs taken 1062 00:36:47,630 --> 00:36:49,560 and Barbara's already received several calls for comment. 1063 00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:51,270 - And whose fault is that, George? - Hers! 1064 00:36:51,470 --> 00:36:53,570 - No, it's yours. - Mine? 1065 00:36:53,770 --> 00:36:55,780 You went through with this thing after I said no. 1066 00:36:55,980 --> 00:36:58,110 Barbara, you're PR. You should've thought this through. 1067 00:36:58,310 --> 00:36:59,610 I was following George's orders. 1068 00:36:59,810 --> 00:37:01,530 Really? Do we use that excuse anymore? 1069 00:37:01,730 --> 00:37:03,950 - Gordon, we're not... - No, I've been here long enough. 1070 00:37:04,150 --> 00:37:05,200 My car is waiting. 1071 00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:07,830 George? Not a good week for us, old friend. 1072 00:37:08,030 --> 00:37:09,160 You'll fix all this with legal and PR? 1073 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:10,670 Isn't she fired? 1074 00:37:10,870 --> 00:37:13,840 No. But I'd hide my wenches and booty from her. 1075 00:37:14,040 --> 00:37:16,210 - Alan? - We'll get the charges dropped, Gordon. 1076 00:37:16,410 --> 00:37:17,840 Good. And, Barbara, 1077 00:37:18,040 --> 00:37:19,800 let the press run whatever they're gonna run tomorrow. 1078 00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:22,610 Let the world know that I've got a pirate on my staff. 1079 00:37:25,320 --> 00:37:26,350 This isn't over. 1080 00:37:26,550 --> 00:37:27,600 It is. 1081 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:28,980 [grunts] 1082 00:37:29,180 --> 00:37:30,310 [sighs] 1083 00:37:30,510 --> 00:37:33,230 Did you see George's face? 1084 00:37:33,430 --> 00:37:35,230 I wasn't this happy when my kids were born. 1085 00:37:35,430 --> 00:37:36,440 - [elevator bell dings] - You're a sick fuck, Mike. 1086 00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:38,490 Yeah, okay. 1087 00:37:38,690 --> 00:37:41,410 I think I'll go home and have dinner with my wife for once. 1088 00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:43,620 - [Susie] It's 10:30. - It's New York City, Susie. 1089 00:37:43,820 --> 00:37:45,380 Don't be so suburban. 1090 00:37:47,510 --> 00:37:50,290 They told me I could keep the coat. I didn't steal the coat. 1091 00:37:50,490 --> 00:37:53,830 So it's a win-win. Come on, I'll split a cab with you. 1092 00:37:54,030 --> 00:37:55,920 Where's your ship docked, east or west side? 1093 00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:58,690 - Don't make me laugh. - Argh. 1094 00:38:06,490 --> 00:38:09,350 - [phone rings] - Susie Myerson and Associates. Not him. 1095 00:38:09,550 --> 00:38:11,850 - Hang up. - Tell me what he said one more time. 1096 00:38:12,050 --> 00:38:13,900 He said you were great and he said that he loved you. 1097 00:38:14,100 --> 00:38:15,610 - He said that? - Yes, he said that. 1098 00:38:15,810 --> 00:38:17,570 - So, why hasn't he called? - He's going to. 1099 00:38:17,770 --> 00:38:19,860 - [phone rings] - Susie Myerson and Associates. 1100 00:38:20,060 --> 00:38:21,030 - Not him. - Hang up. 1101 00:38:21,230 --> 00:38:23,700 He's gonna call. Trust me. 1102 00:38:23,900 --> 00:38:25,120 I got to go walk around the block. 1103 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:27,330 No, no, don't go, James. I got a good feeling about this. 1104 00:38:27,530 --> 00:38:29,160 Good feeling? That's enough to get me on the subway 1105 00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:30,910 if I find a dime and a nickel. 1106 00:38:31,110 --> 00:38:32,750 - [phone rings] - [Maggie] Susie Myerson and Associates. 1107 00:38:32,950 --> 00:38:34,290 - Is it him? - [Maggie] No. 1108 00:38:34,490 --> 00:38:36,840 Hang up. 1109 00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:38,340 Do you think we should cancel the tour 1110 00:38:38,540 --> 00:38:39,920 - till we find out? - No. 1111 00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:42,340 - Why not? - 'Cause there is no tour. I made that up. 1112 00:38:42,540 --> 00:38:44,010 Oh, my God. 1113 00:38:44,210 --> 00:38:46,260 "Her name was Diana, but I knew her as DiDi." 1114 00:38:46,460 --> 00:38:47,850 Are you doing the scene to yourself again? 1115 00:38:48,050 --> 00:38:50,020 Stop doing the scene. Stop it. 1116 00:38:50,220 --> 00:38:52,270 - [phone rings] - Susie Myerson and Associates. 1117 00:38:52,470 --> 00:38:55,230 Yes, sir. Please hold. David Weston 1118 00:38:55,430 --> 00:38:57,860 - is on line one. - David Weston is on line one. 1119 00:38:58,060 --> 00:39:01,150 David Weston is on line... [exclaims] 1120 00:39:01,350 --> 00:39:02,820 Tell him I'll call him back. 1121 00:39:03,020 --> 00:39:04,910 What?! Susie... 1122 00:39:05,110 --> 00:39:07,340 [chuckles] 1123 00:39:09,220 --> 00:39:10,410 Do it, Ruttles. 1124 00:39:10,610 --> 00:39:12,960 Mr. Weston, she's on another call right now. 1125 00:39:13,150 --> 00:39:14,210 Sounds like she's gonna be a while, 1126 00:39:14,410 --> 00:39:15,830 but she will call you back. 1127 00:39:16,030 --> 00:39:17,040 Yes, sir, I promise. 1128 00:39:17,240 --> 00:39:18,670 - Bye, now. - [phone thuds in cradle] 1129 00:39:18,870 --> 00:39:21,710 [chuckles] 1130 00:39:21,910 --> 00:39:23,670 Susie, can I ask you one question? 1131 00:39:23,870 --> 00:39:25,010 Shoot. 1132 00:39:25,210 --> 00:39:26,470 What are you gonna wear 1133 00:39:26,670 --> 00:39:27,930 when I take you to the Oscars? 1134 00:39:28,130 --> 00:39:30,640 - Oh, I'll be ready for you. - [chuckles] 1135 00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:32,020 Hey, why don't you do that scene for me? 1136 00:39:32,220 --> 00:39:33,310 Really? 1137 00:39:33,510 --> 00:39:35,890 Yeah. Let's see what all the fuss is about. 1138 00:39:36,090 --> 00:39:38,690 "Her name was Diana, 1139 00:39:38,890 --> 00:39:40,150 but I knew her as DiDi. 1140 00:39:40,350 --> 00:39:41,820 She was my babysitter. 1141 00:39:42,020 --> 00:39:43,190 I wanted to marry her, 1142 00:39:43,390 --> 00:39:44,400 she wanted me to do my math homework. 1143 00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:45,780 The only reason I-I became..." 1144 00:39:45,980 --> 00:39:47,070 [man 1] You hear about this Susie Myerson? 1145 00:39:47,270 --> 00:39:48,450 She got her comic cast in Weston's new picture. 1146 00:39:48,650 --> 00:39:49,780 [man 2] He never hires unknowns. 1147 00:39:49,980 --> 00:39:51,290 [man 1] I heard she got a face-to-face with him, 1148 00:39:51,480 --> 00:39:52,540 on his turf. 1149 00:39:52,740 --> 00:39:53,750 [man 3] How'd she get close to him? 1150 00:39:53,950 --> 00:39:54,750 [man 1] She surprised him. 1151 00:39:54,950 --> 00:39:55,870 I heard she took anatomy, 1152 00:39:56,070 --> 00:39:57,580 then posed as his cardiologist. 1153 00:39:57,780 --> 00:39:59,080 I heard she marched right into his daughter's wedding. 1154 00:39:59,280 --> 00:40:00,670 Popped up in the back seat of his car. 1155 00:40:00,870 --> 00:40:02,340 Jumped out of the cake at his birthday party. 1156 00:40:02,540 --> 00:40:04,090 In the confessional booth at St. Patrick's. 1157 00:40:04,290 --> 00:40:05,380 Side by side at the Four Seasons. 1158 00:40:05,580 --> 00:40:07,050 Got to his housekeeper and told her he was her cousin. 1159 00:40:07,250 --> 00:40:08,680 Booked an adjoining room at the Beverly Hilton, 1160 00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:10,010 marched right through the shared door. 1161 00:40:10,210 --> 00:40:12,390 Took LSD with him and Timothy Leary. 1162 00:40:12,590 --> 00:40:13,770 [man 10] Swam up to him in Palm Springs. 1163 00:40:13,970 --> 00:40:16,600 [overlapping chatter] 1164 00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:17,980 [man] Holy shit. 1165 00:40:18,180 --> 00:40:20,810 And will you be needing a shirt as well, madame? 1166 00:40:21,010 --> 00:40:22,830 Give me the whole shebang, Jeeves. 1167 00:40:37,390 --> 00:40:38,920 Mrs. Maisel. Please. 1168 00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:40,380 - Oh, me? - Mm-hmm. 1169 00:40:40,580 --> 00:40:42,880 - You sure? - You say everything I think. 1170 00:40:43,080 --> 00:40:45,170 A terrifying connection. 1171 00:40:45,370 --> 00:40:46,670 - Thank you. - Mm-hmm. 1172 00:40:46,870 --> 00:40:48,930 Pardon me, miss, but could I get your autograph as well? 1173 00:40:49,130 --> 00:40:51,180 Well, as I live and breathe. 1174 00:40:51,380 --> 00:40:53,010 I didn't know you came downtown. 1175 00:40:53,210 --> 00:40:54,930 I try not to, but they sell the best smack 1176 00:40:55,130 --> 00:40:56,480 on that corner right over there. 1177 00:40:56,670 --> 00:40:58,060 - Ah. - Great set, by the way. 1178 00:40:58,260 --> 00:40:59,560 You saw my set? 1179 00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:00,810 I did. Bought a ticket and everything. 1180 00:41:01,010 --> 00:41:02,020 They made you buy a ticket? 1181 00:41:02,220 --> 00:41:03,690 Ah, I haven't paid for a ticket in ten years, 1182 00:41:03,890 --> 00:41:05,610 but I would have, which I think counts for something. 1183 00:41:05,810 --> 00:41:08,070 Oh, well, still, thanks. 1184 00:41:08,270 --> 00:41:10,260 So, you hungry? Can I buy you dinner? 1185 00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:13,910 Sure. Why not. 1186 00:41:14,110 --> 00:41:15,840 There's a great place just up the block. 1187 00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:20,210 I have never seen you out of a suit. 1188 00:41:20,410 --> 00:41:22,630 And I was expecting you to be in full pirate regalia. 1189 00:41:22,830 --> 00:41:24,600 It's my parrot's night off. 1190 00:41:28,520 --> 00:41:31,050 This isn't quite where I imagined taking you. 1191 00:41:31,250 --> 00:41:32,800 No? Too snobby? 1192 00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:35,260 Too sticky. Can they at least turn off 1193 00:41:35,460 --> 00:41:36,640 a couple of the fluorescent lights? 1194 00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:38,870 Don't worry, one'll burn out in a second. 1195 00:41:40,990 --> 00:41:42,810 Lill, a chocolate donut and a coffee 1196 00:41:43,010 --> 00:41:45,110 - will save my life. - Coming up. 1197 00:41:45,310 --> 00:41:47,440 Hey, Officer Peluso. 1198 00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:49,700 Hey, Midge Maisel. I'll be damned. 1199 00:41:49,890 --> 00:41:52,320 Nice to see you. Gordon, this is Officer Peluso. 1200 00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:53,870 He's arrested me a couple times. 1201 00:41:54,070 --> 00:41:55,370 - Really? - Mm. 1202 00:41:55,570 --> 00:41:57,870 - Well, it's nice to meet you. - Hey, you're the TV guy. 1203 00:41:58,070 --> 00:42:00,710 - That's me. - I almost didn't recognize you without your suit. 1204 00:42:00,910 --> 00:42:03,170 - So, how are you doing? - I'm a pirate. 1205 00:42:03,370 --> 00:42:04,630 Terrific. 1206 00:42:04,830 --> 00:42:06,800 - Ah, thanks, honey. - [chuckles] 1207 00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:10,130 Nice meeting you out of uniform. And you, be good. 1208 00:42:10,330 --> 00:42:12,130 - You know I won't. - [chuckles] 1209 00:42:12,330 --> 00:42:14,470 How many times have you been arrested? 1210 00:42:14,670 --> 00:42:16,390 A lady never tells. 1211 00:42:16,590 --> 00:42:19,270 So, let's get down to brass tacks here. 1212 00:42:19,470 --> 00:42:20,680 - You want? - Sure. 1213 00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:23,650 Our second date should be someplace nicer than this. 1214 00:42:23,850 --> 00:42:26,400 - This is not a date. - Oh, you're telling me. There's a guy actively dying 1215 00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:28,280 in the corner over there. 1216 00:42:28,470 --> 00:42:30,110 Okay then, a better first date. 1217 00:42:30,310 --> 00:42:31,530 I'm not going on a date with you. 1218 00:42:31,730 --> 00:42:33,780 Fine. We'll just start sleeping together. Personally, 1219 00:42:33,980 --> 00:42:35,740 I'll miss the romance, but, you know, I'll take what I can get. 1220 00:42:35,940 --> 00:42:37,780 - Gordon. Gordon. - Just once then. 1221 00:42:37,980 --> 00:42:40,370 We'll do it up nice. Penthouse at the Carlyle, 1222 00:42:40,570 --> 00:42:43,330 champagne, robes and slippers for after, or during, 1223 00:42:43,530 --> 00:42:45,130 whatever the lady wishes. 1224 00:42:45,330 --> 00:42:48,130 A kiss? One... 1225 00:42:48,330 --> 00:42:49,920 really terrific kiss? 1226 00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:52,340 Come on, you got to at least let me redeem myself on that front. 1227 00:42:52,540 --> 00:42:53,840 I'm a much better kisser off the ice. 1228 00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:56,220 I'm sure you are, but... 1229 00:42:56,420 --> 00:42:58,350 - But... - [sighs] 1230 00:42:58,550 --> 00:43:00,520 Gordon, if we started a thing... 1231 00:43:00,720 --> 00:43:02,560 Whoa. No one mentioned "a thing." 1232 00:43:02,760 --> 00:43:04,100 Let me tell you what would happen. 1233 00:43:04,300 --> 00:43:06,150 - Someone would find out... - No one would find out. 1234 00:43:06,350 --> 00:43:07,560 Someone would find out. 1235 00:43:07,760 --> 00:43:09,110 Go on. 1236 00:43:09,310 --> 00:43:10,730 Then everyone would find out. 1237 00:43:10,930 --> 00:43:12,490 And nothing would change for you, 1238 00:43:12,690 --> 00:43:14,110 but everything would change for me. 1239 00:43:14,310 --> 00:43:15,160 No, it wouldn't. I wouldn't let it. 1240 00:43:15,360 --> 00:43:16,370 There'd be snickers 1241 00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:17,910 and sideways glances 1242 00:43:18,110 --> 00:43:19,990 and whispers when I'm in the ladies' room. 1243 00:43:20,190 --> 00:43:21,790 You can use my bathroom. It's a much better bathroom. 1244 00:43:21,990 --> 00:43:23,210 I've got hand towels with my name on them. 1245 00:43:23,400 --> 00:43:25,870 And then, suddenly, I'm just "Gordon's girl." 1246 00:43:26,070 --> 00:43:28,500 Not the girl who scored all those great jokes on your show, 1247 00:43:28,700 --> 00:43:31,630 not the only woman writer on the number-one show in the country, 1248 00:43:31,830 --> 00:43:33,770 just "Gordon's girl." 1249 00:43:34,860 --> 00:43:37,220 It's got a nice ring to it, though, the alliteration. 1250 00:43:37,420 --> 00:43:38,970 All the work I did to prove myself, 1251 00:43:39,170 --> 00:43:40,510 gone in a single stroke. 1252 00:43:40,710 --> 00:43:42,520 Now, I must interject here. 1253 00:43:42,720 --> 00:43:44,940 It absolutely will not be a single stroke. 1254 00:43:45,130 --> 00:43:46,440 I go to the gym for exactly that reason. 1255 00:43:46,640 --> 00:43:48,650 But if I'm being honest, the reason that, 1256 00:43:48,850 --> 00:43:50,440 in spite of your wit and charm... 1257 00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:52,150 And face, don't forget the face. 1258 00:43:52,350 --> 00:43:53,940 The reason I cannot sleep with you is 1259 00:43:54,140 --> 00:43:56,280 if I'm sleeping with you and I get on the show... 1260 00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:58,450 - You're not getting on the show. - Let me finish. 1261 00:43:58,650 --> 00:44:00,580 If I'm sleeping with you and I get on the show... 1262 00:44:00,780 --> 00:44:01,660 You're never getting on the show. 1263 00:44:01,860 --> 00:44:03,250 See, you keep harping on the wrong thing here. 1264 00:44:03,440 --> 00:44:04,890 Zip it. 1265 00:44:05,970 --> 00:44:09,080 If I'm sleeping with you, when I get on the show... 1266 00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:12,130 I'll never really know if I got on because I deserved it 1267 00:44:12,330 --> 00:44:14,900 or if I got on because I'm sleeping with you. 1268 00:44:15,980 --> 00:44:18,470 I've got a great house in Nantucket. 1269 00:44:18,670 --> 00:44:20,970 I've got bicycles. One of them has a basket. 1270 00:44:21,170 --> 00:44:22,220 You look like a basket girl to me. 1271 00:44:22,420 --> 00:44:24,430 [Ella Fitzgerald: "I'm Beginning to See the Light"] 1272 00:44:24,630 --> 00:44:27,040 Had to give it one last shot. 1273 00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:30,770 Can we at least have a dance? 1274 00:44:30,970 --> 00:44:33,480 ♪ But now that the stars are in your eyes ♪ 1275 00:44:33,680 --> 00:44:36,280 ♪ I'm beginning to see the light... 1276 00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:37,700 Come on. 1277 00:44:37,900 --> 00:44:40,870 ♪ I never went in for afterglow ♪ 1278 00:44:41,070 --> 00:44:43,410 ♪ Or candlelight on the mistletoe... 1279 00:44:43,610 --> 00:44:45,000 [chuckles] 1280 00:44:45,190 --> 00:44:47,660 ♪ But now when you turn the lamp down low ♪ 1281 00:44:47,860 --> 00:44:51,880 ♪ I'm beginning to see the light ♪ 1282 00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:55,420 ♪ Used to ramble through the park ♪ 1283 00:44:55,620 --> 00:44:59,090 ♪ Shadowboxing in the dark ♪ 1284 00:44:59,290 --> 00:45:01,970 ♪ Then you came and caused a spark ♪ 1285 00:45:02,170 --> 00:45:06,060 ♪ That's a four-alarm fire now ♪ 1286 00:45:06,260 --> 00:45:09,600 {\an8}♪ I never made love by lantern-shine ♪ 1287 00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:13,020 {\an8}♪ I never saw rainbows in my wine ♪ 1288 00:45:13,220 --> 00:45:16,610 {\an8}♪ But now that your lips are burning mine ♪ 1289 00:45:16,810 --> 00:45:20,530 {\an8}♪ I'm beginning to see the light ♪ 1290 00:45:20,730 --> 00:45:23,870 {\an8}♪ Now that your lips are burning mine ♪ 1291 00:45:24,070 --> 00:45:27,200 {\an8}♪ I'm beginning ♪ 1292 00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:32,480 {\an8}♪ To see the light ♪♪ 1293 00:45:34,190 --> 00:45:35,380 {\an8}[Tim Curry: "A Professional Pirate"] 1294 00:45:35,580 --> 00:45:37,760 {\an8}♪ When I was just a lad ♪ 1295 00:45:37,960 --> 00:45:40,300 {\an8}♪ Looking for my true vocation ♪ 1296 00:45:40,500 --> 00:45:42,470 {\an8}♪ My father said, "Now, son ♪ 1297 00:45:42,670 --> 00:45:45,310 {\an8}♪ This choice deserves deliberation ♪ 1298 00:45:45,510 --> 00:45:47,430 {\an8}♪ Though you could be a doctor ♪ 1299 00:45:47,630 --> 00:45:50,020 {\an8}♪ Or perhaps a financier ♪ 1300 00:45:50,220 --> 00:45:53,770 {\an8}♪ My boy, why not consider a more challenging career?" ♪ 1301 00:45:53,970 --> 00:45:55,940 {\an8}♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪ 1302 00:45:56,140 --> 00:45:57,860 {\an8}- ♪ You'll cruise to foreign shores ♪ - ♪ [laughs] ♪ 1303 00:45:58,060 --> 00:46:00,110 {\an8}- ♪ Sing it, lads ♪ - ♪ And you'll keep your mind ♪ 1304 00:46:00,310 --> 00:46:01,610 {\an8}- ♪ And body sound ♪ - ♪ Show 'em you've been practicing ♪ 1305 00:46:01,810 --> 00:46:02,950 {\an8}♪ By working out of doors ♪ 1306 00:46:03,150 --> 00:46:04,660 {\an8}♪ True friendship and adventure ♪ 1307 00:46:04,860 --> 00:46:06,740 {\an8}♪ Are what we can't live without ♪ 1308 00:46:06,940 --> 00:46:10,660 {\an8}♪ And when you're a professional pirate ♪ 1309 00:46:10,860 --> 00:46:12,500 {\an8}♪ That's what the job's about ♪ 1310 00:46:12,700 --> 00:46:14,540 {\an8}♪ Upstage, lads ♪ 1311 00:46:14,740 --> 00:46:17,130 {\an8}♪ This is my only number ♪ 1312 00:46:17,330 --> 00:46:19,340 {\an8}♪ Now, take Sir Francis Drake ♪ 1313 00:46:19,540 --> 00:46:21,840 {\an8}♪ The Spanish all despise him ♪ 1314 00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:23,590 {\an8}♪ But to the British ♪ 1315 00:46:23,790 --> 00:46:27,060 {\an8}♪ He's a hero, and they idolize him ♪ 1316 00:46:27,260 --> 00:46:29,520 {\an8}♪ It's how you look at buccaneers ♪ 1317 00:46:29,720 --> 00:46:31,770 {\an8}♪ That makes them bad or good ♪ 1318 00:46:31,970 --> 00:46:36,060 {\an8}♪ And I see us as members of a noble brotherhood ♪ 1319 00:46:36,260 --> 00:46:38,650 {\an8}- ♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪ - ♪ Oh, I love it ♪ 1320 00:46:38,850 --> 00:46:40,360 {\an8}- ♪ We're honorable men ♪ - ♪ 'Tis poetry in motion ♪ 1321 00:46:40,560 --> 00:46:42,570 {\an8}♪ And before we lose our tempers we will ♪ 1322 00:46:42,770 --> 00:46:44,360 {\an8}♪ Always count to ten ♪ 1323 00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:46,450 {\an8}♪ On occasion, there may be someone ♪ 1324 00:46:46,650 --> 00:46:48,370 {\an8}♪ You have to execute ♪ 1325 00:46:48,570 --> 00:46:52,080 {\an8}♪ But when you're a professional pirate ♪ 1326 00:46:52,280 --> 00:46:54,540 {\an8}♪ You don't have to wear a suit ♪ 1327 00:46:54,740 --> 00:46:56,460 {\an8}♪ Hey, ho, ho ♪ 1328 00:46:56,660 --> 00:46:58,840 {\an8}♪ It's one for all for one ♪ 1329 00:46:59,040 --> 00:47:00,960 {\an8}♪ And we'll share and share alike with you ♪ 1330 00:47:01,160 --> 00:47:03,050 {\an8}♪ And love you like a son ♪ 1331 00:47:03,250 --> 00:47:05,140 {\an8}♪ We're gentlemen of fortune ♪ 1332 00:47:05,330 --> 00:47:06,140 {\an8}♪ And that's what we're bound to be ♪ 1333 00:47:06,340 --> 00:47:10,810 {\an8}♪ And when you're a professional pirate ♪ 1334 00:47:11,010 --> 00:47:12,980 {\an8}♪ You'll be honest, brave, and free ♪ 1335 00:47:13,180 --> 00:47:15,020 {\an8}♪ The soul of decency ♪ 1336 00:47:15,220 --> 00:47:17,150 {\an8}♪ You'll be loyal and fair and on the square ♪ 1337 00:47:17,350 --> 00:47:19,320 {\an8}♪ And most importantly ♪ 1338 00:47:19,520 --> 00:47:22,780 {\an8}♪ When you're a professional pirate ♪ 1339 00:47:22,980 --> 00:47:24,990 {\an8}♪ You're always in the ♪ 1340 00:47:25,190 --> 00:47:29,300 {\an8}♪ Best of company! ♪