1
00:00:06,966 --> 00:00:08,092
<i>[audience laughing]</i>

2
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:09,277
<i>[Midge] I just broke up
with someone.</i>

3
00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:10,845
<i>[man] Paul Simon!</i>

4
00:00:10,886 --> 00:00:12,197
<i>[Midge] That was two tiny
singer-songwriters ago.</i>

5
00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:13,389
<i>- Catch up!
- [laughter]</i>

6
00:00:13,431 --> 00:00:15,057
- [man 1] Prince!
- [man 2] Hall & Oates!

7
00:00:15,099 --> 00:00:17,393
Oh. Now, stop.
This was a woman.

8
00:00:17,435 --> 00:00:20,354
- [woman whoops] - Don't.
- [laughter]

9
00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:22,857
And it was a real partnership.

10
00:00:22,898 --> 00:00:25,317
Lasted longer than
any of my marriages combined.

11
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,320
- [laughter]
- And in its way, it was just like a marriage.

12
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,406
It started with a contract,
it ended with a lawsuit,

13
00:00:30,448 --> 00:00:32,283
- and we never had sex.
- [laughter]

14
00:00:32,324 --> 00:00:35,786
Except once, there really isn't
much to do in Pensacola.

15
00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:38,247
It really sucks
to break up with me.

16
00:00:38,289 --> 00:00:41,459
No, seriously,
my face is on billboards.

17
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,169
You break up
with a normal person,

18
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,063
maybe you can't go back
to your favorite restaurant.

19
00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:47,089
You break up with me,
you can't use the highway.

20
00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:49,633
[laughter]

21
00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:51,761
She was a friend.

22
00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:57,183
We always fought
over that word, "friend."

23
00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:59,477
But I dumped her
and got a fifth dog.

24
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:02,438
Still a bitch, but at least
this one'll fetch my shoes.

25
00:01:02,480 --> 00:01:04,440
<i>[laughter, applause]</i>

26
00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,442
[♪ Elton John: "Susie (Dramas)"]

27
00:01:06,484 --> 00:01:07,860
<i>♪ I got frostbitten
in the winter ♪</i>

28
00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:09,653
<i>♪ Ice skating on the river ♪</i>

29
00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:11,906
She's not gonna be happy.

30
00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:14,450
<i>♪ With my pretty
little black-eyed girl ♪</i>

31
00:01:14,492 --> 00:01:18,204
<i>♪ She'd make your darn toes curl
just to see her, yeah ♪</i>

32
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:21,457
<i>♪ I got a fringe front
on my buggy ♪</i>

33
00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,101
- [indistinct chatter]
<i>- ♪ I got a pretty little...</i>

34
00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:24,352
Betty Botter bought some butter,

35
00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,520
but she said
the butter's bitter.

36
00:01:25,544 --> 00:01:26,980
Betty Botter bought some butter,
but she said

37
00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:28,756
the butter's bitter.
Sounds <i>bueno,</i> boys.

38
00:01:28,798 --> 00:01:29,924
[conversing in Spanish]

39
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:31,634
Steve Martin is my favorite.

40
00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:32,885
"Excuuuuse me!"

41
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,763
George Carlin, with the seven
dirty words? Really funny.

42
00:01:35,805 --> 00:01:38,516
Robin Williams, too.
Like the Tasmanian Devil.

43
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:40,935
Who the hell is this?

44
00:01:41,060 --> 00:01:42,019
No idea.

45
00:01:42,061 --> 00:01:44,647
<i>♪ Living with her funky family ♪</i>

46
00:01:44,688 --> 00:01:47,983
<i>♪ In a derelict old alley ♪</i>

47
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,152
<i>♪ Down by the river...</i>

48
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,946
Put 'em up.

49
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:53,823
<i>♪ In the moonshine ♪</i>

50
00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,449
Fifty bucks she doesn't show.

51
00:01:55,491 --> 00:01:58,035
She doesn't show, fuck it.
I'm mentioning Maisel.

52
00:01:58,077 --> 00:01:59,370
So fearless, dude.

53
00:01:59,411 --> 00:02:02,498
<i>♪ Well, she knows
how to use me ♪</i>

54
00:02:02,540 --> 00:02:04,625
<i>♪ Pretty little
black-eyed Susie...</i>

55
00:02:04,667 --> 00:02:06,210
[indistinct chatter]

56
00:02:06,252 --> 00:02:08,671
It's a veritable who's who
of people behind the scenes

57
00:02:08,712 --> 00:02:10,798
in the entertainment industry
gathering here

58
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,466
to roast one of their own.

59
00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:15,177
<i>♪ Living with her funky family ♪</i>

60
00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:18,514
<i>♪ In a derelict old alley ♪</i>

61
00:02:18,556 --> 00:02:20,474
<i>- ♪ Down by the river...</i>
- [whispers inaudibly]

62
00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:22,268
Move!

63
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:25,020
<i>♪ In the moonshine ♪</i>

64
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:32,027
<i>- ♪ Well, she sure knows how to use me ♪</i>
- [reporters clamoring]

65
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,238
<i>♪ Pretty little
black-eyed Susie ♪</i>

66
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:35,632
It's the one shot
we came here to get.

67
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:36,866
Great job, guys.

68
00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:39,618
[indistinct chatter]

69
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,954
[cheering, whooping]

70
00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:44,999
[lively chatter]

71
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:48,669
<i>♪ In a derelict old alley ♪</i>

72
00:02:48,711 --> 00:02:50,421
<i>♪ Down by the river ♪</i>

73
00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,172
<i>♪ Where we share
a little loving ♪</i>

74
00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:53,966
<i>♪ In the moonshine ♪ ♪</i>

75
00:02:54,008 --> 00:02:55,861
[Stewart] So, we have
some unfortunate news, everyone.

76
00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:58,929
- Susie has arrived.
- [cheering, whooping]

77
00:03:00,264 --> 00:03:03,142
- Hello, Susie.
- This is fucking dumb.

78
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,978
- [laughter]
- Good to see you, too.

79
00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:08,105
Now, you all know me
and wish you were me.

80
00:03:08,147 --> 00:03:09,356
I'm Stewart Jones,

81
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,400
your unwilling emcee
for this evening.

82
00:03:11,442 --> 00:03:14,778
So, when we first approached
Susie Myerson about a roast,

83
00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:17,114
she instructed us to position
our heads in a place

84
00:03:17,156 --> 00:03:19,658
that seemed ill-advised,
claustrophobic,

85
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,951
and biologically impossible.

86
00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:23,037
- [laughter]
- Try harder. I believe in you.

87
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:24,622
Then we offered to make it

88
00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:26,415
a testimonial dinner,
and she replied,

89
00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:29,043
"No, thanks, those are for old
hags with shriveled pussies."

90
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:31,253
- Enjoy the veal.
- [laughter]

91
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:32,379
So, we negotiated with her,

92
00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:33,881
and if you've never
done that before,

93
00:03:33,923 --> 00:03:36,008
I highly don't recommend it.

94
00:03:36,050 --> 00:03:39,470
And she agreed to
a "Testi-Roastial."

95
00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,096
Trips off the tongue, huh?

96
00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:43,098
So, here she is, an hour late

97
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:45,184
and smelling
like Cheech and Chong.

98
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:48,646
Hell, she's burned more grass
than the Santa Ana winds.

99
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,731
If only she'd made
as much money for her clients

100
00:03:50,773 --> 00:03:52,566
as she has
for Visine and Doritos.

101
00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:54,252
- Her big break came...
- Bring me some food.

102
00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:55,986
...when she discovered
the comedian

103
00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:58,614
whose name
we shall not utter tonight

104
00:03:58,656 --> 00:04:03,202
- at the long-defunct Gaslight Café on MacDougal.
- [scattered groaning]

105
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,804
[conversing in Spanish]
I need a plate, guys.

106
00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:06,872
Heavy on the meat,
light on the vegetables.

107
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:08,540
Dinner service is over.

108
00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,834
I need a plate. Now.

109
00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,837
Who's the asshole who wants
dinner after dinner?

110
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:15,464
Any of you negotiating
with Susie

111
00:04:15,506 --> 00:04:17,216
on the other side
of a telephone,

112
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,801
or... God forbid... in person,

113
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:20,562
knows she's one of
the consummate dealmakers

114
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:21,845
in the business.

115
00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:25,057
And most of you know about
that day in 1970.

116
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:26,767
- [cheering]
- Greatest goddamn day ever.

117
00:04:26,809 --> 00:04:29,520
The day of the legendary
triple crown.

118
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:31,689
[♪ Three Dog Night:
"Mama Told Me (Not to Come)"]

119
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,273
<i>Susie had a movie script.</i>

120
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:35,943
<i>It was controversial and no one
in town wanted to touch it.</i>

121
00:04:35,985 --> 00:04:37,945
So, Sol, this film,

122
00:04:37,987 --> 00:04:40,364
it's gonna be shot
on locations all over the city...

123
00:04:40,406 --> 00:04:42,324
Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn.

124
00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:43,784
Friedkin's got
a real vision for it.

125
00:04:43,826 --> 00:04:44,868
I hear he's a hothead.

126
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,221
Yeah, well,
maybe you need a hothead

127
00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:47,806
for something like
<i>The French Connection.</i>

128
00:04:47,830 --> 00:04:49,832
- Tee off, Tommy.
- Paul Newman passed.

129
00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:51,583
Steve McQueen passed.
James Caan passed.

130
00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,127
We got Gene Hackman.

131
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,878
You're gonna argue
with Gene Hackman?

132
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:56,588
He's fucking brilliant.
It's a slam dunk.

133
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,400
- Sol, come on.
- This is not going to happen.

134
00:04:58,424 --> 00:04:59,717
Okay? Now, stop.

135
00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:01,301
Just tee off, Tommy.

136
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,154
<i>[Stewart] Most would give up
to fight another day,</i>

137
00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:04,555
<i>but not Susie.</i>

138
00:05:04,596 --> 00:05:07,266
<i>No fucking way
is she leaving empty-handed.</i>

139
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,934
<i>After all,
she paid for parking.</i>

140
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:10,936
No. No way.
I like the Dodgers.

141
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,578
I got 'em
for the pennant and the series.

142
00:05:12,604 --> 00:05:14,148
Hey, Sol, what do you think?

143
00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:15,441
<i>[Stewart] To this day,</i>

144
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:16,626
<i>no one knows
what she said to him.</i>

145
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:17,860
What the hell?

146
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:20,070
<i>Whether it was just her passion
for the screenplay,</i>

147
00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:21,905
<i>or a promise
to control the budget,</i>

148
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:23,383
<i>or, hell, she could've had
pictures of him</i>

149
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,783
<i>rogering a donkey or something.</i>

150
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,327
<i>Who knows?
She had eyes everywhere.</i>

151
00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:29,329
<i>- Whatever she said...</i>
- The picture's a go.

152
00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:30,974
- [Tommy] What?
- Close the deal by the end of day.

153
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,374
Susie will give you the terms.

154
00:05:32,416 --> 00:05:33,834
- Whatever you need.
- But, Sol...

155
00:05:33,876 --> 00:05:34,960
Just make it happen.

156
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,212
<i>...Boom, deal one, done.</i>

157
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,548
<i>But she ain't finished.</i>

158
00:05:39,590 --> 00:05:42,676
<i>♪ That ain't the way
to have fun, son...</i>

159
00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:44,612
<i>Now, the foursome
in front of them is going slow,</i>

160
00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:46,221
<i>so Susie and her guys
bump into 'em.</i>

161
00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,932
<i>One of them is the guy who just
took over programming for CBS.</i>

162
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:52,352
Cameron! Hey there.
Congrats on the shiny new job.

163
00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,729
Thank you, Susie.

164
00:05:53,771 --> 00:05:56,398
<i>Like a showbiz cobra,
she strikes immediately.</i>

165
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,817
<i>Says she has a project,
wants him to have first crack.</i>

166
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:01,153
It's a half-hour comedy,
it's hysterical,

167
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,630
and it'll launch
your Thursday nights.

168
00:06:02,654 --> 00:06:04,281
Susie, please,
we're trying to relax.

169
00:06:04,323 --> 00:06:05,866
Call my office on Monday.

170
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,385
<i>[Stewart] She's not waiting
for Monday.</i>

171
00:06:07,409 --> 00:06:09,328
I got two clients
already attached.

172
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,706
Liz Montgomery and Andy Griffith
both signed to do it,

173
00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:15,125
- and to do it at CBS.
- Great pairing. What's the premise?

174
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,627
- Get this.
<i>- [Stewart] Get this,</i>

175
00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:17,961
<i>there was no premise.</i>

176
00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:19,421
<i>She was making it up
on the spot.</i>

177
00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:21,465
There's a husband and wife,
both shrinks.

178
00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:24,635
Now, she's big city, sharp,
Ivy League degree.

179
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:27,012
He's folksy, homespun,
comes from the Deep South.

180
00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:30,641
- Their patients keep dumping one to go to the other.
- [chuckles] I love that.

181
00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:32,392
<i>[Stewart] So, what does she do
on the fly?</i>

182
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:34,144
<i>She creates</i> That's Our Time.

183
00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:35,521
<i>He picks it up on the spot,</i>

184
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,981
<i>and the fucking thing
runs seven years.</i>

185
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,751
- They got a couple of kids...
<i>- And here's the thing.</i>

186
00:06:39,775 --> 00:06:42,319
<i>Those stars she mentioned,
they weren't even her clients.</i>

187
00:06:42,361 --> 00:06:44,655
<i>Not until they found out
about the sitcom she created</i>

188
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,782
<i>and got greenlit
for them to star in.</i>

189
00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:48,283
<i>They signed with her
immediately.</i>

190
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:49,594
- ...vacuuming their house, too.
- [laughs]

191
00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:51,203
- Vacuuming? I love it.
- Yeah.

192
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:53,831
Boom! Deal two, done.

193
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:56,291
But she still had 40 minutes
left on that parking.

194
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:58,710
<i>Susie says
she has to hit the head.</i>

195
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,189
- What else? What else?
- Uh, there's this guy from a big record label.

196
00:07:01,213 --> 00:07:03,799
<i>Turns out she's got every caddy
at the club on her payroll,</i>

197
00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:05,884
<i>and they fill her in
on what they know</i>

198
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,219
<i>from every hole on the course.</i>

199
00:07:07,261 --> 00:07:08,887
Okay. Good job, guys.

200
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,865
<i>She finds out there's a guy
there from A&M records.</i>

201
00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:12,933
<i>She finds him pronto.</i>

202
00:07:12,975 --> 00:07:14,744
<i>She tells the guy
there's a couple of songwriters</i>

203
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,562
<i>out of London,
they wrote this musical,</i>

204
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,456
<i>and they want to make an album
to get some attention.</i>

205
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:19,982
It's the whole story,
soup to nuts,

206
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:21,376
all the way
through the crucifixion.

207
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,777
- The 39 lashes and everything.
- Wild.

208
00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:26,113
Yeah,
the songs are fucking catchy.

209
00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:29,241
- You hear those demos, you'll want to make the album.
- What's their names?

210
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:30,701
<i>And just like that,</i>

211
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:32,911
<i>she breaks Tim Rice
and Andrew Lloyd Webber.</i>

212
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,413
<i>And what does the world get?</i>

213
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,456
[♪ Orchestra: "Overture
(Jesus Christ Superstar)"]

214
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:39,293
<i>Boom! The triple crown.</i>

215
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:41,837
- You want some blow?
- No, I'm good.

216
00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:45,215
This next guest needs
no introduction,

217
00:07:45,257 --> 00:07:48,260
which is good, because
I forgot his fucking name.

218
00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:50,053
- [laughter]
- Oh, yeah, Aaron Lebowitz.

219
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:51,972
Come on up here, Aaron.

220
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,268
[scattered shouting]

221
00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:57,561
Hello, everybody.

222
00:07:57,603 --> 00:07:59,646
As most of you know,
I'm a manager,

223
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:01,106
and I've been competing
with Susie

224
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:02,774
for more years than I can count.

225
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:04,067
And I have to admit,

226
00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:06,069
there's nobody in this business
like Susie.

227
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,071
Oh, sorry, I misread that.

228
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:10,616
It's "nobody in this business
likes Susie."

229
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,076
- [laughter]
- I mean, really, what is there to say

230
00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:15,871
about Susie Myerson that
hasn't been said about Pol Pot?

231
00:08:15,913 --> 00:08:18,373
- [laughter]
- Susie's like anybody else, really.

232
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:21,418
She has her bad side
and her good side.

233
00:08:21,460 --> 00:08:23,378
There's the ruthlessness,
the vindictiveness,

234
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,756
the profane bile
that spews from her mouth

235
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,132
like Satan's lava.

236
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:30,219
- Then, on the bad side...
- [laughter]

237
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,803
She was mentored
by my one-time boss,

238
00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:33,847
the late, great Harry Drake.

239
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:35,307
[audience groaning]

240
00:08:35,349 --> 00:08:37,768
Yeah, that's about
the response I expected.

241
00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:39,937
When Harry died, he had
so many knives in his back,

242
00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:42,314
they had to bury him facedown.

243
00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:46,485
But Harry truly respected Susie,
even before she was somebody.

244
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,320
While they had
their ups and downs,

245
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,906
Susie stayed loyal
when others didn't.

246
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:53,909
Everybody knows
the old man's losing it.

247
00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:55,827
Clients are dropping him
left and right.

248
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,621
Spencer Tracy's the latest.

249
00:08:57,663 --> 00:08:59,557
Not that anyone gives a shit
about Spencer Tracy.

250
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:00,874
You want another drink?

251
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:02,668
- You're paying.
- Two more.

252
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,461
I wanted in
on <i>Dr. Strangelove.</i>

253
00:09:04,503 --> 00:09:07,464
Harry tells me they're giving it
to George C. Scott.

254
00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:09,424
George is good,
but fuck it, I'm better.

255
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,106
- Yup.
- What does Harry do for me, anyway?

256
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:12,678
Except take his cut.

257
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:16,640
I want you to represent me.

258
00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:18,350
No more losing parts to George

259
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:20,936
or Tony Perkins
or fucking Richard Burton.

260
00:09:20,978 --> 00:09:22,854
In two years' time,
here's what I want.

261
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,691
A penthouse with a terrace
overlooking the park.

262
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,110
A closet full of
Sy Devore suits.

263
00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:29,987
Porsche 911 that I can drive

264
00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:32,072
to my beachfront house
in the Hamptons.

265
00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:33,615
You with me?

266
00:09:33,657 --> 00:09:35,457
Hey, what was that
last film of yours, Taylor?

267
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:36,702
<i>Daylight Fades?</i>

268
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,245
Yeah. It did okay.

269
00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:39,913
No, it didn't.
And the one before that?

270
00:09:39,955 --> 00:09:42,499
<i>- The Earth Turns.</i>
- So did my stomach when I saw it.

271
00:09:42,541 --> 00:09:45,836
- Hey!
- What did Harry Drake do for you, Taylor?

272
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:47,713
He took a no-talent,
run-of-the-mill

273
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:50,799
D-list hack actor who was
number nine on the call sheet

274
00:09:50,841 --> 00:09:52,467
of a fucking soap opera,

275
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:53,802
got him jobs he didn't earn,

276
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,305
didn't deserve
and couldn't fucking pull off.

277
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:58,223
- Hey, what the fuck?
- You sit there,

278
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:00,600
not giving a shit
about Spencer Tracy.

279
00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,996
You compare yourself to actors
that are way out of your league,

280
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,314
and you think I'd stoop so low
as to work with you

281
00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:07,274
and fuck over Harry Drake
to boot?

282
00:10:07,316 --> 00:10:09,818
Well, I hope you got something
to fall back on, asshole,

283
00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:11,963
'cause the only house
in the Hamptons you're gonna see

284
00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:13,298
is the one with
the pool you're cleaning,

285
00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:14,906
and the only terrace
you're gonna know

286
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,783
is the one you jump off of.

287
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,164
You pay for the drinks,
you talentless shit.

288
00:10:22,205 --> 00:10:24,624
<i>[Aaron] Yeah,
she had Harry's back.</i>

289
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,127
- [Susie] Dumb fuck.
- [scoffs]

290
00:10:27,169 --> 00:10:29,046
And at the end,
Harry wound up handing

291
00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,756
his biggest money earners
over to her,

292
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,132
the ones who stayed,

293
00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:35,093
bypassing his own associates
in the doing.

294
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,137
I was one of those associates.

295
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:39,181
I liked this story
till you made it about you.

296
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,867
- [laughter]
<i>- [Carmine] Wait a minute, wait a minute.</i>

297
00:10:40,891 --> 00:10:42,392
<i>How the hell did that happen?</i>

298
00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:44,704
Seriously, how the hell did
Susie end up with those clients?

299
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,104
Kicked her into
the stratosphere.

300
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,272
It cemented her legend.

301
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,357
I know what happened.

302
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:49,858
I'll tell you what happened.

303
00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,526
<i>The minute
Harry was hospitalized,</i>

304
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:53,403
<i>Susie weaseled her way
into his room.</i>

305
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,197
<i>Brought forged documents over</i>

306
00:10:55,238 --> 00:10:56,698
<i>and forced the old man
to sign 'em.</i>

307
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:58,700
Wakey, wakey, Harry.
You got three more to sign,

308
00:10:58,742 --> 00:11:00,327
then you can shuffle off
to Buffalo.

309
00:11:00,369 --> 00:11:01,888
<i>[Aaron] She didn't even
let his family in...</i>

310
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:04,164
<i>- his daughter, no one.</i> 
- Dad. - Grandpa.

311
00:11:04,206 --> 00:11:05,832
- Is that Ruth?
- No. Keep signing.

312
00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:07,226
- Dad, let us in, please.
- [whistles]

313
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,628
- Keep signing, Harry.
- That's my father.

314
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,421
No, no, no, no.
That's not what I heard.

315
00:11:11,463 --> 00:11:12,815
- What did you hear?
- The daughter was there

316
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,007
but for a different reason.

317
00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:15,592
<i>Susie got to the daughter,</i>

318
00:11:15,634 --> 00:11:18,011
<i>made a deal, and together,
they bamboozled Harry</i>

319
00:11:18,053 --> 00:11:20,055
<i>- into signing over his clients.</i>
- Good job, Dad.

320
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:22,432
- All done.
<i>- The daughter got paid in cash</i>

321
00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:24,476
<i>- right there in the room.
- [Ray] Bullshit, guys.</i>

322
00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:25,852
Come on.

323
00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,771
My big sister was a nurse
at Lenox Hill.

324
00:11:27,813 --> 00:11:29,898
She was on duty that night.
She saw it all.

325
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:32,442
Hello, Harry.

326
00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,611
Just checking in here.
Everything good?

327
00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,863
Very good.
Thank you, Linda.

328
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:39,074
- You're sweet.
- So are you.

329
00:11:39,116 --> 00:11:40,784
Get some rest.

330
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:43,829
- She's cute.
- Oh, stop.

331
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,455
[door closes]

332
00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:48,333
I think she got something
happening for me down there.

333
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,960
Check and see?

334
00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:52,146
You want me to see if you have
an erection? You are sick.

335
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,090
- You're a sick man.
- Yup, I'm sick.

336
00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:56,341
I am sick.

337
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,802
Hey, stop that. Okay?
You promised.

338
00:11:58,844 --> 00:12:01,555
<i>[Ray] Most of his employees
had abandoned ship.</i>

339
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,056
<i>The ones that stayed
were stealing</i>

340
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:04,683
<i>the goddamn paintings
off the walls.</i>

341
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,518
Harry, where's your daughter?
Where's Ruth?

342
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,687
I don't know. She's, uh...

343
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,273
I don't know.

344
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:14,151
Hey, have you learned
to play golf yet?

345
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,378
I'm not learning to play golf.

346
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:16,570
It's where deals get made.

347
00:12:16,611 --> 00:12:17,988
You have to golf.

348
00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:20,115
- I don't know.
- I'm gonna leave you my clubs.

349
00:12:20,157 --> 00:12:22,075
- I don't want your clubs.
- Golf with them,

350
00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:23,910
beat someone with them,
I don't care.

351
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:25,745
You're taking my clubs.

352
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,831
- Hi, Harry.
- Oh, hello.

353
00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:30,041
Oh, goody, we just got
that thing deflated.

354
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,210
[laughs softly]

355
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,254
[coughing]

356
00:12:39,634 --> 00:12:41,011
[projector whirring]

357
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,196
[Harry] They never beat
the silents.

358
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:43,555
[Susie] Oh, now, come on.

359
00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,199
[Harry] No. Nobody beat Keaton.
Not at his peak.

360
00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:47,851
Hell, he was 25
when he made this.

361
00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:49,060
He was a genius.

362
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,104
This is funny,
but there's funnier stuff.

363
00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:53,440
I'm on my deathbed,
and you're arguing with me?

364
00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:55,775
- This is not your deathbed.
- Susie...

365
00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:58,862
- I'm dying.
- Yeah, I know that.

366
00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:00,465
I meant I'm gonna move you
over to another bed

367
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:01,615
when you're about to croak.

368
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:02,991
This one's all gross and sweaty.

369
00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:04,743
[chuckles]

370
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,705
Harry, you're the only one
who noticed me

371
00:13:08,747 --> 00:13:10,749
when no one else did.

372
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:11,958
Thank you for that.

373
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,336
Listen...

374
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,838
I'm signing some clients
over to you.

375
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,049
The big ones who stayed:
Jerry, Mel,

376
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:21,801
- Peter, Lucy.
- Harry, no.

377
00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:23,887
I've discussed it with them,
and they're good to go.

378
00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:26,640
Just keep 'em on a path,
like you did with Midge.

379
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:29,184
Keep 'em focused.
Keep 'em happy.

380
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:30,602
But why? Why me?

381
00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,854
You're the only one I trust.

382
00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:35,899
- No. No.
- The lawyers are into it.

383
00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,317
You can do it.

384
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:39,194
You can do it, Susie.

385
00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:42,906
We're, uh, missing the movie.

386
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,618
We're missing the movie.

387
00:13:48,787 --> 00:13:51,289
[TV playing faintly]

388
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,500
[Linda] He's comfortable.

389
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:00,924
Ruth?

390
00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:08,056
I'm here, Dad.

391
00:14:15,105 --> 00:14:16,856
[Susie sighs]

392
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,985
- Shit.
- Shit.

393
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,403
Sad.

394
00:14:21,444 --> 00:14:23,530
It's not what I heard.

395
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:25,240
Okay, let me bring up
a very funny man,

396
00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:27,576
the funniest man in the room,
which is saying nothing.

397
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:29,619
- [laughter, cheering]
- Ray Ortiz!

398
00:14:32,038 --> 00:14:35,250
Thank you, and hello, Susie.

399
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:36,978
You know, the only reason
Susie's here right now

400
00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:38,229
is because she heard
there are two-to-one odds

401
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,422
- she'd even show up.
- [laughter]

402
00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:42,024
I'm not saying
she has a gambling problem,

403
00:14:42,048 --> 00:14:43,276
but she made a call
to her bookie

404
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:44,527
halfway through <i>Field of Dreams.</i>

405
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,052
[laughter]

406
00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:47,280
I mean,
when she plays solitaire,

407
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,180
- she bets against herself.
- [laughter]

408
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,808
She once tried to go double
or nothing at an IRS audit.

409
00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:53,435
[laughter]

410
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:54,912
When I introduced Susie
to my twin daughters,

411
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:56,771
she said,
"Two eights? Split 'em!"

412
00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:57,939
[laughter]

413
00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,608
And then there's the boys.

414
00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:02,527
You know what I mean,
"the boys," huh?

415
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,446
And where there's the boys,
there's Susie,

416
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,823
begging them to let her keep
her pinky finger one more day.

417
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:08,408
[laughter]

418
00:15:08,450 --> 00:15:10,243
But really,
these are just rumors.

419
00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:11,786
<i>[Carmine] Rumors? Ha!</i>

420
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:14,164
The mob had their hands
in her pockets since day one,

421
00:15:14,205 --> 00:15:15,850
just like Harry Drake,
just like all of 'em.

422
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:17,226
Yeah, like I was gonna say that
to the room.

423
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,543
I prefer being alive.

424
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,253
- [chuckles]
- But Susie leaned into it,

425
00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:21,588
more than others.

426
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:23,357
It started with that thing
with Dinah Rutledge.

427
00:15:23,381 --> 00:15:25,276
- You all know her, right?
- Mm-hmm. Sure. - D-Ruttles.

428
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,677
- Susie's number two.
- She runs the New York branch.

429
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:30,031
She runs New York, period. She's tough as Susie.
- I'll say.

430
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:33,141
It was 1961, '62,
that's when Susie went all in,

431
00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:34,559
made those guys her muscle.

432
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,604
Hey, get me in
at the Copa tonight.

433
00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:40,148
In the way back,
not like last time.

434
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,566
I looked like an asshole

435
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,085
walking out in the middle
of that guy's act.

436
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,611
And let's start rolling calls.

437
00:15:44,653 --> 00:15:46,821
- Guys from William Morris first.
- Yup.

438
00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:49,866
- You okay?
- Yeah.

439
00:15:51,242 --> 00:15:52,369
Dinah.

440
00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:54,496
Ow.

441
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,706
What the fuck?
How did this happen?

442
00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,833
And do not tell me
it was a fucking doorknob.

443
00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,293
It was Ronald.

444
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,253
He got drunk, he got mad,
he got jealous.

445
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,089
- Dinah.
- I kicked him out. We're done.

446
00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:05,632
You bet your ass you're done.

447
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:08,885
Look, you are gonna be
a manager one day,

448
00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:10,679
so I got to keep you
in one piece.

449
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,681
But I'll make you a deal, okay?

450
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,349
From here on,
I get prior approval

451
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:15,850
over any guy you date.

452
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,769
Stop it, it hurts to smile.

453
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:20,105
No, he's got to come in here,
fill out a questionnaire.

454
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,524
It'll be quite lengthy,
50, 60 pages.

455
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,359
And then I want to see him
in a bathing suit.

456
00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,444
A tight one. I want you to see
what you're getting.

457
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,279
[laughs] Whatever you say,
boss.

458
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:29,948
Okay, go home. Rest.

459
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,950
Take a taxi,
not the subway.

460
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,326
Thanks.

461
00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,704
And I'm sending over
a massive amount of Zabar's.

462
00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,956
Lots of chicken soup and babka.

463
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,291
- And candied fruit?
- And candied fruit.

464
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,544
Now go.
I'll see you tomorrow.

465
00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:44,505
<i>[Carmine] Yeah, you think
that was the end of it?</i>

466
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,256
<i>- Hell no.
- [door opens]</i>

467
00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:47,775
[♪ Dean Martin: "Ain't That
a Kick in the Head"]

468
00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:50,427
- Now I need a favor.
- Sure. What is it?

469
00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:51,803
<i>♪ How lucky can one guy be...</i>

470
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:53,388
- [Ronald] Yeah?
- Your name Ronald?

471
00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:55,515
- Yeah. Who the fuck are you?
- Who the fuck are we?

472
00:16:55,557 --> 00:16:57,308
We're friends of Susie Myerson.

473
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:59,269
<i>- ♪ Like the fella once said ♪</i>
- [locks door]

474
00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:01,604
<i>- ♪ Ain't that a kick in the head...</i>
- [Ronald] No! No!

475
00:17:01,646 --> 00:17:04,315
<i>- They were old-school, those guys. Thorough.</i>
- [clattering]

476
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,818
<i>And they still own a piece
of every client Susie has.</i>

477
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,695
[Ronald grunting]

478
00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:10,822
Every client except Maisel.

479
00:17:10,864 --> 00:17:12,365
[Aaron] Yeah,
how'd that happen?

480
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:13,467
You said they were there
from the start.

481
00:17:13,491 --> 00:17:14,951
- Yeah, why not Maisel?
- Mm-hmm.

482
00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,619
I know,
and I'm gonna tell you

483
00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:18,121
right after I take a piss.

484
00:17:18,163 --> 00:17:19,807
- [overlapping complaints]
- Oh, Jesus Christ, Carmine.

485
00:17:19,831 --> 00:17:21,040
Carmine, finish the story.

486
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,309
<i>[Stewart] Let's bring up
our next speaker.</i>

487
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:23,960
You know him.
You're jealous of him.

488
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:27,255
He's an Oscar-nominated
producer, three times over,

489
00:17:27,297 --> 00:17:30,216
an Emmy award-winning
television genius.

490
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:33,219
Legendary executive producer
of <i>The Gordon Ford Show,</i>

491
00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:36,514
- Mike Carr!
- [whooping, cheering]

492
00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,395
Hello, all.

493
00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,272
- Hello, Susie.
- Mm-hmm.

494
00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:45,982
I still owe you that lunch,
don't I?

495
00:17:46,024 --> 00:17:48,443
- I'll take the cash equivalent.
- [laughter]

496
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,779
So, who is Susie Myerson?

497
00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:52,280
She's the only person in America

498
00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:54,365
whose life was made better
by <i>Arthur 2.</i>

499
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,034
[laughter]

500
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,720
She's the only woman
who ever told Tom Cruise

501
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,705
- that he's "unfuckably short."
- [laughter]

502
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:03,208
And she's the only person I know
who would get into

503
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,043
a screaming fight
with Sidney Lumet

504
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,878
at Anne Bancroft's
birthday party.

505
00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:08,671
[laughter]

506
00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:10,215
Susie and I met on <i>Gordon Ford.</i>

507
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,801
And just a quick side note about
someone I worked with closely

508
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,260
for a number of years there.

509
00:18:14,302 --> 00:18:17,722
It is the ten-year anniversary
of the passing

510
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:22,018
of my old boss and mentor
at <i>Gordon Ford,</i> George Toledano.

511
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,853
A lot of you knew him.

512
00:18:23,895 --> 00:18:25,230
A lot of you venerated him.

513
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:28,066
He was a good man
who never really got his due,

514
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,484
and I miss him
every single day.

515
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:30,693
<i>[Aaron] Bull. Shit.</i>

516
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,612
Mikey hated George
with a passion.

517
00:18:32,654 --> 00:18:34,113
But George was Gordon's guy.

518
00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:35,448
Georgie made Gordon.

519
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:36,825
Hell, when George found him,

520
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:38,493
Gordon was doing
traffic and weather

521
00:18:38,535 --> 00:18:40,286
- in some bumfuck town.
- [laughter]

522
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:41,806
- His sidekick was a chicken.
- Mr. Cock-a-doodle-doo.

523
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:43,164
That's not even
a chicken sound.

524
00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:45,291
- That's how lame it was.
- [laughter]

525
00:18:45,333 --> 00:18:48,294
But George saw something in him,
put him on the fast track.

526
00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,088
Hell, everyone thought
the only way George

527
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,798
would leave Gordon's side
was in a coffin.

528
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,050
- [Stewart] So, what happened?
- Susie happened.

529
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:55,635
- Oh, yeah.
- What? - I know this story.

530
00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:57,804
- I do, too.
- Okay, but I'm telling it.

531
00:18:57,846 --> 00:18:59,722
Mike was the talent booker.

532
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:02,308
He and Susie started getting
all buddy-buddy.

533
00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:05,728
Another odd couple,
like her and Harry.

534
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,540
[Midge] No, you know how you say
a word too many times,

535
00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:09,065
it stops sounding like a word?

536
00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:10,441
Well, there's a word for that.

537
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,323
- What's the word?
- I can't remember the word.

538
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,153
Cess, you went to Harvard.
What's the word?

539
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:15,947
I don't know.
I didn't major in words.

540
00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:18,217
- [Midge] It's gonna bug me.
- She's doing the tennis pro.

541
00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:20,034
- Get out.
- People say.

542
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:21,536
<i>[Aaron] Was it legit camaraderie</i>

543
00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,538
<i>or just Susie
working some angle?</i>

544
00:19:23,580 --> 00:19:26,249
<i>Either way,
the angle presented itself.</i>

545
00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:28,001
Hey, Mike.
Who made that dumb rule

546
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:31,713
that anyone who works on
the show can't be on the show?

547
00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:33,131
It's George.

548
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,507
George made the rule about

549
00:19:34,549 --> 00:19:36,068
no one working on the show
appearing on the show.

550
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,386
It's some dumb
superstition of his

551
00:19:38,428 --> 00:19:41,848
dating back to, I don't know,
when he was a boy in Pompeii.

552
00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:44,058
Gordon follows it 'cause...

553
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:47,395
I don't know.
I don't know anything.

554
00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:49,230
George, huh?

555
00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:50,607
- Semantic satiation!
- [groaning]

556
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,025
[Cecil] That's two words.

557
00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:53,776
<i>[Aaron] Susie didn't
like George either.</i>

558
00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:55,904
<i>Even before she became
the great Susie Myerson,</i>

559
00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:58,197
<i>- small slights cut deep.</i>
- Good morning.

560
00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:00,199
Hi, George.
You remember Susie.

561
00:20:00,241 --> 00:20:01,451
I don't believe we've met.

562
00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:02,952
Oh, you've definitely met.

563
00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:05,455
- Have we?
- Only like half a dozen times.

564
00:20:05,496 --> 00:20:09,167
- [chuckles] Well, then... good to see you.
- Mm.

565
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,585
<i>[Aaron] One thing
Susie never liked</i>

566
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:12,587
<i>- was not being remembered.</i>
- Pleasure's mine.

567
00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:14,213
<i>That man was in her sights.</i>

568
00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:16,424
<i>One night, there's
a staff party in the studio.</i>

569
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:19,010
<i>Their 500th show,
some shit like that.</i>

570
00:20:19,052 --> 00:20:20,970
<i>The booze is free,
so of course Susie's there.</i>

571
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,389
<i>She gets bored,
she starts wandering around.</i>

572
00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:24,891
Don't push me like this, George!

573
00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:27,727
Just get it the fuck done, Mike,
or I'll find somebody who can.

574
00:20:27,769 --> 00:20:30,730
<i>[Aaron] Susie's super curious,
so she goes after Mike.</i>

575
00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:32,374
He treats me like
I'm the fucking receptionist.

576
00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:33,959
Demeans me in front of the staff
every chance he gets.

577
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:35,336
<i>- [Aaron] Mike's had it.</i>
- I've fucking had it.

578
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,570
- Does Gordon know that?
- Oh, he knows.

579
00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:39,238
He's dangled me
producing shows for him

580
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,532
when his network deal closes,
but guess what.

581
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,701
- They can't make a deal.
- What? Why?

582
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,495
Gordon's number one.
What's the holdup?

583
00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:48,039
I'd put fucking money on George
Toledano being the holdup.

584
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:49,975
<i>[Aaron] Susie had invested
a lot of time in Mike Carr,</i>

585
00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:51,709
<i>and she did not want him
to leave.</i>

586
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,045
- George, huh?
<i>- He could decide to, I don't know,</i>

587
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,297
<i>go into his father-in-law's
fucking plumbing business,</i>

588
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,091
<i>and what good would that
do Susie?</i>

589
00:20:58,132 --> 00:21:02,637
<i>She had a plumber, so
she decided to do some snooping.</i>

590
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,348
Have you gone through his stuff?

591
00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:07,141
- Whose stuff?
<i>- [knocking]</i>

592
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:09,894
You can't do this.

593
00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:12,146
Sure I can. Just watch.

594
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:13,908
There's security guards
that walk the floor.

595
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:15,566
They're all at the party.

596
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:19,529
Eh, bullshit,
bullshit, bullshit.

597
00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:21,447
Ooh. Why does he have
rubber gloves?

598
00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:22,549
I don't know,
maybe to go through my stuff.

599
00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:25,493
[groans] Locked drawer.

600
00:21:25,535 --> 00:21:27,412
These douchebags
that never open letters,

601
00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:29,080
but they all have
letter openers.

602
00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:30,623
I truly despise that.

603
00:21:30,665 --> 00:21:32,375
Okay, I can't be here.
Goodbye.

604
00:21:32,417 --> 00:21:34,127
- [groans]
- [door closes]

605
00:21:36,254 --> 00:21:38,190
<i>[Aaron] She's either the best
snoop in the business</i>

606
00:21:38,214 --> 00:21:41,217
<i>or the luckiest son of a bitch
who ever walked the planet.</i>

607
00:21:41,259 --> 00:21:43,845
<i>The gun was smoking
like a three-alarm fire,</i>

608
00:21:43,886 --> 00:21:46,723
<i>and Mikey's life
was about to change.</i>

609
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,307
<i>And as for George...</i>

610
00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:50,143
Dorie, is it possible

611
00:21:50,184 --> 00:21:52,020
you're more beautiful today
than yesterday?

612
00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:55,023
I did change my lashes.

613
00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:57,066
How's the best writing staff
in the business?

614
00:21:57,108 --> 00:21:58,901
[overlapping chatter]

615
00:21:58,943 --> 00:22:00,236
Nice suit, George.

616
00:22:00,278 --> 00:22:01,612
[cheering]

617
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:04,824
Oh, you look trim, Freddie.
What's your secret?

618
00:22:04,866 --> 00:22:06,409
[Freddie] Grapefruit, George.

619
00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:07,744
Alan?

620
00:22:07,785 --> 00:22:09,620
<i>[Aaron] The poor bastard
never saw it coming.</i>

621
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:11,181
Gordon would like you
and your personal effects

622
00:22:11,205 --> 00:22:12,874
gone within the hour.

623
00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:14,959
<i>[Aaron] Turns out
George was single-handedly</i>

624
00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:16,669
<i>holding up Gordon's contract.</i>

625
00:22:16,711 --> 00:22:18,921
<i>George wanted
his mortgage paid off,</i>

626
00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:21,007
<i>a new boat,
a fucking horse farm,</i>

627
00:22:21,049 --> 00:22:23,009
<i>a house for a "friend."</i>

628
00:22:23,051 --> 00:22:26,137
<i>When Gordon heard,
he blew his stack</i>

629
00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,514
<i>and Mikey got the job.</i>

630
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:31,350
Hey, Dinah!
This one just winked at me.

631
00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:32,911
[Dinah] Pigeons don't wink.
It blinked.

632
00:22:32,935 --> 00:22:35,146
It fucking winked,
I'm telling you.

633
00:22:35,188 --> 00:22:36,814
Good God, that amuses me.

634
00:22:36,856 --> 00:22:38,316
Why does that amuse me so much?

635
00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:40,026
It's because
you're easily amused.

636
00:22:40,068 --> 00:22:42,695
<i>[Aaron] It was all in a day's
work for Susie Myerson.</i>

637
00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:44,739
Goddamn, I love these things.

638
00:22:44,781 --> 00:22:47,492
- [laughter]
- [Mike] So, Susie,

639
00:22:47,533 --> 00:22:49,368
my old friend.

640
00:22:49,410 --> 00:22:52,205
Old, old friend.

641
00:22:52,246 --> 00:22:55,541
- You're very old.
- [laughter]

642
00:22:55,583 --> 00:22:57,710
I'll leave you with this.

643
00:22:58,711 --> 00:23:01,047
- [laughter]
- Okay.

644
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,718
- [man] Yeah, Susie!
<i>- [Ray] Okay, okay.</i>

645
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,137
You've taken your piss,
my brother, now talk.

646
00:23:08,179 --> 00:23:09,680
Yeah, come on, spill.

647
00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:11,602
How did Midge Maisel get out
from under the mob?

648
00:23:11,641 --> 00:23:13,744
All right, so you know about
Midge's first husband, right?

649
00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:15,061
The man who gave her the Maisel?

650
00:23:15,103 --> 00:23:17,146
Well, I have worked
for Joel Maisel,

651
00:23:17,188 --> 00:23:18,898
and he is one tough
son of a bitch,

652
00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:20,918
- let me tell you.
- He just got out of the clink, right?

653
00:23:20,942 --> 00:23:23,295
Yeah, he got caught up in that
big FBI sweep a few years back.

654
00:23:23,319 --> 00:23:25,321
- Blame Susie for that, too.
- Jesus. - No.

655
00:23:25,363 --> 00:23:26,882
Yeah. Now, the mob had
sunk their teeth into Susie

656
00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:28,950
from the start,
so they owned Midge lock,

657
00:23:28,991 --> 00:23:32,328
stock and barrel, and
Joel Maisel wasn't having it.

658
00:23:32,370 --> 00:23:34,330
[objects clattering]

659
00:23:34,372 --> 00:23:36,374
He's in your office.

660
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:37,917
Goddamn it.

661
00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:39,502
<i>[Carmine] He'd just busted in,</i>

662
00:23:39,544 --> 00:23:41,772
<i>demanded to know what they were
getting of his ex-wife's.</i>

663
00:23:41,796 --> 00:23:44,257
- Are you fucking crazy?
- Where are they?

664
00:23:44,298 --> 00:23:46,134
- Where's what?
- Your books.

665
00:23:46,175 --> 00:23:47,677
My accountant has 'em.

666
00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:49,387
Not those books.

667
00:23:50,972 --> 00:23:52,598
These books.

668
00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:56,185
You know, there are laws
against breaking and entering.

669
00:23:57,436 --> 00:23:59,647
Asshole. Asshole!

670
00:23:59,689 --> 00:24:01,291
<i>[Carmine] It was all there
in black and white.</i>

671
00:24:01,315 --> 00:24:03,109
<i>For every 100 bucks Midge made,</i>

672
00:24:03,151 --> 00:24:06,612
<i>Susie got 15
and the mob got 30.</i>

673
00:24:06,654 --> 00:24:08,340
- I told you not to call the cops.
- I didn't.

674
00:24:08,364 --> 00:24:10,217
This is my cousin Dougie,
he was meeting me for lunch.

675
00:24:10,241 --> 00:24:12,535
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

676
00:24:12,577 --> 00:24:14,203
Shit.

677
00:24:14,245 --> 00:24:16,372
Guys, wait. Hold up.

678
00:24:16,414 --> 00:24:18,833
- So, you know this man?
- [Susie] Yes.

679
00:24:18,875 --> 00:24:20,501
- Do you want to press charges?
- No.

680
00:24:20,543 --> 00:24:21,919
It's a misunderstanding.

681
00:24:21,961 --> 00:24:23,355
Care to explain
the misunderstanding?

682
00:24:23,379 --> 00:24:25,047
Nope. Just let him go.

683
00:24:25,089 --> 00:24:27,383
[women murmuring]

684
00:24:28,801 --> 00:24:30,386
Leave the premises.

685
00:24:30,428 --> 00:24:32,346
- I'll make sure he goes.
- Rain check, Dougie?

686
00:24:32,388 --> 00:24:33,431
Yup.

687
00:24:34,432 --> 00:24:36,350
- Joel, listen.
- [elevator bell dings]

688
00:24:36,392 --> 00:24:38,060
She's gonna make
so much goddam money,

689
00:24:38,102 --> 00:24:39,437
it's not gonna matter.

690
00:24:39,478 --> 00:24:42,440
I will commit my life to her,
everything.

691
00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:44,066
I'm gonna make this happen.

692
00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:46,152
This situation,
it'll be a footnote.

693
00:24:46,194 --> 00:24:47,486
They own her, Susie.

694
00:24:47,528 --> 00:24:49,280
I can fix this.

695
00:24:49,322 --> 00:24:51,616
<i>[Carmine] He knew there was
no fixing it, not for Susie.</i>

696
00:24:51,657 --> 00:24:53,159
<i>So, what does he do?</i>

697
00:24:53,201 --> 00:24:55,244
<i>He walks straight
into the lion's den.</i>

698
00:24:55,286 --> 00:25:00,124
<i>♪ I love
those J-I-N-G-L-E bells ♪</i>

699
00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:02,668
- [♪ Frank Sinatra: "Jingle Bells"]
- [lively chatter]

700
00:25:02,710 --> 00:25:06,005
<i>♪ Those holiday J-I-N-G-L-E
bells...</i>

701
00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:07,590
[whistles]

702
00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:11,928
<i>♪ Those happy J-I-N-G-L-E
B-E double-L-S ♪</i>

703
00:25:11,969 --> 00:25:14,931
<i>- ♪ I love those...</i>
- Can we help you?

704
00:25:14,972 --> 00:25:17,099
Frank and Nicky, right?

705
00:25:17,141 --> 00:25:18,351
Yeah?

706
00:25:18,392 --> 00:25:20,686
I'm Joel Maisel.
You got a minute?

707
00:25:20,728 --> 00:25:22,897
Sure.

708
00:25:22,939 --> 00:25:25,233
We'll be right back, guys. Hey.

709
00:25:27,026 --> 00:25:28,069
There's good.

710
00:25:28,110 --> 00:25:29,320
You're Frank?

711
00:25:29,362 --> 00:25:31,197
Yeah. That's Nicky.

712
00:25:31,239 --> 00:25:33,175
You know, my mother actually
named me after St. Nicholas,

713
00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:35,701
'cause I came out fat and jolly.

714
00:25:35,743 --> 00:25:38,454
Plus, my pop got clipped
on Christmas.

715
00:25:38,496 --> 00:25:40,039
My kids are waiting.
What's up?

716
00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:41,958
You can't have Midge.

717
00:25:41,999 --> 00:25:43,834
- What?
- You can't have her.

718
00:25:43,876 --> 00:25:45,795
- You just can't.
- I don't get it.

719
00:25:45,836 --> 00:25:46,837
We don't have Midge.

720
00:25:46,879 --> 00:25:48,798
But you have Susie, right?

721
00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:50,216
We don't talk about our clients.

722
00:25:50,258 --> 00:25:52,009
Look, I'm not a schmuck.

723
00:25:52,051 --> 00:25:54,387
I didn't come here empty-handed.

724
00:25:54,428 --> 00:25:56,264
I've got something to offer
in exchange.

725
00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:57,515
- Really?
- What?

726
00:25:57,556 --> 00:25:59,141
- Me.
- You?

727
00:25:59,183 --> 00:26:00,661
Trying to picture you
in a cocktail dress.

728
00:26:00,685 --> 00:26:03,145
I've got a place in Chinatown.
A nightclub.

729
00:26:03,187 --> 00:26:05,690
Turns big profits,
it's got lines around the block.

730
00:26:05,731 --> 00:26:07,400
- Chinatown, huh?
- Hmm. Tough market.

731
00:26:07,441 --> 00:26:10,111
I'm fucking good at this,
this business.

732
00:26:10,152 --> 00:26:12,280
I make money.

733
00:26:12,321 --> 00:26:14,865
And with the right financing,
I could expand quick,

734
00:26:14,907 --> 00:26:18,286
quicker than what I'm doing now.

735
00:26:18,327 --> 00:26:19,704
You guys do financing, right?

736
00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:21,497
Yeah, we do financing.

737
00:26:21,539 --> 00:26:23,082
Then let go of her.

738
00:26:23,124 --> 00:26:24,917
Let her walk away.

739
00:26:24,959 --> 00:26:27,128
Look, Joel, she's starting
to make good money.

740
00:26:27,169 --> 00:26:30,423
She's the mother of my kids,
and I want her clear of this.

741
00:26:32,466 --> 00:26:33,843
You've got kids.

742
00:26:36,304 --> 00:26:38,306
- Give us a minute.
- Sure.

743
00:26:43,853 --> 00:26:45,855
[lively chatter]

744
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:49,483
[Francesca] Would you like
a cookie?

745
00:26:49,525 --> 00:26:50,985
I made them myself.

746
00:26:51,027 --> 00:26:53,321
- Which one's the best?
- The star.

747
00:26:55,740 --> 00:26:59,327
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

748
00:27:03,748 --> 00:27:05,916
You ever been popped?

749
00:27:05,958 --> 00:27:07,543
- No.
- Good.

750
00:27:07,585 --> 00:27:09,211
The old man liked the idea.

751
00:27:09,253 --> 00:27:11,255
You, as like, a front man.

752
00:27:11,297 --> 00:27:13,591
He's already got ideas
for cities to put clubs in.

753
00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:15,593
Cities we do business in.

754
00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:17,428
Always open to ideas.

755
00:27:17,470 --> 00:27:19,597
So, you'll leave Midge alone?

756
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:23,309
You got some balls on you, pal,
I'll give you that.

757
00:27:23,351 --> 00:27:25,853
Yeah, we'll leave Midge alone.

758
00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:28,481
Okay.

759
00:27:28,522 --> 00:27:31,192
So, what happens now?

760
00:27:31,233 --> 00:27:33,652
We should get back to the kids.

761
00:27:37,490 --> 00:27:39,575
Happy Hanukkah.

762
00:27:40,618 --> 00:27:42,596
<i>[Carmine] He skirted charges
longer than anybody thought</i>

763
00:27:42,620 --> 00:27:44,955
<i>he could, had good lawyers,
caught some breaks.</i>

764
00:27:44,997 --> 00:27:46,916
<i>But ultimately
they threw the book at him,</i>

765
00:27:46,957 --> 00:27:50,044
<i>hard, brought the whole thing
tumbling down.</i>

766
00:27:50,086 --> 00:27:52,797
- [gate buzzes]
<i>- He took the full rap.</i>

767
00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:54,924
<i>Protected that partner of his,
Archie Cleary,</i>

768
00:27:54,965 --> 00:27:56,592
<i>made sure he was okay.</i>

769
00:27:56,634 --> 00:27:58,969
<i>He supposedly stashed some money
in Bermuda or somewhere</i>

770
00:27:59,011 --> 00:28:00,930
<i>for when he got out.
Who knows?</i>

771
00:28:00,971 --> 00:28:04,225
<i>And Midge, well,
she never deserted him.</i>

772
00:28:04,266 --> 00:28:07,853
[laughter]

773
00:28:07,895 --> 00:28:09,313
Susie Myerson.

774
00:28:09,355 --> 00:28:11,399
Is she gay, is she straight?
Who can tell?

775
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:13,901
- [laughter]
- But I've seen some of the deals she's closed

776
00:28:13,943 --> 00:28:15,528
over the years,
and one group of people

777
00:28:15,569 --> 00:28:18,656
- I know she fucks is her clients.
- [laughter]

778
00:28:18,697 --> 00:28:20,783
But, you know,
she just got George Carlin

779
00:28:20,825 --> 00:28:22,701
booked on a children's show.
Yeah.

780
00:28:22,743 --> 00:28:24,995
Next year he's taking over
for Ringo Starr

781
00:28:25,037 --> 00:28:27,081
on <i>Shining Time
Cocksucker Shit Piss</i>

782
00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:29,458
<i>- Fuck Cunt Tits Motherfucker Station.</i>
- [laughter]

783
00:28:33,045 --> 00:28:34,880
So, Susie, you ready
for a special guest?

784
00:28:34,922 --> 00:28:35,965
- No.
- Too bad.

785
00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:39,927
It took three connecting flights
and two B-12 injections

786
00:28:39,969 --> 00:28:41,947
to get our next guest here,
but get her here we did.

787
00:28:41,971 --> 00:28:45,307
Ladies and gentlemen, Susie's
little sister Tessie Myerson.

788
00:28:45,349 --> 00:28:48,894
- [applause, cheering]
- [whoops] Yeah.

789
00:28:48,936 --> 00:28:52,106
- Hiya, sis.
- Hello, Tess.

790
00:28:52,148 --> 00:28:53,941
So, so, so,

791
00:28:53,983 --> 00:28:58,112
so, what can I say
about Susie Myerson

792
00:28:58,154 --> 00:29:00,823
that hasn't been said
about Pol Pot?

793
00:29:00,865 --> 00:29:03,242
[laughs]

794
00:29:03,284 --> 00:29:04,845
When I introduced her
to my twin daughters,

795
00:29:04,869 --> 00:29:08,038
she said,
"Two eights? Split 'em."

796
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:10,624
[laughs]

797
00:29:10,666 --> 00:29:12,126
I should've been a comedian.

798
00:29:12,168 --> 00:29:13,979
<i>- [Ray] That was weird.
- [Carmine] Super weird.</i>

799
00:29:14,003 --> 00:29:15,880
She just did
everybody else's jokes.

800
00:29:15,921 --> 00:29:18,632
Susie is the only person I know

801
00:29:18,674 --> 00:29:20,593
who would get into
a screaming fight

802
00:29:20,634 --> 00:29:25,181
with Sidney Lumet at
Anne Bancroft's birthday party.

803
00:29:25,222 --> 00:29:28,017
- Who is Sidney Lumet?
- Okay, Tessie, wrap it up.

804
00:29:28,058 --> 00:29:30,561
But in all honesty, sis.

805
00:29:30,603 --> 00:29:31,979
I'm thrilled to be here.

806
00:29:32,021 --> 00:29:34,607
[voice breaking] You've always
been my rock,

807
00:29:34,648 --> 00:29:37,318
and you've always been
supportive of me.

808
00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:39,069
Happy birthday.

809
00:29:39,111 --> 00:29:40,464
- It's not my fucking birthday.
- [scattered laughs]

810
00:29:40,488 --> 00:29:41,530
This woman.

811
00:29:41,572 --> 00:29:45,534
This woman had belief
and passion

812
00:29:45,576 --> 00:29:48,329
for my singing career
when no one else did.

813
00:29:48,370 --> 00:29:51,165
- Oh, boy.
- She is solely responsible

814
00:29:51,207 --> 00:29:54,835
for my smash disco single
"Never Ever Gonna Stop."

815
00:29:54,877 --> 00:29:58,339
It hit number 85
on the Billboard Dance charts,

816
00:29:58,380 --> 00:30:01,967
and it even made it
to number one in Indonesia.

817
00:30:02,009 --> 00:30:04,845
I mean, I didn't even know
Indonesia was real before that,

818
00:30:04,887 --> 00:30:06,430
and now I live there.

819
00:30:06,472 --> 00:30:07,973
It was Susie's idea.

820
00:30:08,015 --> 00:30:11,310
Anyway, I'm gonna liven
this morgue up a bit

821
00:30:11,352 --> 00:30:13,312
and do it for you now.
Hit it.

822
00:30:13,354 --> 00:30:14,772
[♪ "Never Ever Gonna Stop"]

823
00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:18,567
<i>♪ When I saw you
at the nightclub ♪</i>

824
00:30:18,609 --> 00:30:20,611
<i>♪ You were dancing ♪</i>

825
00:30:20,653 --> 00:30:22,488
And then it just got
fucking weirder.

826
00:30:22,530 --> 00:30:23,948
<i>♪ Let me rub your face ♪</i>

827
00:30:23,989 --> 00:30:25,950
<i>- ♪ While you shake your hips ♪</i>
- Okay.

828
00:30:25,991 --> 00:30:29,620
<i>♪ I'm just a baby girl
who wants to taste your lips ♪</i>

829
00:30:29,662 --> 00:30:31,288
<i>♪ You say you have to go ♪</i>

830
00:30:31,330 --> 00:30:35,167
<i>♪ But, boy, there's something
you should know ♪</i>

831
00:30:35,209 --> 00:30:38,754
<i>♪ It's that I'm never,
never, ever ♪</i>

832
00:30:38,796 --> 00:30:43,175
<i>♪ Gonna stop loving you,
watching you, following you ♪</i>

833
00:30:43,217 --> 00:30:47,096
<i>♪ Never, never, ever
gonna stop ♪ ♪</i>

834
00:30:47,137 --> 00:30:48,222
[music stops]

835
00:30:48,264 --> 00:30:49,824
Hey, hey, you stopped it
before the best part.

836
00:30:49,848 --> 00:30:52,017
- The sex groaning.
- There we go.

837
00:30:52,059 --> 00:30:54,728
- Tessie Myerson, everybody.
- [cheering and applause]

838
00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:59,984
- Keep boogying, people.
- Oh, yeah.

839
00:31:00,025 --> 00:31:02,069
Talent sure runs
in the family.

840
00:31:02,111 --> 00:31:03,862
<i>[Carmine] So Susie did that
for her sister?</i>

841
00:31:03,904 --> 00:31:06,073
- That-that was a nice thing?
- No...

842
00:31:06,115 --> 00:31:08,784
- Yes, it was a nice thing.
- She's not a total monster.

843
00:31:08,826 --> 00:31:10,720
Yeah, she was a great manager,
up until she dumped me.

844
00:31:10,744 --> 00:31:13,497
She was great because she'd do
anything for her client.

845
00:31:13,539 --> 00:31:15,517
Do you know the Midge Maisel
Hawaiian wedding story?

846
00:31:15,541 --> 00:31:16,601
- Spill it.
- Let's hear it.

847
00:31:16,625 --> 00:31:18,836
I just hope to God it's true.

848
00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:22,339
- [ukulele playing nearby]
- Ah...

849
00:31:22,381 --> 00:31:24,049
- You hear that?
<i>- [Dinah] Hear what?</i>

850
00:31:24,091 --> 00:31:25,426
The fucking ocean.

851
00:31:25,467 --> 00:31:26,736
You can't hear
the fucking ocean?

852
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:28,137
Sounds a little like traffic.

853
00:31:28,178 --> 00:31:29,847
Hey, Marcy, get Lucius
back on the line.

854
00:31:29,888 --> 00:31:31,181
And is that a ukulele?

855
00:31:31,223 --> 00:31:34,101
I am so at peace.
Like, for the first time ever.

856
00:31:34,143 --> 00:31:36,937
I'm eating pineapple every day.

857
00:31:36,979 --> 00:31:38,939
- I want to buy a house here.
- [door slams shut]

858
00:31:40,190 --> 00:31:42,610
Jesus Christ, you scared me.

859
00:31:42,651 --> 00:31:44,653
I can't do this.
I can't do this.

860
00:31:44,695 --> 00:31:46,488
What, zip up?
I'll help you zip up.

861
00:31:46,530 --> 00:31:49,908
Not zip up. I can't do this.
I can't get married.

862
00:31:49,950 --> 00:31:51,410
I'll call you back.

863
00:31:51,452 --> 00:31:52,995
<i>[Dinah] Oh, are you
fucking kidding?</i>

864
00:31:53,037 --> 00:31:55,372
[Midge pouring drink]

865
00:31:55,414 --> 00:31:57,082
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

866
00:31:57,124 --> 00:31:59,001
It's a mistake. Can't do it.

867
00:31:59,043 --> 00:32:01,795
Miriam, there are 700 people
here to see you get married.

868
00:32:01,837 --> 00:32:02,963
- I know.
- In 20 minutes.

869
00:32:03,005 --> 00:32:05,257
- I know.
- We rented a fucking island.

870
00:32:05,299 --> 00:32:06,925
Flew people in
from all over the world.

871
00:32:06,967 --> 00:32:08,344
I know, I know.

872
00:32:08,385 --> 00:32:10,012
The Jordan almond budget alone

873
00:32:10,054 --> 00:32:11,347
could finance
a Navy SEAL strike.

874
00:32:11,388 --> 00:32:12,973
I hate Jordan almonds.

875
00:32:13,015 --> 00:32:13,974
You are getting married.

876
00:32:14,016 --> 00:32:14,975
- No.
- Yes.

877
00:32:15,017 --> 00:32:16,727
- No, No!
- Yes. Why?! Why?

878
00:32:16,769 --> 00:32:18,395
I don't love him.

879
00:32:18,437 --> 00:32:20,064
You didn't love
the last guy either.

880
00:32:20,105 --> 00:32:21,065
That didn't stop you.

881
00:32:21,106 --> 00:32:23,108
It's not him.
Philip is great.

882
00:32:23,150 --> 00:32:26,320
He really is, but there's love
and then there's love, you know.

883
00:32:26,362 --> 00:32:27,780
And then there's love.

884
00:32:27,821 --> 00:32:29,823
And I don't have that
right kind of love-love

885
00:32:29,865 --> 00:32:30,949
for him, you know?

886
00:32:30,991 --> 00:32:32,701
I am gonna beat you
with a pineapple.

887
00:32:32,743 --> 00:32:34,953
I know it's crazy,
but I was in my room

888
00:32:34,995 --> 00:32:36,455
and I looked at myself
in this outfit

889
00:32:36,497 --> 00:32:38,457
and I thought,
this is not a good outfit.

890
00:32:38,499 --> 00:32:41,210
- This outfit is a cry for help.
- The pants were surprising.

891
00:32:41,251 --> 00:32:42,461
And the guest list?

892
00:32:42,503 --> 00:32:44,088
This started off
as an intimate wedding.

893
00:32:44,129 --> 00:32:47,049
Thirty people, 50.
Just our closest friends.

894
00:32:47,091 --> 00:32:49,259
Then it just kept expanding
and expanding

895
00:32:49,301 --> 00:32:52,304
till it turned
into this 700-headed monster.

896
00:32:52,346 --> 00:32:55,599
Comedians I barely know,
relatives I have never met.

897
00:32:55,641 --> 00:32:57,142
Four ex-boyfriends.

898
00:32:57,184 --> 00:32:59,770
So many bad vibes.
What was I thinking?

899
00:32:59,812 --> 00:33:00,771
The more the merrier?

900
00:33:00,813 --> 00:33:02,690
He has no sense of humor.

901
00:33:02,731 --> 00:33:04,942
I need a man who
makes me laugh at breakfast,

902
00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:07,444
and he just doesn't
make me laugh.

903
00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,613
I hate him for that.
I shouldn't hate him,

904
00:33:09,655 --> 00:33:11,073
- but I do.
- [door opens]

905
00:33:11,115 --> 00:33:14,076
- I am loving Philip Roth.
- Such a gentleman.

906
00:33:14,118 --> 00:33:16,995
He just gave me a complete set
of his books.

907
00:33:17,037 --> 00:33:18,997
Signed. Terrific guy.

908
00:33:19,039 --> 00:33:21,625
He seems to have it in
for that Norman Mailer fellow,

909
00:33:21,667 --> 00:33:23,419
also very charming.

910
00:33:23,460 --> 00:33:25,129
Are we ready to go?

911
00:33:25,170 --> 00:33:27,548
I think I'm still
in love with Joel.

912
00:33:27,589 --> 00:33:29,550
- What?
- Joel's not funny either.

913
00:33:29,591 --> 00:33:31,009
- What's happening?
- Get this.

914
00:33:31,051 --> 00:33:33,512
She is considering backing out
of the fucking marriage,

915
00:33:33,554 --> 00:33:35,222
until she comes
to her fucking senses

916
00:33:35,264 --> 00:33:36,765
and stops looking
for crazy reasons

917
00:33:36,807 --> 00:33:38,076
to back out
of the fucking marriage.

918
00:33:38,100 --> 00:33:39,727
I'm sorry, I'm still
in love with Joel.

919
00:33:39,768 --> 00:33:41,103
- Joel who?
- Joel Grey?

920
00:33:41,145 --> 00:33:42,563
No, Joel Maisel.

921
00:33:42,604 --> 00:33:44,022
Why would you say Joel Grey?

922
00:33:44,064 --> 00:33:45,357
Because you dated Joel Grey.

923
00:33:45,399 --> 00:33:46,984
You were engaged to Joel Grey

924
00:33:47,025 --> 00:33:48,110
until you called it off.

925
00:33:48,152 --> 00:33:49,945
Because he didn't
make you laugh.

926
00:33:49,987 --> 00:33:51,214
You picking up
on a pattern here?

927
00:33:51,238 --> 00:33:52,281
Philip is a great lover.

928
00:33:52,322 --> 00:33:53,907
- Ew.
- Miriam. - Hey, hey.

929
00:33:53,949 --> 00:33:56,428
I'm sorry, I'm making a mental
pro/con list, and that is a pro.

930
00:33:56,452 --> 00:33:58,287
A big pro. And he's smart.

931
00:33:58,328 --> 00:34:00,122
And he's very easy
to buy shoes for.

932
00:34:00,164 --> 00:34:01,391
Oh, God, I'm running out
of pros.

933
00:34:01,415 --> 00:34:02,499
What about the band?

934
00:34:02,541 --> 00:34:03,893
The band is all set up
and ready to go.

935
00:34:03,917 --> 00:34:05,103
We'll just have to
pay them off.

936
00:34:05,127 --> 00:34:06,211
It's Three Dog Night.

937
00:34:06,253 --> 00:34:08,130
You don't just pay off
Three Dog Night.

938
00:34:08,172 --> 00:34:10,758
And we flew in special
musical guests to join them.

939
00:34:10,799 --> 00:34:12,718
Marvin Gaye, Jim Croce.

940
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:14,344
- Oh, I love Jim Croce.
- I know.

941
00:34:14,386 --> 00:34:17,139
That's why I fucking arranged
to surprise you with Jim Croce.

942
00:34:17,181 --> 00:34:18,807
And Grand Funk Railroad.

943
00:34:18,849 --> 00:34:21,226
Grand Funk Railroad?
The hard rock band?

944
00:34:21,268 --> 00:34:22,686
I don't like
Grand Funk Railroad.

945
00:34:22,728 --> 00:34:25,063
- You told me you did.
- I told you I like funk music,

946
00:34:25,105 --> 00:34:26,106
not Grand Funk Railroad.

947
00:34:26,148 --> 00:34:27,441
Well, they're here,
they're high,

948
00:34:27,483 --> 00:34:28,442
and they're ready to play.

949
00:34:28,484 --> 00:34:30,486
We paid for the cake.

950
00:34:30,527 --> 00:34:32,529
Do we get our money back
for the cake?

951
00:34:33,489 --> 00:34:35,240
I can't go through with this.

952
00:34:35,282 --> 00:34:36,658
Sorry, I just can't.

953
00:34:36,700 --> 00:34:38,136
Well, are you gonna
let him know that?

954
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:39,971
'Cause he thinks he's
getting married in ten minutes.

955
00:34:39,995 --> 00:34:42,915
I can't. I can't be
the one to tell him.

956
00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:44,416
I just can't.

957
00:34:47,127 --> 00:34:51,048
Miriam, I have done a lot
for you over the years.

958
00:34:51,089 --> 00:34:52,466
I jumped onto a subway track

959
00:34:52,508 --> 00:34:54,218
to retrieve your
third-favorite hat.

960
00:34:54,259 --> 00:34:57,054
I came to your apartment at
4:00 a.m. to kill a cockroach.

961
00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:58,347
Turned out to be a raisin.

962
00:34:58,388 --> 00:35:01,266
I've euthanized three
of your elderly pets.

963
00:35:01,308 --> 00:35:04,478
I've wrung out your wet bras
on hotel terraces.

964
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:06,980
I wrestled a Turkish police
officer to the ground,

965
00:35:07,022 --> 00:35:09,525
I kept Ethel Merman
away from you, but this,

966
00:35:09,566 --> 00:35:11,902
this has nothing to do
with your career.

967
00:35:11,944 --> 00:35:14,696
It's your personal life, and
I got to start drawing lines,

968
00:35:14,738 --> 00:35:16,323
and I'm starting today.

969
00:35:16,365 --> 00:35:19,243
I'm sorry, but you get
yourself out of this.

970
00:35:19,284 --> 00:35:22,538
[whimpers]

971
00:35:22,579 --> 00:35:24,748
[crying]

972
00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:29,086
[♪ Jim Croce:
"Time in a Bottle"]

973
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,772
<i>[Susie] She needs someone
to laugh with, Philip,</i>

974
00:35:30,796 --> 00:35:32,422
<i>and you just don't
make her laugh.</i>

975
00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:35,676
Yes, I-I've read <i>Portnoy's Complaint.</i>
It's very funny.

976
00:35:35,717 --> 00:35:37,195
You just don't make her laugh
at the breakfast table.

977
00:35:37,219 --> 00:35:39,388
That's the bottom line.

978
00:35:39,429 --> 00:35:41,407
Then you should have read
<i>Portnoy's Complaint</i> aloud

979
00:35:41,431 --> 00:35:43,392
at the fucking breakfast table,
I don't know.

980
00:35:43,433 --> 00:35:47,437
Here's the thing. She likes
funk, not Grand Funk.

981
00:35:47,479 --> 00:35:48,772
Really, this is your fault

982
00:35:48,814 --> 00:35:50,542
because you picked the name,
it's very confusing.

983
00:35:50,566 --> 00:35:52,609
It was a very expensive cake.

984
00:35:52,651 --> 00:35:54,695
My girl's on the phone
with the cake place now.

985
00:35:54,736 --> 00:35:56,947
It was a very expensive cake.

986
00:35:56,989 --> 00:35:57,990
Maybe they can resell it.

987
00:35:58,031 --> 00:36:01,326
It was a very expensive cake.

988
00:36:01,368 --> 00:36:04,288
I will get you
your money back, I promise.

989
00:36:04,329 --> 00:36:05,765
<i>[Aaron] It took her weeks
to undo the mess,</i>

990
00:36:05,789 --> 00:36:08,000
<i>and the whole thing cost her
a bloody fortune.</i>

991
00:36:08,041 --> 00:36:10,377
The cake was quite pricey.

992
00:36:10,419 --> 00:36:12,629
Yeah.

993
00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,256
<i>[Aaron] She couldn't
resist Midge,</i>

994
00:36:14,298 --> 00:36:15,841
<i>especially when she was
vulnerable.</i>

995
00:36:15,883 --> 00:36:18,343
<i>See, Midge drove herself hard,
and Susie knew it.</i>

996
00:36:18,385 --> 00:36:21,305
<i>She was a perfectionist and took
a lot of risks onstage.</i>

997
00:36:21,346 --> 00:36:23,449
- There's got to be something...
<i>- And, shit, most of 'em paid off.</i>

998
00:36:23,473 --> 00:36:25,118
The cake is customized.
It's a specific flavor...

999
00:36:25,142 --> 00:36:26,452
<i>[Aaron] Susie always had
a tremendous amount</i>

1000
00:36:26,476 --> 00:36:27,978
<i>of respect for her.</i>

1001
00:36:28,020 --> 00:36:30,397
<i>A loyalty that couldn't
be shaken.</i>

1002
00:36:30,439 --> 00:36:32,566
<i>But it was more than that.</i>

1003
00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:35,277
<i>Really, in a way,
it was love.</i>

1004
00:36:35,319 --> 00:36:36,713
[baker] But you don't have
to throw it out.

1005
00:36:36,737 --> 00:36:38,280
You can donate it to a charity.

1006
00:36:38,322 --> 00:36:40,741
<i>[Aaron] And in succeeding years,
three of Philip Roth's</i>

1007
00:36:40,782 --> 00:36:43,744
<i>most loathsome characters
were based directly on Susie.</i>

1008
00:36:43,785 --> 00:36:46,079
Hawaii fucking sucks.

1009
00:36:46,121 --> 00:36:47,956
So what happened?
Anyone know?

1010
00:36:47,998 --> 00:36:49,434
- What happened with what?
- Between Midge and Susie.

1011
00:36:49,458 --> 00:36:51,102
They were inseparable.
What the fuck happened?

1012
00:36:51,126 --> 00:36:52,586
Lost in the fog of war.

1013
00:36:52,628 --> 00:36:55,130
- I don't think anyone knows.
- Anyone alive, at least.

1014
00:36:55,172 --> 00:36:56,423
I do.

1015
00:36:56,465 --> 00:36:59,551
Susie told me one night
when she was drunk.

1016
00:36:59,593 --> 00:37:02,012
A year later,
Midge told me the story

1017
00:37:02,054 --> 00:37:03,764
one night when she was drunk.

1018
00:37:03,805 --> 00:37:05,658
- [Aaron] Well?
- [Ray] Did the stories even match?

1019
00:37:05,682 --> 00:37:08,894
Some things did, some didn't.
But I think I got the gist.

1020
00:37:08,936 --> 00:37:11,647
And where it all happened,
holy shit.

1021
00:37:11,688 --> 00:37:15,192
<i>[cantor] ♪ Da'amiran be'almah ♪</i>

1022
00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:17,569
<i>♪ Ve'imru ♪</i>

1023
00:37:17,611 --> 00:37:20,155
[all] <i>♪ Amen ♪ ♪</i>

1024
00:37:20,197 --> 00:37:22,866
We begin with the silent
Amidah,

1025
00:37:22,908 --> 00:37:26,536
which can be found
on page 382.

1026
00:37:26,578 --> 00:37:29,247
[praying silently]

1027
00:37:29,289 --> 00:37:31,041
Little cutie.

1028
00:37:31,083 --> 00:37:34,461
I couldn't resist.

1029
00:37:34,503 --> 00:37:36,797
- Does Chava scare you, too?
- Huh?

1030
00:37:36,838 --> 00:37:38,966
Corporal Chava, does she
scare the shit out of you?

1031
00:37:39,007 --> 00:37:40,818
'Cause I think one of these days
you're gonna find my body

1032
00:37:40,842 --> 00:37:43,095
in a date tree.

1033
00:37:43,136 --> 00:37:44,805
Hey, you okay?

1034
00:37:44,846 --> 00:37:47,265
It's just really warm in here.

1035
00:37:47,307 --> 00:37:49,518
- And Chava's terrifying.
- [door bangs open loudly]

1036
00:37:49,559 --> 00:37:52,771
Excuse me, gentlemen,
may we help you?

1037
00:37:52,813 --> 00:37:54,272
FBI, Rabbi.

1038
00:37:54,314 --> 00:37:57,526
- [alarmed murmuring]
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

1039
00:37:57,567 --> 00:37:58,902
What? Why?

1040
00:37:58,944 --> 00:38:00,237
I had no idea they'd come here.

1041
00:38:00,278 --> 00:38:01,506
[Ethan] Papa, what's happening?

1042
00:38:01,530 --> 00:38:03,907
[speaking Hebrew] What has
your godless mother done now?

1043
00:38:03,949 --> 00:38:05,593
Damn it, Chava, I understand
a decent amount of Hebrew.

1044
00:38:05,617 --> 00:38:07,497
- Joel, what is going on?
- They're here for me.

1045
00:38:07,536 --> 00:38:10,205
- For you? Why?
- Read this.

1046
00:38:10,247 --> 00:38:12,666
- It's everything you should know.
- Joel.

1047
00:38:12,708 --> 00:38:15,627
- You're looking for me. I'm Joel Maisel.
- Papa.

1048
00:38:15,669 --> 00:38:17,087
Hands behind your back, please.

1049
00:38:17,337 --> 00:38:18,839
I truly hate New York.

1050
00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:20,173
Mr. Maisel, you're under arrest.

1051
00:38:20,215 --> 00:38:21,317
What?! No,
this-this is a mistake.

1052
00:38:21,341 --> 00:38:22,610
You have the right
to remain silent...

1053
00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:25,012
- It's not.
- Joel, what happened?

1054
00:38:25,053 --> 00:38:27,389
- Read the letter.
- You have the right to an attorney.

1055
00:38:27,431 --> 00:38:28,491
I have a criminal attorney.

1056
00:38:28,515 --> 00:38:30,559
Why do you have
a criminal attorney?

1057
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:32,436
- Let's go.
- Joel?!

1058
00:38:32,477 --> 00:38:34,646
[alarmed murmuring]

1059
00:38:34,688 --> 00:38:37,983
[cantor singing in Hebrew]

1060
00:38:38,025 --> 00:38:40,027
[siren wailing in distance]

1061
00:38:43,697 --> 00:38:45,782
You rang?

1062
00:38:45,824 --> 00:38:47,826
Pretty dramatic place to meet.

1063
00:38:47,868 --> 00:38:50,579
Where is everybody?
Where's the family?

1064
00:38:50,620 --> 00:38:52,372
Miriam?

1065
00:38:52,414 --> 00:38:53,790
Joel's been arrested.

1066
00:38:53,832 --> 00:38:56,877
- What? When?
- About an hour ago.

1067
00:38:56,918 --> 00:38:58,712
Right in the middle
of services.

1068
00:38:58,754 --> 00:39:00,547
Holy shit. For what?

1069
00:39:02,591 --> 00:39:05,135
- Oh, I think you know.
- No, I don't.

1070
00:39:05,177 --> 00:39:08,513
Racketeering, wire fraud,
money laundering.

1071
00:39:08,555 --> 00:39:11,266
Jesus, that's...
that's terrible.

1072
00:39:11,308 --> 00:39:12,684
Yes, it is.

1073
00:39:12,726 --> 00:39:14,394
What?

1074
00:39:14,436 --> 00:39:15,979
He did this for me.

1075
00:39:16,021 --> 00:39:17,814
For you?
What are you talking about?

1076
00:39:17,856 --> 00:39:19,608
You sold me to Frank and Nicky.

1077
00:39:19,649 --> 00:39:22,110
- You sold me to the mob.
- I did not.

1078
00:39:22,152 --> 00:39:24,404
And Joel made a trade years ago.

1079
00:39:24,446 --> 00:39:26,406
Him for me. It's all here.

1080
00:39:26,448 --> 00:39:29,201
- Miriam...
- He'll be in jail for years, Susie.

1081
00:39:29,242 --> 00:39:30,368
Now, wait a minute.

1082
00:39:30,410 --> 00:39:32,037
You knew I was involved
with those guys.

1083
00:39:32,079 --> 00:39:33,371
You knew Frank and Nicky.

1084
00:39:33,413 --> 00:39:35,165
But you told me
I was free of them,

1085
00:39:35,207 --> 00:39:38,043
and I wasn't, not until Joel
did what he did.

1086
00:39:38,085 --> 00:39:40,712
Okay, news flash.
This is show business, lady.

1087
00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:43,090
- You lied to me.
- That's show business, too.

1088
00:39:43,131 --> 00:39:44,800
Don't talk down to me.

1089
00:39:44,841 --> 00:39:47,552
When you and I started,
those guys owned everyone.

1090
00:39:47,594 --> 00:39:50,347
Everyone who had no one
looking out for them.

1091
00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:52,099
Oh, now don't talk down to me.

1092
00:39:55,143 --> 00:39:58,271
Who owns you now, Susie, today?

1093
00:39:58,313 --> 00:40:01,191
Who owns me? I own myself.

1094
00:40:01,233 --> 00:40:03,110
- That's not what people tell me.
- What people?

1095
00:40:03,151 --> 00:40:05,529
They say all these casinos
you've been booking me in

1096
00:40:05,570 --> 00:40:08,115
is to pay off
your goddamn gambling debts.

1097
00:40:08,156 --> 00:40:09,967
Oh, so let me get this straight.
You're saying you hate

1098
00:40:09,991 --> 00:40:12,119
those big casino paychecks?

1099
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:13,787
Huh? The suites
with the private pools,

1100
00:40:13,829 --> 00:40:15,288
that's making you feel owned?

1101
00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:17,249
I didn't want to do
those casino gigs, Susie,

1102
00:40:17,290 --> 00:40:20,293
- but you kept pushing and pushing.
- Not true!

1103
00:40:20,335 --> 00:40:22,754
I've been on the road
for 15 years, I needed a break.

1104
00:40:22,796 --> 00:40:24,840
And you slammed me
into three shows a night,

1105
00:40:24,881 --> 00:40:25,966
six nights a week.

1106
00:40:26,007 --> 00:40:28,468
Christmas off, Thanksgiving off,
Hanukkah off!

1107
00:40:28,510 --> 00:40:30,095
No one gets fucking
Hanukkah off.

1108
00:40:30,137 --> 00:40:31,847
Jackie Mason doesn't
get Hanukkah off.

1109
00:40:31,888 --> 00:40:34,474
How much do you owe
Caesars, Susie? Harrah's?

1110
00:40:34,516 --> 00:40:35,934
- Hold on.
- The Flamingo?

1111
00:40:35,976 --> 00:40:37,829
- The Sands?
- Who are these people telling you all of this?

1112
00:40:37,853 --> 00:40:38,812
I want names.

1113
00:40:38,854 --> 00:40:41,565
Why, so you can blackball them?

1114
00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:45,360
- Or worse?
- Or worse?

1115
00:40:45,402 --> 00:40:48,780
Miriam, you know me.
You know who I am.

1116
00:40:48,822 --> 00:40:50,157
Do I?

1117
00:40:50,198 --> 00:40:52,367
Twenty-five years you've
known me. We're friends.

1118
00:40:52,409 --> 00:40:54,911
Friends?

1119
00:40:54,953 --> 00:40:57,622
Boy, that's convenient.

1120
00:40:57,664 --> 00:40:59,291
The first time
you call me a friend

1121
00:40:59,332 --> 00:41:00,667
is when you're caught.

1122
00:41:03,753 --> 00:41:06,006
My team's gonna order
an audit of your books.

1123
00:41:06,047 --> 00:41:08,633
- An audit?
- I hope you don't fight them.

1124
00:41:08,675 --> 00:41:10,260
You used to trust me.

1125
00:41:10,302 --> 00:41:12,637
You sound
like George Toledano now.

1126
00:41:12,679 --> 00:41:14,764
In fact, this is exactly
what he did to Gordon.

1127
00:41:14,806 --> 00:41:16,808
Made deals behind his back.

1128
00:41:16,850 --> 00:41:18,518
It's what got him fired.

1129
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:20,604
You're comparing me
to George Toledano?

1130
00:41:20,645 --> 00:41:23,523
Fuck you!
You are a star because of me.

1131
00:41:23,565 --> 00:41:24,691
Or in spite of you.

1132
00:41:24,733 --> 00:41:27,277
You were a housewife.
You were nothing.

1133
00:41:27,319 --> 00:41:28,778
You should leave.

1134
00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:30,363
I'm not leaving.

1135
00:41:30,405 --> 00:41:32,282
Al is right outside the door.

1136
00:41:32,324 --> 00:41:33,909
Oh, you're gonna have
your security

1137
00:41:33,950 --> 00:41:35,243
escort me out of the building?

1138
00:41:35,285 --> 00:41:37,037
Are you fucking kidding me?!

1139
00:41:39,247 --> 00:41:42,834
Fine. I got what
I needed out of you.

1140
00:41:42,876 --> 00:41:44,085
Wish I could say the same.

1141
00:41:44,127 --> 00:41:47,130
You ungrateful cunt.

1142
00:41:47,172 --> 00:41:51,968
This is how I'm gonna
remember you, Susie.

1143
00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:54,888
Small.

1144
00:41:59,726 --> 00:42:02,020
<i>- [laughter]
- [Stewart] Well, it's that time</i>

1145
00:42:02,062 --> 00:42:03,605
nobody's been waiting for.

1146
00:42:03,647 --> 00:42:07,150
Buckle up, because I bring you
our guest of honor...

1147
00:42:07,192 --> 00:42:09,110
- and she's not here.
- [laughter]

1148
00:42:09,152 --> 00:42:12,530
What the hell?
I thought we locked the doors.

1149
00:42:12,572 --> 00:42:14,574
- [♪ The B-52's: "Roam"]
<i>- ♪ Around the world ♪</i>

1150
00:42:14,616 --> 00:42:18,703
<i>♪ The trip begins
with a kiss...</i>

1151
00:42:18,745 --> 00:42:21,748
I bowl with the gals
from The B-52's.

1152
00:42:21,790 --> 00:42:23,875
I'm gonna tell them
to book you in their next video.

1153
00:42:23,917 --> 00:42:25,418
You're phenomenal.

1154
00:42:25,460 --> 00:42:28,296
- You're up, boss.
- Christ on the cross, all right.

1155
00:42:28,338 --> 00:42:30,298
Adios, amigos.

1156
00:42:30,340 --> 00:42:33,468
<i>♪ Without wings,
without wheels ♪ ♪</i>

1157
00:42:33,510 --> 00:42:34,678
Susie, good.

1158
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:37,013
- Hope everything came out okay.
- [laughter]

1159
00:42:37,055 --> 00:42:39,349
Our guest of honor, everyone,
Susie Myerson.

1160
00:42:39,391 --> 00:42:42,727
[cheering and applause]

1161
00:42:45,522 --> 00:42:48,858
Wow. Over 30 years
in the business,

1162
00:42:48,900 --> 00:42:51,361
and this is who shows up
to celebrate me.

1163
00:42:51,403 --> 00:42:54,739
- It's a real who's who of who gives a fuck.
- [laughter]

1164
00:42:54,781 --> 00:42:56,616
I mean, I haven't been
this uninterested

1165
00:42:56,658 --> 00:42:58,868
in what a group of people
had to say since that time

1166
00:42:58,910 --> 00:43:01,496
- I went to an AA meeting.
- [laughter]

1167
00:43:01,538 --> 00:43:05,667
Now, what's there to say
about Aaron Lebowitz?

1168
00:43:05,709 --> 00:43:09,546
This man has a roster
of some of the best comics

1169
00:43:09,587 --> 00:43:11,548
that I dropped five years ago.

1170
00:43:11,589 --> 00:43:12,549
[laughter]

1171
00:43:12,590 --> 00:43:14,050
They're funnier than that joke.

1172
00:43:14,092 --> 00:43:16,344
Face it, you are
the Jim Belushi of managers

1173
00:43:16,386 --> 00:43:19,347
who couldn't even sign
Jim Belushi.

1174
00:43:19,389 --> 00:43:21,808
And Carmine, wow.

1175
00:43:21,850 --> 00:43:24,102
I will say this.
You have one of the most

1176
00:43:24,144 --> 00:43:25,812
unique acts in comedy.

1177
00:43:25,854 --> 00:43:27,981
Unfortunately
it's Sam Kinison's.

1178
00:43:28,023 --> 00:43:29,816
[laughter]

1179
00:43:29,858 --> 00:43:32,444
Before I got up here,
I found out

1180
00:43:32,485 --> 00:43:34,279
this isn't a paid gig
for any of you,

1181
00:43:34,321 --> 00:43:36,081
which means my ass
isn't getting paid either,

1182
00:43:36,114 --> 00:43:37,532
so I'll make it fucking brief.

1183
00:43:37,574 --> 00:43:38,867
[laughter]

1184
00:43:38,908 --> 00:43:42,245
I'm supposed to say
something sincere now, yeah?

1185
00:43:42,287 --> 00:43:46,583
Okay. Uh, you know,
this is the only business

1186
00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:49,461
that would ever put up
with a bitch like me.

1187
00:43:49,502 --> 00:43:53,840
- Suckers!
- [cheering and applause]

1188
00:43:53,882 --> 00:43:56,217
Always an inspiration.
Thank you, Susie.

1189
00:43:56,259 --> 00:43:57,969
- You get the cream puffs?
- Right here.

1190
00:43:58,011 --> 00:43:59,387
Get my car.

1191
00:43:59,429 --> 00:44:01,473
Now hold it right there,
young lady.

1192
00:44:01,514 --> 00:44:02,867
We got one more thing
to throw at you.

1193
00:44:02,891 --> 00:44:06,603
- Ah, fuck me with a fork.
- [laughter]

1194
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:10,982
We have a special
video tribute. Fun, huh?

1195
00:44:11,024 --> 00:44:12,817
You'll like this.

1196
00:44:12,859 --> 00:44:15,153
Lower the screen, guys.

1197
00:44:15,195 --> 00:44:16,613
Okay, what's the rush?

1198
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:18,698
Do we or do we not have
the latest

1199
00:44:18,740 --> 00:44:21,076
in cutting-edge
technology, people?

1200
00:44:21,117 --> 00:44:23,036
Come on, come on.

1201
00:44:23,078 --> 00:44:24,871
Dim the lights, guys.

1202
00:44:26,915 --> 00:44:28,875
<i>[staticky distorted voice]</i>

1203
00:44:28,917 --> 00:44:31,169
<i>- [Imogene] Fuckity-fuck.</i>
- What the hell is this?

1204
00:44:31,211 --> 00:44:33,713
<i>[distorted voices]</i>

1205
00:44:33,755 --> 00:44:35,965
[audience murmuring]

1206
00:44:38,009 --> 00:44:40,762
<i>[Midge] Forget the tripod,
you're not making</i> Citizen Kane.

1207
00:44:40,804 --> 00:44:41,971
[woman] No. No way in hell.

1208
00:44:44,557 --> 00:44:46,810
[cheering and applause]

1209
00:44:46,851 --> 00:44:49,604
<i>Okay. While my friend
Imogene performs</i>

1210
00:44:49,646 --> 00:44:51,648
<i>variations on scenes
from</i> Chinatown,

1211
00:44:51,689 --> 00:44:52,649
<i>let me proceed.</i>

1212
00:44:52,690 --> 00:44:56,111
<i>So, hey there.</i>

1213
00:44:56,152 --> 00:44:59,489
<i>- Have you had fun trying to avoid saying my name all night?</i>
- [laughter]

1214
00:44:59,531 --> 00:45:01,574
<i>Hope none of you had
the breaded shrimp.</i>

1215
00:45:01,616 --> 00:45:02,968
<i>They've been in the freezer
since the last time</i>

1216
00:45:02,992 --> 00:45:04,577
<i>Jerry Lewis was funny.</i>

1217
00:45:04,619 --> 00:45:06,955
- [laughter]
<i>- You know, I thought about making a sex tape</i>

1218
00:45:06,996 --> 00:45:08,832
<i>just to crank this party
up a notch,</i>

1219
00:45:08,873 --> 00:45:10,810
<i>- but I was afraid it would get laughs.</i>
- [laughter]

1220
00:45:10,834 --> 00:45:13,211
<i>I'm sorry I couldn't
be there in person tonight,</i>

1221
00:45:13,253 --> 00:45:15,088
<i>although I dressed
for the occasion.</i>

1222
00:45:15,130 --> 00:45:16,965
<i>I'm actually in New Mexico.</i>

1223
00:45:17,006 --> 00:45:19,134
<i>- [Imogene] Kansas.
- Kansas. Sorry.</i>

1224
00:45:19,175 --> 00:45:22,846
<i>- I was wondering why New Mexico had a Wizard of Oz museum.</i>
- [laughter]

1225
00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:24,264
<i>Now, a lot of you have said</i>

1226
00:45:24,305 --> 00:45:26,516
<i>a lot of appropriately
inappropriate things</i>

1227
00:45:26,558 --> 00:45:28,017
<i>about Susie Myerson tonight,</i>

1228
00:45:28,059 --> 00:45:29,310
<i>most of which
is probably earned</i>

1229
00:45:29,352 --> 00:45:30,937
<i>and half of which is
probably true,</i>

1230
00:45:30,979 --> 00:45:32,647
<i>so you've got that covered.</i>

1231
00:45:32,689 --> 00:45:34,023
<i>What I'm here to say</i>

1232
00:45:34,065 --> 00:45:38,236
<i>is that Susie made me
what I am today.</i>

1233
00:45:38,278 --> 00:45:42,198
<i>She saw a nervous breakdown
and turned it into a career.</i>

1234
00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:45,034
<i>No, a life.</i>

1235
00:45:45,076 --> 00:45:46,786
<i>I don't know if I ever
really thanked you</i>

1236
00:45:46,828 --> 00:45:48,955
<i>for that, Susie.</i>

1237
00:45:48,997 --> 00:45:51,249
<i>Don't get me wrong,
we had our spats.</i>

1238
00:45:51,291 --> 00:45:54,210
<i>Oh, many, many spats.</i>

1239
00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:57,464
<i>And one really big one
towards the end.</i>

1240
00:45:57,505 --> 00:46:00,175
<i>But we had our good times, too.</i>

1241
00:46:00,216 --> 00:46:02,319
<i>I've gotten to hang out with
some of the funniest people</i>

1242
00:46:02,343 --> 00:46:06,097
<i>on the planet, but no one's
made me laugh like Susie.</i>

1243
00:46:06,139 --> 00:46:07,390
[audience] [scattered] Aw.

1244
00:46:07,432 --> 00:46:09,142
<i>I've gotten
a little nostalgic lately</i>

1245
00:46:09,184 --> 00:46:11,394
<i>thinking about those years.</i>

1246
00:46:11,436 --> 00:46:14,522
<i>Remember the plunger?
Do you have that still?</i>

1247
00:46:14,564 --> 00:46:19,486
<i>And the arthritis telethon
and hiding from Sophie Lennon.</i>

1248
00:46:19,527 --> 00:46:22,280
<i>"Doink"? Remember "doink"?</i>

1249
00:46:22,322 --> 00:46:25,200
<i>And the smell of the Gaslight.</i>

1250
00:46:25,241 --> 00:46:27,285
<i>Jackie.</i>

1251
00:46:27,327 --> 00:46:29,412
<i>I was thinking about Jackie
the other day.</i>

1252
00:46:29,454 --> 00:46:32,248
<i>I still miss that weirdo.</i>

1253
00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:36,544
<i>What do you say...</i>

1254
00:46:36,586 --> 00:46:38,338
<i>What do you say
we get together</i>

1255
00:46:38,379 --> 00:46:40,215
<i>next time I'm back in town?</i>

1256
00:46:40,256 --> 00:46:43,468
<i>We'll meet on neutral turf,
anywhere you want.</i>

1257
00:46:43,510 --> 00:46:44,719
<i>Anywhere but a synagogue.</i>

1258
00:46:44,761 --> 00:46:46,429
<i>The Jews have suffered enough.</i>

1259
00:46:46,471 --> 00:46:48,848
[laughter]

1260
00:46:48,890 --> 00:46:51,893
<i>I hope you want to do that,
and soon, 'cause</i>

1261
00:46:51,935 --> 00:46:55,855
<i>we are not getting any younger.</i>

1262
00:46:55,897 --> 00:46:59,025
<i>So...</i>

1263
00:46:59,067 --> 00:47:01,069
<i>tits up, old friend.</i>

1264
00:47:01,110 --> 00:47:04,030
- [audience] [scattered] Aw.
- Tits up.

1265
00:47:04,072 --> 00:47:08,868
<i>And I hope to see you soon.</i>

1266
00:47:08,910 --> 00:47:11,204
[crying]

1267
00:47:11,246 --> 00:47:13,456
<i>- You got to turn off the camera.</i>
- [laughter]

1268
00:47:13,498 --> 00:47:15,083
<i>[Imogene] I can't find
the button.</i>

1269
00:47:15,124 --> 00:47:17,186
<i>[Midge] It's the same button
you pushed to turn it on.</i>

1270
00:47:17,210 --> 00:47:18,545
<i>[Imogene] Fuckity-fuck.</i>

1271
00:47:18,586 --> 00:47:20,964
<i>[Midge] Right there.
It's the little red...</i>

1272
00:47:21,005 --> 00:47:22,674
How's that for a finale, people?

1273
00:47:22,715 --> 00:47:24,050
[cheering and applause]

1274
00:47:26,094 --> 00:47:28,429
- Get me a number for Midge.
- Her girl just called it in.

1275
00:47:28,471 --> 00:47:30,557
Car's all ready.

1276
00:47:30,598 --> 00:47:32,934
[Stewart] Thank you all
for coming.

1277
00:47:32,976 --> 00:47:35,436
Oh, and no one gets out
without pitching in

1278
00:47:35,478 --> 00:47:36,854
at least a hundred bucks

1279
00:47:36,896 --> 00:47:38,815
to the Jackie Dellapietra
Foundation.

1280
00:47:38,856 --> 00:47:40,024
[Susie] At least.

1281
00:47:40,066 --> 00:47:42,068
[cheering and applause]

1282
00:47:44,779 --> 00:47:46,781
[♪ Elton John: "Love Song"]

1283
00:48:01,212 --> 00:48:02,797
[car door opens]

1284
00:48:02,839 --> 00:48:04,674
Think I'm gonna
walk home, Dennis.

1285
00:48:04,716 --> 00:48:06,551
Nice night for it, ma'am.

1286
00:48:06,593 --> 00:48:08,595
Yeah. Nice night.

1287
00:48:08,636 --> 00:48:11,639
<i>♪ The words I have to say ♪</i>

1288
00:48:11,681 --> 00:48:16,644
<i>♪ May well be simple,
but they're true ♪</i>

1289
00:48:20,231 --> 00:48:23,192
<i>♪ Until you give your love ♪</i>

1290
00:48:23,234 --> 00:48:28,489
<i>♪ There's nothing more
that we can do ♪</i>

1291
00:48:32,994 --> 00:48:37,457
<i>♪ Love is the opening door ♪</i>

1292
00:48:38,583 --> 00:48:44,380
<i>♪ Love is what
we came here for ♪</i>

1293
00:48:44,422 --> 00:48:49,802
<i>♪ No one could offer you more ♪</i>

1294
00:48:49,844 --> 00:48:53,348
<i>♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪</i>

1295
00:48:55,642 --> 00:48:58,853
<i>♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪</i>

1296
00:49:03,483 --> 00:49:06,694
<i>♪ You say it's very hard ♪</i>

1297
00:49:06,736 --> 00:49:11,282
<i>♪ To leave behind
the life we knew ♪</i>

1298
00:49:15,328 --> 00:49:18,414
<i>♪ But there's no other way ♪</i>

1299
00:49:18,456 --> 00:49:22,919
<i>♪ And now it's really
up to you ♪</i>

1300
00:49:28,132 --> 00:49:33,680
<i>♪ Love is the key
we must turn ♪</i>

1301
00:49:33,721 --> 00:49:39,435
<i>♪ Truth is the flame
we must burn ♪</i>

1302
00:49:39,477 --> 00:49:44,816
<i>♪ Freedom the lesson
we must learn ♪</i>

1303
00:49:44,857 --> 00:49:48,277
<i>♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪</i>

1304
00:49:50,613 --> 00:49:55,660
<i>♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪</i>

1305
00:49:55,702 --> 00:49:58,746
<i>[indistinct chatter]</i>

1306
00:49:58,788 --> 00:50:01,249
<i>[vocalizing]</i>

1307
00:50:11,467 --> 00:50:17,348
<i>♪ Love is the opening door ♪</i>

1308
00:50:17,390 --> 00:50:22,979
<i>♪ Love is what we
came here for ♪</i>

1309
00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:27,400
<i>♪ No one could offer you more ♪</i>

1310
00:50:27,442 --> 00:50:31,863
<i>♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪</i>

1311
00:50:34,157 --> 00:50:37,493
<i>♪ Have your eyes really seen? ♪</i>

1312
00:50:39,912 --> 00:50:43,291
<i>♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪ ♪</i>