1
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:08,610
- [television audience laughing]
- Where's Nancy?

2
00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:09,552
The food's getting cold.

3
00:00:09,635 --> 00:00:10,720
- She's got a date.
- Oh.

4
00:00:10,803 --> 00:00:12,304
A date?

5
00:00:12,388 --> 00:00:14,640
With a boy?

6
00:00:14,724 --> 00:00:17,852
Yes, dear, a date. Potatoes?

7
00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:19,478
<i>Don't try to distract
me with potatoes.</i>

8
00:00:19,562 --> 00:00:20,813
<i>[Carole] But you love potatoes.</i>

9
00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:21,915
<i>I don't want
to talk about potatoes.</i>

10
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:24,608
<i>- Okay. Carrots?</i>
- [Moishe laughs]

11
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,777
<i>Carole, our daughter is 15.</i>

12
00:00:26,861 --> 00:00:28,797
<i>- [Carole] Danny...
- No dating till she's married.</i>

13
00:00:28,821 --> 00:00:30,781
<i>Then her husband can
decide when she dates.</i>

14
00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:31,866
[laughs]

15
00:00:31,949 --> 00:00:32,949
I wonder if he's going to

16
00:00:32,992 --> 00:00:33,909
let her go to the dance.

17
00:00:33,993 --> 00:00:34,993
Carole bought her a dress

18
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,120
and she cut the tags.

19
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,973
He's going to have to let
her go to the dance.

20
00:00:37,997 --> 00:00:39,582
Boy, that Nancy is a handful.

21
00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:41,167
Thank God we didn't have a girl.

22
00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:43,627
Ignore Grandma, she's drunk.

23
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,647
[Midge] Well, I think it's
plenty of space for a gathering.

24
00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,524
[Rose] I guess if I move the
dining room table out of here,

25
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,759
I could set up a punch bowl
station and...

26
00:00:49,842 --> 00:00:52,178
There's that smell again.
Is it the drapes?

27
00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:53,345
No, I don't think...

28
00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,656
Anyhow, I'd really
like to be able

29
00:00:54,680 --> 00:00:55,931
to give them dance lessons.

30
00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:56,932
Every girl should know

31
00:00:57,016 --> 00:00:58,225
how to do a proper... [sniffs]

32
00:00:58,309 --> 00:01:00,603
Wait. Is it the carpet?

33
00:01:00,686 --> 00:01:02,831
- I already sniffed down there.
- Where is it coming from?

34
00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:04,124
<i>- Follow me.
- What are you doing?</i>

35
00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,775
<i>I'm gonna race him
down the hall.</i>

36
00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:07,085
- [Moishe laughs]
<i>- I just want to see</i>

37
00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:08,402
<i>if he can outrun me.</i>

38
00:01:08,486 --> 00:01:09,987
<i>Well, of course
he can outrun you.</i>

39
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,631
He's going to give himself
a heart attack.

40
00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:13,157
Thank God we didn't have a girl.

41
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:14,909
They're the worst.

42
00:01:14,992 --> 00:01:15,992
Ignore Grandma, honey.

43
00:01:16,035 --> 00:01:17,369
And Grandpa. Ignore him, too.

44
00:01:17,453 --> 00:01:18,621
[Rose] It's the piano.

45
00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,790
The piano smells like onions?

46
00:01:20,873 --> 00:01:21,957
Just the black keys.

47
00:01:22,041 --> 00:01:23,667
- Shirley?
- [Shirley] Yes?

48
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:25,353
The black keys on the piano
smell like onions.

49
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:27,171
- And?
- Why?

50
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,715
It's a used piano. [laughs]

51
00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:32,510
<i>[Carole] Danny, honestly,
is this really necessary?</i>

52
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,761
You know he's going to be

53
00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:35,364
on <i>The Gordon Ford Show</i>
tomorrow night.

54
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,806
- Danny Stevens? Really?
- Uh-huh.

55
00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:37,807
Oh, my God. I love him.

56
00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:39,558
There's nothing he can't do.

57
00:01:39,642 --> 00:01:41,602
He sings, he dances.

58
00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:43,604
He visits sick children.
Constantly.

59
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:45,767
- Can't stay away from them.
- The sicker the better.

60
00:01:45,815 --> 00:01:47,834
You guys want to come to the
show tomorrow? Watch him live?

61
00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,652
- Are you serious?
- We would love that.

62
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:51,028
How would we get tickets?

63
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,111
Well, lucky for you,

64
00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:53,572
you've got someone
on the inside.

65
00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:55,074
How fabulous. Who?

66
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:56,992
Me. I'm on the inside.

67
00:01:57,076 --> 00:01:59,036
- I don't understand.
- I work on the show.

68
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,839
So, you know someone
who can get us tickets?

69
00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:02,832
Yes. Me.

70
00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:06,627
I can get you tickets.

71
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,003
Because I work on the show.

72
00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:09,087
So I'm there.

73
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,464
I don't know
what she's saying.

74
00:02:10,548 --> 00:02:11,775
[Rose] If I air out that piano,

75
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,217
replace all the artwork,

76
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:14,969
lose the doilies
and the plastic,

77
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:17,596
add some flowers,
some pillows, paint, maybe...

78
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:19,449
- Shirley, I'll think about it.
- Think about what?

79
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,350
Oh, she wants a place
to throw a party

80
00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,161
for those sad, lonely women
who pay her for a husband.

81
00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:25,229
May I just say, thank God
we didn't have a girl.

82
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,189
We sure dodged
a bullet there, boy.

83
00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:30,067
- Ignore Grandma, sweetie.
- Grandpa, too.

84
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,670
<i>- [Danny] Nancy.
- [Nancy] I know, Daddy.</i>

85
00:02:31,694 --> 00:02:33,821
Let's just make that
a blanket rule, shall we?

86
00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:36,073
[Shirley laughs]

87
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,616
[Rose] Thank you again.

88
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:39,326
[Shirley] You're welcome.

89
00:02:39,410 --> 00:02:42,621
Miriam, have whoever's getting
us the tickets give us a call.

90
00:02:42,705 --> 00:02:44,582
I'm getting you the tickets.

91
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,225
- So, they'll call?
- Yes, they'll call.

92
00:02:46,292 --> 00:02:47,835
We're so excit...

93
00:02:47,918 --> 00:02:49,461
[Midge sighs]

94
00:02:49,545 --> 00:02:51,255
So, what's the verdict?

95
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,382
Well, the bathrooms work,
and there's a roof.

96
00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:55,225
You can always just have it
at our apartment.

97
00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:57,136
Too small.
I hired a dance instructor.

98
00:02:57,219 --> 00:02:59,531
- Where will he instruct?
- Then you'll have to rent a hall.

99
00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:01,932
- With what money, Miriam?
- So, skip the dance instructor?

100
00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:05,060
You know absolutely
nothing about love.

101
00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:10,649
[♪ Francis Lai:
"Theme from Love Story"]

102
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,445
[man] Cue the fan.

103
00:03:16,906 --> 00:03:18,949
Close your eyes.

104
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:21,368
Picture "love."

105
00:03:21,452 --> 00:03:24,496
Do you see a handsome,
academic husband?

106
00:03:24,580 --> 00:03:28,792
Children? A modern apartment
with skyline views?

107
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:31,837
Or do you see
a successful orthodontist,

108
00:03:31,921 --> 00:03:35,966
children, and a two-story
colonial somewhere suburban?

109
00:03:37,343 --> 00:03:41,138
Perhaps it's a strapping,
strong, high-end contractor,

110
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,641
children,
in a renovated farmhouse

111
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,726
that makes your heart
skip a beat.

112
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:47,686
Whatever "love"
looks like to you,

113
00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:49,897
I can help you find it.

114
00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:54,652
Here at Rose Weissman's
"One Plus One Equals Love"

115
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,862
- romance emporium...
- [crewman clears throat softly]

116
00:03:56,946 --> 00:03:58,864
...we cater to your every

117
00:03:58,948 --> 00:04:00,532
romantic...

118
00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:02,993
Every romantic...

119
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:06,288
Every... I don't know
what you're doing.

120
00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:07,790
Cut.

121
00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:09,750
[Rose] I'm sorry,
but he's flapping his arms

122
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,502
like he's flying south
for the winter.

123
00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:14,128
What?

124
00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:16,256
So, Rose, you look wonderful.

125
00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:17,841
- Thank you.
- Now, Kurt here

126
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:21,428
was just trying
to tell you to keep moving.

127
00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:23,597
Remember? You got to keep moving

128
00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:26,684
until you hit
this mark, here. You see?

129
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,268
Yes, but it just
feels so awkward,

130
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:29,812
and there are so many stairs.

131
00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,188
Well, you look wonderful.

132
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:32,606
Can't I just do it
from up there?

133
00:04:32,690 --> 00:04:34,108
That's not where
your end light is.

134
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:35,859
Well, maybe if
I didn't have to...

135
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:39,154
You do. But you
really look wonderful.

136
00:04:39,238 --> 00:04:40,656
No.

137
00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:41,865
Miriam?

138
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,325
Coming.

139
00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:47,037
Hi. What's up? It's going great.

140
00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:48,414
- It is?
- Yes.

141
00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:49,516
There's a considerable amount

142
00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:50,708
of groaning from the crew.

143
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,042
- That seems bad.
- Nope.

144
00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:54,044
196 takes is
completely the norm.

145
00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,928
[Rose] This is ridiculous.
I need to lie down.

146
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,840
[Midge] Mama, you wanted this,

147
00:04:57,923 --> 00:05:00,342
remember? You wanted to take
the business regionally.

148
00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:02,511
You wanted
to shoot a commercial.

149
00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:05,931
Hey, everyone. We're doing
great here. Almost ready.

150
00:05:06,015 --> 00:05:07,975
I am not an on-camera person.

151
00:05:08,058 --> 00:05:09,727
Sure you are. Right, Eddie?

152
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,103
She looks wonderful.

153
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,646
He's very good.

154
00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:14,231
I don't understand
why we can't get

155
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:15,524
someone else to play me.

156
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,609
- Like who?
- Doris Day.

157
00:05:17,693 --> 00:05:20,029
Doris Day doesn't
scream "Rose Weissman."

158
00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:21,196
You do it.

159
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:23,574
Your face still has
traces of my face in it,

160
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,325
so it's almost the same face.

161
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:27,911
That's a weird way of
saying "you've had work done."

162
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,580
I'm ruining it.

163
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,790
This whole thing
that you've put together,

164
00:05:31,874 --> 00:05:34,001
I'm ruining it and making
a complete fool of myself

165
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,086
- in the process.
- I'll tell you what.

166
00:05:36,170 --> 00:05:37,546
Forget about the walking.

167
00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,465
You stand here, in your light.

168
00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:41,383
I'll stand there,
next to the camera,

169
00:05:41,467 --> 00:05:42,968
and you can just talk to me.

170
00:05:43,052 --> 00:05:45,054
Stand there and tell me
all about love

171
00:05:45,137 --> 00:05:46,513
and how to get a husband.

172
00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:48,265
Okay, let's roll.

173
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,475
[man] Quiet on set, please.

174
00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:50,878
- Mama...
- [crew member shushing]

175
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,770
...you really do look wonderful.

176
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:56,315
[man 2] "One Plus One
Equals Love," take 197. Mark.

177
00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:59,109
[♪ Francis Lai:
"Theme from Love Story"]

178
00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:02,488
Close your eyes
and picture love...

179
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,744
[Rose] Miriam?

180
00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:10,245
- Miriam?
- [clicking]

181
00:06:10,329 --> 00:06:11,872
[Midge] What?

182
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:13,332
The stove won't light again.

183
00:06:13,415 --> 00:06:14,583
[Midge] Did you turn it on?

184
00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:16,043
Of course I turned it on.

185
00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:17,836
[Midge] Sometimes
you don't turn it on.

186
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,464
One time, I didn't
turn it on. One time.

187
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,424
- Stand still.
- [Rose] What?

188
00:06:22,508 --> 00:06:23,592
Not you.

189
00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:25,427
[Rose] Miriam, why
am I standing still?

190
00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:26,804
- Not you. Esther.
- Ah...

191
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,097
Hold still.

192
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,932
[Midge] Papa, get
Ethan ready to go.

193
00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:31,934
I'm busy with his piano lesson.

194
00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:34,061
[Midge] He needs
to get ready for school.

195
00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:35,872
- [Rose] I can't make tea.
- [Midge] Stop it, Esther.

196
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,290
- [Esther] Ow. Mama, stop.
- This is a good time

197
00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:38,524
to learn how to tune out

198
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,484
everything in your life
but the music.

199
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:41,485
- Ow!
- Stand still.

200
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:42,611
I need some tea!

201
00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:44,571
Have you ever seen
Vladimir Horowitz

202
00:06:44,655 --> 00:06:46,198
hold a toy in one hand

203
00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:48,408
while playing Rachmaninoff
with the other?

204
00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:50,160
I'll answer for you.
You have not.

205
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:51,787
- Papa?
- Abe!

206
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:52,996
I don't like this.

207
00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,915
Well, right now,
no one is enjoying it.

208
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,375
I need help with the stove.

209
00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:57,918
I need help with her hair.

210
00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,628
I'm busy with the boy.

211
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,172
Okay, stop. [sighs]

212
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:04,842
I will play
the piece for you again.

213
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,677
Really listen, huh?

214
00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:09,680
This is what
you are aspiring to.

215
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:13,267
[♪ Mozart: "Sonata K. 545"]

216
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,977
See how nice it sounds
without the car?

217
00:07:16,019 --> 00:07:17,396
Oh, thank God, Zelda.

218
00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:19,124
- [clicking]
- This morning's been a nightmare.

219
00:07:19,148 --> 00:07:20,774
- The pilot's out.
- What?

220
00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:24,069
Miriam, the pilot's out.
Abe, the pilot's out.

221
00:07:24,153 --> 00:07:25,863
It's fine. Easy to fix.

222
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,739
Miriam, it's easy to fix.

223
00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:30,075
Abe, Zelda's here.
She says it's easy to fix.

224
00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:32,661
- What?
- [Rose] Zelda's gonna fix the stove.

225
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:34,454
Well, what's wrong
with the stove?

226
00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:36,123
The pilot light is out,
Mr. Weissman.

227
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,124
[Abe] Zelda?

228
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,207
What are you doing here?

229
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:39,710
She's fixing the stove.

230
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,003
Oh. Okay.

231
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:42,671
So, like I showed you last time,

232
00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:44,590
all you have to do
is light a match, see?

233
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,008
Then you hold it here,

234
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:47,551
turn the knob,
and then it's lit.

235
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,261
My goodness. So complicated.

236
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,596
Not complicated at all.

237
00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:51,906
I showed you before
many, many times.

238
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,515
- Did you look in the book?
- The book?

239
00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:55,517
The book I made you, remember?

240
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,520
All labeled,
and there's pictures.

241
00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:02,191
See, right here under
"No flame in stove for tea"

242
00:08:02,274 --> 00:08:04,401
is "How to fix no flame
in stove for tea."

243
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,237
Very easy. A picture
of teacup and everything.

244
00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:09,156
Yes, well, luckily
it's working now.

245
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,824
Maybe you could try
for next time?

246
00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:13,178
Oh, please, if I did that,
I'd blow the entire building up.

247
00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:14,282
[Midge] Did she fix it yet?

248
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:15,787
[Rose] She did. She's a genius.

249
00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:18,123
Shoot, I wanted to see
her do it. For next time.

250
00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:19,708
It's all in the book I made you.

251
00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:21,186
- [Midge] Where'd that come from?
- I have no idea.

252
00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:23,253
It comes from me.
I made the book.

253
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,797
Oh, look, it has pictures. Fun.

254
00:08:25,881 --> 00:08:27,049
I am double-parked, Zelda.

255
00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:28,508
Oh, do you want
some tea, Janusz?

256
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:29,968
- We have flame.
- No, thank you.

257
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:31,529
- You want to come in, Janusz?
- No. I am fine here.

258
00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:33,156
[both speaking Polish]
Just come in and sit.

259
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,932
I do not want
to come in and sit.

260
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,850
This will just take a minute.

261
00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:39,311
You say that and then we spend
the whole day here.

262
00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:41,021
Oh, my god, you have
to light a match?

263
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:42,981
If I did this, I'd blow
the entire building up.

264
00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,900
You would not blow
the entire building up.

265
00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,693
She might blow
the entire building up.

266
00:08:46,777 --> 00:08:47,945
Then let her.

267
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,029
Janusz.

268
00:08:49,112 --> 00:08:50,155
You want some tea, Miriam?

269
00:08:50,239 --> 00:08:51,341
No, I can't be late
for work today.

270
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:52,824
Danny Stevens is
on the show tonight,

271
00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:55,410
and Gordon warned us to be
on time and bring our A game,

272
00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:56,804
and I have to stop
by Ethan's school

273
00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:58,431
- for this parent thing first.
- Hi, Zelda.

274
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:01,291
- Can you fix this?
- Of course I can.

275
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:03,168
- Zelda.
- What?

276
00:09:03,252 --> 00:09:05,796
You have to stop helping
these people!

277
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,465
- You don't work here anymore.
- It's a little girl's hair.

278
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,236
They didn't know there was
a higher shelf

279
00:09:11,260 --> 00:09:12,928
in the linen closet.

280
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:16,223
- [kettle whistles]
- They forgot how to stack wood in a fireplace.

281
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:19,226
A bird flew in
and they could not think...

282
00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:22,396
...to just open a window
to let it out.

283
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:24,398
They are grown people.

284
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:25,792
They have to learn
to take care of themselves.

285
00:09:25,816 --> 00:09:26,733
They can't!

286
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:28,402
Zelda...

287
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:31,196
Back in the old country...

288
00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:36,493
...when a horse is lame,
it is useless, so you shoot it.

289
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:40,956
This is an entire house full of
extremely lame horses!

290
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,725
- [telephone rings]
- Zelda, could you get that?

291
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:43,792
No.

292
00:09:43,875 --> 00:09:46,336
Do not answer the phone!

293
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,797
[rings]

294
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,799
Mrs. Weissman, excuse me,

295
00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:52,384
but I feel very confident

296
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:55,304
that you know how
to answer a phone.

297
00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:57,055
Oh. Okay.

298
00:09:57,139 --> 00:09:58,515
[rings]

299
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,101
Excuse me,
but I know how to play.

300
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:02,602
[rings]

301
00:10:02,686 --> 00:10:04,771
[Midge] Oh, that's
what a fireplace flue is.

302
00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,231
I've always wondered.

303
00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:09,151
- [Abe] Once more, with feeling.
- Hello?

304
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,486
[Midge] We have a fuse box?

305
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:12,988
What?

306
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,450
Stopper's out, I don't know
why it's not going down.

307
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:17,677
Something is wrong
with the drain.

308
00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:18,952
Don't blame the drain.

309
00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:20,179
The drain was fine
when it got here.

310
00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:21,204
I'm not blaming drain.

311
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,622
It's never the fault
of the drain.

312
00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:23,790
Well, water is pouring into

313
00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:25,542
the Ronbauer's
apartment below us,

314
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,228
and the hallway runner's
officially a goner.

315
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:28,837
- Here, Zelda.
- Thank you, Miss Miriam.

316
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:29,939
[mocking] Thank you,
Miss Miriam.

317
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,163
I really appreciate your help.

318
00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:33,109
It's lucky you were here
when this happened, huh?

319
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,093
Yes, so lucky,
like being a leprechaun.

320
00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,928
Uh-oh, hold the phone.

321
00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:39,348
Here we go. I found it.

322
00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:41,725
This is definitely not
supposed to be in the drain.

323
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:43,352
How did that get in there?

324
00:10:43,435 --> 00:10:45,312
It looks like it
was hammered in.

325
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:46,521
Ethan!

326
00:10:46,605 --> 00:10:48,065
What is this?

327
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,292
- My boat.
- [telephone rings]

328
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:50,396
And what is your boat doing

329
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:51,836
shoved down the drain
of my bathtub?

330
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:52,903
- It sank.
- [Rose] Hello?

331
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,529
Ethan, what have I told you

332
00:10:54,613 --> 00:10:55,989
about putting things
down drains?

333
00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:57,258
- Nothing.
- [Midge] Yes, I have.

334
00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:58,200
When?

335
00:10:58,283 --> 00:10:59,576
I mean...

336
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:00,928
wasn't there a thing
with a marble?

337
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:01,828
That was up my nose.

338
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:03,080
What about the playing cards

339
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,474
you cut up and did
something weird with?

340
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:05,665
That was a drain, wasn't it?

341
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:07,167
- No.
- Oh.

342
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,877
Well, I guarantee,
in the six years

343
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,229
you've been around,
we have discussed

344
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:11,939
shoving things
down the drain at least once.

345
00:11:11,963 --> 00:11:14,466
Even if it was
in the abstract, theoretical,

346
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:16,093
"If you ever get
the chance to, don't"

347
00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,261
sense of the question.

348
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,097
- Okay.
- Okay.

349
00:11:21,515 --> 00:11:22,557
So...

350
00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:24,684
[sighs]

351
00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:28,021
[Rose sighs] That
was the Mendelson's

352
00:11:28,105 --> 00:11:29,314
on the seventh floor.

353
00:11:29,398 --> 00:11:31,316
It's coming through
their ceiling as well.

354
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,120
- Great.
- You should go apologize in person.

355
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:34,820
Their son just
graduated law school.

356
00:11:34,903 --> 00:11:36,071
I will take care of it.

357
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,031
Remember, my event is Monday,

358
00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,242
so this carpet must be
replaced by then.

359
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,786
I cannot expose unmarried
women to nude wood floors.

360
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,287
It would feel like a brothel.

361
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,373
And, of course,
the bathroom must be working.

362
00:11:46,456 --> 00:11:48,542
If not, I'd have
to change my plans again.

363
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,627
- Do you understand?
- What time is it?

364
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,379
I need confirmation
that you understand.

365
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:54,172
Shit. I'm so late. What do I do?

366
00:11:54,256 --> 00:11:55,775
I'm-I'm supposed to be
at Ethan's school.

367
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:57,944
- Mama, can you go?
- I have a million things to do, Miriam.

368
00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,010
Ah...

369
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,431
Papa? You're not busy, right?

370
00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:05,016
Well, I'm due at
the <i>Voice</i> in an hour.

371
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:06,309
So, not busy.

372
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:07,473
Can you take
Ethan to school

373
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:08,437
and then stick around
for the thing?

374
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,105
What's "the thing"?

375
00:12:10,188 --> 00:12:12,149
The thing. Parents come
and stare at the kids.

376
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,584
The teachers
point out their seats,

377
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:14,961
you get a snack,
someone wets their pants.

378
00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:16,778
You're a terrible salesman.

379
00:12:16,862 --> 00:12:18,673
Please? I need to bribe
our neighbors not to unleash

380
00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:20,657
their newly-minted
lawyer son on me.

381
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,868
All right, fine. I will go.

382
00:12:22,951 --> 00:12:25,829
But I'm warning you, the first
person to wet their pants,

383
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:28,623
I'm out of there.
Unless it's a really good snack.

384
00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:29,707
Deal.

385
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:33,670
You can write to him
"Care of <i>The Gordon Ford Show."</i>

386
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:35,991
I don't know how
long it will take

387
00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:38,300
for him to write you back.
He's very busy.

388
00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:40,570
Well, he does
a show every night.

389
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,387
That takes up some time.

390
00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:45,015
Sorry.

391
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,893
My son shoved a toy boat
down the bathtub drain

392
00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,978
and it flooded mine
and the two bathrooms below,

393
00:12:50,061 --> 00:12:52,314
and 7 and 8C, especially,
are not enemies

394
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,648
I can afford to have.

395
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:56,318
My floors are warped,
my runner's ruined,

396
00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,528
my mother's throwing
a matchmaking mixer on Monday

397
00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:00,780
and she's panicked
the runner won't be replaced

398
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:02,008
and the bathroom
won't be working,

399
00:13:02,032 --> 00:13:03,492
and for some reason
my in-laws' piano

400
00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,327
smells like a bialy.

401
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:09,623
So, how about the tits
on Ursula Andress, huh?

402
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:10,892
Sorry, what were you discussing?

403
00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,334
The tits on Raquel Welch.

404
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,752
- Anita Ekberg.
- Ann-Margaret.

405
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:14,753
Danny Stevens.

406
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:16,671
I mean, not his...

407
00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:18,632
Anyhow, we're talking
Danny's spot tonight.

408
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:19,859
He's coming on
to plug his new book.

409
00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:22,177
Ah, big gold star for you.

410
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:23,553
Now, as you know, Danny...

411
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:25,037
- Gave me my first job.
- First job.

412
00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:26,616
- Great guy.
- Great guy. - In-laws love him.

413
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,099
Well, he did and he is.

414
00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:29,935
So, I want him
set up to succeed.

415
00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:31,537
His writers may be
working on material,

416
00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:34,147
but be ready
in case it falls to us.

417
00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:35,857
- I have a question.
- Yes, Mel.

418
00:13:35,941 --> 00:13:37,418
How many minutes
do you think it will take

419
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:38,920
for Adam to give
Danny his screenplay?

420
00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:39,861
- [Ralph] Ten?
- [Cecil] I say eight.

421
00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:40,820
[Alvin] No longer than four.

422
00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,280
Does anyone know
a good tile man?

423
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:43,990
Midge, we're mocking Adam here.

424
00:13:44,074 --> 00:13:45,301
- Sorry.
- [Mel] One of these days, you're gonna

425
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:46,928
have to decide,
are you in or are you out?

426
00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:47,994
[laughter]

427
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,478
[Mike] Uh, everyone
to the railings.

428
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,252
To the railings, people.

429
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:01,216
Great.

430
00:14:01,299 --> 00:14:03,468
As many of you know,

431
00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:06,179
I am now officially
the new producer

432
00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:07,782
- of <i>The Gordon Ford Show.</i>
- [scattered applause]

433
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:09,599
Thank you.

434
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:10,892
I just wanted to take a moment

435
00:14:10,976 --> 00:14:13,728
to say a few words as
we begin this transition.

436
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:16,648
Though the departure
of George Toledano

437
00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:20,819
was abrupt and upsetting
to some of you,

438
00:14:20,902 --> 00:14:23,697
I want to assure you
that I am fired up

439
00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,198
and ready to assume the mantle.

440
00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:28,577
Being a good leader
requires not just experience,

441
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:31,288
but empathy, instincts,

442
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,665
a cool head. And...

443
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:37,460
Gordon.

444
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,337
Hello.

445
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,756
Hey, Mike.
You look great up there.

446
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,550
New suit?

447
00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:44,884
Ah...

448
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:47,012
just the coat.

449
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:48,805
Oh. Please, continue.

450
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,974
Oh, no. I'm-I'm done.

451
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,660
[Gordon] What? No.
You called us to the railings.

452
00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:53,810
We're at the railings.

453
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:57,147
Last thing I heard
was, um, "cool head."

454
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,523
[laughter]

455
00:14:58,607 --> 00:14:59,941
Well, I...

456
00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:02,360
just wanted you
to know I'm ready,

457
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:05,322
and I'm, uh...

458
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,491
I'm here for anyone who

459
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,118
needs...

460
00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,745
something.

461
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:13,622
[laughs weakly]

462
00:15:13,705 --> 00:15:15,749
Uh, my office
used to be down there,

463
00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:18,293
but now it's up here.

464
00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:20,271
It's actually still
a little bit down there, too,

465
00:15:20,295 --> 00:15:22,172
since there was no place up here

466
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,257
to put the guest board.

467
00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,636
So, if you need to look
at the board, it's down there,

468
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:30,430
but if you-you need me,

469
00:15:30,513 --> 00:15:33,350
I'm up here.
Or down there, sometimes.

470
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,310
When I need
to look at the board.

471
00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:36,728
So...

472
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:39,439
Thanks.

473
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,816
Oh, wait, official new producer,

474
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,109
I have a question.

475
00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:45,987
Any plans to add
more ashtrays to the lobby?

476
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:47,739
- [crowd laughs]
- Not that I'm aware of.

477
00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:48,990
Aw, too bad.

478
00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:50,867
- I think we could use two more.
- [laughter]

479
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:51,868
I can find out where
they sell them.

480
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,036
I saw a kid

481
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,663
lick the elevator
button this morning.

482
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:55,914
[laughter]

483
00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:57,791
I'll tell maintenance.

484
00:15:57,874 --> 00:15:59,334
I have this receipt

485
00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:00,770
from dinner last night.
Do I give that to you?

486
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:01,961
Okay, I'm leaving now.

487
00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:03,630
[Gordon] Wait,
official new producer,

488
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,256
can we leave, too?

489
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,425
Yes.

490
00:16:07,509 --> 00:16:09,052
[laughter, applause]

491
00:16:13,932 --> 00:16:15,052
- Boy.
- [indistinct chatter]

492
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,393
[man] First day on the job.

493
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:19,270
[whistles]

494
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:26,653
[♪ Barbra Streisand: "Who's
Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf"]

495
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:29,823
<i>♪ Who's afraid of
the big bad wolf? ♪</i>

496
00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:32,325
<i>♪ The big bad wolf,
the big bad wolf ♪</i>

497
00:16:32,409 --> 00:16:34,661
<i>♪ Who's afraid of
the big bad wolf? ♪</i>

498
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,413
<i>♪ Tra-la-la-la-la...</i>

499
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:38,873
We have the finest
school library in New York.

500
00:16:38,957 --> 00:16:40,417
We're very proud of that.

501
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,460
This year, a very
esteemed alumnus

502
00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:45,422
bequeathed us his entire
collection of first editions.

503
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:46,798
Yes?

504
00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:48,216
This is a delicious snack.

505
00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:49,509
I'm glad you like it.

506
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:51,219
Crunchy and creamy and nutty.

507
00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:52,762
Just a terrific combination.

508
00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:54,597
Do the children
get the same snack?

509
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:55,807
They do.

510
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,642
This is a very good school.

511
00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:00,228
Okay, I want
to show you all something

512
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:02,522
we're very proud of here.

513
00:17:02,605 --> 00:17:06,860
This is what we call
our "Free To Be" time.

514
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:08,945
A portion of each day
is set aside

515
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,239
for the students
to devote to one subject

516
00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:13,241
they particularly excel in.

517
00:17:13,324 --> 00:17:16,411
This is our engineering group.

518
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:18,163
They are building
a model of a hotel

519
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:20,623
that caters exclusively to pets.

520
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:23,960
Every room has a patio
and built-in water dishes.

521
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,421
Here's our math group.

522
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:28,631
They have one minute
to solve a problem.

523
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:31,801
The one who solves
the most equations wins a prize.

524
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:33,344
And, go!

525
00:17:33,428 --> 00:17:36,181
[Mrs. Moyers] Our reading
group reads a book a week,

526
00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:38,183
then they write a play
dramatizing it,

527
00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:40,935
and perform it at lunch
in the teachers' lounge.

528
00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:43,271
The astronomy group
is over there.

529
00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:46,065
They're selling candy bars
to buy a new telescope.

530
00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:49,736
I've put on ten pounds,
all in the name of science.

531
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:52,906
Now, over here we have
our language group.

532
00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:56,534
They are currently
reading <i>Madeline</i> in French.

533
00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:58,077
Mrs. Moyers?

534
00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:00,121
Yes, Mr. Weissman?

535
00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:02,081
What is that group over there?

536
00:18:02,165 --> 00:18:04,167
Oh, that's the happy group.

537
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:06,461
- I'm sorry, what?
- The happy group.

538
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,880
But what do they excel in?

539
00:18:08,963 --> 00:18:10,924
They excel in being happy.

540
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,634
I don't understand.

541
00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:14,427
They build a hotel,

542
00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:16,095
they're buying telescopes,

543
00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:17,615
they're basically
a fully-functioning

544
00:18:17,639 --> 00:18:20,433
summer stock company,
and that table,

545
00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:22,060
the one my grandson is at,

546
00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:23,645
- is just...
- Happy.

547
00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:26,940
They're just walking
in a circle.

548
00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:28,107
Yes.

549
00:18:28,191 --> 00:18:30,068
- Why?
- It makes them happy.

550
00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:31,069
Oh, Mrs. Foster,

551
00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:33,154
this is Mr. Weissman.

552
00:18:33,238 --> 00:18:35,156
Ethan is his grandson.

553
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,033
Ethan's one of
the happiest kids we've got.

554
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,577
Ethan has a wand.
Is he the leader?

555
00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:40,995
There are no leaders.

556
00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:42,515
A hierarchy wouldn't
make them happy.

557
00:18:42,539 --> 00:18:44,415
Who decided these groups?

558
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,684
The children take
an aptitude test

559
00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:46,811
at the beginning of each year.

560
00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:48,103
The test determines
their strengths,

561
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,146
and that determines
their groups.

562
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:51,631
I'm sorry,
there's been a mix-up.

563
00:18:51,714 --> 00:18:53,609
- A clerical error.
- There's no reason to be upset.

564
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,302
He's walking in a circle.
That's it.

565
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:59,097
Mr. Weissman, Ethan is
a sweet, healthy young man

566
00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:00,723
who also happens to be happy.

567
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:02,475
So, so happy.

568
00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:03,911
Maybe the happiest child
in the whole school.

569
00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:05,079
Maybe the happiest child
we've ever had.

570
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:06,020
In all my years of teaching,

571
00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:07,355
I have never met a child

572
00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:08,439
quite as happy as Ethan.

573
00:19:08,523 --> 00:19:09,774
I insist he be tested again.

574
00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:10,942
Well, next year.

575
00:19:11,025 --> 00:19:12,610
No, not next year. Now.

576
00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:14,863
- Mr. Weissman...
- I was a tenured professor

577
00:19:14,946 --> 00:19:16,614
at Columbia University.

578
00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:18,408
I worked at Bell Labs.

579
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,410
I have 12 patents pending.

580
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,745
That is my grandson.
He's a Weissman.

581
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,957
There is no possible way
he's happy.

582
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:28,960
[men laughing]

583
00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:30,312
[Danny] The whole
network is there.

584
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:32,463
The cast, the crew,
Philip and Morris,

585
00:19:32,547 --> 00:19:33,923
staring right at us.

586
00:19:34,007 --> 00:19:35,717
I say the line. Big laughs.

587
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,052
Suddenly, a pisher
from the end of the table

588
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:40,013
pipes up and says,
"It's l'chaim,

589
00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:41,681
not la-chaim, Mr. Stevens."

590
00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:43,433
First job. First job, okay?

591
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,226
So, I look over
at this altar boy

592
00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:46,495
sitting there in
his father's suit...

593
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,187
It was my father's suit.

594
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:50,624
...and I thought, "The kid's
got balls. He reminds me of me."

595
00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:52,108
So, I fired him.

596
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,359
[laughter]

597
00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,028
Well, hello.

598
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:57,089
- [Alvin] Ah, Midge.
- Sorry, just had to fix my face.

599
00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:59,449
Danny, may I present
our resident lady writer,

600
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,532
Midge Maisel.

601
00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:01,910
Hi. I'm a big fan.

602
00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:03,536
I'm in your seat, aren't I?

603
00:20:03,620 --> 00:20:05,747
Well, technically,
they're all owned by NBC.

604
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,165
Nope, I know the rules.

605
00:20:07,248 --> 00:20:09,459
Taking an established seat
in a writers' room

606
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,044
is like correcting
a man's Hebrew

607
00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:12,503
when you're from Nebraska.

608
00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:14,839
- Wisconsin.
- There's room here, Mr. Stevens.

609
00:20:14,923 --> 00:20:17,008
I'm fine. I actually
came in to ask a favor.

610
00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:18,593
Anything you want, Mr. Stevens.

611
00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:20,154
I wish you could see
yourself right now.

612
00:20:20,178 --> 00:20:21,488
[Danny] Tonight,
I appear on your show.

613
00:20:21,512 --> 00:20:23,723
No one's surprised? Good.
You're professionals.

614
00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:24,849
Now, normally

615
00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:26,643
I'm plugging a gig,
I'm in Vegas,

616
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,478
there's a new season
of my TV show,

617
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,688
but this time, I wrote a book.

618
00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:32,732
- Ah.
- That's the book.

619
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:34,275
I am an author.

620
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,527
Like Dickens, if he
grew up in Bensonhurst.

621
00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:38,613
- [laughter]
<i>- A Tale of Two Cities</i> sold

622
00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:39,840
over a hundred million copies,

623
00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:41,449
so I got to sell
a hundred and one.

624
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:42,617
I must kill.

625
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,118
With that in mind,

626
00:20:44,202 --> 00:20:46,371
I am going to read to you
the jokes handed to me

627
00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:49,540
by my team of professional
comedy writers this morning.

628
00:20:49,624 --> 00:20:50,917
I'd like your opinion.

629
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,669
We are here for you, Danny.
Right, boys?

630
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,337
- [Alvin] Midge?
- Hell no.

631
00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:55,964
Bastard tried to steal my seat.

632
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:57,423
Funny.

633
00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:01,010
Uh, "Kennedy just
established the Peace Corps.

634
00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:03,388
Now boring kids
can be popular, too."

635
00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,098
Next.

636
00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:07,558
"Barbie gets a boyfriend. Ken.

637
00:21:07,642 --> 00:21:09,978
I don't think it's gonna last.
He seems a little fake."

638
00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:11,187
You still with me?

639
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,689
<i>"The Apartment</i>

640
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:14,357
won the Academy Award
for best picture.

641
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,067
Next year, <i>The Sublet."</i>

642
00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:18,486
- [writers groan]
- Okay, so, in your unbiased opinion,

643
00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:20,947
do you think my writers hate me?

644
00:21:21,030 --> 00:21:22,230
We can come up with new jokes.

645
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:24,409
You know, every time
you make an appearance

646
00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:25,910
on a talk show, you do jokes.

647
00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:27,787
I'm a comedian. If I came on

648
00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:29,914
and pulled Gordon's
wisdom tooth, it'd be weird.

649
00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:31,582
- [writers laugh]
- Yes, but,

650
00:21:31,666 --> 00:21:34,043
now you want people to read
a book about your life.

651
00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:36,879
Why not talk about your life?
Talk about your parents.

652
00:21:36,963 --> 00:21:38,297
Sure. Where's the funny?

653
00:21:38,381 --> 00:21:40,216
It's interesting. It's real.

654
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,760
If it's interesting and real,
you can find the funny.

655
00:21:42,844 --> 00:21:44,220
Oh, great. Homework. Thanks.

656
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,055
Excuse me, Danny?
Gordon's ready for you.

657
00:21:46,139 --> 00:21:48,558
Thank you, sweetheart.
Kids, find me some jokes.

658
00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,768
Open your notebooks,
check under the couch cushions,

659
00:21:50,852 --> 00:21:52,478
channel your drunk uncle Marvin.

660
00:21:52,562 --> 00:21:53,938
Get me those laughs.

661
00:21:54,022 --> 00:21:55,481
Take me to your leader.

662
00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:57,942
No.

663
00:21:59,193 --> 00:22:01,070
[Mrs. Moyers] It's very
unusual that a student

664
00:22:01,154 --> 00:22:02,864
actually does worse
the second time.

665
00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:07,994
Across the board on the math,
English, science, logic.

666
00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:10,246
But he did spell his name
correctly this time,

667
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,057
which is a big improvement
over the last test,

668
00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:14,167
so that's exciting.

669
00:22:14,250 --> 00:22:16,502
I just don't understand.

670
00:22:16,586 --> 00:22:18,463
We threw this new test
at him out of the blue,

671
00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:19,756
he probably panicked.

672
00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:21,132
Plus, we took his wand away.

673
00:22:21,215 --> 00:22:22,341
That couldn't have helped.

674
00:22:22,425 --> 00:22:23,885
But he's a Weissman.

675
00:22:23,968 --> 00:22:26,012
It's just one test.
It doesn't mean anything.

676
00:22:26,095 --> 00:22:29,182
Except he's not good in math,
science, English, or logic.

677
00:22:29,265 --> 00:22:30,683
Or days of the week.

678
00:22:30,767 --> 00:22:33,770
[sighs] I feel like I'm
in an alternate universe.

679
00:22:33,853 --> 00:22:35,813
Like I'm in <i>The Twilight Zone</i>

680
00:22:35,897 --> 00:22:38,191
without Rod Serling
here to guide me.

681
00:22:38,274 --> 00:22:39,484
Look, Mr. Weissman,

682
00:22:39,567 --> 00:22:42,070
unfortunately, taking
this test again now,

683
00:22:42,153 --> 00:22:44,280
so soon after
he took the first one,

684
00:22:44,363 --> 00:22:46,365
will mean this score
will replace

685
00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:47,950
his old one on his record.

686
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:51,829
Grandpa, glitter
sticks to your face.

687
00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:54,332
But rest assured,

688
00:22:54,415 --> 00:22:56,751
he hasn't lost his spot
in the happy group.

689
00:22:58,294 --> 00:23:00,797
<i>- [audience applauds]
- [upbeat music plays]</i>

690
00:23:04,258 --> 00:23:05,676
[Shirley] Miriam.

691
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:08,721
- Hey, you made it.
- Yes, well, we were late.

692
00:23:08,805 --> 00:23:10,449
[Moishe] We wanted to make
sure there were actual tickets

693
00:23:10,473 --> 00:23:12,159
before we parked the car,
so I dropped her off.

694
00:23:12,183 --> 00:23:13,660
So I was supposed
to come out and wave to him

695
00:23:13,684 --> 00:23:14,703
if I had the tickets,
and he would park.

696
00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:16,020
But it was raining.

697
00:23:16,104 --> 00:23:18,106
So, I go out, if I didn't
see him, I'd go back in.

698
00:23:18,189 --> 00:23:19,941
Meanwhile, I drive by,
I didn't see her,

699
00:23:20,024 --> 00:23:21,150
so I drove around the block.

700
00:23:21,234 --> 00:23:22,314
We kept missing each other.

701
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:23,486
She goes out, I'm not there.

702
00:23:23,569 --> 00:23:24,779
she goes in, I drive by,

703
00:23:24,862 --> 00:23:26,340
she's not there,
once more around the block.

704
00:23:26,364 --> 00:23:27,573
Two hours, we did this.

705
00:23:27,657 --> 00:23:29,617
Finally, I gave up and parked.

706
00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:31,452
Thank God the tickets were
waiting for us

707
00:23:31,536 --> 00:23:33,121
right where you said they'd be.

708
00:23:33,204 --> 00:23:35,289
- I told you.
- Oh, listen, could you point out

709
00:23:35,373 --> 00:23:37,875
the person that got them for us?
We want to thank them.

710
00:23:37,959 --> 00:23:40,253
Hey, show's starting, Shirley.

711
00:23:40,336 --> 00:23:41,254
Wait, here, wait.

712
00:23:41,337 --> 00:23:42,797
I made Danny a sandwich.

713
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,298
Give it to him.

714
00:23:44,382 --> 00:23:46,175
[man] And we're back in five,

715
00:23:46,259 --> 00:23:48,302
four, three...

716
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:51,180
[theme music plays]

717
00:23:55,935 --> 00:23:57,145
And we're back, folks.

718
00:23:57,228 --> 00:23:58,563
Our first guest is the star

719
00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:00,690
of the very popular
<i>The Danny Stevens Show.</i>

720
00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:02,441
He's a nightclub performer,

721
00:24:02,525 --> 00:24:03,776
an award-winning producer,

722
00:24:03,860 --> 00:24:05,820
but the title he thinks
describes him the best

723
00:24:05,903 --> 00:24:07,864
is "America's sweetheart."

724
00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:09,407
Ladies and gentleman,
Danny Stevens.

725
00:24:09,490 --> 00:24:11,367
[cheering, applause]

726
00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:19,250
- Hey, there he is.
- I left out dancing.

727
00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:21,210
- You did.
- I always leave out the dancing.

728
00:24:24,547 --> 00:24:25,547
Ah.

729
00:24:25,590 --> 00:24:27,133
Danny, Danny, Danny.

730
00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:28,926
[as Cary Grant] Gordy,
Gordy, Gordy.

731
00:24:29,010 --> 00:24:30,428
[laughter]

732
00:24:30,511 --> 00:24:32,281
- It's great to have you here.
- It's great to be back.

733
00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:33,740
I love what you've
done with the place.

734
00:24:33,764 --> 00:24:35,683
I've done absolutely
nothing with the place.

735
00:24:35,766 --> 00:24:37,143
Well, it works.

736
00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:38,978
"Absolutely nothing"
works for you.

737
00:24:39,061 --> 00:24:40,688
[Gordon] You know,
I caught your show

738
00:24:40,771 --> 00:24:42,982
at the Copa last month.
It was great.

739
00:24:43,065 --> 00:24:44,168
- [audience applauds]
- Thank you.

740
00:24:44,192 --> 00:24:45,377
And your show's
still going strong,

741
00:24:45,401 --> 00:24:46,402
and now I hear

742
00:24:46,485 --> 00:24:47,862
you've written a book.

743
00:24:47,945 --> 00:24:49,363
I have.

744
00:24:49,447 --> 00:24:51,207
Got to get that book.
I got to get that book.

745
00:24:51,282 --> 00:24:52,342
How was it, writing a book?

746
00:24:52,366 --> 00:24:54,368
Well, it was very
quiet, peaceful.

747
00:24:54,452 --> 00:24:56,579
Uh, you don't need pants,
so that's a plus.

748
00:24:56,662 --> 00:24:59,040
Just like you.
You don't wear pants.

749
00:24:59,123 --> 00:25:00,934
But it's different writing
about your real life.

750
00:25:00,958 --> 00:25:03,336
You have to remember things.
Names, dates.

751
00:25:03,419 --> 00:25:05,129
Then you have to change
the names and dates

752
00:25:05,213 --> 00:25:06,672
so you don't get sued.

753
00:25:06,756 --> 00:25:09,133
- [audience laughs]
- Wow. Are these your parents?

754
00:25:09,217 --> 00:25:12,011
- Yes, that is Mitta and Joseph.
- [audience] Aw...

755
00:25:12,094 --> 00:25:13,888
And that's after
their number came in.

756
00:25:13,971 --> 00:25:15,306
[laughter]

757
00:25:15,389 --> 00:25:17,058
But, see,
my parents were immigrants.

758
00:25:17,141 --> 00:25:18,935
Tough. Very tough people.

759
00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:21,437
They had to be,
because life gave them nothing.

760
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,731
They didn't have a bed,
they had a rock.

761
00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:25,854
- [audience laughs]
- They had to flee their village

762
00:25:25,900 --> 00:25:27,652
when men in boots
on horses rode in saying,

763
00:25:27,735 --> 00:25:29,278
"Hey, what's flammable here?"

764
00:25:29,362 --> 00:25:30,988
- [laughter]
- [Gordon] That's terrible.

765
00:25:31,072 --> 00:25:33,050
[Danny] They strapped everything
they owned onto their backs

766
00:25:33,074 --> 00:25:35,284
and took off
through forests and rivers,

767
00:25:35,368 --> 00:25:37,203
over mountains, all on foot.

768
00:25:37,286 --> 00:25:39,080
Snowstorms, bear attacks.

769
00:25:39,163 --> 00:25:40,456
I can't imagine it.

770
00:25:40,539 --> 00:25:41,975
If there's a line
at Barney Greengrass,

771
00:25:41,999 --> 00:25:43,417
I have a nervous breakdown.

772
00:25:43,501 --> 00:25:45,661
[Gordon] Well, if they run
out of that good sturgeon...

773
00:25:45,711 --> 00:25:47,338
[Danny] Exactly.
Finally, my parents

774
00:25:47,421 --> 00:25:49,257
get to Ellis Island
where they were

775
00:25:49,340 --> 00:25:50,925
immediately quarantined
for two months.

776
00:25:51,008 --> 00:25:51,926
Why?

777
00:25:52,009 --> 00:25:53,009
They were sick.

778
00:25:53,052 --> 00:25:54,345
They had everything.

779
00:25:54,428 --> 00:25:56,264
Typhoid, pneumonia, malaria.

780
00:25:56,347 --> 00:25:58,307
They were so sick,
the immigration agent

781
00:25:58,391 --> 00:26:01,185
changed their name to...
[coughs dramatically]

782
00:26:01,269 --> 00:26:02,728
[audience laughs]

783
00:26:02,812 --> 00:26:04,772
I can't go by that name
in show business.

784
00:26:04,855 --> 00:26:05,982
Too Jewish.

785
00:26:06,023 --> 00:26:08,109
[laughter]

786
00:26:08,192 --> 00:26:09,235
Finally get out,

787
00:26:09,318 --> 00:26:10,903
move to a tenement on Delancey,

788
00:26:10,987 --> 00:26:13,155
- and proceed to have nine children.
- [Gordon] Ooh.

789
00:26:13,239 --> 00:26:14,699
Because, as my mother said,

790
00:26:14,782 --> 00:26:16,867
[with accent] "Even if you
can't afford the movies,

791
00:26:16,951 --> 00:26:18,511
Saturday night is
still going to happen.

792
00:26:18,577 --> 00:26:20,121
You got to do something."

793
00:26:21,330 --> 00:26:22,873
[Gordon] Interesting philosophy.

794
00:26:22,957 --> 00:26:24,268
[Danny] She was
an interesting woman.

795
00:26:24,292 --> 00:26:27,378
Not a lot of hugs,
but a survivor.

796
00:26:27,461 --> 00:26:29,380
She worked every
day of her life.

797
00:26:29,463 --> 00:26:30,965
When I was in sixth grade,

798
00:26:31,048 --> 00:26:33,718
she got a job
driving a laundry truck.

799
00:26:33,801 --> 00:26:35,136
One day, she was coming home,

800
00:26:35,219 --> 00:26:36,846
my father was
crossing the street,

801
00:26:36,929 --> 00:26:40,057
he tripped, fell,
and she ran right over him.

802
00:26:40,141 --> 00:26:41,827
- [audience gasps]
- Oh, my God. Was he okay?

803
00:26:41,851 --> 00:26:43,060
Oh, sure.

804
00:26:43,144 --> 00:26:44,824
I mean, he was dead,
but other than that...

805
00:26:44,895 --> 00:26:47,189
- [laughing]
- Is that funny?

806
00:26:47,273 --> 00:26:48,899
That is the worst story
I've ever heard.

807
00:26:48,983 --> 00:26:52,069
Two of her kids died,
two others in jail.

808
00:26:52,153 --> 00:26:55,364
What family she had left
was wiped out by the Nazis.

809
00:26:55,448 --> 00:26:57,491
Yet, through all of that,

810
00:26:57,575 --> 00:26:59,201
all the trials and tribulations,

811
00:26:59,285 --> 00:27:01,996
the only time
I ever saw my mother cry

812
00:27:02,079 --> 00:27:05,124
was the day I told her
I was going to be a comedian.

813
00:27:05,207 --> 00:27:07,376
[audience laughs, applauds]

814
00:27:10,296 --> 00:27:12,482
[♪ Ella Fitzgerald: "Let's
Take a Walk Around the Block"]

815
00:27:12,506 --> 00:27:14,425
<i>♪ Someday we'll
go places you...</i>

816
00:27:14,508 --> 00:27:15,988
The cigarette machine
is broken again.

817
00:27:16,052 --> 00:27:18,095
It ate my money, so I cried,

818
00:27:18,179 --> 00:27:20,139
and they opened it up,
and I took everything.

819
00:27:20,222 --> 00:27:22,350
- Remind me to bring you to the bank sometime.
- Ah.

820
00:27:22,433 --> 00:27:25,019
[Danny] There she is.
Wonder Woman.

821
00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:27,020
Is he talking about me?

822
00:27:27,063 --> 00:27:28,105
I certainly hope so.

823
00:27:28,189 --> 00:27:30,316
[Danny] Midge, get over here.

824
00:27:30,399 --> 00:27:32,044
Okay, but if this is
about someone stealing

825
00:27:32,068 --> 00:27:34,046
all of Toots' cigarettes,
I know nothing about that.

826
00:27:34,070 --> 00:27:34,987
You should ask Mel.

827
00:27:35,071 --> 00:27:36,280
[Mel] Hey, I heard that.

828
00:27:36,364 --> 00:27:38,032
You sit right here next to me.

829
00:27:38,115 --> 00:27:39,492
- You have to move, Alvin.
- Sorry.

830
00:27:39,575 --> 00:27:41,202
She's not going
to sit on your lap.

831
00:27:41,285 --> 00:27:42,661
I'm moving. I've moved.

832
00:27:42,745 --> 00:27:44,205
[Midge] Sorry, Alvin.

833
00:27:44,288 --> 00:27:46,058
- [Danny] Just find a spot, Alvin.
- [Alvin] Yup.

834
00:27:46,082 --> 00:27:48,000
- [Danny] Any spot.
- [Alvin] Okay.

835
00:27:48,084 --> 00:27:49,251
[Danny] A wall, a post,

836
00:27:49,335 --> 00:27:50,252
- a sturdy waitress.
- I'm out of the way.

837
00:27:50,336 --> 00:27:51,879
- Hello.
- Hello.

838
00:27:51,962 --> 00:27:54,090
Good? Good.
I am buying you a drink.

839
00:27:54,173 --> 00:27:55,216
Oh, I have a drink.

840
00:27:55,299 --> 00:27:56,717
That is not a proper drink.

841
00:27:56,801 --> 00:27:58,511
She will have whatever
Shirley Temple drank

842
00:27:58,594 --> 00:28:00,971
right after Judy Garland
got <i>The Wizard of Oz.</i>

843
00:28:01,055 --> 00:28:02,055
[laughs]

844
00:28:02,098 --> 00:28:03,766
Tonight was a triumph.

845
00:28:03,849 --> 00:28:05,017
It went very well.

846
00:28:05,101 --> 00:28:06,477
You, you did this.

847
00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:08,729
- No, you did this.
- Did what?

848
00:28:08,813 --> 00:28:11,357
Gordon, this woman here
is like a brave explorer,

849
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:13,776
daring to find what
no one has found before.

850
00:28:13,859 --> 00:28:15,569
A bit that works.

851
00:28:15,653 --> 00:28:17,113
I think you're exaggerating.

852
00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:18,989
You're Amerigo Vespucci,
Sir Walter Raleigh,

853
00:28:19,073 --> 00:28:21,283
Amelia Earhart...
if she'd made it.

854
00:28:21,367 --> 00:28:22,785
[laughs]

855
00:28:22,868 --> 00:28:24,429
I'm sorry, how do you two
know each other?

856
00:28:24,453 --> 00:28:25,472
We met in the writers' room.

857
00:28:25,496 --> 00:28:26,640
Writers' room? My writers' room?

858
00:28:26,664 --> 00:28:27,790
I went in there
a broken man

859
00:28:27,873 --> 00:28:28,874
and came out a king.

860
00:28:28,958 --> 00:28:30,102
You were in the writers' room?

861
00:28:30,126 --> 00:28:31,228
She said,
"Tell your family's story."

862
00:28:31,252 --> 00:28:32,562
When were you
in the writers' room?

863
00:28:32,586 --> 00:28:34,022
She told me if it's interesting,
you'll find the funny.

864
00:28:34,046 --> 00:28:35,399
They barely let me
in the writers' room.

865
00:28:35,423 --> 00:28:36,632
Just doing my job.

866
00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:38,759
[Danny] Yes, your job.

867
00:28:38,843 --> 00:28:39,969
Well, cheers.

868
00:28:42,346 --> 00:28:43,681
Cheers.

869
00:28:45,057 --> 00:28:46,660
Listen, I'd like
to throw something out there,

870
00:28:46,684 --> 00:28:47,977
just a thought.

871
00:28:48,060 --> 00:28:49,704
I have a couple of
new projects in the works

872
00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:52,273
that I am producing, and
I think you would be perfect.

873
00:28:52,356 --> 00:28:53,417
- For what?
- Do you know Loretta Young?

874
00:28:53,441 --> 00:28:54,859
Only from temple.

875
00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:57,445
[chuckles] I'm developing
a situation comedy for her.

876
00:28:57,528 --> 00:28:58,654
Is Loretta Young funny?

877
00:28:58,737 --> 00:28:59,905
With the right material,

878
00:28:59,989 --> 00:29:02,408
she will be. Gene Tierney
also wants to do TV.

879
00:29:02,491 --> 00:29:03,534
You know Gene Tierney?

880
00:29:03,617 --> 00:29:05,161
- Sure I do.
- These are big stars.

881
00:29:05,244 --> 00:29:06,996
They do a show,
people will watch.

882
00:29:07,079 --> 00:29:08,789
I was wondering...

883
00:29:08,873 --> 00:29:10,541
if you would like
to come work for me.

884
00:29:10,624 --> 00:29:12,102
- [both] What?
- You can pick your job.

885
00:29:12,126 --> 00:29:13,711
Whatever show you want,
you choose.

886
00:29:13,794 --> 00:29:14,962
Oh, I am not a script writer.

887
00:29:15,045 --> 00:29:16,088
She's a joke writer.

888
00:29:16,172 --> 00:29:17,631
- Very different.
- Night and day.

889
00:29:17,715 --> 00:29:19,234
If it's interesting, you can
find the funny.

890
00:29:19,258 --> 00:29:20,176
Who said that?

891
00:29:20,259 --> 00:29:22,595
I was talking about you.

892
00:29:22,678 --> 00:29:24,555
No, you were talking
about story. Character.

893
00:29:24,638 --> 00:29:26,932
That is script writing.
Also, you're a woman.

894
00:29:27,016 --> 00:29:28,476
These are shows starring women.

895
00:29:28,559 --> 00:29:29,578
Who better to write for them?

896
00:29:29,602 --> 00:29:31,979
Danny, what are you doing?

897
00:29:32,062 --> 00:29:33,063
I'm offering her a job.

898
00:29:33,147 --> 00:29:34,148
She already has a job.

899
00:29:34,231 --> 00:29:35,524
And now she has a better one.

900
00:29:35,608 --> 00:29:37,651
This is a good job.
She makes good money here.

901
00:29:37,735 --> 00:29:39,195
She'll make better money
with me.

902
00:29:39,278 --> 00:29:40,380
Oh, really? How do you know?

903
00:29:40,404 --> 00:29:41,590
Because I'll ask her
how much she makes here,

904
00:29:41,614 --> 00:29:42,865
and then I'll give her more.

905
00:29:42,948 --> 00:29:44,950
You're poaching my writers
from me? Seriously?

906
00:29:45,034 --> 00:29:46,178
Only this one.
You can keep the rest.

907
00:29:46,202 --> 00:29:48,162
- Sorry, Alvin.
- No problem.

908
00:29:48,245 --> 00:29:49,705
No, no, no, no.
No, no. I found her.

909
00:29:49,788 --> 00:29:51,499
So, what, finders keepers?

910
00:29:51,582 --> 00:29:53,226
- Okay, boys...
- This town is filled with great writers.

911
00:29:53,250 --> 00:29:54,335
Why are you doing this?

912
00:29:54,418 --> 00:29:56,420
This isn't personal, Gordon.

913
00:29:56,504 --> 00:29:58,172
It's not? You put
your drinks on my tab.

914
00:29:58,255 --> 00:29:59,924
Well, fine,
I'll pay for my drinks.

915
00:30:00,007 --> 00:30:01,217
Look, there are rules.

916
00:30:01,300 --> 00:30:02,218
[Danny] What rules?

917
00:30:02,301 --> 00:30:04,178
Just... rules of society.

918
00:30:04,261 --> 00:30:06,555
Oh, please, fuck that.
I see talent, I go after it.

919
00:30:06,639 --> 00:30:08,140
Talent? [scoffs]

920
00:30:08,224 --> 00:30:09,743
I don't think
it's her talent you want.

921
00:30:09,767 --> 00:30:11,007
- Gordon.
- What does that mean?

922
00:30:11,060 --> 00:30:12,162
Oh, you know what that means.

923
00:30:12,186 --> 00:30:13,938
I'm married, schmucko.

924
00:30:14,021 --> 00:30:15,707
And I don't care
who the fuck's writing for her,

925
00:30:15,731 --> 00:30:18,067
Loretta Young is not now
and never will be funny,

926
00:30:18,150 --> 00:30:19,443
and only an idiot
would think so.

927
00:30:19,527 --> 00:30:21,487
Should we compare bank accounts?

928
00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:23,197
That's it. Get up.

929
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,241
Are you kidding me?
I was a boxer in the Army.

930
00:30:25,324 --> 00:30:28,077
You were a boxer
in a movie about the Army.

931
00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:29,537
At least I'm from Brooklyn.

932
00:30:29,620 --> 00:30:30,955
You're Canadian.

933
00:30:31,038 --> 00:30:32,748
We moved there when I was five.

934
00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:34,416
Hey, guys. People are watching.

935
00:30:34,500 --> 00:30:35,626
Hey, what's going on here?

936
00:30:35,709 --> 00:30:38,420
Gordon, you starting shit again?

937
00:30:38,504 --> 00:30:40,005
I'll throw you
right out of here.

938
00:30:40,089 --> 00:30:41,465
Do it, Toots.

939
00:30:41,549 --> 00:30:43,193
Last time, you threw
your back out for a month.

940
00:30:43,217 --> 00:30:45,427
That was a pre-existing
condition, you son of a bitch.

941
00:30:45,511 --> 00:30:47,471
- [crowd exclaims]
- [Gordon] All right.

942
00:30:47,513 --> 00:30:49,515
- [indistinct chatter]
- [bells tolling]

943
00:30:52,518 --> 00:30:54,270
[Abe] It's back here somewhere.

944
00:30:54,353 --> 00:30:55,896
Wait.

945
00:30:55,980 --> 00:30:57,856
Ah! Got it.

946
00:30:59,191 --> 00:31:00,693
You can't be too careful.

947
00:31:00,776 --> 00:31:02,736
Herman from Icelandic studies

948
00:31:02,820 --> 00:31:05,573
can sniff out a good brandy
a mile away.

949
00:31:05,656 --> 00:31:08,242
Here we go.

950
00:31:11,078 --> 00:31:13,414
We toast to your wedding

951
00:31:13,497 --> 00:31:15,457
and to your wife.

952
00:31:16,792 --> 00:31:19,128
- To Miriam.
- To Miriam.

953
00:31:20,796 --> 00:31:21,796
Mmm.

954
00:31:21,839 --> 00:31:23,674
Now, Joel,

955
00:31:23,757 --> 00:31:25,718
I asked you
to meet me here today

956
00:31:25,801 --> 00:31:28,929
because I have something very
important to discuss with you.

957
00:31:29,013 --> 00:31:30,097
Okay.

958
00:31:30,180 --> 00:31:32,891
My daughter is going
to want children.

959
00:31:32,975 --> 00:31:34,393
Yes. Three before 30.

960
00:31:34,476 --> 00:31:35,394
What?

961
00:31:35,477 --> 00:31:37,021
It's just what she says.

962
00:31:37,104 --> 00:31:38,439
Three before 30.

963
00:31:38,522 --> 00:31:40,608
Three kids before she's 30,
so she'll spring back.

964
00:31:40,691 --> 00:31:43,152
I'd like to just go past that,
if you don't mind.

965
00:31:43,235 --> 00:31:45,070
- Fine with me.
- As I was saying,

966
00:31:45,154 --> 00:31:47,281
you will have three children,

967
00:31:47,364 --> 00:31:50,701
and, in all probability,
one will be a boy.

968
00:31:50,784 --> 00:31:52,620
Hey, we'll name him Joel Jr.

969
00:31:52,703 --> 00:31:54,079
You won't.

970
00:31:54,163 --> 00:31:55,497
Now, you need to know

971
00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:57,541
there are certain gifts

972
00:31:57,625 --> 00:31:59,710
that are inevitably passed on

973
00:31:59,793 --> 00:32:01,503
to the first-born male

974
00:32:01,587 --> 00:32:04,131
of each Weissman branch
of the family.

975
00:32:04,214 --> 00:32:05,466
Gifts? Like an inheritance?

976
00:32:05,549 --> 00:32:09,678
Weissman boys are born
with immense intellect.

977
00:32:09,762 --> 00:32:12,556
So great it will
stagger your mind.

978
00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:14,141
It will happen slowly.

979
00:32:14,224 --> 00:32:15,434
You won't notice it at first,

980
00:32:15,517 --> 00:32:18,604
but then, by the age of six,

981
00:32:18,687 --> 00:32:20,522
it will kick in. Quite suddenly.

982
00:32:20,606 --> 00:32:23,484
- Six.
- You should've seen me when I was five.

983
00:32:23,567 --> 00:32:25,778
Just a slow-witted embarrassment

984
00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:27,488
to my entire family,

985
00:32:27,571 --> 00:32:29,198
and then I turned six.

986
00:32:29,281 --> 00:32:30,658
The rest is history.

987
00:32:31,867 --> 00:32:34,953
Now, this is a record

988
00:32:35,037 --> 00:32:36,872
of every generation

989
00:32:36,955 --> 00:32:39,875
of first-born Weissman men
and their accomplishments.

990
00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:42,086
And prepare yourself. [laughs]

991
00:32:42,169 --> 00:32:43,962
It's a barn-burner.

992
00:32:44,046 --> 00:32:46,131
We've got doctors, lawyers,

993
00:32:46,215 --> 00:32:48,258
scientists, kings,

994
00:32:48,342 --> 00:32:50,636
at least one oboist,
five writers,

995
00:32:50,719 --> 00:32:53,847
an archaeologist,
one very creative murderer...

996
00:32:53,931 --> 00:32:55,450
Wait, my first-born
won't be a Weissman.

997
00:32:55,474 --> 00:32:56,767
- What?
- He'll be a Maisel.

998
00:32:56,850 --> 00:32:58,686
- I'm a Maisel.
- Doesn't matter.

999
00:32:58,769 --> 00:33:00,354
Miriam's a Weissman.

1000
00:33:00,437 --> 00:33:02,564
Her genes will
overwhelm your genes.

1001
00:33:02,648 --> 00:33:04,316
Your first-born son

1002
00:33:04,400 --> 00:33:06,568
is going to be a genius,

1003
00:33:06,652 --> 00:33:08,487
and you are going
to have to deal with it.

1004
00:33:08,570 --> 00:33:11,365
I promise he will have
the best education possible.

1005
00:33:11,448 --> 00:33:12,700
Oh, schools don't matter.

1006
00:33:12,783 --> 00:33:15,869
What matters is
a total lack of input

1007
00:33:15,953 --> 00:33:19,957
from you to the child
before he turns six.

1008
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:21,750
What?

1009
00:33:21,834 --> 00:33:24,670
Basically, ignore him
till he addresses you first.

1010
00:33:24,753 --> 00:33:25,921
I can't talk to my own kid?

1011
00:33:26,004 --> 00:33:27,798
Of course you can.

1012
00:33:27,881 --> 00:33:29,341
Once he turns six.

1013
00:33:29,425 --> 00:33:31,427
Before that, zip it.

1014
00:33:31,510 --> 00:33:32,761
How do I communicate with him?

1015
00:33:32,845 --> 00:33:34,221
Miriam can do it.

1016
00:33:34,304 --> 00:33:37,141
Or, if it's really important,
you can leave a note.

1017
00:33:37,224 --> 00:33:40,144
Abe, this sounds crazy.

1018
00:33:40,227 --> 00:33:43,313
Trust me, we did not
get a book like this

1019
00:33:43,397 --> 00:33:45,441
by talking to our sons.

1020
00:33:45,524 --> 00:33:48,026
- Wait...
- I completely ignored Noah

1021
00:33:48,110 --> 00:33:49,278
for five years.

1022
00:33:49,361 --> 00:33:51,280
The morning
of his sixth birthday,

1023
00:33:51,363 --> 00:33:52,573
he picked up a violin,

1024
00:33:52,656 --> 00:33:54,992
he was playing Mozart
in two weeks.

1025
00:33:55,075 --> 00:33:56,553
I've never heard Noah
play the violin.

1026
00:33:56,577 --> 00:33:57,578
He doesn't need to,

1027
00:33:57,661 --> 00:33:59,538
he's already done it.
Understand?

1028
00:33:59,621 --> 00:34:00,706
- Not at all.
- Good.

1029
00:34:00,789 --> 00:34:02,708
So, we have a plan.

1030
00:34:02,791 --> 00:34:04,960
Welcome to the family, Joel.

1031
00:34:05,043 --> 00:34:09,047
Now, drink up before
Herman sniffs us out.

1032
00:34:09,131 --> 00:34:10,466
[chuckles]

1033
00:34:10,549 --> 00:34:12,269
[Astrid] We were going
to start in the fall,

1034
00:34:12,301 --> 00:34:13,741
but then I had a dream
that a snowman

1035
00:34:13,802 --> 00:34:15,429
was trying to stab me
with his carrot.

1036
00:34:15,512 --> 00:34:16,555
[Rose] Quite a shock.

1037
00:34:16,638 --> 00:34:18,724
[Midge] Papa, come sit down.

1038
00:34:18,807 --> 00:34:20,601
Having another baby.

1039
00:34:20,684 --> 00:34:21,685
[Rose] It's so exciting.

1040
00:34:21,769 --> 00:34:22,978
Isn't it?

1041
00:34:23,061 --> 00:34:24,813
Trying to have
another baby. Trying.

1042
00:34:24,897 --> 00:34:26,249
I can't believe bathroom
appliances come in

1043
00:34:26,273 --> 00:34:27,900
so many pretty colors now.

1044
00:34:27,983 --> 00:34:29,693
Our lives are,
once again, nothing but

1045
00:34:29,777 --> 00:34:33,572
doctors and daily shots
and dirty magazines.

1046
00:34:33,655 --> 00:34:35,157
What about dirty magazines?

1047
00:34:35,240 --> 00:34:37,075
[Noah] Nothing, Mama.

1048
00:34:37,159 --> 00:34:38,919
I'm just saying
it's stressful and expensive.

1049
00:34:38,994 --> 00:34:40,287
And hopefully a girl.

1050
00:34:40,370 --> 00:34:41,705
It will be worth it.

1051
00:34:41,789 --> 00:34:43,248
[Noah] I naively thought,
second kid,

1052
00:34:43,332 --> 00:34:45,751
surely there's
some sort of discount,

1053
00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:49,087
like maybe they could reuse
a test tube or something.

1054
00:34:49,171 --> 00:34:51,673
You do not want a doctor
that reuses a test tube.

1055
00:34:51,757 --> 00:34:55,177
I'm okay with three to five
previously used test tubes.

1056
00:34:55,260 --> 00:34:56,420
Astrid, are you hearing this?

1057
00:34:56,470 --> 00:34:57,822
No, I haven't heard
anything he's said

1058
00:34:57,846 --> 00:34:59,741
for the last two months.
What color are you going to get?

1059
00:34:59,765 --> 00:35:01,242
I think a pink toilet
would be amazing.

1060
00:35:01,266 --> 00:35:03,185
- What's wrong with your toilet?
- Nothing.

1061
00:35:03,268 --> 00:35:04,788
Well, then, why would
you get a new toilet?

1062
00:35:04,812 --> 00:35:06,080
Because I have
to get a new bathtub.

1063
00:35:06,104 --> 00:35:07,189
- So?
- They won't match.

1064
00:35:07,272 --> 00:35:09,274
Does that matter?

1065
00:35:09,358 --> 00:35:11,109
Can you pass the lox?

1066
00:35:12,736 --> 00:35:15,697
Why didn't you ever mention
Ethan's aptitude test?

1067
00:35:15,781 --> 00:35:16,907
His what?

1068
00:35:16,990 --> 00:35:18,992
His aptitude test.

1069
00:35:19,076 --> 00:35:21,370
They give every child
in his school an aptitude test

1070
00:35:21,453 --> 00:35:22,663
at the beginning of the year.

1071
00:35:22,746 --> 00:35:25,332
- Oh, how'd he do?
- He failed.

1072
00:35:25,415 --> 00:35:29,294
They say he has the potential
for nothing but happiness.

1073
00:35:29,378 --> 00:35:31,588
Is that bad?

1074
00:35:31,672 --> 00:35:33,632
Ethan is a first-born
Weissman male.

1075
00:35:33,715 --> 00:35:36,593
A first-born Weissman male
is expected to excel.

1076
00:35:36,677 --> 00:35:38,887
They are not
expected to be happy.

1077
00:35:38,971 --> 00:35:40,347
I'm sorry,
just because he's happy

1078
00:35:40,430 --> 00:35:41,890
doesn't mean he won't excel.

1079
00:35:41,974 --> 00:35:43,308
[Abe] Of course it does.

1080
00:35:43,392 --> 00:35:44,977
Not one person who has ever

1081
00:35:45,060 --> 00:35:46,728
accomplished anything
of worth in life

1082
00:35:46,812 --> 00:35:48,230
has ever been happy.

1083
00:35:48,313 --> 00:35:50,816
- That can't be true.
- [Moishe] Name me one

1084
00:35:50,899 --> 00:35:52,442
cheerful man of science.

1085
00:35:52,526 --> 00:35:54,653
One sunny artist of worth.

1086
00:35:54,736 --> 00:35:57,322
One giddy Founding Father.

1087
00:35:57,406 --> 00:35:59,491
Benjamin Franklin.
Didn't he get laid a lot?

1088
00:35:59,575 --> 00:36:01,827
- Miriam, in front of the baby?
- Yes, he did,

1089
00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:03,537
but given all his
great accomplishments,

1090
00:36:03,620 --> 00:36:05,956
I guarantee you,
he didn't enjoy it.

1091
00:36:06,039 --> 00:36:07,499
Why are you getting so upset?

1092
00:36:07,583 --> 00:36:09,501
Your son

1093
00:36:09,585 --> 00:36:12,713
flunked his aptitude test.

1094
00:36:12,796 --> 00:36:15,507
I saw the score. He basically

1095
00:36:15,591 --> 00:36:17,259
has no aptitude.

1096
00:36:17,342 --> 00:36:19,112
It seemed like, half the time,
he was trying to write

1097
00:36:19,136 --> 00:36:21,179
with the eraser side
of the pencil.

1098
00:36:21,263 --> 00:36:23,515
- He's just a little boy.
- A little boy

1099
00:36:23,599 --> 00:36:26,268
who marches
in a circle all day,

1100
00:36:26,351 --> 00:36:28,687
oblivious to what
the future holds.

1101
00:36:28,770 --> 00:36:31,523
And the only thing
his mother seems to care about

1102
00:36:31,607 --> 00:36:34,192
is a ridiculous pink toilet.

1103
00:36:34,276 --> 00:36:35,652
What's wrong with a pink toilet?

1104
00:36:35,736 --> 00:36:37,529
A toilet is not
supposed to be pink.

1105
00:36:37,613 --> 00:36:40,013
- [Midge] Why not?
- Because a toilet is supposed to be white.

1106
00:36:40,073 --> 00:36:42,576
A pink toilet is still
a toilet, except it's fun.

1107
00:36:42,659 --> 00:36:46,705
Not everything
is supposed to be fun.

1108
00:36:46,788 --> 00:36:49,333
Not everything
needs to make you smile.

1109
00:36:49,416 --> 00:36:51,752
Sometimes you just have

1110
00:36:51,835 --> 00:36:53,420
- to use a toilet.
- [door slams]

1111
00:36:53,462 --> 00:36:56,089
They call and you come running.

1112
00:36:56,173 --> 00:36:57,674
Like a well-trained Spaniel.

1113
00:36:57,758 --> 00:36:58,800
Stop it, Janusz.

1114
00:36:58,884 --> 00:37:01,011
We should get you a leash
and a chew toy.

1115
00:37:01,094 --> 00:37:02,304
Shut it!

1116
00:37:02,387 --> 00:37:04,431
That is a linen closet.

1117
00:37:04,514 --> 00:37:07,309
The linen closet is where
you keep the tablecloths.

1118
00:37:07,392 --> 00:37:09,561
And the sheets,
and the pillowcases,

1119
00:37:09,645 --> 00:37:10,997
and it's all in the book
I made you,

1120
00:37:11,021 --> 00:37:12,522
that sits untouched
in the kitchen.

1121
00:37:12,606 --> 00:37:13,708
Zelda, did you by any chance...

1122
00:37:13,732 --> 00:37:16,026
Yes, I brought
the baby-making herbs.

1123
00:37:16,109 --> 00:37:17,653
- Oh!
- I will now go into the kitchen

1124
00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:20,447
and I will cook you your tea
so you can give Chaim a sister.

1125
00:37:20,530 --> 00:37:21,841
- Thank you.
- [Zelda] And once I'm done,

1126
00:37:21,865 --> 00:37:24,326
we are going home
to call the phone company

1127
00:37:24,409 --> 00:37:27,287
to come take our phone.
We don't want it anymore!

1128
00:37:29,039 --> 00:37:32,501
This is why they always want
to kill the fancy folks.

1129
00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:33,961
I like her new uniform.

1130
00:37:34,044 --> 00:37:36,505
- Hello? I'm here.
- [Rose] Hello, Joel.

1131
00:37:36,588 --> 00:37:38,840
Sorry I'm a little late.
I had to wait for a delivery.

1132
00:37:38,924 --> 00:37:41,802
What did you do to your son?

1133
00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:42,970
What are you talking about?

1134
00:37:43,053 --> 00:37:45,514
Have you been talking to him?

1135
00:37:45,597 --> 00:37:47,349
[Midge] Papa,
you're acting crazy.

1136
00:37:47,432 --> 00:37:49,226
I assure you,
this is not an act.

1137
00:37:49,309 --> 00:37:51,186
- Tell me.
- Of course I've been talking to him.

1138
00:37:51,269 --> 00:37:53,021
You've seen me talk to him.
He's my son.

1139
00:37:53,105 --> 00:37:55,357
I told you specifically

1140
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:58,151
the less said to him
before the age of six,

1141
00:37:58,235 --> 00:37:59,955
- the better, did I not?
- You were serious?

1142
00:37:59,987 --> 00:38:02,280
Of course I was serious.
Why wouldn't I be serious?

1143
00:38:02,364 --> 00:38:03,573
Because that's nuts.

1144
00:38:03,657 --> 00:38:05,701
I told you about the bloodlines.

1145
00:38:05,784 --> 00:38:07,786
- The Weissman gift.
- Abe, that's all bullshit.

1146
00:38:07,869 --> 00:38:09,204
There's no magic gift.

1147
00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:11,790
Oh, no, Joel, there is
absolutely a Weissman gift.

1148
00:38:11,873 --> 00:38:13,959
Did you see the Weissman
first-born male book?

1149
00:38:14,042 --> 00:38:16,586
Oh, wait. Was that the book
Zelda was talking about?

1150
00:38:16,670 --> 00:38:19,214
Why would Zelda talk about the
Weissman first-born male book?

1151
00:38:19,297 --> 00:38:21,675
I don't know, she just keeps
going on and on about a book.

1152
00:38:21,758 --> 00:38:23,260
There is nothing
wrong with Ethan.

1153
00:38:23,343 --> 00:38:25,012
Have you seen his group?

1154
00:38:25,095 --> 00:38:26,179
What group?

1155
00:38:26,263 --> 00:38:28,348
He is apparently in
a happy group in school.

1156
00:38:28,432 --> 00:38:29,683
What's wrong with that?

1157
00:38:29,766 --> 00:38:32,310
I can't believe it.
He's ruined the bloodline.

1158
00:38:32,394 --> 00:38:34,062
- Oh, no. Really?
- We don't know that.

1159
00:38:34,146 --> 00:38:36,523
Well, what's
the explanation, then, Rose?

1160
00:38:36,606 --> 00:38:38,442
What explains Ethan's happiness?

1161
00:38:38,525 --> 00:38:40,402
Maybe he's a late bloomer.

1162
00:38:40,485 --> 00:38:42,529
- Maybe he'll get miserable later.
- Six is the age.

1163
00:38:42,612 --> 00:38:45,282
But Pop, I thought there were
a few Weissman first-born males

1164
00:38:45,365 --> 00:38:46,658
that didn't kick in until seven.

1165
00:38:46,742 --> 00:38:49,327
Remember? That, uh,
really distant cousin

1166
00:38:49,411 --> 00:38:51,180
who helped pave the way
for the X-ray machine?

1167
00:38:51,204 --> 00:38:54,541
Well, yes, but there were
extenuating circumstances.

1168
00:38:54,624 --> 00:38:56,626
You had the Franco-Prussian
War going on.

1169
00:38:56,710 --> 00:38:57,979
But it kicked in
eventually, right?

1170
00:38:58,003 --> 00:38:59,254
Well, I hope so.

1171
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:00,773
I was so counting
on Chaim being smart.

1172
00:39:00,797 --> 00:39:02,517
- He will be, honey.
- But what if he's not?

1173
00:39:02,591 --> 00:39:04,301
Oh, God, Noah, what if he's dumb

1174
00:39:04,384 --> 00:39:05,695
and we have to spend our
lives pretending he's smart

1175
00:39:05,719 --> 00:39:07,220
like the Kirchner's
down the street?

1176
00:39:07,304 --> 00:39:09,473
The chain has not been broken.

1177
00:39:09,556 --> 00:39:10,474
What if our daughter
is stupid, too,

1178
00:39:10,557 --> 00:39:11,475
and then we have two dummies

1179
00:39:11,558 --> 00:39:12,809
just running around the house?

1180
00:39:12,893 --> 00:39:15,187
Well, at least they can
be friends with Ethan.

1181
00:39:15,270 --> 00:39:16,772
- Hey.
- Yeah.

1182
00:39:16,855 --> 00:39:18,940
Can everyone stop talking
about how stupid my kid is?

1183
00:39:19,024 --> 00:39:21,068
This is an old wives' tale.

1184
00:39:21,151 --> 00:39:24,196
Ethan, get your sister
and let's go.

1185
00:39:24,279 --> 00:39:26,698
Now, this is the last time
I want to hear anybody

1186
00:39:26,782 --> 00:39:29,576
say anything bad about
my son's happiness. Am I clear?

1187
00:39:29,659 --> 00:39:31,036
Say, "Goodbye."

1188
00:39:31,119 --> 00:39:32,871
Goodbye.

1189
00:39:32,954 --> 00:39:35,624
[clucking like a chicken]
Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

1190
00:39:35,707 --> 00:39:38,919
- Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
- [sobbing quietly]

1191
00:39:39,002 --> 00:39:41,254
Bye, bye, bye, bye.

1192
00:39:41,338 --> 00:39:43,566
[♪ Count Basie and Joe Williams:
"Alright, Okay, You Win"]

1193
00:39:43,590 --> 00:39:45,008
<i>♪ Well, all right, okay...</i>

1194
00:39:45,092 --> 00:39:46,968
I love twins.

1195
00:39:47,052 --> 00:39:48,780
You are not supposed
to tell us what you have.

1196
00:39:48,804 --> 00:39:51,473
- I don't know. I don't know.
- I didn't tell you what I had.

1197
00:39:51,556 --> 00:39:53,141
"I love twins"
means you have a pair.

1198
00:39:53,225 --> 00:39:54,976
No, it means I love two things

1199
00:39:55,060 --> 00:39:56,478
that are identical
to each other.

1200
00:39:56,561 --> 00:39:57,813
Like douchebags and you.

1201
00:39:57,896 --> 00:39:58,730
[Pete] Okay, I'm out,
while I can still send

1202
00:39:58,814 --> 00:40:00,357
at least one kid to college.

1203
00:40:00,440 --> 00:40:02,484
I'm in. It's just money, Pete.

1204
00:40:02,567 --> 00:40:04,462
Says the youngest executive
in talk show history.

1205
00:40:04,486 --> 00:40:06,822
Not the youngest.
One of the youngest.

1206
00:40:06,905 --> 00:40:07,906
- Call.
- Call.

1207
00:40:07,989 --> 00:40:09,574
And to think
when I first met you,

1208
00:40:09,658 --> 00:40:11,243
you were
George Toledano's bitch.

1209
00:40:11,326 --> 00:40:13,120
It said so on my door
and everything.

1210
00:40:13,203 --> 00:40:15,080
Admit it, I've been
good luck for you, Mike.

1211
00:40:15,163 --> 00:40:16,456
You, not so much.

1212
00:40:16,540 --> 00:40:18,166
- Stop focusing on me.
- Sorry.

1213
00:40:18,250 --> 00:40:20,085
It's just that vampires
with expense accounts

1214
00:40:20,168 --> 00:40:21,545
are a real turn-on for me.

1215
00:40:22,546 --> 00:40:23,547
- Ten.
- [Mike] I'll call.

1216
00:40:23,630 --> 00:40:24,630
Me, too.

1217
00:40:24,673 --> 00:40:25,799
I'm out.

1218
00:40:25,882 --> 00:40:28,009
All right, final card, people.

1219
00:40:28,093 --> 00:40:29,845
These are some great
sandwiches over here.

1220
00:40:29,928 --> 00:40:32,389
- What kind?
- This has bread, meat,

1221
00:40:32,472 --> 00:40:33,723
cheese, tomato...

1222
00:40:33,807 --> 00:40:35,559
So, basically, a sandwich.
It's a sandwich.

1223
00:40:35,642 --> 00:40:36,685
What's the move, Susie?

1224
00:40:36,768 --> 00:40:38,311
[muttering]

1225
00:40:40,272 --> 00:40:41,898
Ten.

1226
00:40:41,982 --> 00:40:43,441
- I'm out.
- Raise you ten.

1227
00:40:43,525 --> 00:40:44,568
I raise your raise.

1228
00:40:44,651 --> 00:40:45,777
Are you raising my raise

1229
00:40:45,861 --> 00:40:47,213
- just to raise my raise?
- [Susie] Yes.

1230
00:40:47,237 --> 00:40:48,655
That's not how you play. Mike.

1231
00:40:48,738 --> 00:40:50,407
What do you think
he's going to do?

1232
00:40:50,490 --> 00:40:52,868
Fine. Call.

1233
00:40:52,951 --> 00:40:54,202
Pair of kings.

1234
00:40:54,286 --> 00:40:56,329
Hmm. Pair of threes.

1235
00:40:57,664 --> 00:40:59,166
Oh, and another three.

1236
00:40:59,249 --> 00:41:00,249
Fuck you.

1237
00:41:00,292 --> 00:41:01,602
- [laughs]
- I'm getting a sandwich.

1238
00:41:01,626 --> 00:41:03,712
They are delicious.
This one has mustard.

1239
00:41:03,795 --> 00:41:05,505
Everybody, take a break.

1240
00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:07,189
- Stretch your legs.
- Sounds good to me.

1241
00:41:07,257 --> 00:41:09,092
- Walk with me.
- Sure.

1242
00:41:10,093 --> 00:41:11,696
<i>[Mike] I didn't know you
had bad blood with Ken.</i>

1243
00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:14,764
No bad blood, just hope
to hora on his grave.

1244
00:41:14,848 --> 00:41:16,016
Why?

1245
00:41:16,099 --> 00:41:17,559
He's Shy Baldwin's agent.

1246
00:41:19,603 --> 00:41:20,812
What do you think of Pete?

1247
00:41:20,896 --> 00:41:23,648
He is not Shy Baldwin's agent.

1248
00:41:23,732 --> 00:41:25,525
Pete books Jack Paar.

1249
00:41:25,609 --> 00:41:27,694
All you talent bookers
hang out together?

1250
00:41:27,777 --> 00:41:28,838
- You don't have any friends?
- No.

1251
00:41:28,862 --> 00:41:31,781
Listen, Paar wants new voices.

1252
00:41:31,865 --> 00:41:33,575
His show's number two,
he's hungry.

1253
00:41:33,658 --> 00:41:35,118
Pete's putting together
a showcase,

1254
00:41:35,202 --> 00:41:38,038
12 top up-and-comers,
ten minutes.

1255
00:41:38,121 --> 00:41:39,873
Midge is in.

1256
00:41:39,956 --> 00:41:41,541
- What?
- I talked to him.

1257
00:41:41,625 --> 00:41:42,768
He's really excited to see her.

1258
00:41:42,792 --> 00:41:44,211
You talked to him about Midge?

1259
00:41:44,294 --> 00:41:45,730
She's the only woman
in the showcase.

1260
00:41:45,754 --> 00:41:47,064
I got him to give her
a late slot.

1261
00:41:47,088 --> 00:41:48,215
She's gonna shine.

1262
00:41:48,298 --> 00:41:49,549
What's going on?

1263
00:41:49,633 --> 00:41:51,551
What? I thought you'd be happy.

1264
00:41:51,635 --> 00:41:53,470
Well, what about Gordon's show?

1265
00:41:53,553 --> 00:41:55,055
You know the rule...

1266
00:41:55,138 --> 00:41:57,182
That was George's rule.
George is gone.

1267
00:41:57,265 --> 00:41:59,076
It's not just George's rule.
It's also Gordon's.

1268
00:41:59,100 --> 00:42:00,995
But you're there now.
Get him to change the rule.

1269
00:42:01,019 --> 00:42:02,371
I've been there
all of five minutes.

1270
00:42:02,395 --> 00:42:04,648
I can't do anything
till he totally trusts me.

1271
00:42:04,731 --> 00:42:05,982
How long do you want to wait?

1272
00:42:06,066 --> 00:42:07,484
Shit. We were
counting on Gordon.

1273
00:42:07,567 --> 00:42:08,902
So count on Paar.

1274
00:42:08,985 --> 00:42:11,279
Come on. This is a gift.

1275
00:42:12,739 --> 00:42:14,074
Okay.

1276
00:42:14,157 --> 00:42:15,325
Thanks.

1277
00:42:15,408 --> 00:42:16,576
Yeah.

1278
00:42:16,660 --> 00:42:18,828
Hey, guys, I think Ken is
in the bathroom crying.

1279
00:42:20,247 --> 00:42:22,582
Seriously, thank you for this.

1280
00:42:22,666 --> 00:42:23,875
Of course.

1281
00:42:23,959 --> 00:42:25,126
I hope Midge kills.

1282
00:42:25,210 --> 00:42:27,754
What? Oh, yeah.
Thanks for that, too.

1283
00:42:29,631 --> 00:42:30,799
<i>[woman] Pss, pss, pss, pss.</i>

1284
00:42:30,882 --> 00:42:33,051
[woman 2] Are you sure
that's a good idea?

1285
00:42:33,134 --> 00:42:33,969
I don't think...

1286
00:42:34,052 --> 00:42:35,929
What's in the ceiling now?

1287
00:42:36,012 --> 00:42:36,930
We think it's a cat.

1288
00:42:37,013 --> 00:42:38,682
- You think?
- Well, it's fast.

1289
00:42:38,765 --> 00:42:40,141
And it's got a tail.

1290
00:42:40,225 --> 00:42:42,352
Hey, you. Get out here.
I want to talk.

1291
00:42:42,435 --> 00:42:43,812
Sure. We can talk in here.

1292
00:42:43,895 --> 00:42:46,022
Nope. Too much vag. Let's go.

1293
00:42:46,106 --> 00:42:47,524
Great. Sit.

1294
00:42:47,607 --> 00:42:49,085
I didn't know
you were coming tonight.

1295
00:42:49,109 --> 00:42:50,360
How long till you go on?

1296
00:42:50,443 --> 00:42:51,528
I got a couple minutes.

1297
00:42:51,611 --> 00:42:53,321
And I have some
very exciting news.

1298
00:42:53,405 --> 00:42:54,948
I love very exciting news.

1299
00:42:55,031 --> 00:42:56,825
It is not going to happen
with Gordon Ford.

1300
00:42:56,908 --> 00:42:58,410
That's exciting news?

1301
00:42:58,493 --> 00:43:00,120
- Miriam...
- Woo-hoo, it's my lucky day.

1302
00:43:00,203 --> 00:43:01,639
Stop it, that isn't
the exciting news.

1303
00:43:01,663 --> 00:43:02,831
The exciting news is that

1304
00:43:02,914 --> 00:43:05,000
I got you a showcase
for Jack Paar.

1305
00:43:05,083 --> 00:43:07,168
- A showcase?
- No.

1306
00:43:07,252 --> 00:43:09,129
Do not sigh.
This is different.

1307
00:43:09,212 --> 00:43:11,548
This is invitation only.
No cattle call.

1308
00:43:11,631 --> 00:43:12,799
It's very selective.

1309
00:43:12,882 --> 00:43:14,926
And Paar is going to be there.

1310
00:43:15,010 --> 00:43:16,720
This is real, this is big.

1311
00:43:16,803 --> 00:43:17,721
Jack Paar.

1312
00:43:17,804 --> 00:43:19,306
I talked to the booker, Pete,

1313
00:43:19,389 --> 00:43:20,549
after the poker game tonight.

1314
00:43:20,598 --> 00:43:21,641
Did you win?

1315
00:43:21,725 --> 00:43:22,934
Eh, I left with everything

1316
00:43:23,018 --> 00:43:25,103
but their dicks in my pocket.

1317
00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:27,306
Anyhow, he told me there's
only 12 comics on the bill,

1318
00:43:27,355 --> 00:43:29,065
and you are the only woman.

1319
00:43:29,149 --> 00:43:30,900
You get that whole
runway to yourself.

1320
00:43:30,984 --> 00:43:32,694
Who told you Gordon Ford's dead?

1321
00:43:32,777 --> 00:43:34,237
Doesn't matter. This is better.

1322
00:43:34,321 --> 00:43:36,081
The whole point of me
taking that writing job

1323
00:43:36,156 --> 00:43:37,907
was to get on his show.

1324
00:43:37,991 --> 00:43:40,035
Hey, look at me. Fuck Ford.

1325
00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:42,704
He's a child. Paar is a legend.

1326
00:43:42,787 --> 00:43:44,122
Let Paar break you.

1327
00:43:44,205 --> 00:43:45,915
Mm? Gordon'll look like

1328
00:43:45,999 --> 00:43:47,810
a fucking idiot 'cause
he had the next best thing

1329
00:43:47,834 --> 00:43:48,960
sitting in his office,

1330
00:43:49,044 --> 00:43:50,187
and he was too much of
a dickhead to put her on.

1331
00:43:50,211 --> 00:43:52,297
- I guess.
- You go on Paar first,

1332
00:43:52,380 --> 00:43:54,924
Gordon's going to be so pissed.

1333
00:43:55,008 --> 00:43:56,176
Yeah.

1334
00:43:56,259 --> 00:43:58,470
Think of how fun that'll be.

1335
00:43:58,553 --> 00:44:00,138
Yeah.

1336
00:44:00,221 --> 00:44:01,973
So, how about we shift
our gunboats to Paar?

1337
00:44:02,057 --> 00:44:03,099
[woman screams]

1338
00:44:03,183 --> 00:44:04,184
Not a cat!

1339
00:44:04,267 --> 00:44:05,852
Definitely not a fucking cat.

1340
00:44:05,935 --> 00:44:08,063
[shouting, screaming]

1341
00:44:08,146 --> 00:44:11,524
[♪ Blossom Dearie: "Bang Goes
The Drum (And You're In Love)"]

1342
00:44:11,608 --> 00:44:12,776
<i>♪ Walking down the street ♪</i>

1343
00:44:12,859 --> 00:44:14,527
<i>♪ And suddenly you meet ♪</i>

1344
00:44:14,611 --> 00:44:17,781
<i>♪ A pair of brown eyes
dancing along...</i>

1345
00:44:17,864 --> 00:44:18,984
Why are you getting a raise?

1346
00:44:19,032 --> 00:44:20,492
Oh, hi. What?

1347
00:44:20,575 --> 00:44:21,493
You're getting a raise.

1348
00:44:21,576 --> 00:44:22,494
- Why?
- Am I?

1349
00:44:22,577 --> 00:44:23,787
- Yes.
- Says who?

1350
00:44:23,870 --> 00:44:24,788
The raise fairy.

1351
00:44:24,871 --> 00:44:26,247
Oh. Why?

1352
00:44:26,331 --> 00:44:27,874
- That's my question.
- Uh...

1353
00:44:27,957 --> 00:44:29,542
- You didn't know?
- I didn't know.

1354
00:44:29,626 --> 00:44:30,668
It's a big one, too.

1355
00:44:30,752 --> 00:44:31,669
You'll be making
as much as the men.

1356
00:44:31,753 --> 00:44:33,254
[gasps] Jiminy Crickets.

1357
00:44:33,338 --> 00:44:35,465
- More than one of them.
- Ooh, Ralph?

1358
00:44:35,548 --> 00:44:37,151
- Is it Ralph?
- Oh, I'm not telling you that.

1359
00:44:37,175 --> 00:44:38,635
Yes, it's Ralph.

1360
00:44:38,718 --> 00:44:40,178
Well, this is very serious.

1361
00:44:40,261 --> 00:44:41,846
I mean, if this gets out,

1362
00:44:41,930 --> 00:44:43,491
every working woman
will want to get paid

1363
00:44:43,515 --> 00:44:45,558
just as much as a man
to do the exact same job,

1364
00:44:45,642 --> 00:44:47,394
and our entire civilization
will collapse.

1365
00:44:47,477 --> 00:44:48,686
Exactly.

1366
00:44:48,770 --> 00:44:49,938
Can't help you, Mike.

1367
00:44:50,021 --> 00:44:53,024
<i>♪ And the show has begun ♪♪</i>

1368
00:44:54,442 --> 00:44:55,735
Hi. Got a sec?

1369
00:44:55,819 --> 00:44:57,737
- No.
- Okay.

1370
00:44:59,656 --> 00:45:01,950
I guess I do.

1371
00:45:03,910 --> 00:45:06,704
I was just wondering,
why did I get raise?

1372
00:45:06,788 --> 00:45:07,872
You know why.

1373
00:45:07,956 --> 00:45:09,040
No, I don't.

1374
00:45:09,124 --> 00:45:10,667
Danny Stevens tried
to poach you,

1375
00:45:10,750 --> 00:45:12,460
so I had to bid
against him to keep you.

1376
00:45:12,544 --> 00:45:15,130
That's how business works.
Congratulations.

1377
00:45:15,213 --> 00:45:16,589
You feel very good
about it, I see.

1378
00:45:16,673 --> 00:45:18,341
I'm fine.

1379
00:45:18,425 --> 00:45:20,510
I was banned from
Toots Shor again.

1380
00:45:20,593 --> 00:45:22,071
Well, you did attack him
with his own garnish tray.

1381
00:45:22,095 --> 00:45:23,430
[Gordon clears throat]

1382
00:45:23,513 --> 00:45:25,765
Midge, is there anything else
I can help you with?

1383
00:45:25,849 --> 00:45:27,517
Nope.

1384
00:45:29,519 --> 00:45:32,021
You know, I don't think
he was hitting on me.

1385
00:45:32,105 --> 00:45:33,731
I know when men
are hitting on me.

1386
00:45:33,815 --> 00:45:35,066
Oh, he was.

1387
00:45:35,150 --> 00:45:36,443
You are not a woman.

1388
00:45:36,526 --> 00:45:37,777
You are not a man.

1389
00:45:37,861 --> 00:45:39,737
No, but I get paid
like one now, apparently.

1390
00:45:39,821 --> 00:45:41,030
He's a smooth operator.

1391
00:45:41,114 --> 00:45:42,031
You probably didn't
pick up on it.

1392
00:45:42,115 --> 00:45:43,241
Right.

1393
00:45:43,324 --> 00:45:44,510
Probably because
it didn't happen.

1394
00:45:44,534 --> 00:45:45,910
It happened, okay?

1395
00:45:45,994 --> 00:45:48,496
It didn't, but sure.
Whatever you say.

1396
00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:55,587
Yes, Midge?

1397
00:45:57,380 --> 00:46:00,216
I'm going to do a showcase
for Jack Paar tonight.

1398
00:46:01,593 --> 00:46:03,344
Got a fancy dress on
and everything.

1399
00:46:03,428 --> 00:46:05,638
Shaved my whole leg,
front and back.

1400
00:46:07,265 --> 00:46:09,142
He's going to be there.

1401
00:46:09,225 --> 00:46:10,727
Jack Paar.

1402
00:46:10,810 --> 00:46:12,187
Twelve comics are performing.

1403
00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:13,605
I'm the only girl.

1404
00:46:13,688 --> 00:46:16,816
Gives me a little leg up,
hence the shaving.

1405
00:46:16,900 --> 00:46:18,860
Got a good spot.

1406
00:46:18,943 --> 00:46:20,236
Toward the end.

1407
00:46:22,447 --> 00:46:23,615
So...

1408
00:46:25,450 --> 00:46:27,243
Want to book me first?

1409
00:46:27,327 --> 00:46:28,745
Beat him to the punch?

1410
00:46:29,787 --> 00:46:32,499
No? Yes? Maybe?

1411
00:46:37,086 --> 00:46:38,713
Okay.

1412
00:46:38,796 --> 00:46:40,006
Well...

1413
00:46:44,177 --> 00:46:46,471
Going once...

1414
00:46:46,554 --> 00:46:47,931
going twice...

1415
00:46:48,014 --> 00:46:49,033
You're not supposed to back away

1416
00:46:49,057 --> 00:46:49,974
when you're counting down
like that.

1417
00:46:50,058 --> 00:46:51,118
You stand in front of a person,

1418
00:46:51,142 --> 00:46:53,269
you say "once, twice,"
and then go.

1419
00:46:53,353 --> 00:46:54,979
Okay, thanks for the tip.

1420
00:46:55,063 --> 00:46:57,023
I'll remember that.

1421
00:47:07,909 --> 00:47:10,370
I'm gonna get this.

1422
00:47:11,412 --> 00:47:12,789
You'll see.

1423
00:47:18,586 --> 00:47:19,963
[door creaks]

1424
00:47:20,046 --> 00:47:21,089
[door closes]

1425
00:47:22,382 --> 00:47:23,633
<i>[man] Lost in Bermuda.</i>

1426
00:47:23,716 --> 00:47:25,760
[audience chuckles]

1427
00:47:25,843 --> 00:47:27,220
I love being a comedian,

1428
00:47:27,303 --> 00:47:28,948
because even though people
are judging me up here,

1429
00:47:28,972 --> 00:47:30,348
at least they've been drinking.

1430
00:47:30,431 --> 00:47:33,059
[Susie snores] Jesus,
someone hand me a pillow.

1431
00:47:33,142 --> 00:47:35,062
I feel like I've been
watching the same blue suit

1432
00:47:35,144 --> 00:47:37,146
complain about blue balls
for three hours.

1433
00:47:37,230 --> 00:47:38,481
Because you have.

1434
00:47:38,565 --> 00:47:40,608
- Paar's still there, right?
- Yes.

1435
00:47:40,692 --> 00:47:42,902
He is loading a gun
to blow his brains out, though.

1436
00:47:42,986 --> 00:47:44,821
Make sure he saves me a bullet.

1437
00:47:44,904 --> 00:47:46,322
Midge Maisel?

1438
00:47:46,406 --> 00:47:48,491
There's only one chick
on the bill, one set of tits.

1439
00:47:48,575 --> 00:47:49,867
Why is it a question?

1440
00:47:49,951 --> 00:47:51,703
You could be Midge Maisel.
You've got tits.

1441
00:47:51,786 --> 00:47:54,330
I got to say, it's nice
someone finally noticed.

1442
00:47:54,414 --> 00:47:56,374
- I'm Midge.
- You're up next.

1443
00:47:56,457 --> 00:47:58,751
Well, here goes nothing.
How do I look?

1444
00:47:58,835 --> 00:48:00,771
For this crowd? Like the
eighth night of Hanukkah.

1445
00:48:00,795 --> 00:48:02,815
- [emcee] But coming up next is a good friend of mine...
- Tits up.

1446
00:48:02,839 --> 00:48:05,341
- Tits up.
- ...be kind. Mrs. Maisel.

1447
00:48:08,344 --> 00:48:11,180
[Midge] Hello, hello,
ladies and gentlemen.

1448
00:48:11,264 --> 00:48:14,225
Wow. People, really,
did you all get bad news

1449
00:48:14,309 --> 00:48:15,685
at the same time?

1450
00:48:15,768 --> 00:48:17,270
Is it terminal?

1451
00:48:17,353 --> 00:48:20,398
How many puppies got clubbed
to land me this sea of faces?

1452
00:48:20,481 --> 00:48:23,276
It's like there are Germans
downstairs or something.

1453
00:48:23,359 --> 00:48:24,986
[audience laughs]

1454
00:48:25,069 --> 00:48:26,613
They live.

1455
00:48:26,696 --> 00:48:28,197
<i>Great.</i>

1456
00:48:30,408 --> 00:48:31,534
You're very funny.

1457
00:48:31,618 --> 00:48:32,869
Thank you.

1458
00:48:35,455 --> 00:48:36,706
[laughter]

1459
00:48:50,011 --> 00:48:51,846
You got any arsenic on you?

1460
00:48:51,929 --> 00:48:53,389
Oh, shoot. Other purse.

1461
00:48:53,473 --> 00:48:54,807
Just my luck.

1462
00:48:54,891 --> 00:48:56,267
Last smoke?

1463
00:48:57,310 --> 00:48:58,996
I'm guessing you weren't
happy with your set.

1464
00:48:59,020 --> 00:49:00,730
What was not to be happy about?

1465
00:49:00,813 --> 00:49:02,690
They coughed, they talked,
they ordered drinks.

1466
00:49:02,774 --> 00:49:04,984
It was like Sunday night bingo
without the door prize.

1467
00:49:05,068 --> 00:49:06,402
It wasn't that bad.

1468
00:49:07,403 --> 00:49:08,738
Yeah.

1469
00:49:10,198 --> 00:49:11,741
It wasn't that good, either.

1470
00:49:13,534 --> 00:49:14,827
You were, though.

1471
00:49:16,162 --> 00:49:17,830
I was okay.

1472
00:49:17,914 --> 00:49:19,457
"Okay."

1473
00:49:20,500 --> 00:49:22,126
Sure.

1474
00:49:22,210 --> 00:49:24,712
[indistinct chatter]

1475
00:49:24,796 --> 00:49:26,547
I'll see you around, Eugene.

1476
00:49:27,548 --> 00:49:28,734
[Susie] ...huge,
for her and you.

1477
00:49:28,758 --> 00:49:30,760
[Pete] Okay,
easiest way to put it,

1478
00:49:30,843 --> 00:49:32,762
the parts just
don't add up, okay?

1479
00:49:32,845 --> 00:49:34,389
[Susie] What are
you talking about?

1480
00:49:34,472 --> 00:49:36,099
I'm sorry, I just don't get it.

1481
00:49:36,182 --> 00:49:37,684
What do you mean,
you don't get it?

1482
00:49:37,767 --> 00:49:39,927
I mean, I don't get it.
She's a girl, but she's pretty.

1483
00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:41,896
She's got a nice dress
and she does what?

1484
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:43,147
She's fucking funny.

1485
00:49:43,231 --> 00:49:44,440
I don't know what I'm selling.

1486
00:49:44,524 --> 00:49:46,275
You are selling a comic.

1487
00:49:46,359 --> 00:49:48,152
I just didn't get it.

1488
00:49:48,236 --> 00:49:50,405
- Jack was laughing.
- I talked to Jack.

1489
00:49:50,488 --> 00:49:52,615
He didn't flag her.
Don't think he got her, either.

1490
00:49:52,699 --> 00:49:53,842
Well, the audience sure got her.

1491
00:49:53,866 --> 00:49:54,867
Did you hear them?

1492
00:49:54,951 --> 00:49:56,160
They lost their shit

1493
00:49:56,244 --> 00:49:57,429
at every fucking thing she said.

1494
00:49:57,453 --> 00:49:58,663
Yeah, they were a nice crowd.

1495
00:49:58,746 --> 00:50:00,915
Fuck "nice." She killed.

1496
00:50:00,998 --> 00:50:03,209
She blew every guy away tonight.

1497
00:50:03,292 --> 00:50:05,086
Destroyed them. You know that.

1498
00:50:05,169 --> 00:50:07,255
Let's talk about
your other client.

1499
00:50:07,338 --> 00:50:09,465
- What other client?
- James Howard.

1500
00:50:09,549 --> 00:50:10,675
I hear that kid's hot.

1501
00:50:11,759 --> 00:50:13,302
Yeah, James is doing good.

1502
00:50:13,386 --> 00:50:15,226
Word is when that movie
comes out, he's a star.

1503
00:50:15,263 --> 00:50:16,615
I don't know.
Can we get back to Midge?

1504
00:50:16,639 --> 00:50:18,266
No on Midge.
I want to book James.

1505
00:50:18,349 --> 00:50:19,475
- What?
- I'd love to get him

1506
00:50:19,559 --> 00:50:20,703
on the show as soon as possible.

1507
00:50:20,727 --> 00:50:22,007
I can offer him great placement.

1508
00:50:22,061 --> 00:50:23,938
He can do six minutes,
then sit with Jack.

1509
00:50:24,021 --> 00:50:26,816
Let's get some excitement going
so when that movie hits...

1510
00:50:26,899 --> 00:50:27,960
But you've never
seen James work.

1511
00:50:27,984 --> 00:50:29,044
You don't even know
if he's funny.

1512
00:50:29,068 --> 00:50:30,945
I know people
are talking about him.

1513
00:50:31,028 --> 00:50:32,028
That's what I know.

1514
00:50:32,071 --> 00:50:33,197
Yeah, fuck that, Pete.

1515
00:50:33,281 --> 00:50:34,490
Tonight is about Midge.

1516
00:50:34,574 --> 00:50:36,659
- But...
- I am not discussing James.

1517
00:50:36,743 --> 00:50:38,721
I am discussing the woman
that went up there tonight

1518
00:50:38,745 --> 00:50:41,664
and wiped the fucking floor
with 11 other guys.

1519
00:50:41,748 --> 00:50:43,291
I want James.

1520
00:50:45,042 --> 00:50:46,042
Well, I'm not gonna...

1521
00:50:46,085 --> 00:50:47,420
You should book him.

1522
00:50:47,503 --> 00:50:49,672
James is great.
I've seen him work.

1523
00:50:49,756 --> 00:50:51,758
He'll be good for the show.

1524
00:50:51,841 --> 00:50:53,176
Look, Midge...

1525
00:50:53,259 --> 00:50:55,428
It's fine.
You don't have to get me.

1526
00:50:55,511 --> 00:50:58,097
Not everyone's gonna get me.
I don't get me sometimes.

1527
00:50:58,181 --> 00:50:59,491
There are mornings
when I wake up,

1528
00:50:59,515 --> 00:51:01,225
and I'm like,
"Who are you? What are you?

1529
00:51:01,309 --> 00:51:03,036
Why are you dressed
like that?" I understand.

1530
00:51:03,060 --> 00:51:05,521
- Miriam, let me handle this.
- No, Susie.

1531
00:51:05,605 --> 00:51:07,899
Don't hurt James.

1532
00:51:07,982 --> 00:51:09,776
Don't do that. I'm good.

1533
00:51:10,818 --> 00:51:12,236
Really.

1534
00:51:13,696 --> 00:51:15,865
You are a class act,
Midge Maisel.

1535
00:51:15,948 --> 00:51:17,325
I will give you that.

1536
00:51:17,408 --> 00:51:20,036
Well, that's something, right?

1537
00:51:21,996 --> 00:51:25,166
Thank you for the opportunity,
Pete. Really.

1538
00:51:26,375 --> 00:51:28,795
I hope to be able to say
"I told you so" one day.

1539
00:51:29,962 --> 00:51:31,047
Me, too.

1540
00:51:32,340 --> 00:51:33,716
Call you tomorrow.

1541
00:51:40,556 --> 00:51:43,059
Okay, let's talk dates, huh?

1542
00:51:44,185 --> 00:51:45,603
Sure.

1543
00:51:46,604 --> 00:51:48,356
<i>[James] Jack fucking Paar.</i>

1544
00:51:48,439 --> 00:51:49,982
- Yep.
<i>- My mother's gonna shit.</i>

1545
00:51:50,066 --> 00:51:51,442
<i>She gonna shit,
she gonna pass out,</i>

1546
00:51:51,526 --> 00:51:53,045
<i>she gonna wake up
and she gonna shit again.</i>

1547
00:51:53,069 --> 00:51:55,005
Sounds like it's gonna be
a rough night for your mother.

1548
00:51:55,029 --> 00:51:58,074
Oh, man, I can't
believe this year.

1549
00:51:58,157 --> 00:52:00,493
Seven months ago, I was
working for wings and fries

1550
00:52:00,576 --> 00:52:02,262
at that chicken place,
and now I'm in a movie,

1551
00:52:02,286 --> 00:52:03,871
and I'm gonna be on Jack Paar.

1552
00:52:03,955 --> 00:52:05,748
[laughs]

1553
00:52:05,832 --> 00:52:07,351
Don't pinch me.
I don't want to wake up.

1554
00:52:07,375 --> 00:52:09,585
You are on a roll,
that's for sure.

1555
00:52:09,669 --> 00:52:11,420
So, what's the date?
When do they want me?

1556
00:52:11,504 --> 00:52:12,731
I want to talk
to you about that.

1557
00:52:12,755 --> 00:52:13,923
<i>Hey, I don't care when it is.</i>

1558
00:52:14,006 --> 00:52:15,067
<i>I'll cancel whatever
I have going.</i>

1559
00:52:15,091 --> 00:52:16,091
Jack want me,

1560
00:52:16,133 --> 00:52:17,802
Jack can have me.
[chuckles]

1561
00:52:17,885 --> 00:52:19,929
I want you to turn it down.

1562
00:52:20,012 --> 00:52:22,640
What? Why?

1563
00:52:22,723 --> 00:52:24,058
It's not your turn.

1564
00:52:24,141 --> 00:52:25,893
What the hell does that mean?

1565
00:52:25,977 --> 00:52:27,311
<i>You are on a great
path right now,</i>

1566
00:52:27,395 --> 00:52:29,397
without Paar.
You don't need him.

1567
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:32,108
Let's let the movie come out
and then you do Paar.

1568
00:52:32,191 --> 00:52:33,651
<i>- Why?</i>
- I told you.

1569
00:52:33,734 --> 00:52:35,570
It's just not your turn.

1570
00:52:35,653 --> 00:52:37,905
Uh-huh. Well, how about
you make it my turn, then?

1571
00:52:37,989 --> 00:52:39,824
<i>- James...</i>
- You book it, Susie.

1572
00:52:39,907 --> 00:52:41,576
I don't think we should.

1573
00:52:41,659 --> 00:52:42,928
You either give me
a better reason

1574
00:52:42,952 --> 00:52:44,996
than "It's not your turn,"
'cause, frankly,

1575
00:52:45,079 --> 00:52:46,747
that means fuck all
to me right now,

1576
00:52:46,831 --> 00:52:48,207
or you book the spot.

1577
00:52:48,291 --> 00:52:49,333
<i>- James...</i>
- Book me

1578
00:52:49,417 --> 00:52:51,127
or I'll find someone else
who will.

1579
00:52:51,210 --> 00:52:52,837
[♪ Carly Simon:
"You're So Vain"]

1580
00:52:52,920 --> 00:52:54,088
<i>♪ Son of a gun ♪</i>

1581
00:52:58,092 --> 00:53:00,177
<i>♪ He walked in to the party...</i>

1582
00:53:00,261 --> 00:53:01,846
This place is nuts.

1583
00:53:01,929 --> 00:53:04,223
Apparently Mama was so pleased
with the shoot today

1584
00:53:04,307 --> 00:53:05,701
that she wants
to come back tomorrow

1585
00:53:05,725 --> 00:53:08,603
to add some more angles.
So it looks more filmic.

1586
00:53:08,686 --> 00:53:10,062
She learned that term today.

1587
00:53:10,146 --> 00:53:12,773
"Filmic." And "copy that."

1588
00:53:12,857 --> 00:53:15,860
Midge, this commercial
has already cost triple

1589
00:53:15,943 --> 00:53:18,154
- what we had budgeted.
- What can I tell you?

1590
00:53:18,237 --> 00:53:19,488
Okay, I'd like to have

1591
00:53:19,572 --> 00:53:20,799
a "come to Jesus" talk
about this, if I could.

1592
00:53:20,823 --> 00:53:22,909
You want to have a
"come to Jesus" talk with a Jew?

1593
00:53:22,992 --> 00:53:24,011
This hobby of your mother's...

1594
00:53:24,035 --> 00:53:25,286
- Oops.
- Whoa, there.

1595
00:53:25,369 --> 00:53:27,014
Don't you ever let Mama
hear you call it that.

1596
00:53:27,038 --> 00:53:28,932
She will bite your nuts off
and make them into earrings.

1597
00:53:28,956 --> 00:53:30,917
This business of hers

1598
00:53:31,000 --> 00:53:33,127
has officially become
a huge financial drain on you.

1599
00:53:33,210 --> 00:53:35,463
- How huge?
- King Kong to Fay Wray.

1600
00:53:35,546 --> 00:53:38,090
Well, at least I get
to be an ingénue again.

1601
00:53:38,174 --> 00:53:39,443
The Madison Ave location
was bad enough,

1602
00:53:39,467 --> 00:53:41,010
but the fact that
she refused to rent

1603
00:53:41,093 --> 00:53:43,429
and you had to buy the building?
Why didn't you call me?

1604
00:53:43,512 --> 00:53:45,514
I was playing Tahoe.
The phones were sticky.

1605
00:53:45,598 --> 00:53:47,099
The business
is not making money.

1606
00:53:47,183 --> 00:53:49,393
We should really think
about closing the place.

1607
00:53:49,477 --> 00:53:51,237
We can negotiate severance
for the employees,

1608
00:53:51,270 --> 00:53:52,331
and we can try
to sell the building.

1609
00:53:52,355 --> 00:53:53,981
We'll take a loss,

1610
00:53:54,065 --> 00:53:55,483
but we should get it
off your books.

1611
00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:57,401
You can just pay
your mom a salary,

1612
00:53:57,485 --> 00:53:59,153
straight from you to her.

1613
00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:01,489
It'll be more
than she's making now. It...

1614
00:54:01,572 --> 00:54:03,074
Susie, back me up here.

1615
00:54:03,157 --> 00:54:05,284
He's not bullshitting you.
The numbers are bad.

1616
00:54:09,121 --> 00:54:10,831
Brian, I appreciate
what you're saying,

1617
00:54:10,915 --> 00:54:12,601
but this place is more
important to my mother

1618
00:54:12,625 --> 00:54:15,628
than her grandchildren,
her husband, her son or me,

1619
00:54:15,711 --> 00:54:18,339
so it will stay open as long
as she wants it to stay open.

1620
00:54:18,422 --> 00:54:22,093
I don't want her worrying or
feeling sad or like a failure.

1621
00:54:22,176 --> 00:54:24,428
We will continue to tell her
business is great,

1622
00:54:24,512 --> 00:54:26,847
and we will make as many
commercials as she wants,

1623
00:54:26,931 --> 00:54:28,391
because that's
all I can do for her

1624
00:54:28,474 --> 00:54:31,060
in the brief time
she's got left.

1625
00:54:32,144 --> 00:54:33,980
[sighs]

1626
00:54:34,063 --> 00:54:35,940
Book the Australian tour.

1627
00:54:36,023 --> 00:54:37,191
First thing tomorrow.

1628
00:54:37,274 --> 00:54:38,567
[Rose] Miriam.

1629
00:54:38,651 --> 00:54:41,237
I just had a brilliant idea.

1630
00:54:41,320 --> 00:54:43,155
- Testimonials.
- Ah.

1631
00:54:43,239 --> 00:54:45,366
We film all
my great success stories

1632
00:54:45,449 --> 00:54:47,284
and do a series of
commercials with them.

1633
00:54:47,368 --> 00:54:49,578
I mean, it may affect
everything we just did today,

1634
00:54:49,662 --> 00:54:50,913
but, push come to shove,

1635
00:54:50,997 --> 00:54:53,082
we just do it again.
What do you think?

1636
00:54:54,375 --> 00:54:56,752
I think that's
a great idea, Mama.

1637
00:55:07,722 --> 00:55:11,017
The bathroom is not
gonna be fixed in time,

1638
00:55:11,100 --> 00:55:13,936
and the whole place
smells like mildew,

1639
00:55:14,020 --> 00:55:15,980
so I can't have my event here.

1640
00:55:16,063 --> 00:55:17,690
I'm going to have
to rent a hall,

1641
00:55:17,773 --> 00:55:19,209
I'm going to have
to spend my own money,

1642
00:55:19,233 --> 00:55:20,943
and it's going
to cost a fortune.

1643
00:55:23,112 --> 00:55:24,530
I know you don't care.

1644
00:55:24,613 --> 00:55:27,491
You think what I do
is silly and frivolous.

1645
00:55:27,575 --> 00:55:30,036
That's fine. It only
means something to me.

1646
00:55:34,665 --> 00:55:36,250
[inhales]

1647
00:55:39,837 --> 00:55:41,714
[cries]

1648
00:55:54,268 --> 00:55:55,728
Esther?

1649
00:55:55,811 --> 00:55:57,813
The Earth is exploding.
Did you hear?

1650
00:55:57,897 --> 00:55:59,940
No, it's not.
Something just fell.

1651
00:56:00,024 --> 00:56:02,068
It's okay. Go back to bed.

1652
00:56:04,278 --> 00:56:05,988
[Midge crying]

1653
00:56:09,867 --> 00:56:11,327
Miriam? Are you all right?

1654
00:56:14,330 --> 00:56:15,372
Miriam?

1655
00:56:15,456 --> 00:56:17,333
[Midge] Not now, Papa.

1656
00:56:17,416 --> 00:56:20,294
[♪ Mozart: "Sonata K. 545"]

1657
00:56:44,360 --> 00:56:46,320
♪ ♪

1658
00:56:59,542 --> 00:57:01,669
<i>[television audience laughing]</i>

1659
00:57:01,752 --> 00:57:03,754
Where's Nancy?
The food's getting cold.

1660
00:57:03,838 --> 00:57:05,464
- She's got a date.
- Oh.

1661
00:57:05,548 --> 00:57:07,049
A date?

1662
00:57:07,133 --> 00:57:09,635
With a boy?

1663
00:57:09,718 --> 00:57:12,847
Yes, dear, a date. Potatoes?

1664
00:57:12,930 --> 00:57:15,367
- Don't try to distract me with potatoes.
- But you love potatoes.

1665
00:57:15,391 --> 00:57:16,535
I don't want to talk
about potatoes.

1666
00:57:16,559 --> 00:57:17,643
Okay.

1667
00:57:17,726 --> 00:57:18,853
Carrots?

1668
00:57:20,104 --> 00:57:21,522
Carole, our daughter is 15.

1669
00:57:21,605 --> 00:57:23,482
- Danny...
- No dating till she's married.

1670
00:57:23,566 --> 00:57:26,735
Then her husband can
decide when she dates.

1671
00:57:26,819 --> 00:57:28,505
- [doorbell rings]
- Can you get that, dear?

1672
00:57:28,529 --> 00:57:30,239
Fine, but when I get back,

1673
00:57:30,322 --> 00:57:31,574
we're going to have a long talk

1674
00:57:31,657 --> 00:57:33,284
about who's in charge
of this household.

1675
00:57:33,367 --> 00:57:35,327
Me. On second thought,

1676
00:57:35,411 --> 00:57:37,288
that was the talk.
Talk's done.

1677
00:57:38,873 --> 00:57:39,874
Oh, you're kidding me.

1678
00:57:39,957 --> 00:57:40,875
Is Nancy here?

1679
00:57:40,958 --> 00:57:42,168
No, she enlisted.

1680
00:57:42,251 --> 00:57:43,836
For how long?

1681
00:57:45,087 --> 00:57:46,255
What's your name, son?

1682
00:57:46,338 --> 00:57:47,256
Skippy.

1683
00:57:47,339 --> 00:57:48,632
Your parents named you Skippy?

1684
00:57:48,716 --> 00:57:49,967
- Yes.
- On purpose?

1685
00:57:50,050 --> 00:57:51,093
Yes.

1686
00:57:51,177 --> 00:57:52,636
Do they know you're not a puppy?

1687
00:57:52,720 --> 00:57:55,848
Danny, let the boy in.
He'll catch cold.

1688
00:57:55,931 --> 00:57:58,475
It's a hallway, not the tundra.

1689
00:57:58,559 --> 00:57:59,894
Okay, get in. Get in.

1690
00:58:01,103 --> 00:58:03,480
You sure do have
a nice home, Mr. Stevens.

1691
00:58:03,564 --> 00:58:04,857
What, are you casing the joint?

1692
00:58:04,940 --> 00:58:08,194
Aw, you brought Nancy flowers.

1693
00:58:08,277 --> 00:58:09,612
Let's see. When was

1694
00:58:09,695 --> 00:58:11,197
the last time I got flowers?

1695
00:58:11,280 --> 00:58:13,115
Oh, it was when the doorman

1696
00:58:13,199 --> 00:58:14,909
brought up a bouquet by mistake.

1697
00:58:14,992 --> 00:58:16,660
He had the wrong apartment.

1698
00:58:17,912 --> 00:58:19,788
Skippy, come.

1699
00:58:19,872 --> 00:58:21,207
Sit.

1700
00:58:22,666 --> 00:58:23,667
Good boy.

1701
00:58:23,751 --> 00:58:24,752
Now, Skippy...

1702
00:58:24,835 --> 00:58:26,670
I still cannot
get over that name.

1703
00:58:26,754 --> 00:58:28,130
I'm gonna ask you
a few questions.

1704
00:58:28,214 --> 00:58:30,174
- Do you date a lot, Skippy?
- No.

1705
00:58:30,257 --> 00:58:31,842
How come? Girls don't like you?

1706
00:58:31,926 --> 00:58:33,677
- What?
- Is there something wrong with you?

1707
00:58:33,761 --> 00:58:34,929
I don't think so.

1708
00:58:36,263 --> 00:58:37,264
Hi, Skippy.

1709
00:58:37,348 --> 00:58:39,058
Hi, Nancy. You look swell.

1710
00:58:39,141 --> 00:58:41,310
Oh, thanks. We should go.

1711
00:58:41,393 --> 00:58:43,520
Ah, excuse me, I'm not
done with Skippy yet.

1712
00:58:43,604 --> 00:58:44,939
- Follow me.
- What are you doing?

1713
00:58:45,022 --> 00:58:45,898
I'm gonna race him
down the hall.

1714
00:58:45,981 --> 00:58:46,982
What?

1715
00:58:47,066 --> 00:58:48,234
I just want to see

1716
00:58:48,317 --> 00:58:49,318
if he can outrun me.

1717
00:58:49,401 --> 00:58:50,653
Time to go, you two.

1718
00:58:50,736 --> 00:58:52,696
Have fun. Be home by 10:30.

1719
00:58:52,780 --> 00:58:54,782
10:30? What is this, Spain?

1720
00:58:55,991 --> 00:58:57,326
Home by 8:45.

1721
00:58:57,409 --> 00:58:58,409
But, Daddy...

1722
00:58:58,452 --> 00:59:00,412
Danny, may I see you

1723
00:59:00,496 --> 00:59:01,914
over here for a moment?

1724
00:59:01,997 --> 00:59:03,874
- Why?
- I just want to talk to you.

1725
00:59:03,958 --> 00:59:05,417
He started it.

1726
00:59:06,418 --> 00:59:08,420
Danny, your daughter

1727
00:59:08,504 --> 00:59:10,506
is about to go to her
very first dance

1728
00:59:10,589 --> 00:59:11,757
as a young lady.

1729
00:59:11,840 --> 00:59:13,759
Are you really going
to spoil it for her?

1730
00:59:14,802 --> 00:59:16,637
I really want to say "yes."

1731
00:59:18,639 --> 00:59:20,432
No.

1732
00:59:20,516 --> 00:59:22,851
That's the man I married.

1733
00:59:26,772 --> 00:59:28,065
Have fun, you two.

1734
00:59:28,148 --> 00:59:29,608
- Nancy.
- I know, Daddy.

1735
00:59:29,692 --> 00:59:30,901
Home by 10:30.

1736
00:59:30,985 --> 00:59:32,152
I was just going to say

1737
00:59:32,236 --> 00:59:34,071
you look beautiful.

1738
00:59:36,782 --> 00:59:39,034
Thank you, Daddy. I love you.

1739
00:59:40,286 --> 00:59:41,996
Bye.

1740
00:59:42,079 --> 00:59:43,372
Ay-ay-ay.

1741
00:59:45,874 --> 00:59:46,959
[clears throat]

1742
00:59:48,419 --> 00:59:49,586
Very sweet.

1743
00:59:49,670 --> 00:59:51,046
Doesn't count.

1744
01:00:03,684 --> 01:00:06,395
[♪ Jimmy Van Heusen: "Nancy
(with the Laughing Face)"]

1745
01:00:06,478 --> 01:00:09,982
<i>♪ If I don't see her each day ♪</i>

1746
01:00:10,065 --> 01:00:11,233
<i>♪ I miss her ♪</i>

1747
01:00:11,317 --> 01:00:12,318
Huh.

1748
01:00:13,819 --> 01:00:17,197
<i>♪ Gee, what a thrill ♪</i>

1749
01:00:17,281 --> 01:00:20,242
<i>♪ Each time I kiss her ♪</i>

1750
01:00:20,326 --> 01:00:21,702
[chuckles]

1751
01:00:21,785 --> 01:00:25,080
<i>♪ Believe me, I got a case ♪</i>

1752
01:00:27,291 --> 01:00:28,876
<i>♪ On Nancy ♪</i>

1753
01:00:30,169 --> 01:00:31,837
<i>♪ With the laughing face ♪</i>

1754
01:00:34,381 --> 01:00:38,260
<i>♪ Do you ever hear
mission bells ringing? ♪</i>

1755
01:00:39,678 --> 01:00:40,804
<i>♪ Well ♪</i>

1756
01:00:41,930 --> 01:00:44,725
<i>♪ She'll give you
the very same glow ♪</i>

1757
01:00:47,186 --> 01:00:49,146
<i>♪ When she speaks ♪</i>

1758
01:00:49,229 --> 01:00:52,107
<i>♪ You would think
it was singing ♪</i>

1759
01:00:54,693 --> 01:00:59,281
<i>♪ Just hear her say hello ♪</i>

1760
01:01:01,075 --> 01:01:02,910
<i>♪ I swear to goodness ♪</i>

1761
01:01:04,244 --> 01:01:06,622
<i>♪ You can't resist her ♪</i>

1762
01:01:08,582 --> 01:01:10,417
<i>♪ Sorry for you ♪</i>

1763
01:01:11,960 --> 01:01:15,089
<i>♪ She has no sister ♪</i>

1764
01:01:17,049 --> 01:01:19,718
<i>♪ No one could ever replace ♪</i>

1765
01:01:21,136 --> 01:01:23,847
<i>♪ My Nancy ♪</i>

1766
01:01:25,391 --> 01:01:27,726
<i>♪ With the laughing face ♪♪</i>

1767
01:01:33,065 --> 01:01:35,484
[audience applauds]