1 00:00:15,266 --> 00:00:16,934 Buy yourself some driving gloves. 2 00:00:16,976 --> 00:00:18,269 Whew, it's hot. 3 00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:20,479 Watch the bag guy, watch the bag guy. 4 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,481 - Right. Uh, please put those on the bottom. -Those shoes need a shine, kid. 5 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,400 - Those are hats. Hats on top, right-side up. -Yes, ma'am. 6 00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:26,485 - Hats on top. So you remember. - Thank you, sir. 7 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,821 Maisel and Myerson. You got a girl? Take her to a show. 8 00:00:28,863 --> 00:00:31,073 - Thank you. -I'm sweating my ass off. Are you sweating your ass off? 9 00:00:31,115 --> 00:00:33,200 - Take off your jacket. - How's that gonna help my ass? 10 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,119 - Welcome to the Fontainebleau. - Susie Myerson. 11 00:00:35,161 --> 00:00:37,204 - Buy yourself something pretty. - We're here with the Shy Baldwin tour. 12 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:38,664 Ah, yes. Follow me. 13 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,791 - Susie Myerson. Remember the face. -I will. 14 00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:42,126 - Susie Myerson. Remember the face. -Absolutely. 15 00:00:42,168 --> 00:00:43,878 Susie Myerson. Remember the face. 16 00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:45,671 You don't have to tip everyone, you know. 17 00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,965 Eh, to be a big shot, you got to act like a big shot. 18 00:00:48,007 --> 00:00:49,049 Big shots tip. 19 00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:50,468 But that guy doesn't work here. 20 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:51,677 What? Shit. 21 00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,596 Hey! Give me that back! 22 00:01:15,826 --> 00:01:17,286 Oh. 'Scuse me. 23 00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:28,380 - Hello. I'm Miriam... - Got it. 24 00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:29,882 - Oh. - Maisel and Myerson. 25 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:31,634 That's for you. Get yourself a hokeypokey. 26 00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:34,136 - Welcome to the Fontainebleau. We have you in a... -Standard room, 27 00:01:34,178 --> 00:01:35,638 - twin beds. - Facing the ocean, not the pool. 28 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,223 - Away from the elevator. - And the ice machine. 29 00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:38,974 - But near the cigarette machine. - And the emergency exit. 30 00:01:39,016 --> 00:01:40,142 - What floor? - Tenth floor. 31 00:01:40,184 --> 00:01:41,143 Ooh, too high. 32 00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:42,520 Room service gets cold. 33 00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:44,188 - And you can't jump out if there's a fire. -Mm. 34 00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:46,524 - Third floor. Away from families. - Kids scream. 35 00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:47,733 - She swears. - No kids. 36 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:49,026 Oh, no first-time fuckers. 37 00:01:49,068 --> 00:01:51,111 - Pardon me? -Newlyweds. - They scream, too. 38 00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:52,488 - Anything else? - Yes, do you have 39 00:01:52,530 --> 00:01:54,365 a set of hotel schematics we could look at? 40 00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:56,283 We're most interested in the kitchen ventilation system 41 00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:57,535 and the routing of the ductwork. 42 00:01:57,576 --> 00:01:59,036 Remember the Ambassador in L.A.? 43 00:01:59,078 --> 00:02:00,871 Whole place smelled like chlorine 44 00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:02,331 and discount cocaine. 45 00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:03,874 I'll go ask. 46 00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:05,793 How many of the words in that request 47 00:02:05,835 --> 00:02:07,211 do you think she understood? 48 00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:09,213 Not everyone outside of Manhattan's an idiot. 49 00:02:09,255 --> 00:02:12,508 - Well... - Okay, Fontainebleau. 50 00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:16,011 What things can I playfully lampoon about you in my act? 51 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,513 Susie. 52 00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:19,056 A staircase to nowhere. 53 00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:20,474 A what to where? 54 00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:22,476 See that staircase? It's there just so the ladies 55 00:02:22,518 --> 00:02:24,061 can walk down in their finest dresses 56 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,063 - and everybody can watch them. - Well, there you go. 57 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,774 You can do an entire act on that completely asinine... 58 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,526 Oh. You don't want to make fun of it... 59 00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:32,361 - you want to walk down it. - Well, that new green dress 60 00:02:32,403 --> 00:02:33,988 is just dying for some attention. 61 00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:35,656 Uh-huh. See, I never know 62 00:02:35,698 --> 00:02:37,658 when Borscht Belt Barbie's gonna come back out. 63 00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:39,827 Okay. Go ahead. Walk down the staircase. 64 00:02:39,869 --> 00:02:42,371 I'll be in the bar, wondering why I never used my law degree. 65 00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:44,456 - Your what? - Okay, I could not find 66 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:45,958 schematics or a ventilation plan, 67 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,127 but here's the emergency exit layout, 68 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,004 which actually shows you a good portion of the ductwork. 69 00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:51,338 Wait a second, you're competent? 70 00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:52,631 You got to get out of Florida. 71 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,049 Seriously, get on a bus 72 00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:55,718 and get to New York. You do not belong here. 73 00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:57,678 Take it. Go. Don't even check us in. 74 00:02:57,720 --> 00:02:59,513 Third floor. I'll have your bags follow you up. 75 00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:00,931 And then you'll leave? After the bags? 76 00:03:00,973 --> 00:03:02,433 - Come on, Susie. - Save yourself! 77 00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:04,435 Did you say you had a law degree? 78 00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:06,604 Huh? Hey, hold the elevator. 79 00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:08,063 - Ooh. - Hold the elevator! 80 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,194 Hello? 81 00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:15,404 I'm home! 82 00:03:15,446 --> 00:03:17,239 ...Kitty Carlisle, 83 00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:20,409 Don Ameche and Polly Bergen 84 00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:22,828 on To Tell the Truth, 85 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,830 with your host, Bud Collyer! 86 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,918 I got some of Moishe's prune Danish, 87 00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:31,003 - like you... - What is your name, please? 88 00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:33,797 My name is Judy Delp. 89 00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:37,176 My name is Judy Delp. 90 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,594 Zelda, what are you doing? 91 00:03:38,636 --> 00:03:39,929 - My name is Judy Delp. - Watching TV. 92 00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:42,181 - But what are you wearing? - Clothes. 93 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,183 - Street clothes. - Talk to her. 94 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,518 - Shirley? -I don't want people to think I have a maid. 95 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,687 That uniform was a dead giveaway. 96 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,105 But Zelda is a maid. 97 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:51,815 A maid wears a uniform. 98 00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:52,816 Well, she can wear it at night 99 00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:53,817 if it'll make you feel any better. 100 00:03:53,859 --> 00:03:55,277 - Night? - When it's dark. 101 00:03:55,319 --> 00:03:56,987 - And the lights are out. - I can wear it to bed. 102 00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:58,989 - Yes, she can wear it to bed. - This is unbelievable. 103 00:03:59,031 --> 00:04:01,241 - I step out of this house for five minutes and... -Shh! 104 00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:02,409 Did you just shush me? 105 00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:03,661 I have money on this. 106 00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,329 - You have... - I think it's one. 107 00:04:05,371 --> 00:04:07,790 She looks like she's been brained by a baton a few times. 108 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,249 - I have no idea. - Would you mind running through 109 00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:10,334 that again for us, please? 110 00:04:10,376 --> 00:04:11,377 I don't think we got it all. 111 00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:12,878 Anyway, the votes are in, 112 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,463 such as they are. Let's see which one... 113 00:04:14,505 --> 00:04:16,131 - Should I get that? - Would you? 114 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,841 ...baton twirling champion. 115 00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:22,429 So will the real Judy Delp please stand up? 116 00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:24,264 - Skurwysyn! - I told you. 117 00:04:26,225 --> 00:04:28,185 Oh, wait. Mrs. Weissman? 118 00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:29,311 Yes. 119 00:04:29,353 --> 00:04:31,647 Can I have next Friday off? 120 00:04:31,689 --> 00:04:33,649 I think... 121 00:04:33,691 --> 00:04:35,985 I think nothing would be better than... 122 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,740 I just want to say, I fucking hate Florida. 123 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,158 - You should take your jacket off. - No. 124 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,535 You should take your boots off. 125 00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:46,120 I think you'll regret that request. 126 00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,413 You want some lemonade? 127 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,039 No, I don't want any fucking lemonade. 128 00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:50,582 Does it look like I'm sitting here thinking 129 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,376 about some goddamned ass-licking, cock-sucking, 130 00:04:52,418 --> 00:04:53,711 dick-whacking lemonade? 131 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:56,213 Just one, please. 132 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:58,215 I don't understand this place. Why is it here? 133 00:04:58,257 --> 00:05:00,968 Well, the Atlantic Ocean opened up about 200 million years ago, 134 00:05:01,010 --> 00:05:02,219 pushing North America westward, 135 00:05:02,261 --> 00:05:05,222 away from the supercontinent Pangaea. 136 00:05:05,264 --> 00:05:06,265 It's in the brochure. 137 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,641 You want a smack in the mouth? 138 00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:09,309 I did not tell you to come to the pool. 139 00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:11,145 You did, too. You told me to come down here 140 00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:12,229 and sit with you and relax. 141 00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:13,897 When does the relaxing start? 142 00:05:13,939 --> 00:05:15,649 How can you relax? 143 00:05:15,691 --> 00:05:17,484 It's boiling. It's humid. 144 00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,111 There's bugs and snakes 145 00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:21,697 and birds and bats and alligators and sand. 146 00:05:21,739 --> 00:05:23,699 There's sand everywhere... in the sandwiches, 147 00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:25,534 in the room, in my hair, in my ass. 148 00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:27,870 I haven't been anywhere near the beach and I have sand in my ass. 149 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:30,289 That says more about you than it does about Florida. 150 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,624 That was a big mistake, kid! Big mistake! 151 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,043 Remember the face! 152 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,377 You have to calm down. 153 00:05:35,419 --> 00:05:36,962 Seriously. 154 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:40,424 Why do Jews do this to themselves? 155 00:05:40,466 --> 00:05:42,676 Why do they find terrible places and go live there? 156 00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:44,595 "Hey, here's a piece of the desert surrounded by people 157 00:05:44,636 --> 00:05:47,306 who hate us. Where do I sign?" 158 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:49,808 I'm gonna die on this chair. 159 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,477 Susie, go in the pool. Cool off. 160 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:52,895 You'll feel so much better. 161 00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:56,023 You do know how to swim, don't you? 162 00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:58,275 Are you kidding? 163 00:05:58,317 --> 00:05:59,818 You grew up in the Rockaways. 164 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:01,528 Your house was on stilts. How do you not know 165 00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:02,946 - how to swim? - 'Cause my drunken whore 166 00:06:02,988 --> 00:06:04,615 of a mother never taught me, okay? 167 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:05,866 What if you fell in the water? 168 00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:07,826 Well, then Christmas came early that year. 169 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,745 Okay. That's it. 170 00:06:09,787 --> 00:06:11,163 Get up. 171 00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:12,790 I am gonna teach you how to swim. 172 00:06:12,831 --> 00:06:15,292 - No way. -I was a certified swimming instructor in the Catskills. 173 00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:17,044 - I am an expert. - Get out of here. 174 00:06:17,086 --> 00:06:18,712 Swimming's fun. It makes your tush tight. 175 00:06:18,754 --> 00:06:20,297 I like a nice loose tush. 176 00:06:20,339 --> 00:06:21,840 Hey, we are on tour now. 177 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,383 We will be flying in planes. 178 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,968 And if one of those planes goes down in the water, 179 00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:26,470 you are gonna have to know how to swim. 180 00:06:26,512 --> 00:06:28,889 Oh, good. You found a way to make flying even worse. 181 00:06:28,931 --> 00:06:30,182 Come on. 182 00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,434 I am not swimming or traveling with you anymore. 183 00:06:32,476 --> 00:06:34,853 Once you get in, you'll see. It'll be fun. 184 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,648 Now, you are gonna need a bathing suit. 185 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:38,649 - Jump! - No. 186 00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:40,067 - Susie, I'll catch you. - Fuck you. 187 00:06:40,109 --> 00:06:41,068 - You won't. - I swear I'll catch you. 188 00:06:41,110 --> 00:06:42,152 - No, you won't! - I will. 189 00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:43,570 - You're lying! - Susie, just jump! 190 00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:45,405 - You jump! - You're acting like a four-year-old. 191 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,074 - You're acting like a four-year-old! - Just jump to me! 192 00:06:47,116 --> 00:06:48,992 - You jump to me! - No, you jump to me! 193 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:50,661 - Kick! - Oh! Do not let me go! 194 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:52,663 - I won't let you go! - Water up the nose! 195 00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:54,248 - I got water up my nose! - I've got you! 196 00:06:54,289 --> 00:06:55,833 Just fucking relax and kick! 197 00:06:55,874 --> 00:06:56,834 You fucking kick! 198 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,252 There are children here! 199 00:06:58,293 --> 00:06:59,253 Stop saying "fuck"! 200 00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:00,921 You stop saying "fuck"! 201 00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:02,339 What are you staring at? 202 00:07:02,381 --> 00:07:03,674 What are they staring at?! 203 00:07:03,715 --> 00:07:04,675 Here we go. 204 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,051 - One. - Do not do this. 205 00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:07,469 - Two. - Miriam, I said don't. 206 00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:09,221 - Big breath. - I will kill your children. 207 00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,056 I will kill them and I will dress up in their clothes 208 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,307 - and I will haunt you. - Three! 209 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:13,725 Oh, God! 210 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,727 Oh, God. Oh... 211 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,563 Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. 212 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,398 Susie, you're doing it! 213 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,316 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! 214 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,527 Who peed? Who peed in this pool? 215 00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,529 Well, at least you're honest. 216 00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:27,322 You're doing great! Keep going! 217 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:28,657 Turn me around. Turn me around. 218 00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:31,034 Good girl. Good girl, Susie. 219 00:07:31,076 --> 00:07:32,452 You're swimming! 220 00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:33,704 What are you doing? 221 00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:34,705 - I'm coming. - No... 222 00:07:34,746 --> 00:07:35,998 I'm coming for you. 223 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,583 - Stop it. - No, it's gonna happen. 224 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,876 You're being ridiculous. 225 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,502 You should be happy. 226 00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:42,588 This is good, Susie! 227 00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:46,508 Well, that was fun. 228 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,677 God, it's fucking hot. 229 00:07:48,719 --> 00:07:50,179 Susie Myerson? 230 00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,514 - There's a call for Susie Myerson. - Mm. 231 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:53,599 Over here. 232 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:54,683 Susie Myerson? 233 00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:56,518 You need to see a birth certificate? 234 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,729 Here. Remember the face. 235 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,147 Susie Myerson here. 236 00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:01,523 Rehearsals are a disaster. 237 00:08:01,565 --> 00:08:04,526 A complete, unmitigated disaster. 238 00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:06,361 - Why? - A million reasons. 239 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,989 For one, what's-his-face, the director, hates me. 240 00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,032 I don't believe that. 241 00:08:10,073 --> 00:08:12,034 I haven't had anyone look at me that coldly 242 00:08:12,075 --> 00:08:13,869 since I had my mother deported. 243 00:08:13,911 --> 00:08:15,204 It is not working. 244 00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:16,914 We should find someone else. 245 00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:19,666 Sophie, this guy is the hottest director on Broadway. 246 00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:22,085 He has three plays running. Two are The Cherry Orchard. 247 00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,503 He could have his pick of projects, 248 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,255 and he wanted to do this play with you, 249 00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:26,465 with Sophie Lennon. 250 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,884 Well, Sophie Lennon doesn't like him. 251 00:08:28,926 --> 00:08:30,594 He's bossy. 252 00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:32,179 - What did he do? - I wanted to sit 253 00:08:32,221 --> 00:08:34,431 on one of my lines, and he said stand. 254 00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:35,849 Then he told me I had to wear a wig, 255 00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:37,476 so he obviously hates my hair. 256 00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:38,936 He said no to the nudity, 257 00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:41,480 and he told me I had to memorize my lines. 258 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:42,481 Well, you were planning to memorize your lines anyway, 259 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,482 weren't you? 260 00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,400 Yes, but now I don't want to. 261 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:48,070 I despise being told what to do. 262 00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,446 That's kind of his job, Sophie. 263 00:08:49,488 --> 00:08:51,281 Oh, and he loves Gavin. 264 00:08:51,323 --> 00:08:53,700 Oh, Gavin is his favorite. 265 00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,619 They talk and they laugh. 266 00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:56,870 Probably about my hair. 267 00:08:56,912 --> 00:08:58,830 And did you hear about Gavin's movie? 268 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,792 - No. - Gavin is doing a pirate movie 269 00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:04,419 in the fall, and, apparently, he has a hard out. 270 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:07,506 And now they're telling me our opening date isn't flexible. 271 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,507 It's not flexible. 272 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,717 - Everything's flexible. - Sophie, 273 00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,302 the theater's been booked, the date's been announced, 274 00:09:12,344 --> 00:09:13,887 money's changed hands. That's it. 275 00:09:13,929 --> 00:09:15,555 But what if it's not ready by then? 276 00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:16,890 What if it needs more time? 277 00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:18,809 And by "it," I mean "me." 278 00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:20,519 You'll be ready. You'll be great. 279 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,521 I am not happy. I feel unsettled. 280 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,439 I need my manager here. 281 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:27,484 I will be there as soon as I can. 282 00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:31,154 I promise. 283 00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,447 Very, very soon. 284 00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:36,451 Like... by the end of the week. 285 00:09:38,287 --> 00:09:39,830 I'm packing now. 286 00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:42,249 Was that so hard? 287 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,877 Hey, could you un-teach me how to swim 288 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,587 so I can drown myself? 289 00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,089 The font is electric. 290 00:09:49,131 --> 00:09:51,091 Trotsky used the same font in his earliest pamphlets. 291 00:09:51,133 --> 00:09:52,509 This font could change the world. 292 00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:53,677 Right, Abe? 293 00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,095 - Abe? - Huh? 294 00:09:55,137 --> 00:09:56,847 Oh, yes. Great font. 295 00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:59,933 Uh, hey, can we talk about the size? 296 00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:00,934 The size of what? 297 00:10:00,976 --> 00:10:02,269 The size of the paper. 298 00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:03,270 What about it? 299 00:10:03,312 --> 00:10:04,813 Well, it's... 300 00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,565 I mean... 301 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,650 This doesn't look strange to you? 302 00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:10,610 - Your outfit? - No. What? 303 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:12,612 Not my outfit. The paper. 304 00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,156 The paper is enormous. 305 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:15,741 Big ideas need space, Abe. 306 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,076 I understand that, but this is a lot of space. 307 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,787 I mean, it's not even shaped like a newspaper. 308 00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,456 You mean it's not shaped like The New York Times. 309 00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,124 The fascist New York Times. 310 00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,585 Forget everything you know about a newspaper, Abe. 311 00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,586 We're changing all the rules. 312 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,879 It's the '60s, man. 313 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,715 Yes, thank you for... reminding me of that. 314 00:10:31,757 --> 00:10:33,967 Uh, one more question here. 315 00:10:34,009 --> 00:10:36,053 Uh, where's the title? 316 00:10:36,094 --> 00:10:38,055 - It's on the fourth page. - The fourth? 317 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,765 You have to care enough about the cause to find it. 318 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,975 Keep going. Keep going. 319 00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:43,310 Keep going. 320 00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:44,936 Keep go... Oh, wait, you passed it. 321 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:45,937 I did? 322 00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,356 Oh. Yes. 323 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,274 There it is. 324 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,109 "Title to come." 325 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:52,694 Says it all. 326 00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:54,112 Did we settle on that or are we still pitching? 327 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,489 Abe. 328 00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:58,367 May I see you in the kitchen for a moment, please? 329 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,249 Who are they? 330 00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,043 My friends from the paper. 331 00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,545 Did you ask my permission before you invited your friends over? 332 00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:11,797 I thought I did. 333 00:11:11,838 --> 00:11:12,881 Well, you didn't. 334 00:11:12,923 --> 00:11:15,384 Well, I'm sorry, Shirley. 335 00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:18,804 But I did ask Moishe last night, 336 00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,472 and he said it was okay. 337 00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:21,515 He did? 338 00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:23,141 - Yes, he did. - Ah. 339 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,351 He never mentioned anything to me 340 00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:25,685 about you having your friends over. 341 00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:28,271 Well, maybe he forgot to tell you, but he did. 342 00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:30,107 - Should I ask him? - What? 343 00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:32,025 He's upstairs. I can ask him right now. 344 00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,235 I don't think... 345 00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:34,694 Moishe! 346 00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:37,823 Moishe, could you come down here, please? 347 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,282 Sh-Shirley, this is completely unnecessary. 348 00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:40,742 - Moishe! - Shirley. 349 00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:42,327 - Someone's in trouble. - Shut up, Alan. 350 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,787 - Moishe! - Yeah?! 351 00:11:43,829 --> 00:11:45,831 Can you come down here, please? 352 00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,207 Shirley, I assure you... 353 00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:48,750 - Moishe! - I'm not wearing pants! 354 00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,460 I need to ask you something. 355 00:11:50,502 --> 00:11:51,753 You can't ask me from there? 356 00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:53,713 - No. - Do I need to put on pants? 357 00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:55,340 - Yes! - All right. 358 00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,217 Even though it's Wednesday, and Wednesday's the day 359 00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:59,261 I stay home and work without pants! 360 00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:01,263 Shirley, we're just sitting in the dining room 361 00:12:01,304 --> 00:12:02,764 discussing the paper. 362 00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:04,474 We'll be another half hour at the most. 363 00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:06,059 All right, I'm down. 364 00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:08,395 - What do you want? - Did you give Abe permission 365 00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:10,105 - to have his friends over? - No. 366 00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:11,565 You did, too. 367 00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:14,109 - Remember? Last night? - No. 368 00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:15,444 - Abe says you did. - I did what? 369 00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:17,195 Say that he could have his friends over. 370 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,280 Ah. No. 371 00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:19,948 So, Abe, now you're lying to us? 372 00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:22,200 I am not lying. I asked. 373 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,119 He doesn't remember; it happens. 374 00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:26,079 - You didn't ask. - All right, fine. 375 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,664 I won't argue with you. 376 00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:31,168 But at this moment, my friends are here, in the dining room, 377 00:12:31,209 --> 00:12:33,420 which I told you they would be, 378 00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:36,131 and you forgot, but since you agreed 379 00:12:36,173 --> 00:12:37,883 that it would be fine for them to come, 380 00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:40,218 and since they are here... 381 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,762 there... already, 382 00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:46,183 what am I supposed to do? 383 00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:47,642 I don't think we need weather. If they want 384 00:12:47,684 --> 00:12:49,227 to know the weather, they can look outside. 385 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,897 That's crazy, man. 386 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,899 Something wrong, Abe? Again? 387 00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:55,525 I thought you'd be happy. 388 00:12:55,567 --> 00:12:56,776 We agreed to move the title back 389 00:12:56,818 --> 00:12:58,069 to the front page like you wanted. 390 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,280 I can't believe this spelling. 391 00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:03,408 How many Ls in latitude? Anyone? 392 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,535 Too long a pause. 393 00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:06,953 W-What are you doing? Are you correcting it? 394 00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,497 Apostrophe "S". 395 00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:11,583 We're fighting against fascism, not punctuation. 396 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,126 Wow. Dig the cap and gownship. 397 00:13:13,168 --> 00:13:14,419 I feel like I'm back in school, man. 398 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,087 You should be back in school. 399 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,757 This looks like it was written by a pack of jackals. 400 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,509 You know what, Abe? You're becoming a bit of a drag. 401 00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:22,177 Drag, drag, drag. 402 00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:23,803 We just finished our first paper. 403 00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:25,222 That's right. 404 00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:28,225 And Ezra has outdone himself. 405 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:31,603 I thought you were Alan's girlfriend. 406 00:13:31,645 --> 00:13:34,689 No woman is any man's property. 407 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:35,941 You should be looking at the ideas. 408 00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:37,359 Not the spelling. Not the grammar. 409 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,654 - Look, people... - Ugh. Old man lecture time. 410 00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:44,115 The greatest threat to humanity is ignorance. 411 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,576 That's why the free press is so important. 412 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:47,619 Abe. 413 00:13:49,913 --> 00:13:52,916 This is not a corporate, sanitized, proofed paper. 414 00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:55,669 It's real, it's raw, it's ragged. 415 00:13:55,710 --> 00:13:57,379 Who cares about spelling and punctuation 416 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,005 - and clarity? - And page numbers. 417 00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:01,174 You're not taking this seriously. 418 00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:03,510 In my day we took things seriously. 419 00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:06,054 Yes. And then there was World War I. 420 00:14:06,096 --> 00:14:07,764 What the hell does that mean? 421 00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:09,933 Next stop, 53rd and Lexington. 422 00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:11,476 - Next stop, 53 and Lex. - Okay. That's it. 423 00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,270 I'm gonna blow this pop stand. 424 00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:14,563 We're not done. 425 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,189 I've had my fill of your negativity. 426 00:14:16,231 --> 00:14:17,857 Plus, my mother's gonna do my laundry 427 00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,651 and if I get there before 6:00, there's chicken. 428 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:22,487 Your mother makes great chicken. 429 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:23,655 Can we stop at Bloomingdale's? 430 00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:24,781 I need pantyhose. 431 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,497 They spelled "New York" with a "C". 432 00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,958 Vive la résistance. 433 00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,128 I told you to get out of the sun. 434 00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:39,754 And I told you to go fuck yourself, 435 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:41,506 so neither one of us takes direction very well. 436 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:42,799 We'll find a pharmacy. 437 00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:44,259 Some calamine lotion, an aspirin, 438 00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:46,886 an ice bath... you'll feel much better. 439 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:48,847 I didn't mean you should go fuck yourself. 440 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,807 - I know. - I'm just very hot here. 441 00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,225 I know. 442 00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:54,561 - I'm sorry. - You're not going to die. 443 00:14:54,603 --> 00:14:56,271 Are you sure? 'Cause I feel like I'm gonna die. 444 00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:58,982 - You'll be fine. - I look scary. 445 00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:01,026 - Children are running from me. - They do that anyway. 446 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,694 Has nothing to do with the sunburn. 447 00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:05,155 Am I walking funny? Like I have elephant balls? 448 00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:09,200 No. You're walking like you have your normal-sized balls. 449 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,660 You think that old lady's mad 450 00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:12,078 I shoved her and took her umbrella? 451 00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,872 Well, you did tip her, so... 452 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,874 But she was getting back up when we walked away, right? 453 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,209 - Absolutely. - Those sirens weren't for her? 454 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,795 You want to look at the water? The water's pretty. 455 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,172 The plane ride back to New York's 456 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:23,590 gonna be a real treat. 457 00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:24,883 You sure you have to go back now? 458 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,384 You can't wait a day? 459 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,970 I promised you I wouldn't talk about her. 460 00:15:29,012 --> 00:15:30,388 Can I give you some advice? 461 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,640 Stay out of the sun. 462 00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:33,725 No, some real advice. 463 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:35,602 About Sophie. 464 00:15:35,644 --> 00:15:37,604 You need to be strong. 465 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:39,606 - What are you talking about? - Sophie's a bully. 466 00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:41,399 A bully only responds to other bullies. 467 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,859 Where'd you learn that, on the mean streets 468 00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:44,444 of the Upper West Side? 469 00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,488 She hired you to guide her the way you guide me. 470 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,239 You don't pull any punches with me. 471 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,116 Sometimes I wish you would. Sometimes I think, 472 00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:51,951 my God, if only Susie wouldn't mention 473 00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:53,703 every single thing that I did wrong. 474 00:15:53,745 --> 00:15:55,080 Every joke I missed. 475 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:56,414 Every laugh I jumped. 476 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,041 Every town I pronounced wrong. 477 00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,376 Hoboken. How hard is that? 478 00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:00,919 But you don't let up, 479 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,129 and you don't back down, and you don't lie to me. 480 00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:04,506 You're tough. 481 00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:05,757 You're tough with me. 482 00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:07,926 You have to be tough with Sophie. 483 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,928 Okay. You're right. 484 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,597 I'll be tough. 485 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,808 Ow. Ow. Ow. 486 00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:16,434 Yeah, a little tougher than that. 487 00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:20,230 Okay. 488 00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:22,232 That's gonna stay put. 489 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,317 50-50 shot. 490 00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:25,735 Well? Did you find it? 491 00:16:25,777 --> 00:16:28,196 - No. - No. Of course no. 492 00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:30,573 The only word I ever hear in English in this place is "no." 493 00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,409 - Who was that? - Plumber. 494 00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:34,035 There's a rumbling in the walls 495 00:16:34,077 --> 00:16:35,829 that's either rusty pipes or a golem. 496 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,956 Let's hope for rusty pipes. 497 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,999 - Come grab some buns! - Excuse me? 498 00:16:40,041 --> 00:16:42,460 Red bean buns. They have healing qualities. 499 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,838 I thought you'd need them after the plumber gave you the news. 500 00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:46,131 - What news? - He didn't tell you? 501 00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,299 - No. - Have a bun. 502 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,760 - Tell me what he said. - No, I'll let him tell you. 503 00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:52,595 I don't want to become the face of bad news. 504 00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:55,432 When you look at this face, all I want you to think is... 505 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,066 - You know it's not fair when you do that. -I do. 506 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:10,655 Paint... that. 507 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,532 I'm studying. 508 00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,909 Fix things quietly. 509 00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:17,620 Okay, let's start with the... Hey. 510 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:19,372 What did the plumber say? 511 00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:20,457 Working. Studying. 512 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,167 Ooh! Cancer. Fun. 513 00:17:22,208 --> 00:17:25,128 - You do have a type. - Yes, I do. 514 00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,046 Are we using the word "girlfriend"? 515 00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:29,048 - No. Not yet. - Okay. 516 00:17:29,090 --> 00:17:31,176 She did give me a phone number. Not sure it's hers, 517 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,927 but there's the right amount of digits. 518 00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:34,721 Every great love story started just like that. 519 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:38,641 - Golem? - That's him. 520 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,769 So, when the exorcism is done, 521 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:41,770 how long till you can open the place? 522 00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:43,480 I don't know. Why? 523 00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,648 Well, as a friend, I take an interest in your success. 524 00:17:45,690 --> 00:17:47,192 And? 525 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:48,818 Imogene's getting a little less tolerant 526 00:17:48,860 --> 00:17:50,570 about my time here. 527 00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:53,031 I bought her a new blender, but the novelty is wearing off. 528 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,949 So, just wondering, what do you think will get me 529 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:57,494 to the opening, a new set of bar glasses or something bigger? 530 00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:59,120 - Bigger. - Dishwasher? 531 00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:00,413 If this liquor license doesn't come through soon, 532 00:18:00,455 --> 00:18:01,831 there won't be a club. 533 00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:03,833 The guy in charge is a pain in the ass. 534 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:06,044 I'm gonna go down there tomorrow to appeal in person. 535 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,879 - Try the charm offense. - Mm-hmm. 536 00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:09,547 So, car. Convertible or hard top? 537 00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,007 I'd go summer home. 538 00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,300 - By the lake? - With a boat. 539 00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:13,885 And Cary Grant as her new husband. 540 00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:16,221 I think that you are shaking. 541 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:20,809 A big strong fella like you, and with such arms. 542 00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:22,685 This is very exciting. 543 00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:24,103 It is. 544 00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,148 Can't you sit still? 545 00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:28,650 There, now. There. It is gone. 546 00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:31,528 You're giving off a lot of heat. 547 00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:35,323 Miss Julie, listen to me. 548 00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:38,368 Christine has gone to bed now. 549 00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:40,036 Won't you listen to me? 550 00:18:40,078 --> 00:18:42,330 Kiss my hand first. 551 00:18:42,372 --> 00:18:43,706 Listen to me. 552 00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:46,084 Kiss my hand first! 553 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,502 Too loud again? 554 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:48,920 Well, there's an exclamation point, 555 00:18:48,962 --> 00:18:50,380 so I thought I'd do that. 556 00:18:50,421 --> 00:18:53,258 Play tennis. 557 00:18:53,299 --> 00:18:54,551 Continue. 558 00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:56,094 For what? 559 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,055 - Are you still a mere child at 25? - Mm. 560 00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:01,683 Don't you know that it is dangerous playing with fire? 561 00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:05,728 Not for me. I'm insured. I... 562 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,611 Lob the ball. 563 00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:16,364 Continue. 564 00:19:20,243 --> 00:19:21,828 Not for me. 565 00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:23,955 I am insured. 566 00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:26,499 No, you are not. 567 00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:27,917 And even if you were. 568 00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,878 there are inflammable surroundings 569 00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:31,379 to be countered with. 570 00:19:31,421 --> 00:19:34,716 You, I suppose? 571 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:37,802 Is that me again? 572 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,137 Yes, it's me. 573 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,180 - Sophie. - Yes. 574 00:19:41,222 --> 00:19:44,225 Serve and don't volley. 575 00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:47,520 Manager. I need my manager. 576 00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:48,938 Yep, Sophie, right here. 577 00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:50,315 I'm not feeling safe. 578 00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,025 And I can't create if I'm not feeling safe. 579 00:19:52,066 --> 00:19:54,068 As long as we're stopped, I have a question. 580 00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,570 What am I doing offstage? 581 00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:56,696 Am I still asleep? 582 00:19:56,738 --> 00:19:57,822 Who are you? 583 00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:58,865 I'm Moira. 584 00:19:58,907 --> 00:19:59,991 I'm in the play with you. 585 00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:01,743 She's playing Christine. 586 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:03,286 Who's Christine? 587 00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:06,623 The third character in this three-person play. 588 00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:09,000 All right. This is exactly what I'm talking about. 589 00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:11,085 I need to be told things. 590 00:20:11,127 --> 00:20:12,921 I should have been informed that there was 591 00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:14,255 a third person in this play. 592 00:20:14,297 --> 00:20:16,174 I read with you for my audition. 593 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,635 Let's return to the top. Who wants to serve? 594 00:20:18,676 --> 00:20:20,720 No! No, stop. No serving. 595 00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:22,931 No one's listening to me. No one respects me. 596 00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:25,099 - Everyone respects you. - Oh, really? 597 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:27,393 Then where is my set? 598 00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,812 Other leading ladies get sets. 599 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:31,397 Where's mine? 600 00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:33,107 The set is still being built, Sophie. 601 00:20:33,149 --> 00:20:35,151 We taped out the dimensions of it on the floor. 602 00:20:35,193 --> 00:20:36,569 I need more than tape. 603 00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:38,196 I am creating a reality. 604 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,573 And at the beginning of the play, I enter. 605 00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:42,450 How do I enter? 606 00:20:42,492 --> 00:20:44,494 Well, that's the door there. 607 00:20:44,535 --> 00:20:45,995 That is not a door. 608 00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:48,414 That is more tape. I cannot open tape. 609 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,959 I cannot feel tape in my hand. 610 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,711 And when I come in, I am opening a door. 611 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:56,089 How do I know what it feels like 612 00:20:56,130 --> 00:20:58,216 - to open a door? - Sophie. 613 00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,343 If I may? Over there is a door, 614 00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:02,053 why don't you just remind yourself? 615 00:21:38,548 --> 00:21:40,800 This could be more entertaining than the play. 616 00:21:40,842 --> 00:21:42,135 Mm. 617 00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:44,929 Oh. God bless you, sir. 618 00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:02,280 Room service. 619 00:22:03,865 --> 00:22:05,158 Finally. 620 00:22:05,199 --> 00:22:07,160 You come from Jersey? 621 00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:08,453 You want to eat? 622 00:22:17,045 --> 00:22:19,297 Beer's in the bathtub, booze is on the sill. 623 00:22:20,965 --> 00:22:22,967 Thank you. 624 00:22:25,428 --> 00:22:26,971 Here you go. 625 00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:29,223 Got a bathtub full of ice. 626 00:22:29,265 --> 00:22:30,975 I like cold beer. 627 00:22:31,017 --> 00:22:32,435 How do you shower? 628 00:22:32,477 --> 00:22:34,312 There's showers at the pool. 629 00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:36,314 That's ingenious. 630 00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,357 That's 15 years on the road. 631 00:22:42,278 --> 00:22:44,072 To someone with tits to talk to. 632 00:22:44,113 --> 00:22:47,116 I was gonna go with "new friends," but yours is better. 633 00:22:48,534 --> 00:22:50,578 What didn't you order? 634 00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:52,497 The fish. Stinks up the drapes. 635 00:22:52,538 --> 00:22:54,749 You pay for all this on your per diem? 636 00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:57,085 No. I charge it to Howard's room. 637 00:22:57,126 --> 00:22:59,295 - You're kidding. - For the last three years. 638 00:22:59,337 --> 00:23:00,963 Does he know? 639 00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:03,132 Howard doesn't know anything but how to tune a piano. 640 00:23:03,174 --> 00:23:04,675 And by "tune a piano," you mean...? 641 00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:06,552 He's the piano tuner. 642 00:23:06,594 --> 00:23:08,221 Oh. Okay. 643 00:23:08,262 --> 00:23:09,931 So literally tune... 644 00:23:09,972 --> 00:23:12,558 Sometimes words mean different things. I got it now. 645 00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:17,772 - Oh. - Mmm. 646 00:23:17,814 --> 00:23:19,732 This is good. 647 00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:22,276 I'm so exhausted after these shows, 648 00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:24,153 sometimes I can't even dial room service. 649 00:23:24,195 --> 00:23:25,863 I know. 650 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,491 At least behind a bandstand, I can take my shoes off. 651 00:23:28,533 --> 00:23:30,118 You can take your shoes off? 652 00:23:30,159 --> 00:23:31,786 I keep slippers back there. 653 00:23:31,828 --> 00:23:33,913 Fuzzy ones, rabbit ears. 654 00:23:33,955 --> 00:23:35,456 Lucky. 655 00:23:35,498 --> 00:23:37,542 15 years. 656 00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:40,002 - Cute kids. - Thanks. 657 00:23:40,044 --> 00:23:42,380 That one's gonna be a huge asshole. 658 00:23:42,421 --> 00:23:44,173 How can you tell? 659 00:23:44,215 --> 00:23:47,468 He's just like his dad... who was a huge asshole. 660 00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:49,679 Do you miss them? 661 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:52,306 I mean, I know you miss them, but... 662 00:23:52,348 --> 00:23:55,768 They're with my mother, who is the queen of apple strudel, 663 00:23:55,810 --> 00:23:57,645 so they have a pretty good life. 664 00:23:57,687 --> 00:23:59,897 I send home the money. 665 00:23:59,939 --> 00:24:02,316 Nancy's starting ballet next week, 666 00:24:02,358 --> 00:24:04,193 so I'll be supporting her forever. 667 00:24:05,695 --> 00:24:07,822 Yeah. I miss 'em. 668 00:24:07,864 --> 00:24:10,783 You ever feel guilty? 669 00:24:10,825 --> 00:24:12,994 My dad was a traveling salesman. 670 00:24:13,035 --> 00:24:15,079 Gone six days out of seven. 671 00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:17,874 Nobody thought twice about that. 672 00:24:17,915 --> 00:24:19,959 What about your kids? 673 00:24:20,001 --> 00:24:22,003 They live with their father while I'm gone. 674 00:24:22,044 --> 00:24:24,380 Really? He takes the kids? 675 00:24:24,422 --> 00:24:26,257 - Yup. - Shit. 676 00:24:26,299 --> 00:24:27,717 Is he single? 677 00:24:27,758 --> 00:24:29,468 I don't think so. 678 00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:31,262 So, you're divorced. 679 00:24:31,304 --> 00:24:33,306 Yes. 680 00:24:33,347 --> 00:24:35,057 Who you got your eye on? 681 00:24:35,099 --> 00:24:37,435 I don't have my eye on anyone. 682 00:24:37,476 --> 00:24:39,353 What are you saving it for? 683 00:24:39,395 --> 00:24:40,980 The Smithsonian. 684 00:24:41,022 --> 00:24:43,107 Gonna put it right next to "The Star-Spangled Banner." 685 00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:45,818 You've had sex since your husband, right? 686 00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:47,820 Well... yes. 687 00:24:47,862 --> 00:24:49,947 With my fiancé. 688 00:24:49,989 --> 00:24:52,617 Oh. Where is he? 689 00:24:52,658 --> 00:24:54,744 He's back home wondering what happened. 690 00:24:54,785 --> 00:24:56,204 What happened? 691 00:24:56,245 --> 00:25:00,166 Shy Baldwin asked me to go on tour. 692 00:25:00,208 --> 00:25:04,337 Okay, well, here's the skinny on one-night stands. 693 00:25:04,378 --> 00:25:07,131 If it's a guy in the band, keep it simple. 694 00:25:07,173 --> 00:25:08,799 No feelings. 695 00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:11,052 They can't think you're a girly girl. 696 00:25:11,093 --> 00:25:13,095 Go to their place, never yours. 697 00:25:13,137 --> 00:25:14,722 That way, you can leave. 698 00:25:14,764 --> 00:25:17,350 And if the place is a slum, don't screw him. 699 00:25:17,391 --> 00:25:20,061 If his room's dirty, imagine how clean the rest of him is. 700 00:25:20,102 --> 00:25:21,604 Ew. 701 00:25:21,646 --> 00:25:23,356 - You have a gun? - What? 702 00:25:23,397 --> 00:25:25,358 It's not necessary. 703 00:25:25,399 --> 00:25:27,193 Keys are a good weapon. 704 00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:29,737 High heels are great, and they never see it coming, 705 00:25:29,779 --> 00:25:32,907 and most hotels have an on-site shoe repair. 706 00:25:32,949 --> 00:25:35,993 Sometimes, if the guy seems really sketchy, 707 00:25:36,035 --> 00:25:37,870 but I just got to have some, 708 00:25:37,912 --> 00:25:40,706 I'll shove a matchbook cover in the door for an easier getaway. 709 00:25:42,416 --> 00:25:44,377 You look scared. 710 00:25:44,418 --> 00:25:46,087 Gee, why would that be? 711 00:25:46,128 --> 00:25:48,130 Sorry. 712 00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:50,508 I should've eased you into it. 713 00:25:50,549 --> 00:25:52,760 It's just... 714 00:25:52,802 --> 00:25:54,804 it gets lonely sometimes. 715 00:25:54,845 --> 00:25:57,556 A lot of people can't stick it out. 716 00:25:57,598 --> 00:25:59,558 They get worn down. 717 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,770 Tired of the travel, the food. 718 00:26:02,812 --> 00:26:06,274 Your clothes are never as clean as you want them to be. 719 00:26:06,315 --> 00:26:09,694 The pillows are either too hard or too soft. 720 00:26:09,735 --> 00:26:13,281 But on the other hand, 721 00:26:13,322 --> 00:26:15,408 you see the world. 722 00:26:15,449 --> 00:26:17,994 You answer to no one. 723 00:26:18,035 --> 00:26:21,872 The audiences, when they're great, 724 00:26:21,914 --> 00:26:24,125 are really great. 725 00:26:24,166 --> 00:26:26,502 And you're not having to go to your grave 726 00:26:26,544 --> 00:26:28,504 not having done anything interesting. 727 00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:34,802 I would get a gun, though. 728 00:27:00,161 --> 00:27:01,662 Where's Ethan? 729 00:27:01,704 --> 00:27:03,080 I thought he was playing 730 00:27:03,122 --> 00:27:04,832 with the little boy across the street. 731 00:27:04,874 --> 00:27:06,751 - Jimmy Junior? - I don't know. 732 00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:08,169 The little boy across the street. 733 00:27:08,210 --> 00:27:09,587 Petey Stritch? 734 00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:11,213 I don't know. 735 00:27:11,255 --> 00:27:14,008 Jacob Cohen? Patrick Matthews? Ollie Brice? 736 00:27:14,050 --> 00:27:16,677 How many little boys live across the street, Shirley? 737 00:27:29,398 --> 00:27:33,611 Ethan Maisel, where are you? 738 00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:35,738 Ethan! 739 00:27:35,780 --> 00:27:38,574 Ethan Shimon Maisel! 740 00:27:38,616 --> 00:27:40,618 It's Grandma! 741 00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:43,204 Grandma Shirley, not Grandma Rose. 742 00:27:43,245 --> 00:27:44,955 I'm making lunch! 743 00:27:44,997 --> 00:27:46,707 What would you like? 744 00:27:46,749 --> 00:27:49,627 I have chicken, I have peanut butter. 745 00:27:49,668 --> 00:27:52,630 I have peanut butter with jelly, I have soup. 746 00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:54,840 Chicken soup, tomato soup, 747 00:27:54,882 --> 00:27:58,135 vegetable soup, chicken vegetable soup! 748 00:27:58,177 --> 00:27:59,970 Hey lady, shut up! 749 00:28:00,012 --> 00:28:02,640 You shut up! I'm talking to my grandson. 750 00:28:02,681 --> 00:28:04,141 The whole neighborhood doesn't 751 00:28:04,183 --> 00:28:06,060 want to hear about your goddamn soup! 752 00:28:06,102 --> 00:28:07,561 Then don't listen! 753 00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:09,647 Ethan, I have potato leek, 754 00:28:09,688 --> 00:28:11,857 I have beef barley. 755 00:28:11,899 --> 00:28:13,776 Nobody cares! Shut up! 756 00:28:13,818 --> 00:28:15,653 - You shut up! - You shut up! 757 00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:17,154 Both of you shut up! 758 00:28:17,196 --> 00:28:18,989 - Shirley! - Oh, God. 759 00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:20,616 Rose, you scared me. 760 00:28:20,658 --> 00:28:22,743 What is the matter with you?! We have neighbors! 761 00:28:22,785 --> 00:28:24,829 And right now, they are all looking at you 762 00:28:24,870 --> 00:28:26,956 like you're insane, and therefore, they're looking at me 763 00:28:26,997 --> 00:28:30,209 like I'm insane because I live here with you in this house! 764 00:28:30,251 --> 00:28:31,710 We are the insane house on the street! 765 00:28:31,752 --> 00:28:33,712 The house that people talk about at barbecues, 766 00:28:33,754 --> 00:28:36,006 and tell their children to avoid at Halloween. 767 00:28:36,048 --> 00:28:38,968 We are the loud, uncouth, terrifying, 768 00:28:39,009 --> 00:28:41,137 disturbing house that ruins it for everyone! 769 00:28:41,178 --> 00:28:43,389 With the screaming and the yelling and the leaving for work 770 00:28:43,431 --> 00:28:45,182 at 5:00 in the morning, even on Saturday! 771 00:28:45,224 --> 00:28:46,934 And we're Jews! 772 00:28:46,976 --> 00:28:49,228 Abe and I came here normal people. 773 00:28:49,270 --> 00:28:52,606 Educated, cultivated people with pride and dignity! 774 00:28:52,648 --> 00:28:54,984 And now, I live in Queens, and I smell like onions 775 00:28:55,025 --> 00:28:56,402 - all the time. - Shut up! 776 00:28:56,444 --> 00:28:58,279 Oh, you shut up, putz! 777 00:28:58,320 --> 00:28:59,989 Can't you recognize a complete psychotic break 778 00:29:00,030 --> 00:29:02,158 - when you see one?! - I'm calling the cops! 779 00:29:02,199 --> 00:29:03,909 Oh, go back inside! 780 00:29:03,951 --> 00:29:05,411 You want to see a show? 781 00:29:05,453 --> 00:29:07,371 Get in your car and drive to Manhattan. 782 00:29:07,413 --> 00:29:10,124 Why isn't there a movie theater in this godforsaken wasteland 783 00:29:10,166 --> 00:29:12,042 you people call a neighborhood? 784 00:29:12,084 --> 00:29:15,337 There's one on Metropolitan, asshole! 785 00:29:15,379 --> 00:29:17,214 You have got to get ahold of yourself. 786 00:29:17,256 --> 00:29:19,717 Me? Me?! 787 00:29:19,758 --> 00:29:21,886 If you don't mind my saying so, 788 00:29:21,927 --> 00:29:24,472 I think you're taking this relocation very badly. 789 00:29:24,513 --> 00:29:26,015 Maybe you should talk to someone. 790 00:29:26,056 --> 00:29:27,850 Now, normally, I don't believe in psychiatry, 791 00:29:27,892 --> 00:29:30,144 but in your case, it might be a good idea, 792 00:29:30,186 --> 00:29:31,562 because you're nuts. 793 00:29:31,604 --> 00:29:33,022 Just don't talk about us. 794 00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:34,690 Freddy's gonna stay for lunch! 795 00:29:34,732 --> 00:29:36,108 Oh, what do you want? 796 00:29:36,150 --> 00:29:38,486 I got chicken, I've got peanut butter, 797 00:29:38,527 --> 00:29:41,363 I've got peanut butter and jelly, I've got soup. 798 00:29:41,405 --> 00:29:44,450 I've got chicken soup, tomato soup, 799 00:29:44,492 --> 00:29:46,202 vegetable soup... 800 00:29:49,788 --> 00:29:52,374 Miguel, is this funny? 801 00:29:52,416 --> 00:29:54,710 "This humidity in Florida is so unrelenting, 802 00:29:54,752 --> 00:29:56,879 even my mother thinks it should calm down." 803 00:29:56,921 --> 00:29:58,380 No. 804 00:29:58,422 --> 00:29:59,965 Really, take your time. 805 00:30:00,007 --> 00:30:01,759 One more. And one for yourself. 806 00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,219 It'll seem funnier then. 807 00:30:04,762 --> 00:30:06,138 - Good book? - Not yet. 808 00:30:06,180 --> 00:30:08,265 - Can I buy you a drink? - Got one coming. 809 00:30:08,307 --> 00:30:10,267 - Put it on my tab. - Oh, no thank you. 810 00:30:10,309 --> 00:30:11,727 Very sweet, but I'm working. 811 00:30:11,769 --> 00:30:13,479 Really? Working? 812 00:30:13,521 --> 00:30:16,190 Well, this hotel certainly draws a nicer class of working girls. 813 00:30:16,232 --> 00:30:19,109 Yeah, look, Mom, I'm not a hooker. 814 00:30:19,151 --> 00:30:21,904 I'm working on my act, and I can pay for my own drink. 815 00:30:21,946 --> 00:30:23,781 Okay. Modern woman. 816 00:30:23,822 --> 00:30:25,449 Maybe I should just keep you company 817 00:30:25,491 --> 00:30:27,785 so no other man makes the mistake I just did. 818 00:30:27,826 --> 00:30:30,496 I appreciate you wanting to be the savior of my reputation, 819 00:30:30,538 --> 00:30:33,040 but I'm busy writing dick jokes, so if you don't mind... 820 00:30:33,082 --> 00:30:35,459 Number three really paints a picture. 821 00:30:35,501 --> 00:30:37,211 What on earth are you doing here? 822 00:30:37,253 --> 00:30:39,630 - I am living here. - In Florida? 823 00:30:39,672 --> 00:30:42,216 At some point, every Jew must live in Florida. 824 00:30:42,258 --> 00:30:44,218 - It's in the Torah. - Wow. 825 00:30:44,260 --> 00:30:46,804 You know, it's weird, I never picture you living anywhere. 826 00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:48,222 You just exist. 827 00:30:48,264 --> 00:30:49,890 Well, sorry to disappoint you, 828 00:30:49,932 --> 00:30:52,309 but I do live places, and right now, it's here. 829 00:30:52,351 --> 00:30:55,312 I got a key, I get mail, I wear an apron. 830 00:30:55,354 --> 00:30:56,939 Must go good with that tie. 831 00:30:56,981 --> 00:30:58,482 I heard Shy was in town, 832 00:30:58,524 --> 00:31:00,901 so I thought I would stop by and say hello. 833 00:31:00,943 --> 00:31:02,903 Hello. 834 00:31:02,945 --> 00:31:04,363 Good-bye. 835 00:31:06,448 --> 00:31:08,576 You want to sit? 836 00:31:08,617 --> 00:31:10,578 3:00 in the afternoon... 837 00:31:10,619 --> 00:31:14,164 a pen, a notebook and a drink. 838 00:31:14,206 --> 00:31:16,250 All you need is a social disease, 839 00:31:16,292 --> 00:31:18,252 and you are officially a road comic. 840 00:31:18,294 --> 00:31:20,504 How long are you in town? 841 00:31:20,546 --> 00:31:22,339 - Two frizz-filled weeks. - Good. 842 00:31:22,381 --> 00:31:24,592 I am heading out of town for a couple of days 843 00:31:24,633 --> 00:31:25,968 - to make some money. - Oh. 844 00:31:26,010 --> 00:31:27,761 Apparently, "alimony" means "money." 845 00:31:27,803 --> 00:31:29,513 I did not know that. 846 00:31:29,555 --> 00:31:32,057 When I get back, we should grab a drink. 847 00:31:32,099 --> 00:31:33,726 I would love that. 848 00:31:33,767 --> 00:31:36,228 I will give you a ring. 849 00:31:36,270 --> 00:31:38,355 I was serious about number three. 850 00:31:38,397 --> 00:31:40,357 The comparison to William Frawley 851 00:31:40,399 --> 00:31:42,276 is particularly inspired. 852 00:31:45,571 --> 00:31:47,197 Hmm. 853 00:32:02,254 --> 00:32:03,839 Get in. 854 00:32:06,216 --> 00:32:08,302 Get in the cab, Abe, right now. 855 00:32:08,344 --> 00:32:10,012 But where are we going? 856 00:32:10,054 --> 00:32:12,097 It's dinner time. I'm hungry. 857 00:32:12,139 --> 00:32:13,891 - She's made stuffed cabbage. - Move over. 858 00:33:31,051 --> 00:33:32,845 Mama? Papa? 859 00:33:32,886 --> 00:33:35,264 Oh, thank God this is the right hotel. 860 00:33:35,305 --> 00:33:37,266 I know you told us, but I wasn't sure, 861 00:33:37,307 --> 00:33:38,726 and your father wasn't listening. 862 00:33:38,767 --> 00:33:39,977 What are you doing here? 863 00:33:40,018 --> 00:33:42,146 Well, I hate Moishe and Shirley. 864 00:33:42,187 --> 00:33:44,523 Yes. But did something specific happen? 865 00:33:44,565 --> 00:33:46,358 Shirley was screaming in the street, 866 00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:48,152 and then I started screaming in the street, 867 00:33:48,193 --> 00:33:50,779 - and I called a man a putz. - I wasn't there for that part. 868 00:33:50,821 --> 00:33:52,906 I was on the subway, because they won't let me 869 00:33:52,948 --> 00:33:55,576 - have my friends over. - She made Zelda take off her uniform. 870 00:33:55,617 --> 00:33:58,412 And she is using stuffed cabbage in a very punitive manner. 871 00:33:58,454 --> 00:34:01,123 So, the next thing I know, I threw some things in a suitcase, 872 00:34:01,165 --> 00:34:03,000 I grabbed your father, we got in the cab. 873 00:34:03,041 --> 00:34:04,626 Took the cab to the train station. 874 00:34:04,668 --> 00:34:06,253 - Got on the train. - Headed west. 875 00:34:06,295 --> 00:34:08,046 We hit Dayton and thought, "Cows?" 876 00:34:08,088 --> 00:34:09,757 - So we headed south. - And thought of you. 877 00:34:09,798 --> 00:34:11,258 - So we headed east. - Then south again. 878 00:34:11,300 --> 00:34:13,010 And here we are. I'm sorry, we should've called. 879 00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:14,386 We just didn't want to stop moving. 880 00:34:14,428 --> 00:34:16,555 In case they were coming after us. 881 00:34:16,597 --> 00:34:17,931 Well, I think it's great. 882 00:34:17,973 --> 00:34:19,224 You can stay here. 883 00:34:19,266 --> 00:34:20,934 We'll have a mini family vacation, 884 00:34:20,976 --> 00:34:22,895 and you can finally see my show. 885 00:34:22,936 --> 00:34:25,147 - Oh... - It's comedy or cabbage. 886 00:34:25,189 --> 00:34:27,232 Rose. 887 00:34:27,274 --> 00:34:28,400 Okay. 888 00:34:28,442 --> 00:34:29,902 Well, you'd better be funny. 889 00:34:29,943 --> 00:34:31,236 There you go! 890 00:34:31,278 --> 00:34:32,905 Okay. Tonight you'll stay in my room. 891 00:34:32,946 --> 00:34:34,531 You relax, shower, order room service, 892 00:34:34,573 --> 00:34:36,617 and then tomorrow you'll come to my show, 893 00:34:36,658 --> 00:34:39,369 and then I'll introduce you to Shy Baldwin. 894 00:34:39,411 --> 00:34:41,079 Take my key. 895 00:34:41,121 --> 00:34:42,790 - Wait, where will you sleep? - Oh, don't worry about me. 896 00:34:42,831 --> 00:34:44,625 I'll bunk with one of the girls from the band. 897 00:34:44,666 --> 00:34:48,045 Now, anything you need, get it and sign it to the room, and... 898 00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:50,631 What smells like onions? 899 00:34:50,672 --> 00:34:51,965 All right, we're off. 900 00:34:52,007 --> 00:34:53,467 Abe, get the bags. 901 00:34:53,509 --> 00:34:54,927 Thank you for the room. 902 00:34:54,968 --> 00:34:56,970 Can't wait to see your show. 903 00:34:58,722 --> 00:35:00,557 Shit. 904 00:35:00,599 --> 00:35:02,643 I know I've talked a lot 905 00:35:02,684 --> 00:35:04,144 about my parents tonight, 906 00:35:04,186 --> 00:35:06,063 but that's just because they are here. 907 00:35:06,104 --> 00:35:07,773 In Florida. 908 00:35:07,815 --> 00:35:09,733 Can you feel it? 909 00:35:09,775 --> 00:35:11,652 They're coming to my show tomorrow, so I need 910 00:35:11,693 --> 00:35:13,612 to get all this out of my system tonight. 911 00:35:13,654 --> 00:35:16,573 Tonight I can talk about sex and men 912 00:35:16,615 --> 00:35:19,284 and sex with men and sexy men 913 00:35:19,326 --> 00:35:21,328 and sex with sexy men, 914 00:35:21,370 --> 00:35:23,080 but tomorrow, that's all off limits, 915 00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:25,541 because my parents don't know I'm not a virgin. 916 00:35:27,084 --> 00:35:29,419 You'd think my two kids might have been a tip-off. 917 00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:32,548 I'm amazed the "those are my cobbler's apprentices" story 918 00:35:32,589 --> 00:35:35,092 has held up for so long. 919 00:35:35,133 --> 00:35:37,386 Maybe my parents think that when I got divorced, 920 00:35:37,427 --> 00:35:39,471 it made me a virgin all over again. 921 00:35:39,513 --> 00:35:40,889 Like, the judge says: 922 00:35:40,931 --> 00:35:42,683 "I grant your divorce 923 00:35:42,724 --> 00:35:44,226 "and restore everything up your skirt 924 00:35:44,268 --> 00:35:46,645 to its original condition." 925 00:35:46,687 --> 00:35:48,689 And then bangs his little gavel. 926 00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:52,025 But my parents are people who do not like change. 927 00:35:52,067 --> 00:35:54,403 When my husband left me, my father said, 928 00:35:54,444 --> 00:35:55,988 "Go get him back." 929 00:35:56,029 --> 00:35:58,448 Like I'd accidentally left the barn door open 930 00:35:58,490 --> 00:36:00,951 and Bessie the cow had wandered off. 931 00:36:00,993 --> 00:36:03,203 And when I didn't go get him back as instructed, 932 00:36:03,245 --> 00:36:05,247 my father was furious. 933 00:36:05,289 --> 00:36:06,748 My mother still hasn't heard he's gone, 934 00:36:06,790 --> 00:36:08,458 so she hasn't reacted yet. 935 00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:11,587 I mean, she's been told. She just hasn't heard it. 936 00:36:11,628 --> 00:36:14,381 And now they're here, 937 00:36:14,423 --> 00:36:16,675 in Florida, to watch their divorced daughter 938 00:36:16,717 --> 00:36:18,802 stand on stage and tell jokes. 939 00:36:18,844 --> 00:36:20,262 About them. 940 00:36:20,304 --> 00:36:22,472 Because they know that will kill them, 941 00:36:22,514 --> 00:36:24,433 and I'll feel bad forever, 942 00:36:24,474 --> 00:36:27,185 and then finally they will have won. 943 00:36:28,687 --> 00:36:31,315 I'm Mrs. Maisel. You've been a great audience, 944 00:36:31,356 --> 00:36:33,233 and to thank you for listening, 945 00:36:33,275 --> 00:36:36,278 I give you the one, the only... 946 00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:38,405 Shy Baldwin. 947 00:38:27,389 --> 00:38:29,975 I thought you were gonna call when you got back. 948 00:38:30,017 --> 00:38:31,601 I opted for a sneak attack. 949 00:38:31,643 --> 00:38:33,437 There's a lot of that going around. 950 00:38:33,478 --> 00:38:35,480 Gin martini, up, with olives. 951 00:38:35,522 --> 00:38:37,065 You should have seen my set. 952 00:38:37,107 --> 00:38:38,400 I saw your set. 953 00:38:38,442 --> 00:38:40,235 You did? How was I? 954 00:38:40,277 --> 00:38:41,653 Wow. Just like that? 955 00:38:41,695 --> 00:38:43,488 I usually start with some small talk. 956 00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:45,323 How have you been? Who's got gout? 957 00:38:45,365 --> 00:38:47,159 Nope. Life's short. Talk about me. 958 00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:49,786 - Excuse me, Mr. Bruce? - Uh, Mr. Bruce is my mother. 959 00:38:49,828 --> 00:38:51,788 - Lenny. Please. - Could I get...? 960 00:38:53,123 --> 00:38:54,624 You want hers? 961 00:38:54,666 --> 00:38:56,376 That's okay. 962 00:38:56,418 --> 00:38:57,377 That's showbiz. 963 00:38:57,419 --> 00:38:58,962 Thanks. 964 00:38:59,004 --> 00:39:01,506 I am very famous and important. 965 00:39:01,548 --> 00:39:03,050 Yes. We were talking about me, remember? 966 00:39:03,091 --> 00:39:05,302 I do. Uh, what are you doing tonight? 967 00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:06,720 Listening to you critique my act. 968 00:39:06,762 --> 00:39:08,305 I have a proposition for you. 969 00:39:08,346 --> 00:39:09,931 I have a work thing I have to do, 970 00:39:09,973 --> 00:39:12,642 but I was thinking, tag along, you might find it interesting. 971 00:39:12,684 --> 00:39:14,061 Could I work it into my act? 972 00:39:14,102 --> 00:39:15,562 The one you liked? Or didn't like? 973 00:39:15,604 --> 00:39:17,230 Afterward, I'll buy you dinner. 974 00:39:17,272 --> 00:39:19,357 - Deal? - Deal. 975 00:39:19,399 --> 00:39:21,610 - You ready to go? - I have to change. Ten minutes. 976 00:39:21,651 --> 00:39:23,612 And then you'll tell me what you thought about my act. 977 00:39:23,653 --> 00:39:25,614 Depends on how good the outfit is. 978 00:39:38,335 --> 00:39:39,920 Oh, how fabulous. 979 00:39:39,961 --> 00:39:41,588 Cameras in your living room. 980 00:39:41,630 --> 00:39:42,798 Mr. Bruce. 981 00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:44,674 Oh, no. Mr. Bruce is his mother. 982 00:39:44,716 --> 00:39:46,093 Very good. Yes, hello there. 983 00:39:46,134 --> 00:39:47,552 Lenny Bruce reporting for duty. 984 00:39:47,594 --> 00:39:49,221 - You're late. - Well, I'm here. 985 00:39:49,262 --> 00:39:51,515 That's early for me. Uh, this is Midge Maisel. 986 00:39:51,556 --> 00:39:54,226 - She's going to watch. Yes? - Of course. Uh, follow me. 987 00:39:54,267 --> 00:39:55,644 One hour, then I'll feed you. 988 00:39:55,685 --> 00:39:57,145 I'm starting my stopwatch. 989 00:39:57,187 --> 00:39:58,980 Brian, please get Miss Maisel situated. 990 00:39:59,022 --> 00:40:01,149 - I'm actually Mrs. Maisel. - Oh. You're married. 991 00:40:01,191 --> 00:40:02,943 No. Well... yes. 992 00:40:02,984 --> 00:40:04,069 I'm getting divorced. 993 00:40:04,111 --> 00:40:05,654 Again. From the same man. 994 00:40:05,695 --> 00:40:07,364 But Mrs. Maisel's also my stage name, so I'll... 995 00:40:07,405 --> 00:40:09,366 - Sit here. -Okay. I'll finish the story later. 996 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:11,284 You were clearly on the edge of your seat. 997 00:40:11,326 --> 00:40:13,703 He'll do the intros, throw it to Jem, then you're next. 998 00:40:13,745 --> 00:40:15,705 You sit here. We'll get you a drink. 999 00:40:15,747 --> 00:40:18,959 Later on you'll be joined by Bella Abzug and Zsa Zsa Gabor. 1000 00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:21,545 That can't end badly at all. 1001 00:40:21,586 --> 00:40:23,004 Uh, thank you. 1002 00:40:27,843 --> 00:40:29,427 You'll spoil your dinner. 1003 00:40:31,555 --> 00:40:33,348 Places, everyone. Places. 1004 00:40:33,390 --> 00:40:34,683 That's places, everyone. 1005 00:40:34,724 --> 00:40:37,018 Ladies, on either side of Mr. Bruce. 1006 00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:39,271 We go live in 20 seconds. 1007 00:40:45,152 --> 00:40:47,612 Five, four, 1008 00:40:47,654 --> 00:40:49,656 three, two... 1009 00:41:25,066 --> 00:41:26,693 Hello there. 1010 00:41:26,735 --> 00:41:29,654 Welcome to Miami's hippest party, Miami After Dark. 1011 00:41:29,696 --> 00:41:31,406 A gathering of the best, the brightest, 1012 00:41:31,448 --> 00:41:33,450 the coolest cats and kittens in town. 1013 00:41:33,491 --> 00:41:35,368 Grab a drink. 1014 00:41:38,872 --> 00:41:40,874 - Jem. - Hello, Brye. 1015 00:41:40,916 --> 00:41:42,250 Good turnout. 1016 00:41:42,292 --> 00:41:44,002 This is Jem Moreland. 1017 00:41:44,044 --> 00:41:46,546 He's composed some of the most beloved songs of all time. 1018 00:41:46,588 --> 00:41:49,090 How old were you when you wrote your first hit, Jem? 1019 00:41:49,132 --> 00:41:50,926 - 18, Brye. - 18. Boy, oh, boy. 1020 00:41:50,967 --> 00:41:52,636 What was I doing at 18? 1021 00:41:52,677 --> 00:41:54,930 All the things I wished I was doing at 18. 1022 00:41:54,971 --> 00:41:57,766 I wasn't, and that's why I wrote my first hit. 1023 00:41:57,807 --> 00:42:00,143 - Well, ladies like a success. - And a love song. 1024 00:42:00,185 --> 00:42:02,479 Speaking of which, you have a new one coming out soon. 1025 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:06,149 I do. It was just recorded by Mr. Frank Sinatra. 1026 00:42:06,191 --> 00:42:10,237 And, uh, it goes a little something... like this. 1027 00:42:10,278 --> 00:42:11,363 Three, four. 1028 00:42:39,182 --> 00:42:41,601 Marge, I'll get back to you in a minute. 1029 00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:44,980 Marjorie Merriweather Post. 1030 00:42:45,021 --> 00:42:46,189 You should see her house. 1031 00:42:46,231 --> 00:42:48,608 Mar-a-Lago is as elegant as she is. 1032 00:42:50,777 --> 00:42:52,696 Hello, girls. Having fun? 1033 00:42:52,737 --> 00:42:55,031 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1034 00:42:55,073 --> 00:42:56,324 Okay. 1035 00:42:59,369 --> 00:43:01,538 You all know notorious comedian Lenny Bruce. 1036 00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:03,540 - You enjoying the party? - Not bad. 1037 00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:06,334 Uh, well, Zsa Zsa just won 20 bucks off me. 1038 00:43:06,376 --> 00:43:08,837 She plays a mean game of truth or dare. 1039 00:43:08,878 --> 00:43:12,215 A-And a very adult version of hide-and-seek. 1040 00:43:12,257 --> 00:43:14,968 If I ever need to get drugs to Mexico, I know who to call. 1041 00:43:15,010 --> 00:43:16,970 - I wonder if I can get a drink. - Well, I'd give you mine, 1042 00:43:17,012 --> 00:43:18,179 but Zsa Zsa drank it. 1043 00:43:18,221 --> 00:43:19,848 Like a really sexy camel. 1044 00:43:19,889 --> 00:43:21,266 Careful, Lenny. 1045 00:43:21,308 --> 00:43:23,935 - Or I'll marry you. - Ho-ho. 1046 00:43:24,853 --> 00:43:26,646 Oh, great. Thank you. 1047 00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:30,233 I think she likes you. 1048 00:43:30,275 --> 00:43:32,777 She's just never seen a circumcised schmeckle before. 1049 00:43:32,819 --> 00:43:34,779 Uh, but actually, 1050 00:43:34,821 --> 00:43:37,490 Brye, I'm here with someone special tonight. 1051 00:43:37,532 --> 00:43:39,200 Someone I love dearly, 1052 00:43:39,242 --> 00:43:41,328 almost as much as I love myself. 1053 00:43:41,369 --> 00:43:43,413 Uh... uh, sweetheart? 1054 00:43:43,455 --> 00:43:44,664 Where are... 1055 00:43:44,706 --> 00:43:46,750 Ah, there you are. 1056 00:43:46,791 --> 00:43:49,336 Lenny... Looks like we have a wandering Mr. Bruce. 1057 00:43:49,377 --> 00:43:50,754 What are you doing? 1058 00:43:50,795 --> 00:43:52,964 Well, it's time everybody knows, don't you think? 1059 00:43:53,006 --> 00:43:55,008 Uh, I need to powder things. 1060 00:43:55,050 --> 00:43:56,843 - What is on your hands? - Frosting. 1061 00:43:56,885 --> 00:43:58,928 - Other hand. Other hand. - Oh, he's back. 1062 00:43:58,970 --> 00:44:00,263 Well, who have we here? 1063 00:44:00,305 --> 00:44:03,767 Brye, I'd like you to meet my wife... or possibly my sister. 1064 00:44:03,808 --> 00:44:05,935 What are you, my wife or my sister? 1065 00:44:05,977 --> 00:44:07,729 Depends on what state we're in. 1066 00:44:07,771 --> 00:44:09,147 Let's go wife. What the hell? 1067 00:44:09,189 --> 00:44:10,732 Well, it's nice to meet you, whoever you are. 1068 00:44:10,774 --> 00:44:12,609 It's nice to meet you, too. 1069 00:44:12,650 --> 00:44:14,444 She's a very big fan. She called in sick 1070 00:44:14,486 --> 00:44:16,863 - to work tonight just to be here. - Oh? What do you do? 1071 00:44:16,905 --> 00:44:19,032 - I'm a Mountie. - Yes, she's very good with horses. 1072 00:44:19,074 --> 00:44:20,825 - And moose. - And squirrel. 1073 00:44:20,867 --> 00:44:23,328 A female Mountie? I didn't know there were female Mounties. 1074 00:44:23,370 --> 00:44:24,871 Are you kidding? Have you seen the hats? 1075 00:44:24,913 --> 00:44:26,873 There's only female Mounties. 1076 00:44:26,915 --> 00:44:29,626 So, how long have you two been married and/or related? 1077 00:44:29,667 --> 00:44:31,294 Oh, it's been six... 1078 00:44:31,336 --> 00:44:33,546 Uh, seven. You forgot our time at sea. 1079 00:44:33,588 --> 00:44:36,132 Yes, lost at sea. I almost killed you and ate you. 1080 00:44:36,174 --> 00:44:37,801 But then we remembered fish. 1081 00:44:37,842 --> 00:44:39,511 - Seven fun-filled years. - Weeks. 1082 00:44:39,552 --> 00:44:41,971 We got to rehearse this next time. 1083 00:44:42,013 --> 00:44:43,640 Well, you make a very handsome couple. 1084 00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:45,183 Oh, well, we get our looks from our mother. 1085 00:44:45,225 --> 00:44:46,810 Ooh! They just put out some new onion dip, 1086 00:44:46,851 --> 00:44:49,687 and I heard Betty Bacall is a notorious double-dipper. 1087 00:44:49,729 --> 00:44:50,897 I've got to go. 1088 00:44:50,939 --> 00:44:52,357 Well, it was nice to meet you... 1089 00:44:52,399 --> 00:44:53,775 - Rhoda. - Scheherazade. 1090 00:44:53,817 --> 00:44:56,820 Scheherazade Rhoda Maisel. 1091 00:44:56,861 --> 00:44:59,864 Quite a culturally confusing mouthful. 1092 00:45:01,574 --> 00:45:03,785 Great girl. 1093 00:45:03,827 --> 00:45:07,539 Well, you should see her rob a liquor store. 1094 00:45:07,580 --> 00:45:08,998 Hey, that's Tennessee Williams. 1095 00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:11,209 - Tennessee! - Screw you, Bruce. 1096 00:45:11,251 --> 00:45:13,253 Tenn, my God, what's with the hostility? 1097 00:45:13,294 --> 00:45:15,296 You know very well, you son of a bitch. 1098 00:45:15,338 --> 00:45:17,465 Hey, what happened to the Southern gentlemen bit? 1099 00:45:17,507 --> 00:45:19,050 I'm not talking to you. 1100 00:45:19,092 --> 00:45:21,428 - Why? What did I do? - You're a prick. 1101 00:45:21,469 --> 00:45:22,512 Now, watch it, boys. 1102 00:45:22,554 --> 00:45:23,638 - We're live here. - Shh. 1103 00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:25,640 Did I tease you? Did I call you names? 1104 00:45:25,682 --> 00:45:27,809 Did I get drunk and say The Rose Tattoo 1105 00:45:27,851 --> 00:45:30,228 was a piece of overwrought, substandard melodrama? 1106 00:45:30,270 --> 00:45:32,021 - What? - I said I was drunk. 1107 00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:34,065 I should come over there and just kill you. 1108 00:45:34,107 --> 00:45:36,484 - Tenn, I'm sorry, please. - You're not. 1109 00:45:36,526 --> 00:45:39,320 You're an ugly, lowlife, mean-spirited bastard. 1110 00:45:39,362 --> 00:45:40,989 Always with the poetry. 1111 00:45:41,030 --> 00:45:42,907 You hate me 'cause I'm Southern. 1112 00:45:42,949 --> 00:45:44,784 Well, it's not my favorite thing about you. 1113 00:45:44,826 --> 00:45:47,745 Go away! - I don't believe this. 1114 00:45:47,787 --> 00:45:49,831 This is nuts. I'm having a fight 1115 00:45:49,873 --> 00:45:52,250 with Tennessee Williams on the television. 1116 00:45:52,292 --> 00:45:54,210 Brye, this is a great show. 1117 00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:56,629 Sure as hell is! 1118 00:48:01,796 --> 00:48:03,548 You're staring. 1119 00:48:03,590 --> 00:48:05,133 Am I? 1120 00:48:05,174 --> 00:48:07,385 Do I have a hair out of place? 1121 00:48:07,427 --> 00:48:10,013 I didn't know how to tell you. 1122 00:48:15,226 --> 00:48:17,103 What do you think? 1123 00:48:17,145 --> 00:48:21,399 I just wish it had a little more atmosphere. 1124 00:48:24,402 --> 00:48:27,363 You're still staring. 1125 00:48:27,405 --> 00:48:29,365 So are you. 1126 00:48:33,369 --> 00:48:35,371 Come on. 1127 00:48:36,706 --> 00:48:38,666 We're gonna dance. 1128 00:48:38,708 --> 00:48:40,793 You dance? 1129 00:48:40,835 --> 00:48:43,379 Well, we're certainly gonna find out. 1130 00:49:42,397 --> 00:49:45,900 What's the matter? I'm not that bad. 1131 00:49:45,942 --> 00:49:48,945 I just can't think of anything funny to say. 1132 00:49:48,986 --> 00:49:51,280 Yeah. 1133 00:49:51,322 --> 00:49:52,907 Me, either. 1134 00:49:55,243 --> 00:49:56,786 It's kind of nice, isn't it? 1135 00:50:29,944 --> 00:50:31,904 I really thought if we stayed long enough, 1136 00:50:31,946 --> 00:50:33,156 there'd be a human sacrifice. 1137 00:50:33,197 --> 00:50:34,782 Oh, no, that's on Wednesdays. 1138 00:50:34,824 --> 00:50:36,325 Well, we'll just have to go back. 1139 00:50:36,367 --> 00:50:38,369 Anytime you like. 1140 00:50:40,747 --> 00:50:42,206 I had a good time. 1141 00:50:42,248 --> 00:50:44,625 That was the intent. 1142 00:50:44,667 --> 00:50:46,878 Here. Last puff. 1143 00:50:46,919 --> 00:50:49,964 Such a gentleman. 1144 00:50:50,006 --> 00:50:51,966 Is this your apartment building? 1145 00:50:52,008 --> 00:50:54,761 Uh, no, this is my hotel. 1146 00:50:54,802 --> 00:50:56,888 I thought you said you lived here now. 1147 00:50:56,929 --> 00:50:58,014 I do. 1148 00:50:58,055 --> 00:51:00,433 - In a hotel? - Yes. 1149 00:51:00,475 --> 00:51:02,018 You're living in a hotel? 1150 00:51:02,059 --> 00:51:03,227 Who are you, Willy Loman? 1151 00:51:03,269 --> 00:51:05,521 Hey, this is a very nice hotel. 1152 00:51:05,563 --> 00:51:08,149 I've got a pool. They bring me towels. 1153 00:51:08,191 --> 00:51:10,401 The little soaps are adorable. 1154 00:51:10,443 --> 00:51:12,069 But it's not permanent. 1155 00:51:12,111 --> 00:51:13,613 I didn't say permanent. 1156 00:51:13,654 --> 00:51:15,198 I said I got mail. 1157 00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:17,408 I just assumed when you said you lived in Florida 1158 00:51:17,450 --> 00:51:19,076 that you meant you had an apartment. 1159 00:51:19,118 --> 00:51:20,495 Does it matter? 1160 00:51:20,536 --> 00:51:23,122 No. No, it doesn't. 1161 00:51:23,164 --> 00:51:25,500 You like a man who has a lease. 1162 00:51:25,541 --> 00:51:27,293 Depends on the man. 1163 00:51:27,335 --> 00:51:28,711 Depends on the lease. 1164 00:51:28,753 --> 00:51:30,421 I'm paid up through Friday. 1165 00:51:32,799 --> 00:51:35,051 Oh, it's nice being on the water. 1166 00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:37,386 Where are you living, by the way? 1167 00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:40,890 I'm not actually living anywhere. 1168 00:51:40,932 --> 00:51:44,310 Well, I'm on tour now, so I live wherever the tour is, 1169 00:51:44,352 --> 00:51:46,771 and when I get back, I'll have to find a place. 1170 00:51:46,813 --> 00:51:48,356 I suppose I can stay at my in-laws'. 1171 00:51:48,397 --> 00:51:50,233 Well, ex-in-laws'. 1172 00:51:50,274 --> 00:51:52,401 My parents are there now. Well, no. 1173 00:51:52,443 --> 00:51:54,237 They're actually here now since they can't stand them, 1174 00:51:54,278 --> 00:51:57,031 so I probably can't live there, either. 1175 00:51:57,073 --> 00:52:00,243 A hotel's looking pretty good to you right now, isn't it? 1176 00:52:01,953 --> 00:52:03,913 All right, this is me. 1177 00:52:03,955 --> 00:52:06,624 Nice, shiny number three. 1178 00:52:06,666 --> 00:52:09,669 Yes. Uh, it was actually 13, 1179 00:52:09,710 --> 00:52:11,170 but the one fell off. 1180 00:52:11,212 --> 00:52:12,588 If you lived in an apartment, 1181 00:52:12,630 --> 00:52:14,090 you could call the super about that. 1182 00:52:14,131 --> 00:52:15,925 And what would he do? 1183 00:52:15,967 --> 00:52:17,426 Nothing. 1184 00:52:17,468 --> 00:52:19,887 But you'd have somebody to call. 1185 00:52:23,808 --> 00:52:26,394 - Key. - Ah. 1186 00:52:31,691 --> 00:52:34,652 - And it works. - Yes. 1187 00:52:34,694 --> 00:52:38,030 The evening is going swimmingly so far. 1188 00:52:46,038 --> 00:52:48,040 So, what did you think of my act? 1189 00:52:49,625 --> 00:52:52,044 I thought it was sensational. 1190 00:52:53,212 --> 00:52:55,214 Thank you. 1191 00:53:03,598 --> 00:53:06,559 I'm gonna get a cab. 1192 00:53:06,601 --> 00:53:09,437 - I can get you one. - I'm okay. 1193 00:53:15,484 --> 00:53:17,486 Catch. 1194 00:53:22,491 --> 00:53:24,243 Hey. 1195 00:53:29,248 --> 00:53:31,834 Maybe someday. 1196 00:53:31,876 --> 00:53:33,878 Before I'm dead. 1197 00:53:35,630 --> 00:53:37,632 It's a date.