1
00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:14,974
we're gonna have
to go home at night.

2
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,726
What? Who says?

3
00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:18,477
The We Are Not Shitty Parents
Handbook.

4
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,146
That commie rag.

5
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,106
- Our kids are gonna be cool kids.
- Club kids.

6
00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:24,692
- Daylight will hurt their eyes.
- Vampire kids.

7
00:00:24,734 --> 00:00:27,528
They'll talk in slang and fall
asleep to Charlie Parker.

8
00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:30,072
- Rehab kids.
- Every kid will want to be our kid.

9
00:00:30,114 --> 00:00:32,533
You know, I saw Taffy and Dell's
baby the other day.

10
00:00:32,575 --> 00:00:35,578
- Yeah? How was it?
- Big, loud.

11
00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:36,996
Needy. Like Dell.

12
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,456
If his parenting skills
are anything like

13
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:40,791
his softball skills,
that kid is going down.

14
00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:43,419
- A lot. -Their nursery was
beautiful, though.

15
00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:46,756
They painted Babar on the
ceiling and Eloise on the walls.

16
00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,549
- Ours will be better.
- Really?

17
00:00:48,591 --> 00:00:51,385
I'm gonna get the real Babar
and shove his ass in the closet.

18
00:00:51,427 --> 00:00:53,304
That won't be
too traumatizing for her.

19
00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,431
Or him.

20
00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:59,643
- What?
- We have the apartment now.

21
00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:02,521
Plenty of space,
parents right upstairs,

22
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,148
always around to babysit...

23
00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:06,567
- Always around.
- You're doing great at work.

24
00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:09,653
- Money's coming in.
- Dresses are coming in faster.

25
00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:13,657
You think maybe... it's time?

26
00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,659
Hmm. I don't know.

27
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,453
We're close.

28
00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:19,663
It might be time to get serious
about trying, though.

29
00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:21,874
- Uh-huh.
- I mean really trying.

30
00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:24,335
I could stay home from work
all next week and try a lot.

31
00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,878
Every ten to 15 minutes
if you want.

32
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,296
Talk about chutzpah.

33
00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:29,507
And we will try
till we get it right.

34
00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,884
And I am nothing
if not a perfectionist.

35
00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,344
Pay the check, please.

36
00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,429
If we have to stay in that
froufrou bedroom of ours

37
00:01:35,471 --> 00:01:37,389
for the next six months trying,
we will.

38
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:40,810
No food, no water,
just a whole lot of trying.

39
00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,770
- Leave a good tip.
- I always do.

40
00:01:42,812 --> 00:01:44,271
Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant.

41
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,815
Ooh, hey, a cab.

42
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:48,108
- I'll get it.
- Did you say you're pregnant?

43
00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,820
Midge? Are you serious?

44
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,613
Wait, am I the father?

45
00:01:52,655 --> 00:01:54,865
It's now or never.

46
00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,869
All the tour dates have changed,

47
00:01:58,911 --> 00:02:00,329
so I need to remake
the kids' schedule.

48
00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:01,956
I could have
Mrs. Moskowitz do it.

49
00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:03,916
I can make the schedule
for the kids, Joel.

50
00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:06,585
Okay, fine. Make the schedule.

51
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,462
Here's this month's money.

52
00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:10,130
Now, what do we do
about Collegiate?

53
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:11,924
It's an amazing school,
and Ethan got in.

54
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,884
- We throw a party, right?
- Really?

55
00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,928
- That's your answer?
- It's what we wanted.

56
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,388
It's what we wanted
two years ago.

57
00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,014
- Things are different now.
- Ethan at Collegiate.

58
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,558
Esther at Brearley.
That was the plan.

59
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:22,226
Look, it's great he got in,
but let's face it.

60
00:02:22,268 --> 00:02:23,769
Collegiate's not cheap.

61
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,188
And we're both working now,
and we're both working nights.

62
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:28,482
Once this club opens,
I'm fucking Dracula.

63
00:02:28,524 --> 00:02:30,818
You're on tour,
and even when you get back...

64
00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,319
What are you saying, Joel?

65
00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:34,905
I think we should consider

66
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:36,949
putting him in school in Queens.

67
00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:38,325
I'm sorry. I wasn't ready.

68
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,286
Let me get a sip of water
so I can do a proper spit take.

69
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,162
- Midge...
- If anything calls for a spit take,

70
00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:43,664
it's the words
"school in Queens."

71
00:02:43,706 --> 00:02:45,249
Collegiate's
on the Upper West Side.

72
00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:46,917
No one in our family lives

73
00:02:46,959 --> 00:02:49,128
- on the Upper West Side.
- Have you heard of a car?

74
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,963
I am gonna be at the club
every night once it opens.

75
00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:52,464
Ethan starts school in fall.

76
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,341
Where are you in the fall?
Let me see.

77
00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:57,386
My, we have discovered a flair
for the dramatic, haven't we?

78
00:02:57,428 --> 00:02:59,680
Dusseldorf, Frankfurt,
Zurich, Stockholm.

79
00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:02,349
Great. So, I'll take him,
you pick him up?

80
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:05,185
Joel, our children cannot go
to school in Queens.

81
00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:08,022
- Why?
- Because... Queens.

82
00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,107
- Need a little more.
- He has to go to the best school.

83
00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:11,275
He has to be
with the bright kids,

84
00:03:11,317 --> 00:03:12,568
or he won't live up
to his potential.

85
00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:13,819
They say he's advanced.

86
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,404
- Ethan?
- Yes.

87
00:03:15,446 --> 00:03:16,488
Our Ethan?

88
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,115
- Yes.
- Who says that?

89
00:03:18,157 --> 00:03:19,950
- They.
- Who's they?

90
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,661
- Them.
- Advanced. Ethan?

91
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,246
They said he shows promise.

92
00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,497
- "Promise" I can buy.
- But, Joel,

93
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,583
"promise" can turn into
potential at Collegiate.

94
00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:30,044
If he goes to Queens U,
"promise" turns into,

95
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,171
"Move it, pal,
forklift coming through."

96
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,797
First of all, if he
gets into Queens U at five,

97
00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:35,174
he's definitely advanced.

98
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,384
And second,
I'm not the bad guy here.

99
00:03:37,426 --> 00:03:39,470
Think practically for a second.
I have to move out

100
00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,138
of the factory soon
or it's just weird.

101
00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:43,057
I should find an apartment
close to the club,

102
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,184
so we can put him
in a school in Chinatown

103
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,102
if we want him to be behind
in two languages.

104
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,812
His grandparents live in Queens.

105
00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:51,273
Both sets. And somebody should
be with the kids at night.

106
00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:53,108
You had to pick now
to open the club, right?

107
00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:54,735
- Great timing.
- Hey.

108
00:03:54,777 --> 00:03:56,195
Sorry about the timing,
but if you remember,

109
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,364
you were supposed to be in the
homestretch of your tour by now.

110
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:01,200
No one told me to add two months
so Shy could have a breakdown.

111
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,619
It wasn't a breakdown.
He was exhausted.

112
00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:05,412
And if Ethan goes to school
in Queens

113
00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:07,039
and later finds out
he got into Collegiate,

114
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,332
he will hold it against us.

115
00:04:08,374 --> 00:04:10,793
- We won't tell him.
- Someday he will date a girl

116
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,336
whose father is the head
of Collegiate admissions,

117
00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:13,420
and he will mention
that they were

118
00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:14,588
very disappointed that we didn't

119
00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:15,839
put him in when he got accepted,

120
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,508
and then we won't be invited
to the wedding.

121
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,426
How's he gonna meet this girl?
He'll be in Queens.

122
00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:20,469
He'll go into the city.

123
00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:21,887
- We won't let him.
- He'll find a way.

124
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,013
We won't tell him
there's a city.

125
00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:24,139
You don't think he's gonna know
there's a city?

126
00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:26,141
- Won't he read?
- He goes to school in Queens.

127
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,309
Odds are fifty-fifty.

128
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:29,228
Do you think this bit
is helping things?

129
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,312
I don't want to fight.

130
00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:31,855
I want him to go
to Collegiate, too.

131
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:33,482
I want him to be
with the advanced kids.

132
00:04:33,524 --> 00:04:35,859
But I can't afford it,
and we don't live there anymore.

133
00:04:39,405 --> 00:04:41,407
We don't have
to decide this now.

134
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,492
Shit. I have to...

135
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,577
So do I.

136
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:49,081
- Oh, listen, I need a favor.
- Hmm?

137
00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,333
Talk to Imogene for Archie.

138
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:53,585
The guy's drowning,
and she just won't melt.

139
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,587
- He's still at your place?
- Yes.

140
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,922
He's driving everybody crazy.

141
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,507
Plus, he's an insurance hazard.

142
00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:00,801
There's not a pole in the place
he hasn't slammed into.

143
00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:03,012
What's she still so mad about?
Did he...

144
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,055
No, no.
He's done nothing, I swear.

145
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:07,891
He said to tell Imogene
he misses her,

146
00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:10,728
and they can go to the Poconos
every year for Christmas

147
00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:12,813
if she'll just let him
come home. Please?

148
00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:14,481
Okay. I'll talk to her.

149
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,608
But I'm gonna leave
the Poconos out for now.

150
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:17,985
Archie has suffered enough.

151
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,319
It's 11:15 in the morning

152
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,822
here in New York City.
1010 WINS.

153
00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:24,116
And here are The Crew-Cuts
with "Sh-Boom."

154
00:05:30,039 --> 00:05:32,124
I didn't pay. Sorry.

155
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:34,293
Here.

156
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,795
I'm gonna be a father!

157
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,055
"One rarely sees anything
as mystifying

158
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,890
"as the production of Miss Julie

159
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:50,476
"that took place last night
at the Barrymore Theatre.

160
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:54,063
"The experience was almost as if
McSorley's closed early

161
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,815
"and its inebriated patrons
wandered over,

162
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,276
"found a copy
of Strindberg's play,

163
00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:01,445
dropped their pants
and defecated on it."

164
00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,823
"The performance was so debased

165
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,784
"that one could
almost recommend it

166
00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,869
"as an archeological exploration

167
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:11,330
"into the decay
of modern society.

168
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,707
"However,
despite the braying jackasses

169
00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:16,794
"delighting in Ms. Lennon's
bizarre improvisations,

170
00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:20,089
"this production of Miss Julie
 will be closing tonight,

171
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:22,091
one night after it opened."

172
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,300
- Jackie.
- What?

173
00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:24,635
You think I don't already know
this shit?

174
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:25,886
Shut the fuck up.

175
00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:27,596
They say there is no bad press.

176
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:30,432
That in your hand
is some grade A bad press.

177
00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,643
All right, fuckers. This is it.

178
00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:34,394
Washington Square Park
is to the left

179
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:36,563
if you give a shit.

180
00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:38,565
Hot water's out again.

181
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:41,026
I'm gonna go check
the water heater.

182
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,487
Jesus, nobody wants to leave
this apartment?

183
00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,453
Hello.

184
00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:54,164
Hey, Suz. Listen, I have
something I need to tell you.

185
00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:55,624
A-Are you sitting down?

186
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,963
Yeah.

187
00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,214
Mom's dead.

188
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:05,217
Oh, Jesus. You scared me
for a minute, Tess.

189
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,886
Didn't need to be sitting
for that. What happened?

190
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,055
- Her liver strangle
her in her sleep? -No.

191
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,099
She tried to crawl out of
the window of the nursing home

192
00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:14,017
to go find some booze,
and she fell.

193
00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,853
- Shit.
 -Three stories.

194
00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,229
Fuck. Bad way to go.

195
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,689
No. No, she survived the fall,

196
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:21,066
but then she rolled off the dock
into the water.

197
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,402
- So she drowned?
- No. She was dog-paddling

198
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,612
back to the docks
and got hit by a boat.

199
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:26,864
Holy Christ.

200
00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:29,116
But she survived that.
They got her out,

201
00:07:29,158 --> 00:07:31,535
took her to a hospital,
and she got an infection.

202
00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:33,370
I'm sorry, is she dead yet?

203
00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:34,955
Yep. Choked on the meds.

204
00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,623
Well, lady sure knew
how to make an exit.

205
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,833
Now we got to figure out
the house.

206
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,626
I don't really give a shit
about that hellhole,

207
00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:41,962
- to be perfectly honest.
 -You know, she left it to us.

208
00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,256
What? I-Impossible.

209
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,466
I'm going over her will.
It says,

210
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:49,344
"The house goes to the girls,
'cause my piece of shit son

211
00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,096
looks and smells
just like his father."

212
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,389
Boy, she really hated Artie.

213
00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:54,391
Remember
when she tried to convince him

214
00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:55,726
he wasn't really hers

215
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,144
and he should go find
his real family?

216
00:07:57,186 --> 00:07:58,604
He was gone for a whole week.

217
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,355
Yeah. That was fun.

218
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:02,357
All right, look, I got to go.
Uh, we'll figure something out.

219
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:05,402
- Drink something,
and I'll call you later. -Yeah.

220
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:09,573
Hey, we ever gonna tell Chester

221
00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:11,700
there's no hot water
and no hot water heater?

222
00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,160
Fuck, no.

223
00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:17,748
At the Button Club, gentlemen,
we will be known

224
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,625
as the spot
with the best drinks,

225
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,919
the best bartenders,
the best entertainment.

226
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:25,172
Anyone who waters down the
goods, they hit the pavement.

227
00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:28,008
Anyone skims from the till,
they hit the pavement.

228
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:31,094
I ordered five minutes ago.
Why am I not drinking yet?

229
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:33,889
Last... crate.

230
00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:35,933
Uh-huh.

231
00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:38,977
Hey, has Midge talked
to Imogene yet?

232
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,771
I haven't heard anything,
and I don't want to call her

233
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,231
if she hasn't,
because when I call...

234
00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:43,398
she hangs up.

235
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,691
And it's a real hang-up,

236
00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:47,736
like a "bam," Midwestern
dairy farmer type slam.

237
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:49,947
It's terrifying.

238
00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:51,823
- Joel?
- What?

239
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,617
Midge? Imogene?

240
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:55,452
Oh. I don't know.

241
00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:57,996
Hey, would you mind holding down
the fort for a few minutes?

242
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,290
I just want to make sure
the fuse box is secure

243
00:09:00,332 --> 00:09:01,792
so we don't have
any surprise blackouts.

244
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:04,336
Sure. Mm.

245
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:05,963
- Excuse me, could you...
- I'm married!

246
00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:08,966
- I just had a question...
- I love my wife!

247
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,801
Mm-hmm.

248
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:13,387
I want to go home.

249
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,981
Sorry to interrupt.
Just wanted you all to know

250
00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,024
that my club will be opening
a week from today,

251
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,985
and you're all invited.

252
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,570
There's gonna be good drinks,
ambiance, music,

253
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,447
so come on down.

254
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,409
Or up, actually.

255
00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:38,745
Oh, and, uh, I was hoping

256
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,872
that maybe someone
could get a message to Mei Lin?

257
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,000
I haven't seen her for a while.

258
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:45,544
We, um, had a fight.

259
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,796
You don't need to hear
the details, but I was an idiot.

260
00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,090
I tried to call her,
but the number she gave me

261
00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:52,301
isn't hers anymore
or was never hers.

262
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,052
I don't know her address.

263
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,847
I know she's in medical school,
but I don't know which one.

264
00:09:56,888 --> 00:10:00,350
Actually, I don't really know
anything about her.

265
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:04,771
Except...
she's got these great eyes.

266
00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:07,566
And she's smart and funny.

267
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,986
She's incredibly mysterious,
which is frustrating...

268
00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,696
and a little sexy.

269
00:10:12,738 --> 00:10:14,156
I'm sure you're all thinking,

270
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,366
"How could he know so little
about the person he's dating?"

271
00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:18,035
It's strange.

272
00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:20,537
Clearly, she doesn't want me
to know a lot about her life,

273
00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:23,123
and, frankly, my life's
been a mess this past year,

274
00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:25,459
so I wasn't too eager
to share, either.

275
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:28,962
I was married,
and I cheated on my wife,

276
00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:31,256
which is not something you want
to tell your new girlfriend.

277
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,883
Not that she's my girlfriend.

278
00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,760
I don't know what she is.

279
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:38,347
Anyhow, if you could let her
know all this, I'd be grateful.

280
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,640
This opening
is a pretty big deal for me,

281
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:43,602
and it won't be the same
if she's not there.

282
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,901
Oh, and really stress
that eyes thing.

283
00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:53,070
I think she'll like that.

284
00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:55,655
Thanks.

285
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,710
- Goulash.
- Thank you, Zelda.

286
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,962
- Sour cream.
- Thank you, Zelda.

287
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,839
Noodles.
Don't forget the noodles.

288
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:15,509
Thank you, Zelda.
Do you see a pattern here?

289
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:18,095
- What time is it?
- 7:36.

290
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,805
- Four minutes left on my break.
- Hmm.

291
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,306
What, Moishe?

292
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,974
Oh, nothing.

293
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,811
I know you said the written word
can change the world.

294
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,479
Well, I just looked outside,

295
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,481
and so far,
it's exactly the same.

296
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,274
- Oh, boy.
- You know, Abe,

297
00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,402
when my father came over here
from the old country,

298
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:35,946
he wanted a little goat farm.

299
00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:37,280
Who knows why.

300
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,866
The man was convinced
goats were the future.

301
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,701
We lived in a tenement
on Rivington...

302
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:45,455
12 people, two rooms...
and yet this man wanted goats.

303
00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:47,290
He pushed a cart.
He sold pickles.

304
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:49,501
But he wanted goats.

305
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,461
- You got to pass the noodles.
Quickly. -MOISHE: In the end,

306
00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:54,297
the man dies out on a sidewalk,
pickle in his hand,

307
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,757
nothing in his pocket.

308
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:57,217
No goats.

309
00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,928
Is there a point, Moishe?

310
00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:02,514
Really? He'd stopped.
It was over.

311
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:05,934
Sometimes what you want,
what you get...

312
00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:08,520
two very different things.

313
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,481
Don't worry, though.
I am on the lookout.

314
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:13,859
The minute I see
that the world is changing,

315
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,986
you'll be the first to know.

316
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:19,990
But for now,
your goat is a pickle.

317
00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,659
- Zelda? -Oh, I have to go.
- See you tomorrow.

318
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,786
- Zelda!
- He's right.

319
00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:26,121
He's never right.

320
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,706
I don't know what I thought
was going to happen

321
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,666
- with that article.
- It's only been a week.

322
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:32,294
You know what the op-ed
in the Times is about today?

323
00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:35,338
The explosion of the deer
population on Staten Island.

324
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,506
Oh, Abe.

325
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:37,966
Lubricious, fornicating deer.

326
00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:39,384
What should be done?

327
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,635
You cannot let Moishe
get in your head.

328
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,095
I absolutely forbid it.

329
00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:43,430
I'm ashamed of myself.

330
00:12:43,472 --> 00:12:45,599
Getting excited over an article,

331
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,226
like I won
an honorary fireman's badge

332
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,604
in elementary school.

333
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:53,023
I've made a decision, Rose.

334
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,192
- Mm.
- I am going to tutor.

335
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:58,278
- Tutor what? -Idiots.
The city's teeming with them.

336
00:12:58,320 --> 00:12:59,988
Toss a rock, hit an idiot.

337
00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:02,908
I'll tutor, I'll coach,
I'll substitute teach.

338
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,744
Anything. This stops now.

339
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,204
I am going to get serious,

340
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,706
and I am going to get us out
of this house.

341
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,833
It's 7:39 in the evening,

342
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:15,086
and the world
is still exactly the same.

343
00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:33,522
Holy shit, it's a nightclub.

344
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:34,898
You did it, pal.

345
00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:36,775
You think those ceiling tiles
are gonna stay up?

346
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,110
I used every roll of Scotch tape
I could steal from the office,

347
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,946
so... hope so?

348
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,531
Thanks, Archie. Really.

349
00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:43,865
I couldn't have done it
without you.

350
00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:44,991
No, you could've.

351
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,660
But you would've had
to buy the tape.

352
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,787
How do I look?
Do I look like I'm in charge?

353
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,622
Mrs. Moskowitz
looks like she's in charge.

354
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,415
Yep. I should've worn a brooch.

355
00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:54,626
Attracting
quite a crowd here tonight.

356
00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,380
Excuse me a minute.

357
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,345
- I see you got my message.
- I did.

358
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:07,889
Apparently you said
something weird about my eyes.

359
00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:09,891
You look beautiful tonight.

360
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:11,893
- I brought you something.
- Oh, yeah?

361
00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:14,312
Little opening night gift.

362
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:18,233
'Cause you're gonna run out.

363
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,991
- I missed you. -Well,
remember that next time you're an idiot.

364
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,867
Ah, so they told you
I was an idiot.

365
00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,412
I did not need to be told.

366
00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:34,416
You will do anything
for a roll of toilet paper.

367
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,264
Mrs. Maisel.

368
00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:52,017
My goodness.
This is a surprise.

369
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,435
Hello, Mrs. Moskowitz.

370
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,729
- Good turnout, huh?
- It is.

371
00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:58,690
Mr. Maisel worked very hard
on the place.

372
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,859
I'm so proud of him.

373
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,944
Oh, it's a $1.50 cover charge.

374
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,821
Eh, we'll catch you
on the way out, Grandma.

375
00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,073
Oh, dear. I'm afraid
that's not going to work.

376
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:10,910
But luckily, my nephew plays
Triple-A ball for the Yankees.

377
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,495
He's a wonderful coach.

378
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:14,372
- I'll be at the bar.
- Philly!

379
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,707
That one's on the house.

380
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,044
Oh, no. That's a nickel, dear.

381
00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:20,754
Oh, sorry.

382
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,217
Thanks, everyone.

383
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,261
We'll be back
after a short break.

384
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,184
Come with me.

385
00:15:34,225 --> 00:15:35,894
What? Where?

386
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,896
Midge, you're here.

387
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,106
Of course I'm here.
You think I'd miss this?

388
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,608
Thank you, really.

389
00:15:41,650 --> 00:15:43,443
I'd like you to meet someone.

390
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:46,279
Mei, this is my ex-wife, Midge.

391
00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:49,282
Midge, I'd like you to meet Mei.

392
00:15:49,324 --> 00:15:51,660
- You were married?
- What?

393
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,244
You didn't tell her
you were married?

394
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,579
No, I did.

395
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:55,747
Of course I did.

396
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:56,998
You knew that I was married.

397
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,166
- Nope.
- Yes.

398
00:15:58,208 --> 00:15:59,918
Wow, Joel. Wow.

399
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,419
Now, hold on just a second here.

400
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,254
I absolute...

401
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,923
Shit.

402
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,217
Just a momentary problem, folks.

403
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:11,262
Can you just give me one second?

404
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,931
Man, I just bought a drink.

405
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,724
I'm fixing it. Relax.

406
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:16,142
- Archie.
- I love my wife!

407
00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:17,477
Oh, coming.

408
00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:19,187
I knew he was married.

409
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:21,022
- I figured you did.
- Good bluff.

410
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:22,273
Back at you.

411
00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,945
So, you're the girlfriend.

412
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,322
And you're the wife.

413
00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:31,908
I'm going to be a doctor.

414
00:16:32,951 --> 00:16:35,120
I'm gonna play the Apollo.

415
00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,831
Music!

416
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:39,833
Natives are getting restless.

417
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:43,962
Excuse me.

418
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:59,811
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

419
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,938
Uh, I'm Midge Maisel.

420
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:04,232
Mrs. Maisel onstage.

421
00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:06,067
Hey, thanks.

422
00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:08,194
I haven't played my hometown
for a while.

423
00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:09,863
I've been touring
with Shy Baldwin

424
00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:11,197
for a few months, so...

425
00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:15,827
Nice to know that people
haven't forgotten me.

426
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:18,705
You haven't forgotten me.

427
00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:21,332
My kids have completely
forgotten me.

428
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,585
They've gotten very jaded

429
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:25,170
having a mother
in show business.

430
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,588
I-I showed up the other day.

431
00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,256
My daughter pointed
to her diaper and said,

432
00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:30,258
"Sweetie, would you get this?"

433
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,177
Then she lit her cigarette,

434
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:35,138
refilled her daiquiri bottle
and fired her agent.

435
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:38,475
And now both her parents
are in the biz.

436
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:39,893
Oh, yeah.

437
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,269
This is what happens
when you leave.

438
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:42,395
Remember the first time?

439
00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:46,483
In case you don't know,
this club is owned

440
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:49,736
by my again soon to be
ex-husband, Joel Maisel.

441
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:54,657
And I am here tonight to say...

442
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,951
that half's mine.

443
00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,578
I'm kidding.

444
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,747
Always take the side
with the bathroom.

445
00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:05,835
- Joel is a great father.
- Aw.

446
00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:08,838
And I just wanted to get up here
and tell him that,

447
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,425
because we had a little tiff
earlier this week about our son.

448
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,844
Our five-year-old
just got into Collegiate,

449
00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,971
and it costs so much,
we have to sell him for parts

450
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:18,890
to get the tuition.

451
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:23,645
My daughter is watching
this process very nervously.

452
00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:27,273
It's so hard to raise kids
when you're married.

453
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:31,069
It's really hard to raise kids
when you're divorced.

454
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,488
But it's not that hard
to raise them

455
00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:36,533
- when their dad's a great guy.
- Aw.

456
00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:37,617
But, Joel,
there's no fucking way

457
00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:38,952
our kids are going
to school in Queens.

458
00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:40,286
I'll burn this fucking place
to the ground.

459
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:41,788
Have a great time, everybody.

460
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,999
And drink up.
All proceeds go to Collegiate.

461
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,103
Hello, Bernice.

462
00:19:47,145 --> 00:19:48,271
I've missed you.

463
00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:49,814
Hi.

464
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,235
Hello, girls.

465
00:19:54,277 --> 00:19:55,778
Hi.

466
00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:02,869
Manny.
You on a break again?

467
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,704
How do you define "break"?

468
00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:31,898
Paulette, hi.

469
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:34,067
- Have you seen Moishe?
- Over there.

470
00:20:34,108 --> 00:20:35,318
He's over there.

471
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,570
Do you notice anything,
anything at all?

472
00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:39,405
Just throw it out there.

473
00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:41,282
- They don't match.
- They do not match.

474
00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:43,076
So, you see,
you would need to find

475
00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:45,787
a very specific person
to wear these sleeves, right?

476
00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:47,330
A person whose...

477
00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:49,040
- Arms don't match?
- Exactly.

478
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:52,085
Now, I am not saying
that this person does not exist,

479
00:20:52,126 --> 00:20:54,754
but the market is probably
small, so why don't we...

480
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,047
Make the sleeves match.

481
00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:57,674
You should be
running this place.

482
00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:59,008
Hello, Moishe.

483
00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:00,551
Well, well, well, Miriam.

484
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:02,303
This is a surprise.

485
00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:05,765
I was just in the neighborhood,
and I thought I'd drop in.

486
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:07,600
- What did he do?
- Who?

487
00:21:07,642 --> 00:21:10,061
- My son.
- Nothing.

488
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:12,647
I just came here to talk
a little business.

489
00:21:12,689 --> 00:21:14,774
- With me?
- Yes.

490
00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:16,275
You need a dress?

491
00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:18,736
Always, but that's not
why I'm here.

492
00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:24,158
I want to buy my apartment.

493
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,952
- I'm sorry?
- Do you still own it?

494
00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:26,953
- Your apartment?
- Yes.

495
00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:28,162
The apartment I bought

496
00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:29,205
for you and Joel...
that apartment?

497
00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:30,248
That's the one.

498
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,582
- I do.
- How much?

499
00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:32,834
- Explain.
- Well, as you know,

500
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,919
my career's really
taking off now.

501
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:36,838
- Your career as what?
- As a comedian.

502
00:21:36,879 --> 00:21:39,382
But you can't tell a joke.
We tried that. It didn't work.

503
00:21:39,424 --> 00:21:42,135
Be that as it may, I have been
working steadily for a year now.

504
00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:44,053
I have a chunk of
a down payment already saved.

505
00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:45,847
I have not spent a dime
of my earnings.

506
00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:47,807
My manager has been holding
onto all of my money,

507
00:21:47,849 --> 00:21:50,226
so I assure you,
none of it is going to hats.

508
00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,145
Are you and Joel
getting back together?

509
00:21:52,186 --> 00:21:53,980
No, we are not.

510
00:21:54,022 --> 00:21:55,356
Then why do you want
the apartment?

511
00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:56,607
For me.

512
00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:57,817
For my kids.

513
00:21:57,859 --> 00:21:59,235
For my family.

514
00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:01,529
Hold on.
By "family," you mean...

515
00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:03,990
Mama and Papa will stay with me
until they're settled.

516
00:22:04,032 --> 00:22:06,034
You have officially
piqued my interest.

517
00:22:06,075 --> 00:22:07,368
What do you think?

518
00:22:07,410 --> 00:22:09,245
Does Joel know about this?

519
00:22:09,287 --> 00:22:10,496
Moishe, this is not about Joel.

520
00:22:10,538 --> 00:22:11,873
This is about me.

521
00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:13,750
I want to decide
where my children grow up

522
00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:15,001
and where they go to school.

523
00:22:15,043 --> 00:22:16,294
I love that apartment.

524
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,920
I want to own it.

525
00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:21,799
I want to buy it with my money
that I earned.

526
00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:30,308
Do you have any collateral?

527
00:22:31,768 --> 00:22:33,770
My contract with Shy Baldwin.

528
00:22:33,811 --> 00:22:35,396
It lays out everything.

529
00:22:35,438 --> 00:22:37,356
Six months in Europe,
a variety special in spring,

530
00:22:37,398 --> 00:22:38,775
a Christmas special in December,

531
00:22:38,816 --> 00:22:40,526
both with guaranteed
spots for me.

532
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:42,695
Christmas special,
like with Bob Hope?

533
00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:44,447
Yes, but without Bob Hope.

534
00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:45,823
Bob Hope does great specials.

535
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:48,159
This will be a great special,
just without Bob Hope.

536
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:50,578
If it's a Christmas special,
it should really have Bob Hope.

537
00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:52,413
What do you think, Moishe?

538
00:22:54,415 --> 00:22:57,794
I want you to know that I never
liked what my son did to you.

539
00:22:57,835 --> 00:22:59,879
You were a good girl.

540
00:22:59,921 --> 00:23:03,841
I will never understand
what was going through his head.

541
00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:06,094
I don't want any favors, Moishe.
I don't want pity.

542
00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:08,387
I don't expect you to sell
the apartment to me cheap

543
00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,640
- just because I'm family.
- But it would be nice.

544
00:23:10,681 --> 00:23:13,267
Well, sure. I mean, your son
did dump me, and I am family.

545
00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:16,312
Okay, that was a little funny.

546
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,233
So... Moishe...

547
00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:21,651
what do you say?

548
00:23:21,692 --> 00:23:22,944
60 seconds to go
in the fourth round.

549
00:23:22,985 --> 00:23:24,070
The usual?

550
00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:25,905
There's no way
Patterson's gonna win.

551
00:23:28,116 --> 00:23:29,534
Not too much, now.

552
00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:32,411
I want it to look clean
and cool, like Miles.

553
00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:34,914
Your hair looks the same whether
he makes it clean and cool

554
00:23:34,956 --> 00:23:36,958
or he closes his eyes
and hacks away.

555
00:23:36,999 --> 00:23:39,043
Like Miles...

556
00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:40,670
Shut up, Billy.

557
00:23:40,711 --> 00:23:42,255
You're a jealous old man.

558
00:23:42,296 --> 00:23:43,756
Yeah. I'm the jealous old man

559
00:23:43,798 --> 00:23:45,091
who's paying for these haircuts.

560
00:23:45,133 --> 00:23:47,009
Yeah, well... Touché.

561
00:23:47,051 --> 00:23:49,303
If I tell him to stop right now,
you'll have half a head done.

562
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:50,471
Good. That's good.

563
00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:51,514
I look good.

564
00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:52,598
Don't I look good?!

565
00:23:56,269 --> 00:23:58,396
Hey, Susie, what's happening?

566
00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:00,022
- Patterson's going down.
- That was not the question.

567
00:24:00,064 --> 00:24:01,524
But it's gonna be the outcome.

568
00:24:01,566 --> 00:24:03,442
Stop moving
so the man can finish.

569
00:24:03,484 --> 00:24:04,861
What kind of rush are you in?

570
00:24:04,902 --> 00:24:06,487
There's nothing up there
for him to cut.

571
00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:07,989
There is grooming to be done.

572
00:24:08,030 --> 00:24:09,282
I'm not an animal like you.

573
00:24:09,323 --> 00:24:10,366
Susie!

574
00:24:10,408 --> 00:24:12,451
Ingo's a Viking.
Vikings win.

575
00:24:12,493 --> 00:24:14,996
That's why you see so many
Vikings walking around nowadays.

576
00:24:15,037 --> 00:24:17,039
I got five bucks
says the Viking goes down.

577
00:24:17,081 --> 00:24:19,292
- You're on.
- I got ten that says he doesn't.

578
00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:21,752
Ingo will kill Patterson again.

579
00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:23,546
Eat him and shit out
his leg whole.

580
00:24:23,588 --> 00:24:25,256
Wow. You do talk pretty.

581
00:24:25,298 --> 00:24:27,300
- I'll take that bet.
- You already bet me ten.

582
00:24:27,341 --> 00:24:29,802
- I can bet more than one person.
- With whose paycheck?

583
00:24:29,844 --> 00:24:32,096
Hey, ladies, can we get a little
quiet in the beauty parlor?

584
00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:34,015
There's a goddamn fight on.

585
00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:36,142
- Smoke this.
- Why? Did we fuck?

586
00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:38,728
You know,
you are a very tense person.

587
00:24:38,769 --> 00:24:41,105
I just thought when you said we
were gonna listen to the fight,

588
00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:42,857
that we were gonna, you know,
listen to the fight.

589
00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:44,859
And catch up before the tour.

590
00:24:44,901 --> 00:24:48,029
So, Susie Myerson
and Associates...

591
00:24:48,070 --> 00:24:49,697
Is your client ready?

592
00:24:49,739 --> 00:24:51,157
We're having a conversation now?

593
00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:52,867
- Is she ready?
- Yeah.

594
00:24:52,909 --> 00:24:54,702
She'll be shopping right up
until curtain, but, yeah.

595
00:24:54,744 --> 00:24:56,454
She's ready.

596
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,624
So, what happened with you
and Sophie Lennon?

597
00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:01,209
Nothing.
I made a bad call.

598
00:25:01,250 --> 00:25:02,752
- It won't happen again.
- Sure, it will.

599
00:25:02,793 --> 00:25:03,920
I've been there.

600
00:25:03,961 --> 00:25:05,504
- Remember Nate Green?
- Who?

601
00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:07,465
I thought he was gonna set
the world on fire.

602
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:09,217
Instead, he set
a liquor store on fire.

603
00:25:09,258 --> 00:25:11,135
I still take him smokes
in Attica once a month.

604
00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:12,762
- Shit.
- Yeah, you live, you learn.

605
00:25:12,803 --> 00:25:14,555
But you and Midge,
you're getting along?

606
00:25:14,597 --> 00:25:16,474
Yeah. Considering
she's gonna make me rich,

607
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:17,808
we're getting along fine.

608
00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:19,018
She's gonna make you rich?

609
00:25:19,060 --> 00:25:20,478
Have you read your new contract?

610
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,104
It's just the beginning, pal.
You'll see.

611
00:25:22,146 --> 00:25:24,523
There is no one like her
in the world.

612
00:25:24,565 --> 00:25:27,652
She's like my dirty, sparkly,
good fucking fairy.

613
00:25:27,693 --> 00:25:29,487
- Uh-oh.
- What?

614
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:30,905
You really believe in this girl.

615
00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:32,073
Aren't I supposed to?

616
00:25:32,114 --> 00:25:33,491
- Smells like trouble.
- Why?

617
00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:35,159
Just means
you can't be objective.

618
00:25:35,201 --> 00:25:37,161
Oh, believe me,
I can be objective.

619
00:25:37,203 --> 00:25:38,663
- Mm.
- I know when she sucks.

620
00:25:38,704 --> 00:25:40,039
I know when she's an asshole,

621
00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:41,707
or dressed like
a mental patient.

622
00:25:41,749 --> 00:25:43,918
She's incredibly
high maintenance.

623
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,878
I had to learn how to
sew on sequins in the dark.

624
00:25:47,463 --> 00:25:48,839
She's always late.

625
00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:50,383
You got to feed her
every two hours

626
00:25:50,424 --> 00:25:51,717
like a fucking parking meter.

627
00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:54,011
Shit. I can't get Shy
to eat anything.

628
00:25:54,053 --> 00:25:56,264
That boy exists on coffee,
gin and compliments.

629
00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:57,932
I don't know how
he has the energy.

630
00:25:57,974 --> 00:25:59,684
He's always been like that.

631
00:25:59,725 --> 00:26:02,061
Flashy, jumpy.

632
00:26:02,103 --> 00:26:03,729
But he can sing.

633
00:26:03,771 --> 00:26:05,273
Like no one else in the world.

634
00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:07,066
That's objectively speaking,
right?

635
00:26:07,108 --> 00:26:10,278
Yeah.

636
00:26:10,319 --> 00:26:15,116
It's a strange job, managing
another person's career.

637
00:26:15,157 --> 00:26:16,826
You think you're so important,

638
00:26:16,867 --> 00:26:18,744
and then suddenly,
you're running around Utah

639
00:26:18,786 --> 00:26:21,289
looking for the kind
of toothpaste Shy likes.

640
00:26:21,330 --> 00:26:23,374
Who the fuck listens to Shy
in Utah?

641
00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:25,543
Now, don't get me wrong.

642
00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:27,253
I'm not complaining.

643
00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:29,422
There's good times
and bad times.

644
00:26:29,463 --> 00:26:31,590
When Shy's first record
went gold...

645
00:26:31,632 --> 00:26:33,467
that was a good time.

646
00:26:33,509 --> 00:26:35,553
It's nice when they shine.

647
00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:39,181
You get to share in that,
shine a little yourself.

648
00:26:39,223 --> 00:26:40,933
But then
when they do bad things,

649
00:26:40,975 --> 00:26:42,518
and then you do bad things...

650
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:44,270
- What bad things?
- Things you don't want to do.

651
00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:46,063
But you have to.

652
00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:47,523
You hate it.
You do it.

653
00:26:47,565 --> 00:26:48,774
And then you get paid.

654
00:26:49,984 --> 00:26:52,778
Oh, shit!
I do not believe this!

655
00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:55,281
- What? Don't believe what? -HENRY:
Patterson knocked out the Viking.

656
00:26:55,323 --> 00:26:56,782
What? He what?

657
00:26:56,824 --> 00:26:58,200
Fifth round. Left hook.

658
00:26:58,242 --> 00:27:00,786
- Boom!
- Sent him to Valhalla.

659
00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:02,455
The man still hasn't gotten up.

660
00:27:02,496 --> 00:27:04,123
Why are you so happy?
You just lost.

661
00:27:04,165 --> 00:27:06,334
You gotta admire
a job well done.

662
00:27:06,375 --> 00:27:09,754
Okay, Henry, now you won,
and I owe you this debt,

663
00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:12,590
but I am still in charge
of the rest of your life,

664
00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,425
so this next moment
will officially define

665
00:27:14,467 --> 00:27:16,010
our relationship.

666
00:27:16,052 --> 00:27:17,386
You don't have to pay me.

667
00:27:17,428 --> 00:27:19,013
- It's fine.
- Excellent definition.

668
00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:22,141
Nothing beats fear
when it comes to gambling.

669
00:27:24,185 --> 00:27:26,354
You okay?

670
00:27:26,395 --> 00:27:27,730
You look like you're on a plane.

671
00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:29,565
Yeah. I'm just...

672
00:27:29,607 --> 00:27:31,609
I mean, he had him in round two.
He had him.

673
00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:34,403
Ah... Susie lost some money!

674
00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:38,282
How much you lose?

675
00:27:38,324 --> 00:27:40,201
Come on, I lost, too.

676
00:27:40,242 --> 00:27:42,036
I mean, I didn't have to pay,
but I still lost.

677
00:27:42,078 --> 00:27:43,496
How much did you lose?

678
00:27:43,537 --> 00:27:45,373
Hey! How much did Susie lose?

679
00:27:45,414 --> 00:27:46,624
Don't look at me.

680
00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:48,125
Come on, who'd you bet with?

681
00:27:48,167 --> 00:27:50,378
I'll take care of it.

682
00:27:50,419 --> 00:27:51,837
Who'd you bet with?

683
00:27:51,879 --> 00:27:53,130
It's not a big deal.

684
00:27:53,172 --> 00:27:54,382
How much did you lose?

685
00:27:54,423 --> 00:27:56,175
I'm good.

686
00:27:56,217 --> 00:27:57,802
Susie, how much did you lose?

687
00:27:57,843 --> 00:27:59,345
I'm fine.

688
00:27:59,387 --> 00:28:01,931
I have a meeting.
I have to go.

689
00:28:01,972 --> 00:28:03,891
Hey, we won big.

690
00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:05,184
Let me borrow some
so I can pay him.

691
00:28:10,773 --> 00:28:12,858
Somebody used the fondue pot

692
00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:15,569
for something other
than fondue.

693
00:28:15,611 --> 00:28:19,615
Now, I'm not saying it was you,
but it was fucking you.

694
00:28:21,075 --> 00:28:23,285
Hey, you okay?

695
00:28:46,976 --> 00:28:48,352
Rose.

696
00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:49,645
Oh, my God.

697
00:28:49,687 --> 00:28:51,689
I'm so glad you're here.
Oh, I'm dying.

698
00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:52,940
Dying.

699
00:28:52,982 --> 00:28:54,567
- Do you need this?
- Why, no.

700
00:28:54,608 --> 00:28:56,402
Good.

701
00:28:56,444 --> 00:28:58,362
You'll never believe it.

702
00:28:58,404 --> 00:29:00,656
I can't believe it.
No one around me can believe it.

703
00:29:00,698 --> 00:29:01,782
Slow down, Corinne.
You'll bite your tongue.

704
00:29:01,824 --> 00:29:03,909
- It worked.
- What worked?

705
00:29:03,951 --> 00:29:06,662
- Shira, my daughter, is engaged.
- What?

706
00:29:06,704 --> 00:29:08,038
To the veterinarian.

707
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:09,832
One date.
That's all it took.

708
00:29:09,874 --> 00:29:12,334
When she told me,
I was so stunned

709
00:29:12,376 --> 00:29:14,420
that I agreed to pay
for a wedding in Hawaii.

710
00:29:14,462 --> 00:29:16,005
Hawaii.

711
00:29:16,046 --> 00:29:17,715
Who the hell do we know in Hawaii?

712
00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:20,050
No one.
Who cares?

713
00:29:20,092 --> 00:29:22,887
She wants grass skirts and
ukuleles and I'm not arguing.

714
00:29:22,928 --> 00:29:24,638
She's getting married.

715
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,932
Wait.
Sit there.

716
00:29:30,102 --> 00:29:32,730
For you.

717
00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:34,398
A token of my gratitude.

718
00:29:39,236 --> 00:29:41,113
Your Steuben glassware...

719
00:29:41,155 --> 00:29:43,324
I noticed you always
admired them when you came over.

720
00:29:43,365 --> 00:29:45,576
- I can't.
- I insist.

721
00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:47,453
They must be worth a fortune.

722
00:29:47,495 --> 00:29:49,997
Do you know what I would've paid
to see my daughter married off?

723
00:29:50,039 --> 00:29:51,207
Anything.

724
00:29:51,248 --> 00:29:52,458
Here, take my wedding ring.

725
00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,335
No. The glasses are plenty.

726
00:29:54,376 --> 00:29:55,628
I have been crowing
all over the neighborhood.

727
00:29:55,669 --> 00:29:57,129
Bragging.

728
00:29:57,171 --> 00:29:58,756
I told Judy Kramer
that it was all your idea

729
00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:00,132
and she asked for your number.

730
00:30:00,174 --> 00:30:01,759
- Why?
- Her daughter.

731
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,969
You know,
the tall one with the face?

732
00:30:04,011 --> 00:30:06,013
Oh, yes.
Poor thing.

733
00:30:06,055 --> 00:30:08,724
To look like that and be tall
enough for everyone to see.

734
00:30:08,766 --> 00:30:11,977
Well, she was working in Toronto
for a few months.

735
00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:14,063
She just came back... gorgeous.

736
00:30:14,104 --> 00:30:16,440
- What?
- Stunning. No idea.

737
00:30:16,482 --> 00:30:19,360
Only now, she has
an ugly girl's personality

738
00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:21,737
in a pretty girl's body,
and everybody is confused.

739
00:30:21,779 --> 00:30:23,572
- Well, that can be tricky.
- Like Hedy Lamarr,

740
00:30:23,614 --> 00:30:26,325
- but she falls a lot.
- Well, she's not used to heels.

741
00:30:26,367 --> 00:30:28,953
Judy doesn't know what to do
with her, and she thought,

742
00:30:28,994 --> 00:30:30,663
with your matchmaking skills,
you could help.

743
00:30:30,704 --> 00:30:33,082
I told her, of course
you could help. Word of Shira

744
00:30:33,123 --> 00:30:35,376
has swept the garden club
like wildfire.

745
00:30:35,417 --> 00:30:36,710
My goodness.

746
00:30:36,752 --> 00:30:38,712
You are going to be a busy lady.

747
00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:40,130
Okay.

748
00:30:40,172 --> 00:30:41,840
I saw you.

749
00:30:41,882 --> 00:30:44,051
You have the glasses.
I have to go.

750
00:30:44,093 --> 00:30:46,053
- What's poi?
- I don't know.

751
00:30:46,095 --> 00:30:47,805
I'll figure it out.
You're a genius.

752
00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:49,265
Thank you for the glasses.

753
00:30:49,306 --> 00:30:51,559
I may actually have
a grandchild.

754
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:54,645
That's worth more than
all the glasses in the world.

755
00:30:54,687 --> 00:30:56,605
You sure
you don't want the ring?

756
00:30:56,647 --> 00:30:58,190
- I'm sure.
- Okay.

757
00:30:58,232 --> 00:30:59,858
See you later, Rose.

758
00:30:59,900 --> 00:31:01,902
See you later.

759
00:31:07,575 --> 00:31:09,451
Dr. Thomas to Intensive Care.

760
00:31:09,493 --> 00:31:11,245
Morning, Donna.
I know I'm behind,

761
00:31:11,287 --> 00:31:13,330
but there's a very good
explana... Oh, boy.

762
00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:16,584
Rose. Again.
What a nice surprise. Again.

763
00:31:16,625 --> 00:31:18,711
Benjamin,
have I got a girl for you.

764
00:31:18,752 --> 00:31:20,254
- A...
- Judy Kramer's daughter.

765
00:31:20,296 --> 00:31:22,423
- Judy who?
- Judy Kramer.

766
00:31:22,464 --> 00:31:24,842
- Your mother knows her. Anyhow.
- Oh, good.

767
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,845
Her daughter... very bright,
like you; very tall, like you.

768
00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:30,389
She used to look terrible,
but now she's beautiful,

769
00:31:30,431 --> 00:31:32,808
though still very clumsy,
which I think will work nicely

770
00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:35,394
because it's a little weird.
Get it? Weird?

771
00:31:35,436 --> 00:31:37,438
Rose, it is very sweet of you
to think about this,

772
00:31:37,479 --> 00:31:40,024
- but really, I'm doing just...
- Miriam doesn't have to be

773
00:31:40,065 --> 00:31:41,442
the last girl for you.
I was right once.

774
00:31:41,483 --> 00:31:43,694
- I can be right again.
- Rose, I promise you, I'm fine.

775
00:31:43,736 --> 00:31:45,154
- You know, you won't be this
handsome forever. -Well,

776
00:31:45,195 --> 00:31:47,197
I have a painting in my attic
that would prove otherwise.

777
00:31:47,239 --> 00:31:49,867
See? Clever.
Judy's daughter's clever, too.

778
00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:51,577
I know I'm right about this.

779
00:31:51,619 --> 00:31:55,873
Rose, I really have to get back
to... bleeding people.

780
00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:58,042
Oh, okay. We don't have
to decide this right now, but...

781
00:31:58,083 --> 00:32:00,252
Excuse me.

782
00:32:00,294 --> 00:32:04,256
Here. You'll know where
to find me when you're ready.

783
00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:08,302
Don't wait too long to be happy.

784
00:32:15,476 --> 00:32:17,519
Taxi!

785
00:32:19,563 --> 00:32:21,523
Hey, asshole.

786
00:32:21,565 --> 00:32:23,400
Oh...

787
00:32:25,110 --> 00:32:27,279
Excuse me, sir.

788
00:32:27,321 --> 00:32:29,782
Did you throw a tomato at me?

789
00:32:29,823 --> 00:32:32,159
If you did,
I assume it was an accident,

790
00:32:32,201 --> 00:32:34,328
and I'm willing
to accept an apology.

791
00:32:34,370 --> 00:32:37,998
I... apologize.

792
00:32:46,090 --> 00:32:48,175
- Rose.
- Oh, my! Abe.

793
00:32:48,217 --> 00:32:50,803
You scared the living daylights
out of me.

794
00:32:50,844 --> 00:32:52,429
What on earth?

795
00:32:52,471 --> 00:32:53,931
What happened to you?

796
00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:55,683
The most wonderful thing.

797
00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:57,476
Wonderful?
Your nose is bleeding.

798
00:32:57,518 --> 00:32:59,144
A man threw a tomato at me.

799
00:32:59,186 --> 00:33:00,771
- He what?
 -Three tomatoes, actually.

800
00:33:00,813 --> 00:33:02,648
He threw three tomatoes at me
point blank.

801
00:33:02,690 --> 00:33:04,733
- Abe... -I gave him a
chance to apologize.

802
00:33:04,775 --> 00:33:07,152
- He didn't take it, so I pushed him.
- You what?

803
00:33:07,194 --> 00:33:10,531
I physically put my two hands
on his chest and pushed him.

804
00:33:10,572 --> 00:33:12,574
And then, he pushed me back,
so I pushed him back.

805
00:33:12,616 --> 00:33:14,451
And then he pushed me back,
and before I knew it,

806
00:33:14,493 --> 00:33:16,161
we were fighting!
Well, sort of.

807
00:33:16,203 --> 00:33:19,373
It was more of a freeform
grapple than actual fisticuffs,

808
00:33:19,415 --> 00:33:21,959
but we scuffled like dandies,
and fell in the street.

809
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,794
We almost got hit
by a garbage truck,

810
00:33:23,836 --> 00:33:25,170
but it was going very slowly,

811
00:33:25,212 --> 00:33:27,381
so we managed
to roll out of the way.

812
00:33:27,423 --> 00:33:29,800
Abe, this is terrible. You were
assaulted by a stranger.

813
00:33:29,842 --> 00:33:32,302
No, Rose, not a stranger.

814
00:33:32,344 --> 00:33:33,971
David Merrick.

815
00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:36,014
David Merrick?
Who is that, a gangster?

816
00:33:36,056 --> 00:33:37,683
Kind of.
He's a Broadway producer.

817
00:33:37,725 --> 00:33:40,060
And, Rose... he read it.

818
00:33:40,102 --> 00:33:43,731
David Merrick read my piece,
and he despised it.

819
00:33:43,772 --> 00:33:45,315
His assistants, too.

820
00:33:45,357 --> 00:33:47,359
They pushed me around a little,
as well.

821
00:33:47,401 --> 00:33:48,944
They hate me.

822
00:33:48,986 --> 00:33:50,988
They all absolutely hate me.

823
00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:53,157
Well, terrific.

824
00:33:53,198 --> 00:33:54,575
Don't you understand?

825
00:33:54,616 --> 00:33:56,368
My piece... it got to them.

826
00:33:56,410 --> 00:33:58,912
My words incited theater people,

827
00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:00,998
people who make a living
sitting down.

828
00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:02,833
It incited them to get up

829
00:34:02,875 --> 00:34:04,835
and commit an act
of physical violence!

830
00:34:04,877 --> 00:34:07,421
Abe, I think this must have been
a very underripe tomato,

831
00:34:07,463 --> 00:34:09,631
and it hit you in the head.
You are possibly concussed.

832
00:34:09,673 --> 00:34:13,010
No. Rose, it was a perfectly
ripe, beautiful tomato.

833
00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:14,803
It would have made
a wonderful salad.

834
00:34:14,845 --> 00:34:16,972
And instead,
it was meant for me.

835
00:34:17,014 --> 00:34:18,849
Can I please take you
to the doctor?

836
00:34:18,891 --> 00:34:20,517
Moishe was wrong.

837
00:34:20,559 --> 00:34:22,436
His father should have opened
that goat farm.

838
00:34:22,478 --> 00:34:26,231
And the written word...
it's going to change the world.

839
00:34:30,861 --> 00:34:32,988
Here we go, Rosie.

840
00:34:33,030 --> 00:34:35,032
Moishe! Buy a goat!

841
00:34:35,073 --> 00:34:36,700
The world is changing!

842
00:34:36,742 --> 00:34:38,160
Don't come in here!

843
00:34:38,202 --> 00:34:39,995
- I'm not wearing pants.
- Pants be damned.

844
00:34:41,580 --> 00:34:43,999
Well, this is lovely, isn't it?

845
00:34:44,041 --> 00:34:45,918
Perfect weather,
like out of a movie.

846
00:34:45,959 --> 00:34:48,796
And in this movie, what does
the spunky brunette want to talk

847
00:34:48,837 --> 00:34:50,214
to the little blonde dish about?

848
00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:51,965
What do you mean?

849
00:34:52,007 --> 00:34:54,051
The brunette just wanted to
spend time with the dish, and...

850
00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:55,719
- Archie wants to come home.
- Oh, I knew it.

851
00:34:55,761 --> 00:34:57,596
Imogene, he's dying.
Give him a break.

852
00:34:57,638 --> 00:34:59,264
You know, when we first
started dating,

853
00:34:59,306 --> 00:35:01,141
Archie would sit outside
my house for hours.

854
00:35:01,183 --> 00:35:03,477
The police never arrested him
because, you know, he's Archie.

855
00:35:03,519 --> 00:35:05,687
- He looks like a choirboy.
He was a choirboy. -Oh.

856
00:35:05,729 --> 00:35:07,231
He's got a lovely baritone,
by the way.

857
00:35:07,272 --> 00:35:08,732
But they would shoo him off.

858
00:35:08,774 --> 00:35:10,275
And the next day,
he'd be right back there,

859
00:35:10,317 --> 00:35:12,027
sitting in the tree
next to my bedroom window.

860
00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:13,821
Romantic.
With just a hint of creepy.

861
00:35:13,862 --> 00:35:15,614
I thought
he'd be in my tree forever.

862
00:35:15,656 --> 00:35:17,324
He will be.

863
00:35:17,366 --> 00:35:19,159
Imogene, really, do you honestly
think that Archie would...

864
00:35:19,201 --> 00:35:21,620
Stay out every night doing God
knows what with God knows who?

865
00:35:21,662 --> 00:35:23,914
He was painting walls and
sanding floorboards with Joel.

866
00:35:23,956 --> 00:35:25,791
Oh, is that what
they're calling it these days?

867
00:35:25,833 --> 00:35:27,167
- Imogene...
- Painting walls.

868
00:35:27,209 --> 00:35:28,710
- Seriously...
- Sanding floorboards.

869
00:35:28,752 --> 00:35:30,546
- Okay. -He wasn't
fixing up Joel's club.

870
00:35:30,587 --> 00:35:32,798
He was imagining what it would
be like to not have a family,

871
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:34,925
to not have three children,
to not be married to me.

872
00:35:34,967 --> 00:35:37,010
That's what he was doing
every night, with Joel.

873
00:35:37,052 --> 00:35:40,305
Okay, maybe for a moment,
but, Imogene, he is miserable.

874
00:35:40,347 --> 00:35:42,307
He wants nothing more
than to come home.

875
00:35:42,349 --> 00:35:43,976
I would not be standing here
saying this

876
00:35:44,017 --> 00:35:46,019
if I did not believe it
with my whole heart.

877
00:35:46,061 --> 00:35:47,729
- Really?
- Yes.

878
00:35:47,771 --> 00:35:49,523
You, who had her husband
walk out on her,

879
00:35:49,565 --> 00:35:51,441
who saw her whole life
blow up in her face,

880
00:35:51,483 --> 00:35:53,318
you honestly believe
that if I let him come back,

881
00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:55,112
all will be well,
and nothing like what happened

882
00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:56,613
to you will ever happen to me?

883
00:35:56,655 --> 00:35:58,740
Yes, Imogene, I absolutely do.

884
00:36:00,742 --> 00:36:03,245
Okay.

885
00:36:45,954 --> 00:36:48,248
My name is Imogene Cleary.

886
00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:55,297
We're not open yet.

887
00:36:55,339 --> 00:36:57,299
Hi.

888
00:36:57,341 --> 00:36:59,176
Hello.

889
00:36:59,217 --> 00:37:00,969
- Nice club.
- Thanks.

890
00:37:01,011 --> 00:37:03,055
Doesn't smell like
anyone's pissed in it yet.

891
00:37:03,096 --> 00:37:05,432
- Oh, they have.
- Okay.

892
00:37:05,474 --> 00:37:07,851
- Can I come in?
- Uh...

893
00:37:07,893 --> 00:37:09,853
It's important.

894
00:37:09,895 --> 00:37:12,356
Okay. Sure, come on in.

895
00:37:16,610 --> 00:37:18,570
You okay?
Your eyes are...

896
00:37:18,612 --> 00:37:21,740
Oh, yeah.
I have, uh, bird allergies.

897
00:37:23,367 --> 00:37:25,327
Could I maybe have a drink?

898
00:37:25,369 --> 00:37:27,204
Okay. You want a beer?

899
00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:29,247
Beer. Sure.

900
00:37:33,794 --> 00:37:35,796
Actually, could I have
something stronger?

901
00:37:45,597 --> 00:37:47,224
Thanks.

902
00:37:48,475 --> 00:37:50,268
Could I have another one?

903
00:37:50,310 --> 00:37:52,312
You want to start a tab?

904
00:37:55,107 --> 00:37:57,776
So, you got my attention.

905
00:37:57,818 --> 00:38:00,362
Yeah. Okay.

906
00:38:03,782 --> 00:38:05,826
So, I know you are not a friend.

907
00:38:05,867 --> 00:38:07,661
We barely know each other.

908
00:38:07,703 --> 00:38:10,664
We've talked what,
three times ever? Once civil.

909
00:38:10,706 --> 00:38:12,749
- Eh...
- Okay, never civil, but...

910
00:38:12,791 --> 00:38:15,419
I need you
to do something for me.

911
00:38:17,671 --> 00:38:20,007
I need you
to take care of Midge's money.

912
00:38:20,048 --> 00:38:22,467
I need you to get the checks,
put them in a bank.

913
00:38:22,509 --> 00:38:23,885
- Whoa.
- Keep track of what's there,

914
00:38:23,927 --> 00:38:25,721
what she's owed,
what she spends.

915
00:38:25,762 --> 00:38:27,973
- What are you talking about?
- I can steer her career.

916
00:38:28,015 --> 00:38:30,642
I've got that down, and I am
gonna make her a very big star.

917
00:38:30,684 --> 00:38:33,020
But the money...

918
00:38:33,061 --> 00:38:35,397
I need you
to protect it from now on.

919
00:38:35,439 --> 00:38:36,940
- From what?
- From me.

920
00:38:36,982 --> 00:38:38,817
- Susie...
- I will

921
00:38:38,859 --> 00:38:40,694
send the checks to you directly
as soon as I get 'em.

922
00:38:40,736 --> 00:38:42,195
- Susie...
- Maybe I should just have

923
00:38:42,237 --> 00:38:43,989
Shy's people get it
to you directly.

924
00:38:44,031 --> 00:38:45,949
Cut out the middleman... me.

925
00:38:45,991 --> 00:38:48,368
Cut out me. Yeah,
that's probably the best idea.

926
00:38:48,410 --> 00:38:50,412
- Susie... -I'll transfer all the
money that she's made so far.

927
00:38:50,454 --> 00:38:53,707
Every penny. I just need
a little time to get it all...

928
00:38:53,749 --> 00:38:55,709
organized,
but I will get it to you,

929
00:38:55,751 --> 00:38:58,003
and then, once a week,
I will send you a check.

930
00:38:58,045 --> 00:38:59,880
Or they will send you a check.
Once a week,

931
00:38:59,921 --> 00:39:01,256
- someone will send you a check.
- Hold on.

932
00:39:01,298 --> 00:39:03,508
So... thanks for the drinks.

933
00:39:03,550 --> 00:39:05,635
Mm.

934
00:39:05,677 --> 00:39:07,971
- We'll talk more later.
- Susie, stop.

935
00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:11,308
You can't just come in here
like that.

936
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:13,310
I mean, why? Why me?

937
00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:15,103
There's business managers
and accountants

938
00:39:15,145 --> 00:39:17,397
and a lot of other people
who are trained to do this.

939
00:39:17,439 --> 00:39:19,316
I mean, hell,
Shy must have a team of people

940
00:39:19,357 --> 00:39:20,859
- you could ask to...
- 'Cause you love her!

941
00:39:20,901 --> 00:39:23,737
You'll always be in love
with her.

942
00:39:23,779 --> 00:39:26,490
You won't let anything bad
happen to her, ever.

943
00:39:26,531 --> 00:39:28,283
It has to be you.

944
00:39:29,826 --> 00:39:31,536
Just let me tell her, okay?

945
00:39:31,578 --> 00:39:33,330
What, that I'll love her
forever?

946
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,499
No, about the money. She knows
the other shit. Everybody does.

947
00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:44,591
I'm only gonna say this once,
so pay attention... thank you.

948
00:39:54,434 --> 00:39:56,186
The first moment
I saw Midge Maisel,

949
00:39:56,228 --> 00:39:58,105
I thought, "That is one
red-hot cocktail waitress."

950
00:39:58,146 --> 00:39:59,689
French-restaurant-level
cocktail waitress.

951
00:39:59,731 --> 00:40:01,316
When I found out
she was a comic,

952
00:40:01,358 --> 00:40:03,068
you could have knocked me over
with a feather.

953
00:40:03,110 --> 00:40:04,653
I would've preferred a mallet.

954
00:40:04,694 --> 00:40:06,530
Yeah, and now she's scored
a tour with Shy Baldwin.

955
00:40:06,571 --> 00:40:08,406
Knife in my heart right here.

956
00:40:08,448 --> 00:40:10,367
While I still think she'd make
a red-hot cocktail waitress...

957
00:40:10,408 --> 00:40:12,119
I'd definitely exceed
my two-drink minimum.

958
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:13,787
She has since proven
a good sport,

959
00:40:13,829 --> 00:40:15,247
a tough competitor,

960
00:40:15,288 --> 00:40:16,790
the best-smelling person
in a club.

961
00:40:16,832 --> 00:40:18,375
Not that that's hard.

962
00:40:18,416 --> 00:40:21,086
I can honestly say,
from the bottom of my heart,

963
00:40:21,128 --> 00:40:22,462
fuck you, Mrs. Maisel.

964
00:40:22,504 --> 00:40:23,880
- Oh. Fuck you...
- Oh.

965
00:40:23,922 --> 00:40:25,799
Fuck you, Mrs. Maisel.

966
00:40:25,841 --> 00:40:28,176
Thank you.
I'm trying not to cry.

967
00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:30,512
Go out there and show 'em
how it's done.

968
00:40:30,554 --> 00:40:33,598
Because, if you fail,
no one will ever let you forget.

969
00:40:35,767 --> 00:40:37,519
Yeah, that wasn't a joke.

970
00:40:37,561 --> 00:40:39,604
Well, it's gonna sound like
a cliché, but what the hell.

971
00:40:39,646 --> 00:40:41,148
- How dare you.
- Benjamin.

972
00:40:41,189 --> 00:40:44,192
- Yes. Good guess.
- Wha... What are you doing here?

973
00:40:44,234 --> 00:40:46,444
When you want to find a penguin,
you head to the North Pole.

974
00:40:47,821 --> 00:40:49,531
You want to do this sitting here
surrounded

975
00:40:49,573 --> 00:40:51,700
by your flunkies like you're
the poor man's Rat Pack, or...?

976
00:40:51,741 --> 00:40:54,077
What? I... No.

977
00:40:54,119 --> 00:40:55,996
No. I...

978
00:40:56,037 --> 00:40:57,747
You don't see I have to move?

979
00:40:57,789 --> 00:41:01,418
- Oh, oh, uh...
- Are you gonna?

980
00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:03,879
- Should I get up, or...?
- I'm not blocking her.

981
00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:05,338
There she goes.

982
00:41:05,380 --> 00:41:06,464
Okay.

983
00:41:06,506 --> 00:41:07,632
Sorry.

984
00:41:07,674 --> 00:41:09,176
Hi. How are you?

985
00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:11,011
- That's funny.
- No, I mean...

986
00:41:11,052 --> 00:41:12,721
Don't worry about the small
talk. This won't take long.

987
00:41:12,762 --> 00:41:14,556
- It wasn't small.
- I let you off easy, didn't I?

988
00:41:14,598 --> 00:41:16,183
- I... -You sent me a
"Dear John" letter...

989
00:41:16,224 --> 00:41:18,101
unproofed, by the way...
and I didn't chase you down,

990
00:41:18,143 --> 00:41:19,978
I didn't call you,
I didn't show up at your door

991
00:41:20,020 --> 00:41:21,438
demanding an explanation, did I?

992
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:22,939
- No.
- That's right, no.

993
00:41:22,981 --> 00:41:24,441
I let you slink off
into the night,

994
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:26,359
like a goddamn
Damon Runyon character.

995
00:41:26,401 --> 00:41:27,819
I figure if that's the way
you wanted it,

996
00:41:27,861 --> 00:41:29,446
I wasn't gonna beg you
for an explanation,

997
00:41:29,487 --> 00:41:32,115
an explanation I was absolutely
entitled to, by the way.

998
00:41:32,157 --> 00:41:34,284
Yes. You were.
I am so sorry.

999
00:41:34,326 --> 00:41:36,244
I handled the whole
thing with dignity, grace.

1000
00:41:36,286 --> 00:41:37,662
I handled it all very calmly.

1001
00:41:37,704 --> 00:41:39,414
I handle things very calmly.
I don't get mad.

1002
00:41:39,456 --> 00:41:41,875
I can't get mad. When you're
really tall, you can't get mad.

1003
00:41:41,917 --> 00:41:44,336
You can't pace around
and wave your arms in the air

1004
00:41:44,377 --> 00:41:46,755
and raise your voice,
because people get scared. See?

1005
00:41:46,796 --> 00:41:48,757
Look around. See? That's what
people look like when

1006
00:41:48,798 --> 00:41:50,550
you're really tall
and really mad.

1007
00:41:50,592 --> 00:41:52,469
I look like an angry building!

1008
00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:55,680
So I stay calm...
all the goddamn time.

1009
00:41:55,722 --> 00:41:57,098
But this time...

1010
00:41:57,140 --> 00:41:58,683
Oh.

1011
00:41:58,725 --> 00:42:00,352
This time,
you have pushed me too far.

1012
00:42:00,393 --> 00:42:02,646
What did I do?
I mean, besides...

1013
00:42:02,687 --> 00:42:05,315
I work in a hospital, Miriam.
I perform surgery.

1014
00:42:05,357 --> 00:42:07,692
I hold really sharp tools
that I cut people open with.

1015
00:42:07,734 --> 00:42:10,070
And if I cut them open
incorrectly, they tend to die.

1016
00:42:10,111 --> 00:42:13,198
And that's where you chose
to send your mother

1017
00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:15,659
- to fix me up with another girl?!
- What?

1018
00:42:15,700 --> 00:42:17,494
- Are you insane?
- Benjamin, I swear,

1019
00:42:17,535 --> 00:42:19,412
I had no idea
she was gonna do that.

1020
00:42:19,454 --> 00:42:20,872
Bullshit, Miriam.
You feel guilty.

1021
00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:22,332
So, you decided
to get me settled

1022
00:42:22,374 --> 00:42:24,000
so you don't have
to feel bad anymore.

1023
00:42:24,042 --> 00:42:25,460
Well, fuck that.

1024
00:42:25,502 --> 00:42:27,003
You don't get a say
in what happens to me.

1025
00:42:27,045 --> 00:42:28,672
You feel like a louse?
Too bad. Live with it.

1026
00:42:28,713 --> 00:42:31,383
Benjamin, please,
can we just sit and talk?

1027
00:42:31,424 --> 00:42:32,926
Please?

1028
00:42:45,105 --> 00:42:46,731
Thank you.

1029
00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:52,279
Oh, you're going
to have to start.

1030
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:53,863
Right.

1031
00:42:53,905 --> 00:42:55,490
Sorry.

1032
00:42:55,532 --> 00:42:58,576
Benjamin, I owe you the
biggest apology in the world.

1033
00:42:58,618 --> 00:43:01,621
I am totally and completely
ashamed of myself.

1034
00:43:01,663 --> 00:43:03,623
I never pegged you for a coward.

1035
00:43:03,665 --> 00:43:05,750
That letter...
that was a coward's move.

1036
00:43:05,792 --> 00:43:08,253
I know it was.

1037
00:43:08,295 --> 00:43:09,838
I don't understand.

1038
00:43:09,879 --> 00:43:11,339
What happened?

1039
00:43:11,381 --> 00:43:13,466
I explained it all
in the letter.

1040
00:43:13,508 --> 00:43:15,093
I stopped reading the letter
after the words

1041
00:43:15,135 --> 00:43:16,553
"I can't marry you."

1042
00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:19,180
- Oh.
- That kind of gave the end away.

1043
00:43:19,222 --> 00:43:22,225
You know, it's funny,
I... can stand onstage

1044
00:43:22,267 --> 00:43:24,436
and say all sorts
of uncomfortable,

1045
00:43:24,477 --> 00:43:26,563
embarrassing personal things.

1046
00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:29,316
But the thought of standing
in front of you,

1047
00:43:29,357 --> 00:43:30,984
telling you...

1048
00:43:31,026 --> 00:43:33,820
I just... couldn't.

1049
00:43:33,862 --> 00:43:35,905
So I wrote a letter.

1050
00:43:35,947 --> 00:43:38,074
Like a coward.

1051
00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:40,076
But you have to understand,

1052
00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:42,996
when I accepted your proposal,
I was fed up with stand-up.

1053
00:43:43,038 --> 00:43:44,748
I was thinking of quitting.

1054
00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:47,876
I thought maybe comedy was just
a phase, and I could get married

1055
00:43:47,917 --> 00:43:51,254
and hop down to the Gaslight
once or twice a week, do a set,

1056
00:43:51,296 --> 00:43:53,214
like a bowling league
with better shoes.

1057
00:43:53,256 --> 00:43:55,258
I thought
maybe that could be enough.

1058
00:43:56,801 --> 00:43:59,679
And then Shy Baldwin called.

1059
00:43:59,721 --> 00:44:02,599
And a lightning bolt
went through me.

1060
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,477
I just... knew.

1061
00:44:05,518 --> 00:44:08,730
This was it
for the rest of my life.

1062
00:44:08,772 --> 00:44:11,691
No turning back.

1063
00:44:11,733 --> 00:44:15,570
- And I knew that would be a problem.
- How?

1064
00:44:15,612 --> 00:44:17,530
- How what? -How did you know
it was going to be a problem?

1065
00:44:17,572 --> 00:44:20,617
- Oh, Benjamin, come on.
- Come on, what?

1066
00:44:20,658 --> 00:44:22,494
I talk about my life onstage.

1067
00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:24,245
My whole life.

1068
00:44:24,287 --> 00:44:26,247
I talk about my parents
and my children,

1069
00:44:26,289 --> 00:44:28,625
and my relationships
and my failures,

1070
00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:30,251
and everyone else's failures,

1071
00:44:30,293 --> 00:44:32,670
and my girdle and my sex life.

1072
00:44:32,712 --> 00:44:34,172
- I have seen you onstage.
- Twice.

1073
00:44:34,214 --> 00:44:35,632
You've seen me twice.

1074
00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:36,966
It would be different
if we were married.

1075
00:44:37,008 --> 00:44:38,343
It would be constant.

1076
00:44:38,385 --> 00:44:40,303
You wouldn't be able
to handle it.

1077
00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:42,889
- Oh, really? -My stand-up was
the reason that Joel and I...

1078
00:44:42,931 --> 00:44:44,224
- I am not Joel.
- I know.

1079
00:44:44,265 --> 00:44:45,683
I got two feet on the guy alone.

1080
00:44:45,725 --> 00:44:48,228
- You are both men.
- What the hell does that mean?

1081
00:44:48,269 --> 00:44:50,605
- Proud men. Strong men.
- Did you ask?

1082
00:44:50,647 --> 00:44:52,524
Did you ever say,
"Hey, Benjamin,

1083
00:44:52,565 --> 00:44:54,984
if I constantly talk about you
onstage, is that a problem?"

1084
00:44:55,026 --> 00:44:57,028
- No, I didn't.
- That's right.

1085
00:44:57,070 --> 00:44:59,322
You didn't even
give me a chance.

1086
00:44:59,364 --> 00:45:01,616
You left me out
of the equation altogether.

1087
00:45:01,658 --> 00:45:03,326
I would have been on the road.

1088
00:45:03,368 --> 00:45:06,246
We would have been separated
a lot.

1089
00:45:06,287 --> 00:45:09,833
And the coming back together
would've been sensational.

1090
00:45:13,753 --> 00:45:15,380
Please don't go.

1091
00:45:15,422 --> 00:45:17,715
You broke my heart, Miriam.

1092
00:45:20,427 --> 00:45:22,470
Do not send your mother again.

1093
00:45:27,976 --> 00:45:31,688
You never even got
to see the ring.

1094
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:35,483
It was spectacular, by the way.

1095
00:45:37,402 --> 00:45:40,155
I have no doubt.

1096
00:45:48,746 --> 00:45:49,956
Oh, yes, Anya.

1097
00:45:49,998 --> 00:45:51,624
And your youngest girl, Leslie,

1098
00:45:51,666 --> 00:45:53,251
is she still single?

1099
00:45:53,293 --> 00:45:55,003
Oh, she is. Good.

1100
00:45:55,044 --> 00:45:58,756
And is there
any specific reason why?

1101
00:45:58,798 --> 00:46:01,509
Well, has she tried bangs?

1102
00:46:01,551 --> 00:46:03,094
Oh. How unfortunate.

1103
00:46:03,136 --> 00:46:05,763
Well, there must be
some wonderful man out there

1104
00:46:05,805 --> 00:46:07,849
just waiting
for someone like Leslie.

1105
00:46:07,891 --> 00:46:10,935
And she turns 30 when?

1106
00:46:10,977 --> 00:46:13,021
Mm-hmm.

1107
00:46:13,062 --> 00:46:15,023
Oh, no,
there's plenty of time.

1108
00:46:15,064 --> 00:46:16,608
Don't you worry.

1109
00:46:16,649 --> 00:46:18,359
Mama! Where are you?

1110
00:46:18,401 --> 00:46:22,113
In the meantime,
I will put my thinking cap on.

1111
00:46:22,155 --> 00:46:23,698
Hang up.

1112
00:46:23,740 --> 00:46:25,116
Anya, I have to go,

1113
00:46:25,158 --> 00:46:27,118
but I will call you soon.

1114
00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:29,204
Being on the road
has made you extremely rude.

1115
00:46:29,245 --> 00:46:31,623
I cannot believe
you went to Benjamin.

1116
00:46:31,664 --> 00:46:33,875
- Miriam...
- To his work. His work.

1117
00:46:33,917 --> 00:46:35,627
Well, I wasn't gonna accost him
in the street.

1118
00:46:35,668 --> 00:46:37,712
And you went to his work to try
and set him up with a girl.

1119
00:46:37,754 --> 00:46:39,547
Am I getting the story right?
Because I really want

1120
00:46:39,589 --> 00:46:41,049
to get the story right
before I tell you

1121
00:46:41,090 --> 00:46:42,634
how incredibly out of line
it was.

1122
00:46:42,675 --> 00:46:43,718
Keep your voice down.

1123
00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:45,553
Do you know how hard
it must've been for him

1124
00:46:45,595 --> 00:46:47,055
when I backed out
of the wedding?

1125
00:46:47,096 --> 00:46:49,182
- I'm assuming it wasn't easy.
- And you had the gall,

1126
00:46:49,224 --> 00:46:51,935
the hubris, the insensitivity

1127
00:46:51,976 --> 00:46:55,188
to go down there and drag him
back into that all over again?

1128
00:46:55,230 --> 00:46:58,066
This was none of your business.

1129
00:46:58,107 --> 00:47:00,068
This was between Benjamin
and me.

1130
00:47:00,109 --> 00:47:01,819
No one asked you
to get in the middle.

1131
00:47:01,861 --> 00:47:03,238
I know he didn't.

1132
00:47:03,279 --> 00:47:04,739
I'm not gonna be talked to
like this by my own daughter.

1133
00:47:04,781 --> 00:47:06,574
You know what,
I am sorry, Mama.

1134
00:47:06,616 --> 00:47:08,993
I'm sorry
that you are so disappointed

1135
00:47:09,035 --> 00:47:10,995
in how my life turned out.

1136
00:47:11,037 --> 00:47:13,998
I'm sorry that you can't
understand the turn it's taken.

1137
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:16,334
I have certainly tried
to explain it to you,

1138
00:47:16,376 --> 00:47:17,835
to include you in it,

1139
00:47:17,877 --> 00:47:19,754
but you don't want to understand
or be included.

1140
00:47:19,796 --> 00:47:22,465
You just want
to be disappointed.

1141
00:47:22,507 --> 00:47:24,634
I'm sorry that I am a comedian

1142
00:47:24,676 --> 00:47:26,803
and that you can't watch me
onstage

1143
00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:28,638
and that you still think
I'm a prostitute.

1144
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,641
I'm sorry that Joel left me
and blew up my life,

1145
00:47:31,683 --> 00:47:32,976
but he did.

1146
00:47:33,017 --> 00:47:34,477
He left.

1147
00:47:34,519 --> 00:47:36,187
He blew up my life.

1148
00:47:36,229 --> 00:47:37,647
I did not want that to happen.

1149
00:47:37,689 --> 00:47:38,982
But it did happen,

1150
00:47:39,023 --> 00:47:40,984
and I had to do something
about it.

1151
00:47:41,025 --> 00:47:43,319
And one of these days, you
are gonna have to acknowledge

1152
00:47:43,361 --> 00:47:45,238
that this is the new reality.

1153
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:48,449
That I am,
for the first time in my life,

1154
00:47:48,491 --> 00:47:50,285
taking charge of my own destiny,

1155
00:47:50,326 --> 00:47:53,955
just like Joel is in charge
of his life and so is Benjamin.

1156
00:47:53,997 --> 00:47:56,040
Maybe you need to get a life
of your own

1157
00:47:56,082 --> 00:47:58,376
and you can stop trying
to manipulate the lives

1158
00:47:58,418 --> 00:48:00,795
of those around you.

1159
00:48:02,839 --> 00:48:04,215
You're right.

1160
00:48:04,257 --> 00:48:06,217
I don't understand
what your life is

1161
00:48:06,259 --> 00:48:08,052
or why you do what you do.

1162
00:48:08,094 --> 00:48:09,846
And, yes,
I do feel that comedy

1163
00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,472
and prostitution
are one and the same.

1164
00:48:11,514 --> 00:48:14,183
And, no, I don't know
how to explain it to my friends

1165
00:48:14,225 --> 00:48:15,602
or my rabbi.
I don't know how to explain

1166
00:48:15,643 --> 00:48:17,145
that my daughter
leaves her children

1167
00:48:17,186 --> 00:48:20,148
to travel around with a tiny
part-time plumber in a hat.

1168
00:48:20,189 --> 00:48:22,150
I don't understand
why it's funny

1169
00:48:22,191 --> 00:48:24,193
to talk about your parents
onstage,

1170
00:48:24,235 --> 00:48:26,029
why it's fun
to hear people laugh

1171
00:48:26,070 --> 00:48:28,615
at their mistakes
and misfortune.

1172
00:48:28,656 --> 00:48:32,702
But there is one area where you
and I are in perfect agreement:

1173
00:48:32,744 --> 00:48:34,954
how precarious a woman's life is

1174
00:48:34,996 --> 00:48:37,874
when it's dependent
on the whims of a man.

1175
00:48:37,915 --> 00:48:40,877
That is a lesson I have
also learned the hard way.

1176
00:48:40,918 --> 00:48:42,629
Your father blew up
my life, too.

1177
00:48:42,670 --> 00:48:44,547
He took everything away
in the blink of an eye,

1178
00:48:44,589 --> 00:48:46,049
and now it's up to me
to get it back.

1179
00:48:46,090 --> 00:48:48,968
And that is exactly what
I intend to do.

1180
00:48:52,722 --> 00:48:54,015
Now,

1181
00:48:54,057 --> 00:48:56,476
if you'll excuse me.

1182
00:49:06,569 --> 00:49:08,112
Bernice,

1183
00:49:08,154 --> 00:49:09,781
Rose Weissman here.

1184
00:49:09,822 --> 00:49:11,449
Left field question,

1185
00:49:11,491 --> 00:49:14,952
is your son
still clinically blind?

1186
00:49:14,994 --> 00:49:16,371
Wonderful.

1187
00:49:22,835 --> 00:49:24,921
30 seconds, ladies.

1188
00:49:49,987 --> 00:49:52,365
Am I late?
I thought I was on time.

1189
00:49:52,407 --> 00:49:54,325
There was
a last-minute shoe issue.

1190
00:49:54,367 --> 00:49:55,618
The color was different
in different light,

1191
00:49:55,660 --> 00:49:57,120
so I had to make sure
I was prepared.

1192
00:49:57,161 --> 00:49:58,538
Brought an extra pair,
but they hurt my feet

1193
00:49:58,579 --> 00:49:59,956
and I walk a little funny,
which might be fun

1194
00:49:59,997 --> 00:50:01,499
since I'm a comic, right?
Worked for Chaplin.

1195
00:50:01,541 --> 00:50:02,834
But I didn't think
it added that much time to...

1196
00:50:02,875 --> 00:50:04,836
Yep, I'm late.
Well, la-di-da.

1197
00:50:04,877 --> 00:50:06,921
- It's fine.
- I'm excited.

1198
00:50:06,963 --> 00:50:08,339
The Apollo, right?

1199
00:50:08,381 --> 00:50:10,425
Hey, you read the sign.

1200
00:50:10,466 --> 00:50:13,219
Look, I, uh, have a thing
I need to take care of tonight.

1201
00:50:13,261 --> 00:50:14,679
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.

1202
00:50:14,721 --> 00:50:16,889
It's a bullshit family thing,
but I want it taken care of

1203
00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:19,142
before we go,
so I may have to miss your set.

1204
00:50:19,183 --> 00:50:20,810
It's 'cause I wore
the wrong shoes, right?

1205
00:50:20,852 --> 00:50:22,812
Yes. So if I don't talk
to you before,

1206
00:50:22,854 --> 00:50:24,731
I will meet you at the airport
tomorrow night.

1207
00:50:24,772 --> 00:50:25,982
Okay.

1208
00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:27,233
You're gonna be great.

1209
00:50:27,275 --> 00:50:28,818
There is no other option.

1210
00:50:28,860 --> 00:50:30,403
You bet your ass. Tits up?

1211
00:50:30,445 --> 00:50:32,905
Tits up.

1212
00:50:32,947 --> 00:50:34,824
Don't be late
for the fucking plane.

1213
00:50:34,866 --> 00:50:37,410
I'm never late. Ooh.

1214
00:50:56,220 --> 00:50:57,180
Oh!

1215
00:50:57,221 --> 00:50:59,098
Oh! Oh!

1216
00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:01,058
Oh!

1217
00:51:31,964 --> 00:51:33,758
All right, young man.

1218
00:52:01,536 --> 00:52:03,746
Ah. Good. Eat this.

1219
00:52:03,788 --> 00:52:05,164
- What is it?
- Oatmeal cookie.

1220
00:52:05,206 --> 00:52:07,166
Why do you have
the world's entire supply?

1221
00:52:07,208 --> 00:52:09,252
People make this stuff for Shy
because he goes around saying

1222
00:52:09,293 --> 00:52:10,795
these are his favorite foods.

1223
00:52:10,837 --> 00:52:12,255
They are not his favorite foods.

1224
00:52:12,296 --> 00:52:14,257
In fact, he never even touches
the damn stuff,

1225
00:52:14,298 --> 00:52:15,842
and then I have to...
Thelma!

1226
00:52:15,883 --> 00:52:18,010
Darling, you look wonderful!

1227
00:52:18,052 --> 00:52:20,179
You give these date bars
to Shy, now.

1228
00:52:20,221 --> 00:52:21,848
I will. I will.

1229
00:52:23,307 --> 00:52:25,184
- Eat these.
- Just throw them out.

1230
00:52:25,226 --> 00:52:27,186
You do that, someone sees
and Harlem burns.

1231
00:52:27,228 --> 00:52:28,771
Marla Mae!

1232
00:52:28,813 --> 00:52:31,023
This is my sister's girl, Lorna.

1233
00:52:31,065 --> 00:52:32,441
You make sure she meets Shy.

1234
00:52:32,483 --> 00:52:34,026
You know I will.

1235
00:52:34,068 --> 00:52:36,445
- Just wait over there, sweetheart.
- Okay.

1236
00:52:36,487 --> 00:52:37,572
Appetizers?

1237
00:52:37,613 --> 00:52:38,990
The ladies in the neighborhood

1238
00:52:39,031 --> 00:52:40,783
also want to marry Shy off.

1239
00:52:40,825 --> 00:52:41,909
I'm sorry, am I in temple?

1240
00:52:41,951 --> 00:52:43,035
I'm gonna say hi to Shy.

1241
00:52:43,077 --> 00:52:44,120
Do not bother him too long.

1242
00:52:44,161 --> 00:52:45,121
He has vocalizing to do.

1243
00:52:45,162 --> 00:52:46,539
He cannot be rusty tonight.

1244
00:52:46,581 --> 00:52:48,291
Hometown crowds...
they love you the most,

1245
00:52:48,332 --> 00:52:49,709
but they also give you
the most shit

1246
00:52:49,750 --> 00:52:51,043
when you aren't
on your best game.

1247
00:52:51,085 --> 00:52:53,045
Oh, I know. If I step up
to my butcher counter

1248
00:52:53,087 --> 00:52:54,797
and I haven't decided
four or six lamb chops,

1249
00:52:54,839 --> 00:52:56,215
I get eviscerated.

1250
00:52:56,257 --> 00:52:58,384
I wind up getting cube steak
out of pure intimidation.

1251
00:52:58,426 --> 00:53:00,386
Yeah, it's nothing like that,
but thanks for sharing.

1252
00:53:00,428 --> 00:53:02,013
Hey, have another cookie.

1253
00:53:02,054 --> 00:53:03,639
- Sorry, pal.
- Shit.

1254
00:53:03,681 --> 00:53:06,767
Ella! Are those your meatloaf
sandwiches I see there?

1255
00:53:06,809 --> 00:53:08,978
- Yes.
- Mmm!

1256
00:53:10,938 --> 00:53:13,316
Oh, so that's where you've been
for the last two months.

1257
00:53:13,357 --> 00:53:16,068
Get in here, Little Miss Mouthy!

1258
00:53:16,110 --> 00:53:19,322
Mr. Baldwin,
you look like a million bucks.

1259
00:53:19,363 --> 00:53:21,157
Oh, no,
my price has gone way up.

1260
00:53:21,198 --> 00:53:23,826
Oh.

1261
00:53:23,868 --> 00:53:25,995
Back up, now.
Let me see that dress.

1262
00:53:26,037 --> 00:53:27,580
I thought
I'd go understated today,

1263
00:53:27,622 --> 00:53:28,664
try to blend in.

1264
00:53:28,706 --> 00:53:30,750
In that? Nice try.

1265
00:53:30,791 --> 00:53:32,752
It's so good to see you.

1266
00:53:32,793 --> 00:53:34,003
You, too.

1267
00:53:34,045 --> 00:53:35,338
Get yourself some champagne.

1268
00:53:35,379 --> 00:53:36,422
You want some?

1269
00:53:36,464 --> 00:53:38,716
Not before the show.

1270
00:53:40,718 --> 00:53:43,095
You know, I tried
to call you a few times,

1271
00:53:43,137 --> 00:53:45,514
but you got that housekeeper,
General Patton.

1272
00:53:45,556 --> 00:53:48,017
Yes. You'd think after helping
save the world from Hitler,

1273
00:53:48,059 --> 00:53:49,518
he could get a better gig.

1274
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:51,228
Bet you can bounce a quarter
off your bed

1275
00:53:51,270 --> 00:53:52,480
when he makes it though.

1276
00:53:52,521 --> 00:53:54,315
So, tell me
what you've been up to.

1277
00:53:54,357 --> 00:53:56,651
Well, I've been living
in Queens.

1278
00:53:56,692 --> 00:53:58,277
Doing some radio work.

1279
00:53:58,319 --> 00:54:01,030
Got paid in feminine products
and pancake syrup.

1280
00:54:01,072 --> 00:54:02,365
My nephew had his bris.

1281
00:54:02,406 --> 00:54:03,574
He had his what?

1282
00:54:03,616 --> 00:54:04,659
It's where they cut off
your penis

1283
00:54:04,700 --> 00:54:05,826
and then we all eat deli.

1284
00:54:05,868 --> 00:54:07,828
It's time for both of us
to get back on the road.

1285
00:54:07,870 --> 00:54:09,455
Wow.

1286
00:54:09,497 --> 00:54:10,790
Someone's killing.

1287
00:54:10,831 --> 00:54:12,041
Must be Moms.

1288
00:54:12,083 --> 00:54:14,043
Moms... Mabley?

1289
00:54:14,085 --> 00:54:15,962
Are you serious?

1290
00:54:16,003 --> 00:54:16,963
Where you going?

1291
00:54:17,004 --> 00:54:18,297
Moms Mabley's onstage.

1292
00:54:18,339 --> 00:54:19,465
Shy Baldwin's right here.

1293
00:54:19,507 --> 00:54:20,633
What happened to our reunion?

1294
00:54:20,675 --> 00:54:22,009
Well, you look good,
you feel good,

1295
00:54:22,051 --> 00:54:23,427
you liked my dress.
You need some tea?

1296
00:54:23,469 --> 00:54:24,637
- I got some tea.
- See ya.

1297
00:54:24,679 --> 00:54:26,222
You are a fickle girl.

1298
00:54:26,263 --> 00:54:28,057
I've been called so much worse.

1299
00:54:29,642 --> 00:54:32,228
They even said I was prejudiced.

1300
00:54:32,269 --> 00:54:34,230
I'm not prejudiced.

1301
00:54:34,271 --> 00:54:36,691
I'm not.

1302
00:54:36,732 --> 00:54:39,944
But I don't like no old man.

1303
00:54:39,986 --> 00:54:43,030
I don't give a damn
what color he is.

1304
00:54:43,072 --> 00:54:45,324
Yeah.

1305
00:54:45,366 --> 00:54:48,077
Moms likes 'em young, baby.

1306
00:54:48,119 --> 00:54:50,871
What about it?

1307
00:54:50,913 --> 00:54:53,374
Can't no old man
do nothing for me

1308
00:54:53,416 --> 00:54:56,002
but bring me a message
from a young man.

1309
00:54:57,628 --> 00:55:00,256
That's all he can do.

1310
00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:04,135
I don't want nothing old
but some old money.

1311
00:55:06,137 --> 00:55:08,431
I married an old man

1312
00:55:08,472 --> 00:55:10,933
when I was nothing but a child.

1313
00:55:10,975 --> 00:55:12,810
Nothing but a child.

1314
00:55:12,852 --> 00:55:14,770
15 years old.

1315
00:55:14,812 --> 00:55:18,107
- That ain't right.
- That was the curse back in my day.

1316
00:55:18,149 --> 00:55:22,361
You had to marry who
your parents picked out for you.

1317
00:55:22,403 --> 00:55:25,448
My daddy picked out
this old man,

1318
00:55:25,489 --> 00:55:28,200
old man.

1319
00:55:28,242 --> 00:55:30,870
My daddy liked him.

1320
00:55:30,911 --> 00:55:33,581
My daddy should've married him.

1321
00:55:35,750 --> 00:55:38,127
They say

1322
00:55:38,169 --> 00:55:42,673
you shouldn't say nothing
about the dead unless it's good.

1323
00:55:42,715 --> 00:55:45,342
He's dead.

1324
00:55:45,384 --> 00:55:47,094
That's good.

1325
00:55:50,306 --> 00:55:51,766
One weekend, I say to him,

1326
00:55:51,807 --> 00:55:55,269
I say, "Why don't we go out
to the country?

1327
00:55:55,311 --> 00:55:58,439
You know anything
about the country?"

1328
00:55:58,481 --> 00:56:00,691
- He says...
- "Sure,

1329
00:56:00,733 --> 00:56:02,943
"I-I know about the country.

1330
00:56:02,985 --> 00:56:05,362
"When-when I was a young boy,

1331
00:56:05,404 --> 00:56:08,115
I used to live in the country."

1332
00:56:08,157 --> 00:56:11,118
I said,
"When you was a young boy,

1333
00:56:11,160 --> 00:56:13,788
everybody lived
in the country."

1334
00:56:17,333 --> 00:56:18,793
Geez.

1335
00:56:18,834 --> 00:56:20,961
That's not intimidating at all.

1336
00:56:21,003 --> 00:56:23,297
And she's as sweet as pie,
to boot.

1337
00:56:23,339 --> 00:56:24,715
And thank you, Lord!

1338
00:56:24,757 --> 00:56:28,969
I'm talking to people
who know what I'm talking 'bout.

1339
00:56:39,313 --> 00:56:40,940
The great Moms
Mabley, ladies and gentlemen.

1340
00:56:40,981 --> 00:56:42,358
That's the way it's done.

1341
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,443
I wish you'd told me that
before Dayton.

1342
00:56:44,485 --> 00:56:46,362
Could've saved
a whole bunch of time.

1343
00:56:46,403 --> 00:56:48,197
- Excuse me.
- And now please welcome

1344
00:56:48,239 --> 00:56:50,366
- the Silver Belles.
- Excuse me.

1345
00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:52,451
Go see if there's any
of that Shy food left over.

1346
00:56:52,493 --> 00:56:53,869
I'm starving.

1347
00:56:53,911 --> 00:56:55,704
Excuse me. Moms?

1348
00:56:55,746 --> 00:56:59,291
I mean, Mrs.-Mrs. Moms.
Miss Moms. Moms Mabley. Ma'am.

1349
00:56:59,333 --> 00:57:02,503
I don't know what to call you,
but I am a really big fan.

1350
00:57:02,545 --> 00:57:05,381
Well, a really big fan
might know what to call me.

1351
00:57:05,422 --> 00:57:07,383
I actually saw you in Chicago.

1352
00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:08,968
We only played one night there,
and, technically, I was supposed

1353
00:57:09,009 --> 00:57:10,970
to be at the theater in case
Shy called me back up for a bit,

1354
00:57:11,011 --> 00:57:12,471
which he does sometimes
but not a lot...

1355
00:57:12,513 --> 00:57:14,473
Uh-huh.
Get me a chair, honey.

1356
00:57:14,515 --> 00:57:16,642
I think this is gonna take a while.

1357
00:57:16,684 --> 00:57:18,394
But I snuck out, because you
were playing Mister Kelly's,

1358
00:57:18,435 --> 00:57:19,812
and I'd also never seen
Mister Kelly's.

1359
00:57:19,854 --> 00:57:20,896
So, anyhow, I went.

1360
00:57:20,938 --> 00:57:23,149
You were great then, too.

1361
00:57:23,190 --> 00:57:24,483
What is your name, sweetheart?

1362
00:57:24,525 --> 00:57:26,652
Midge Maisel.
Mrs. Maisel, actually.

1363
00:57:26,694 --> 00:57:28,320
- Tha-That's my stage name.
- Wait a minute,

1364
00:57:28,362 --> 00:57:29,530
you're Mrs. Maisel?

1365
00:57:29,572 --> 00:57:31,490
- Yes.
- Are you kidding me?

1366
00:57:31,532 --> 00:57:33,075
This is the girl opening
for Shy tonight.

1367
00:57:33,117 --> 00:57:34,827
She's the one
that got your spot.

1368
00:57:34,869 --> 00:57:36,745
- I did?
- Yes, you did.

1369
00:57:36,787 --> 00:57:38,247
- Marcus.
- She's Moms Mabley.

1370
00:57:38,289 --> 00:57:40,124
You really think
she should be opening for you?

1371
00:57:40,166 --> 00:57:42,501
She's not opening for me.
I'm opening for Shy.

1372
00:57:42,543 --> 00:57:44,336
You got the prime spot,
Shirley Temple.

1373
00:57:44,378 --> 00:57:45,838
You can't read a program?

1374
00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:47,548
I didn't know
there was a program.

1375
00:57:47,590 --> 00:57:48,549
I'm gonna talk to Shy.

1376
00:57:48,591 --> 00:57:49,550
I'm gonna really talk to Shy.

1377
00:57:49,592 --> 00:57:51,552
- Oh, Marcus, hush now.
- It's not right.

1378
00:57:51,594 --> 00:57:53,304
Who the hell is
this little white girl anyhow?

1379
00:57:53,345 --> 00:57:56,098
Oh, Marcus, you back off now.

1380
00:57:56,140 --> 00:57:58,517
That audience out there is gonna
give her a tough enough time

1381
00:57:58,559 --> 00:58:01,270
without you in her face.

1382
00:58:01,312 --> 00:58:04,273
It was nice meeting you,
Mrs. Maisel.

1383
00:58:04,315 --> 00:58:07,902
Welcome to the Apollo.

1384
00:58:12,489 --> 00:58:14,450
Oh. Good.

1385
00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:16,368
Eat this.

1386
00:58:16,410 --> 00:58:17,661
What's the matter?

1387
00:58:17,703 --> 00:58:19,747
Nothing.
Do you have a program?

1388
00:58:19,788 --> 00:58:22,166
- A what?
- Why am I opening for Shy, Reggie?

1389
00:58:22,208 --> 00:58:23,667
'Cause Shy
ain't gonna open for you.

1390
00:58:23,709 --> 00:58:26,003
Do you think this is
the right crowd for me?

1391
00:58:26,045 --> 00:58:28,422
Well, it's the crowd you got,
so let's hope so.

1392
00:58:28,464 --> 00:58:30,591
I don't know.
I don't know.

1393
00:58:30,633 --> 00:58:32,343
- Midge.
- They loved Moms.

1394
00:58:32,384 --> 00:58:34,261
I shouldn't be on
after Moms Mabley.

1395
00:58:34,303 --> 00:58:35,512
They're gonna hate me for that.

1396
00:58:35,554 --> 00:58:37,181
Oh. You been talking to Marcus?

1397
00:58:37,223 --> 00:58:38,599
He called me a white girl.

1398
00:58:38,641 --> 00:58:40,684
- Wow. Low blow.
- He's right.

1399
00:58:40,726 --> 00:58:42,436
There's royalty
on this stage tonight.

1400
00:58:42,478 --> 00:58:44,438
I'm-I'm not ready for this.
I haven't earned it.

1401
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:46,023
It doesn't matter
if you earned it. It's here.

1402
00:58:46,065 --> 00:58:47,024
You got to do it.

1403
00:58:47,066 --> 00:58:48,192
I'm nervous.

1404
00:58:48,234 --> 00:58:49,443
I'm never nervous,

1405
00:58:49,485 --> 00:58:51,695
but, right now,
I am really, really nervous.

1406
00:58:51,737 --> 00:58:52,863
Where the hell is Susie?

1407
00:58:52,905 --> 00:58:54,365
She had a family thing to do.

1408
00:58:54,406 --> 00:58:55,950
Tonight?

1409
00:58:55,991 --> 00:58:57,368
I shouldn't go out there.

1410
00:58:57,409 --> 00:58:59,036
This is a very important show
for Shy.

1411
00:58:59,078 --> 00:59:00,454
It's a comeback show.

1412
00:59:00,496 --> 00:59:02,706
If I fail, it could look
really bad for him.

1413
00:59:02,748 --> 00:59:03,707
Then don't fail.

1414
00:59:03,749 --> 00:59:05,125
I am gonna fail.

1415
00:59:05,167 --> 00:59:07,378
Now look at me.

1416
00:59:07,419 --> 00:59:09,546
Yes, that's gonna be
a tough crowd.

1417
00:59:09,588 --> 00:59:11,215
They will love you
or they will hate you,

1418
00:59:11,257 --> 00:59:13,259
and they will let you know
their verdict immediately.

1419
00:59:13,300 --> 00:59:15,261
And maybe you should cut back

1420
00:59:15,302 --> 00:59:17,304
on the Jewish brisket talk
a little.

1421
00:59:17,346 --> 00:59:19,306
You know Shy.
They know Shy.

1422
00:59:19,348 --> 00:59:21,183
Get out there
and talk about Shy.

1423
00:59:21,225 --> 00:59:22,935
I'm not following.

1424
00:59:22,977 --> 00:59:24,561
You're great at riffing.
I've seen you do it.

1425
00:59:24,603 --> 00:59:26,563
Shy is like family
to these people.

1426
00:59:26,605 --> 00:59:28,315
They want to hear stories
about him.

1427
00:59:28,357 --> 00:59:30,317
Stories about the road,
late-night craziness,

1428
00:59:30,359 --> 00:59:32,486
gossip, tantrums...
they love that sort of shit.

1429
00:59:32,528 --> 00:59:34,530
You want me to talk
about Shy on the road?

1430
00:59:34,571 --> 00:59:36,532
- Yep.
- Shy.

1431
00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:39,034
Yes. It's not something
you should do anywhere else,

1432
00:59:39,076 --> 00:59:41,036
but here, in Harlem,
his hometown,

1433
00:59:41,078 --> 00:59:42,705
they'll eat it up.

1434
00:59:42,746 --> 00:59:43,831
You calm now?

1435
00:59:43,872 --> 00:59:45,124
- No.
- Good.

1436
00:59:45,165 --> 00:59:47,835
- You're gonna be fine.
- Thank you, Reggie.

1437
00:59:47,876 --> 00:59:50,296
You really want to thank me?

1438
00:59:52,506 --> 00:59:53,757
Ladies and gentlemen,

1439
00:59:53,799 --> 00:59:54,925
welcome to the stage,

1440
00:59:54,967 --> 00:59:56,844
her first time at the Apollo,

1441
00:59:56,885 --> 00:59:58,679
Mrs. Maisel.

1442
00:59:58,721 --> 01:00:01,307
Tits up.

1443
01:00:06,603 --> 01:00:08,564
Oh, no.

1444
01:00:22,911 --> 01:00:24,538
Whoa.

1445
01:00:24,580 --> 01:00:26,915
You all look like
you've just seen a ghost.

1446
01:00:32,046 --> 01:00:34,631
Yes. Yes, I know.

1447
01:00:34,673 --> 01:00:36,592
After this,
I'm heading to LaGuardia

1448
01:00:36,633 --> 01:00:38,218
to help land some planes.

1449
01:00:39,511 --> 01:00:41,597
Now, before we get any further,

1450
01:00:41,638 --> 01:00:43,349
- who made this?
- I made that!

1451
01:00:43,390 --> 01:00:44,391
Me.

1452
01:00:44,433 --> 01:00:45,726
It looks like mine.

1453
01:00:45,768 --> 01:00:46,977
Mmm.

1454
01:00:47,019 --> 01:00:49,063
Unbelievable.

1455
01:00:49,104 --> 01:00:51,899
- Fried in oil? Ah.
- Lard!

1456
01:00:51,940 --> 01:00:53,275
You ever use schmaltz?

1457
01:00:53,317 --> 01:00:55,277
Same heart attack,
different afterlife.

1458
01:00:56,320 --> 01:00:57,363
Mmm.

1459
01:00:57,404 --> 01:00:59,365
So...

1460
01:00:59,406 --> 01:01:00,908
Shy Baldwin.

1461
01:01:04,036 --> 01:01:05,788
Oh! You've heard of him.

1462
01:01:05,829 --> 01:01:08,499
He's pretty great, huh?

1463
01:01:08,540 --> 01:01:10,125
You know where we met?

1464
01:01:10,167 --> 01:01:11,585
In the ladies' room.

1465
01:01:11,627 --> 01:01:13,337
No, seriously, we did.

1466
01:01:13,379 --> 01:01:15,047
At a charity event.
I mean, picture it.

1467
01:01:15,089 --> 01:01:18,092
This pretty, dainty,
elegant thing,

1468
01:01:18,133 --> 01:01:19,426
primping in the mirror,

1469
01:01:19,468 --> 01:01:21,512
and there I was,
right next to him.

1470
01:01:21,553 --> 01:01:23,222
Ooh!

1471
01:01:23,263 --> 01:01:25,766
How do you compete
with those cheekbones?

1472
01:01:25,808 --> 01:01:28,352
Those Ava Gardner cheekbones.

1473
01:01:28,394 --> 01:01:30,229
The man is so gorgeous

1474
01:01:30,270 --> 01:01:32,439
that Arthur Miller's
sniffing around him.

1475
01:01:32,481 --> 01:01:34,316
He's the only person I know

1476
01:01:34,358 --> 01:01:37,236
gorgeous enough to play
Romeo and Juliet.

1477
01:01:40,155 --> 01:01:42,116
So I've been hanging out
with Shy on tour,

1478
01:01:42,157 --> 01:01:46,078
and I discovered that
all he has to do is sing.

1479
01:01:46,120 --> 01:01:47,996
He has a guy
for everything else.

1480
01:01:48,038 --> 01:01:49,081
Well...

1481
01:01:49,123 --> 01:01:51,083
just about everything else.

1482
01:01:51,125 --> 01:01:54,169
No, he pretty much has a guy
for everything else.

1483
01:01:54,211 --> 01:01:55,629
You see 'em on the road,

1484
01:01:55,671 --> 01:01:57,965
his guys, falling over
themselves outside his door.

1485
01:01:58,006 --> 01:02:00,426
"Whatever you need, Shy."
"Let me tuck you in, Shy."

1486
01:02:00,467 --> 01:02:02,302
"Let me get that makeup
off your collar, Shy."

1487
01:02:02,344 --> 01:02:05,305
Don't be scandalized, it's his.

1488
01:02:06,765 --> 01:02:09,393
We were on the road a while,
and coming back to New York,

1489
01:02:09,435 --> 01:02:12,020
I was a half a day
on a plane, a train,

1490
01:02:12,062 --> 01:02:14,022
a bus, a cab, a rickshaw.

1491
01:02:14,064 --> 01:02:16,733
Shy comes home,
he doesn't need a plane.

1492
01:02:16,775 --> 01:02:17,985
He doesn't need a train.

1493
01:02:18,026 --> 01:02:20,696
He just puts on
his Judy Garland shoes,

1494
01:02:20,737 --> 01:02:22,781
clicks his heels together
three times and says,

1495
01:02:22,823 --> 01:02:25,659
"There's no place like Harlem.
There's no place like Harlem."

1496
01:02:32,708 --> 01:02:34,710
And his closet?

1497
01:02:34,751 --> 01:02:36,962
It's enormous.

1498
01:02:37,004 --> 01:02:38,881
It has a doorbell.

1499
01:02:38,922 --> 01:02:41,967
I went in there once,
at a party. Amazing.

1500
01:02:42,009 --> 01:02:44,720
With the silks and the satins,
the chiffons,

1501
01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:47,055
the chenilles...
these aren't girl groups,

1502
01:02:47,097 --> 01:02:48,974
these are his clothes.

1503
01:02:50,476 --> 01:02:51,727
Hey.

1504
01:02:51,768 --> 01:02:53,270
Who made this?

1505
01:02:53,312 --> 01:02:54,980
Mm, yeah.

1506
01:02:55,022 --> 01:02:58,025
I-I'm not actually a comedian,
I just came here to eat.

1507
01:02:58,066 --> 01:03:01,028
Mm-hmm.

1508
01:03:02,070 --> 01:03:05,199
Shy takes Cleopatra milk baths!

1509
01:03:05,240 --> 01:03:07,784
Actually,
I have no idea if that's true,

1510
01:03:07,826 --> 01:03:10,954
but it feels true, right?

1511
01:03:18,420 --> 01:03:21,423
Boy, it went up a lot
faster than I thought it would.

1512
01:03:21,465 --> 01:03:24,051
60 years of
Southern Comfort in that floor

1513
01:03:24,092 --> 01:03:27,095
probably sped up the process.

1514
01:03:27,137 --> 01:03:29,515
It's almost beautiful
like this, isn't it?

1515
01:03:29,556 --> 01:03:31,183
- No.
- Yeah.

1516
01:03:32,726 --> 01:03:34,353
So...

1517
01:03:34,394 --> 01:03:36,813
this gonna get you
out of your hole?

1518
01:03:36,855 --> 01:03:38,524
Well... the insurance will cover

1519
01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:40,692
Midge's portion
of the money I lost.

1520
01:03:40,734 --> 01:03:43,153
- That's what's important.
- What about you?

1521
01:03:43,195 --> 01:03:45,030
I don't need much.

1522
01:03:45,072 --> 01:03:46,990
Hey, Tess...

1523
01:03:47,032 --> 01:03:49,243
thanks for committing
a felony with me.

1524
01:03:49,284 --> 01:03:50,827
Thanks for making sure

1525
01:03:50,869 --> 01:03:53,455
I never have to sleep
in that house again.

1526
01:03:53,497 --> 01:03:55,040
Though I still wish
you would have waited

1527
01:03:55,082 --> 01:03:56,833
till Skint was in there
to light it up.

1528
01:03:56,875 --> 01:03:58,835
It was tempting, I got to admit.

1529
01:03:58,877 --> 01:04:00,587
You know,
you can just leave him.

1530
01:04:00,629 --> 01:04:02,631
Setting him on fire
would have been easier.

1531
01:04:02,673 --> 01:04:04,174
You got to do something, Tess.

1532
01:04:04,216 --> 01:04:06,718
You shouldn't be miserable
forever.

1533
01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:08,262
Yeah.

1534
01:04:08,303 --> 01:04:10,806
Well...

1535
01:04:10,847 --> 01:04:11,974
bye, Mom.

1536
01:04:12,015 --> 01:04:13,892
Hope it's better where you are.

1537
01:04:16,895 --> 01:04:19,815
Hey, where is she,
by the way? Mortuary, or...?

1538
01:04:19,856 --> 01:04:22,192
Shit. I forgot to ask.

1539
01:04:22,234 --> 01:04:24,319
I'll call tomorrow.

1540
01:04:24,361 --> 01:04:26,697
I think that's how she
would have wanted it.

1541
01:04:26,738 --> 01:04:29,491
She's gone,
and we have no idea where.

1542
01:04:29,533 --> 01:04:31,201
Hmm.

1543
01:04:39,626 --> 01:04:41,670
Hold on, my mouth is full.

1544
01:04:41,712 --> 01:04:44,047
Oh, now you're just adding

1545
01:04:44,089 --> 01:04:45,716
your own punch lines.

1546
01:04:47,384 --> 01:04:50,053
Well, this has been
the biggest honor of my life.

1547
01:04:50,095 --> 01:04:53,390
To stand here at the Apollo
and eat on the same stage

1548
01:04:53,432 --> 01:04:56,935
that Moms Mabley killed on
just moments ago.

1549
01:04:58,186 --> 01:05:00,647
Thank you, Shy Baldwin.

1550
01:05:00,689 --> 01:05:02,941
And speaking of Shy Baldwin...

1551
01:05:05,193 --> 01:05:07,487
He clearly doesn't need
an introduction,

1552
01:05:07,529 --> 01:05:09,448
but here it is anyhow.

1553
01:05:09,489 --> 01:05:11,575
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only,

1554
01:05:11,617 --> 01:05:14,870
the fabulous Shy Baldwin!

1555
01:07:37,429 --> 01:07:39,389
I have to tell you, Mrs.
Maisel,

1556
01:07:39,431 --> 01:07:42,017
the staff is really excited
about your moving back in.

1557
01:07:42,058 --> 01:07:44,978
- We've missed you.
- I've missed you, too, Antonio.

1558
01:07:45,020 --> 01:07:47,439
Now, technically,
I'm not supposed to let you in

1559
01:07:47,481 --> 01:07:50,150
until the first of the month,
but it's you, so...

1560
01:07:50,192 --> 01:07:51,568
It's our secret. I promise.

1561
01:07:51,610 --> 01:07:53,487
Okay. Well,
I'll leave you to it.

1562
01:07:53,528 --> 01:07:55,071
Uh, take your time.

1563
01:07:55,113 --> 01:07:57,491
I'll come back and lock up
when you're done.

1564
01:07:57,532 --> 01:07:59,034
Bye, Antonio.

1565
01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:39,407
Welcome home.

1566
01:08:52,337 --> 01:08:54,047
Take the big trunks first!

1567
01:08:54,089 --> 01:08:55,799
Those go on the bottom!

1568
01:08:55,841 --> 01:08:58,093
Is my hatbox down there?

1569
01:08:58,134 --> 01:09:00,595
- Which hatbox?
- The hatbox with the yellow hat.

1570
01:09:00,637 --> 01:09:02,556
- Which yellow hat?
- Off the lawn!

1571
01:09:02,597 --> 01:09:05,141
Do not walk on the lawn!
That's new lawn!

1572
01:09:05,183 --> 01:09:07,352
Miriam!
You have two meters running.

1573
01:09:07,394 --> 01:09:08,895
Two meters!

1574
01:09:08,937 --> 01:09:10,397
Do not walk on the plants!

1575
01:09:10,438 --> 01:09:12,566
Do not under any circumstances
touch that tree.

1576
01:09:12,607 --> 01:09:15,110
I've been putting boxes
in the car for an hour,

1577
01:09:15,151 --> 01:09:16,653
and it's not getting
any smaller.

1578
01:09:16,695 --> 01:09:18,113
It's nice to have a soundtrack.

1579
01:09:18,154 --> 01:09:20,156
I can't find the yellow hat!

1580
01:09:20,198 --> 01:09:21,658
Abe, answer the phone.

1581
01:09:21,700 --> 01:09:24,703
Why am I always answering
the phone in this house?

1582
01:09:24,744 --> 01:09:27,038
- It's not my house.
- I found the yellow hat,

1583
01:09:27,080 --> 01:09:28,373
- but I need another hatbox.
- Take these.

1584
01:09:28,415 --> 01:09:29,958
I can say with certain authority

1585
01:09:30,000 --> 01:09:31,293
you do not need another hatbox.

1586
01:09:31,334 --> 01:09:34,129
- Take my hatbox!
- Mama, can I take your hatbox?

1587
01:09:34,170 --> 01:09:36,381
- Am I still answering the phone?
- Yes.

1588
01:09:36,423 --> 01:09:39,217
- Yes! -Two cabs, two meters.
- Hello?

1589
01:09:39,259 --> 01:09:41,094
- Two horns honking. -You're from where?
The Village what?

1590
01:09:41,136 --> 01:09:42,637
- I'll take care of the honking.
- I can't hear you.

1591
01:09:42,679 --> 01:09:45,932
I live in a lunatic asylum.
I'll take this in the kitchen.

1592
01:09:45,974 --> 01:09:48,643
- I'll take it in the kitchen!
- Okay, I'm ready.

1593
01:09:48,685 --> 01:09:50,729
- She's coming!
- I want to say goodbye to the kids.

1594
01:09:50,770 --> 01:09:51,980
You already said goodbye
to the kids.

1595
01:09:52,022 --> 01:09:53,440
That was just the first goodbye.

1596
01:09:53,481 --> 01:09:55,025
Ethan went to play with the
little boy across the street.

1597
01:09:55,066 --> 01:09:56,776
Why'd you let him do that?
I wanted to say goodbye.

1598
01:09:56,818 --> 01:09:58,153
- You already said goodbye.
- Mama.

1599
01:09:58,194 --> 01:10:00,238
We put all the trunks
in the car except one.

1600
01:10:00,280 --> 01:10:04,534
How important is the one
labeled "bows"?

1601
01:10:04,576 --> 01:10:06,411
Back to square one, Charlie!

1602
01:10:06,453 --> 01:10:07,913
Where the hell are you?!

1603
01:10:07,954 --> 01:10:09,664
- They're gonna turn the meters back on.
- No, they're not.

1604
01:10:09,706 --> 01:10:11,333
I want to say goodbye
to the kids.

1605
01:10:11,374 --> 01:10:13,627
Ethan, Mommy's leaving!

1606
01:10:13,668 --> 01:10:15,128
Well, you'll never get him
that way.

1607
01:10:15,170 --> 01:10:18,757
Ethan!
Get your butt back here now!

1608
01:10:18,798 --> 01:10:19,883
- Mommy's leaving.
- Shut up!

1609
01:10:19,925 --> 01:10:21,468
I miss all the new words.

1610
01:10:21,509 --> 01:10:23,261
Say a new word for Mommy.
Say "kitty."

1611
01:10:23,303 --> 01:10:25,096
- She can't say kitty.
- Say "doggy."

1612
01:10:25,138 --> 01:10:26,848
- She can't say doggy.
- Say something, kid.

1613
01:10:26,890 --> 01:10:28,516
- You'll give her a complex.
- Me?

1614
01:10:28,558 --> 01:10:30,310
You're the one who
has her doing leg lifts.

1615
01:10:30,352 --> 01:10:32,479
- That was someone from
The Village Voice. -What?

1616
01:10:32,520 --> 01:10:34,272
- It's a newspaper.
- We don't need a subscription.

1617
01:10:34,314 --> 01:10:36,066
- They were not selling subscriptions.
- Come on, Esther, one new word.

1618
01:10:36,107 --> 01:10:38,568
- One new word for Mommy. -He wants
me to be their theater critic.

1619
01:10:38,610 --> 01:10:40,028
- You can't demand a word.
It doesn't work like that. - "Ball."

1620
01:10:40,070 --> 01:10:41,404
- Wh-What did you say?
- "Door."

1621
01:10:41,446 --> 01:10:43,114
- They want me to be their
theater critic. - "Hat."

1622
01:10:43,156 --> 01:10:44,324
- I have to go talk to them right now.
- "Bell."

1623
01:10:44,366 --> 01:10:45,742
I found Ethan!

1624
01:10:45,784 --> 01:10:47,577
"Martini, extra dry."

1625
01:10:47,619 --> 01:10:50,497
Get out here, say goodbye,
and get in the cab.

1626
01:10:50,538 --> 01:10:51,790
I give up.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.

1627
01:10:51,831 --> 01:10:53,208
I'll call you when I get there.

1628
01:10:53,249 --> 01:10:55,627
- I'll call when I get there.
- They want you to do what?

1629
01:10:55,669 --> 01:10:58,046
Miriam!
Call when you get there.

1630
01:10:58,088 --> 01:11:00,715
Abe, did you say theater critic?

1631
01:11:16,690 --> 01:11:18,274
You're kidding. Two cabs?

1632
01:11:18,316 --> 01:11:19,818
Seems like more than it is.

1633
01:11:19,859 --> 01:11:21,611
How? Is the third cab invisible?

1634
01:11:21,653 --> 01:11:23,905
I'm so excited.

1635
01:11:23,947 --> 01:11:25,991
Why does your hat smell
like a barbecue?

1636
01:11:26,032 --> 01:11:27,200
Is this all your luggage?

1637
01:11:27,242 --> 01:11:29,911
Yeah. We may need
a second plane.

1638
01:11:29,953 --> 01:11:31,830
- Hold on a second.
- Hey, Reggie.

1639
01:11:31,871 --> 01:11:34,124
- So the second cab's a joke.
- It's not a joke.

1640
01:11:34,165 --> 01:11:35,750
It's a hilarious fuckin' joke.

1641
01:11:35,792 --> 01:11:37,043
There's been a change of plans.

1642
01:11:37,085 --> 01:11:38,586
You two are not
getting on the plane.

1643
01:11:38,628 --> 01:11:40,088
Seriously, she can leave
half the shit here.

1644
01:11:40,130 --> 01:11:41,506
I cannot leave it here.

1645
01:11:41,548 --> 01:11:43,049
It has nothing to do
with the luggage.

1646
01:11:43,091 --> 01:11:44,926
You're not going on tour.

1647
01:11:44,968 --> 01:11:47,137
What? Why not?

1648
01:11:47,178 --> 01:11:49,264
- Shy changed his mind.
- What do you mean?

1649
01:11:49,305 --> 01:11:51,224
He doesn't want you
to open for him anymore.

1650
01:11:51,266 --> 01:11:53,852
But... I-I don't understand.

1651
01:11:53,893 --> 01:11:55,895
- We just got a new contract.
- Contract is void.

1652
01:11:55,937 --> 01:11:58,648
- What does that mean?
- You didn't sign it. It's void.

1653
01:11:58,690 --> 01:12:00,775
Shy dropped me because
I didn't sign the contract?

1654
01:12:00,817 --> 01:12:03,611
- I was gonna sign the contract.
- It has nothing to do with the contract.

1655
01:12:03,653 --> 01:12:04,821
Then why?

1656
01:12:04,863 --> 01:12:06,865
Your act last night.

1657
01:12:06,906 --> 01:12:08,950
My act last night went great.

1658
01:12:08,992 --> 01:12:10,493
It's what you said in your act.

1659
01:12:10,535 --> 01:12:12,037
What did you say in your act?

1660
01:12:12,078 --> 01:12:13,288
I talked about Shy.

1661
01:12:13,329 --> 01:12:14,539
You said a lot about Shy.

1662
01:12:14,581 --> 01:12:16,833
- You told me to do that.
- Personal shit.

1663
01:12:16,875 --> 01:12:18,460
What kind of personal shit?

1664
01:12:18,501 --> 01:12:20,628
Reggie, you said go out there
and talk about Shy.

1665
01:12:20,670 --> 01:12:23,381
- I know. -You said he was their
family, that they knew all about him.

1666
01:12:23,423 --> 01:12:28,219
I know. But I didn't know that
 you knew all about him.

1667
01:12:28,261 --> 01:12:29,471
Knew what about him?

1668
01:12:29,512 --> 01:12:31,056
Why's everyone talking in code?

1669
01:12:31,097 --> 01:12:32,474
I made some jokes.

1670
01:12:32,515 --> 01:12:34,017
Some jokes that hit
too close to home.

1671
01:12:34,059 --> 01:12:35,185
But I-I didn't hit home.

1672
01:12:35,226 --> 01:12:37,020
I was at least two houses down.

1673
01:12:37,062 --> 01:12:39,481
Shy knew what you were saying.
That's all that mattered.

1674
01:12:39,522 --> 01:12:40,774
- What did you say about Shy?
- Reggie,

1675
01:12:40,815 --> 01:12:42,358
I thought I was doing
what you told me to do.

1676
01:12:42,400 --> 01:12:44,694
- Please, just let me talk to Shy.
- No.

1677
01:12:44,736 --> 01:12:46,112
I have to tell him this was
a big misunderstanding.

1678
01:12:46,154 --> 01:12:48,114
- He doesn't want to talk to you.
- Then you tell him.

1679
01:12:48,156 --> 01:12:49,991
Tell him you told me to
go out there and do that.

1680
01:12:50,033 --> 01:12:51,326
I am not gonna do that.

1681
01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:54,537
- Why not?
- Midge, Shy is my boy.

1682
01:12:54,579 --> 01:12:56,706
I'm supposed to protect him.

1683
01:12:56,748 --> 01:12:58,833
I'm not gonna tell him
I sent some girl up there

1684
01:12:58,875 --> 01:13:01,836
to tell the world that he's...
what he is.

1685
01:13:01,878 --> 01:13:04,339
- What is he?!
- Please, they were jokes.

1686
01:13:04,380 --> 01:13:07,258
"Judy Garland shoes"?

1687
01:13:07,300 --> 01:13:09,344
Oh.

1688
01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:11,429
Oh... shit!

1689
01:13:11,471 --> 01:13:12,931
Reggie, this can't happen.

1690
01:13:12,972 --> 01:13:15,225
I mean, me and Shy,
we're friends.

1691
01:13:15,266 --> 01:13:17,644
You are not friends.

1692
01:13:17,685 --> 01:13:21,731
You were on tour together,
and now you're not.

1693
01:13:21,773 --> 01:13:24,984
- Susie.
- Hey, Reggie, please.

1694
01:13:25,026 --> 01:13:26,861
This was obviously
a big-ass breach here,

1695
01:13:26,903 --> 01:13:28,530
but there's gotta be
something we can do.

1696
01:13:28,571 --> 01:13:30,198
Anything.
I don't care what it is.

1697
01:13:30,240 --> 01:13:31,741
I mean, we'll cut our rate.

1698
01:13:31,783 --> 01:13:33,034
We'll do the Christmas show
for nothing.

1699
01:13:33,076 --> 01:13:34,661
I will iron your fuckin'
jockey shorts.

1700
01:13:34,702 --> 01:13:37,664
- Just please, please don't do this.
- I'm sorry.

1701
01:13:37,705 --> 01:13:40,250
Fuck sorry. Come on!

1702
01:13:42,377 --> 01:13:45,004
Susie, you're gonna be

1703
01:13:45,046 --> 01:13:48,258
right where I am someday.

1704
01:13:48,299 --> 01:13:49,342
You'll see.

1705
01:13:59,811 --> 01:14:02,564
Susie?

1706
01:14:04,607 --> 01:14:07,193
It's okay.

1707
01:14:07,235 --> 01:14:09,362
We're gonna be okay.