1
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,218
So, you want to be a secretary
for a talent manager.
2
00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:11,762
- Yes. Very much.
- Great.
3
00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:14,765
You're up.
4
00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:16,726
- Excuse me?
- Go ahead. I'm all ears.
5
00:00:16,809 --> 00:00:19,729
Oh. Well,
what would you like to know?
6
00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,732
Give me a minute.
7
00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:32,450
Do you have a natural flair
for meticulous organization?
8
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:33,868
I'd say yes. Yes, I do.
9
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,953
Great.
10
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,916
You excuse me again?
11
00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:49,800
Can you always be depended upon
to do what you say you'll do?
12
00:00:49,884 --> 00:00:52,052
- Yes, certainly.
- Fantastic. [chuckles softly]
13
00:00:54,096 --> 00:00:55,848
Perhaps you'd like
to see my résumé?
14
00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:58,476
Excellent, yes,
let's take a gander.
15
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,478
Three pages, huh?
16
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:01,645
- Mm-hmm.
- [snorts]
17
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:04,064
Come on. Some of this is
bullshit, right?
18
00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,483
Then I went
to Brooklyn College,
19
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,002
where I got my B.A.
in English literature.
20
00:01:07,026 --> 00:01:08,611
Very good.
21
00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:11,530
And... why do you want
to work here?
22
00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:13,534
Many reasons. But first
and foremost, I'm excited
23
00:01:13,616 --> 00:01:15,427
to get in on the ground floor
of a growing business.
24
00:01:15,451 --> 00:01:16,911
Growing business.
25
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:19,914
Okay, that's putting
a shit-ton of pressure on me.
26
00:01:19,997 --> 00:01:22,082
Do you have any questions
you'd like to ask me?
27
00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:24,627
Um, what will
a typical workday look like?
28
00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:28,088
Will you excuse me a minute?
29
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,650
Every one of these broads,
they can type,
30
00:01:30,674 --> 00:01:33,844
they graduated from someplace,
they sit nice.
31
00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:36,388
I got this book with questions
to ask. It's no fucking help.
32
00:01:36,472 --> 00:01:37,973
All the girls give
the same answer,
33
00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:39,993
because they all probably got
a fucking book, too.
34
00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:41,393
You ever hire anybody?
35
00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:42,788
- Sure, lots of people.
- Well, what kind of stuff
36
00:01:42,812 --> 00:01:44,080
do you ask,
so you know who to pick?
37
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,940
That depends.
You got to tailor the questions
38
00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,107
to the specific job.
39
00:01:47,191 --> 00:01:48,400
Yeah. How, Fred? How?
40
00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:50,402
Well, when I hired a guy
to paint my apartment,
41
00:01:50,486 --> 00:01:52,655
- I asked if he had a ten-foot ladder.
- Okay.
42
00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:54,949
But I didn't ask that
when I hired my tax guy
43
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:57,201
or the girl to get my brother
laid after his divorce.
44
00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:58,869
You don't need a ladder
for those jobs.
45
00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:01,497
Fred, did you ever hire anybody
at William Morris
46
00:02:01,580 --> 00:02:03,916
in a professional,
show-business capacity?
47
00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:05,000
Not per se.
48
00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:06,252
- I'm hanging up.
- Wait.
49
00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:08,546
You should definitely see
how the person chews.
50
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,172
- What?
- I'm serious.
51
00:02:10,256 --> 00:02:12,192
You're going to be in
close quarters with this girl,
52
00:02:12,216 --> 00:02:15,052
with snacks and whatnot,
munching and crunching,
53
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:16,262
day in, day out.
54
00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:19,014
If they chew loud,
you're doomed.
55
00:02:19,098 --> 00:02:21,201
My shorthand is excellent,
and I type 70 words per minute.
56
00:02:21,225 --> 00:02:23,185
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm friendly but I'm firm.
57
00:02:23,269 --> 00:02:25,229
Your time is precious,
and I'll be the gatekeeper.
58
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,273
There will be
no unwarranted interruptions.
59
00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:28,899
Yes, that is all
very interesting.
60
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:30,359
Very interesting.
61
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,319
Hey, you hungry?
62
00:02:32,403 --> 00:02:34,673
- Uh, no, not really.
- 'Cause I was about to eat this, but now...
63
00:02:34,697 --> 00:02:35,865
why don't you have it?
64
00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:37,449
Thank you, no, I just had lunch.
65
00:02:37,533 --> 00:02:38,969
I'll cut it up for you.
I got a pocketknife.
66
00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:40,273
That's very nice,
but really, no.
67
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:41,647
Oh, come on,
it's nice and crispy.
68
00:02:41,704 --> 00:02:43,184
To be honest,
I'm actually allergic...
69
00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:44,748
Eat the fucking apple!
70
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:46,458
♪ ♪
71
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,472
[frustrated grunt]
72
00:03:09,273 --> 00:03:10,983
- Papa, are you up?
- Who is it?
73
00:03:11,066 --> 00:03:12,318
It's me, Abe.
74
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,153
- It's not you.
- [knocking]
75
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:17,698
- Stop that, please.
- It's not me.
76
00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:19,074
Did I wake you?
77
00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:20,951
Sorry,
I figured you'd be reading.
78
00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:22,953
Your mother made me
turn out my light.
79
00:03:23,037 --> 00:03:24,371
Now, what is it?
80
00:03:24,455 --> 00:03:26,457
I need some help,
but I'll ask you tomorrow.
81
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,083
No, it's fine.
I was just lying there
82
00:03:28,167 --> 00:03:30,127
thinking about how she made me
turn out my light.
83
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,171
I just can't get my checkbook
to balance,
84
00:03:32,254 --> 00:03:34,423
- and it's driving me crazy.
- What's going on?
85
00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:36,226
Nothing. Miriam can't balance
her checkbook.
86
00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:38,135
Why on earth
would you have her doing that
87
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,572
- in the middle of the night, Abe?
- I live in a Dr. Seuss book.
88
00:03:40,596 --> 00:03:42,356
I'm sorry I got you up.
Back to bed, you two.
89
00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,492
- Night night.
- I can't sleep when your father's just lying there
90
00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,436
thinking about how I made him
turn out the light.
91
00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:48,747
- Then let me turn on my light.
- Fine, I'll sleep on the couch.
92
00:03:48,771 --> 00:03:51,148
Do not sleep on the couch.
It wears out the cushions faster
93
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:55,319
- than just everyday sitting.
- Then I'm going back to bed.
94
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:57,279
[sighs] Where's the checkbook?
95
00:03:57,363 --> 00:03:58,822
In the kitchen.
96
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,866
It's been weeks.
You have to stop fighting.
97
00:04:00,950 --> 00:04:02,826
Who's fighting?
I'm simply recalibrating
98
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,912
my entire relationship
with your mother
99
00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:07,195
based on information she
previously chose to keep secret
100
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,582
for 35 years.
101
00:04:08,666 --> 00:04:11,210
Okay. Could you stop that, then?
102
00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:13,212
It comes out different
every time.
103
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:15,673
- Always terrible but never the same.
- Ugh.
104
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,133
What's this?
105
00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:20,177
Is it better if it's a one
or a seven?
106
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,054
It's less bad if it's a seven.
107
00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:23,722
Call it a seven.
108
00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:25,766
And this is
what you're getting paid
109
00:04:25,849 --> 00:04:27,893
for selling
all that Tupperware?
110
00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:30,270
It's no way to get rich,
but I did win an aquarium.
111
00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:33,065
Which has been surprisingly
expensive to maintain.
112
00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:36,276
I sold the most pastel
Wonderliers in my region.
113
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,446
- Mm-hmm.
- I also won those toasters and a salad spinner.
114
00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:41,370
And surely you've seen
the two large dalmatians
115
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:42,866
in our living room.
116
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:46,996
Do you think Joel could try
to contribute a little more?
117
00:04:47,079 --> 00:04:49,456
He's doing
everything he can, Papa.
118
00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:50,708
[sighs] Well...
119
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,627
There's your balance.
120
00:04:53,711 --> 00:04:56,046
Uh, that's if the number was
a seven.
121
00:04:56,130 --> 00:04:58,632
And that's if it was a one.
122
00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:01,218
I think even Ethan
could have helped you.
123
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:05,055
Thanks, Papa. Really.
124
00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:07,725
Could I bring my book in here
and read?
125
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,476
Sure.
126
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,104
I'll forgive your mother
in the morning.
127
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:14,982
For God's sake, the woman owns
a Chanel sleep mask.
128
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,321
[phone ringing]
129
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:25,409
[ringing continues]
130
00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:31,290
Looks like it's gonna be
four debates.
131
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:32,708
Kennedy-Nixon?
132
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,251
- He's such a creep.
- Which one?
133
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,295
Nixon. Mei.
134
00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:37,629
They both have skeletons.
135
00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:38,857
You are not voting for Nixon.
136
00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,507
I am not voting for Nixon.
137
00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:41,884
He looks like he eats children.
138
00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:43,153
- [ringing continues]
- Thank you.
139
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:44,386
- [knocking]
- Ethan wants
140
00:05:44,470 --> 00:05:46,221
one of these
Etch A Sketch things,
141
00:05:46,305 --> 00:05:48,682
but they're $2.99, and he'll
break it in, like, a day.
142
00:05:48,766 --> 00:05:50,243
- [knocking]
- What's an Etch A Sketch?
143
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:51,995
- [doorbell buzzing]
- You draw on the screen with the knobs,
144
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,897
- then you shake it, and the picture erases.
- What's the point of that?
145
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:57,608
- [ringing, knocking, buzzing]
- To teach kids that nothing lasts.
146
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:58,942
- Joel!
- What?
147
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,611
You're not even gonna answer
the door?
148
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,071
- Nah.
- Come on!
149
00:06:02,154 --> 00:06:03,697
- [buzzing]
- We discussed this.
150
00:06:03,781 --> 00:06:05,574
It could be another one
of Ma's girls.
151
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:08,660
- If I open it, I'm as good as engaged.
- It could be a delivery.
152
00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:10,096
- They'll leave it.
- Someone could steal it.
153
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,288
- [knocking]
- Nothing lasts.
154
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,289
What do you do at the club?
155
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,457
- Shh.
- Why?
156
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,084
In case they're listening
at the door.
157
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:17,294
If the phone rings at the club,
you have to answer it.
158
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,338
People want to come in,
you have to let them in.
159
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:21,423
There's a protocol for women
of childbearing age.
160
00:06:21,507 --> 00:06:23,667
If they want to talk to me,
Mrs. Moskowitz screens them
161
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,219
with a series
of discreet questions.
162
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:27,221
- Oh, my God.
- The system's worked for weeks.
163
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,264
- Why question it now?
- Because it's demented.
164
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,891
- [phone ringing]
- Because it's...
165
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,601
Aah! I'll do it!
166
00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:34,269
- Do what?
- I'll meet your parents.
167
00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:35,479
Just answer the phone!
168
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,940
- No. We can wait my mother out.
- We can't.
169
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:40,359
We can. She's getting older.
She has limited wind.
170
00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:41,860
We need our lives back, Joel.
171
00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:43,904
- My life is fine.
- Well, mine isn't.
172
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:45,489
This is dumb.
I mean, you said it.
173
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:48,033
- [phone ringing]
- We're in a... a...
174
00:06:48,117 --> 00:06:49,868
Relationship.
175
00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:51,245
Yes. That. Sure.
176
00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:52,663
They have to know.
177
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:55,749
Make a date. End the madness.
178
00:06:55,833 --> 00:06:56,917
I'll just move again.
179
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,752
A moving target
will confuse her.
180
00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:00,629
- [hangs up phone]
- [ringing stops]
181
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,092
Set it up. Today.
182
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,136
I'll be at the movies.
183
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,099
Just in case.
184
00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:15,018
[elevator bell dings]
185
00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:20,232
Susie? Oh. Sorry.
186
00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,109
I just need to talk to you
when you're done.
187
00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,962
- No, now's a good time.
- Should I wait outside?
188
00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,529
Nah. You ain't getting the job.
189
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:27,865
- Oh. Okay, thank you.
- No. Thank you.
190
00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:31,660
- What's with your phone?
- Nothing. Why?
191
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,705
- I've been calling all morning.
All you get is a busy signal. - Shit.
192
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,915
You need a secretary.
193
00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:38,083
What do you think that was?
194
00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:39,877
[grunts] What's up?
195
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,587
- This.
- What is that?
196
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:45,382
This is my invitation
to Shy Baldwin's wedding.
197
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:46,967
Why the fuck
would you be invited
198
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:49,094
- to Shy Baldwin's wedding?
- You tell me.
199
00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:50,978
I don't know.
They're working off an old list?
200
00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:54,391
- Then you would've been invited.
- And I was not invited.
201
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,019
- Susie.
- I guess I was invited.
202
00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:59,271
Why the hell was I invited
to Shy Baldwin's wedding?
203
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,315
And it's three days from now.
204
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:02,959
Basic wedding etiquette dictates
invitations go out
205
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,068
45 days prior to the event,
at a minimum.
206
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,546
I'm sorry, you're offended
that you were invited
207
00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:08,756
at the last minute to a
wedding you don't want to go to?
208
00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:09,698
Yes. Who wouldn't be?
209
00:08:09,781 --> 00:08:11,450
- Me.
- And not only am I not going,
210
00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,243
I'm RSVPing "yes"
and then not going,
211
00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:14,703
just to screw up his count.
212
00:08:14,786 --> 00:08:15,996
You're a monster.
213
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,165
That thing's a waste
of a nice gilded edge.
214
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,709
You know what?
Maybe we should go.
215
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:23,712
- Go? Are you kidding me?
- There's no way
216
00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:25,505
there's not an open bar,
some good food.
217
00:08:25,589 --> 00:08:26,924
You are not serious.
218
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,217
He kind of owes us, you know?
219
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,485
You could get
your picture taken there,
220
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,803
get some good exposure
and some good cake.
221
00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:34,556
I am kind of curious to see
the whole spectacle.
222
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:37,559
And I am really curious
to drink a lot of free booze.
223
00:08:39,603 --> 00:08:40,812
Did you see that?
224
00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,481
- See what?
- So you didn't? - The smoke?
225
00:08:42,564 --> 00:08:44,233
- So you did.
- I did.
226
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,235
- Damn. Damn it.
- Were we not supposed to?
227
00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:48,320
Of course you were,
but not then. Later.
228
00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,780
[yells]
229
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:50,989
It's no good! I can't...
230
00:08:51,073 --> 00:08:52,532
What was I...
How am I supposed...
231
00:08:52,616 --> 00:08:54,076
Breathe it out.
232
00:08:54,159 --> 00:08:56,954
It was on four, not three.
Just have to remember to count.
233
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,331
[takes deep breath]
I'll just try it again.
234
00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,585
I'm looking pretty good to you
right now, aren't I?
235
00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:12,427
I got a net.
I should save for Ethan?
236
00:09:12,511 --> 00:09:14,179
We have saying back home:
237
00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:17,724
"Never too early for child
to learn how to bury."
238
00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:21,812
Mm. Let's just flush him and let
his memory be a blessing.
239
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,439
Do we have any matches, Zelda?
This is dangerous.
240
00:09:24,523 --> 00:09:27,567
I saw Miss Miriam has matches
in her bedroom. I'll get them.
241
00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:30,988
- [phone ringing]
- I'll get it, Zelda.
242
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,524
- Weissman residence.
- [woman speaking faintly on phone]
243
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:38,620
Mm, this is she.
244
00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:43,125
Well, of course.
245
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,502
I'd be very happy to meet
with Mr. Melamid.
246
00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:49,298
Certainly, any time he'd like.
247
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:51,591
Today's fine.
248
00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:54,469
Half an hour.
I can be ready by then.
249
00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:57,347
It's 385 Riverside Drive
in Manhattan.
250
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,640
[woman] Thank you so much.
251
00:09:58,724 --> 00:10:00,517
You're welcome. Thank you.
252
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,977
Goodbye.
253
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,690
As it turns out, I don't have
time for tea after all.
254
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,608
There's a car coming for me.
255
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:10,610
I have business in Scarsdale.
256
00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:12,946
Please tell Mr. Weissman
when he comes home.
257
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:16,658
Okay, I'll tell him you went
outside to do your business.
258
00:10:17,743 --> 00:10:19,828
I'll just leave a note.
259
00:10:19,911 --> 00:10:21,663
[♪ Doris Day:
"Nice Work if You Can Get It"]
260
00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:25,375
♪ Holding hands at midnight ♪
261
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:29,046
♪ 'Neath the starry sky ♪
262
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:33,258
♪ Nice work if you can get ♪
263
00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:35,010
♪ And you can get it ♪
264
00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:36,553
♪ If you try ♪
265
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:38,430
- Just over there, ma'am.
- Thank you.
266
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,098
♪ Strolling with...
267
00:10:40,182 --> 00:10:41,933
Mrs. Weissman.
268
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:44,311
Solomon Melamid.
269
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:46,396
I'd, uh, shake your hand,
but mine is...
270
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,750
- straight from the horse's mouth, shall we say.
- [laughs]
271
00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:50,359
- Anyway, welcome.
- Rose Weissman.
272
00:10:50,442 --> 00:10:51,735
- [neighs]
- It's a pleasure.
273
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,278
Cut it out, Zephaniah.
274
00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:54,905
Don't let him scare you.
275
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,148
Oh, it takes more than
a little showing off to do that.
276
00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:59,701
I grew up with horses.
In Oklahoma.
277
00:10:59,785 --> 00:11:02,013
- And I see you wore sensible shoes.
- Well, there's nothing elegant
278
00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:04,456
about landing on your backside
in the mud, is there?
279
00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:06,625
I can tell,
you know a thing or two.
280
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:08,043
Join me in a walk?
281
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:09,753
- [loud neighing]
- Now, that...
282
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:10,837
[man] Whoa, boy!
283
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:13,715
...is Copper Jack,
my prize stallion.
284
00:11:13,799 --> 00:11:17,094
A stable boy walked a mare
past his stall this morning.
285
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,179
Poor devil got a whiff,
and he hasn't been able
286
00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:21,890
- to calm himself since.
- Hmm. Your house, my goodness,
287
00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:24,976
it's even more stunning than
it looked in Town & Country.
288
00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:27,229
My great-grandfather
had it built in 1840.
289
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:29,398
We throw on another wing
from time to time...
290
00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:31,066
birthdays, Hanukkah.
291
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:33,068
Hmm, your family's
in the railroad business.
292
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:36,071
Railroad, shipping, steel.
We're eyeing aviation.
293
00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,532
Innovation's key.
Stagnation is death.
294
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:40,534
You're a businesswoman;
you know all this.
295
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,786
- Oh, yes, I am. I do.
- [chuckles]
296
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:44,621
Mrs. Weissman,
I wanted to meet you,
297
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:48,041
because your impressive match
for my lawyer's daughter
298
00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,876
did not escape my notice.
299
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,711
Norma and Lorraine,
my two daughters,
300
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:54,047
are 31 and 32 years old.
301
00:11:54,131 --> 00:11:55,132
Oh!
302
00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,175
- Uh, sorry.
- No, don't be.
303
00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:59,177
Their mother cries herself
to sleep every night
304
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:00,887
wondering where she went wrong.
305
00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:02,806
Well, you've come
to the right place.
306
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,641
Trees with a few more rings
on them
307
00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,601
happen to be
a specialty of mine.
308
00:12:06,685 --> 00:12:07,686
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
309
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:08,854
That's good to hear.
310
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,147
[loud neighing]
311
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,874
I think we're gonna have
to give him Starlight
312
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:13,233
just to calm him down.
313
00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:15,444
Horses are easy.
314
00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:17,237
You throw them together,
a little noise,
315
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,490
maybe a stall door needs
repairing, and that's that.
316
00:12:20,574 --> 00:12:22,701
If only it were as simple
with daughters.
317
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:25,495
- Tell me about them, your girls.
- Well...
318
00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:27,497
Norma has a penchant
for stable boys.
319
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:29,708
- She's the Starlight of the family.
- I see.
320
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:31,871
Lorraine, the younger one,
she got kicked in the head
321
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:34,254
by a horse as a child,
so she's an easy mark.
322
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:36,715
We've had a lot of schemers
and gigolos who look at Lorraine
323
00:12:36,798 --> 00:12:38,884
and see the goose that laid
the golden egg.
324
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:41,428
- [chuckles] She almost married an actor.
- Heavens.
325
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:44,973
I got him a job on the road
promoting Ford Thunderbirds.
326
00:12:45,056 --> 00:12:47,142
He's in Alaska as we speak.
327
00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:49,436
But they aren't all
so easily disposed of.
328
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:51,480
You just need someone
to screen out the schemers
329
00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,482
and find the man
who will love Lorraine
330
00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:55,609
for who she is
and not what she has.
331
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:57,819
And I need to be able
to bring my daughters' husbands
332
00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,988
into the family business.
They can't be idiots,
333
00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,574
- or obvious idiots.
- Well, Mr. Melamid,
334
00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:04,868
I assure you I can find
some very nice men
335
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,536
who are not obviously idiots
336
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:08,997
and will make Norma and Lorraine
very happy.
337
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:10,207
Oh, yes.
338
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,125
Happy, that would be good, too.
339
00:13:12,209 --> 00:13:14,503
Not a deal breaker,
but a nice bonus.
340
00:13:14,586 --> 00:13:16,630
Mrs. Weissman,
I am appointing you
341
00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:20,175
director of the nearly bankrupt
division of Melamid Industries
342
00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:22,552
known as my daughters'
marital prospects.
343
00:13:22,636 --> 00:13:24,596
Good luck.
And if it's any incentive,
344
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:28,391
the extended Melamid family
is large, rich and homely,
345
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:31,436
so there could be a lot of
Melamid matches in your future.
346
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,438
Well, then I'd better get
right to work.
347
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,565
Where are
Norma and Lorraine now?
348
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:36,733
In the city.
349
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,503
They live together there
like a pair of ex-nuns.
350
00:13:38,527 --> 00:13:40,654
I'll set up meetings right away
to get to know them.
351
00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:43,281
Please tell Mrs. Melamid
I said she should start thinking
352
00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,741
about the centerpieces.
353
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,159
One more thing.
354
00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:48,161
Respectability is
of the utmost importance
355
00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:49,496
to the Melamid family.
356
00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:52,707
We value decency,
dignity and discretion,
357
00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:55,877
and we assume you
and your family do as well.
358
00:13:55,961 --> 00:13:58,547
- Yes, of course, Mr. Melamid.
- Good.
359
00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,465
Call me Solomon.
360
00:14:00,549 --> 00:14:01,841
John!
361
00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:04,594
Send Edgar to give
Mrs. Weissman a tour.
362
00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:06,221
Make sure you see the swans.
363
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:08,848
They are bastards
but they are beautiful.
364
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,314
[door closes]
365
00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:18,567
Hello?
366
00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:20,694
Is anybody home?
367
00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:23,530
Miriam?
368
00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:25,675
[man] [in distance] Ice cream,
get your ice cream here.
369
00:14:25,699 --> 00:14:26,884
[children's chatter in distance]
370
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:29,452
[man] I got chocolate,
I got vanilla.
371
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:31,538
[man continues indistinctly]
372
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,482
[children's chatter continues
in distance]
373
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,665
♪ Bop, bop, bop, bop,
ba-dop, bop, bop, bop, bop ♪
374
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:19,586
♪ She was afraid
to come out of the locker ♪
375
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:23,506
♪ She was as nervous
as she could be ♪
376
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,342
♪ She was afraid to come out...
377
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,261
- You're late.
- It's my chauffeur. He fired himself.
378
00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:30,388
[whispers] I had to take a cab.
379
00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:32,349
- Okay, so...
- Did you hear what I said?
380
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,184
A taxicab.
381
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:37,562
Susie... I'm exhausted.
382
00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:39,022
I had to hail it myself.
383
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:41,107
I had to put my arm
up in the air,
384
00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:44,444
I had to leave it there
until the cab pulled over.
385
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:47,280
I had to open my own door.
I had to duck down...
386
00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:49,324
It sounds harrowing,
but it's over. Now focus.
387
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:50,742
- Mm.
- Look over there.
388
00:15:50,825 --> 00:15:53,953
That is Mike Carr.
He books The Gordon Ford Show.
389
00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:56,164
Hmm, not unattractive.
390
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:58,458
You are not gonna fuck him.
You're gonna meet with him.
391
00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:00,502
Now, I got to make sure
you are ready for this.
392
00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:02,337
Let me see your eyes.
393
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,315
Well, at least they're spinning
in the same direction.
394
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,257
Did you take your meds,
or stop taking them,
395
00:16:06,341 --> 00:16:09,177
- whichever makes you less nuts?
- Yes, both.
396
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,429
Because if you screw this up,
all that's left for you
397
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:14,641
is to be my secretary,
and you'd be a lousy secretary.
398
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:16,142
Now, come on.
399
00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:21,064
♪ It was an itsy-bitsy,
teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot...
400
00:16:21,147 --> 00:16:22,941
Mike Carr? Susie Myerson.
401
00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:24,859
Finally. I was about to leave.
402
00:16:24,943 --> 00:16:26,587
You would've missed out
on the meeting of a lifetime.
403
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:29,155
When I went to a bullfight
with Hemingway,
404
00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,949
that was the meeting
of a lifetime.
405
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:32,617
I don't know what the fuck
this is.
406
00:16:32,701 --> 00:16:35,120
Then, let me introduce you
to the goddamn living legend,
407
00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:36,913
Sophie Lennon. Sophie, Mike.
408
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,140
I started out with
ten minutes for you.
409
00:16:38,164 --> 00:16:39,874
I waited seven,
so now I have three.
410
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,960
- I like him.
- Great. Sit.
411
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:45,797
Ooh! [groans]
412
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:47,006
You okay?
413
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,175
Have you ever taken a cab?
414
00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:50,719
Ignore her.
415
00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:52,512
Mike, when's your birthday?
416
00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:54,764
Day before Christmas.
It's a fucking curse.
417
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,200
How would you like it
to be next week?
418
00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:57,600
What's the angle here?
419
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,310
I thought you said no sex.
420
00:16:59,394 --> 00:17:01,479
What I am offering you
today is a gift.
421
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:04,274
An unprecedented interview
with the great Sophie Lennon.
422
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,775
Unprecedented?
423
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:07,712
She's been on every goddamn
talk show in the country.
424
00:17:07,736 --> 00:17:09,696
I have. I've been
on Sullivan nine times.
425
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,656
Yeah, I heard about
you being "on Sullivan."
426
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,450
He said he was leaving his wife.
427
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,261
I am not talking about some
run-of-the-mill interview.
428
00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:16,637
Is that what you think
Gordon does?
429
00:17:16,661 --> 00:17:18,121
Run-of-the-mill interviews?
430
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:20,957
- [chuckling] Mike.
- Keep walking.
431
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,834
- Mike, listen...
- There's no heat on her.
432
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:25,003
Okay? It'd be like booking
an iceberg, sorry.
433
00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:27,338
- And I accept your apology.
- Don't talk.
434
00:17:28,590 --> 00:17:30,216
Mike, just listen to me.
This woman here,
435
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,843
she had a nervous breakdown.
436
00:17:31,926 --> 00:17:33,446
- That's your pitch?
- She went from being
437
00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:35,263
the highest-paid comedian
in this business
438
00:17:35,346 --> 00:17:37,474
to a punch line herself
in one fucking night.
439
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:38,975
Complete career suicide.
440
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,661
You telling me that story
doesn't interest you?
441
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:42,966
Well, sure, but we can't talk
about that shit on the show.
442
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,522
- Why not?
- Because you can't.
443
00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:45,857
Who says?
444
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,276
I don't know, uh... America?
445
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:49,861
Fuck America.
446
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:51,756
You book Sophie on that show,
she will give Gordon
447
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,490
the kind of interview
no other star
448
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,283
in her right mind
would ever agree to.
449
00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:57,243
I am not in my right mind,
that is true.
450
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,537
- She's got stories, Mike.
- So?
451
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,748
My mother has stories.
I wouldn't book her, either.
452
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:04,125
Who'd you have
on the show last night, Mike?
453
00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:06,586
Let me answer that...
a blonde starlet
454
00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,379
and a boring-ass director.
455
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:10,107
The night before that,
a red-headed starlet
456
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:11,716
and a boring-ass novelist.
457
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,635
And they're all
plugging something.
458
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,918
They talk about their shitty
movie or their boring book,
459
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:18,264
how everyone they work with
is a genius
460
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,517
and how everybody in Hollywood
is best friends.
461
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,811
And maybe they throw in
a semi-embarrassing story
462
00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:24,604
about getting locked
out of their house,
463
00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:26,272
wearing only a towel,
then you go
464
00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:27,833
to a commercial,
sell some cigarettes.
465
00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:30,109
Well, Sophie Lennon has
fuck-all to plug.
466
00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:31,986
She's got nothing to lose.
467
00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:35,406
So she is gonna open up
her walk-in closet of skeletons
468
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:38,660
and introduce them all
to the world in living color.
469
00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:40,137
And her publicist
isn't gonna stop her
470
00:18:40,161 --> 00:18:41,579
'cause her publicist
quit last week.
471
00:18:41,663 --> 00:18:43,915
It's risky.
472
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:45,838
If it's a disaster,
I'm the one that goes down.
473
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:48,169
Gordon's been stuck at
number two since the beginning.
474
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:50,380
He does something ballsy
like this?
475
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,173
He's number one
and you're the one
476
00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:53,842
who made him number one.
477
00:18:53,925 --> 00:18:55,677
If it doesn't work, sure,
it's your ass.
478
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:58,388
But if he stays number two,
aren't you getting fired anyway?
479
00:18:58,471 --> 00:18:59,764
[indistinct chatter]
480
00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:01,307
Give me a card.
481
00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:03,184
Got one right here.
482
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,562
Uh, wait, I got a...
[clears throat] new number.
483
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:10,316
And the printer fucked up.
There's no "Q" in "Myerson."
484
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,402
Stay by your phone.
485
00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,865
Did that go well or badly?
486
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:19,325
I do not think you're gonna need
to be my secretary.
487
00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:21,494
[sighs]
488
00:19:21,578 --> 00:19:23,538
- [light jazz music playing]
- [crowd cheering]
489
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,009
[men clamoring]
490
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,111
What would you like to drink?
491
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,030
Very cold water, please.
492
00:19:57,113 --> 00:19:58,865
You get water,
I still have to charge you.
493
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,658
And there's a two-drink minimum.
494
00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:03,369
Water... and two sherries.
495
00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:26,559
[audience cheering]
496
00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:36,778
Bubble, bubble,
497
00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:39,364
toil and trouble.
498
00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:41,199
Ooh!
499
00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:43,534
Everyone nice
and lubricated out there?
500
00:20:43,618 --> 00:20:45,536
[audience cheering]
501
00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:46,900
How you doing
in the cheap seats?
502
00:20:46,955 --> 00:20:48,456
- [man] All right!
- All right.
503
00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:50,750
Now I just want you
to think about something.
504
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:52,418
Especially you with your hand
505
00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:54,671
precariously close
to your crotch there.
506
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,966
Every girl
you see working tonight,
507
00:20:58,049 --> 00:21:00,635
- shaking their moneymakers...
- [cheering]
508
00:21:00,718 --> 00:21:03,388
- has a father.
- [audience groaning]
509
00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,264
That's right, me, too.
I have a father.
510
00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:06,683
Goes by Abraham.
511
00:21:06,766 --> 00:21:09,268
He thought I'd grow up
to be the perfect lady.
512
00:21:09,352 --> 00:21:11,604
And here I am,
slinging dick jokes
513
00:21:11,688 --> 00:21:13,272
in a strip club
to a bunch of drunk men
514
00:21:13,356 --> 00:21:14,816
with various degrees
of syphilis.
515
00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:16,442
So happy Father's Day!
516
00:21:16,526 --> 00:21:19,362
- [laughter]
- [applause]
517
00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:22,448
[yawns]
518
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:34,335
You're home late.
519
00:21:34,419 --> 00:21:36,671
- You're up late.
- Where have you been?
520
00:21:36,754 --> 00:21:38,594
We went out to get
something to eat after work.
521
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:40,216
- We?
- Me and Susie.
522
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,968
Oh, so no boyfriend.
523
00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:43,344
Well, if you squint.
524
00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:45,430
Late-night dining sounds
very glamorous.
525
00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:48,016
I ate my grilled cheese
with my pinkie up.
526
00:21:48,099 --> 00:21:49,392
Where are you going?
527
00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:50,995
You're certainly not gonna
eat again, are you?
528
00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:52,186
You'll lose your figure.
529
00:21:52,270 --> 00:21:53,590
Then you'll never get
a boyfriend.
530
00:21:54,939 --> 00:21:57,233
I already have a shadow, Mama.
531
00:21:58,151 --> 00:22:00,194
There's something
I need to discuss with you.
532
00:22:00,278 --> 00:22:01,946
Something
that can't wait till morning?
533
00:22:02,030 --> 00:22:03,322
I'm exhausted.
534
00:22:03,406 --> 00:22:05,491
It's 5:00 a.m. It is morning.
535
00:22:05,575 --> 00:22:06,993
This is me
536
00:22:07,076 --> 00:22:08,745
falling asleep on the counter.
537
00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,329
I have a new matchmaking client.
538
00:22:10,413 --> 00:22:13,458
Solomon Melamid,
of the Melamids.
539
00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:15,793
- Are you listening?
- Uh-huh, Mallomars.
540
00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:17,420
Melamids.
541
00:22:17,503 --> 00:22:20,131
Miriam, wake up.
This is important.
542
00:22:20,214 --> 00:22:22,508
He has two unmarried daughters
and he's richer than God.
543
00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:24,469
Sounds great.
Mallomars sound better, but...
544
00:22:24,552 --> 00:22:26,554
He's a very important man.
545
00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:28,517
- He's very concerned about discretion.
- Uh-huh.
546
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:31,142
And I have promised him that
I am nothing if not discreet.
547
00:22:31,225 --> 00:22:33,603
- I will do nothing to embarrass him.
- Uh-huh.
548
00:22:33,686 --> 00:22:35,063
I won't.
549
00:22:35,146 --> 00:22:36,647
However...
550
00:22:38,441 --> 00:22:40,443
What?
551
00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:48,951
I'm thinking things are
gonna get a little loud.
552
00:22:49,035 --> 00:22:50,953
I don't want to wake the kids.
553
00:22:54,749 --> 00:22:56,209
You were saying?
554
00:22:56,292 --> 00:22:57,919
Your career thing.
555
00:22:58,002 --> 00:22:59,670
- Yep.
- It's a problem.
556
00:22:59,754 --> 00:23:01,255
Mallomars don't like jokes?
557
00:23:01,339 --> 00:23:03,800
Well, they don't like
strip clubs.
558
00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:06,094
You've been hiding it from us,
so you must understand
559
00:23:06,177 --> 00:23:07,780
- where they're coming from.
- Where'd you get that?
560
00:23:07,804 --> 00:23:09,055
Your room. It's full of them.
561
00:23:09,138 --> 00:23:10,515
You're snooping in my room,
562
00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:12,058
like I'm 15?
563
00:23:12,141 --> 00:23:14,221
No, you didn't lie and sneak
around when you were 15.
564
00:23:14,268 --> 00:23:15,853
I never lied about the club.
565
00:23:15,937 --> 00:23:17,438
I just didn't tell you
the details.
566
00:23:17,522 --> 00:23:19,082
I didn't want to make you
uncomfortable.
567
00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:20,942
A rubber girdle
is uncomfortable.
568
00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:22,985
Stumbling onto a box
of newspaper clippings
569
00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,570
linking your daughter
to a strip club
570
00:23:24,654 --> 00:23:26,322
for all the world to see
is excruciating!
571
00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:29,492
It's pretty hard to stumble onto
a locked box in a closed drawer.
572
00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:31,077
So you were hiding it.
573
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,745
No. I wasn't hiding my box
574
00:23:32,829 --> 00:23:35,123
of my clippings in my apartment.
575
00:23:35,206 --> 00:23:36,266
You mean the apartment
your father
576
00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:37,208
and I bought back for you.
577
00:23:37,291 --> 00:23:38,292
That's your cover story
578
00:23:38,376 --> 00:23:39,293
for something you're hiding.
579
00:23:39,377 --> 00:23:40,479
Well, it's not a cover story
580
00:23:40,503 --> 00:23:41,838
if you don't use it
consistently.
581
00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:43,631
Yes, I am working
at a strip club.
582
00:23:43,714 --> 00:23:46,008
- So you're a stripper?
- No, I am a comic.
583
00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:48,386
Solomon Melamid will think
you are a stripper.
584
00:23:48,469 --> 00:23:50,349
Well, then he'll be
very disappointed by my act.
585
00:23:50,388 --> 00:23:51,681
Miriam, hear me.
586
00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,808
There are dozens
of rich, homely girls
587
00:23:53,891 --> 00:23:55,434
in the Melamid clan.
588
00:23:55,518 --> 00:23:58,146
And all four of Solomon
Melamid's sisters are widows.
589
00:23:58,229 --> 00:24:00,189
Suspicious? Fine. I don't care.
590
00:24:00,273 --> 00:24:01,983
This large, sad family is
a cash cow,
591
00:24:02,066 --> 00:24:03,317
and I want to milk it.
592
00:24:03,401 --> 00:24:05,403
Who's stopping you? Grab a pail.
593
00:24:05,486 --> 00:24:07,005
I can't because my daughter's
a stripper.
594
00:24:07,029 --> 00:24:09,574
Are we really
gonna do this again?
595
00:24:09,657 --> 00:24:11,718
What else do I call a woman
who performs at a strip club?
596
00:24:11,742 --> 00:24:13,494
An emcee, a comic,
597
00:24:13,578 --> 00:24:15,371
a jokester, a card,
598
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:16,998
a gagster, a wag, a wit...
599
00:24:17,081 --> 00:24:19,143
Would you go to a dentist whose
office was in a whorehouse?
600
00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:21,002
Okay, the sun is coming up
601
00:24:21,085 --> 00:24:22,855
and I have to talk to Ethan's
teacher at 8:00 about the odds
602
00:24:22,879 --> 00:24:24,398
of him getting out of
kindergarten on the first try,
603
00:24:24,422 --> 00:24:25,923
so let's wrap this up.
604
00:24:26,007 --> 00:24:27,447
What do you want me
to do here, Mama?
605
00:24:27,508 --> 00:24:30,595
- Quit.
- No. I am a comedian.
606
00:24:30,678 --> 00:24:32,013
Well, comedian somewhere else.
607
00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:34,098
The Wolford pays me.
608
00:24:34,182 --> 00:24:37,018
It's regular money and
I can do my act the way I want.
609
00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:38,501
Why not just go back
to the Gashole?
610
00:24:38,561 --> 00:24:40,563
The Gaslight.
That's a basket house.
611
00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:42,273
There's no money there.
612
00:24:42,356 --> 00:24:44,501
I don't see how Mallomar's
even gonna find out about this.
613
00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:45,669
He'll read about you
in the paper.
614
00:24:45,693 --> 00:24:47,778
I doubt he reads L. Roy Dunham.
615
00:24:47,862 --> 00:24:49,238
Mr. Melamid reads everything.
616
00:24:49,322 --> 00:24:51,532
Well, even if he does,
we have different names.
617
00:24:51,616 --> 00:24:54,577
- Weissman, Maisel.
- L. Roy Dunham is a journalist.
618
00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:56,638
He will track down your identity
and he will eventually print it.
619
00:24:56,662 --> 00:24:58,664
Well, que será, será.
620
00:24:58,748 --> 00:25:01,250
Miriam, my job is
very important to me.
621
00:25:01,334 --> 00:25:03,628
I could be on the verge
of something very big here.
622
00:25:04,837 --> 00:25:07,131
Me, too.
623
00:25:12,887 --> 00:25:14,889
♪ ♪
624
00:25:18,017 --> 00:25:20,019
- [laughter]
- [indistinct chatter]
625
00:25:44,919 --> 00:25:46,379
Shit.
626
00:25:46,462 --> 00:25:48,756
Yeah. It's fucking fabulous.
627
00:26:00,768 --> 00:26:02,270
Here.
628
00:26:02,353 --> 00:26:05,439
You kind of fucked up
the floral arrangement there.
629
00:26:08,693 --> 00:26:11,821
[grunts] There,
now it's truly fucked up.
630
00:26:11,904 --> 00:26:13,447
We're off to a productive start.
631
00:26:13,531 --> 00:26:15,533
- Bar?
- Bar.
632
00:26:22,498 --> 00:26:23,958
[bartender] What can I get
for you?
633
00:26:24,041 --> 00:26:25,793
What's
your most expensive Scotch?
634
00:26:25,876 --> 00:26:27,556
I think that would be
the Balvenie 30, sir.
635
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:29,714
That one. Uh, make it a double.
636
00:26:29,797 --> 00:26:32,133
A triple.
Hey, what's your top shelf gin?
637
00:26:32,216 --> 00:26:34,111
- Throw some of that in there, too.
- I'll have the same.
638
00:26:34,135 --> 00:26:36,178
- But with a cherry.
- Your most expensive cherry.
639
00:26:36,262 --> 00:26:38,306
Two cherries, please.
640
00:26:41,017 --> 00:26:43,519
[indistinct chatter]
641
00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:47,106
Let's do some business.
642
00:26:48,816 --> 00:26:50,109
Hello, boys.
643
00:26:50,192 --> 00:26:52,236
Mrs. Maisel, Miriam,
hot rising comic.
644
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,071
Get in there, honey.
645
00:26:54,155 --> 00:26:55,924
- Oh, she is something, huh?
- [photographer] Smile.
646
00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:57,134
Looks good
in a bathing suit, too.
647
00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:59,618
Boy! Legs and tits for days!
648
00:26:59,702 --> 00:27:01,096
- [photographer] Okay, got it.
- Good?
649
00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,414
You got it? Okay.
650
00:27:03,497 --> 00:27:05,916
Uh, Susie Myerson and Associates
is her representation.
651
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:07,960
Well, that was sufficiently
gross and demeaning.
652
00:27:08,044 --> 00:27:10,129
- You're welcome.
- Interesting combination.
653
00:27:10,212 --> 00:27:12,298
What are they called?
654
00:27:12,381 --> 00:27:14,258
Sweet Revenge.
655
00:27:18,054 --> 00:27:19,555
Whoa!
656
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:21,724
This is definitely gonna
make me throw up.
657
00:27:21,807 --> 00:27:23,559
Do it on the dance floor.
658
00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:25,811
- Canapé?
- I can indeed.
659
00:27:25,895 --> 00:27:27,688
Great portions here.
660
00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:29,273
Eh, 20 bucks right there.
661
00:27:29,357 --> 00:27:30,941
- Heads up.
- Ooh!
662
00:27:31,025 --> 00:27:32,068
- Oh, my God.
- Hmm?
663
00:27:32,151 --> 00:27:33,986
Susie, it's Sidney Poitier.
664
00:27:34,070 --> 00:27:36,238
- What? Where?
- There, front table.
665
00:27:36,322 --> 00:27:38,783
Wow, and he's talking
to, uh, Harvey.
666
00:27:38,866 --> 00:27:40,868
- From the movie.
- Harvey was the rabbit.
667
00:27:40,951 --> 00:27:42,620
But that is Jimmy Stewart.
668
00:27:42,703 --> 00:27:44,580
Oh, my God, Jimmy Stewart is
sexy in person.
669
00:27:44,663 --> 00:27:46,540
Ew. Oh.
670
00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:49,418
Oh, my God.
671
00:27:49,502 --> 00:27:51,045
- These are delicious.
- What are they?
672
00:27:51,128 --> 00:27:52,797
I don't even know.
673
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:54,441
A little ball of something
that teaches you
674
00:27:54,465 --> 00:27:56,109
what pleasure is
even if you've been half-dead
675
00:27:56,133 --> 00:27:57,760
- your whole fucking life.
- Excuse me.
676
00:27:57,843 --> 00:27:59,428
Oh, no balls, just puffs.
677
00:28:01,097 --> 00:28:02,348
Mmm, puffs are good.
678
00:28:02,431 --> 00:28:04,392
Mm-hmm, I repeat,
puffs are very good.
679
00:28:04,475 --> 00:28:05,976
Oh, yeah.
680
00:28:06,060 --> 00:28:08,521
I bet if you put a puff with
a ball and maybe some cheese...
681
00:28:08,604 --> 00:28:10,540
Wait, hang on, we're not
supposed to be enjoying this.
682
00:28:10,564 --> 00:28:12,691
- Are we?
- No, we're not enjoying this.
683
00:28:12,775 --> 00:28:15,319
Are you crazy? We're just
eating and drinking...
684
00:28:15,403 --> 00:28:17,488
Ah, fuck, we are enjoying it.
685
00:28:17,571 --> 00:28:19,365
All right, let's get back on...
686
00:28:19,448 --> 00:28:22,201
Will you get out of here?
687
00:28:22,284 --> 00:28:24,412
The lights are different, right?
688
00:28:24,495 --> 00:28:26,372
- Yeah, something's happening.
- Good.
689
00:28:26,455 --> 00:28:28,332
I thought it was the drink.
690
00:28:28,416 --> 00:28:30,376
This shit has to be
what killed Toulouse-Lautrec.
691
00:28:30,459 --> 00:28:33,170
Where's Carole?
And the rest of the guys?
692
00:28:33,254 --> 00:28:34,564
I don't recognize a soul
up there.
693
00:28:34,588 --> 00:28:36,424
Hmm, must've gotten a new band.
694
00:28:36,507 --> 00:28:38,592
[announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, may I please have
695
00:28:38,676 --> 00:28:41,345
your attention as we welcome
for the first time
696
00:28:41,429 --> 00:28:42,763
as husband and wife...
697
00:28:42,847 --> 00:28:46,392
Mr. and Mrs. Shy Baldwin!
698
00:28:46,475 --> 00:28:48,519
[all cheering]
699
00:28:48,602 --> 00:28:50,604
[♪ Shy Baldwin: "City Lights"]
700
00:28:56,318 --> 00:29:00,156
[singers vocalizing]
701
00:29:01,949 --> 00:29:04,452
- He looks fat.
- No, he doesn't.
702
00:29:04,535 --> 00:29:05,953
[Susie] His hair looks thin.
703
00:29:06,036 --> 00:29:07,413
[Midge] No, it doesn't.
704
00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:12,251
♪ And though I love that view ♪
705
00:29:12,334 --> 00:29:16,213
♪ The city lights don't shine
as bright as you ♪
706
00:29:16,297 --> 00:29:19,425
♪ Shine as bright,
shine as bright ♪
707
00:29:19,508 --> 00:29:22,845
♪ Come close to me, baby ♪
708
00:29:22,928 --> 00:29:25,681
♪ Cool as the river ♪
709
00:29:25,764 --> 00:29:28,517
♪ When you're here in my arms ♪
710
00:29:28,601 --> 00:29:31,479
♪ Manhattan's getting dimmer ♪
711
00:29:31,562 --> 00:29:34,732
♪ I know it sparkles, too ♪
712
00:29:37,109 --> 00:29:40,112
♪ But city lights don't shine
as bright as you ♪
713
00:29:40,196 --> 00:29:42,865
- ♪ Shine as bright ♪
- ♪ Paris at night ♪
714
00:29:42,948 --> 00:29:45,701
♪ Don't shine as bright as you ♪
715
00:29:45,784 --> 00:29:48,704
- ♪ Shine as bright ♪
- ♪ Nothing's a sight ♪
716
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,874
♪ That could shine
as bright as you ♪
717
00:29:51,957 --> 00:29:55,794
♪ Oh, Rome is all right ♪
718
00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:58,881
♪ But them city lights
don't shine as bright ♪
719
00:29:58,964 --> 00:30:03,844
♪ As you ♪ ♪
720
00:30:03,928 --> 00:30:07,056
[crowd cheering]
721
00:30:10,851 --> 00:30:12,704
Did she just fucking curtsy?
Is that what she did?
722
00:30:12,728 --> 00:30:14,522
Are you watching this shit?
723
00:30:14,605 --> 00:30:16,524
This drink is
really growing on me.
724
00:30:16,607 --> 00:30:18,817
Now look at this.
725
00:30:18,901 --> 00:30:21,403
None of y'all had anywhere
else to go tonight?
726
00:30:21,487 --> 00:30:23,030
- [laughter]
- Well, good.
727
00:30:23,113 --> 00:30:25,032
'Cause now I get to gloat.
728
00:30:25,115 --> 00:30:26,242
Look at the girl over there.
729
00:30:26,325 --> 00:30:27,868
All right, now stop looking,
730
00:30:27,952 --> 00:30:30,663
- 'cause she's mine.
- [laughter]
731
00:30:30,746 --> 00:30:32,915
Mrs. Shy Baldwin.
732
00:30:32,998 --> 00:30:35,543
I'm the luckiest man
in the world, baby.
733
00:30:35,626 --> 00:30:37,795
- [crowd] Aw!
- And so,
734
00:30:37,878 --> 00:30:40,381
in honor of my wife...
Boy, that is tough to say.
735
00:30:40,464 --> 00:30:42,591
Um, I'll practice,
I'll practice.
736
00:30:42,675 --> 00:30:44,552
You just heard a little
of my new single.
737
00:30:44,635 --> 00:30:46,637
[cheering]
738
00:30:48,222 --> 00:30:49,866
And it's a special one
because the lyrics were written
739
00:30:49,890 --> 00:30:51,809
by my boy Reggie Harris.
740
00:30:51,892 --> 00:30:53,954
Which is fitting because
that man's been putting words
741
00:30:53,978 --> 00:30:55,271
in my mouth since we were kids
742
00:30:55,354 --> 00:30:57,314
begging his grandmom
to buy us ice cream.
743
00:30:57,398 --> 00:30:58,774
[laughter]
744
00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:01,610
He made me say
I had heat stroke...
745
00:31:01,694 --> 00:31:03,988
Cute story about a control freak
746
00:31:04,071 --> 00:31:06,574
making his pal cheat
an old lady.
747
00:31:06,657 --> 00:31:08,117
...the people I'm closest to.
748
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:09,493
I feel your love.
749
00:31:09,577 --> 00:31:12,121
And my heart is
with you tonight.
750
00:31:12,204 --> 00:31:14,206
[crowd applauding]
751
00:31:16,959 --> 00:31:18,335
Feel better?
752
00:31:18,419 --> 00:31:20,004
- Yep.
- And now there's someone
753
00:31:20,087 --> 00:31:22,590
else who wants to chime in here.
754
00:31:22,673 --> 00:31:25,384
You know him, you love him.
755
00:31:25,467 --> 00:31:27,344
It's my good friend,
756
00:31:27,428 --> 00:31:29,638
Mr. Harry Belafonte.
757
00:31:29,722 --> 00:31:31,599
- [cheering]
- [clamoring]
758
00:31:31,682 --> 00:31:33,058
Yeah!
759
00:31:33,142 --> 00:31:34,518
Someone good!
760
00:31:39,523 --> 00:31:41,442
Shy, Monica,
761
00:31:41,525 --> 00:31:43,360
I had a special song
written for you.
762
00:31:43,444 --> 00:31:45,088
And I'm gonna sing it now,
if nobody minds.
763
00:31:45,112 --> 00:31:46,196
Three, four.
764
00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:48,824
[♪ Harry Belafonte:
"Maybe Monica"]
765
00:31:51,243 --> 00:31:53,996
♪ What's the way to the heart
of a man about town? ♪
766
00:31:54,079 --> 00:31:56,123
♪ Gets around now,
he gets around now ♪
767
00:31:56,206 --> 00:31:58,518
♪ What's the way when his feet
are too good for the ground? ♪
768
00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,711
- ♪ Tie him down now ♪
- ♪ Maybe Monica swayed ♪
769
00:32:00,794 --> 00:32:02,254
♪ She swayed ♪
770
00:32:02,338 --> 00:32:04,381
- ♪ Maybe Monica played ♪
- ♪ She played ♪
771
00:32:04,465 --> 00:32:08,302
♪ Maybe Monica knew he would
want more if she gave less ♪
772
00:32:08,385 --> 00:32:09,511
♪ More or less ♪
773
00:32:09,595 --> 00:32:10,596
♪ Maybe Monica prayed ♪
774
00:32:10,679 --> 00:32:12,056
♪ She prayed ♪
775
00:32:12,139 --> 00:32:14,224
- ♪ Maybe Monica stayed ♪
- ♪ She stayed ♪
776
00:32:14,308 --> 00:32:15,744
♪ Doesn't matter
what thing she pulled ♪
777
00:32:15,768 --> 00:32:17,102
♪ She pulled it best ♪
778
00:32:17,186 --> 00:32:18,562
♪ Baby made a maybe yes ♪
779
00:32:18,646 --> 00:32:19,563
♪ Maybe yes ♪
780
00:32:19,647 --> 00:32:21,023
♪ Baby made a maybe yes ♪
781
00:32:21,106 --> 00:32:22,274
♪ Maybe yes ♪
782
00:32:22,358 --> 00:32:24,652
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
783
00:32:24,735 --> 00:32:27,237
♪ He was startin'
to head out to the club ♪
784
00:32:27,321 --> 00:32:29,281
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
785
00:32:29,365 --> 00:32:30,783
♪ Have a ball and...
786
00:32:30,866 --> 00:32:32,534
Mei! I'm here!
787
00:32:32,618 --> 00:32:34,370
Joel? Thank God.
788
00:32:34,453 --> 00:32:36,455
Okay.
789
00:32:38,332 --> 00:32:40,250
I got a dress.
790
00:32:40,334 --> 00:32:42,002
I know. I got eyes.
791
00:32:42,086 --> 00:32:43,754
It's got a skirt and bow, see?
792
00:32:43,837 --> 00:32:46,256
There's birds on the top, kind
of a Peter Pan collar thing.
793
00:32:46,340 --> 00:32:47,633
You look great.
794
00:32:47,716 --> 00:32:49,218
You sure? I don't know.
795
00:32:49,301 --> 00:32:51,404
The skirt is weird, and I don't
know what the bird is,
796
00:32:51,428 --> 00:32:53,180
and why is this
a Peter Pan collar?
797
00:32:53,263 --> 00:32:54,532
I've seen Peter Pan,
I've read Peter Pan.
798
00:32:54,556 --> 00:32:55,891
I don't get the connection.
799
00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:57,643
Anyhow, I told
the girl at the shop
800
00:32:57,726 --> 00:32:59,311
that I needed a dress
to meet my...
801
00:32:59,395 --> 00:33:02,147
whatever you are's parents,
and she handed me this.
802
00:33:02,231 --> 00:33:03,691
Great.
803
00:33:03,774 --> 00:33:05,651
Are you sure?
804
00:33:05,734 --> 00:33:07,671
'Cause it's really important
that this dress is right.
805
00:33:07,695 --> 00:33:09,547
And while normally I don't
care what anybody thinks
806
00:33:09,571 --> 00:33:11,990
about anything, I feel like
there's a lot at stake here.
807
00:33:12,074 --> 00:33:13,784
- There's not.
- Of course there is.
808
00:33:13,867 --> 00:33:15,494
Are you crazy?
The first thing they see
809
00:33:15,577 --> 00:33:17,497
is the dress and the second
thing they see is me,
810
00:33:17,538 --> 00:33:19,164
so initially I asked
the lady at the shop
811
00:33:19,248 --> 00:33:20,928
if she had a dress
with a matzo ball print,
812
00:33:20,999 --> 00:33:23,019
which elicited exactly the
kind of response you'd think...
813
00:33:23,043 --> 00:33:25,587
deafening silence...
so I just took this one.
814
00:33:25,671 --> 00:33:28,048
You look perfect.
815
00:33:28,132 --> 00:33:30,300
[sighs] My hair will be better.
816
00:33:30,384 --> 00:33:32,636
So, if we get a cab
within 20 minutes,
817
00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:34,513
we can be
at my folks' place in time.
818
00:33:34,596 --> 00:33:36,306
Or we can be a little late.
819
00:33:36,390 --> 00:33:37,990
Shorten the length
of time we're exposed.
820
00:33:38,016 --> 00:33:40,227
No! Oh, my God,
we can't be late!
821
00:33:40,310 --> 00:33:42,938
I want to do
everything perfectly.
822
00:33:44,356 --> 00:33:46,233
Shit. Too colorful.
823
00:33:46,316 --> 00:33:47,985
Is this too colorful?
It's too colorful.
824
00:33:48,068 --> 00:33:50,004
I couldn't see at the shop
that this was too colorful?
825
00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:51,905
- Mei, should I make us a drink?
- Yes.
826
00:33:51,989 --> 00:33:54,008
So I can be drunk and late
with a too colorful dress
827
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:55,743
and a Peter Pan collar.
Thanks, Joel!
828
00:33:55,826 --> 00:33:57,953
- Hey, you need to relax.
- Can't.
829
00:33:58,036 --> 00:33:59,788
- You have to breathe.
- Nope.
830
00:33:59,872 --> 00:34:01,874
I like what you're wearing.
831
00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:03,792
But that's probably
'cause you're in it.
832
00:34:03,876 --> 00:34:06,503
Unbelievable.
You want to have sex now?
833
00:34:06,587 --> 00:34:07,838
- No.
- That was your sex call.
834
00:34:07,921 --> 00:34:09,423
- My what?
- Your sex call.
835
00:34:09,506 --> 00:34:11,401
- I do not want to have sex.
- Is that because of the dress?
836
00:34:11,425 --> 00:34:12,885
Please take me up on that drink.
837
00:34:12,968 --> 00:34:15,095
I got together with Adina
Kritzer, from pathology lab?
838
00:34:15,179 --> 00:34:17,055
She taught me some things
about Jewish culture.
839
00:34:17,139 --> 00:34:18,807
But it's all dumped
out of my head.
840
00:34:18,891 --> 00:34:20,642
I had Yiddish.
Now I have nothing.
841
00:34:20,726 --> 00:34:22,579
You have Jewish culture
right here at your disposal.
842
00:34:22,603 --> 00:34:24,897
I remember two words...
"tsoris" and "gefilte fish."
843
00:34:24,980 --> 00:34:26,875
- That's all you need to know.
- I bought a yarmulke.
844
00:34:26,899 --> 00:34:28,692
Mei, honey,
girls don't wear yarmulkes.
845
00:34:28,776 --> 00:34:30,486
What? Fuck.
846
00:34:30,569 --> 00:34:32,297
That would've been good
for Adina to mention.
847
00:34:32,321 --> 00:34:34,490
Bitch. And I'm pretty sure
all sales are final.
848
00:34:34,573 --> 00:34:36,325
- I'll wear the yarmulke.
- It's pink.
849
00:34:36,408 --> 00:34:37,576
We'll use it as a coaster.
850
00:34:37,659 --> 00:34:39,119
I'm gonna try on
the other dress.
851
00:34:39,203 --> 00:34:41,079
And throw up.
That's the sound you'll hear.
852
00:34:41,163 --> 00:34:43,040
Ignore it.
853
00:34:43,123 --> 00:34:45,125
[Mei sighs]
854
00:34:48,462 --> 00:34:51,232
- [doorbell rings]
- [Shirley] Moishe, it's Joely and his little girlfriend!
855
00:34:51,256 --> 00:34:52,549
[Moishe] She's here, Shirl!
856
00:34:52,633 --> 00:34:54,360
- [Shirley] Don't open the door!
- I'm gonna open the door.
857
00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:56,678
- Don't open the door!
- I got to open the door, Shirl!
858
00:34:56,762 --> 00:34:59,056
I want to see her at the exact
same time you see her.
859
00:35:00,682 --> 00:35:02,017
Where is she?
860
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:03,352
She parking the car?
861
00:35:03,435 --> 00:35:05,145
That's quite a greeting. Hi, Ma.
862
00:35:05,229 --> 00:35:06,772
Well, where is she?
What happened?
863
00:35:06,855 --> 00:35:08,816
Did you break up?
864
00:35:08,899 --> 00:35:10,651
- Let him talk, Shirl.
- She's feeling sick.
865
00:35:10,734 --> 00:35:12,653
- What's the matter with her?
- She's sick.
866
00:35:12,736 --> 00:35:14,172
It's nothing serious,
but there was a lot of sneezing.
867
00:35:14,196 --> 00:35:15,989
I'm devastated.
868
00:35:16,073 --> 00:35:17,717
I would've called ahead,
but she started feeling worse
869
00:35:17,741 --> 00:35:20,077
in the cab, so I dropped
her back at her apartment.
870
00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:22,138
Did she think she couldn't
be sick here? I'm a mother.
871
00:35:22,162 --> 00:35:24,039
She wanted you to have this.
872
00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:25,666
- She picked it out herself.
- Nice.
873
00:35:25,749 --> 00:35:27,292
Your lady has taste.
874
00:35:27,376 --> 00:35:29,270
Well, at least you can tell
us all about her over dinner.
875
00:35:29,294 --> 00:35:30,980
You know, you haven't
even told us her name.
876
00:35:31,004 --> 00:35:33,423
- It's Rachel.
- Ah, you have a cousin named Rachel.
877
00:35:33,507 --> 00:35:35,384
- Different Rachel.
- [Shirley] Rachel.
878
00:35:35,467 --> 00:35:37,386
Such a nice Jewish name.
879
00:35:37,469 --> 00:35:39,012
The nicest.
880
00:35:39,096 --> 00:35:40,573
Your father has
a cousin named Rachel?
881
00:35:40,597 --> 00:35:42,182
Different Rachel.
882
00:35:42,266 --> 00:35:45,143
Looks like he's got
the good kind of croutons.
883
00:35:45,227 --> 00:35:47,229
Motherfucker.
884
00:35:48,730 --> 00:35:50,732
[indistinct chatter]
885
00:35:53,944 --> 00:35:55,529
Be right back.
886
00:35:55,612 --> 00:35:57,823
I have to powder my nose.
887
00:36:11,628 --> 00:36:14,089
You know, the lighting's
better in the ladies' room.
888
00:36:14,172 --> 00:36:16,592
Well, well, well.
889
00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:19,052
Bigger mirrors, too.
890
00:36:19,136 --> 00:36:21,138
You look surprised.
891
00:36:21,221 --> 00:36:22,890
A little.
892
00:36:22,973 --> 00:36:24,892
So my invitation was a mistake.
893
00:36:24,975 --> 00:36:26,518
I don't know.
894
00:36:26,602 --> 00:36:28,228
The PR team made the guest list.
895
00:36:28,312 --> 00:36:30,230
Jerry Lewis wasn't
invited either,
896
00:36:30,314 --> 00:36:31,940
if it makes you feel any better.
897
00:36:32,024 --> 00:36:33,692
- Not really.
- He came anyway.
898
00:36:33,775 --> 00:36:35,169
Princess Grace is here.
Did you see her?
899
00:36:35,193 --> 00:36:36,737
- No.
- Oh, you will.
900
00:36:36,820 --> 00:36:38,822
Hang out by the bar.
901
00:36:41,909 --> 00:36:43,619
Monica looks beautiful.
902
00:36:43,702 --> 00:36:45,787
She's a nice girl.
903
00:36:45,871 --> 00:36:48,081
- She enjoys puzzles.
- Oh.
904
00:36:48,165 --> 00:36:49,917
- Neat.
- Yeah.
905
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:53,253
Neat. I bought her
a house in Beverly Hills.
906
00:36:53,337 --> 00:36:56,006
- Bought her a house?
- Well, I'm always traveling.
907
00:36:56,089 --> 00:36:58,383
- She likes oranges.
- You should get her
908
00:36:58,467 --> 00:37:00,510
a puzzle of an orange grove.
She'll lose her mind.
909
00:37:00,594 --> 00:37:03,472
First wedding anniversary gift,
covered.
910
00:37:03,555 --> 00:37:05,349
And look at you.
911
00:37:05,432 --> 00:37:07,809
A wedding, a dance, a song,
912
00:37:07,893 --> 00:37:10,103
- and you hardly break a sweat.
- Ah.
913
00:37:10,187 --> 00:37:12,356
The trick's keeping the fabric
on your clothes light.
914
00:37:12,439 --> 00:37:14,316
Nat King Cole taught me that.
915
00:37:14,399 --> 00:37:16,276
He didn't come.
916
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:18,570
I was looking around
for the gang.
917
00:37:18,654 --> 00:37:21,365
Lester, Tommy, Carole, Slim.
918
00:37:21,448 --> 00:37:24,326
- Got 'em locked up somewhere?
- Uh, no.
919
00:37:24,409 --> 00:37:26,828
- I have a new band.
- Why?
920
00:37:26,912 --> 00:37:28,497
I wanted a new sound.
921
00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:30,058
Because the old one
was such a disappointment.
922
00:37:30,082 --> 00:37:32,000
You got to keep things fresh.
923
00:37:32,084 --> 00:37:33,311
And they're
a really great group.
924
00:37:33,335 --> 00:37:34,896
You heard them out there.
They can really swing.
925
00:37:34,920 --> 00:37:37,673
Yeah. They sounded great.
926
00:37:37,756 --> 00:37:39,341
But you don't miss the gang?
927
00:37:39,424 --> 00:37:41,969
You all just seemed like family.
928
00:37:42,052 --> 00:37:43,512
You know what I miss?
929
00:37:43,595 --> 00:37:45,555
I miss your brisket.
930
00:37:45,639 --> 00:37:48,600
[chuckles] I have not had
a decent meal since the...
931
00:37:52,604 --> 00:37:55,565
Jack Ballard's
not much of a cook, huh?
932
00:37:55,649 --> 00:37:57,484
Jack Ballard's
not much of a comic, either.
933
00:37:57,567 --> 00:37:59,861
No. He's not.
934
00:37:59,945 --> 00:38:01,446
You had a good comic
for a while.
935
00:38:01,530 --> 00:38:02,906
Beginning of the tour.
936
00:38:02,990 --> 00:38:05,158
Who was that?
Trying to remember. Oh, yes.
937
00:38:05,242 --> 00:38:07,369
Me. What happened there?
938
00:38:07,452 --> 00:38:08,954
Trying to remember.
939
00:38:09,037 --> 00:38:12,582
I believe I can see a tarmac?
940
00:38:12,666 --> 00:38:15,043
And in the back there, a plane?
941
00:38:15,127 --> 00:38:16,646
- Was there a plane?
- There was a plane.
942
00:38:16,670 --> 00:38:19,631
That's right. That big thing
sitting there full of people.
943
00:38:19,715 --> 00:38:22,134
And it was missing
a couple of folks, right?
944
00:38:22,217 --> 00:38:25,053
- Was it?
- Yep. It was.
945
00:38:25,137 --> 00:38:27,222
You should've let me
on that plane, Shy.
946
00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:28,724
Oh, really? And why's that?
947
00:38:28,807 --> 00:38:30,118
Because I had
something to say to you.
948
00:38:30,142 --> 00:38:31,577
Oh, I bet you had
a lot to say to me.
949
00:38:31,601 --> 00:38:33,729
When you fire someone,
they get mighty chatty.
950
00:38:33,812 --> 00:38:35,063
Are you curious?
951
00:38:35,147 --> 00:38:36,541
What I would've said
if I'd gotten on the plane?
952
00:38:36,565 --> 00:38:37,750
Something about winged monkeys?
953
00:38:37,774 --> 00:38:39,735
I would've said
that I fucked up.
954
00:38:39,818 --> 00:38:41,570
I fucked up
955
00:38:41,653 --> 00:38:43,363
like I've never
fucked up anything
956
00:38:43,447 --> 00:38:45,490
in a life
not without its fuckups.
957
00:38:45,574 --> 00:38:48,160
I would've said
I was scared off my ass
958
00:38:48,243 --> 00:38:49,411
getting on that stage,
959
00:38:49,494 --> 00:38:51,496
and Moms Mabley
went on before me.
960
00:38:51,580 --> 00:38:52,998
Yeah, it's hard to follow Moms.
961
00:38:53,081 --> 00:38:54,332
I was desperate for that laugh.
962
00:38:54,416 --> 00:38:57,210
I was desperate
to just go out there and kill.
963
00:38:57,294 --> 00:38:59,087
I just thought...
964
00:38:59,171 --> 00:39:01,715
hometown crowd, talk about Shy.
965
00:39:01,798 --> 00:39:02,966
So I did.
966
00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:06,094
And I did kill,
which was my job,
967
00:39:06,178 --> 00:39:08,722
but I should have gone
in a different direction.
968
00:39:08,805 --> 00:39:10,724
"Shy gives a lot of money
969
00:39:10,807 --> 00:39:12,827
to abused children. In
other words, he pays his staff."
970
00:39:12,851 --> 00:39:14,746
"Before every concert, Shy
spends half an hour going..."
971
00:39:14,770 --> 00:39:15,896
♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi ♪ ♪
972
00:39:15,979 --> 00:39:17,981
"And then he starts
his vocal exercises."
973
00:39:18,065 --> 00:39:20,400
"Shy doesn't think
he's God's gift to the world,
974
00:39:20,484 --> 00:39:22,795
- but he does call his suits his wrapping paper."
- I get it.
975
00:39:22,819 --> 00:39:25,655
You are a treasure trove
of punch lines.
976
00:39:25,739 --> 00:39:28,200
But I never would have hurt you.
977
00:39:29,284 --> 00:39:31,912
Not on purpose.
Not for anything in the world.
978
00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:33,872
I thought we were friends.
979
00:39:33,955 --> 00:39:36,833
And I take my friendships
very seriously.
980
00:39:36,917 --> 00:39:40,462
I know how loaded
what I said was,
981
00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:42,255
and if I could take it back,
I would.
982
00:39:42,339 --> 00:39:44,508
If you had just let me
on that plane,
983
00:39:44,591 --> 00:39:46,551
I would have said I was sorry.
984
00:39:46,635 --> 00:39:49,179
And not to keep my job.
I'll get another job.
985
00:39:49,262 --> 00:39:54,017
But because I was
and still am truly sorry.
986
00:39:56,103 --> 00:39:57,854
If I'd have let you
on that plane,
987
00:39:57,938 --> 00:39:59,314
you would've brought Susie,
988
00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:01,775
and she would've tried
to stab me with a cheese knife.
989
00:40:01,858 --> 00:40:03,777
And I would have thrown myself
in front of you
990
00:40:03,860 --> 00:40:05,362
and taken the blow.
991
00:40:05,445 --> 00:40:06,863
And some Brie.
992
00:40:08,281 --> 00:40:09,866
Well...
993
00:40:11,868 --> 00:40:13,870
I sure have missed that brisket.
994
00:40:16,289 --> 00:40:18,458
I'll send Monica the recipe.
995
00:40:22,295 --> 00:40:25,423
You know, I'm back in the States
996
00:40:25,507 --> 00:40:27,175
for a while again next month.
997
00:40:27,259 --> 00:40:28,802
Cut another Christmas album.
998
00:40:28,885 --> 00:40:31,721
Hmm. I know what to get
my mother for Hanukkah.
999
00:40:31,805 --> 00:40:34,349
Maybe we could,
uh, get together,
1000
00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:37,144
have a drink.
I-I could take you to...
1001
00:40:37,227 --> 00:40:38,687
- No.
- No?
1002
00:40:38,770 --> 00:40:40,647
I'm not falling for that again.
1003
00:40:40,730 --> 00:40:42,607
We're not friends.
1004
00:40:42,691 --> 00:40:44,693
I have learned my lesson.
1005
00:40:48,697 --> 00:40:50,907
Congratulations.
1006
00:40:50,991 --> 00:40:54,744
I hope you're gonna be
very happy...
1007
00:40:54,828 --> 00:40:56,830
Dwayne.
1008
00:41:05,255 --> 00:41:06,756
That's what I'm saying.
1009
00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:09,134
- Can we get out of here?
- Yeah, sure.
1010
00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:11,136
Bye. Thanks for the croutons.
1011
00:41:11,219 --> 00:41:13,638
- I ate everybody's croutons.
- [woman] Who let them in?
1012
00:41:13,722 --> 00:41:16,224
Ladies,
would you come with us, please?
1013
00:41:16,308 --> 00:41:17,559
We have invites.
1014
00:41:17,642 --> 00:41:19,644
They checked them
at the door and everything.
1015
00:41:27,694 --> 00:41:28,945
He still there?
1016
00:41:29,029 --> 00:41:30,131
- [Midge] Yep.
- [Susie] He still big?
1017
00:41:30,155 --> 00:41:31,072
- [Midge] Yep.
- [Susie] Mm.
1018
00:41:31,156 --> 00:41:33,158
[indistinct chatter]
1019
00:41:40,207 --> 00:41:42,542
- Lou.
- Susie Myerson.
1020
00:41:42,626 --> 00:41:45,462
And Mrs. Maisel.
It's nice to see you.
1021
00:41:45,545 --> 00:41:47,732
- What is this, Lou?
- [Lou] I want you to meet my associate,
1022
00:41:47,756 --> 00:41:49,090
Ken Bruni.
1023
00:41:49,174 --> 00:41:51,509
Ken is Shy's new agent
over at MCA.
1024
00:41:51,593 --> 00:41:53,970
Very nice to meet you, ladies.
Enjoying the party?
1025
00:41:54,054 --> 00:41:56,556
- Up until our abduction, it was great.
- [Lou] [chuckles] Well,
1026
00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:57,766
we just wanted to say hello
1027
00:41:57,849 --> 00:42:00,477
and fill you in
on some exciting news.
1028
00:42:00,560 --> 00:42:03,230
Shy's going to be the lead
in Billy Wilder's next film.
1029
00:42:03,313 --> 00:42:04,648
Did you know he could act?
1030
00:42:04,731 --> 00:42:06,375
I thought today's performance
was pretty good.
1031
00:42:06,399 --> 00:42:07,859
[Lou] I'll cut to the chase.
1032
00:42:07,943 --> 00:42:09,486
Everyone here
1033
00:42:09,569 --> 00:42:12,155
is aware of Shy's proclivities.
1034
00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:15,784
But from now on,
we're gonna help him
1035
00:42:15,867 --> 00:42:17,136
to stay
on the straight and narrow.
1036
00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:19,329
Watch over him 24 hours a day.
1037
00:42:19,412 --> 00:42:21,706
- Isn't that what Reggie does?
- [Lou] Reggie's gone.
1038
00:42:21,790 --> 00:42:22,916
Gone?
1039
00:42:22,999 --> 00:42:24,501
- Holy shit.
- [Lou] Look,
1040
00:42:24,584 --> 00:42:26,962
he's a good guy, Reggie.
I like him.
1041
00:42:27,045 --> 00:42:28,922
But he's too close with Shy
1042
00:42:29,005 --> 00:42:31,132
to control him.
There's too much history.
1043
00:42:31,216 --> 00:42:33,843
- And too much history with the band, too, huh?
- [Ken] Exactly.
1044
00:42:33,927 --> 00:42:35,446
Shy fought it,
but eventually he realized
1045
00:42:35,470 --> 00:42:37,013
it was time
to chart a new course.
1046
00:42:37,097 --> 00:42:39,557
All this because I cracked
a couple Judy Garland jokes
1047
00:42:39,641 --> 00:42:41,142
- at the Apollo?
- [Lou] No,
1048
00:42:41,226 --> 00:42:43,061
no, this has been
a long time coming.
1049
00:42:43,144 --> 00:42:45,397
That night at the Apollo
just gave us an opening.
1050
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:46,690
So, thank you.
1051
00:42:46,773 --> 00:42:48,692
Reggie got Shy
to where he is now.
1052
00:42:48,775 --> 00:42:51,194
- You realize that?
- [Lou] Reggie's taken care of.
1053
00:42:51,278 --> 00:42:53,488
Big severance.
We threw him some publishing.
1054
00:42:53,571 --> 00:42:55,282
He's buying a house
in Westchester.
1055
00:42:55,365 --> 00:42:57,325
- Everybody's happy.
- [Susie] Oh, I bet.
1056
00:42:57,409 --> 00:42:59,053
'Cause when you think Reggie,
you think Westchester.
1057
00:42:59,077 --> 00:43:01,079
All right, Lou. Suit guy.
1058
00:43:01,162 --> 00:43:03,164
- Ken.
- Thanks for filling us in
1059
00:43:03,248 --> 00:43:04,684
on a bunch of stuff
we didn't give a fuck about.
1060
00:43:04,708 --> 00:43:05,792
Okay for us to go?
1061
00:43:05,875 --> 00:43:07,502
[Ken] Just another minute
of your time.
1062
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,297
We understand you and Shy
got pretty friendly on tour
1063
00:43:10,380 --> 00:43:12,215
and that maybe you saw
some things.
1064
00:43:12,299 --> 00:43:15,010
One thing in particular
that occurred on a boat.
1065
00:43:15,093 --> 00:43:17,637
We know that you thought
you were helping him,
1066
00:43:17,721 --> 00:43:19,532
so the way it ended up with you
on the tarmac that night,
1067
00:43:19,556 --> 00:43:22,309
it doesn't seem right.
We want to make it right.
1068
00:43:22,392 --> 00:43:23,852
Okay.
1069
00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:25,812
How does $2,000 sound?
1070
00:43:25,895 --> 00:43:27,689
Two thousand dollars? Wow.
1071
00:43:27,772 --> 00:43:30,442
- You want to give me $2,000?
- [Ken] In exchange
1072
00:43:30,525 --> 00:43:32,152
for your signature
on a legal agreement
1073
00:43:32,235 --> 00:43:34,696
stating that you won't disparage
or besmirch Shy Baldwin
1074
00:43:34,779 --> 00:43:37,032
in any way,
publicly or privately.
1075
00:43:37,115 --> 00:43:39,075
You invited me
so you could bribe me?
1076
00:43:39,159 --> 00:43:40,720
[Ken] It's not a bribe.
It's an agreement.
1077
00:43:40,744 --> 00:43:42,954
There is no way I would
ever take $2,000 from you.
1078
00:43:43,038 --> 00:43:45,874
Uh, yeah, right.
Fuck you and your $2,000.
1079
00:43:45,957 --> 00:43:48,335
- How about three?
- Miriam?
1080
00:43:48,418 --> 00:43:51,212
- Nope. Three? Forget it.
- [Ken] Five.
1081
00:43:51,296 --> 00:43:53,423
Now, this is getting
very interesting.
1082
00:43:53,506 --> 00:43:55,717
- Keep it.
- Yep.
1083
00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:58,636
We thought about it.
Not fucking interested.
1084
00:43:58,720 --> 00:44:00,805
- Ten.
- Okay, Miriam, that's a car.
1085
00:44:00,889 --> 00:44:03,475
Three cars
or one big, fancy German car.
1086
00:44:03,558 --> 00:44:05,685
- A shiny, nazi Mercedes.
- No.
1087
00:44:05,769 --> 00:44:07,729
- No.
- Fuck! No.
1088
00:44:07,812 --> 00:44:09,314
Last and best. Twelve.
1089
00:44:09,397 --> 00:44:11,274
Oh, are there harps
playing somewhere?
1090
00:44:11,358 --> 00:44:12,984
- I'm hearing harps.
- We're done here.
1091
00:44:13,068 --> 00:44:14,194
- We are?
- Yes.
1092
00:44:14,277 --> 00:44:15,338
- Come on.
- [Ken] We'd like you
1093
00:44:15,362 --> 00:44:16,602
to reconsider. The offer's gone
1094
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:17,798
as soon as
you walk out the door.
1095
00:44:17,822 --> 00:44:19,300
I promised Shy
I would never tell anyone
1096
00:44:19,324 --> 00:44:20,509
about that night, and I haven't.
1097
00:44:20,533 --> 00:44:22,327
I promised Shy.
1098
00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:24,245
[Susie] Let's go.
1099
00:44:24,329 --> 00:44:26,057
- Unless you want to...
- I want nothing from them.
1100
00:44:26,081 --> 00:44:28,917
Yep, me, neither.
Let's go. Fuck you.
1101
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:30,502
Stupid idea to come here.
1102
00:44:30,585 --> 00:44:32,837
- Was that aimed at me?
- No. Yes.
1103
00:44:32,921 --> 00:44:35,590
- This was your idea.
- My idea? If it wasn't for you,
1104
00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:36,942
I wouldn't have found
my invite to this thing
1105
00:44:36,966 --> 00:44:38,968
for, like, ten months,
so this is your fault.
1106
00:44:39,052 --> 00:44:40,553
Fuck it.
We're getting gift bags.
1107
00:44:40,637 --> 00:44:43,181
That's tacky. I bet there's not
even anything good...
1108
00:44:43,264 --> 00:44:44,891
Oh, my God, it's Chanel No. 5.
1109
00:44:44,974 --> 00:44:47,102
- Get one for Grandma Mary.
- Who?
1110
00:44:47,185 --> 00:44:49,354
Our grandmother
who couldn't come tonight
1111
00:44:49,437 --> 00:44:51,689
but was also invited
and loves Chanel No. 5.
1112
00:44:51,773 --> 00:44:54,192
- Got it.
- I'll meet you outside.
1113
00:45:13,086 --> 00:45:15,338
- Where the hell were you?
- I was looking for a cab.
1114
00:45:15,422 --> 00:45:17,173
You told me,
"Meet me out front."
1115
00:45:17,257 --> 00:45:18,776
There weren't any cabs
out front, so I thought
1116
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,069
I'd go around the corner
because I remembered
1117
00:45:20,093 --> 00:45:21,320
that whenever I shop
at Bergdorf's,
1118
00:45:21,344 --> 00:45:22,905
I always go out the side door
to grab a cab
1119
00:45:22,929 --> 00:45:25,157
- before they turn onto Fifth.
- I got this cab on Fifth.
1120
00:45:25,181 --> 00:45:26,808
Well, it's not a foolproof plan.
1121
00:45:26,891 --> 00:45:28,309
Just get in the goddamn car.
1122
00:45:28,393 --> 00:45:29,978
Next time, I leave you here.
1123
00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:42,198
[sighs]
1124
00:45:50,915 --> 00:45:52,834
[indistinct chatter]
1125
00:45:52,917 --> 00:45:55,253
♪ Baby...
1126
00:45:55,336 --> 00:45:57,589
- The till's over.
- Over?
1127
00:45:57,672 --> 00:45:59,507
That's not possible.
I did the count myself.
1128
00:45:59,591 --> 00:46:01,111
I counted twice.
There's an extra five.
1129
00:46:01,176 --> 00:46:02,886
Give it. I must've screwed up.
1130
00:46:02,969 --> 00:46:04,572
- Thanks for catching it.
- [cash register dings]
1131
00:46:04,596 --> 00:46:07,724
- You know this guy?
- Pop. What are you doing here?
1132
00:46:07,807 --> 00:46:09,058
I was in the area
1133
00:46:09,142 --> 00:46:11,019
seeing one of my notions
and trimmings guys
1134
00:46:11,102 --> 00:46:12,187
and thought I'd stop by.
1135
00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:13,747
Well, come on in.
I'll spot you a drink.
1136
00:46:13,771 --> 00:46:15,190
Place looks good.
1137
00:46:15,273 --> 00:46:18,902
The decor, the ambience.
Very impressive.
1138
00:46:18,985 --> 00:46:21,154
Last time I was here,
it was covered in buttons.
1139
00:46:21,237 --> 00:46:23,698
- Couple of whiskies for me and my pop.
- You got it, boss.
1140
00:46:23,781 --> 00:46:25,575
"Boss."
I like the sound of that.
1141
00:46:25,658 --> 00:46:28,119
- It does not get old.
- You know that the key
1142
00:46:28,203 --> 00:46:31,080
to a great relationship
with your employees is respect.
1143
00:46:31,164 --> 00:46:32,916
In order for them
to be productive,
1144
00:46:32,999 --> 00:46:34,685
they got to think
you trust them unconditionally.
1145
00:46:34,709 --> 00:46:36,549
- Absolutely.
- But every one of them's a thief,
1146
00:46:36,586 --> 00:46:38,254
- so don't trust a single one.
- I know.
1147
00:46:38,338 --> 00:46:40,715
I put an extra five in the till,
and he called it out.
1148
00:46:40,798 --> 00:46:43,176
And didn't pocket it.
That means he's a keeper.
1149
00:46:43,259 --> 00:46:45,386
- I was taught by the best.
- [chuckles]
1150
00:46:45,470 --> 00:46:46,888
Thanks.
1151
00:46:46,971 --> 00:46:48,640
Any chance
your girlfriend's around?
1152
00:46:48,723 --> 00:46:51,309
No. It's crunch time
at school for her.
1153
00:46:51,392 --> 00:46:53,770
- Always with the books.
- In the summer?
1154
00:46:53,853 --> 00:46:55,939
- It's medical school.
- Medical school.
1155
00:46:56,022 --> 00:46:57,148
Well, well, well.
1156
00:46:57,232 --> 00:46:59,234
She sounds interesting,
this girl.
1157
00:46:59,317 --> 00:47:01,069
She is. She's great.
1158
00:47:01,152 --> 00:47:03,988
With a lot of different sides
to her. Conflicting sides.
1159
00:47:04,072 --> 00:47:06,241
- What?
- Well, the other night,
1160
00:47:06,324 --> 00:47:07,718
the first half of dinner,
she was Rachel,
1161
00:47:07,742 --> 00:47:09,369
sometime before kugel,
she was Rebecca,
1162
00:47:09,452 --> 00:47:11,372
after kugel she was Ruth.
You kept them biblical.
1163
00:47:11,412 --> 00:47:13,164
- That was nice.
- I was nervous.
1164
00:47:13,248 --> 00:47:15,792
- And I corrected myself.
You remember that, right? - I do.
1165
00:47:15,875 --> 00:47:17,394
Just trying to think
when was the last time
1166
00:47:17,418 --> 00:47:19,128
I called Shirley
Sheila or Trudy.
1167
00:47:19,212 --> 00:47:21,130
Or had to think
for a couple of seconds
1168
00:47:21,214 --> 00:47:22,715
when somebody asked how we met.
1169
00:47:22,799 --> 00:47:24,842
Ma's questions come
pretty fast and furious, Pop.
1170
00:47:24,926 --> 00:47:26,636
- You know that.
- Mm-hmm.
1171
00:47:26,719 --> 00:47:28,596
Listen, so you know,
1172
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:30,890
what I know
is all I need to know.
1173
00:47:30,974 --> 00:47:33,601
- I don't know.
- You like her.
1174
00:47:33,685 --> 00:47:35,728
That's all I know.
That's all I need to know.
1175
00:47:35,812 --> 00:47:39,399
But keep in mind
your mother is very excited
1176
00:47:39,482 --> 00:47:40,817
about Rachel Rebecca Ruth,
1177
00:47:40,900 --> 00:47:42,694
and when she gets excited
about something
1178
00:47:42,777 --> 00:47:44,195
and that something
disappoints her,
1179
00:47:44,279 --> 00:47:46,239
our house
gets very small and loud.
1180
00:47:46,322 --> 00:47:48,074
- I get it.
- The good news is
1181
00:47:48,157 --> 00:47:50,326
your dinner appearance
got you a little reprieve
1182
00:47:50,410 --> 00:47:51,570
from her trying to set you up
1183
00:47:51,619 --> 00:47:53,538
with every single Jewish girl
she sees,
1184
00:47:53,621 --> 00:47:55,248
including your cousin Rachel.
1185
00:47:55,331 --> 00:47:57,125
You can start answering
your phone again.
1186
00:47:57,208 --> 00:47:58,459
Great.
1187
00:47:58,543 --> 00:48:00,753
So, there really is a girl?
1188
00:48:00,837 --> 00:48:02,880
- Yes. There really is.
- Okay.
1189
00:48:02,964 --> 00:48:05,133
That's all I need to know.
For now.
1190
00:48:05,216 --> 00:48:07,218
You got to open.
I'll see you around.
1191
00:48:07,302 --> 00:48:09,262
- Thank you.
- How many are you?
1192
00:48:09,345 --> 00:48:11,265
[♪ Dinah Washington:
"TV Is the Thing This Year"]
1193
00:48:11,347 --> 00:48:12,974
Welcome to The Button Club,
folks!
1194
00:48:13,057 --> 00:48:15,226
- [chuckles] Benny, who's your pal?
- Hey.
1195
00:48:15,310 --> 00:48:17,979
♪ If you want to have fun,
come home with me ♪
1196
00:48:18,062 --> 00:48:21,274
♪ You can stay all night
and play with my TV ♪
1197
00:48:21,357 --> 00:48:24,444
♪ TV is the thing this year,
this year ♪
1198
00:48:24,527 --> 00:48:27,030
♪ TV is the thing this year ♪
1199
00:48:27,113 --> 00:48:30,533
♪ Radio was great,
now it's out of date...
1200
00:48:30,617 --> 00:48:33,244
How you feeling?
Feeling good? Feeling strong?
1201
00:48:33,328 --> 00:48:35,038
[mouthing]
1202
00:48:35,121 --> 00:48:37,040
Are you trying to speak?
1203
00:48:37,123 --> 00:48:39,459
Tell me you did not
lose your fucking voice.
1204
00:48:39,542 --> 00:48:41,294
I need to hear you
say something.
1205
00:48:41,377 --> 00:48:43,212
I want to go home now.
1206
00:48:43,296 --> 00:48:45,048
All right, then,
you're good to go.
1207
00:48:45,131 --> 00:48:49,010
In five, four, three, two...
1208
00:48:49,093 --> 00:48:50,762
Welcome back. Our next guest
1209
00:48:50,845 --> 00:48:52,972
is no stranger to you.
Or to plates.
1210
00:48:53,056 --> 00:48:54,432
It's the comedienne
Sophie Lennon,
1211
00:48:54,515 --> 00:48:56,142
but don't turn that dial...
1212
00:48:56,225 --> 00:48:58,269
- That's nice.
- ...because this is going to be
1213
00:48:58,353 --> 00:48:59,979
a fascinating conversation.
1214
00:49:00,063 --> 00:49:01,863
I'm gonna make sure.
Come on out here, Sophie.
1215
00:49:01,939 --> 00:49:03,941
- ♪ ♪
- [applause]
1216
00:49:10,239 --> 00:49:11,658
[mouths]
1217
00:49:18,665 --> 00:49:21,459
So... Sophie Lennon.
1218
00:49:21,542 --> 00:49:24,462
Just how nutsy whacko are you?
1219
00:49:24,545 --> 00:49:26,506
[audience murmuring]
1220
00:49:29,425 --> 00:49:31,761
I believe the official diagnosis
1221
00:49:31,844 --> 00:49:34,806
was "crazier
than an outhouse rat."
1222
00:49:34,889 --> 00:49:37,100
[laughter]
1223
00:49:37,183 --> 00:49:38,601
- Good girl.
- [Gordon] Well,
1224
00:49:38,685 --> 00:49:40,537
my producers told me you'd be
forthcoming this evening.
1225
00:49:40,561 --> 00:49:42,563
- So far, so good.
- Great. So I can go now?
1226
00:49:42,647 --> 00:49:44,875
- You sit right back down now, lady.
You're not going anywhere. - Oh.
1227
00:49:44,899 --> 00:49:46,210
In fact, you and I
are gonna play a game.
1228
00:49:46,234 --> 00:49:48,403
- Ooh, a game.
- Just a little True or False.
1229
00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:50,506
I had my staff write down
some of the various rumors
1230
00:49:50,530 --> 00:49:52,508
we've heard about you
over the years, and there are
1231
00:49:52,532 --> 00:49:54,158
a lot of them. So,
1232
00:49:54,242 --> 00:49:56,220
I'm gonna read them, and you
are gonna say if they are true
1233
00:49:56,244 --> 00:49:58,204
- or false. - Have at it.
- Here we go.
1234
00:49:58,287 --> 00:49:59,640
[Gordon] Frank Sinatra
wrote a song about you.
1235
00:49:59,664 --> 00:50:01,541
False. But it is true
that I'm a tramp.
1236
00:50:01,624 --> 00:50:04,377
- [laughter]
- You once saved the life of a total stranger
1237
00:50:04,460 --> 00:50:06,337
- choking in a restaurant.
- False.
1238
00:50:06,421 --> 00:50:08,047
But I'm the one
who made up that rumor,
1239
00:50:08,131 --> 00:50:09,817
and I'm glad to hear
it's still going around.
1240
00:50:09,841 --> 00:50:12,635
- [laughter]
- You own a 300-acre ranch in Montana.
1241
00:50:12,719 --> 00:50:14,971
[chuckles]
Honestly, who doesn't?
1242
00:50:15,054 --> 00:50:17,598
- [laughter]
- [Gordon] You punched Olivia de Havilland.
1243
00:50:17,682 --> 00:50:19,142
- She had it coming.
- [laughter]
1244
00:50:19,225 --> 00:50:21,561
- You punched Humphrey Bogart.
- Cried harder than Olivia.
1245
00:50:21,644 --> 00:50:23,646
- [laughter]
- You're an addict.
1246
00:50:23,730 --> 00:50:26,899
- [audience gasps]
- With multiple addictions.
1247
00:50:26,983 --> 00:50:29,819
It's a long list.
You want to see it?
1248
00:50:34,073 --> 00:50:36,701
- No, Gordon, this is dead wrong.
- [Gordon] It is.
1249
00:50:36,784 --> 00:50:41,330
I can stop numbers three
and nine whenever I want.
1250
00:50:41,414 --> 00:50:43,249
[laughter]
1251
00:50:43,332 --> 00:50:45,835
[Gordon] Ah. Well,
1252
00:50:45,918 --> 00:50:47,730
- it's good to know there's no need to worry, then.
- Mm.
1253
00:50:47,754 --> 00:50:50,006
You believe in intelligent life
on other planets.
1254
00:50:50,089 --> 00:50:51,466
False. If there's none here,
1255
00:50:51,549 --> 00:50:53,402
why would there be
intelligent life anywhere else?
1256
00:50:53,426 --> 00:50:55,386
- [laughter]
- [Gordon] Very true. Next card.
1257
00:50:55,470 --> 00:50:58,514
Um, you provide financially
for your 85-year-old mother.
1258
00:50:58,598 --> 00:51:00,075
- Yes, that is true.
- And in exchange,
1259
00:51:00,099 --> 00:51:01,309
you have her do the ironing.
1260
00:51:01,392 --> 00:51:02,786
[Sophie] Well,
when you stop working,
1261
00:51:02,810 --> 00:51:04,530
- you start dying.
- [Rose and Abe laughing]
1262
00:51:04,604 --> 00:51:06,773
That part is not true,
to be clear.
1263
00:51:06,856 --> 00:51:08,733
[Gordon] You forbid
your employees
1264
00:51:08,816 --> 00:51:10,210
- from wearing certain perfumes...
- [knock on door]
1265
00:51:10,234 --> 00:51:12,612
- I'll get it.
- But you'll miss the show.
1266
00:51:12,695 --> 00:51:15,281
There should be a way
to pause this.
1267
00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:17,742
Like, you have a separate box
1268
00:51:17,825 --> 00:51:20,203
recording the picture
and sound simultaneously.
1269
00:51:20,286 --> 00:51:23,039
It should be able
to rewind, too.
1270
00:51:23,122 --> 00:51:24,957
[Sophie] That's funny.
1271
00:51:25,041 --> 00:51:27,084
You once canceled a performance
1272
00:51:27,168 --> 00:51:28,437
because you couldn't find
your Seconal.
1273
00:51:28,461 --> 00:51:29,962
[Sophie] Uh, no, I could find
1274
00:51:30,046 --> 00:51:32,632
- my Seconal. I just couldn't find the stage.
- [Abe laughing]
1275
00:51:34,217 --> 00:51:36,719
Oh, that's lovely.
1276
00:51:36,803 --> 00:51:38,763
[laughter and applause]
1277
00:51:38,846 --> 00:51:42,350
It wasn't my fault.
[chuckles]
1278
00:51:42,433 --> 00:51:45,561
Oh! Uh, sorry.
My stage manager, Maury,
1279
00:51:45,645 --> 00:51:47,164
is either practicing
for his dance recital,
1280
00:51:47,188 --> 00:51:49,374
or he's motioning to me that
it's time for our next guest.
1281
00:51:49,398 --> 00:51:51,359
But this being
The Gordon Ford Show
1282
00:51:51,442 --> 00:51:53,569
and my being Gordon Ford,
I am making the decision
1283
00:51:53,653 --> 00:51:55,822
to bump our next guest
because I want to keep talking
1284
00:51:55,905 --> 00:51:57,341
to Sophie.
Is that okay with you, folks?
1285
00:51:57,365 --> 00:51:59,450
[Sophie chuckles]
1286
00:51:59,534 --> 00:52:01,595
- You got some more time for me, Sophie?
- Oh, I can even stay
1287
00:52:01,619 --> 00:52:03,287
and clean up afterwards
if you want me to.
1288
00:52:03,371 --> 00:52:05,248
[laughter]
1289
00:52:05,331 --> 00:52:08,376
So... what happened
that night, Sophie?
1290
00:52:08,459 --> 00:52:10,753
The night
of your big Broadway debut?
1291
00:52:12,505 --> 00:52:13,673
Hmm.
1292
00:52:13,756 --> 00:52:15,883
- I got scared.
- [Gordon] Well,
1293
00:52:15,967 --> 00:52:17,069
I think
we can all understand that.
1294
00:52:17,093 --> 00:52:18,469
You were afraid that you'd fail?
1295
00:52:19,554 --> 00:52:21,305
I think I was afraid
I'd be good.
1296
00:52:21,389 --> 00:52:23,766
- [laughter]
- It's not a joke.
1297
00:52:23,850 --> 00:52:25,601
I was ready for that chance.
1298
00:52:25,685 --> 00:52:28,604
I rehearsed and rehearsed,
and...
1299
00:52:28,688 --> 00:52:33,109
You ever feel so close
to something you really want,
1300
00:52:33,192 --> 00:52:37,280
so close that
you just can't stand it,
1301
00:52:37,363 --> 00:52:40,616
so you destroy it?
You-you blow it all up?
1302
00:52:40,700 --> 00:52:42,618
No.
1303
00:52:42,702 --> 00:52:45,913
Well, I glad you haven't,
and I hope you never will.
1304
00:52:45,997 --> 00:52:48,958
Hmm. Put that
on your plate, gang.
1305
00:52:49,041 --> 00:52:50,227
- [audience chuckles]
- Let's take a short break.
1306
00:52:50,251 --> 00:52:51,520
You're watching
The Gordon Ford Show.
1307
00:52:51,544 --> 00:52:53,546
- [laughter and applause]
- ♪ ♪
1308
00:52:57,341 --> 00:52:59,677
- [laughter]
- [Sophie] I told you so.
1309
00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:02,096
- [Gordon laughs]
- Right?
1310
00:53:02,179 --> 00:53:04,181
- All right. One last question.
- Indeed.
1311
00:53:04,265 --> 00:53:06,726
- Yes. Mm-hmm.
- On behalf of millions,
1312
00:53:06,809 --> 00:53:09,186
are we ever gonna see
Sophie from Queens again?
1313
00:53:09,270 --> 00:53:10,938
Sophie from Queens?
1314
00:53:11,022 --> 00:53:13,024
[laughter and applause]
1315
00:53:14,191 --> 00:53:16,277
Hey. Heck,
1316
00:53:16,360 --> 00:53:18,029
Sophie's having a comeback!
1317
00:53:18,112 --> 00:53:21,198
She's running after her career,
yelling, "Come back!"
1318
00:53:21,282 --> 00:53:23,701
[laughter and applause]
1319
00:53:23,784 --> 00:53:25,745
But, you know,
1320
00:53:25,828 --> 00:53:29,665
I would like my fans
to get to know me, Gordon.
1321
00:53:29,749 --> 00:53:31,834
I'd like for them
to spend some time
1322
00:53:31,918 --> 00:53:33,586
with the real Sophie Lennon.
1323
00:53:33,669 --> 00:53:35,338
She's fun, too.
1324
00:53:35,421 --> 00:53:37,461
Well, you've been a lot of fun
here tonight, Sophie.
1325
00:53:37,506 --> 00:53:40,176
A real gamer.
You are a true legend
1326
00:53:40,259 --> 00:53:41,928
in this business.
And who here is perfect?
1327
00:53:42,011 --> 00:53:44,388
Certainly not me. Took
a lot of guts to come out here
1328
00:53:44,472 --> 00:53:45,949
and talk with me today,
and I want to thank you.
1329
00:53:45,973 --> 00:53:47,576
I look forward to seeing
what you're doing next,
1330
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:48,976
'cause I will be watching.
1331
00:53:49,060 --> 00:53:50,579
- Sophie Lennon, everyone.
- [cheering and applause]
1332
00:53:50,603 --> 00:53:53,564
Thank you. Thank you so much.
1333
00:53:57,318 --> 00:53:59,487
[woman] We love you, Sophie!
1334
00:53:59,570 --> 00:54:00,988
[elevator bell chimes]
1335
00:54:02,156 --> 00:54:03,491
Who are you?
1336
00:54:03,574 --> 00:54:05,576
I'm here for the interview.
I had a 4:00.
1337
00:54:05,660 --> 00:54:06,661
- Today?
- Yeah.
1338
00:54:06,744 --> 00:54:07,745
Fuck.
1339
00:54:07,828 --> 00:54:08,996
You do need a secretary.
1340
00:54:09,080 --> 00:54:10,456
You've been here since 4:00?
1341
00:54:10,539 --> 00:54:12,333
3:30. I didn't want to be late.
1342
00:54:12,416 --> 00:54:13,668
Wow.
1343
00:54:13,751 --> 00:54:16,170
You've been waiting
for seven hours?
1344
00:54:17,338 --> 00:54:19,715
- Okay, you're hired.
- I am?
1345
00:54:19,799 --> 00:54:21,079
Congratulations.
You want a beer?
1346
00:54:21,133 --> 00:54:22,760
Do I still get the job
if I say no?
1347
00:54:22,843 --> 00:54:25,012
- Yep. You start tomorrow.
- What time?
1348
00:54:25,096 --> 00:54:27,348
I don't know.
What time do jobs start?
1349
00:54:27,431 --> 00:54:29,767
You're probably sleeping late,
so 10:00?
1350
00:54:29,850 --> 00:54:31,018
Good call.
1351
00:54:31,102 --> 00:54:32,687
- See you tomorrow.
- Hey,
1352
00:54:32,770 --> 00:54:34,331
your first job is gonna be
to tell all those other broads
1353
00:54:34,355 --> 00:54:36,357
- they didn't get the job.
- Fine by me.
1354
00:54:36,440 --> 00:54:39,235
- Make it 10:30.
- See you at noon.
1355
00:54:39,318 --> 00:54:41,612
- [elevator door closes]
- Hey, wait, what's your name?
1356
00:54:41,696 --> 00:54:43,739
[elevator whirring]
1357
00:54:47,118 --> 00:54:49,370
You taking Eighth?
There's construction on Eighth.
1358
00:54:49,453 --> 00:54:50,538
I'm not taking Eighth.
1359
00:54:50,621 --> 00:54:51,831
Huh. Felt you turn right.
1360
00:54:51,914 --> 00:54:53,058
That would put you on Eighth.
1361
00:54:53,082 --> 00:54:54,667
Oh, look at that.
You're on Eighth.
1362
00:54:54,750 --> 00:54:57,169
- Get off of Eighth?
- Yes, ma'am.
1363
00:54:59,171 --> 00:55:01,924
- Wait. Wait, stop.
- What?
1364
00:55:02,008 --> 00:55:04,677
Pull over. Shit.
1365
00:55:04,760 --> 00:55:06,762
[♪ The Bangles:
"Hero Takes a Fall"]
1366
00:55:11,892 --> 00:55:14,645
♪ The hero is exposed when ♪
1367
00:55:14,729 --> 00:55:17,857
♪ His crimes are brought
to the light of day ♪
1368
00:55:17,940 --> 00:55:20,776
♪ Won't be feeling sorry,
sorry, sorry ♪
1369
00:55:20,860 --> 00:55:23,863
♪ On the judgment day ♪
1370
00:55:23,946 --> 00:55:27,116
♪ Wasn't it me who said ♪
1371
00:55:27,199 --> 00:55:29,326
♪ There'd be a price to pay ♪
1372
00:55:29,410 --> 00:55:32,121
♪ And I won't feel bad at all ♪
1373
00:55:32,204 --> 00:55:35,416
♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪
1374
00:55:35,499 --> 00:55:41,505
♪ When the hero
takes a fall ♪
1375
00:55:45,134 --> 00:55:48,345
♪ Your mother told you stories ♪
1376
00:55:48,429 --> 00:55:51,640
♪ You substitute
with girls who tell you more ♪
1377
00:55:51,724 --> 00:55:54,560
♪ Suddenly your sycophants
are chanting ♪
1378
00:55:54,643 --> 00:55:57,271
♪ Slogans at your door ♪
1379
00:55:57,354 --> 00:56:00,775
♪ We're seeing through you now ♪
1380
00:56:00,858 --> 00:56:03,110
♪ I saw it all before ♪
1381
00:56:03,194 --> 00:56:06,030
♪ And I won't feel bad at all ♪
1382
00:56:06,113 --> 00:56:09,200
♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪
1383
00:56:09,283 --> 00:56:15,456
♪ When the hero
takes a fall ♪
1384
00:56:24,048 --> 00:56:27,384
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
1385
00:56:27,468 --> 00:56:30,054
♪ Oh, oh ♪
1386
00:56:30,137 --> 00:56:33,474
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
1387
00:56:33,557 --> 00:56:36,227
♪ Oh, oh ♪
1388
00:56:36,310 --> 00:56:39,605
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
1389
00:56:39,688 --> 00:56:42,024
♪ Oh, oh ♪
1390
00:56:46,821 --> 00:56:49,865
♪ Emotion is a virtue ♪
1391
00:56:49,949 --> 00:56:52,743
♪ For you,
it is the one fatal flaw ♪
1392
00:56:52,827 --> 00:56:55,121
♪ Sitting on your throne
and drinking ♪
1393
00:56:55,204 --> 00:56:58,916
♪ Thinking
she'll return your call ♪
1394
00:56:58,999 --> 00:57:02,378
♪ Every story's got an ending ♪
1395
00:57:02,461 --> 00:57:04,588
♪ Look out, here it comes,
here it comes ♪
1396
00:57:04,672 --> 00:57:07,716
♪ And I won't feel bad at all ♪
1397
00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:10,845
♪ When the hero takes a fall ♪
1398
00:57:10,928 --> 00:57:17,928
♪ When the hero
takes a fall ♪
1399
00:57:19,770 --> 00:57:22,773
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
1400
00:57:22,857 --> 00:57:24,316
♪ Oh, oh ♪
1401
00:57:25,860 --> 00:57:28,946
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
1402
00:57:29,029 --> 00:57:30,447
♪ Oh, oh ♪ ♪