(SIGHS)
(GASPS)
(SHRIEKS)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
(CLOCK TICKING)
(BEEPING)
(WHIRRING)
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
WENDY: Walter, have you seen my tweezers?
(OBJECT CLATTERING)
(CLATTERS)
(SIGHS)
(TIMER BEEPING)
(BEEPING STOPS)
Um, sorry. Did you need that mug?
(SIGHS) I needed that coffee.
So...
TOY: (ON SPEAKERS) Unitee. ...what you making, bud?
A gadget for you
to wear on patrol. Oh.
It's the perfect tool to keep you safe.
This button makes a really loud sound
to incapacitate your enemies. (BEEPS)
(IMITATES SIREN WAILING) (CHUCKLES)
Like that.
This one can wrap you in an inflatable hug
SO no one can hurt you. A-ha.
And this one is for when you're outnumbered.
You just hold out your hand and say, "Stop!"
And boom!
Glitter cloud!
And the bad guys will leave you alone.
Oh! Because glitter makes people happy?
Because the refracted light
causes the enterochromaffin cells
to release serotonin.
Yeah, glitter makes people happy.
Let's try it out.
Remember how you told me
not to take apart your cell phone?
(GASPS) Walter Beckett, you took apart my...
Still wanna kill me?
No. Just the opposite.
Then it works!
I also wanna add some kitten visuals
to trigger the orbitofrontal cortex.
DISPATCHER: (ON RADIO) 11-A-25,
Code Six, 104 North.
Hon, I gotta go.
Time for my shift.
Be good for Gram, okay?
Uh, I'll come with you.
I can finish this on the way.
You won't even know I'm there.
(CHUCKLES) What you need to do is get ready for school.
Oh, Mom, school's boring.
And the kids think I'm weird.
Weird?
Hey, look at me.
What's wrong with weird?
The world needs weird.
Listen, I'm out there keeping the neighborhood safe.
But one day, your ideas...
your gadgets...
are gonna keep the world safe.
And everybody will wish they were as weird as you.
You think?
I know.
Now, give me a non-inflatable hug.
Love you, partner.
I promise I'll always have your back.
Team Weird?
Team Weird.
(PIGEON COOS) (SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(BLOWING)
(MAN SHUDDERS)
Man, it's cold!
Hey, fellas.
(GREETS IN JAPANESE)
(IN ENGLISH) Special Agent Lance Sterling.
How you livin'?
(BOTH SHOUTING IN JAPANESE)
Whoa, okay, okay.
Everybody good?
I'm just gonna take his gun
and I'm gonna toss it to that snowman.
And while you're both looking all confused,
trying to figure out what's going on...
I'm just gonna knock you out. BOTH: Huh?
(BOTH GROAN)
(PIGEON COOS)
(EXCREMENT SPLATTERS) Ugh.
He didn't deserve that.
Rats with wings.
(ON SPEAKERS) I'm in position.
What is your situation?
Just getting a visual...
NOW.
JOYLESS: 70 o'clock.
LANCE: Katsu Kimura.
Everybody's favorite arms dealer.
JOYLESS: There. That briefcase iS your objective.
Inside is the M9 Assassin.
The first semi-autonomous attack drone,
powered by atmospheric energy.
Never shuts down,
never stops pursuing its target.
They stole it from our covert weapons lab.
(COMPUTER BEEPING) Uh, Director Jenkins,
he's got incoming.
Detecting 70 extra hostiles around the perimeter.
(SIGHS) I don't want another mess like Kyrgyzstan.
Lance, listen to me. You've got 70 yakuza incoming.
Stand down.
LANCE: (SCOFFS) That's better odds than I usually get.
No! Do not engage.
This time, you need to wait for the backup team.
(SCOFFS) Team?
I fly solo.
Wait. Lance, listen to... (STATIC FEEDBACK)
(CLEARS THROAT) I think he cut off...
I get it! Yeah, great,
that's right. Sorry. (JOYLESS SIGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(LAUGHS)
(GROANS) (THUDS)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING CONTINUES)
(EXCLAIMS)
(YELLING) (CHOKING)
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
The buyer is here. Go!
LANCE: Huh.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
LANCE: Uh-oh.
Guess it's time to introduce myself.
(BEEPING)
Huh? (YELLS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMING)
You know how you can tell
when you're the world's greatest spy?
(GROANS FRUSTRATEDLY) Sterling.
Lance Sterling.
Everyone knows the name.
I'mma need that case.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
Over my dead body.
(GRUNTS)
(YELLING)
(GROANS)
(CHUCKLES) Just 3 ounces of pressure to the vagus nerve...
and then look at your boy.
Sleepy night-night. (CHUCKLES)
Hey, you mind giving me a hand?
(SCOFFS)
Hey, come on.
What was it? The hand joke?
(WHIRRING)
(LANCE GRUNTS)
(CHOKING)
You don't remember me, do you?
What can I say? I meet a lot of bad guys.
I'm gonna show you pain that you can't imagine.
(LANCE GRUNTS)
(YELLS) (LANCE GASPS)
(ALL YELLING)
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
Make it hurt.
(GRUNTS) I don't think that subtitle was in my favor.
Okay. Oh, okay.
You wanna do it the hard way? Let's go, then.
Let's do it the hard way.
(ALL YELLING)
It's about to get messy.
(CAT MEOWING)
ALL: Aw.
What the...
(COO0S)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(LANCE GASPS)
Ooh.
(SCREAMS)
(GROANING)
(BEEPING)
Hey, don't take the loss so hard.
I mean, you did great.
And you got to meet Lance Sterling.
(PIGEONS SQUAWKING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(ENGINE ROARING)
GERALDINE: Next. Okay, put everything in the bin.
Yes, come through. (COMPUTER CHIMES)
Oh! He's coming. WOMAN: Wow. Here he comes!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Yes,
your eyes aren't deceiving you.
Yep, it's him.
Thank you, thank you.
MAN: Looking good, Agent Sterling!
Hey, not looking so bad yourself.
(CHEERING CONTINUES) Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, you know what? Go ahead back to work.
It's too much.
It's probably the right amount.
(ALL LAUGH) But still go back to work.
Still go back to work.
You're so crazy. (CHUCKLING)
DAVE: What's up, Sterling?
Lucas!
DAVE: My name's Dave.
There you go. Good to see you.
AGENTS: Morning, sir.
Fellas, give it to me.
Dude, did you see that? Never wash that hand again.
I feel stronger. Like, I legit feel stronger.
Can I hold it? Yeah.
LANCE: Dude from Accounting. Thanks for the win, Sterling.
Keep my money right. Keep my money right.
Go ahead, man. All right.
AGENT: Hey, welcome back, Lance.
Thank you, thank you.
(CATS MEOWING)
Aw, he's the most adorable agent ever!
(SIGHS) Somebody gonna get it.
(MACHINERY WHIRRING)
(PANTING)
(BEEPS RAPIDLY)
Oh! Agent Sterling.
Walter Beckett.
TECHNICIAN: (COUGHING) Weirdo.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
TOY: (ON SPEAKERS) Unitee loves you.
WALTER: All right, Unitee.
(BEEPS) Imagine...
a hydrothermal explosion is about to melt your face off.
But what's this?
A gadget that can surround you in a pressurized pocket
of safety? (BEEPS)
"Can it work?" It hasn't yet, but maybe.
Here we go. (TOILET FLUSHES)
Session number nine, test 30... Oh!
Oh, hey, Terrance.
Tonight's the season finale of Hearts in Seoul.
I sent you an e-vite.
l, uh... (STAMMERS)
You just click "accept" in your...
Agent Sterling.
Uh... Hi, wow. Uh, Walter Beckett.
Pleasure to meet...
Aw. (GASPS)
You used it.
You touched my stuff.
Okay, okay. Look, I know it's non-traditional, but...
Feel me here, little man.
So, I'm out there...
and I'm saving the world, doing big things.
That's what I do. Mmm-hmm.
And the way I do it...
is to have my things
do the things I expect my things to do.
Yep. Ow.
Like blow stuff up.
See, out there...
I gotta fight fire with fire.
Because if I try to fight fire with glitter...
I could get my face burned off.
But you didn't.
Because the Kitty glitter worked.
Kitty litter? Glitter.
Kitty glitter.
It's scientifically proven that watching kittens...
causes the enterochromaffin cells
to release serotonin.
Glitter makes people happy.
(SIGHS) Know what works even better?
A grenade.
It's kinda violent, don't you think?
Can't save the world with a hug, Wilson.
(CHUCKLES) It's Walter.
And what if you could?
The inflatable hug. (BEEPING)
Kind of a personal protection device I've been developing.
(SQUEAKING)
This is a vile waste of taxpayer dollars.
(CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY)
(GRUNTING)
Look, I'm just saying you can do more
by bringing people together...
than blowing them up.
And if I can convince you,
we can convince the whole agency.
LANCE: There is no "we."
Uh, Agent Sterling. Just...
Okay. Okay, okay. Millennials.
WALTER: No, wait, wait, wait. Please don't close that door.
Not interested. (BEEPING)
Listen, you gotta hear me out.
Whatever it is, no. (GROANS)
(OBJECTS CLATTER) Phew. Look, I've been working
on this thing at home, right...
that is gonna change spying forever.
Imagine...
if I could make you, wait for it...
drumroll, please...
(DRAMATICALLY) disappear.
Disappear?
Yeah.
(DRAMATICALLY) Disappear.
Why are you saying it like that?
(DRAMATICALLY) For effect.
I'm totally excited about it.
(DEVICE BEEPS) It's called
bio-dynamic concealment.
(PEN WARBLING) Boom. Mic drop.
Huh? Conceal this?
(CHUCKLING)
WALTER: I mean, you wouldn't need a bulletproof suit.
You wouldn't need exploding cufflinks.
(WHIRRING) You could blend in anywhere.
What if you were totally...
(LANCE EXCLAIMS)
(SLURRING) ...invisible?
(GASPS)
Wow. Dude.
That's a mess.
(SLURRING) Don't worry yourself.
The effects, they're only temporary.
All right, cool, cool. I'm gonna get outta here.
Wait, wait, wait. (GRUNTS)
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Look, you're the world's greatest spy.
Nobody ever listens to my ideas
or gives me a chance...
but if you did...
together...
we could really make a difference.
"Make a difference"?
(CHUCKLES) Boy, I am the difference.
All I need from you is when I want a grenade...
make me a grenade.
Can you do that?
There's a better way. (SIGHS)
Wrong answer, Willy.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) You're fired.
What? Wait.
No, no, no. Uh, please don't fire me!
AGENT: (SCOFFS) Weirdo.
Mission accomplished.
Oh, man, I'm telling you, it was one of my best.
(JOYLESS CLEARS THROAT) I was on fire.
Fighting, explosions, tons of witty catchphrases.
JOYLESS: Lance?
I had to jump through a helicopter.
(CHUCKLING) Lance?
(BABBLING)
Right? JOYLESS: Lance!
Hmm? Please tell me
you have an explanation for why this is empty.
MARCY: I know why.
Because he stole it.
JOYLESS AND LANCE: Excuse me?
Agent Marcy Kappel, Internal Affairs.
Mind if my team sweeps the room?
Yes, I mind.
They call me Eyes.
Spectral analysis and quantum optical thermography.
Ears. Sound.
Okay.
Hey, y'all need to ease out of my face right now.
Whoa! Hey.
Weapons deactivated. Backing up.
Take Agent Sterling into custody.
All right, enough!
We're talking about my top agent here.
I trust this man.
The only thing we can trust is the facts.
Eyes?
A surveillance camera in Tokyo
picked this up two hours after your mission.
MAN: Stop right there. (WHOOSHES)
(MAN SCREAMS)
Lance? Joy.
His heart rate just spiked.
That's because itisn't me.
Vocal patterns is all off the hook.
This has to be wrong.
This is wrong! I didn't...
Look, there was a guy with a robot hand.
He stole the Assassin,
and he scanned my face to frame me.
That sounds plausible,
and not like something you just made up.
Sounds a little Scooby-Doo, bro.
It isn't me!
Okay, so, just to be clear...
there's a man with a robot hand and Lance's face
who took the M9 Assassin.
We all feel good about that?
Okay, case closed. Let's go home.
You know what?
There's a bad guy
who needs to be stopped. (CLICKS)
Couldn't agree more.
Huh. You're good.
Lance, just cooperate.
Didn't see that coming, did you?
Did you see that coming?
(BEEPING)
He's running. Why do they always run?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(EXHALES) Off to save the world again?
Uh, yeah, you, too. You, too.
‘Sup, Sterling? All good, all good.
(MAN GRUNTS) Sorry.
Sterling! (SIGHS)
Now.
AGENT: (ON RADIO) Northwest corner.
Got him.
(GRUNTING)
(SIGHS)
Coming through, coming through.
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
MARCY: Security!
Shut this place down!
Agent Sterling?
I would do what she says.
She is very unpleasant.
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES)
Agent Sterling! What's happening, man?
I was just telling the guys about the time you...
(SCREAMING ECHOES)
(SIREN BLARING)
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
All right, Sterling.
Think.
Somebody else knows about Robot Hand.
(SIGHS) Who?
Kimura.
Find Kimura.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Tracking Katsu Kimura.
Wireless signal intercepted in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico.
You shouldn't be calling me.
LANCE: Mexico.
I'm trying to lay low!
(SIRENS BLARING IN DISTANCE)
(GRUNTS)
I need to disappear.
(IMITATES WALTER) Disappear.
Bingo.
Hope you got your pants on, Wilbur.
TOY: (DISTORTED) Unitee. (POWERS DOWN)
WALTER: (SIGHS) I miss you, Mom.
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
(COO0S)
(WOMAN CRYING ON TV)
(SPEAKING KOREAN ON TV)
(BOTH SOBBING)
See, Lovey?
Some dreams do come true.
(DEVICE TRILLING) Oh, um...
(GRUNTS) Okay.
(TRILLING CONTINUES)
(EXHALES)
Commencing bio-dynamic concealment
test number 83, batch five.
(GASPS) Exothermic reaction.
That's an exothermic reaction.
Uh, Lovey, could I borrow a feather, please?
(COO0S) Thank you.
Here's a little something for you.
(COO0S)
(EXHALES) If this works,
they'll have to give me my job back.
No way. It worked.
It worked.
It worked! It worked! It worked!
Lovey, it worked! It worked!
I need to disappear.
(YELLS)
(GASPS)
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) What... How did you...
What are you doing in my... (CLEARS THROAT)
(IN NORMAL VOICE) What's up?
Okay, listen.
That next-generation concealment tech
you were talking about earlier...
you wouldn't happen to have it on hand, would you?
Actually, I do happen to have it in hand.
Show it to me. Sure. Um...
Well, can I offer you a drink?
(GROANS) I got water,
Soylent drinkable meal replacement...
Mmm. Good. We had a drink.
So, what are we talking about here?
Light-bending camo suit? (WHIMPERS)
Adaptive response silicon... (GRUNTS DISGUSTEDLY)
(CLICKS TONGUE) Diet stuff has a weird aftertaste.
What's the tech?
Um... Well, you just drank it.
Drank what? The tech.
Now it's gone. Yep. (EXCLAIMS)
Why do you have a pigeon in here?
Yeah, okay, that's just Lovey. She's my roommate.
How am I gonna do this? Um, that's weird.
This is bad. No, it's not.
To have a pigeon in your house.
It's amazing.
It's science. Here we go. (BEEPING)
You just drank an ingestible formula
that uses a CRISPR-Cas9 genetic editor...
to resequence your DNA on a molecular level.
(BEEPS) Science rocks.
Wow! Okay, here's what I need you to do.
Pretend like you're a normal person
talking to a much cooler normal person.
(EXHALES) In precisely 45 seconds,
you will transform into...
a pigeon.
I'm out.
Wait, wait, wait.
What you're about to experience
is the future of espionage. (GROANS)
Okay.
You might be experiencing some mild discomfort.
(YELLS) Or severe.
I'll make a note of that. (DEVICE BEEPING)
This is because I fired you, right?
(OBJECTS CLATTER) (LANCE GROANING)
Okay, I'm gonna walk outta here.
Yeah, that might be hard.
Because you're in the middle of chromothripsis.
Okay, might pass out.
Oh, you're definitely gonna pass out.
Your genomes are being smashed apart...
so they can be reassembled with pigeon DNA.
(GRUNTS) Muscle it down, Lance.
Muscle it down.
Oh! What did you do? What did you do?
WALTER: Whoa. You're entering Phase Two.
Epigenetic modulation. (GROANS)
Think of each gene as having a switch.
And one by one, your switches are flipping to pigeon.
Human-pigeon, human-pigeon, human-pigeon.
(ECHOING) Human-pigeon, human-pigeon, human-pigeon.
(GROANS) Stop with the lights!
Wait, look at my hand!
What's happening to my hand? (YELLS)
Baby hand.
(DISTORTED VOICE) This is the final phase!
(MOANS)
This isn't so bad. (CHUCKLES)
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Your body is being flooded with endorphins
to prepare you for the immense physical pain
you're about to experience.
Wait. Say that again.
(SCREAMING)
You poisoned me!
"Poisoned"?
That's not even my department.
Squeeze the poison out.
(GAGS)
I wouldn't do that.
(DISTORTED VOICE) Three seconds.
You're gonna be fine. Trust me.
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Here we go.
(GROANING)
Hmm?
Hal What?
(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)
Whoa. That clock's fast. (BEEPING)
WALTER: Lance?
Lance.
It worked.
Subject's vitals are stable.
Inserting rectal thermometer. (GASPS)
It's okay, buddy.
Hey, it's okay. Don't you worry.
Your good friend Walter is here.
(SCREAMING)
(GASPING)
Subject appears disoriented. (CLATTERS)
Of course I'm disoriented.
You can talk? (GRUNTS)
Lovey, he can talk!
It worked. My eyes!
It worked. Can you believe this?
LANCE: What did you do to my eyes?
Hey, Lance, look at me. What did...
(STAMMERS) Look at you?
I can't not look at you, Walter.
I can see my butt and your face at the same time!
That is so cool!
Fact, pigeons have 360-degree vision.
Now, nobody can sneak up behind you.
Stop, girl. Come on. WALTER: This is so great.
Pigeons can be found in every major city around the world...
and no one notices them.
It's the most perfect form a spy could take.
You better un-bird me right now.
That's it. I'm not playing with you. Un-bird...
I'm raising my voice.
I probably shouldn't be raising my voice at you.
I guess you could imagine
I'm a little stressed right now.
I need you to un-bird me, Walter.
Mmm-hmm. Of course.
I'll start working on an antidote right now.
Start?
Well, the formula was purely theoretical until you...
You're gonna start? You don't have an antidote?
(COOING) Stop, girl, seriously.
Okay, okay.
So, you birded me, and you can't un-bird me.
Technically, you kind of birded yourself.
(CHUCKLING) I'mma hurt this boy.
WALTER: No, no, look.
I know you're upset, but everything's okay.
I called the Agency and told them you're here.
You did what?
No, no, no, it's okay.
I didn't tell them you're a bird.
Although I think they're gonna
figure that out pretty quickly. (CHUCKLES)
(GROANS) I gotta ghost.
(GROANS)
Yeah, there may be one or two downsides to your new form.
Webster, open the door.
(CLICKS DOORKNOB) Okay. Okay.
What... Why are you running from the Agency?
Get off me! I'm running... (GROANS)
because there's a bad guy out there with my face...
and now I have to try to stop him
from hurting people while being a bird.
And thank you for that. Thank you very much for that.
You know what? You're fired again.
Double fired!
Mmm, I don't think that's a thing.
LANCE: Oh, it's a thing. It's a thing now.
(SIGHS)
(GRUNTS FRUSTRATEDLY)
(SNIFFS) Okay.
It's a wingsuit.
How hard could it be?
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Time to fly.
Nope.
You broke into the Kremlin using a napkin
and a piece of duct tape.
You should be able to get into your own car!
(SQUEAKING)
(PANTING)
Yep, yep, yep. (GRUNTS)
(SQUEAKING)
Got it, got it, got it... Ow!
Come on.
(PANTING)
(PANTING) Okay, hear me out.
Is somebody talking? I don't hear anybody talking.
Especially somebody that's been double fired...
working on a triple fire.
I'll come with you.
I can show you all the advantages of being a pigeon
and how it can make you an even better spy.
And then you'll give me my job back.
We both win.
All right, let me think about that.
(INHALES SHARPLY) No. (SIRENS BLARING IN DISTANCE)
Okay. Well, I suppose you have somebody else
who has a mobile lab...
who could turn you back into a man.
(GROANS)
Get in the car. You won't even know I'm here.
(SIRENS BLARING)
I'll just ride out here, don't worry.
WALTER: Oh, right. My bad.
(TIRES SCREECHES)
AGENT: Go, go ,go! Moving through.
I want that tree gone, now!
MARCY: (ON SPEAKERS) Agent Sterling,
exit the premises now!
LANCE: What are you doing? Get in the car!
(AGENTS SHOUTING) WALTER: Holy...
LANCE: Wilfred! Let's move!
AGENT: Let's go, go, go!
Activate auto-drive.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Auto-drive engaged.
LANCE: Sterling private jet hangar.
See that, Walter?
You can bird me...
but you can't stop me.
(TIRES SCREECHES)
He was behind us. (GROANS)
Buckle up. And get me
everything we can on that Beckett kid.
EYES: You think they're working together?
MARCY: Sterling works alone. He's using him for something.
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
You brought the lady bird?
She's my emotional support animal.
You're gonna need a life support animal
if that bird poop in my...
(SIRENS BLARING) (SIGHS) We got company.
We've got units blocking every street,
overpass, and exit within a 5-mile radius.
Perfect. Time for a cattle drive.
EARS: Saddle up!
(WALTER WHIMPERS)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Evasive maneuvers activated.
(TIRES SCREECH) (LANCE GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS) I don't have time for this.
Activate weapons. What?
Activating weapons. LANCE: Relax.
I'm just gonna take out her tires.
Uh, that's really bad.
(CHUCKLING) I dare you.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Deactivating weapons.
WALTER: No, we're the good guys.
We can't shoot the other good guys.
Yeah, you're right, Walter.
Let's just pull over and talk it out.
Exactly. Can we?
Activate weapons. Activating weapons.
WALTER: Deactivate weapons. Deactivating weapons.
WALTER: How about something non-lethal like oil slick?
Activate weapons.
WALTER: Deactivate weapons.
LANCE: Don't listen to Walter. Activate weapons.
Oil slick. Activate weapons.
Oil slick! Oil slick! Oil slick!
This man trippin'.
Oil slick! Oil slick! Oil slick!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Deactivate.
System shut down. Goodbye. (SYSTEM POWERS DOWN)
LANCE: Oh, what did you do?
(YELPS)
(SCREAMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
He's like a god of the asphalt.
We'll see about that.
LANCE: All right, all right. I got this. I got this.
We're gonna die! (WHIMPERS)
LANCE: Oh, no. Watch out!
(LANCE SCREAMING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
We should be coming up on him any second.
This ends now.
Is everyone in position?
AGENT: Affirmative. In position.
Walter, get that computer back online.
Systems coming back online.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Defensive applications online.
Oil slick? Fine,
whatever! Just press it!
(BEEPS, WHIRRS)
LANCE: Wait! We're driving backwards.
WALTER: We're driving backwards.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(BEEPS) (SYSTEM POWERS DOWN)
(DISTORTED) No!
(SCREAMING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
That was tight.
Yep. It's official. I'm a fan.
Did anyone else see a pigeon in that car?
AUTOMATED VOICE: Auto-drive engaged.
I can't help but feel like some of this is my fault.
Some? Joker, this is all your fault.
Airstrip. Now.
WALTER: I'm sorry. Jeez.
Didn't mean to ruffle your feathers.
LANCE: (SIGHS) I hate you.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Lovey, this is the opportunity we've been waiting for.
There are so many gadgets I wanna test in the field.
We got the binder bubbles, collide-oscope,
hypno-stars, blamethrower, snorepedo.
We've got the multi-pen.
We haven't even tried the multi-pen in the... (GASPS)
I'm gonna need a code name.
Bond. Hydrogen Bond.
(SLURPS) LANCE: Oh, no, where is it?
Wait! What is that? (LIQUID POURING)
What is that? (BEEPS)
(RUMBLING) Oh! No, no. Fly, fly, fly!
(GRUNTING)
(TOILET FLUSHING) (LANCE SCREAMING)
(SPLUTTERS)
(SPLUTTERING)
Hey, everything go okay in there?
I just found out that number one and number two...
both come out of the same place.
So, no. Things are not okay.
Yeah. It's called a cloaca.
It sounds weird and gross,
but having a cloaca just means...
Dude!
I know what it means.
Saw it in the mirror.
I know you're not in a good place right now...
but there are benefits to being a pigeon.
Okay, so read what used to be my lips.
You're only here, because A,
I can't work a touchscreen enough to eject you...
and B, you're supposed to be working on something, correct?
Oh, the antidote. Right. Sure.
Yeah, that's going to take 18 hours to render.
I'm stuck like this, with this body, for 18...
Ooh, boy...
Whoo! Okay, walk this one off.
(EXHALES)
You know, being a pigeon
is actually way cooler than it seems.
And if you just embrace your new form,
you'll see all the advantages.
Like, fact, did you know
that pigeons can see in slow motion?
Because, fact, pigeons can fly
up to 92.7 miles per hour.
(COOING) And, fact, pigeons are
highly intelligent animals who like to play games.
Oh, and, fact...
Fact! You should have kept your seat belt on.
Whoo!
(LAUGHING)
Fact, pigeons can see ultraviolet light...
which is a broad spectrum of light
the human eye can't even see.
Fact, pigeons are a flock animal,
which makes it easier for them to...
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
LANCE: All right, Kimura, I'm coming for you.
Lance Sterling is on the scene.
And Bond. Hydrogen Bond.
Dude, you need medicine.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(JEERING) (BOTH EXCLAIM)
Go, go, go! Hey!
WOMAN: You just pushed me. (LAUGHS)
All right, y'all better squad up, cause here comes the...
Hey! Did you just toe-poke me?
You're a pigeon. You can walk right past them.
Oh. Huh.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Just a regular old bird.
(LANCE IMITATES CAWING)
Uh, that's not a pigeon sound.
Till you grow a cloaca,
I decide what the bird sounds are.
(IMITATES SQUAWKING)
(CHUCKLES) They're so stupid.
You see, it's like you're invisible.
(CHUCKLES) All right.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(GRUNTING)
(BEEPS) Your room key, sir.
Bingo.
Okay, let's figure this out. You and me. Let's go.
Let's brainstorm. How we gonna find this nut?
Uh, you are gonna sit down right here
on this very nice couch.
But I'm your wingman.
Ooh, you know who needs a wingman? That couch.
Go sit your narrow behind down and do some science stuff...
and I'mma go find Kimura. Alone.
Oh, what is that heavenly smell?
(SNIFFS) Mmm.
Oh, no.
Do not do it, Lance.
(COO0S) Oh...
Mmm. Lance! Have some dignity.
Walter, what is happening?
It must be some sort of latent avian instincts kicking in.
Why am I eating food off of the ground?
Why does it taste amazing?
Ugh. No, I'm good. Thank you.
(RETCHES) Oh, wow.
My dude, seriously, give me 10 feet.
Hey, no, human feet. Back up.
Oh, no. (GROANS) I wish I could unsee that.
This is huge. They've made you part of their flock.
I'm not trying to be a part of nobody's flock.
Shoo! Back up, fanboy. (COO0S)
I don't care that your name is Jeff. Beat it.
You can understand them?
What? No, no!
Does Lovey really love me? I'm not hearing bird-talk.
Am I her best friend? (LANCE GRUNTS)
None of this is right!
Nice to meet you, Jeff.
LANCE: Stop talking to Jeff!
Ugh.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PHONE RINGS)
(RECEPTIONIST SPEAKING SPANISH)
All right, what alias are you using, Kimura?
"Not Kimura."
Wow. That's clever.
I am way too good at this.
(GRUNTS) (BELL DINGS)
Oh, come on.
Seriously, fellas. Not now.
This is so humiliating. (GRUNTING)
(BELL DINGS)
Hey, I'm not for the games.
You better not... Mmm-mmm.
Stop it.
Stop it! Stop!
(BELL DINGING)
No!
Stop it! What is wrong with you?
(BOTH SQUAWKING)
(RECEPTIONIST GASPS)
Oh. (RECEPTIONIST GRUNTS)
(RECEPTIONIST SPEAKING SPANISH)
(YELPS)
(SIGHS)
(SQUAWKING)
Well, would you look at that? Being in a flock helped you.
Not my flock!
Lance...
Lance. (SQUAWKS)
Wait, wait, wait. Uh...
You should not go up there alone.
Maybe I have something else that can help.
Walter, I do not need your help.
Never will.
Can you push "20" for me, please?
WALTER: I thought you didn't need any help.
I don't.
WALTER: Feels like helping. Nope.
WALTER: Yeah, a little bit. Didn't.
WALTER: Did! Did not!
(SIGHS DEEPLY) (BEEPS)
(DOOR OPENS)
(GRUNTS)
Who's there?
Talk while you still have lips.
LANCE: Shut it, Kimura.
(GASPS) Sterling.
Uh-uh. Eyes front, hands up.
Ooh. Scratch that. Pick up your towel.
One hand up.
What do you want?
Here's how this works.
I ask the questions, you answer.
What?
I don't know how to answer that.
How did you get here?
KIMURA: Huh? How did I...
I'm not telling you anything.
(COOING) Stop! Get off of me.
You sold the Assassin to a guy with a robot hand.
Where is he?
KIMURA: He'll kill me if I tell you that.
Oh, and you think I won't? Talk!
(SIGHS)
(LANCE GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
Remarkable. A remote-operated pigeon.
How do you make it speak?
Oh!
(SCREAMS)
All right, Kimura, 3 ounces of pressure to the vagus nerve.
Sleepy night-night!
(YELLS)
I miss my hands.
(GROANS)
(KIMURA GRUNTS)
Lance Sterling is gonna die a pigeon...
and be buried in a shoebox. (LAUGHING)
(GROANING)
Lance, are you okay?
Walter?
Sterling is here somewhere. I want agents on every exit.
And everyone be careful.
This is Lance Sterling we're dealing with.
Tell me where Robo Hand is.
Never.
Boy, I'm about to pigeon-wing-slap...
(GIGGLING)
Oh. Oh, tough guy. Okay.
Then we do it the hard way.
Walter, I need a funnel,
jumper cables, and a Nickelback album.
Nickelback?
What? But that would hurt him.
That's the whole point.
I know what to do.
(WHIMPERS) No, no, no.
Don't do that. Ooh.
That's what I'm talking about, Walter.
Go science on this fool!
Oh, yeah!
I'm gonna science all over your face.
Please, don't!
Did you just give that man a refreshing spritz?
It's a truth serum, but yes,
it has a lavender quality to it.
Watch.
Kimura, what's your biggest secret?
I peed in the pool.
BOTH: That's a lot of honesty.
LANCE: Who is Robo Hand? And why is he wearing my face?
I don't know who he is.
Then what do you know?
Well, I know how to play the flute.
About Robo Hand!
I know he's on his way to Venice right now
to steal the Agent Database.
(GASPS) He's going to kill me.
Agent Database? Database.
KIMURA: (MUFFLED) Who says "database"?
Shut up.
He'll know the identities of everyone at the Agency.
(CHUCKLES) And once he does...
he'll use the Assassin to eliminate all of them.
Not if I stop him first. (LOVEY COOS)
(GRUNTS) She is relentless.
Block the door. We need something heavy.
I'm heavy.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Are you pulling?
Of course I'm pulling! Why aren't you pushing?
Just put your weight behind it.
I am putting my weight! I'm feathers!
It's like a big bag of pudding! (GROANS)
(SCREAMING)
Ugh. Yuck.
This is so embarrassing.
(BEEPS)
Come on, Walter. Use your glutes.
(YELPS) (MARCY SIGHS)
You're out of moves, Sterling.
You and Beckett are wanted for treason.
LANCE: We gotta go. Now.
No. Don't leave me like this.
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Ears? Consider it done.
(WHIRRS)
(PANTING)
We gotta get to that balcony. We're gonna have to parkour.
WALTER: What?
Cat pass! Tic-tac! Jelly roll!
Desk lamp! Flimflam! Bottle cap!
I don't know what any of that means.
(GROANS)
(GASPS) Hi.
What the... What happened to you? (GAGS)
Oh, don't do that. You're gonna make me...
(BOTH GAGGING)
Now or never, Walter. Gotta go! Come on, Walter!
You can do this!
Okay, it's a physics problem, Walter. Come on.
It's basic physics!
It's just basic physics.
(BEEPING)
You're right.
We can do this. MARCY: Beckett!
We can do this. MARCY: Beckett, don't you...
WALTER: We're gonna do this!
We can do this!
(YELPS) (BLEEP)
(SCREAMS) LANCE: Use your gadgets!
Use your gadgets!
A-ha! Grappling hook!
Fly! Fly! What am I doing wrong?
(WALTER GROANS) SOLDIER: There he is!
(EXCLAIMS) (WHIMPERS)
WALTER: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
(MAN SCREAMS IN PAIN) (LAUGHING)
Well, that's not good.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Oh!
LANCE: Walter, what else you got on that pen?
(WHIMPERING)
No.
(CHUCKLES) (ALL GROANING)
(WALTER SCREAMING)
Oh, hello, soft landing.
Oh! Whoa!
Walter! (BOTH SCREAMING)
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) SOLDIER: Go, go, go!
LANCE: Oh, these guys are the worst.
SOLDIER 1: There he is! SOLDIER 2: Don't move!
(GASPS) The multi-pen!
LANCE: Yes! Great. Shoot 'em!
Well, that is suboptimal.
That has a bit of a suck factor to it.
Yeah, pillow. Good call.
(CRACKLES)
(PEN BEEPING)
Lance, get down.
Get down!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Huh? (SCREAMS)
(BURPS)
WALTER: Serious string.
Like Silly String, but serious.
Oddly effective. (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(MAN GROANING) Come on, let's ghost.
There's something you don't see every day.
Wow. This is tripped out.
This is... I don't know what this is.
This couldn't have been Sterling.
No one's even hurt.
It might be that kid, Beckett.
But that doesn't make sense!
Beckett is just some nobody in the gadget lab.
Well, according to his file,
that "nobody" graduated MIT at 15...
and invented a way to edit human genomes
in middle school.
Dude is Jeopardy! smart. (SIGHS)
Well, so are we.
(SQUELCHES)
(SIGHS) I stepped in it.
I stepped in the goo.
Yeah, me, too.
These are my new kicks, man.
(BREATHING SHAKILY)
I hope this works.
Please, please, please. (GASPS)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(BEEPING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Weapons system online.
Agent Database required for targeting.
It's done!
The entire facility is running at full capacity.
Everything is exactly how you wanted it.
But, please, the destruction this is capable of...
(KILLIAN SIGHS)
Since when does your agency care
about the many, many, many lives it destroys?
MAN: (GRUNTS) No! Wait, wait, wait! No, no, no!
No, please, please! Wait, wait, wait!
You said if I helped you, you'd let me go.
Oh, yeah, I did. Didn't 1?
(SCREAMING)
I hear Venice is wonderful this time of year.
LANCE: Aw, yeah.
Just wait till 1 get to Venice.
I'mma tear that fool his own cloaca.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON VIDEO)
Walter!
Huh? What?
You're still working on that antidote, right?
Working on it?
In a couple minutes, it's done.
(LANCE SIGHS)
But do you know what else is working?
If you say being a pigeon...
Being a pigeon! (SCOFFS)
I'm really gonna throw this boy in the ocean.
(WHOOSHES) What? (EXCLAIMS)
Hey, how did y'all get here?
(CHUCKLES) Jeff and Crazy Eyes aren't going to abandon you.
They're part of your flock. LANCE: Come on. No.
Get your beak out my drink.
I have no idea where that beak has been.
Back out. (GRUNTING)
No! Stop it! WALTER: Okay, okay.
Here you go, guys. Come on.
Have some of these. They're gluten-free.
You're joking, right?
That one ate gum stuck to a tissue.
(PEN BEEPING)
And a spy pen.
We should probably do something about that.
(DEVICE BEEPING)
It's ready.
Finally.
(CLICKING)
(WHIRRING)
(DINGS)
May 1? (LOVEY COOS)
Not this time, Lovey. Thank you.
Ow!
Joker.
Well, that's not good.
"Not good" as in it'll taste bad
but still turn me back into a human?
Mmm, "not good" as in it won't turn you
back into a human...
and if you drink it, all your cells will catch on fire.
Come on, man!
I'm sorry. I'll figure it out.
Science is all trial and error.
This isn't a science lab.
If I don't stop this guy, people will die!
You don't think that I want to stop him, too?
Why do you think I'm on this boat?
Do you have any idea
of how much motion sickness medication I'm on right now?
I can hardly feel my legs! (EXHALES)
But I'm here because I believe...
together, we can find a good way to stop the bad.
(SIGHS)
I know you do, man.
But it's a fantasy.
When the bad guys hit you, you hit 'em back.
You hit 'em so hard that they don't get back up.
You gotta fight fire with fire.
When we fight fire with fire, we all get burned.
There's no good guys or bad guys.
Just people.
And people are worth saving.
Isn't that our job?
Evil doesn't care that you're nice.
I watch good people be taken every day.
(LOVEY COO0S) (SIGHS)
But you wouldn't know nothing about that.
You'd be surprised.
(COOING SOFTLY)
First time in Venice?
First time anywhere, really.
It's always been my dream
to come here and feed the pigeons.
LANCE: You need help. (WALTER CHUCKLES)
LANCE: Time to put your game face on.
That's the Agency Data Vault.
WALTER: Data Vault. (LANCE SIGHS)
If Robo Hand wants a list of agents,
that's where he'll find it.
You remember the plan?
What plan?
You said, "Stay out of the way and let me kick some..."
Good. You remember it.
(WEAPONS POWERING UP)
MARCY: Long way from home, Walter.
Kimura talked.
I know Sterling's here in Venice. Where is he?
Stay cool.
Where's Sterling?
I can tell you where he's not.
Which is right here.
(COOING)
What? No, we can't just kill her.
That's dark, Lovey.
Look, I know you're not a criminal.
You're a bright kid.
You're inventing things that nobody has ever thought of.
I know because my boot is still stuck in one of 'em.
Sorry.
No, no. We're the ones who owe you an apology.
You're trying to keep the world safe...
just like your mother did.
I read your file.
I know she sacrificed her life to save people.
I can help you, Walter.
I can get you your job back.
A new lab. All the equipment you need.
Show them what you can do...
and no one will ever call you weird again.
You just have to give me Sterling.
No.
We should all be working together.
(SIGHS)
Bad move, Beckett. (EXPLOSION)
Sterling!
(ALARM BLARING) (GASPS)
Stay here.
Let's go. (GASPS)
EYES: It's the Assassin. LANCE: Come on.
SOLDIER: Destroy the target!
MARCY: We can't let that thing out of here.
SOLDIER 2: Open fire!
LANCE: It's got the database.
(GUNFIRE)
Oh, man.
SOLDIER 3: It's not working!
EARS: I'm on it.
(HUMMING)
EARS: This is not good!
MARCY: Take cover! EARS: Now!
(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)
(PANTING)
LANCE: Let's go. Beckett, don't you...
Don't worry. We'll stop it. Beckett!
I mean, I'll stop it, because Lance is definitely not here.
(GASPS)
We can't catch this thing on foot.
Whoa, hey, hey, what are you doing?
You're a pigeon, Lance.
You're one of the fastest birds in the world.
No, put me down, Walter!
You need to fly! I believe in you.
There's another way!
Boy, don't you throw me off this roof!
He'll figure it out.
(SCREAMING)
Come on. I'm gonna die.
(GASPING)
I'm flying.
I'm flying. (LAUGHS)
I'm flying...
Oh, you're flying me. (COOING)
Thank you. Good looking out.
Whoa! (GRUNTING)
Whoa. All right, guys. Let's go!
We got an Assassin to catch.
Excuse me. (GRUNTS) Sorry.
(PANTING)
That works, too.
This is official business! Oh.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Okay. (EXCLAIMING)
(PANTING) Phew.
(YELLS)
This is official business!
We need to get that database.
Any ideas?
(COOING EXCITEDLY)
Oh! I like how you think.
Bullseye!
Got it.
(BEEPING)
Yeah, didn't think he'd like that. (GROANS)
Good job.
Oh, that's right. You all like games.
Let's play some Keep Away.
Go long.
(WHOOPS) Oh, no!
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS) Not so easy, is it, Roomba?
Lovey, all you, girl!
Hit me. I'm open.
I got it! I got it!
Oh, no.
(SCREAMS)
(PANTING)
Oh, no, no, no!
This is about to suck!
(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
No! (GRUNTING)
Come on, come on, come on!
(WHOOPING)
Catch of the century!
I've never caught anything in my whole life!
(GRUNTING)
(GASPS)
(LANCE WHOOPING)
That was amazing. We did it!
(LAUGHS) We're gonna talk about
you throwing me off that roof, though.
Yeah, I really thought that would work out better.
Nah, it's cool, it's cool.
We're gonna holler about it in a minute.
You know, I'm gonna let you have this moment.
Whoo! We're unstoppable...
(HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
(PANTING)
(GROANS)
KILLIAN: Uh-uh-uh.
That belongs to me.
Technically, it belongs to the United States government.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS) Lance! Lance!
Sterling?
What do you say, Lance?
Come out. We'll have some good fun.
You're the hero, right?
The spy who saves the day...
destroying anybody that stands in your way.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, I'd love to have some fun.
(COOING SOFTLY)
(LANCE GROANS)
Guess he's not coming.
No. (GRUNTS)
Ah, life's full of disappointment.
(WHIRRING) (WALTER WHIMPERS)
You don't have to do it this way.
It won't make anything better.
No.
No!
(GRUNTING)
Walter!
(YELLS)
(LAUGHING)
(SIGHS)
Breadcrumbs?
They're gluten-free.
(PIGEONS COOING)
(GRUNTING) (PANTING)
(STRAINING)
Lance, let's go.
MARCY: Hold it right there! (WEAPON POWERS UP)
Turn around nice and slow!
Hands where I can see them.
Both hands.
Watch out! (ALL GRUNT)
Did anybody else see that Agent Sterling had...
A robot hand?
Yeah.
(SIRENS WAILING)
WALTER: Phew. Totally crazy.
When he had his foot on my head, I was like... (SCREAMS)
And you were like, "No!"
And then, I was like, "Breadcrumbs!"
(SIGHS) He still got away with the database.
Or did he?
I feel like you want me to say,
"What are you talking about?"
Oh, I'll tell you what I'm talking about.
During the whole bird-nado thing,
I put a tracker on him.
LANCE: Wait. That's him?
That's Robo Hand?
Yep. Yes!
Yes! My man!
Oh, there is no way
I could have done this without you, Walter.
What? What?
What did you say?
I think I said...
You said you couldn't have done it without me.
(GASPS)
All right.
Okay, we've reached the time limit on this, Walter.
All right, hey, hey, will you stop?
(CHOKES) You're squeezing too...
(POPS) Oh! Whoa!
(COOING)
Walter, what happens in the submarine
stays in the submarine.
You just laid an egg.
(GASPS) You laid an egg!
(STAMMERYS) It just kinda slipped out, man.
You just laid an egg!
Lance, this is amazing.
Do you not realize what this means?
You're a girl!
Oh! Excuse me?
Of course, of course.
That's why I couldn't figure this out.
I used Lovey's DNA in the serum. (CHUCKLES)
And that helps us how?
Because now all I need to do
is change one variable in the antidote...
and you'll be human again.
I'm gonna be me.
Unless, you know,
maybe you wanna stay a pigeon a little longer.
Right.
Of course.
One antidote coming right up.
Director Jenkins, we lost the database.
Every Agency employee is compromised.
You need to pull everyone in for their own safety.
(SIGHS)
And you're sure it was Lance?
Yes.
Maybe?
Okay, I don't know what I saw.
But I still know for a fact
that Sterling came here on this boat.
(CLEARS THROAT) Sterling wasn't on this boat.
Son of a...
Come on! There's gotta be something.
A footprint, a candy wrapper,
some overpriced face lotion...
because there is no way
that his skin looks that good without help.
Look, everything is coming up blank.
If Sterling was on this boat...
he didn't leave a fingerprint,
his lips never touched a glass...
and somehow he didn't have feet.
(SIGHS)
I think it's safe to say that
your investigation isn't getting anywhere.
Huh.
(LOVEY COOS)
(SIGHS)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(CRACKLING)
WALTER: (ECHOING) Lance?
(LANCE GROANING)
Lance?
Oh... (GROANS)
Did it work?
Okay, take it easy. (GROANS)
(GASPS)
I got my hands back.
Yes! Yes!
Oh, my pecs.
My pectoral muscles. My abdominalia.
Oh, Walter, you are a...
I just...
I can do that ‘cause I got lips now!
(LAUGHS)
I'm naked.
Little bit awkward.
Lucky for you, I planned ahead.
LANCE: Good call.
WALTER: There he is.
Lance Sterling. Back in action.
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have arrived at your destination.
All right, Robo Hand.
I'm coming for you.
Okay. Robo Hand is a mile due west.
So, what's the plan, partner?
I got plenty of glitter, yay-palm, a splat-a-pult...
LANCE: No.
No what?
I'm taking it from here, Walter.
You're kidding, right?
Look, lives are on the line.
I got this now.
You've got this?
But we're a team. You said so yourself.
And you did your job.
You un-birded me.
Now it's time to do things my way.
(SUIT WHIRRS) End this fool.
That's wrong.
You're so wrong.
Look, I've got everything that we...
This is not the place for your weird gadgets.
Weird?
(SIGHS)
Go home.
No.
I'm not giving up. Ow.
(GRUNTS)
Lance... (GRUNTS)
LANCE: I can't lose any more good people.
I fly solo.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Ow! (GROANS)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)
LANCE: I think that's yours.
But that face you've been using is mine.
It's over.
Database isn't gonna do you any good
with your fancy toy messed up like that.
(KILLIAN CHUCKLING)
You really thought I was gonna use one drone...
to take out every name on this list?
I mean, I did.
Until you asked that question that way.
Casts a little doubt.
Tell me, Agent Sterling.
You managed to stop one drone.
How do you plan on stopping 1,000?
(IMITATES GUNSHOT)
(GROANING)
Sleepy night-night.
(LANCE GROANING)
Huh?
(STRAINING)
(SIGHS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
KILLIAN: Do you feel that dread?
Oh, can you feel it?
Rolling around you like a fog.
I told you. I don't even know you, man.
But I know you.
Think about it.
No?
I'll give you a little bit of help.
(GROANS)
Kyrgyzstan.
Ah...
He remembers.
I mean, I certainly never forgot that day.
You were magnificent.
You were a one-man army.
Lot of witty catchphrases...
and you had all these fancy toys that just went boom!
Boom.
You were a bunch of bad dudes
about to hurt a lot of innocent people.
And it's my job to keep everyone safe.
Everyone? (SCOFFS)
I watched every single one of my people die...
as your agency's weapons rained down on us.
You took everything from me.
And you know the rules.
You hit me hard, Sterling.
I hit back harder.
(GRUNTING)
All of this...
because of you.
(ALARM BEEPING)
He's coming back for me.
Walter, no. No, no, no.
KILLIAN: Walter.
No, no, no. Okay.
Hey, this kid is harmless.
He doesn't have anything to do with this, okay?
We can figure this out.
Look at me, look at me.
I'm sorry, all right?
There's another way!
Do you hear me?
Do not hurt this kid.
Oh, no.
Don't... Don't do this.
Please. No, no, no.
Don't do this! No!
KILLIAN: I'm taking everything from you.
(SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYING)
(WINGS FLUTTERING)
(PIGEON COOS)
(CONVERSING IN KOREAN)
Huh?
(IN ENGLISH) Oh, right. Yeah.
(MUSIC STOPS) (CLEARS THROAT)
(EXHALES) Walter.
But I saw...
How did you...
Oh, you know, one of my weird gadgets.
The inflatable hug.
Thought I lost you, man.
I'll always have your back, Lance.
That's what it means to be a team.
It's something I learned a long time ago.
From your mom?
You're a good friend, Walter.
And, hey, (SIGHS) I'm sorry for shooting you in your neck.
I'm sorry for the cloaca.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So, what's your plan to stop this guy?
Nope. Not my plan.
Time to do it your way.
My way?
Oh, yeah. We about to Walter-ize this thing.
(CHUCKLES) Well, in that case...
we're gonna need a bigger flock.
You're calling Marcy, aren't you?
Yep. Tell her I said hi.
(BURPS)
Let's get weird. Boom.
(GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
KILLIAN: Nowhere to run from this, Lance.
LANCE: Listen, I'm sorry about what happened in Kyrgyzstan.
But we are stuck in this good guy-bad guy vortex.
We do not have to do it like this.
Yeah, bit late for that.
LANCE: It's not.
We're both just people who make mistakes.
We can work this out, man. That's it.
(OVER RADIO) Almost there. You're doing great.
I mean, come on.
We can break this cycle.
(BEEPS) Got it. I'm connected.
Nobody else has to get hurt.
(SCOFFS) You should know better than anyone.
Someone always gets hurt.
Not today-day.
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)
You brought your own soundtrack?
We like to make an entrance.
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
Huh?
Oh.
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
Huh?
MARCY: Would you look at that?
There's a man with a robot hand
wearing your face...
who took the M9 Assassin.
Guess I owe you an apology.
LANCE: Okay. Go ahead.
No, that was it. That was the apology.
Oh. I accept.
(GRUNTING)
But you gotta admit, it was a little Scooby-Doo.
Oh, 100% Scooby-Doo.
I'm gonna make this hurt!
Okay, come on through.
You are safe here. Come on. (COMPUTER BEEPING)
Is that everyone?
Director, we've got unknown incoming.
Approaching fast.
Oh, this is bad.
Lock this place down.
(CRACKLING)
(POWERING DOWN)
We're sitting ducks.
Walter hacked his hand.
We gotta buy him some time to shut down the drones.
Got it. What kind of firepower we talking?
(BAG SQUEAKS)
Just go along with it.
Take your best shot.
(GRUNTS) This one sucks.
(GRUNTING)
WALTER: No, no, no, that's binder bubbles.
Push the button on the back.
Button on the back, button on the back!
Bubbles?
Oh, you gotta let me try that.
WALTER: That's a collide-oscope. Throw it.
(BEEPING)
(SCREAMS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Splat-a-pult. Prism spray. Hypno-stars.
Snorepedo. Scream Team.
Well, what have we got to lose?
(DEVICE WHIRRING)
11 o'clock.
12 o'clock. Half past 2! 4:30!
WALTER: Security blanket. (SOLDIER GASPS)
WALTER: It's upside down.
FEMALE HUGGER VOICE: I'm a hugger.
SOLDIER: Whoa.
(GRUNTING)
(GASPS)
Nice shot.
(COOING)
I was aiming for your face,
Thank you?
Walter, gonna need a reload, buddy.
WALTER: Ask and you shall receive.
Are those pigeons wearing tiny backpacks?
DEVICES: Yay!
Now, that's hot. That's hot.
I call it Fifty Shades of Yay!
Oh, come on, now!
LANCE: You ready to tap out yet?
(WHOOPING)
Gadget lab.
Get to the gadget lab! Grab every weapon you can!
Stop! Get back!
Oh, no.
DEVICES: Yay!
FEMALE HUGGER VOICE: I'm a hugger.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANS) Walter, my face can't take much more of this.
You keep doing your thing and I'll do mine.
Yeah, well, your thing seems to be
a lot easier than my thing.
We have different skillsets.
That's what makes us such a great team.
Dude.
(GRUNTING)
(ALL GRUNTING)
(SNEEZES) Excuse me. Ugh.
Whoo. Why do I smell lavender?
We just got spritzed.
Uh-oh. Truth serum.
I have five cats,
each named after a member of New Kids on the Block.
Oh, I love New Kids.
Jon, Joey, Jordan, Donnie, and Danny.
I really wanna hurt you right now.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
You.
What... What are you doing?
I'm not telling you anything.
I'll tell you what he's doing.
He's gonna hack into your claw
and shut down your drones.
Wow, this stuff really works.
(GRUNTING)
(BEEPING)
No, no, no.
(GRUNTS) No!
(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS)
(YELPING)
Whoa! I'm coming, Walter.
(LANCE YELLING)
(LANCE STRAINING)
Almost there. Don't let go. Please don't let go.
(STRAINING)
(SCREAMING) Walter!
(PANTING)
Walter.
Come on, come on.
(ALL CLAMORING)
AGENT: Somebody do something.
(CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS)
If you shut 'em down now, you'll kill us both.
And you're no killer.
No. I'm a hugger.
(BEEPS) What?
(WALTER GRUNTS)
WENDY: One day, your gadgets are gonna keep the world safe.
(BEEPS)
(SCREAMING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(POWERING DOWN)
(ALL CHEERING)
(LAUGHS)
- Yes!
Never wash that hand again!
(WHIMPERING)
(LANCE EXCLAIMING)
I got you, Walter!
Lance? What are you... (STRAINING)
WALTER: It's okay.
It's okay.
You can't do this alone.
I am not alone!
(COOING) Lovey?
(LAUGHING IN RELIEF)
Come on, birds!
Fly!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(COUGHING)
(WEAKLY) Walter.
Walter.
(COUGHS) (SIGHS AND CHUCKLES)
What does internal bleeding feel like?
This. It feels like this.
Oh, come here.
No, no, no. No hugs.
You gonna make me
lay an egg or something in front of Marcy.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(DISTANT SQUEAKING)
(DEVICE BEEPING) Huh?
(SQUEAKING CONTINUES)
EYES: He saved him.
(GROANS) I think I need a vet.
Once I can move again, I'll turn you back into a man.
MARCY: Sterling.
You're a bird?
Uh, hey, Marcy.
That's why I couldn't find you!
(LAUGHING)
Whoa, you're a bird. That is messed up.
LANCE: It's weird, right?
This is amazing.
We did it.
We took down the drones, beat the bad guy,
saved countless lives.
We are so gonna get our jobs back!
So, triple fired.
Yeah, man, that's gotta be some kind of record.
I really didn't see that coming.
Well, we did break a bunch of laws, and defied orders...
and, I mean, committed a little bit of treason.
Oh, right, yeah, the treason.
Forgot about the treason.
Hey. It doesn't matter, man.
Look around.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Your mother would be so proud of you right now.
You kept all those people safe.
And you did it your way.
But you also did this.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
I'll figure that out. Sorry.
You know, this gluten-free stuff
is really starting to grow on me.
(COOING)
So, what do we do now?
Oh, we could... (WALTER YELPS)
(GASPS) Huh?
Marcy?
WALTER: (MUFFLED) Okay, I can't see or hear...
but my other senses are elevated, so you... Ow!
Agent Sterling, I apologize for the theatrics.
No, you don't.
You should have seen your face when we grabbed you.
(CHUCKLES) I didn't make a face.
No one's ever looked more scared.
Are you two finished?
WALTER: We are gonna be okay, Lance!
Use your baby hand to pick the lock!
Can you please take that off him?
Okay, and you can... (CLEARS THROAT)
Oh, hey. Hey, guys.
(CLEARS THROAT) Is this about the treason?
Joy, what is going on?
We realize we were wrong about you.
You're the future of this agency,
and we want you to lead a new team.
A highly covert global...
LANCE: Let me stop you right there.
I'm not leading nothing,
unless my man Walter's on the team.
Um...
I think she's talking to Walter.
Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we... Just put that down.
Sometimes, he talks for me,
I'll talk for him, ‘cause we a team.
Me?
We need people like you.
People who can help the Agency do things a new way.
What do you say?
Looks like we gonna need some glitter.
Team Weird?
LANCE: (CHUCKLES) Team Weird.
(GRUNTING)
AUTOMATED VOICE: (ON SPEAKERS) Missile deactivated.
(PEOPLE CLAMORING AND SHOUTING)
(BOTH WHOOPING)
(VIDEO GAME BLEEPING)