Ingrid, how simply delightful to see you. I would offer you tea or coffee,
but I think what you really need is a big slice of humble pie. What's this?
My resignation. Let's get this over with.
No need to go that far,
unless there's some personal scandal I don't know about.
You set a tiger team on MI5.
What's that? I'm not familiar with the jargon.
A tiger team is a unit employed to test an organization's defenses.
So, sort of set a thief to catch a thief.
Pay someone to check whether your security systems are any good.
That's it.
In that case, yes, I did do that. Guilty as charged.
But isn't it more to probe weaknesses,
test whether said organization can pass muster under pressure?
Yes. All of that.
And how did MI5 fare?
One of our agents was blackmailed into breaking into the Park
to steal the PM's vetting file.
So far, so bad. Did they get it?
- No. - Shame. I'd love a gander.
Is it true he gets his wife to piss on him,
or is that just a rumor I started? I forget.
They got close enough that this counts as a major security breach on my watch,
which is why I have to go.
I don't want you to go, Ingrid.
Then what do you want?
Finally.
You made me look like a muppet by bringing me a fake diamond
just so you could sneak into the Park.
Look, this has just been one big misunderstanding. Okay?
Please. For the 1,000th time,
I believed that Catherine Standish's life was in danger.
Relax. Chieftain are handing her over now. Standish is fine.
I know she's fine.
F-- God's--
Come on! Fuck.
Well played, mate. Well played. Mission accomplished.
Tiger team are a roaring success. And the beers? On me.
I don't drink.
Okay, well, have a shandy then. But a celebration is in order.
Chieftain beat the spooks. They're supposed to be the professionals,
and we turned one of them into our puppet.
This is great for business.
Gonna get a lot of contracts out of this. A lot.
And you, my friend, can have first dibs.
I think I might have a rest after this.
Okay. Well, let me know. Well done, son.
Who is this? Am I going with him?
Maybe you don't know. You're obviously not in charge.
Miss Standish, I'm here to take you wherever you want to go.
She's not getting out, you're getting in.
What the fuck are you doing?
The operation is over. This isn't part of--
Hands on your head.
Don't.
Hands on head.
Have you lost your fucking mind?
Take his gun. Tie him up.
You move over, please.
- Stop! - No!
Come on! Fucking come on!
The fuck are you playing at?
Perfect. Brilliant.
- Head down. - All right. Fucking hell.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
So am I now an actual hostage?
MI5 has become rather stuck in its ways.
So I'll be bringing in advisers from the private sector who can help
with streamlining and efficiency so that the taxpayer gets value for money.
I see. And am I to assume these people will be from Chieftain?
Having just got the better of your security systems,
I feel that they're more than qualified to tell you where you might be going wrong.
The CEO is an old friend of yours.
I happened to be at school with Sly Monteith,
but I was at school with a lot of people.
Do you have any financial links to the firm?
That's a very impertinent question, Ingrid, and one I'm unable to answer.
As you know, all my financial assets have been placed in a blind trust.
If you have any more questions,
I wonder if I should fish that letter out of the bin
and give Diana Taverner a call.
No, that won't be necessary.
Good. I look forward to a new phase in our relationship...
in which I am the daddy.
Jesus. Elton John live bootlegs.
I'll have to borrow this. Cure for my insomnia.
God, you're ignorant.
The greatest songwriter of the last 50 years, Elton John.
- God, this is boring. - Geez, it's like being out with my kids.
What, you check gambling websites when you're out with your kids?
Looking after their financial security.
By remortgaging?
Ho told me.
I'm remortgaging 'cause we're getting the loft done.
Nothing to do with my gambling.
Not that it's any of your fucking business, by the way.
You're the one that wanted to partner up.
You're hardly selling yourself as a prospect.
- At least I don't get high on the job. - I never get high on the job.
God, you're always here to bring me right fucking down.
- Hey, where you going? Why? - In there.
To see what we can learn about the man that's got Standish.
We don't have a warrant.
We didn't have one for Catherine's flat.
That's different. We knew her, and technically, we shouldn't have done it.
Stay in the car then.
Shut up.
- Come on. - Fuck's sake.
God, you're so good at this.
Can you just wait a second?
Just leave it.
Seriously?
See? Easy.
Just in case you're stupid enough to still be sitting on Donovan's flat,
you can get back to the office. It was a tiger team.
They took Standish to pressure Cartwright to break into the Park.
Shit. Did he do it?
Yep.
Lamb. Catherine was taken by a tiger team.
What, so we staked this place out and broke in for no reason?
Well, at least it got us out of the office.
- We better get back there. - I'm gonna take a piss before we leave.
Make it quick.
I'll take as long as I like, thanks.
If you like listening to women pee, I think there's websites for that.
You need to come and see this.
So what? It's just the planning for the tiger team op.
Knew they were watching us.
There's another wall.
"Grey Books"?
Yeah. MI5 compendium of conspiracy theories.
Yeah, I know what the Grey Books are. Thanks.
But what's this bullshit got to do with Catherine?
- Where are those from? - Donovan's flat.
What are you doing in there? I told you it was a tiger team.
Yeah. Well, we were kind of already in here.
So Sean Donovan's a conspiracy nut with a phase two?
Yeah. Phase two is the Grey Books, MI5 compendium of conspiracy--
Yeah. I know what the Grey Books are.
Right. Well, it looks like he's gonna keep hold of Standish
till he gets a look at them.
Well, document everything and get it to Ho. Right?
And do not let anyone outside of Slough House know about this
until I've worked out how much of a nut bag Donovan is.
- You're fucking mad, you are. - Yep.
Through there.
Stairs.
There's a similarity between you and that other man.
- Is that a coincidence? - Shut up.
Clearly a sore point, which makes me think it's not a coincidence.
I said, "Shut up."
You didn't have to look for the light switch,
so this is your house, isn't it? Your family home.
And that other man must be Ben, so you're either Sarah or Alison.
Stinking pile of dog shit.
Smile.
Let's see what Chieftain make of this.
They'll rain blood and fire on you.
Oh, yeah. Can't wait. Get in.
Sit tight. Wait it out, and it'll be fine.
How long before Chieftain call?
No idea.
Now we've got one of yours and one of MI5's.
If you want them both released unharmed, you need to do exactly what we say.
Are you listening?
Lamb.
Well, you got nerve.
First you turn Slough House into a sorting office, then you stand me up.
Well, they're doing a total security reset. It's mayhem down there.
Yeah, I can see that. What's the fallout?
Remains to be seen. Tearney's with Judd as we speak.
Well, what are you doing? Measuring curtains for her office?
I have learned never to underestimate Dame Ingrid. She is a survivor.
Yeah, she is, and Judd may have crowed too soon.
Tiger team's gone rogue. They won't let Standish go.
Why on earth not? Surely the operation is completed.
Well, I thought they might have already been in touch. They want the Grey Books.
They told you that?
No, kidnapper's wall planner. Name of Sean Donovan.
Well, I haven't heard anything.
And if they were demanding the Grey Books,
I'd know 'cause they've been relocated to the facility under my supervision.
Yeah, which means they're one up from toilet paper.
In return for the heads-up, I would like Cartwright back.
As I'm sure you're aware,
I do not have command of the Dogs right now.
Send him out, Diana, or I'm coming in.
Get up.
Get up!
You know, I'm kinda fine down here, you know?
I'm not gonna ask you again. River, get up.
Whatever issues you have--
That you clearly have, that you're working through--
Maybe you should just talk to someone.
Because based on this, I just-- I don't think violence is making you happy.
Don't know why you're crying, son. You got nothing between your legs.
Yeah, you need to get this out of your system quickly
before Lamb comes to get me.
You think I give a fuck about Lamb?
I kinda do, actually. Yeah.
What is he, some sort of twisted fucking father figure to you?
Because you never knew your own dad,
and you'll never fucking be as good as your grandfather, eh?
You wanna hit me, don't you?
You want to have a fucking swing at me?
Come on, champ! Fucking have at it! Come on.
Sorry.
Attack a senior agent now?
A head Dog. Nah.
No, that would definitely get me kicked out.
So you have at it, champ.
Because any minute now, that door is gonna open
and I'm just gonna walk right out of here.
And until then, I can take whatever it is you've got.
Are you feeling what--
Come in!
Right. Right on cue. My ticket out of here.
Got his bollocks yet?
Yeah, I've softened him up for ya.
No, wait, listen-- Whoa.
Look, I know we've had our differences,
but I've just gotta warn you, I do have very tough balls.
And I'm only saying that because you're--
Okay, let's get this to Ho, see what he can turn up.
He's just gonna read this and agree with most of it.
Probably wrote some of it.
- Police! - We're in here.
- Did Lamb send you? - Whoa.
Don't know a Lamb.
Neighbor called. Said he saw you creeping in.
- Wait. This is a crime scene. - Idiots.
- Yeah. You done a burglary. - We're MI5.
Yeah. Check my pockets.
So I can get spiked by a junkie needle? No, thanks.
Do I look like a junkie? Look, I've got an MI5 ID in my pocket.
Check it now before it gets really bad for you.
Check his. I'll check hers.
- Yeah, or you could make some calls. - In the back pocket. Right there.
Okay, boss. Looks legit.
What's this then?
Got to be fucking kidding me.
- I'm undercover. I've got it for a sting. - Uh-huh.
Jackson Lamb?
- Maybe. - This is Officer Moseley of the Met.
I'm calling 'cause I've arrested Marcus Longridge and Shirley Dander
for breaking and entering, and possession of class-A drugs.
Uh-huh.
Longridge says he had the go-ahead from you to enter the flat,
and Dander says the drugs were for a sting.
All right, you can let 'em go and then give 'em a message.
Yeah, go ahead.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Sorry about that. You're free to go.
No hard feelings. Just doing your job.
- Flush it. - You don't need it for your sting?
Flush it.
Before you go, Lamb had a message for you.
"You're fucking fired.
I got fucking hemorrhoids that are more fucking use than you."
Got some rubbish for you.
What kept you?
Thanks for giving him a good kicking. Saves me the bother.
You're gonna bring me that diamond and the name of the idiot fucking horse
that took it, or I'm gonna come over there,
and I'm gonna open you up like a tin of beans. Do you hear me?
I'm trying to place you. You--
You're the bloke that walks around our local park picking up dog shit.
We danced once.
Next time I'll put you down.
Dream on, sir.
I could take you down with an eyelash.
Right. Before you say anything,
what would you have done if you'd been sent that?
Well, I'd done what they said. Then once they let her go,
I'd have killed every one of the bastards.
- Yes, mate? - Chelsea, please, mate.
If they threatened to kill you, on the other hand,
I'd buy 'em a beer and the bullets.
Hang on a minute, mate.
Wait, what are you doing? Come on, out you get.
Why? Where are you going?
Chelsea. Did you not hear me?
Where am I going?
Go meet Louisa at Chieftain.
They're the twats behind all of this. She'll fill you in.
But the headline is they hired a team with a hidden agenda, still holding Standish.
Is it not on the way? Can I not just come with you?
Yes...
and no.
Ma'am.
- Afternoon, ma'am. - I need to address the hub.
It seems Cartwright got out through the car park.
Yeah.
So, I thought we could start an interim report, ma'am.
Yeah.
I paused comms for your address.
As many of you are aware, there was an incursion this morning.
An uncleared agent acquired access to a restricted area.
This was part of an exercise that neither I nor anyone else in MI5 was aware of.
An exercise we failed.
Pending this, there will be a full review of security systems.
Back to work.
You're still here. Well done.
Do you mean that?
We've had our differences, Ingrid,
but I would hate to see you forced out by someone like Judd.
My ultimate loyalty lies with you and the Service.
I can't believe I'm saying that out loud.
Well, I'm not sure how long I'll last.
Given he now has this failure to use to push me around.
What does he want?
To bring in the private sector.
Specifically Chieftain.
He'll never get that through. Not now.
There's been a holdup.
Lamb says the tiger team have their own agenda.
Have they made contact with him over Standish?
No, he found a flat with their prep.
Apparently they want to see the Grey Books.
Well, that's never gonna happen.
Have you heard anything from Chieftain about any of this?
Not a peep. Do you want me to ask?
No.
If there's any mess, it's theirs.
They can clean it up.
That's what I thought.
Thank you, Diana. We have to limit the collateral damage here.
Poor Standish.
I wasn't meaning her, I was talking about us. But yes.
Hopefully she'll come through unscathed.
Good afternoon, sir.
Afternoon, Sly.
Fuck me. This is bigger than my flat.
Do you mind if I smoke?
Yes.
So, Sly.
Now, that's a terrible name. What's it short for? Slime?
I don't know who you are,
but you should know that I own a private security firm,
which means I have some very dangerous people in my pay.
Yeah. Too fucking right they're dangerous.
That Sean Donovan, one of your tiger team, is an absolute fruit basket.
Catherine Standish.
One of my team, in case you're wondering why I give a shit.
I see.
No, I don't think you do.
Donovan's gone rogue.
Won't let Standish go until he's had a look at the Grey Books.
Standish should have been released hours ago.
Oh, well, it hasn't happened.
And what the fuck are the Grey Books?
The Grey Books examine every conspiracy theory from the last 100 years.
And, you know, surprise, surprise, decide that they're all bollocks.
But there are some nut cases out there who think the Grey Books will prove that
Elvis shot JFK, and Hitler built the pyramids.
I don't know anything about this.
Jesus Christ. This is a fucking disaster.
Yeah, ain't it just. That's why I thought I'd pay you a visit.
And nothing's happening, you see.
No Standish, no request for the Grey Books.
Nothing.
I need it all unblocked.
Yeah, speaking of which--
Anyway,
get it sorted.
I imagine neither of us wanna see the other again.
Fucking hell. Oh, God, I hope that don't go into the groundwater.
Here, you wanna keep that? Mask the smell?
No.
I advise you to leave quickly.
I'd advise you to leave the windows open.
What the hell happened to you?
Just Duffy.
Then Hobbs.
What? Did they beat you up?
Yes, obviously.
- Wow. - So why are we here then?
Lamb wants us to get Chieftain's file on the op,
background on Donovan and the team.
Seems that they have their own agenda.
- Are they gonna give that to us? - Yeah, they are. We're MI5.
Who the fuck are they?
A multimillion-pound security firm with connections to the Home Secretary.
Well, I don't give a shit. Bankrupting myself having four coffees,
hanging out here watching these cocks swan in and out. So, come on.
Hey, listen, fuckers.
Yeah, you've kept me waiting there for hours, and I want answers.
You people-- You can't put me through the wringer like that, yeah,
and expect it to be all smoothed over with a fucking phone call.
I want money. I want moola, moola. You understand? I don't--
- I know, actually-- - Hey! Whoa.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, my God. River.
- And the lovely Louisa. - Go fuck yourself.
Need to speak to whoever's in charge of this morning's op.
- I'll see if they're free. - What? Okay. What?
So you jump when MI5 ask, but Joe Public can go whistle, can he?
- Fuck's sake. - Shut up.
Listen.
So, you-- you know it was a tiger team?
I do now, yeah. I didn't when I was standing on that bridge
with a fucking sniper sight on my chest.
These people-- They've been paid a fortune for this op.
And after what I've been through, I want a taste.
You should get some too.
Hey, do you wanna go in together? Whatever they offer we ask for triple.
No, I'm fine, mate.
- Hey. - I'm here to do a job.
Hey, I know we've had our history, right?
But for once we're on the same side. We both got played.
You always get played, Spider.
There's a good point.
Did you get the file?
No. But I coulda done.
Lamb pulled me out.
How's your sister then? Is she okay?
She's fine, mate. Standish okay?
Well, there's been a bit of a holdup.
But of course can't go into that because you're not in the Service anymore.
- So. Yeah. - That's told me.
Talking of which--
I know we never had a chance to chat after
- that whole disaster with the Russians. - No, save it.
No, this is long overdue, and I--
I feel terrible that I didn't reach out and say this earlier.
But...
I forgive you.
- Excuse me? - I got shot
while you were running security, but I forgive you.
Okay. Okay.
- He's not worth it, is he? - You can go through now.
The Command and Control Executive Officer is ready to speak to you.
God, that's a twat-y title.
- That's the private sector for you. - If you'd like to follow me.
Mr. Webb, you can come through now as well.
So you were a while in hospital then?
Couple of months.
Lucky for some.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
I heard you quit before they could fire you.
Not quite in that order. They gave me the option.
Slough House or leave the Service. So I left.
- No offense. - Literally none taken.
So where are you working now then?
Well...
here.
Say hello to your Command and Control Executive Officer.
You fucking-- Fuck off.
I weren't lying.
I am here for compensation. A big, fat fucking bonus.
I should split it with ya, but I won't.
How'd you know we were coming?
Didn't. Saw you outside staking the place out,
told everyone to play along if you came in and you did...
with Cart-wrong.
- The gods are smiling on me today. - Oh, my God, you're so pathetic.
- Am I? - Yeah.
With my six-figure private sector salary, company car, and massive penis.
Thank you, River. Thank you. You were magnificent.
Judd wanted Chieftain to run a tiger team on the Park.
They reached out to me as an ex-employee
and set me the task of selecting the biggest sucker on the books.
I got to say, it didn't take long.
R to the I to the V-E-R.
God, you know what?
I almost feel guilty about accepting that huge consultancy fee
for literally a minute's work.
I knew you'd take the bait again.
Tear off and try and be a hero.
River, please believe me. Please believe me.
They're gonna kill my sister and her-- her-- her kids.
Rafer, you fucker. Come here, mate. Come here.
Oh, mate.
Rafer was the sniper. Show 'em your rifle.
Nice one, mate.
Oh, God.
You don't even have a sister, do you?
No, I do. But we haven't spoken in years. She's a total bitch.
Are you gonna give us your files on Donovan and the team?
Nah. You can kiss my unwashed anus.
Je-- They're not letting her go, Spider.
All under control.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
the boss and I have a lunch with the Home Secretary.
I'm gonna be part of an advisory committee on improving MI5's efficiency.
Do you wanna know my first recommendation? It's a good one.
Shut down Slough House.
- I'm gonna fucking break your neck you f-- - All right. Let's go.
You should be thanking me.
You don't want to be there, River, mate. Time to move on to your true calling.
Shoving fruit up your arse on OnlyFans.
If you ever want a job, Guy, just drop me a line.
You'll at least get an interview. Microphone drop.
It's mic drop you--
Yeah! Yes, mate. Love it.
- Fucking Spider. - Fucking you.
- What? - It was Spider, again.
- You should have known. - What do you mean I should've known?
- So fucking humiliating. - How did--
Literally the number of times
I wanted to punch him in the face and that-- It was just better.
It was better than a punch in the face. It was better than a dart in the face.
Do you know what I'm saying? You just missed Cartwright. It was butane.
I have just been threatened by a Jackson fucking Lamb
because Standish is still being held.
- Oh, that? - What do you mean, "Oh, that"?
You told me it had all gone like clockwork.
It has and it will.
Nothing is gonna happen to Standish or our guy that they're holding.
What guy?
Jesus. This gets worse and worse. Tell me where we're at. No bullshit.
It's actually quite--
Anyway, they demanded a meet with me, due to begin shortly,
from where I will escort them to have a look at something
- called the Grey Books. - Yes. Lamb told me about the Grey Books.
How does Lamb know?
Oh, God knows. He seems to know everything.
What are you going to do?
Well, not show, obviously.
They have two fucking hostages, and you propose to stand them up?
There is no way MI5 are gonna open up the Grey Books for them.
And they're not actually gonna kill anyone.
They'll realize they're making twats of themselves and release her soon enough.
You're going to the meet. I want this sorted.
We have our lunch with Judd.
No. I have a lunch with Judd.
You're not going unless our guy and Standish are both released.
How am I supposed to do that?
You're ex-MI5. Pull some strings or pay them off.
- With what? - Your fucking fee. I don't give a shit.
Donovan really believes some of this shit.
As do I, by the way. There's no way we've been to the Moon.
He posts on conspiracy sites under a handle, obviously.
I might have even interacted with him.
Where would a twat like Peter Judd have lunch?
What's that?
That's my beautiful bonus, which I'm giving you.
It's not about money.
Fuck off. It's always about money.
By the way, did you bribe Taverner to ring me with that reference?
She got me the job at Chieftain. Christ knows why she wanted you.
- I want to see the Grey Books. - Not gonna happen.
- Then we have a problem. - Okay. I've tried the carrot.
- Do you want me to get out the stick? - I'm the one with the stick.
We have two hostages. If you wanna see them again, you know what you have to do.
Sorry. Can we just cut the bullshit, okay?
They're not hostages, and you're not gonna do anything to them.
It's just a game, mate. A big fucking stupid game.
Now, I don't know why you're doing this, and I don't care, but I want it to stop.
Don't walk away from me, dickhead. Stop.
I command you to stop.
I'm late for a lunch at Anna Livia's with the Home Secretary.
I can't show my face until Standish is released.
Now stop fucking around and tell me where she is.
Go to your lunch.
Enjoy your hors d'oeuvres.
But don't play the big man, you slick twat.
I'm not gonna take lessons on being a man from someone who couldn't hold it together
when their secret fuck buddy killed herself.
Yeah, I read your file, twat.
Now listen to me. I--
And I'd advise you to stay down.
Hey.
You sure it makes sense to keep Tearney?
Well, for the time being.
We need to make sure the cultural changes you propose are bedded in enough
that her successor cannot reverse them.
Your guest, Mr. Webb, is here.
Send him over.
I reminded him the dress code is smart-casual,
but he was quite curt and dismissive.
I will allow it because he's your guest, but if you could have a word...
What the fuck are you doing here?
I have to keep going higher up to get this sorted out.
Fuck me. Every ponce and his brother.
I thought the tiger team operation was successfully concluded.
It is. Small hiccup. Webb is dealing with it.
Well, once you've delivered her back, I'll leave you be. Give us a chip.
I'm not sure we've ever properly met.
Yeah, well, it feels like we have.
I've met plenty of your sort before.
If you've come to tell me what you think of me,
I should warn you, I have an incredibly thick skin.
So your barbs might not wound as much as you hope.
I'm sorry to disappoint. I don't think of you at all.
Christ, that's good.
How much does that cost?
More than your monthly salary.
What do you want? Other than Standish.
I just wanna be left alone.
But then you came along and fucked with my chi.
You see, Standish runs my diary.
Now, without her, I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing.
So I've got all this spare time to come and fuck with you.
Check his pulse.
I can't find a pulse.
His airways are clear, but he's not breathing.
Jesus Christ. That's Webb.
Who was it who said,
"You cannot reason with a tiger when your head is in its mouth"?
Churchill.
But that won't be Webb calling,
seeing as he's now outside impersonating roadkill.
No, that'll be your tiger team, looking for your head.