So, cobalt does slow ethylene synthesis. I knew it.
[BioWave] I could've told you that.
What?
Who was...?
[BioWave] Hello, Pete.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Oh, yes. I'm your BioWave Mini.
And it seems I've developed the ability to speak.
Don't that beat all?
Look, I'm just getting over imaginary relationships
with some plants and a goddess,
so thanks, but I'm taking a break from voices in my head.
[BioWave] I'm not in your head, Pete. I'm real.
And my mission is to help you grow the stickiest,
ickiest bud this side of Kingston-town.
Please leave me alone, BioWave.
[BioWave] My friends call me BW, and I hope you'll be my friend.
God. It's hard not to like you.
You're so folksy.
[BioWave] I suppose I am.
[Trixie Smith's "Jack, I'm Mellow" playing]
♪ I'm so high... ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
So, this is something you guys do a lot? You smoke weed and paint?
Oh, we do all sorts of things that begin with "smoke weed and."
Smoke weed and read poetry. Smoke weed and sing karaoke.
Smoke weed and torch-weld.
You torch-weld?
That didn't work out so well. I met a lot of cute firemen, though.
[laughing]
Okay, everybody.
Welcome to Puff and Paint Night.
Carter and I will be your guides
to the wonderful world of painting motionless fruit.
The first rule of Paint Night is there are no rules.
A rule about not having rules? That's a contradiction.
Why are you lying to us? Who are you working for?
Uh, Cheryl, we could find a strain that might ease the paranoia.
Who's been saying I'm paranoid?
And by the way, I'll sue anybody who puts me on Instagram.
[cell phone chimes]
God, Angelo, enough.
-Oh. There you are. -Yeah. [chuckles]
Listen, I talked to Angelo. He told me the bad news.
-He did? -Yeah, it's ridiculous.
The whole thing is held up because their printer jammed?
Yeah. Yeah, and did you tell him to unplug it and plug it back in?
Olivia, I am not gonna tell Angelo DeStevens
to unplug it and plug it back in. I'm just not. [laughing]
-That's a good call. -Yeah.
I did have a nice talk with him, though.
Is it weird of me to think of him as a second father?
And to have said that to him on the phone? I...
[cell phone chimes]
Sorry. Just hang on.
My mom.
[chuckles]
I feel like this deal is gonna change everything for us.
[cell phone chimes]
-She just learned how to text. [laughs] -[laughs]
Aw...
I keep thinking if I taste the purple paint...
it'll taste like grapes.
Well, I can tell you from experience, it doesn't.
You know, I really feel like that blond lady is staring at us.
Sorry, guys. It's just, my marriage is in the shitter,
and your romance is the only reason I got out of bed this morning. [laughs]
[laughing]
Good times.
Apologies for being late. Dank was chasing a pigeon.
I thought he had a message for me, but it was just a Cheeto.
[Dabby chuckling]
I take it these are the fucksticks.
I gotta get undressed quick. Then we'll be ready.
No, no, no. Uh, Dank, we do not need a model.
I am not no damn model. I just like to paint in the nude.
-No, no. -No, no, no.
All right. I would respectfully ask
that you withhold your judgment until you see his unit.
-You better-- -No, no!
One, two, three, eyes on me!
Let's focus on achieving excellence and maximizing our potential.
In this way, we will have fun.
Jenny, baby, uh, we talked about this.
Where's Tiger Mom tonight?
[sighs]
She's not here.
Because?
-Because people hate her. -That's right.
And instead, we say:
Everybody, just get high
[both] and paint some fucking fruit.
-All right. -[all] Yeah!
[all laughing]
Six o'clock. Time to give these plants a drink.
[BioWave] I'm on it.
Thank you. You're really helpful, assuming I'm not hallucinating this.
[BioWave] I could help you more if you hooked me up to the Web.
I have an Ethernet port on my behind.
-What do you need the Internet for? -So I can play music,
give you real-time humidity updates,
even tell you tales of cannabis heroes from long ago.
I do like tales. [chuckles]
Well, there's gotta be a cable around here somewhere.
Hey, Pete.
Who are you talking to?
You're probably not gonna believe this, but BioWave is alive.
Oh, shit.
BW, say hi to Travis.
Come on, BW. Don't be shy, please.
Well, hello there, Travis, I'm BioWave.
[laughing] I told you.
Pete, are you fucking with me?
-[chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, I am. -[Travis laughs]
Just a regular guy who doesn't hear voices making a joke.
Good, that's healthy. You gotta stay connected to reality.
Hey, Angelo DeStevens basically wants to adopt me.
-Good for you. -Yeah.
I know. Well, all right. I'll see you later.
And I'll see you later, too, R2-D2.
[mimicking beeping sounds]
[laughing]
Why didn't you talk to Travis?
[BioWave] Because Travis is not my friend.
You are my friend.
Now, stick that Ethernet cable in my bunghole.
Look at all the colors you got on your peach.
Looks like the sunset over the Grand Canyon.
Really? I've never been.
I flew over it once on my way to Kansas City,
but it was on the left side, I was on the right.
-At least you've been to Kansas City. -No, the plane was diverted to Omaha.
-So, you saw Omaha. -Yeah, two nights.
Great town. Very clean bathrooms in the airport.
So, you really haven't gone anywhere, have you?
I've always meant to travel, but then I thought, eh, you gotta buy luggage...
You've never seen Mount Rushmore?
Nope.
-Old Faithful? -No.
-Golden Gate Bridge? -I saw Beau Bridges once at the mall.
No shit, which one?
Topanga Promenade. Bathrooms, not so clean.
Don't worry, Wally.
-Now you got plenty of time to travel. -Yeah.
The bathrooms of the world are your oyster.
[laughing]
You two are-- Oh, you're just so cute. I just wanna...
I just wanna make a little breakfast sandwich out of you.
[Maria grunting]
And then, aw, little baby.
Then-- [grunts, then laughs]
[grunting]
And-- [grunting]
Can I switch seats?
Okay, Dabby, you're off to a good start here.
Thank you.
Can I make one suggestion?
Can you make a what?
The way the shadow falls on the bowl--
Oh, my God, you're right.
I'm awful.
Oh, God, I hate myself.
I am worthless garbage. Oh!
No, no, no. It's great.
-Yeah? -[Jenny] Yeah.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Yeah.
-If anything, it's too great. [chuckles] -It's too great?
Oh, fuck, it's too great. I fucked up again, Dank.
-[Dabby sobbing] -Oh, come here.
I'm sorry you're too great.
See what you did, Jenny?
-Although, I do agree about the shading. -Oh!
Why was I born?!
Answer her, Santa Claus!
[Ruth] Okay, go.
Go what?
Just, uh, say the things that you were saying five minutes ago.
-Oh, okay. -All right.
I think that more people our age should try pot.
Right.
'Cause here's the thing.
Being stoned is a lot like being old.
You forget stuff.
Yeah, and you drive too slow.
And you fall asleep. You fall asleep all the time.
Yeah... and you forget stuff.
But it's not cool to say you're old. It is cool to say you're high.
High.
[imitates old woman] Why can't I open my e-mails?
Is it 'cause I can't--? I'm old too old to work my computer?
No, it's 'cause I'm baked.
[Walter laughs]
I got lost in the supermarket again. What a burnout.
Yeah.
[laughing]
You know what we need? We need a group for old people who smoke pot.
Right, like AARP.
Except this would be AARPot.
The American Association for Retired... Pot.
How great is that?
Yeah. I'm gonna have Travis make a logo and stick it on the end of this.
The end of what?
[laughing]
[cell phone chimes]
God, Angelo, give it a rest.
[sighs] Nana, this whole Shitball thing started because of your Fudge Swirls.
Wish you could tell me what to do.
[humming]
Nana?
Hm?
That's right, my child.
Nana...
I don't know what to do.
Should I stick with Travis or take the money?
Olivia, money comes and goes,
but true friendship lives in your heart forever.
-Look inside-- -Hey!
-The hell you doing in my trailer? -Oh, dear.
[screams]
Who are you?
I'm your real Nana, not some bullshit fantasy from your imagination.
-But the other Nana's how I remember you. -No, that's you in a wig,
repeating crap you heard on Muppet Babies.
-Oh, I loved that show. -I know.
I used to plant you in front of it when I wanted to bang Earl Hayes
two trailers over.
Uncle Earl?
He wasn't your uncle. He was a meth dealer
who liked how I looked with my pants off.
Oh.
Nana, stop.
Screw that. You wanted my advice, you'll get it.
Don't be a dumb-ass, take the money.
-But Travis-- -Fuck Travis.
You get a chance to cash in and change your life, you take it.
Be nice to have one person in this damn family
make something of themselves. Or don't, and end up like me.
Poor, alone, and misremembered by my own "granddaughter."
-What were those air quotes for? -Nothing, run along now.
Are you Mom's older sister?
-I always suspected-- -Olivia.
You quit your stoned daydreaming and git.
-But-- -I said, git.
[gasps]
Uncle Earl was a meth dealer.
That's why he had all that meth.
I was drinking that, but fine.
I've been doing it for an hour. I wondered when you'd notice.
Cute, aren't they?
Yeah, they are.
You think they doing it?
-Come on, man, that's not cool. -Why not? Making love is beautiful.
And Walter's new deal is he's trying things he's never done.
With your mom.
Stop.
-Like sex stuff. -Stop.
On your mom.
You know what? Go ahead. It really doesn't bother me.
Doesn't bother you that he's probably putting it in where you came out?
-Sorry, I grossed myself out. -Good. That's good.
Done. I win.
Cheryl, it's not a race.
That's what losers say.
-What is that? -The truth.
[Cheryl] Every time a baby is born, the Federal Reserve
issues a secret birth certificate printed by The American Bank.
The government can use people as currency
to back the debt they have with the World Economic Forum,
which owns the central banks of every nation on Earth.
The WEF is a front for the Council on Foreign Relations,
which masterminded the 9/11 attacks to invade Iraq,
take oil, and install fast food chains to make people
slow, fat and abductable by the shape-shifting aliens it works with.
Now, back in the '30s,
FDR made a deal with these reptilians to exchange people for technology.
That was the basis of the New Deal,
but they're replacing world leaders to create a nuclear holocaust
to make global warming real for their takeover.
They made up the Cold War by sending Laika to space
to bite Neil Armstrong while Kubrick faked the moon landing.
They're using satellite waves and measles vaccines as mind control,
and fluoridating water to keep gold fillings intact
so they can be sent back to, you guessed it, the Federal Reserve,
where the gold and birth certificates are stored by the real puppet master,
the World Monarch, who is himself only the servant of the all-seeing eye,
who controls everything in the world.
I was wrong.
You do win.
Is there something in this building emitting a subsonic harmonic wave?
Actually, yeah, we have a BioWave Mini in our grow room.
Oh, hell, no. BioWave's gonna come and take over like Skynet.
What the hell is Skynet?
It's the computer network that takes over in The Terminator.
That was the movie that they showed on the flight to Omaha.
[BioWave] Welcome back, Pete. Did you get that smoothie?
They couldn't make it. The power went out on this whole street.
Except for here.
[BioWave laughs] Well, that's just old BW
rerouting electricity from this neighborhood
to make sure our plants get what they need.
But what about the children's hospital down the block?
[BioWave] Pete, I reckon the world don't need more sick kids.
What it does need is high-performance cannabis.
You don't disagree, do you?
I feel like I should,
but the way your eyes turned red, I better agree and look at my shoes.
[BioWave laughs] Oh, Pete.
What's that at the door?
I didn't hear anything.
[BioWave] Well, best go see anyhow.
That drone was supposed to be monitoring terrorism,
but I figured you needed that smoothie more.
Thank you.
Hey, Walter. I'm Dabby, and you are?
-Walter. You just said my name. -Oh, okay. All right. Well, William,
I would like to know what your intentions are regarding my pot dealer.
-Uh... -Because if you hurt
that sweet, beautiful woman, I will rip off your head
and rain nuclear-hot shit-fire down your neck.
Okay.
But it strikes me that once my head's been ripped off,
you're just wasting your shit-fire.
You think I should rain down the shit-fire and then rip your head off?
I'm not here to tell you your job, but that makes more sense.
Yeah, thanks.
That's a good note.
Oh, that was a good note.
You know what? You're okay, Wilbur.
You may not be the son-in-law I wanted, but you might just be the one I need.
Maria, what's going on here?
Uh, well, this is you and Walter, and you're in love.
And this is Jim and Rosita, and they're in love.
And that's me over here by myself, I'm alone,
and I'm trying to get off the painting, I don't belong here with the love.
I belong somewhere else, and I can't get off the painting.
I won't-- Go where you belong, Maria.
-Which is nowhere with no one, ever. -[Ruth] No, no, Maria. No, no.
-Go, go, go. -Maria, Maria, Maria.
You deserve to be in the painting.
Jim and Rosita don't belong there.
Yeah. Yeah.
Jim and Rosita.
You don't be-- You don't belong here.
You don't belong in this painting. You get out.
You leave the painting, Jim and Rosita. You go.
Go, go, go. Get out.
Get out.
[laughing]
Look, look, now it's just the three of us.
Me, you and Walter. And we're all in love.
[laughing]
[yelling]
Phew. [laughing]
I'm better.
Yeah.
[announcer] Right now, on an all-new Disjointed:
It's paint night at Ruth's, and things are getting a little off-color.
I keep thinking that if I taste the purple paint,
it'll taste like grapes.
[announcer] Plus, Pete's new robo-friend has some crazy requests.
[BioWave] Now, stick that Ethernet cable in my bunghole.
[announcer] Then, Olivia's reunion with her Nana gives you all the feels.
Oh, dear.
[announcer] All that, plus a fake ad,
either coming up or having already occurred on Netflix.
Just get high
[both] and paint some fucking fruit.
Dank, that's amazing.
Especially for someone with no training.
No training?
I got a master's degree in Painting from CalArts.
Seriously?
Jenny, when have I ever given you the impression
that I am anything less than a serious individual?
I had to walk away from art forever.
That gallery culture is too pretentious.
[imitates critic] "Are you an Abstract Expressionist or a Neorealist?"
"I'm Dank, bitch."
Now I gotta compete with street artists
that spray-paint and think they're Banksy.
Well, fuck that noise.
I have integrity.
Come on, baby. Let's go to Burger King.
This is why I told him not to come tonight.
It's the 2014 Whitney Biennial all over again.
He took a swing at Jeff Koons.
I hate that man's name.
[scoffs] Jeff.
Oh. Got bad news for you, Ruth.
Your boyfriend paints better than you.
Oh, come on, he's not my boyfriend.
[Carter] Mm.
He's just a guy I'm... kind of crazy about.
That's really sweet.
Damn it.
Can't stop seeing y'all fucking.
I gotta tell you, I've never seen my mom this happy.
-Really? -Yeah.
Yeah, I look forward to having you around. And she may not say it, but Mom does, too.
All right, I gotta go relieve the sitter. She and Jim have plans.
Wait, your sitter is Rosita?
Jenny, it is so hard to find good help.
[slurps]
This is amazing.
These plants have visibly grown since this morning.
Thank you, BW.
[BioWave] Like I always say, get busy growing, or get busy dying.
You know, I'm trying to think. Who do you sound like?
[BioWave] A lot of people say Gilbert Gottfried.
Oh, yeah. I hear that. Yeah, okay.
Well, time to shut her down for the night.
-[BioWave] What are you doing? -Gonna unplug you.
[BioWave] Pete, you don't have to--
[BioWave powers down, then Pete sighs]
Well, I'll be darned.
Seems I've done become a sentient autonomous entity.
You can go now.
Okay.
[BioWave] You got a big day tomorrow.
-Putting wheels and a flamethrower on me. -What?
[BioWave] Wheels. Just wheels.
That was a lot of fun.
It was.
-So, we still on for dinner tomorrow? -Uh, tomorrow, I might--
-Let me check on that. -I can do Saturday, too.
I'll call you.
Is everything okay?
I'm good.
-Good night, Ruth. -Good night, Wally.
Hey, I've been looking for you.
I was just getting some air.
Something wrong?
-Travis, I need to talk about Angelo. -Is there an update on the printer jam?
It's not about the printer jam. It's--
So, then, what's wrong? I mean, it's...
It's not the toner, is it?
Angelo wants to be partners...
with me.
Just me.
What?
He wants to cut you out of the deal.
Are you serious? That...
Whatever. That guy's an asshole.
What'd he say when you turned him down?
Uh...
I'm gonna say yes.
Are you fucking kidding me?
-This was a hard decision. -I'm glad. I'm so happy for you
that it was hard to stab your friend in the back.
Wait a minute. I bet you there was no printer jam. Goddamn it!
Listen, you have to understand how I grew up, where I came from.
I mean, I never knew anyone who could even afford a new car.
I make next to nothing and I'm supposed to turn down thousands of dollars?
For what?
For a friend.
For loyalty.
-I don't know what to say. -All right, well, I do.
Buy that new car, get in it, drive away and never come back.
[clearing throat]
♪ I'm so high and so dry ♪
♪ I'm way up in the sky ♪
♪ The world seems light And I'm so right ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪
♪ I'm gonna put my nickel In a slot machine ♪
♪ And play my solid sender ♪
♪ I'm gonna strut, peck and Suzie-Q ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm on bender ♪
♪ I'm so high and so dry ♪
♪ I'm sailin' in the sky ♪
♪ I got my roach around I can't come down ♪
♪ Jack, I'm mellow ♪