1
00:00:03,106 --> 00:00:06,626
You couldn't leave Waffles
back at the mansion
for two hours?

2
00:00:06,661 --> 00:00:08,221
It's good to see
you haven't changed much.

3
00:00:08,249 --> 00:00:10,529
Still jousting with strangers
over absolutely nothing.

4
00:00:10,562 --> 00:00:13,322
Are you lumberjacks?
We're musicians, asshole.

5
00:00:13,358 --> 00:00:15,738
You're an asshole.
You're a total dick, man.

6
00:00:15,774 --> 00:00:19,674
I push people away, and it's
something I gotta work on,
'cause it only hurts me.

7
00:00:19,709 --> 00:00:22,989
And I gotta work on
getting along with you

8
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,513
and the world at large.

9
00:00:24,541 --> 00:00:27,721
I'm a critic with
an impeccable reputation.

10
00:00:27,751 --> 00:00:30,171
I'm a published author,
for Christ sakes.

11
00:00:30,202 --> 00:00:33,522
Huh?
I'm somebody...ish.

12
00:00:33,550 --> 00:00:36,170
You haven't written
anything in, like, years.

13
00:00:36,208 --> 00:00:38,348
I could if wanted.
Well, then do it.

14
00:00:40,247 --> 00:00:42,177
I think you're onto
something, Claire.

15
00:00:47,875 --> 00:00:49,595
[BIRD SQUAWKING]

16
00:00:49,635 --> 00:00:51,565
Appreciate you letting me
drag you along on my hike,

17
00:00:51,603 --> 00:00:53,543
but slow the fuck down,
Sonic the Hedgehog.

18
00:00:53,570 --> 00:00:56,230
If I was walking any slower,
I'd be standing.

19
00:00:56,263 --> 00:00:58,203
I'm not even
working up a sweat.

20
00:00:58,230 --> 00:00:59,400
I'm sweating plenty.

21
00:00:59,438 --> 00:01:00,918
You sweat
when you read.

22
00:01:00,957 --> 00:01:03,987
Yeah. So do 10 million
other James Patterson fans.

23
00:01:04,029 --> 00:01:06,029
Besides,
I have hyperhidrosis.

24
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,546
Hyperhidr...
You don't have that.

25
00:01:08,585 --> 00:01:10,725
It's not a real thing.
It is, too, ignor-anus.

26
00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:12,560
I'll prove it do you.
[BUTTONS CLICKING]

27
00:01:12,589 --> 00:01:14,559
[SPRAY CAN HISSING]
Hey.

28
00:01:16,938 --> 00:01:18,908
What are you doing?

29
00:01:18,940 --> 00:01:20,530
What do you mean?

30
00:01:21,598 --> 00:01:25,048
Uh, I didn't think
that I was being cryptic,

31
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,425
but I'll try again.

32
00:01:26,465 --> 00:01:27,635
What are you doing?

33
00:01:29,158 --> 00:01:30,568
Expressing myself.

34
00:01:30,607 --> 00:01:32,397
On a rock?

35
00:01:32,437 --> 00:01:33,677
Yeah.

36
00:01:33,714 --> 00:01:36,304
Look, I hate all graffiti,

37
00:01:36,337 --> 00:01:39,477
but at least do it
on a fucking building
or a subway car.

38
00:01:40,514 --> 00:01:43,284
Okay, what are you,
the graffiti Gestapo?

39
00:01:43,310 --> 00:01:45,860
So, what...
What do we have here?
What do we have?

40
00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:49,448
"As she dances
in the bandwidth...

41
00:01:49,488 --> 00:01:51,868
"...of her redolent frown."

42
00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:53,604
What does that mean?

43
00:01:53,630 --> 00:01:55,940
Wow.
Do not click on images

44
00:01:55,977 --> 00:01:57,567
when you look up
"hyperhidrosis."

45
00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:00,290
Stand by. Seriously, what...
What does that mean?

46
00:02:00,327 --> 00:02:02,667
Uh, I think it's
pretty self-explanatory.

47
00:02:02,708 --> 00:02:06,158
Yeah. You...
You couldn't explain that

48
00:02:06,195 --> 00:02:08,745
if you had a gun
and a dick pointed at ya.

49
00:02:08,783 --> 00:02:10,613
[LAUGHS]
And a dick.

50
00:02:11,821 --> 00:02:15,001
Okay, maybe you're just
not smart enough to get it.

51
00:02:15,031 --> 00:02:17,791
Oh, well,
enlighten me, Banksy.

52
00:02:17,827 --> 00:02:19,137
Okay.

53
00:02:20,968 --> 00:02:23,138
Uh...

54
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:26,007
Okay, well, it's
about a... A girl,

55
00:02:26,042 --> 00:02:29,702
and she's dancing,
and she's frowning.

56
00:02:29,735 --> 00:02:31,455
She's dancing,
and she's frowning.

57
00:02:31,496 --> 00:02:32,976
Got that.

58
00:02:33,014 --> 00:02:35,294
And, you know, the...
She... The...

59
00:02:35,327 --> 00:02:36,707
She has the bandwidth.

60
00:02:36,742 --> 00:02:38,952
The bandwidth of her life
in a post-Trump...

61
00:02:41,713 --> 00:02:43,443
Fuck, I don't know
what it means, man.

62
00:02:43,473 --> 00:02:45,863
No, I didn't think so,
'cause it's horse shit.

63
00:02:45,889 --> 00:02:47,679
Trust me, I know
what I'm talking about.

64
00:02:47,719 --> 00:02:49,999
I have a pretty good nose for
sniffing out people who are,

65
00:02:50,031 --> 00:02:52,791
how do I put this kindly,

66
00:02:52,827 --> 00:02:54,377
totally bereft of talent.

67
00:02:56,486 --> 00:02:57,796
Wow.

68
00:02:58,488 --> 00:03:00,318
No, you're right.

69
00:03:00,352 --> 00:03:02,702
I thought maybe
I was a poet, but...

70
00:03:05,875 --> 00:03:07,005
I guess...

71
00:03:07,773 --> 00:03:09,223
I guess
my father was right.

72
00:03:11,708 --> 00:03:13,048
I'm nothing.

73
00:03:13,089 --> 00:03:15,019
There ya go.

74
00:03:19,337 --> 00:03:22,027
Don't you think you were
a little hard on that dude?

75
00:03:22,063 --> 00:03:23,203
What dude?

76
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:24,787
That...
That dude.

77
00:03:24,825 --> 00:03:26,515
Oh, no.

78
00:03:26,551 --> 00:03:30,041
One thing
I know about artists,
they have thick skin.

79
00:03:30,071 --> 00:03:32,761
♪♪

80
00:03:41,704 --> 00:03:44,574
So there I was,
face-to-face with Liz Solomon,

81
00:03:44,603 --> 00:03:46,853
first time I've seen her
since high school.

82
00:03:46,881 --> 00:03:49,371
Jesus,
she's even prettier now.

83
00:03:49,401 --> 00:03:51,401
I contacted her
because she's an artist

84
00:03:51,438 --> 00:03:53,888
and I wanted to commission
a painting of my cat.

85
00:03:53,923 --> 00:03:56,723
Only a pussy would order
a painting of a pussy.

86
00:03:56,753 --> 00:03:59,073
I'd order a painting
of a pussy.

87
00:03:59,100 --> 00:04:00,760
NEW GUY:
Okay, if you must know,

88
00:04:00,792 --> 00:04:02,732
I wasn't only ordering
the painting

89
00:04:02,759 --> 00:04:05,249
just to pay homage
to my cat.

90
00:04:06,591 --> 00:04:09,421
I was using it as an excuse
to get in touch with Liz.

91
00:04:09,456 --> 00:04:13,216
See, I set up
a Google alert, "Liz Solomon
divorce" years ago.

92
00:04:13,977 --> 00:04:16,527
And it finally went off.
Good news.

93
00:04:16,566 --> 00:04:19,356
Oh, I had such a crush
on this girl.

94
00:04:19,397 --> 00:04:21,987
I thought
she had one on me, too.

95
00:04:22,020 --> 00:04:24,950
But then when I went
to pick up my painting
last night,

96
00:04:24,988 --> 00:04:28,268
she didn't remember the inside
joke we had in English class,

97
00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:31,622
and she got my name wrong,
first and last.

98
00:04:31,650 --> 00:04:33,200
Well, what did you expect?

99
00:04:33,238 --> 00:04:35,448
You haven't been
to high school for 50 years.

100
00:04:35,482 --> 00:04:37,212
Forty years.
BEN: Okay.

101
00:04:37,242 --> 00:04:39,282
Hey, chin up, man.

102
00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,253
Unrequited love
gets a bad rap.

103
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,321
How so?

104
00:04:42,351 --> 00:04:44,281
Well, because it's actually
the only kind of love

105
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:45,838
that doesn't
break your heart.

106
00:04:45,871 --> 00:04:49,011
Unlike requited love,
which will tear it out
and shit on it.

107
00:04:49,047 --> 00:04:51,117
I don't understand.
Why are you
so obsessed with her?

108
00:04:51,774 --> 00:04:53,294
I'm not obsessed.

109
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:54,977
Then why do you
look so sad?

110
00:04:55,018 --> 00:04:56,988
I'm not sad.
This is just my face.

111
00:04:57,020 --> 00:04:59,400
I'd be sad, too,
if I had a face like that.

112
00:04:59,437 --> 00:05:00,537
Fuck you.

113
00:05:00,576 --> 00:05:02,126
Ooh.

114
00:05:02,163 --> 00:05:04,103
♪♪

115
00:05:07,030 --> 00:05:08,310
NEW GUY: Rog?

116
00:05:08,998 --> 00:05:10,138
Rog?

117
00:05:11,449 --> 00:05:13,109
Hey.

118
00:05:13,140 --> 00:05:15,250
Didn't hear you there.
Do you have a minute?

119
00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:18,800
Th-There's something
I-I need to talk about.

120
00:05:18,835 --> 00:05:20,245
Maybe I should go
and get Loudermilk.

121
00:05:20,285 --> 00:05:22,315
No.
No, no, no, no.

122
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:24,496
I don't want him
to know my secrets.

123
00:05:24,531 --> 00:05:27,841
But he's our leader,
and he can help you
much more than I can.

124
00:05:27,879 --> 00:05:29,089
No, you don't...
You don't get it.

125
00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:30,881
I-I've never told this
to anyone.

126
00:05:36,232 --> 00:05:37,342
Well?

127
00:05:38,130 --> 00:05:40,340
Look, I know I've talked
a big game,

128
00:05:42,307 --> 00:05:44,167
but I haven't really
banged Rihanna.

129
00:05:45,483 --> 00:05:47,173
Or fingered
Kristin Chenoweth.

130
00:05:48,555 --> 00:05:49,995
I'm disappointed.

131
00:05:50,039 --> 00:05:52,969
There I was living
vicariously through you.

132
00:05:53,007 --> 00:05:55,037
Yeah, I know, I know.
Sorry.

133
00:05:56,425 --> 00:05:59,875
See, what got me so down
about seeing that woman
from high school

134
00:05:59,911 --> 00:06:02,641
was realizing how little
my life had changed.

135
00:06:02,672 --> 00:06:04,332
I mean, professionally,
yeah, I'm killing it.

136
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,994
I'm T. rex
with a monster cock.

137
00:06:06,020 --> 00:06:09,650
But, romantically,
not so much.

138
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:15,030
Tony and Cisco were right.
You're a virgin.

139
00:06:15,892 --> 00:06:17,552
That's crazy.
It's laughable.

140
00:06:17,584 --> 00:06:19,594
I'm just a...

141
00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:20,860
Lip virgin.

142
00:06:22,105 --> 00:06:24,415
What, you mean you've never
gone down on a woman.

143
00:06:24,453 --> 00:06:27,013
Good God, no. Bathroom parts
go with bathroom parts.

144
00:06:27,041 --> 00:06:28,421
But that's not
what I meant.

145
00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:31,491
I meant I've never, uh...

146
00:06:33,703 --> 00:06:35,913
I-I've never
kissed a woman.

147
00:06:35,947 --> 00:06:37,597
What, never?

148
00:06:37,638 --> 00:06:41,118
But how can you have
had sex with a woman
and never been kissed?

149
00:06:42,643 --> 00:06:46,853
Okay, look, I've only
had intercourse
with professional women.

150
00:06:46,889 --> 00:06:48,579
By professional, I don't mean
women with careers.

151
00:06:48,615 --> 00:06:50,265
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I got it.

152
00:06:50,306 --> 00:06:53,096
See, prostitutes
won't let you kiss them.

153
00:06:53,136 --> 00:06:56,446
Yeah, maybe you should
be talking about this
with Loudermilk.

154
00:06:56,485 --> 00:06:58,445
It may be the reason
you did meth.

155
00:06:58,487 --> 00:07:00,727
No, no, no.
You can't tell a soul.

156
00:07:00,765 --> 00:07:03,415
This... Roger, this is
too fuckin' embarrassing.

157
00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:05,767
Well, why are
you telling me?

158
00:07:05,804 --> 00:07:08,124
I don't know.
I needed to tell somebody.

159
00:07:08,151 --> 00:07:09,811
And I feel safe with you
because, you know,

160
00:07:09,843 --> 00:07:11,153
you don't have
complete arms.

161
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,156
No, I...
That came out wrong.

162
00:07:14,192 --> 00:07:17,062
I just meant me and you, like,
we're one of a kind

163
00:07:17,091 --> 00:07:19,271
because we've both been fucked
so badly by God.

164
00:07:20,060 --> 00:07:21,440
No, it's not just that.

165
00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:22,785
You're smarter
and more sensitive

166
00:07:22,821 --> 00:07:24,271
than anybody
in that group,

167
00:07:24,305 --> 00:07:25,955
and you've got
that beautiful accent.

168
00:07:25,997 --> 00:07:28,657
And, look,
can you please help me?

169
00:07:28,689 --> 00:07:30,589
Roger,
you're my best friend.

170
00:07:33,970 --> 00:07:35,460
I'm sorry, man, I can't.

171
00:07:36,317 --> 00:07:39,007
Look, my mum is ill.

172
00:07:39,044 --> 00:07:41,084
Seriously ill, and I've gotta
go back to England

173
00:07:41,115 --> 00:07:42,495
to look after her
for a while.

174
00:07:42,531 --> 00:07:45,151
Yeah, yeah,
that's good for you.
But what about me?

175
00:07:47,639 --> 00:07:49,329
Don't worry.

176
00:07:49,365 --> 00:07:50,675
I'll make sure you get
what you need.

177
00:07:52,299 --> 00:07:53,959
Phew.

178
00:07:53,990 --> 00:07:56,100
I can't believe you dragged me
all the way back here

179
00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:57,820
to look for
a God damn headband.

180
00:07:57,856 --> 00:07:59,926
That headband was a gift
from my pickle ball team.

181
00:07:59,962 --> 00:08:01,692
It's very special,
thanks.

182
00:08:01,722 --> 00:08:03,102
Well, I'll buy you
another one.

183
00:08:03,137 --> 00:08:04,657
I don't even remember
you wearing a head...

184
00:08:04,691 --> 00:08:06,421
What's pickle ball?

185
00:08:06,451 --> 00:08:08,001
You don't know
what pickle ball is?

186
00:08:08,039 --> 00:08:09,659
Well, it's a cross
between tennis and badminton.

187
00:08:09,696 --> 00:08:12,696
It's normally played on grass,
turf, dirt, or sand.

188
00:08:13,803 --> 00:08:15,123
LOUDERMILK: What the
fuck's he doing now?

189
00:08:15,149 --> 00:08:16,359
I told you you were
too hard on the dude.

190
00:08:16,392 --> 00:08:17,812
Now he's gonna
kill himself.

191
00:08:17,842 --> 00:08:20,292
Huh?
No, you don't know that.

192
00:08:20,327 --> 00:08:22,047
He could just be looking
for a better view.

193
00:08:22,087 --> 00:08:23,427
Really? Okay, then
why did he write,

194
00:08:23,468 --> 00:08:25,508
"Goodbye, world,"
on the rocks, then?

195
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:26,819
I don't know.
Oh, boy.

196
00:08:26,851 --> 00:08:28,161
Shit.
Okay.

197
00:08:28,197 --> 00:08:29,467
Go talk to him, man.
This is your fault.

198
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,819
Yeah... My fault?

199
00:08:30,855 --> 00:08:33,195
I shit on the guy for,
like, 30 seconds.

200
00:08:33,236 --> 00:08:34,856
Obviously,
he had prior issues

201
00:08:34,893 --> 00:08:37,973
or he wouldn't be writing
that drivel on rocks.

202
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:41,000
Hey, hey, buddy. What...
What are you doing?

203
00:08:41,037 --> 00:08:44,487
I'm about to jump to my death
because of you, asshole!

204
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,774
The least you could do
is wish me good luck!

205
00:08:46,802 --> 00:08:49,182
Come on down from there.
Don't do anything stupid.

206
00:08:49,218 --> 00:08:50,838
Oh, so now
I'm stupid, too?

207
00:08:50,875 --> 00:08:53,665
No, I said don't do
anything stupid.

208
00:08:53,705 --> 00:08:57,355
Look, I was a jerk
earlier, okay?

209
00:08:57,398 --> 00:09:00,818
I... Your bandwidth poem
is actually pretty...

210
00:09:00,850 --> 00:09:02,300
Pretty... Pretty good.

211
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:04,064
Oh, don't patronize me.

212
00:09:04,095 --> 00:09:07,055
No?
Okay, 'cause it sucked.

213
00:09:07,098 --> 00:09:09,648
Uh, you fucking misspelled
"bandwidth."

214
00:09:09,687 --> 00:09:11,067
How do you know
how to spell "redolent"?

215
00:09:11,102 --> 00:09:13,172
I thought it was great.

216
00:09:13,207 --> 00:09:15,417
You're a wonderful writer!
You have a gift!

217
00:09:15,451 --> 00:09:18,071
[CRYING] No.
No, your friend's right.

218
00:09:18,109 --> 00:09:19,349
It's a joke!

219
00:09:20,249 --> 00:09:22,559
I'm a joke.

220
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:25,286
I can't even
kill myself right.

221
00:09:25,323 --> 00:09:26,533
I've been up here
since this morning

222
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,876
because I don't have
the balls to jump.

223
00:09:28,913 --> 00:09:30,433
Sure, you do!

224
00:09:30,466 --> 00:09:32,776
I mean, you... You have...
You have balls, you know.

225
00:09:32,813 --> 00:09:34,263
You got lots of balls,

226
00:09:34,297 --> 00:09:36,267
and you're gonna do
lots of great stuff, okay?

227
00:09:36,299 --> 00:09:37,849
But you're
not gonna do this.

228
00:09:37,887 --> 00:09:39,297
Because...
Because why?

229
00:09:39,337 --> 00:09:40,437
Plenty of reasons.

230
00:09:40,476 --> 00:09:42,576
I mean,
you're thin, okay.

231
00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,506
I mean, shit, I wish
I had your metabolism.

232
00:09:44,549 --> 00:09:46,029
There's one reason
right there.

233
00:09:46,068 --> 00:09:48,098
And you don't have
hyperhidrosis.

234
00:09:48,139 --> 00:09:50,589
That's for sure.
You're out here in the sun.

235
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,014
You seem to be cool
as a cucumber.

236
00:09:52,039 --> 00:09:53,449
I'm jealous.

237
00:09:53,489 --> 00:09:54,899
Look, I don't know
your full deal, buddy,

238
00:09:54,939 --> 00:09:58,219
but, you know,
we all go through shit.

239
00:09:58,252 --> 00:10:00,772
And we all think that life
can't get any better.

240
00:10:00,807 --> 00:10:03,567
But it... It...
It can.

241
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,263
Well, that's all you got?
Oh, I'm jumping.

242
00:10:06,295 --> 00:10:08,255
Oh, no, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!Whoa, whoa, hey, don't, no!

243
00:10:08,297 --> 00:10:09,747
He's just war...
He's warming up.

244
00:10:09,781 --> 00:10:11,781
Listen, it's not just you
that would be hurt, okay?

245
00:10:11,818 --> 00:10:14,098
Think about the people
who care about you.

246
00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:15,930
Oh, strike two!

247
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,620
No one cares about me!

248
00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,411
I have to go
to restaurants,

249
00:10:20,481 --> 00:10:22,731
even movies alone!

250
00:10:24,209 --> 00:10:27,139
All right, well, if that's
what this is about,
come on down.

251
00:10:27,178 --> 00:10:28,898
I'll go to a movie
with ya.

252
00:10:33,874 --> 00:10:35,294
Which movie?

253
00:10:35,324 --> 00:10:36,844
You pick it.

254
00:10:36,877 --> 00:10:38,907
Just none of that
comic-book bullshit.

255
00:10:40,432 --> 00:10:41,682
When?

256
00:10:42,607 --> 00:10:43,847
Thursday.

257
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:51,031
Well, I mean, I might
have to move a few things
around, but...

258
00:10:51,064 --> 00:10:52,694
Yes.
Fuck it, let's do it!

259
00:10:52,721 --> 00:10:53,831
All right!

260
00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:55,450
Super.
Yeah!

261
00:10:55,482 --> 00:10:56,762
You're gonna live!

262
00:10:57,760 --> 00:10:59,040
Oh.

263
00:10:59,072 --> 00:11:00,832
Can I have some help
getting down?

264
00:11:00,867 --> 00:11:03,347
[STUPID MOUTH SHUTPLAYS]

265
00:11:04,802 --> 00:11:07,982
♪ The sidewalk bends
where your house ends

266
00:11:08,012 --> 00:11:12,022
♪ Like the neighborhood
is on its knees

267
00:11:12,050 --> 00:11:16,020
♪ Surrounded by
a chain-link fence

268
00:11:16,054 --> 00:11:19,994
♪ Keeps me out but lets me see

269
00:11:22,371 --> 00:11:26,511
♪ But someday
when my heart exhales

270
00:11:26,547 --> 00:11:29,787
♪ I'll tell you everything

271
00:11:29,827 --> 00:11:36,317
♪ Those sweet words
spilling all about us

272
00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:41,050
♪ I'll say, "Please
Please be with me"

273
00:11:41,079 --> 00:11:44,839
♪ And I'll breathe so easily

274
00:11:44,876 --> 00:11:49,226
♪ But instead
I'm turning blue

275
00:11:49,260 --> 00:11:51,920
♪ I look at you
and keep my... ♪[DOOR OPENS]

276
00:11:51,952 --> 00:11:53,262
NEW GUY: What are
you guys doing here?

277
00:11:53,298 --> 00:11:55,018
Roger told us
about your lady problems.

278
00:11:55,059 --> 00:11:56,539
I told him
not to tell anyone.

279
00:11:56,577 --> 00:11:58,547
We really want to help.

280
00:11:58,579 --> 00:12:01,069
Okay, okay,
but nobody else, okay?

281
00:12:01,099 --> 00:12:03,029
This just stays within...
Within our gang.

282
00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:04,097
Oh, okay.
Okay.

283
00:12:04,137 --> 00:12:05,897
Don't be ashamed,
New Guy.

284
00:12:05,932 --> 00:12:08,002
Look, it's obvious you made
a success of yourself somehow.

285
00:12:08,037 --> 00:12:09,727
And maybe you haven't had time
for a social life.

286
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:11,523
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, let's go with that.

287
00:12:11,558 --> 00:12:12,728
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

288
00:12:14,561 --> 00:12:16,561
Hey! What the fuck
is he doing here?

289
00:12:16,597 --> 00:12:19,217
Yeah, he was, uh,
eavesdropping on my
conversation with Cloud.

290
00:12:19,255 --> 00:12:21,595
Hey, man.
15-foot rule.

291
00:12:21,637 --> 00:12:23,047
If you don't whisper,

292
00:12:23,087 --> 00:12:26,187
it's rude for anybody
within 15 feet not to listen.

293
00:12:27,194 --> 00:12:28,614
Am I too late?
What did I miss?

294
00:12:28,644 --> 00:12:30,404
This is fucking absurd!

295
00:12:30,439 --> 00:12:31,789
You know what's absurd?

296
00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:34,130
That you prize secrecy
over assistance.

297
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:36,407
These guys are here to help
you pop your lip cherry, man.

298
00:12:36,445 --> 00:12:37,715
Yeah.
I don't want his help.

299
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,657
Oh, I see.
Okay, you don't want my help.

300
00:12:40,690 --> 00:12:43,180
All right, then I guess
I'll just call that chick back

301
00:12:43,210 --> 00:12:45,590
who I set you up with
and tell her it's off, hmm?

302
00:12:45,626 --> 00:12:48,766
What, you set me up?
Why?

303
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,532
Listen,
I'm not a religious man,

304
00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:53,502
but I do believe
that good pussy can
save a man's soul.

305
00:12:53,531 --> 00:12:55,881
And I also thought if I could
get somebody somewhere

306
00:12:55,913 --> 00:12:57,923
to want to kiss you
consensually,

307
00:12:57,949 --> 00:13:01,129
maybe you'd be a little bit
less of a turd all the time.

308
00:13:01,159 --> 00:13:02,609
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry, Mugsy.

309
00:13:02,643 --> 00:13:04,133
That...
That was nice of you.

310
00:13:04,162 --> 00:13:05,892
Yeah.
And she's a great woman.

311
00:13:05,923 --> 00:13:07,513
Tons in common with you.
Mmm.

312
00:13:07,545 --> 00:13:09,365
Except she's good-looking.
Ooh.

313
00:13:09,409 --> 00:13:10,929
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Damn, she's early.

314
00:13:10,962 --> 00:13:13,622
She's here? Why didn't you
tell me she's on her way?

315
00:13:13,654 --> 00:13:15,174
Because I didn't want
to stress you out.

316
00:13:15,208 --> 00:13:16,658
I'm stressed now!

317
00:13:16,692 --> 00:13:18,002
Oh, how do I look?
How do I look?

318
00:13:18,038 --> 00:13:19,178
Don't make us answer
that question.

319
00:13:19,212 --> 00:13:20,772
We want to send you
on the date with confidence.

320
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,490
Oh, hey.
Hey.

321
00:13:23,630 --> 00:13:25,250
TONY: What the hell
are you doing?

322
00:13:25,287 --> 00:13:27,597
You don't throw a Hail Mary
on the first play of the game.

323
00:13:27,634 --> 00:13:29,154
Give me that!

324
00:13:29,187 --> 00:13:30,327
Okay, hey.

325
00:13:30,361 --> 00:13:32,671
Hey, a little privacy,
please.

326
00:13:32,708 --> 00:13:34,398
Backyard.
Backyard!

327
00:13:34,434 --> 00:13:35,504
Oh.

328
00:13:39,370 --> 00:13:40,960
[DOOR CLOSES]

329
00:13:43,684 --> 00:13:44,694
Hi.

330
00:13:46,515 --> 00:13:48,095
Hello.

331
00:13:48,137 --> 00:13:49,997
Um, am I early?

332
00:13:50,691 --> 00:13:52,141
Oh, no.
No.

333
00:13:52,176 --> 00:13:53,516
Um, oh, you know what?
One of my...

334
00:13:53,556 --> 00:13:55,246
One of my cats
just got out.

335
00:13:55,282 --> 00:13:57,732
Could... Could you just stay
there for a second, please?Oh, God, can I help?

336
00:13:57,767 --> 00:13:59,457
No.
No, no, thank you.

337
00:13:59,493 --> 00:14:01,433
That's really sweet of you,
but if you could just, like,

338
00:14:01,461 --> 00:14:03,121
stay right there, please,

339
00:14:03,152 --> 00:14:06,162
in case my cat rings,
you know, the... The doorbell.

340
00:14:12,541 --> 00:14:14,031
What the fuck?

341
00:14:14,060 --> 00:14:16,230
Hey, what are you
so upset about?

342
00:14:16,269 --> 00:14:17,679
She's a midget!

343
00:14:17,718 --> 00:14:19,128
Hey, the correct term
is "little person."

344
00:14:19,168 --> 00:14:20,718
Don't be a racist.

345
00:14:20,756 --> 00:14:23,206
No, no, no,
he can call her that
'cause he's one himself.

346
00:14:23,241 --> 00:14:26,311
Yeah, like you guys
can call each other...

347
00:14:26,348 --> 00:14:28,008
Bro.

348
00:14:28,039 --> 00:14:30,039
Guys, I'm not
a little person.

349
00:14:30,076 --> 00:14:31,726
MUGSY: What?
What are you talking about?

350
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:34,737
Well, I'm saying that
I'm not a little person.

351
00:14:34,770 --> 00:14:37,700
You're telling me
you're not a little person?

352
00:14:37,738 --> 00:14:38,768
No!

353
00:14:38,808 --> 00:14:39,978
All right,
well, God damn!

354
00:14:40,017 --> 00:14:41,667
I don't know
what the cutoff is?
I'm sorry.

355
00:14:43,020 --> 00:14:45,400
What the fuck are you doing
in my pool in your underwear?

356
00:14:45,436 --> 00:14:46,746
You said to make
yourselves at home.

357
00:14:46,782 --> 00:14:48,162
Plus, I was sweaty.

358
00:14:48,197 --> 00:14:50,857
I never said anything
remotely like that.

359
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,580
God, what the fuck am I
gonna do about this girl?

360
00:14:52,615 --> 00:14:54,575
Tell her you're out of town.
She just saw me!

361
00:14:54,617 --> 00:14:56,097
Then tell her
you're going out of town.

362
00:14:56,136 --> 00:14:58,066
I can't cancel.

363
00:14:58,104 --> 00:15:01,354
She'll know it's 'cause
of her height. Look...

364
00:15:01,383 --> 00:15:02,903
I know what it's like
to have a date cancel

365
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:05,346
at the last second
based on how you look.

366
00:15:05,387 --> 00:15:06,867
STEVIE:
This is what you do.

367
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,216
You go on the date, and when
you're out, you pick a fight.

368
00:15:09,253 --> 00:15:11,053
Right? You won't have to
see her again,

369
00:15:11,082 --> 00:15:14,122
and that way, she won't know
that you're a height-ist.

370
00:15:14,154 --> 00:15:16,024
Okay, yeah, yeah.
Pick a fight like a gentleman.

371
00:15:16,053 --> 00:15:17,993
That could work,
yes, thank you.

372
00:15:18,020 --> 00:15:20,260
MAN: [ON TV]
The Wonder-Chopper,
a blade so sharp,

373
00:15:20,298 --> 00:15:22,158
you'll wonder
what it can't cut.

374
00:15:22,197 --> 00:15:25,787
Garlic, tomatoes,
carrots, potatoes.
If you eat it, the...

375
00:15:25,821 --> 00:15:27,621
How do you guys
watch this crap?

376
00:15:27,650 --> 00:15:29,000
It's a commercial.

377
00:15:29,031 --> 00:15:30,901
You don't even know
what the fuck we're watching.

378
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,170
I don't have to.
It's TV. It all sucks.

379
00:15:33,208 --> 00:15:35,938
Oh, does it?
How about Survivor?

380
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,489
And Buddy 'n' Andy.
And why aren't you dressed?

381
00:15:38,523 --> 00:15:40,633
What are you talking about?
You're wearing sweatpants.

382
00:15:40,663 --> 00:15:42,633
I didn't realize
we had a dress code.

383
00:15:42,665 --> 00:15:43,935
No, it's Thursday.

384
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,427
Yeah.

385
00:15:45,461 --> 00:15:47,811
Holy shit.
You promised suicide guy

386
00:15:47,843 --> 00:15:49,293
you'd take him to dinner
and a movie tonight.

387
00:15:49,327 --> 00:15:51,737
So?
It's a guy on a ledge.

388
00:15:51,778 --> 00:15:54,468
You say
whatever you have to.
It's not binding.

389
00:15:54,505 --> 00:15:55,705
Yes, it is.

390
00:15:55,747 --> 00:15:57,577
Besides,
he sounded really nice.

391
00:15:57,611 --> 00:15:59,131
When did you talk to him?

392
00:15:59,165 --> 00:16:01,125
When Ben called him to confirm
your plans for tonight.

393
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:02,337
How do you even
have his number?

394
00:16:02,375 --> 00:16:04,995
We exchanged numbers,
dude.

395
00:16:05,033 --> 00:16:08,933
That's what you do
after a suicide attempt.
Fuck, man.

396
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,868
All right, so you go
hang out with him.

397
00:16:10,900 --> 00:16:13,280
No, no. Suicide guy
is your friend, not mine.

398
00:16:13,317 --> 00:16:15,177
You're the one who's got him
on speed dial.

399
00:16:15,215 --> 00:16:17,355
Hey, look, the guy
might be a psycho.

400
00:16:17,390 --> 00:16:18,810
I don't want to hang out
with him alone.

401
00:16:18,839 --> 00:16:20,259
Okay.
All right, fine.

402
00:16:20,289 --> 00:16:22,189
You know what?
I'll go with ya.

403
00:16:22,222 --> 00:16:23,262
How's that?

404
00:16:24,052 --> 00:16:25,612
This is
a nice restaurant.

405
00:16:25,639 --> 00:16:27,299
Thank you.
Yeah, no worries.

406
00:16:27,331 --> 00:16:29,681
So who did you vote for?
Pardon?

407
00:16:29,712 --> 00:16:31,922
You a Trumpy, like me?
I love that guy.

408
00:16:31,956 --> 00:16:33,986
He sure does what he says
he's gonna do, huh?

409
00:16:34,959 --> 00:16:36,819
I...guess.

410
00:16:38,204 --> 00:16:40,654
I wish he'd build a wall
at the Canadian border.

411
00:16:40,689 --> 00:16:42,659
Many Canadians are rapists,
too, you know.

412
00:16:43,519 --> 00:16:44,759
You're joking, right?

413
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,106
Oh, no, that's how
I really feel.

414
00:16:46,143 --> 00:16:48,183
I find Canadians to be
really, really sleazy.

415
00:16:49,525 --> 00:16:52,175
Um, hey, what's... What's
your view on arming teachers?

416
00:16:52,873 --> 00:16:53,913
Idiotic.

417
00:16:53,943 --> 00:16:55,463
Oh, idiotic, huh?

418
00:16:55,497 --> 00:16:57,637
Sure, sure.
Bury your head in the sand.

419
00:16:57,671 --> 00:17:00,401
Um...
Oh, hey, what do you think

420
00:17:00,433 --> 00:17:02,543
about this
climate change bullshit?

421
00:17:02,573 --> 00:17:04,233
Why are you
asking me this?

422
00:17:04,264 --> 00:17:06,854
That's how you
get to know a person,
by asking them questions.

423
00:17:07,992 --> 00:17:11,482
And why did you insist
on this table?

424
00:17:11,513 --> 00:17:14,793
In a few seconds,
we're gonna be able to
smell what he ordered.

425
00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:17,546
I'm doing really lousy
on this date, aren't I?

426
00:17:17,588 --> 00:17:18,868
Well, you know,
I totally understand

427
00:17:18,899 --> 00:17:20,559
if you never wanted
to see me again.

428
00:17:22,282 --> 00:17:23,972
Is it just me,
or do you find
that gay people

429
00:17:24,008 --> 00:17:25,558
are getting more
and more uppity?

430
00:17:25,596 --> 00:17:27,556
If you want to end this date,
just say the word.

431
00:17:27,598 --> 00:17:29,598
You don't have to go through
this stupid charade.

432
00:17:29,634 --> 00:17:31,534
It's not a charade.
You think I'm an idiot?

433
00:17:31,567 --> 00:17:33,187
I'm totally fine
with leaving.

434
00:17:33,224 --> 00:17:35,334
I could be home right now,
snuggling with my cat,

435
00:17:35,364 --> 00:17:37,824
watching the Penguins game.

436
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:39,579
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You like
the Pittsburgh Penguins?

437
00:17:39,610 --> 00:17:41,680
Love 'em.
Oh, my God,
they're my team, too.

438
00:17:41,715 --> 00:17:43,435
Good for you.
No, I...
You don't understand.

439
00:17:43,476 --> 00:17:45,616
I'm obsessed with them.
Of course you are.

440
00:17:45,650 --> 00:17:48,580
Everyone jumped on
the bandwagon once
they started winning again.

441
00:17:48,619 --> 00:17:50,719
I was born in Pittsburgh.
I'm a true fan.

442
00:17:50,759 --> 00:17:52,239
So am I.

443
00:17:52,278 --> 00:17:54,588
I've liked them since they
were absolutely terrible.

444
00:17:54,625 --> 00:17:56,415
Their logo and name
was so ridiculous,

445
00:17:56,454 --> 00:17:58,634
and I like any team
rooted in tragedy.

446
00:17:59,526 --> 00:18:00,726
What do you mean?

447
00:18:00,769 --> 00:18:03,529
Oh, you know, their first
great player, Michel Briere.

448
00:18:03,565 --> 00:18:05,045
He had an awesome
rookie year,

449
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,954
and then he got killed
in a car crash right
after the season.

450
00:18:07,983 --> 00:18:10,403
He even scored a playoff
overtime goal that year.

451
00:18:11,573 --> 00:18:12,883
Oh, wow.

452
00:18:12,919 --> 00:18:14,819
Please, please,
please sit back down.

453
00:18:15,266 --> 00:18:17,096
♪♪

454
00:18:19,270 --> 00:18:21,270
Sorry, amigo.
Too late.

455
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:23,825
Took the wind
out of my sails.

456
00:18:24,448 --> 00:18:25,728
Oh, no. Sorry.

457
00:18:25,759 --> 00:18:26,929
Just...
I'm sorry, Louise.

458
00:18:26,967 --> 00:18:29,557
Just, look,
I know I fucked this up.

459
00:18:29,591 --> 00:18:31,521
I just get so nervous
on first dates,

460
00:18:31,558 --> 00:18:33,348
second and third dates,
too, and...

461
00:18:33,388 --> 00:18:36,178
Could... Could we please
just start this date again?

462
00:18:37,357 --> 00:18:38,387
Please.

463
00:18:40,981 --> 00:18:43,121
Sure.
What the hell?

464
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,536
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.

465
00:18:44,571 --> 00:18:46,131
You know what?
I-I-I'm... What I'm gonna do,

466
00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,569
I'm gonna go over
to the maitre d',

467
00:18:47,609 --> 00:18:48,989
and I'm gonna make sure
that we get a table

468
00:18:49,024 --> 00:18:50,784
not so close
to the shitter.

469
00:18:50,819 --> 00:18:52,649
Who says
chivalry is dead?

470
00:18:52,683 --> 00:18:54,933
[CHUCKLES]

471
00:18:54,961 --> 00:18:57,141
You said I could choose.
Yeah, but seriously,

472
00:18:57,170 --> 00:18:59,970
nobody wants to see the sequel
to Three Billboards.

473
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,280
What?
That was a classic.

474
00:19:02,313 --> 00:19:04,803
Okay, okay, so then,

475
00:19:04,833 --> 00:19:06,843
how come in that
timeless classic

476
00:19:06,869 --> 00:19:08,939
Sam Rockwell's character
throws a guy through a window

477
00:19:08,975 --> 00:19:10,735
and beats him to death
in broad daylight

478
00:19:10,770 --> 00:19:12,360
and doesn't go to prison?

479
00:19:12,392 --> 00:19:14,122
And why does he
run into a fire

480
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:16,643
instead of out of the fire
when the cop station burns?

481
00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:19,472
And why does a cop just take
Peter Dinklage at his word

482
00:19:19,503 --> 00:19:21,993
when he alibis Fran McDormand
for starting the fire?

483
00:19:22,022 --> 00:19:23,782
And why does she dress
like a grease monkey

484
00:19:23,817 --> 00:19:25,537
even though she works
in a gift shop?

485
00:19:25,578 --> 00:19:27,028
And what's the deal
with the bad guy

486
00:19:27,062 --> 00:19:29,102
living in Idaho
and hanging out in Missouri?

487
00:19:29,133 --> 00:19:31,523
Don't even get me started
on Woody's wife.

488
00:19:31,549 --> 00:19:33,169
I thought you were just
a graffiti snob.

489
00:19:34,552 --> 00:19:35,862
You're a movie snob, too.

490
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:37,620
Yeah, I'm versatile.

491
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:43,909
I can't believe your
all-time favorite Penguin
is Evgeni Malkin, too.

492
00:19:43,941 --> 00:19:46,051
Why? He's incredible!
Yeah, but you know what?

493
00:19:46,081 --> 00:19:48,051
Everybody else says
Crosby or Lemieux.

494
00:19:48,083 --> 00:19:49,713
Well, Geno has a flair
about him

495
00:19:49,740 --> 00:19:51,020
and a cool sense of humor.

496
00:19:51,051 --> 00:19:53,471
Yes, exactly.
He's playful yet dry.

497
00:19:54,572 --> 00:19:57,022
Well, this is me.

498
00:19:57,057 --> 00:19:59,507
Oh, well... I had a really
good time tonight.

499
00:20:00,544 --> 00:20:01,684
Me too.

500
00:20:07,378 --> 00:20:08,518
Good night.

501
00:20:10,899 --> 00:20:12,069
Yeah.

502
00:20:15,179 --> 00:20:16,529
[BEEP]

503
00:20:21,323 --> 00:20:22,743
Fuck!

504
00:20:22,773 --> 00:20:25,533
And then, dude, the part
where Frances McDormand

505
00:20:25,569 --> 00:20:27,089
called the rabbi
a pedophile.

506
00:20:27,122 --> 00:20:29,542
I can't believe
you guys liked that.

507
00:20:29,573 --> 00:20:31,063
Oh, wow,
stop the presses.

508
00:20:31,091 --> 00:20:33,231
Robbie Rotten Tomatoes
didn't like something.

509
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:35,476
Robbie Rotten Tomatoes.
That's you.

510
00:20:35,510 --> 00:20:39,030
That's great, if you
don't mind a ride on
the plot-hole express.

511
00:20:39,065 --> 00:20:41,585
You are such an asshole,
you know that?

512
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,305
Yes, I do.

513
00:20:44,346 --> 00:20:47,866
Do you have any idea how hard
it is to create anything?

514
00:20:47,901 --> 00:20:51,111
A movie, a song,
a poem on a rock?

515
00:20:51,146 --> 00:20:53,076
I bet you never
created anything
in your whole life.

516
00:20:53,113 --> 00:20:54,433
Well, no, no.
That's not fair.

517
00:20:54,460 --> 00:20:56,120
Actually,
Loudermilk wrote a book.

518
00:20:58,049 --> 00:20:59,219
What, a novel?

519
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,738
No, he used to be
a music critic.

520
00:21:00,776 --> 00:21:02,876
He wrote a book about
the worst songs ever written.

521
00:21:03,814 --> 00:21:05,824
Okay.

522
00:21:05,850 --> 00:21:09,440
Okay, now it's all
coming together.
You're a critic!

523
00:21:09,475 --> 00:21:13,095
Every critic was
a failed something.

524
00:21:13,133 --> 00:21:15,073
And the more you scream about
how much everything sucks,

525
00:21:15,101 --> 00:21:16,591
the less of a loser
you feel like.

526
00:21:16,620 --> 00:21:18,830
You don't know what...
Go spray it on a rock.

527
00:21:18,863 --> 00:21:21,383
Wait. You said
he used to be a critic.

528
00:21:21,418 --> 00:21:23,628
What do you do now?
Clean toilets?

529
00:21:23,661 --> 00:21:25,421
No, I don't
clean toilets.

530
00:21:25,456 --> 00:21:27,626
Yeah. He cleans the floors
at the bank.

531
00:21:31,255 --> 00:21:32,455
Wow.

532
00:21:33,637 --> 00:21:34,807
That is pathetic.

533
00:21:35,811 --> 00:21:37,301
I can't believe
I beat you to the ledge.

534
00:21:42,024 --> 00:21:44,164
BEN: Hey, what other
Frances McDormand
movies do you like?

535
00:21:44,958 --> 00:21:46,928
♪♪

536
00:21:47,858 --> 00:21:49,788
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

537
00:21:49,825 --> 00:21:52,305
Hey, here he comes.
Oh.

538
00:21:52,345 --> 00:21:54,275
Well? You pop
your lip cherry?

539
00:21:54,968 --> 00:21:56,108
Eh, sort of.

540
00:21:56,142 --> 00:21:57,322
What do you mean
"sort of"?

541
00:21:57,350 --> 00:21:58,770
You either did
or you didn't.

542
00:22:00,042 --> 00:22:02,532
I had the best date
of my life last night.

543
00:22:02,562 --> 00:22:04,532
This woman is amazing!

544
00:22:04,564 --> 00:22:07,294
She likes cats and hockey.

545
00:22:07,326 --> 00:22:10,326
I was all set to give her
a kiss, and I... I did this.

546
00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:14,015
Jesus.

547
00:22:14,056 --> 00:22:15,886
You did that?
With her?

548
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:17,650
Yeah, I know, I know.
It was a wuss move.

549
00:22:17,681 --> 00:22:19,341
And she wanted me
to kiss her.

550
00:22:19,372 --> 00:22:23,202
No, no.
That's like shaking hands
with a bowl of pudding.

551
00:22:23,238 --> 00:22:26,138
Look, I know your hand just
came out of a cast, but damn!

552
00:22:26,172 --> 00:22:28,212
No, no, no, my... My hand's
back at full strength.

553
00:22:28,243 --> 00:22:29,803
Here. Come on,
shake my hand.

554
00:22:32,868 --> 00:22:35,558
Oh, oh, ho! Ho!

555
00:22:35,595 --> 00:22:38,455
That's like a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich
dipped in milk.

556
00:22:38,495 --> 00:22:39,905
That's better.

557
00:22:39,944 --> 00:22:43,124
Well, how come
no one's ever told me
my handshake sucks before?

558
00:22:43,154 --> 00:22:44,644
'Cause they're not
your friends.

559
00:22:45,847 --> 00:22:47,467
And you guys are?

560
00:22:47,504 --> 00:22:48,854
No.
No.

561
00:22:50,334 --> 00:22:53,374
What am I gonna do?
I-I really like this girl.

562
00:22:53,406 --> 00:22:55,576
I don't want her
to just be my first.

563
00:22:55,615 --> 00:22:58,165
I want her
to be more than that.

564
00:22:58,204 --> 00:23:00,034
Tell you broke your hand
jerking off.

565
00:23:00,068 --> 00:23:02,478
Tony,
that's so fucking stupid!

566
00:23:03,071 --> 00:23:04,381
I like this girl.

567
00:23:04,417 --> 00:23:06,387
I don't want to lie
to her anymore.

568
00:23:06,419 --> 00:23:09,489
And she'd never believe
my dick was big enough
to cause breakage.

569
00:23:10,250 --> 00:23:11,700
Would she?
No.

570
00:23:11,735 --> 00:23:13,495
You know what?
I got it. I got it.

571
00:23:13,530 --> 00:23:15,700
Tell her you went to
the batting cages, right?

572
00:23:15,739 --> 00:23:17,709
You were working
on your swing,
and you check it, right?

573
00:23:17,741 --> 00:23:19,191
And you sprained
your hand.

574
00:23:19,225 --> 00:23:21,085
You lost all masculine
hand-shaking power.

575
00:23:21,123 --> 00:23:22,853
Plausible.
Good one.

576
00:23:22,884 --> 00:23:24,714
No, no, that's stupid.

577
00:23:24,748 --> 00:23:26,888
I'm just gonna be straight
with her.

578
00:23:26,922 --> 00:23:28,372
Tell her how I feel.

579
00:23:30,961 --> 00:23:32,511
Show her the real me.

580
00:23:32,549 --> 00:23:35,099
♪ I finally stopped time

581
00:23:36,622 --> 00:23:37,832
♪ So we don't have to...

582
00:23:37,864 --> 00:23:39,314
Learning how to
check your swing

583
00:23:39,348 --> 00:23:40,898
is such an important part
of not striking out,

584
00:23:40,936 --> 00:23:42,696
and even though I don't play
in any leagues right...

585
00:23:42,731 --> 00:23:44,631
Can we please not talk
about this anymore?

586
00:23:44,664 --> 00:23:47,124
Oh, okay, sure.
What do you want
to talk about?

587
00:23:47,978 --> 00:23:49,458
I don't know.

588
00:23:49,497 --> 00:23:53,187
Anything but why
your handshake
is so pathetic.

589
00:23:53,224 --> 00:23:54,714
You think my
handshake's pathetic?

590
00:23:54,743 --> 00:23:58,263
No, you said it was
pathetic, remember?

591
00:23:58,298 --> 00:24:01,298
And for the last 20 minutes,
you've been explaining why.

592
00:24:01,336 --> 00:24:03,576
Okay, so you didn't think
my handshake was pathetic?

593
00:24:03,614 --> 00:24:05,274
I was sure that's why
you ran for the door,

594
00:24:05,305 --> 00:24:07,095
because of
my flaccid handshake.

595
00:24:07,135 --> 00:24:08,895
[LAUGHS] No.

596
00:24:08,930 --> 00:24:10,660
Oh.
Okay, good.

597
00:24:11,933 --> 00:24:13,113
Then why did you run?

598
00:24:14,694 --> 00:24:17,184
Okay, it was
a combination
of that

599
00:24:17,214 --> 00:24:22,534
and the fact that you
kind of choked when
we were gonna kiss.

600
00:24:22,564 --> 00:24:27,294
But then I thought, "So what
if he doesn't have the nuts
to make the first move?"

601
00:24:27,327 --> 00:24:30,227
I mean, in our new world,
a guy initiating anything

602
00:24:30,261 --> 00:24:32,511
is seen as aggressive
or predatory.

603
00:24:32,540 --> 00:24:34,400
Thank you,
Harvey Weinstein.

604
00:24:34,438 --> 00:24:36,028
It's all bullshit, anyway.

605
00:24:36,060 --> 00:24:37,990
Why does the man have to be
the stronger one?

606
00:24:38,028 --> 00:24:39,998
Oh, you are preaching
to the choir, baby.

607
00:24:41,169 --> 00:24:42,449
I'm glad you called.

608
00:24:43,516 --> 00:24:45,306
I've been thinking
about you a lot.

609
00:24:46,174 --> 00:24:47,694
You have?

610
00:24:47,727 --> 00:24:50,447
I-I've been thinking
about you a lot, too.

611
00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:53,529
♪ To have you around

612
00:24:55,701 --> 00:24:59,361
♪ To have you around

613
00:24:59,394 --> 00:25:01,604
Is it okay
if I make the first move?

614
00:25:01,638 --> 00:25:02,778
Oh, God, yes, please.

615
00:25:02,811 --> 00:25:05,121
♪ Her smile is like a beacon

616
00:25:05,158 --> 00:25:10,848
♪ When it lights up, I can
see her for a hundred miles

617
00:25:10,888 --> 00:25:13,338
♪ Her love controls
the seasons

618
00:25:13,373 --> 00:25:19,143
♪ When she's with me, I'm
the weather on a tropic isle

619
00:25:19,172 --> 00:25:21,662
♪♪

620
00:25:21,692 --> 00:25:23,972
♪ Oh, I don't
need much help... ♪

621
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,530
Jesus!
The fuck are you doing up?

622
00:25:30,563 --> 00:25:34,293
I'm staking out the kitchen
to see where you've
been hiding the Ho-Hos.

623
00:25:34,325 --> 00:25:35,325
Success.

624
00:25:39,883 --> 00:25:41,753
That's not really why
you're awake, is it?

625
00:25:41,781 --> 00:25:44,161
No, I just...
I can't go to sleep.

626
00:25:44,197 --> 00:25:46,057
I...
Oh.

627
00:25:46,096 --> 00:25:48,406
I keep thinking about what
your buddy said about critics

628
00:25:48,443 --> 00:25:50,073
and being
failed somethings.

629
00:25:53,172 --> 00:25:54,452
Maybe he's right.

630
00:25:57,970 --> 00:26:00,420
This is the part where you
say something sponsor-y.

631
00:26:03,458 --> 00:26:04,698
Want a half a Ho-Ho?

632
00:26:06,979 --> 00:26:09,219
Well, what do you care
what Suicide Guy says anyway?

633
00:26:09,257 --> 00:26:10,777
I don't.

634
00:26:10,810 --> 00:26:12,190
Unless it's true.

635
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:15,402
You know,
I started a new book.

636
00:26:15,435 --> 00:26:17,085
Oh, really?

637
00:26:17,127 --> 00:26:20,407
What, a fiction or just
another list of people
and stuff that bugs you?

638
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:23,860
No, it's a book book.
I've been working on it
a couple of months.

639
00:26:23,892 --> 00:26:25,722
I got
a terrific first line.

640
00:26:25,756 --> 00:26:26,716
Hmm.

641
00:26:28,103 --> 00:26:29,903
"If you've ever
almost killed your wife

642
00:26:29,933 --> 00:26:32,733
"in a drunken,
bloody car wreck, read on."

643
00:26:34,454 --> 00:26:36,564
That's...

644
00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:38,245
Great.

645
00:26:38,286 --> 00:26:39,866
Why'd you pause
before "great"?

646
00:26:39,908 --> 00:26:41,908
No, that was a...
That was a Ho-Ho burp.

647
00:26:41,945 --> 00:26:43,285
I actually think
that's really great.

648
00:26:43,325 --> 00:26:45,115
Yeah, thanks.
That's all I have, though.

649
00:26:45,155 --> 00:26:47,115
I can't get past
the second sentence.

650
00:26:48,503 --> 00:26:49,613
You know?

651
00:26:51,679 --> 00:26:55,129
It's... When I was writing
reviews, it was different,
okay?

652
00:26:55,165 --> 00:26:56,925
'Cause I would just
respond to something,

653
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,100
and it was either good
or it was shit,

654
00:26:59,134 --> 00:27:01,144
and that's all
I had to say was which one.

655
00:27:01,171 --> 00:27:03,621
Fucking things
wrote themselves.

656
00:27:03,656 --> 00:27:06,276
But with this, I don't know
what I'm responding to

657
00:27:06,314 --> 00:27:08,144
except whatever
comes into my head,

658
00:27:08,178 --> 00:27:10,768
and everything that comes
into my head is shit.

659
00:27:10,801 --> 00:27:12,801
I-I can't delete it
fast enough.

660
00:27:14,149 --> 00:27:15,979
Well, maybe you should
leave it for a while.

661
00:27:18,257 --> 00:27:19,427
Huh?

662
00:27:20,846 --> 00:27:24,566
You know, it's like, um,
the music that you love,
right?

663
00:27:24,608 --> 00:27:26,128
Those artists
don't just make some shit

664
00:27:26,161 --> 00:27:27,991
and it's perfect,
and then off they go with it.

665
00:27:28,025 --> 00:27:29,535
You know, they make
some shit, and it's shitty,

666
00:27:29,578 --> 00:27:31,478
so they leave it there,
and they work
on something else.

667
00:27:31,511 --> 00:27:34,141
And meanwhile, this shit
sort of starts to make
some more sense,

668
00:27:34,169 --> 00:27:36,659
and then by the time they're
working on this new shit,

669
00:27:36,689 --> 00:27:39,759
the old shit's ready,
you know, 'cause it's shit,
so it fertilizes itself.

670
00:27:39,796 --> 00:27:41,416
And you take the old shit
and the new shit,

671
00:27:41,452 --> 00:27:44,042
and pretty soon, you know, you
got this... This ball of shit,

672
00:27:44,076 --> 00:27:48,526
and that's all art really is,
is just working on some shit
until it gets less...

673
00:27:49,529 --> 00:27:50,629
Shitty.

674
00:27:52,153 --> 00:27:54,163
Huh.

675
00:27:54,189 --> 00:27:56,849
Yeah, that's...
Yeah. Yeah.

676
00:27:56,882 --> 00:27:58,682
I think you're right.
That's...

677
00:27:59,539 --> 00:28:01,329
Not at all what I do,
you know?

678
00:28:01,369 --> 00:28:04,789
I fucking look at it
and blast the hell out of it

679
00:28:04,821 --> 00:28:06,691
as soon as it hits the page.

680
00:28:06,719 --> 00:28:08,199
What I got to do
is get out of my head,

681
00:28:08,238 --> 00:28:10,998
stop being so God damn
precious about it.

682
00:28:11,034 --> 00:28:14,244
Well, if you ask me,
I think that's it right there.

683
00:28:14,278 --> 00:28:17,108
But, regardless, probably
be a good idea

684
00:28:17,143 --> 00:28:19,703
for you to stay up
all night in the dark
beating yourself up

685
00:28:19,732 --> 00:28:21,492
about beating yourself up
about it.

686
00:28:21,527 --> 00:28:23,557
I'll get the light for you.
[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]

687
00:28:23,598 --> 00:28:25,738
Good night.
Good night.

688
00:28:25,773 --> 00:28:28,123
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

689
00:28:28,154 --> 00:28:30,434
♪♪

690
00:28:34,747 --> 00:28:36,887
♪ He looks over his shoulder

691
00:28:36,922 --> 00:28:39,102
♪ Fears of getting older

692
00:28:39,131 --> 00:28:41,341
♪ She says, "Oh, come over"

693
00:28:41,374 --> 00:28:43,554
♪ "Come a little closer"

694
00:28:43,583 --> 00:28:45,723
♪ He looks out the window

695
00:28:45,758 --> 00:28:47,548
♪ Tears fall as the wind blows

696
00:28:47,587 --> 00:28:50,207
♪ Step off into a frenzy

697
00:28:50,245 --> 00:28:52,445
♪ Isn't love worth plenty?

698
00:28:52,489 --> 00:28:56,079
♪ Oh, no more crying

699
00:28:56,113 --> 00:28:58,253
♪ No more crying

700
00:28:58,288 --> 00:29:00,048
♪ No more crying

701
00:29:00,083 --> 00:29:02,533
♪ No more crying

702
00:29:02,568 --> 00:29:04,708
♪♪

703
00:29:09,955 --> 00:29:12,195
♪ Now his heart beats faster

704
00:29:12,233 --> 00:29:14,413
♪ Knows he won't outlast her

705
00:29:14,442 --> 00:29:16,792
♪ She sits by the window

706
00:29:16,824 --> 00:29:18,524
♪ Lets all of the pain go ♪

707
00:29:18,549 --> 00:29:19,759
♪♪