How much gold is this Nas Stone fellow looking to buy?
250K sterling. That should take care of your immediate problem.
King Royston's boy. - Yeah.
I haven't seen you around here in a while.
Didn't think I was welcome.
Business or pleasure?
Loads of pleasure.
My man!
How you want your skrilla?
Cash.
Who are you? - I'm Uncle Dean.
Looks like you're single, girl.
I never could smell the roses, Mrs Hill
but I could always sniff out a rotten apple.
Well, it all went according to plan.
Until it didn't.
Yeah.
Yeah, listen, I'm going away for a very long
time, darling, I need you to be tough, Lil.
I need you to be hard as nails.
And I need you to do something very important for me.
I want you to send a smoke signal
to every firm on the plot.
You tell them there's bent cops on the streets
with gold.
Shit loads of gold.
You tell them finders keepers.
You tell them I don't care.
I don't care who gets the gold.
So long...
as it's not...
Bob Fink.
Bingo.
♪ (One night) You came on over to me ♪
♪ (Late night) We shared a drink or three... ♪
Give us a minute, would you, Charlie?
Who is that lump, Al?
You don't wanna know.
Patsy.
So what's it gonna be, Albert?
Bolt cutters or a happy ending?
Here you are.
It's all there. It's all accounted for. Every last bean.
So we good?
Skin of your teeth, son.
Now don't forget, if you ever need a stop gap, you got my digits, boy.
First stop, take a little trip to Saul Gold. Get him off my case.
Yeah, the best place for your cock might have been that pickle jar.
And what is that supposed to mean?
No, just kidding, Al, you know.
Sense of humour and all that.
Yeah, well, I fail to see the funny in that actually, Charlie.
Mum?
Mum!
Oh, no, no, no, no!
This cannot be happening!
Where's the gold, Al? - Give me a second, Charlie.
Alright? - Where is it?!
How are we gonna fix this unmitigated fucking disaster?!
Will you shut up?! - Charlie, give us a minute, please.
Of course, Mrs H, yeah.
When were you planning on telling me?
I didn't want to worry you, did I?
It's a bit late for that.
Talk.
On fight night, we went after Castillo
but we hit the wrong truck.
The truck we did hit was transporting the gold.
Whose gold is it, Albert?
I don't know.
But it's got the same stamp as Dad's.
This bloody gold.
Bloody, bloody family!
Leave it now, it's gone now, leave it!
Bob Fink was here yesterday asking about Dad.
Asking about you, Albert.
Bob Fink was in here?
Did he do this, Mum?
That would be my guess, yes.
He didn't find the gold, though.
So where is it?
I should've thrown it in the bloody river.
Mum, where is it?
I moved it down the market to Father John's.
You beauty.
Come on, Charlie.
You got plans?
Maybe.
Maybe what?
Who's to say we got those diamonds back?
Maybe...
we could take a long ride together.
Get out of this shithole.
Nothing holding us down, nothing holding us back.
Live life on the move.
Freedom.
Keep the stones.
Leave the others with the gold.
Fair trade, if you ask me.
I've been best mates with Al for 20 years.
You think I'll bail on him
for a half-decent pair of tits like you?
Half-decent?
Best tits you ever copped hold of.
I had to keep an eye on you
while Castillo was still a threat.
Now it's done.
Are you kicking me out?
I've got nowhere to go, you arsehole!
Oh, you' re a smart girl!
You' II work something out. - Yeah, too smart
to be with a cupboard squatter like you.
Moving on?
Moving on.
No. - Yes.
No! - Yes!
No, how did you pull that off, Billy?
Well, four Pikeys walk into a pub...
Oh, yes.
What about Castillo?
There is no Castillo, Al.
What about Norman?
He still got a pulse?
Barely!
They dropped him off at your mum's. - My mum's, why?
We couldn't exactly take him to the hospital
with fragments of safe decorating his face, now could we?
Alright, fair enough.
Bob Fink's messed the shop up.
Bob Fink? - Reckon he was looking for the gold.
How did that turncoat get onto us?
I have absolutely no idea.
Yeah.
That one...
might... might just be on me.
The video.
My bloody slippers.
Slippers?
Make some sense, Charlie.
Fink cornered me the other day.
Spouting some nonsense about seeing my slippers
on the heist video.
What?
And you told him what exactly? - I didn't say a word.
OK, he got nothing from me.
You might as well have worn a badge with your name on it.
You should've told me about this, Charlie.
We could have avoided this problem.
Well, I messed up.
OK, I'm sorry, guys.
It's not like I'm a seasoned armed robber, is it?
No, you' re not.
Oh, now I've burned the bloody eggs.
I'm gonna get these back to Saul Gold.
Ooh, yeah, uh, wait for me, Al.
♪ So please Mr DC ♪
♪ Won't you have some pity... ♪
This better blow by wig back, boy.
♪ (Wo-o-ow DC) Don't you touch my Ishen ♪
♪ (Wo-o-ow DC) ♪
♪ Don't you take my Collie ♪
♪ (Wo-o-ow DC) ♪
♪ Don't you touch my Ishen ♪
♪ (Wo-o-ow DC) Don't you touch my... ♪
The inventory's accounted for.
So we're done?
Don't get all puffed up because you fixed your own screw-up.
Your father, poor bastard, can rest a little easier now.
Now, listen good.
I've got a pickup down by the railyard
and I need two boys.
Couldn't be simpler.
I've got a Sheikh with more money than a horse has hair.
He needs a wedding gift for his new wife.
What kind of a wedding gift?
I don't know yet, but I've set up a meeting to find out.
Lovely, so what you need me to do?
It's what Charlie Cavendish-Scott can do.
Oh! Do tell.
So Sheikh Zeshan studied at Oxford University.
He' II be used to a... certain type of Englishman.
Country estates not council estates, I get it.
Let's pay your Sheikh a visit.
Let's put him into a gold state of mind.
Ah!
I heard the good news.
All sorted with Saul.
Told you I'd sort it, didn't I?
Oh, and sort it you did my boy, and sort it you did.
Mwah!
You' re chipper.
What happen, you win the bingo?
Well, you know, a stretch in the hole
gives one time to reflect upon life's priorities.
The hole?
Come on, what did you do?
Oh, no, the prison therapist calls the hole a metaphor
for my emotional condition.
If, perish the thought, you'd visit me
a little more often these past few months
you'd be more acquainted with what your old man's been going through.
I'm terribly sorry, Dad. Why don't you tell me?
What have you been going through?
Well...
I've had visions, son.
Visions of the past.
Visions of the future.
Visions of how things should be.
What's the skinny on the truck heist?
The gold bullion?
Don't know, the street went dark on that one.
But you've seen the video, haven't you?
Yeah, of course I have. Who hasn't?
It really reminded me...
the way they robbed that truck, of...
me!
Although, it does lack a certain finesse.
All brass bollocks
and no brains.
So what's the plan with the winnings?
What are you gonna do with it on the inside, anyway?
There is no inside.
No walls.
None that matter, anyway.
You look tired, son.
Get some rest.
♪ Something's not like the others ♪
♪ Sweet thang never had a lover ♪
♪ But you' re confusin' all the people walkin' as you go ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ First time, everyone's a winner... ♪
Do you trust Father John with our gold, Al?
I don't trust anyone with our gold, Billy.
Until we can move it, better the devil we know, eh?
...comes from the Lord!
He who keeps you will not slumber.
The Lord will keep you from all evil.
Amen.
Mighty be his name, Hallelujah!
You get all that, Billy-Boy? - Oh, I'm born again, Al.
In the house of Father John.
Albert Hill.
So it appears you have inherited your father's spirit for adventure.
Something like that, Father John.
Life's either a great adventure or nothing at all, my son.
I have a parish project
I'd like to discuss with you.
Are you looking for redemption, mate?
Redemption?
Before lunch?
Your path begins here, brother... with Father John.
For a tenner.
Cheaper at half the price.
Keeps the Devil from your door.
Speak of the Devil
and his horns shall appear!
Put one of those on ice for me.
I trust attendance is good at the moment, Father John?
Yeah, well, there are many lost souls in need
of the Lord's protection in these most troubled of times.
So what's the price to keep my commodity safe and sound?
That depends on the value of the commodity
and its exposure.
Two million views.
The Internet is a marvel of communication, is it not, Albert?
So what's this gonna run me?
Well, the mission is in desperate need of repair.
I've been quoted £50,000 for a new roof.
A fair contribution for the work involved.
And what insurance do I get for this contribution?
Security's tighter than Fort Knox's arsehole, son.
♪ Man, he ran off with the cash, man ♪
♪ He winded up with the cash... ♪
♪ Wait, what ya sayin'? ♪
♪ Went out for da cash, nah man, not care right, man... ♪
Fifty grand to a bent priest?
Mate, I thought we were the ones
supposed to be making good off the gold.
We just gotta find a buyer.
Charlie, where are you?
I'm at the hotel.
Chloe there?
Right by my side.
Come over to the houseboat as soon as you' re done.
I gotta take care of something.
Billy Ayers getting attached.
Behave yourself, soppy bollocks.
You don't think I'm overselling it, do you?
No. - Oh, oh.
One thing to bear in mind, the Sheikhs are super fickle.
A year back, Saul spent weeks trying to fix a deal
only to lose it by calling one of them "sir".
Well, what should he have called him?
Sheikh, Charlie.
Their title is "Sheikh".
Once we' re done with these Sheikhs
um, maybe you and I...
Lord Cavendish and Chloe Koen
here to see Sheikh Zeshan.
♪ They say there's friends and there's business ♪
♪ Do you really know-ow-ow oh, oh ♪
I like these Sheikhs.
What's this?
Who are you?
Sheikh Zeshan, Chloe Koen. Pleased to meet you.
Please may I present Lord Charles Cavendish.
At your service, Sheikh.
So what do you have for me?
More necklaces? Tiaras?
Not another damn Faberge egg.
Better.
Lord Cavendish has a large holding
of exquisite, one-of-a-kind gold artefacts.
I have palaces full of gold artefacts!
I'm getting married in a few months
and the princess is not easily impressed.
I need something, um... unexpected.
I know exactly what you mean.
Lord Cavendish has just the thing.
Yes, I do.
W... w... which one of my many artefacts
did you have specifically in mind?
The... solid...
twenty-four... karat gold...
bathtub.
Imagine it.
Your fiancée.
A soapy lather.
That unmistakable glint.
Bathing in gold
every night.
A glimmer of pure opulence.
Enriching the man
who slips in beside her.
I want one.
What?!
You don't have one?!
Of course we have one, Sheikh.
When is delivery?
We fly out to Dubai tomorrow night.
The price is ten million pounds sterling.
Blah blah, I like it! I'll buy it.
Well, you won't be disappointed, sir...
Sheikh Ze... Zash... Zee...
Four p.m. tomorrow, we'll be in touch about the location
and your men can pick up the bath.
Thank you so much, Sheikh Zeshan.
Ah, throw another log on for me, love.
Nice day at the beach, darling?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the water was lovely and warm.
Now... now listen, before you react
uh, just take a moment.
What have you done, Vic?
I hit a screw.
I don't know why!
You selfish bastard.
You had three months left.
You'll have another 18 months on your sentence.
I've done enough time in here, Lil.
I can't do anymore. - No, Vic, no.
Don't you try it.
Don't you dare.
The wheels are in motion. Gotta go.
Vic. - I gotta go, love.
Vic!
It's time.
I'm gonna fly the nest.
Should we use the same lab they used up in Chelmsford?
Nasty zombie meths up there.
Them boys were chewing their faces off.
Heh.
The nastier, the better.
Yeah.
♪ Don't you touch my Ishen... ♪
Done deal.
We deliver to the Sheikh tomorrow afternoon.
Tomorrow... slow down. How much does he want?
All of it. He wants all of it!
A ten-million-pound gold wedding gift.
I mean, money is just no object to this guy.
So all the gold gone in one fell swoop?
Ten million quid? Simple as that?
Well, there is one small catch.
What catch? - Yeah.
We have to smelt it first.
Smelt it? Into what?
A bathtub. - A solid gold bathtub.
And how we supposed to do that?
Oh, Jesus, Al.
We don't have all the answers.
Well?
What do you want?
I dunno.
I guess I just wanted to sort things out after this morning.
Nothing to sort out.
We're moving on, right?
Lotti, here's the thing.
I'm not the boyfriend type.
I'd be a shit boyfriend cos...
I've never actually been one.
What are you talking about?
You know, the guy you call every day, the guy you spend all your time with.
That guy isn't me.
I just wasn't made that way.
What, and you think I am?
Sonny Castillo is dead in a dumpster.
I'm not the settling down type either.
I just wanted to get away from all this shit.
And you were the closest guy with a six-pack
a motorbike, and a bag of diamonds.
So, uh, we good?
Good, bad.
Who gives a shit, right?
Yeah.
Who gives a shit?
Mmm mmm mmm!
So... what's with the big rush?
We've got a buyer lined up for tomorrow afternoon.
Your traveller mates, they know how to smelt gold?
Yeah, Uncle Dean.
He'll be the man for the job.
Why are we smelting gold exactly?
We need to make a gold bath.
A gold bath?
Yeah.
Well...
I made a gold shitter once.
So can you do it?
Can you make a gold bathtub?
Aye.
I'll give it a crack.
Ladies and gentlemen
ready for the main event.
Contrary to popular belief
the majority of travellers are well-heeled
hard-working citizens.
True, we enjoy an alternative lifestyle
attempting to evade the punitive taxes
that a hostile government imposes upon us.
But never forget
you are amidst
the greatest craftsmen
you have ever seen!
You sure about this, Al?
I am far from sure about this, Charlie.
Horse shit and wood ash.
Nature's crucible.
Sure, it has to withstand temperatures of 1,950 degrees Fahrenheit.
I have the young'uns on the job
bringing it to the boil.
In our little community
when there's a job needs doing
we all muck in.
So...
start digging...
y'ballicks!
The girls have fashioned you a beautiful bath
made entirely from wax.
Won't it melt?
That's the whole idea, darlin'.
Lost wax casting.
It's in the name.
Come on, girls!
Hey!
Time is a 'wasting!
Ready to pour?
Ready so.
Alchemists and metallurgists
have been in our family for generations.
Millennia.
We have taken our skills
east to China
south to Egypt
and all across the Holy Roman Empire
until this place
at this time.
But never...
has an outsider
been witness to our magic.
Tonight, tis your honour
to pop the cherry.
Pop whose cherry?
One clean strike.
So... what happens now?
Well... now...
we get twatted.
Cos there's nothing we can do till the morning.
It's a painful proposition
being human.
From the moment we leave the womb...
we' re at the mercy of the oppressors...
the lecherous...
the inhumane.
It's a wonder...
a miracle, really...
that one ever achieves any peace at all.
Eat up, boys. We' re here all night.
Alright, so let's...
open her up, take her clothes off
and see her naked.
Whoa!
And come on!
Sheikh's here, Charlie.
OK.
OK, stay calm.
Hello, Sheikh Zeshan.
Why did we have to come here?
No showroom?
For such a high-priced item
we deliver on-site for insurance purposes.
I have a plane to catch.
Where is this bath?
I'll have it brought around now, Sheikh.
We're on.
Where the hell is it?!
I should have just bought her another yacht.
Oh, here it is now, Sheikh.
Who are these two?
Th... th... these are just my delivery men, Sheikh.
I like it.
It's unique.
Does the bird come with the bath?
What did you say?
What is this?
I'm a mediator.
Engaged to make sure all parties are satisfied.
Nothing to be concerned about, Sheikh.
Uh, shall we, uh, complete the, uh, transaction, Sheikh?
This is a lot of force for a bathroom fixture.
Bathroom fixture?
This is a 24-karat, handmade gold bath, mate.
With all due respect, Sheikh
this is an exquisite piece.
As my assistant here plainly pointed out
this is a 24-karat bath.
A collector's item.
Handmade by the finest artisans.
Well, there are other...
people interested.
I'll take it, I'll take it.
If you could transfer the agreed funds...
Ring it up. - OK.
Yes. Two, five, three...
six, seven, one... - Zero.
Albert Hill!
You've been a naughty boy.
Yalla, let's go, let's go!
No, no, no, no, no! Shit!
Up and at 'em, boys!
Fink!
Well, come on then!
Chloe!
Don't you touch her!
♪ Let me have some, let me have some ♪
♪ Let me have some ♪
♪ ... I got nothin' to say ♪
Are you prepared to shoot a man of the cloth
for material gains?
Uh... yeah.
In a heartbeat.
Get in!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Fuck!
We need to get out of town. There's way too much heat.
My family's place in the country.
Straight up the M1, it's perfect.
Well, I hope it's comfy, Charlie, cos we might be there a while.
Aah!
To the brim?
Everything OK?
Yes, Norman, fine.
Thinking about Vic?
Amongst other things.
So... he's on the countdown.
Three months and he's home...
Oh, I don't know, Norman. What's with all the questions?
Eh?
You worried gonna have to start cooking for yourself again?
Sorry, that was a little strong.
While I was convalescing
I was remembering the times you'd cook me and Vic a fry-up after a job.
Always at some ungodly hour.
We'd polish off a bottle or two.
Vic would be snoring on the sofa, and...
you and I would talk, and...
giggle till it got light.
Having a laugh.
Yeah, they were good times, Norman.
For all of us.
Who is it?
Police! Open up or we'll put the door in.
No need for that.
Lily Hill, you alone?
Firstly, you know exactly who I am
and secondly, of course I'm on my own.
You put my husband behind bars.
We have reason to believe you're in possession of illegal firearms.
Up to your old tricks again, Bob?
Oi, be careful with my things!
Come on!
Find anything? - Nothing here, sir.
Alright, well, check in there.
Done, checked, it's... - Check again.
Sir!
I found something.
Oh, for Christ sakes!
Lily Hill, I'm arresting you
on suspicion of possessing prohibited weapons
defined by Section Five of the Firearms Act, 1968.
You do not have to say anything
but it may it harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned
something which you later rely on in court.
Anything you do say may be given in evidence.
Alright?
- What we got? - Two pair.
- Full house. - Mmph!
Deal me again. - Right you are.
Can I get involved? - There is a minimum stake.
Will these do?
Ah, white chocolate.
My favourite.
Nice bit of shopping, Smudger.
That's for you.
I can smell the fresh air already, Vic.
Good boy.
Cheers, Mr H.
Whose house did you say this was again, Charlie?
Oh, my cousin Monty.
Where exactly is Cousin Monty?
Zurich, last I heard.
Might have run a bit afoul with the Inland Revenue.
Naughty, naughty Cousin Monty.
In we go.
They leave the keys to this place under the plant pot?
Oh, rich people shit.