This programme contains strong language and adult humour
I would give my left tit to go on this date. OK!
David's date goes off the rails...
Are we trying to figure out who's the tunnel and who's the train?
No? No, no, no!
No, no, no, no! Too much!
...PK has a shocker...
Have you ever kissed on a first date?
I don't usually kiss on the first date. Shit.
...and a massive plot twist...
Ah!
...Kerry Katona is back...
I don't feel like I've had sex with Paolo.
I feel like I've been made love to.
Slow clap.
It's quite a lot quicker than that, actually, Paul.
...as our celebs...
Do you ever get spots?
I never really get them, but I've got one under the skin.
Is this the flirting that they were training you to do?
...go... Have I got, like, a skin disease?
It looks nice!
...dating!
Are you gonna find love?
Well, that's the plan, to find the next person, really,
so we'll see, yeah. The next person?
The next person!
So Hard So Hot by Alison Goldfrapp
Welcome to Celebs Go Dating.
Today, the agents are already in and prepping
because, boy, oh, boy, have we got a humdinger for you today.
What's that? Come on, Tom, tell them!
Kerry and Paolo are coming in!
Yay!
Oh, yes, THE Kerry Katona and Paolo,
who met last year at the agency.
They fell hopelessly in love
to become the biggest success story this place has ever seen.
Ten years - took your time, guys.
What are they selling? I mean, what do they need?
Subscribers, Paul, if you know what I mean.
I think it's just a really lovely progress report.
And they moved in together since last year... Yes!
...so how has that been? Yeah.
They have a very unique lens to share of what it's actually like
when a celebrity and a non-celebrity get together.
They're now approaching a year together... Yes.
...and I think we're all very curious to know how it's working,
and to give us the insight on any challenges they may have had
and how we can possibly help.
And then also coming in - earlier stages, but quite exciting -
Stephen after his second date... Mm.
...and then PK after a date.
So, they're going to have a lot to say, I'm quite sure.
Yeah, they've both got very different challenges.
Mm-hm. Yes.
And Stephen has been a slow burner. Mm.
And PK is a Bunsen burner...
Oh, my gosh. ...and that's why I love him.
Yeah! Yes. Well, he's causing mayhem.
Ooh, is someone going to be getting a scolding
from the old Brunson burner?
Yes, yes.
P-Dog's gonna be dishing out the heat today.
And we won't be waiting long cos here he is.
He was banned from Bumble, it's PK Humble.
DOORBELL CHIMES Hello. Celebrity Dating Agency.
Yeah, it's PK.
Mr Humble.
♪ I'll take you to the candy shop
♪ I'll let you lick the lollipop
♪ Go ahead, girl, and don't you stop
♪ Keep going till you hit the spot Whoa... ♪
How are you doing, Tom? I'm swell.
How are you? Good to see you.
Lovely to see YOU. Good to see you.
Good to see you. That's a heady aroma.
Oh, yeah, I've just got a little something on. Oh, my.
That'll be the Lynx lower-body spray.
Coconut and sandalwood.
Tch-tch. Stings good!
You should be my wingman, you know. Mm, I should.
But I'm saying, if you're my wingman and we're out,
I feel like I'll get even more girls.
I wouldn't bank on it.
The last time I used Tom as a wingman,
I ended up in the basement of a club called The Stink Bunker.
Sticky floors.
Well, I'm really excited to see PK
because the last time I saw him, I mean, he was a total F-boy.
I literally said,
"If I open a dictionary, your face would be next to it, PK."
PK WHISTLES
Is he whistling? Yep.
He's doing his old-fashioned policeman impression again.
KNOCKING ON DOOR Come on in.
Hello, hello, hello. See? Hello!
Were you whistling out there?
Yeah, I was. PAUL LAUGHS
Wow. Just having a fantastic day?
Ooh, a sarcastic Dr T - I like it!
Hi. It's sunny outside. Hello.
On his last date with sheep farmer Ellen...
Hello. Hello, hello, hello.
How are you? Are you all right?
...despite a promising start...
You smell nice.
Thank you. So do you.
Oh, do I, yeah? Yeah.
...it wasn't long until PK whipped out his flirt...
Like that? Yeah, I do like that.
I do like that. I want to shear you.
...and had everyone in the restaurant asking
just what the flock was going on.
You're shaving the back part. Like here? Yeah.
And then you're going along the legs. OK.
I...
...I did try and do what you lot said.
Like, I was very...
...very emotionally intelligent.
Not sure they're buying that, PK.
But I just weren't that interested, that was the problem.
Were you physically attracted to her?
I wasn't wowed. Right.
What do you think SHE thought of YOU?
She probably thought I was attracted to her.
Why? Because I'm just naturally a flirt.
I see. So, you can't help it?
Flirting? No.
But I wouldn't say I led her on.
Mate, you role played shearing each other.
So, we have feedback from Ellen. Yeah. OK.
"What did you like about PK?"
"How confident he was."
"What did you not like about PK?"
"I hope that his intentions aren't to just have a fling." Mm.
The biggest issue that I have with you on this date
is you led her on.
Mm-hm. Yeah.
So, emotionally, she's now thinking there's something else.
But I feel like she's to blame as well here.
I feel like I'm getting too much of the blame here.
I think it's 50/50.
Now, if you are not clear about your intentions with someone
and they misconstrue your intentions,
what kind of position does that put you in?
A bad one. A bad one.
That's why I'm always clear.
No, no, but, see, you weren't clear on this.
Now, let me even push further. Yeah.
This is just us talking.
Do you think as a black man,
does that put you in an even further precarious situation?
100%. 100%.
It is important for you
to be crystal clear with your intentions.
You can't have anybody misconstrue anything about you
because you have greater liability.
I hear you. Fair? That's fair.
Look, flirting can be harmless and fun,
but for PK, as a young black man, the stakes are different,
and I know this personally.
His behaviour could be quickly misread
and misinterpreted.
This is the reason why his communication
needs to be incredibly clear.
When it comes to love and relationships,
I think you're a traditional player,
and I think until you accept the fact that you are a player,
you'll never change.
Brutal.
When I meet someone that I feel like I can give them that love,
then I feel like I'll change, 100%.
I believe that when you are armed with the right information,
you will make the right decisions,
but I think you also need to have the right motivation.
To your point, "If I have the right person, I'll change,"
I think you have to realise that what you're learning here is
you are making yourself better to attract the right person.
So, it's not like the right person shows up
and then, all of a sudden, boom, you know,
you're Superman out here.
It's you become Superman.
Superman - Main Theme by the City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra
It's working, Paul. It's working!
Mm.
There you go. There you go.
Are you ready?
I'm feeling like I'm ready to be responsible.
It's just about finding that balance of toning it down
and not being too flirty.
Yeah, being mature about it.
This is good.
Thank you very much. All right, we'll see you.
You just, like, can't not like him.
Like, he's so charming. He's charming,
but I tell you what, doesn't it feel like work?
Back downstairs...
Oh, look at him.
He's been standing like that for half an hour
in desperate anticipation for the happy couple.
Well, let's not put it off any longer, people.
Cue the power ballad.
Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by Starship
And here they are!
It's Kerry Ka-flipping-tona and her tiny little lover man, Paolo!
Hi, Tom, it's Kerry AND Paolo.
Hi, Tom. He's not in the box, Paolo.
Ah! Oh, I don't believe it!
Hi! Oh! Nice to see you.
Come on. Come on. Come to me!
Aw! Oh, hello!
Oh, it's so satisfying to have a couple return to the agency
arm in arm, shrouded in a cloak of affection.
It reminds one that Cupid does occasionally find his target.
You have never looked more beautiful.
I think happiness is the world's greatest beautifier.
It is. I think that's what it is. It is.
It's the greatest medication of all, being happy, isn't it? Yeah.
Oh, my God, look at your faces! Argh!
Look at your countenances!
They're carved of mother-of-pearl.
I feel like we've lived a whole life since we've been here.
So much has happened. So much has happened.
Well, it's a whole year. It's a long time. I know.
And normally I'm married and divorced by now!
We're taking this one a bit slower, aren't we, love?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, I'm doing something right!
Are you still doing all those wildly romantic things...
Yeah. ..and leaving blooms and notes everywhere?
We're trying. Yeah. I'm very romantic.
She does very thoughtful gestures.
And we've got, like, bracelets
because I go away on tour a lot, so... Oh, my God! ..if I miss him,
I press it and he can feel it, and vice versa.
What, it vibrates?!
Yeah. Yeah, when we're far away from each other.
She can make you oscillate from afar now.
Wherever she is in the world...
I think he means that you can vibrate. ..she can make you vibrate.
Yeah, well, I can make you, yeah. Oh, well... Sh. Oh.
I've not stopped pressing it. Tara would love that!
Damn right, she would.
She's actually on her vibrator break now...
BUZZING Oh.
...cos upstairs Anna's now joined by the Brundog
in preparation of the return of Kezza.
You're in chill mode today. Yeah.
I'm getting my last moments of peace
before the tornado hits the room.
Batten down the hatches, Paul.
Hurricane Katona is about to roll in.
PHONE RINGS Hello?
Hi, T. Kerry and Paolo -
never thought I'd be saying that again -
send them up, please.
Oh, no. I want permanent custody!
Oh! Tom, bring it in. Aw. Aw. Mm.
Is this heaven? It is!
Oh, gosh. Right. Tom, we love you. Do it again!
Please don't. Just get up those stairs.
Argh!
Kerry Katona.
Now, if you had told me 12 months ago
that she was going to be our standout success story,
I wouldn't have believed you,
but lo and behold, here they are.
Have a seat, guys.
Come and take a seat.
And as agents, matching celebrities with non-celebrities,
it's really important that we check in on them,
just to see how merging those lives is going
and what impact it may have had on the people around them.
We are so excited... Yes.
Really? ..to see you both! Yes.
I mean, we sort of birthed you.
Ah. You did. You did. We did.
That sounds so wrong on so many levels!
I think not since Pete Wicks and Sam Thompson...
That's true. ..have we birthed out of our "vagine"...
Oh! ..another bona fide couple.
I knew Pete Wicks would have
got inside Anna's "vagine" at some point.
Sorry.
Kerry got off to a shaky start last year...
Whole Again by Atomic Kitten
...until the agents paired her with spunky PT toyboy Paolo...
I've got to say to you,
it's my favourite date so far. Is it?
...who started off on the right foot, then moved up the body
to lip lock after lip lock,
finally making Kezza feel...
♪ Whole again. ♪
Thank you, Kittens.
I'm just dead grateful that I did this journey. Yes.
And now I could not imagine life without this man.
It's been nice, hasn't it? Yeah.
I mean, there's just so much to unpack with you both,
but what has been the reaction that you've had from the public?
Have they been rooting for you? Massively.
I found it really overwhelming. Really?
Yeah. I think since joining the agency,
people see me for who I really am... Yes.
...rather than just reading a headline.
And people actually watched me fall in love.
And the support I've had from people,
it's been so overwhelming
for people to be so invested in somebody who I've chosen to love.
And it's been really overwhelming.
I'm not sure how to deal with it.
Cos it was unexpected as well. Cos life is so good.
It was unexpected as well, wasn't it? It's so unbelievable
that it scares me.
Oh, Kezza!
Go on, girl, you deserve it.
Welcome back to Celebs Go Dating.
The last celeb of the day is about to arrive at the agency.
It's Professor Stephen Manderson Green,
who's had an absolute howler with the old toilet duck this morning
by the looks of that top.
Bleachy-bleachy.
Hello. Celebrity Dating Agency.
Hello, it's Stephen.
Oh, Stephen! DOOR BUZZES
♪ Yeah, you know me
♪ You down with OPP? Yeah, you know me
♪ You down with OPP?
♪ Yeah, you know me... ♪
How are you doing? Oh, I'm swell. Good to see you.
Oh, it's really nice to see you! Good!
You smell lovely. Oh, thank you.
I felt a little bit of a boy after your own,
"Let's go into the park and get fit," heart,
because I did a first complete muscle-up.
Have you ever done one of those?
You've done a muscle-up? I've never done a muscle-up.
What the hell's a muscle-up?!
I could only do one. Fair enough.
But there was a Herculean trainer, and he was very, um...
Inspiring? Yes.
His name's Willie, and I like Willie's carrot.
My trainer's called Greg and I love his sausage roll,
and his thick dick.
And Willie just coaxes me with his giant carrot,
and he says, "You can do more. you can do more.
"I know you can do more."
Let's leave that image there and head back upstairs
to the beautiful love story that keeps on giving.
We do this for a living, you know... Yeah. Yeah.
...so everyone always says,
"Oh, you guys must have brilliant marriages.
"You must be perfect." Ugh! It's hard!
And you'll kind of be on a day when someone will say that to you,
and, you know, we've had a bloody good argument about something...
Yeah. Right. ..and you kind of go,
"Oh," and it's really hard and the pressure...
Oh, but the kissing and the making up...
The intimacy. ..is... I'll be honest, the intimacy is just...
Kissing and making up is... I'll say it a bit more PG!
What do you always say? "Fights, keep it clean in the..."?
Keep the fights clean... Clean.
...keep the sex dirty. Sex dirty, exactly. Yeah.
Love that. I kid you not... I'm all that.
...the intimacy is just on another level... It's great.
...that I've never had. Oh, God!
So, the sex is good... It's love.
Yeah. It's loving sex.
I don't feel like I've had sex with Paolo.
I feel like I've been made love to every single time.
Ooh! That's good.
I don't feel like...
Honestly, I...
Slow clap. Slow clap. Slow clap.
It's quite a lot quicker than that, actually, Paul.
Oh, my God, you really are Kerry's perfect partner!
I can't even look at them any more! No, I know!
All I hear is...
PAUL CLAPS QUICKLY Yeah, and me.
Oh, my God! That's all I can see now!
QUICK CLAPPING
Sorry, got carried away there.
I'm proud of you for that one!
I mean, dare we even go there?
I mean, is there anything about expanding your family together?
I'd marry Kerry tomorrow. We've already discussed that.
I truly believe I'm going to marry this man. 100%.
We just have one ask on that.
I know that Paul in particular would love to be a pageboy.
A page-three boy, more like. Am I right, girls?
I don't have a dad so you're gonna have to walk me down the aisle.
Oh, my God! Oh!
I would do that in a heartbeat. Would you?
I've run out of people to ask.
Oh, roasted, Brunson. Nice.
Paul, Mr Brunson... Yes.
...do you accept? Will you walk Kerry down the aisle?
Come on, P-Dog, she was only messing.
I would do anything for Kerry Katona.
What's my bloody role? Who said you're invited?!
You can be a bridesmaid.
I'm so happy for Kerry.
She is proof that even when you think
that the chance of true love is off the table for you,
when you truly work on what matters in life,
you can build personal strength,
and what that strength brings to a relationship is love,
trust, honesty, friendship,
and most importantly, safety,
which is something that I believe
Kerry has never had in a relationship.
Bye!
See you later, guys. Take care.
See you. Bye, darling.
Oh, mate, that was amazing. I'm drained.
Ah, it was... Are you happy? Yeah, 'course I am.
Mwah. It was amazing.
You need to get your father-of-the-bride outfit.
Oh, my gosh. You know, what is a pageboy?
I might want to be a pageboy.
At last, a proper agency success.
Aw, they look quite cute, actually.
Right, that's quite enough of that soppy shit.
Let's move on.
Over to the diva that is David Potts,
who's winging his way across London
for a paint-your-partner sexy second date
with buff barber Anthony.
Nice to meet you. Hi, nice to meet you.
I'm David. Oh, good to meet you.
You're my first northern date.
- Really? - Yeah! ANTHONY LAUGHS
- You're so lovely. - Oh! ANTHONY LAUGHS
Well, that was easy!
David's now eager for a second bite of the Anthony cherry.
I'm actually really excited to see Anthony again.
We get on really well, and he's sexy.
Like, he's a bit of me, do you know what I mean?
Good, cos at his last agency debrief,
Dr T doled out some classic advice.
Dr Tara has told me to ask Anthony what he's like in bed.
How creepy is that?
I'd have a long, hard think about it if I were you.
Yeah, that should do it.
Back at the agency now,
where love gurus Anna and Paul are prepping
for their catch up with Stephen,
who's still to reach professor level when it comes to dating.
Hello. Stephen! Stephen. What's happening?
The timing is impeccable, actually.
How are you doing? Good to see you. Good to see you.
Hi. Oh, it's so nice to see you, babe.
Nice to see you. Come and sit down.
We know there's been a lot going on.
There sure has.
The professor was successfully matched
with radio host Clara in Tenners,
where they enjoyed plenty of fun in the sun at the waterpark...
Hey. How are you? ...but on their second date
back home in London... Nice to see you too.
...as Stephen edged closer to catching some feels...
Um, my head's spinning a bit.
...he then ended their date unexpectedly.
I just need a bit of time to think.
To give us a little bit more data, right... Mm.
...to work with, to help you... Yeah.
...what happened on this last date?
I arrived with a kind of seriousness.
It didn't feel as playful. It didn't...
It was quite still where we were.
It felt quite intense, you know?
We spoke about, you know, is there any alignment?
And Clara was like, "Well, yeah, I guess so,"
and then I was like, "Oh, God, pressure."
And it didn't feel great.
How did the date end?
I called the date early.
I had to eject.
My head was spinning.
And, um...
It's OK. It's just... It's hard.
It's so... You know?
This could be silly and it could be fun,
and I feel like I've been dull as dishwater.
Of course you're not dull as dishwater!
Stephen, stop that self-punishment!
You're a man that's going through a hell of a lot! Yeah.
Being neurodivergent is very complex in the dating world.
It makes sense why you feel like you do.
Well, we have got some feedback.
"What did you think about Stephen?"
"He is super honest."
Wow. You are. OK.
She goes on to say,
"I really like that he's a bit awkward, like me,
"and the chemistry that creates." Right.
Maybe it wasn't as bad as I've been thinking.
I mean, that's very... That's very nice feedback.
...very positive.
So, you can be in the exact same space as someone
and have a completely different experience of it.
You can. Completely. Completely.
We've definitely taken on board what WE can do... Yes.
...to adjust the environment for you... Mm-hm.
...which is really important.
Environment is key when it comes to dates.
So...
...you said you wanted an activity date,
you wanted something fun,
giving you some kind of external focus.
Can I just say? This bloody date, Stephen... Yeah.
...I would give my left tit to go on this date. OK.
Is it a bottomless brunch down in your local Spoons?
You are going on a puppy playdate.
Clara will be there as well. She loves a puppy.
Enjoy the pups. Will do.
As opposed to the pussy. There we go!
Are we absolutely sure he's a professor?
Sorry, man, you've set me off now.
Can't stop! All right, man. It's good to see you.
Aw, love you, mate. Lovely to see you.
Aw, I love you, Stephen.
Enjoy. I'll see you on the other side.
See you. See you, babe.
Thank you. Bye, darling.
Complex guy... Yes.
Beautifully complex. ...but brilliant. Exactly. Yes.
Yes. And he just puts so much pressure on himself. He does.
And the agents are all over this activity dating lark today
cos David's hoping for a brush of success
on his painting date with Anthony.
Look, the keen-o's already sat down and ready to get this arty started.
I feel like I'm back at school.
And if you're lucky, for lunch,
they're serving some spotted dick and custard.
Spotted dick!
David has a very, very similar personality to me.
Very out there, very loud, says what he thinks.
We got on really well,
so I'm here for round two and let's see what happens.
ANTHONY LAUGHS Hello!
Hello, you. Are you OK? Are you OK? Yeah.
Nice to see you. Aw. Are you OK? Yeah.
"Are you OK?" "Yeah, I'm OK."
"Yeah, I'm OK." "Are you OK?" "Yeah, I'm OK."
You look lovely. So do you. Aw, thank you.
Yes, I put my best shirt on for you.
Oh, is this the best shirt? The best one, this one.
Well, I've gone for a little bit of bondage.
I like it. The bondage is working for me. Yeah.
It's... Yes. Amazing. Yes.
So, I'm going to be your teacher today.
Oh, love this.
So, in front of you, you've got three brushes,
you've got a pencil and a rubber...
Not that type.
...and then... Are we drawing each other?
Yeah, you're going to be painting each other.
ANTHONY LAUGHS
Would you like anything to drink?
Oh, I thought you were never going to ask!
Please could I get a tequila, soda, fresh lime?
OK, no problem. Yep, just like school, then.
A smoothie with, like, a vodka or something?
Right, right, right. Yeah. OK.
Have you ever done this before?
Never done anything like this before.
OK. I'm actually scared right now.
OK. Yeah.
Even though I'm not really into art,
I am definitely into Anthony.
He is looking so slay.
Cheers, anyway. Second date.
Second date. You've got to look me in the eye.
Sorry. Cheers.
Second date. Second date.
OK, guys, are we ready to start? Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Grab your pencils. OK.
Oh, she's helping us.
I need a bit of movement, I think.
So, we're gonna add a circle.
Like, an actual circle, then?
Yeah. Not like a face shape? Not like a face shape, no.
Mine's already rubbish.
Oh, I'm doing it quite hard and you've got quite a light touch.
Does it need to be light? It doesn't. It's actually OK.
It doesn't matter? No, it doesn't matter.
A softer touch is needed. I need a soft touch.
I've got such firm grip. ANTHONY LAUGHS
Oh, lucky me!
You won't be saying that when he's treating your old fella
like the end of a tube of toothpaste.
SQUELCHING
Welcome back to Celebs Go Dating, where PK's on his way to his date...
If I don't flirt, it's like I'm not breathing.
So, I'm gonna be subtle with it.
So subtle that she's not even gonna know that I'm doing it.
I'm leaving Mr Wrong in this vehicle.
I'm bringing out Mr Right.
...and we're checking in on James
to see what he does when he's not out dating the ladies.
Hang on. On air signs?
A man twiddling knobs?
I recognise this setup.
He's with fellow posh boys Alex Payne
and almost HRH Mike Tindall
for The Good, The Bad & The Rugby podcast.
Who knew rugby was worth talking about?!
Your life is one big game of snakes and ladders.
Yeah! MIKE LAUGHS
I reckon that is the greatest analogy for how my life is, yes.
Yeah, yeah, bloody right. Rugby boy bants! Yeah!
How are we, chaps? I'm all right. How are you getting on?
I'm not quite in love, but we're doing all right.
Are you finding this is taking you to some quite uncomfortable places?
Yes. It is quite uncomfortable, yeah.
Meeting the experts and them sort of
dismantling your dating style,
and then obviously hearing what the datees think of you...
Yeah. ..is pretty terrifying.
So, they are in full control? Full control.
So, where does it go from here? Where are you going to end up?
Well... Are you going to find love?
Well, that's the plan, to find the next person, really,
so we'll see, yeah. The next person?
Well, the one. The one? The one.
No, the next person. Yeah, the one.
And what's on the CV of the one? What are you actually looking for?
Well, someone with a good level of intelligence, good chat.
Allows you to do whatever you want to do.
I've got to make some changes myself, Michael.
That's what we're finding out.
What's on the list of your changes?
Probably, um...
Well... LAUGHTER
...be less selfish, maybe? Is it only an eight-part show?
You're gonna need a little bit longer
to go through all of those, I think.
We would both love you to settle down. Yes. Yeah.
A little calmer.
Well, we would like you to find someone very special.
Cheers, lads. Thank you. Thank you.
Thanks for tuning in
and we'll catch up with you for the main show later on.
Bye. Bye. Bye.
And if you want to listen to a proper podcast,
tune in to Parenting Hell,
which drops twice weekly across all good platforms. Thank you.
♪ Oh, I'm fascinated by you... ♪
Across town now to the man who puts the B in bronzer,
David Potts is on his arty date with potential Mr Right, Anthony.
Do you know about, like, mixing colours together?
Cos how do I do...? Yes, I do.
What colour are you looking for?
50 shades of orange?
I'm looking for a really nice brown tan colour.
I think it's red, green and white.
Yeah, these are primary colours.
How do people even learn these things?
Cos I've never learnt... School.
Just a thing called school.
It was a long time ago since I went to school. Yeah.
Oh, my God, it was.
When did...? What year did you go to school in?
About '95.
I was two then!
I was two when you went to high school. I know.
Oh, gosh. I love that. Yeah.
Red. Oh, that looks like your skin tone.
What, shit?
This is going really well and Anthony's fantastic company.
Even though he is a little bit older than me,
I really enjoy the idea of being with a more mature man.
Do you like younger? Yeah, I do.
I would never go out with anyone my own age or older. Oh, really?
Like, my mum said to me, like,
"Why don't you go out with someone older?"
And I was like, "What, from, like, the care home down the road?"
Don't knock it till you've tried it, mate.
Last time I visited my nan at the care home,
the dayroom was worse than the stink bunker -
jigsaws and jizz everywhere.
Cos I've got, like, a younger energy about me...
Yeah. ..I'd have to be with someone younger. Mm.
Definitely. I'm done.
I'm done.
Oh, shit, I don't think David's gonna like that.
I want to do mine first...
OK. ..cos I feel like mine might not measure up.
Well, it might at primary school.
Are you ready?
Actually, I'm starting to see the likeness.
Have I got, like, a skin disease? It looks nice!
Am I expected to like yours now, after that?
All I'm seeing is axe murderer.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah. It's nice.
Is it?!
I would say it probably looks like someone who's about 80.
ANTHONY LAUGHS Not far off.
There you go, then. Thank you. From me to you.
Thank you so much. You're welcome. Are you having yours?
I would love mine. Yeah.
Yeah, that's going straight in the bin.
ANTHONY LAUGHS
I'm just gonna pop out for a second. OK. I need a little tinkle.
I won't be long. See you in a sec. See you in a sec.
I'm not running off, don't worry.
Oh, my God, this date is so good!
This is absolutely fantastic,
brilliant, amazing, stunning, slay, sensational.
So, so far, so good,
but the experts have told me to ask him a question...
...what he's like in bed.
♪ The work, the sweat, the blood, the tears
♪ I'm cooking up a fire... ♪
Meanwhile, on the other side of London,
a self-proclaimed newly responsible and toned-down PK
is on his way for his date.
I give it less than five minutes.
So, the things I'm gonna find out tonight is her interests... Yes.
...what she likes to do... Great.
...her values. Even better.
I'll probably tell her to open up her internet banking.
Shit.
I want transparency today.
Starting with her mum's maiden name and the first road she lived on.
♪ Too hot, that's fire... ♪
If I like her, I will definitely kiss her.
I'm in the mood.
I need to buy some mint, though.
♪ We're catching fire. ♪
Well, you'd better hurry up,
cos speaking of fresh, here comes your date.
Hold up, she looks familiar.
Is the agents' database running a bit low or something?
It's DJ Viv who dated Stephen.
There was literally a dog doing a wee up a tree behind you, sorry.
Nice.
It was a lovely date.
I think he's a really nice guy.
But it was definitely more, I think, friendship vibes.
What, chatting about pissing dogs not your thing?! Weirdo.
So, I know I'm going on a date with PK Humble.
He looks like a fun guy from what I've seen,
so I'm hoping that this date is a little bit flirty.
Well, maybe, but you're dating PK 2.0.
He's matured, he's responsible, and he wants to know your net worth.
I mean, values.
Oo-sh, oo-sh, oo-sh, oo-sh, oo-sh, oo-sh.
Hello. Hello, hello, hello. How are you doing?
I'm good. I'm Viv.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.
Sorry, let me push...
Let me help you out with your chair. Oh, look at this. Gentleman.
This is very unlike me, by the way.
Is it? Oh, no.
Are you introducing me to a vibe you can't continue?
Oh, damn. Is that what's happening?
Yeah, normally, he'd have got you between his legs
and pretended to shear you by now.
You smell amazing, by the way. Thank you.
So, what made you choose going on a date with me?
Did they show you a picture of me? Yeah.
Oh, so... Look at the way you're smiling.
Ah! You're blushing! Am I not supposed to smile?
No, you can smile. No, I thought you were interesting
and, obviously, like...
...nice to look at, so I thought...
You think I'm nice to look at? I thought, "I can be free."
The pleasure is all mine.
Viv is looking good.
Ten out of ten.
This is going to be interesting.
Have you been on other dates, then?
How's it going? I've been on a few dates.
How have they been? Move on quickly, PK.
Er, I've been getting in trouble quite a bit.
Oh, no. What have you done?
I've flirted too much.
I wouldn't say I'm not trying to do that today,
but I'm trying to get to know you before I flirt so hard.
Why do I get the feeling it's not flirting he's thinking of?
I will say, you don't make it easy for me.
I believe in you, don't worry. You can do this.
So, it's, what, serious questions today?
Yeah. Is it that vibe? Yeah. Like, I'm trying to get...
I'm trying to find out what's going on...
OK. ..inside. OK, hit me.
Ask me a question.
What are your values?
Ooh. Yeah, you see? We're getting deep.
This is good. My values.
Kindness is a big one. Mm.
Honesty. Mm.
How honest are we talking, though? Cos honesty hurts, you know?
Classic player line there.
So, just white lies here and there?
Mm, we'll try and avoid lying if we can.
OK. Yes, Viv.
Sorry. OK, so what are your values?
Let's bring it back.
Do you want me to be...? I was just about to lie. No.
I was gonna lie... No, you don't have to do that over here.
...but I don't have to lie
cos we said we're going to be honest. I think so.
My values are...
...family... Good, PK.
...happiness. Well done. Mm.
Also, I just...
This is a bit off topic,
but I'm looking for someone that's, like, emotionally intelligent.
Is he just freestyling this shit
or has he got the agents speaking to him in an earpiece?
Either way, it does look like PK
is finally showing a different side to himself,
thanks to the agents' advice.
♪ Oh-oh-oh, this time... ♪
But over on his arty date with Anthony,
unless I've missed something,
David still hasn't dropped Dr T's killer question
to help them connect deeper.
Stink bunker.
Right, I've got a question for you. OK.
Are you ready? OK. I am kind of cringing.
Er... One second.
Am I gonna cringe, you asking me this? Oh, God.
No, don't say YOU'RE gonna cringe.
I know I'm gonna cringe.
Oh, I feel cringe-y already.
Oh, I'm not asking. No, no, go on, please. I can't.
Right.
You know when I told you I went into the agency...
Yeah. ..the other day? OK.
I was sat with Dr Tara.
Dr Tara's, like, a sex expert. Oh, OK.
And Dr Tara gave me a question to ask you.
Come on, DP, spit it out.
I can't believe I'm gonna get asked a question from a sexpert.
So sorry!
Sorry, I'm cringing
because I actually feel sick at the thought of asking.
One minute, I'm actually just looking over here
cos I can't actually directly look you in the eye whilst I'm saying it
cos I'm cringing!
So... No, she basically told me to ask you... Yeah?
Pottsy, you can do this.
Come on, David, spit it out.
What are you like in a bunker?
Rigid as a board or a sexy little fish?
Welcome back to Celebs Go Dating,
where we've just left David Potts squirming like a freshly salted slug
as he's yet to ask the question on everyone's lips.
Well, Dr T's lips at least.
Upper pair, just to clarify. Not the pum pum.
What are you like in bed?
Finally! Let's get comfy for this. CAN CLICKS OPEN
Um...
ANTHONY GIGGLES
That's just such a broad question, though, isn't it?
I think I'd go for... Yeah.
...punctual.
Are we trying to figure out who's the tunnel and who's the train?
TRAIN TOOTS
No? No, no, no!
No, no, no, no! Too much! Argh!
Yeah. No, no, we're not doing that. Right.
Oh, OK. I thought that's what we were doing. Oh, my God.
So... Sorry, it's just gone really warm in here. Yeah.
With a boyfriend and partner,
I'm probably quite caring and quite...
Caring? Caring. That is fine.
It's the word that's jumping into my head. No, no, no.
Caring is lovely. I wanted to say caress,
but I think that's... Caress? OK.
...probably going a bit too far now, so, yeah. OK, amazing.
Yeah. What's your favourite colour?
I thought you were gonna say, "What's your favourite position?"
No, I wasn't going to say that. I was gonna say
doggie in the mirror.
Yes, don't get that mixed up with doggie in the window.
My neighbour Clive can't look me in the eye any more.
ANTHONY LAUGHS OK, um... yeah.
Thank God he wasn't put off by Dr Tara's question.
It's just a bit cringe-y.
Like, this is too much for a public setting.
I'm paying this time. I'll pay.
No, no, no, I paid last time.
I should have paid. OK, that's amazing.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Do you know we actually had aprons that we never put on?
Well, I've had a fantastic time... Yes.
This looks promising.
...and excited for date three. Yes.
Pucker up, Davey-boy.
What are you waiting for?
Ooh, he looks like he's enjoying that.
I will see you soon. I'll see you soon.
Get home safe. I will.
Take care. Bye! See you later.
Go on, Pottsy! Oh, my God, it went so amazing.
So, my first time around at the agency,
I did make it to, like, third, fourth, fifth date,
but it was with one person.
This is my only worry.
I don't want to repeat what I did last time -
get too impulsive, jump in too quick.
But then at the same time, I loved seeing Ant again.
I feel like we're just going
from strength to strength to strength.
You never know, this could be the one!
Yes, David!
As long as your next date is better than your artwork,
you could be on to a winner.
Speaking of third dates,
Professor Green has somehow bagged himself a third outing with Clara,
despite doing a runner the last time they met.
And the agents have arranged a doggie-cafe date
because nothing says romance like a sausage dog locking eyes on you
whilst squeezing out a little chocolate Mr Whippy.
ROB GRUNTS AND WOOFS
I'm looking forward to seeing Clara. It ended a bit weirdly last time.
I was completely out of sorts that day.
Hey, come here.
You know, I wasn't hiding from the fact that I didn't feel myself.
Today will hopefully be a bit easier.
A bit more relaxed, less intense.
Famous last words, isn't it? "Yeah, it should be fine."
Hello! DOGS BARK
Oh, my God!
Let's hope cat-lover Clara feels the same way.
On our last date,
I'm not entirely sure exactly what happened.
I know that Stephen felt quite overwhelmed and quite emotional,
and that he wanted to take some time
to kind of think about things and process things.
That's as much as I kind of know.
Going on a third date with someone,
I think it is obviously because you like them.
And maybe there is potential for a fourth date,
but I think today will kind of give both of us more clarity on that,
and I'm hoping that by the time I leave this date
that maybe I have a little bit more clarity about where he's at.
Yeah, maybe. I just hope you've brought some poo bags -
for him, not the dogs.
Hi. Hi.
I would get up to say hi, but... You can't right now.
...I've been commandeered.
Hello. How you doing? Are you all right?
You're not too sure about me.
Yeah, I'm good, thank you. How are you? Not too bad.
You're more of a cat person than dog, aren't you?
Yeah, I am, but I do like dogs. Yeah?
This little guy... Jumped ship.
Oh, he's jumped ship immediately! That's it.
I think it might be time for me to discuss the elephant in the room,
given the abrupt ending the last time I saw Clara,
and so I think it's best that I bring it up,
with the hope that all goes smoothly
and I can keep my shit together.
How have you been? I'm good. Yeah?
You? Yeah, I've been all right,
a bit better than I was last time I saw you. Really?
Yeah. Good. Yeah. Yeah.
It was a... It was quite intense. DOG GROWLS
Do you think this is a bit more relaxing?
DOGS BARK AND GROWL Not for little Coco there.
Angry little shit.
How did you feel after we last saw each other?
Were you all right? When you were like,
"Oh, I feel like I just need a bit of time,"
I didn't know that you meant you were leaving right then,
so I was like, "OK."
Obviously, I was worried about you...
OK. ..and I wanted to know that you were OK.
But I think it's, like, one of those things where I really had to...
I know it's not about me. Yeah.
You can see that someone's not OK, you want to make sure that they are.
That's kind of how I felt when I left.
I wanted to know... Mm-hm. ...that you were OK.
Because it did feel abrupt afterwards,
and I was just like, "God, why did I get so intense?"
It is quite an intense process. It is intense, isn't it?
And it was so quiet and still.
And it feels quiet and still again...
Yeah. ..now the dogs have stopped barking.
Oh, no, it looks like we're losing him.
Quick, someone get a yappy little furball in there, quick.
DOG GROWLS Thank you.
♪ She's such a bad girl... ♪
Across town, the newly improved PK is all in with his date, Viv,
and seems to be winning her over.
I haven't asked you much about your dating life.
When's the last time you went on a date?
So, the last time I went on a date was...
It was a couple of weeks ago with someone else from the agency.
Argh! Er, are you all right, PK?
Don't do that!
Don't do...!
Don't do that!
I went on a date with Stephen...
...but it was definitely more friendship vibes,
and that's why I'm here today. Yeah, that's wrapped.
What's wra...? Me and you? Are we done?
That's wrapped. Really? Why is that, then?
That's a rattler.
Mate, she went on a date and nothing happened.
What's the problem?!
Why?
Cos I feel like... transparency.
She's being more transparent than a nudist in a greenhouse, mate.
Get over it.
You're probably aware that I know Stephen, no? No.
You didn't think...? What am I supposed to say?
"Hi, PK, lovely to meet you. I went on a date with Stephen."
Nah, but you could have just slipped it in.
I don't think it matters who we've dated before.
I'm willing to overlook the fact
that you're dating other people right now,
and I think you should give me a pass as well,
because I went on a date - who doesn't go on dates?
Didn't work out, so I'm here with you.
Oof! PK humbled.
♪ And they called it puppy love... ♪
SQUELCHING
Over at the doggie cafe,
Professor Green is blissfully unaware of the grief he's causing PK
cos he's finally turning on the charm for Clara.
Do you ever get spots?
I never really get them, but I've got one under the skin
and it's so painful and it's making my nose itch.
Oh, Prof. Mate, this ain't good chat.
Is this the flirting that they were training you to do?
Did I just say that? Yes, you did, Stephen.
I wanted to ask you, or, like,
tell you how I kind of feel about you...
Yeah. ..and then see if you're kind of feeling the same.
Yeah.
So, I think, for me, obviously, I like you,
I find you attractive, I find you interesting.
Even the kind of, like... the little rollercoaster-y bit.
Yeah, I guess that's where I'm at. Yeah.
I like spending time with you,
I like you. I think you're attractive.
Come on, Steve-o. You can do this.
GROWLING
That wasn't me.
Pipe down, Fritz. It's crunch time. DOG WHIMPERS
I mean, if you're happy with the pace things are at,
you know, I'd like to see you again.
Yes! Well done, mate!
I just want to do things differently.
The one thing that I definitely need is patience.
Yeah. DOG GROWLS
CLARA LAUGHS Oh, is it? Oh, is it?
Don't lick my mouth.
Shall we get out of dogland?
To be fair, you were more involved with the dogs than me.
You're more hands-on.
On our date today,
Stephen seemed really chilled, really relaxed...
DOG WHIMPERS ...and, yeah, just, like,
in a really... I don't know. Like, in a good place
and, yeah, it just felt easy.
Hello, mate. Hiya. Is it all right if I pay for our drinks, please?
Absolutely. Did you enjoy your session?
Yeah, it was great. Did indeed, yeah.
Lovely. Very cute. There you go.
Sweet. Thank you very much. Thanks very much.
Thank you. See you later.
The date was fun.
Clara said she likes me, she finds me attractive.
Those are very nice things to hear.
Which way are you walking? I'm going that way.
Come on, then. Let's go.
It was nice being a bit more relaxed
and being able to lean into the fun side...
Dare I say the fun side of things a little bit more?
Hard not to when you've got dogs jumping all over you,
trying to bite your fingers off for snacks.
So, Stephen's as happy as a dog with two dicks,
but back with PK and Viv,
and her previous professor date is causing
a mid-date stumble.
Can PK put it P-hind him? Sort of works.
I'll be honest with you,
I do probably think I'm top-five best-looking in the UK.
Rate yourself, I love that. Yeah, GQ... Back yourself.
...all of that good stuff. Mm-hm.
So, when I come on a date,
it's hard for a girl not to be attracted to me.
I'm in great shape. OK, so how are you...?
I'm in great shape, apart from my belly.
I'm pretty sure that's what Elvis said
just before he died having a shit.
I've got a bit of a belly. I've got, like, an uncle bod.
Not my uncle.
Poor bastard had to be craned into the ambulance.
No, you haven't. Took the wall out. Yeah, I do.
But I am sporty. I can still move and stuff. OK.
However, I'm not just, like... Have you got stamina?
I got stamina. I'm talking about sport.
What are you talking about? I didn't say anything.
Why are you smiling at me, then? I just smiled. OK.
Can't I smile at you? No, you can. You've got a lovely smile.
You think so? You should do it more often. Is it?
Damn. We should do THIS more often. Yeah?
Ooh, I think Viv's getting the PK date train back on track.
OK, deep, deep.
We're going deep, remember, yeah? Yeah, we're going deep.
Actually, I have a question for you.
Have you ever kissed on a first date?
You were supposed to be going deep.
So, I don't usually kiss on the first date... Shit.
...only because it gives you something else to look forward to.
So, if we don't kiss tonight, are you done with me? Is that it?
HIGH-PITCHED: Um... nah, nah. Nah, nah, nah.
Nah. That was very high-pitched.
The salt on the spicy marg got me. OK.
You should try... You should buy it.
I do like a spicy margarita.
It's my favourite cocktail, so...
Do you want to try mine?
Go on, then. Go on, then. Try mine.
So, I've kind of kissed you.
Yeah, you've kind of kissed me... Yeah.
...cos you've used my straw. I have.
You've sucked on my straw.
Easy, mate. You were doing so well.
Had to make it weird. Sor... Oh, shit.
No, it's fine. Sorry. It's fine.
So, we've basically kissed. We have. Damn.
There you go. On the first date. On the first date.
See? It happened. It happened.
Ask and you shall receive.
You might not want to say shit like that around PK.
I can't wait to kiss for real, though.
Shall I get the bill, then?
Let's do it.
Let me do that. Do you want to splitsies?
Look at that face! Are you guys all right?
You're a Nigerian girl. You've never split a bill.
I think the date today went really, really well.
I feel like I got his banter, and when it went a little
bit too far to the left, I was just kind of like,
"Yeah, let's bring it back."
Let me get the door. Thank you.
Well, it's been a pleasure. I had a really good time.
Second date, I get my kiss. We'll see.
All right, then. Goodbye, goodbye. Bye. Take care.
At the start of the date,
I made it clear that I'm not gonna flirt with her,
unless I'm actually interested with her.
So, as the date went along and I started flirting,
she knew what time it was.
See you soon. See you soon.
He kind of got a kiss because we swapped drinks.
So, you know, he should be happy with that
cos I don't swap drinks willy-nilly.
See you later. Bye.
Oh, there you are. There's axe wounds...
- Yes! - Yes! LAUGHTER
...big balls...
Oh, I say! It's big and it's smooth and it's all yours.
♪ Colleen... ♪
Got a bit of a salty rim.
...and plenty of tongues...
Mm.
...as our celebs...
Would you see me again?
...go... Woohoo!
...dating!
Oh! Spicy!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media