[Manus] This story is about a wonderful night,
with a baby, a manger, and bright shining light.
When Mary and Joseph arrived in Nazareth,
and Jesus our Lord took his first breath.
Where's yours?
King Herod, in front of the Viking.
[children sing "Silent Night"]
She looks like Hugh Hefner.
Yes. That's who it is.
Shh...
You really smell of booze, Meg,
you smell like the carpet at a Wetherspoons.
I got taken out by some clients
for a worky, boozy, brunchy, mainly boozy, booze-up brunch.
I love Christmas corporates.
[whispers] Guys, please pipe down,
I'm trying to watch.
Spoiler alert,
Joseph's not the father.
Sorry. Sorry.
What's up with you? Early menopause?
I promised my girls I'd wear my Christmas jumper.
It's like a wet t-shirt competition underneath here.
[electric guitar plays]
Goodness, he's very good, isn't he?
Well, yeah, that's Mr. Washbourn.
Hey?
He used to be in the band Toploader
before he became a TA.
He's got a tattoo of an eagle on his thigh.
I follow him on Facebook.
[thud]
Wasn't that fab?
Well done, Year Six.
Who's up for an encore?
Hell yeah! Woo!
["Joy to the World" plays on guitar]
Manus was great, wasn't he?
As Harry Potter.
He was an orphan time traveling schoolboy narrator, Anne.
I don't remember that bit in the Bible.
Mr. Barrett wrote the part especially for him.
I think there could be a future for him in acting,
he's just got that confidence, you know. Not the annoying kind.
Guys, guys, guys, quick Q, um, has anyone heard of Mine Craft?
My girls are asking for it for Christmas.
-Yes. -It's MinecraftKevin.
Yeah, that's what I said, Mine Craft.
Minecraft,not Mine Craft,
it's not German, Hitler didn't write it.
My Charlie's obsessed with it.
I dunno why, it's just building stuff,
it's educational.
Charlie wants to be an architect because of it.
-Oh. -Or a potion maker.
He hasn't decided yet.
Oh, great. Well, obviously, I'm going to play it all first
to make sure there's not misogyny
or casual drug references.
You know you can't play all of Minecraft?
-Huh? -Never mind.
What's the plan? Pub? I need a booze boost.
Guys, I thought we were going
to the living nativity as an end of term treat.
[all mumbling]
There's a mulled wine stall.
Ooh, I love a mulled wine.
Come on.
I don't know about you, but anytime I see a big crowd
it makes me think of a terrorist attack.
And a Happy Christmas to you too, Anne.
Was there this much of a queue
at the original nativity do you think?
I don't know, ask Amanda, I'm pretty sure she was there.
Very funny, Liz.
Hey, I heard there's going to be a rabbit you can pat.
One rabbit?
One rabbit for all these kids going in and out?
Jesus Christ, how many pats can one rabbit take?
About 200.
Hey?
Roughly speaking, 200 pats, or 15 minutes' worth
of heavy patting is a rabbit's limit.
Do you think Anne patted a rabbit to death?
Yeah.
That's why she had to leave Ireland.
Oh, guys before I forget, Christmas Eve, 7:00 p.m.,
I'm having a little festive gathering chez moi.
I've only got one stiffy invite left.
Actually, it's officially for Meggy.
-Ooh, thank you. -There you go,
it's got your name on it there.
Um. The rest of you just take down the deets.
[man] Next family please.
Charming.
[Amanda] Come on.
Give us a look at your stiffy then?
"Amanda's annual Christmas drinkies."
"Dress code is tinsel and tiaras."
"Bring a gift for evil Santa."
"Real Champagne 6:00 to 7:00, Cava thereafter."
I'm not going to her anal Christmas drinkies
if she's not giving me a stiffy.
Who has a party on Christmas Eve?
The night before Christmas is for cooking and cleaning,
making up the beds, folding towels, your big towels,
your small towels, your hand towels.
Are Paul's parent staying over?
Yes, yes, yes they are,
and the rest of his family arrive on Boxing Day,
so both days are awful. I mean, basically,
I am a Christmas servant.
Christmas isn't Christmas
without a bit of family politics, is it?
Who is gonna have the last sprout?
Why did you pull my cracker?
Who's gonna clean up
after Jill's grandad's used the toilet?
I'm taxi-ing over to Jill's mom's
very early on Christmas morning with the turkey, potatoes
cauliflower cheese, spiced beef,
pigs in blankets, the ham, cheese board, the full caboodle.
Then basically, all I have to do is head over and serve it,
-and wash up. -What does Jill do?
She fills a bowl with Quality Street,
best bit of the day.
Lee's got the kids this year, so, that's that,
Christmas can get fucked.
[Julia] Is Sam the shepherd
not coming down to worship at your manger?
Guys, heads up,
it's not a real reindeer,
I've been to Lapland and it's at best a muntjac.
At worst, an Alsatian with a strap on.
[Julia laughs]
[indistinct chatter]
[phone rings]
Jesus! Who puts a quarter of an onion
in the fridge?
We brought some bits and pieces
from our fridge that would have gone off,
thought they might be of use. Um...
[groans]
[tin foil rustles]
[phone rings]
[sighs] What?
I've been in this queue for nearly 25 minutes.
Ah, what absolutely shit
are you going to panic buy me this year?
Another apron that says
"Bitch, I'm the secret ingredient"?
No.
Hey, um, can you just ask Dad if Mom needs a new Epilady?
My God, why can't you?
You know he never answers his phone.
Geoff!
-Geoff. -Geoff!
Geoff!
Paul wants to know, does Elizabeth need a new Epilady?
What?
Does Elizabeth need a new Epilady?
Do you need a new Epilady, Elizabeth?
-No. -No.
-Shit.
Okay, okay, um, what about a Michael Kors clutch?
Or a massive suitcase?
Oh, Julia, do you have any Sellotape and scissors?
Right, yes. Fine.
[Elizabeth] You don't need to worry about wrapping paper,
we recycled all ours from last year.
Um... Are we eating today?
Hey?
It's Christmas Eve... Geoff.
Nobody eats on-- There is food everywhere,
just peel a satsuma, crack a nut.
Tuck into a quarter of an onion you coffin-dodging old shit.
[Geoff] Julia, could you pop the kettle on?
I left the cups on the counter.
[phone rings]
-What? -[Paul] Would you like
an Antony Worrall Thompson salt pig signed by him?
-No. -Okay,
what about Jaeger sockettes,
Ted Baker sunglasses...
[Marion] Julia, where are all the towels?
I can only find the crispy ones you use for the dogs,
like drying myself on a Weetabix.
Okay, well give me a minute, and I'll just pop down
to Harrods and purchase you a cashmere bath sheet.
Oh, Julia.
No, because I live to serve, and I just have all this to do,
all... this.
If you just give me nine hours to spirit up Christmas,
and then I can dust off my towel loom
and weave you one from the hair
from a baby's arsehole.
[Marion] All right, Julia,
I'll use one of the crispy ones, hm?
[groans]
Okay, guys,
I'm just popping out to kill myself,
I would put my head in the oven,
but there's a turkey the size of a chubby toddler in there.
See ya!
[door closes]
[Geoff] Is my tea ready, Julia?
Can't you just tether some reindeer to the front
and drag your van to London?
Yeah, it's hard to get reindeer roadside recovery
at the best of times, let alone on Christmas Eve.
[sighs] You got my bloody hopes up.
Well, look, if it's any consolation,
looks like I'll be spending my Christmas Day in a lay-by.
-[knock on door] -Hold on.
[Julia] Lizzie!
Lizzie!
Call you back.
Yo.
So, I've run away from home
so that we can go to Amanda's anal party.
-No, no. -Yes.
-Please! -No!
-Please! -No, I'm not in the mood,
Sam's not coming now, so,
I'm just gonna start wallowing in my own
shitty shitmas without the kids
-and watch Hereditaryagain. -Please, Lizzie,
I just really-- I want to go somewhere
I don't have to tidy up or pay.
Please, if you're a good girl
I'll give you a big snog under the mistletoe.
[phones chime]
[Julia chuckles]
I hate you! All right.
It took me hours to build up my Minecrafthomestead,
I had a room for my horse, I had a couple of cows,
I had a waterfall.
Then your Charlie joined the party,
I showed him round, and he just went nuts,
and set fire to the annex I'd made for the pigs.
So, I went to his place and did the same.
Oh, put it away, Kev, you're not eight!
Oh, dear.
Do you think it's a Banksy?
How disappointing.
Who would do something so nasty?
Was it you?
I wouldn't use that font.
Right, come on, we're gonna miss all the real Champagne.
[Julia] Mm.
Ah, welcome, welcome!
Shoes off, please.
I have a fungal infection.
Merry Christmas.
Gosh, Amanda, this is absolutely stunning.
Yeah, it's actually for my HyggeTygge website shoot,
everything with a price tag is from my shop, and for sale.
Oh, my God! That is absolutely mahoosive!
Was that gifted by the people of Norway?
No, actually. No.
Now, if you have been to my dos before,
you'll know I have a strict schedule.
Evil Santa is at 7:00,
followed by carols by scented candlelight.
Anne is manning the bar,
there is a patio area outside for mulled wine,
please no dark drinks inside the house,
otherwise, kick back. Have fun, guys.
[phone chimes]
Oh, my goodness, those little sods,
they've kidnapped my llamas.
It's the Pussy Posse, and Kevin.
And Kevin.
-Minecraft. -Oh.
Can you believe all this shit?
I mean, who has a Christmas hippo?
That hippo completely sums up why I fucking hate Christmas.
Porn star martini? Porn star martini?
Why is it called a porn star martini?
Because it relaxes your anus.
-Oh, God. -[bell rings]
Evil Santa time.
-Okay. [shushes] -[rings bell]
Everyone, okay.
So, FYI, this is like a really fun take on secret Santa,
you get to swap your prezzies if you don't like them,
whether the other person wants to or not.
Ouch! [chuckles]
Okay, so has everyone put their prezzies in?
No.
No one told me about Evil Santa.
Well, it was on the invite, Liz.
I didn't get an invite.
Okay, I guess,
just watch but please don't try and join in.
-[Meg chuckles] -[sighs] Okay.
Bad luck if you get picked first.
Oh, that's me. Oh. Oh, well. [chuckles]
What's it gonna be?
Oh.
Oh, what's that?
Oh, a candle from HyggeTygge. [sniffs]
Love it. Great, that worked out,
I'm thrilled.
Okay, who is next? Who's it gonna be?
-Anne. -[gasps]
[Amanda] Come on, Anne.
-Have a look, come on! -[Anne chuckles]
[Amanda] Move it, move it.
What is it? What is it? [chuckles]
-What is that? -Oh, that's me,
it's quarter of an onion, um, my in-laws brought it.
[scoffs] Don't you dare swap that with my lovely candle.
-No. -Okay. Yeah, um...
Well, I need a bit of onion for my bread sauce anyway, so...
That's the spirit, Anne. Off you go.
Okay, who is next?
Let's have a look. Ooh!
Julia, come along.
Here we go. Come on.
-[paper rustles] -[chuckles]
-A lemon squeezer. -It's Lakeland.
Hey?
Don't you dare try and swap that with my lovely candle.
-Well, obviously I will. -I don't want a lemon squeezer.
-It's Lakeland. -No.
-Yes. -Julia, it's my party.
But you said. You said that's the point,
-which you outlined... -It's from my shop.
Stop it. Sweetheart, you're embarrassing yourself.
The clue is in the name, isn't it?
-Julia. Yeah, okay. -The candle.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
[Julia] Thank you.
[Amanda] Thanks, Anne.
Okay, ah...
Kevin? Where is Kevin?
-Kevin? -I'll go and get him.
Kevin!
[Amanda] Okay, I'll put his name back in.
-Clare? -[Clare] Yep.
[Amanda] Come on, Clare.
Fuckin' hell.
Oh, hey, don't let me drink too much.
How much is too much?
Well, I need to stay on the right side of hungover
to deal with tomorrow.
Really? God, I thought your Christmas would be perfect.
No, because we always have Bill's ex-wife Vivian over,
she's driving up from Salisbury,
-tonight. -Gosh! That sounds
very grown up and functional.
No. Its shit, because I stole her husband,
Bill left her for me.
And she's so fucking gracious about it.
I'd rather deal with a hangover
than Vivian's kind, forgiving face.
Okay. Well, here's to your
shitty, functional Christmas then.
Get that down you. Cin cin,dear.
-[glass clinking] -Kevin?
This house is sapping any joy I had left in my soul.
You know the toilet plays "Ding Dong Merrily on High"?
Did you leave a yule log in it?
I mean who's it all for?
It's for us, so that we all know that Amanda's winning.
[Julia] It makes you want to volunteer
at a homeless shelter or something, doesn't it?
I definitely would if I didn't have the kids...
and I was a nicer person,
-and I could be arsed. -[Meg] Right,
who wants to have a snoop
through Amanda's Christmas drawers?
Ooh, yeah.
Ooh!
Wow.
I didn't know Amanda was related to Barbara Cartland.
Oh, this is just the kind of bedroom I imagined
losing my virginity in.
Rather than the fourth story of an NCP carpark?
Actually, it was a tent at the Reading Festival.
I don't want to slut shame, but nothing says "slag"
like mistletoe in a bedroom.
Oh, my God!
Kevin, what are you doing down there?
Mine Craft.
I'm mid-raid, I'm mid-raid.
Filthy little boy.
Ho, ho, ho!
Who wants a festive goblet of mulled wine?
Meg, are you mad, did you miss the memo?
-What? -No dark drinks
-in the house. -Really? Why?
The carpet, woman.
Oh, my God! Who does that?
Why has she got a white carpet?
I hate milimilism. Misimilism.
Give it to me, I'll put it in the ensuite.
Okay, okay, okay.
Careful Kevin.
Oh, God!
[all] Ooh.
[Meg laughs]
[Liz] Oh, my God!
[Meg laughs]
-[mulled wine splashes] -[Meg] Oh, my goodness.
Oh, wow!
-Did you see that? -Yes!
You were like a cat, Kevin.
-[Meg] High five! -[all] Ooh.
[laughs]
Oh, my God, the carpet!
Get some towels. Get some wet towels.
Wet towels? That will just spread it.
What do you put on blood? Vinegar?
Flour. Flour. No, white wine.
We're not making a gravy, Kevin.
Go get some bicarbonate of soda.
I'll check the kitchen.
Get some toilet tissue.
-Tissue! -So, sorry. So sorry.
Don't you be sorry, it's Meg's fault.
I'm sorry. [laughs]
Looks like a crime scene.
I think you've broken my nose.
I think I'm gonna be sick, I've definitely pissed myself.
Got it, got it. Right.
Give it to me.
-[all] Ooh. -[Kevin] Oh, sh...
Dust yourself off, get it on the carpet.
Get it on the carpet!
[laughs]
Pat, pat, pat. Don't rub. Don't rub!
Guys, come on, it's carol o'clock.
Nothing.
[whispers] Oh, my God!
Are you taking drugs?
Yes.
Yes, we've been sniffing cocaine.
[exhales]
Would you-- Would you like some?
I know I seem pretty chill,
and that's because I am, but there is a time
and a place, guys, okay?
Not cool.
Not cool at all.
And get out of my daughters' bedroom!
-Okay. -Yeah, okay. Sorry.
[Julia blows raspberry]
-That'll do. -Yeah.
[all singing] ♪ Four calling birds
♪ Three French hens
♪ Two turtle doves
♪ And a partridge
♪ In a pear tree
[rapping] ♪ You take the partridge
♪ You take it out the fridge You put it in the oven ♪
♪ And you cook it a smidge Here we go! ♪
[grunts rhythmically]
♪ Christmas Day Is baby Jesus birthday ♪
♪ He live at the top Of the tree ♪
♪ The Christmas tree
Okay, and on that note,
thanks for coming everyone,
-home time. -No, no, no,
I don't wanna go home sober.
You're not sober.
Okay do grab a panettone
from the panettone pyramid. Anne, one!
Anne, are you walking home with us, love?
No, she's helping me clean up.
[Anne] No, I have things to do, I'm doing the bins.
One, watch her.
-Okay. -Whoopsie!
[Amanda] Anne, get the glass!
That's lovely.
-[Anne] Okay. -[Amanda] Okay, wonderful.
-[Anne] Good evening. -I love you.
[Amanda] Oh, that's so sweet.
-Thank you. -[all] Bye.
Well, that was brilliant.
I feel terrible about the stain.
Everyone back to mine.
It's Christmas Eve, Meg.
Oh, come on you flaky lightweights,
just one more eggnog,
so I don't have to face Bill's ex.
It's only... [gasps]
Why am I wearing two watches?
What?
No! No, no, no. Liz, can you call your child
and tell him to stop raiding my homestead,
he's gonna burn it down and take all my gold.
What's Charlie doing on Minecraftat this time of night?
[Kevin] Whoa. Whoa. What the bloody hell?
Ooh, that's not cool.
[Kevin] Oh, my God!
Who would do such a thing?
Kevin, we saw it earlier.
What? We didn't do anything?
You were dicking about on Mein Kampf.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! We can't leave it up there.
What if a kid sees it on Christmas morning?
I don't care, Kevin, I've got a giblet gravy to make.
-No, no. -[groans]
I'm all for free speech, but this is BS.
And blasphemy.
What do you want us to do, Kevin?
Find some paint and paint over it?
Exactly.
-Oh, my god. -It's ten past nine,
Homebase is shut.
That's just details, Liz.
This is what Christmas is all about.
It's parents all over the world
preserving the magical lies we tell our kids
to keep the spirit of Christmas alive.
And I...
I will not stand here and let this truth be told.
Fine. [grunts]
Okay. Okay, fine, Kevin.
Where are we gonna find some paint on Christmas Eve?
[muffled music plays]
Hold on, why are there still people here?
I thought they were all leaving.
Maybe there's been an accident or something.
[Julia] Oh, for God's sake, Kevin!
[Liz] We've been had.
We've been chucked out of a party
-I didn't even wanna be at. -Right.
[knocks on door]
[Julia] We know you're in there, so open the door.
Yoo-hoo!
Jesus Christ. Um...
Nothing. I'm doing the bins. So...
Hey. Uh...
-Their taxis didn't turn up. -[Liz] Bollocks!
You wanted to thin your party out,
but didn't have the balls to tell us.
This is my party,
if I wanna vibe on with my gal pals,
that's my prerogative.
So, you lied. You just kicked us out into the snow.
It's not snowing, Julia.
I think you know what I mean. Is this really Christmas spirit,
good will to all men, peace on Earth, parumpapumpum?
Shame on you.
Shame on you and your one invite between three.
-Four. -Four.
You can have your big, showy-offy Christmassy house,
Christmas is not about your bibbles and bobbles,
and your edible wreaths.
It's not edible.
It's about what is in there,
and there's nothing in your there.
You're like an empty husk.
You're like a mince pie with no mince.
You're a dead Christmas with no heart. What?
[Amanda] Goodnight, Julia.
Whoa! Let's just roll back. Roll back.
Somebody has scrawled, um, "Santa's not real"
on the living nativity.
[gasps] What if a small child saw that?
Yes! So, what we need is a ladder,
-some paint-- -What was it you said Julia?
"A dead Christmas with no heart"?
Mm. Did I? Um...
[Amanda] And now...
you want my help?
No, not me, not me. The children.
They'll be wandering past that atrocity that says
"Santa's not bloody real."
Is that an apology?
If that's what you need. If that's what you need,
then I'm sorry.
How dare you?
My Christmas does have heart, and for your information,
this year I wanted it to be especially special.
It is my first time hosting without Johnny,
and probably the last time in my lovely house.
So, I am so sorry I went to such a lot of effort for you all
and I hope you're happy, because you have ruined it.
How did we ruin it?
Timber!
[Meg laughs]
[gasps]
[laughs] Didn't anybody film that?
Well, that's that then.
No, we can't lecture Amanda on Christmas spirit
and not do something about this.
Yeah, you did go a bit over the top
with the whole "parumpapumpum."
[metal clanging]
Oh, my God, Anne, you little beauty!
-[Amanda] Don't you dare, Anne! -[knocking on window]
Don't you dare, Anne!
[Anne] Go, go, go!
I am calling your husband.
[Anne] Right,
let's get this Christmas back on feckin' track.
Where's Meg the lazy bugger?
Oh, God.
I hope she's not gone in with the donkey.
Can't abide donkeys.
Got bit on a school trip to Skerries.
I was feeding one a Fruit Pastille
-and it bit me under the nipple. -Ooh, Anne.
The priest lifted up my t-shirt to check the bruise.
It's ironic, because, actually, "Anne" is French for "donkey."
Why is that ironic, Kevin?
Well, it's interesting then. Just an interesting detail.
I think the interesting detail
is that after a donkey bit Anne on the nipple,
she got molested by a priest.
Hey, guys. Come here, look at this!
[Julia grunts]
Oh, that's nice and cozy.
[Anne] God love her.
[Liz] Aw!
Wake the fuck up!
["O Come Let Us Adore Him" plays]
Nothing like the smell of fresh emulsion
to see in Christmas Day.
I've still got a toilet to unblock,
and three massive bags of potatoes to peel.
["O Come Let Us Adore Him" plays]
♪ Sing in exultation
♪ Sing all ye citizens Of Heaven above ♪
♪ Glory to God
♪ In the highest
♪ O come let us adore him
[all] ♪ O come let us adore him
-♪ Oh come let us-- -♪ ...let us adore him
[high-pitched] ♪ Christ the Lord!
Nice of her to turn up when we've nearly finished.
At the end of the day,
I can forgive you for the negging,
for the petty theft,
and the desecration of the penguin tableau,
I know that was you, Liz.
-But what I can't forgive-- -She's seen the carpet.
...is myself for not rolling up my sleeves
and saving God damn Christmas, because this isn't about us...
it's about the kids.
Budge up, Anne.
Kev, would you get a photo of this for my Insta?
♪ Once in royal David's city
♪ Stood a lowly cattle shed
♪ Where a mother
♪ Laid her baby
♪ In a manger
♪ For his bed
♪ Mary was
♪ That mother mild
♪ Jesus Christ
♪ Her little child
♪ He came down
♪ To Earth from Heaven
♪ Who is God
-♪ And Lord of all -[horn honking]
♪ And his shelter
♪ Was a stable
♪ And his cradle
♪ Was a stall
♪ With the poor
♪ And meek and lowly
♪ Lived on Earth
♪ Our Savior holy
I'm sorry I stole your husband, Vivian.
♪ We shall see him
♪ But in Heaven
♪ Set at God's
♪ Right hand on high
♪ When like stars
♪ His children crowned
♪ All in white
♪ Shall be around
[child] Mommy, Santa's been!
He's been! He's been!
[sighs]
[theme music plays]