( music playing )
- Oh. - Man: Hello.
I am so sorry. I have the wrong room.
- Uh, no, it's fine. Come in. - I completely apologize.
No, please! Please, I insist. Come in.
- Really? - Wow! Please come in.
Wh-- Please! You should come inside. Come inside.
Don't be shy. What a surprise.
It's nice to have company.
This is the right room. I promise you.
- Oh. - Come on in.
- I'm Rosie. Hi. - Come on in! Hey!
- I'm Erol. - OK. Nice to meet you. Um--
Make yourself comfortable. I haven't seen anyone for days.
This is a nice room, this is much bigger--
How much are you paying per night? My room's like half this size.
- I live here, actually. Yeah. - You live here? Oh, cool. OK.
- Yeah, shut the door. - Yeah, I'm just worried,
I meant to find-- We're staying in 217.
The hallway is really... funny, and I--
- Shut the door. That's fine. - But anyway, yeah.
Yeah, it's tricky. But you're here now,
- and that's all that matters. - Yeah.
Well, gee, what a nice surprise.
Oh, are you an artist? Look at that!
I tell you what, it's a little--
Why don't you make yourself comfortable?
- Get out of that, um... - Get out of this...?
This-- This thing.
It's a little warm in here. Take that off.
Oh. I guess it is kind of warm.
- Um, OK. - Yeah.
That's nice. That's very nice.
Yeah. That's good.
Yeah, just throw it-- just toss it anywhere.
Great, great, great.
So, yeah, um...
j-just...
make yourself comfortable.
You've seen me, I'm in my underwear.
You should take that skirt off.
You know, get yourself in your... underwear.
Yeah.
Oh that's-- that's nice. Wow.
Nice legs. You a dancer?
Ballerina? Something? With legs like that.
- Very nice. - I just don't know if I should do this,
'cause my husband is in the room, like, four rows down,
and I have a kid, and she's got a fever--
Don't talk about a husband and kid. Just be anonymous.
I don't want to know any backstory or anything like that.
Just keep it physical. That was great, what you--
I think she's a real person. She's a real backstory.
( sighs ) Be primal.
- Don't talk. - Is that what you want?
Want a little primal woman just roll in here?
OK, great. I got it.
Gimme a second!
- Meow. - What's this?
( meowing, hissing )
It seems that a weird feral... kitty has wandered into my room.
A rabid kitty, it seems like.
- ( yowling ) - It's a pretty kitty.
- Beautiful. - ( meowing )
That's nice.
( hissing )
( kissing )
Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that's nice.
- ( meowing ) - Yeah, wait a second.
No, no, don't do that. Don't do the meowing thing.
That's, uh, it's taking me out of it a little bit.
- I'm a cat. - I like that you're being primal,
I like that you're being a kitty,
but don't talk-- you know that.
But here's the thing.
It's the meowing is kinda taking me out of it.
Do you want to do it? Maybe it's your turn.
- I'm not gonna do this. - I'm done. It's your turn.
( knocking on door )
You know, I just don't know what--
Oh, my God, I'm in the-- Sorry, I'm in the wrong room.
No, I think you're in the right room.
No, come in. Please.
I shouldn't.
I think you should.
- Really? - Yeah.
I have this guitar right here,
and I just need somebody to play it for me.
- This guitar? - Yeah. Do you think--
Do you play guitar?
Actually, I play a little guitar.
- Oh, really? - A pluck. Just a little.
- Yeah. - Wow, you're so innocent and shy.
Do you like guitar?
Um, I do. Wow, that's very sexy.
What happens when someone plays the guitar?
Well? What happens?
Oh, I mean, all kinds of things can happen.
- Well, let me just take this off. - Oh, wow.
- Ow. My God. - What's under there?
( grunting ) Actually,
this does not feel good.
I'm a little rusty. I haven't been playing much lately,
but I'll give it my--
- ( playing ) - Yeah, thanks, stranger.
♪ There's this girl wearing blue ♪
♪ I really don't know what to do ♪
♪ I got a pretty good idea what we should do ♪
♪ We should screw, we should screw, we should screw ♪
And make a baby!
♪ Yes, I guess we should make a baby ♪
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I guess it's gonna drive us crazy ♪
♪ But yes, let's make a baby, make a baby, make a baby ♪
- Hi, baby. - Hello!
Um, I'm Erol, I'm your--
if everything goes well, I'm gonna be your father, and...
And I'm Rosie, I'm gon-- I'm your mom.
Right now, it's December 18th, 2018,
and I know you're out in heaven,
hanging out with the spirits,
but we're really excited for you to come down
through all of the celestial orbits
and join me and my ovaries,
and your dad tonight
is going to use the sperm inside of his... penis to--
- Testicles. First in my testicles. - Oh, is it?
It will shoot out of my penis.
Anyway, and then it's gonna come into me,
and you're gonna be formed.
And that's the important thing you said,
which is, um, where the sperm resides,
not in the celestial heavens, but in my testicles,
which are a sac of two testes.
It's a little more magical than just that,
because you have a soul,
and we know that souls come from God,
and that's-- God is inside of all of us.
Which is part of the reason I don't believe, really, in God,
because if God's inside of us,
I don't really believe in myself,
so it's hard to believe in a God of the kingdom of--
It's a joke. That's--
- ( stammers ) - You don't believe in anything.
Look at your mother.
She's so fucking beautiful!
What is she doing with me? That's the big mystery here.
- No. - You know?
You're a wildly charismatic and strange...
and mysterious human being.
- ( kissing ) - Mmm. Anyway,
we are going to make you now.
- What's that? - We can put it down and just get to it.
No, let's set the camera on the bed there,
and then we'll shoot the act of the conception, that's the plan.
Right? To shoot the-- the actual--
I don't think we need to make a porn video.
We're just making, like, a loving--
I thought this was just like foreplay.
No, it won't be a porn movie,
I'm not gonna show anything like penetration--
- We got this motel for a conception. - Hold on a second. Let's--
I thought that was the point of this.
You said that I could do this.
You said that we could shoot, like, make-- document--
You know when I say I have a boundary,
and then you cross the boundary,
and then I say, "You just crossed my boundary"?
You're crossing my boundary.
( sighs )
- ( Rosie moaning ) - ( Erol murmuring )
- Rosie: Oh, baby. - Erol: You feel good.
OK, so when you cum, you just have to stay inside me for a little bit
- so that the semen doesn't all fall out of me. - Yeah, I got it.
( Rosie moaning )
And I'm gonna put my legs up against the wall
for like an hour and a half, just so you know.
Yeah, I got you. Baby, you feel so good.
And just really thrust when you cum,
so it goes into my cervix.
I got it. I got it. I understand.
( moaning )
- Are you ready? - I'm gonna cum.
Oh, yeah! Oh, I love you so--
Oh, my God! You are filming!
- No, I'm not. - You're filming!
- Oh, my God, put that down. - I'm so close.
- Get off me. Get off me. - I'm just shooting a part of it.
You knew we were gonna-- we were shooting a video--
You never respect anybody's boundaries.
Do you wanna do this or not? I'm so close.
- Oh, my God. - It's not about boundaries.
- Let go of me! - The idea was to shoot the special night.
- Baby, please? - Get off.
Listen, baby, I'm sorry, OK?
Put that away. Will you just put it away?
- Why? - You're so beautiful.
It's a nice document to have, like when--
- Mm-hmm. - I won't shoot anything if you don't want me to.
I thought the idea was we're gonna shoot the special night...
and preserve it, to, like, our actual conception
of a baby that we're doing together.
I want to do what Richard Linklater did,
and take it even further, you know what I mean,
with "Boyhood."
Well, Richard Linklater is an actual artist.
Thanks. I mean, I mean--
( stammering )
You know what? Nothing makes me feel better
than trying to ruin your self-esteem.
- ( laughs ) - I don't need you for that.
OK. Baby, I--
I sometimes acquiesce to your father's strange desires,
and, um, it's not always a smart move on my part,
but, uh... it appears to be what's happening.
So get the fuck over here and let's make a baby.
( laughing )
You know, um--
Aw, you smell like coffee. It's nice.
Oh, really? Yeah? Is it nice? That's good.
I love you. I'm really excited about this.
- Me too. - Really excited.
OK. Well, if everything goes well,
we'll see ya in nine months, I guess, all right?
Mmm.
( moaning )
- Oh! - I love you.
- Oh! - I'm gonna cum.
- Yeah? - I'm gonna cum.
I'm gonna cum. I'm gonna cum.
I'm coming! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, God!
( both panting )
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Oh, God, that felt so good.
Love you.
Do you?
I'm sorry.
I did, I'm--
I--
( sighs )
That was an accident.
OK?
You said you weren't going to do that.
I swear to God, it was an accident. It slipped out.
( breathing deeply )
You wanna watch "Frasier"?
Where's the remote control?
I just had one here before.
Baby, it was an accident. I'm sorry. Seriously.
- We'll try again later. - You pulled out.
( sighs, grunts )
( footsteps )
Rosie.
( laughs ) Don't look at me like that.
What are you doing?
I'm just checking out to see
if we're gonna make a documentary,
it should be about the whole kit-and-kaboodle, the whole evening.
You can turn that off now, because we're doing the conception thing
and we'll try it again later.
Is that what we're gonna do?
We're gonna do the conception thing?
- Later. - Oh, OK.
I'm gonna take a shower, actually.
- Erol, do you want kids? - Huh? ( sighs )
( Erol sighs )
Have you seen the Pert Plus?
It's not in the shower.
Hey, Rosie. Turn that off.
Watch TV.
Remote control.
These fuckin' things. You can't turn these thing on anymore without a remote control.
Ridiculous.
Erol, do you want kids?
I just wanna know where the remote control is.
Are you ready to have kids?
Ah... yeah.
OK, fine. You know what?
If you're ready to have kids,
then I'm just gonna take your own sperm
and stick it right in my fucking cunt.
I'm gonna stick your sperm right in here.
- Don't do that. - Oh, yeah. No, no, no.
You can't get pregnant that way anyway.
Do you know how you can get pregnant?
This is exactly how you can get pregnant.
You stick the sperm into your vagina.
- That's how it works. - That's very unhygienic.
We actually told our unborn Victoria.
- Don't do that. Stop doing that. - No. Hey. Gimme--
Stop doing it! Seriously. That's not, like, healthy.
Go, like, flush it out.
If you get pregnant that way, the baby's gonna be diseased.
Go flush it out... in the bathroom.
Just go do that. Flush it out. OK?
- Wash it out. - ( water running )
( sighs )
( water stops )
- Get away from me. - Go wash yourself.
Go wash yourself. OK?
You don't want kids at all.
( sighs )
I don't know what to tell you, babe.
I've already said it. I've already told you.
It was an accident. Drop it, OK?
I mean-- Please, look at me.
No.
What? You're-- OK?
You are a fucking coward.
What are you doing?
I'm leaving. I'm just leaving.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to be around you,
I don't even want to even look at you.
Rosie, will you please--
You're being ridiculous.
To your unborn baby: You need to know this about your mom.
- She's been very patient. - She's very histrionic
if she doesn't get what she wants when she wants it.
- Give me this. - What are you--
- You're packing? - I'm packing.
Are we on "Days of our Lives"?
- What is this, a soap opera? - Yeah. You know what?
- Is that what-- - You already said that you were ready!
- Hey, that hurts! - Two years ago! Two years!
You know what else hurts? Lies! Long-term lies!
Hey, unborn baby, this is what you got to look forward to, OK?
- Imagine this-- - This is marriage! This is as good as it fucking gets!
- You're in your bedroom-- - I know! I've been in other relationships,
and they're all fucking terrible!
This is pretty much normal. This is better than normal, actually.
That's your mom there. You're gonna come into this world,
- and that's what you have to deal with. - Long-term lies!
And I don't just want to leave him now;
I've wanted to leave him for so long.
I have so many backup plans.
I have a backup plan for the backup plan for the backup plan.
There's the guy at Starbucks
who's really nice and kind of flirts
every time I give him an extra 50 fucking cents
on his tips,
or my friend Mikhaila, I mean, she's a lesbian,
I could be a lesbian, I'm totally interested in being a lesbian,
that would be so much better than this,
and I would raise my frickin' babies on a farm, with goats!
That'd be kids, you know what I mean? Kids and kids.
Kids are goat babies. Sheep doesn't enter into it.
- You're gonna be crazy? - Crazy? I'm crazy? Yeah.
No, you ruined my chances of having kids
while I'm a fertile human being!
I'm not crazy. I feel sane, actually.
For the first time in our whole relationship, I feel sane.
I'm saying what I think, which is that you are the most manipulative bastard
on the history of the planet.
Actually, you might just be as manipulative
as every other human on the planet,
as every other male human,
because you're all so cruel.
Yeah.
Great.
Did you get it all out of your system?
You feeling better now?
I just really want to have a kid.
( sighs )
At the end of the day,
there are other rooms, right?
Other days.
I already waited though all the other days.
I'm gonna sing you a little tune as you leave.
That's great, take the Doritos. That's great.
( strumming )
What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?!
This is absurd! We'll do it again in a little while!
♪ Rosie, please don't exit, I love you, this isn't like Brexit ♪
♪ We're not gonna make a mistake this time ♪
♪ We're gonna get it right, that's why I'm rhyming ♪
♪ Listen to me, I'm gonna start climbing on top of you ♪
I'm getting on my knees. Seriously, I love you so much.
Please, no. You can't go.
Please. I'm begging you.
I'm ready. Seriously.
You cannot leave. Don't leave.
Get out of the way, Erol. Get out of the way.
Seriously. You're gonna come back.
- You're coming back. - No, I'm not coming back.
- Rosie. Rosie. - I don't-- This fucking thing.
Please don't leave. OK, I'm sorry.
Leave me alone. Just leave me alone.
I'm sorry. Listen, I'm sorry.
You're not sorry. You are not sorry.
Get out of the way.
I do love you, Erol, I really do.
I just... hate you.
So you don't love me, basically?
Is that what you're saying? Never did?
I just wish I never had.
( Erol sighs )
( door opens )
( door closes )
I forgot my phone. Can I have it, please?
- Thank you. - I'm not ready.
( crying ) I'm sorry, I'm not. I'm not ready.
OK? I want to be.
( sniffling ) I want to be.
And you're so excited,
and I know you want to have a baby,
and I look at you and I-- and I...
I want to be excited too, but I'm terrified,
and I just know, I just know...
I'm know I'm gonna be a bad father and I'm gonna lose you
and I'd rather--
I don't wanna--
I'm just not ready. I don't-- I don't know.
Besides that, I don't--
I'm sorry. OK?
( sighs )
( crying )
I just feel really alone.
I want to do this so much.
I don't wanna do it by myself.
Ohh.
Uhhh.
Erol, and I don't want to have just any kid in the world.
I really wanted to have your kid.
( sighs )
Rosie: Oh!
( both panting )
( both moaning )
Erol: Oh... oh... oh...
- ( rhythmic thudding ) - Erol: Oh, God. Oh, God.
( thudding speeds up )
Oh. Oh! Ohh...
( both panting )
( Rosie laughs )
♪ Ooh, baby ♪
♪ Yes, oh, baby ♪
♪ When we're out in the moonlight ♪
♪ Shoo-bop, shoo-bop ♪
♪ Looking up at the stars above ♪
♪ Shoo-bop, shoo-bop ♪
♪ Feels so good when I'm near you ♪
♪ Shoo-bop, shoo-bop ♪
♪ Holding hands and making love ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, baby ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Yes, oh, baby ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
♪ Butterfly ♪
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
OPERATOR: 911, what's your emergency?
(MALE VOICE EXCLAIMS)
JESS: (WHISPERING, PANTING) I'm scared.