1 00:00:11,026 --> 00:00:13,193 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:01:06,193 --> 00:01:07,485 ( zips purse ) 3 00:01:11,818 --> 00:01:13,234 OK, I'm back. 4 00:01:14,652 --> 00:01:16,360 I can tell you're not really working, bitch. 5 00:01:16,443 --> 00:01:18,151 I know about iMessage for the computer. 6 00:01:18,234 --> 00:01:21,777 That's how I failed to absorb the last month of my gov seminar. 7 00:01:21,860 --> 00:01:23,360 Was that what you were wearing? 8 00:01:23,443 --> 00:01:25,610 I just got out of my stats midterm. 9 00:01:25,693 --> 00:01:28,318 - Was that relevant? - I don't know, bitch. 10 00:01:28,401 --> 00:01:31,526 Was it relevant? This is the 500th time you've made me do this. 11 00:01:31,610 --> 00:01:34,151 Maybe that's the detail that finally makes sense to you. 12 00:01:34,234 --> 00:01:37,109 Oh, also, I broke my pencil lead in the exam, 13 00:01:37,193 --> 00:01:41,068 and I had to get get a refill, so I had to click it really loudly for like 30 seconds, 14 00:01:41,151 --> 00:01:43,568 and that stress might have damaged my psyche. 15 00:01:43,652 --> 00:01:45,735 Also, I had a chicken Caesar salad for dinner. 16 00:01:45,818 --> 00:01:47,984 I couldn't quite make out the expiration date on the dressing, 17 00:01:48,068 --> 00:01:50,652 so I may be battling the early stages of E. coli. 18 00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:52,276 Is that relevant? 19 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,777 I forgot what an asshole I was. 20 00:01:54,860 --> 00:01:58,193 I'm just trying to make sure that no stone is left unturned for the great wise elder. 21 00:01:58,276 --> 00:02:00,984 The sooner you get this done, the sooner you can get on with your life. 22 00:02:01,068 --> 00:02:02,485 I'm really shitting my pants 23 00:02:02,568 --> 00:02:04,735 in anticipation of getting here. 24 00:02:04,818 --> 00:02:06,860 Well, you should, because you're a writer now. 25 00:02:06,943 --> 00:02:09,943 A playwright. There. I'll tell you that much. 26 00:02:10,026 --> 00:02:12,943 Sick! Does that mean I don't have to go to law school? 27 00:02:13,026 --> 00:02:15,485 Well, you might, if you don't crack this story 28 00:02:15,568 --> 00:02:18,443 and your agent drops you and you get blacklisted from the entire industry, 29 00:02:18,526 --> 00:02:21,276 which is why I actually need you to work with me right now. 30 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:22,401 OK? 31 00:02:23,568 --> 00:02:25,610 I'm sorry, um... 32 00:02:25,693 --> 00:02:27,818 I'm just trying to figure this out, 33 00:02:27,902 --> 00:02:29,360 and I'm missing something. 34 00:02:30,735 --> 00:02:33,026 OK, well, for the record, 35 00:02:33,109 --> 00:02:34,902 this is what I was wearing that day. 36 00:02:34,984 --> 00:02:37,234 This is what I would call the "dress for success" model. 37 00:02:37,318 --> 00:02:39,485 I read this article before I took the SATs, 38 00:02:39,568 --> 00:02:42,401 and it said that if you dress professionally before an exam, 39 00:02:42,485 --> 00:02:45,318 you'll subliminally make yourself more confident and do better. 40 00:02:45,401 --> 00:02:47,902 I've been doing it ever since. I got a 2370, as you know, 41 00:02:47,984 --> 00:02:51,026 and I'm pretty sure I just knocked my stats midterm out of the park. 42 00:02:51,109 --> 00:02:54,193 Anyway, that's what I was wearing. Not that it matters. 43 00:02:54,276 --> 00:02:56,234 It matters to me. 44 00:02:58,818 --> 00:03:02,193 Can you please just go through it one more time? 45 00:03:02,276 --> 00:03:04,735 Please? For me? 46 00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,777 Just guide me through each step of the night. 47 00:03:07,860 --> 00:03:09,777 Fine. 48 00:03:09,860 --> 00:03:11,777 OK, get up. 49 00:03:11,860 --> 00:03:13,777 Just take me through it from the beginning 50 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:15,193 like I've never heard it before. 51 00:03:15,276 --> 00:03:17,068 You sound like a dirty cop. 52 00:03:17,151 --> 00:03:19,151 - You ready? - Yeah. 53 00:03:19,234 --> 00:03:22,068 - OK. - Let's go. 54 00:03:29,026 --> 00:03:31,777 This is about to be the perfect Friday night. 55 00:03:31,860 --> 00:03:33,818 Everybody just finished their first midterms, 56 00:03:33,902 --> 00:03:35,777 so they're either super-stoked on themselves 57 00:03:35,860 --> 00:03:38,860 for being the brilliant little prodigies they were always told they were, 58 00:03:38,943 --> 00:03:41,652 or they're morbidly depressed and they need to drink their pain away. 59 00:03:41,735 --> 00:03:43,568 Everyone spent the last two weeks in the library, 60 00:03:43,652 --> 00:03:46,443 so they're gonna have all this repressed energy they need to release, 61 00:03:46,526 --> 00:03:49,360 and that can only be done by getting into a cramped space 62 00:03:49,443 --> 00:03:51,109 and touching each other. 63 00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:57,151 Oh no! Did I not tell you that the "dress for success" model can be modified 64 00:03:57,234 --> 00:03:59,276 to fit a variety of applications? 65 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,360 You are not nearly as charming as you think you are. 66 00:04:02,443 --> 00:04:05,860 And do you know that every time you interrupt me it slows down the process? 67 00:04:05,943 --> 00:04:07,860 - ( door opens ) - Oh. Emily's coming. 68 00:04:07,943 --> 00:04:09,984 ( R&B music playing ) 69 00:04:13,902 --> 00:04:16,026 I'm not going out tonight. 70 00:04:16,109 --> 00:04:19,193 - Then why are you dressed like that? - It's comfortable. 71 00:04:19,276 --> 00:04:22,360 You're wearing a strapless bra. Comfortable strapless bras don't exist. 72 00:04:22,443 --> 00:04:23,485 You're coming out with me. 73 00:04:23,568 --> 00:04:24,984 - Hold, please. - ( whoosh ) 74 00:04:25,068 --> 00:04:26,276 Sorry, I just quickly want to address 75 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,276 a misconception about smart girls. 76 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:30,526 I think people think their precious daughters 77 00:04:30,610 --> 00:04:34,109 recoil at the scent of alcohol, or if they come home drunk 78 00:04:34,193 --> 00:04:36,401 it's because someone poured liquor down their throat. 79 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:38,443 But in reality, no other group of people 80 00:04:38,526 --> 00:04:42,526 can get a girl drunk faster and with more efficacy than other girls. 81 00:04:42,610 --> 00:04:43,610 ( whoosh ) 82 00:04:43,693 --> 00:04:45,318 Can we please just do shots? 83 00:04:45,401 --> 00:04:46,943 I'm really close to hitting my calorie limit. 84 00:04:47,026 --> 00:04:48,526 I'll set you up. 85 00:04:50,234 --> 00:04:51,318 What do you want? 86 00:04:51,401 --> 00:04:53,818 I'll just have some OJ. 87 00:04:53,902 --> 00:04:57,276 - Getting soft in your old age? - OK. Just surprise me. 88 00:04:57,360 --> 00:05:00,777 Some girls like vodka and cranberry juice, 89 00:05:00,860 --> 00:05:02,610 and some girls like rum and orange juice, 90 00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:05,568 but by far the most popular pregame mixer 91 00:05:05,652 --> 00:05:10,109 has gotta be the crippling dietary restrictions and body image issues 92 00:05:10,193 --> 00:05:12,526 that we are unable to shed until we're wasted 93 00:05:12,610 --> 00:05:16,318 and we order and consume an entire cheese pizza in 15 minutes. 94 00:05:16,401 --> 00:05:17,943 Cheers. 95 00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,735 Thank you. 96 00:05:19,818 --> 00:05:22,443 So you're not gonna hook up with Derek tonight. 97 00:05:22,526 --> 00:05:24,902 Oh, my god. Why would you even ask that? 98 00:05:24,984 --> 00:05:27,109 - It's not a question. - Of course not. 99 00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:29,652 - I'm so done. - That's what you said last week. 100 00:05:29,735 --> 00:05:34,485 His name is Derek. That's like the Kmart version of Eric. 101 00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:37,818 - ( glasses clink ) - You are so mean. 102 00:05:37,902 --> 00:05:40,818 So is he! You can't be mean and ugly. 103 00:05:40,902 --> 00:05:44,984 You know what? I heard that Sean-in-Beta thinks you're hot. 104 00:05:45,068 --> 00:05:46,943 I thought Beta-Sean was gay. 105 00:05:47,026 --> 00:05:49,318 Do you think that because he showers every day? 106 00:05:49,401 --> 00:05:53,652 Just focus on Beta-Sean, and I assure you, you will forget all about Derek. 107 00:05:53,735 --> 00:05:56,151 Emily: Fine! Fine. 108 00:05:56,234 --> 00:05:59,902 We're gonna go and see what it's like, 109 00:05:59,984 --> 00:06:01,777 and if it's fun, it's fun, 110 00:06:01,860 --> 00:06:03,860 and if it's not fun, we'll leave. 111 00:06:03,943 --> 00:06:06,860 Totally. But finish your drink. 112 00:06:10,401 --> 00:06:13,568 Got enough info for your little play? 113 00:06:19,401 --> 00:06:21,234 ( rock music booming ) 114 00:06:24,276 --> 00:06:26,526 Jesus Christ. 115 00:06:26,610 --> 00:06:28,068 - Sorry. - ( whoosh ) 116 00:06:29,276 --> 00:06:31,193 So, I know what you're thinking. 117 00:06:31,276 --> 00:06:35,401 Why am I standing here freezing my ass off outside a fuckin' frat 118 00:06:35,485 --> 00:06:37,610 waiting for some idiots to deign to let me in 119 00:06:37,693 --> 00:06:41,860 so I can join in on the unmitigated swamp of booze and testosterone? 120 00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:45,401 Why am I, a modern woman, a card-carrying feminist, 121 00:06:45,485 --> 00:06:48,151 subjecting myself to this war zone? 122 00:06:48,234 --> 00:06:50,109 Don't I know it's kind of hypocritical 123 00:06:50,193 --> 00:06:51,818 to voluntarily subject myself 124 00:06:51,902 --> 00:06:53,902 to the moral, physical, 125 00:06:53,984 --> 00:06:56,902 and psychological degradation that comes with that? 126 00:06:58,943 --> 00:07:00,151 Maybe. 127 00:07:00,234 --> 00:07:01,860 But I do it anyway. 128 00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:04,818 Why, you ask? Have I completely lost my mind? 129 00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:07,610 ( whoosh ) 130 00:07:07,693 --> 00:07:09,234 Because I want to. 131 00:07:09,318 --> 00:07:12,234 ( door opens, music blaring ) 132 00:07:12,318 --> 00:07:14,151 - ( loud party chatter ) - Josie: Yes! 133 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:17,068 Nobody here knows that I am a gender studies minor. 134 00:07:17,151 --> 00:07:19,610 I spend all day being critical and discerning 135 00:07:19,693 --> 00:07:21,401 and posting liberal Facebook rants, 136 00:07:21,485 --> 00:07:24,401 but no one's dragging me here, ya know? 137 00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:26,860 I come here of my own volition, 138 00:07:26,943 --> 00:07:29,860 to let loose and dance badly and kiss boys. 139 00:07:29,943 --> 00:07:33,276 It can be nice to forget who you're supposed to be. 140 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:34,984 Thank you, Santa. 141 00:07:35,068 --> 00:07:38,652 One of the frats puts blood thinners in there to get you drunk faster. 142 00:07:38,735 --> 00:07:44,234 Sorry, one of the frats allegedly puts blood thinners in it to get you drunk faster. 143 00:07:44,318 --> 00:07:49,443 One of the frats allegedly has their pledges pee in it before serving. 144 00:07:49,526 --> 00:07:51,485 Oh, my god, unclench. OK? 145 00:07:51,568 --> 00:07:54,318 And that's not this. This is just bad. 146 00:07:54,401 --> 00:07:55,943 Besides, this is my third year here, 147 00:07:56,026 --> 00:07:58,234 I know how to keep my shit together, right? 148 00:07:58,318 --> 00:07:59,984 Unlike Becky here. 149 00:08:01,777 --> 00:08:03,943 You're in my socy class! 150 00:08:04,026 --> 00:08:06,818 ( slurring words ) You have such pretty hair. 151 00:08:06,902 --> 00:08:09,360 Hey, where are your friends? 152 00:08:09,443 --> 00:08:12,109 I don't know, but can you be my friend, maybe? 153 00:08:12,193 --> 00:08:14,109 I thought I already was your friend. 154 00:08:14,193 --> 00:08:16,068 Oh, my god! 155 00:08:16,151 --> 00:08:17,984 Josie: Are you hungry? 156 00:08:18,068 --> 00:08:20,485 - Can we get a pizza? - Let's definitely do that. 157 00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:23,026 - Can you help me out here? - Girl: Of course. Where do you live? 158 00:08:23,109 --> 00:08:24,984 Bradford? Oh, my god, 159 00:08:25,068 --> 00:08:29,234 it's so shitty. My roommate is such a fake. 160 00:08:29,318 --> 00:08:30,860 Girl: Let's go. 161 00:08:33,401 --> 00:08:36,485 Oh, my god, like, I'm not judging, but-- 162 00:08:36,568 --> 00:08:38,318 OK, I'm judging a little bit. 163 00:08:38,401 --> 00:08:41,109 I'm just saying that this is not my first rodeo. 164 00:08:42,401 --> 00:08:43,652 Hey, Josie. 165 00:08:43,735 --> 00:08:45,693 Hey, fancy meeting you guys here. 166 00:08:45,777 --> 00:08:47,109 You missed a great time last night. 167 00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:48,318 Oh, yeah, well, 168 00:08:48,401 --> 00:08:50,109 I did, actually, like, have to study. 169 00:08:50,193 --> 00:08:52,568 That's kind of the thing about graduating in four years, 170 00:08:52,652 --> 00:08:53,652 you have to do that. 171 00:08:53,735 --> 00:08:55,068 Can't relate. 172 00:08:55,151 --> 00:08:56,401 Wanna play pong? 173 00:08:56,485 --> 00:08:57,902 Obviously. 174 00:09:00,735 --> 00:09:01,984 ( guys whooping ) 175 00:09:02,068 --> 00:09:03,984 So there actually is something you can help me with. 176 00:09:04,068 --> 00:09:06,943 And you're old, so you might see something that I don't. 177 00:09:07,026 --> 00:09:08,568 - Here's my dilemma. - ( whoosh ) 178 00:09:08,652 --> 00:09:12,068 Over here, that's Donovan, he is very stupid, 179 00:09:12,151 --> 00:09:15,777 but he kinda has this douchey-hot thing going for him, 180 00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:19,568 like a douchebag was surgically implanted into a ten-foot-tall child. 181 00:09:19,652 --> 00:09:21,693 But his dad is super-loaded, 182 00:09:21,777 --> 00:09:23,360 so he could kinda come in handy 183 00:09:23,443 --> 00:09:25,443 for a non-disgusting sugar daddy 184 00:09:25,526 --> 00:09:27,234 to support me while I'm becoming a writer. 185 00:09:27,318 --> 00:09:28,360 ( whoosh ) 186 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:30,735 So he's a great option, ya know? 187 00:09:30,818 --> 00:09:33,526 And then over here we have Jon. 188 00:09:33,610 --> 00:09:35,026 ( whoosh ) 189 00:09:35,109 --> 00:09:37,109 Jon will probably make zero dollars outta graduation 190 00:09:37,193 --> 00:09:38,777 working for Greenpeace or some shit, 191 00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:40,860 but he has this kind of self-flagellating brand 192 00:09:40,943 --> 00:09:42,984 of questionably authentic male feminism 193 00:09:43,068 --> 00:09:45,318 which indicates to me that he definitely eats pussy, 194 00:09:45,401 --> 00:09:48,318 which is like finding a diamond in a pile of horseshit. 195 00:09:48,401 --> 00:09:51,234 It's just a really rare commodity in this economy. 196 00:09:51,318 --> 00:09:53,610 So, ya know, they're both great options. 197 00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:55,652 You see my dilemma. What should I do? 198 00:09:55,735 --> 00:09:58,860 Uh, uh, well, I think, um-- 199 00:09:58,943 --> 00:10:01,735 - Sorry I shouldn't have asked. You're completely useless. - ( whoosh ) 200 00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:05,610 I'm just gonna go home with one of them, so I guess place your bets? 201 00:10:05,693 --> 00:10:07,151 - Hey! - Ahh! ( giggles ) 202 00:10:08,193 --> 00:10:09,568 Right this way, my lady. 203 00:10:09,652 --> 00:10:11,818 Donovan rushes ahead right out the gate. 204 00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:15,485 Jon is the dark horse. Will he give up entirely? 205 00:10:15,568 --> 00:10:18,318 Will he sulk and pick up an unsuspecting freshman 206 00:10:18,401 --> 00:10:21,318 with a sob story about how, as a sensitive frat boy, 207 00:10:21,401 --> 00:10:23,902 he's really disgusted with the behavior of his peers? 208 00:10:23,984 --> 00:10:25,610 Only time will tell. 209 00:10:27,318 --> 00:10:29,193 That kid is gay as fuck. 210 00:10:29,276 --> 00:10:31,818 Oh, no. Are we still using that as an insult? 211 00:10:31,943 --> 00:10:34,735 Don't you guys have a rainbow flag in your window? 212 00:10:34,818 --> 00:10:38,151 Yeah, I mean, I support his right to be gay as fuck 100%. 213 00:10:38,234 --> 00:10:42,109 Oh, god. He's managed to disappoint me before he even pulled out his dick. 214 00:10:42,193 --> 00:10:45,610 ( rock music blaring ) 215 00:10:45,693 --> 00:10:47,693 ( all exclaim ) 216 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:56,360 ( time fast-forwarding ) 217 00:11:07,818 --> 00:11:09,526 Oh! 218 00:11:11,485 --> 00:11:12,526 - Oh-- - ( whoosh ) 219 00:11:12,610 --> 00:11:14,735 I know whose Animal House poster 220 00:11:14,818 --> 00:11:17,443 I'm getting fingered under tonight. 221 00:11:17,526 --> 00:11:19,109 ( whoosh ) 222 00:11:19,193 --> 00:11:22,318 ( music, chatter continue ) 223 00:11:22,401 --> 00:11:24,652 Wait. I actually have to worry more about appearances, 224 00:11:24,735 --> 00:11:27,984 because it doesn't take much to get you labeled as a slut around here. 225 00:11:28,068 --> 00:11:30,360 Qualifiers include but are not limited to 226 00:11:30,443 --> 00:11:33,735 showing an interest in sex before midnight. Hmm. 227 00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:36,818 Do you ever think about just leaving? You're wasted. 228 00:11:36,902 --> 00:11:40,984 No. To leave would be to admit to everyone that I'm-- what is the word?-- 229 00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,610 mature. 230 00:11:45,777 --> 00:11:47,777 - Wait. - Oh, my god, what? 231 00:11:47,860 --> 00:11:50,026 - Is that a karaoke machine? - Yeah, 232 00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:52,360 I think the theme was supposed to be eighties. 233 00:11:52,443 --> 00:11:54,276 Nobody here is dressed in a theme. 234 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,360 I guess if there was a theme, you could call it 235 00:11:56,443 --> 00:11:59,777 "Battle of the girls who are skinny enough to wear crop-tops 236 00:11:59,860 --> 00:12:02,818 versus the girls who can't, and are salty about it." 237 00:12:02,902 --> 00:12:04,902 You could totally wear a crop-top. 238 00:12:04,984 --> 00:12:07,568 No, I couldn't, and I don't want to anyway. 239 00:12:07,652 --> 00:12:09,193 Yeah, you could. 240 00:12:09,276 --> 00:12:12,109 You could wear a high-waisted legging with a control top 241 00:12:12,193 --> 00:12:14,109 and then just show a sliver of your belly. 242 00:12:14,193 --> 00:12:16,902 If you can drink six beers and still suck in your stomach, 243 00:12:16,984 --> 00:12:18,193 like, go for it. 244 00:12:18,276 --> 00:12:19,360 This is the time to do it. 245 00:12:19,443 --> 00:12:21,109 Hell, yeah! Go topless, even! 246 00:12:21,193 --> 00:12:22,693 - Free the nipple. - Tits out! 247 00:12:22,777 --> 00:12:24,860 - It's called empowerment. - Yeah, man. 248 00:12:24,943 --> 00:12:27,109 I'll show you empowerment. 249 00:12:27,193 --> 00:12:28,526 Josie: Sorry. 250 00:12:28,610 --> 00:12:30,193 ( mic feeds back ) 251 00:12:30,276 --> 00:12:34,151 ♪ You are the fuel, I'm the light ♪ 252 00:12:34,234 --> 00:12:37,735 ♪ You light a match and I watch it ignite ♪ 253 00:12:37,818 --> 00:12:41,860 ♪ We gonna fly-- ♪ You know the lyrics, shit! 254 00:12:41,943 --> 00:12:45,318 ♪ We gonna fly till we h-hit the ground ♪ 255 00:12:45,401 --> 00:12:47,984 ♪ Can you feel it, in the night ♪ 256 00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:52,568 ♪ Like the floor's on fire, like the floor's on fire ♪ 257 00:12:52,652 --> 00:12:54,068 ♪ Can you feel it ♪ 258 00:12:54,151 --> 00:12:55,735 ♪ Hotter than the sun ♪ 259 00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:57,902 ♪ Like the floor's on fire ♪ 260 00:12:57,984 --> 00:13:00,068 ♪ Like the floor's on fire ♪ 261 00:13:00,151 --> 00:13:01,735 ( music continues ) 262 00:13:01,818 --> 00:13:03,818 Dance break! 263 00:13:06,318 --> 00:13:08,151 ( music continues ) 264 00:13:12,318 --> 00:13:15,652 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 265 00:13:15,735 --> 00:13:19,193 ♪ When you fly ♪ 266 00:13:20,485 --> 00:13:22,401 ♪ Oh yeah ♪ 267 00:13:22,485 --> 00:13:23,652 ( Josie wails ) 268 00:13:23,735 --> 00:13:25,443 Do you feel it, feel it? 269 00:13:25,526 --> 00:13:28,443 ( laughing ) Can you feel it? 270 00:13:28,526 --> 00:13:30,860 Can you feel it?! 271 00:13:32,318 --> 00:13:34,526 Can you feel it? Whoo! 272 00:13:34,610 --> 00:13:37,026 ( crowd clapping, cheering ) 273 00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:43,526 Did you see when I died and then I came back to life? 274 00:13:45,818 --> 00:13:48,568 Are you kidding me? What is wrong with this guy? 275 00:13:48,652 --> 00:13:50,777 His attention span is so freaking short. 276 00:13:50,860 --> 00:13:52,860 Maybe he does need all that Adderall. 277 00:13:58,151 --> 00:14:00,735 ( chatter ) 278 00:14:02,902 --> 00:14:05,818 - Jon: Yo. - Josie: Oh, hey. 279 00:14:05,902 --> 00:14:07,902 Thought I lost you to Donovan back there. 280 00:14:07,984 --> 00:14:10,984 Oh. No, I just-- I did a lap. 281 00:14:11,068 --> 00:14:14,902 God... I'm pretty wasted. 282 00:14:14,984 --> 00:14:16,902 Doubtful. That's just an excuse 283 00:14:16,984 --> 00:14:19,984 for whatever insane shit he's about to say. 284 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,818 Um, yeah, so am I. 285 00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:25,068 Well, do you... wanna sober up a little? 286 00:14:25,151 --> 00:14:26,777 Uh, yeah? 287 00:14:29,234 --> 00:14:31,234 - ( whoosh ) - I actually do. 288 00:14:31,318 --> 00:14:33,234 I feel like there's always a point in the night 289 00:14:33,318 --> 00:14:35,693 where you get kinda tired of being hammered. 290 00:14:35,777 --> 00:14:37,860 Like this one time, I was so stoned 291 00:14:37,943 --> 00:14:41,151 and I Googled "How to be less high," 292 00:14:41,234 --> 00:14:46,360 and then I was so high, I couldn't read the Google result. 293 00:14:46,443 --> 00:14:50,485 But, yeah, I wish I could get sober quickly 294 00:14:50,568 --> 00:14:54,443 when I'm tired of saying stupid shit and the room is spinning. 295 00:14:55,777 --> 00:14:57,193 Oh. ( laughs ) 296 00:14:57,276 --> 00:14:59,610 This is some really good shit. 297 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,318 I know what I'm doing. 298 00:15:04,943 --> 00:15:06,652 ( door opens ) 299 00:15:10,984 --> 00:15:13,318 And you thought romance was dead. 300 00:15:15,652 --> 00:15:18,693 Wouldn't it be, like, even more badass 301 00:15:18,777 --> 00:15:21,318 if we just did it straight off the toilet seat? 302 00:15:21,401 --> 00:15:23,276 We're already destroying our bodies, 303 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,568 we may as well snort up some invisible poop particles. 304 00:15:26,652 --> 00:15:29,109 It's like adding insult to injury. 305 00:15:34,818 --> 00:15:36,318 ( sniffing ) 306 00:15:39,526 --> 00:15:41,902 Jon: Didn't I tell ya that was some good stuff? 307 00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:45,276 Yeah, that's great. I bet they call you El Chapo. 308 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:48,151 Oh, my god, that's crazy! How did you know? 309 00:15:48,234 --> 00:15:49,818 ( both laugh ) 310 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:52,151 ( sniffing ) 311 00:15:54,526 --> 00:15:56,109 Let's get outta here. 312 00:16:03,151 --> 00:16:07,151 It's so cool to meet a girl who does coke. 313 00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:10,943 I don't do coke. I party, I drink, 314 00:16:11,026 --> 00:16:14,777 I occasionally abuse a stimulant 315 00:16:14,860 --> 00:16:17,443 that was not prescribed to me by a medical professional, 316 00:16:17,526 --> 00:16:18,818 but I don't do coke. 317 00:16:18,902 --> 00:16:20,610 ( laughs ) OK. 318 00:16:20,693 --> 00:16:22,485 I am cool, though. 319 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,234 ( both panting ) 320 00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:44,151 ( Jon whispers ) 321 00:16:56,443 --> 00:16:57,860 ( both panting ) 322 00:16:57,943 --> 00:17:00,026 Jon: Oh, shit. 323 00:17:06,401 --> 00:17:08,485 You on the pill? 324 00:17:08,568 --> 00:17:10,151 Uh-huh. 325 00:17:10,234 --> 00:17:11,401 Hold, please. 326 00:17:13,193 --> 00:17:14,860 Isn't he dreamy? 327 00:17:14,943 --> 00:17:16,693 I would say that that is the height of romance, 328 00:17:16,777 --> 00:17:21,860 but I have a friend who once had a guy buy Plan B for her. 329 00:17:21,943 --> 00:17:23,818 So that kinda set the bar. 330 00:17:23,902 --> 00:17:25,568 Ow. Ahh. 331 00:17:27,735 --> 00:17:30,610 ( both panting ) 332 00:17:32,526 --> 00:17:35,026 Ahh. Um... 333 00:17:35,109 --> 00:17:36,526 ( laughs ) 334 00:17:36,610 --> 00:17:38,276 Ow. 335 00:17:46,943 --> 00:17:48,652 Ow! 336 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,735 Dude, what the fuck! Jesus! 337 00:17:52,610 --> 00:17:54,902 Can we make out for two seconds? 338 00:17:54,984 --> 00:17:55,984 Yeah. 339 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:02,360 You're so beautiful. 340 00:18:02,443 --> 00:18:05,943 I've had a thing for you for so long. 341 00:18:08,943 --> 00:18:11,943 Wait. Wait. 342 00:18:16,485 --> 00:18:19,318 ( groans ) Wait. 343 00:18:19,401 --> 00:18:20,984 Relax. 344 00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:23,068 Is this your first time or something? 345 00:18:23,151 --> 00:18:24,443 No-- 346 00:18:27,610 --> 00:18:28,984 Wait-- 347 00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:32,276 ( sighs ) 348 00:18:44,151 --> 00:18:48,151 ( panting ) 349 00:18:48,234 --> 00:18:50,109 Wait. 350 00:18:51,318 --> 00:18:52,735 ( grunts ) 351 00:19:10,526 --> 00:19:12,318 ( panting ) 352 00:19:27,860 --> 00:19:31,526 Oh, that was-- that was fuckin' great. 353 00:19:39,902 --> 00:19:44,068 Jon (chuckling ): Where you going? Wanna stay the night? 354 00:19:44,151 --> 00:19:47,902 Um, I'm-- I got work tomorrow, so.. 355 00:19:47,984 --> 00:19:49,735 All right. 356 00:19:52,735 --> 00:19:57,360 Actually, I'm not sure. I'm just gonna get a glass of water. 357 00:19:57,443 --> 00:19:58,902 Hurry back. 358 00:20:12,693 --> 00:20:14,735 ( urinating ) 359 00:20:28,193 --> 00:20:29,401 ( grunts ) 360 00:20:39,860 --> 00:20:41,652 ( toilet flushing ) 361 00:21:13,401 --> 00:21:15,526 ( door closes ) 362 00:21:15,610 --> 00:21:16,860 You get what you needed? 363 00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:18,568 Um, I- I don't-- 364 00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:21,526 - ( laughs ) Fuck! - I'm sorry. I just-- 365 00:21:21,610 --> 00:21:24,068 Why do you keep making me redo this night? 366 00:21:24,151 --> 00:21:26,777 I party all the time, you have a lot to choose from. 367 00:21:26,860 --> 00:21:28,902 I know, I'm sorry. 368 00:21:28,984 --> 00:21:30,735 And what are you even writing about? 369 00:21:30,818 --> 00:21:32,360 Binge drinking? Drugs? 370 00:21:32,443 --> 00:21:34,068 I'm clearly not the poster child 371 00:21:34,151 --> 00:21:36,568 for the next parental sob story. 372 00:21:36,652 --> 00:21:39,401 Clearly I turn out fine, or at least OK. 373 00:21:39,485 --> 00:21:41,777 Can you just listen for a second? Please? 374 00:21:41,860 --> 00:21:44,652 First of all, I'm not that old. 375 00:21:44,735 --> 00:21:47,318 But I do have enough distance from where you are 376 00:21:47,401 --> 00:21:50,860 to know that... 377 00:21:50,943 --> 00:21:53,860 most of the specifics about college 378 00:21:53,943 --> 00:21:55,610 have faded away by now. 379 00:21:55,693 --> 00:21:58,109 You are worried about so many things 380 00:21:58,193 --> 00:21:59,777 that do not matter anymore. 381 00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:03,735 You're worried about your GPA, finding a date to formal, 382 00:22:03,818 --> 00:22:05,526 you think your arms are too fat. 383 00:22:05,610 --> 00:22:07,943 Are you saying my arms aren't fat? 384 00:22:08,026 --> 00:22:12,485 I'm saying it could be worse, and you waste too much time thinking about it. 385 00:22:12,568 --> 00:22:15,026 This stage of our life is such a blur to me, 386 00:22:15,109 --> 00:22:18,193 and I only remember a few things really, really vividly. 387 00:22:18,276 --> 00:22:21,401 And this night is one of those things. 388 00:22:24,818 --> 00:22:27,234 What is your play about? 389 00:22:28,568 --> 00:22:30,610 It's about rape. 390 00:22:32,068 --> 00:22:34,818 Then you need to find another topic, 391 00:22:34,902 --> 00:22:36,860 because that is not what happened. 392 00:22:36,943 --> 00:22:39,151 News flash: Frat guys are bad at sex. 393 00:22:39,234 --> 00:22:41,860 Maybe it wasn't the most consensual thing, I-- 394 00:22:41,943 --> 00:22:43,485 There it is. That's it. 395 00:22:43,568 --> 00:22:45,526 If you can hear one thing that I say, 396 00:22:45,610 --> 00:22:47,777 please let it be that there is no such thing 397 00:22:47,860 --> 00:22:49,485 as nonconsensual sex. 398 00:22:49,568 --> 00:22:51,818 There is just consensual sex, and there is rape. 399 00:22:51,902 --> 00:22:53,652 Those are the only options. 400 00:22:53,735 --> 00:22:57,401 If it's that simple, then why am I still here? 401 00:22:58,984 --> 00:23:00,652 I kissed him first. 402 00:23:00,735 --> 00:23:03,443 You've seen it a million times. I kissed him first. 403 00:23:03,526 --> 00:23:07,818 - I know. - There's no way that-- 404 00:23:07,902 --> 00:23:10,026 Ooohhh! Like, aughhh! 405 00:23:10,109 --> 00:23:12,026 I was drunk, I kissed him first, 406 00:23:12,109 --> 00:23:13,984 there's nothing that I can do with that. 407 00:23:14,068 --> 00:23:16,318 I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't do, 408 00:23:16,401 --> 00:23:20,360 I just want you to know that it's OK to feel bad about what happened. 409 00:23:20,443 --> 00:23:22,193 I'm fine. 410 00:23:22,276 --> 00:23:23,860 OK. 411 00:23:23,943 --> 00:23:26,526 You're the one who's still hung up on it. 412 00:23:26,610 --> 00:23:28,193 I know. 413 00:23:28,276 --> 00:23:30,693 I just-- I need to forget. 414 00:23:30,777 --> 00:23:34,318 I wish that a butterfly would clap its wings 415 00:23:34,401 --> 00:23:36,026 somewhere between you and I 416 00:23:36,109 --> 00:23:37,984 and then I would forget about it 417 00:23:38,068 --> 00:23:39,943 before I got to your age. 418 00:23:40,026 --> 00:23:41,818 You don't forget. 419 00:23:46,984 --> 00:23:49,068 Can I go? 420 00:23:49,151 --> 00:23:51,234 ( sniffles ) Uh, yeah. Yeah. 421 00:23:51,318 --> 00:23:53,068 You should get some sleep. 422 00:23:53,151 --> 00:23:55,610 Your friends are gonna randomly decide to go on a hike tomorrow, 423 00:23:55,693 --> 00:24:00,068 and it's gonna be really fun, so you should make sure you're awake on time for that. 424 00:24:00,151 --> 00:24:01,860 OK. 425 00:24:04,652 --> 00:24:06,360 Just really quickly. 426 00:24:06,443 --> 00:24:09,026 I just want to know, what do I end up doing? 427 00:24:09,109 --> 00:24:12,109 Um, you're a writer. You know that. 428 00:24:12,193 --> 00:24:14,735 No, I mean about this. 429 00:24:14,818 --> 00:24:17,860 Well, I can't really tell you what to do. 430 00:24:17,943 --> 00:24:21,401 You'll get here eventually, but the choices have to be yours. 431 00:24:21,485 --> 00:24:26,026 I should have known you would say something stupid and fake-deep like that. 432 00:24:29,610 --> 00:24:32,443 Does it get any easier? 433 00:24:32,526 --> 00:24:33,984 What? 434 00:24:35,485 --> 00:24:39,193 I don't know, like, um... adulthood? 435 00:24:40,860 --> 00:24:43,860 No. Just gets different. 436 00:24:46,026 --> 00:24:47,652 OK. 437 00:24:47,735 --> 00:24:50,401 I'll let you finish your play now. 438 00:24:50,485 --> 00:24:53,943 Sucks that I don't ever get any better at deadlines. 439 00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:55,818 ( sniffles ) 440 00:24:57,193 --> 00:24:59,193 Hey, do I get an "A" in stats? 441 00:24:59,276 --> 00:25:02,360 Oh, my god, get the fuck outta here. 442 00:25:04,610 --> 00:25:06,526 ( door closes ) 443 00:25:25,735 --> 00:25:27,735 ( music playing )