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Hello, I'm Frank Skinner,
and welcome to Room 101.

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Now, dumping their dislikes into
the dreaded vault tonight are

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Gogglebox Scarlett Moffatt,

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Brainbox Charlie Brooker,

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and Police Box, Pearl Mackie.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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OK, shall we kick off?

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So what's upsetting Charlie Brooker?

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Ah, yeah. This is
Anything I Don't Want To Do.

10
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Now, I recognise this is quite
a broad one.

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Mm. And it's a category
that I find has expanded

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the older I get, basically.
There's a rule,

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there's a basic rule of thumb that
I think is called Sturgeon's law,

14
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usually applies to film and TV
and literature,

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that 90% of everything is rubbish,
and isn't worth bothering with.

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Most places aren't worth going to,

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most conversations
aren't worth having,

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most things aren't worth eating,

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most items and objects in the
world aren't worth looking at,

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or contemplating.

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I don't want to go to a forest,
or a picnic, or watch your play,

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or read a book,
because it's not worth doing.

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And it really comes into focus
at weekends,

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and you can't just, apparently,
sit around in the house

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just staring at a phone all the
time, because that's sort of bad.

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And the kids know this, as well,
because they've discovered iPads

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and phones, and everyone
would rather be looking at those

28
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all the time, obviously.

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But because, out of a sense of duty
and guilt,

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you end up going to a playground, or
on a picnic, or to a bloody museum,

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and most things aren't worth
bothering with.

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OK.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Well, thanks for coming.

35
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I would say that, often,

36
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there are things you think
you aren't going to enjoy,

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and then when you do do them,

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you actually find out they're much
more pleasurable than you thought.

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And I have to say, I've used
that line a few times.

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What about the theory
of deferred gratification,

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it's that you do something you
don't want to do now

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because you'll get the
reward at some point in the future?

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I'll give you an example. When I
take, if I'm wearing a jumper...

44
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Right... ..when I take it off,

45
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I always pull the sleeves out
the right way again, and I think,

46
00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:04,320
"When I come back to this jumper...

47
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:06,680
"..set to go."

48
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That's bleak. That is the bleakest
thing I've ever heard.

49
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Coming from Charlie Brooker, I take
that as an enormous compliment.

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Is that...

51
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That's a thing?

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That's the first place you go
to when I talk about pleasure,

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is you think about the thing you do
with the arms of your jumper?

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I'm talking about thinking ahead
to make my life sweeter

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at a later date.

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Jumper preparation.

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I feel like you need a hug.

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Like a proper hug. No!

59
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But if you're only enjoying 98...

60
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Well, sorry, 2% of your life...

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It's not that... It's not that
I'm not enjoying.

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It's just that the rest of it
probably isn't worth bothering with.

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It would have made no difference to
my quality of life if 98% of things

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hadn't happened.

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How do you decide on the 2%, though?

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Er, there's probably...

67
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There's probably a couple of
desserts I've had I've liked.

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Probably the birth of my children.

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OK, that's a good one
to put in there, yeah, yeah.

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I'd probably put that somewhere
in there.

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I tell you what I would... I agree
with you that I don't think

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we should do things because other
people think we should do them.

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I'd agree with that.

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I mean, take this picture
of a lovely beach holiday.

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LAUGHTER

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God, I respect that Goth.
I love that.

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That's brilliant. She's just like,
"No, no, I don't do bikinis.

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"I'm not having it."
Can you imagine it?

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And the money she's saved on
suntan lotion, fantastic.

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What about this painter
and decorator who didn't want

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to move some boxes?

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LAUGHTER

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You see what your attitude
does to the world, Charlie?

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That's more interesting than
a plain wall, though, isn't it?

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That's an admirable spirit.

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Well, the idea of doing what
you don't want to do,

87
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we've got an example here of a dad
trying to persuade his child to do

88
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something they don't want to do.

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And it shows,
with a bit of clever thought,

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it's amazing what you can achieve.

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THEY SPEAK OWN LANGUAGE

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LAUGHTER

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I like that.

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I just think you're liable...
If you don't do things

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you don't want to do, you're liable
to not make fabulous discoveries.

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Like, I recently went camping...

97
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Ugh... ..and they asked me to...
Oh, I know, yeah.

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Come on! That's a bad one to pick.
That's not it, that's not my...

99
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And they asked me to build
a bonfire, and I thought...

100
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"I really don't want
to build a bonfire."

101
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I built a bonfire, I loved it.

102
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I stared at that bonfire
for an hour and a half.

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If I had the choice between
Netflix and a bonfire,

104
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I would rather have a bonfire.

105
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And I would not have discovered that
if I'd adopted your attitude of,

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"No, I don't want to do that
so I'm not going to do it."

107
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Speaking of which, I've got
a show on Netflix, so up yours!

108
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Yeah, believe me, I've got
several shows on the bonfire.

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OK, and so to Scarlett.

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Crocs.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I hate Crocs. They're awful.

112
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Awful. Look at them.

113
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That makes my heart angry,
just looking at that illustration.

114
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Awful. Like, I don't understand,
like,

115
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who sat down, and thought,
"Right, we want a waterproof shoe,

116
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"so what we'll do
is put holes in it"?

117
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Like, it makes no sense at all,
and, like, no-one's ever, like,

118
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bought an outfit, and went, "I know
what'll just set these off nice,

119
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"a pair of Crocs." Well...
Who's done that?

120
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And they've brought, like,
nice designer types out.

121
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They're still Crocs. It doesn't
matter if you stick jewels on them,

122
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make them fancy colours,
prints, look at that design!

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I think it's... Why are they so
wide? Yeah, why are they so wide?

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Whose foot is that wide?

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No, I'm with you, I totally...

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That's what... I love their width,

127
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because when I've been
wearing them a couple of hours,

128
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my feet start to settle.

129
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Oh...

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Honestly, I take them off,

131
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and none of my toes are touching
each other any more.

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I can comb, I can actually comb
with my foot.

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Like, what outfit would you
wear with your Crocs?

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Well, I'll tell you something now,
I do the bins in the Crocs.

135
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Yeah. And I mow the lawn.
What if you get bin juice

136
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on your foot, though? Yeah.
There's holes in them.

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I'm prepared to live with that.
I couldn't deal with that.

138
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And I mow the lawn, I do the garden,
so I don't go that far.

139
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I would say that my Wi-Fi
extends further than my Croc usage.

140
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So even you know how ugly they are,

141
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because you wouldn't go out
in public with them.

142
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No, because of people like
you making it a stigma!

143
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I'm wearing Crocs now.

144
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No, you're not!

145
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I am! You can see how long I've been
wearing this pair. Oh, no, don't.

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LAUGHTER

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I will...

148
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I will trim these, eventually.

149
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But, no, I think they're
very, very...

150
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I can really relax in them.

151
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Let's say I'm at a barbecue,
par example.

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And I always think there's not
enough roughage at a barbecue,

153
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so I serve Brussels sprouts.

154
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Here they are.

155
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Just boiled. And what I do, there's
no strainer, ever, so I...

156
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Oh!

157
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
..slip the Croc off.

158
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Oh, wow!

159
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And then I can...

160
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I can offer these round.

161
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I just grab the slingback, and say,
"Jeff, would you like a sprout?"

162
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And we're in business.

163
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Come with me.

164
00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:33,160
Good idea? I mean, do you
take it off your foot

165
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to then strain with it?

166
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:38,240
Yeah. OK. That is what I was
scared of, yeah.

167
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Does that affect the flavour?

168
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,840
Well, I wear socks with them.

169
00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:46,360
Oh, no. What? Well, what's the point
of wearing them,

170
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,000
if you're going to wear socks?

171
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Then you're not even getting
the air around your feet.

172
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,920
Oh, well, let me show you.

173
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What... These are the socks
I wear them with.

174
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And...

175
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

176
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People don't even know I'm
wearing them, it's amazing.

177
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Also, you know, I like to cook
at home.

178
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,840
One thing that annoys me is
when you get a beef patty.

179
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,560
Whereas, I like proper minced
beef. The scent of minced beef.

180
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:25,560
So what I do...

181
00:10:27,680 --> 00:10:30,080
..I... I take off a Croc.

182
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,520
AUDIENCE GROANS

183
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:34,160
I... Oh, God.

184
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:35,760
I load it.

185
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,000
Oh, no, I can't bear it.

186
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:39,520
This is like a sick
Channel 4 documentary.

187
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I need a plunger.

188
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,760
THEY GROAN

189
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,480
No, that's worse than I thought
it was going to be.

190
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,280
APPLAUSE

191
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:54,800
Look at that!

192
00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:00,520
You have showed me every other use
of a Croc,

193
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:05,800
other than actually its job,
which is being a stylish shoe.

194
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,720
You don't want
to be able to strain

195
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,640
your Brussels in your sandals,
do you?

196
00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:11,680
YOU don't.

197
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,560
OK, so what is winding up Pearl?

198
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,080
Yeah! Yeah!

199
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,800
I hate mosquitoes.

200
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:35,600
They serve, like, absolutely
no purpose, apart from to bite you,

201
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,800
and just make you feel
massively uncomfortable.

202
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:39,520
It's like...

203
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:42,240
Why are they there?
Why do they exist?

204
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,960
All they do is bite your skin,
suck your blood a tiny bit,

205
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,000
tiny bit, just enough to make you,
like,

206
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,080
completely uncomfortable
for the rest of the evening.

207
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,840
Do you know what I mean? And also,
malaria, that's pretty rude.

208
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,240
I'm not really down with that.

209
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:58,360
And they only, have you noticed,
they only have...

210
00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,960
That little sound they make...
SHE MAKES HIGH-PITCHED SOUND

211
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,200
That little sound, they
only make that, after they've

212
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,480
already bitten you.

213
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,040
Did you know that? Is that true?
I discovered that recently.

214
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:11,320
Yes, it is. Yeah, and that's like,
not only have you bitten me, yeah?

215
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,280
But then it's like
you're insulting me.

216
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,720
You're adding insult to injury,
you're then going...

217
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,680
"Bitten you!"

218
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:19,800
That's not OK.
Is that genuinely true?

219
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,680
Yeah, it's the blood vibrating
inside them.

220
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,160
Is it? Wow, that's amazing.

221
00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:28,040
That's like after you drink a cup of
tea and you go, "Ah!"

222
00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,800
Yeah, exactly! Next time I'll just
go, "Yeah, I hope it chokes you!"

223
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,320
But they can bite you as many times
as they want, can't they?

224
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,520
It's not like bees, sting you once
and they're dead,

225
00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,920
and you're, like,
"Oh, honourable, you know.

226
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,400
"I appreciate what you've done."

227
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,840
You know, you wouldn't have done it
if you didn't mean to.

228
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,200
Mosquitoes are there just like,
"Om, nom, nom, nom, nom."

229
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,520
Well, I've got to say,
you're in very good company,

230
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:53,000
because here's someone else
who doesn't like mosquitoes.

231
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,440
The Democrats...

232
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:55,960
Oh, it was a mosquito.

233
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,720
I don't want mosquitoes around me.

234
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,920
I don't like mosquitoes!

235
00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:05,240
I don't like those mosquitoes,
I never did.

236
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:06,840
OK. Speaking of mosquitoes...

237
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,760
..hello, Hillary, how are you doing?

238
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,240
AUDIENCE: Ooh!

239
00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:15,080
Ooh! What I like about that, "I
don't like mosquitoes, I never did,"

240
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,640
as if there was a time
when they were quite popular.

241
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:22,760
I think it's really rude as well
that they only bite certain people.

242
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,960
Like, what's that about? I was at
my friend's house the other day,

243
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,560
on her balcony, I'd been out
there for about five minutes,

244
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,280
and I had about seven mosquito bites
on me already.

245
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,680
And I said to Emma, I was like,
"Emma, do you have any, like,

246
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,240
"mosquito bite cream?"

247
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,880
"Anything like that?"
And she's like, "Oh, no, no, sorry,

248
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,360
"they don't really affect me.
They don't really bite me."

249
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:42,600
And I'm, like, "What?!"

250
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:45,520
Why have they just munched me?

251
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,840
And, like, both my other friends
are completely fine.

252
00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:50,200
Feel privileged that you're
the chosen one.

253
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,680
But I'd rather not be, though,
do you know what I mean?

254
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:53,960
It's good to feel wanted.

255
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,840
Yeah. I hate to tell you this,
Pearl, but one study

256
00:13:57,880 --> 00:13:58,960
showed people...

257
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:03,320
..whose hygiene was not quite...

258
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,680
LAUGHTER

259
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:09,600
Basically, sweatier people
get bitten more often.

260
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,240
I am quite a sweaty person.

261
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:15,480
Maybe that's it. Oh, well, there you
go. They like a bit of seasoning.

262
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,960
I can't change that, though.
What do I do about that?

263
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,440
Wear Crocs, they're very airy...

264
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:24,200
Let the air blow through you.

265
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:27,560
OK, we come to
the end of that round.

266
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,920
Now then, I...

267
00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:35,000
I don't feel I can put Crocs in.
I think...

268
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,840
I wear them, and that would
seem hypocritical.

269
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,160
I think there's a bit of snobbery
about Crocs.

270
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:43,400
I think people with wide feet,
really, it's changed my life.

271
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:49,240
You wear your fancy stilettos,
but when you get to a certain age,

272
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:50,920
you need that space.

273
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:58,840
I thought about putting in things
I don't want to do.

274
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:00,440
But I don't want to.

275
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,560
So I'm going to put mosquitoes
into Room 101.

276
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:08,160
Yes! Yes!

277
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,920
Get them in there. Get in! Get in!

278
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,000
What's upsetting Scarlett?

279
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:28,880
Right, Little Cartons
Of UHT milk, now...

280
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,240
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

281
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,280
Like, what is it?

282
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,880
Someone once told us that it was
evaporated milk, so how is it there?

283
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,080
And, like, it never
has a sell-by date on.

284
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,360
No. It never says cow's milk.

285
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,080
So I don't know what...

286
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:56,160
..it's come from.
It could be any animal.

287
00:15:56,200 --> 00:16:00,480
And, just, they're always
the size of thimbles.

288
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:04,360
Like, who has that much milk
in their tea?

289
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,320
Just make them a bit bigger.

290
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,440
If you're going to go through
all the hassle of making a tab

291
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:11,800
that you can't open,
that you've got to struggle with,

292
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,800
so half of it spills out,
make it bigger.

293
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,960
So, how many would you use
in a cup of tea?

294
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:20,040
About eight. No? Genuinely.

295
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,800
You would use eight?

296
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:23,520
Because they're that big.

297
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:26,160
I know, but sometimes I'll just
make the tea black,

298
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,640
and I'll drink it with UHT chasers.

299
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:34,720
Straight down.

300
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:38,360
Milk's a natural thing, isn't it?
That's why it goes off.

301
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:39,960
It shouldn't last years.

302
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:43,000
Do you know what I mean?
It shouldn't.

303
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,120
But that's progress, isn't it?
No.

304
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:50,400
The life expectancy of human beings
have increased - why not milk?

305
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:56,800
I just don't... Like, they never
have sell-by dates. It's dangerous.

306
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:59,440
Well, it can't be that...
Surely they wouldn't...

307
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:01,960
The Government would...

308
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,920
..stamp down on this, surely,
if it was deadly?

309
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,440
What does it even stand for?

310
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:09,280
It sounds like something you need
a course of antibiotics.

311
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,560
UHT. "Oh, I'll have some UHT."

312
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,520
It sounds... "I wouldn't want to
catch UHT, lasts for ages."

313
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,760
Yeah, exactly.

314
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,600
And I just don't want to be drinking
something that sounds like that.

315
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,640
Do you go to
the tanning salon, ever?

316
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,120
What's a tanning salon?
Like a spray tan?

317
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,080
No, when you go, and you lie
on a sunbed.

318
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:29,960
Oh, no, I don't do that,
I just fake it.

319
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:33,680
I find they make
a fabulous pair of...

320
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,200
That's brilliant.

321
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:44,560
That is brilliant.

322
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:49,480
Not only that, but it's not the
only sensitive area on your body,

323
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:51,160
obviously, so I also wear...

324
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,520
They call me Pot Noodle
at the tanning salon.

325
00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:06,840
I quite like the novelty
of opening them.

326
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:08,560
Yous need to get out more.

327
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,680
It means you're not at home,
doesn't it? It's a little treat.

328
00:18:13,720 --> 00:18:15,520
Think of it as fun-sized milk.

329
00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:21,440
One thing I like about them is
I still play with my Action Man.

330
00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:22,840
I'm a big...

331
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:26,040
And I particularly liked the
game Action Man, family butcher.

332
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,080
See, you can use the carton...

333
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:36,720
APPLAUSE

334
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,920
Another thing I like to do,

335
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:43,600
is half a walnut,
representing roast chicken.

336
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,440
Look at that.

337
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,240
They are practical.
They are there because, otherwise,

338
00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:00,600
they'd have to give you...
What else are they going to do?

339
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,960
They're there so that you can make
a cup of tea in your hotel room

340
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:07,520
without having to go out
and milk a cow.

341
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:09,960
Otherwise, they'd have to give
you a full carton of milk,

342
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,440
and put it in the fridge.
They are serving a purpose.

343
00:19:12,480 --> 00:19:14,480
Or just have your coffee black?

344
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:18,000
They could just... You can get,
like, mini pints, can't you?

345
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:20,720
Hold it, how can you
have a mini pint?

346
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:25,480
Well, I don't know, like,
what the specific measurement it is,

347
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,320
but it's, like, half a pint.
Smaller than your average pint?

348
00:19:28,360 --> 00:19:29,960
Yeah, it's like half a pint.

349
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,200
That is condensed milk,
I think you'll find.

350
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,040
Well, I tell you something,

351
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:46,080
I play quite a bit of football,
and I find one brilliant thing is,

352
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:47,960
if you've run out of studs...

353
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,400
..they do a great...

354
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,200
MUSIC: Match Of The Day theme

355
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,400
I love that you clapped along.

356
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:08,400
Desperate for community singing.
They don't want comedy.

357
00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:13,240
They want Another One Bites The Dust
with big foam hands.

358
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,000
So what's upsetting Charlie Brooker?

359
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,120
Yeah. And this is, this is really
the whole...

360
00:20:25,320 --> 00:20:26,680
..experience.

361
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:29,280
The fact that it's necessary
is annoying,

362
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:34,880
but there's not many experiences in
life in which you have to sit in

363
00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,240
a confined space with a stranger,

364
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:41,280
and you have to sit there and
make small talk with them

365
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:45,680
whilst staring
at yourself in a mirror

366
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:50,440
and having your own awkwardness
amplified as you look at yourself.

367
00:20:50,480 --> 00:20:54,360
While, sometimes, drinking a cup of
coffee that's getting more and more

368
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,800
full of hair.

369
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,560
The whole experience is just...

370
00:21:00,040 --> 00:21:02,640
..I find an absolute torment.

371
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:08,200
And I would be far happier if
there was a night barbering service,

372
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,880
that you could book someone
who would come round to your house,

373
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,800
in the dead of night, and cut
your hair while you were asleep,

374
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:17,600
or while sedated, if they did
haircuts on the NHS.

375
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,960
What about that moment when
they hold the mirror

376
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,760
at the back of your head?

377
00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:38,000
So you can watch yourself nodding
obsequiously from the back.

378
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,760
You can see what you look
like as a liar, from behind.

379
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,720
Good to know.

380
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:47,920
I can't imagine what damage
they would do that would make me

381
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,880
say anything other than,
"It's lovely, thanks very much."

382
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:57,080
I always thought if I was
a barber I'd get one of these.

383
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,440
And the man who didn't have
a bald patch, suddenly...

384
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:05,800
HE GASPS

385
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,040
I wouldn't be able to resist.

386
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:11,640
Better still, if you had a man who
had a bald patch, and you had that.

387
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,720
Really build his hopes up.

388
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:16,600
Then go, "No!"

389
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,080
What is the purpose of the mirror?

390
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,800
Why do you have to have...
Why can't I have a TV,

391
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,160
or something like that instead?

392
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:23,480
Why can't I have anything?

393
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,960
A photograph of
a terrible atrocity happening?

394
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,320
That would be preferable
to watching myself.

395
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,320
It should have an option,
in this day and age,

396
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:32,720
like when you're on a plane,

397
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,840
and the in-flight entertainment
system nowadays,

398
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,560
you can be watching a film, then you
can just check that you're en route.

399
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,600
You can see a little map.

400
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,920
There should be an option,
there should just be a button

401
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,200
you can press that brings up the
feed of your haircut

402
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:49,240
in front of you, just for the
few moments that's necessary.

403
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:53,800
Then you could go back to watching
whatever war movie is preferable.

404
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,960
I agree with you there. I don't know
if this is just a girl thing,

405
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,440
but I feel like you
almost pay to be insulted.

406
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,960
They sit down, and they just
tell you everything that's wrong

407
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,880
with your hair, like,
you've got split ends,

408
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,160
and your roots need doing.
Your hair's dry, and you need

409
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,160
a conditioning treatment on it.
And I'm like...

410
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,200
And they want to cut about that much
off. Yeah. "No, what are you doing?!

411
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,440
"This took me ages to grow!" I just
want the, like, split ends cut off,

412
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:20,200
and then you end up coming out
with, like, a bowl cut.

413
00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:23,040
I agree with you, it's awful.
I hate going.

414
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,400
I agree. I swear this is true.

415
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:31,120
I went to a barbers in Camden Town,
and I said to the bloke, he said,

416
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,240
"What do you want?"
And I said, "I don't...

417
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,520
"I quite like yours.
Something like yours."

418
00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:38,920
And he said, "Well, I have
number two all over."

419
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:42,360
Right? I said,
"You should try wet wipes."

420
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:44,000
APPLAUSE

421
00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:46,640
That bit I made up.
No, don't clap that.

422
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,000
I made that bit up. He said,
"I have number two all over."

423
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:51,560
And I said, "Well, I'll have
that then." And so he got the...

424
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:57,120
And he cut my hair, and I could see
my scalp, because it was so short.

425
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,120
And I said, "This is much shorter
than yours."

426
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,600
He said, "Oh, well, mine's grown out
quite a bit."

427
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:05,400
I swear!

428
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,800
I swear that's true.

429
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,360
Oh, my God.

430
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:14,560
Do you always find that, you know,
when they give, like,

431
00:24:14,600 --> 00:24:17,920
head massages as well, I always find
that awkward because I'm, like,

432
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:19,440
do I close my eyes?

433
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,000
Do I keep them open
and look at them?

434
00:24:22,040 --> 00:24:24,400
I went somewhere and they started
giving me a head massage,

435
00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:26,480
and I thought,
"Which way is this going?

436
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:31,040
"Have I walked into the
wrong bloody place?"

437
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,800
This is a bit weird.
I've got my head in the sink.

438
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,560
I don't let them wash it, ever.

439
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,080
Do you not? You know that sink with
the, sort of, that you lean back on?

440
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:41,400
Yeah. It feels a bit like
sleeping in a urinal.

441
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:45,480
Just take my word for that.

442
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,400
Then you lean back...
And I was getting it done once,

443
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:50,880
and it occurred to me...

444
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,080
I just had this image of this
woman karate chopping me

445
00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:56,160
across the Adam's apple. Yeah!

446
00:24:56,200 --> 00:25:00,360
And once that's crossed your mind,
you cannot enjoy it.

447
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:02,560
You're very vulnerable
in those sinks.

448
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:05,440
I've thought that. It's like
Sweeney Todd or something. Oh.

449
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:08,000
It's the perfect...
Oh, toughen up!

450
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:11,840
And so, to Pearl.

451
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,800
Hear me out here, yeah?

452
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:24,080
OK, so the thing about swimming
goggles that really gets me is

453
00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:26,880
that you put them on,
and you're like, great,

454
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:28,720
they're like suctioned onto
your eyeballs.

455
00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:31,400
You're like, "Cool, cool.
This feels pretty tight, you know."

456
00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:34,000
If you're me, you pull them around
your massive amounts of hair,

457
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,640
that the rubber is not
going well with.

458
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:38,480
And you get in the pool, and you're
like, "This is going to be great."

459
00:25:38,520 --> 00:25:40,880
You're in there, you're
swimming around, like,

460
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,560
"Wow, I can see everything. Oh, my
God, I can see that woman's leg,

461
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:46,120
"it's so exciting." And then, that
little bubble of water

462
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:49,040
just comes in, comes into your eye
like that, and you're just blind.

463
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:51,680
Because the chlorine is actually
in your eye and it was open,

464
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,520
when it shouldn't have been
open underwater anyway.

465
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,560
No. I don't...

466
00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:59,160
I really have a strong aversion
to them.

467
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,200
They lull you into a false sense
of security,

468
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:02,560
and then they just get you.

469
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:07,600
I don't... I don't get
much leakage, though,

470
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,360
with the goggles.
Maybe it's just me.

471
00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:15,400
I've got quite a large eyebrow to
sort of, cheekbone ratio.

472
00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:17,680
So maybe it's that. Maybe I'm too
excited in the water.

473
00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:20,240
I'm like, "Ah!" Eyes are open really
wide or something.

474
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:21,840
Maybe you need a welding visor?

475
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:25,880
Are you tightening them up properly?

476
00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:28,520
Because they're very difficult
to work. It's very difficult

477
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,840
to work out how to tighten up
a pair of swimming goggles.

478
00:26:30,880 --> 00:26:33,000
If they're a bit loose,
and then you tighten them,

479
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:34,440
you always over judge it. Yeah.

480
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:37,600
You put them back on and go
like that, "That's much better."

481
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:41,000
It feels like you've stuck your eyes
into the ends of two Hoovers.

482
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,960
Yeah. That's the thing, you come
out, you've been swimming,

483
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:46,440
and you're like, "Great, yeah!"
You're about to go on a date,

484
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:49,000
and literally, you look like
your eyes have been sucked out

485
00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,840
of their sockets, but then
just sort of popped back on.

486
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:53,520
It's like, that's not attractive.

487
00:26:53,560 --> 00:26:55,760
Are you swimming your way
to these dates?

488
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:02,080
I have to travel far to get them,
trust me.

489
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:05,320
Here's some examples of goggles
I actually like.

490
00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:06,400
What about these?

491
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:11,120
LAUGHTER

492
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:18,040
I would look... These...
You might like these, Pearl,

493
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:21,680
because I think these retain
a certain glamour in the water.

494
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,160
Oh, they're nice. Ooh!

495
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:29,760
That's a bit Dame Edna, isn't it?

496
00:27:29,800 --> 00:27:32,960
I'm actually trying to flutter them,
how can I possibly do that?

497
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:36,240
OK, we come to the end of this.

498
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,160
I...

499
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:40,600
I can't put swimming goggles in,
Pearl,

500
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:43,440
because I can't really swim
without them.

501
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,840
I wouldn't want to deprive you
of that.

502
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:47,880
I think I'm not going to put
haircuts in,

503
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:51,320
because I have had some
very pleasurable...

504
00:27:51,360 --> 00:27:54,200
I once had a haircut... I was on
tour and I went for a haircut,

505
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:55,920
the bloke said,
"How do you want it?"

506
00:27:55,960 --> 00:28:00,360
And there was a poster of me across
the road, and I said, "Like that."

507
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:01,840
Just for those moments.

508
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:04,880
So... That's brilliant.

509
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:10,200
..I am going to put
cartons of UHT milk into Room 101.

510
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:24,160
And that brings us
to the end of the show.

511
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:26,840
Well done, Pearl,
you were this week's winner

512
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,720
and our most persuasive guest.
Yes!

513
00:28:32,800 --> 00:28:34,120
I should do a dab now.

514
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:40,600
Thank you very much to
Charlie Brooker, Scarlett Moffatt,

515
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:42,280
and Pearl Mackie.

516
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,120
And thank you, goodnight.

517
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:46,520
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE