1 00:01:06,860 --> 00:01:08,360 Ok, I'm back. 2 00:01:09,730 --> 00:01:11,356 I can tell you're not really working, bitch. 3 00:01:11,380 --> 00:01:12,976 I know about imessage for the computer. 4 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:16,876 That's how I failed to absorb the last month of my gov seminar. 5 00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:18,596 Was that what you were wearing? 6 00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:20,746 I just got out of my stats midterm. 7 00:01:20,770 --> 00:01:23,636 - Was that relevant? - I don't know, bitch. 8 00:01:23,660 --> 00:01:24,676 Was it relevant? 9 00:01:24,700 --> 00:01:26,626 This is the 500th time you've made me do this. 10 00:01:26,650 --> 00:01:29,256 Maybe that's the detail that finally makes sense to you. 11 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:32,576 Oh, also, I broke my pencil lead in the exam, 12 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,496 and I had to get get a refill, so I had to click it 13 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:36,126 really loudly for like 30 seconds, 14 00:01:36,150 --> 00:01:38,666 and that stress might have damaged my psyche. 15 00:01:38,690 --> 00:01:41,006 Also, I had a chicken Caesar salad for dinner. 16 00:01:41,030 --> 00:01:43,106 I couldn't quite make out the expiration date on the dressing, 17 00:01:43,130 --> 00:01:45,736 so I may be battling the early stages of e. Coli. 18 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:46,816 Is that relevant? 19 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,356 I forgot what an asshole I was. 20 00:01:49,380 --> 00:01:50,876 Not an asshole. I'm just trying to make sure 21 00:01:50,900 --> 00:01:53,526 that no stone is left unturned for the great wise elder. 22 00:01:53,550 --> 00:01:54,536 The sooner you get this done, 23 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:56,356 the sooner you can get on with your life. 24 00:01:56,380 --> 00:01:57,696 I'm really shitting my pants 25 00:01:57,720 --> 00:01:59,886 in anticipation of getting here. 26 00:01:59,910 --> 00:02:02,256 Well, you should, because you're a writer now. 27 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:05,256 A playwright. There. I'll tell you that much. 28 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:08,396 Sick! Does that mean I don't have to go to law school? 29 00:02:08,420 --> 00:02:10,836 Well, you might, if you don't crack this story 30 00:02:10,860 --> 00:02:12,416 and your agent drops you and you get blacklisted 31 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:13,676 from the entire industry, 32 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:16,406 which is why I actually need you to work with me right now. 33 00:02:16,430 --> 00:02:17,530 Ok? 34 00:02:18,420 --> 00:02:20,706 I'm sorry, um... 35 00:02:20,730 --> 00:02:22,826 I'm just trying to figure this out, 36 00:02:22,850 --> 00:02:24,500 and I'm missing something. 37 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,916 Ok, well, for the record, 38 00:02:27,940 --> 00:02:30,016 this is what I was wearing that day. 39 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,696 This is what I would call the "dress for success" model. 40 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:34,586 I read this article before I took the sats, 41 00:02:34,610 --> 00:02:37,526 and it said that if you dress professionally before an exam, 42 00:02:37,550 --> 00:02:40,426 you'll subliminally make yourself more confident and do better. 43 00:02:40,450 --> 00:02:43,296 I've been doing it ever since. I got a 2370, as you know, 44 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,336 and I'm pretty sure I just knocked my stats midterm out of the park. 45 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:48,016 Anyway, that's what I was wearing. 46 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:49,556 Not that it matters. 47 00:02:49,580 --> 00:02:51,330 It matters to me. 48 00:02:53,860 --> 00:02:57,306 Can you please just go through it one more time? 49 00:02:57,330 --> 00:02:59,830 Please? For me? 50 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,886 Just guide me through each step of the night. 51 00:03:02,910 --> 00:03:04,886 Fine. 52 00:03:04,910 --> 00:03:06,916 Ok, get up. 53 00:03:06,940 --> 00:03:09,196 Just take me through it from the beginning 54 00:03:09,220 --> 00:03:10,516 like I've never heard it before. 55 00:03:10,540 --> 00:03:12,336 You sound like a dirty cop. Do you know that? 56 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,296 - You ready? - Yeah. 57 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:16,860 - Ok. - Let's go. 58 00:03:24,090 --> 00:03:26,666 This is about to be the perfect Friday night. 59 00:03:26,690 --> 00:03:28,936 Everybody just finished their first midterms, 60 00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,116 so they're either super-stoked on themselves 61 00:03:31,140 --> 00:03:32,656 for being the brilliant little prodigies 62 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:33,946 they were always told they were, 63 00:03:33,970 --> 00:03:34,976 or they're morbidly depressed 64 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:36,746 and they need to drink their pain away. 65 00:03:36,770 --> 00:03:39,036 Everyone spent the last two weeks in the library, 66 00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:41,816 so they're gonna have all this repressed energy they need to release, 67 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,416 and that can only be done by getting into a cramped space 68 00:03:44,440 --> 00:03:46,210 and touching each other. 69 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,956 Oh, no! Did I not tell you 70 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:52,266 that the "dress for success" model can be modified 71 00:03:52,290 --> 00:03:53,956 to fit a variety of applications? 72 00:03:53,980 --> 00:03:57,216 You are not nearly as charming as you think you are. 73 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:59,216 And do you know that every time you interrupt me 74 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,756 it slows down the process? 75 00:04:00,780 --> 00:04:02,740 Oh. Emily's coming. 76 00:04:08,970 --> 00:04:11,036 I'm not going out tonight. 77 00:04:11,060 --> 00:04:12,376 Then why are you dressed like that? 78 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,280 It's comfortable. 79 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:15,996 You're wearing a strapless bra. 80 00:04:16,020 --> 00:04:17,816 Comfortable strapless bras don't exist. 81 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:18,956 You're coming out with me. 82 00:04:18,980 --> 00:04:20,086 Hold, please. 83 00:04:20,110 --> 00:04:21,736 Sorry, I just quickly want to address 84 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:23,396 a misconception about smart girls. 85 00:04:23,420 --> 00:04:25,856 I think people think their precious daughters 86 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:29,236 recoil at the scent of alcohol, or if they come home drunk 87 00:04:29,260 --> 00:04:31,296 it's because someone poured liquor down their throat. 88 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,796 But in reality, no other group of people 89 00:04:33,820 --> 00:04:37,420 can get a girl drunk faster and with more efficacy than other girls. 90 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:39,916 Can we please just do shots? 91 00:04:39,940 --> 00:04:42,076 I'm really close to hitting my calorie limit. 92 00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,670 I'll set you up. 93 00:04:45,310 --> 00:04:46,446 What do you want? 94 00:04:46,470 --> 00:04:48,476 I'll just have some oj. 95 00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:52,256 - Getting soft in your old age? - Ok. Just surprise me. 96 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:55,896 Some girls like vodka and cranberry juice, 97 00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,726 and some girls like rum and orange juice, 98 00:04:57,750 --> 00:05:00,896 but by far the most popular pregame mixer 99 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:04,096 has gotta be the crippling dietary restrictions 100 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:05,356 and body image issues 101 00:05:05,380 --> 00:05:07,896 that we are unable to shed until we're wasted 102 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:11,616 and we order and consume an entire cheese pizza in 15 minutes. 103 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,046 Cheers. 104 00:05:13,070 --> 00:05:14,846 Thank you. 105 00:05:14,870 --> 00:05:17,576 So you're not gonna hook up with Derek tonight. 106 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,256 Oh, my god. Why would you even ask that? 107 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:22,256 - It's not a question. - Of course not. 108 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,920 - I'm so done. - That's what you said last week. 109 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:26,276 His name is Derek. 110 00:05:26,300 --> 00:05:29,500 That's like the kmart version of Eric. 111 00:05:29,650 --> 00:05:32,966 You are so mean. 112 00:05:32,990 --> 00:05:35,896 So is he! You can't be mean and ugly. 113 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,376 You know what? 114 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,106 I heard that Sean-in-beta thinks you're hot. 115 00:05:40,130 --> 00:05:42,006 I thought beta-Sean was gay. 116 00:05:42,030 --> 00:05:44,836 Oh, my god. Do you think that because he showers every day? 117 00:05:44,860 --> 00:05:47,636 Just focus on beta-Sean, and I assure you, 118 00:05:47,660 --> 00:05:49,296 you will forget all about Derek. 119 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,246 Fine! Fine. 120 00:05:51,270 --> 00:05:55,396 We're gonna go and see what it's like, 121 00:05:55,420 --> 00:05:56,726 and if it's fun, it's fun, 122 00:05:56,750 --> 00:05:58,956 and if it's not fun, we'll leave. 123 00:05:58,980 --> 00:06:01,900 Totally. But finish your drink. 124 00:06:06,260 --> 00:06:08,680 Got enough info for your little play? 125 00:06:19,330 --> 00:06:21,646 Jesus Christ. 126 00:06:21,670 --> 00:06:22,980 Sorry. 127 00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,736 So, I know what you're thinking. 128 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,516 Why am I standing here freezing 129 00:06:28,540 --> 00:06:30,796 my ass off outside a fuckin' frat 130 00:06:30,820 --> 00:06:32,686 waiting for some idiots to deign to let me in 131 00:06:32,710 --> 00:06:35,076 so I can join in on the unmitigated swamp 132 00:06:35,100 --> 00:06:36,956 of booze and testosterone? 133 00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:40,836 Why am I, a modern woman, a card-carrying feminist, 134 00:06:40,860 --> 00:06:43,266 subjecting myself to this war zone? 135 00:06:43,290 --> 00:06:44,926 Don't I know it's kind of hypocritical 136 00:06:44,950 --> 00:06:46,936 to voluntarily subject myself 137 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,306 to the moral, physical, 138 00:06:49,330 --> 00:06:52,030 and psychological degradation that comes with that? 139 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,276 Maybe. 140 00:06:55,300 --> 00:06:57,006 But I do it anyway. 141 00:06:57,030 --> 00:06:59,940 Why, you ask? Have I completely lost my mind? 142 00:07:02,740 --> 00:07:04,369 Because I want to. 143 00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:08,656 Yes! 144 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:12,156 Nobody here knows that I am a gender studies minor. 145 00:07:12,180 --> 00:07:14,696 I spend all day being critical and discerning 146 00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:16,526 and posting liberal Facebook rants, 147 00:07:16,550 --> 00:07:19,496 but no one's dragging me here, ya know? 148 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,836 I come here of my own volition, 149 00:07:21,860 --> 00:07:25,456 to let loose and dance badly and kiss boys. 150 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:28,376 It can be nice to forget who you're supposed to be. 151 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:29,946 Thank you, Santa. 152 00:07:29,970 --> 00:07:32,116 One of the frats puts blood thinners 153 00:07:32,140 --> 00:07:34,080 in there to get you drunk faster. 154 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:36,736 Sorry, one of the frats allegedly puts 155 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,386 blood thinners in it to get you drunk faster. 156 00:07:39,410 --> 00:07:43,276 One of the frats allegedly has their pledges pee in it 157 00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:44,526 before serving. 158 00:07:44,550 --> 00:07:47,036 Oh, my god, unclench. Ok? 159 00:07:47,060 --> 00:07:49,696 And that's not this. This is just bad. 160 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,336 Besides, this is my third year here, 161 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,116 I know how to keep my shit together, right? 162 00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,090 Unlike Becky here. 163 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,076 You're in my socy class! 164 00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:01,906 You have such pretty hair. 165 00:08:01,930 --> 00:08:04,476 Hey, where are your friends? 166 00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:07,216 I don't know, but can you be my friend, maybe? 167 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,736 I thought I already was your friend. 168 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:11,186 Oh, my god! 169 00:08:11,210 --> 00:08:13,116 Are you hungry? 170 00:08:13,140 --> 00:08:15,456 - Can we get a pizza? - Let's definitely do that. 171 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,476 Can you help me out here? 172 00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:18,126 Of course. Where do you live? 173 00:08:18,150 --> 00:08:20,126 Bradford? Oh, my god, 174 00:08:20,150 --> 00:08:24,420 it's so shitty. My roommate is such a fake. 175 00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:25,950 Let's go. 176 00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:31,536 Oh, my god, like, I'm not judging, but... 177 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:33,406 Ok, I'm judging a little bit. 178 00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:36,230 I'm just saying that this is not my first rodeo. 179 00:08:37,470 --> 00:08:38,776 Hey, Josie. 180 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:40,816 Hey, fancy meeting you guys here. 181 00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:42,176 You missed a great time last night. 182 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,246 Oh, yeah, well, 183 00:08:43,270 --> 00:08:45,076 I did, actually, like, have to study. 184 00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,386 That's kind of the thing about graduating in four years, 185 00:08:47,410 --> 00:08:48,786 you have to do that. 186 00:08:48,810 --> 00:08:50,186 Can't relate. 187 00:08:50,210 --> 00:08:51,486 Wanna play pong? 188 00:08:51,510 --> 00:08:53,050 Obviously. 189 00:08:56,990 --> 00:08:59,356 So there actually is something you can help me with. 190 00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:01,896 And you're old, so you might see something that I don't. 191 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:03,636 Here's my dilemma. 192 00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:07,396 Over here, that's Donovan, he is very stupid, 193 00:09:07,420 --> 00:09:11,056 but he kinda has this douchey-hot thing going for him, 194 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:14,646 like a douchebag was surgically implanted into a ten-foot-tall child. 195 00:09:14,670 --> 00:09:16,816 But his dad is super-loaded, 196 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:18,446 so he could kinda come in handy 197 00:09:18,470 --> 00:09:20,556 for a non-disgusting sugar daddy 198 00:09:20,580 --> 00:09:22,356 to support me while I'm becoming a writer. 199 00:09:22,380 --> 00:09:25,120 So he's a great option, ya know? 200 00:09:25,850 --> 00:09:28,590 And then over here we have Jon. 201 00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,196 Jon will probably make zero dollars outta graduation 202 00:09:32,220 --> 00:09:33,646 working for Greenpeace or some shit, 203 00:09:33,670 --> 00:09:35,996 but he has this kind of self-flagellating brand 204 00:09:36,020 --> 00:09:38,106 of questionably authentic male feminism 205 00:09:38,130 --> 00:09:40,566 which indicates to me that he definitely eats pussy, 206 00:09:40,590 --> 00:09:43,406 which is like finding a diamond in a pile of horseshit. 207 00:09:43,430 --> 00:09:46,306 It's just a really rare commodity in this economy. 208 00:09:46,330 --> 00:09:48,676 So, ya know, they're both great options. 209 00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:50,770 You see my dilemma. What should I do? 210 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:55,636 - Uh, uh, well, I think, um... - Sorry I shouldn't have asked. 211 00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:56,816 You're completely useless. 212 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:57,856 I'm just gonna go home with one of them, 213 00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,880 so I guess place your bets? 214 00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:02,280 - Hey! - Ahh! 215 00:10:03,250 --> 00:10:04,666 Right this way, my lady. 216 00:10:04,690 --> 00:10:07,056 Donovan rushes ahead right out the gate. 217 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,606 Jon is the dark horse. Will he give up entirely? 218 00:10:10,630 --> 00:10:13,676 Will he sulk and pick up an unsuspecting freshman 219 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:16,436 with a sob story about how, as a sensitive frat boy, 220 00:10:16,460 --> 00:10:19,046 he's really disgusted with the behavior of his peers? 221 00:10:19,070 --> 00:10:20,730 Only time will tell. 222 00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:23,776 That kid is gay as fuck. 223 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,946 Oh, no. Are we still using that as an insult? 224 00:10:26,970 --> 00:10:29,816 Don't you guys have a rainbow flag in your window? 225 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:33,256 Yeah, I mean, I support his right to be gay as fuck 100%. 226 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,816 Oh, god. He's managed to disappoint me 227 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:37,249 before he even pulled out his dick. 228 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:04,680 Oh! 229 00:11:06,550 --> 00:11:09,826 Oh... I know whose animal house poster 230 00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:12,020 I'm getting fingered under tonight. 231 00:11:17,460 --> 00:11:20,236 Wait. I actually have to worry more about appearances, 232 00:11:20,260 --> 00:11:21,996 because it doesn't take much to get you labeled 233 00:11:22,020 --> 00:11:23,196 as a slut around here. 234 00:11:23,220 --> 00:11:25,436 Qualifiers include but are not limited to 235 00:11:25,460 --> 00:11:28,846 showing an interest in sex before midnight. Hmm. 236 00:11:28,870 --> 00:11:31,696 Do you ever think about just leaving? You're wasted. 237 00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,336 No. To leave would be to admit to everyone 238 00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:36,056 that i'm... what is the word? 239 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,200 Mature. 240 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:43,216 - Wait. - Oh, my god, what? 241 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:44,896 - Is that a karaoke machine? - Yeah, 242 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,416 I think the theme was supposed to be eighties. 243 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,396 Nobody here is dressed in a theme. 244 00:11:49,420 --> 00:11:51,776 I guess if there was a theme, you could call it 245 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,866 "battle of the girls who are skinny enough to wear crop-tops 246 00:11:54,890 --> 00:11:57,876 versus the girls who can't, and are salty about it." 247 00:11:57,900 --> 00:12:00,176 You could totally wear a crop-top. 248 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,676 No, I couldn't, and I don't want to anyway. 249 00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:03,706 Yeah, you could. 250 00:12:03,730 --> 00:12:06,086 You could wear a high-waisted legging with a control top 251 00:12:06,110 --> 00:12:07,996 and then just show a sliver of your belly. 252 00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:11,756 If you can drink six beers and still suck in your stomach, 253 00:12:11,780 --> 00:12:13,256 like, go for it. 254 00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:14,496 This is the time to do it. 255 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,226 Hell, yeah! Go topless, even! 256 00:12:16,250 --> 00:12:17,826 - Free the nipple. - Tits out! 257 00:12:17,850 --> 00:12:19,716 - It's called empowerment. - Yeah, man. 258 00:12:19,740 --> 00:12:22,226 I'll show you empowerment. 259 00:12:22,250 --> 00:12:23,689 Sorry. 260 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:28,740 ♪ You are the fuel, I'm the light ♪ 261 00:12:28,860 --> 00:12:32,680 ♪ you light a match and I watch it ignite ♪ 262 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,906 ♪ we gonna fly... ♪ you know the lyrics, shit! 263 00:12:36,930 --> 00:12:40,276 ♪ We gonna fly till we h-hit the ground ♪ 264 00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,110 ♪ can you feel it, in the night ♪ 265 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:47,686 ♪ like the floor's on fire, like the floor's on fire ♪ 266 00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:49,186 ♪ can you feel it ♪ 267 00:12:49,210 --> 00:12:50,856 ♪ hotter than the sun ♪ 268 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,896 ♪ like the floor's on fire ♪ 269 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,219 ♪ like the floor's on fire ♪ 270 00:12:56,890 --> 00:12:58,420 Dance break! 271 00:13:07,140 --> 00:13:10,416 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 272 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:14,200 ♪ when you fly ♪ 273 00:13:15,510 --> 00:13:17,469 ♪ oh, yeah ♪ 274 00:13:18,780 --> 00:13:21,556 Do you feel it, feel it? 275 00:13:21,580 --> 00:13:23,526 Can you feel it? 276 00:13:23,550 --> 00:13:25,950 Can you feel it?! 277 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:29,649 Can you feel it? Whoo! 278 00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:39,160 Did you see when I died and then I came back to life? 279 00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:43,766 Are you kidding me? What is wrong with this guy? 280 00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:45,876 His attention span is so freaking short. 281 00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:48,000 Maybe he does need all that Adderall. 282 00:13:57,950 --> 00:14:00,836 - Yo. - Oh, hey. 283 00:14:00,860 --> 00:14:02,876 Thought I lost you to Donovan back there. 284 00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:05,480 Oh. No, I just... I did a lap. 285 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:09,820 God... I'm pretty wasted. 286 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,036 Doubtful. That's just an excuse 287 00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:14,616 for whatever insane shit he's about to say. 288 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,976 Um, yeah, so am I. 289 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:20,080 Well, do you... wanna sober up a little? 290 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:21,930 Uh, yeah? 291 00:14:24,310 --> 00:14:26,016 I actually do. 292 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:27,726 I feel like there's always a point in the night 293 00:14:27,750 --> 00:14:30,456 where you get kinda tired of being hammered. 294 00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:32,936 Like this one time, I was so stoned 295 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:36,656 and I Googled "how to be less high," 296 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:41,496 and then I was so high, I couldn't read the Google result. 297 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:45,796 But, yeah, I wish I could get sober quickly 298 00:14:45,820 --> 00:14:49,360 when I'm tired of saying stupid shit and the room is spinning. 299 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,086 Oh. 300 00:14:52,110 --> 00:14:54,300 This is some really good shit. 301 00:14:56,100 --> 00:14:58,470 I know what I'm doing. 302 00:15:05,940 --> 00:15:08,180 And you thought romance was dead. 303 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:13,866 Wouldn't it be, like, even more badass 304 00:15:13,890 --> 00:15:16,466 if we just did it straight off the toilet seat? 305 00:15:16,490 --> 00:15:18,436 We're already destroying our bodies, 306 00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:21,676 we may as well snort up some invisible poop particles. 307 00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:24,230 It's like adding insult to injury. 308 00:15:34,610 --> 00:15:37,056 Didn't I tell ya that was some good stuff? 309 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:40,426 Yeah, that's great. I bet they call you El chapo. 310 00:15:40,450 --> 00:15:43,200 Oh, my god, that's crazy! How did you know? 311 00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:51,260 Let's get outta here. 312 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:02,056 It's so cool to meet a girl who does coke. 313 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:06,046 I don't do coke. I party, I drink, 314 00:16:06,070 --> 00:16:09,886 I occasionally abuse a stimulant 315 00:16:09,910 --> 00:16:11,756 that was not prescribed to me by a medical professional, 316 00:16:11,780 --> 00:16:13,840 but I don't do coke. 317 00:16:13,980 --> 00:16:15,756 Ok. 318 00:16:15,780 --> 00:16:17,610 I am cool, though. 319 00:16:53,020 --> 00:16:55,150 Oh, shit. 320 00:17:01,490 --> 00:17:03,276 You on the pill? 321 00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:05,306 Uh-huh. 322 00:17:05,330 --> 00:17:06,400 Hold, please. 323 00:17:08,270 --> 00:17:10,016 Isn't he dreamy? 324 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,846 I would say that that is the height of romance, 325 00:17:11,870 --> 00:17:16,896 but I have a friend who once had a guy buy plan b for her. 326 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,796 So that kinda set the bar. 327 00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:20,710 Ow. Ahh. 328 00:17:27,590 --> 00:17:30,189 Ahh. Um... 329 00:17:31,690 --> 00:17:33,420 Ow. 330 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:43,776 Ow! 331 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:45,870 Dude, what the fuck! Jesus! 332 00:17:47,710 --> 00:17:49,736 Can we make out for two seconds? 333 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,080 Yeah. 334 00:17:55,410 --> 00:17:57,486 You're so beautiful. 335 00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:01,080 I've had a thing for you for so long. 336 00:18:04,020 --> 00:18:08,220 Wait. Wait. 337 00:18:11,260 --> 00:18:14,436 Wait. 338 00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:15,876 Relax. 339 00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:17,476 Is this your first time or something? 340 00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:19,440 No... 341 00:18:22,670 --> 00:18:24,420 Wait... 342 00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:45,260 Wait. 343 00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,670 Oh, that was... that was fuckin' great. 344 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,496 Where you going? 345 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,186 Wanna stay the night? 346 00:19:39,210 --> 00:19:42,996 Um, i'm... I got work tomorrow, so.. 347 00:19:43,020 --> 00:19:44,850 All right. 348 00:19:47,750 --> 00:19:52,000 Actually, I'm not sure. I'm just gonna get a glass of water. 349 00:19:52,530 --> 00:19:54,030 Hurry back. 350 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:11,776 You get what you needed? 351 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,646 Um, I-I don't... 352 00:21:13,670 --> 00:21:16,656 - Fuck! - I'm sorry. I just... 353 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,186 Why do you keep making me redo this night? 354 00:21:19,210 --> 00:21:22,496 I party all the time, you have a lot to choose from. 355 00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:23,996 I know, I'm sorry. 356 00:21:24,020 --> 00:21:25,776 And what are you even writing about? 357 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,716 Like, binge drinking? Drugs? 358 00:21:27,740 --> 00:21:29,536 I'm clearly not the poster child 359 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,736 for the next parental sob story. 360 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,036 Clearly I turn out fine, or at least ok. 361 00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:36,930 Can you just listen for a second? Please? 362 00:21:37,460 --> 00:21:39,520 First of all, I'm not that old. 363 00:21:39,770 --> 00:21:42,276 But I do have enough distance from where you are 364 00:21:42,300 --> 00:21:44,520 to know that... 365 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,946 Most of the specifics about college 366 00:21:48,970 --> 00:21:50,716 have faded away by now. 367 00:21:50,740 --> 00:21:53,186 You are worried about so many things 368 00:21:53,210 --> 00:21:54,886 that do not matter anymore. 369 00:21:54,910 --> 00:21:56,956 You're worried about your gpa, you're worried about... 370 00:21:56,980 --> 00:21:58,856 Finding a date to formal, 371 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:00,666 you think your arms are too fat. 372 00:22:00,690 --> 00:22:02,396 Are you saying my arms aren't fat? 373 00:22:02,420 --> 00:22:03,596 I'm saying it could be worse, 374 00:22:03,620 --> 00:22:05,920 and you waste too much time thinking about it. 375 00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:09,936 This stage of our life is such a blur to me, 376 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,360 and I only remember a few things really, really vividly. 377 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,500 And this night is one of those things. 378 00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:21,900 What is your play about? 379 00:22:23,610 --> 00:22:25,500 It's about rape. 380 00:22:27,140 --> 00:22:29,956 Then you need to find another topic, 381 00:22:29,980 --> 00:22:31,996 because that is not what happened. 382 00:22:32,020 --> 00:22:34,296 News flash: Frat guys are bad at sex. 383 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,996 You know, like, maybe it wasn't the most consensual thing, I... 384 00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:38,416 There it is. That's it. 385 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:40,666 I mean if you can hear one thing that I say, 386 00:22:40,690 --> 00:22:42,906 please let it be that there is no such thing 387 00:22:42,930 --> 00:22:44,606 as nonconsensual sex. 388 00:22:44,630 --> 00:22:46,906 There is just consensual sex, and there is rape. 389 00:22:46,930 --> 00:22:48,576 Those are the only options. 390 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:52,570 If it's that simple, then why am I still here? 391 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,816 I kissed him first. 392 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:58,556 You've seen it a million times. I kissed him first. 393 00:22:58,580 --> 00:23:02,456 - I know. - There's no way that... 394 00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:05,156 Ooohhh! Like, aughhh! 395 00:23:05,180 --> 00:23:07,196 I was drunk, I kissed him first, 396 00:23:07,220 --> 00:23:08,856 there's nothing that I can do with that. 397 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,936 I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't do, 398 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,616 I just want you to know that it's ok 399 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:15,436 to feel bad about what happened. 400 00:23:15,460 --> 00:23:17,266 I'm fine. 401 00:23:17,290 --> 00:23:18,976 Ok. 402 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,326 You're the one who's still hung up on it. 403 00:23:21,350 --> 00:23:23,346 I know. 404 00:23:23,370 --> 00:23:25,576 I just... I need to forget. 405 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:29,296 I wish that a butterfly would clap its wings 406 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,186 somewhere between you and I 407 00:23:31,210 --> 00:23:32,916 and then I would forget about it 408 00:23:32,940 --> 00:23:35,086 before I got to your age. 409 00:23:35,110 --> 00:23:36,980 You don't forget. 410 00:23:42,020 --> 00:23:44,166 Can I go? 411 00:23:44,190 --> 00:23:46,156 Uh, yeah. Yeah. 412 00:23:46,180 --> 00:23:48,046 You should get some sleep. 413 00:23:48,070 --> 00:23:50,736 Your friends are gonna randomly decide to go on a hike tomorrow, 414 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:51,856 and it's gonna be really fun, 415 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:55,020 so you should make sure you're awake on time for that. 416 00:23:55,140 --> 00:23:56,940 Ok. 417 00:23:59,740 --> 00:24:01,446 Just really quickly. 418 00:24:01,470 --> 00:24:04,146 I just want to know, what do I end up doing? 419 00:24:04,170 --> 00:24:06,940 Um, you're a writer. You know that. 420 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:09,940 No, I mean about this. 421 00:24:10,060 --> 00:24:13,116 Well, I can't really tell you what to do. 422 00:24:13,140 --> 00:24:16,580 You'll get here eventually, but the choices have to be yours. 423 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:19,196 I should have known you would say something stupid 424 00:24:19,220 --> 00:24:21,220 and fake-deep like that. 425 00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,536 Does it get any easier? 426 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:29,090 What? 427 00:24:30,530 --> 00:24:34,860 I don't know, like, um... adulthood? 428 00:24:35,940 --> 00:24:38,970 No. Just gets different. 429 00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:42,786 Ok. 430 00:24:42,810 --> 00:24:45,526 I'll let you finish your play now. 431 00:24:45,550 --> 00:24:48,840 Sucks that I don't ever get any better at deadlines. 432 00:24:52,290 --> 00:24:54,296 Hey, do I get an "a" in stats? 433 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:57,490 Oh, my god, get the fuck outta here.