1 00:00:03,529 --> 00:00:05,698 ♪ ♪ 2 00:00:38,983 --> 00:00:43,983 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org 3 00:00:45,154 --> 00:00:48,155 ♪ ♪ 4 00:00:48,157 --> 00:00:51,533 ANNOUNCER: In 1991, she became the first female 5 00:00:51,535 --> 00:00:53,285 late-night talk-show host on a major network. 6 00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:55,037 ANNOUNCER 2: Tonight with Katherine Newbury 7 00:00:55,039 --> 00:00:56,705 is the gold standard... 8 00:00:56,707 --> 00:00:59,249 ANNOUNCER 3: She has hosted over 6,000 episodes, 9 00:00:59,251 --> 00:01:01,168 winning 43 Primetime Emmy Awards... 10 00:01:01,170 --> 00:01:02,544 ANNOUNCER 4: She's brilliant. 11 00:01:02,546 --> 00:01:04,379 She is excellence without compromise. 12 00:01:04,381 --> 00:01:05,714 ANNOUNCER 5: Ladies and gentlemen, 13 00:01:05,716 --> 00:01:07,090 please welcome to the stage 14 00:01:07,092 --> 00:01:09,176 - this year's recipient... - Three, two. 15 00:01:09,178 --> 00:01:11,428 ...of the American Humor Award, 16 00:01:11,430 --> 00:01:15,265 - Katherine Newbury. - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 17 00:01:15,267 --> 00:01:16,975 KATHERINE: Thank you so much 18 00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:19,895 for this incredible honor, although I do have to say 19 00:01:19,897 --> 00:01:22,523 I think America is in a tough spot if it's giving 20 00:01:22,525 --> 00:01:24,942 this amazing award for American comedy to an Englishwoman. 21 00:01:24,944 --> 00:01:26,401 - (LAUGHTER) - I guess they're right... 22 00:01:26,403 --> 00:01:28,028 foreigners are taking all your jobs. 23 00:01:28,030 --> 00:01:29,696 I mean, what happened? 24 00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:32,616 Is there no one funny left in the country? 25 00:01:32,618 --> 00:01:33,909 Is Martin Short dead? 26 00:01:33,911 --> 00:01:35,202 What about Jerry Seinfeld? 27 00:01:35,204 --> 00:01:36,995 Or how about Alec Baldwin? 28 00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:38,455 I mean, come on. 29 00:01:38,457 --> 00:01:40,541 Did someone blow up the Hamptons? 30 00:01:40,543 --> 00:01:42,835 Whatever the reason, I'm assuming I'm here because, 31 00:01:42,837 --> 00:01:47,214 28 years ago, you gave me the greatest honor of my life. 32 00:01:47,216 --> 00:01:49,091 You made me the host 33 00:01:49,093 --> 00:01:51,927 of Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 34 00:01:51,929 --> 00:01:53,973 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 35 00:01:57,893 --> 00:02:00,060 Oh, God. (GROANS) 36 00:02:00,062 --> 00:02:02,646 I have hated many pairs of shoes in my time, 37 00:02:02,648 --> 00:02:04,731 but none more than these. 38 00:02:04,733 --> 00:02:07,359 And everything hurts. I'm in hell. How are you? 39 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,319 - I liked your speech. - But you have notes. 40 00:02:09,321 --> 00:02:11,238 - I know you have notes. - My only note is 41 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,657 - to drink as much as you want. - I ran into Steve Martin. 42 00:02:13,659 --> 00:02:15,659 - He sends his love. - He sends his love? 43 00:02:15,661 --> 00:02:18,871 Jesus Christ. How sick do people think I am? 44 00:02:18,873 --> 00:02:20,706 Oh, please don't die before I get home. 45 00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:23,292 I haven't got the strength to organize your funeral. 46 00:02:23,294 --> 00:02:26,295 - (CHUCKLES) Go party. - Are you kidding? 47 00:02:26,297 --> 00:02:28,797 My Spanx have actually cut off the blood supply to my head. 48 00:02:28,799 --> 00:02:31,049 - I'm going to bed. - (LAUGHS) 49 00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:33,051 - Good night, my love. - I'll see you tomorrow. 50 00:02:33,053 --> 00:02:35,846 (LAUGHTER) 51 00:02:35,848 --> 00:02:37,639 You know what I hate? 52 00:02:37,641 --> 00:02:39,016 Those friends who are like, 53 00:02:39,018 --> 00:02:40,392 "Oh, can you take off your shoes?" 54 00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,686 Nope, not taking 'em off. 55 00:02:42,688 --> 00:02:44,229 You know why? 56 00:02:44,231 --> 00:02:46,148 'Cause this is not Japan. 57 00:02:46,150 --> 00:02:48,859 It's the United States of America. 58 00:02:48,861 --> 00:02:51,445 Next time you go to a friend's house 59 00:02:51,447 --> 00:02:53,238 and that friend says, "Ooh, hold on, 60 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,407 can you take your shoes off?" here's what you do. 61 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,242 You take one of their shoes, 62 00:02:57,244 --> 00:02:59,536 - and you take a shit in it. - (LAUGHTER) 63 00:02:59,538 --> 00:03:01,288 All right? Right in front of them. 64 00:03:01,290 --> 00:03:03,415 Boom. You're welcome, America. 65 00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:06,084 (SIGHS): Oh, what a wanker. 66 00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,669 (PHONE RINGING) 67 00:03:07,671 --> 00:03:08,712 RECEPTIONIST: Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 68 00:03:08,714 --> 00:03:10,130 So, how did the speech go? 69 00:03:10,132 --> 00:03:11,298 Did you like what the writers wrote? 70 00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:13,008 Well, I kept the last line. 71 00:03:13,010 --> 00:03:15,260 "Thank you for this honor. Good night." 72 00:03:15,262 --> 00:03:16,970 I'll take that as a no. 73 00:03:16,972 --> 00:03:19,598 Okay, so the network has been trying to contact us. 74 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,767 You have to call Caroline back. 75 00:03:21,769 --> 00:03:24,394 Oh, I was just reading about her. Yeah, here. 76 00:03:24,396 --> 00:03:27,564 Listen to this: "As a female president of a network..." 77 00:03:27,566 --> 00:03:30,317 Don't start any sentence with: "As a female..." 78 00:03:30,319 --> 00:03:31,568 So tacky. 79 00:03:31,570 --> 00:03:33,153 "I want to remind my network 80 00:03:33,155 --> 00:03:34,571 "that show business is still business. 81 00:03:34,573 --> 00:03:36,239 When I was at Harvard Business School," 82 00:03:36,241 --> 00:03:38,116 where, apparently, she majored in name-dropping, 83 00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:40,661 "I learned that if we're not hitting prospective consumers 84 00:03:40,663 --> 00:03:43,038 "in all four quadrants, we are not going to make 85 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,207 a return on our investment." She sounds hilarious. 86 00:03:45,209 --> 00:03:47,501 - I can't wait to call her back. - Great. 87 00:03:47,503 --> 00:03:49,378 And Gabe Eichler is waiting to talk to you. 88 00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:52,007 - I don't know who that is. - He's one of our writers. 89 00:03:53,050 --> 00:03:54,591 Whoopee. 90 00:03:54,593 --> 00:03:56,343 I'm in a single-income household, 91 00:03:56,345 --> 00:03:59,513 and Jen and I just had our second baby, Taylor. 92 00:03:59,515 --> 00:04:01,431 Adorable, huh? 93 00:04:01,433 --> 00:04:03,392 She takes after you. 94 00:04:03,394 --> 00:04:04,685 (CHUCKLING): Yeah. Thanks. 95 00:04:04,687 --> 00:04:06,436 So there's just a lot of expenses 96 00:04:06,438 --> 00:04:09,606 at home right now, and... I think it's time for a raise. 97 00:04:09,608 --> 00:04:11,942 I see. 98 00:04:11,944 --> 00:04:14,695 This is actually very exciting to me. 99 00:04:14,697 --> 00:04:17,072 - Really? Great. - Because what you're describing 100 00:04:17,074 --> 00:04:20,575 is the most clear-cut example of the classic sexist argument 101 00:04:20,577 --> 00:04:22,744 for the advancement of men in the workplace. 102 00:04:22,746 --> 00:04:24,746 You're asking for a raise not because of 103 00:04:24,748 --> 00:04:26,164 any work-related contribution you've made, 104 00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:28,125 but simply because you have a family. 105 00:04:28,127 --> 00:04:31,044 And that's why, in the 1950s, family men were promoted 106 00:04:31,046 --> 00:04:32,796 over the women they worked with. 107 00:04:32,798 --> 00:04:34,381 I've never encountered it, actually, 108 00:04:34,383 --> 00:04:36,717 in such a clean, teachable way. 109 00:04:36,719 --> 00:04:39,052 I don't think that's at all what's happening. 110 00:04:39,054 --> 00:04:40,595 I can't give you a raise, Gabe. 111 00:04:40,597 --> 00:04:42,848 - It's like giving a raise to a drug addict. - What? 112 00:04:42,850 --> 00:04:44,558 Well, your situations are virtually identical. 113 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,268 A drug addict makes certain decisions 114 00:04:46,270 --> 00:04:48,270 outside of work for their sense of self 115 00:04:48,272 --> 00:04:50,230 and comfort, and then the addiction 116 00:04:50,232 --> 00:04:52,983 demands more time, more energy, more money, just like a child. 117 00:04:52,985 --> 00:04:55,360 - My child's like a drug problem? - Exactly. 118 00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:57,154 You want special treatment. I'm sure you can see 119 00:04:57,156 --> 00:05:00,240 how unfair that would be to a single man or-or woman. 120 00:05:00,242 --> 00:05:01,825 There are no women on this staff. 121 00:05:01,827 --> 00:05:03,577 - Gabe. - And the reason there aren't any women 122 00:05:03,579 --> 00:05:04,953 is because you hate women. 123 00:05:04,955 --> 00:05:07,122 So you can sit there spouting all this 124 00:05:07,124 --> 00:05:08,415 pseudo-feminist bullshit, but we all know 125 00:05:08,417 --> 00:05:09,750 what's going on here. 126 00:05:09,752 --> 00:05:11,960 We need to hire a woman. 127 00:05:11,962 --> 00:05:14,256 You're fired, obviously. 128 00:05:16,592 --> 00:05:18,050 Just so you know, 129 00:05:18,052 --> 00:05:19,885 this show sucks and has for years. 130 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,803 Everybody's here for the paycheck. 131 00:05:21,805 --> 00:05:24,890 That would mean so much more coming from someone with a job. 132 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:26,308 (QUIETLY): Sorry, man. 133 00:05:26,310 --> 00:05:28,143 Yeah, sorry. 134 00:05:28,145 --> 00:05:31,021 Bradley, I don't hate women. 135 00:05:31,023 --> 00:05:33,732 I don't think you think you hate women. 136 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,317 What does that mean? 137 00:05:35,319 --> 00:05:37,611 I think you might have a problem with women. 138 00:05:37,613 --> 00:05:39,738 I love Mary Tyler Moore. I love Gilda Radner. 139 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:42,532 They're both dead. I-I think you have a problem 140 00:05:42,534 --> 00:05:44,242 with living female writers on your staff. 141 00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,952 You never want to renew their contracts. 142 00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:48,080 Well, find me one worth keeping. 143 00:05:48,082 --> 00:05:50,082 - Would a gay guy work? - No! 144 00:05:50,084 --> 00:05:52,167 (HORNS HONKING) 145 00:05:52,169 --> 00:05:54,129 ♪ ♪ 146 00:06:11,563 --> 00:06:14,689 "I have spread my dreams under your feet. 147 00:06:14,691 --> 00:06:18,151 Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." 148 00:06:18,153 --> 00:06:19,402 God! 149 00:06:19,404 --> 00:06:21,281 Okay, all right, all right. 150 00:06:22,699 --> 00:06:24,866 (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS, DOORS SLIDE OPEN) 151 00:06:24,868 --> 00:06:26,868 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 152 00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:28,662 Oh, there's my guy. 153 00:06:28,664 --> 00:06:30,497 - How are you, buddy? Hey. - Good. 154 00:06:30,499 --> 00:06:31,915 You guys remember my little brother, Hayes, right? 155 00:06:31,917 --> 00:06:33,625 - Hey. - He's the funny one in the family. 156 00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:36,086 - Oh. What? - Wait, someone in your family is funny? 157 00:06:36,088 --> 00:06:37,546 - (LIGHT LAUGHTER) - Hey, man. 158 00:06:37,548 --> 00:06:38,964 Hayes, your timing could not be better. 159 00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:40,465 - Gabe got fired last week. - Oh, yeah. 160 00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:42,551 See, Gabe asked if he could go home 161 00:06:42,553 --> 00:06:44,553 and have dinner with his kids. Suicide. 162 00:06:44,555 --> 00:06:46,346 Yeah, so listen, so when you go in there, okay, no commitments. 163 00:06:46,348 --> 00:06:47,681 - Okay. - No girlfriend. All right? 164 00:06:47,683 --> 00:06:49,432 - You're a monk. - All right. 165 00:06:49,434 --> 00:06:51,309 - Monk. I'm a monk. - Dad already called the network. 166 00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,853 - You got this. - (WHISPERS): You got this. 167 00:06:52,855 --> 00:06:54,354 - Thank you. - Good luck, man. 168 00:06:54,356 --> 00:06:55,647 - Thanks. - Text me after, okay? 169 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,192 All right. 170 00:07:04,533 --> 00:07:06,241 So, you worked at "Chemical Plant." 171 00:07:06,243 --> 00:07:07,742 Is that a cable show? 172 00:07:07,744 --> 00:07:09,369 No, it's a place. 173 00:07:09,371 --> 00:07:11,163 It's a... a chemical plant. 174 00:07:11,165 --> 00:07:13,081 I still work there, actually. 175 00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:15,083 How did you even hear about this job? 176 00:07:15,085 --> 00:07:16,334 Your submission came from Margaret Yang 177 00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:17,752 at Human Resources. 178 00:07:17,754 --> 00:07:19,004 At the chemical plant where I work, 179 00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,589 there is a corkboard... 180 00:07:20,591 --> 00:07:22,174 you know, where people hang notices 181 00:07:22,176 --> 00:07:24,426 for bikes, futons, missing cats... 182 00:07:24,428 --> 00:07:26,511 and one day, I saw a notice 183 00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:28,930 for a company-sponsored essay contest 184 00:07:28,932 --> 00:07:32,058 where the prize was you could meet any executive you want. 185 00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,643 - An essay contest? - Yes. 186 00:07:33,645 --> 00:07:35,437 To meet an executive, like... 187 00:07:35,439 --> 00:07:37,022 the head of the chemical plant? 188 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,523 Yes, I think that's what 189 00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:40,317 you could have picked, traditionally. 190 00:07:40,319 --> 00:07:42,068 - But you didn't? - No. 191 00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:44,571 I picked Vernon Gleason, the chief operating officer 192 00:07:44,573 --> 00:07:47,157 for all of Mainline Chemical, which owns my plant, 193 00:07:47,159 --> 00:07:50,076 but also owns Comtech, which owns this network, 194 00:07:50,078 --> 00:07:52,204 which owns Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 195 00:07:52,206 --> 00:07:54,623 (LAUGHING): So... so you went 196 00:07:54,625 --> 00:07:56,708 to our parent's parent company 197 00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:58,501 in order to make this interview? 198 00:07:58,503 --> 00:08:00,837 - Yep. - And you have no experience in comedy? 199 00:08:00,839 --> 00:08:02,380 No. No, I'm obsessed with comedy. 200 00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,174 No, I've seen every episode of this show. 201 00:08:04,176 --> 00:08:06,092 I-I've read every book written about it. 202 00:08:06,094 --> 00:08:08,470 - I do a little stand-up. - Where? 203 00:08:08,472 --> 00:08:10,597 If you have a problem, ask a chemist. 204 00:08:10,599 --> 00:08:13,433 - She'll always have the solution. - (LAUGHTER) 205 00:08:13,435 --> 00:08:16,603 Which kills with people who know about chemistry. 206 00:08:16,605 --> 00:08:17,812 And I'm actually emceeing a benefit 207 00:08:17,814 --> 00:08:19,022 in the city pretty soon. 208 00:08:19,024 --> 00:08:20,440 - It's kind of cool. - Um... 209 00:08:20,442 --> 00:08:22,859 "Cancer Isn't Funny: A Night of Comedy 210 00:08:22,861 --> 00:08:25,695 in Support of Lung Cancer." Jesus Christ. 211 00:08:25,697 --> 00:08:27,280 (PHONE RINGING) 212 00:08:27,282 --> 00:08:29,157 - Yes. - KATHERINE: Yeah, it's me. 213 00:08:29,159 --> 00:08:30,742 Did you hire a woman yet? 214 00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:34,246 - Uh, working on it. - What's taking so long? 215 00:08:34,248 --> 00:08:36,248 The submissions haven't exactly been the strongest. 216 00:08:36,250 --> 00:08:37,499 KATHERINE: Just hire a woman! 217 00:08:37,501 --> 00:08:39,544 (CLICK, DIAL TONE) 218 00:08:40,963 --> 00:08:43,046 I also wanted to add 219 00:08:43,048 --> 00:08:45,298 that I live with my aunt and uncle 220 00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,092 and 11-year-old cousin in Queens. 221 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:48,677 I have no friends, no boyfriend. 222 00:08:48,679 --> 00:08:50,053 I am a monk. 223 00:08:50,055 --> 00:08:51,846 This job would be my entire life. 224 00:08:51,848 --> 00:08:54,140 Would you consider yourself a litigious person? 225 00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:56,059 - Litigious? - A TV writers' room is... 226 00:08:56,061 --> 00:08:59,896 it's not very PC. It can be a pretty masculine environment. 227 00:08:59,898 --> 00:09:01,648 Oh. I saw most of the writers. 228 00:09:01,650 --> 00:09:03,858 I'm not overly worried about masculinity. 229 00:09:03,860 --> 00:09:05,862 (CHUCKLES): Oh. 230 00:09:08,991 --> 00:09:11,616 Uh... you're hired. 231 00:09:11,618 --> 00:09:13,660 For 13 weeks... and if it doesn't work out, 232 00:09:13,662 --> 00:09:15,370 which it probably won't, you'll be gone. 233 00:09:15,372 --> 00:09:16,913 I can't believe this. 234 00:09:16,915 --> 00:09:18,873 I thought this was going very badly. 235 00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:20,417 It did, and then it didn't. 236 00:09:20,419 --> 00:09:22,210 Okay, here's my spiel to all new writers. 237 00:09:22,212 --> 00:09:24,129 Nothing funny happened after 1995. 238 00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:25,797 Don't talk about the Internet. 239 00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,424 She doesn't want to leave her desk. 240 00:09:27,426 --> 00:09:29,092 She certainly doesn't want to leave the office. 241 00:09:29,094 --> 00:09:30,385 - Here's the new schedule. - Don't rock the boat. 242 00:09:30,387 --> 00:09:31,970 Oh, but don't use the expression, 243 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,139 "Don't rock the boat," 'cause she hates it. 244 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:36,308 Got it? 245 00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:38,935 Didn't you pitch us this same exact thing last week? 246 00:09:38,937 --> 00:09:40,895 - Yes. - I didn't... okay, well, I did 247 00:09:40,897 --> 00:09:42,522 - a different iteration. - Pitched that same thing. 248 00:09:42,524 --> 00:09:45,567 Hey. Guys, uh, this is, um... 249 00:09:45,569 --> 00:09:47,152 - What's your name again? - Molly. 250 00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:49,279 Malee. She used to work at a chemical plant, 251 00:09:49,281 --> 00:09:51,031 and now she's working here. 252 00:09:51,033 --> 00:09:52,532 Oh. Oh, thank God. We're starving. 253 00:09:52,534 --> 00:09:53,992 Uh, can you find out what 254 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,702 the soup of the day is at Au Bon Pain? 255 00:09:55,704 --> 00:09:57,078 MANCUSO: Oh, and I need you to send some packages 256 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,663 back to L.L.Bean for me. 257 00:09:58,665 --> 00:10:00,206 She's not a production assistant, dipshits. 258 00:10:00,208 --> 00:10:02,252 - She's the new writer. - Mm-hmm. 259 00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:04,921 Hi. 260 00:10:06,631 --> 00:10:08,840 So, you start tomorrow at 10:00. 261 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,216 - Great. - Okay. 262 00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:12,260 (DOOR CLOSES) 263 00:10:12,262 --> 00:10:14,012 ♪ ♪ 264 00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,349 RECEPTIONIST: Tonight with Katherine Newbury. 265 00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:19,726 (SIGHS) 266 00:10:19,728 --> 00:10:21,813 (CHUCKLING) 267 00:10:24,566 --> 00:10:26,316 Are you okay? 268 00:10:26,318 --> 00:10:29,069 I'm so happy, I feel sick. 269 00:10:29,071 --> 00:10:30,697 (MOLLY SNIFFS) 270 00:10:32,824 --> 00:10:34,449 That's our show, everyone. 271 00:10:34,451 --> 00:10:37,079 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 272 00:10:39,498 --> 00:10:41,083 - (BUZZER BLARES) - (CHEERING, WHISTLING) 273 00:10:43,001 --> 00:10:44,501 - Brad. - Yeah. 274 00:10:44,503 --> 00:10:46,503 Who is the woman who was the second guest? 275 00:10:46,505 --> 00:10:47,670 Dianne Feinstein? 276 00:10:47,672 --> 00:10:49,756 U.S. Senator? 277 00:10:49,758 --> 00:10:52,133 I thought it was Mike Myers doing a bit in old-lady makeup. 278 00:10:52,135 --> 00:10:54,886 Jesus Christ. Why does she keep booking these boring old broads 279 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:57,180 when I rep the funniest comedians in the city? 280 00:10:57,182 --> 00:10:58,640 KATHERINE: Probably because I have 281 00:10:58,642 --> 00:11:00,517 a soft spot for boring old broads. 282 00:11:00,519 --> 00:11:02,435 Speaking as one, hello, Billy. 283 00:11:02,437 --> 00:11:04,729 - Katherine, you look gorgeous as ever. - Thank you. 284 00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:06,815 To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit 285 00:11:06,817 --> 00:11:08,566 from the world's pushiest talent manager? 286 00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:10,610 How about getting some of my guys on the show? 287 00:11:10,612 --> 00:11:12,362 It'll shake the dust off of this place. 288 00:11:12,364 --> 00:11:14,197 Dust? 289 00:11:14,199 --> 00:11:16,157 - Well... - Okay, Billy, I think your charm is wearing off. 290 00:11:16,159 --> 00:11:18,495 - I'll-I'll walk you out. - You know I'm right. 291 00:11:21,498 --> 00:11:23,289 MOLLY'S MOM (OVER PHONE): Good for you. 292 00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:24,874 Uh, you're going to go celebrate 293 00:11:24,876 --> 00:11:26,418 - with your friends? - Mm-hmm. 294 00:11:26,420 --> 00:11:28,169 - We're gonna go get drinks. - You deserve it. 295 00:11:28,171 --> 00:11:29,921 Okay, Mom, well, I don't want to keep them waiting. 296 00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:31,589 - I better go. - (MICROWAVE BEEPS) 297 00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,883 - Was that the microwave? - Oh, no, it's the doorbell. 298 00:11:33,885 --> 00:11:36,680 Be right there, you guys! Okay, I got to go. 299 00:11:42,811 --> 00:11:45,562 (BUZZER BLARES) 300 00:11:45,564 --> 00:11:47,564 Where did that catchphrase come from? 301 00:11:47,566 --> 00:11:50,859 "I hope I earned the privilege of your time"? 302 00:11:50,861 --> 00:11:52,652 It came from me. (CLEARS THROAT) 303 00:11:52,654 --> 00:11:54,779 Sign of respect for my audience. 304 00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:56,406 (CHUCKLES) Your audience. 305 00:11:56,408 --> 00:11:58,533 Your tiny, proper, catchphrase-loving audience. 306 00:11:58,535 --> 00:12:00,326 It's cute. I like it. 307 00:12:00,328 --> 00:12:01,911 That's a little insulting, isn't it? 308 00:12:01,913 --> 00:12:03,705 Do you know what's insulting? Waiting a week 309 00:12:03,707 --> 00:12:05,832 for one of your employees to call you back. 310 00:12:05,834 --> 00:12:09,294 I apologize. I was away, accepting an award for comedy. 311 00:12:09,296 --> 00:12:11,045 Comedy is the three-and-a-half-minute chunks 312 00:12:11,047 --> 00:12:14,050 of filler on TV between the commercials you sell. 313 00:12:15,510 --> 00:12:18,511 I came to tell you this year is your last. 314 00:12:18,513 --> 00:12:19,804 What? 315 00:12:19,806 --> 00:12:22,476 This season is your last. 316 00:12:24,769 --> 00:12:26,769 You're canceling the show? 317 00:12:26,771 --> 00:12:28,313 No, I'm canceling you. 318 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,648 This show is irrelevant. The ratings reflect that. 319 00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:32,984 Do you want to know who Jimmy Fallon had on 320 00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:36,070 last Tuesday when you had Doris Kearns Goodwin? 321 00:12:36,072 --> 00:12:37,614 Robert Downey Jr. 322 00:12:37,616 --> 00:12:39,073 They washed a sheepdog together. 323 00:12:39,075 --> 00:12:40,700 It was fucking glorious. 324 00:12:40,702 --> 00:12:42,535 I'm sorry, Caroline. 325 00:12:42,537 --> 00:12:44,412 Should I have played giant Connect Four with her 326 00:12:44,414 --> 00:12:45,747 or perhaps sung a karaoke song 327 00:12:45,749 --> 00:12:47,499 on the back of a tandem bicycle? 328 00:12:47,501 --> 00:12:49,375 It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. She's a national treasure. 329 00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:51,294 Agreed. I only wish she'd been an Avenger 330 00:12:51,296 --> 00:12:53,254 instead of writing books about Abraham Lincoln. 331 00:12:53,256 --> 00:12:55,340 - She could be an Avenger if she tried. - Your ratings 332 00:12:55,342 --> 00:12:57,175 have been in a steady decline the past ten years. 333 00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:59,260 You won't even try to appeal to a mainstream audience. 334 00:12:59,262 --> 00:13:01,137 The worst part is, you seem proud of it, 335 00:13:01,139 --> 00:13:03,515 as if it's beneath you to put forth any effort. 336 00:13:03,517 --> 00:13:06,309 It's so... English. 337 00:13:06,311 --> 00:13:09,145 I'm sure that attitude scores you points at dinner parties, 338 00:13:09,147 --> 00:13:11,147 - but unfortun... - I don't go to dinner parties. 339 00:13:11,149 --> 00:13:12,482 Who are you replacing me with? 340 00:13:12,484 --> 00:13:14,317 Well, we haven't decided yet, but... 341 00:13:14,319 --> 00:13:15,904 we will. 342 00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:21,743 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 343 00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,873 KATHERINE: After all the years, the decades 344 00:13:28,875 --> 00:13:30,959 I've put into that show, can you believe it? 345 00:13:30,961 --> 00:13:32,794 As a matter of fact, I can. 346 00:13:32,796 --> 00:13:34,796 They're all a bunch of idiots. 347 00:13:34,798 --> 00:13:36,881 I mean, this is the cyclical nature of late-night TV. 348 00:13:36,883 --> 00:13:39,759 There are gonna be highs, and there are gonna be slumps. 349 00:13:39,761 --> 00:13:42,845 This particular slump has lasted for over a decade. 350 00:13:42,847 --> 00:13:45,098 - What? - The show hasn't been good for years. 351 00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:48,186 Wow. I'm glad your candor's still intact. 352 00:13:54,609 --> 00:13:56,818 Sorry. 353 00:13:56,820 --> 00:13:59,320 But if you felt this way, why, for God's sake, 354 00:13:59,322 --> 00:14:00,655 didn't you say something? 355 00:14:00,657 --> 00:14:02,448 I thought you knew and didn't care. 356 00:14:02,450 --> 00:14:03,866 - No. - Are you sure? 357 00:14:03,868 --> 00:14:05,451 Walter, I have invested in precisely 358 00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:07,829 two things my entire life: you and this show. 359 00:14:07,831 --> 00:14:09,539 I won't lose it now. I can't. 360 00:14:09,541 --> 00:14:11,332 Then you have to fight again. 361 00:14:11,334 --> 00:14:14,002 Something you haven't had to do for a long, long time. 362 00:14:14,004 --> 00:14:17,380 WALTER: They want to replace you. 363 00:14:17,382 --> 00:14:19,424 But they can't replace you 364 00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:20,594 if everyone loves you. 365 00:14:24,806 --> 00:14:27,517 (SIGHING): Okay, okay, okay, okay. 366 00:14:30,562 --> 00:14:32,814 (SNORING) 367 00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:35,607 Good morning! 368 00:14:35,609 --> 00:14:37,483 Oh, my God, you are so funny. 369 00:14:37,485 --> 00:14:39,861 Why am I even awake right now? I'm a stand-up. 370 00:14:39,863 --> 00:14:41,946 I didn't even start my set till 10:00 last night. 371 00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:43,781 Yeah, why did Brad want us here so early anyway? 372 00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,158 That makes me kind of nervous. 373 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,118 You're nervous? That's surprising. 374 00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,121 Brad's assistant said he saw Caroline Morton here yesterday. 375 00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:53,835 Caroline Morton? Why would the head of the network come here? 376 00:15:10,352 --> 00:15:12,352 Well, hopefully, they don't lay everybody off, you know? 377 00:15:12,354 --> 00:15:14,437 - I need this job. - They did fire Gabe. 378 00:15:14,439 --> 00:15:16,981 - Hey, babe. - Gabe should have been fired years ago. 379 00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:19,317 He once went home early because he had a "bad bagel." 380 00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:20,860 Hey, dickhead, I shared an office 381 00:15:20,862 --> 00:15:22,654 with that guy for 17 years. 382 00:15:22,656 --> 00:15:25,198 - Oh, I heard he got hired at Kimmel. - Fuck him. 383 00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:26,991 I thought you said Kimmel wasn't hiring. 384 00:15:26,993 --> 00:15:29,077 Guys, there's a lot of reasons Caroline could be here. 385 00:15:29,079 --> 00:15:30,953 Maybe she wants to sleep with me. 386 00:15:30,955 --> 00:15:33,414 Hey, man, it's a little early in the morning for you to be 387 00:15:33,416 --> 00:15:35,083 this sexually charged, okay, so let's just... (GRUNTS) 388 00:15:35,085 --> 00:15:36,918 BRAD: Uh, sorry to interrupt your coffee cake 389 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,381 and catching up, but Katherine is in the writers' room. 390 00:15:43,718 --> 00:15:45,679 God. 391 00:15:48,098 --> 00:15:49,972 Uh, if I may, I just want to say, 392 00:15:49,974 --> 00:15:52,642 it is such an honor to meet you, Ms. Newbury. 393 00:15:52,644 --> 00:15:54,352 I'm Chris Reynolds. 394 00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,688 Uh, my name is Eugene Mancuso, and when my parents 395 00:15:56,690 --> 00:15:58,648 - got divorced, this show... - I don't know who any of you are. 396 00:15:58,650 --> 00:16:00,400 I don't know who any of them are. 397 00:16:00,402 --> 00:16:02,694 - BRAD: Um... - TOM: Oh, well, 398 00:16:02,696 --> 00:16:05,697 uh, Tom. I'm-I'm Tom. 399 00:16:05,699 --> 00:16:08,116 I, uh... I write the monologue. I'm actually the youngest 400 00:16:08,118 --> 00:16:09,659 monologue writer in the history of the show. 401 00:16:09,661 --> 00:16:10,910 No, no, no. (STAMMERS) Don't care. 402 00:16:10,912 --> 00:16:12,286 - No? Okay. - Do you know what? 403 00:16:12,288 --> 00:16:13,913 I'm not gonna remember any of this, 404 00:16:13,915 --> 00:16:15,123 so here's what we're gonna do. Um, you're One. 405 00:16:15,125 --> 00:16:18,002 Two. Three. 406 00:16:18,837 --> 00:16:20,962 Four. 407 00:16:20,964 --> 00:16:22,380 BURDITT: Hi, Katherine. 408 00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:24,966 Oh, Burditt. Thank God. How's your baby? 409 00:16:24,968 --> 00:16:26,426 She's 27. 410 00:16:26,428 --> 00:16:28,094 Her baby's doing well. 411 00:16:28,096 --> 00:16:29,637 She just started preschool. 412 00:16:29,639 --> 00:16:31,055 - She's, uh... - (MAKES BUZZING SOUND) 413 00:16:31,057 --> 00:16:32,640 Never mind. I-I don't want to know. 414 00:16:32,642 --> 00:16:34,559 I don't know why I asked, actually. You're Five. 415 00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,477 Six. Seven. That's what I'm gonna call you all from now on. 416 00:16:36,479 --> 00:16:38,521 - It's just easier. - Are we allowed to call each other 417 00:16:38,523 --> 00:16:39,814 by our own names? 418 00:16:39,816 --> 00:16:40,982 J-Just learn the numbers, Reynolds. 419 00:16:40,984 --> 00:16:42,358 - Yeah, yeah. - I mean Two. 420 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:43,943 - Yeah. - TOM: Can One and I switch? 421 00:16:43,945 --> 00:16:45,655 I'm-I'm just... I'm the most senior writer. 422 00:16:46,740 --> 00:16:48,072 I'll take Seven. Seven. 423 00:16:48,074 --> 00:16:49,365 - Lucky Seven. - Okay, can we just 424 00:16:49,367 --> 00:16:50,825 get into it now and see if we can 425 00:16:50,827 --> 00:16:52,368 - salvage anything worth taping? - Yes. 426 00:16:52,370 --> 00:16:55,538 You-you had that "Trapped in the Closet" thing. 427 00:16:55,540 --> 00:16:58,708 Why are you dressed like you work HR at a funeral home? 428 00:16:58,710 --> 00:17:00,042 Pavarti, I don't look like that. 429 00:17:00,044 --> 00:17:01,586 I look professional. 430 00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:04,505 Like I work HR at a law firm. 431 00:17:04,507 --> 00:17:06,551 ♪ ♪ 432 00:17:19,230 --> 00:17:21,274 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 433 00:17:23,026 --> 00:17:24,859 KATHERINE: Um, anyway, but it's something like that. 434 00:17:24,861 --> 00:17:26,986 - BRAD: Yeah, you start. - Okay, um... 435 00:17:26,988 --> 00:17:28,404 Now, but it could be funny. 436 00:17:28,406 --> 00:17:29,739 - That-that'd be your job. - Who are you? 437 00:17:29,741 --> 00:17:30,907 Uh, I, uh... I-I'm Molly. 438 00:17:30,909 --> 00:17:32,742 I'm a new writer. 439 00:17:32,744 --> 00:17:34,994 - Uh, the new female writer. - Yeah, I can see that, Brad. 440 00:17:34,996 --> 00:17:36,412 What are those? 441 00:17:36,414 --> 00:17:37,955 These are cupcakes. 442 00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:39,999 They're my way of saying thank you 443 00:17:40,001 --> 00:17:42,502 - for this amazing opportun... - You're late. 444 00:17:42,504 --> 00:17:44,504 Late? 445 00:17:44,506 --> 00:17:47,173 I thought I was almost two hours early. 446 00:17:47,175 --> 00:17:48,925 Does it look like you're early? 447 00:17:48,927 --> 00:17:50,760 Uh, Brad told her we start at 10:00. 448 00:17:50,762 --> 00:17:51,763 Oh. 449 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,597 Well, get in here, then. 450 00:17:54,599 --> 00:17:56,390 - Should I... - What? You want to sit down? 451 00:17:56,392 --> 00:17:58,726 - Okay. Yeah. - (CHATTER RESUMES) 452 00:17:58,728 --> 00:18:00,436 MANCUSO: Oh, that's where Mendelsohn sits. 453 00:18:00,438 --> 00:18:02,605 He's in the bathroom, so... 454 00:18:02,607 --> 00:18:05,608 - Okay. - And that's McCrary's seat. 455 00:18:05,610 --> 00:18:07,276 - Oh. - KATHERINE: Where is McCrary? 456 00:18:07,278 --> 00:18:09,570 I told everyone to be here at 8:00. 457 00:18:09,572 --> 00:18:10,571 Oh, he got a call from his girlfriend, 458 00:18:10,573 --> 00:18:11,906 so it's gonna be a while. 459 00:18:11,908 --> 00:18:13,783 They're actually newly long-distance, 460 00:18:13,785 --> 00:18:15,159 - and I think it's been really hard for her. - Has it been? 461 00:18:15,161 --> 00:18:16,536 Has it been hard for McCrary's girlfriend? 462 00:18:16,538 --> 00:18:18,204 Oh, wow, he must be such a catch. 463 00:18:18,206 --> 00:18:20,540 - Could you sit down, please? - Uh, I-I-I want to. 464 00:18:20,542 --> 00:18:22,250 - I'm trying. - Could you try harder? 465 00:18:22,252 --> 00:18:24,752 Uh, yes. 466 00:18:24,754 --> 00:18:27,129 Oh, okay. I'll just use, uh, this trash can. 467 00:18:27,131 --> 00:18:30,883 There's... you know, there's hardly any trash in it at all. 468 00:18:30,885 --> 00:18:32,593 - Excuse me. Thank you. - Yeah. 469 00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:35,304 Ooh, it's kind of comfortable. Better than a chair. 470 00:18:35,306 --> 00:18:36,764 - You're Eight. - What? 471 00:18:36,766 --> 00:18:38,140 Your name is Eight. 472 00:18:38,142 --> 00:18:39,642 - I'm Molly. - None of this matters. 473 00:18:39,644 --> 00:18:41,269 Why would anyone care what your name is? 474 00:18:41,271 --> 00:18:43,187 Do none of you understand what is at stake here? 475 00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:45,356 I am being replaced as host of this show 476 00:18:45,358 --> 00:18:48,693 because of declining ratings and general lack of quality. 477 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,362 - Wait, what? - The show is great. 478 00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,489 Let's see them do 300 shows a year. 479 00:18:53,491 --> 00:18:54,991 - (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) - What do they expect? 480 00:18:54,993 --> 00:18:57,243 What do they know? 481 00:18:57,245 --> 00:18:58,746 - What do you think? - (CHATTER STOPS) 482 00:19:00,832 --> 00:19:02,665 Oh, I think it's horrible. 483 00:19:02,667 --> 00:19:04,292 It's terrible. 484 00:19:04,294 --> 00:19:06,711 It's-it's the worst. It's... I hate it. 485 00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:08,713 Please stop saying synonyms for "bad." 486 00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:11,007 Tell me what you think. 487 00:19:11,009 --> 00:19:14,886 If I'm being completely honest, and... 488 00:19:14,888 --> 00:19:16,470 also acknowledging how much of a fan 489 00:19:16,472 --> 00:19:18,806 I am of the show and all of your work, 490 00:19:18,808 --> 00:19:22,268 I think there is room for a little bit of improvement. 491 00:19:22,270 --> 00:19:23,811 TOM: Oh, well, sorry the show 492 00:19:23,813 --> 00:19:25,313 doesn't appeal to the heightened sensibilities 493 00:19:25,315 --> 00:19:26,814 of you and your friends at the factory. 494 00:19:26,816 --> 00:19:28,691 It's a chemical plant, not a factory. 495 00:19:28,693 --> 00:19:30,318 - Whatever. - KATHERINE: Seven's right. It's not the smartest 496 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:31,861 thing in the world to come in on your first day 497 00:19:31,863 --> 00:19:33,321 and criticize a room full of people 498 00:19:33,323 --> 00:19:35,615 who've been doing this for years, but... 499 00:19:35,617 --> 00:19:37,658 I asked your opinion, 500 00:19:37,660 --> 00:19:40,036 and honestly, I do not disagree with you. 501 00:19:40,038 --> 00:19:41,787 I've been hearing a lot of this recently. 502 00:19:41,789 --> 00:19:44,123 Last night, from the person I know most in the world, 503 00:19:44,125 --> 00:19:46,459 and today, from this person sitting on a trash can 504 00:19:46,461 --> 00:19:48,127 whom I know the least. 505 00:19:48,129 --> 00:19:50,463 But taking both into account, 506 00:19:50,465 --> 00:19:52,423 the show is bad... I don't know why... 507 00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:54,258 and I think it's your fault. 508 00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:56,385 I love you, too. 509 00:19:56,387 --> 00:19:57,929 Oh, you must be McCrary. 510 00:19:57,931 --> 00:19:59,639 - Oh, wow. - How's your girlfriend? 511 00:19:59,641 --> 00:20:01,933 Good. Really good. Yeah, she just got this new job, 512 00:20:01,935 --> 00:20:03,392 so she's a little emotional. 513 00:20:03,394 --> 00:20:04,518 - She misses me. - Well, she's gonna be 514 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,062 seeing a lot more of you now, 515 00:20:06,064 --> 00:20:07,438 'cause you're fired. Could you see him out? 516 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,231 Now, this is what's gonna happen. 517 00:20:09,233 --> 00:20:11,734 From this moment forth, none of you has a life. 518 00:20:11,736 --> 00:20:14,403 You have no wives, no girlfriends, no kids. 519 00:20:14,405 --> 00:20:15,947 You have only this. 520 00:20:15,949 --> 00:20:17,615 You live this show. 521 00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:19,241 You breathe this show. 522 00:20:19,243 --> 00:20:22,078 When you masturbate, you think about this show. 523 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,913 You're finally going to earn those big, fat paychecks 524 00:20:23,915 --> 00:20:25,873 that have been paying for your divorces 525 00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:27,208 and gym memberships you clearly never use. 526 00:20:27,210 --> 00:20:28,709 Think about why the show is bad, 527 00:20:28,711 --> 00:20:30,378 and come up with ways to fix it. 528 00:20:30,380 --> 00:20:32,966 And, Eight, sit on a chair tomorrow, for God's sake! 529 00:20:34,592 --> 00:20:36,342 Okay. 530 00:20:36,344 --> 00:20:37,885 So... 531 00:20:37,887 --> 00:20:40,721 Can I take the fired man's seat? 532 00:20:40,723 --> 00:20:42,473 We're all gonna be out of jobs. 533 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,808 I'm gonna have to move to Long Island City, 534 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,351 probably sell all my clothes. 535 00:20:45,353 --> 00:20:47,269 - Don't be so dramatic. - Oh, how would you know? 536 00:20:47,271 --> 00:20:48,646 You don't even have nice clothes. 537 00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:50,231 Okay, it's not all that surprising. 538 00:20:50,233 --> 00:20:51,649 Any of your friends talk about the show anymore? 539 00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:52,942 No, it's a relic. Okay? There's no buzz 540 00:20:52,944 --> 00:20:54,443 - about it at all. - No. - TOM: Hey. 541 00:20:54,445 --> 00:20:56,070 It's not a relic, okay? She is an icon. 542 00:20:56,072 --> 00:20:57,321 I mean, it would take them a month 543 00:20:57,323 --> 00:20:58,572 just to remove all of her Emmys. 544 00:20:58,574 --> 00:21:00,116 Well, you know, who knows? 545 00:21:00,118 --> 00:21:01,534 Maybe Little Miss Chemical Plant can help us. 546 00:21:01,536 --> 00:21:03,202 TOM: Please, don't even joke about that. 547 00:21:03,204 --> 00:21:04,954 You know what, Reynolds? Give me one of your Xanaxes. 548 00:21:04,956 --> 00:21:06,122 No, I need all my Xannies now that I'm in the poorhouse. 549 00:21:06,124 --> 00:21:09,250 Molly Patel! Molly Patel, 550 00:21:09,252 --> 00:21:12,253 - the quality control specialist. - TOM: Oh, my God. 551 00:21:12,255 --> 00:21:14,714 MANCUSO: Hobbies include ruining our lives. 552 00:21:14,716 --> 00:21:17,216 TOM: I don't think she's worked a day in television. 553 00:21:17,218 --> 00:21:18,926 You know, I think she's a pathological liar. 554 00:21:18,928 --> 00:21:21,429 I wish I was a woman of color so I could just get 555 00:21:21,431 --> 00:21:23,139 any job I want with zero qualifications. 556 00:21:23,141 --> 00:21:25,266 We talked about this. You can't say that. 557 00:21:25,268 --> 00:21:27,977 (CHUCKLING) 558 00:21:27,979 --> 00:21:29,353 Hey, man. 559 00:21:29,355 --> 00:21:31,355 You remember, uh, Molly from earlier? 560 00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:33,774 Yes. She told everyone the show was bad. 561 00:21:33,776 --> 00:21:36,736 That's her. You'll be sharing an office with her. 562 00:21:36,738 --> 00:21:38,740 Brad? Brad. Brad? 563 00:21:41,325 --> 00:21:43,200 This is nice. Who's that? 564 00:21:43,202 --> 00:21:44,910 That's the guy whose desk you're taking. 565 00:21:44,912 --> 00:21:47,079 He was fired last week. 566 00:21:47,081 --> 00:21:49,500 He was my best friend. 567 00:21:59,427 --> 00:22:03,596 So... you must be pretty new, too. 568 00:22:03,598 --> 00:22:05,058 You don't have any stuff. 569 00:22:06,267 --> 00:22:09,101 Oh, I-I've been here 27 years. 570 00:22:09,103 --> 00:22:11,939 In case I get fired, I don't want to get too comfortable. 571 00:22:14,150 --> 00:22:17,359 So, are you gonna tell me about your day? 572 00:22:17,361 --> 00:22:19,153 It was a bit like trying to mount 573 00:22:19,155 --> 00:22:20,529 a prison production of Hamlet. 574 00:22:20,531 --> 00:22:22,198 But at least prisoners get sunlight 575 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,742 - and exercise once a day. - (LAUGHS) 576 00:22:24,744 --> 00:22:26,702 That sounds very promising. 577 00:22:26,704 --> 00:22:28,871 You always worked best with a captive audience. 578 00:22:28,873 --> 00:22:31,415 (LAUGHS) 579 00:22:31,417 --> 00:22:33,459 Right now it is a hostile environment 580 00:22:33,461 --> 00:22:35,711 in which to be an educated white male. 581 00:22:35,713 --> 00:22:38,380 I mean, it's staggering how unfair it is, okay? 582 00:22:38,382 --> 00:22:40,716 Staggering. 583 00:22:40,718 --> 00:22:42,384 Yeah, they completely overlooked my brother. 584 00:22:42,386 --> 00:22:43,969 All right. 585 00:22:43,971 --> 00:22:45,346 She's, like, a diversity hire or something. 586 00:22:45,348 --> 00:22:46,806 Man, she'll be here 13 weeks. 587 00:22:46,808 --> 00:22:48,601 She's, like, a single mom or something. 588 00:22:51,104 --> 00:22:52,520 Hey. 589 00:22:52,522 --> 00:22:54,188 I'm not a single mom, by the way. 590 00:22:54,190 --> 00:22:55,439 I just look like one. 591 00:22:55,441 --> 00:22:57,066 And I guess I dress like one. 592 00:22:57,068 --> 00:22:59,527 No, I... I-I wasn't talking about you. 593 00:22:59,529 --> 00:23:01,612 - Then who were you talking about? - Uh, my... 594 00:23:01,614 --> 00:23:03,280 cleaning lady. 595 00:23:03,282 --> 00:23:04,992 Your brother lost a job to your housekeeper? 596 00:23:06,035 --> 00:23:07,409 - Yep. - Whatever. 597 00:23:07,411 --> 00:23:08,869 Just so you know, I'd rather be 598 00:23:08,871 --> 00:23:10,329 a diversity hire than a nepotism hire. 599 00:23:10,331 --> 00:23:12,039 'Cause at least I had to beat out 600 00:23:12,041 --> 00:23:13,499 every minority and woman to get here. 601 00:23:13,501 --> 00:23:17,211 You just had to be born. 602 00:23:17,213 --> 00:23:19,880 TOM: Hey, you know, one of my grandparents was an immigrant. 603 00:23:19,882 --> 00:23:21,757 This documentary was insane. 604 00:23:21,759 --> 00:23:23,217 It said, basically, we're all covered 605 00:23:23,219 --> 00:23:25,052 in, like, tiny bugs and... 606 00:23:25,054 --> 00:23:27,265 - Oh. - No cupcakes today. 607 00:23:38,901 --> 00:23:41,360 So, Molly, what is your deal? 608 00:23:41,362 --> 00:23:44,488 Well, I am from central Pennsylvania. I love to laugh. 609 00:23:44,490 --> 00:23:46,532 No, boring. Like, what do you hate? 610 00:23:46,534 --> 00:23:48,993 What neighborhood do you live in? Who are you fucking? 611 00:23:48,995 --> 00:23:51,829 Uh, I, uh... I hate injustice. 612 00:23:51,831 --> 00:23:53,330 (TOM SCOFFS) 613 00:23:53,332 --> 00:23:55,708 I live with my aunt and uncle in Queens. 614 00:23:55,710 --> 00:23:57,960 And I'm not sleeping with anybody. 615 00:23:57,962 --> 00:24:00,045 - Where'd you go to school? - Luzerne Community College. 616 00:24:00,047 --> 00:24:02,006 - Loser Community College? - (LAUGHTER) 617 00:24:02,008 --> 00:24:04,175 - Luzerne. - Oh, 'cause it really sounded like you said "loser." 618 00:24:04,177 --> 00:24:06,385 - Yeah, but why would I say that? - Don't listen to them. 619 00:24:06,387 --> 00:24:08,554 I dropped out of high school and worked at the docks. 620 00:24:08,556 --> 00:24:10,389 That's why I write so many jokes about seagulls. 621 00:24:10,391 --> 00:24:12,600 So, what is the stage like? I cannot wait to see it. 622 00:24:12,602 --> 00:24:14,518 We're not allowed on the stage. Only Brad and Tom. 623 00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,312 TOM: Yeah, I'm head monologue writer. 624 00:24:16,314 --> 00:24:18,772 You are? 'Cause you hadn't mentioned it in ten minutes. 625 00:24:18,774 --> 00:24:20,149 - I was worried. - (LAUGHS) 626 00:24:20,151 --> 00:24:21,567 Wait, so you all write on the show, 627 00:24:21,569 --> 00:24:23,154 and you've never been to the stage? 628 00:24:24,197 --> 00:24:25,696 Okay. Okay. 629 00:24:25,698 --> 00:24:27,531 This is how it works. 630 00:24:27,533 --> 00:24:29,158 The writers are supposed 631 00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:31,493 - to get here at 10:00. - Good morning. 632 00:24:31,495 --> 00:24:33,495 I usually get here at 9:00. 633 00:24:33,497 --> 00:24:35,206 Then we go into our offices and read 634 00:24:35,208 --> 00:24:36,916 the newspaper headlines for joke ideas. 635 00:24:36,918 --> 00:24:39,793 Some of us are a little more focused than others. 636 00:24:39,795 --> 00:24:41,879 Then we submit our jokes to Brad, who makes his selects. 637 00:24:41,881 --> 00:24:43,839 That's what makes it in the show. 638 00:24:43,841 --> 00:24:45,382 - Here you go. - I usually get some good stuff in there. 639 00:24:45,384 --> 00:24:46,926 Ah! 640 00:24:46,928 --> 00:24:48,260 Then we meet up in the writers' room 641 00:24:48,262 --> 00:24:49,887 to go over Brad's selects. 642 00:24:49,889 --> 00:24:52,348 - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Oh, kiss my ass! 643 00:24:52,350 --> 00:24:54,308 Then at 6:30, the show starts taping, 644 00:24:54,310 --> 00:24:55,684 and we all watch. 645 00:24:55,686 --> 00:24:58,604 And that is how we make a TV show. 646 00:24:58,606 --> 00:25:01,941 So you never interact with her once the entire day? 647 00:25:01,943 --> 00:25:04,237 Until yesterday, most of us hadn't even met her. 648 00:25:06,239 --> 00:25:08,489 - (TOILET FLUSHES) - Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. 649 00:25:08,491 --> 00:25:09,740 I thought this was the women's room. 650 00:25:09,742 --> 00:25:11,367 No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. 651 00:25:11,369 --> 00:25:12,826 You're right. It is... it is the women's room. 652 00:25:12,828 --> 00:25:14,328 We just... we haven't had a woman here 653 00:25:14,330 --> 00:25:17,206 in, like, ever, so yeah, we use it. 654 00:25:17,208 --> 00:25:18,832 Doesn't Katherine mind? 655 00:25:18,834 --> 00:25:20,292 You kidding me? No, she doesn't come in here. 656 00:25:20,294 --> 00:25:21,669 She has her own bathroom. 657 00:25:21,671 --> 00:25:23,837 We actually... we-we come in here to... 658 00:25:23,839 --> 00:25:25,589 to take a shit. 659 00:25:25,591 --> 00:25:29,551 I don't understand anything about this job. 660 00:25:29,553 --> 00:25:32,054 Well, you're right about not being allowed on set. 661 00:25:32,056 --> 00:25:33,389 It's fucked up. 662 00:25:33,391 --> 00:25:35,140 So, why don't you say something? 663 00:25:35,142 --> 00:25:37,309 (LAUGHS) Like, "See Something, Say Something"? 664 00:25:37,311 --> 00:25:39,311 Because it's not airport security, Molly. 665 00:25:39,313 --> 00:25:40,813 It's a TV show. 666 00:25:40,815 --> 00:25:45,317 And she's not the, uh, classy role model 667 00:25:45,319 --> 00:25:47,780 you've been watching on TV for 20 years. 668 00:25:50,449 --> 00:25:52,032 Hey, you know... you know what? 669 00:25:52,034 --> 00:25:54,159 I'm doing stand-up tomorrow night, all right? 670 00:25:54,161 --> 00:25:55,703 Come see me. 671 00:25:55,705 --> 00:25:57,748 We'll get a drink after. 672 00:25:59,625 --> 00:26:01,294 (DOOR OPENS) 673 00:26:02,378 --> 00:26:03,752 (DOOR CLOSES) 674 00:26:03,754 --> 00:26:05,129 Okay. Let's get going, everybody. 675 00:26:05,131 --> 00:26:06,964 One, you're up. 676 00:26:06,966 --> 00:26:09,466 I have an idea entitled "Hollywood Zoo." 677 00:26:09,468 --> 00:26:11,635 It's animals that look like celebrities. 678 00:26:11,637 --> 00:26:14,888 - No. - And... or celebrities that look like animals? 679 00:26:14,890 --> 00:26:16,849 Can I? Okay. 680 00:26:16,851 --> 00:26:19,270 "Shrimp My Ride." 681 00:26:20,479 --> 00:26:22,062 "Fancy Pelosi." 682 00:26:22,064 --> 00:26:24,815 "Celebrity Fitted-Sheet Folding Challenge." 683 00:26:24,817 --> 00:26:26,358 Yeah, we worked on that together. 684 00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:27,651 It's where we have you and a celebrity race 685 00:26:27,653 --> 00:26:28,986 to fold a fitted sheet. 686 00:26:28,988 --> 00:26:30,988 (CHUCKLES) You know what? Forget it. 687 00:26:30,990 --> 00:26:33,532 Can I just remind everybody here 688 00:26:33,534 --> 00:26:37,119 that the stakes could not be higher. 689 00:26:37,121 --> 00:26:38,787 - Two, go. - Uh, okay. 690 00:26:38,789 --> 00:26:40,539 So, the Miss America pageant 691 00:26:40,541 --> 00:26:42,499 and the Westminster Dog Show are both the same week. 692 00:26:42,501 --> 00:26:44,335 So I thought, why not combine the two? 693 00:26:44,337 --> 00:26:45,961 We ask the girls to run around in a circle, 694 00:26:45,963 --> 00:26:48,130 and we ask the dogs their take on immigration. 695 00:26:48,132 --> 00:26:50,424 Oh, the Miss America pageant. 696 00:26:50,426 --> 00:26:52,551 The scholarship competition where it's still appropriate 697 00:26:52,553 --> 00:26:54,303 to ask a beautiful teenager from Tampa 698 00:26:54,305 --> 00:26:55,679 who can't afford college 699 00:26:55,681 --> 00:26:57,723 but who can afford breast implants 700 00:26:57,725 --> 00:26:59,099 about world peace. 701 00:26:59,101 --> 00:27:00,059 No, we're not gonna be doing that. 702 00:27:00,061 --> 00:27:01,143 Where's John Phillips? 703 00:27:01,145 --> 00:27:02,061 I want to hear his pitches. 704 00:27:02,063 --> 00:27:04,607 - Um... - Um... 705 00:27:06,067 --> 00:27:07,232 What? 706 00:27:07,234 --> 00:27:10,819 Uh, John died in 2012. 707 00:27:10,821 --> 00:27:12,446 John's dead? Are you kidding me? 708 00:27:12,448 --> 00:27:15,157 About the death of our coworker? No. 709 00:27:15,159 --> 00:27:16,700 Oh, that's terrible. 710 00:27:16,702 --> 00:27:19,119 - He was so funny. - Yeah. 711 00:27:19,121 --> 00:27:20,996 Eight, what? 712 00:27:20,998 --> 00:27:23,415 First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. 713 00:27:23,417 --> 00:27:25,167 He sounded like an incredible person. 714 00:27:25,169 --> 00:27:27,544 Second, I'm really honored 715 00:27:27,546 --> 00:27:29,588 to be presenting my ideas here today. 716 00:27:29,590 --> 00:27:31,632 Oh, God, I wish I was John Phillips. 717 00:27:31,634 --> 00:27:33,509 So, I thought I would take a step back 718 00:27:33,511 --> 00:27:35,260 and see what wasn't working. 719 00:27:35,262 --> 00:27:37,137 This is what I do at quality control 720 00:27:37,139 --> 00:27:39,390 at the chemical plant, and I thought I would do that here. 721 00:27:39,392 --> 00:27:42,851 The headline of my analysis is "Complacency." 722 00:27:42,853 --> 00:27:45,521 And I noticed that there's three major areas 723 00:27:45,523 --> 00:27:47,314 where there could be a lot of improvement. 724 00:27:47,316 --> 00:27:49,441 The first is your overall unwillingness to do 725 00:27:49,443 --> 00:27:51,318 high-concept recurring bits... you know, where you have to 726 00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,112 physically leave the studio. 727 00:27:53,114 --> 00:27:55,322 Those are the ones that can go viral if executed well. 728 00:27:55,324 --> 00:27:59,284 The second is your total lack of presence on social media. 729 00:27:59,286 --> 00:28:01,662 You seem to have contempt for it, which feels ill-advised 730 00:28:01,664 --> 00:28:04,289 because most of your audience is watching on their phones. 731 00:28:04,291 --> 00:28:06,417 The third: I think people get very excited 732 00:28:06,419 --> 00:28:08,210 when you share your beliefs. 733 00:28:08,212 --> 00:28:10,212 So, what you just said about the Miss America pageant, 734 00:28:10,214 --> 00:28:11,839 that was awesome. 735 00:28:11,841 --> 00:28:13,841 When you reveal those kind of strong opinions, 736 00:28:13,843 --> 00:28:16,009 it's when you really come alive as a performer. 737 00:28:16,011 --> 00:28:18,512 That's when I come alive as a performer? 738 00:28:18,514 --> 00:28:20,305 - Yeah. - Can I see that? 739 00:28:20,307 --> 00:28:22,226 Absolutely. 740 00:28:23,978 --> 00:28:25,894 I just want to say, I'm no longer attached 741 00:28:25,896 --> 00:28:27,563 to this idea in any shape or form. 742 00:28:27,565 --> 00:28:29,982 Thank you so much. 743 00:28:29,984 --> 00:28:32,111 (SIGHS) 744 00:28:34,071 --> 00:28:35,946 Mm-hmm. (CLICKS TONGUE) 745 00:28:35,948 --> 00:28:39,116 So, what's the solution? 746 00:28:39,118 --> 00:28:41,326 Oh, I don't have one. 747 00:28:41,328 --> 00:28:43,912 Just to be clear, you don't have any new ideas or jokes? 748 00:28:43,914 --> 00:28:45,956 No. 749 00:28:45,958 --> 00:28:47,833 KATHERINE: Okay, I've been doing this job 750 00:28:47,835 --> 00:28:49,460 for nearly 30 years, and I know what works. 751 00:28:49,462 --> 00:28:51,378 And I'll tell you what doesn't work: 752 00:28:51,380 --> 00:28:53,422 an absurdly confident newcomer coming in, criticizing my show 753 00:28:53,424 --> 00:28:56,717 and giving me her assessment of my comic persona 754 00:28:56,719 --> 00:28:59,636 without doing the hard work of presenting me with solutions. 755 00:28:59,638 --> 00:29:01,680 This-this room is a ship. 756 00:29:01,682 --> 00:29:03,348 I am the captain, and you have barely 757 00:29:03,350 --> 00:29:04,892 earned the right to be an oar. 758 00:29:04,894 --> 00:29:07,938 Do I make myself clear, Eight? 759 00:29:09,106 --> 00:29:11,815 (SIGHS) I have not changed. 760 00:29:11,817 --> 00:29:13,734 The audience has changed. They don't want smart comedy. 761 00:29:13,736 --> 00:29:15,736 They want Kevin Hart on a Slip 'N Slide, 762 00:29:15,738 --> 00:29:17,404 so let's just give them what they want. 763 00:29:17,406 --> 00:29:19,573 Who's the most tacky famous person out there? 764 00:29:19,575 --> 00:29:21,116 Reality star? 765 00:29:21,118 --> 00:29:22,826 No, a YouTube celebrity. There was one at the club 766 00:29:22,828 --> 00:29:24,703 I was at last night, and I got trampled. 767 00:29:24,705 --> 00:29:26,413 It was the most glamorous thing that's ever happened to me 768 00:29:26,415 --> 00:29:27,831 - in my entire life. - (SIGHS) What? 769 00:29:27,833 --> 00:29:29,291 Wait. Come on, we're-we're not really 770 00:29:29,293 --> 00:29:30,417 considering doing this, though, right? 771 00:29:30,419 --> 00:29:32,044 - Mimi Mismatch. - Who? 772 00:29:32,046 --> 00:29:33,921 She is a YouTube star who does comic sketches 773 00:29:33,923 --> 00:29:35,589 in the basement of her parents' house. 774 00:29:35,591 --> 00:29:37,299 - Oh, my God. - Uh, uh, she has 775 00:29:37,301 --> 00:29:38,884 - 25 million Twitter followers. - Okay. 776 00:29:38,886 --> 00:29:40,802 My daughters are obsessed with her. She, um... 777 00:29:40,804 --> 00:29:42,804 Just book her, book her, book her. 778 00:29:42,806 --> 00:29:44,850 ♪ ♪ 779 00:29:48,020 --> 00:29:50,481 - (CRYING) - (DOOR OPENS) 780 00:29:53,984 --> 00:29:56,028 Sorry. 781 00:29:58,948 --> 00:30:01,031 I really got to go. 782 00:30:01,033 --> 00:30:03,075 - Oh, God. - I'm sorry. Yeah. 783 00:30:03,077 --> 00:30:05,619 - Or I can... you can... - I... Okay, okay. 784 00:30:05,621 --> 00:30:07,414 Okay. 785 00:30:10,376 --> 00:30:12,084 (MOLLY CRYING) 786 00:30:12,086 --> 00:30:14,046 Oh, my God. 787 00:30:16,799 --> 00:30:19,051 (SIGHS) Okay. 788 00:30:21,345 --> 00:30:23,470 This has to stop. 789 00:30:23,472 --> 00:30:26,265 (CRYING CONTINUES) 790 00:30:26,267 --> 00:30:28,433 - (GRUNTS) - MOLLY (CRYING): I don't know. 791 00:30:28,435 --> 00:30:31,061 Maybe I should just move back to Pennsylvania. 792 00:30:31,063 --> 00:30:33,313 Can I give you some advice? 793 00:30:33,315 --> 00:30:35,023 You need to shut the fuck up. 794 00:30:35,025 --> 00:30:36,608 Excuse me? 795 00:30:36,610 --> 00:30:38,735 If you hear something you don't agree with, 796 00:30:38,737 --> 00:30:41,405 you have to resist the urge to give your opinion. 797 00:30:41,407 --> 00:30:43,031 I will not be marginalized 798 00:30:43,033 --> 00:30:45,158 by the iron fist of white privilege 799 00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:47,202 that pervades this work environment. 800 00:30:47,204 --> 00:30:50,122 I am not trying to silence your strong female Indian 801 00:30:50,124 --> 00:30:52,749 woman of color spirit, hashtag MeToo, 802 00:30:52,751 --> 00:30:54,376 TransIsBeautiful, blah, blah, blah. 803 00:30:54,378 --> 00:30:57,254 You're still a new writer with no experience. 804 00:30:57,256 --> 00:31:00,716 You need to stop giving advice and write something. 805 00:31:00,718 --> 00:31:02,676 You're a writer, so write. 806 00:31:02,678 --> 00:31:04,428 Okay. 807 00:31:04,430 --> 00:31:06,138 Come on. You get more work done 808 00:31:06,140 --> 00:31:07,889 on top of the desk than under it. 809 00:31:07,891 --> 00:31:10,892 - It's gonna be all right. - Thank you. 810 00:31:10,894 --> 00:31:13,270 KATHERINE (ON MONITOR): ...because of a coyote warning. 811 00:31:13,272 --> 00:31:15,188 Not to worry, though... they managed to get out 812 00:31:15,190 --> 00:31:17,816 in the nick of time. Beep, beep. 813 00:31:17,818 --> 00:31:20,235 I don't... I don't understand that. 814 00:31:20,237 --> 00:31:22,321 BRAD (IMITATING ROAD RUNNER): Meep, meep. Meep, meep. 815 00:31:22,323 --> 00:31:23,947 Burditt, what are they doing? 816 00:31:23,949 --> 00:31:25,657 They're practicing the monologue. 817 00:31:25,659 --> 00:31:27,326 - It's the Road Runner thing. - Oh, the Road Runner. 818 00:31:27,328 --> 00:31:29,369 - What, the enemy of Wile E. Coyote? - Meep, meep. 819 00:31:29,371 --> 00:31:31,038 BRAD: Yeah, exactly. 820 00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:32,873 KATHERINE (ON COMPUTER): Today, while President Bush 821 00:31:32,875 --> 00:31:35,834 underwent a medical procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney 822 00:31:35,836 --> 00:31:37,919 was acting president for two hours and 15 minutes, 823 00:31:37,921 --> 00:31:41,006 which is longer than any woman. 824 00:31:41,008 --> 00:31:43,218 - That's it. That's the joke. - (LAUGHTER) 825 00:31:52,728 --> 00:31:54,478 Okay, so I think we're good for the monologue 826 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:55,896 unless I'm, uh, missing something. 827 00:31:55,898 --> 00:31:57,358 I have some jokes for the monologue. 828 00:31:58,776 --> 00:32:01,068 Uh, well, you don't write the monologue. 829 00:32:01,070 --> 00:32:02,778 Yeah, but I wrote some jokes for it. 830 00:32:02,780 --> 00:32:03,820 And I have some ideas for Katherine's hair, 831 00:32:03,822 --> 00:32:04,821 but that's not my job. 832 00:32:04,823 --> 00:32:06,490 Seven, shut up. 833 00:32:06,492 --> 00:32:08,160 Eight, for God's sake, go. 834 00:32:09,745 --> 00:32:12,204 I shouldn't do this in an English accent, should I? 835 00:32:12,206 --> 00:32:13,997 No. 836 00:32:13,999 --> 00:32:16,208 Three Republican senators are proposing a bill 837 00:32:16,210 --> 00:32:18,126 to yet again defund Planned Parenthood. 838 00:32:18,128 --> 00:32:20,879 As always, the men most obsessed with women's sex lives 839 00:32:20,881 --> 00:32:22,422 are the ones getting laid the least. 840 00:32:22,424 --> 00:32:23,965 - (CHUCKLES) - I never thought I'd say this, 841 00:32:23,967 --> 00:32:25,550 but thank God I'm going through menopause. 842 00:32:25,552 --> 00:32:27,469 Good Lord, Eight. 843 00:32:27,471 --> 00:32:29,429 Well, you're the only late-night talk-show host 844 00:32:29,431 --> 00:32:30,764 who can make that joke. 845 00:32:30,766 --> 00:32:31,932 Plus, you're pro-choice, aren't you? 846 00:32:31,934 --> 00:32:33,767 I am. What do you think, Seven? 847 00:32:33,769 --> 00:32:35,644 My philosophy is that the show is generally better 848 00:32:35,646 --> 00:32:37,104 without the specter of abortion in it. 849 00:32:37,106 --> 00:32:38,355 But, you know, that's just me. 850 00:32:38,357 --> 00:32:40,315 I think it's audacious. 851 00:32:40,317 --> 00:32:43,110 Do... do people really want to hear about menopause? 852 00:32:43,112 --> 00:32:44,569 'Cause I-I don't. 853 00:32:44,571 --> 00:32:45,946 I don't know, I kind of liked it. 854 00:32:45,948 --> 00:32:47,698 BRAD: No, no, it is too political. 855 00:32:47,700 --> 00:32:49,991 - We don't do that. - We haven't done that in a while. 856 00:32:49,993 --> 00:32:51,368 Okay, so we'll start with fracking 857 00:32:51,370 --> 00:32:53,245 and we work our way up to abortion. 858 00:32:53,247 --> 00:32:55,791 People would talk about it, for sure. And you believe it. 859 00:32:56,834 --> 00:32:58,417 It's a bit long. 860 00:32:58,419 --> 00:33:01,004 Trim it and put it in the monologue. 861 00:33:02,256 --> 00:33:03,672 Okay. 862 00:33:03,674 --> 00:33:06,049 KATHERINE (OVER MONITOR): ...to Vegas, 863 00:33:06,051 --> 00:33:07,509 40 tourists were... 864 00:33:07,511 --> 00:33:09,302 Listen, you've written it out with 40. 865 00:33:09,304 --> 00:33:10,679 No, not make it bigger. 866 00:33:10,681 --> 00:33:12,514 - Make it wide... - That's got to be a word. 867 00:33:12,516 --> 00:33:14,349 - BRAD: Yeah. - Okay, but don't change it now. 868 00:33:14,351 --> 00:33:15,851 There's no point. Okay. 869 00:33:15,853 --> 00:33:17,436 Today, in Las Vegas, 40 tourists were... 870 00:33:17,438 --> 00:33:18,895 Burditt, I'm going to the bathroom. 871 00:33:18,897 --> 00:33:21,108 You never have to tell me that. 872 00:33:22,151 --> 00:33:25,193 ♪ ♪ 873 00:33:25,195 --> 00:33:27,156 - (BELL RINGS) - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 874 00:33:33,829 --> 00:33:36,580 "I have spread my dreams under your feet. 875 00:33:36,582 --> 00:33:40,125 Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." 876 00:33:40,127 --> 00:33:42,169 Is that William Butler Yeats? 877 00:33:42,171 --> 00:33:44,337 - Oh. - (BAND WARMING UP) 878 00:33:44,339 --> 00:33:46,882 - Uh, yeah, it is. - You're not supposed to be here. 879 00:33:46,884 --> 00:33:50,177 - What? - (BAND PLAYING SHOW THEME) 880 00:33:50,179 --> 00:33:51,638 - All right. - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) 881 00:33:59,396 --> 00:34:01,104 Mimi Mismatch is here. 882 00:34:01,106 --> 00:34:02,898 I got a selfie. 883 00:34:02,900 --> 00:34:05,275 Maybe now my daughters will start talking to me again. 884 00:34:05,277 --> 00:34:07,944 So, you're doing the Planned Parenthood joke? 885 00:34:07,946 --> 00:34:10,614 - Mm-hmm. - Be careful of showing who you are. 886 00:34:10,616 --> 00:34:12,407 Once you turn that switch on, 887 00:34:12,409 --> 00:34:14,119 you can never turn it off again. 888 00:34:21,710 --> 00:34:24,628 ANNOUNCER: Katherine Newbury. 889 00:34:24,630 --> 00:34:26,421 - (CROWD LAUGHING) - Yeah. 890 00:34:26,423 --> 00:34:30,050 And I have not seen anyone so poorly received 891 00:34:30,052 --> 00:34:31,510 since I took a peanut butter sandwich 892 00:34:31,512 --> 00:34:32,803 into an elementary school. 893 00:34:32,805 --> 00:34:35,641 (LAUGHTER) 894 00:34:37,351 --> 00:34:40,101 It was announced today Starbucks will no longer 895 00:34:40,103 --> 00:34:42,187 be requiring a purchase to use their restrooms. 896 00:34:42,189 --> 00:34:45,065 Oh, no. I'm worried they might get disgusting. 897 00:34:45,067 --> 00:34:46,316 (LAUGHTER) 898 00:34:46,318 --> 00:34:47,734 (WHISPERS): My joke's next. 899 00:34:47,736 --> 00:34:48,821 (CHUCKLES) Yeah. 900 00:34:55,536 --> 00:34:58,495 So, there's an owl that's been dive-bombing tourists 901 00:34:58,497 --> 00:35:00,247 - in Times Square. - She skipped it. 902 00:35:00,249 --> 00:35:01,790 KATHERINE: Very dramatic. 903 00:35:01,792 --> 00:35:03,500 Not the only species angry about the price 904 00:35:03,502 --> 00:35:07,295 - of Hamilton tickets, I see. - (LAUGHTER) 905 00:35:07,297 --> 00:35:09,464 (BAND PLAYING SHOW THEME) 906 00:35:09,466 --> 00:35:11,049 We're back. I'm excited. 907 00:35:11,051 --> 00:35:14,177 I'm here with YouTube phenomenon Mimi Mismatch. 908 00:35:14,179 --> 00:35:16,515 - (CHEERING) - (MIMI LAUGHING) 909 00:35:19,685 --> 00:35:22,853 And the bit that launched you into superstardom, really, 910 00:35:22,855 --> 00:35:26,356 was you with your dog... Lenny. Here he is. 911 00:35:26,358 --> 00:35:29,025 And you sniffing his butt, sniffing Lenny's butt, 912 00:35:29,027 --> 00:35:31,653 and you pretend to faint. 913 00:35:31,655 --> 00:35:33,947 (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) 914 00:35:33,949 --> 00:35:36,533 Because it smelled real bad. Yeah. 915 00:35:36,535 --> 00:35:40,495 And, um, how on earth did you come up with that? 916 00:35:40,497 --> 00:35:42,831 My dog Lenny had colitis 917 00:35:42,833 --> 00:35:46,585 and, for a while, had a real smelly butt. 918 00:35:46,587 --> 00:35:49,546 So I took my life, and I filmed it, 919 00:35:49,548 --> 00:35:52,924 because I find that the best comedy comes from truth. 920 00:35:52,926 --> 00:35:54,426 How wise. 921 00:35:54,428 --> 00:35:56,803 And these little videos of yours 922 00:35:56,805 --> 00:35:59,472 are your, as it were, contribution to the world? 923 00:35:59,474 --> 00:36:02,809 Your way of pushing mankind forward? 924 00:36:02,811 --> 00:36:04,603 - (LAUGHTER) - Well, they're fun. 925 00:36:04,605 --> 00:36:07,939 What would you say was your calling? 926 00:36:07,941 --> 00:36:09,816 My calling? 927 00:36:09,818 --> 00:36:11,985 Yes, I mean, what is it you're most passionate about? 928 00:36:11,987 --> 00:36:14,988 Is it dog butt videos, or would you ever expand 929 00:36:14,990 --> 00:36:17,782 into... cat butt videos, say? 930 00:36:17,784 --> 00:36:20,327 (CROWD LAUGHING, GROANING) 931 00:36:20,329 --> 00:36:22,078 I know what you're doing. 932 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,122 - Excuse me? - You're mocking me. 933 00:36:24,124 --> 00:36:27,208 You think that because my videos are light and silly 934 00:36:27,210 --> 00:36:29,794 that I'm somehow intellectually inferior to you? 935 00:36:29,796 --> 00:36:32,047 The only reason that I said yes to this talk show 936 00:36:32,049 --> 00:36:34,633 is because my mom said you were smart. 937 00:36:34,635 --> 00:36:37,177 But now I see that you are just a bitter, out of touch, 938 00:36:37,179 --> 00:36:39,137 - old lady who's mean to people she's... - Go, go. 939 00:36:39,139 --> 00:36:40,847 - ...never even met before. - Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. 940 00:36:40,849 --> 00:36:42,390 - (BAND PLAYING) - And the fact of the matter is... 941 00:36:42,392 --> 00:36:44,267 is that you need me, not the other way around. 942 00:36:44,269 --> 00:36:45,268 Bye. 943 00:36:45,270 --> 00:36:47,481 ♪ ♪ 944 00:36:48,690 --> 00:36:50,774 - (BUZZER BLARES) - Uh, I don't know. 945 00:36:50,776 --> 00:36:52,817 - I'm sorry about that. - Did you not prep her? 946 00:36:52,819 --> 00:36:54,861 (HORN HONKING) 947 00:36:54,863 --> 00:36:56,571 - Who here is good at sex? - MAN: Yeah! 948 00:36:56,573 --> 00:36:58,198 - (CHEERING, WHOOPING) - Oh, all right, okay. 949 00:36:58,200 --> 00:37:00,283 - (LAUGHTER) - Now, I think 950 00:37:00,285 --> 00:37:02,410 that we're all about the same. 951 00:37:02,412 --> 00:37:06,164 All right? 'Cause the truth is there are like ten sex acts. 952 00:37:06,166 --> 00:37:08,708 And-and if you're... if you're an average American guy, 953 00:37:08,710 --> 00:37:10,794 you only need to do the first five. 954 00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:12,337 - (LAUGHTER) - That thought is 955 00:37:12,339 --> 00:37:14,005 entering your head: "I'm gonna go to six. 956 00:37:14,007 --> 00:37:15,423 I'm going..." Especially you. 957 00:37:15,425 --> 00:37:17,842 - Do not go to six. - (LAUGHTER) 958 00:37:17,844 --> 00:37:22,055 'Cause everybody's number six is different. 959 00:37:22,057 --> 00:37:23,348 What was your favorite part? 960 00:37:23,350 --> 00:37:24,849 MOLLY: You assumed I had one? 961 00:37:24,851 --> 00:37:26,977 Yeah. I was watching you, and you liked it. 962 00:37:26,979 --> 00:37:28,395 I did like it. 963 00:37:28,397 --> 00:37:30,605 I-I like how relaxed you are. 964 00:37:30,607 --> 00:37:32,691 Like you're not doing it for them. 965 00:37:32,693 --> 00:37:34,275 You know, you're doing it for you. 966 00:37:34,277 --> 00:37:36,569 I've never been relaxed a day in my life. 967 00:37:36,571 --> 00:37:38,321 No, I know, you're the hardest worker 968 00:37:38,323 --> 00:37:39,990 I've ever met, besides Tom. 969 00:37:39,992 --> 00:37:42,200 Which is probably why he's so threatened by you. 970 00:37:42,202 --> 00:37:43,952 Well, he shouldn't be. Katherine cut my joke. 971 00:37:43,954 --> 00:37:46,329 It was so embarrassing. I told my mom to watch. 972 00:37:46,331 --> 00:37:48,456 Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no, no. 973 00:37:48,458 --> 00:37:50,500 Never tell your parents to watch the show. 974 00:37:50,502 --> 00:37:53,253 That's like guaranteeing that they cut your joke. 975 00:37:53,255 --> 00:37:56,214 Also, um, get ready for this. 976 00:37:56,216 --> 00:37:59,050 Like, you'll spend all day writing 50 jokes, 977 00:37:59,052 --> 00:38:02,345 and they'll cut all of them, and you will have achieved 978 00:38:02,347 --> 00:38:06,349 as much as if you just stayed at home and called in sick. 979 00:38:06,351 --> 00:38:07,726 Okay. 980 00:38:07,728 --> 00:38:09,811 - So let me get this straight. - Mm-hmm. 981 00:38:09,813 --> 00:38:11,771 - Never use the women's restroom. - Mm-hmm. 982 00:38:11,773 --> 00:38:13,481 Never tell your parents to watch the show. 983 00:38:13,483 --> 00:38:15,233 - Mm-hmm. - Don't decorate your office. 984 00:38:15,235 --> 00:38:16,818 - And be fine being completely obsolete. - (CHUCKLING) 985 00:38:16,820 --> 00:38:19,070 So just don't enjoy your job. 986 00:38:19,072 --> 00:38:22,490 - Uh, exactly. Yeah. - Oh. 987 00:38:22,492 --> 00:38:24,659 Oh, Tom tells me you do stand-up. 988 00:38:24,661 --> 00:38:26,327 - Are you good? - Oh, no. 989 00:38:26,329 --> 00:38:28,747 No, it's just a way for me to test out material. 990 00:38:28,749 --> 00:38:30,331 I am emceeing a show soon. 991 00:38:30,333 --> 00:38:32,667 It's a benefit for lung cancer. 992 00:38:32,669 --> 00:38:34,836 That's random. 993 00:38:34,838 --> 00:38:37,589 Not really. My dad died from it. 994 00:38:37,591 --> 00:38:39,382 Oh, fuck. (STAMMERS) 995 00:38:39,384 --> 00:38:41,259 Uh, were you close? 996 00:38:41,261 --> 00:38:42,594 - With my father? - Well... 997 00:38:42,596 --> 00:38:43,928 (LAUGHING): Yeah, I was. I was. 998 00:38:43,930 --> 00:38:45,555 - Now I feel I bad. - Fuck. I'm sorry. 999 00:38:45,557 --> 00:38:46,681 - I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry. 1000 00:38:46,683 --> 00:38:49,267 Do you need a-a good-looking, 1001 00:38:49,269 --> 00:38:52,645 moderately funny stand-up to-to close out the night? 1002 00:38:52,647 --> 00:38:54,689 - Wait, really? - Do you know any? 1003 00:38:54,691 --> 00:38:56,649 (LAUGHS) That would be amazing. 1004 00:38:56,651 --> 00:38:58,443 Why would you do that for me? 1005 00:38:58,445 --> 00:38:59,736 Because I'm a nice guy. 1006 00:38:59,738 --> 00:39:01,446 Okay, I know you're not. 1007 00:39:01,448 --> 00:39:03,615 Look, I know what everyone thinks of me. 1008 00:39:03,617 --> 00:39:06,034 But just because I was lucky enough to get this job 1009 00:39:06,036 --> 00:39:07,744 doesn't mean I'm stupid enough to lose it. 1010 00:39:07,746 --> 00:39:09,662 So, if you think you can sleep with me 1011 00:39:09,664 --> 00:39:10,997 'cause you're not gonna see me 1012 00:39:10,999 --> 00:39:12,373 after three months, you're mistaken. 1013 00:39:12,375 --> 00:39:15,335 Who said anything about sleeping together? 1014 00:39:15,337 --> 00:39:17,380 ♪ ♪ 1015 00:39:19,633 --> 00:39:21,341 - ♪ Oh, my, my, my... ♪ - Okay. 1016 00:39:21,343 --> 00:39:22,592 Thank you. I had a nice time. 1017 00:39:22,594 --> 00:39:23,927 "Thank you"? Wait, whoa, whoa. 1018 00:39:23,929 --> 00:39:24,969 Wait, wait. Where are you going? 1019 00:39:24,971 --> 00:39:26,221 Come over. 1020 00:39:26,223 --> 00:39:27,806 Oh. No. 1021 00:39:27,808 --> 00:39:29,349 No. Thank you. Thank you. 1022 00:39:29,351 --> 00:39:30,850 I just don't think it's a good idea. 1023 00:39:30,852 --> 00:39:32,977 Uh, yeah, no, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1024 00:39:32,979 --> 00:39:34,187 We-we can do this dance. 1025 00:39:34,189 --> 00:39:36,022 - Dance? - Yeah. 1026 00:39:36,024 --> 00:39:38,483 You won't sleep with me now, but you will in three weeks. 1027 00:39:38,485 --> 00:39:40,360 That's... I get it. It's a feminist thing. 1028 00:39:40,362 --> 00:39:41,611 Are you kidding? 1029 00:39:41,613 --> 00:39:43,279 Has this ever worked before? 1030 00:39:43,281 --> 00:39:44,741 (CELL PHONE CHIMES) 1031 00:39:46,576 --> 00:39:48,118 Oh, no. 1032 00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:49,577 What? 1033 00:39:49,579 --> 00:39:52,330 The Mimi interview went viral in a bad way. 1034 00:39:52,332 --> 00:39:54,960 (CROWD GROANING, MURMURING) 1035 00:39:56,670 --> 00:39:59,170 MIMI: You are just a bitter, out of touch, old lady 1036 00:39:59,172 --> 00:40:02,467 who's mean to people she's never even met before, and... 1037 00:40:05,554 --> 00:40:07,971 (PHONE RINGING) 1038 00:40:07,973 --> 00:40:11,391 BRAD: The Mimi thing will blow over. 1039 00:40:11,393 --> 00:40:13,560 Am I like your least favorite aunt? 1040 00:40:13,562 --> 00:40:15,605 All my aunts are dead. 1041 00:40:18,316 --> 00:40:20,859 I need a publicist. 1042 00:40:20,861 --> 00:40:23,486 ROBIN: Making you accessible to the average American... 1043 00:40:23,488 --> 00:40:24,654 that's what I do best. 1044 00:40:24,656 --> 00:40:25,989 I told Leo, "You want an Oscar? 1045 00:40:25,991 --> 00:40:27,323 Fight a bear." 1046 00:40:27,325 --> 00:40:28,825 You're not above the American public 1047 00:40:28,827 --> 00:40:31,161 or looking down at them. You are one of them. 1048 00:40:31,163 --> 00:40:33,037 - You're America's sweetheart, baby. - (BRAD LAUGHS) 1049 00:40:33,039 --> 00:40:35,123 But you got to put in face time with these journalists, 1050 00:40:35,125 --> 00:40:36,624 because they don't want to talk to me, and they certainly 1051 00:40:36,626 --> 00:40:37,584 don't want to talk to Brad. No offense. 1052 00:40:37,586 --> 00:40:38,960 Yeah, no, no. None taken. 1053 00:40:38,962 --> 00:40:40,295 I've been told I have no charisma. 1054 00:40:40,297 --> 00:40:42,839 Exactly. So, what if we threw a party 1055 00:40:42,841 --> 00:40:44,841 at your house and invited the press? 1056 00:40:44,843 --> 00:40:46,843 They could see you in your element. 1057 00:40:46,845 --> 00:40:49,470 You are not some cold witch who hates children. 1058 00:40:49,472 --> 00:40:52,140 You're cozy and domestic. 1059 00:40:52,142 --> 00:40:53,766 - I don't entertain. - You're an entertainer. 1060 00:40:53,768 --> 00:40:55,560 - I'm bad at small talk. - You're a talk-show host. 1061 00:40:55,562 --> 00:40:57,687 - I'm not a people person. - Oh, honey, that's ridiculous. 1062 00:40:57,689 --> 00:40:59,397 If you want to turn this ship around, 1063 00:40:59,399 --> 00:41:00,815 you're gonna have to be. 1064 00:41:00,817 --> 00:41:02,984 How do you feel about extensions? 1065 00:41:02,986 --> 00:41:05,030 ♪ ♪ 1066 00:41:07,449 --> 00:41:10,658 Holy shit, honey. 1067 00:41:10,660 --> 00:41:12,368 (CHUCKLES) 1068 00:41:12,370 --> 00:41:15,413 (WHISPERS): Oh, what am I doing here? 1069 00:41:15,415 --> 00:41:17,498 DANIEL: That's right. What's up, baby? 1070 00:41:17,500 --> 00:41:18,833 - Yes. Blah... - WOMAN: Hey, Daniel. 1071 00:41:18,835 --> 00:41:20,501 MAN: Daniel, you're funny, man. 1072 00:41:20,503 --> 00:41:22,712 Is that, um, that comedian, Daniel... 1073 00:41:22,714 --> 00:41:24,631 - Daniel Tennant. - Hmm. 1074 00:41:24,633 --> 00:41:27,383 (SIGHS) Billy Kastner's done amazing things with his career. 1075 00:41:27,385 --> 00:41:28,676 "You're welcome, America." 1076 00:41:28,678 --> 00:41:30,094 - (CHUCKLES) - BRAD: Oh. 1077 00:41:30,096 --> 00:41:31,596 We're gonna get you some face time. 1078 00:41:31,598 --> 00:41:33,767 You got to just, you know, be cool about it. 1079 00:41:38,855 --> 00:41:40,271 Steve Martin gave it to her. 1080 00:41:40,273 --> 00:41:41,773 Costs more than my apartment. 1081 00:41:41,775 --> 00:41:44,275 It's so beautiful. 1082 00:41:44,277 --> 00:41:45,652 Mm. 1083 00:41:45,654 --> 00:41:47,070 Is that a tag? 1084 00:41:47,072 --> 00:41:48,613 Hmm? No. 1085 00:41:48,615 --> 00:41:50,907 - Well... - Oh, God. 1086 00:41:50,909 --> 00:41:52,617 Fuck. 1087 00:41:52,619 --> 00:41:54,287 Um, what are you doing after this? 1088 00:41:55,580 --> 00:41:57,288 I don't know. 1089 00:41:57,290 --> 00:41:59,084 But I w-will keep you posted. 1090 00:42:03,421 --> 00:42:05,004 - CHARLIE: Hello. - Oh, God. 1091 00:42:05,006 --> 00:42:07,215 - I thought you could use this. - Oh, I could. 1092 00:42:07,217 --> 00:42:08,758 - (CHARLIE CHUCKLES) - (KATHERINE SIGHS) 1093 00:42:08,760 --> 00:42:12,470 I have never fake-smiled so much in my life. 1094 00:42:12,472 --> 00:42:14,764 - Is it obvious? - Very. Yeah. 1095 00:42:14,766 --> 00:42:17,100 It's-it's the same smile you had 1096 00:42:17,102 --> 00:42:19,060 when you lost your first Emmy to John Oliver. 1097 00:42:19,062 --> 00:42:20,520 (BOTH CHUCKLING) 1098 00:42:20,522 --> 00:42:22,063 - Thank you so much for reminding me. - Yeah. 1099 00:42:22,065 --> 00:42:23,731 - Have you got a cigarette? - CHARLIE: Yeah. 1100 00:42:23,733 --> 00:42:26,526 I was... yeah, I was wondering if I'd get a... 1101 00:42:26,528 --> 00:42:29,070 - a chance to talk to you alone. - Stop it, Charlie. 1102 00:42:29,072 --> 00:42:31,574 It was a mistake, and it'll never happen again. 1103 00:42:33,785 --> 00:42:36,369 And that's how I got involved in that charity. 1104 00:42:36,371 --> 00:42:38,540 I'm gonna go talk to some other people. 1105 00:42:40,041 --> 00:42:42,166 - Oh! - Oh, God. - Oh, shit. 1106 00:42:42,168 --> 00:42:44,961 - Oh, I'm so sorry. - Oh, I just got this blazer. 1107 00:42:44,963 --> 00:42:46,838 I need it for "Lampoon" hazing next week. 1108 00:42:46,840 --> 00:42:48,423 TOM: Hayes, remember Molly? 1109 00:42:48,425 --> 00:42:51,467 Yes. Hey, I'm so happy that you got that job. 1110 00:42:51,469 --> 00:42:52,885 It's really cool they did that. 1111 00:42:52,887 --> 00:42:54,053 - It's important. - Yeah. 1112 00:42:54,055 --> 00:42:55,888 Yeah, I think it's important 1113 00:42:55,890 --> 00:42:58,893 that they hire the funniest, most qualified people, too. 1114 00:43:04,649 --> 00:43:07,277 (PIANO PLAYING SLOW MELODY) 1115 00:43:22,542 --> 00:43:24,419 Damn it. 1116 00:43:29,299 --> 00:43:31,132 Can I help you? 1117 00:43:31,134 --> 00:43:33,468 Uh, sorry, I just thought this was an empty room. 1118 00:43:33,470 --> 00:43:35,303 Why were you looking for an empty room? 1119 00:43:35,305 --> 00:43:38,681 Uh, just to be alone for a minute. 1120 00:43:38,683 --> 00:43:40,558 Not to steal anything. 1121 00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:43,561 Uh, although you have a lot of really nice stuff in here. 1122 00:43:43,563 --> 00:43:46,022 I'm not a thief, though. My name is Molly. 1123 00:43:46,024 --> 00:43:48,066 Hello, Molly, who's not a thief. 1124 00:43:48,068 --> 00:43:50,610 I know who you are, by the way. 1125 00:43:50,612 --> 00:43:52,612 You're Walter Lovell. 1126 00:43:52,614 --> 00:43:55,615 It's such an honor to meet you. You were one of the greats. 1127 00:43:55,617 --> 00:43:57,116 "Were." Jesus Christ. 1128 00:43:57,118 --> 00:43:58,618 Oh, no, no. 1129 00:43:58,620 --> 00:44:01,329 No, I mean, you're still amazing. (CHUCKLES) 1130 00:44:01,331 --> 00:44:04,082 I mean, aren't you a professor emeritus at NYU? 1131 00:44:04,084 --> 00:44:05,333 "Emeritus" is what they call you 1132 00:44:05,335 --> 00:44:06,751 when you're not dead yet 1133 00:44:06,753 --> 00:44:08,419 but they don't want you to come in. 1134 00:44:08,421 --> 00:44:09,754 (CHUCKLES) 1135 00:44:09,756 --> 00:44:11,756 I actually know what that's like. 1136 00:44:11,758 --> 00:44:13,174 I write on the show. 1137 00:44:13,176 --> 00:44:14,801 Your wife doesn't like me very much. 1138 00:44:14,803 --> 00:44:16,719 - Mm. - Why aren't you downstairs 1139 00:44:16,721 --> 00:44:18,304 with the rest of the party? 1140 00:44:18,306 --> 00:44:20,306 I think people have a better time 1141 00:44:20,308 --> 00:44:23,434 when they don't have to pretend they don't notice me twitching. 1142 00:44:23,436 --> 00:44:25,019 It's called neuropathy. 1143 00:44:25,021 --> 00:44:27,897 One of the symptoms of Parkinson's disease. 1144 00:44:27,899 --> 00:44:29,315 A piece of advice: 1145 00:44:29,317 --> 00:44:31,442 don't marry a man until he gives you 1146 00:44:31,444 --> 00:44:33,611 a complete genetic profile. 1147 00:44:33,613 --> 00:44:36,030 (CHUCKLES) Luckily for me, there is 1148 00:44:36,032 --> 00:44:37,990 literally no interest from any man. 1149 00:44:37,992 --> 00:44:40,993 About Katherine: 1150 00:44:40,995 --> 00:44:42,870 Be useful. 1151 00:44:42,872 --> 00:44:45,581 Make it so that even if she doesn't like you, 1152 00:44:45,583 --> 00:44:47,085 she needs you. 1153 00:44:49,671 --> 00:44:51,254 If it's okay with you, 1154 00:44:51,256 --> 00:44:53,131 I'd like to stay here a little while 1155 00:44:53,133 --> 00:44:54,674 and just listen to you play. 1156 00:44:54,676 --> 00:44:56,344 All right. 1157 00:44:57,887 --> 00:44:59,931 ♪ ♪ 1158 00:45:02,767 --> 00:45:05,184 You have said "the only true meritocracy is in comedy." 1159 00:45:05,186 --> 00:45:06,727 Indeed, yes. I mean, it doesn't matter 1160 00:45:06,729 --> 00:45:08,271 where you're from, what you look like, 1161 00:45:08,273 --> 00:45:10,022 how much money your parents have. 1162 00:45:10,024 --> 00:45:12,150 Funny is funny, and that's meritocracy. 1163 00:45:12,152 --> 00:45:13,609 As long as you're white, 1164 00:45:13,611 --> 00:45:15,820 male and from an elite college, right? 1165 00:45:15,822 --> 00:45:17,989 Because that's all your writing staff is comprised of. 1166 00:45:17,991 --> 00:45:19,657 (CROWD GASPING, MURMURING) 1167 00:45:19,659 --> 00:45:21,784 MOLLY: I write on the show. 1168 00:45:21,786 --> 00:45:24,662 And I definitely didn't go to a fancy college. 1169 00:45:24,664 --> 00:45:26,289 Tell me, does Katherine know your name? 1170 00:45:26,291 --> 00:45:28,418 I heard she refers to the writers by number. 1171 00:45:30,336 --> 00:45:32,420 I am called Eight. 1172 00:45:32,422 --> 00:45:33,838 - (CROWD MURMURING) - Because Katherine said 1173 00:45:33,840 --> 00:45:35,131 she couldn't be bothered to learn 1174 00:45:35,133 --> 00:45:36,674 everyone's name, so she just 1175 00:45:36,676 --> 00:45:38,926 pointed at the writers and shouted numbers 1176 00:45:38,928 --> 00:45:40,847 - and named me Eight. - (CROWD MURMURING) 1177 00:45:42,557 --> 00:45:45,433 Yeah, she also keeps us in cages and doesn't feed us. 1178 00:45:45,435 --> 00:45:48,269 - (LAUGHTER) - But she does let us 1179 00:45:48,271 --> 00:45:50,146 go to the bathroom once a day. 1180 00:45:50,148 --> 00:45:52,148 No, of course she knows our names. 1181 00:45:52,150 --> 00:45:54,817 My name is Molly. You have some bad information. 1182 00:45:54,819 --> 00:45:57,320 Yes, you do. This is, of course, Molly. 1183 00:45:57,322 --> 00:45:59,489 - Hi. Hello, Brad. - Everybody, let's make some room. 1184 00:45:59,491 --> 00:46:00,948 KATHERINE: Mm... 1185 00:46:00,950 --> 00:46:03,326 ROBIN: One of the writers, everybody. 1186 00:46:03,328 --> 00:46:05,620 - Hi. - How would you describe Molly? 1187 00:46:05,622 --> 00:46:07,288 Molly? Molly... 1188 00:46:07,290 --> 00:46:10,082 Molly is... (GROANS) 1189 00:46:10,084 --> 00:46:12,335 She said I was the vibrant splash of color 1190 00:46:12,337 --> 00:46:15,171 on the gray canvas of our writing staff. 1191 00:46:15,173 --> 00:46:16,672 I was really touched. 1192 00:46:16,674 --> 00:46:18,007 - Mm. - And then she said something to me 1193 00:46:18,009 --> 00:46:19,258 - that I will never forget. - Mm-hmm. 1194 00:46:19,260 --> 00:46:20,718 She said to me that, 1195 00:46:20,720 --> 00:46:22,595 despite our very different backgrounds, 1196 00:46:22,597 --> 00:46:24,597 that I reminded her 1197 00:46:24,599 --> 00:46:26,807 - of a younger her. - Younger me. 1198 00:46:26,809 --> 00:46:27,892 - ROBIN: Isn't that wonderful? - (CROWD MURMURING) 1199 00:46:27,894 --> 00:46:29,894 I mean... (MIMICS EXPLOSION) 1200 00:46:29,896 --> 00:46:32,146 - Huge. (LAUGHS) - Mm... 1201 00:46:32,148 --> 00:46:34,023 You know what? Everybody's gonna want to get this. 1202 00:46:34,025 --> 00:46:35,900 - (CAMERAS CLICKING) - Let's get a picture 1203 00:46:35,902 --> 00:46:39,028 of Katherine and her beautiful Indian protégée... 1204 00:46:39,030 --> 00:46:40,530 - Molly. - ROBIN: Molly. 1205 00:46:40,532 --> 00:46:42,033 - (APPLAUSE) - (CAMERAS CONTINUE CLICKING) 1206 00:46:44,118 --> 00:46:45,326 ROBIN: Oh. You guys getting that? 1207 00:46:45,328 --> 00:46:46,452 (CROWD MURMURING) 1208 00:46:46,454 --> 00:46:48,955 MAN: Thank you. 1209 00:46:48,957 --> 00:46:51,207 Yeah, it's pretty good. 1210 00:46:51,209 --> 00:46:53,209 Oh, I think it's going beautifully. 1211 00:46:53,211 --> 00:46:54,377 Mm-hmm. 1212 00:46:54,379 --> 00:46:55,795 You haven't killed anybody yet. 1213 00:46:55,797 --> 00:46:57,213 - KATHERINE: Nope. - (WALTER CHUCKLES) 1214 00:46:57,215 --> 00:46:59,676 KATHERINE: But it's still early. 1215 00:47:03,429 --> 00:47:05,388 You want to come over? 1216 00:47:05,390 --> 00:47:07,848 - Uh, yeah, sure. - Oh, excuse me. 1217 00:47:07,850 --> 00:47:09,936 - (CELL PHONE ALARM RINGING) - Thank you. 1218 00:47:11,229 --> 00:47:12,520 Oh. (CHUCKLES) 1219 00:47:12,522 --> 00:47:14,230 Three weeks. Right on time. 1220 00:47:14,232 --> 00:47:15,982 Wait, really? 1221 00:47:15,984 --> 00:47:18,568 (LAUGHING): No, I just set that before I came over. 1222 00:47:18,570 --> 00:47:20,194 - Very funny. Very, very funny. - Come on. 1223 00:47:20,196 --> 00:47:22,822 Billy Kastner. 1224 00:47:22,824 --> 00:47:24,073 - Hey. - I guess everybody can get 1225 00:47:24,075 --> 00:47:25,241 invited to this party. 1226 00:47:25,243 --> 00:47:26,742 (CHUCKLES) Uh, I would like 1227 00:47:26,744 --> 00:47:28,869 to introduce you two to Danny Tennant. 1228 00:47:28,871 --> 00:47:30,746 - Danny, Walter Lovell. - Hey, man. 1229 00:47:30,748 --> 00:47:32,164 How you doing, Walter? 1230 00:47:32,166 --> 00:47:33,416 - And, of course... - Wow. 1231 00:47:33,418 --> 00:47:35,084 - Katherine Newbury. - Wow. 1232 00:47:35,086 --> 00:47:36,460 Classiest couple in New York City 1233 00:47:36,462 --> 00:47:38,004 since Diane Sawyer and Mike Nichols. 1234 00:47:38,006 --> 00:47:39,714 Danny here... very funny, very famous, 1235 00:47:39,716 --> 00:47:41,757 and currently, every female coed 1236 00:47:41,759 --> 00:47:43,551 in the United States wants to lose 1237 00:47:43,553 --> 00:47:45,678 - their virginity to him. - Stop. That's... Just half. 1238 00:47:45,680 --> 00:47:47,555 - Well, that's gonna keep you busy. - Mm. 1239 00:47:47,557 --> 00:47:49,932 And, Katherine, I'm sorry, I have to say, I am such a fan. 1240 00:47:49,934 --> 00:47:52,310 I mean, you were such an inspiration for me growing up. 1241 00:47:52,312 --> 00:47:54,312 And your comedy is so smart. 1242 00:47:54,314 --> 00:47:55,938 You know, I'll-I'll be watching your show, and I have to, like, 1243 00:47:55,940 --> 00:47:57,440 look up half the words you say. (LAUGHS) 1244 00:47:57,442 --> 00:47:59,692 (CHUCKLES) That's so kind. 1245 00:47:59,694 --> 00:48:02,653 Did you take a shit in anyone's shoes yet? 1246 00:48:02,655 --> 00:48:04,322 - Um... - You know, from your stand-up. 1247 00:48:04,324 --> 00:48:06,240 When you're at parties, you like to take a shit 1248 00:48:06,242 --> 00:48:07,783 - in other people's shoes. - (LAUGHTER) 1249 00:48:07,785 --> 00:48:09,660 That's from the special. You saw the special. 1250 00:48:09,662 --> 00:48:10,786 - BILLY: Yeah, well... - DANIEL: Remember that? 1251 00:48:10,788 --> 00:48:12,913 - Diarrhea! - (LAUGHTER) 1252 00:48:12,915 --> 00:48:15,416 Did you enjoy talking to my writing staff? 1253 00:48:15,418 --> 00:48:18,502 - Yes. Talented guys. - They are. 1254 00:48:18,504 --> 00:48:20,546 Charlie Fain, especially. 1255 00:48:20,548 --> 00:48:23,966 So, Danny, what's next for you? Prank show on MTV? 1256 00:48:23,968 --> 00:48:25,885 Or an arena tour sponsored by an energy drink? 1257 00:48:25,887 --> 00:48:27,345 (CHUCKLES) No, I think, actually, 1258 00:48:27,347 --> 00:48:29,180 I'm gonna take a little bit of time off, 1259 00:48:29,182 --> 00:48:31,098 you know, and work on some new material 1260 00:48:31,100 --> 00:48:33,809 and just kind of kick around some new ideas and stuff. 1261 00:48:33,811 --> 00:48:35,478 You're at the height of your stand-up career, 1262 00:48:35,480 --> 00:48:37,148 and you're stopping to kick around ideas? 1263 00:48:39,359 --> 00:48:40,902 Yeah. 1264 00:48:43,321 --> 00:48:44,737 Oh. 1265 00:48:44,739 --> 00:48:46,614 Daniel Tennant?! 1266 00:48:46,616 --> 00:48:49,909 You're replacing me with Daniel fucking Tennant?! 1267 00:48:49,911 --> 00:48:51,535 We're in negotiations with him. Thank you, Margaret. 1268 00:48:51,537 --> 00:48:52,912 You cannot do this. 1269 00:48:52,914 --> 00:48:54,580 We are working on something back there. 1270 00:48:54,582 --> 00:48:56,707 - You have to give us a chance. - You had a chance. 1271 00:48:56,709 --> 00:48:59,251 That's what ten years of ratings decline is. 1272 00:48:59,253 --> 00:49:00,961 Look, you can make it easy for yourself. 1273 00:49:00,963 --> 00:49:02,963 You can welcome him in, make it seem like 1274 00:49:02,965 --> 00:49:04,382 you were part of the decision. 1275 00:49:04,384 --> 00:49:05,758 Or it can be hard. 1276 00:49:05,760 --> 00:49:07,301 The choice is entirely up to you. 1277 00:49:07,303 --> 00:49:09,220 Believe me, I take no pleasure in this. 1278 00:49:09,222 --> 00:49:11,013 Oh, for God's sake, do me the courtesy 1279 00:49:11,015 --> 00:49:13,015 of at least not lying to my face. 1280 00:49:13,017 --> 00:49:15,476 (LAUGHING): Fine. I take a great deal of pleasure in this. 1281 00:49:15,478 --> 00:49:18,521 Katherine, did you ever wonder if I think you're funny? 1282 00:49:18,523 --> 00:49:20,064 No. 1283 00:49:20,066 --> 00:49:21,524 Do you think I should think you're funny, 1284 00:49:21,526 --> 00:49:22,942 as president of the network you're on? 1285 00:49:22,944 --> 00:49:25,653 I've seen six presidents of this network 1286 00:49:25,655 --> 00:49:27,405 come and go while I've been here. 1287 00:49:27,407 --> 00:49:30,574 Somalian fucking warlords have more job stability. 1288 00:49:30,576 --> 00:49:32,451 You didn't answer my question. 1289 00:49:32,453 --> 00:49:35,830 If you're asking me if I've ever respected your taste, 1290 00:49:35,832 --> 00:49:38,332 then the answer, Caroline, is no. 1291 00:49:38,334 --> 00:49:41,168 And if you want to replace me with a meme... 1292 00:49:41,170 --> 00:49:43,129 a T-shirt of a man who hides his xenophobia 1293 00:49:43,131 --> 00:49:44,880 and, by the way, his hatred of women 1294 00:49:44,882 --> 00:49:47,675 behind a congenial frat-boy persona... 1295 00:49:47,677 --> 00:49:49,760 just to make yourself seem relevant, 1296 00:49:49,762 --> 00:49:51,637 then, by all means, you go ahead. 1297 00:49:51,639 --> 00:49:54,100 But I will not allow you to destroy the show that I built. 1298 00:49:57,311 --> 00:49:59,355 ♪ ♪ 1299 00:50:11,993 --> 00:50:13,743 You know what's funny? You remember how kids 1300 00:50:13,745 --> 00:50:15,286 used to have those, like, little games in their pocket. 1301 00:50:15,288 --> 00:50:17,413 - We passed on that. - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 1302 00:50:17,415 --> 00:50:19,125 Oh. 1303 00:50:20,126 --> 00:50:21,834 Where are you going? 1304 00:50:21,836 --> 00:50:24,170 Oh, uh, Four and I have that charity comedy event. 1305 00:50:24,172 --> 00:50:26,380 - I'm the emcee. - Well, you're not going. 1306 00:50:26,382 --> 00:50:29,175 I'm so sorry. I have to go. It starts in 30 minutes, 1307 00:50:29,177 --> 00:50:31,051 and there would be no one to replace me. 1308 00:50:31,053 --> 00:50:32,887 And who's going to be replacing you here? 1309 00:50:32,889 --> 00:50:34,638 Look around the room... all these guys are staying. 1310 00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:37,016 Four's not going. 1311 00:50:37,018 --> 00:50:39,602 - Molly, it's not worth it. - I would listen to that. 1312 00:50:39,604 --> 00:50:41,272 That's pretty good advice. 1313 00:50:42,940 --> 00:50:46,150 I have stayed late every single night this month. 1314 00:50:46,152 --> 00:50:47,985 It's for a charity. 1315 00:50:47,987 --> 00:50:50,404 - I'm sorry, I'm very torn. - Well, you shouldn't be torn, 1316 00:50:50,406 --> 00:50:52,323 and you shouldn't be letting me know that you're torn. 1317 00:50:52,325 --> 00:50:54,116 You can't just download your emotional state onto me 1318 00:50:54,118 --> 00:50:56,952 and hope that your honesty will somehow exonerate you. 1319 00:50:56,954 --> 00:50:59,079 "Upload." 1320 00:50:59,081 --> 00:51:00,706 What? 1321 00:51:00,708 --> 00:51:02,792 Uh, it's-it's "upload your emotional state." 1322 00:51:02,794 --> 00:51:04,585 So, if, um... if you take something 1323 00:51:04,587 --> 00:51:05,920 off the Internet, that's "download." 1324 00:51:05,922 --> 00:51:07,838 If you put something on, that's "upload." 1325 00:51:07,840 --> 00:51:09,715 So, like, if this conversation were the Internet... 1326 00:51:09,717 --> 00:51:12,760 - Shut up, Seven. What the fuck? - Yeah. 1327 00:51:12,762 --> 00:51:15,765 Eight, if you leave, don't come back. 1328 00:51:18,309 --> 00:51:21,187 I made a commitment. I'm sorry. 1329 00:51:24,524 --> 00:51:26,690 - (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) - MANCUSO: Okay. Okay. 1330 00:51:26,692 --> 00:51:28,901 - TOM: Okay, so... - BRAD: Yeah, continue. 1331 00:51:28,903 --> 00:51:30,945 (QUIET CHATTER) 1332 00:51:30,947 --> 00:51:32,988 Hey, hey, hey. Give me the lineup. 1333 00:51:32,990 --> 00:51:34,742 Thank you. 1334 00:51:36,494 --> 00:51:38,704 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 1335 00:51:42,875 --> 00:51:45,209 Okay, so... okay, so here's the pitch. 1336 00:51:45,211 --> 00:51:47,044 You are a pirate. 1337 00:51:47,046 --> 00:51:48,671 It's 1860s. 1338 00:51:48,673 --> 00:51:51,259 (CONVERSATION CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) 1339 00:51:54,220 --> 00:51:56,095 Yeah, no, look, I mean, that's, like, 1340 00:51:56,097 --> 00:51:57,555 well, if it's, like she's got 1341 00:51:57,557 --> 00:52:00,057 - the parrot on her shoulder... - Right. 1342 00:52:00,059 --> 00:52:01,767 My day sucked. 1343 00:52:01,769 --> 00:52:03,435 I was fired from my job. 1344 00:52:03,437 --> 00:52:04,854 No, yeah. 1345 00:52:04,856 --> 00:52:06,647 Really, really, like 15 minutes ago. 1346 00:52:06,649 --> 00:52:10,526 I was actually fired for coming here to be with you guys. 1347 00:52:10,528 --> 00:52:12,528 And now, looking out in the audience, 1348 00:52:12,530 --> 00:52:14,446 (LAUGHING): I'm not sure I made the right decision. 1349 00:52:14,448 --> 00:52:16,323 - (LAUGHTER) - No, but really, 1350 00:52:16,325 --> 00:52:18,284 I got fired, and, um, 1351 00:52:18,286 --> 00:52:20,035 I didn't think that was possible. 1352 00:52:20,037 --> 00:52:23,372 I mean, look at me, guys. 1353 00:52:23,374 --> 00:52:27,042 Look. I am a dark-skinned Indian woman. 1354 00:52:27,044 --> 00:52:28,878 - Aren't I un-fireable? - (LAUGHTER) 1355 00:52:28,880 --> 00:52:31,589 I mean, I'm a token, for God's sakes. You don't... 1356 00:52:31,591 --> 00:52:33,382 Why is this for lung cancer? 1357 00:52:33,384 --> 00:52:35,801 I think the emcee girl's dad died from it. 1358 00:52:35,803 --> 00:52:38,345 - Who's the emcee? - I think she works at Colbert. 1359 00:52:38,347 --> 00:52:40,264 - She works for me. - MOLLY: See, now 1360 00:52:40,266 --> 00:52:42,182 I'm convincing myself that I-I should've been fired. 1361 00:52:42,184 --> 00:52:43,851 - (LAUGHTER) - Thank you so much for being here, and thank you 1362 00:52:43,853 --> 00:52:45,352 for coming out for this great cause. 1363 00:52:45,354 --> 00:52:48,691 Let's keep it going. Our next performer is... 1364 00:52:54,238 --> 00:52:56,697 Our next performer, uh, uh... 1365 00:52:56,699 --> 00:52:59,325 Okay, this is surprising for a-a variety of reasons. 1366 00:52:59,327 --> 00:53:02,411 Our next performer is Katherine Newbury, everyone. 1367 00:53:02,413 --> 00:53:04,830 (CROWD MURMURING) 1368 00:53:04,832 --> 00:53:06,916 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 1369 00:53:06,918 --> 00:53:09,043 Thanks. Thank you. Thank you. 1370 00:53:09,045 --> 00:53:10,836 Thank you so much. Thank you. 1371 00:53:10,838 --> 00:53:12,089 Thank you very much. 1372 00:53:14,300 --> 00:53:15,591 Thank you. Thank you very much. 1373 00:53:15,593 --> 00:53:16,969 Thank you. Now shut up. 1374 00:53:18,262 --> 00:53:19,678 So, I joined Twitter. 1375 00:53:19,680 --> 00:53:21,597 I didn't want to. My publicist made me. 1376 00:53:21,599 --> 00:53:24,058 And... (SIGHS) I was okay at first. 1377 00:53:24,060 --> 00:53:26,101 I was... with the twittering and the tweeting, 1378 00:53:26,103 --> 00:53:28,020 but do you know where it lost me? 1379 00:53:28,022 --> 00:53:31,023 Fave-ing. Fave-ing. 1380 00:53:31,025 --> 00:53:34,902 Because "fave" is short for "favorite," right? 1381 00:53:34,904 --> 00:53:37,947 But you can only have one favorite. 1382 00:53:37,949 --> 00:53:39,573 You can only have one. 1383 00:53:39,575 --> 00:53:41,661 You can't have lots of favorites. It's stupid. 1384 00:53:43,204 --> 00:53:44,453 F-Faves. Faves. 1385 00:53:44,455 --> 00:53:46,455 They can't all be your favorite. 1386 00:53:46,457 --> 00:53:47,959 It's stupid. 1387 00:53:51,879 --> 00:53:56,382 Lot of Twitter fans in the audience tonight, I see. 1388 00:53:56,384 --> 00:53:59,470 So, that's not working. 1389 00:54:02,348 --> 00:54:05,265 Well, shit, guys. 1390 00:54:05,267 --> 00:54:08,479 I don't know. I just don't know. 1391 00:54:10,064 --> 00:54:12,189 I guess that's why 1392 00:54:12,191 --> 00:54:15,359 they're taking my show away from me. 1393 00:54:15,361 --> 00:54:17,945 - Yeah. - Whoa. 1394 00:54:17,947 --> 00:54:19,991 Yeah, that's happening. 1395 00:54:21,951 --> 00:54:24,912 They're taking my show away, and the thing is... 1396 00:54:29,166 --> 00:54:33,877 The thing is, if they take my show away, 1397 00:54:33,879 --> 00:54:37,633 I do not know what I am going to do. 1398 00:54:39,593 --> 00:54:42,722 I am a woman in my 50s in Hollywood. 1399 00:54:44,682 --> 00:54:46,765 I don't know what I'm going to do. 1400 00:54:46,767 --> 00:54:50,354 In Hollywood, what am I going to do? 1401 00:54:54,358 --> 00:54:56,485 You know what? I've got it. 1402 00:54:58,446 --> 00:55:00,362 I could play Sean Penn's grandmother 1403 00:55:00,364 --> 00:55:02,656 in the movie where he is married to Emma Stone. 1404 00:55:02,658 --> 00:55:05,784 - (LAUGHTER) - His childhood sweetheart. 1405 00:55:05,786 --> 00:55:07,494 It's so unfair. 1406 00:55:07,496 --> 00:55:09,455 I mean, Tom Cruise is the same age as me. 1407 00:55:09,457 --> 00:55:11,040 We're the same age. 1408 00:55:11,042 --> 00:55:12,791 He gets to fight the Mummy. I am the Mummy. 1409 00:55:12,793 --> 00:55:14,293 - (LAUGHING) - You know what? No, no, no. 1410 00:55:14,295 --> 00:55:15,836 I'm too old to play the Mummy. 1411 00:55:15,838 --> 00:55:17,671 They'd get Anne Hathaway in to play the Mummy 1412 00:55:17,673 --> 00:55:19,173 and put, like, Mummy makeup on her. 1413 00:55:19,175 --> 00:55:20,591 - (LAUGHTER) - I'm probably gonna have to have 1414 00:55:20,593 --> 00:55:22,301 a facelift just to do voice work. 1415 00:55:22,303 --> 00:55:24,845 I'm gonna have to have, like, Botox and lip filler 1416 00:55:24,847 --> 00:55:28,640 just to play the voice of a wise old tree in a Pixar movie. 1417 00:55:28,642 --> 00:55:30,392 - (LAUGHTER) - You know when you're watching 1418 00:55:30,394 --> 00:55:32,728 an awards show, and they play people off with music? 1419 00:55:32,730 --> 00:55:34,772 You know, when they've gone on for too long? 1420 00:55:34,774 --> 00:55:36,523 I feel like that's what they're doing to my life right now. 1421 00:55:36,525 --> 00:55:38,984 They're just, "Get off. Time to die. 1422 00:55:38,986 --> 00:55:40,652 "Just fuck off. 1423 00:55:40,654 --> 00:55:43,447 "Take that old face and just go. 1424 00:55:43,449 --> 00:55:46,366 "Go sit. Go sit in the dark somewhere. 1425 00:55:46,368 --> 00:55:48,202 "You remind us all of our ex-wives. 1426 00:55:48,204 --> 00:55:49,953 Yeah. The older ones." 1427 00:55:49,955 --> 00:55:51,830 (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) 1428 00:55:51,832 --> 00:55:53,415 Thank you. Yeah. 1429 00:55:53,417 --> 00:55:55,918 I hope I earned the privilege of your time. 1430 00:55:55,920 --> 00:55:58,631 (CHEERING) 1431 00:56:05,387 --> 00:56:07,304 Thank you, Dee, so very much. 1432 00:56:07,306 --> 00:56:09,681 - Get in the car. - Okay. 1433 00:56:09,683 --> 00:56:11,850 She's coming back. She's coming back! 1434 00:56:11,852 --> 00:56:13,811 Come on, come on, you guys. 1435 00:56:13,813 --> 00:56:15,771 (FRANTIC CHATTER) 1436 00:56:15,773 --> 00:56:17,773 Don't push me. Don't push me. 1437 00:56:17,775 --> 00:56:19,942 She's coming back. 1438 00:56:19,944 --> 00:56:22,653 - Uh, um... - Uh... 1439 00:56:22,655 --> 00:56:25,572 (OVERLAPPING, INDISTINCT CHATTER) 1440 00:56:25,574 --> 00:56:27,950 - (DOOR OPENS) - Hey, hey. Look who's back. 1441 00:56:27,952 --> 00:56:29,326 - Oh, my God. - (WRITERS MURMURING) 1442 00:56:29,328 --> 00:56:31,370 - Hey. - Hey. 1443 00:56:31,372 --> 00:56:33,580 (SIGHS) This is my fault. 1444 00:56:33,582 --> 00:56:36,583 You were too scared to tell me what you really think, 1445 00:56:36,585 --> 00:56:38,796 and I think I was too scared to hear the truth. 1446 00:56:41,132 --> 00:56:44,716 I am the only woman in late-night network television, 1447 00:56:44,718 --> 00:56:48,470 but I have been doing the same format and the same jokes... 1448 00:56:48,472 --> 00:56:52,266 hell, even the same cadences... as some of these other guys. 1449 00:56:52,268 --> 00:56:53,767 So, what are you saying? 1450 00:56:53,769 --> 00:56:54,935 You want more jokes about female issues? 1451 00:56:54,937 --> 00:56:56,270 No, Seven, I-I'm not asking you 1452 00:56:56,272 --> 00:56:58,021 to write me a tight five on menstruation. 1453 00:56:58,023 --> 00:57:00,357 I just want to say only things I can talk about. 1454 00:57:00,359 --> 00:57:02,025 Nothing is off-limits. If you think it's funny, 1455 00:57:02,027 --> 00:57:03,652 I don't care how personal it is. 1456 00:57:03,654 --> 00:57:06,613 I am a 56-year-old Englishwoman 1457 00:57:06,615 --> 00:57:09,783 who has never given birth or seen a superhero film. 1458 00:57:09,785 --> 00:57:11,493 Write to that. You cannot offend me. 1459 00:57:11,495 --> 00:57:14,121 If you don't know enough about me, come and talk to me. 1460 00:57:14,123 --> 00:57:15,914 I swear I will not scream at you. 1461 00:57:15,916 --> 00:57:18,834 I want it to be specific, and I want it to be political. 1462 00:57:18,836 --> 00:57:20,794 I'm gonna do the abortion joke tomorrow, and, Seven, 1463 00:57:20,796 --> 00:57:22,171 she's writing monologue jokes with you. 1464 00:57:22,173 --> 00:57:23,714 Uh... sorry, I'm not 1465 00:57:23,716 --> 00:57:25,757 a screenwriting course at the JFK Radisson. 1466 00:57:25,759 --> 00:57:28,010 I can't teach a total novice how to write jokes overnight. 1467 00:57:28,012 --> 00:57:30,220 (CHUCKLES) No. I hate to break this to you, Seven, 1468 00:57:30,222 --> 00:57:31,930 but you're not gonna be teaching anything, 1469 00:57:31,932 --> 00:57:34,099 because I want someone who doesn't think in exactly 1470 00:57:34,101 --> 00:57:36,101 the same way as everyone else in the goddamn room. 1471 00:57:36,103 --> 00:57:37,519 So she's writing monologue jokes with you. 1472 00:57:37,521 --> 00:57:40,397 Listen to me, no matter what you hear... 1473 00:57:40,399 --> 00:57:42,649 online, from your agents, wherever... 1474 00:57:42,651 --> 00:57:44,902 believe only this: 1475 00:57:44,904 --> 00:57:47,070 This is my show, 1476 00:57:47,072 --> 00:57:49,031 and I'm not going fucking anywhere. 1477 00:57:49,033 --> 00:57:50,282 (APPLAUSE) 1478 00:57:50,284 --> 00:57:52,075 Thank you. Thank you so much. 1479 00:57:52,077 --> 00:57:54,077 We've got a great show for you tonight. 1480 00:57:54,079 --> 00:57:55,704 More good news from Washington. 1481 00:57:55,706 --> 00:57:58,540 Three Republican senators have yet again proposed 1482 00:57:58,542 --> 00:58:01,084 a bill to defund Planned Parenthood. 1483 00:58:01,086 --> 00:58:04,546 As always, the men most obsessed with women's sex lives 1484 00:58:04,548 --> 00:58:06,548 are the ones getting laid the least. 1485 00:58:06,550 --> 00:58:08,425 (LAUGHTER) 1486 00:58:08,427 --> 00:58:09,968 I never thought I'd say this, 1487 00:58:09,970 --> 00:58:11,595 but thank God I'm going through menopause. 1488 00:58:11,597 --> 00:58:14,348 - (LAUGHTER) - ♪ It's how you dance now ♪ 1489 00:58:14,350 --> 00:58:16,683 ♪ Shakin' your hair around ♪ 1490 00:58:16,685 --> 00:58:18,393 - (LAUGHS) - ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 1491 00:58:18,395 --> 00:58:21,396 ♪ There's only one you, so do it like you do... ♪ 1492 00:58:21,398 --> 00:58:24,191 What exactly is wrong with my bits? 1493 00:58:24,193 --> 00:58:25,901 To be honest, 1494 00:58:25,903 --> 00:58:28,320 you're a little old and a little white. 1495 00:58:28,322 --> 00:58:30,572 Okay. Those are facts. 1496 00:58:30,574 --> 00:58:32,785 What the fuck can I do about that? 1497 00:58:34,453 --> 00:58:37,704 So, recently, someone accused me of being, 1498 00:58:37,706 --> 00:58:40,999 quote, "a little bit old and a little bit white." 1499 00:58:41,001 --> 00:58:44,044 To which I responded: "I'm very old and very white." 1500 00:58:44,046 --> 00:58:46,713 - I never do things halfway. - (LAUGHTER) 1501 00:58:46,715 --> 00:58:48,757 But what can a person like me do about that? 1502 00:58:48,759 --> 00:58:51,218 If I try and fix it, I can come across 1503 00:58:51,220 --> 00:58:53,595 as trying to be some sort of white savior. 1504 00:58:53,597 --> 00:58:55,389 Then I decided I was okay with that, 1505 00:58:55,391 --> 00:58:59,184 so let me introduce you to a new series on Tonight: 1506 00:58:59,186 --> 00:59:01,353 "Katherine Newbury: White Savior." 1507 00:59:01,355 --> 00:59:03,689 My name is Katherine Newbury. Do you watch my show? 1508 00:59:03,691 --> 00:59:05,023 - No. - Nah. 1509 00:59:05,025 --> 00:59:08,193 Okay. Well, that's demoralizing. 1510 00:59:08,195 --> 00:59:10,737 Could you tell me if there's been any instance recently 1511 00:59:10,739 --> 00:59:12,906 where you feel that you've been treated differently 1512 00:59:12,908 --> 00:59:14,574 because of the way you look? 1513 00:59:14,576 --> 00:59:17,244 - Yeah. - I feel like I can never hail a cab. 1514 00:59:17,246 --> 00:59:19,705 You feel like you can never hail a cab? 1515 00:59:19,707 --> 00:59:22,040 Let's see what we can do about that. 1516 00:59:22,042 --> 00:59:23,333 (WHISTLES) 1517 00:59:23,335 --> 00:59:26,586 Here we go. Ah. 1518 00:59:26,588 --> 00:59:28,171 Hey, um... 1519 00:59:28,173 --> 00:59:29,923 I actually didn't need to go anywhere. 1520 00:59:29,925 --> 00:59:32,467 That doesn't matter. This is how white saviors work. 1521 00:59:32,469 --> 00:59:33,802 (LAUGHTER) 1522 00:59:33,804 --> 00:59:35,637 ♪ It's how you move now ♪ 1523 00:59:35,639 --> 00:59:37,222 (CHUCKLING) 1524 00:59:37,224 --> 00:59:38,473 - ♪ Gettin' your groove out... ♪ - Okay. 1525 00:59:38,475 --> 00:59:39,933 - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Okay. 1526 00:59:39,935 --> 00:59:41,768 I don't understand why people wouldn't want 1527 00:59:41,770 --> 00:59:44,604 to get to know about great journalists and writers. 1528 00:59:44,606 --> 00:59:47,024 Because that shit is boring. This is a comedy show. 1529 00:59:47,026 --> 00:59:50,193 ANNOUNCER: And now your host, Katherine Newbury. 1530 00:59:50,195 --> 00:59:54,281 Now, you are in a show about teen vampires 1531 00:59:54,283 --> 00:59:56,783 - called Van Helsing Prep. - (SCATTERED CHEERS) 1532 00:59:56,785 --> 00:59:59,703 And you play a character called Lydia Stoker. 1533 00:59:59,705 --> 01:00:03,206 I can see they did a lot... a lot of research for this. 1534 01:00:03,208 --> 01:00:05,125 (BOTH CHUCKLING) 1535 01:00:05,127 --> 01:00:07,461 It's-it's silly. Whatever. It's for teens. 1536 01:00:07,463 --> 01:00:09,629 She actually seems very smart. 1537 01:00:09,631 --> 01:00:11,548 ACTRESS: ...even though she's always in a bikini, 1538 01:00:11,550 --> 01:00:13,675 - which doesn't even really make sense. - I'd watch that show. 1539 01:00:13,677 --> 01:00:15,677 - I'll start to watch that show. - Mm-hmm. 1540 01:00:15,679 --> 01:00:17,804 Kind of a guilty pleasure? 1541 01:00:17,806 --> 01:00:19,058 Well, you know what I think? 1542 01:00:21,393 --> 01:00:24,144 There's no such thing as guilty pleasures... 1543 01:00:24,146 --> 01:00:26,063 only pleasures... 1544 01:00:26,065 --> 01:00:29,608 and I think Van Helsing Prep is a real pleasure. 1545 01:00:29,610 --> 01:00:31,068 You've seen it? 1546 01:00:31,070 --> 01:00:32,736 Yes. And your character is reminiscent 1547 01:00:32,738 --> 01:00:34,823 of Tess of the d'Urbervilles. 1548 01:00:36,575 --> 01:00:39,159 I... What I mean is that it is, um... 1549 01:00:39,161 --> 01:00:40,494 it's very hard to pull off. 1550 01:00:40,496 --> 01:00:43,872 Thank you so much for saying that. 1551 01:00:43,874 --> 01:00:45,665 - I mean, I haven't seen every episode. - (LAUGHTER) 1552 01:00:45,667 --> 01:00:47,334 Can I hug you? 1553 01:00:47,336 --> 01:00:48,418 I... Sorry? 1554 01:00:48,420 --> 01:00:50,587 Hug you? 1555 01:00:50,589 --> 01:00:51,880 - She wants to hug you. - Yeah. 1556 01:00:51,882 --> 01:00:52,881 - Hug her. - Yeah. 1557 01:00:52,883 --> 01:00:55,467 Um, yeah, sure. 1558 01:00:55,469 --> 01:00:56,551 ♪ La-la la la ♪ 1559 01:00:56,553 --> 01:00:58,595 (KATHERINE GASPING) 1560 01:00:58,597 --> 01:01:00,430 ♪ I'm gonna dance till I die... ♪ 1561 01:01:00,432 --> 01:01:02,265 - Heavens to Betsy. - (AUDIENCE AWWING) 1562 01:01:02,267 --> 01:01:04,935 Th-th-there, there, there. There, there. 1563 01:01:04,937 --> 01:01:06,019 Hey. 1564 01:01:06,021 --> 01:01:07,479 Burditt's outside smoking. 1565 01:01:07,481 --> 01:01:10,023 No, I came to talk to you about a bit. 1566 01:01:10,025 --> 01:01:11,608 Katherine helps people 1567 01:01:11,610 --> 01:01:14,361 complain about a messed-up Meal Kwik order? 1568 01:01:14,363 --> 01:01:15,821 I don't even know if it's a thing yet, 1569 01:01:15,823 --> 01:01:17,364 but do you want to work on it with me? 1570 01:01:17,366 --> 01:01:19,074 - With me? - Yeah. 1571 01:01:19,076 --> 01:01:20,575 Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, of course, of course. 1572 01:01:20,577 --> 01:01:21,993 Please. Come in. Welcome. 1573 01:01:21,995 --> 01:01:23,370 - I'll-I'll go get a chair. - Yeah. 1574 01:01:23,372 --> 01:01:24,913 Or even, like, a trash can or whatever. 1575 01:01:24,915 --> 01:01:26,915 - Very funny. - ♪ I'm gonna do it... ♪ 1576 01:01:26,917 --> 01:01:29,876 One of the best parts about being a celebrity 1577 01:01:29,878 --> 01:01:33,088 is that if you complain about something on social media, 1578 01:01:33,090 --> 01:01:35,465 the company actually takes care of it 1579 01:01:35,467 --> 01:01:37,968 because they're scared of bad publicity. 1580 01:01:37,970 --> 01:01:39,719 Nobody cares if your flight gets canceled, 1581 01:01:39,721 --> 01:01:42,556 but if Chrissy Teigen's does, watch out. 1582 01:01:42,558 --> 01:01:46,184 So, I've decided to file your grievances for you. 1583 01:01:46,186 --> 01:01:47,894 So, millennial, how did you feel 1584 01:01:47,896 --> 01:01:50,230 when your burger arrived without fries? 1585 01:01:50,232 --> 01:01:51,898 I-I forgot about it, and then I saw you 1586 01:01:51,900 --> 01:01:53,150 on the street, and you asked me... 1587 01:01:53,152 --> 01:01:55,610 Devastated. Devastated. 1588 01:01:55,612 --> 01:01:58,155 We're so happy we avenged you. 1589 01:01:58,157 --> 01:01:59,990 - Great. Great. - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 1590 01:01:59,992 --> 01:02:01,283 Enjoy your fries, everyone. 1591 01:02:01,285 --> 01:02:02,742 REYNOLDS: "Playful viral bits 1592 01:02:02,744 --> 01:02:04,828 and an overall more engaged demeanor." 1593 01:02:04,830 --> 01:02:06,496 - Uh-huh. - "Tonight with Katherine Newbury 1594 01:02:06,498 --> 01:02:08,415 is becoming a must-see once again!" 1595 01:02:08,417 --> 01:02:10,083 (ALL CHEERING) 1596 01:02:10,085 --> 01:02:12,544 Now, tell me how you feel you're treated differently 1597 01:02:12,546 --> 01:02:14,045 because of the way you look. 1598 01:02:14,047 --> 01:02:15,422 - Yeah... - Something small, not systemic. 1599 01:02:15,424 --> 01:02:17,090 There's nothing I can do about getting you 1600 01:02:17,092 --> 01:02:18,341 - approved for a bank loan. - (LAUGHTER) 1601 01:02:18,343 --> 01:02:21,011 Into the cab, into the cab. 1602 01:02:21,013 --> 01:02:22,721 ♪ You like it when I do it like that ♪ 1603 01:02:22,723 --> 01:02:24,139 ♪ And I know when we're moving like that ♪ 1604 01:02:24,141 --> 01:02:25,765 (LAUGHING) 1605 01:02:25,767 --> 01:02:27,100 ♪ Ain't nobody else do it like that... ♪ 1606 01:02:27,102 --> 01:02:29,227 - Thank you so much. - You're welcome. 1607 01:02:29,229 --> 01:02:31,313 ♪ You like it when I bring it right back ♪ 1608 01:02:31,315 --> 01:02:33,732 ♪ And I know when we do it like that... ♪ 1609 01:02:33,734 --> 01:02:35,192 No, don't wait up. 1610 01:02:35,194 --> 01:02:37,444 Okay, yeah, I love you. It's all good. 1611 01:02:37,446 --> 01:02:39,488 I'm proud of you, Katie. 1612 01:02:39,490 --> 01:02:41,573 KATHERINE (ON COMPUTER): Hello, everyone. 1613 01:02:41,575 --> 01:02:43,116 My name is Katherine Newbury. 1614 01:02:43,118 --> 01:02:45,785 Now, let me ask, does anyone in the audience 1615 01:02:45,787 --> 01:02:47,454 suffer from depression? 1616 01:02:47,456 --> 01:02:49,372 No? Nobody? I can't really be the only one. 1617 01:02:49,374 --> 01:02:51,124 Well, I guess depressed people aren't really 1618 01:02:51,126 --> 01:02:53,210 the call-and-response type. 1619 01:02:53,212 --> 01:02:55,086 Now, schizophrenics, on the other hand, they're... 1620 01:02:55,088 --> 01:02:56,963 they're all like, "Here, here, here." 1621 01:02:56,965 --> 01:02:58,548 And that's just one person. 1622 01:02:58,550 --> 01:03:00,217 - (MOLLY CHUCKLES) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1623 01:03:00,219 --> 01:03:02,802 Speaking of depression, this week for me 1624 01:03:02,804 --> 01:03:06,389 has been a total series of disasters. 1625 01:03:06,391 --> 01:03:08,225 (MOLLY CHUCKLES) 1626 01:03:08,227 --> 01:03:10,101 It's late. 1627 01:03:10,103 --> 01:03:11,603 (OVER COMPUTER): It's been particularly irritating. 1628 01:03:11,605 --> 01:03:13,857 - (VIDEO STOPS) - You should be going home. 1629 01:03:16,735 --> 01:03:19,569 Were you really depressed? 1630 01:03:19,571 --> 01:03:21,530 Or was it just part of the act? 1631 01:03:21,532 --> 01:03:23,031 I'm sorry? 1632 01:03:23,033 --> 01:03:25,200 I've watched this stand-up so many times 1633 01:03:25,202 --> 01:03:27,702 when I was growing up, and... 1634 01:03:27,704 --> 01:03:29,287 it always made me feel better. 1635 01:03:29,289 --> 01:03:30,956 You know, like, she's talking about it, 1636 01:03:30,958 --> 01:03:33,917 and she's being so funny, so... 1637 01:03:33,919 --> 01:03:37,172 I must not be weird for feeling this way. 1638 01:03:39,800 --> 01:03:41,800 Yes, I was. 1639 01:03:41,802 --> 01:03:43,426 Depressed. 1640 01:03:43,428 --> 01:03:45,095 I still am. 1641 01:03:45,097 --> 01:03:46,473 Come with me. 1642 01:03:49,184 --> 01:03:52,060 ♪ ♪ 1643 01:03:52,062 --> 01:03:54,271 And here we are. 1644 01:03:54,273 --> 01:03:56,231 Oh, my God. 1645 01:03:56,233 --> 01:03:58,567 How many Emmys do you have? 1646 01:03:58,569 --> 01:04:00,527 And a Golden Globe? (GASPS) 1647 01:04:00,529 --> 01:04:02,112 You were knighted? 1648 01:04:02,114 --> 01:04:04,364 You're Dame Katherine Newbury? 1649 01:04:04,366 --> 01:04:06,408 Mm-hmm. "Knight" sounds so much better 1650 01:04:06,410 --> 01:04:07,784 than "Dame," though, doesn't it? 1651 01:04:07,786 --> 01:04:09,327 "Knight" is Lancelot and romance, 1652 01:04:09,329 --> 01:04:11,246 "Dame" just the old bag who takes too long 1653 01:04:11,248 --> 01:04:12,624 in the grocery checkout line. 1654 01:04:15,294 --> 01:04:17,294 Wow. 1655 01:04:17,296 --> 01:04:19,379 Burditt is a baby in this photo. 1656 01:04:19,381 --> 01:04:21,923 That was the first year we won the Emmy. 1657 01:04:21,925 --> 01:04:23,883 It was good stuff back then. 1658 01:04:23,885 --> 01:04:26,386 Oh, that must be Tom's dad... I-I mean Seven's dad. 1659 01:04:26,388 --> 01:04:29,306 Must be nice to inherit a job from your father. 1660 01:04:29,308 --> 01:04:31,683 You know, he's not terrible just 'cause he's privileged. 1661 01:04:31,685 --> 01:04:34,936 If his very worst qualities are elitism and snobbery, 1662 01:04:34,938 --> 01:04:36,938 that's not really all that bad, is it? 1663 01:04:36,940 --> 01:04:39,858 Yeah, well, he thinks I'm a diversity hire. 1664 01:04:39,860 --> 01:04:41,361 You are a diversity hire. 1665 01:04:42,738 --> 01:04:44,279 What? You think no one ever 1666 01:04:44,281 --> 01:04:46,197 accused me of sleeping my way to the top? 1667 01:04:46,199 --> 01:04:47,824 I mean, the point is, you're here. 1668 01:04:47,826 --> 01:04:49,701 And if you want people to see you as something 1669 01:04:49,703 --> 01:04:53,663 other than a diversity hire, you have to make them. 1670 01:04:53,665 --> 01:04:57,792 It's not fair, but it never is for women. 1671 01:04:57,794 --> 01:05:01,046 I want you to know that you have changed my life forever. 1672 01:05:01,048 --> 01:05:03,298 - No, look... - And I want... 1673 01:05:03,300 --> 01:05:07,218 No. I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but... 1674 01:05:07,220 --> 01:05:10,182 your earnestness can be very hard to be around. 1675 01:05:11,725 --> 01:05:15,226 God, why can't I express my admiration for you? 1676 01:05:15,228 --> 01:05:17,854 Because successful people hate their own admirers, 1677 01:05:17,856 --> 01:05:20,899 and we're suspicious of people who compliment us. 1678 01:05:20,901 --> 01:05:22,484 That's horrible. How do you have any friends? 1679 01:05:22,486 --> 01:05:25,155 I don't think I have any. 1680 01:05:28,950 --> 01:05:31,284 (SIGHS) 1681 01:05:31,286 --> 01:05:33,747 Ah, it's getting late. 1682 01:05:35,165 --> 01:05:38,041 ♪ ♪ 1683 01:05:38,043 --> 01:05:40,712 (TRAFFIC RUMBLING, HORNS HONKING) 1684 01:05:42,881 --> 01:05:44,964 I have bad news. 1685 01:05:44,966 --> 01:05:47,092 For sweeps, they... 1686 01:05:47,094 --> 01:05:51,890 want you to introduce Tennant as your replacement. 1687 01:05:54,810 --> 01:05:56,144 We tried. 1688 01:06:00,065 --> 01:06:02,148 DANIEL: I was watching Game of Thrones. 1689 01:06:02,150 --> 01:06:05,193 And I'm watching with my girlfriend, right? 1690 01:06:05,195 --> 01:06:08,321 And she's like, "Oh, my God. 1691 01:06:08,323 --> 01:06:10,365 "This is so unfair. 1692 01:06:10,367 --> 01:06:11,991 "All the women are nude, 1693 01:06:11,993 --> 01:06:13,868 but, like, none of the men are nude." 1694 01:06:13,870 --> 01:06:15,704 - So I whipped out my nuts. - (CROWD LAUGHS) 1695 01:06:15,706 --> 01:06:17,580 And she's like, "Oh, my God, balls!" 1696 01:06:17,582 --> 01:06:20,125 And I'm like, "Hypocrite much?" 1697 01:06:20,127 --> 01:06:21,751 Yeah, but that other one got cut, right? 1698 01:06:21,753 --> 01:06:23,753 Uh, we can cut it, and we can put this in there 1699 01:06:23,755 --> 01:06:25,213 - in its place, so if, um... - Okay. 1700 01:06:25,215 --> 01:06:26,840 - Oh, good. - So, if we're running long, 1701 01:06:26,842 --> 01:06:28,758 - we can end on the Supreme Court joke. - Okay. Yeah. 1702 01:06:28,760 --> 01:06:30,719 - And if not, then we have two more cards ready to go. - Here. 1703 01:06:30,721 --> 01:06:33,346 - Okay. - All right. So, why don't we, uh, I don't know... 1704 01:06:33,348 --> 01:06:35,140 Okay, I just have to say... 1705 01:06:35,142 --> 01:06:38,184 no, no, I-I need to say... that you don't have to do this. 1706 01:06:38,186 --> 01:06:39,686 Stop. 1707 01:06:39,688 --> 01:06:42,439 Listen to me. You need to do this. 1708 01:06:42,441 --> 01:06:44,023 Introducing Tennant is the classy move. 1709 01:06:44,025 --> 01:06:45,442 You make it look like it was your decision. 1710 01:06:45,444 --> 01:06:46,609 I mean, it's-it's the best we can do. 1711 01:06:46,611 --> 01:06:47,902 No, it's not. 1712 01:06:47,904 --> 01:06:49,446 This is your show. 1713 01:06:49,448 --> 01:06:51,948 It's an expression of who you are. 1714 01:06:51,950 --> 01:06:55,370 Is handing the show over to Daniel Tennant who you are? 1715 01:06:57,289 --> 01:06:59,583 I have to prepare. 1716 01:07:00,751 --> 01:07:02,333 That's not cool. 1717 01:07:02,335 --> 01:07:04,377 Hey. Hey! 1718 01:07:04,379 --> 01:07:06,880 Are you out of your fucking mind? 1719 01:07:06,882 --> 01:07:08,173 Okay. 1720 01:07:08,175 --> 01:07:09,507 You can't tell her stuff like that. 1721 01:07:09,509 --> 01:07:11,134 They made a decision, Molly. 1722 01:07:11,136 --> 01:07:13,428 Now it's our job... our-our actual job... 1723 01:07:13,430 --> 01:07:15,472 to find a way for our boss 1724 01:07:15,474 --> 01:07:16,890 to tell America that she's stepping down 1725 01:07:16,892 --> 01:07:18,308 and to do it in a way 1726 01:07:18,310 --> 01:07:20,560 that makes her look classy and smart, 1727 01:07:20,562 --> 01:07:22,645 and for all of us to save a little face. 1728 01:07:22,647 --> 01:07:24,856 Yes, saving face: the most important pillar 1729 01:07:24,858 --> 01:07:26,399 in the WASP handbook to life. 1730 01:07:26,401 --> 01:07:28,109 Oh, okay. There's no pillars in a handbook, 1731 01:07:28,111 --> 01:07:29,611 so get your metaphors straight. 1732 01:07:29,613 --> 01:07:31,362 And do you think we want her to give the show 1733 01:07:31,364 --> 01:07:33,239 to a douche like Tennant, no, but we don't go rogue 1734 01:07:33,241 --> 01:07:34,616 and just say anything we feel. 1735 01:07:34,618 --> 01:07:36,034 That's not how things work. 1736 01:07:36,036 --> 01:07:37,744 You know what? Fuck how things work. 1737 01:07:37,746 --> 01:07:39,496 If I cared how things work, I wouldn't have this job. 1738 01:07:39,498 --> 01:07:42,499 (CHUCKLING): Which would be absolutely fantastic. 1739 01:07:42,501 --> 01:07:45,293 Do I remind you of a girlfriend that dumped you or something? 1740 01:07:45,295 --> 01:07:48,171 Oh, yes, yeah. I-I had a long string of failed relationships 1741 01:07:48,173 --> 01:07:50,965 with semi-talented women who overdress for work. 1742 01:07:50,967 --> 01:07:52,717 It must be so hard for you. 1743 01:07:52,719 --> 01:07:53,760 What? 1744 01:07:53,762 --> 01:07:56,429 That we have the same job. 1745 01:07:56,431 --> 01:07:57,972 Not the same job, Molly. 1746 01:07:57,974 --> 01:07:59,641 You write jokes for the monologue. 1747 01:07:59,643 --> 01:08:02,310 - I'm the head monologue writer. - Whatever, Seven. 1748 01:08:02,312 --> 01:08:04,312 Walk into a dead end... that's a... that's a great finish. 1749 01:08:04,314 --> 01:08:06,022 Nope, go-go that... Yep, yep. 1750 01:08:06,024 --> 01:08:07,899 No, no, you showed me. Walking into-into a closet. 1751 01:08:07,901 --> 01:08:09,484 That's great. 1752 01:08:09,486 --> 01:08:11,571 ♪ ♪ 1753 01:08:15,200 --> 01:08:17,450 - (BELL RINGS) - WOMAN: And in five, 1754 01:08:17,452 --> 01:08:20,453 - four, three, two... - (BAND PLAYS SHOW THEME) 1755 01:08:20,455 --> 01:08:22,747 ANNOUNCER: Katherine Newbury. 1756 01:08:22,749 --> 01:08:25,500 Now, there are some rumors out there 1757 01:08:25,502 --> 01:08:27,585 that you might be replacing me. 1758 01:08:27,587 --> 01:08:28,922 (CROWD MURMURING, GASPING) 1759 01:08:30,966 --> 01:08:33,508 Uh, well, uh... 1760 01:08:33,510 --> 01:08:34,676 you're a legend, okay? 1761 01:08:34,678 --> 01:08:36,678 I would be beyond honored. 1762 01:08:36,680 --> 01:08:38,137 Thank you. 1763 01:08:38,139 --> 01:08:42,016 The thing is, I... I don't want to go. 1764 01:08:42,018 --> 01:08:43,476 (LAUGHTER) 1765 01:08:43,478 --> 01:08:45,770 (BOTH CHUCKLING) 1766 01:08:45,772 --> 01:08:48,439 I get it. I mean, who would want to leave here, right? 1767 01:08:48,441 --> 01:08:50,024 Your name's on the drum. 1768 01:08:50,026 --> 01:08:52,235 Hey, give it up for Katherine Newbury, y'all. 1769 01:08:52,237 --> 01:08:54,072 - Make some noise! - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 1770 01:08:59,160 --> 01:09:02,078 Thank you for the noise. 1771 01:09:02,080 --> 01:09:04,539 I find myself in a genuinely strange position, though, 1772 01:09:04,541 --> 01:09:06,583 because I truly do not want to go. 1773 01:09:06,585 --> 01:09:09,502 - Do you want me to go? - CROWD: No! 1774 01:09:09,504 --> 01:09:13,548 (INDISTINCT SHOUTING, MURMURING) 1775 01:09:13,550 --> 01:09:16,384 Uh, we all wish she could stay, right? 1776 01:09:16,386 --> 01:09:18,678 - I mean... - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 1777 01:09:18,680 --> 01:09:20,015 Right. 1778 01:09:21,308 --> 01:09:22,809 You really wish I could stay? 1779 01:09:23,977 --> 01:09:25,351 Sure. Yeah. 1780 01:09:25,353 --> 01:09:27,103 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 1781 01:09:27,105 --> 01:09:29,188 You really mean it? 1782 01:09:29,190 --> 01:09:30,773 (LIGHT LAUGHTER) 1783 01:09:30,775 --> 01:09:32,817 (CHUCKLING): Yeah. Yes. 1784 01:09:32,819 --> 01:09:34,903 Well, you know what, Daniel? 1785 01:09:34,905 --> 01:09:36,613 I'll stay. 1786 01:09:36,615 --> 01:09:38,823 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 1787 01:09:38,825 --> 01:09:40,742 But only because you really, really want me to. 1788 01:09:40,744 --> 01:09:42,619 Thank you, Daniel. 1789 01:09:42,621 --> 01:09:45,038 (CHANTING): Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! 1790 01:09:45,040 --> 01:09:47,290 Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! 1791 01:09:47,292 --> 01:09:48,708 You're welcome, America. 1792 01:09:48,710 --> 01:09:50,501 - Well, that's... - (KATHERINE LAUGHS) 1793 01:09:50,503 --> 01:09:53,046 - CROWD: Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate! - If you agree with me, 1794 01:09:53,048 --> 01:09:55,006 why don't you show me some love on Twitter. 1795 01:09:55,008 --> 01:09:56,257 We have to take a break. 1796 01:09:56,259 --> 01:09:57,759 We'll see you back here shortly. 1797 01:09:57,761 --> 01:10:00,889 - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - (BAND PLAYS SHOW THEME) 1798 01:10:02,182 --> 01:10:03,558 You did great. 1799 01:10:06,019 --> 01:10:08,144 - BILLY: I got this. - What was that, man? 1800 01:10:08,146 --> 01:10:10,690 That sucked. We're done. 1801 01:10:11,775 --> 01:10:12,982 Did you enjoy that? 1802 01:10:12,984 --> 01:10:14,359 'Cause now you're fucked. 1803 01:10:14,361 --> 01:10:16,027 I don't know, Billy, I think it really 1804 01:10:16,029 --> 01:10:17,487 shook the dust off this place. 1805 01:10:17,489 --> 01:10:18,905 Don't you? 1806 01:10:18,907 --> 01:10:21,034 Now get the fuck off my stage. 1807 01:10:24,079 --> 01:10:25,912 She did what? 1808 01:10:25,914 --> 01:10:27,538 Oh, oh, another thing. 1809 01:10:27,540 --> 01:10:29,374 I'm part of, um, um, something called a hashtag 1810 01:10:29,376 --> 01:10:31,209 in which over half a million people 1811 01:10:31,211 --> 01:10:34,754 participated or liked it or did whatever they do with it. 1812 01:10:34,756 --> 01:10:36,424 I don't know. 1813 01:10:38,385 --> 01:10:39,425 What's wrong? 1814 01:10:39,427 --> 01:10:40,718 Nothing. 1815 01:10:40,720 --> 01:10:42,303 You were spectacular. 1816 01:10:42,305 --> 01:10:44,806 Walter, I'm not afraid of Billy Kastner. 1817 01:10:44,808 --> 01:10:46,349 And you shouldn't be. 1818 01:10:46,351 --> 01:10:48,103 I'm going to open a champagne. 1819 01:10:50,772 --> 01:10:52,857 ♪ ♪ 1820 01:11:04,285 --> 01:11:05,954 (BEEPING) 1821 01:11:06,997 --> 01:11:08,079 Hi. 1822 01:11:08,081 --> 01:11:09,706 - Hey. - So, to celebrate 1823 01:11:09,708 --> 01:11:11,958 the single best day of my professional career, 1824 01:11:11,960 --> 01:11:14,919 I thought I would surprise you with vodka and with cupcakes. 1825 01:11:14,921 --> 01:11:16,629 Cupcakes are for me. The vodka's for you. 1826 01:11:16,631 --> 01:11:18,089 Uh, actually, the vodka's for me, too, 1827 01:11:18,091 --> 01:11:19,215 if I'm being completely honest. 1828 01:11:19,217 --> 01:11:21,426 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 1829 01:11:21,428 --> 01:11:24,012 You should call before you come over. 1830 01:11:24,014 --> 01:11:25,430 Yeah, but where's the fun in that? 1831 01:11:25,432 --> 01:11:27,934 I know, but I-I can't tonight. 1832 01:11:29,811 --> 01:11:31,561 Do you have someone over? 1833 01:11:31,563 --> 01:11:33,231 (CHUCKLES) 1834 01:11:34,482 --> 01:11:36,899 Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. 1835 01:11:36,901 --> 01:11:38,776 - No, no. - Oh, this fucking sucks. 1836 01:11:38,778 --> 01:11:40,778 - Oh, God. Oh... - No, no. Molly. 1837 01:11:40,780 --> 01:11:42,615 Molly. Molly. 1838 01:11:44,534 --> 01:11:46,242 - I think we should get a drink. - Yeah. 1839 01:11:46,244 --> 01:11:49,120 We should drink and maybe talk about "73 Questions." 1840 01:11:49,122 --> 01:11:51,247 - Yes. - Hey. (CHUCKLES) 1841 01:11:51,249 --> 01:11:53,583 Uh, Molly, uh... Molly, you want to 1842 01:11:53,585 --> 01:11:55,209 - go somewhere and talk? - No, thanks. 1843 01:11:55,211 --> 01:11:57,795 - Come on, Molly. - You should ask someone else. 1844 01:11:57,797 --> 01:12:00,592 Maybe it won't take you three weeks to fuck them. 1845 01:12:01,926 --> 01:12:03,176 (CHARLIE EXHALES SHARPLY) 1846 01:12:03,178 --> 01:12:04,721 (CHARLIE CHUCKLES) 1847 01:12:06,514 --> 01:12:08,433 - (CAR HORN HONKS) - TOM: Hey. 1848 01:12:09,642 --> 01:12:11,768 So, that was the other shoe. 1849 01:12:11,770 --> 01:12:13,352 What? 1850 01:12:13,354 --> 01:12:15,480 The other shoe dropping... with Charlie. 1851 01:12:15,482 --> 01:12:17,690 Oh, no, I really don't want to talk to you about this. 1852 01:12:17,692 --> 01:12:19,192 - Can I tell you a story? - No, thanks. 1853 01:12:19,194 --> 01:12:20,568 All right, so the summer after freshman year, 1854 01:12:20,570 --> 01:12:21,986 Charlie and I saved up all of our money 1855 01:12:21,988 --> 01:12:23,488 to go to Pearl Jam in Chicago, right? 1856 01:12:23,490 --> 01:12:25,114 And it was gonna be this epic road trip. 1857 01:12:25,116 --> 01:12:26,699 The drive out was pretty great. 1858 01:12:26,701 --> 01:12:28,910 We just got high every day. We laughed a lot. 1859 01:12:28,912 --> 01:12:31,370 We even got these matching compass tattoos on our thighs. 1860 01:12:31,372 --> 01:12:33,498 Anyway, we get there, I go to get a T-shirt 1861 01:12:33,500 --> 01:12:36,542 at the merch stand, I come back, and he's gone. 1862 01:12:36,544 --> 01:12:37,960 Gone? 1863 01:12:37,962 --> 01:12:39,337 What do you mean, gone? 1864 01:12:39,339 --> 01:12:42,548 He met a girl, left with her. 1865 01:12:42,550 --> 01:12:44,133 I never saw him again. 1866 01:12:44,135 --> 01:12:46,260 I mean, you saw him again later that night? 1867 01:12:46,262 --> 01:12:48,554 - I never saw him again that summer. - That is horrible. 1868 01:12:48,556 --> 01:12:50,223 Why are you still friends with him? 1869 01:12:50,225 --> 01:12:51,974 Well, I know that you wouldn't be, right? 1870 01:12:51,976 --> 01:12:54,185 No, you're too principled for that. 1871 01:12:54,187 --> 01:12:55,978 Teach you that at the factory? 1872 01:12:55,980 --> 01:12:56,979 It's a chemical plant. 1873 01:12:56,981 --> 01:12:58,856 All right. Look. 1874 01:12:58,858 --> 01:13:01,734 When you work with someone that you've known for 18 years, 1875 01:13:01,736 --> 01:13:04,195 you can either be best friends or mortal enemies. 1876 01:13:04,197 --> 01:13:06,697 I mean, you can't be lifelong acquaintances. 1877 01:13:06,699 --> 01:13:08,910 Mortal enemies just felt like a lot more work. 1878 01:13:11,621 --> 01:13:14,580 - You still have that tattoo? - Oh, yeah. Yeah. 1879 01:13:14,582 --> 01:13:16,249 Compass points right to my balls. 1880 01:13:16,251 --> 01:13:18,668 - It's fucking horrible. - (LAUGHS) 1881 01:13:18,670 --> 01:13:20,878 I-I don't want to wear it. That's all. 1882 01:13:20,880 --> 01:13:22,255 No, I get that. I do. 1883 01:13:22,257 --> 01:13:23,840 - Let me explain, though. - It's stupid. 1884 01:13:23,842 --> 01:13:25,633 MANCUSO: No, no, no, but the bit is the idea 1885 01:13:25,635 --> 01:13:26,843 - that you're a pirate that everybody knows. - Katherine. 1886 01:13:26,845 --> 01:13:27,885 - Katherine. Katherine. - This... 1887 01:13:27,887 --> 01:13:29,262 - Uh, sorry. - What? 1888 01:13:29,264 --> 01:13:30,682 (INDISTINCT WHISPERING) 1889 01:13:32,892 --> 01:13:34,142 (QUIETLY): Oh, my God. 1890 01:13:34,144 --> 01:13:36,020 Okay. 1891 01:13:38,022 --> 01:13:42,400 We don't... we don't have to do the hook. 1892 01:13:42,402 --> 01:13:44,193 Hey. I got your McNuggets. 1893 01:13:44,195 --> 01:13:46,571 But I'm not gonna lie... I had a few. 1894 01:13:46,573 --> 01:13:48,199 Look at this. 1895 01:13:55,540 --> 01:13:57,874 No. It can't be true. It's not possible. 1896 01:13:57,876 --> 01:13:59,709 They hacked his e-mail. 1897 01:13:59,711 --> 01:14:01,544 It has to be true. 1898 01:14:01,546 --> 01:14:03,254 He hasn't returned any of my calls. 1899 01:14:03,256 --> 01:14:04,422 MANCUSO: And why Charlie? 1900 01:14:04,424 --> 01:14:05,798 - Why him? - Because he's hot. 1901 01:14:05,800 --> 01:14:07,508 Do you think it should have been you? 1902 01:14:07,510 --> 01:14:09,218 No, I don't. 1903 01:14:09,220 --> 01:14:11,262 And, by the way, looks and fame aren't everything. 1904 01:14:11,264 --> 01:14:13,097 They're definitely everything. 1905 01:14:13,099 --> 01:14:15,141 Guys, can we not be glib about this, please? 1906 01:14:15,143 --> 01:14:16,893 I mean, I thought she really loved Walter. 1907 01:14:16,895 --> 01:14:18,811 - She does love him. - MANCUSO: The line is: 1908 01:14:18,813 --> 01:14:20,771 - "In sickness or in health." - And you know what? 1909 01:14:20,773 --> 01:14:23,316 People always make those vows in health, 1910 01:14:23,318 --> 01:14:25,067 so let's cut her some slack. 1911 01:14:25,069 --> 01:14:26,946 Let's get back to work. 1912 01:14:31,659 --> 01:14:32,994 (SIGHS) 1913 01:14:35,038 --> 01:14:37,371 Katherine Newbury is in the news for allegedly 1914 01:14:37,373 --> 01:14:39,665 carrying on an affair with a much younger man 1915 01:14:39,667 --> 01:14:41,792 who, uh, also happens to be an employee of hers. 1916 01:14:41,794 --> 01:14:43,377 Did you see this? (CHUCKLES) 1917 01:14:43,379 --> 01:14:45,129 I guess she took the advice to get 1918 01:14:45,131 --> 01:14:48,216 more of the younger male demographic to heart. 1919 01:14:48,218 --> 01:14:50,303 (CROWD LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) 1920 01:14:51,763 --> 01:14:53,765 ♪ ♪ 1921 01:14:58,770 --> 01:15:00,770 - (LINE RINGING) - This is Walter. 1922 01:15:00,772 --> 01:15:02,313 Leave a message. 1923 01:15:02,315 --> 01:15:04,190 KATHERINE: Walter, please call me back. 1924 01:15:04,192 --> 01:15:06,236 I need to see you. 1925 01:15:07,820 --> 01:15:09,864 (DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE) 1926 01:15:17,997 --> 01:15:20,750 - (DOOR CLOSES) - MOLLY: Katherine? 1927 01:15:21,960 --> 01:15:24,087 Oh, my God. 1928 01:15:25,797 --> 01:15:28,967 Open a window, for God's sakes. 1929 01:15:33,638 --> 01:15:35,263 It happened three years ago. 1930 01:15:35,265 --> 01:15:38,432 Walter had just been diagnosed, 1931 01:15:38,434 --> 01:15:40,726 and he was so depressed and angry, 1932 01:15:40,728 --> 01:15:42,687 and I got angry with him 1933 01:15:42,689 --> 01:15:44,855 for being angry, 1934 01:15:44,857 --> 01:15:49,151 and Charlie was so warm and funny and persistent and... 1935 01:15:49,153 --> 01:15:50,736 and gorgeous. 1936 01:15:50,738 --> 01:15:52,196 It's hard when there's someone that gorgeous 1937 01:15:52,198 --> 01:15:55,032 just knocking about. 1938 01:15:55,034 --> 01:15:56,993 Just a couple of months, but I've regretted it 1939 01:15:56,995 --> 01:15:59,120 every single second since. 1940 01:15:59,122 --> 01:16:01,789 You know what? It actually... it doesn't matter, 1941 01:16:01,791 --> 01:16:03,416 because I-I've been working on the monologue, 1942 01:16:03,418 --> 01:16:05,126 and I think we have an opportunity 1943 01:16:05,128 --> 01:16:06,919 to really say something here. 1944 01:16:06,921 --> 01:16:08,504 I'm not addressing it. 1945 01:16:08,506 --> 01:16:10,631 - What? - No, we'll go dark for a week, 1946 01:16:10,633 --> 01:16:13,050 and then I'll come back on, and I won't mention it. 1947 01:16:13,052 --> 01:16:16,679 And then, in a month, I'll be gone. 1948 01:16:16,681 --> 01:16:19,557 You'll be gone? Why are you doing that? 1949 01:16:19,559 --> 01:16:21,183 Because of my complete and utter humiliation 1950 01:16:21,185 --> 01:16:22,977 in the eyes of the American public, maybe? 1951 01:16:22,979 --> 01:16:24,854 No. You're being demonized, Katherine, 1952 01:16:24,856 --> 01:16:26,480 - and it's not fair. - It is fair. 1953 01:16:26,482 --> 01:16:28,691 I should be demonized. I'm Katherine Newbury. 1954 01:16:28,693 --> 01:16:30,359 I stand for excellence without compromise. 1955 01:16:30,361 --> 01:16:32,570 I fucked up. I don't deserve the show. 1956 01:16:32,572 --> 01:16:34,905 - I think that you're wrong. - You... 1957 01:16:34,907 --> 01:16:36,991 with over two months experience in television. 1958 01:16:36,993 --> 01:16:39,869 I get it. You are ashamed of what you did, 1959 01:16:39,871 --> 01:16:42,496 and you don't want to face it, but everybody makes mistakes. 1960 01:16:42,498 --> 01:16:43,789 You need to talk about it. 1961 01:16:43,791 --> 01:16:45,708 I need to talk about it? 1962 01:16:45,710 --> 01:16:50,046 You know, what's so fascinating about your generation is... 1963 01:16:50,048 --> 01:16:52,214 your obsession with catharsis. 1964 01:16:52,216 --> 01:16:53,674 It's so narcissistic. 1965 01:16:53,676 --> 01:16:55,176 In fact, we might as well 1966 01:16:55,178 --> 01:16:57,303 just go ahead and call it catharcissism. 1967 01:16:57,305 --> 01:16:59,680 Where, for some reason, just because 1968 01:16:59,682 --> 01:17:01,223 you confess something publicly, 1969 01:17:01,225 --> 01:17:03,184 you automatically get redemption. 1970 01:17:03,186 --> 01:17:04,602 Well, I'm not gonna play that trick. 1971 01:17:04,604 --> 01:17:06,479 I owe it to him, and I owe it to me. 1972 01:17:06,481 --> 01:17:08,105 And that's what's called backbone. 1973 01:17:08,107 --> 01:17:10,191 That's what's... that's what's known as grit. 1974 01:17:10,193 --> 01:17:13,652 You want to talk to me about grit? 1975 01:17:13,654 --> 01:17:15,780 I don't have any friends. 1976 01:17:15,782 --> 01:17:17,698 I don't come from a rich family. 1977 01:17:17,700 --> 01:17:20,868 I didn't have a man whisk me away when I was 20 years old 1978 01:17:20,870 --> 01:17:22,995 and tell me that I was beautiful and a genius. 1979 01:17:22,997 --> 01:17:25,875 And guess what... I'm probably not a genius. 1980 01:17:27,543 --> 01:17:31,796 And this show... this is all I have. 1981 01:17:31,798 --> 01:17:34,175 So fuck you for giving it up. 1982 01:17:35,635 --> 01:17:38,677 You are selfish, and you are scared, 1983 01:17:38,679 --> 01:17:40,805 and you have deluded yourself into thinking 1984 01:17:40,807 --> 01:17:43,474 that is somehow the moral high ground, but it's not. 1985 01:17:43,476 --> 01:17:45,309 Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, 1986 01:17:45,311 --> 01:17:46,727 because you no longer work for me. 1987 01:17:46,729 --> 01:17:48,020 You're fired. 1988 01:17:48,022 --> 01:17:49,480 You know, it's funny. 1989 01:17:49,482 --> 01:17:51,107 You know everything about me, 1990 01:17:51,109 --> 01:17:52,942 and I don't even think about you. 1991 01:17:52,944 --> 01:17:54,652 Bye-bye. 1992 01:17:54,654 --> 01:17:57,115 ♪ ♪ 1993 01:17:59,242 --> 01:18:02,701 Look, please don't make fun of where I live. 1994 01:18:02,703 --> 01:18:04,787 I know it sucks. 1995 01:18:04,789 --> 01:18:06,247 No, it's cool. 1996 01:18:06,249 --> 01:18:07,915 It's like you're in witness protection 1997 01:18:07,917 --> 01:18:10,420 and your secret identity is an elderly Indian woman. 1998 01:18:11,712 --> 01:18:14,380 Good amount of glitter. I like the ponies. 1999 01:18:14,382 --> 01:18:17,174 So, are you super excited about getting your first period? 2000 01:18:17,176 --> 01:18:18,801 (CRYING): Oh, come on, man. 2001 01:18:18,803 --> 01:18:20,136 Wait, are you...? 2002 01:18:20,138 --> 01:18:21,429 Oh, please don't do that. 2003 01:18:21,431 --> 01:18:23,222 Okay? I-I'm not... 2004 01:18:23,224 --> 01:18:25,266 I'm not good with... I'm not good with that. 2005 01:18:25,268 --> 01:18:27,101 It's-it's not what I do. 2006 01:18:27,103 --> 01:18:29,353 I just got fired after working less than three months 2007 01:18:29,355 --> 01:18:30,980 on the job of my dreams. 2008 01:18:30,982 --> 01:18:33,357 Now I have to go back to Pennsylvania 2009 01:18:33,359 --> 01:18:35,276 and work in a factory. 2010 01:18:35,278 --> 01:18:36,569 Thought it was a chemical plant. 2011 01:18:36,571 --> 01:18:38,362 It's basically the same thing. 2012 01:18:38,364 --> 01:18:40,156 Come on. 2013 01:18:40,158 --> 01:18:42,491 (CHUCKLING): You're not going back there. 2014 01:18:42,493 --> 01:18:44,076 Who will hire me? 2015 01:18:44,078 --> 01:18:45,619 I'm such a fucking loser. 2016 01:18:45,621 --> 01:18:48,499 I make such a bad first impression on people. 2017 01:18:50,126 --> 01:18:52,918 Well, there is some truth to that, but, I mean... 2018 01:18:52,920 --> 01:18:54,964 I hate everybody, and you made me like you, so... 2019 01:18:56,883 --> 01:18:59,049 Honestly, you just need to stop being such a pussy. 2020 01:18:59,051 --> 01:19:01,719 Hey, that was incredibly offensive. 2021 01:19:01,721 --> 01:19:04,680 Maybe, but, I mean, it's also pretty true. 2022 01:19:04,682 --> 01:19:06,974 - (STAMMERING) - What? You can't give up 2023 01:19:06,976 --> 01:19:09,768 just 'cause Katherine Newbury was mean to you. 2024 01:19:09,770 --> 01:19:11,729 Come on, suck it up. Okay? 2025 01:19:11,731 --> 01:19:14,190 Stay in New York. Get a... different apartment. 2026 01:19:14,192 --> 01:19:16,442 Not this one. Anything but this one, honestly. 2027 01:19:16,444 --> 01:19:19,071 - O-Okay. - Okay? And find another show to work on. 2028 01:19:21,324 --> 01:19:23,367 You're too good, Molly. 2029 01:19:25,870 --> 01:19:27,828 Do you really think that? 2030 01:19:27,830 --> 01:19:29,830 You know how hard it is for me to compliment people, 2031 01:19:29,832 --> 01:19:31,874 so just don't make me say it again. 2032 01:19:31,876 --> 01:19:33,918 (CHUCKLES) 2033 01:19:33,920 --> 01:19:36,464 (SNIFFLES, LAUGHS) 2034 01:19:39,675 --> 01:19:41,761 ♪ ♪ 2035 01:19:53,481 --> 01:19:55,858 Good luck. Yeah? 2036 01:19:56,859 --> 01:19:58,442 Oh, you-you can leave that. 2037 01:19:58,444 --> 01:20:00,530 I kind of like it. 2038 01:20:12,667 --> 01:20:14,917 I'm on Zillow, and in your price range, 2039 01:20:14,919 --> 01:20:16,794 you can't really afford to live anywhere nice. 2040 01:20:16,796 --> 01:20:18,504 Okay, well, where can I afford to live? 2041 01:20:18,506 --> 01:20:20,881 SoGo? It's the neighborhood south of Gowanus. 2042 01:20:20,883 --> 01:20:23,217 Remember on the news? They found that corpse there. 2043 01:20:23,219 --> 01:20:25,638 God, Parvati, how is that helpful? 2044 01:20:27,431 --> 01:20:29,723 So, you left after ten weeks, huh? 2045 01:20:29,725 --> 01:20:31,392 I was fired. 2046 01:20:31,394 --> 01:20:33,936 Yeah, I figured. I was just trying to be polite. 2047 01:20:33,938 --> 01:20:37,022 I wasn't a good personality match with my boss. 2048 01:20:37,024 --> 01:20:38,732 What is she like, anyway? 2049 01:20:38,734 --> 01:20:40,901 Because she's nice to me at the Emmys, 2050 01:20:40,903 --> 01:20:42,653 but I can also tell on her face 2051 01:20:42,655 --> 01:20:45,072 that niceness is very hard for her. 2052 01:20:45,074 --> 01:20:48,158 She was the least compassionate person I've ever met. 2053 01:20:48,160 --> 01:20:50,619 She could be so casually cruel, 2054 01:20:50,621 --> 01:20:53,831 all in the name of excellence and efficiency. 2055 01:20:53,833 --> 01:20:56,125 Sounds like a laid-back place to work. 2056 01:20:56,127 --> 01:20:58,168 I thought your jokes were really good. 2057 01:20:58,170 --> 01:20:59,587 And yet, every morning, 2058 01:20:59,589 --> 01:21:00,921 I would wake up with this yearning 2059 01:21:00,923 --> 01:21:02,423 to impress her, you know? 2060 01:21:02,425 --> 01:21:04,174 Like, somehow, if I could make her laugh, 2061 01:21:04,176 --> 01:21:07,469 that meant that I was reaching my greatest potential. 2062 01:21:07,471 --> 01:21:09,346 So, anyways, your jokes... 2063 01:21:09,348 --> 01:21:10,973 God, and the sound of her laugh, 2064 01:21:10,975 --> 01:21:12,641 it would just light up the whole room. 2065 01:21:12,643 --> 01:21:14,518 It was like a thousand church bells. 2066 01:21:14,520 --> 01:21:15,769 It was incredible. 2067 01:21:15,771 --> 01:21:18,439 Well, I want to hire you, 2068 01:21:18,441 --> 01:21:20,983 but if you ever want to say something like that again, 2069 01:21:20,985 --> 01:21:23,652 it should definitely be... to a therapist. 2070 01:21:23,654 --> 01:21:25,654 Oh, my God. Okay, I-I would never... 2071 01:21:25,656 --> 01:21:27,114 I would never say that about you. 2072 01:21:27,116 --> 01:21:28,407 - Yeah, no, please don't. - Oh, my God. 2073 01:21:28,409 --> 01:21:29,700 Okay, thank you. 2074 01:21:29,702 --> 01:21:31,869 Thank you so much. Wow. 2075 01:21:31,871 --> 01:21:34,079 Fans on social media are all wondering 2076 01:21:34,081 --> 01:21:35,664 whether Katherine Newbury 2077 01:21:35,666 --> 01:21:37,708 will announce her retirement tomorrow night. 2078 01:21:37,710 --> 01:21:40,044 This comes after weeks of mostly tabloid reporting 2079 01:21:40,046 --> 01:21:42,046 on her alleged extramarital affair 2080 01:21:42,048 --> 01:21:44,798 and her pointed silence on the matter. 2081 01:21:44,800 --> 01:21:46,967 This caps off one of the most interesting seasons 2082 01:21:46,969 --> 01:21:49,055 in late-night television in recent years. 2083 01:21:50,014 --> 01:21:51,847 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 2084 01:21:51,849 --> 01:21:54,475 TOM: Dogs with, like, people names? 2085 01:21:54,477 --> 01:21:56,393 (CHATTER STOPS) 2086 01:21:56,395 --> 01:21:57,436 - BRAD: Hey. - TOM: Hey. 2087 01:21:57,438 --> 01:21:58,437 Hi. 2088 01:21:58,439 --> 01:21:59,855 No, it's fine. 2089 01:21:59,857 --> 01:22:01,940 - You need help with the speech? - No, no. 2090 01:22:01,942 --> 01:22:05,988 I'm sure you've all got something lined up after this. 2091 01:22:07,823 --> 01:22:10,368 I just came to say thank you. 2092 01:22:12,578 --> 01:22:15,537 Brad. 2093 01:22:15,539 --> 01:22:17,416 Tom. 2094 01:22:20,795 --> 01:22:24,004 Mancuso. Reynolds. 2095 01:22:24,006 --> 01:22:25,923 Burditt. 2096 01:22:25,925 --> 01:22:29,512 Mendelsohn. Weber. 2097 01:22:32,431 --> 01:22:34,183 Six. 2098 01:22:38,354 --> 01:22:40,312 How did John Phillips die? 2099 01:22:40,314 --> 01:22:43,526 Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. 2100 01:22:48,072 --> 01:22:51,534 (CRYING): I remember being so hard on him. 2101 01:22:52,993 --> 01:22:55,327 You gave him a job. 2102 01:22:55,329 --> 01:22:57,540 I wasn't nice to him. 2103 01:22:59,291 --> 01:23:01,792 We're not here because you're nice. 2104 01:23:01,794 --> 01:23:04,630 - We're here because you're good. - (SNIFFLES) 2105 01:23:05,923 --> 01:23:08,424 She cried. And thanked us. 2106 01:23:08,426 --> 01:23:10,384 - What? - It was crazy. 2107 01:23:10,386 --> 01:23:12,511 When she said my name, I almost got an erection. 2108 01:23:12,513 --> 01:23:13,762 - (LAUGHS) - Look, I really think 2109 01:23:13,764 --> 01:23:15,305 you should watch the show later. 2110 01:23:15,307 --> 01:23:17,099 I mean, you worked so hard on this. 2111 01:23:17,101 --> 01:23:18,642 Tom, go to work. I'll talk to you later. 2112 01:23:18,644 --> 01:23:19,935 All right, all right. 2113 01:23:19,937 --> 01:23:21,522 Bye. 2114 01:23:24,984 --> 01:23:27,027 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 2115 01:23:28,988 --> 01:23:32,489 - Walter. - WALTER: Yeah. 2116 01:23:32,491 --> 01:23:34,950 I'd like to see you. 2117 01:23:34,952 --> 01:23:37,035 Okay. 2118 01:23:37,037 --> 01:23:38,704 KATHERINE: Oh, but there's press at the house. 2119 01:23:38,706 --> 01:23:40,833 Um, I'll think of somewhere. 2120 01:23:42,293 --> 01:23:44,336 (DOOR CLOSES) 2121 01:23:50,926 --> 01:23:53,093 WALTER: When I left my wife and family 2122 01:23:53,095 --> 01:23:56,096 for a beautiful young English girl, 2123 01:23:56,098 --> 01:23:59,433 they told me there would be karma. 2124 01:23:59,435 --> 01:24:01,518 That I would pay for it. 2125 01:24:01,520 --> 01:24:03,520 And then... 2126 01:24:03,522 --> 01:24:05,939 years passed, and nothing happened. 2127 01:24:05,941 --> 01:24:08,358 And I thought, "Well... 2128 01:24:08,360 --> 01:24:11,030 I'm the luckiest bastard alive." 2129 01:24:12,406 --> 01:24:15,367 I guess I was wrong. (SIGHS) 2130 01:24:17,369 --> 01:24:21,205 It's hard enough for me to live with a disease 2131 01:24:21,207 --> 01:24:23,624 that's probably going to kill me 2132 01:24:23,626 --> 01:24:27,338 without knowing that the woman I love... 2133 01:24:28,672 --> 01:24:30,339 ...decided one night, 2134 01:24:30,341 --> 01:24:33,091 instead of staying at home with her invalid husband, 2135 01:24:33,093 --> 01:24:35,054 she would rather fuck a comedian. 2136 01:24:37,807 --> 01:24:40,599 I want to say... 2137 01:24:40,601 --> 01:24:42,645 it didn't mean anything... 2138 01:24:44,605 --> 01:24:47,731 ...but it meant everything because it hurt you. 2139 01:24:47,733 --> 01:24:49,485 Yes, it did. 2140 01:24:53,489 --> 01:24:55,697 I know. 2141 01:24:55,699 --> 01:24:58,242 The thing is... (STIFLED SOB) 2142 01:24:58,244 --> 01:25:01,870 you can't just take away one terrible thing you did 2143 01:25:01,872 --> 01:25:04,414 any more than you can take away 2144 01:25:04,416 --> 01:25:07,709 the million beautiful things that we had together. 2145 01:25:07,711 --> 01:25:09,922 That's a million to one. 2146 01:25:11,340 --> 01:25:14,258 If you can live with that ratio 2147 01:25:14,260 --> 01:25:16,470 for another few years... 2148 01:25:18,430 --> 01:25:20,224 ...then so can I. 2149 01:25:24,228 --> 01:25:26,272 ♪ ♪ 2150 01:25:27,606 --> 01:25:30,150 (KATHERINE CRYING) 2151 01:25:34,363 --> 01:25:37,197 (SIGHS) 2152 01:25:37,199 --> 01:25:39,032 But I'm not here as your husband. 2153 01:25:39,034 --> 01:25:41,743 I'm here as a man who has advised you 2154 01:25:41,745 --> 01:25:43,914 your entire adult life. 2155 01:25:44,999 --> 01:25:46,665 Are you sure that you're making 2156 01:25:46,667 --> 01:25:48,792 the right decision about the show? 2157 01:25:48,794 --> 01:25:50,794 (SNIFFLES) 2158 01:25:50,796 --> 01:25:54,673 If it's over in one year or ten years, 2159 01:25:54,675 --> 01:25:56,675 what's the difference? 2160 01:25:56,677 --> 01:25:58,677 It'll be over. 2161 01:25:58,679 --> 01:26:01,179 And what did I leave behind? 2162 01:26:01,181 --> 01:26:04,391 No... friends or children, no... 2163 01:26:04,393 --> 01:26:05,767 You didn't want them. 2164 01:26:05,769 --> 01:26:07,561 You wanted excellence, 2165 01:26:07,563 --> 01:26:10,564 which almost no one gets in their lifetime. 2166 01:26:10,566 --> 01:26:13,692 Just be sure you're ready before you give it up. 2167 01:26:13,694 --> 01:26:16,488 I don't know what to say to them. 2168 01:26:17,865 --> 01:26:19,364 (SOBS) 2169 01:26:19,366 --> 01:26:22,075 When the time comes, Katie, 2170 01:26:22,077 --> 01:26:24,121 you'll know. 2171 01:26:26,290 --> 01:26:29,209 (SNIFFLING, PANTING) 2172 01:26:49,396 --> 01:26:52,149 (TAKING DEEP BREATHS) 2173 01:26:55,736 --> 01:26:58,362 (BAND PLAYING SHOW THEME) 2174 01:26:58,364 --> 01:27:01,367 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 2175 01:27:10,793 --> 01:27:12,376 (MUSIC ENDS) 2176 01:27:12,378 --> 01:27:14,628 Thank you. 2177 01:27:14,630 --> 01:27:17,047 Thank you very much. 2178 01:27:17,049 --> 01:27:19,009 (SIGHS) Well... 2179 01:27:20,386 --> 01:27:22,928 What a boring few weeks it's been. 2180 01:27:22,930 --> 01:27:25,722 - (LAUGHTER) - Although... 2181 01:27:25,724 --> 01:27:27,516 it's kind of refreshing 2182 01:27:27,518 --> 01:27:29,393 for a woman to be the perpetrator 2183 01:27:29,395 --> 01:27:32,270 in a Hollywood sex scandal for once, isn't it? 2184 01:27:32,272 --> 01:27:34,064 (SCATTERED LAUGHTER) 2185 01:27:34,066 --> 01:27:37,150 I am, of course, referring to the multiple reports 2186 01:27:37,152 --> 01:27:40,028 that came out this week, 2187 01:27:40,030 --> 01:27:44,116 saying that I had been unfaithful to my husband 2188 01:27:44,118 --> 01:27:47,077 with one of my writers. 2189 01:27:47,079 --> 01:27:49,454 Spoiler alert: 2190 01:27:49,456 --> 01:27:51,289 It's true. 2191 01:27:51,291 --> 01:27:53,669 (MURMURING) 2192 01:28:01,051 --> 01:28:04,970 I've learned an interesting term: 2193 01:28:04,972 --> 01:28:07,931 "slut-shaming." 2194 01:28:07,933 --> 01:28:11,768 My supporters have said that if I were a man, 2195 01:28:11,770 --> 01:28:13,770 I wouldn't be subject to this kind of scrutiny. 2196 01:28:13,772 --> 01:28:15,564 Well, here's what I think. 2197 01:28:15,566 --> 01:28:17,774 If it were a man doing this, it would be reprehensible, 2198 01:28:17,776 --> 01:28:19,860 but guess what... it's a woman doing it, 2199 01:28:19,862 --> 01:28:22,112 and it's still reprehensible. 2200 01:28:22,114 --> 01:28:26,116 And none of this would even matter 2201 01:28:26,118 --> 01:28:28,452 if I were not so... 2202 01:28:28,454 --> 01:28:33,623 so hard on everyone, with such high standards 2203 01:28:33,625 --> 01:28:38,005 that I've defined my career by it. 2204 01:28:39,673 --> 01:28:43,218 Um, the fact of the matter is that... (CLEARS THROAT) 2205 01:28:45,429 --> 01:28:47,054 ...my husband is my family. 2206 01:28:47,056 --> 01:28:49,056 I... 2207 01:28:49,058 --> 01:28:52,811 have no one else in my life, so... 2208 01:28:55,022 --> 01:28:56,730 ...so when this happened, 2209 01:28:56,732 --> 01:28:58,732 I felt worse than I have ever felt. 2210 01:28:58,734 --> 01:29:00,901 And I am clinically depressed, so that's saying something. 2211 01:29:00,903 --> 01:29:02,027 (LIGHT LAUGHTER) 2212 01:29:02,029 --> 01:29:03,695 And I thought, 2213 01:29:03,697 --> 01:29:06,573 "I don't deserve these things anymore. 2214 01:29:06,575 --> 01:29:08,742 Him or the show." 2215 01:29:08,744 --> 01:29:13,705 But it doesn't matter if I deserve you or not. 2216 01:29:13,707 --> 01:29:15,332 I need you. 2217 01:29:15,334 --> 01:29:17,709 And I've let you down. 2218 01:29:17,711 --> 01:29:20,837 I've taken you for granted for years, 2219 01:29:20,839 --> 01:29:22,214 underestimating you 2220 01:29:22,216 --> 01:29:24,426 and thinking that you wouldn't notice. 2221 01:29:25,803 --> 01:29:27,803 But you did. 2222 01:29:27,805 --> 01:29:32,182 And the other thing I've learned is that this show 2223 01:29:32,184 --> 01:29:34,476 is the source of my energy. 2224 01:29:34,478 --> 01:29:37,521 It's, um, the reason I get up in the morning. 2225 01:29:37,523 --> 01:29:40,482 It's my life. It's my blood. 2226 01:29:40,484 --> 01:29:44,986 Yes, and entertaining you... 2227 01:29:44,988 --> 01:29:48,242 has been the joy of my life. 2228 01:29:50,452 --> 01:29:52,786 Yeah. 2229 01:29:52,788 --> 01:29:56,416 Dear God, I hope I've earned the privilege of your time. 2230 01:30:01,672 --> 01:30:04,258 (CHEERING) 2231 01:30:16,186 --> 01:30:18,647 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE OVER TV) 2232 01:30:20,983 --> 01:30:23,984 (KNOCKING, DOOR OPENS) 2233 01:30:23,986 --> 01:30:26,155 I hope I'm not interrupting. 2234 01:30:27,364 --> 01:30:29,364 You know, I got into this business 2235 01:30:29,366 --> 01:30:31,408 because I love television, 2236 01:30:31,410 --> 01:30:34,161 and I want to make relevant television. 2237 01:30:34,163 --> 01:30:36,079 And I know, when I say "relevant," 2238 01:30:36,081 --> 01:30:39,376 you think I mean "pandering" or "lowest common denominator." 2239 01:30:40,669 --> 01:30:42,502 I've dreamed of this day. 2240 01:30:42,504 --> 01:30:44,588 - Caroline, please, I beg you... - You've been so abrupt. 2241 01:30:44,590 --> 01:30:47,340 But as I watched you out there, I realized 2242 01:30:47,342 --> 01:30:50,635 I want to hear your take... on the world, on everything... 2243 01:30:50,637 --> 01:30:52,387 and so does everyone else. 2244 01:30:52,389 --> 01:30:54,764 So, the show is yours. 2245 01:30:54,766 --> 01:30:56,600 But I'm watching you, Katherine. 2246 01:30:56,602 --> 01:30:58,353 Just give a damn. 2247 01:30:59,730 --> 01:31:03,192 It's pretty fucking surprising, isn't it? 2248 01:31:05,235 --> 01:31:07,277 (ELECTRONIC CHIMING) 2249 01:31:07,279 --> 01:31:08,945 Hey, is this my Thai food? 2250 01:31:08,947 --> 01:31:10,572 I hope you brought extra peanut sauce. 2251 01:31:10,574 --> 01:31:11,865 I hate when you forget. 2252 01:31:11,867 --> 01:31:13,408 MAN: This isn't your Thai food. 2253 01:31:13,410 --> 01:31:15,035 This is Ms. Newbury's driver. 2254 01:31:15,037 --> 01:31:18,580 Ms. Newbury would like you to come down to the car. 2255 01:31:18,582 --> 01:31:21,376 You can tell her that I don't want to see her. Thank you. 2256 01:31:22,669 --> 01:31:25,754 She said what? Oh, for fuck's sake! 2257 01:31:25,756 --> 01:31:27,883 (PASSING TRAIN RATTLING) 2258 01:31:31,803 --> 01:31:34,264 Come on. 2259 01:31:41,396 --> 01:31:43,980 ("LIGHT ON" BY MAGGIE ROGERS PLAYING) 2260 01:31:43,982 --> 01:31:46,316 ♪ Would you believe me now ♪ 2261 01:31:46,318 --> 01:31:48,985 ♪ If I told you I got caught up in a wave? ♪ 2262 01:31:48,987 --> 01:31:50,862 (SIGHS): Son of a bitch. 2263 01:31:50,864 --> 01:31:53,156 ♪ Almost gave it away ♪ 2264 01:31:53,158 --> 01:31:56,284 - ♪ Would you hear me out ♪ - (TOY SQUEAKS) 2265 01:31:56,286 --> 01:31:59,579 ♪ If I told you I was terrified for days? ♪ 2266 01:31:59,581 --> 01:32:01,581 ♪ Thought I was gonna break ♪ 2267 01:32:01,583 --> 01:32:03,083 Good afternoon, sir. 2268 01:32:03,085 --> 01:32:05,252 ♪ Oh, I couldn't stop it ♪ 2269 01:32:05,254 --> 01:32:07,629 - ♪ Tried to slow it all down ♪ - Nice. 2270 01:32:07,631 --> 01:32:09,631 ♪ With everyone around me ♪ 2271 01:32:09,633 --> 01:32:11,549 ♪ Saying, "You must be so happy now" ♪ 2272 01:32:11,551 --> 01:32:14,135 Oh, goddamn it. 2273 01:32:14,137 --> 01:32:16,513 - (PANTING) - ♪ Keep reaching out 2274 01:32:16,515 --> 01:32:19,808 ♪ Then I'll keep coming back, and if you're gone for good ♪ 2275 01:32:19,810 --> 01:32:21,726 (PANTING): Oh, fucking hell. 2276 01:32:21,728 --> 01:32:24,271 - ♪ Then I'm okay with that... ♪ - (GROANING): Oh, God. 2277 01:32:24,273 --> 01:32:26,940 - (KNOCKING) - Molly, open up. It's me. 2278 01:32:26,942 --> 01:32:28,817 MOLLY: No. 2279 01:32:28,819 --> 01:32:30,527 I have just driven 2280 01:32:30,529 --> 01:32:32,779 to this horrid little corner of Brooklyn 2281 01:32:32,781 --> 01:32:35,365 and climbed up six flights of stairs to talk to you. 2282 01:32:35,367 --> 01:32:37,701 Now open the bloody door. 2283 01:32:37,703 --> 01:32:39,788 - (PANTING) - (LOCKS CLICKING) 2284 01:32:42,165 --> 01:32:45,417 What do you want? I-I'm very busy right now. 2285 01:32:45,419 --> 01:32:48,586 Why on earth do you live in Coney Island? 2286 01:32:48,588 --> 01:32:49,921 Huh. 2287 01:32:49,923 --> 01:32:51,881 Maybe it's the Ukrainian food scene, 2288 01:32:51,883 --> 01:32:54,342 or perhaps it's the endless subway commute. 2289 01:32:54,344 --> 01:32:56,553 Not all of us can live in a townhouse 2290 01:32:56,555 --> 01:32:59,139 - on Gramercy Park, Katherine. - Point taken. 2291 01:32:59,141 --> 01:33:02,434 I heard you got an offer from Seth Meyers. 2292 01:33:02,436 --> 01:33:05,895 - I don't think you should take it. - (FAUCET RUNNING) 2293 01:33:05,897 --> 01:33:07,939 Really? Because I was considering it. 2294 01:33:07,941 --> 01:33:10,275 Mostly because I don't have a job. 2295 01:33:10,277 --> 01:33:13,153 Also, he didn't call me a racial quota 2296 01:33:13,155 --> 01:33:15,155 whose existence was completely inconsequential to him. 2297 01:33:15,157 --> 01:33:16,406 Here. 2298 01:33:16,408 --> 01:33:19,409 - You remember that. Shit. - Yeah. 2299 01:33:19,411 --> 01:33:21,536 Look, I'm sorry. 2300 01:33:21,538 --> 01:33:24,039 I'm sorry. 2301 01:33:24,041 --> 01:33:26,791 The thing is, when you hate yourself, 2302 01:33:26,793 --> 01:33:29,044 the only thing that makes you feel better 2303 01:33:29,046 --> 01:33:32,422 is to get other people to feel the same way as you do. 2304 01:33:32,424 --> 01:33:33,884 Is this filtered? 2305 01:33:37,137 --> 01:33:39,848 I didn't mean what I said. 2306 01:33:41,600 --> 01:33:43,600 Thank you... 2307 01:33:43,602 --> 01:33:45,602 for saying that... 2308 01:33:45,604 --> 01:33:47,604 and for coming here. 2309 01:33:47,606 --> 01:33:49,898 - Do you like the color of my wall? - No. 2310 01:33:49,900 --> 01:33:52,442 You know what, I'm not gonna go back and work for you, 2311 01:33:52,444 --> 01:33:54,571 because that was a very toxic work environment. 2312 01:33:58,742 --> 01:34:00,700 (SIGHS) 2313 01:34:00,702 --> 01:34:02,662 I need you, Molly. 2314 01:34:04,122 --> 01:34:06,831 I need your pushiness and lack of boundaries. 2315 01:34:06,833 --> 01:34:08,792 I need the annoying way you light up 2316 01:34:08,794 --> 01:34:10,293 every time I walk into the room. 2317 01:34:10,295 --> 01:34:12,712 It makes me feel like I'm not a fraud. 2318 01:34:12,714 --> 01:34:14,716 But mostly, I need your talent. 2319 01:34:16,301 --> 01:34:18,176 You love me. 2320 01:34:18,178 --> 01:34:20,053 No, I didn't say that. I... No. 2321 01:34:20,055 --> 01:34:21,679 I mean, not in those words, but you... 2322 01:34:21,681 --> 01:34:23,264 No, I didn't say it in any of those words. 2323 01:34:23,266 --> 01:34:25,308 But you have made an impression on me. 2324 01:34:25,310 --> 01:34:26,518 A very big impression. 2325 01:34:26,520 --> 01:34:27,685 Please, Molly, come back. 2326 01:34:27,687 --> 01:34:29,312 It won't be the show you left, 2327 01:34:29,314 --> 01:34:32,234 but I need you to help me change it. 2328 01:34:35,195 --> 01:34:37,570 - If I do... - Hmm? 2329 01:34:37,572 --> 01:34:39,072 No more tantrums. 2330 01:34:39,074 --> 01:34:40,532 - Mm. - No more hiring people 2331 01:34:40,534 --> 01:34:42,283 - who all look the same. - Okay. 2332 01:34:42,285 --> 01:34:43,743 No humiliating people. 2333 01:34:43,745 --> 01:34:45,205 And no withering looks. 2334 01:34:46,206 --> 01:34:48,206 - Like that one. - That's my face. 2335 01:34:48,208 --> 01:34:49,251 Can you try smiling? 2336 01:34:50,919 --> 01:34:52,168 - Okay, forget it, forget it. - (SIGHS) 2337 01:34:52,170 --> 01:34:53,711 Okay. Yes. 2338 01:34:53,713 --> 01:34:54,879 Oh, yes? 2339 01:34:54,881 --> 01:34:57,215 Well, good. 2340 01:34:57,217 --> 01:34:59,676 Well, I guess I better go if I want to get 2341 01:34:59,678 --> 01:35:01,928 to the bottom of the stairs this century. 2342 01:35:01,930 --> 01:35:03,473 Thank you. All right. 2343 01:35:04,808 --> 01:35:07,058 (INHALES DEEPLY) 2344 01:35:07,060 --> 01:35:09,352 God, I hate Brooklyn. 2345 01:35:09,354 --> 01:35:12,564 (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) 2346 01:35:12,566 --> 01:35:13,815 ♪ Everybody got a nine ♪ 2347 01:35:13,817 --> 01:35:15,817 ♪ Everybody is a bad boy now ♪ 2348 01:35:15,819 --> 01:35:18,153 ♪ Everybody wanna shine ♪ 2349 01:35:18,155 --> 01:35:19,779 ♪ Everybody, drink your champagne now ♪ 2350 01:35:19,781 --> 01:35:21,406 ♪ Everybody is the shit ♪ 2351 01:35:21,408 --> 01:35:23,199 ♪ Everybody is the big thing now ♪ 2352 01:35:23,201 --> 01:35:24,951 ♪ Everybody is the boss ♪ 2353 01:35:24,953 --> 01:35:26,911 ♪ Everybody rocking gold chains now ♪ 2354 01:35:26,913 --> 01:35:29,998 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna work, ain't nobody wanna open up ♪ 2355 01:35:30,000 --> 01:35:32,292 - Thank you. - ♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪ 2356 01:35:32,294 --> 01:35:34,043 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna wrap shit up ♪ 2357 01:35:34,045 --> 01:35:36,129 - ♪ Ain't nobody wanna fail ♪ - Hey. - Hi. 2358 01:35:36,131 --> 01:35:38,089 ♪ Ain't nobody do it real these days ♪ 2359 01:35:38,091 --> 01:35:39,674 ♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪ 2360 01:35:39,676 --> 01:35:41,801 ♪ Ain't nobody ever go my way ♪ 2361 01:35:41,803 --> 01:35:45,388 - ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ - (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 2362 01:35:45,390 --> 01:35:48,766 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2363 01:35:48,768 --> 01:35:52,228 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2364 01:35:52,230 --> 01:35:55,940 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2365 01:35:55,942 --> 01:35:57,609 Okay. 2366 01:35:57,611 --> 01:36:00,153 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2367 01:36:00,155 --> 01:36:03,573 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2368 01:36:03,575 --> 01:36:07,368 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2369 01:36:07,370 --> 01:36:11,080 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2370 01:36:11,082 --> 01:36:13,418 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna work ♪ 2371 01:36:14,628 --> 01:36:17,005 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna give ♪ 2372 01:36:18,423 --> 01:36:20,800 ♪ Ain't nobody wanna fail ♪ 2373 01:36:22,177 --> 01:36:24,344 ♪ Ain't nobody being true ♪ 2374 01:36:24,346 --> 01:36:26,721 (INDISTINCT CHATTER, CHUCKLING) 2375 01:36:26,723 --> 01:36:29,474 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh ♪ 2376 01:36:29,476 --> 01:36:33,311 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ♪ 2377 01:36:33,313 --> 01:36:38,399 ♪ Whoa, oh-oh-oh. ♪ 2378 01:36:38,401 --> 01:36:39,817 (BAND PLAYING SHOW THEME) 2379 01:36:39,819 --> 01:36:41,528 ANNOUNCER: Katherine Newbury. 2380 01:36:41,530 --> 01:36:43,823 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 2381 01:36:54,879 --> 01:36:56,459 Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org 2382 01:36:56,461 --> 01:37:00,922 ♪ Don't let the negative ever get in your way ♪ 2383 01:37:00,924 --> 01:37:03,675 ♪ Don't let it mess up your life ♪ 2384 01:37:03,677 --> 01:37:06,928 ♪ Don't let it fuck up your day ♪ 2385 01:37:06,930 --> 01:37:11,224 ♪ Don't let the shit they do get in under your skin ♪ 2386 01:37:11,226 --> 01:37:13,810 ♪ Gotta push it aside ♪ 2387 01:37:13,812 --> 01:37:17,230 ♪ And keep pushing ahead ♪ 2388 01:37:17,232 --> 01:37:20,775 ♪ Ooh, when this life knocks you on your ass ♪ 2389 01:37:20,777 --> 01:37:24,654 ♪ Keep up, just keep coming back ♪ 2390 01:37:24,656 --> 01:37:26,656 ♪ Don't let it get you down ♪ 2391 01:37:26,658 --> 01:37:28,283 ♪ Gotta get going ♪ 2392 01:37:28,285 --> 01:37:30,827 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2393 01:37:30,829 --> 01:37:34,872 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2394 01:37:34,874 --> 01:37:37,375 ♪ Don't let nothing ever slow you down ♪ 2395 01:37:37,377 --> 01:37:38,876 ♪ Keep on ♪ 2396 01:37:38,878 --> 01:37:41,170 ♪ Hit the gas, get your speed on ♪ 2397 01:37:41,172 --> 01:37:45,049 ♪ Never look back, no reason ♪ 2398 01:37:45,051 --> 01:37:47,635 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2399 01:37:47,637 --> 01:37:51,222 ♪ Stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2400 01:37:51,224 --> 01:37:53,808 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2401 01:37:53,810 --> 01:37:55,393 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪ 2402 01:37:55,395 --> 01:37:57,395 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2403 01:37:57,397 --> 01:38:01,357 ♪ Don't let the darkness get in the way of your light ♪ 2404 01:38:01,359 --> 01:38:04,319 ♪ Don't let it mess with your head ♪ 2405 01:38:04,321 --> 01:38:07,405 ♪ Don't let it shut off your shine ♪ 2406 01:38:07,407 --> 01:38:09,073 ♪ You're on the fast track ♪ 2407 01:38:09,075 --> 01:38:11,701 ♪ hey're just stuck in reverse ♪ 2408 01:38:11,703 --> 01:38:14,495 ♪ Leave 'em under your wheels ♪ 2409 01:38:14,497 --> 01:38:17,707 ♪ Kick 'em all to the curb ♪ 2410 01:38:17,709 --> 01:38:21,294 ♪ Ooh, when this life knocks you on your ass ♪ 2411 01:38:21,296 --> 01:38:25,048 ♪ Get up, just keep coming back ♪ 2412 01:38:25,050 --> 01:38:27,342 ♪ Don't let it keep you down ♪ 2413 01:38:27,344 --> 01:38:29,010 ♪ Gotta keep going ♪ 2414 01:38:29,012 --> 01:38:31,554 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2415 01:38:31,556 --> 01:38:35,558 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2416 01:38:35,560 --> 01:38:37,894 ♪ Don't let nothing ever slow you down ♪ 2417 01:38:37,896 --> 01:38:39,395 ♪ Keep on ♪ 2418 01:38:39,397 --> 01:38:42,023 ♪ Hit the gas, get your speed on ♪ 2419 01:38:42,025 --> 01:38:45,610 ♪ Never look back, no reason ♪ 2420 01:38:45,612 --> 01:38:48,154 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2421 01:38:48,156 --> 01:38:51,824 ♪ Stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2422 01:38:51,826 --> 01:38:54,327 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2423 01:38:54,329 --> 01:38:55,870 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪ 2424 01:38:55,872 --> 01:38:57,747 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2425 01:38:57,749 --> 01:39:00,166 ♪ So any time the drama comes ♪ 2426 01:39:00,168 --> 01:39:02,710 ♪ Don't let it get anywhere near you ♪ 2427 01:39:02,712 --> 01:39:05,296 ♪ Just go and leave it in the dust ♪ 2428 01:39:05,298 --> 01:39:07,799 ♪ Just disappearing in the rearview ♪ 2429 01:39:07,801 --> 01:39:10,677 ♪ You're on a ride that's just beginning ♪ 2430 01:39:10,679 --> 01:39:13,346 ♪ No, you got no limits ♪ 2431 01:39:13,348 --> 01:39:15,765 ♪ Oh, so just go with it ♪ 2432 01:39:15,767 --> 01:39:17,850 ♪ Don't let it get you down ♪ 2433 01:39:17,852 --> 01:39:20,019 ♪ Gotta keep going ♪ 2434 01:39:20,021 --> 01:39:22,188 ♪ Going, going ♪ 2435 01:39:22,190 --> 01:39:24,524 ♪ Gotta keep going ♪ 2436 01:39:24,526 --> 01:39:27,694 ♪ Going, going, going ♪ 2437 01:39:27,696 --> 01:39:29,654 ♪ Gotta keep going ♪ 2438 01:39:29,656 --> 01:39:32,031 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2439 01:39:32,033 --> 01:39:34,283 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2440 01:39:34,285 --> 01:39:36,202 ♪ Keep moving in forward ♪ 2441 01:39:36,204 --> 01:39:38,705 ♪ Don't let nothing ever slow you down ♪ 2442 01:39:38,707 --> 01:39:40,206 ♪ Keep on ♪ 2443 01:39:40,208 --> 01:39:42,542 ♪ Hit the gas, get your speed on ♪ 2444 01:39:42,544 --> 01:39:46,170 ♪ Never look back, no reason ♪ 2445 01:39:46,172 --> 01:39:48,256 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2446 01:39:48,258 --> 01:39:49,882 ♪ Gotta keep going ♪ 2447 01:39:49,884 --> 01:39:52,135 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2448 01:39:52,137 --> 01:39:54,887 ♪ Keep moving in forward motion ♪ 2449 01:39:54,889 --> 01:39:56,514 ♪ Yeah ♪ 2450 01:39:56,516 --> 01:39:58,891 ♪ Don't let nothing ever slow you down ♪ 2451 01:39:58,893 --> 01:40:00,393 ♪ Keep on ♪ 2452 01:40:00,395 --> 01:40:02,770 ♪ Hit the gas, get your speed on ♪ 2453 01:40:02,772 --> 01:40:06,482 ♪ Never look back, no reason ♪ 2454 01:40:06,484 --> 01:40:09,152 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2455 01:40:09,154 --> 01:40:12,739 ♪ Stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2456 01:40:12,741 --> 01:40:15,241 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2457 01:40:15,243 --> 01:40:16,784 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪ 2458 01:40:16,786 --> 01:40:19,120 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now ♪ 2459 01:40:19,122 --> 01:40:22,915 ♪ Stop you now, stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2460 01:40:22,917 --> 01:40:25,293 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop-stop you now ♪ 2461 01:40:25,295 --> 01:40:26,836 ♪ Stop you, stop-stop ♪ 2462 01:40:26,838 --> 01:40:30,131 ♪ No, no, nothing's gonna stop you now. ♪ 2463 01:40:30,133 --> 01:40:32,177 ♪ ♪ 2464 01:41:02,165 --> 01:41:04,209 ♪ ♪ 2465 01:41:34,197 --> 01:41:36,241 ♪ ♪ 2466 01:41:51,214 --> 01:41:53,258 (MUSIC ENDS)